S3 Ep. 4 - Peachyville Confidential 01:10:42

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Sounds freaking sweet, Lois.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description. Even here, in the dead of night, the Nebraska wilderness is alive with sound. Crickets, creaks, critters, and some say the leathery, flapping wings of a monster.

Just behind me, over that hill, lie the ruins of the Foggy Creek Coal Mine. Old-timers from around here know to stay well away, as it was the site of a terrible tragedy in 1845, when it became the birthplace of the legend of Bug Boy. Bug Boy, also known in some regions as Mothman. You gotta help me! I saw some monsters, but they weren't monsters, they were...

Wait, what are you doing out here? Are you with the Bullers too? Stay away from me! Freeze out! Wait, wait, come back here! My God, did you get that? Jesus, what a freakazoid.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This season, a Peachy podcast. We're doing the Peachyville Horror. He's gone rogue. A Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America. I'm fast-talking used car salesman, uh,

Tony Collette. Tony Collette. Tony Collette. T. Collette. I've been collecting. Freddie, but what's your name? You didn't say your name. You were just like, I'm Fast Car Talking News Car. Who am I talking to? That's how fucking DP is into this character. I just said, I'm Fast Talking News Car Salesman Tony Collette. But who are you? But who are you? Oh, that's right. I'm Freddie Wong. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Sorry, my mind is scattered. I've been doing fucking tour prep shit all day. Another late night record. Another late night record. Right before a tour. We're excited. No, I've been up for a long time. Okay.

I play Tony Collette. I got my COVID booster last night and I'm still a little flu-y. Are you Will? I am a little. It's going to be great. I've been collecting little phrases from marketing materials for movies from this era. And there's this like movie that came out in the 50s that's like a circus movie. It was a great show on Earth, I believe. It was like it won the Oscar. Anyway, point is, you may see some of these. You may see some of these phrases showing up. But this week's PG fact about Tony. Tony.

thinks smoking is effeminate and hates it. He's only doing it to fit in with all the cool boomers. That's what they're calling them. You've heard this new generation. The boomers are like four years old. What do you think they started smoking? That's fair.

They were exposed to it at a young age, including lead in gasoline. So, you know, well, there you go. He's just trying to fit in. He's trying to be cool by smoking cigarettes. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold and I play Kelsey Grammer, Peachyville's happiest and snappiest school arm. And if school weren't cool, how come everybody goes to it? Damn. You got us there, man. Holy shit, Aristotle. A little fact about Kelsey is,

One of the big innovations, one of the promises that Kelsey has for her encyclopedia that she wants everybody to know as she's doing it is that all letters are created equal. All letters are beautiful and every letter will get their own edition. X, Y, and Z will not share one book. Neither will J or K. Like this encyclopedia treats every letter the same. They're all beautiful. She's not cutting any corners. Is every letter going to get the same amount of pages? That's not, look. Laughter

When I say all letters are created equal, I'm saying... Some are more equal than others. They all get their own books. They all get their own separate but equal and separate books. Oh, no. I'm Anthony Burch. I play Francis Varsworth, the most bullied kid in Peachyville. Francis's peachy fact is that his favorite supernatural horror movie

urban legend is Bloody Mary because when he heard that if you look in a mirror and say Bloody Mary three times she appears he went home and picked some flowers from his garden and got some chocolate and flicked his hair back and said Bloody Mary into his mirror. This is the saddest thing I've ever

And he got stood up. But he has a feeling that he's just got to make himself worthy of Bloody Mary in the back of his mind. Oh my God, that's beautiful. That's a doo-wop song if I've ever heard one. Is there some kid that's lying about singing Bloody Mary? He's like jealous. He's like, oh. Oh yeah, Shane the next day was like, yo, I fucked Bloody Mary. She gave me a handy. I guess she thought you were too ugly. Bloody Mary touched me immediately. Fucked her three times, yeah.

My name, hi, is Beth May. This guy probably wants to fuck a candy man. And I play Trudy Trout. Trudy is a doting wife, homemaker, and mother of 2.5 beautiful children.

peachy fact about Trudy this week. Trudy has nerves of steel and will ride any roller coaster regardless of safety regulations. She once pet a tiger at a zoo back when that was legal. Wow. Was it legal? Of course. I mean, we all saw a documentary about this. There's zoos where you can do that now. Yeah, you're right. But these were mainstream zoos, you know? No.

Respectable zoos. Respectable, legitimate zoos. Hi, everyone. I'm your daddy master, William Campos. You're just looking good again today, Will. You really bring... Look, I just want to say, you're great. Thank you, Matt. I needed that little shot in the NBA. My peachy fact for all of you is some good news. You can lose up to 40% of your blood and not die.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah. You know, don't take me to the bank on that, but that was what the internet said when I looked it up. How much blood is there? You have 1.5 gallons. Like, lose it? You lose how much of it? 40%. 40 and beyond, you're probably going to die, but up until then, you're

it to go. Wow. So, you know, just some more juice. That's all I'm saying in my life that I thought I'd go. That's a lot. That's nine and a half cups. Yeah. I can't even drink that much. You're supposed to drink that much every day in water. I've been drinking only eight cups of blood a day.

You can't like drink your blood back into you, right? No. Okay. I mean, you can. It just won't become your blood again. I feel like that's one of those things that's good to... Look, I know it's a stupid question, but I feel like that's one of those good things to check. Because can you imagine if you could and then I didn't do it when I could have because I didn't ask a question? That's why there's no stupid questions. You ask these things. Matt, we should just put it unironically into a movie where a guy's like, I need blood, like,

Oh, but we can't find the veins. Give it to me. He drinks it and he's fine. Get that cup. It's so good on the floor. And he's just like, fine. I did it. I did it fine. I'm good. I can't find a vein. Vein, that's okay. That's okay. Let me drink it. The fury road is them doing the weird thing where he's just like picking a cup up and pouring it into her mouth. You make it like dramatic where they're like, actually the reason that they don't normally do this is because it tastes yucky. That's why they normally get it in your arm. And the guy who gets the transplant is a super taster. He's like, no, I don't want it.

That's drama. Supertaster hates all blood. You know what I'm saying? What the fuck are we talking about? Except one kind of bio negative, you know? Do you guys want to do a podcast? Let's do it. All right. Before we exsanguinate.

So when we last left off, three of you had been arrested. One of you absconded into the woods. That's right. Oh, God. We have a whole split party thing we're dealing with now. Francis is like his own jungle book story. I'm part of your film noir because you have a bunch of stolen money in your closet. Yes. Francis is hiding under Kelsey's bed. A gangster is just banged on the door demanding your money. And he also just found a pile of loose cash in what Matt Arnold described as a mystery closet.

This is weird, right? So that's what's going on with the Francis. The rest of you got arrested for your crimes. And we just revealed that Big Shane Silva plans on interrogating you one by one in a very special interrogation room set up by your own daddy-o master, me, Will Campos. And that's going to be something that we do. And also, by the way, you'll know this is taking up a room that I use, Will, for two weeks. For two weeks, that's right. I don't care. I don't care.

I'll take over Freddie's whole apartment. So we are going to do... Did you know that you can lose 40% of your apartment? So we are going to do our very first retcon at the start of this episode, which is cinematically, we did want to reveal the interrogation room by having Kelsey experience it firsthand. But we are now going to say that the first person to walk in there was Come On Wong. You robbed Kelsey in that moment? Okay, that's fine.

I just need a moment to readjust. I just want to look at you guys fucking stewing it a little bit. So Kelsey is going to come back and tell us about what. No, no, I haven't gone in yet. Kelsey never went in. Kelsey has not gone on yet. Oh, you're talking Matt Arnold went in. Matt Arnold went in to experience the real. Yeah, Matt Arnold did go in first, so I still win. Matt Arnold went in first, and now whoever the answer is, they can go second. Real separation of the character and actor. The character stays, the actor goes. So Kamon Wan has been in there for like an hour. She's talking, dude, dude, dude.

And all of you are- My mom's a snitch. Oh, you're not there, Francis. Excuse me. I can feel it for a second. I always knew Francis' mom was a no good snitch. So she's in there talking. The three of you, actually the four of you, because BB Britannic Blue is in here as well, are just stewing in this cell together. Okay.

What are you guys doing? How are we getting out of here? Do you know how to pick locks? She's a child. She's a smart child. Detective crime solving child. Mr. Collette, my family has one rule and that's don't squawk and don't talk to cops. That's two rules. But it's really one rule when you think about it. So my plan is to go in there and not say anything. BB, what do your parents do? My parents? Yeah. I don't really, you know, they do stuff.

They do stuff. You're a detective. You should know more than that. Well, you know, I don't really detect my parents that much. My dad, he does like business stuff at an insurance company. Phoebe, has your parents ever known anyone acquainted with the American Communist Party? My parents? Yes. Either of them. How dare you? I'm just asking the question. How dare you? Okay. How dare you? Hey, we're guttural scream. We're a team for a reason. Let's stay together. Okay, Tony? As long as we all keep our heads here, I think maybe.

BB will get out of this okay. Tony, can you apologize? BB's a good girl, which means there's absolutely no way her parents could be that scum. The only thing that runs red in me is my blood, which I'm about to make you lose 40% of, mister, if you keep talking like that. Oh, very well. I was just testing you. You see how your response tells you whether or not you're a communist. Fair enough. That is good. From the corner of the cell, you hear...

And Trudy is doing pull-ups on one of the bars. Like Linda Hamilton? Yes. I heard that in jail, peak exercise, it is so good for your health. Okay. I'm going to try doing what she's doing. Okay. Give me a strength roll. Mm. Mm. Mm.

I got a four. Holy shit. Oh, that boxing training. Yeah, Kelsey is just getting at it. You describe it. Paint me the picture. What exercise were you doing? I was doing four. She's doing her Kegels, dog. I was doing four.

Just sitting there squeezing, dog. Just sitting there clenching, bro. It's pull-ups when it's this way and chin-ups when it's this way? Pull-ups is when your hands are heading out, yep. Chin-ups is when your biceps towards your chin so you can kiss them. Okay, so she was doing pull-ups. Okay. No, those are chin-ups. So Kelsey starts doing pull-ups too. Chin-ups. Pull-ups. Kill me. Oh my God. Which one am I doing, Freddie? Pull-ups. Okay, I'm doing pull-ups too. And then as I'm talking... Pull-ups too. The sequel to pull-ups. Pull-ups.

She's doing pull-ups, and then as she's doing them, she lets go of one hand and is pointing at her teammates, but still doing the pull-ups. It's like, look, we're guttural scream, okay? You know what? I don't know what Bibi's parents are, but she's right. Like, we're not going to tell on each other, but we can tell the truth because we didn't do anything wrong. We were attacked.

Let's just stay together. We got this. Oh, wow. Those are some fancy pull-ups there. Well, thank you. A voice says, as another older lady, that's for you, Matt. You know, another older lady. You guys probably know each other. Just because we're old doesn't mean we're friends. We don't all know each other. An older lady with a pair of spectacles comes in and she says, hi there, I'm Mrs. Pickett. Uh,

Oh, I know you, Mrs. Pickett. Oh, it's good to see you, Kelsey. I wish I could say the same. Who would have thought you'd be a pink Okami bastard? That's really surprising to me. Whoa, whoa. But I was just, you know me, I'm the nice receptionist here, and I just wanted to see if y'all wanted anything to drink while you were waiting. Could be a while, don't you know? Oh, yes. I would love some sweet tea.

Oh, sweet tea. We've got a little bit of that. We've also got maybe some jello pudding or jello salad. Bring us bread. Bring us bread. We have some stuff left over from the police potluck, don't you know? Okay. Well, yeah, we'll take everything and I would like unsweetened tea. Okay. Well, we'll see. Kelsey. Yeah. It's good to see you, dear. No, that makes sense. It would be good to see me if I was you. Okay.

Yeah. So Mrs. Pickett walks away. What's your deal with that lady? She's such a, I can't even say the word because we have a child here. BB, close your ears. BB plugs her ears. Yeah, say the word. She's the worst. That's the worst thing I can say about somebody. Literally, of all of everybody I know, she's the worst. Oh my God. She's the worst. She cheats at bingo. I'll just say that. Cheats at, how can you cheat at bingo? They call the numbers. What?

She finds a way. Hold on. Wait, slow down. She's got a grip for cheating at bingos because they call the number and then you mark it. And then the first thing they do, if you have a late bingo. Are you taking her aside, Tony? I thought we were a team. You go up and then check all the numbers, which

They know they've won. I don't want to talk about it. I've never won, and she wins all the time. But sure, take her side. I thought we were a team, but whatever. So just then, the door opens, and Kimonwon and Ed, her lawyer, walk out. And she's not making eye contact with any of you guys. She's just briskly walking out the door. Oh, hi. Oh, Kimon. Hi. Yeah. She sang like a canary. And she walks out the door. And Big Shane steps out, and he says, all right.

You're next. And he points to you, Matt Arnold. I mean, not you, Matt Arnold. He points to you, Kelsey Grammer. All right, Kelsey, let's go. Can I have my lawyer? Yeah, oh, that's right. Milton's here. Oh, no. Milton is.

Milton is not my lawyer. Milton's been trying to hold your hand the entire time. As you're doing pull-ups, he's been like holding your hand. He's like, it's okay. It's going to be fine. I look on my other hand, but I'm still doing pull-ups. And I'm bashing away. No, Milton, I really, you know what? If you could help me as a lawyer, why don't you go find me a real lawyer? Okay, I'll go do that. But, okay, um...

How do I do that? You are a smart child and you have a lot of gumption. I'm sure you can figure it out. Thank you. Oh, okay. You have a lot of gumption too. Do you know what that word means? Mrs. Grammar, Miss Grammar. The way you said it doesn't sound like the way I said that word. I don't like the way you said it looking at me. Just go. What word? Gumption? Yeah. Stop. What's that extra syllable? Gumption? Stop. Stop.

What's wrong with the way Kelsey just I don't want to miss miss miss miss miss miss. Yes. I don't. What's wrong with the way I say gum? Absolutely nothing. You're a good little boy. Go find me a lawyer, please. OK. And he walks off. He's like, all right, let's go. Fine. This sounds totally legal. Sure. I'll go wherever you want, sir. OK, so. Oh, my God. They're walking away in real life. Talk amongst yourselves. Do you think he lets Kelsey have a Coke in there? Can I bring my Coke in there? Oh, no. I don't get under the light.

You don't want me under the light? Oh, that's right. I keep doing this. You've already shown weakness. Kelsey sits down and is like, oh, sir, don't you want me to sit underneath the scary light? Go ahead and sit under the scary light, please. Okay, well, it's just you were sitting underneath it. I thought you've done this before. I have done this before. Check, check, check. State your name for the record, please. My name is Kelsey Grammer. What's your middle name? Do you need to know that? I do. It's part of the form. Okay, well, it's Kelsey...

Okay. Well, you know what? My parents didn't give me a middle name. Did you have no middle name? No. They said when I'm ready, I can choose a middle name. And you know what? In 49 years, I've never found a name that quite fits me. So I'm Kelsey Grammer. Okay. Mrs. Grammer. Yes. Can I get you anything? Kelsey tea, coffee, Miss Pickett makes a mean cup of tea. No, she's awful, by the way. She's the worst. Why do you hire her? Well, I disagree with that. I find her to be a warm woman. Yeah, you would. Nevermind then. You know, my son. Yeah.

Shane? Yeah? He speaks very poorly of you. What? That's a good thing. He's an idiot. Oh, okay. Well, I'm disappointed in both of you, frankly. Well, I don't care. Okay. That's not going to keep me up at night. You know, you've got quite a reputation in this town, Kelsey Grammer. Oh, thank you. You know everyone, and everyone knows you. But they don't know everything about you, do they? I mean, I don't think anybody would know everything about everybody. That wouldn't make sense. And, you know, I'm a private lady. I don't have...

You know, I spend most of my time teaching. Okay. What can you tell me about Tony Collette? Oh, I mean, he's not a great bowler, but neither am I. So who am I to judge? And, you know, I don't think I would have been friends with him normally, but we're part of the same bowling team. And at the end of the day, I think he's got a good heart. He's angry a lot, but I think he's okay. And his bowling team of his, how did you come to join him?

I mean, you know this. Everybody's heard about my encyclopedia. So I was just working on my encyclopedia. I got to be bowling. I never actually played bowling. I'd seen it here or there, but I thought I should actually try it. And when I went, there was only one spot remaining on team, and I joined. And since then, I've really enjoyed it. So I've kept it, even though I already finished the excerpt about bowling. But yeah, still worth playing. So what are you working on now? Well, actually... Bolshevism? No. Oh, I've done that. You've done Bolshevism? Oh, yeah. I wrote about it. You can read my encyclopedia. Interesting. What are your thoughts on Bolshevism? Oh.

You know what? It wasn't the most exciting word. I don't think I wrote too much on it. Actually, I am a little embarrassed because I've written so many different things about so many different words, and I don't know too much about it. But I think I wrote... I don't know. You have to check it out. Okay. Well, we'll look into that. The last thing I wrote was... Actually, I'm about to go on to C finally. I just finished Byzantine, which is nice. Byzantine. Interesting. Okay. Well, I'm very happy for you. Now, you've been working on a lot of B words. Uh-huh. What can you tell me about bookmaking? Well...

It's a process of making books. Not that kind of bookmaking. Okay. The other kind of bookmaking. What kind of bookmaking? I don't know what you're talking about. As in betting. I've never heard of bookmaking. I don't know what betting is. What's betting? Sports. Betting what? What's betting? Underground sports gambling. What can you tell me about that? When you play underground, I don't know what you're talking about, sir. You know what? You know what? Can I take a picture of you? Can you take a picture of me? Yeah. Yeah. Because you know what? I'm finishing up my encyclopedia and there's a word bully and I would love a picture of you right next to it. That's why I think I have nothing more to say. He's got a big filing cabinet next to him.

and he pulls open a file and he roots through it and he pulls out a ledger, just like a big thick ledger. See, underground sports betting has become something of a nuisance here in Peachyville as of late. I would

I wouldn't know anything about that. Well, I got this off a punk kid running numbers for the Anderson gang. It's a book of names and numbers. And it says here, and he flips through the pages, it says right here, K Grammar, Miss Grammar. That's your name. And this specifically, everyone else. I'm Kelsey. Everyone else has a middle name, but this K Grammar, there's no middle name. Oh. And so it looks like you owe some pretty big bucks to some pretty rough customers, Miss Grammar. Okay. Yeah.

I will not say anything more without my lawyer and that has nothing to do with anything that's happened tonight. All right, Teach, here's what I think. I think Tony Collette or whatever his real name is got wind of your gambling debts. What? And I think he used them as compromise. He pressured you into joining his little Bolshevik bowling team to one end. I'm not sure. Maybe he just wants you. Nobody knows.

Nobody knows except for the people that are... Nobody knows except your handler, right? Nobody knows except the person who brought you in on this ring. Now, maybe he wants to... I wasn't on a ring. I was just boxing. You were just boxing? I bet on myself. I always bet on myself. This has nothing to do with it. Tony doesn't know. Don't tell Tony. Don't tell any of the guttural scream. They'll be really disappointed in me. I don't want to, but I need you to cooperate with me. Now, maybe Tony, maybe he just wants you to indoctrinate our youth. Maybe he wants an inside woman on the PTA, or maybe he just likes a mold. Frankly, I don't care. Have you ever talked to Tony? The only thing

he cares about is selling cars that's all he's ever talked to us about frankly that's probably the reason i'm not that close to him he just talks about cars all the time and how much he doesn't like you know certain people i really wish i could believe you know you're very a for acting right i've got to commend you i didn't i mean i if you can tell i'm not in the theater anymore i wasn't good at it and i don't learn any more grammar we could go all night with this but i doubt that

What does that mean? Nothing. I've talked to your wife. What? Excuse me? Nothing. You know, we have an unhappy marriage. Sorry, sometimes. We have an unhappy marriage and I have an unhappy son. The only thing I live for is busting commies, which is where you come in. And so he pulls out and slides across the table this piece of paper. It's a confession. It's got your name at the bottom of it. It's all typed up.

And it's basically this huge pack of lies. It sells Tony Collette down the river. It says that he pressured you into joining a communist spy ring along with Trudy and Britannica. Francis and Kimono Juan's names are noticeably absent from this document. It says that the howl of howls trophy world and the late officer Jenkins caught wind of your scheme, which is why they had to die. And it names Tony as the person who murdered them. I mean, what you just wrote a big old, this is what I think happened tonight. Okay. This is what I think has been going on. Oh, do you want me to tell you if you're right?

All I need you to do is confirm this story and you're free to go. This little confession stays sealed at FBI headquarters and you go back to your sweet little life with his dark little secrets. Sir, none of this is true. You know, I don't know what you think. I've done boxing and look, I'm not proud of it. Look, I like boxing and it's only been my money. That's why I haven't paid it back. So like, if you're going to arrest me for, for boxing, that's okay. Just don't let the kids know because I love teaching. But this is, there's nothing. Kelsey.

This is true. It's okay. This is true. It's okay, Kelsey. All I need you to do is sign this piece of paper and all this goes away. And if you'd rather not sign, that's okay too. I'm not going to sign. Though I would shudder to think what would happen if someone were to let slip to the PTA that the town's favorite teacher has been boxing in underground gambling matches and owes money deep

So if you don't want that to happen, I would consider your options. And he slams this pen down on the piece of paper right in front of you. I don't want that to happen. But if that's what's going to happen, then I guess that's the consequences of my action. And, you know, that's fitting because I'm about to start writing C. So I guess...

I guess the X or four consequences will be really good, but everything here is not true. So I take the pen and I break it in half and I say, I hope you have another one of those. I'm not signing what is not a true thing. And if you want to take me down for gambling or whatever it is, that's fine. You know, it is what it is. And you know what? I'm not in the back. No, I am a bad guy. I shouldn't have been doing that, but I'm not in the back. I wanted to go after the people who are, who are coming after me for money and the PTA. You can tell the PTA whatever you want. I haven't done anything with their money. In fact, I'm just trying to get a projector system for them. So you know what?

No, I have nothing more to say until we get a lawyer. Okay. Think it over.

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That's 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O.com, promo code daddies. Kelsey emerges, tears streaming down her face from the interrogation room. Whoa, whoa, what the hell? Thank you for your cooperation, Ms. Grammer. No, I didn't cooperate. Guys, I just wanted to tell you right now. Ms. Trout, you're up next. Let's go. Okay. Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, look at me. Let's go, Mrs. Trout. We're a team, and I've been a bad person. I'm sorry.

My, my, it's bright in here. If you wouldn't mind turning down the light a shade. I'm sorry, that's just the way that the light works, Mrs. Trout. Oh, I know all about how light works because of the sun. Okay.

Can I get you anything? Tea? Coffee? Mrs. Pickett makes a mean cup of joe? Uh, joe. Yes, coffee. Yes! And then I'll stay up all night long. Tucker hates when I do that. He says I need to recharge. And be renewed. Big Shane presses a button on the intercom and says, can we get a cup of coffee in here, Mrs. Pickett? And you're like, oh yeah, you betcha, I'll be right in with that here. Mrs. Trout.

How does a sweet little homemaker like you get tangled up with a character like Toni Collette?

Oh, well, first I saw a little sheet of paper that said bowlers wanted. And I thought, hmm, maybe I could be a bowler. So I called the number on the piece of paper. And then we were, we were, we were, um, we, we, we, we, we were, um, yes, we were bonded together over a ball, over a bowling ball. We're a bowling team, you see. You know...

You remind me of my wife. Lonely, depressed, unsatisfied. I did, oh. She drinks her problems away, but you're a bowler. How does that happen? What draws a woman like you to bowling? Hmm, well, the pins. I like watching them fall over. It's like my problems falling into place and I can see a straight path ahead.

where they're all being knocked over one by one, maybe in one fell swoop. And maybe if I make a mistake, I get to try again. That's beautiful. You have a beautiful mind. Miss Trout, here's what I think happened. I think one day, a lonely little housewife meets a dashing used car salesman. He's sensitive, a little mysterious, but he's kind. Everything her husband's not, he invites her to join his bowling team. And the

And the lonely little missus says, what's the harm? But before they even get to frame five, he's whispering the communist manifesto in her ear. And she realizes she's made a horrible, horrible mistake. But she's in too deep now. She can't tell her husband. He'd be furious. She can't tell her friends. She doesn't have any. And so she gets drawn deeper and deeper into his topsy-turvy world. And she's desperate for a way out. Well, here it is, Mrs. Trout. Your way out. Well, I'll just ask you, sir. What

What would the Communist Manifesto sound like? How would I know if I were hearing it? It's a book written by Karl Marx. And how would you know that if you weren't a communist? Well, you know, I have to research these things in my job as a law enforcement officer. And, you know, it weighs heavily on my mind. Friedrich Nietzsche says that battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster. And that's, well, you know, someone has to...

Watch out. Someone has to watch out for the Reds. And that's what I'm doing. And that's what I'm doing right now. And you're in a lot of trouble, Missy. And he slides this piece of paper over, but I can get you out of it. Okay. And he shows you a typed confession with your name on it. Francis and Kamon Juan's names are noticeably absent from this document. It's basically a complete pack of lies.

All I need from you, Ms. Trout, is to confirm this story and you're free to go. This confession goes into a sealed file at FBI headquarters and you go back to your sweet, lonely little life. Now, how does that sound? My sweet and lonely little life? Well, it is awful lonely. I'm not sure I want to go back. I feel renewed with my bowling team. I feel like a woman. I feel like I've never felt in my entire life. And the fact that you would just box me up and put me back...

"'I don't think I would like that very much. "'But I know that Tucker would sure be disappointed.'

Oh my, what a conundrum. And of course I might miss my 2.5 beautiful children as well if I were in jail, in prison, in the lockup, down the river. You know that husband of yours, speaking of Tucker, he's an interesting fellow. Yes, I love hearing him talk. I could hear him talk for hours. I don't suppose it would interest you to know that we have a file on Tucker here at

You do? Would that interest you to know about that? Oh, I suppose. I'd always love to know more about Tucker. He opens this huge filing cabinet and rifles through it and pulls out this thick file and it says Tucker Trout on it.

Seems your husband has been making some unusual trips every Tuesday from 12 o'clock to 2 o'clock p.m. That's right when you have bowling practice, isn't it? Yes, of course. Well, we have some photos right here. I think you'd be very interested to see. I know for my spouse, I'd want to see them. And they're, of course, yours to look at. Okay. If you sign this document. Oh, darn it. Oh, no.

It is so tempting to want to look at the photos, but I just couldn't possibly tell this horrendous lie. Oh, Tucker. Tucker will be so disappointed if I don't come home. In fact, I feel compelled to go home to Tucker. I feel like I don't know what I'll do if I don't go home to Tucker. Tucker doesn't have to know about anything that happened tonight if you sign this document. But here's the thing. Tucker...

Tucker knows everything. He is so smart. He's just the sharpest knife in the drawer. And I have many knives because I cut many things. All food related, of course. But the thing is, just don't feel right signing it.

So he holds up the file with these photos in it and he puts a lighter up to it. Oh my goodness. Last chance. You know, you know, and I know that your husband is hiding things from you. You know that deep down it's driving you crazy. You know that you want to know. Kelsey, they're not your friends. My name is Trudy. Trudy, I'm sorry. Kelsey was on my mind because Kelsey was just in here sending you down the river. You...

And Tony and the whole lot, she sang like a bird. So did Kamon Juan. So is Tony when he's going to come in here. I don't believe that. You have one chance. We're a bowling team. You're a good American housewife. And I want to protect you. I'm the only one in this situation who wants to protect you. So please sign the paper. Learn what's happening with your husband and fix your family, Trudy. It's falling apart. And you know that it is. No, my family. Perfect family. We have a white picket fence and a dog named Doodles.

And he is the best dog. My family is completely, perfectly fine. And I don't want to know anything else about anything. I'm fine. I'm fine. Think it over.

Trudy, what happened in there? Trudy emerges harried and shaken with a rictus smile plastered on her face. Thank you for your cooperation, Miss Trout. That was not... I'm just the same person that I always was. Okay. Trudy, you didn't sign anything, did you? Mr. Collette! Excuse me, we're talking. I want to get a read of both...

both Kelsey and Trudy. Like, is there anything from their body language, them coming back, any like clues I can pick up? Because what I want to do is not do this interrogation. So I want to get a sense of like, is there any, any moves that I can do? Is there any weaknesses in the defense? Give me a, what would that be? What looks good on your skill sheet, Freddie? This feels like a... Psychology? Yeah, I'll do psychology. Okay, give me a psychology roll. All right.

52 out of 50. I barely fail. Ooh, I'll burn two luck. Okay. What does he clock on the two of you as he's looking at you? That you were a bully.

And you could tell that Kelsey definitely admitted to something that was bad or she thinks is bad, but she is strong and would never betray the guttural scream. Okay. And I didn't say anything. That's what I'm saying. I didn't say anything. Trudy, you didn't say anything, right? I look over at Trudy. You can tell that Trudy is having second thoughts about everything that she said in that room. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

All right. Trudy, hon, what? No, did you? You know it's like Kimono won and got to leave, right? Yeah, she sold us out. She got a lawyer. She's awful. All right, okay. Francis' mom sucks. Mr. Collette. Walk with me. Trudy. What did you do? I didn't do shit.

Sergeant Silva, I got a bone to pick with you. All right, Colette, have at it. What the hell, man? You've manhandled these ladies. What will their husbands think? What will their husbands think about what you've been doing, Mr. Colette? I'm ready to bust this case wide open, mister. I don't give a shit what their husbands think. All of a sudden, there's a knock at the door and Shane's like, what? And Penny picket.

Peeks her head in. She says, oh, Mr. Silva, it's Sergeant Silva. Sergeant Silva, there's a big call from Washington on line one for you. You want me to patch that through to your office? Won't give his name, but he says it's real urgent. Send it through to my office. I'll be right there. Penny, you wait. Penny, you don't talk. Where's the food? Penny, you said you'd bring food. Penny, what the hell? Shane gets up and leaves the room. And then Penny glances over her shoulder, shuts the door, and sits down right in front of you. And she says, dobreve share, comrade.

Oh, what the fuck? Yes. Yes. Yes. You got it. What the fuck? Yeah.

And then she hands you this locket and like opens it. And there's like a picture of her daughter in there. Like she's got like a little babushka on like this adorable version. I have daughter back home in Russia. I just want to live to see her again. I must escape peach evil before this whole town is destroyed. And right as she's saying that, the door swings back open. And she's like, and so that's you wanted one coffee, right, dear? You wanted a coffee? Two coffees. Okay. Yeah, you betcha. Hot. She kind of like goes back behind Sylvan. Like she's looking at you with these desperate eyes as she closes the door.

Shane sees none of this. Okay. All right, Mr. Collette. Why don't we start at the top? Yes. State your name for the record, please. Antonio Colletta. No, no, no, no. Your real name. Antonio Colletta.

It's going to be like that then, okay? Well, no, this is my name. They call me Tony. It's Italian, right? Yeah, it's goddamn right. It's Italian. I'm proud of it. Okay, well. Not like the other Italians. Yeah, that's right. Tony Collette is a self-hating Italian. Mr. Collette. Yes? Do you have a cigarette? You see these files here? Cigarette. I do. I want smoking. I want smoke.

Hit me up. Smoke your own. Fine. Give me a lighter. I won't. I'm not giving you anything. I'm here. I'm here to ask the question, sir. I'm not asking a question. I'm just saying, like, give me a lighter. Light this up. I want some nicotine. I'm an Italian, as they call it. You know what? A nicotine.

You know, back in the motherland, we call this a nicotine. He lights your cigarette while rubbing his temples like Jesus fucking Christ. And I puff at it most daintily, my friend. Mr. Collette, you see these files right here? I see the files. I've got a file on every person in this town. Jesus Christ, man, is that legal? Meticulous record keeping is something that they drill into you at the bureau, and that's just a little hobby of mine. Nerd.

Fucking nerd. Oh, we had names from pencil necks like you in the sports. Here's my file on Tony Collette. He pulls out this file. How thick is it, dog? It is empty. It's completely empty. And he slams it down on the table. I can't find...

For as much looking as I do, I can't find a single solitary piece of information about you, Tony Collette. No prior address, no medical records, no war service files, nothing. Check the IRS. I check the IRS. I pay my taxes. You're telling me I've been paying my taxes and they don't have any record of it? Goddamn, man, what have I been doing? It's like you just popped into existence one day in this town. How do you explain that?

Your record keeping sucks and we had a world war. Jesus Christ, man. Do I need to do your job for you? Here's how I explain it. I think Toni Collette is a fabrication, a cipher, a ghost.

Your real name is probably scribbled down in some file in the Kremlin. Let me guess. Ivan. What? Boris. No. Dimitri. None of these are Italian names. I've got no deal to cut with you, Panko. Your comrades have already given you up. Trudy. I highly doubt that you fucking knew me. They sang like canaries. They told me the whole story. They sing all they want. I bowed next to those women. And those women that didn't say shit because they have nothing to say. Look, pal. The only thing that's going to save you from the gas chamber is if you give me a name.

a handler, a higher up, somebody in the organization, your boss. I need somebody. I need blood on the table and you're going to give it to me or you're going to fry you little pink Okami bastard. I'm going to laugh. This is what Tony Claude is thinking. If he's walking in here and they have anything on him, they would hit him with it.

The fact that he's like, you know, telling him to like sell people further up. It's like Tony Collette recognizes a Gish Gallop when he sees it. It's like, I don't think they have anything on this guy. They're kind of desperate. They're fishing. They're fishing for information. So I want to roll to see what that would be. I'll give it to you as a no roll.

Okay. Like a street smart kind of. So edgy. Yeah. Education. No role. Tony Collette School of Hard Knocks. Give me a no role. I need to be the 60 and I got 23. Okay. So yes, you feel like he's bluffing you. Okay. And that he doesn't have as much. He's overplaying his hand. I'll give you a name. Sure. Charlie Baron with peanuts and popcorn.

How about Fuzzy Pots with my little sweetheart Daisy? Oh, maybe it's Frankie Saluto and his long-eared friend. Emmett Kelly as Weary Willie. You can go punch rocks. I got nothing for you. You're a tough nut to crack, Mr. Collette, or whatever your real name is. That's the real 60s. Mark my words. I'm going to find out what your deal is, Tony. Yes, the deals I post every... No one is as clean as you are, Mr. Collette. No.

one is able to just walk around with no paperwork nothing i smell a rat and i know a rat when i see one and you're a rat and i'm gonna set a rat trap for you and i'm gonna crush you like a rat you little rat well you better put some motherfucking good cheese in that because i'm used to the good sardinian shit get the fuck out of my interrogation room the only deal that you have about me you can read about the sunday paper in the advertising section get the fuck out of my room oh gladly where's my coffee god damn it

People you have working for you are fucking terrible. Tony comes out ranting and raving. Where's the fucking coffee? God damn it. I never got my coffee either. I didn't even ask. Can I still get coffee? Shane comes out. He looks like he's just gone 20 rounds in there and he loosens his tie and rubs his head and says, I got to give it to you.

You're a tougher nut to crack than I thought you'd be. Yeah, we're Goddard O'Screen. Okay. We're a bowling team. We're friends. You know, I tried. I tried to help you all out. You did? Wait, sir. I gave you a chance. This is my room. Can you please leave? He just looks at you. He picks up the phone. He says, Operator, give me the Peachyville Gazette.

I've got a story for you, Dean. Hey, Dean, what's up? I've got four names of card-carrying members of the Communist Party for you to print in tomorrow's early edition. Where's my card? Search me. And I've got a story about someone who's been gambling, and you'll never guess who it is. It's me. That's clickbait. That's clickbait. It's me. It's me.

I'm sorry, BB. I'm sorry, BB. And I've got one more headline for you. Four arrested in the murder of Officer Biff Jenkins. His name was Biff? He hangs up the phone. You're all going to fry for this. Mark my words. And you're going to rot in that jail cell. Well, which is it? Rot or fry? Loser. Until it comes time for your trial. As he's saying this, the lights in the room begin to flicker. Oh, no. And you guys look around.

And you see in the corner a man standing there.

You'd see him enter, but he's just this weird guy. And he's just standing in the corner. Is his face scary? Can I roll to see if his face is scary? Sure, go ahead. Wait, will my roll decide if his face is scary? Or am I just seeing his face? What does this mean? A preordained scary face that we're only stumbling upon for the first time. Yeah, I passed. Okay, so you get a good look at this guy as he's walking towards you. He's like,

He's got this immaculate black and white suit on. It's like an older style. It seems like it's from like the 1920s or 30s, but it looks brand new. He's a little on the short side. His face is like sunburned, like is the best way you can do it. Like it's just got like little bits of peeling and it's just kind of sunburned. He has these bulging eyes and he just starts walking forward. He's wearing these thick soled shoes. And like, you know, it sounds like that your feet make in a shoe when like you've been in water and they're like, it's squishes. He's got like squishy feet.

So like he's just squishing as he walks towards you. Does he look familiar? You've never seen this guy before in your life. And Shane looks at me and says, who the hell are you? And the guy looks at him and says, my name is Relish Wett. I'm from the powers that be. I have a message from you.

The ones who watch. Well, there's their communist, sir. Look. This looks like a communist right there. My God. Unload your weapon into him. Unload your service pistol. Shut up. What are you from Langley, pal? What do you want? And he walks up to him and he leans into Shane's ear and he starts to whisper something.

and Shane, all of the bluster and bravado, the color just drains out of his face. Does he lose 40% of his blood? He looks like he lost 39% of his blood. He's fucking terrified. Give me another spot hidden roll, everybody. Okay, I'm going to do that.

50 and I rolled a 25. 22. I barely passed. Okay, great. Anthony, you can't hear this because you're not here. Yeah, I know. Anthony, how are you having a good record session so far, baby? Yeah, I've just been looking at Twitter. Some pretty funny tweets on there, guys. Any good tweets on there, my man? Francis. Francis. Francis is on his phone looking at, I guess, the classifieds? Freak, I failed, but I really want to

to hear it. No, Beth. Get out of here, Beth. Get the fuck out of here, Beth. You can't get a listen to this. We'll call you back in, Beth. Oh, no, she's actually coming. Get out of here, Beth. Go talk to those microphones in the interrogation room. All right, now that the real spot hidden homies are here. I don't know what happened. I'm listening here. I didn't leave. Get out of here, Anthony. Get out of here, Anthony. Make me. He's not listening, though. He's on Twitter. His lips aren't moving. Who? This guy. Oh. You could have sworn he was whispering to him. He just has his mouth open.

And just, he's just like almost like a little, like it's like he's breathing into his ear. Wow. And Shane is just, you've never seen a man more scared in your life. Wow.

life. Beth, you can come back in. Wait, wait, wait, Beth, Matt. Ooh, just a pulse-pounding atmosphere. Wait, wait, wait, no, no, no, Matt, I want to talk about it with you. No, it's a secret thing, but we got to do it in character. No, I know, but I want to talk to you because we have a secret now that Beth doesn't know. Beth, leave. No, no, no, Beth, here, be in character, though. I left once. I'm not leaving again. Wow, Beth. My God. Tony, did you see that? I did see that. Every bit of it. Truly incredible. What?

What did it look like? Trudy, did you see that? Trudy, did you see that shit? Sure, yes, I saw it. Trudy, if you didn't, if you didn't, if you didn't tell Trudy, we'll tell you what we saw. Okay, that was really scary, right? That was so scary. So Shane, because it turns to Kelsey, is like, right? That was crazy. Trudy, that was crazy, right? Trudy, isn't it crazy? And Shane turns to all of you. And you know why it's crazy, right, Trudy? Yes.

Shane turns to all of you and opens his mouth and says, and right then, we rewind all the way back to the beginning of the night. Not the beginning of the night. We rewind all the way back to the beginning of the episode, but we fly across Beachyville and into and under the bed of Kelsey Grammer. What? Where one Francis Farnsworth is currently hiding.

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I give you complete control over a piece of lore. You can describe however you want what the underneath of Kelsey's bed looks like. What a treat for you. Why do you describe what you see out there? I won't say no. You can say anything you want. Is it clean? Is it dirty? What's happening in there? She's got live

Francis finds a bunch of other encyclopedias that she's been plagiarizing from. Oh my God! What? Oh my God! This is the biggest, holy shit, I prepped it. This is the fucking biggest twist of the episode? Kelsey feels something under her bed. She's like, everything's coming out tonight. Francis.

Francis is hiding under this bed amidst the ill-gotten plagiarized encyclopedias. What a fucking headshot to my character. That was fucking good. I gotta go with that. Without missing a beat. Without missing a beat. Jesus. The best in the biz, folks. Best in the biz. Come at the king you best not miss. So once again, you hear this pounding on the door.

And you hear someone saying, open up, Kelsey, or we're opening it up. I think Francis's smartest move is just going to be stay quiet and hide amongst the encyclopedias. Okay, great. I've got to admit, these guys aren't interested in knowledge.

Okay, so you hear splintering wood as a big, meaty foot kicks this door down outside in the hallway. Oh, but that's like a 50s door. Yeah. It's a 50s foot. Yeah, 50s foot, dude. It was the back house. Feet were built different back then. Feet were built different, baby. Oh, they were? Oh, they were. Oh, man.

You hear two sets of footsteps. Mid-Journey, 1950s, feet, bear, bear, photo reel, 1950s, 1950s, medium format, Fuji film, 1950s, feet,

Total realistic. Epic. Trending on Art Station. 1950s feet. Close up. 1950s feet. 1950s cakes. Feet. Close up. Trending on Art Station. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. I'm going to be set for fucking months here, boys. Oh, fuck. Someone's going to actually put that in Art Station and post it.

So yeah, we're in this really scary scene and this guy kicks the door down you hear two sets of big sexy 1950s stomping around in the room next door

now? Am I hearing it? You hear these kind of two voices, the big burly voice you heard before says, all right, Sven, cover the door while I look around. Like John McClane, I take out a pen and write on my inside forearm, Sven. Then you hear Sven say, you got it, Thor, I'll stand here by the door and keep a lookout for Mrs. Grammar. All right, T, parentheses, H, what's your name? O-R. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

You hear Tor rooting around, tossing shit over. It looks like she's not here. Damn. At least that fucking kid Milton finally left. We can finally root around this place. Well, I'll tell you what. I guess we'll just wait right here until she gets home, and then we'll beat the shit out of her and get her money. Hey, what's this? You kind of hear him towards where that closet was with all of the money on the ground. Says, whoa, whoa, whoa. Sven, check this out. What do we got here? What is it, Tor? Is it something interesting over there?

I'll say it looks like a big pile of small bills on the ground. And he kneels down and starts rooting through them and spends like, wow, is it enough money for all of the gambling debts she owes us, Tor? And Tor's like, not hardly. This barely covers the interest. But what's she doing with all this dough? This is a nice little pile. Oh, here we go.

And Tor picks up. Again, you just hear him. You can't see him unless you're still under the bed, right? Tor is flipping through. It looks like she's planning on buying a film strip projector for the local kids at the school. What a nice person. Looks like she's been scrimping and saving. That's a good teacher right there. Yeah.

Everybody loves Kelsey. That's a good teacher. It's a shame those kids aren't going to get to watch informative health newsreels and the like and learn from the film strip technology that Miss Kelsey Grammer has been scrimping and saving and boxing the night away to save up because we'll have to just root up all this money and take it and crush her poor little dreams. And so then he just starts stuffing this. Yeah. Francis is just like, yep. Fuck her. I'm 12. I'm 12. I don't want to fight two grown men. I don't care that much.

I can go see the pictures on the weekend. I'm not dumb. I know how many hit points I have. You hear Taurus stuffing this money in his pocket. He says, all right, I guess we'll just wait here. And the second she gets in that door, Sven, you and I are going to tune her up for the rest of this money. We'll get it from her one way or another. And if not, we'll teach her a lesson no one in this town is likely to forget. In my mind, I think. I've been...

been hiding from bullies for quite a long time, so if anybody's going to outlast these guys, it's me. I'll stay here, not taking action for as long as it takes until they decide to leave. So, Francis, as you're a coward under this bed with your... I don't know if coward's the word I would use. As you're hiding under this bed, hearing these two guys plot brutally assaulting your favorite teacher in all of Peachyville, you have a flashback. I forgot.

You're sitting on your bed. It's about a year or two ago. Ah, back when I was on the other side of this. I prefer the top of the bed.

You're holding the note in your hands from the army rejecting you for service. Hurst my damn joints. And your father, Ed Farnsworth, World War II hero, is consoling you on the bed. Not on the bed. He's patting you on the shoulder. What are you feeling in this moment? Bethany. What was going on? Bethany. I didn't do shit. Why can a father not marry his son? You.

What did Francis feel in the moment? Just endless shame. He thought that there was something wrong with him and that he will never be able to live up to the figure of his father. So Ed kind of puts his hand on your shoulder and he says, look, Francis, I know that this is really heartbreaking for you. I know it's a really tough time for you right now with this. And I'm so sorry, kid. Did I ever tell you the story of when you were born? No. He says through tears.

I know a thing or two about setbacks in life. Before the war, as we've canonically established, I was a ballet dancer. I had the lithe grace of Grace Kelly and the feet of Fred Astaire. Feet.

Feed, huh? The 1930s feed. And if you think feed are great now... Wait, wait, wait. Can we call this episode The Agony of Defeat? I thought I was going to be a movie star. I thought all this great stuff was going to happen for me. And then I got called for service. I got drafted. And, you know, I took this bullet in the leg in the war. That ended everything. I came back early for the GI Bill. I had no prospects. I had no career to fall back on. Your mom was pregnant with you. And I knew I had to do something to provide for my family.

And I couldn't find a job. I couldn't find work. The only place I could get a job was at a soda jerk shop. And I tell you, kid, everything I faced in that war, jumping out of planes, crawling through ditches, fighting the Nazis, it was all scary, but I was never as scared as I was that first day I had to put on that uniform, that candy stripe uniform, go to work with a bunch of kids half my age. I

I felt ashamed of myself. I used to be somebody. I used to have this big career. But now I realized I had to just dig down deep and do something I didn't want to do. And I remember looking at myself in the mirror and your wife, your mom came up to me. My wife! So funny. I trademarked that. Someday, I hope that you can understand that being a hero is...

being a man, all that stuff. It's not about the battles you fight. It's about how you fight them. It's about how you face them. It's about getting up and doing what's right for the right reasons, no matter the cost, no matter the outcome. You know, and that was something I learned that day when I picked up that ice cream scoop and I got to work and I rebuilt my whole life and it was scary and it was hard, but it's the proudest thing I've ever done is,

Take life by the horns. Move out here to Peachyville. Raise you. I know it's no Silver Star, and you're starting tomorrow at the jerk shop, and I just wanted you to have this. And he hands you his ice cream scoop. And you flash back to this moment where you're cowered under the bed, thinking about your dad and how he said he'd always be proud of you if you would ever just stand up and do the right thing, no matter the cost. And that's what true courage was. This is my moment! And he falls asleep. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Okay, well, that's Anthony's side of the story. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You speak with a nasally sound. Oh, yeah. Do you snore? Yes, you do. How do you snore, motherfucker? You fucking destroyed my character. We kill yours. Roll if you snore. I'll roll luck. What's your luck score? 85. Hmm.

I got an 84. Oh, motherfucker. Silent sleeper. Oh, wait, no, that's good. So you're saying- I barely beat it. Okay, you barely beat it. All right. I think he should roll-

I know, I want to make it fucking... I think you should roll lesser luck. Does this feel like a constitution roll to you guys? I mean, if you roll luck... Oh, I guess luck would make sense. If you roll luck... Just because we didn't get what we wanted. I'm also the one who decided he went to sleep. Like, yeah, that's the truth. Anthony, look deep in your soul and then look deep in my eyes and tell me... I'm not doing that. Tell me...

If Francis is a snorer when he sleeps, you know this character better than anybody. If you look me in the eye and tell me that he doesn't snore, this nerdy little doofus, then, you know, that's on you. Francis's entire life has been about hiding from ridicule from people who would jump on any opportunity to ridicule him. So I think when he was younger and he was out on a camping trip, he snored really loudly for the first time. And as a result, all of his campmates did a full metal jacket on him and just beat him with soap.

God. The next time he fell asleep. 50s. And they beat the snoring out of him. I think he just doesn't snore anymore because he's so anxious of the idea of making anybody uncomfortable even while he's unconscious. But Anthony. No, Beth. Anthony. What? Does Francis dream?

Okay. Is his mind beset by nightmares? Oh yeah, constantly. Does he cry out in his sleep like a babe for his mother? No. Well, that's fantastic. Francis falls asleep and dreams dreams of shame and regret underneath Kelsey's bed. And we flash. I love that Dave Matthews album, dog. He dreams like a really weird, like he's like dressed as a soldier behind the soda jerk and his dad is a kid coming to ask for an ice cream. Yeah, Anthony. And he starts kissing and he's like, what? Give me the weird fucked up dream, Anthony. I don't think I can.

control over the dream. If you want to give me something fucked up and I can react to it. I just did it. Okay, so yeah. So my dad comes in asking for a soda and I go to get him some ice cream but instead I'm holding the trophy and I'm seeing my reflection in it and I'm seeing BB like disintegrate in the reflection of the trophy like I couldn't save her somehow because we gave up the wrong trophy and like I knew that was the wrong thing to do. Whoa.

And then I hand my dad the trophy full of ice cream. And when I try to hand it to him, he's my mom. And my mom is holding the severed head of the cop that she killed in one hand and a shotgun in the other. And she goes, you should have done this. You should have done this. And she hands me the shotgun. And I start to point it towards my head. And she goes, no, that's not what I meant. You should be killing people. And I go, okay, cool. And then I kicked open the door.

of the soda jerk shop and there are just like commies everywhere and I go, I'm gonna make you proud, dad. And I start mowing commies down and I'm so fucking good looking and I take it over and I make it the greatest power fantasy dream that has ever existed and I feel like so fucking cool and awesome and I realize I'm not wearing any clothes. We need another role to see if you wake up screaming or not.

Do you want me to make it a nightmare then? Oh, because we're saying that it's like a... Do you wake up like fucking singing the Star Spangled Banner? He's actually won the game. He fell asleep and he doesn't snore. Sorry, I'm so much cooler. I'm not role-playing than everybody is. All right, so that's Anthony's dream. You know what? He's on our team. We should support this. We do support this. We do support this. Francis falls asleep. I just want to ring a little bit more. Has a kick-ass dream about mowing down communists and looking good. And we fly back.

All the way back to the present moment. Big Shane looks at all of you with dry, parched lips. He takes a darting, paranoid glance back at Mr. Relish Wet, who's just standing in the corner, nodding now. I think it's time we fucking leave. We can't, we're in a prison zone. He looks at all of you and says, you're free to go. Oh, good. Very well. Let's get the fuck out of here. Wow. Yes. Oh, is that our lawyer? Milton, Mr. Brock? No.

I'm a lawyer. Wow, Milton. Good job, Milton. Yes. Okay. You're free to go. And if anyone asks, Officer Jenkins was... He was killed in a hunting accident. Oh. And his hands are trembling as he opens this door and just rattles the cage open and says, okay, you can go. You can go now. Okay. So what do you do? We just get out of there. Okay. So yeah, you all walk by. Shane...

You see him go over to like the sort of police dispatch radio. He says, this is Sergeant Shane Silva. Cancel the APB on Francis Farnsworth. Bebe is thoroughly unnerved. She looks up at Shane and kind of like flips him off a little bit and then walks away. So we're at a police station though, right? We'd be going through the front of the office. Like, are the cops here? Is this an empty place? Like, what are we seeing? This is the late, he's the night officer. So he and Penny are basically the only ones here right now. As we're walking out, can I like cast about the police office? Like looking at people's desks. The maximum extent I can snoop

in this police office. I want a snoop. I want to look for open files. I want to look for boards with like strings attached. What are they working on? Okay, are you doing this in the open? Like Shane is still there. Shane and Penny are both here. By the way, Penny is staring at you, Freddie. Yeah.

Because we saw Mothman and we saw there seems to be weird shit going on. I feel like Tony Collette's getting his sixth sense. Okay. He's hearing about commies and stuff. Tony needs to get a little state of play. He needs to get some fucking elevation on the situation. Give me a stealth roll first. All right. 36, not stealthy. So I want to just look around in the open. Okay. So Shane's like, don't push it, pal. Don't push me tonight. I'm just looking. I'm using my eyes. Wait. Okay. Well, one second, sir. You brought us in here for murder.

And then you're free to go. Okay, sure. If you have any other questions, ask that man over there. And you see Mr. Wett just like staring at all of you and smiling and nodding up and down. Remember, we should go talk to Mr. Wett. I really want to know how that thing that he did, he did that. It's true. Wow, you're right. It's such a crazy thing that we saw. I don't know if I want to talk to Mr. Wett. You want to know how he did that?

I mean, I suppose it would be interesting. Okay, we all walk up. No, not we all. Tony Collette would like to make a fucking roll to see if it was a smart idea or not to talk to this wet guy. To see if it was a smart idea or not to talk to the wet guy? Yeah. What the fuck? To see if... You can't roll to decide if your idea's good. Hey, I don't do it. What the fuck are you talking about? Kelsey, I think that you...

Kelsey, I think that you should talk to Mr. Webb. Trudy, I think you're the bravest. I think you should ask him how he did the thing that we all saw. Okay, fine.

Okay, mr. Wet walks outside Wait, we're free we can walk outside Please go Shane is like please go just get out. Excuse me, mr. Wet All right, you walk outside there's the cool night air doesn't seem like there's a person on the street and mr What is just standing there under the moody Edward Hopper ass a streetlight says yes, I

Hi, Mr. Wett. We were just, I was just wondering. Yes, my name is Trudy Trout. I know, I know, Trudy. Oh. Is he doing the thing? Is he doing the thing, Trudy? Is he doing the thing? He's not doing the thing. I didn't hear what the thing he did was, so I don't know. Because I went into the other room. Oh, Trudy, why didn't you just tell us? Mr. Wett puts a hand on your shoulder, and he offers you a peppermint. Oh. I wouldn't.

No, that seems like a bad idea. That's a bad idea. I'm not going to take this peppermint. No, but take it. Don't eat it. I'll see you in time. And he closes his hand and the street light above him flickers and then he's gone.

What? What the fuck? Oh my. What the? Jesus, this was even crazier than the first thing. How did that? Give me a fucking 1d3 sanity roll, guys. I've never seen that. Give me a sanity check. Let's see what my sanity is. 34, I survived. 55, and then...

Ooh, 49 on my 50. I succeed as well. We all succeed. So you guys are all wigged out by this, but none of you. We did see a guy burn to death earlier. He had no problems with that. You could have just told us you didn't see it before he was talking, but me and Tony both noticed that when he was talking, his mouth wasn't moving. Yes, it was quite the act.

It was like a ventriloquist. A ventriloquist? Yes. Oh, that is so charming. Bone chilling. But then he just disappeared. That's not what ventriloquists do. That was not, yes. Some manner of magician. Not a lawyer. Where's Milton with your lawyer? I'm right here. I've been here the whole time. Holy shit. Oh, hi, Milton. Hi. That was a weird guy. That wasn't the lawyer? Are you okay?

I know. I've never seen him before in my life. I don't know who that was. He's a pretty good lawyer, though. He's got us all out of there. It's very late. Go home, please. Why don't you come home with me? Why is it an obscene thing to say? We're both going to the same place. It's not weird. It's not the same place. I live in my own home behind your home. He unlatches his tandem bicycle. I rode my tandem bicycle here so I could take you home. Okay, well, I'm with my friends, Milton. Milton, piss off, you little youth.

As Milton is being weird, Trudy, you see Tucker pull up in his car. Oh my goodness, my husband's here. He's going to take us home. I mean, me home. Yes. My bowling team. Oh, Tucker.

The strangest night has just happened to me. Do you get into the car? I do. Okay, so he wordlessly drives off into the night. Oh! We'll deal with you in a second. He's even going to offer us a ride. Looks like you're set. I'll walk. No, I'll walk with you, Tony.

For a bit. Okay, we'll all go together. And then Milton follows behind you on his tandem bike with no one on the backseat. Milton, you're going to need to run a far distant rear guard. Back up like a football field away. Okay, is this far enough? One football field away. I've never played football, Mr. Collette. Kelsey stops and turns around and is like, Milton, just don't be that kid. Milton's eyes go like real wide. Yeah.

I just lock eyes with him. Go home. And I go, Milton, you can measure the length of the football field by the football field we're standing next to. And he looks and there's a football field next to you and he looks at Kelsey glaring at him. You see a ticker rolled on his face and he

And he paddles off into the night. Hey, as a teacher, you got to be tough, but I think the kid knew that. Kelsey, Kelsey. Yeah. I would like to commend you on the way you handled that petulant child. It's a common thing, you know, when you're such a good teacher. Sometimes kids, you know, but Milton's a weird one, especially since, you know, he's my son's brother. You need to beat it out of him. Okay, well, he is my nephew. Yes, he's your ward. Wait, oh, your ward. Yes, well, then you can beat it out of him even better.

Well, I would never beat him. You would never strike a child. No, I never said that. Of course I would strike a child if I needed to, but I would never beat him. Oh, yes. Well, you should strike his weirdness out of him.

I find a good, strong backhand across the face of a child. Dresses and cracks all manner of behavioral defects. Kelty just nods and goes, okay, well, good night, Tony. I bet I could do your job. I'd be a great teacher. After seeing Milton go around the corner so he's no longer like a teen, then I guess she's just going to walk home. That's my stop. Bye, Tony. We jump to a Ford Thunderbird as it's driving back down these dark streets to your house, Trudy.

These streets are so dark. Tucker is just like not saying anything. He's just sitting there staring off at the distance. I can tell that maybe you're upset because I was in jail. He pulls over. Trudy, are you okay? Oh, yes. I feel 100%. I feel swell. You feel swell. Okay, that's good. That's good. But I have questions.

You have questions. I just... What kind of questions? What kind of questions are coming up for you, dear? Well, they asked me so many questions about what I wanted when I was being interrogated and how come I wouldn't just sign a piece of paper to put my friends in jail and walk free. And I just felt, well, honey...

I love you and only you, but sometimes I feel friendly feelings towards other people like I would care about them. And it just seems so outside of our family, our traditional 2.5 children and you and me and our dog.

His name is Doodles. Oh, yes. Yes. Doodles. Of course. It's okay. I had a feeling something like this might happen. And he puts a reassuring hand on your shoulder. Oh, Trudy. Now you can see he's kind of getting a little emotional.

It's just, we're going to have to do some more work and we might have to start over, but it's going to be okay. And he gives you a big hug. Oh, Tucker, I love you. I love you too. And he slides a screwdriver straight into the back of your neck and turns it really tight. I knew it. She's got a knot in her neck. The fear of the broken sky. It's twisted. I can see it's a hole in the stars.

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars. Too far, too far away. But I'll stay.

We are back from our live tour. Thank you to all of you out there who came out to see us. The sheer volume of excellent cosplay content.

fan art, bracelets, tea, the tea cosplay. It was overwhelming. It was very cool to see Beth was psyched to perform music. We hope you had a great time out there. We had a blast and we're looking forward to Europe now after we all get like 20 hours of sleep. European tour tickets though. We're coming later this year. Support season three of Dungeons and Daddies directly at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. You'll also get previous live shows in audio and video form as well as a bunch of standalone one-shot campaigns ranging from prequels,

The horny Star Wars. There's a lot of stuff there. Check it out. You'll also join the likes of supporters like Kira Babiars, Horace, WowWow, Corey Wixom, Sam Matos, Ben Su, John, Jake Gibson, Will Galvez, Joseph D. Andreoni, Tatiana, Magenta Raptor, Peter Lee, Fiona Dowell, Maddie Elizabeth, Leaf Caliber, Alex Bradley, Matthew Helms, and Pinto Gritterson. That Patreon, again, is at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Keep an eye out for stuff around our tour showing up there soon. Multimedia delights for your consumption.

soon. Our website is dungeonsanddads.com where you'll find all of our links as well as our merch store. And our next episode is coming out through July 2nd. We will see you then. Too far, too far. But I'll stay. See you on the start. Swallowing my dreams and making them scars. Too far, too far. But I'll stay.

I was looking at my character sheet and we could write phobias and manias and I wrote anacondas. Anaconda? I don't remember writing this.