S2 Ep. 50 - Larry the Capable Guy 01:08:45

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Sounds freaking sweet, Lois.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Check it out! The Blow Hogan Experience. Train by day! Blow Hogan podcast! Wow, shucks. Thanks, Blow Hogan. I don't know if I could live up to that intro. Um, yeah, so, I mean, me and my friends, we all snuck into heaven because we're trying to get our friend the doodler out. A real asshole named Willie Stampler stole them, and Willie's like God now. That's why I'm... Oh, yeah.

Well, okay, once I don't know if that's true. Why does it matter if I'm vaccinated or not?

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, instead a loose... A Citizen's Podcast. A Citizen's Podcast. You're under arrest. I'm performing a Citizen's Podcast about you. We were discussing Citizen's Arrest right before we started recording. This is not a Citizen's Arrest podcast, nor is it a Sovereign Citizen podcast. It's a Star Citizen podcast about the new Bethesda RPG. This is... Oh, that's Starfield, William. Oh no, Star Citizen's the other

one. A star citizen is in second grade when you do your best behavior and you get a star. This is Dungeons & Dragons podcast about four teens from our world. Psych. They're from another world, but they're back in our world trying to fix all the mistakes that their grandparents made. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the tiefling rogue, the sneakiest of the sneaks.

That's who I play. Okay. Castor of Darkness. Is Taylor, like, really a tiefling? No. Well, I said him as tiefling because it's like his dad is half, right? Yeah, it's like Ron wasn't a tiefling, but he was a tiefling. Oh, I see. No, but you're right. You actually are, like, half demon. Like, you actually are like a quarter demon. So I'm so cool. Quarter demon. Do you have, like, does Taylor have, like, a little tail? Oh, not yet. That hasn't hit puberty yet.

He hasn't hit puberty yet? Well, no, hold on. We're getting all the Taylor lore mixed up. Wow, I'm digging deep. I suck a load here. You're right, you're right, you're right. He hasn't hit demon puberty. He's hit human puberty, but then demon puberty comes up a little later. They all start growing where they weren't before. Demon puberty hits at 19, you know?

That crazy year. All right. Taylor's teen fact for this week. As we left Taylor, he's now faced with the task of talking to a guy to convince him to change his name. Taylor is no stranger to door-to-door salesmanship. He did the chocolate. You remember that? Band candy. Band candy. He had to sell for his baseball team.

he got all hyped up to go do it. And then he was just like, all right, mom, I'm going to go. She's like, no, I'll just, I'll just buy it all. He's like, okay. So that's his entire salesman experience, which is his mom stepped in to buy all the candy he was going to sell. Well, you just fucked yourself out of getting persuasion advantage. I wasn't going to get it anyway, motherfucker. I wasn't going to get it anyway because I'm true to my character. I yield the remainder of my time. Hey, watch it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Hey, everybody. I'm Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee, Wilson, Oaks, Garcia, Marlo, Close. Wait, Swift? I think Swallows is in there somewhere, too. Swallows is in there. Hermie, what's Hermie's last name? He's dead. He certainly is. Yep. Anyways, he's the schooled-at-home soccer kid who became the protective paladin of the group. Really, really simple. I just want to get into the episode. I just want to have some.

fun so just simple fact also because i feel like the latest facts and i'm pretty dark for link so i just want to say that again link wakes up really early so he can play soccer and he also sneaks into his dad's rooms and he cleans up

He just cleans up for them every single morning. Are they sleeping? Yeah. Yeah. He just like, he strains out of the room. And Marco and Grant both think the other one does it. Like neither of them know that Lincoln always comes into the room and like puts their clothes away and wipes down their bed. Cause he just wants to show the dad that he's like a little. Huh? Yeah.

Pops down the counter, you know, whatever. That's not what you said. Do you move watering into your parents bedroom first thing in the morning? I agree. Nothing's happened yet, but you never know. But yeah, my marriage is not going well. My grandpa will just think it's like, man, Grant, that's so nice. He's single handedly keeping the marriage together. Yeah. Without that, it'd be gone. That's the only thing is, but yeah, that's what he does. Wow. Sweet kid. Oh, that's very cute. Okay. I ask really quick, just as a procedural question, does he use like the disposable Swiffer

Also, like, Mark on Groundhorn Animals, what do you think the actor's actually just, like, throws stuff on the ground? Anybody who has kids, like, you never know when your kid's going to walk into your room. Yeah. Does he use, like, the disposable Swiffers, or does he use, like, reusable towels? Is he green, you know? Oh, he's not green at all. Oh, yeah, he uses, like, the Lysol wipes. Yeah, they definitely are both, like, we have a lot of laundry going on. Look at these towels. There's so many towels in the laundry. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play normally Lee Oaks, Wallace Garcia, the unworthy, close Marlo Wilson character.

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. He's a perky, peppy, chipper, cheery, school's favorite mascot kid. Fun fact about Normal this week. I had another one planned, but inspired by Freddie's band candy story. I feel like Normal's also deep into the band candy game. I think it was an opposite thing. Normal talked a huge game about...

He was like, I'm going to sell so much of this shit. I'm going to fucking move so much product and like got in way too deep and has like an order of like 50,000 band candy chocolates, like just dangling over his head. And he's just been fucking duck. He can't sell to anybody. And it's like not vegan chocolate. So his parents won't even buy it off of him. So he's just been like fucking in debt. That's his student debt. That's so funny. That's so funny. He took it alone from the bank.

under his dad's name. He used his dad's name and his fucking social security card to rack up a huge loan his parents don't know anything about, and he's got just a huge crate of band candy sitting under the house. He's trying to figure out how to flip it. Damn, and that's why our merch drawer is down. Yes, yes, it was SCP, sell candy, please. It was the merch drawer.

Hi, I'm Beth May, and I play Scary Marlow, a goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks. Scary's currently playing Larry, the science kid. Larry fact. Larry fact. I'll do a Larry fact. Was that supposed to rhyme with scary? Yeah. Oh, that's really cool. I like that. Beth is a poet, Will. Also an important lore question. She'll steal her stinium.

Is there like a real Larry that she's replicating? Like she's like, oh, I'm going to pretend to be Larry. I'll let you behind the curtain for a moment. Larry is based solely on a tweet that Freddie just saw, but it's been in my mind for a while now because this tweet is so heinous and it's a reply tweet to Elon Musk.

And I base Larry completely on that. Okay. But still, is it a kid in the school? No, Larry's not. Okay. Yeah. Why? We don't know. Just, I don't know. Maybe Anthony would bring the real- We're not going to be shocked if we see Larry here. That's what I mean. Like, maybe Anthony would bring the real Larry. And then that'd be a- I think that headed him off at the pass. Yeah. That could have been. That could have been. That would have been a funny joke to bring in later on, but I'm glad you preemptively anti-improved me. And then you could have had a classic, like, which one do I shoot moment. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. What a fun episode that would have been.

Which one do I shoot? One is scary. Another is the kid Larry we all know. Which one do we shoot? What a dilemma. This is the lore behind Larry. Elon Musk tweeted, I don't like the taste or effects of most alcohol, but there is something quite beautiful about red wine in a fine glass. God.

Somebody replied to Elon saying, I remember pouring you a glass at a friend's house in SF after another mutual friend's wedding in 17. I was decanting another. You didn't want to wait. Honey badger drinks when he wants. I made the clutch move of ordering us pizza at 1am. And I'm like, that

too hilarious. Dude, Larry rules. A piece of shit. Yeah. This kid has different flavor than I thought. How did he go from that to he'd be like, he's the science kid. I don't remember. But, um, okay, so fun fact, but that's how scary this week is that before the release of her hit album that is now available, Sophomore Slump. Available on our Patreon and for digital download at patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. And Pirate Bay. Yeah.

Is it? Before that, Scary actually had the idea of writing a musical, a soft boy musical, but then realized that was just Dear Evan Hansen. Got him. Fucking got him. Fun fact about Larry is that Larry's favorite show is The Big Bang Theory. Yeah.

Not because it's so funny, which it is, but because it deals with an important scientific principle.

What's the name of Larry's album? When's Larry's album coming out? It's called A Theory of Everything. Yes. Love it. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Hi, dad. I'm only realizing now at the end of the series, I probably should have come up with something other than I'm your dad. Like I'm your chaperone or something. No, you're still our dad. Teens have dads. Yeah, I guess so. It's actually more fitting that you're our dad. Yeah, it would have been like, but dads have dads too. So if anything, it shows the difference between the relationship of the audience. But like in the first season, you were saying, I'm your dad. You're talking to the audience like I'm your dad.

Yeah. Here, you're saying it to us. Yeah. It's nice and close. I like it. I like that you're my dad. You adopted all of us. Yeah, you adopted us. That's true. I guess I'm feeling a little weird about this episode because it might be the final episode and it might not be. Wait, what? What? What the fuck? Well, I don't know because you guys, depending on how this fight goes, depending on what you do with Willie, who knows? It might be delighted. There's so much I think I need to do. I don't know. And that's like your teenage years. They just hit you. It just happens. As we

One day you had your last sleep over that whole thing. Yeah.

When we last left the group, you were basically in a multi-pronged... I feel like I'm challenged. I'm going to do everything I can to make this the last episode. No, you're not. Anything should be the opposite. Just fucking stretch that shit out. Like taffy, baby. When we last left you, you were part of a multi-pronged assault on heaven. Fuck yeah, that sounds so sick, dog. That's such a kind way of saying it. So much more deliberate than what happened. Norman Link used alternating hover boots and Destiny-style clipping-into-the-wall jumping puzzles

In order to get up to the wall of heaven where they are currently standing, they can see. We're sitting on a wall. That's part of the attack. Perimeter secure. Yeah. Scary is disguised herself as Larry, the science kid who is currently got in good with Willie, who really admires the way that Larry is just completely subservient to him and his knowledge of the periodic table. Yep.

Taylor is currently in an ocean of paperwork and has just found the name Vincent Spellfeather on a particular piece of paper and is planning to convince Vincent Spellfeather because only the person whose name is on the piece of paper can change the name to Willie Stampler so that he can subvert the caller that is around dude that reads

I have to follow Willie Sampler's instructions to the letter. And there's another Willie Sampler's alive because Willie Sampler killed all the other Willie Samplers. Yes. All of the Willie Samplers. Including a baby that was just named Willie Sampler. Cause he's the bad guy. He absorbed them at the very least in the angels. Maybe they're not dead. Maybe all the babies are fine. Oh, you're saying maybe he has all the power, just like in Jet Li's the one. So yeah, I guess you're still all separated. We're still technically in three different parties. So I leave it to you who we would like to,

pick up with first so the last thing that happened was the stinky boys made it to the top of the wall uh scary that's right you're stinky now too yeah can we see taylor seal team stink sure can we just like watch out for taylor specifically like in the harry potter movies when it looks really dumb when they like teleported they like the kids that teleported while they kind of like walk in the air like slowly floating down to the ground can we do that can we just walk down to what the fuck are you talking about no i know i know exactly what you're talking about on

Unfortunately, I know that it's in the fourth Harry Potter movie and it's like when they're, they touch the port key and the adults are able to like run through the air, but they still like hella stupid and the kids just slam into the ground. Yeah, the CG is like clearly they're just running on a treadmill on a green screen and they just kind of like levitate them down to the ground. I'm just like, can we just like float, walk to Taylor is my point. You could do it. You would have to pass a stealth check to get past the angels that are currently floating over heaven looking everywhere like a bunch of security cameras. I was just about to ask what the angel situation is.

Yeah, what's going on? Paint the picture. They're currently in the throne of God where Willie is sitting. There are eight angels surrounding him and the doodler. Everywhere else around heaven, there are scattered angels here and there basically looking back and forth like security cameras in a Metal Gear Solid game. So wherever you go, you're going to have to be a little bit sneaky to avoid getting spotted by the angels. All right. Well, we just avoid it. Okay. Okay.

I'm like in all those games. It's really easy to just avoid it. You just wait for them to look away. Yeah. What's up, Norm? So it feels like Taylor's got something going on. Yeah, I see him over there. He's got like a paper. He looks pretty excited. Yeah, I don't know what that's about, but it looks great. I haven't seen scary. I don't know where scary is. There's a cool team talking to Willie. I don't know what that's about, but it feels like you and I don't have anything going on. I mean, what do you mean? Norm, we got into Evan. I mean, but we're just kind of sitting.

We just got here. I just need a rest. It's like, fine. Okay. Well, let's go to... It looks like Taylor's got something. We've got to get to Taylor. Should we go find out what Taylor's got going on? I was just going to be like, you know, we could also figure out something to have going on if you want to do that. Or we could just get in on whatever Taylor's got going on. I mean, I'm looking around. It looks like Willie's pretty strong over there. And it looks like angels are everywhere. I feel like...

the sooner we can all get together. And I mean, I want to find scary. We can all wear scary. Yeah. Maybe Taylor knows her scary. Oh yeah. Cause that's all the names. And like, there's a lot of names there, but I think I remember again, like Chester and his wife taught me a few things. So like maybe I'll teach you. I mean, honestly, just like, just like really thinking about,

yourself and like what you really want to do with your life because like they've lived for a long time really how long have you lived for i mean forever as far as i'm concerned i would think activity i'll tell you that much yeah yeah anyways like they seem happy even though all they do is just read paper i was like that's a big deal yeah what's up are you happy well no of course not that's a silly question nobody's happy i mean have you been happy before do you think

I mean, there's like moments when like, I'm like kicking a soccer ball or like you guys say that something was cool. I did that. Like, I feel like pretty cool. So like, that's good. That's happy. So, well, that's a heavy question in heaven. Like we're in heaven, right? Yeah. Okay. Is this by, we don't have much going on. Is this what you mean? Cause like we could, we gotta go.

I don't know, I just feel like you're like, you know, I just, I know we got a lot going on, but you know, I just want to get in there sometimes and dig around and see what's going on. No, I appreciate that. No, no, it's totally cool. I think it's something I'm going to have to deal with. Yeah, I don't know. Anyway, here's what we're going to do. You know, like if there's like a, like you have like a dinner party, your dad's having a dinner party and you like drop a glass and it's broken and you're like, I guess I could probably fix this glass, but it's going to take a long time. I definitely can't do it at the dinner party. So like, I'm definitely like that glass. Wow. I'm broken.

How many pieces do you think you're broken into? I'm writing this down. This is really interesting. I don't know, but we got like a dinner party. You're right. We got to get back to the dinner party. We'll figure it out later. Honestly, we'll probably just throw it in the trash because who cares about fixing a glass? So let's go. Let's go find Taylor. I want to give you this. What is it? I pull out a sticker from my pocket and it's a sticker. I love stickers. I love stickers.

Just a little kind of sticker of an octopus. People say kids stop liking stickers after the age of five, but I disagree. I'm always down for a sticker. This is the talk-topus. And anytime you want to talk to me, you just show me the sticker. I need a sticker to talk to you? We'll check in on this. Okay.

Okay. You can put the sticker on something or just leave it on the sleeve. Why did I lose the sticker? Can I still talk to you? You can still do you. Oh, just tell me you lost the talk to post, but you want to talk. Okay. Okay. That sounds good. Just, you know, but there, there it is. All right. All right. Well, let's go find Taylor. Yeah. Let's let's hover down. So you hover down to the surface of heaven. Oh, shoot. We were supposed to stealth and stuff. Oh, before I do that, Anthony, I want to, I was like, maybe while we're talking to give you an opportunity to self right there, but yeah, I was going to say while all that was going on, normal was also reconnoitering to see if I could memorize the

So you were half listening to your friend. Are you happy or what? So, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, here's the sticker. Talk to the sticker whenever you want to talk to me. I'm busy. I wanted to be there for link, but I also wanted to look like I was in casual conversation for any suspicious angels going around while also trying to clock like what, like their little scouting patterns might be. So we can expect link was also only half listening. I was also scouting. Yeah.

All right. Combined, I think that means both of you get an either a perception or investigation check if you want. Okay. Okay. To catch their patterns. I got a 21. Wow. I got a 20. Wow. Okay, so great. So it means you're going to get an advantage on this. We get to both percept and invest what's going on. Yes, we exactly know what's happening. You can roll advantage on your stealth check to get past the angels. Both of us are trying to pretend like we weren't.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we're both like, yeah, yeah, let's just be sneaky. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we're both pretending like we weren't doing that. I got 19 stealth. Ooh, good thing I rolled that advantage. I got 12. Without advantage. With a 19 stealth, you managed to pass without trace past the angel's link. With your 12 normal, you begin to pass without trace through the clouds of heaven, but you stumble on a slightly harder cloud.

and you face plant on the ground and if you stay still there's a chance they won't see you but their angel is now looking directly in your area and there's sort of fog of a cloud rolling over you and it's right in your eye don't move don't move come on without me no i'm gonna look around for like live a happy life what i mean talk to us to someone you love share your feelings okay oh well go find taylor i'll be fine okay stop okay i'll do all those things i promise

Shut up. Stay still. And I'll go do those things. Okay. Wink. And then I'm face planted on the ground. I can't look up. Did you just say wink or did you wink so loud? It sounded like you said, I said it cause I knew you weren't looking at me. So you wouldn't see my angels that are around like me and Willie. They are the same type of angel, but they are not literally those angels. There are eight angels that are stationary around you and Willie. There are other angels around heaven that are just patrolling. I want to look for something that I can throw to distract the angel.

Okay, what kind of stuff do you think you might find in heaven? Oh, I know what I'm going to do. The seven people you throw in heaven. I'm going to turn on, if that's how it works, I'm going to take off my hover boot now that we're on the ground. Okay. I'm going to turn on full blast, just trying to get to that 20-foot range, you know? And I'm pushing it down, you know, like two magnets against each other. I'm pushing it against like a 45-degree angle somewhere, some pillar. I'm just going to let it go so the boot goes and goes like flying.

Okay, sure. That's fine. Yeah. So you find an alabaster pillar and you push the, um, you push the booth of levitation against it. And just like you said, it's magnetized in a way it's trying to resist the urge to touch. It really wants to get 22 in the air. It's got those LA lights on it too. So yeah, yeah, yeah. I am shooting it like right past the angel. So like flies past it. That's great. So give me an advantaged dexterity check to make sure it doesn't like slip out of your hands while you're trying to do this. Can I do strength? Cause it's like, yeah. Yeah. Cause it's hard.

Because it's strong. Actually, I do dexterity because I'm better at dexterity. Yeah, I mean, my thing is more sensitive. Good save, Matt. Good save, dude. It's an 11. Oh, I got advantage of it, right? You said? Hell yeah. Because it's a good idea. It's a 14. Okay, so I think a 14 will send the boot of levitation way into the distance. So now you've lost that boot of levitation for good because it disappears into the clouds. But at the very least, the motion passing past the angel's field of view makes it go and it turns and follows that

In that moment, normal is going to scurry into where Link is into a great hiding space. You are together now hiding against the alabaster. I like the idea that the angel is like, what was that? What was that noise? Must have been a boot. Must have been nothing. Must have been a boot of levitation. So now there is basically a clear shot between you and the ocean of paper. If you want to try to get to Taylor.

Do we see Taylor? Yeah. Taylor is currently like top tier stealth within the ocean because he landed so properly. You hear perhaps a whisper of Taylor. Taylor is just a phantasm, a ghost in the machine. You hear him in the rustling of the pages. Taylor's a ghost? Between the lines. No. I want to put my lips up to- You hear a whisper of Taylor? Like, Taylor. I want to put my lips up to the shore of the paper.

Okay. Your lips? Yeah, like I'm going to whisper into, like, you know, like you're whispering into the water. I'm going to whisper. Yeah, you know that thing we all do? You know when you whisper into the water? Were you an old woman who lost her husband at sea 40 years ago? And I go, and I go, and I go. Bring him back to me. And I go, anime is not a real art form.

All right. Now you have to make a disadvantage stealth role, Taylor. I want to call him to us. I want to fight because he's in this Pacific Ocean of people. You're going to hear it no matter what, but it's a wisdom saving throw to see if you can stop yourself from freaking the fuck out and making a really loud noise. Natural one. Okay. Oh, no. From across the ocean. What? What?

Taylor goes super saiyan and watches into the sky. You see, you know how like Bugs Bunny when he goes under the ground and it's like that. You just see a mound of paper. Something's coming, Link. And then all of a sudden, all of a sudden the mound disappears and they go,

Nothing personal, kid. And I'm right behind you. I have a knife up to your throat. Oh my God. You say that one more time. And you screamed loudly. So the angel who got distracted by the boot then immediately like, exclamation point of beers above its head. I go normal and I go boot because you have a boot too. I'm not.

All right, I'm going to try to do the boot thing. I mean, it is looking directly in your location, so you're going to get a disadvantage. I'm going to try to blind it for a second. Hit it! Hit it! I'm going to try to yeet my boot into its eye. Okay, make a range attack. What's funny about this is that this is a, what, like a specifically accuracy-related foot thing. It's too bad that, Matt, you're not doing that. Oh, yeah. I got an 11. Okay, so with an 11... I go, get a load of this! Yeah! And I shoot the boot at it. The boot goes...

and just kind of like bounces off of its eye and it just like narrows its eye at you and starts pursuing you. It's coming at you. Its pupil begins to dilate and enlarge and you can tell that it is going to try to swallow you into itself. Hold hands and let's just swim. Like if there's bees attacking you, you go in the water.

Into the papers, everybody. Hold hands so we don't get lost. Okay, great. You disappear into the ocean of papers, much like your money should disappear into the products and services that are offered by all the lovely companies that advertise with us, dungeonsanddaddies.com.

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That's 50% off your first month at K I W I C O.com. Promo code daddies. Wait, can the angel go on the, you're about to find out. Oh, okay. So yeah, go ahead and roll initiative, please. 20. Wow. I get plus three initiative. Uh,

21. That's good. We're on the same team, bro. 14. Congratulations. You can say the biggest number. Is that from something? It's a succession. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's really good. So, Taylor, you get to go first. You can sort of sense that the angel is scanning the surface of the ocean of paperwork trying to find you and that on its turn it is going to make a

a check basically to find you. And if it succeeds, it is going to start attacking you. Is it just observation? Is this how this angel is finding me? Yeah. It's just looking with the big ass eye. Okay. Okay. So I'm going to hold my breath and sink deeper into the papers. Okay. I'm like, it feels like that's a constitution saving throw to see if you can disappear under the paper without losing your breath.

4 plus 3, 7. Okay, so you immediately... Oh, I breathe in a bit of confetti. I'm like, cat, cat! Yeah, you get a paper cut in your throat. Oh, no! That's real. That happens. I'm going to say that was your movement if you want to try to do something else. Okay, in that case... But he still went further down, but he made noise. I'm going to do panache. I'm going to roll panache, an action that I have. As an action, I can make a persuasion check contested by a creature's insight check. Okay. On

On success, a hostile creature has disadvantage on attack rolls against targets and can't make opportunity attacks on targets other than me for a minute until one of my allies engages it or gets more than 60 feet. If it isn't hostile, it's charmed, but it sounds like it's hostile. It is hostile. I'm rolling a persuasion against your insight. Yes. And I've rolled a 11.

I rolled a six. So what is it you do or say to convince it that it wants to attack you above anybody else? I go, our father, our lord in heaven, thy kingdom come, thy will be done. Okay. I say the lord's prayer. Apparently it hates the lord's prayer. And I cross myself. No, because then it's just like, this guy checks out. Oh, you're trying to get it to not attack you. On the success of hostile creatures, disadvantage on attack rolls against target. Right. But it sounds like he also can't

do opportunity attacks against anybody other than you, which sounds like he's got his focus on you. He's got his focus on me because I'm clearly one of God's creatures. You're one of God's children, yeah. So God's children are not for sale and he's confused by using the Lord's Prayer. So if he does try to attack you, he'll have disadvantage. Correct. And or track anybody else. Oh, no, and really quick, sorry. He can't do opportunity attacks against other people. Correct, correct, correct, correct. All right.

All right, Link, it is your turn. Are we like underwater? Like, how are you moving in this? Yeah, I feel like we like sinking. Imagine it's like the ocean. You're underwater. You're not sinking naturally unless you like, you know, empty your lungs. Yeah. So it's kind of like magical money. Yeah. Yes. Very much so. Because I have freedom of movement. So the angel hasn't gone yet. Right. The angel is still looking for you. OK, I'm going to try to sink lower, too. I mean, I'm essentially holding on to Taylor. So I'm following him.

And then we're going to cast Freedom of Movement on Normal, which is you touch a willing creature, I'm assuming you're willing, for the duration of the target. Huh? Target's movement is unaffected by difficult terrain, spells, and other magical effects can either reduce the target's speed. The target can also spend five feet of movement to automatically escape any non-magical restraints, but also...

being underwater and poses no penalties on the target's movement or attack. So I feel like however we were moving, he can essentially just walk. Yeah, he just moves at normal speed. Normal suddenly remembers the two years of synchronized swimming he did. Nice. And also, just so that for once, I've done the fucking work. I feel like you did those alone, too. You know, I think they did 1812 Overture and normal was the cannonball.

And for you D&D heads, I know the components are a leather strap bound around the arm or a similar appendage. That's my leather shin guard is my component. Great. This is how I know components are bullshit, by the way, is that Baldur's Gate 3, the fucking crunchiest D&D game of all time, does not use them. Okay, so that was your whole turn? Yeah, I mean, I moved in the same direction that

- Okay, so you move in the same direction, then you cast freedom of movement on normal. - Yeah. - All right, it's now the angel's turn. So the angel heard the Lord's prayer from this basic direction and is going to make a perception check to see if he can spot you. He got a natural 20. - Oh no! - So it's going to zoom down and specifically target Taylor because that's what it heard last. And it is going to try to enmesh you in its eyelashes. So he's gonna roll an attack against you with disadvantage. What is your AC? - My AC is 12.

So it only got a nine. So you managed to bear, you managed to barely evade its grasp or you managed to, you know, like fight off its eyelashes with your fists. But now it's basically close enough to the ocean that it can see effectively that you are holding hands and that you're all connected in one spot. So when it's turn comes around again, it's not going to have to search for you. It's just going to attack you.

All right, now it is normal's turn. Normal's gonna cast blindness on the eye. Oh, great. No zany spin on it. Yeah. Just a spell. Just a normal spell. Is there a save or anything I have to do, or? Make a constitution saving throw. If it fails, the target is either blinded or deafened for the duration. It saved. Damn! Damn it! Does anything happen when it saves? Uh, no. I fucking hate D&D. Hey! Hey!

Hey, DM. You can say whatever you want, baby. You're the one in charge. I mean, I don't think it worked. I am a slave to the dice. You know that. The spell flew at his eye and then the, you know, kind of like the- He just blinked at the right time. Yeah. Whoa. Blinked it away. That is, by the way, how it works. Maybe he has like an eyelash in his eye and it's like really annoying. It's like, ow. It can like articulate his other eyelashes so he has to like, and like pick it out. Oh God, weird. It's great. Love it. All right, Taylor, it's your turn again.

Okay, so my sense is really quick. This is a powerful creature, right? Yeah. Yeah. I was wondering, like, if we just kept swimming down, could it swim? We'll find out. You could find out, yeah. Right now you're at the surface. Normal's also going to use his extra movement to plunge down deeper into the... Great. Do I need to make a constitution saving throw? Is that what we're doing for this? No, I think he's got freedom of movement. Like, you just do it.

Can we breathe down here? You know, if you were submerged under a bunch of papers, like. Well, you can breathe in that ball pit. You can still breathe. Yeah. I think you specifically don't have to worry about holding your breath. I think the others do. Okay. Because you have freedom of movement. Nice. Don't worry, Freddie. I got another spell slot. You're getting that baby too. Meanwhile, Willie is like, I'll be right back. I'm going to go fuck Marilyn Monroe real quick. And then he like goes into his own heaven. Classic, dude. All right. Well, I'll be here when you get back. Cool.

Come back soon. Can you do something else while I'm like, I don't want you to just be sitting there waiting at the door. Oh, yeah, sure. I'll do whatever you want. Cool. Yeah, just look in the other direction. Oh, you're going to do it right. No, I'm not going to do it right here. I'm going to go into a room. I just don't want the idea of you staring at a door while I'm inside having sex. That's weird. I totally get you, bro. Yeah, I mean, it's like Kepler's law of planetary motion. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm looking at this elliptical orbit and you're over here. The sun, my man. Yeah.

He just silently, slowly closes the door behind him. And you hear horrible sounds of lovemaking. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second. Beth, doesn't that mean that the throne of heaven, a.k.a. the throne of God, is vacated at this moment in time? Yes. Interesting. Interesting indeed. All right. Do you want to get in the initiative order so we can play around with your scene as well? Dog cross scene initiative. New boundaries being broken all the time on this podcast. Go ahead and roll initiative for me, Beth.

I got an eight. Okay. Okay. Back to Taylor. Back to Taylor. For my bonus action. By the way, Willie's just masturbating, right? What?

he's having sex with a simulated version of Marilyn Monroe he just keeps saying Marilyn Monroe but he's just in there jerking off crying with my bonus action very quickly just tell my compatriots of the plan I'm like guys look here's the plan we know that dude's got a bracelet on that says Scott listen to Willie Sampler I found this guy Vince's spell feather okay tell us the plan basically we're gonna try and get this guy to change his name to Willie Sampler okay find him

Find him and convince him, my compatriots. And then I'm going to start swimming away from the group. Oh, okay. To split up. Hey! Hey, over here! Remember, I can only make opportunity attacks against me. Yep. So as you move away, it makes an opportunity attack against you with disadvantage. With disadvantage.

It got a 13. It's going to grab you around the ankle with one of its eyelashes. Okay. And it's going to start to pull you out of the ocean by your ankle. Taylor! First, I'm going to do a reaction. Okay. I'm going to do while wielding a shield, which we've already said my shin guards are shields. You did say use the component, though. Does that use up the shin guard? How many feet do you think I fucking have? Yeah, fuck me. Fair enough. You can see attacks on a target creature. Other than you, you can use your reaction to impose disadvantage on the attack roll. It already had disadvantage.

Oh. Double disadvantage. Yeah, is it a double disadvantage? How's that work? You know the rules. I think a disadvantage is just disadvantage. Typically, it's a disadvantage just to disadvantage. Okay. Well, I can't help you. Okay.

I'm still hanging on to you. I'm trying to swim away. I know. Well, I got to wait for my turn. So it's not your turn. I go swim free my sweet prince. And I use my other shin guard, I guess, because they get absorbed. And I give you freedom of movement, too, if you're going to run away. You already got grabbed by these sort of being picked up. I'm already getting picked up. He's already getting picked up. But if he does get free, he'll be able to get away a lot easier.

Just to clarify, he's getting picked up. Yeah. No magic spell. Just picked up. Physically. What is it? Like his eyelashes are grabbing him? Yes, his eyelashes are grabbing him. Because now, Freddy, you can just simply use movement to get out of it freely because anything that's non-magical constraints, you can get away from. How long does that last? One hour. Jesus. Okay. So next time, use magic, Anthony. Ha!

I'm doing, yes, I cast freedom of movement on you. I'm not going to swim away from you though. So I'm doing freedom of movement. And then, I mean, that's a whole action and I'm just staying within range. Oh, that's sick. Okay. So on your turn, you can move freely, but it's not your turn yet. So the angel still has to go. Hey, hey, you me idiot. And I look at the angel and say that. So it's going to see if it gets distracted by you.

Got a natural one. So it is distracted by you. Oh, good. So it has disadvantage against you because of what Taylor, because Taylor did the Lord's Prayer. So it's going to try to attack you with disadvantage.

Unfortunately, still with disadvantage, it still managed to get an 18. Okay. So it's going to lash you around the ankle as well with one of its eyelashes. And now normal, it is your turn and you're the only person who's not currently restrained and being pulled out of the ocean by the angel. I have a spell called locate creature. Okay. And it says, describe the name of a creature that is familiar to you.

You have his heaven paperwork. Yeah, you have the paperwork of his entire life. Okay, I look at the paperwork. What does it say? It basically gives you a biography of his entire life. Well, I gotta get familiar with him. So like, you know, when I show him how the business mail feather was born. Just to clarify, that paper tells you exactly where he is. Yeah. Oh, it does? Yeah, it's like literally Dewey Decimal System. That's how we found it. Oh, then I don't need to do the spell. Okay.

But I do like the idea that you want. But I am curious. What does it say, Anthony? How many gallons of piss did he get out? It's stats. He peed at least three swimming pools worth of piss in his lifetime. Wow. Is that a lot? I compare it to another one. Is that high or low? It's actually kind of low. He did not drink enough water. Probably why he died. Damn. Vincent Spellfeather was born in Faerun before Code Purple, before any of that stuff happened. He was a wizard who was trying to start his own wizarding school.

One swimming pool. One swimming pool. A small swimming pool. It's not as much as I would think. This guy's a piss legend. For a whole life. He tripled piss. He tripled piss. He was specifically a piss-centric. He was a pissard. He was trying to find different ways. He was a pissomancer. He was trying to find different ways of using urine to do magical things. And most of his experimentation involved drinking a lot of water and then seeing if he could manipulate the piss afterwards. Like do a piss elemental kind of thing. Oh, he's infusing the piss with his own body. Yeah. He also knew exactly how much he beat because he didn't fill up three pools. He owned three pools and filled them up.

Hey, let's go to the swim party. Not to the Spellweathers, though. Oh, man. I don't want to want to go to their house. Their pool smells weird. Of course, somebody pooled in my pee. So, yeah, nobody ever joined Vincent Spellfeather's School of Magic because of the smell. And he died alone and destitute. And he put all this money in. We'll find anybody.

If anything, I would assume that Normal found a kindred spirit. Normal's not the piss boy. Link's the piss boy. Oh, Link's the piss boy. You're right. He's not a piss boy. He pissed one outside. He's a piss man. All right. He's a piss man. I can't have this conversation again. Normal is going to, well, we know where he is. So you two are stuck. You two are stuck. Help us. Don't worry, dude. We got it. We got it in our career. I'm going to final cast blindness again. Second time's a charm. Boom.

Saved again, I'm so sorry. God damn it! Damn it. Dude, those lashes, the blinking. Yeah, just blink. Its upper lashes go and just knock the spell out of the air. We're back with scary. The throne of heaven is currently open. Dude is sitting next to it with their arms crossed. And next to the other side of it is Cassandra sitting there like Princess Leia in the original Star Wars poster. Okay. Making a sandwich on her lap. With a really upset look on her face. She's not psyched about it. I'm going to...

Eat the sandwich. I'm going to make another one. Oh, don't worry about making another one. I'll order delivery.

I'm gonna make the clutch move of ordering us pizza at 1:00 a.m. Willy will be back whenever, so I'll just make sure I have a menu of all his favorite spots ready to go. And I pull something out of my pocket. It is the Zine of Truth, and I'm going to cast non-detection on it. Okay, so non-detection does what? For the duration you hide a target that you touch from divination magic.

The target can be a willing creature or place or an object. The target can't be targeted by any divination, magic, or perceived through magical scrying sensors. Okay, so I'm going to interpret that as if Willie sees it, he's not going to know that it's magical. He's going to think it's a normal magazine. Yes. It looks like a journal. It looks like a journal. Can you make it look like Marilyn Monroe porno mag so it's more likely to grab it? Like, can you disguise the magazine? I mean, it seems like a stretch from what this is. Yeah. I mean, it's heaven. You could, like, find it Photoshop or something.

It's in heaven. Like a King Kong. I log into heaven Photoshop. Yeah, there's a computer station. Oh, you find it on top of the creative cloud. Oh, yes. Yeah. All right, inspiration for Taylor. You find the creative cloud. This cloud will cost 50 gold a month to use.

You know, you used to be able to just get a cloud. Isn't it fucked now that we got to pay this cloud every month? I write, Larry's totally rad compilation of best menus ever. Man, on the cover. Okay. But it looks great. Heaven forbid. World performance to see if it looks great. It's a 22. Wow. Okay, so it absolutely looks like a Zagat's Guide to all the best places to eat in heaven. Yep. That's it.

That is my turn. 110 restaurants in heaven. You need to try before you die. Oh, no. That's my turn. Okay. We're back to Taylor. Taylor, you are dangling from the lash. I'm going to use the power of freedom of movement. I'm going to spend five feet of movement to automatically escape from non-magical restraints. You slip through so very easily. Or a creature that has a grapple. And then in the air, I will then also...

Anthony, use my action elegant maneuver. I can use a bonus action on my turn to gain advantage on the next acrobatics or athletics check you make during the same turn. So in the air, I go, and I tuck, and I start doing backflips, and then I dive effortlessly into the water, and it's just like the tiniest splash. One single piece of paper goes...

up into the air. I will then proceed to use my movement to be like, and then like, uh, I'm going to like swing my arms in the windmill and kick as hard as I can. And it's just like, like, you know, try and swim away as fast as I can. Yeah. Like you have advantage on that acrobatics check or athletics check rather. Yes. Go for it. That's, uh,

Oh, 19 plus 6, 25. Jesus, you're like the Roadrunner. A big cloud of fucking papers comes up and then you're just fucking gone. So you're like, go on without me, I'm gonna distract them. And they get pulled over and they go, and he just runs away. Now Link is caught. But he is free to move.

No, he doesn't. He spent it on both of us. It's now Link's turn. Link, you are alone. Well, normal's still here. Well, yeah, but he's alone dangling from the game. Yeah, I watched Taylor. Link's not mad. He looks at Taylor go and he's just happy that his friend's escaping. Okay, so like...

Where am I on this eye? Like, how big is this eye? Now do you know this? So you're hanging upside down. He has you by the ankle on a lash. It's like a rope is tied around your ankle and you're dangling from the game. Okay. And his pupil is looking down at me and the pupil is the thing that I get absorbed in. Yes. The pupil is beginning to enlarge as it is going to start to slowly on its turn, try to slough you into its pupil. I knew, I knew this is how I was going to go. Oh my God.

I'm going to try to, I guess, just cut the things holding me. Okay. I don't have daggers. I'm going to bite them. Okay. Give me a... How do you roll for mouth? It's like an unarmed strike, right? Yeah, I was thinking that, but there's got to be something slightly more fun. That could be a... Survival. Pure survival. Yeah, I like survival. Give me a disadvantaged survival roll. Disadvantaged. It's an angel. So 11 and 20.

So I'll take the 20. Best I can do is 11. What was the other one? An 11? An 11. Okay, so an 11, you managed to bite into the angel's eyelash, and it is the single most delicious thing you've ever tasted, confusingly. Oh. Some nerds are out, dude. But you don't bite all the way through it. Your teeth are just... Leave me, Norm. Don't come up here. It's all mine. It's mine.

- Blake, no! - All right, so it is the angel's turn. The angel is going to place you into its pupil. - What? Can I fight against that? - Yeah, I'm having it roll for it. - Okay. - All right, so you're gonna have to beat a 17. - Of what? - Let's say athletics. - Of space, what are you talking about? - No, I mean, what save am I doing? - I'd say it's an athletics check or dexterity save. - I'm gonna do athletics, 'cause that's a plus seven. - Jesus.

You got a 13. Oh, no. You get put into the people. As I'm getting sucked in, I go, Norm, don't eat the lashes. Whatever you do, don't eat the lashes. So you get plunged into pure darkness inside of the angel and the angel's pupil blasts

Blink's shut for a second, and you are for, I guess, the third time now, plunged into complete and utter darkness just with your feelings and your thoughts, and it's not amazing. But you are basically... I beg to disagree. Link's killing it in there. So you are stuck there now, and on your turn, you can try to escape, but it's going to be very difficult. Normal is your turn. If I pop this eyeball, will it kill Link? I guess there's no way to find out. What would, if I wanted to understand the basic anatomy of this thing, what would that be? I would say that's arcana, because it's magical. Arcana.

Okay, well, that's a two, so one. So I have no idea. Who knows? Fuck it. We're going to go for it. We're going to hope for the best. I'm going to cast Guiding Bolt. Okay. At the seventh level.

On this thing, I say, you leave me no choice. I must free my friend, Guiding Bolt. And you just hear them go, just leave me. No! A flash of light streaks towards a creature. Make a ranged spell attack against the target. I got a 12. All right. So 12 is not going to do it.

I'm sorry. All right, so it is Scary's turn again. When do we think... Well, how far away is Scary's safety? Scary, sit on the throne of God and become God. No, I don't want to get on his bad side. I mean, yeah, Larry just doesn't want to get on his bad side. Larry is a man of science. Larry is a kid of science, doesn't believe in God. Yeah. Yeah.

think that Willie will be coming back? I know he's coming right now. I'm going to roll for Willie's ability to maintain. Not very well. He's coming back next turn. Oh, no. He's got enough pride to like pretend he stays in there. Yeah, he's like come out early. Yeah, he's a three-pump chunk. That's why he didn't want you looking at the door. Yeah.

He's just on his phone now, just playing Marvel Snap for a bit. Arthur Miller, huh? I'm going to hold my turn. Taylor, it is your turn again. Why would you hold your turn if you're at the end? I'm going to say that we'll just allow Scary to get one more turn in if she wishes before her turn comes up again. Okay. What turn? I'm gone. Okay, you're gone. Great. So you're out of initiative order. You can still do things while you're gone. No, I'm finding this guy. I've removed you from initiative order.

You can still do stuff. You're just not involved with the, um, that's why Taylor Swift is the fucking killer operator. The team needs because he doesn't let emotions get in the way of the fucking job that needs to get done, dude. Man. Let me ask you this. What did he pick? Used to be a fucking sacrifice myself.

to just the most God anybody's ever been. Let me ask you a question though. Do I reach, Anthony, how far do I get? Do I reach the shore? Can I get out of the shore? Yeah, I would say you can manage to get out to the shore while the angel's looking the other direction. Okay, so my question is this. I'm just trying to think of like, is there a way that I can call the angels off? Like, is there like a fire alarm equivalent? Is there like, you know what I mean? I feel like that would probably be the throne of God. Yeah, there's only one angel on us. But the problem is, Scary doesn't know that you guys are in trouble. Yes, exactly. So, we'll be calm.

called dramatic but like scary would want to be on the throne of god though regardless it's pretty cool you know don't make me question my every turn try to not be the leader so i don't know i'm going to roll to resist throne of god i believe that you don't even need to roll

Like if Scurry went to the Lincoln Monument, would you be like, I'm going to climb up on the chair of Lincoln? On to Lincoln's lap? That's the most Matt Arnold thing you've ever said. Like we all would. Wouldn't you just want to be part of the greatest American president of all time? Wouldn't you want to sit on Daddy Lincoln's lap? Like what do you want to do? It's not about being on Lincoln's lap. It's about being a troublemaker. Like when you went to museums, I always wanted to just climb everything. I just wanted to climb stuff. All right, so you're not going to see anything that's going to allow you to call the angel off. So you can book it for Vincent's belt. Are there any dolphins? No, they're outside. No, they're all outside.

It's just paper. Go find Vincent. Yeah, I'm going to just find the piss wizard. Yeah, I'm going to find piss wizard Vincent Spellfeather. Okay. Give me a stealth roll because there's still angels patrolling. Executing phase two of the mission. Your stealth check is 30? Yeah, I got a stealth check of 30, dude. Wow. 18 plus 12. And here's how I'm going to stealth myself out, okay? As I get up, you know what I see? I see like a room service cart.

That was like a spaghetti room service cart. You know? What's the second rolling cart? This is the third. This is every time. Why did we just make a drink cart? If he's not casting darkness, he's hiding in a cart. Well, so this is a room service cart full of spaghetti and the meatballs.

And so I'm going to use that to stealth in. Great. This is a wheelbarrow. Here's what you would think, Matt. You would think. Italian waiter being like, I can't wait to do the Parmesan and then judge someone when they don't say no, I'm good after a long enough time with the Parmesan. You'd think that will, but unfortunately everyone in heaven is outside. So it's just a cart moving on its own. Unfortunately there's no Italians in heaven.

They go to Italian heaven. What do they do in Italian heaven? That's where they go. Yeah, spicy heaven would just be hell, yeah. Fucking Sisyphus pushing a big meatball. It's fucking bad. Italian hell is them having to sit and watch people make spaghetti carbonara with fucking olive oil and garlic. When you're here, you're enemy. You have to watch The Godfather 3. I'll repeat. Ugh.

Okay. So yes, you perfectly dive into the Olive Garden cart. And the cart then momentum just continues down. Yes, momentum carries you deep into the annals of the heaven sort of, what's the word I'm looking for? Agent Taylor checking in. The maze of heaven doors, essentially. Agent Taylor checking in, currently motivating self towards the target over. No, I'm not talking to anybody. Yeah, that's what you hear from the cart. Yeah, he's just pumped. All right, so you manage to get into the maze of heaven doors and you have the paper in hand so you know exactly where Vincent Spellfighter is.

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link give me a con safe constitution safe we're gonna be looking for a lot of those in 2024 on my right oh natural 21 i

I love this country. Let's do it. Natural 20 plus one. All right, great. Natural 21. So you take no damage from being within the inside of this. Just because you have such a pure soul, dog. Yeah. Your love of Abraham Lincoln and your desire to sit on his lap protects you from the acidic darkness that is the angels in his skin. Link has no love for Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln is just listening and just seeing if he can hear us. Link has no love for Abraham Lincoln. That's even more problematic. I would never sit on Abraham Lincoln's lap, but I would sit on

like no in the Tim Burton planet of the apes when it's the ape Lincoln ape Lincoln

I would sit on that lap. Okay, there you go. Link is not thinking about Abraham Lincoln. He's listening to hear if his friends are getting killed, and upon hearing nothing, he's taking comfort in that. It's just cool. I'm going to remove you from the initiative as well. Nice. The angel is going to use its turn to zoom up into the air and return to Willie. Can I get a chance to do one thing before it leaves the area of combat? I'll give you something that is equivalent to or less cool than an opportunity attack.

I'm going to equivalent to, or can I just say it gets an action via casting a spell? What?

What's the spell? Command. Yeah, that doesn't feel like a reaction. That feels like a thing on your turn. You know what I'll say? I'll say it gets far enough away that it can still hear the command on its turn. So you have a turn before it gets out of hearing range. That's all I want. Yeah. The command is drop it. Spit him out. Hey. Hey. Leave it. Leave it. Stop. Leave it. Okay. It is your turn now. It's 60 feet away. It's sprinted. It flew sprinted away, but it can still hear what you're saying. So go ahead and command is a what? A save? Wisdom 16. Wisdom 16. Okay. Okay.

You can come and look at it, but it is a 15, and I feel like it's an angel, so it gets like a plus one wisdom. I'm sorry. Chat GPT, are angels wise? So it turns and looks back at you and then is going to make a decision on whether it wants to get you or not. The answer, by the way, yes, they are beings of great wisdom, everybody. Yeah, sorry. So with a natural 20, it's going to decide, no, he's not worth it, and it's going to fly away. Yeah, because I didn't do shit to it for fucking five turns. It doesn't consider you as much of a threat. All right, so I feel like we are now out of initiative.

So the split the party into four into four groups. Yeah, you made it so much easier about to get connected with Larry. Yes, you are. Willie comes out of the door that he just entered. Disgustingly sweaty. And he was much work either. Yeah, it was a whole lot. It was like it was like hours. I was in there like whatever time it felt like it was like triple that in there. It's a time dilation thing. Sir, you've been gone so long.

so long. Oh, really? Oh, man, it's at least triple that, so... I won't be shaking your hand, but I'd like a fist bump if that's okay. It'll make your whole hand smell. Oh, that's awesome, dude. Fuck, dude. He fist bumps you and it's disgusting. It's... Whatever. Cool. Um, so...

I bet you're fucking hungry after that performance, right? Oh, God, yeah, I'm thirsty, too. Cassie, where's that sandwich? Bad news, you know me. I just get, like, accustomed to these evil forces, and I, like, ate that sandwich, bro. I out-bro-ed you, bro. I'm so sorry. It was a real bro crime. Bro on bro crime. You hate to see it, bro. Roll persuasion to see if he's not going to hold that deeply against you. Oh, man.

Cause my mom makes great sandwiches guys. I like to think this is Larry's idea of what a science guy is. That's a 27. Wow. Whoa. Game recognized game. With a sweat stained finger, he pokes you in the chest. He goes, I like that initiative. You saw what you wanted and you took it. Well,

Well, I mean, you're the one who's worked up a sweat. So why don't you take a look at this special curated menu and see if there's anything you'd like to order. Okay. And I hand them the notebook. Okay, the zine of truth. Would you like to describe what the zine of truth does? Yes.

The Zine of Truth, a composition notebook covered in stickers and Sharpie marks. When opened, the individual that opens the zine must make a wisdom saving throw of 15. On a failed save, the individual is immediately compelled to write their deepest, darkest secret on the first unmarked page and give it back to the person that gave it to them. On a successful save, the individual takes 1d4 psychic damage from the cringy things others have written in the notebook.

He just writes, I masturbated for 20 seconds. I didn't have sex with Marilyn Monroe. I did not have sex with Marilyn Monroe. Because you had such a good role, I'm going to say he's going to write a couple things because some of these will be useful and some of them probably will not be. He writes, I tried to kill my son. He writes, I will do anything to not be submerged in water ever again.

And he writes, I did not have sex with Marilyn Monroe. I could not get it up. Oh, no. So I stood there and had her say mean things to me for a couple hours. And then I jerked off and he hands it back to you. And he goes, what was that? Oh, why did I just do that? I don't know, bro. It might be something to do with the law of attraction. You know, that's a scientific term.

iceberg's uncertainty principle give me that give me that back i don't want you to have that oh you don't want it you don't okay no i don't know why but i just felt the need to like unburden myself and i just i i cool guys don't share feelings with other people give it back please um have i looked at what's on it i think you probably didn't have time you could do it right now you'd be seeing you look at it you could you could do it right now okay sure i'll i'll look at it you see everything that i just told you and he goes whoa give it back

Dude, get it back from me. And dude is going to descend one step and...

reach out a purple tendril and just yank it out of your hands. Okay, word. Yeah. No, I mean, hey, bro. When dude gets it, dude opens it up and writes, I'm scared and then closes it. Hey, dude, what did you write? I don't know. Oh, you can tell me. No, I'm a bad girl. I'm doing bad girl stuff, so I don't want to talk about it. I'm just here to support Willie. Yeah, me too. As you're saying this, an angel descends and

opens its eye and spits a no worse for wear Lincoln Lee Wilson onto the clouds in front of Willie. So what were you going to say? Nothing. You know, sometimes it's better to be seen and not heard, my bro. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm going to go ahead and keep this in the pockets of the notebook. Oh, it's Lincoln. It's Lincoln. Hey, everybody. Hey, everybody. It's the piss king. Round of applause for the piss king, everybody. And all the eyelids like...

like put their lashes together. Link is still in his fetal position and he just closed his eyes so he just landed and he hasn't moved or done anything. So he can still tell it's Lincoln. Can he still tell it is Lincoln? Yeah, my eyes are closed. Matt Arnold operating off peekaboo rules. Yes, he knows that it is you, Lincoln.

I was wondering if I'm slimy, if it's just like a big phlegm shot out or something. No, it just looks like you just perfectly rolled out dry in fetal position and then like tumbled to the ground. Damn, looks like somebody's suffering the effects of the universal law of gravitation. Okay, I got it. You're very smart.

Angels, I don't need him. Oh, no, no. I'm good, bro. I'll watch this guy. Yeah, sure. Okay, whatever. Make sure he doesn't do shit. Yeah, you messed up, man. And if he does, I'll kill him. Well, okay. Hey, hi. Who are you? I'm Larry. And if you don't like that, then fuck off. Because Honey Badger drinks when he wants and hangs out with whoever he wants. Do we go to the same school? Nope.

Okay. So Willie nods and puts his hand on your shoulder and he goes, Honey Badger does drink whenever he wants. This kid's fucking going places, unlike you and all your stupid friends. So why don't you tell me where they are? Because I'm assuming, what, you're part of some sort of last-ditch effort to save your family or something like that? Where are they, kid? Come on. You go find them. I'm not going to help you. Okay, fine. Go ahead and put them in the news. No, I don't want to do that, though. No. How about I stay here? No, I'll watch him. I'll watch him. Go ahead and roll persuasion. Okay.

to see it. Larry! Larry! Come on, Larry! Roll for preservation with disadvantage because it doesn't make any sense that he would do this. Larry, though, I believe in you.

A nine. All right. So the nine goes, Larry, it's time to let the adults take care of this. Willie snaps his finger at the angels. The angels conjure a door behind you, blink, and the door opens and it's an empty cell with padded walls. Yeah, it's just like the Willie one. And I've seen them because I saw Daryl. Oh, yeah, you have. Cool action. Yes. Yes. So it's just like all the other cells. It's just the cells big enough for one person to slowly. Cells interlinked.

Cells. The angel is going to knock you in the chest with a die lash. I'm going to grab onto a dude. Okay. I'm going to bear hug dude. Okay. Like a toddler not wanting to go somewhere. Okay, great. Give me a strength check.

I got a six. Well, he got a two. So you managed to bear hug dude. And dude goes, don't be sad. I'm not sad, dude. I'm not going to let go of you, man. And Willie says, let go of him. And he immediately lets go of you. I'm not letting go. Willie says, dude, push him into the room. And he goes, I'm so sorry. And he puts his hand up against your face like a six foot tall basketball player just shoving aside a five foot tall basketball player. This isn't your fault, dude.

No, I think it is. Dude pushes you inside. My friends are going to stop you, Willie. If they can hear me, I'm sorry I failed. I'm sorry. That's okay. We still like you, Link. That's the last thing you hear is the door slam shut, sealing you inside alone in this little cell.

Whoops. What is other people want to do now? We can jump to Taylor and your search for Vincent Spellfeather. Okay. Taylor is now searching the halls and I think he's going to arrive at the door of Vincent Spellfeather. And I'm going to go, time to prep my riz.

The door opens and you see a man covered in piss. And he says, Vincent Spellfeather here. Who did you bring my pizza? Vincent Spellfeather. I got something even better for you, my man. How would you like piss magic to be real? What? It's already real in my head in this room. How would you like to deploy piss magic in a real way? Oh, well, I suppose that against your enemies, against the ultimate test. How would you like to kill God with piss? Oh, go ahead and roll persuasion.

That's gotta be pretty persuasive. A fucking wizard hungry for power. And you also have inspiration from that funny thing you said earlier. So if you want to use it here. 15 plus two, 17. Okay. So with the 17, he's going to go, you can promise me a piss fight? That's right, Vince.

That's what I've wanted out of heaven all along. I've been in here just doing simulated piss fights if my piss magic actually worked out, but it never did. You're telling me there's a way to make it work for real? I knew there was. I knew that I was just a few milliliters away from finally cracking the code on my Euromancy. And that's why I'm here. Here at heaven, I'm part of a special division of agents. We keep an eye on every magical denizen within our walls, and we've noticed the accomplishments that you've been making in piss magic. And we'd like to offer you the opportunity to deploy your patented pending...

Form a piss magic in the ultimate test. What say you? There's more fluids on him. Yeah, absolutely. What do you do? Now, and I pull Vincent in a little close on it. Now, Vince, there is a catch. You will need to change your name. Why? You are so close to unlocking the true power of Euromancy. But the fact is, it requires the caster to have a certain name. You see, these old names have power. What?

Like the old name. We are in the Abrahamic religion after all. And the names have power in this sort of belief system, I think. What you had wrong. Here's the thing, my man. You were on the right track the whole time. But what you never considered was that your name was Vincent. What was it again? Spellfeather. Spellfeather. But in order for piss magic to work, you need a piss centric name. Something like Willie Pur.

Perhaps. Well, he does mean penis. Yes. And your last name needs to be Stampler for reasons I can't get into. Roll deception. I'm going to use my advantage. Okay. And with that advantage, I get a 12 plus 12, 24. Whew.

So he goes, you know what? You have the smell of you of somebody who understands piss better than most. Does your school have a urology department? Oh, let me tell you something. I happen to be an expert on everything piss related. Yes. The answer is yes. That is what everyone studies. That is the main class, in fact. You know what, my friend? Yeah. You've got a deal. All right.

Right. He whips out a pen. You're going to need to change your name using these forms. Not a problem at all. Not a problem at all. And sign here. Sign, sign, sign. Initial here. Initial here. And another one on this page. WS. It's a shame his last name isn't Kampler or something because it'd be WC like water closet.

That'd be extra fun for me, but it's fine. It's fine. WSWS. Willie Stampler. Call me Willie. Call me William. Oh, Willie. Willie. Willie? Yeah, Willie. Of course, William is not a slang for a penis. Willie! Willie I am. Willie Stampler. Willie Stampler, that's me. What do we do now? Pleased to meet you. Pleased to meet you. Well, what is your name again? I'm Taylor Swift. The musician? No. Fair enough. The piss genius.

All right. So what do we do now? Now that his name is Willie Stampler, dude listens to Willie Stampler, right? Yeah. You're going to need to say this magic spell to kind of get things going. And then I hand him a piece of paper and the paper is written in quotes and then written in like a really like fancy schmancy, like medieval font by my own hand. What I think is a fancy schmancy medieval font. It says, dude, kill the Willie Stampler closest to you.

I'm a little nervous that you just made me change my name to Willie Stampler and then you're having me hold this piece of paper that says to kill Willie Stampler. Does he know who the other Willie Stampler is? No. As far as he's concerned, you just hand him a piece of paper that says kill your own name. Hold on. Give me that piece. Oh my god, I gave you the wrong one. I gave you the wrong one. That's what you get when you don't have a good filing system in place. Oh.

Let me just take that. I erase it really quick. I say, dude, I could say anything here. It was having killed. Well, it's not just doing a different language. He doesn't know what he's saying. Here we go. Words are still the Willie. Yeah, let me just fix that. It says kill the Willie Stampler you're closest to. And then there's a parenthetical now. Not me. The one who's saying this right now. Not this Willie Stampler. I'm just going to need you to say that. Get a little get a little voice print from you. Just this is the main activation phrase. Go ahead and just let's just go with. Okay.

Get Willie Stampler. Willie Stampler closest to you. Not me, the one saying this right now. So that's what it'll be like when we do that. Well, yeah. Fantastic. You with your new piss-soaked friend in hand. Well, now let me ask you a question. Dude, being an elder tour can't hear us, huh? No, he can't hear you. Okay, okay. So I think with that, you've met a new friend. Your plan is going into a pretty good space. And I'm going to talk to him and I'm going to reserve the right as we walk to the throne of heaven. I'm going to reserve the right to come back here to a flashback.

to instruct him in a very specific way before the fight. I'm going to say no. I'm going to say this. Hey, listen, man. You're piss magic. Here's what you're going to do. We're going to go to the throne of heaven. You're going to have a showdown. Okay? We're going to show everyone how fucking great this piss magic is. But listen to me. All right? You're going to open with it. Then you're going to say this phrase. Okay?

okay cool sounds good to me my man my man normal dog normal is at a loss for what to do he's once again alone he's alone in a vast ocean of paperwork he failed trying to save his friends taylor seems to have the piss man thing pretty well under lock and so normal's trying to think of what he can bring to the situation you don't know that he did that by the way i don't know that's true but i don't know just thinks he ran away and then

And then normal realizes that he saw, he was surprised to see that Cassandra was outside. Right. And then he remembered that Willie seems like kind of like maybe low key, like a little bit, like he doesn't take women seriously or like as a threat or low key, low key, just normal. It's kind of clocking those vibes. And it makes him think that maybe there's a chance that he hasn't rounded up

Mercedes O. Garcia, his mom who's canonically dead and probably made it to heaven. So Normal knows that his grandmother is a powerful geocrystal magician and wants to see if he can find her in heaven. How would I go about doing that? To see if I can bring a powerful geocrystal witch to our side. Well, if you had access to the dolphins, that would be pretty easy. They could find it for you. Without them... Oh wait, but I do have the locate creature spell and I do know my grandmother really well. Yes, you definitely do. Okay, so I'm going to cast...

locate creature. Cool. You know exactly where she is in the labyrinth of heaven rooms. Okay. I am going to try to make my dangerous way there to let the Hulk out of the cage, so to speak. Cool. Give me a stealth roll. Okay.

Oh, I got a 19. Great. So you managed to stealthily infiltrate the labyrinth of doors and you find... She's next to the piss wizard. Oh, my man! What have you got? My man! So you find a door that says Mercedes-Benz Garcia on it. Abuelita! I knock on the door. The door opens. She sloughs off some spaghetti and goes, Normal!

And she wraps you in a big old bear hug. And she goes, it's been so long. Grandma, it's so nice. You die. Did you die? No, I didn't die. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. It's really nice to see you. It's good to see you. I take a big marinara hug from her. And then I peel myself off and wipe the marinara from my surface. Grandma, do you know what's going on up here? No. I mean, the marinara thing. Look, you won't understand it when you try. I'm not going to judge about the spaghetti. It seems weird, but I know it actually is great. It's okay. It's okay. But Grandma, no.

no, Willie Stampler took over heaven. She takes out a gun. Whoa. She goes, point me in the right direction. I point her at the right. He's that way. Yeah. Follow me to

Oh, you got a deep voice on you now. Sorry, I got some marinara in there. Okay, there's normal. So we're going to sneak off through the labyrinth once again. Do we run into each other on the way over? Yes. Do we have a comical scene? Here's what we'll do. You roll a d20. I roll a d20. If it's the same number, we run into each other. Okay. I think if it's also not the same number, you run into each other. All right, well, ready? Three, two, one, roll. I got a natural 20. I got an eight.

Weird, you run into each other. You're both evens. Yeah, they're both perfectly divisible by four, which means that you round a corner and you slam into each other. Whoa! My lady. Ew. This is Willie Stampler. She shoots him. No! Dead in the fucking face. She goes! She goes! She goes!

Not today, no, not today.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold's Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campbell is his normal. Beth May is Scary Marlowe and myself. Freddie Wong is Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber.

This podcast is supported by Patreon, people like Michael Crabtree, Luke Cavendish, SJB, Conrad760, KHB, Raph Jansen, Emily Doyle, Ireland Eversoul, Killum Noble, Emily Lickenbrock, David Murray, Charlie Lamphere, SA Jalise, Samantha Landeros, Dragon Rider, Rami Brett, Sam Skulls, Dynart, Chris

Chris Greenan and Scott Liddell. While our shop is down, we still have digital downloads of our prior one shots and albums. Season one, we had Henry Oak recording Rock's Rock, an edutainment rap album. And season two is Scary Marla recording her EP Sophomore Slump by her band Butthole Ricochet, an album that expresses her inner teen angst.

Perhaps the greatest tragedy of Pitchfork was that the hallowed music review institution sloughed the mortal coil before being able to review these two niche improv D&D comedy joke albums. You can judge these mighty works yourself by going to the Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads and clicking on the shop tab. There you will find our albums as well as our one-shot miniseries where the cast really cuts loose.

It's all $7.50 or you can spend $5 and just try out the Patreon for a month. You get access to everything that you see there as well as a whole lot more. That is at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Check out our sick website, dungeonsanddags.com. Our next episode is February 13th, Valentine's Day Eve, so we'll see you then.

Dungeonsanddaddies.com. Is that even our website? Yeah, it is. That's our website. How do you not know our website? I don't know. I don't go to it that often. Wait, can the angel go in? I check dungeonsanddaddies.com every day. Every single day. I set dungeonsanddaddies.com to be my homepage. Why can't I email from Beth at dungeonsanddaddies.com? Do you want an email? Yeah. You sure? No. That's what I thought.