"Nikki Glaser" 50:10

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You know what I said to Scotty yesterday? I said, you know these... Can we guess? Can we guess what you said to Scotty yesterday? Will, you go first. I'll go second. Did you touch my sprinkles? Jay, do you have a guess? I'm still writing it, but it's somewhere in the Star Wars, Star Trek fight canon, you know? No, I said to him, concept cars, they... Should we put a love seat in the toilet?

No, I said concept cars are such a waste of time because they're such a tease. Like, they're these really cool cars and they never make them. It's like, why don't they just make them? Sometimes they do and they take pieces of them. I feel like that Tesla super truck or whatever the hell it is, it looks like an absolute joke rolling around the roads. Oh, you mean the douche identifier? Douche is a guy. We had a feeling you were a dick and now it's confirmed. Yeah.

Yeah, it looks like a silver 80s tank or something. It's just so distracting. I love it because you do get to see, you're like, where are all the douchebags? Oh, they're there. There's one there. Then you can just stay away. It does look like a concept car and then they went to production on it. It's like, oh. It's the dumbest. But some of the concept cars that like,

all these companies make, they're so cool. And then you're like, well, okay, well, where do you get one of those? And they never make them. Sure. It's like couture. Oh, sorry, Jason, go ahead. Well, so what they do in the fashion world is they'll go ahead and they'll make stuff just for the fashion show. This Henley, for instance, can't be found. Jason, I'm going to, and Will, please come by, but you're going to be in New York. Amanda and Maple are coming over for dinner next week. What? Wow. Yeah.

God damn it. What night? Wednesday. Come over. I'll be gone by then. Wonderful. Jay, would you say you're at the cutting edge of fashion, by the way? Because I noticed you wearing some rag and bone jeans, which reminded me of 2011. And I thought, here's my guy. Listen, things are great back here in 2011. Anyway, listen, we could do this forever, all day. And I'm sure our guest is just riveted by what we're saying. I can tell you something that I am. I'm riveted when she's performing.

I am riveted, and by riveted, I mean generally laughing the entire time. I think it's so rare when-- or it's so special when a performer comes along that just kind of constantly-- every time you see them, they exceed expectations and then they just surprise you with their comedy. She is somebody who makes you laugh from moment one-- So it's not share.

And then the next time, it's not Cher. And she makes you laugh in ways that you're like... And she has that unique thing also of every time you hear a joke, not only are you laughing, you're thinking, I can't believe I didn't think of that. It's so brilliant. And she keeps topping herself. She's had a million specials. She had a new special... Sorry? What color is her hair? Well...

-You'll see. -I was gonna guess. She has a new special that just came out on HBO Max or whatever they call it on May 11th, but she really, really rocketed herself this year in the ultimate roast of Tom Brady. You guys, it's the none other than the most hilarious Nikki Glaser. -Oh, my God! - Nikki Glaser. -There she is. -Good morning. -Hi, guys. -Wait, are you-- -What an intro. Are you in the back of a coffee shop?

Where are you? I'm at the Comedy Store podcast studio. Truly? I'm visiting LA and I wasn't going to fuck around with you guys. I wasn't going to trust my Wi-Fi at my hotel. I needed like a real studio. This is the real deal. You're not an Angeleno? No. I live in St. Louis. Oh.

So you moved back to St. Louis full time? I did. I did. I went back during COVID just to hang out with my parents and my family. And then it lifted and I was just like, no one even knows I'm here. I can just go to L.A. and people in L.A. think I'm in New York and people in L.A. or New York think I'm in L.A. Isn't the crime rate huge there? Yeah, in certain parts. All right, wonderful.

I just read that about St. Louis. We have the highest crime, but it's really... That can't be true. That's got to be like a per capita qualifier. Well, Nikki, what's the number one crime that's going on there?

Carjackings and murder. Okay. Carjackings and murder. Well, I guess that's alarming. It's not errors at third base. You know, you got that Nolan Ariando over there, you know? There we go. Good for you. Yeah, but you just got to avoid parts of town. But it's a segregated city. It's not the greatest for that. So you just.

Yeah. Really? Yeah, we still have issues in St. Louis. Wow. Can we revisit my lesson on Kansas? Kansas City. Kansas City. And Missouri. Yeah. Because I was so shamed by it, I went into sort of a blackout, and I don't really remember what I learned. Just real quick. Don't do this to yourself. No, it should be fast.

Kansas City is in Kansas or in Missouri. It's both. So it straddles the border between the two states. Is that correct? Oh, no. I thought there were two separate ones. No. You see? No. Wait, I think there's two separate. Wait, I don't even know. But they're kind of next to each other. They are. They are. Everybody sounds gray on this just like me, so I'm not so dumb. It's confusing. I don't know if it's one that's separate, but no, I think they're separate. They have

to be separate because they are in different... You can't have a city cut in two. Can you not? Maybe you can. What about Minneapolis?

Wait, what? It's not up there. Okay, so it says, I just Googled it. It says it remains two separately incorporated cities. They're right across from each other. Wait, say it again, Sean. It says it's two separately incorporated cities, but together along with a number of other cities and suburbs as part of the Kansas City metropolitan area. Separately incorporated? They're next to each other. Is there a picture of it, Sean? Does it straddle the border? Let me see.

Yeah. And if so, like where? Partially there's a river in between them, and then partially it just goes right down state lines. One has the Chiefs and one has meth. I don't know. I can't tell. One has meth, one has the Chiefs. Well, wait, who has the Royals? I think Missouri claims that. They're both Missouri. Missouri has the Royals. Wait, no, it's Kansas. Wait, no, no. I think Kansas claims the Royals. It's Kansas City, Missouri.

Kansas City, Missouri is the one that's like everyone knows about. Kansas City, Kansas is next to it. Yeah. It's not fair. Right. So Kansas City, Missouri is for the Chiefs. Kansas City, Kansas is probably for the Royals, correct? I don't... Is that true, Sean? Oh, boy. It's on the border. Look, I can't tell. Can I tell you something right now? I never learned how to read a map. No, they both play... They also play in Missouri, just for what it's worth. They all are in Missouri. It's Missouri, yes.

All right. What's on the other side? St. Louis is on one side and Kansas City is on the other. And I did get started in comedy in Kansas City. So I know, I should know. I went to school in Kansas, in University of Kansas. Oh, you went to Lawrence. But I don't know these things. Yeah. Okay. Okay. That's not Kansas University though, home of the Jayhawks. Wait, no, it is. No, it's University of Kansas. But they say KU. It's...

Nothing makes sense where I'm from. Everything's all fucked up over there. I don't really like... I gotta get out of there. I'm second-guessing everything. Hey, guys, can I just take a poll? You mean this podcast? Do we feel satiated on this? Do we feel good when we move on? Yeah, I feel good about it. JB, how do you...

I'm still a little confused. I'm going to do a separate Google later. Okay, go. Nikki, obviously we want to get to the roast because it's interesting. You've talked about it ad nauseam. You must be so fucking sick of it. Well, it's not going to be boring to me because I haven't seen it yet. Oh, really? Okay, good. I saw it. You were incredible. It was hysterical. The one where I first met you was on the Rob Lowe. No, but I made a big impression. It was the Alec Baldwin one, clearly. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, the Alec Baldwin one, yes. And you said one of the funniest jokes about me, and I still repeat it today to friends. What did I say? You said, you said it delivered, it was delivered perfectly. You said, "Shawn Hayes, oh my gosh, Will and Grace was the best you could do." I, uh...

I love this. So you recycled that joke. You did? Yeah, because that's a good one that you can just use for anything. Use it for anybody, yeah. Like, yeah, I talk about, like, I have a bit about my boyfriend and, you know, we break up and date other people and then I look back at him and I just think, oh my God, like, after dating all these guys, I'm just like...

the best I can do. Right. So I've recycled that one. Yeah, that works. But I fanned out on you backstage. I just think you're hysterical. Oh, it was such an... When you fanned out, that meant a lot to me. Well, thanks. But I...

It's true, these roasts, they become a place to discover people, but I feel like you were already discovered, but for some reason this last one, everybody acts like they found you, but it's Nikki Grazer. She's been around forever, and she's been brilliant forever. So what did that feel like to be like, wait, I've been here. What are you guys all talking about?

I didn't feel that way. I kind of was like, yeah, this... I've never been like, when is everyone going to notice? And I just kind of... I really just take what comes to me and I never really want to like fight for people to care about me. I want people to care about me on their own time. Yeah, yeah. So I've kind of been like, okay, when they do, they do. And felt pretty relaxed about it. But this was...

I mean, it was insane. It was just like kind of an overnight thing that I never expected would happen in my career. I've always expected it just to be very slow and gradual. And I kind of liked the level of...

I had achieved. It's comfortable. I'm not that recognizable. My life isn't like disrupted by it ever, but there's some perks to it. But now it's changed. I want for nothing and I'm just good. It's like I can say no to things if I want, but now it's like it was a huge bump overnight and I'm sure you guys have experienced that in your careers as well and it's just more people. He's had a lot of bumps. Sometimes I put them all together and make a nice fat lie. Sure, sure.

Oh, I remember the days. Nikki, do you find like now you're at the airport and people are like, people are like, roast me, burn me. Yeah. They don't say that, thank God, because I don't, it would be so mean coming out right away. And sometimes I will go there, but no, thank God they don't do that. They just say, did we go to camp together? You know, that kind of thing. Right. Like, where do I know you? Because I usually look like shit when I'm traveling. So I don't really look that recognized. I don't buy that.

I really do not look the same. I always steal that line that Dax said years ago, and I use it all the time. People go, when they have that moment of confusion, they go, I think I know you. And I go, yeah, I used to work at Subway around the corner. And they go... Because everyone's frequented a Subway. Yeah, and they're like, maybe he made me a sandwich. Yeah, maybe this is the guy who...

Yeah, that's so good. He seems old to be working in the subway. Don't you guys... The reason I've never seen a roast, I think, is because I... Too cringy. Yeah, it gets so tight because I think that poor person is going to have all these very good-natured jokes, right? They're hard-hitting jokes, but the whole... Everybody knows the game here is that we're going to, like, say nasty things about... But, like...

for the most part, that person doesn't know these people. And so like, where do these, I just don't know how that goes down okay for the subject. I think you have, you can opt to not be a part of it.

and when you opt to be a part of it-- - You could say no to it, sure. - Yeah. - You know that-- - It's consent. - But can you say no to even-- to being there? Like, basically not be attending your funeral effectively and just come-- - No, no, no, no. - So you have to be there. - I think you have to be there. - Yeah, that'd be weird if you're like, "Hey, let's just have a night where we shit on so-and-so." And then he's-- knowing that he's at home going like, "What the fuck?"

Although it'd be pretty funny. Yeah. But then the person has to like pretend to laugh the whole time and pretend to be kind of like, okay. Your feelings do get hurt. Like you can go in thinking, oh, they're only going to go this far. And then they go further. I know I've seen it happen where they don't plan on you going there.

And that's really the only way to get to the huge laughs, too, is when it gets super uncomfortable, right? Of course. And to say that, like, I went some places on the Tom Brady roast that I thought other people would go to, and they didn't. And I was the only one that kind of said those names or brought up those subjects that were kind of sore for him. And it is crazy. Like, I've seen old roast clips of, like, I don't like to watch myself, so when I come up on my own feed, I'm like, ugh, get out of here. But when I was preparing for this roast, I was like,

okay, try to channel what you've done in the past. You've got to watch what people like about you. I don't even, you know, I just do it and then I don't watch it again. So I'm just like, watch it again and see what you bring to this because it had been four years since I'd done one. So I watched one.

And I was like, who the fuck do you think you are saying this to people? You told Alec Baldwin all this? Like, what? Like, I just didn't recognize this girl. And I'm like, she's got balls, but she's also like a psychopath. Like, I just didn't... I really didn't... I couldn't believe that I did it, but I was like, I guess I have to channel that again. And you really just...

They're set, Tom Brady's just set in your periphery a little bit back enough that you can't really see him when you're performing. Right, right, right. So it helps. Does anybody know if any of these roasts have ever gone wrong where the subject just like says, whoa, whoa, whoa, fuck you.

you and gets up and leaves. I read the Tom Brady thing, right? A little bit. I just kind of read little blurbs. Was he upset? Do you know? Yeah, I think he said that he, in hindsight, kind of regrets it. I don't really... He doesn't regret it. He's glad he did it, but he didn't know that we would go some places. I don't really know how he feels about it, but I totally...

See what he means because I think you go into these things thinking that they're – you just don't know what people will dig up about you and see in you when they study you and look at your face. But no one's ever gotten up and stopped it in the middle of it and just like left and just gotten pissed. I think –

I think there was one joke at a Comedy Central one where it was about... It was like a Paul Walker joke that Ludacris was there and he's friends with him, obviously, and he got up and walked off stage. But they cut it later. I think there was something like that that happened. You know, one of my favorite was...

I don't know what happened to her. She was so funny. Lisa Lampanelli. She was really, really funny. She quit. She quit, yeah. Did she really? What happened? She does self-help talks now, so she's like a motivational speaker now. But she got out of it because she was like, it's too mean. Yeah, it's tough. It's tough, right? She was one of the best. She was one of the best. One of my favorite jokes that she said during the roast of William Shatner was she was going through his credits, you know, and she goes, remember TiVo when...

before DVRs, there was TiVo. Yeah, we got it. And it made, if you liked something, it would suggest other things, you know? And so she goes up there and she goes, yeah, William Shatner, I tried a TiVo TJ hooker once and TiVo suggested I punch myself in the cunt. LAUGHTER

That's great. That's a great joke. And you can handle it. It's been off the air for a while. You can have some distance. Hey, Sean, was Scotty just in a violent rage throughout the whole William Shatner roast? He didn't watch that, right? No, he watched it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he enjoyed it. He wasn't happy about it. And Betty White. Betty White was on the panel, and she got told, like, really crass jokes. It was so funny to see Betty White tell crass jokes. Yeah, I love that one of my old, like, from one of the early ones that was on Comedy Central years ago was something about Andy Dick. I have

I forget who said it. It might have been Jeff Ross. "I wouldn't fuck Andy Dick with Bea Arthur's dick." - Yeah, yes, yes. - Is that what it was? - Fucking great. - It was something like, yes. And then they cut to Bea Arthur, like, "What?" Yeah, the reaction shots are always the best. That really sells it, too, is that you gotta have the person that you're making fun of, when they're cutting to them live, that really will, like, make or break what people thought of your joke. - Right. - If they're laughing along. We'll be right back.

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So how did you first get, were they just like, hey, listen, who's a really, who's got a really shitty disposition? Nikki Glaser, let's get her in here. Yeah, she's a really, she's really mean to people. Yeah, it started early. Like I remember I wrote, you know, jokes for people who were doing the roasts early on. And then I did, Jeff Ross had a show called The Burn on Comedy Central and I had a show on Comedy Central at the time. So they threw me on that and I had a really good showing on that. I just knew it was a place that I would

really excel and I needed to prove myself to Comedy Central for them to even consider me. So I worked really hard to do that TV show and I did a great showing and then, and then people don't really want to do roasts. So it's like, you know, they probably asked Whitney Cummings that year. They asked Amy Schumer. Yeah.

And then they, Natasha Leggero, and they probably didn't want to do it. And so they called up me and last minute, you know, you get booked like a week before and you go, okay. And then you have a good one. And then they asked you back the next time. And every time I kind of go, I don't know if I want to do this because it's so much work.

And I would really, I would always have like a mental breakdown right before it and think, what am I doing? I'm going to bomb and like cry and have panic attacks about it. I don't know if you guys relate to that where you would say yes to things. And then you do them and you go, I'll never do this again. JB, tell her our rule that Matt Damon taught us.

-What? -Which about-- Oh. -Which is-- -I thought it was Ben, actually. Well, it was Ben who told Matt, but he said, "If somebody asks you to do something--" And you can start using this from this moment forward, Nikki. "If somebody asks you to do something--" Like two months down the line. "Six months, come and show up at this thing. Say to yourself, ask yourself, 'Would I want to do it tomorrow?'"

Oh, that's so good. If you don't want to do it tomorrow, say no. It's unbelievably effective. You know what? I would even though, I would go, do you want to do it now? Sure. Because even tomorrow, sometimes I'm like, I'll be

But yeah, I'm always that's such a great but but this this though I I need time to prepare so I don't know how to answer that You know, yeah, yeah, it's so what asked me I always want to do it because I'm like the exposure the potential of it and then you get in it and it's like Destroying my relationships destroying my life. It's it's making me self-doubt all the time and then and then it's over and I'm like That was the greatest I can't wait to do it again And then yeah, everyone in my life goes what do you mean you want to do that again? But this

This time around, I actually implemented a system where I was happy the whole time, and I know how to do it now, and I can't wait to do it again. But the three before destroyed my life. I totally relate to that. And obviously, none of us, the three of us, is a stand-up. But any time I'm asked to kind of go and host something, you know, a charity thing or whatever. That's a lot of work. A, it's a lot of work. But B, every single time I do it, I become—

a bigger and bigger grouch leading up to the day, leading up to the moment and I'm fucking in the worst place and then you do it and everybody's and it works and you're like, that was fucking great and everybody in your life is like, fuck man, you were a dick for the last two weeks. Yes. The dread. Every time. People have told me that no one hates what they are going to do more than you all the time and then when I do it,

Even when I'm like about to go, when I'm on stage with a microphone having the time of my life, unless I'm like bomb, you know, like something's totally wrong. But as soon as I'm performing, I'm in it. I'm doing great. But dread constantly up until that moment. And I think that's just, I don't know, the way it goes. Nikki, do you allow yourself to think, because you were saying earlier that you're really happy with where you find yourself. Like you've got, you've got, you've got,

the right amount of, you've got an amount of relevance that you really enjoy, but also a nice amount of anonymity where you still, you know, you can go to the grocery store, et cetera, et cetera. Do you allow yourself to think forward, you know, a year, five years, 10 years? Do you allow to, do you allow yourself to think about goals and stuff like that? Where, where do you, where do you want to go? Do you know? No. And I want to ask you guys about it too. Do you have goals or do you just

keep saying yes to things as you go. And see where it takes you? Because I kind of just say yes to where it takes me. If you look at my credits, you see that I say yes to a lot of shit. We do a lot of switchbacking, you know. We don't go right up the hill. This is for another podcast, but I'm a freak about goal setting and writing them down and all that stuff. You are. For years and years and years. Are you teasing a new podcast right now? What's the new podcast? This sounds exciting. Can we be a part of it? Are we producing it with you? What's...

No, no. Sean is a taskmaster. He's just like, our joke is, Sean takes, like, if an email comes to the three of us about some sort of business thing, within 12 seconds before he thinks of his answer, he's responding. Yeah, I like to just check it off my list. I don't like to have anything in my inbox. Me too. I have an absolutely clean inbox. Really? And I'm like, I need 24 hours to think about it.

-I'm like, "I'm not answering you." -And then someone needs to text me, -"Hey, you need to respond to that email." -Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I do. My email has just moved to texting. But, Nikki, so for like the goal list thing, the goal list thing, since I'm like 22, 23 years old, I've been writing down goal lists and they're stream of conscious goal lists. Like, I'll write down on paper, I'll go one, two, three, and I'll just number it as they come in my head. And there's the stupidest things like,

I got to lose five pounds. I got to visit my mom more. I got to make it, you know, I got to connect with this person about this project. You can cross that one off. Yeah, exactly. My mom passed away. So, but...

Shit. My mom died like 25 years ago. It's hilarious. Anything in there about your dad's license plate? I didn't say it wasn't sad. Yeah, no, it was very sad, but we got to laugh. I'm just saying that's one less thing that you have to do. Right. But anyway, so I would do all these things and then at the bottom I put lifetime goals. This is like when I was 22, 23. I'm like, I want to host Saturday Night Live. I want to be on David Letterman. I want this, blah, blah, blah.

And I went to therapy like years ago and he goes, "Don't tell me a catastrophe happened." I go, "What?" He goes, "They all came true." I go, "Yeah, every single thing on my list came true." And that's always-- Yeah, so I got real depressed because it was bad. -Because then what's the point? -What do you do next? -What's the point of living? -Do you make new ones? -Yeah, so then-- -Buy a rope, buy a chair. Find a beam. Find a beam. Throw the rope over the beam. Kick the chair out.

Regret it immediately. Try to get the rope off to no avail. Regret it immediately. And as I'm doing it, I'm still checking it off. I'm like, okay, the rope's not on. Try to yell to Scotty, but my windpipe is... With your toe on the desk.

By the way, Sean, I noticed something about the way that you described you. You sounded like you were from Brooklyn or something. You go, since I'm 22. Since I'm 22 years old. Yeah, so anyway, and he said the most obvious thing in the world, but it's

it isn't obvious until you hear somebody say it. He was like, "Well, you just gotta make new ones." And I was like, "Oh yeah, I guess I just gotta keep thinking." - But then, I've been trying to like manifest stuff and I'm doing these manifest meditations where it's like, just picture your life with the thing you want. Feel that it's already happened and then you drift off to sleep

And you try to get the feeling, not that you're doing the thing, but that you live in a world in which this is what you do. It's already happened. What is he, like Esther Hicks? It's, what is his name? Neville Goddard. Neville Goddard. That's how everyone says his name on YouTube. But yeah, please help. Yeah, no, here's a crazy story I have really fast with these guys. Let me tell it. So it's- Fuck, man. Are you going back to back? Yeah.

Yeah. And then that's it. B to B? You want B to B already? All right, good. B to B. I thought we left you on the beam. You not know how to take a hint? Left you on the beam.

Still writing my goals down. Just the sound of a rope. So anyway, when I was a kid, I was obsessed with this show, Soap. Do you remember the show, Soap? One of the great sitcoms. So in the opening credits, when they used to like rehash the whole story of the show in the opening credits over and over every week, they would say, these are the Tates and these are the Campbells. And then, and blah, blah, blah, blah. And this is Soap, right? And so these are the Tates and these are the Campbells. The Tates were the rich family. The Campbells were the poor family. Or,

or you know the lower middle class whatever so the tates they would show this establishing shot of this beautiful house this brick house in this gorgeous neighborhood i was like oh my god i grew up shit shit poor nothing you know everybody knows my story so then i was like i would race to the tv every every week to watch that opening i was obsessed with this house so about eight seven eight years later scotty and i had a few to drink and we're going on a rabbit hole on youtube of old openings of like 80s 90s sitcoms

You know, we saw Jason's, we saw like whatever, you know, like facts of life and whatever, the Hogan family and like Dallas and like, you know, all of them. And I was like, oh, Scotty, we have to YouTube the opening credits of Soap. I was obsessed with this house as a kid. So we opened it and we're like, these are the Tates and these are the Campbells. And the house right behind mine. Oh my God. Swear to God. This stuff is real. No.

That you can. When I was a child. The manifesting things. Paying attention to things. But so, so then if Nikki, if you're manifest, then that, then you are allowing yourself to dream a little bit of the future. Yeah. And what does it look like? That's, that's what I'm struggling with is like, I kind of like the way things are. And so I, I have an apartment. I don't like, I don't own a home. And so I'm like, you know what? I should,

a home so let me just visualize the home i'm in and then i think about like we got to get these cabinets redone and then i'm like oh i got to call someone like i'm living in it and then i go i gotta call the landscaper like there's so much work that starts happening i go i don't want this house like let me take me back to my apartment so i'm kind of like

I just really like the way things are now. So I feel, but I have goals of like, you know, SNL, I think is a good goal. Like hosting SNL. That's a great goal for a celebrity person. It's happened, right? It's yes. I think it's happened. It's happened.

There's, I think it's not yet, but there's been talks. There's whispering. There's whispering. They should get you. There's no way that it's not happening. Just knowing how that shit goes and what's out there, there's no way that they're not asking you this fall. Absolutely. Thank you. Okay, so it's happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's already manifested. So I got, yeah, I don't know. I don't know what's next. But what about Will and Jason? Do you guys goal it up?

I do. I mean, I sort of keep an eye on where I'd like to maybe be headed towards, but it's not that specific. It's just I just want to be challenged with stuff that is right at the edge of what I'm able to handle. And I know that there's going to be a day soon where I'm like, fuck this.

throttle back and just relax. And so I know that's gonna come, so while I'm actually feeling this fuel, why not let it go? -You know? -Exactly the same way. -Yeah. -Drive towards it. -Yeah. -I think that's good. I do the same thing, Nikki, that you do, which is-- And sometimes I do it super consciously and I actually set out to do it, but I do the same thing of sort of manifesting, and I find that I do kind of manifest in real time most of the time.

And it's been super, super, super effective for me. I don't know why.

And I think I did it. That's what, why my, I, when I was in high school, I used to just tell my friends, oh, well, I used to be obsessed with Dave Matthews and my friends all were too. And I would say, oh, I'll just like meet him someday and like get to, I'm going to tell him like how I feel. And they were like, how would you meet him? And I'm like, well, I'm going to be famous. And they were like, what? They just like, I remember their incredulousness of like that. I thought that, and it was so obvious to me that that's what's going to happen and that I'll be in

I'll be in his sphere. And I had the same thing about Letterman. I used to think, I used to watch Letterman at night when I was a kid, like in the 80s, like in high school, and I'd watch him at 1230 and I'd think like, I bet you Letterman's going to think I'm really funny. And it worked out. And he does, yeah. And it worked out. Of course he does. And it ends,

Yeah, that kind of shit, I just... Maybe that's sort of dumb confidence of youth. I don't know, but... But Nikki, do you want to pursue... I know you've done tons of acting stuff, but is that important to you to pursue that lane as much as stand-up and everything else? Yes and no. I mean, I think that's what I started pursuing initially in high school when I was like, how am I going to get... How am I going to meet Dave Matthews? I got to get... That was my...

That was my real goal of like being on TV is that's the only way I could be in his sphere. And when I met him, I said the word sphere several times of I tried to be in your sphere. It was really embarrassing. Well, where did that, were you living with, was your family super encouraging of your humor and like was mom and dad funny? Were your siblings like, where did the confidence come from that like, oh, you know, if I think of something funny, I should share it because that usually works out.

That did not come until way later. So I was like, okay, I'll be an actress. And I was not getting the parts in school plays. And I didn't even go to like a theater school. So it was like, you know, I was getting Townsperson B and stuff. So I was getting feedback like, this isn't for you to act. Not even Townsperson A. Always B. And...

and I would think I would get the lead and then I'd be at the bottom of the list and I would cry and then I'd go, oh, I guess I'll go do field hockey and it was terrible at sports. So I was like, didn't really, but I was so depressed that it wasn't gonna work out. I auditioned for theater school, didn't get in anywhere and I was really like, I guess I'll just like have to kill myself on

Like, I really was thinking that because what's the point of living if you're not going to be on TV and performing in some way? But I had no way to do it. I just thought acting's the only way. I had no idea there were other things. I didn't even look into it. I know I couldn't sing or dance. What did your parents do? What did your parents do? My dad's in the cable business and my mom was just a homemaker. And so they were just, they were,

always supportive and I come from a really funny family and they have great taste in comedy so I was always consumed my dad like introduced me to Conan um when I was in like eighth grade and I was like you gotta check out this show and then that changed my like life and Seinfeld I was obsessed with and and friends I was really I loved comedy but I wasn't stand-up didn't I didn't do much for me I just wasn't even paying attention to it and then I went to college and I was like

long story short, I had like a terrible eating disorder because I was pretty much like, I just want to die. My life sucks and nothing's going the way I want it to and I have to go to college and figure out what I want to do for a living but I don't want to do anything except perform and I'm not good at that and everyone tells me I'm not good at it. Like, I was taking voice lessons to be a singer and my voice teacher like took my mom aside and said, this is a waste of your money. She doesn't have it. Like, I was like,

I was getting... What? Your mom said that? The voice teacher said that to my mom. And so I just was so discouraged. And then I was... I just got an eating disorder that I was like, oh, I'll just die of this. And I really wanted to. I was really like slowly just dying. And then I was hospitalized. It was right after high school and I was going off to college. I was hospitalized over the summer and...

And then I, you know, needed to get out of there. And so I lied and I was like, I just got to go away to college and then I can like kind of die off alone without people monitoring what I'm eating. Oh my God, Nikki, this is awful. It's so sad. It's so sad. But I really was like, what's the point? I just didn't know what the point of life would be if I wasn't a performer because I also, I wanted, I feel like my parents really pay attention to TV in a way that I always wanted to be paid attention to. And I think that's why I wanted to get on TV was that even though

they love me so unconditionally. I just didn't feel it the way that I was just a very sensitive child. Anyway, they're great parents. How did you overcome that moment? How did they prove that they loved you? Sorry, go ahead. Well, they proved they loved me. I'm still working on it, but I have theories that they do. But the love

seems to amp up a little bit when I, you know, bring them to the Tom Brady roast. You know, there's a little bit more of text messages from my mom of, I've always loved you, like finally. But wait, that's really, more than your father does. And we will be right back.

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Nikki, what an interesting story. How did you overcome that enormous hump from high school to college? You just touch bottom and then just... Well, I was like ready to fucking go. Every night I would be like, please die in your sleep because I was just hungry all the time. And it's like, you know what it's like to be hungry, Jason. And so it's like...

Now she's going. Look at how she's cooking. Fucking time. You dabble in the E.D.s. It's not enough, though, in the E.D.s. And so it's... Yeah, I was waiting for that to just end it because I was cold all the time. I was hungry. I looked insane, so I couldn't really make friends because everyone's just like, this girl is like a skeleton who looks so weird and looks so brittle and I was about to die and my hair's falling out and I'm just...

And I'm at my freshman year of college. I don't have any friends. And I need to make some. So I like, I think my, I just turned up my personality a lot just because I looked so crazy that I needed, the only way to make friends was to be larger than life. Right. And so I started being funnier. I just like, it just was an adaptive trait. You made yourself funnier.

I did because no one would like me otherwise. And then all of my friends, I got friends because it was funny and really outgoing. And all my friends would say, God, when we first saw you, we were like, who is that girl? And then we kind of forgot that you looked like that because people would go to my friends and be like, we're really worried about her. And they'd be like, we don't even know what you're talking about because

I did really just overcompensate for how sick I was with my personality. And that's when people started going, you should be a stand-up comedian. Wow. And once I heard that, I go, okay, what's that? Okay. Amazing. I mean, I knew what it was, but then I Googled it and I saw Sarah Silverman and then that changed my world. And that was like, okay, I'll just do that. I was going to say, what was the thing that inspired you to, as you said, turn it up? What was the thing where, I know your hair was falling out because you kind of rocked bottom. But what inspired you?

What made you... I didn't want to be made fun of. I wanted to be the first to make the joke about how thin I was or what... I wanted to be so extraordinary, my personality, that no one would notice how scary I looked or how concerning. So I think that was it. You know, like the fat kid in school can be the class clown or most... I had never experienced that before where my looks like made people talk about me and whisper about me and make fun of me. I always just in high school wanted to just...

disappear. I didn't want boys to make fun of me. I just was so scared of any attention. I wanted attention on stage when I told you you could. But I really was like, people from high school are just like, you are a comedian? Like, I just kind of was...

I didn't really, I didn't make big waves in high school. But, and then when I turned it up, that's when people started telling me that. And then as soon as I looked into it, I was like, oh, of course this is it. I've always, I'm like writing comedy. I have, I love comedy. And then acting, the thing I found hard was like being someone else. I really think it was just,

I was always trying to run away from who I was. And I finally found something that celebrated. I could say the weirdest things and the darkest things that I was ashamed of into a microphone. And then people like me more because of the things that I hate the most about myself. Oh, yeah. But it's honest. So that was really cool. It's honesty. It's authentic. Which is the reason that mental illness exists is because people aren't being honest. And so that really helped me.

But the one thing that you did not generate overnight was, I mean, you're obviously really smart. And so that is something that you probably sort of saved you in the end from a lot of stuff was that you're not a dummy. You're really bright. By the way, you lost Sean when you said hungry all the time. Sean looks so confused. He's like, what do you mean?

I'm never hungry. I'm never hungry. So then you found then that the thing that was bumming you out internally was actually material and that that is like it actually becomes an asset to you and that vulnerability is one of the huge keys to comedy. You know, you got to pull your pants down a little bit. There's nothing funny about no problems. Just say the honesty.

And people can't even believe you're saying it because most people aren't honest at that level. And so whenever I'm on stage and I'm trying a new bit and it's not going well and I've kind of lost the audience and they know that I know, I just like, my trick for that is just to stop

And just say the honest thing. Yeah, because it's so healing and you can't lose. And you just go, that bombed. Yeah. And you guys don't like me anymore. Right. And then they laugh. And also be revealing too in that way and be vulnerable. And JB and I have often said there's nothing funny about a six pack. Right. You know what I mean? It's just not fucking funny. Exactly. Who gives a fuck? Look how quick Will Ferrell takes his shirt off. It fucking works every time. It's so good. I fucking love him for it. But that's the struggle.

though, because I also want to be hot. Like, listen, we're all funny, but we all care about looking aesthetically. Look at this Henley. Did you get a good look at the Henley? I've heard about this Henley. Look at that drape. Did Amanda buy that for you? She did. It's good. Okay. But yeah, we all care about what people think of, like, how we look. And then people go, but you're funny. You don't need to care. And it's like, well,

- That is a part of it and it's honestly, that's, I'm being honest when I say I'm insecure about my looks. So that's still part of it for me. I can't help that I do care about my looks even though you don't need to. - Everybody does. - Stop saying that. - Everybody does. - I think you're super cute. - Everybody does no matter what job. And Sean's right, you are super cute. But think about it this way.

Because of the very nature of what you do, people comment. And we live in a world now where we see those comments and we hear that stuff so much more readily. So, of course, it makes sense that you'd be... You know, when people say that... I remember years ago, some friends from Toronto I grew up with were like, oh, fuck, Willie, all you actors, you guys just care about how you look. I'm like, yeah, because everybody's talking about it when you do something. They go, fuck, you look like shit. By the way, I got an on-camera job.

Yeah. And people go like, fuck, man, that guy, Arnett looked like shit in that thing. You're like, oh, thanks a lot, man. Yeah. They will say, in their, the comments, there was, there's,

It's insane that there are comments under every single clip or video or picture that is of you. David Spade told me a while ago, he was like, you know back when I did the Hollywood Minute during Weekend Update? That was the only time celebrities got like mocked mercilessly for like a minute. That was the only time that celebrities were being made fun of ever because it was just all... Stern used to do it a bit right before that. Right. Okay, so there's like two outlets for it. And now it's...

All people do. I will say, I like the way that you've offset it. And I was going to bring this up before when you talked about that you moved back to St. Louis. We had somebody on recently who moved back to the Midwest and it's made me long for, I don't know why recently, I've really longed for not living on either coast.

I've had this sort of dream. It makes me feel kind of good because there is something. Yeah, a little bit. There's something kind of. Yeah, but what's that quote? Doesn't matter where you go, there you are. Yeah. You're going to feel the same no matter where you go. I agree. That is true. Yeah, I'm not looking at it as a remedy for how I'm necessarily feeling. I'm just talking about my day-to-day experience. Like what do I want that experience to be? Your environment, yeah. Yeah, you just want to get carjacked a little. Yeah. In the Midwest. Desperate to be. No.

I get what you mean. Well, the reason I like it is because I... If I'm in New York or L.A., I can do a set every single night and I can feel like I'm not doing enough. And I could be doing a set tonight and getting stronger. And I could be doing a podcast and...

But in St. Louis, there's nothing much going on, so I feel like it's just kind of an escape. I'm a workaholic, and I lock up my liquor on the coast, and I go, and I can go get it if I can get a key and, like, deliberately go get it. But it's not just waiting for me in my room in St. Louis. I kind of am away from work and don't have to drive myself crazy with it. And I can forget that all that stuff matters.

When you really are in New York and LA, you get sucked into the machine of like, you've got to do more. It's not enough. And comparing yourself more, even though they're all waiting for you on Instagram to compare yourself to, I feel it more here, which is good sometimes. When I was doing the roast, I was like, I'll go to LA for a month and a half before that to get in the zone of like,

competitiveness and running my set every night and like feeling like I'm not enough and needing to prove myself. But I couldn't do that in St. Louis. I couldn't just like fly and do the roast. I would have come with this like Midwest ease. I needed to come in like strong and insecure. What's your day-to-day like in St. Louis then if you're not working? Like wake up. I go into my podcast room, which is next to my bedroom, do a podcast.

Then I go to a Pilates class. Then I go to Starbucks and pretend to write. And then I, you know, that whole thing where you open up your laptop and then you just. That's a whole thing that I love. I love how you work. You guys are too famous to do that now. That's the fame I don't want to be is like where I can't go to Starbucks still and just.

sit and in a coffee shop. It's coming. I gotta, I gotta really enjoy it while I got it. But yeah, I just sit there in online shop and then I go back home and play my guitar a little bit. And then I go to a voice lesson. I'm still trying to be a singer. So I just, yeah. And then I go hang out with my parents, hang out with my niece and nephews. And then, you know, acting desire you said, or it's just sort of atrophied way back when, and there there's no desire there at all. No, there totally is. I think that it would be so fun. Um,

to do it, but it's, it's, being on set is really exhausting and boring sometimes. being on set is, can be very boring, exactly. But, And on the road is easy for me. I don't even have to think about it. I just walk on stage. But also just the creative difference of an actor has to fit lines that were written before they, they come in. So your job is to fit a pre-existing character and line. As a standup, it's the total opposite. You are already there and then you're writing lines to fit you.

That's what I like about it. Yeah, okay. But what about the... I always wait to the last second for everything. So that doesn't work in acting. You can't be just like, you know, binging your lines right before and memorizing them. I'm sure sometimes that is the way it has to happen. But there's a lot of preparation and forethought involved

that goes into being an actor and preparing. And I feel like as a stand-up comedian, as long as I'm just showing up as myself, I can get the job done. Like, I don't like a lot of review. I don't like a lot of rehearsal. I don't like to critique myself because then I start to see the flaws. So with stand-up, I'm just like, I can just be in a conversation and I'm just...

you know, with someone and be like talking about something really sad and crying and then walk on stage and do it and then walk off and get right back to it. I don't have to like get in a zone. It just seems like a lot of work. And I'm into... Now I would get jobs where I'm acting against people like you guys who have been doing it so long and I'd feel...

Like I'm not good enough and their self-doubt would come in. Well, we'd be judging you, but... You should. Sean would have a spare rope and chair for you if things went wrong. Always standing by. Always standing by. Yeah. Well,

Well, I think you could do whatever you wanted and certainly now you could, but you probably always, I suspect you always could have. Yeah, leave yourself open for all of it because you seem incredibly dynamic and well-suited for all opportunities. Yeah, I'm so happy for your success. I want to see you doing more stuff. You're so naturally funny and so funny.

What I also love about it is, I don't, well, maybe you do on some of your podcasts and stuff, but you don't seem to have fallen in the trap yet of a lot of stand-ups who seem to be obsessed with talking about breaking down stand-up, which I'm like, fucking enough. Oh, God, I'm so bored by it. Some of these older stand-ups, I'm like, shut the fuck up.

Fuck up. Who cares? Who do you think you are? Who cares? Who the fucking cares? What does that mean, breaking down stand-up? You mean like talking about it? The science behind it. No, the science behind it. What they think about stand-up and how they do it. And they only talk to other stand-up. I'm like, shut up, man. Oh.

I don't apologize for a joke and cancel culture. I'm just really not that interested in that stuff either. And I think that we like to pat ourselves... You know, every artist likes to pat themselves on the back like they changed the world. And some of it does, but I just... I don't know. I don't... I kind of just fell into it and it fits me, but I don't think of it as...

stand-ups are like above other no and I think sometimes we have to think that because we feel so less than and that's why we do stand-up is because we didn't fit in any of the other ones I can see that but like all of us are just out here trying to figure it out and so when people start breaking it down as though we're a process and as though we're a science oh right anyway but when people ask me about the process it's always like how do you write it it's I think it's the

I think it's the same for most comedians. It's just you say something funny in conversation and then you go, oh, I should maybe do something about that. And then you take out your phone and the conversation comes to a halt and everyone waits for you. And you go, wait, exactly how did I say it? And then you ruin the moment.

And then you, and then I'm in the wings of the show before the show kind of going like, what should I do tonight? I'm kind of sick of my act as it is. Like maybe I'll, and I'll look through and I'll go, oh, okay, maybe I'll throw that in. And then it just kind of happens on stage, but it's, it's, it's a lazy room. But you're super funny. I'm doing the only thing I've ever been good at.

You're the top of the game. Honestly, I could just watch you do stand-up all the time. You're really awesome, and you're very generous to have come here. Yeah, and someone who's been a fan as long as I have to see you finally get this kind of recognition. It's awesome. Yeah, for sure. Well, being on SmartList is a huge deal to me. Oh, yeah. You guys are so much a clown. Fucking funny. Yeah.

And your show was so good. And talk about vulnerability. I mean, that's, but that's what we, don't we all want that from our celebrities? Like, I've always just wanted to see how they are. I used to love the, like, the stars are just like us kind of things. I used to really do love that. And that's what I think podcasts have given us is that conversational quality and we get to really know you. And some actors stink and they're not interesting at all in conversation. But you guys don't, you're so fucking funny. And,

Yeah, I'm just like... You're infectious. You're very, very clean, honest sort of energy coming out of you is really kind of... We're droll in moments. You're funny, so... No, you guys are hilarious. All of you. Thanks, Nikki. It's so good to see you. So good to see you, too. Thank you. Yeah, you, too. Yeah, thanks, Nikki. Oh, my God, Nikki Glaser! Nikki! Thank you, guys. Thank you, Nikki. Thanks, Nikki. Bye. Have a great rest of the day. Bye, sweetie. Bye.

How great is Nikki Glaser? That was super fun. I'm embarrassed to say that's my first experience with her. And wow, what a force. Only my second? I'm a huge fan of hers already. Yeah, she's amazing. She's super, super amazing. I love what she said because she, I mean, even on here, she's just...

brutally honest about everything and how she feels and her opinions. And I think that's what people are drawn to. She's got specials on Netflix that I can like immediately pull up. She's got a special on HBO and Comedy Central. Dude, she's an absolute just like comedy megastar. Yeah. I'm really taken by her. And not just because of her level, but just also...

how funny she is. She is profoundly funny. So good. And my buddy, my buddy, great Bob Castrone used to work with her too. That's how he kind of really turned me on to her about five years ago. He was like, Nikki Glaser's the funniest.

He wrote with her for a long time. I bet she would be great in movies. And she doesn't need to act. It's like five people that act. Most of us just play versions of ourselves. And I'd love to see a million different versions of her. Yeah. I bet she'd be great. I agree. No, she's a really nice, which is so funny because she does these roasts, which can be so super cutting and stuff. And she's actually like a super nice, kind person.

And I've, yeah, she's cool. Sean, do you have a bodyboard on? Sean, are you frozen? What's going on? He's just trying to shuffling through bi ideas. It's so fucking... You've got the worst poker face. Sean, Sean. Look, I wasn't, I was just biting my tongue.

Why would you waste it? Was that, wait, yeah. Did you just like barely float that one up there? You were like, all of a sudden you were having a coma. You were in a coma. No, I was biting my time. Yeah. What's happening? Let's cut and re-roll. Let's do it.

That's a good one. It's very good. I just wish you would have just owned it instead of apologized for it. Why didn't you just... You're just sitting there and we noticed it's Sean. He was looking at a list that he had on his computer of buys. Yeah, old standbys. Guys, I found one. Fucking fuck, what is happening? This is a nightmare. Will, can you take us out like we should? You got anything?

We just had two good ones. I actually do have a book, a book of all the great byes that I want to use, and I call it my bye Bible. Oh. Okay. That'll do. That'll do. We'll see you at the next one.

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