S3 Ep. 1 - Strangers on a Lane 01:22:53

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Sounds freaking sweet, Lois.

By the way, for West Coast folks, we've added one show to the Dungeons and Daddies tour. We're going to be playing Los Angeles at the Wiltern on Father's Day, June 16th. Tickets available at DungeonsandDaddies.com. Very exciting. It's a big, famous venue. Hope to see you there. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, season three. Third time, so still not a BDSM podcast. Still not a BDSM podcast. Wait for number four, and we would like to present to you all the Peachyville Horror, a Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America. This season is helmed by none other than

than William Smith. Excuse me? Will Campos. Bill Smith is here. I got into the whole thing. Wait, Will Campos from Dungeons and Daddies? What? Huge game for this podcast. Welcome to the podcast. Will Campos from Dungeons and Daddies. Wow. Okay, so Anthony and Will, have you done your good luck transfer smooch? Yeah, we touched our dicks. Smushed them into each other. Is that what smooching means?

Yeah, that's what smooching means. We docked. We docked a little bit. Oh, docked. Okay, I get that. Well, you smooch first and then you dock. And you got to make lightsaber noises, like when they lock up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like spaceship sounds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My name is Freddie Wong. My name is Freddie Wong. I play, and I know everyone. It's not my wife. Are we going to introduce ourselves even before we introduce the world? Yeah, we're doing our normal.

All right. Okay. I don't know. I'm just... This is so exciting. I just don't know. I'm just... Okay. Yeah, let's go for it. The world has been waiting with bated breath as to what the next Freddie Wong character will be. And I'm pleased to report the smoke is coming out of the smoke snacks. And we can announce... The white smoke. The white smoke has finally appeared as thousands around the world wait for my new character. I would like to introduce...

All of you in this room and you listening at home to the newest Freddie Wong character, Tony Collette. Love it. A fast talking used car salesman with a heart of gold. I'm coming over that as we go.

Throwing out weeks of prep over here to accommodate this new heart of gold this character has. I feel like Freddie planned the intro about his character and then just his winging the... I'm gonna need you to shut the fuck up. This week's peachy fact about Tony Collette. Tony spelled T-O-N-Y, by the way.

Call of Cthulhu, for those of you who are unfamiliar, is a system where you have a lot more specific skills that you can have. And we'll get into the sort of way the system differs from D&D in a second, but I just wanted to point out that when you're making your character sheet, you can add skills that you add points to. Most of the time you start with one, 1% skill. Under theoretical physics and relativity, Tony Collette has a two. Interesting. Because Tony Collette once attended a scientific lecture given

by none other than a Mr. Einstein. Wow.

And he left it being like, I think I understand relativity a little more. And he did, but not much. Space is curved like the beautiful hubcap of a 1957 Chevy. Exactly, exactly. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. And for this wonderful season, this Peachyville season, I am playing Kelsey Grammer. I'm Peachyville's happiest and snappiest schoolmarm. Just kidding. I'm here to help because your kids are the future, and I'm going to be there. Wow.

Wow. There you go. Little fact. You see, I planned that one. I wrote it down. I did my work. Happiest and snappiest. Snappiest. The first Peachyville fact for Kelsey is that, look, she loves to teach. She kind of teaches the group of like kindergarten, first, second, and third grade. She's got a lot of kids under her belt. And her big goal in life, what she's trying to do is that she's not really happy with Encyclopedia Britannica. She finds it very dull and kind of British-centric.

And the world book is frankly just not available at PGVille, despite her desire to get it there. So she's decided to embark on her own encyclopedia that she's writing to make it accessible and fun for children. And right now she is just on the letter B. She's been doing it for about seven years. Wow. So she's got to speed up if she's going to make it before she dies. But she's on B.

The kids know a lot about letters A to B, but you know, it's a good chunk of knowledge. Now has she had to go back into a, to do new developments in a, like, I don't know, atomic energy. The atomic bomb had, uh, she has just like bomb comma atomic. There's been some shortcuts here and there. One reason it takes so long is that she's very hands-on. So like she doesn't write something down unless she's experienced it and done it and learned it herself. So interesting. And that's, yeah. So can't wait till we get the S you know what I mean? Wink, wink. That's it.

That's sex. Oh, she's waiting until she's waiting until she gets myself for ass.

We're all staring at Anthony just daggers. Oh, should it be me? Okay. Well, that's when Will was. You've taken his spot. Okay. I'm Anthony Burch. The party's not even cold yet. Will never used to pause before he went. I'm Anthony Burch, a player for the first time. Yay! My job will be to play a character and wish that Will is not as good as I am. That'll be my full-time job. I am playing Francis Farnsworth.

The most bullied kid in Peachyville. And his Peachyville fact is his favorite root beer float flavor is strawberry because he is a soda jerk. And that's what he recommends is a scoop of strawberry ice cream. And his least favorite is saliva because Shane, the local football player, made him drink a smoothie made out of saliva and ice cream after a nice bullying session after school. You gotta hand to Shane, though. He was saving that up for weeks. Your body makes about six cups of saliva a day. Wow.

So he was really dedicated. You could have just made that work, you know? I'm over here like a mastiff, just salivating at my chance to go. Okay. Hi, my name is Beth May, and I play Trudy Trout, doting wife, homemaker, and mother of 2.5 beautiful children. Fun fact, peachyville fact about Trudy, she makes pancakes perfect every time. Wow.

No dog waffle for her. Nope. Just quick pause because I already fucked up. I already fucked up this whole season. No, Anthony, what grade are you in? I'm 16. I'm in 10th grade. Okay, now you're in high school. Yes. Okay, never mind. We won't do that. I'm your teacher then. Well, never mind. I'm like younger then. No, no, no. I could also be that. I was your teacher at one point. That's actually better. Yeah, sure. I'm like, yeah. You were such a good student. What happened to you? You used to do the bullying. Hello, everyone. My name is Will Campos and I'm your daddy-o master. Could that be?

I don't know. I feel like everyone then responds to you with, hey. Guys, let's sexualize and objectify Will just like we did Anthony. What's up, daddy-o? You look good today. Hey, daddy. Hey, daddy-o, those jeans. Dude, it's all looking tight from head to toe. You're my big papa. Thank you, Matt. Will's rocking his denim. My denim on denim with the Canadian tuxedo. I've always wanted a new dad, and I got one.

My peachy fact today is that your body is home to millions of foreign bacterial species. According to new research, your mouth has more bacteria living in it than there are human beings on Earth. In fact, there are more foreign cells or bacteria and fungi in your colon than human cells in your whole body. Wow. It really takes a village, everybody. That might come up or not. Kelsey's pretending to be interested, but she already learned bacteria because it's a B. It's a B-A. Yeah, yeah. So she's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've learned bacteria.

I've already experienced bacteria. I know all I need to know about it. So we are playing Call of Cthulhu, which is a classic of the TTRPG. A classic for us as well. And a classic for us as well. This is the same system we used in Mountains of Dadness, which some of you may have listened to. This is a horror-based game. Dungeons & Dragons is much more about combat and spells and stuff like that. I mean, not the way we play it, but this is a game that's all about investigating and discovering super spooky things that go bump in the night.

The way that the dice rolling works in this game is a little different from D&D. Instead of it being a D20 system, this is a D100 system. So most of the time when you're trying to do something, you've got points that are put into various skills, and that is your percentage out of 100.

And what your goal when you roll is, is that you're trying to roll under that percentage. So the higher your number, the better your chances are of success. But if you roll above your number, you will fail your roll. So it's like the golf of TTRPGs. You want a low number when you roll. It's just as terrifying and non-Euclidean and scary as golf. That's right. So for example, I have here electrical repair is at 40. If I want to succeed,

So yes, if your three channel television breaks down right in the middle of I Love Lucy and you want to see what happens and live Lucy's going to get that trophy off of her head or not, you would roll electrical repair. And your goal would be to roll under a 40. Got it. And we can explain the rest of the rules as they come along. There's some other little bits and bobs and razzle dazzle that we will explain as we keep moving. But low numbers. Good. Low. Good. In this case, the best. Yes. Actually, that's a critical 100. Very bad. Yeah.

You die in something, I think. And you die in real life. Die in real life. Nice. The year is 1950XX. The town is Peachyville, Nebraska. Just another hunky-dory nifty-fifties small town on the rise in post-war America. Everything in Peachyville is just peachy. The lawns are green. The fences are picketed. The skirts are poodled. And the cars are big and long and thick and powerful as the American dream itself. I like the sound of that. Look.

Looking around this peachy community, it's hard to believe that 10 years ago, it was nothing but a blighted stretch of abandoned farmland until eccentric real estate mogul Jimmy J. Stubb looked out upon it and had a vision. A vision of a thriving, integrated suburb where any man of any color or creed could put his family in a home, his car in a garage, and his wife in a kitchen. And so...

Life in Peachyville has gone peacefully and peachily on for more than a decade, but tonight it's all about to change, for strange things, ancient things slumber in the shadows of Peachyville, and foul deeds, even fouler than heavy petting and beat poetry, are afoot to awaken them.

But fuck all that. It's time to bowl, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. At the Peachyville Lanes, the bi-monthly Bowlerama Bowling Bowl has reached its climactic final frame. Seven-time winners, the True Bowlevers, sponsored by the Peachyville Brotherhood of Bisons, have

have racked up another impressive score and seem poised to clench the trophy. The only thing standing in their way is a ragtag collection of late entrants thrown together into a team that somehow hung in there all the way to the final roll of this match. So first question, you guys are on a bowling team. What's your bowling team name?

I like guttural scream. So the team members of guttural scream watch with bated breath as Francis Farnsworth steps up to take his last roll. He needs a nine or a 10 to make this last strike and win this trophy. How's Francis feeling right now? So Francis is feeling about as nervous as nervous can be because Francis desperately wants to be looked at as anything other than a loser, anything other than the complete dweeb that he has been marked as since high school began. And, uh,

If he can just get a nine or a 10, then maybe he'll be one step closer to getting the respect in the eyes of generally everybody in Peachyville. But most importantly, the girl he has a crush on, Carly.

who he joined the bowling team in the first place to have something to do with her. Where's Carly work? Work? Where's Carly work? Where's Carly? Is she in the room? Is she watching? Is Carly in the room with us now? I think so. Yeah, no, Carly's here. She's in Canada. She's here over in Canada. She's sipping a malt. There's a second straw in it. Who's that second straw going to be for? Who knows? She is here too. She's doubling it.

Yeah, she's like, I might have to double straw another malt tonight. The perfect woman. But she's casting a glance over your way because, again, this is the climactic final frame of the match. From the sitting area, Toni Collette's going to offer, Francis! What? You stand up a little bit straighter. Stick your finger in the holes. Okay. Deeper into the holes. You got to make sure you really huck it. I'm already up to the knuckle. You keep going. Second knuckle. The hole.

Well, my finger's stuck now. It's not going to come off. Well, Francis, you've always been such a good at sports. Just do your best. Hey, hey, look at me. What? When I taught you in kindergarten, first grade, second grade, third grade, and fourth grade, and let's be honest, you got held back, so fifth grade too. You always, when you put your mind to something, you could do it. I got held back just because I wanted to stay with you longer. I know.

I am everyone's favorite teacher. This is a curse I gotta bear, but give it a shot. All right, here we go. Francis, if you send this one home, I got a special discount for you at the lot for maybe you and your bow later. So add that to your list of pressures. Francis, the ball is round and you can roll it. Ha ha ha.

Okay, thank you, Mrs. Trout. Kelsey writes that in her notebook. Round. Round, interesting. So here's how I thought we would do this. This all was inspired by me realizing that like, hey, the D10 has 10 sides and there's 10 pins in the thing. So what I'm thinking is Anthony's going to roll a D10. At these 10 bowling pins. At these 10 bowling pins. Francis needs a nine or a 10 to knock down 10 pins.

What I was thinking is you guys could each make a skill check to inspire Francis and then he will get one more dice to roll and then that gives him a bigger chance of getting an energy. But if you fuck up and do a shitty job, then he'll be demoralized and you won't get a chance to do it. Do we get a choice of what we're rolling for here? Sure, absolutely. Because I feel like by negging him subtly and enticing him with a rental car that he'll be able to smooch his missus in, that's a psychology role for me.

me, I think. Okay. You know, because I'm using the mind of the teenager, something that Tony's quite familiar with, seeing as he sells and rents most of his cars to teenagers in the town. Was it also psychology when you were telling him to finger blast the bowling ball by getting his fingers in there deeper? Exactly, exactly. I'm trying to awaken his inner masculinity. Oh, that's just what I need as a boner right now.

Can I roll persuade then? Yes, you can. Okay. So I'm going to roll for psychology, which I have as a 50. I rolled a 92. Very bad. Yeah, you're trying to roll below your number. Oh, that's bad. That's right. Yes. Call of Cthulhu, you're trying to roll under your score. And you got a 92. And I got a 92. Can I roll persuade then? Yes, you can. Which I have a 55 because I'm a good teacher. And I got a 45. So success. You two have canceled each other out. Nice. I rolled charm and I got a two. What?

Wow. That's an extreme success. Trudy is charming. So if you roll one fifth or lower under your skill level, that's an extreme success. What is your skill level? 55. So yeah. And you got a two. So that's a critical success. Wow. Which I think means Anthony gets an extra dice because it was a critical success. Oh my God. So I get three dice? So now you're at three dice. Okay. Three dice. Trudy says, the ball is round and if I'm

If I didn't already have 2.5 children, I'd be happy to welcome you into my home. Whoa. Francis, while trying to puzzle over what the ball is round means, does actually get a little bit of inspiration from the idea that Trudy would take him in as a child because his parents aren't overly fond of him. And the idea of having a mom who loved him and can comment on whether things are round or not is appealing to him. Yes, you'd have a mother who

loves you. I can't say the same about your father because Tucker is awful strict.

Okay, so Anthony, right as you go up to roll, one more hand lands on your shoulder, and it's the 12-year-old hand of Britannica Blue, girl detective. She's a local celebrity, and she's got a bit of moxie to her, a bit of sass to her, her hair is in a ponytail with a bright big bow. She says, Francis. Bebe. Yes, that's me, Bebe, Britannica. I just want you to know that we're all counting on you, and in the words of John Stuart Mill, a man who has nothing to fight for. The Daily Show.

No! The founder of liberal thought and one of the molding men of the Enlightenment era for which this country, our beautiful country, the United States of America was created...

He once said that a man who has nothing for which he's willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself. Do you have something to fight for, Francis? Francis very quickly takes a glance at Carly and then looks away before she can notice him looking at her. And he goes, uh, yeah. Then roll, goddammit. And she kicks you in the leg. You said goddammit, the worst curse anyone can say in 1950. Ha ha ha!

The hush falls over the ground. Did you hear that? Did you hear? Well, but the detective, though, the kid detective gets away with it. She got a 47 on her history roll to pull that John Stewart Mill quote, and she has a 50 in history. I don't need to tell any of you this. She did a good job. This is privilege information. You now have the power. The privilege. Is there anything you want to say to yourself to inspire yourself? I go, okay, Francis.

You can do this probably for the first time in your life, I guess. You look at his scorecard and he has done nothing but gutter balls. Yes, it's been zero, zero, straight gutter balls. And then he's got one chance. Statistically, it's going to be different, right? Like my time's got to be coming. What skill is Francis using to inspire himself right now? That'd probably be psychology. Psychology makes sense. So I got a 29, which beats my psychology score of 80. Oh, okay. So yeah, give me five D10s.

And tell me if you get a nine or a 10. This is the very last frame of the match. - I got a two, a five, a 10, a 10, and a nine. - Oh! - All right. - If I didn't have a boner before. - Describe this throw to me, and then I'm gonna ask you guys for something. - So Francis, for the first time all night, instead of getting up really close to the lane and like using both hands to sort of push it forward very slowly, tries to do a full run up and use one hand kind of motion.

but the ball sticks in his hands and it flings him forward and he knocks his chin on the lane, but the jostling of his chin and hand hitting the floor manages to make the ball jostle loose and it goes down. And while Francis is bleeding from his mouth, the ball does end up getting a strike. In this wild Karaming motion, like it's imparted like side spin to it. So it's like a perfect curve. Yeah, that twist. It's got just a beautiful throw, a real who do you think you are? I am kind of throw.

And why don't you guys all give me a spot hit, and it's your sort of go-to skill for a lot of stuff in this game. It's kind of a passive perception. 76, but I needed a 25, so I failed. Tony Collette was knee-deep in the drink. Always observant. Kelsey Grammer passed with flying colors. Okay. I fail because I'm too busy attending to his chin. I have such a high score in first aid. Oh, wow. Because the red mystery is coming out of his chin. Oh, man.

Francis, what did you get? I got a 32 out of 25, so I failed. Kelsey, you are the only one to see this. As you watch this amazing throw, you can't help but glance to the side over to your competitor's table, the True Believers, and you see a smirking Buddy Betts, owner of the local electronics store, Betts Buy Electronics. That's mine, buddy!

Is my rival there too? Your rival? Yes. Brian Strikes Mitchell. Brian, sorry, what? Brian Strokes Mitchell is Cam Winston. Come on, Will. Oh, okay. All right. Sure. Yeah. Good pull. Good pull. So yes, you see. Brian Stokes Mitchell is Cam Winston. Who's the rival of Frasier and I'm Kelsey Grammer. So my rival. This Frasier lore is too deep. I didn't think I was going to get outgunned on Frasier lore in the first fucking episode. It was Brian the Librarian. Brian the Librarian. Yes. Brian the Librarian is also there.

You see a smirking buddy bets discreetly fiddling with what can only be described as some sort of little gizmo, like an electronic gizmo. And as the ball hurdles towards a strike, but he twists a knob on this gizmo hard to the right, then looks down at it in alarm as it seems to have no effect. He looks around confused and gocks half enraged, half astonished at Britannica blue, who gives him a taunting smirk as she discreetly holds up two little batteries that she's apparently stolen from this guy's gizmo.

So you see that and then pow, perfect strike, knocks it in. The crowd goes wild. You're watching this absolutely amazing moment. Everyone's losing their fucking minds. Carly is swooning in delight. She was about to take a double sip out of this malt, but then she kind of spins one away. Shane is seething in the corner and the true believers do not look happy. They are both upset and like a little afraid. They're a little freaked out. It feels like they really, really did not want this to happen. Phoebe.

Baby deer. What's that in your hand? Oh, oh, these? Oh, these are just, you know, these are batteries for my little dolly. Brian? And who's the other guy? Buddy Betts. Buddy, Brian, get over here. Whoa, whoa, what do you mean? Don't act like you don't know me. I taught you both. Get over here. Get over here. Matt is invoking teacher privilege on every character in this town. Buddy who got his GED at the age of 35.

I'm 49. I'm 49. He's an adult man. How long have you been teaching this town that's existed for 10 years? I taught your kids. Go over here. Got him. She walks over and says, well, what seems to be the... Congratulations, guys. Good job. Good job on the game. Everybody did a great job. Yeah. Your words say one thing, but your face says another. Mister, put your hand out. Let me see what you got there. He puts his hand out and there's nothing in his hands. No, but I saw the little weird thingy.

I saw a weird thingy, sir. I don't know what that means. Do you teach your kids to lie at school? I know. Of course I don't. I mean, at home? Because I don't teach them that at school. I don't teach them at school. You teach them at school. I do teach them. Do you teach my kids to lie at school? Like you're lying about me right now? BB, what were you waving? I wasn't waving anything. Honest. You know that I'm honest. Everybody here, you all disappoint me. I'm ashamed of all of you. I'll find out what's going on. I always do. BB is going to go ahead and take a sanity roll.

roll for hearing that her favorite teacher is disappointed in her. So sanity is basically this game's version of psychic damage. You have a whole second set of hit points that are like your sanity points. We won't get into too much of the details now, but suffice it to say, whenever you see something spooky and non-Euclidean and terrifying, or when your favorite teacher is disappointed in you, you lose a little bit of your tenuous grip on reality.

Okay, so she loses three sanity points. She's like, oh, cheapers, Miss Grammar. You don't have to come down so hard on me. I got detective stuff going on and sometimes I need a little discretion. I need a little breathing room. Okay. I wasn't doing anything honest. Hey, I believe you. Question is, do you believe yourself? She makes another sanity roll. But Kelsey, why would anybody lie? Oh, well, Trudy, um, hmm.

You're right. What about my husband? My husband's on a different bowling league because he wants me to be out of the house between noon and two every Tuesday. I don't know why. We know. I've had a lot of talks with the kids about that, too. So, yeah. What are you teaching them, Matt? I've covered.

I helped her out. Oh, because A for affair. A for affair. Adultery. Adultery. The owner of the Bola Rama Bowling Bowl, Milton... What did I... I had a name for him. Milton Friedman? Milton Friedman. Milton Friedman, owner of the Bola Rama Bowling Bowl, comes over to you and says, I've just come up with a great new economic theory based on...

how well you've been rolling those rocks tonight. And here is, uh, and again, he looks kind of nervous and looks a little weird, but he's like, I guess I got to go along with here is, uh, your trophy. Congratulations guys. I have no choice, but to give this to you since you won fair and square and everybody's watching. Uh,

Francis, I think this is yours. Boist it up above your head, Francis. This one's yours. I can't. It's too heavy. Get your gal, Trudy, to help you out. Trudy? Hold on, wait. Yeah, Trudy. Oh, I couldn't possibly lift anything. That's a man's job. Carly. Carly. Carly, get over here. Little old me.

Yes. Francis wishes you're hurt. There's a voice. I fell in love with Carly takes out a handkerchief and dabs the blood off of your chin. I feel like you have to roll not to faint or something. Okay. Yes. Go for it. I got a 58 out of what's that? Would you say that is? I guess that's constitution. It feels like then. Yeah, I have a 25 constitution, so I go down. Oh, no. Oh, my goodness. Oh, no. Somebody. Oh,

my goodness. Make sure you tend to his. This fucking kid passed out. Oh no, not because of the monthly river. I'll tend to him. And I will first aid. I'm trying to get below 45. I got a 50. I fucked up. Oh no. What do you try to do? I get my handkerchief and I like move Carly's out of the way. And mine's far daintier. Damn.

You hate to see women pit it against each other. You really do, but I tap it against Francis's chin. Little did I know that my husband, Tucker, had been blowing his microbe nose into my handkerchief. So now he's got whatever. As we all know, there's a lot of bacteria in the human body. Yeah, there's so much bacteria, as we've discovered recently. And so you have an illness. Yes.

I'm going to have to flip through the tome for that one later. While you were attempting to revive Francis, Milton Friedman is like, seriously, though, do you guys just... I'll take the trophy as the team captain. I'd like to make a little speech, if that's all right. That sounds great. So it basically looks like one of those big cheesy trophies you get for winning, like... It's a giant block of cheese. Huh? A big old hunk of cheddar. Well, well, Wisconsin. He came up with a new style of improv.

It's a trophy. It's a hunk of cheese. Instead of no but, it's Minstead maybe. Well, he said it's a big cheesy trophy. It's a big cheesy trophy. It is unfortunately not a big chunk of cheese. It's like one of those cups. Do you know like one of the trophy cups? They're called the Loving Cup, which I did not know. I had to Google like, you know, the trophy cup and like that's called a Loving Cup. It's a big cup. Why is it called the Loving Cup? I don't know because it's for lovers or something. Because he jams in there, man. He jams in there, dog. Yeah.

Why do you think we all have one in our bathroom, dog? You have a big trophy in your bathroom. Yeah, it was called. Every time I'm looking at my dick, I get to look at the award that it got. Really quick. Loving Cup is because it has two handles on the side. It's meant for like ceremonial wedding banquets or meeting drinking. So it's like a unity friendship thing. I like best idea better. Because you jizz in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, then you can use both handles to drink from it. That was the originally the band was called Limp Loving Cup.

As you hold up this big cheesy looking not block of cheese gold loving cup, it's like sitting on some plastic pillars. It's got a little engraving on it. It's surprisingly heavy in your hands. You would think from looking at it, it's kind of just a stupid little plastic thing. But this thing's heavy. It's kind of cold. It's kind of hot in here because it's the middle of the day. AC's on the fritz. But you swear you can see condensation on this thing. It just came out of a freezer.

That's all.

Someone else wants to hold this. What did you see, Tony? Sure, I'll pick it up. Yeah, here. Someone else. Oh, Kelsey, we couldn't possibly. Possibly what? You want to hold it with me? No, I couldn't possibly. I mean, well, I suppose if Tucker's not around, I might lift up the trophy as well. On three? Sure. A one, a two, a three. A three.

We both looked it up. Okay. Same goes. It's really cold and heavy in your hands. You see a weird, freaky reflection of yourself. And then I think maybe Trudy, you feel like a little bit of power that you've never felt before. Like you feel a little bit of like, you're seeing this version of yourself in this reflection and she's scary looking and distorted and strange, but like there's something compelling about her as she gazes into your eyes. My, my, is that what I look like? This winning is wonderful. When I joined the bowling club, I didn't think we would actually win something. Um, it was great. Well, we're,

Yeah, Francis, wake up. You just hit your chin. You can wake up. Yeah, I'm sorry. I just feel... I think you're just sleeping. There's nothing to be embarrassed about. Just get up. You're good. Okay, I'm up. Yeah. Hold the trophy. You got it. You might see a weird face of yourself smiling, too. It's pretty neat. Oh, oh, geez. That guy looks confident.

Just a trick of the light. It looks like he has a cool mustache. I haven't gone to mirrors or reflections yet, but from what I remember, it's just a trick of the light. This back-to-school season, you can count on Whole Foods Market to do the ingredient homework for you. They ban over 300 food ingredients, like high-fructose corn syrup, hydrogenated fats, and more. That's comforting when getting ready for back-to-school. From snacks to the condiments, their standards are truly best in class.

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Well, that's the tournament. I mean, what did you guys have planned for the rest of the day? Oh, well, just more bowling. What did they do after we were done bowling? We could go to my soda shop and I could get malts for everybody. Oh, I like that. I always love a good malt. Let's go get malts. Malt time. I'm really proud of myself. All I tell myself when I bowl is just get above my age and it's going to get harder every year, but I broke it. I got above a 49. I'm pretty happy. The bowling score sheet was like everyone was horrible to mediocre and then like B-B-E

It's just like rolling fucking dingers. It's just like X's and slashes all the way across the board. I feel like Trudy rolls nothing but strikes. I feel like Trudy is like, Trudy does roll really well. Yeah, like her body moves like super precise. Yep. Well, as long as I'm home by 3 p.m. sharp, I can go get a soda, I suppose. Trudy, it is like 4.30.

My goodness. I should be home. All right, as the four of you race out of the parking lot to either run home to your husband or go get a nice cool malt at, I believe it's the Jerk Shop. Is that what it's called? Yeah, yeah. While you're heading out the door, you see four toughs.

Hanging out by your cars. Looking mean. Italians. Hey, now watch yourself there. Farnsworth, I happen to be Italian myself. They were on the wrong side of the war, I'll tell you what. Now they're in our town? Now they're in our town.

I love their food, but don't much like their faces. I'm sorry. I know you're not supposed to say things like that. You're teaching kids. Truly, let me just say I'm glad that we've entrusted the youth of America to your fine keeping. This game's so racist, HB Lovecraft's going to have to say we're problematic. Walk past them without saying anything. They're just upset that they lost the war.

10 years on and the Italians still haven't let go. So, that's true. Peachyville, everybody's welcome except Italians. As you try to discreetly walk to your car, these Tufts roll up to you. They roll up in their Mario Kart. They roll up in their Mario Kart.

This is a whole fun backstory for these guys. They're clearly Italian now. So they walk up to you, these four hoods. They're all like 13 years old and they're glaring straight at Britannica. And she's like, oh gosh, it's even worse than Italians. It's the night gods. Everybody hang back. I know these guys from middle school. Are they Italian? I don't know. One of them might be.

but I don't know which one. Let's wait to see when he talks. They always give themselves away with the hands. So these Tufts walk up to you guys and they say, congratulations on the big match. Well, thank you. Thank you so much. Shut up. Yo, broad, I ain't talking to you. Excuse me. Excuse.

So that's the voice of their leader, a salty young girl of about 13 years old named Molly MacArthur, a.k.a. The General. She shall return. I don't listen to anybody that young talking to me like that. Just because you're sad and upset that your parents lost the war. I want a roll to catch it. Dexterity? That's an opposed roll. So yes, you can use your dexterity.

Okay. What'd you get? I rolled a 65 out of 60. Molly got a 99, which is a critical failure. So this 13 year old girl, I think what happens is she flicks it at your head. Like the butt bounces off of your head into her mouth. Step aside. Step aside, Francis. I need to set one thing straight. Now I want to backhand her. She talked to an adult.

But she's a kid! Well, yeah, man! It's the 50s. It's the motherfucking 50s, baby! Guess what? Adults get to hit children with no consequences, dude. We just came back fresh from defeating Hitler and the boys and Hirohito and his Japanese dude. You're right, you're right. I actually agree with Freddie because as part of my fighting stats, I have spanking. Oh!

Oh, no. Oh, no. I would like to take two steps forward and then cock my right hand and backhand this child's mouth. All right. Now, she does have, before you decide to throw arms down on a 12-year-old girl. You said 13. That's okay. She is backed up by her goons, who are also 12. Do you think Tony Collette, a man who has fought World War II, cares? Four children in a fucking parking lot? He was clearing.

Fucking caves in Guadalcanal, dude! One of them is Italian. And you don't know which one yet. I guess my fist will do the talking. I guess we're in combat. In combat, you just slap her. Okay, all right. Give me a fighting brawl roll. We'll call this a surprise attack. Wouldn't be a surprise if you had mouthed off.

88 for a 50. I whiff. And then as my hand careens through nothing but air, it spins my entire body around. And it looks like I do a cool Michael Jackson dance move. And now all of a sudden I'm like just combing my hair back as I spin back around. Like meant to do that. Dance of the future. And I put my hand down in front of her mouth like when a teacher collects gum and I snap my fingers to like get her to spit out the cigarette. Molly begrudgingly spits out her cigarette. And then I relight and I go, don't waste these things. They're hell good for you. Oh.

Now you four take your cigarettes and go back home. No. And she snatches the cigarette back and says, listen, that little girl Britannica Blue, she acts like a big smarty pants, but I think she's a no good cheat because this match was supposed to be rigged and we bet a bunch of money on it and we didn't win our money. And I think she had something to do with it. Money? That's what men make. Britannica.

Did you rig this match in our favor? Please. As if I would defile the great spirit of America and this nation by cheating at our most honored game, bowling. I was un-cheating this game, good sir. Listen, as you all know, I, Britannica Blue, ace detective. Yes. I'm always working cases. I'm always looking the angles. I got a tip that someone's been rigging the bowling matches at this bowling alley. Oh my.

And sure enough, I found evidence. I found an electromagnetic cable snaked down the gutter that was ready at the flip of a switch to pull a ball straight into the gutter and ruin a roll. And I saw the opportunity to steal those batteries out and save this match, and that's what I did. So to you, Molly, I say...

we're not going to be giving you anything. That match was won by our good friend Farnsworth right here. Mr. Francis Farnsworth won that fair and square and he's a big, strong adult and he can beat you up. I sure can. He says, putting up his dukes limply. Yeah. That versus all those gutter balls. Wasn't your fault. Oh no. I said, I are my fault. Well, yeah, yeah. That's exactly what happened. That's what I'm getting from this. So Molly and her goons are like, look, all I know is we're out some dough and we want something. So,

So why don't you guys give us that big shiny trophy and there won't be no problems. I don't give a shit that you can have it. Sure, all right. But I won the Francis Square. Oh, yeah, no, Francis. That's Francis. This one's yours. You get to decide what to do with it. Look, look, okay, here you go. And I saw my reflection for the first time. Look, you can each... There's no mirrors in the house, damn. I pull out four packs of cigarettes. I say, you can each have a pack of cigarettes. That's enough, okay? Now make sure you smoke those all before you go to bed. Oh!

That's very good. Get out of here. Give me an advantage persuasion roll. These kids love smokes. Everyone loves smokes. Winston's, that's the brand Fred Flintstone smokes. It's also the brand my brother smoked. He smokes Lucky's now.

I just barely, I got 64 out of 65. Oh, great. There's an intense huddle as all the kids. Hands shaking, tobacco withdrawal, clearly. She's like, man, we're out of smokes. We're out of smokes at the clubhouse. How can we shoot pool if we can't do smokes? Come on, we don't need a trophy. Forget this trophy. Come on. And she's like, cool it, okay? We got to stick with the plan. We got to smoke these. Oh, God, all I can think about is my next fix, my next nicotine fix. All right, let's do it. Let's do it, guys. And they turn like, we'll take those smokes and we'll let you keep this trophy.

What do we care about a trophy? Yeah, okay. I don't know a trophy from nothing. All right. By the way, I just heard that your clubhouse is not constantly packed with smokes. We can do it. And I hand them an extra one to each. Wow. You're all right, teach. And the night gaunts run away, plumes of smoke following them off into the night. You can always smell them coming.

I feel like we jump ahead to, like, you know, end of the day, nighttime. Well, bye, everyone. I'm off to my car dealership. Francis, come on by with Carly afterwards, and we'll hook you up with a discount on a brand new Edsel. I'm...

make minimum wage, I have like $10, enough to buy two cars. While you could raise a family and have a home with a front yard and a mortgage and a car with that kind of money. Don't worry, friends, I have a new idea. It's called rental cars. I got something that'll fit any size budget for you and your best guy. Oh, geez, driving somebody around would be pretty impressive.

So the sun sets over Peachyville. Night is beginning to fall. The malt shops are closing. The other 1950s establishments are turning in for the night. You know, the hardware store, the bookstore that only has books on apple pie and why America is good. The stars are beginning to twinkle in the sky. And I want to get a sense of what home life is like for all of you. Right around the 7.30, 8 o'clock hour. Martini hour, in fact, for many cocktail-slinging households. Ha ha ha!

at Kelsey Grammer's house, which is the back house of her brother and sister, who she's the eldest of the seven kids of the Grammer household. And you see she turns on the TV and she's pulling on, I don't know, the Donna Reed show. She's just got some TV in the background. Nice, Donna. Yeah. She's got just books everywhere. She opens up her own encyclopedia she's working on. The title keeps changing. Right now it's the Kelseypedia. She doesn't like it. She crosses it out and she goes and she's flipping through. She's looking at bowling. She has a little note, round ball, very nice.

And then she turns up the volume of the TV and she fucking puts her dukes up. She turns around. She starts boxing against this. Like, she's got like a hanging one of those, you know. Oh, man. Yeah. She's boxing the shit out of it. Huh? A speed bag? Speed bag. She's going...

Oh, wow. She's got a cannon. Oh, shit. Okay. And then as she's boxing, she's boxing so fast that the pages are blowing. And where does it go? It blows to the thing that she's working on. B-O-X-I-N-G. Boxing. That's the current thing she's developing. Holy cow. While that's going on, give me a listen roll. I got to beat a 50. I got 28. Okay. So in that case, you hear the knock at the door.

What do you want? Yes. Nice stop. Oh, it's me. Who? You'd recognize the creepy voice of Milton, your brother's oldest son, who's like a willowy wisp of a young man who's always hanging around. Oh, one second. Oh, Milton, he's such a weird dude.

Okay. Yes. And you open the door, I assume? Hello. What would you like? I'm indecent. It sounds like you're working up quite a sweat in there. And I brought a... Oh, a young man should not say that about an older lady. It sounds like you're in there. And I wanted to come in and give you something. Oh.

Oh, um, Hmm. I'm going to lean out the like side window. I'm like, Oh, the door is stuck one sec. And I like go to like the side window that was like overlooking the front door. And I want to see if I can see what he's holding. Okay. So Milton, who's got like his button down shirt buttoned all the way up. And it's like, he's got that like, Oh, the,

middle part. The middle part, you know, the, um, the old red sea dog, the straight up Moses special. He's got like a fresh baked apple pie and like a big cold glass of milk. I just thought that maybe you, she opens the door the moment she sees the apple pie. She opens the door. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah. This is for you. Um, I just, I know that apple's your favorite cause your teacher and teachers like apples. I pies are my jam. And, um, and what's your jam? I love jam.

And I loved it. And here's a big, big cold glass of milk because I thought his hands were kind of shaking. Oh, okay. Next time, I only want pre-packaged drinks from you. I don't trust this open...

I just take it and I put it aside. Oh, I'll make sure to wash the pie down with this. Oh gosh, no, that's sure. Okay, okay, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. Well, thank you so much. It's really nice of you. Yeah, thanks Kelsey. I mean, Mrs. Grammar, I mean, Auntie Kelsey. Yeah, Mrs. Grammar, that's just the proper way to say it. Okay, yeah, okay. I just, I just, oh, I'm going to go. And he turns around and right before he leaves he goes, oh, there was a, there was a, someone came by to see you. Oh, who was it? He had a trench coat and a big hat on and he said that you owed him some money and he said that I should let him know if you, if you came by and he said to give you this and he gives you a business card.

Wow, that sounds like... It just wears my money on it. That sounds like somebody that just walks around and scares people for fun. Just don't tell anybody what you saw, and everything's fine. Thanks so much for the pie. You're welcome. Okay, you can leave now. Okay. You're staring straight at me. Okay. I'm going to close the door. Thanks for the pie. Okay, I'll stand here and watch out and make sure that guy doesn't come back. Yeah, you know what? He probably will come from the front lawn, so why don't you wait out there? Okay, I will. Good night, Milton. Okay.

Bye now. I close the door. I look out the windows. He's still there. Did you lock the door? Yes. Okay. Okay. I'm leaving. And then he leaves. Okay. Let's hop over to tell me about the living coordinators of Tony Collette. Tony Collette lives in the back parking lot of Tony's cars, cars, cars, exclamation point. Each one has like a,

More exclamation points. And this is Tony's used car slash occasional new car dealership that he runs on the edge of town. And Tony lives in a little rundown RV airstream situation out back. And he's right now currently in a stained tank top smoking a cigarette and a cigarette and like a drink in one hand. It's a real Warren Beatty Goodfellas kind of tank top. Freddie, it's the 50s. You can call it a wife beater.

Wow. That's so good. That's so fucking good. Probably cut that. No, keep going. And he's kind of unsteadily because he's a little bit soused, aiming his Colt 1911 service pistol at some beer cans, at some pull tabs, pull tab beer cans that he's lined up along a fence. In his RV? No, outside. He's put a little seating area for his RV, like a little lawn chair and

So he's out there, he's just taking pot shots. And he's like, yeah. All right, give me a, what's your firearm skill? With a pistol. Whatever you're shooting, what are you shooting? 1911, right? Cool. 20 with the firearms on my handgun. Okay, so. They're not very good. And you're drunk, so we'll say you have a penalty dice. Okay, what's a penalty dice?

It's like disadvantage. You'd roll the tens unit twice and take the worst one. So roll 2D tens. One is your tens. One is your singles. I see. I see. Well, I'll tell you what. With a 44, that's a miss. So he's not hitting anything. Okay. And the gun jam is a fucking piece of shit. And then you hear a window shatter. And then... God damn!

damn it, Tony! You hear just like angry like footsteps coming over and just and it's your neighbor, Tyrus Luo, owner of Luo's Golden Walk, the local Chinese restaurant who Freddie insisted I play as the rival of Tony Collette. He says, God damn it, Tony, I told you to stop firing guns around the whole neighborhood. You're going to wake people up?

I almost got my head blown off! Lu-ho, you shifty Formosa. How am I supposed to- How am I supposed to keep- It's called Taiwan! It's- No one calls it Formosa anymore! You and your crazy language. I'll call it what I want. The Portuguese got one thing right, and that's- That's when they colonize your asses! Listen here. How am I supposed to keep myself, my body, and my property safe if I don't keep my firearm skills tip-top?

You get out of the way, you just duck your head when you hear this, when you hear old Betsy here. I can't duck until I hear the bullets. That's how the speed, didn't you go to a thing on relativity? But the bullet travels faster than the sound. By the time I heard the gunshot, my window was already shattered. I happen to know Mr. Einstein pretty well myself, and I'll tell you he didn't take too kindly to you four moosins.

I keep telling you, we're both Americans. I know. My family's been here longer than your family. I know that too. So I just, can we, look, here's all I'm going to say. Yeah. Unless you want, we're getting out.

About your war record. So typical of your type to threaten me with this blackmail. On a Tuesday night, no less. I should have expected this. You always following old Chiang Kai-shek's orders. Oh, General Chiang Kai-shek might have a thing or two to say about this kind of shiftiness. I can't even begin to explain the number of things there. Listen here, Tyrus.

I'll keep sending the teens over there, and you keep sending those teens over here. We're good. We're square. And then if at night I have to take a few pot shots while I'm honing my killer instinct, well, that's just something you're going to have to live with. I begrudgingly have accepted that you send teenagers over to the parking lot of my restaurant to have discreet sex in your rental cars.

and I get a little kickback and I appreciate that, but I can't have bullets flying over my property. So unless you want people to start, what unit was it that you served in World War II in again? This unit and I backhand him.

Give me a combat roll. Oh, a 13 out of 50, which means that I succeed. Yeah, he did not roll that well. So yes, you crack him one right across the face. He says, that tears it. This isn't over. You're damn right. It's a good thing I have a gun. Well, you're just going to see what maybe I have. It's one of these days. One of these days, Tony. One of these days. And he stomps off. Yeah, I love that guy. That's a true blue American right there.

That man's a man I'd probably call my American neighbor. Let's jump over to the Trout household. Okay. Trudy has made a lovely four-course meal. It's getting a little cold now because nobody eats until Tucker comes home from his job at Inventor. He's an inventor.

His job at Inventor. Yep. And so Trudy's lovely 2.5 children are sitting eagerly around the table waiting to eat. That's Little Tuck, Tina, and Timmy. Yeah. Tuck, Tina, and Timmy. Is Timmy the .5? Yeah. How is he .5? Well, nobody really cares about Timmy. So Little Tuck is like, Jeepers, Mom, I sure am hungry, and that pot roast looks delicious. Yes.

I know, little Tuck, but we've got to wait until Big Tucker gets home. It'll be any second now. Oh, and he'll just be so delighted to see us like he always is. Timmy's like, yeah, I'm sure he will be, Mom. What? Did I hear something? Yeah. I don't think I heard anything at all. Okay. And he just goes back to reading his copy of L'Etranger. Is that The Strangers? How do you say it?

How do you say it in French? I think that's it. He's reading, yes, he's reading. He's reading some Camus and flipping through his book and he just gives a wistful sigh. He's like, no one in this family understands me.

Some people think they're so cool because they can read. So at that moment, you hear a loud bang from the basement and you hear footsteps coming up. And then your husband, Tucker, comes out of the basement covered in sweat and grease. He says, all right, let's have some food, family. Of course.

Of course, it's a little cold, Tucker, because you're three hours later than you normally are. Oh, sweetheart. And he gives you a little kiss on the cheek and then he sits down and says, well, I'm ready to eat. So how was everyone's day? Well, I have quite a bit of news.

Our bowling team, the guttural scream. We got a big trophy because we won. Say, that's pretty swell. Yeah. I bet there's some big, strong fellows on that team who carried you over the finish line, huh? Oh, yes. In fact, there's a teen, a youth, Francis Farnsworth. He got his chin cut a little bit, but he was such a strong player. Are you saying there was some sort of fracas? Was there a fight?

How did this boy get his chin cut? Oh, no. It was nothing, honey. It was just... I mean, it was just... It was just... It was just... It was just... It was just... Trudy? Trudy? Trudy? Yes, Tuck? Okay. Okay. Okay.

He fell. He fell. Well, it sounds like this might be a dangerous activity that you've been going to go do down at this bowling alley. Well, gosh, Tucker, when you put it like that, maybe my season should be over. And maybe we can, you know, be together during Tuesdays from noon to two. Hmm. Well, I don't know about that, but maybe we can find you a safer hobby. But for now, I don't want you talking to any of those bowling people anymore. Sure thing, honey. And then you hear a phone call. The phone rings. Oh!

I'll get it. Okay, but if it's a man, tell him to talk to me because we don't want someone swindling you out of money or something like that. Of course, honey. Tucker residence, Trudy Trucker, Trudy Trucker, fuck me. Wait, so your husband's name is Tucker Tucker? Trout, Trout. Oh yeah. Sometimes I just think he owns the whole house. Trout residence, Trudy Trout speaking.

And then you just hear like...

And the voice of this girl getting dragged off into the woods fades away on the phone. Trudy looks to Tucker and then back at the phone and says, I'm not interested, thank you. All these solicitors calling all the time at dinner. You hear fumbling on the other end of the phone like someone's picking it up. Oh, but I'll listen in to see if you have another offer for me. Midnight.

195 Peachy Canyon Road. The trophy. Bring the trophy. You're being watched. If you go to the cops, she dies. If you tell anyone, she dies. We want your team and you at 195 Peachy Canyon Road. Midnight with the trophy. Did you get all that? You're not saying anything. It's just that Tucker and I are normally in our separate beds. Don't tell anyone else.

Okay. You can count on me to get help. Who is it, dear? Oh, it's me.

Is that a man? I think I hear it sounds like a man. Oh, yes, it is a man. Yes. Oh, he must have hung up when he heard how big and strong you were as a man. A bigger, stronger man. That sounds like probably something that would happen and make sense. So I'm going to keep eating this kind of a cold pot roast. Please do. I'm just going to give a call to my gal pal, Kelsey.

You go ahead and do that, dear. Actually, you know what? I'm feeling like I want to take this food with me back down into my laboratory, so don't come after me. Nobody open the door. We all know that Daddy gets very mad when we open the door. Don't we know that, children? And they're like, yes, Dad. Okay, then. And he goes downstairs with his big pot roast. Will I see you tonight? Maybe. Okay. Honey. Okay. Okay.

Trudy frantically dials Kelsey's number. Four. Four. Oh, fourth residence of Peachyville here. Kelsey, we need a man. Oh, okay. Well, dear, you are married, but finally have you gotten that divorce we've talked about? What? Did he finally do it? Do what? Oh, you're not ready, are you?

I'm not ready for a lot of things. Okay. Well, what do you say? We need a man. What do you mean? There was a person on the phone that kidnapped our dear friend, Britannica Blue. The moment you say kidnapped, Kelsey is opening up like a memory box of her brother who served in World War I. She's pulling out the Colt 1911 and racking it. Colt 1911, huh? So 1911. 1911.

1911. You know what? She reads it. She goes, M1911. Time to call the cops. Say that again? Somebody kidnapped Bebe? Yes. Somebody kidnapped Bebe and then also made threatening remarks, said to meet them at a specific address that I cannot remember.

remember, and didn't write down at midnight sharp tonight. That is far past my bedtime. So I assume that we could talk to the boys in our bowling club and get them to bring the trophy to this mysterious caller. We should definitely talk to everybody. Also, on a related question, do you know how to use a gun? And a gun is...

Oh, that big ball of gas in the sky. That's so bright. Yes. Yes, I know what a gun is. Okay, Trudy. Here comes the gun. Blam, blam, blam, blam.

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Francis, why don't you go ahead and tell me what is going on? And we'll say like a little bit of time has passed. The rest of the house is asleep. Oh, you know what happens at a teenage boy's house. So teenage boy in his room after a big sweaty victory. What's going on in there? I mean, he's viciously masturbating. Thinking about the fact that he actually did something good today. And he's looking at the trophy while he's doing it. And he's looking at the smiley version of himself.

In the reflection of the trophy. Yeah. And the version of yourself in the reflections got like a real mean looking. I feel like the one in the reflections is like, ugh. And then your mom calls up and says, honey, do you want a milkshake? And you just go, ugh. Mom! Don't talk when I'm in my room. I'm polishing my trophy, mom. The phone rings in the middle of what you're doing. Ugh. Sorry, Francis. Ha ha ha ha.

Francis slows and picks up the phone. Oh, no! Francis? Francis stops. Francis? Yes? Oh, God, I think I need two years gas, but you're out of,

I was just carrying the trophy up to my room. Oh, oh, you got to work out more. You got to exercise. You got to work on those arms. I know, but I still won today. So I feel like maybe not so much with the criticism today. Can I get one day without thinking about how weak I am? Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Just you know what they say. Once a student, always a student. I just always want to look out for you. But like, B.B.,

Phoebe, Trudy says she got kidnapped. Kidnapped? From probably those Italians. Let's be honest. Oh, the Italians. Yeah. The only thing Trudy remembers, like you said, Chris, is unless not, you know, she has a hard time with numbers and things like that. She knows that it's at midnight, but she doesn't quite know the address. Trudy, anything you remember about the street or the address? Conference call. You guys are on a party, why not? Yeah. Yes, the address is...

I think it started with a number. You wrote it down, right? I think she would write it down. Okay. That makes sense for the story. Oh, Trudy, Trudy, one sec. I just realized. Are you still listening? Yes. Okay, look down. Do you see a piece of paper? Oh my goodness. And it's got the address written right on it. Oh my gosh, Trudy. And what is that? 195 Peachy Canyon Road. Midnight. Okay.

Yeah. Synonymically, when she was writing it down, she's like, why? Peachy Canyon, bro.

So I know it's past your bedtime, but I think we got to get the whole guttural screen team together because the Italians have asked for all of us to bring the trophy. Otherwise, they said they're going to. Oh, no. As she says that and she says the word trophy, you notice the lights flicker around you in the house. And all of a sudden, the entire world around you goes black.

You're still in our reality. You're still in your bedroom as far as I can tell. You still feel the phone up against your cheek, but you cannot see anything. Oh, no. They were telling me the truth when they said masturbation makes you go blind. Francis?

You still there? I'm here. I just can't see anything. Okay. Like the lights went out or something. I don't know much, but I do. You hear a loud thud on the roof and the flapping of wings, like big wings, almost like an eagle landed on the roof. And you hear footsteps coming down towards where, like at first you think it's a power outage, but then you realize like you can't even see out the window. Like there's nothing outside at all. But you hear these footsteps going towards what you remember of being your window. What?

What's happening, Francis? Somebody's on the roof. Kelsey is flipping too. She's grabbing her M volume and she goes to masturbation, which is completely blank. And she's like, blind? Question mark? What else are you seeing? Leathery wings. I just heard wings and feet. I'm going to try to hide out of my bed.

Now the next part is very important. They're going to take it. They're going to take it. So yeah, Francis is going to put the phone down and try to hide under his bed. Okay, great. Give me a stealth. Yeah, I think a stealth role. That makes sense. Francis has a 90 in stealth. Oh, wow. Wow. He got a 94. Oh,

Oh, no! Dude, the puberty growth spurt means that his feet are sticking out from under the bed. Yeah. You expertly dive to what would be a corner of the room that you could really easily hide under, but your pants are still around your ankles from jerking off, so you trip and make a huge loud noise as you face plant into the ground. Oh! Kelsey's like, wait, what am I doing? And she opens up the door and then runs next door, which is the way her ransom looks. Okay, this is good. This is good. This is good. Friends!

Okay, so here's how we'll do this. We'll do a little bit of his and then we'll do a little bit of yours. And then if anyone else wants to live next door, if I can go for it, I guess we'll tell you all know each other. Yeah, small town. Do you say anything to Trudy before you leave the farm? Yeah, I'll say like, Trudy, I'm running over to the farm. Oh, let me...

They live right there. We're just crossing the street, Trudy. Okay, yeah, you hear her starting on the phone and then you see her running across like Ferris Bueller-ing her way through backyards and picket fences over to the Farnsworth house. Trudy's like, Tucker, I'm going to step out to go knitting just for a second. Okay. Your kids are like, Mom, what's going on? Shut up. I mean, um...

Just go to bed, sweetums. Whatever. I guess I could go to bed or I could stay up and stare at the sky and the moon. If you continue with that attitude, Timmy, you're not going to have a bed. Whoa! Timmy just like backs away and goes up the stairs towards his bed. He's like, okay, mom, okay. Who's my favorite point?

I am. Okay. I'll be gone. Okay. So the two of you are running towards the Farnsworth house. Okay. Are your parents home? Yes. His parents are home. Everyone's in bed. Francis, in your room, you're on the ground, pants around your ankles. You hear this tapping noise, like this, like something scratching at the window, like kind of fumbling around and groping. Francis tries to hurry to get up and pull up his pants. Okay. And then he goes to his corner, uh,

and feels around for the baseball bat that his dad gave him when he initially was hoping that his son would actually take up sports. And it's been gathering dust for years and years and years. Oh, I love that. It's dark, but you know your room pretty well. Give me a luck roll with advantage. Let's do that. Okay, my luck is 85. Wow, that's lucky. And I got a 53. Okay, great. So you find the bat. And again, you can't see this thing, but you can hear it pounding on the glass. And you hear the glass begin to crack and then break.

Oh, geez. Geez. I'm going to start just hurriedly and panickedly swinging in front of me. Okay, great. Oh, I think I also shout, Mom! How do we get you over here, Freddy? You're just drunk driving, or as they call it back then, driving. Around the town. I can do that. I'll be going off for a spin in my brand new 1958 Edsel Ranger. Okay, here's what we're going to do. Give me an attack roll with your, do you have something for this bat? I don't have anything for the bat.

I have a brawl. Technically, it would be like you have to have a bat specialty or something like that. In brawl, in the same way there's firearms and there's guns, I feel like a bat would be in brawl. Okay. I feel like if you want to, you could give yourself a specialization for bat, but otherwise you can just use whatever your brawl is, is my guess, is what that looks like. That makes sense. Yeah, I think I'll just use my brawl because he's definitely not specialized with this bat. Okay, great. So yeah, give me an attack roll with your brawl. The brawl is 65. Okay.

And you got a 10. You got a 10. Oh, shit. Oh, wow. Okay. Dude, Francis is hiding a fucking killer instinct. So that's under a fifth. So the unseen thing is going to dodge. It got a 91. So you swing this bat and you feel it just connect with something sharp. It's almost like you're whacking it against like a concrete wall or something like that. Sorry. It's just like a bang. I'll never masturbate again.

Give me a damage roll. So that's 1d8 plus, what does damage base mean? A damage bonus, DB. Yeah. Yeah, my DB is zero. Okay, great. So yeah, then give me a- Oh, wow, six damage? Mm-hmm. Jesus. All right. Should have gone to sports. It sounds like you're breaking through like a lobster shell. Okay. Like when you like snap a lobster shell and it's like that kind of hard, sharp cracking sound.

and you hear a sort of guttural squeal unlike anything you've ever heard before just erupt as you make this huge swing and whatever is crawling through your window right now you feel like you really got a piece of it.

Okay, let's cut to the outside of the house now where Kelsey and Trudy are approaching the front door. What are your parents' name again? Ed and Kamon Juan, which is my mom's name. Okay. Kamon Juan? Yeah. Ed, Kamon Juan, open up. It's Mrs. Grammer, your kid. He's doing nothing sinful, but he called. He needs, just open up. We should just ring the doorbell. Oh, yeah, go ahead. Do they have doorbells in the 1920s? They did have that technology, yeah. Wow.

Okay. Trudy said that. It's like, yeah, Trudy, they do. This thing that's been around since the 1913 since World War I.

one. Wow. So upstairs you see a light switch on and Francis's parents come to the window like what what's going on out there? Order of operations number one check on your son number two could you open the door please? It's midnight do you know where your son is? You hear footsteps going downstairs and then back in the room Anthony you hear the door handle rattle as your mom is trying to get in but she can't because I assume you locked the door before jorking it. Yeah does she say anything so I know that it's her? Francis are you okay in there dear? Hello? Hello?

Come in, please. I can't. You've locked your door for some reason. Oh, geez. Oh, yeah. Let me get that. I told you not to lock this door. Yeah, I'm sorry. It was just you were sleeping. Let me lock it for you. The thing in the window is now going to get a turn. Oh, man.

It's, uh... Off it's... Yes, don't get wet. All of you hear an unearthly hum, like a screech. Almost like something like the static of a three-channel TV set meets like a radio tuning, but with a sort of animal quality to it as well, like the drone of an insect. And it pierces your ears. So go ahead and give me a powerup.

Power roll. Oh, wow. I've been meaning to get my ears pierced. My power is 40. I got a 23. Oh, no. I got a 99. Okay, so you got a 99. It's a critical failure. We'll deal with you in a second. My head explodes. What did you get, Beth? My rating is a 55, and I rolled a 55. I think that means you passed. The two of you hear this deafening screech. Kamon Wan is going to roll as well, and unfortunately, she does not roll so well. Trudy, if you look over at Kelsey, you see that she has just gone completely catatonic.

Like she's just fallen into a trance light state. You're just staring straight ahead. Just like nothing going on. She's doing evocative dancing. She's doing freaky evocative dancing. Oh my goodness.

Wow. Chelsea, I am so impressed, but I wish you would say something. Anthony, I feel like Francis gets the door open. You can see into the hallway. You can't see into your room, but you see your mother standing there and she is also in a trance. Mom, mom. Where is the trophy? The trophy's in my bedroom next to my bed. Positioned right underneath the picture. What was going to fall in that cup? Ah.

As all of this is going on, we cut to... Tony Collette. What's Tony Collette doing while all of this is going on? It is Ford Edsel Villager, which was introduced in 1958. It's like a station wagon. It's a big old ugly station wagon. He's just kind of driving around. He's got...

fat stogie, any type of tobacco, he's a fan of. Right? And he's sitting there, he's got drink in one hand, stogie in the other, steering wheel between the legs, seatbelt, what seatbelt? See what I'm saying? And he's like, oh, lovely town, lovely town. What the hell's going on here?

There's a commotion. There's a ruckus over here. You see your two bowling partners, Trudy and Kelsey, standing in front of this house. Trudy, Kelsey, a little bit late. A little bit late for bowling. You're just saying this all out the car while you're driving? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, no, I'm parked. I'm parked and idling in that powerful American motor. Just rumbling and waking up everyone else down the block. Like my wheels, I rev the engine seductively. Okay, give me a disadvantage driving role. Disadvantage? Because you're drunk. Right. So...

So? So? He knows how to handle it. I know how to handle my liquor and an American automobile. Give me a fucking disadvantage drive auto roll. I have a drive auto of 40, 56. Okay, so when you try to rev your engine, you realize your car's not in park, and it careens forward towards the house. Towards Kelthasee, who's still standing there catatonically. Oh!

Oh, wow. It's beautiful. It comes at me just like a bowling ball. It's so tragic, too, because this is how Toni Collette will die, but this will be 50 years later and it's going to be a farmer's market. Wow. Okay, let's resolve this and then we'll jump upstairs. Trudy, you're the only hope. It's getting closer and closer. Hmm. I think...

think I'll move out of the way and I'll take my friend Kelsey with me. Okay, we'll call that a maneuver, I guess. How big is Kelsey? She's a pretty beefy lady. She's a pretty beefy lady. She's like 7'4". 7'4"? No, but she's like 5'10". Her favorite food is apple pie. But you're not moving. You're not doing anything. You're not trying to resist her, obviously, because you're kind of tiny. I'm kind of tiny. I'm doing a little dance, though. Go ahead and give me a strength roll to move Kelsey out of the way. A strength

Her weight's in all the right places, though. I just want to clarify. And that is everywhere. Her massive brain.

Wow. My strength is a 60 and I got a 41. Like a sleeper soldier called into action by a naughty word, Trudy springs into action, spinning around daintily and with that, whipping Kelsey into a nice hug and then spinning like a tornado out of the path of the moving vehicle. Great.

Well done. I think I just plowed straight into the house with this vehicle. I was going to give you one more roll to try to stop yourself. No, because I'm confused. Oh,

Because I slammed on the... I slammed on the... to rev, and now it's moving, and that's, like, too much for me. He's still calm. He's like, somebody else must have... Somebody Italian must have shimmy this transmission! Some Italian fucked up my car! So here's a fun detail, actually, about the Edsel. Is it the one that looks like a vagina in the front? Well, no, it's instead of having, like, a... Wait, what car is that? Hold on, everyone! I've been buying cars all my life, and I haven't heard of this one? Edsel car vagina.

What car is that, Will? This was the thing. It's got like a little Ford Dissy in the front. Ford. What is this? Ford Dissy. What is this called? The Ford Edsel. Edsel? E-D-S-E-L. Okay. What the?

What was that, Matt? Go ahead. I was going to, before I saw it, I was going to make a joke and say, Beth, you are the expert on vaginas. But before I could even finish that, I saw the car. It's like, yeah, it's a vagina. Fun thing about the Edsel is that the transmission on these, instead of being like a steering column thing, it's like buttons on the front of the, you know, back before there was airbags. They're like, ah, that's real estate that we could use. So I think a part of it is even that, like, because this is a new car. But then men could never find the button.

I don't think the button exists. I'm not sure if the button even exists, to be honest. I think it's a myth. So yeah, so I think it's that he pressed the wrong button on it, right? So he's not used to it because it's a new car for him. Yeah, so yes, your car is Korean. Now I got to figure out how a fucking car crash works. Okay. However you want, dog. Yeah, it doesn't matter. There's rules for it, though. All right, we'll say that Ed opens the door to be like, what in tarnation's going to, oh, and he sees this car pussy flying towards him. Entranced by the car pussy. I mean,

And because he's never slept with his wife, to him it just looks like a car. How does he have a son that doesn't sleep? It's under the sheets and the lights are off. Yes, honey, you did it. This is your baby.

But I didn't see the stork. We're going to cut dramatically away from that and we will go back up to the bedroom. You're standing in the, you've got the door open. Your mom's in front of you. There's a horrible monster somewhere in this darkened room behind you. What do you do? I'm going to try to push my mom further into the hall and slam the door shut behind me. And then as you do that, you hear a car crash through the front door of the

No, God. So dad goes, Jesus Christ. I do like the idea, by the way, that this is the 1950s when things were kind of like built with real timber and real construction. So the car just climbs the stairs. Like it doesn't blow through the stairs like that plywood bullshit that we have today. It's just straight up like revs up. It fucking starts climbing the stairs. And now all of a sudden on the second floor, you have a car. What?

Wait, you're saying it climbs up the stairs inside the house. Hell yeah, dude. I don't know. We might have to roll for that. Will, you think they had feng shui back then, dude? That stair was facing straight out the front door. You had to break through the front door, though. But no, Dad opened it for me. But your car is wider. Come on in, car. Come on in, car. Ah, the car is here.

Honey, is that a car? Honey rides here. Your car smashes through the front door of this house. Yeah. Ed dives out of the way because I don't want to murder Francis's dad in the first episode of the show. Ooh, kill me, dad. Coward. Coward. I want to grind his skull into paste. We'll give Ed a dexterity roll. There you go. Ed got a 73, which is lower than his dexterity of 85.

So he was a dancer. Yes. Ed was a ballet man. It was in both wars. He was in both wars, but it's still a ballet man. As a ballet man. The USO. And he does a beautiful pirouette out of the way of this thing and watches in horror. Him and Bill Hope. Bob Hope. Bob Hope. That's what I meant. You always disappointed when you got Bill Hope. It's that Bob Hope. Oh, B-Hope's coming. B-Hope's coming to Guatemala. Hell yeah. Oh man, it's Bill Hope. It's Bill Hope and Biff Crosby. He,

He dives out of the way. Are you trying to drive the car up the stairs? Is that what we're trying to do here? I'm not trying to. I'm just saying that this is American. You still haven't stopped the car is what you're saying. Correct. Because this was called the Teletouch automatic steering wheel. Literally, you can finally look at pictures of this.

they've decided to put all the buttons on the wheel. And then everyone's like, this was a awful, awful idea. We're going to go ahead and say that your car crashes and you're going to have to take some damage for that. Absolutely. Seatbelts were optional. And you bet your ass Tony Collette didn't opt for seatbelts. When were seatbelts a thing? Seatbelts were kind of around. Because this is something that would happen with Edsel owners. I go to press the horn.

in the middle of the steering wheel. But instead I just like hit neutral and reverse at the same time. And you hear a horrible cranking sound from the engine that is, it loses control and busted the door. Truly a death trap of a vehicle, huh? Oh yeah. Well,

Listen to this. The single circumstance under which a teletouch could be put into gear with the car moving at greater than five miles an hour was that the neutral button was depressed first, thereby removing hydraulic pressure from the inhibitor switch, and then the reverse or park button pushed. These actions would, as a result, either shear off the parking paw or suddenly set the rear wheels turning in the reverse direction. Your Ford Edsel is going to take one D10 build damage. So give me a dice roll for your Ford Edsel.

Three. Three? Not bad. American engineering, baby. And then you are going to take... Not American engineering. Let's give you the same thing. 1D10. This is a pretty nasty... And you're not wearing a seatbelt, so give me a fucking D10. 10. Okay. Dude, you're dying. Wait, are you dead? How much health do you have? 14. Oh, my God.

So I blow through the windshield, obviously. Nothing would be more funny than dying in the first episode. This is fine. I blow through the windshield. And now I'm upstairs, dude. Ready to fight. Okay. Well, we should just say that it crashes into the front staircase and then it launches me up to the second floor. Sure.

Yeah, you're like Wolverine when he goes through the window. I mean, he's still got HP, so he's got four hit points. Yeah, but you're like pretty fucked up. Yeah, but four hit points. You can rest, long rest, right? That's how it works in this game. You can go to the hospital. We got a hospital to beat you up. All right, major wound. Single attack that does more or equal to 50% of max HP. Target falls prone and makes a constitution roll to avoid unconsciousness. So yes, your car careens into the house. You've mashed the buttons on the front of the Ford Edsel.

You smash into the stairs. Your car is basically fine, but you go flying out the window, up the stairs. This is the most true to the 50s fucking podcast. All right, so I go up the stairs. I've taken 10 damage, which means I need to do a roll here to make sure I stay conscious. Yeah. My constitution is 75. Okay. I roll a 64, so I do maintain a hold on this reality. Okay.

Okay, so that's good because that does give you an opportunity to say something pithy as you collide with Francis, who's just gone out into the hallway. Francis, I'm so sorry. I wouldn't have done this if I had had another drink. Ah, the definition of pithy. Francis, if you want to give me a dexterity roll to dodge this missile hurtling towards you. Yes. Bro, this is the worst post-nut post.

Three, nine. I'll never do it again, I swear. My dexterity is 60. I got a 72. He basically clonked straight into you. Give me just a 1d4 damage. Bro, you know what it looks like? It looks like E-Honda in Street Fighter 2 when he does that one.

D4. Two. So you take two damage. You're knocked prone as well. My mom's next to me, too. Did she get fucked up? No, he hit you, and she just watches you go down. Cool. You deflected the bullet, so to speak. And then all of a sudden, the buzzing stops. You regain your sort of composure. Trudy, did you save me? I did. I hugged another woman. I'm going to hell. Oh, no. My gosh, if you were a man, I would think about kissing you for a while. What?

Because he saves me. And so the first ship of the season has begun. That's the same line as we're way from the bank. It's like the scene in Titanic and we all wave as this ship sets sail. Francis? You just, you Russian sign? Yeah, yeah, I Russian sign. Russians, where? Upstairs, Francis, your mom is freaking out. She's like, what's going on? Oh my gosh, where am I? What happened? Oh.

Well, I get to my feet. I don't know. There's something in my room. They tried to kill me and I hit it with a really scared mom. Stand back. And your mother grabs a shotgun and rocks it. Hell yeah, Asian moms. She kicks the door down and enters like she's doing a breach and clear.

and nothing is in there. The lights are back on. You can see your room. There's clearly something has been in here because you can see like some porn, some porn. So yes, for one, the first thing your mother sees, what were you, was this a theater of the mind? What was going on? I was thinking it was a theater of the mind, but I do think the one thing you do see moving in the room in the icy night breeze is the box of

Kleenex like flipping about like a flag. Put her husband's snot on me. I'm getting a cold. Your mom sweeps the room. And yeah, you can see something has been ripping things to shreds in here. Your pillow has been torn up and like you see these puncture marks, like almost like from really sharp, big like spider legs or something like that in the carpet. There's just a vague odor of,

You determine what caused the odor. But the one thing you do notice is that the trophy is gone. My trophy! Oh, how is Carly ever going to remember that I'm cool again? She doesn't need a trophy, Francis. But the bigger thing is that we need to bring the trophy. Otherwise, BB's been kidnapped. Oh, right. And the Italians, we're pretty sure it's the Italians. Let's be honest. They said they're going to kill her if we don't bring the trophy. If you would like to make a spot, hit and roll anybody who's up here. Sure, I'll make a spot. So,

So you have a majorly wounded fucking comrade who's bleeding on the floor right now. He's a man in the 50s. Get up. Tony's so silly. I got a 78 out of my 25 spot hidden, so I failed. I failed spot hidden as well. Let me do spot hidden. Damon, I failed. 14 out of 25 in my drunken, bloodied haze. I'm like, what was that over there? Okay, so as all of you are looking around this destroyed room, the booze- The keen insight. The booze.

The boozed, bleeding, concussed Tony Collette. He's got his eyes at a different angle than all of us. That's true. Yeah, maybe it's because he's on the ground. He's able to see up through the window. And as you look up through the window, you see for just a split second, backlit against the light of the moon, a silhouette disappearing rapidly into the night. Something flying, something fast, and something bigger than you've ever seen like that before.

It's like a bird. It's like a bug. It's drawn to this glowing light and it seems to be disappearing rapidly. What do you do? I point at it and I go, oh, there's some sort of creature in the moon. Look, look everyone, look. I only listen to my husband, but I'll turn around and oh my God.

Oh, jeez, what the heck? That's either a big, huge bat or a very small bat, but closer than a big, huge one. As you look into the distance, you see this thing with these huge leathery wings and these dangling claws and this vague, glowing face, and you can't quite make it out. It's so far away, you barely can even realize that it's real. It's the size of a man, but it looks like a moth.

It's like some sort of moth man. Oh my gosh. In its talons, in its clutches, you see that trophy. Your only hope at saving your friend. The fear in the broken sky was to feel so worn and twisted. What I can see is a hole in the stars. Swallowing my dreams and making them scars. Too far, too far. I stay.

Dungeons and Dice is Matt Arnold as Kelsey Grammer. Anthony Birch is Francis Farnsworth. Will Campos is our DM. Beth May is Crudie Trout and myself, Freddie Wong, is Tony Collette. Our theme song is Hole in the Stars by Max and Waller. It's available on this band camp at maxandwaller.bandcamp.com. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashton Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our

community coordinator Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager Esther Ellis is our lead editor Travis Reeves provides additional editing and Robin Rapp is our transcriber support this show directly at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads where you join the ranks of folks like Megan McGee Cleo Klamenzer Eduardo Jamie Jared Holford Brianne S Ali Kat Anna Wood Jared Smith Kit the Cat to Bar Isaac Hadwin Radder Wolf Alexandra J Aaron Rosenberry Aaron W Carly Cook Raphael Dumlao Max Kozek

Alan Hall, Kelly Paulson, and Tess Fletcher. Welcome to season three. Just like in season one and two, Patreon supporters can get access to our after show for this season, which we're calling The Peach Pit, where we chat behind the scenes process, episode insights, and where we answer listener questions. That is just one of a number of ongoing series we have going on the Patreon. Series like one where Matt and Beth talk

Christian movies that we're calling the Christy Rion collection. Support us on Patreon. You get ad-free episodes, Discord access. The pros of being a Patreon supporter just go on and on. Support independent podcasters such as ourselves directly starting at just $5 a month and you get instant access to hundreds of hours of additional bonus content. That's all at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads.com

Next month, we're going on tour. Part two of our U.S. live show tour where we play the season one dads hitting up cities across the Midwest and the East Coast. It's called the Areas Tour because we're going to a bunch of areas. You can find more info about that on our website. Tickets are still available and heads up to the West Coast. We've added a tour date on Father's Day, June 16th, back in our hometown of Los Angeles. We're playing the Wiltern, a legend tier venue. So spend Father's Day this year.

with us. All that info at dungeonsanddags.com. Find merch on our social media links there as well. Thank you so much for supporting us. Welcome to Season 3. Our next episode's coming at you May 21st. We'll see you then.

This is hard, Anthony. Doing two characters talking to each other, this is not so easy. I gotta be honest. Well, well.