BONUS: Kingdom Dad Monster - Ep. 1 - Founding Fathers 58:55

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You're about to hear episode one of an ongoing series we're doing on our Patreon entitled Kingdom Dad Monster, where we play Matt's copy of the cult classic survival horror board game Kingdom Death Monster. It's like Dark Souls meets Stardew Valley with a healthy dose of cannibalism, a little settlement building, a little crunchy combat and roleplay, and a whole lot of...

Well, something. I mean, you'll see. If you head on over to patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads, you can access the visual accompaniment for this episode. Miniature painter nerds love this game because of the detailed monsters they get to paint. And Matt, of course, has painted all the monsters and minis we use, and his deft brushwork must be seen to be believed.

Episodes two and three are available now on our Patreon. If you want to keep on listening, a new episodes of Kingdom Dad Monster are showing up every month on the Patreon. It's not just that. It's a whole bunch of other bonus series and extra audio and video content on there. Patreon supporters also get ad free episodes, too. And everyone talks about the cool content. Nobody talks about the ad free episodes. Just saying. The Patreon has been a great place for us to experiment with different RPG systems. So if you find yourself hankering for more, sate your appetite by supporting us directly on Patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads.

Also, if you haven't heard, we're going on tour once again this summer covering the Midwest and the East Coast. Join us for Dungeons & Daddies The Areas Tour, Feet Taylor Swift, where the Season 1 dads once again embark on randomized shenanigans. A new scenario every night. No script. No planning. Bring your seats to the full and upright position and lock and stow away your tray tables because we're flying by the seat of our pants. Tickets and more at DungeonsAndDaddies.com. Sit back and enjoy Episode 1 of Kingdom Dad Monster.

Hey everybody, welcome to the first episode, maybe the only episode, this is a little bit of an experiment, so we'll see, of Kingdom Dad Monster, where the four boys here are going to play a board game called Kingdom Death Monster. Not Kingdom Dad Monster, it's called Kingdom Death Monster. Just a little fun flavor we like to impart from time to time. It just contracts, so I think we have to put dad in everything, so it's just Kingdom Dad Monster. It's a branding thing. For those of you who don't know, Kingdom Death Monster is...

A very large, weird, niche board game that started on Kickstarter, broke all these records, but the most important thing to know is that Matt Mercer loves it. That's right. The better Matt loves Kingdom Death Monster as well. Matt tested, Matt approved. Yes, both important Matts in the world love it. Matt Gates also loves it weirdly.

I was racing to find a bad man and then you beat me to the punch. We've played this game a few times before. We love it. We're hoping that's going to be interesting to listen to. We're hoping that's going to be so fun to listen to. It'll force us to finally complete this fucking game. Just like in Dungeons and Dead, he's made us play Dungeons and Dragons. Exactly. But just a quick overview of the type of game it is. Hit it with the setting first, like.

It's completely dark except for one source of light. That's right. What is the setting, Anthony? We're in a world of darkness completely filled with horrors beyond our comprehension. Yes. Except for one lantern that we have amongst the four of us. And the only thing that we can see, the glimmer of the lantern, the only thing it illuminates is an infinite floor of stone faces, human faces, as the entire world of Kingdom Death Monster. I'm looking at the board now. There's a bunch of little

So it's kind of like a weird dark fantasy. It kind of reminds me a little bit of like kind of Dark Souls vibes a little bit. If you combine Dark Souls with Monster Hunter with Civilization, that's what you get. Yes. So we are going to play kind of a civilization. So we will be kind of bouncing around between characters. But this civilization, your only means of survival is going on the highlands.

hunt of these strange, dangerous monsters. So we have to leave the safety of the nice face light. Exactly. Leave the light and go into the dark and find monsters to kill and consume and eat and live. Now Matt, these monsters. Yes. From a scale of 1 to 10, how freaky are they? Okay, so this is the real love of King

We will definitely show pictures and stuff when we post this. The first monster you fight is a lion. It's white. It's a little bit weird, but the monsters like it's a Caucasian monster monster. It's pretty weird. The monster design in Kingdom Death Monster is truly unhinged. Picture Dark Souls with more fingers and hands coming out of the creatures and Dark Souls. If they saw the monsters in Kingdom Death Monster would run away scared of the monsters. You ever seen nipples and been like there should be fingers coming out of fingers and teeth.

The creator of Kingdom Death Monster, our lord and savior, Adam Poots, is truly an unhinged genius. And he puts his fetishes and his loves and his... He's like that weird... He puts his whole heart and sleeve out there. And clearly he is aroused, scared of hands. Because hands will just appear on monsters coming out of their butts, coming out of their eyes.

their eyes everything will be hands it's like the final fantasy character designer who fucking puts buckles on everything it's also it's also the most like sexual monster design since like alien like the beauty of alien is like right oh sexy psycho sexual but that he has the same sort of like

There's genitals on all these monsters. Not like they have genitals, but like they are made out of genitals. They're made out of genitals. Like they're sentient penises and boobs. And we'll post pictures of these miniatures because Matt has, of course, taken to painting these miniatures. This has been like an ongoing project for you because they keep coming out with expansions. There's more miniatures. It's a horny, weird game. We've always loved it when we played it, but we've never been able to get through it. The strength of it, hopefully, that will come through in this is the emergent storytelling, both in the combat, but in the world building and the settlement phase. It's just...

throwing out a lot of trolley problems and a lot of weird decisions you make as a group. Right. And the humor is coincides with the horror. It's the best board game I've ever played in terms of emergence. Cause you're not just determining like how your civilization builds equipment and stuff. You're also determining like, is it okay to eat people?

Is it okay to like murder people that are weak? What do you do with your dead? Yeah. Do we bury them? Do we consume them? Or do we have food? We don't know, but like honestly, the game will give you a lot of options and it has ramifications down the line. We've talked about it enough. Now, chapter one.

Once upon a time, there was a... I've been reading so many baby books to my... Get the serious voice on. Give me the fucking gravitas, dude. Once upon a time... There we go. There was a place of carved stone faces. A man with a lantern lay sleeping a dreamless sleep.

The man knew nothing. Turn the page. One day, the man woke up. He rubbed the dried ink caked over his eyes and opened them. Around him, he saw other people stirring. And beyond, a horizon of unbroken darkness. I forgot we have ink on our eyes for some reason. Very cool. A woman approached the man with the lantern. Her soft hand reached out to him. They had no words. They were a mystery to each other.

Suddenly a monster emerged from the darkness, its eyes wild with hunger and attack! Oh no. The people were no match for the monster. It tore their flesh and crushed their bones between its teeth. Some it devoured whole. Devoured their holes. Overcome with terror and grief. The man with the lantern collapsed to the ground. Cold stone noses pushed into his side. There was no escape.

But the man did not want to die. Desperately grasping at the cold stone faces, he felt a crack and tore it with all...

And tore at it with all his might. Yeah, he did. A piece of stone came free, came. It was sharp and deadly. Whoa, this guy's got crazy eyes on this page. The man with the lantern scrambled to his feet. His weapon clenched in his fist. He took a deep breath and roared into the darkness. Somewhere in the place of stone faces, nameless men and women stand together. Women. They have nothing but a need to survive and a lantern to light their struggles.

Hell yeah. All right. That's it. That's right. So all we have. So now we are these four survivors that have just awakened with no words. And we are on this board and there is in front of us a white lion. And the only weapon we have is a lantern in our hands and fragments of stone faces that we have that are sharpened like knives.

And that's all we got. Cool. Let's kill this lion. Let's kill this lion. I think the lion attacks first. Yeah. Anytime this game wants to do something mean or nice, it almost always chooses the mean things. Yes. Like D&D has the rule of cool. Like whatever's coolest wins. This game, I think it's literally like whatever's meanest to the players. That's what you do. Also, to paint a picture of the board, it's like a big grid board. There's roughly 12,000 little doodads and googahs we got to keep track of. There's little chips and tokens. Let's take a picture of this setup. Matt has these four big, like they look like cardboard.

board mixing boards. They've got knobs on them. They're balsa wood boards to cut down a lot of the bookkeeping because the game's got a lot of bookkeeping. Oh, here's the first thing we do. Let's paint a picture is that we are the survivors. We have our boards in front of us. We must give these survivors names and choose who we are. Okay. I want to be this cool girl right here. Okay. What's her name? Mama Daddy. Mama Daddy.

I'm a daddy. When you name your character, you get a survival point. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Instantly. Like, just simply having the identity of who you are gives you a bit of a will to survive. Well, what's all your names? I'm going to be this one, and they're going to be called Beth. That's Beth.

That's going to die. Kingdom Beth Monster. Oh, shit. That's better. She says she might want to cover like narrate and stuff. My guy. It's called Bufo. Bufo? Bufo. Three O's. Bufo? Bufo. Wait, B-O-O-O-O? B-O-O-F-O. Okay. Yeah. So now three O's and F-O. And this is my guy, Daddy Mama. Oh.

D-A-D-I. I feel like we got that from like we pointed, like we were learning language and I'm like, mama. And you're like, daddy. I'm like, mama, daddy. Dude, no joke. I'm like, best. Me poofa. What up, boys? I'm trying to teach Andy to say dada right now and I will literally look him straight in the eyes and go, dada. And he goes, mama. He's just like, I don't care. I don't care. Where's mom? I'm going to spin this monster to see

Who makes out with it? Who makes out with it? Matt is spinning it and it's looking at Will's camera. Daddy mama. Okay, so the monster does its first attack. I will draw its AI card. That's right. This game uses AI art. That's right. This game uses AI card. This is a plagiarism video game. This is the opposite of AI art. This is one insane genius constantly making everything. The monster is going to lunge at you and attack. And here's how it is going to damage you, Will. It's going to roll two dice. By the way, there's dice involved. Oh, yeah.

don't worry and however crunchy you think it is when this is edited just know there's about 5,000 more dice that we edited out this is a crunchy dice game

They both are going to hit you. Wait, Matt, do I get interrupted with a reaction? Is there anything I can do? I turned into a bird! Just to give a general idea of how the gameplay goes, is that every attack, you roll a certain number of D10s, and then if that D10 gets a certain amount, it counts as a wound towards us players. What will be important as time goes on, where a lot of the thematic fun of this comes, is that Will is going to roll dice that have little symbols that represent parts of our bodies,

that's where we put our armors our head our feet and whatnot and he can't decide like the damage goes to those parts of the body and as that part of the body gets more damaged like things will happen like you will lose limbs yikes you will throw up your stomach you will not be able to eat anymore like things will happen as it goes so this monster did two wounds on you so now you're going to roll two dice my wound dice to see where they hit i rolled legs and body okay

So now two of these did one damage each. So what you're going to do is you're going to decide, I mean, this is America's each one is one damage. So for your body, we all came with a piece of cloth, which is one damage. So you can protect your body with, you will take no damage to your body. So now I'm next. Oh, you're right. That's for waist. It's for waist. We're wearing loincloths. Nevermind. So both your body and your legs are.

Take light damage. Okay, so do I check? It says like... Use your little dials and just turn your body and your leg to L for light. Take some Ls. Once you've lost all your armor, you eventually then do light damage to that body part and then heavy damage. If you take more than heavy damage, you start getting severe wounds, which we roll on a big table and crazy stuff happens to your body. Okay, now each of us can go. Ow!

Ow. I got bit. Now does Daddy Mama get to wreak his vengeance on the Daddy Mama? Yes. All right, what do I do? Okay, so you're going to roll dice based off of the only weapon you have is your founding stone. And the founding stone has two speeds. That means you roll two dice. And then every seven or above will count as a hit. Okay, I roll. One in the four. One in the four. No hits.

Okay. I'm going to go next. I am going to move. What's our distance? Five, five, one, two, three, four, five, six. I'm going to do the action where I'm going to actually throw away my founding stone as a missile. I will no longer have it because I'm going to assume that we'll get weapons later and I want to fight this and kill this thing quickly. And you can sling this stone from anywhere on the board.

anywhere on the border is one automatic hit then flicks a critical wound so boom I throw the stone it's gone forever I shall roll a hit location and I get a critical hit automatically I hit its soft belly debilitating blow to the soft belly critical wound

Gain one random line resource. Oh. This is not a game for people who don't think you should kill animals. This is not a vegan game. We slowly consume all the elements of this creature. Can you sort on Board Game Geek by vegan? Like vegan games? Do they have those? No.

I've seen guides for like, here's how to play Minecraft as a vegan and those are kind of fun. Oh, that's fun. Gentlemen, I got a lion claw. It is a razor sharp retractable claw. We will make weapons with that later. And because it was a critical wound, the persistent injury organ trail, the white lion's intestines.

hang from the wound on its gut, dragging on the floor. At the start of every monster turn before it draws an AI card, roll 1d10. On a result of one, the monster suffers a wound. So it can constantly just keep getting hurt. Now, the way this game works that I think is really fascinating is that you have this deck that's this AI deck, which decides all the moves it does. When you do a wound, there's no wound tracker. The wound tracker is you remove an AI card

So you're not only wounding it, you're reducing the number of actions it has, almost like the creature is getting dumber and more frantic and angrier. So as the game goes on, it has the ability to do less and less things. And that's its HP. When the deck is gone, it's dead. So this creature started with eight AI cards, so once we do eight wounds, it will die. Okay. Interesting. I can go next. I'm just going to move up. One, two, three, four, five. Give me a little color when you say that.

So I'm going to slink like in the Duran Duran hungry like the wolf video. I'm going to get on all hands and knees because I'm a sexy character. Well, I'm Beth. I'm the Beth slink up behind this creature whose butt is to me. You know, like I'm anxiously like moving your hands around like talking. Yeah, meeting Sour Patch Kids and doing all that classic Beth stuff. Classic Beth moves. And I'm going to get behind him and go, you hate to see it. My move, I too will do the same thing, but like less cool.

More like Bofa. Like Bofa. No, no. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. Bufa. B

It missed! It missed! Never mind! It would have been bad because it would have only hit your head. Oh, that seems like part of your body you need. Yes, you should re-kill it. Oh, and just to be clear, our characters can die permanently in this game and you can lose this campaign permanently. Yeah, you can actually lose this campaign in the prologue, theoretically. The game is super hard and exciting at all times. It's true.

It's our turn. All right, so now I get to go. I mean, you're right in front of me. You might as well go. Yeah. I'm going to get you. I'm going to get you. Will rolls his d10. He rolls a nine and a six. So one hit. So one hit. Nice. So now you're going to. A nine and a six. So now this is our first actual normal attack on it. However many hits you got, I rolled that many on his hit location. Okay. And then you're going to, per hit location, you're going to roll against his toughness. So his toughness is six. And your dagger has one.

So what will happen is you will roll a die, you'll add one to it, and if it hits six or above, it will hit the other. So basically, just so you understand the phasing of it, your first roll is to determine if you hit. Yes. The next roll is to determine how much damage you do to what parts. Yes. So you are attacking the beast's back, and there's a failure. So if you do not damage it, something will happen to you. Cheesy Pete's. One. So no, nothing happens. Failure. Full move. So now the monster is going to sprint at you, pick you up. What the fuck? Slam you against the wall. What wall?

What wall? I thought it was an infinite blackness out there. What wall? And you suffer one damage. Man. To your butt. To your butt. No, you're going to roll a die. See where it hits you.

My body again. So your body's already heavy. So if you get hit in the body again, you're definitely going to like... And it's when you get hit with a heavy attack, then you get knocked prone, right? Yes, but he's already knocked prone. But he's already knocked prone. Yes. Great. So there you go, Will. Daddy, mama, no. Yep. Daddy, mama. We're all too far away. And now with this dude charging away, yeah, and we're a full turn from being able to do any damage to it. Well, you guys can throw your stone like I did, like a cool guy. Ew. All right, I move five. That's it. I move five. We're like... We're surrounding the creature. We're on the other side of the room. Yeah, so strategic. Yeah.

And can I throw a founding stone? Yeah, you could. You want to throw it? I'm going to throw my founding stone. Boom. So that's an automatic hit from anywhere on the board. And I lose this to the game box. Yep. It's gone forever. And now we've got a critical hit. That feels stupid because aren't there a bunch of stones everywhere? Can you pick up another stone? No, but this is the founding stones.

You'll get better weapons quickly. Unfortunately, this is a trap. What? The attacker is caught in the White Lion's ruse and is savagely mauled. The attacker is doomed. What? You may not spend survival until his card is resolved. What? He can't do a dodge. Yes. Okay, so you're going to get a basic attack against you, Freddy. It's not even next to it. Yeah, it's going to do a basic attack, which means it's going to move. At least it's off of me. Yeah, six. Where are you, Freddy? I'm behind it. No.

Nice. Oh, if you're right on his butt, it can't see you. There's two spaces behind its butt. Okay. All right, Freddy's attacking you. Its vision is based on asses. Seven and a two. It's on a two plus, so both of them hit you. Yeah. That's cool, whatever. So roll to location die. Get one.

He just reached into my fingers. Belt, good. And your head. Here. My waist and my head are targeted now. So your waist, you have one. Your waist has a loincloth. Yeah, so you're okay. But your head only has... So now let me ask you this. The loincloth, do I lose one from the loincloth? Yeah. Put your belt at one and now you reduce it to zero. I take one damage that is absorbed by my waist, my loincloth.

but then he hits your head. How much damage would a loincloth really absorb? No, no, no, but think about this. This is the way I think about it. You ever do that thing where you like lean forward with a cloth and it's like a curtain and then you can stop like paintballs and BBs because it's like a little, just a little bit. Wait, wait, you laugh, but this is how Japanese archers would protect themselves when fleeing the battle. From a lion's mob? I imagine he swipes at you and like his claws get like stuck in the cloth for a second. Dude, have you seen my ding dong, dude? You're, you're, you're,

And then after the lion sees my ding dong, it's like, gotta go for the head. He's too strong down there. Too strong. And you don't have any light damage to your head. You only have heavy damage to you until you're not prone. What?

It would be so great if we just died in the prologue. Such an easy campaign. Yeah. Okay. No, that was even the creature's turn. That was Freddy's turn. If Freddy went last. Yeah. Okay. So that was the creature's turn. That was the creature's turn. At the very least, it means the two of you are not active targets because you're prone. Yes, it won't act. It's going to come after Matt or I. Oh, prone attack. It mauls any prone player. It does do that shit. Pick the closest.

Is he going to run again? Pick the closest downed survivor. God damn it!

You're kidding. Nope. Okay. What happened? I was going to attack you two or plus. Matt rolls. He gets a seven. That's a hit. So one damage against you, Freddy. So that hits my body. I'm going to take light damage to my body. But what happened? After damage. God damn it, dude. The white lion isolates his prey. Full move the white lion away from all the other survivors. Place the target. So it literally grabbed you in its mouth and is running away with you.

Okay, cool. Hey, did you check if it's entrails are dragging? Yeah, roll that entrail. You're right. As it runs away, we're going to check the entrails. No entrails. No, the guts are all in. You guys got to throw your fucking shit. You got to throw your shit.

I don't know if they should. Last time I threw it, I got double fucked. Okay, is it my turn? Yeah, but there's only going to be one trap. We can choose the order. Well, you got to get the fuck up, bro. Can I get up? Or do I have to fucking roll shit to fucking stay on my own? I think you just spend your full moon to stand up. Yeah, right? Yeah, I think you just spend your full moon to get up. Your full moon? My full moon. All right, I will throw my thing at it. Hell yeah. We don't need stones. We're going to get cool stones.

Spend to sling the stone from anywhere. Activate this card. One fucking critical. It's just you get one full critical. Will throws the stone. You hit. It's fuzzy groin. You hit the monster right in the ding dong. That's the actual. Yeah. You hit the monster right in the ding dong. Critical wound.

We gain one lion testicle from the resources. Yeah, baby! Persistent injury. Lost ding dong. Your attack destroys the lion's healthy genitals. The monster is livid. The white lion gains plus one damage token. The attacker permanently gains the priority target. The white lion will attack it until it is dead. So the white lion is only going after you. Because you destroyed it.

Because you threw a rock and sliced his dick off. Hell yeah.

All right, we got testicles. We got a little fucking prairie oyster out of it. How does Daddy Mama feel about that? Daddy Mama is like dibs on the nards. Oh, it's good. We can kite because it has to walk to you. Yes, it does. Hell yeah. I'll go ahead and move. Kiting to zone. Yeah, I'm not going to do a get there. I'm going to go ahead and just get right next to Will. Mama Daddy is going to go right next to Daddy Mama. Oh, yes, the Mama Daddy Daddy Mama Mecca hybrid. I might as well do the same thing because it's just going to come straight for you. Yeah. Three, four.

So now...

So now Anthony is... You'd probably be like, there, so that it would move. Anthony is now next to Matt and Will. My character is far away, halfway across the board. But you can pop up and attack it because you're right next to him. I'm going to pop up and attack it. We've got a real Red Rover game going on here. And now you do your fists, which are on that. I'm using unarmed combat, fist and tooth. I roll two dice for that. I love that it says tooth like you might. Eight and a six. One hit. Now you've got to roll a six or above. You're attacking its ribs. I'm attacking its ribs. Oh, wait. You do that. And I roll a crit. A crit? A crit?

Seriously? Yeah, crit. Hell yeah! Okay, wound. If the attacker has plus three understanding, no. No. You think Bufo has plus three anything, dude? No, but if your character was smarter because we gain understanding as the game goes on, the sound of cracking ribs encourages you because you understand its ribs are breaking. Oh, interesting. Critical hit. The force of the blow breaks the white lion's ribs, weakening it. It now has minus one toughness. So now we only have to roll a five to hit it.

Hey, the description for the lion testes on the card also just says a hefty pair of nuts.

I like this game's got a cheeky little sense of humor. It really does. It does. It has a little cheeky sense of humor. It's the darkest, most berserk-esque art style, and then every once in a while says things like, you hit him in the ding-dong. Which you know what I appreciate. Yeah. You know what I mean? How do you think they localized the word ding-dong? I don't know if this game is localized. So we've done three damage to it, right? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, great. Not even halfway done. Not even halfway done. Now it is the lion's turn. As we know, it only will attack Will now because Will destroyed its testicles.

Okay, so I pulled enrage. What this is is actually a new stat that's going to be added to the lion. So the lion's pissed off. Makes sense. He destroyed his testicles. Now the lion gets plus one damage per monster level, so it's plus two damage now. When survivor suffers any dismembered severe injury or is killed, discard enrage. So essentially he's no longer angry if one of us is killed. Cool, cool, cool, cool. Maul, pick target. Victim of grab last round. It should be Freddy, but it's so angry at you it's only going for you.

It's going to move towards Will, but it's not going to reach Will. It is just blindly angry running halfway between Freddie and the three of us. It's about three spaces away from that group over there. Luckily, it's within distance of all of us. I'll go. Yeah, that makes sense. All right. Daddy Mama. You should just run, right? Kite it. What? You're going? Daddy Mama's going for it.

Daddy Mama raises his loincloth to taunt the lion. Look what I got. When Bruce Lee does the little like beckon forth thing. And then I'm just going to run at it and beat the shit out of this thing. With your fist? Yeah. Okay, run towards it. Will has moved to the side, to the left-hand side of the lion. Now I'm going to use tooth and fist. I'm going to fist him with tooth and nail.

You swung at it and miss. Swing and a miss. Yeah, so your stone is seven or above as a hit. Your tooth is one eight and above. That's for when you've hit it to the wound. There's hitting it and there's wounding it. It's two separate things. That is the most complicated thing about this game. But it's plus two damage, so now every time it hits one of us, it's going to instantly cause a severe injury. Uh-oh. Sounds like I should have run. Our curtains are going to start getting mauled completely. Okay, I'm going to move and swing. Matt moves in front of the lion. I also don't have any weapon.

I missed. He misses. I'll do that and hopefully hit because I still have my weapon. I'm going to get a six and a one. You still have your weapon. I still have my weapon. So I'm going to roll. I have to get a seven or above and I got a nine and a ten. You are going to attack its beast's maw and its beast's scapular deltoid.

So what one do you want to hit first? The deltoid. The deltoid. Okay. The scapular deltoid. So it's minus one toughness, and now you only have to hit a five. Okay. Anthony rolling again on D10. You need a four or above. It's a four and above. It's a three. That's a miss. Narrow miss. Oh, no. What happens on a fail? It's going to sprint forward. How? It's blocked in. It's failure. Yeah, it's going to pick me up. It's bigger than us, dude. It's a lion. It's sprinting forward and is going to pick me up. Jesus Christ.

Christ. So I can't even injure it the second time. Knock me over. No, you get to continue your other attack. Okay. In fact, I would have told you it would have ran on a failure. Oh, so I wouldn't have chosen. Yeah. Okay. And now you're going to attack its maw. We'll say you provoked an attack of opportunity. You hit it. You hit it. No critical or anything, but yes, you hit it. So he only has three health left. It dragged me away from you folks. Freddy, you're now not within distance. So right now the lion has Matt in its claws halfway across the board again. I'm going to rejoin Anthony and Will and stand next to them.

All right. Let's see what the lion's going to do. Uh-oh. Big target is obviously going after Will. I wave my nuts at it again. It's just going to do a basic claw attack. For two damage. For two. No. If it hits me. No, it's three damage now. Let's see it try. Is it three damage now? It's three damage. Either way, it would just. Yeah, it's three damage because he's angry. Oh, because he enraged. Enraged and he ripped his nuts off. Oh, one of them missed. One miss. That's good. Okay, that's good. But first, actually, I didn't roll for his. Yes, you're going to get hit once. Let me roll for his intestines.

No. Will is going to hit you for three damage. Okay. Now, wait, you do have one dodge still. Oh, I do. A currency we have in this game is called survival, which we brought up because when we name our characters, we get one survival. Throughout the game, doing things will give us survival. Survival lets us essentially do special moves.

Right now, our characters only have one special move because we're just naked babies who are just don't even know. Can't even speak yet. The one thing we can do is dodge, which is avoid all damage from one attack. Okay. So you can use that to stop you from dying. I want to do it. You're going to do it? I'm going to do a flip in the air and go, ha ha, and dodge him. All right. So we'll use this one dodge. I've done a cool pirouette in the air. You know, like when you dodge an axe in like a Zack Snyder movie and it flies over your head. It's like his claw just like right over my testicles.

Oh yeah, it's just a close-up. It's all it wants is your chest. Trims a pube. A single pube. And it flips around. Dude. And it lands in someone's food. I'll come around the back of it. Do it. And attack. Alright, let's do it. Punch him. Punch him, dude. Roll your two dice. Rolling two dice to see if I hit.

A crit and a three, so I hit one. You hit once. Another crit? Not yet, not a crit, but just a successful hit. You're hitting the temple. We're just socking it in the head. In the head. Head punch. So you need a five. A five or higher. Because you don't have any bonus, right? No, no, no. Because you're not using your stone. A five or higher, and I roll a one. God damn it. Uh-oh. Failure is going to do a basic attack against you. What? You're behind it. Yeah. It turns around, waving its butt at Will.

It hits twice. So can I dodge one? You can dodge for one of them. I'm going to dodge for one of them. So the killing blow misses. So here's what you can do. You can roll to locations and then use a dodge of its head. Okay, got it. Use your dodge on the head one. That is a head and the body. So I dodge the body. No, no, dodge the head. Dodge the head. I flip the punch. Okay.

But then the rest of it, by slip of my foot, my body in the way. So you instantly, you get your light damage and heavy damage, and the third one brings you all the way to severe. Uh-oh. Which means it's time to roll on the injury table. So my body is gone. So is your body that was hit? Yes. Okay, severe injury. Okay, so I've been hit now severely. Now what? So now we roll on the body table to see what your damage. Okay, so what do I roll? Just roll 1d10. 1d10 on the body table, and I've rolled a 10.

That doesn't seem like the one you want to roll. Oh, actually, you know what? No, it's the other way around. A one or a two is instant death. Oh, shit. There's a one in five chance that you instantly die. This is actually the best one. Fold over. The blow sends you sprawling. You're knocked down. That's all. You just got knocked down. You're lucky. Freebie. Got them pecks, dog. That's the best you could do. Freebie. I will attack with my dagger.

Eight and a six. That is one hit. You're going to attack its straining neck. Missed. God damn it. No failure likely. No failure state. So I would have stood up at the end of the turn he did it for me. You are knocked down. At the end of the turn, he's a pop. So I can move and attack. Okay, Matt moves in. We have now all surrounded the lion on all sides. I will also use my teeth and my fists. I didn't hit. I'm going to hit. I got a nine. Two nines. Two nines.

All right. You're going to attack the beast tricep and the fleshy gut. Let me check the failure, what you're going to do. I would say you should do the tricep first. Why? Because the failure for fleshy gut is swats back and can push you away. Okay. Then I will attack the tri. So just do one. Hey.

I give him one of these. Okay. If you hit him with this next time, he's dead. He has to be empty when you hit him. Okay. Oh, really? He has two HP left. How is that possible? Cause he can't do any basic attack. Oh, all right. I'm going to get that gut. Uh, six. His toughness is, Oh yeah. Zero. You're right. Okay. Yeah.

The next hit, the lion is dead. It is the lion's turn. We're going to roll to see if it dies from its own intestines. That would be great. It doesn't. I'm so close. It is going to turn and attack Will, the man who took his testicles. That's right. Bring it on, brother. You've already used your dodge. Feels like I would have sounded like Macho Man. They both hit. Two hits. Two hits for three. So he's going to take one final. Snap into a Slim Jim. Daddy Baba.

So roll your... Slap into daddy mama. Roll your location die to see where it's going to finish you off. Two bodies. Two body shots. Okay, roll. Well, is that a good thing? Because it just goes all the other way? No. You gotta roll twice on it. Oh, you gotta roll twice on the body thing. Roll 1d10. 1. Instant death. Oh, no!

Daddy Mama is going down. The bone sends a bone fragment directly into your heart, killing you instantly. Rip up that paper. Daddy Mama. Daddy Mama is down for the count. Oh, no. Daddy Mama is dead. Daddy Mama. Okay. Well, guys, this was fun. Mommy Daddy looks at Daddy Mama and goes, Daddy Mama.

Again, we don't play individual characters. We play a whole set of it. Ashes to ashes, dad to mom. All right, I'm going to try and hit it in the butt. We could have both. I got no hits. No hits. No hits.

We gotta kill this thing. I missed. Two threes. Step aside, boys. Let it reel. You should throw your thing to do a critical wound. You can kill it at any moment. Step aside, losers. Just don't die. Step aside, losers. I'll show you how it's done. Bufo raises his mighty fists and rolls a one and a ten. One hit. Okay. Hit location is the flank. Okay. Let's see it. Cats hate this. Monsters are very upset.

Eight! You killed the lion! Daddy mama almost lived to the end of the fight! Survivors are victorious! Collect your rewards by scavenging the monster's corpse. The survivors earn resources. This is in addition to any resources we earn from critical wounds. Nice.

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Dungeons and Daddies is brought to you this week by KiwiCo. KiwiCo! Fun projects, learning projects, edutainment. What noise does a kiwi make? Oh, it's from New Zealand, so be like, kids of all ages through hands-on projects and activities. You know what sound my kid makes when they play with a KiwiCo? I love you, Dad.

You are doing a good job. I know it's hard to be a parent, but you're hanging in there. Thanks so much for this wonderful KiwiCo. Your kid's got a deep voice. With KiwiCo, there's always something new for kids to discover, like engineering robots or learning about the science of ice cream. It's cold. It's just cold. That's all it is. What was the project you've been doing, Matt? There's other stuff, too. Yeah, there's more about it. Yeah, what have you been doing? It's got to freeze fat in there. That's why you can't just use olive oil all willy-nilly. What have you been doing, Matt? What have I been doing? With your kid, not, you know, with KiwiCo.

We did a hydraulics thing, so I kept the mechanic vibe going. We got this, like, little... You golf, Freddy. You know how they pick up golf balls on the ground? Yes. You know, at the driving range? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we built this, like, little, like... It's not a sweeper, but it's kind of like a little chompy... It looks like a little whale, not like a golf cart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's a cool... Not like an armored killdozer golf cart. No, no, no. But it was fun to build, and you could decorate afterwards, so my daughter had a good time. But it's just, you know, it teaches something about mechanics and how gears work and stuff, and it's just fun to run around and, you know...

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That's 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O.com, promo code daddies. So we will draw four lion cards. Ooh, lion resource cards. Let's see what we got, gentlemen. One, two, three, four. We picked apart its...

Cat bones, the eye, a perfectly preserved eye, the white fur, luxurious and soft to the touch, and another cat bone, which is strong and surprisingly light. Probably mix swords with that. We will also gather four basic resources. Just so everyone knows, there's so much stuff around this game that Matt has filled my entire kitchen counter with more boxes of decks and cards and...

and miniature. So he's bringing over a whole deck about the width of a large pan pizza, I would say. An extra large pizza box. A big Detroit-style pizza box. And it's just cards immaculately categorized with little tabs in between them. All of them sleeved beautifully. All of them sleeved beautifully. This is a game for perverts. Yeah, it really truly is. Do you like the crunchy? I'll put it this way. Poots is so serious. Now they do have an app, kind of, but he refuses to make a companion app. He's like, I want this all pen and paper.

Oh, that's so fucking sick. Okay, so we got four basic resources. We got...

A broken lantern? Some love juice. Sorry, what? Love juice. Ooh, we can do this next turn. From the balls. Love juice from the balls. I like that thematically. We got love juice from his balls. During the settlement phase, you may archive this to intimacy. Nominate survivors and they can consume it so we can get intimate. That's super important. We can get intimate. Consummate it or consume it? Consume. Both. Your civilization has to learn how to fuck.

And we have love juice now, so now we can actually learn how to fuck. Yes, very good. That's how you get other characters in the game. If you don't learn how to have sex soon enough, you die just like in real life. I'm out until one of you guys learns how to fuck and have a baby? We're about to find some new survivors. We're about to make a settlement. So that was the prologue. This says, turn the page to create our settlement. Place the settlement board in the play area along with the gear and survivors we got. The survivors we have are called returning survivors.

After the defeat of the White Lion, the survivors wander the darkness drawn to a soft glow blooming in the horizon. This is the first story settlement phase, and we will create a settlement that we will return to in every settlement phase. So every time we attack and fight a monster, assuming we've survived, we will return to our settlement. We make a base! First thing we do upon this settlement is we will name it. Right now it's just the three of us, so I think we all can have a say in naming it, except for Will, because he's dead. Because he's dead! Boo!

Critical role? Critical role? What's our settlement name? No, I mean, look, I know I don't get to vote, but it's like, we tore the Lions and Nads off, and this is like our home pod. I think we call it the NAD pod. Shit. That's pretty good. Pretty good.

Our settlement is NAD pod. All right. We're the NAD pod. That's the last thing daddy mama says to you before he dies is NAD pod. Is NAD pod just DG better and then you die? So every time we return to a settlement that has a name, it gives us this ounce of hope and belonging. We gain one survival. Just like listening to NAD pod. So we all gain one. If you're alive, Will's not. Each of those survivors gain one survival. So I didn't use any survival last game. So I have two survival now.

now or i should say a mama daddy has to survival so one of the things that happens in the settlement and we'll find the best way to uh do this audio lead every time we come back to the settlement we will slowly begin to build the city by creating uh essentially storefronts based off of all the resources we got from the animals and that's where we construct our weapons but most importantly is every time you come back to the settlement there's usually what's called a story event which is there's a big deck of cards that's a bunch of different events that happen sometimes

A year has a specific story that you need to take. Other times you just pull a random one. This being the first year, we are obviously going to pull the settlement event the first day. The first day. So we've drawn the first day settlement card. Anthony, why don't you read to us the first day? The survivors wander, drawn to a blooming light in the distance. They find the serene comfort of a towering pile of lanterns and a small collection of scared people. On a deep instinctual level, they know this area is safe and they make it their home.

Roll 1D10 to determine your starting population and record the result on the back of the settlement record sheet.

I'm back, baby. So we have 10 unnamed survivors that we have to name and give genders to. And mouths to feed. Yep. Choose and record genders and names for the unnamed survivors. Is it 10 including our three? Or is it 10? It's 10 unnamed survivors. So 10 including our three. So we have 13 people now. Okay, so let's write the names of everybody who's alive in this town. So first we got... Rico. Chico. Well, first we got Mama Daddy. Well, let's get the survivors first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, as someone who's dead, how about you fucking sit down here, Will?

What's your name? Oh, you're Beth. Freddie, you are Bufo. Bufo. Hero of the hunt. Okay. Write that down. Bufo, comma. Daddy Mama was the hero of the hunt. Your gender is hero of the hunt. Bufo, comma. No, Bufo, comma, hero of the hunt. For notes, I'm just going to put hero of the hunt. Thank you.

Ellen of the hunt and Beth and mommy daddy are email. Yes. This game only has two genders, unfortunately, but we can tweak that population. Okay. 10. We got, we add 10. We need 10 names. Yeah. All

We can also hold off on naming them and then name them after people who comment on this. Let's name them after our patrons. Oh, patrons. Okay, so we have 10 unnamed. We will meet them. Well, Will gets one. Will comes back and becomes a caring Will's body. Somebody goes, no, not Daddy Mama. Who's the person who is looking at Daddy Mama's corpse? That would be

Dr. Jess. Dr. Jess. Dr. G-E-S-S? J-E-S-S. G-E-S-S. No, I think you're right. It's Dr. Jess G-E-S-S. Yeah, Matt. Okay, Dr. Jess with G and then under notes I'm going to put pronounced like Jif.

Dr. Jess is all man. Full man. All machine. Then you skip forward to the first survivors. Nominate a survivor to utter the first words. That would be probably I nominate myself. Probably be Dr. Jess, I think. No, you weren't there. Hero of the hunt. Fine, Bufo gets the first word. Bufo. What are Bufo's first words? Here we start our shit. Hell yeah, my brethren. I'm so glad Bufo got to talk.

Fuck! The nominated survivor steps forward and gains plus one courage.

So you fill that out on your paper sheet. If you get three courage points, you get to experience the bold storyline. They lead the other survivors in learning to speak to one another. They discuss their situation, realizing they must hunt to live. Add the white line to the quarry list on the settlement record sheet. Your settlement gains the language innovation. Search the innovation cards for language and place it's place up in your play area and record it on your settlement sheet. And our language, it's Gen Z talk. Our language is no cap.

We speak no cap. Yeah, we speak no cap. Starting innovation language survival limit plus one. So now we can have up to two survival. All survivors gain encourage survival action. So now instead of just dodging, you can encourage because we can speak to each other. Encourage once per round of standing. That means if you're not knocked down, you can spend one survival to call out to a non-deaf survivor because you can lose your hearing.

They stand up if they're knocked down. So this is just a way to get people to encourage a deaf survivor. You can give them a thumbs up or something. Well, in this game, the encourage, we haven't invented thumbs ups yet. How dare you come around being like, yeah, thumbs up means that, you know what I mean? It's like in those cultures when it's like the thumbs up means like, fuck you.

The Italians. So we update our death count. We did indeed lose one. So when things happen in the game, big events, you get to make some decisions. Okay. We have our first death. The group must decide what to do with our first survivor corpse. What do we do with the body of daddy mama? We can either choose the first harvest, which is the settlement decides to harvest the body for resources. The settlement will gain the death principle cannibalize, which

Or we can decide to build a small monument to mark their loss. Boring. A small monument? Yeah, and then we gain graves. Graves. Boo! We're cannibalizing cannibals. This is the easiest decision I've ever had in my life. We're absolutely eating those corpse. Okay, so...

There's a reason the picture on the opposite page has people eating a corpse. They know what you're going to choose. That's true. That's true. The big, there's one page that's like all the words and the text and the page to the left is a big full screen picture. And it's just a bunch of people eating this dead corpse. We have to roll a D10. Right now? Right now. Determine what we're going to do with mom and daddy's corpse. And I, the dead body rolls. Yeah, Will rolls a nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine.

No, not a survivor. Oh, Mama Daddy's going to do whatever it is to Daddy Mama's corpse. Okay, so Mama Daddy frantically tears the corpse open and deeply drinks of its blood. They decide that for every new creature they eat, they will become stronger. Daddy Mama, the living one, gains one permanent speed. Yes! I'm faster because of you, dog. Yep. Thanks. Isn't speed also like the attack thing? Yeah, speed is how many dice I roll when I attack. Which is super fucking strong. I'm so fast.

It's insanely strong. Seems like there are no downsides to eating corpses. No, absolutely not. That's as good as hell. Something we also have to do is we have to choose a survivor to look into the lantern horde and ponder the meaning of life while the next group goes out on the hunt. Oh, okay. Someone's got to ponder the orb, dude. Yeah. Somebody ponders the orb and is not allowed to go on the next hunt.

It has to be someone who went on the last hunt. Yeah, so I guess that probably leaves me in terms of people who've done special things. What about the Bufo hero of the hunt? Bufo can ponder the orb. Bufo comes back home, screams let's fuck, and then stares at an orb for two hours straight. In which case, I think Freddy should make another survivor for who he will be taking out next turn, so that way we'll have another name. Son of Bufo!

What a coincidence. Now we haven't fucked yet, so this is just something a guy named himself that. Son of a Bufo. Son of Bufo. Son of Bufo. It's S-O-N-U-V. Son of a? Son of Bufo. S-U-N-U-V.

B-O-O-F-O. Okay. Son of Bufo. Male or female? Female. Any notes? Really mix it up. Strong. Strong. Confident. Powerful. Can balance their work life and their personal life with no difficulty. Strong and powerful. Okay. Thank you, Matt. You're welcome. Okay, we have the death count. We checked the milestones. We did that.

develop oh but before we do that i have added just just a slight spattering of expansions because i have so many i wanted to at least see some of them i added gorm

Gorm is one of my favorite miniatures, so I can't wait to paint it for this, which is just a giant baby with hippopotamus feet. And it has a huge mouth that looks like a fucking angler fish and thousands of hands coming out of it. It's very terrifying. When we add Gorm, we must add the approaching storm to the first year.

Matt, this is like so close to what I imagined. Like, was it the Cones of Dunsmuir or whatever? The Cones of Dunjur. It's all about the gorms. As the son of Bufo stands up and says, I will join the next hunt. There's suddenly. So it's not as the son. It's as son of Bufo. Son of Bufo. Yeah, thank you. Stands up and says, I will join the next hunt.

and also adds the phrasing, let's fuck, because we just all assume that's just how you end sentences. Those were the first words we heard. The weather takes a turn for the worse.

A light appears on the horizon. From its origin, roiling masses of storm clouds approach the settlement, soaking everything in perpetual sheets of stale-smelling rain. Sudden flash floods, burning winds, and periods... I soaked the sheets in stale-smelling rain last night. God. Wet my bed. Periods of strobing, lightning continuously... Be warned that this podcast may have scenes of strobing. The settlement. Shut the fuck up. Leaving the survivors in epileptic fits, you may now hunt Gorm.

Add it to the query list on the settlement sheet so we can go after the white lion. So we saw some lightning and we're like, hey, we should fight this guy. Some lightning and we're like, we should now hunt Gorm. Yep. Well, we add the Gorm because we like smell it. We add the Gorm climate to the next lantern year. Global Gorming. Nominate a survivor.

uh beth make it beth plus one insanity great insanity is good in this game yeah actually what kind of a fun thing with this is that insanity is essentially so you have armor for all your parts of your body obviously you can't put armor on your brain what acts as armor on your brain is insanity so more insanity you have you are actually more able to like weather the horror the horrors of this world however if you do get too much brain armor you become truly insane which then something happens

So, Nami the Survivor, the game plus one insanity, and Brave the Storm. Anthony, have Beth roll a d10.

Three. The survivor stands in the torrent, pulsing psychedelic lights strike them, bringing them to their knees. In a flash of morbid inspiration, the nominated survivor takes a stone to their own eyes. Whoa! They suffer the blind severe head injury. Holy shit! But gain plus one permanent speed. Woo!

So you're blind, but you can swing better. Like, you're stronger. Wow. That's fucking cool. I'm Zatoichi. Zatoichi, dog. Yeah, you're essentially Zatoichi. What does blind do? And it's at both eyes. I think so. There's two boxes. I think one for each eye. You lose one accuracy. Better to have speed than accuracy. So you lose one permanent accuracy. So I have to roll one higher to initially damage them. Yes. To hit them, not to damage them. But you have more dice. Yeah, fine. If you have two blind severe injuries, you do minus four permanent accuracy. Oh.

It says I'm blind, so it sounds like minus four is probably what I have. No, no, no. You have to get blind twice. Oh, okay. Just one eye. Just the one eye. Good to know. Cool as hell. And you're like, you smelt the air and you go, gorm. Let's fuck. Develop.

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During this step, the survivors spend their endeavors to craft gear and join activities. When the settlement starts out, they can build their endeavors at the Lantern Horde to build new settlement locations. When an endeavor is spent, reduce the endeavors by one. If you can, spend three endeavors to build the Bonesmith, Organ Grinder, and Skinnery settlement locations. We do have three endeavors because we got them per person. So I think we should just do what they said. So we are going to build...

The Bonesmith? Bonesmith. The Bonesmith. We will build... Not a good Doctor Who. What? Matt Smith. Bonesmith. Wow.

We thought the settlement phase would be boring. And the organ grinder. So essentially... The bonesmith and the organ grinder. Well, the bonesmith's for bones. The organ grinder's for the organs, Will. So we have us in our settlement now. We have the bonesmith, the skinnery, and the organ grinder, which allows us to get weapons, build weapons, and spend the resources we get on the hunt. We can also learn how to fuck if we want to. Useful tools. Oh, we can? Ooh, perhaps... Perhaps...

Is it time to learn the ancient ways? In a little bit of tender lovemaking. Okay. So as we've begun building the organ grinder, the skinnery, and the bonesmith, Freddie, you're saying Bufo would like to consume the love juice? Bufo, while staring at the orb, is looking for a frothy draft to quench his thirst. All those orb ponderings made me thirsty. Yeah, so Bufo consumes the love juice. Mm.

Okay. Unwittingly. I was saving that for later, someone says from the settlement. For today, I guarantee it. The love juice tonight. So you must nominate. I guess it's only fair that Poovoke can nominate which survivor. Matt's found the page called Intimacy. Which has a very cute illustration on there. They said just two people cuddling. It says nominate one consenting male or female. I think we just do just any consenting people. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Nominate one consenting survivor, Freddie. Who consents? None of us. None of us.

I'm not having Beth consent. Mommy Daddy would like to have sex with Son of Bufo. All right, you two have at it. Son of Bufo. I'll tell you what to do. I drink the love juice. Check this out. I got this great idea. No, no, buddy. Mommy Daddy will consent. Bufo is doing it. Yeah. Bufo is overchanging. Bufo drank the juice and he will get the fruits of the labor.

Bufo stares Mommy, Daddy, not interested in Bufo as a person, but deciding that for Anita's survival, looking at how we already lost one survivor and we only have ten others says, sure. Bufo thinks that the game of being like, have you seen this sick orb

I have. He's like, that looks like I'm a real five minutes into pondering the orb and he looks at you like this. All right, Freddy, I'll let you ponder and chill. I will let you roll an intimacy table to see how you do. I'm rolling a D10. Yep. To see how I do on the 70.

The settlement gains one population. The male and female survivors share a deep bond and gain plus 10 survival each. What? Now our max is two. For having sex once? Have you ever had sex once? For our max virginity, I became bulletproof. Our max survival is only two.

So we essentially maxes out your survival more or less. Oh man. If we had the settlement innovation bed, we gained plus one permanent strength after having sex, but we don't have beds yet. We just did it on the fucking stone faces. Dude. His nose is digging in my hip. The first time your settlement gives birth to a new survivor, gain one population. Oh, I think we can name this one for me. What's our child's name? All right. Wait,

Mama Bufo. Okay, no, no, right? Three, two, one. Mama Bufo. Son of Bufo II. Son of Bufo.

Son of Bufo. You know what it is? Bufo Jr. Mama Bufo Jr. Mama Bufo Jr. In Italian. Mama Bufo Jr. That sounds like a, hey, that sounds like, you know what I mean? That's like Mufaletta. Mama Bufo. You know what I mean? Bufo de Beppo. What about that? Bufo de Beppo. Bufo de Beppo. Bufo de Beppo. Nickname? Bufo de Beppo. No. Name? Bufo de Beppo. Bufo de Beppo. Okay. Our child's name is Bufo de Beppo. This is how Matt named Dorothy. No. Dorothy. Okay.

Now the new principle of life. Life. Let us see. Wait, do you do the fucking Lion King with Bufo de Beppo? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, let's see. The group must choose how we raise their young. Oh. Without mercy, the toys are taken from the child and replaced with cold stone face shard. Training begins immediately. Oh, shit. With affection, the snowman embraces the child with warm arms. Nurturing new life is their highest calling. Boom!

Do we want to be Sparta or not Sparta? I want to be not Sparta. I think the parents get to determine it. What do you think, Matt? Well, Bufo, honey.

When I look at this baby, all I can see is you. That makes me really angry. Now we can do with affection. With affection, I think. We're eating. I like being affectionate cannibals. Yeah. Yeah, okay. We're complicated people. We're so complicated. I say with affection. So we got protect the young. This is just being cynical because the more they love their parents, the more they'll listen to us. Children are the teacher. Freddie. Yes. Roll a d10 for me. I roll a d10 to determine something.

Seven. Another seven. The children is raised by the entire settlement and endowed with the hopes and the wisdom of all the newborn survivor gains plus two understanding and the strategist fighting art. We are making smart children. Yes. Smart warrior children. Freddie, fill out the character sheet of our child. You got it.

This is like the birth certificate. That's what they don't tell you in Lamaze class. So yeah, that's a lot about stats. Well, you got to make your new character. Dr. Jess. Here you go. Go fill out Dr. Jess. They don't have anything special. Bufo de Bapo. I just need to write Dr. Jess on this piece of paper. Yes. And then survival of one. Done it. Survival of one. Survival of one. I'm going to call a retcon here and say that Dr. Jess is our first non-binary survivor. Okay. Let's see what we can actually make here.

Bufo, hero of the hunt, allows his underlings to do their whatever the fuck they're doing. From these, these are like tech trees. Next time we can use endeavors to build like the leather worker or the weapon crafter. The bullet farmer. We need armor. We need weapons. We need weapons more than anything because you have no weapons. Yeah, we need some webs. Here are the weapons we can purchase for the bonesmith and then the skinnery.

Oh, there's a delightful little shopping list here. Matt has sleeved a bunch of extra cards. These are about three inches by three inches, and they are weapon-like cards. What is the fucking channel where they sell all the stuff online? QVC. QVC. So, yeah, this is like QVC for fucking bone weapons. We have a lovely bone pickaxe today. Now, look at the beautiful, beautiful stats on this.

It's a 1, 8 plus 2. There's also the bone sickle, the bone axe, the bone blade, the bone club, the bone dagger, bone darts, and the skull helm. Now, I love a skull helm because I already have a skull, and I've always thought, what if I had an extra? What if I had two skulls? You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we have three bones. So Anthony still has his... I still got my... My best still has her... My founding stone. So I feel like it would be fair for each of us. And also, like, Freddie and I did literally, like, add to the population. Bufo was, in fact, the hero of the hunt. Yeah. So I think we can each get Bufo and Mama Daddy and... Sorry, say the full name. Bufo, legend of the hero of the hunt. Hero of the hunt. Thank you. My husband. My husband.

We are the most insufferable couple. Okay, we're going to spend these three bones to buy some weapons. All right. So essentially for one bone each, we can get a dagger, a blade, or a dart. You can also get an axe because you got a lot of organs. Yeah, I'm going to buy an axe with an organ. Sorry, I'm taking it. I birthed a child. I get fucking... That's true. That's fair. Dr. Jess needs a weapon to operate with. So Dr. Jess is going to take a bone dagger. Okay. The scalpel. I'll take the bone blade. Okay.

Mix it up. Mix it up. We got three hides. If you would like to get some clothing. And I think Beth gets a. Yeah, Beth gets a vest. Okay, you're gonna get a vest. Yeah. We can do two more vests or gloves or whatever. I think we should get two headbands. Headbands. Because they protect the head. I'll take a headband. I'll look at Bufo and be like, you decide. Would you like to take the headband or would you like your wife to take the headband? Oh dear, you may have the headband. I need not such trifling things for my head is full.

knowledge from the orb. It is veritably burgeoning from orb-based knowledge. I'm fucking good, dog.

Okay. Dr. Jess's headband takes the form of like a surgery mask. Oh, very good. Very cool. No. The only thing here is stone faces and lanterns, William. There is no humor in the world of Kingdom Death. Have we discovered viruses and bacteria? Have we discovered PPEs?

No. Wait, protective pee-pees? Yeah. We have discovered pee-pees. They're called ding-dongs in this world. The organ things, we can also get stuff. Ooh. So we can get a fecal salve, which is scraping some of the poop from the monster. It is item, bomb, and stinky. Ours is names or it's whatever code words. Attributes. Attributes. Yeah.

Keywords. That's the word. When you depart, you gain plus one survival. And you can use an action to make it so you're not a threat. Like you're putting the monster poop on you so they don't smell you. A potent camouflage. Let's do that. Let's do that. Let's get some shit. Or just really quick, or you can get the monster grease. We can either do two fecal salves.

Or one monster grease. Monster grease gains one evasion. What is evasion? You can grease yourself up. Evasion is minus accuracy on the monster. I think that poop is better. I want two poops. Two poops. We only have two. Okay, two poops. You guys spoke. You can get a poop. I'll take a poop. Beth can get the other poop. Beth takes a poop as well. Beth gets a poop and a vest. What a day for Beth. All right, so we bought a bunch of new gear. So now the settlement decides what quarry. Quarry. Quarry. Quarry.

i want to with the gorm i want to fight the gorm we must fight the god we fight gorm so we choose the four survivors that go buffo hero of well i can't you can't go you're bothering the orb buffo de beppo go look at this that was a baby surely buffo de beppo can't go no mama daddy who believes in as we've decided protecting the young decides that's

that the safest place is to be at her side. Grabs Bufo de Pepo and puts her on her back like piggyback ride and looks at her husband, I guess, and goes... He's not looking. He's looking at the orb. Yeah.

Not now, babe. The orb's on. Now, babe. Orb. Bufo. Legend of the hunt. Hero of the hunt. Hero of the hunt, my dear. Me and your son shall go consume. Whatever. Look at the orb. Paging Dr. Jess to the hunt. Dr. Jess is going to go on the hunt as well. Okay. Beth will also go. Oh, no. No epic words to sign us out of this episode. Okay. So Beth goes...

Damn. Next time, we shall fight the Gorm. Dungeons & Daggers is Matt Arnold, Anthony Birch, Will Campos, Beth May, and myself, Freddie Wong. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Cindy Denton is our merch manager. Esther Els is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Support independent creators like us directly and hear episode two and three of Kingdom Dad Monster and much more on our Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads.

And if you're in the U.S., come join us this summer on our live tour, Dungeons & Daddies, the Areas Tour, Feet Taylor Swift. No music venue will put that on the marquee, but you know and we know that's the official name of the tour. We got dates and locations all up and down the East Coast and in the Midwest.

on our website, dungeonsanddaddies.com. Check it out. Tickets available now. Merch and stuff is at store.dungeonsanddaddies.com. Season three, the Peachyville Horror, DM'd by the man, the myth, the legend, Will Campos himself, is coming at you in just two short weeks. May 7th. Mark your calendars. We'll see you then.