Ep. 32 - Grilling In the Name Of 01:07:49

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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. The morning sky's begun to stir, but Witch Dad woke up first. Let the road trip commence, so gas up the van with compliments.

Tunkle Switch. Old beans in dirty water some guy spat in for eye-opening aroma and taste. There's a portal we know where Odyssey's son can take us home. The best part of waking up is Tunkle Switch spit in your cup. Tunkle Switch.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies. Occasionally a BDSM podcast, now finally a D&D podcast about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bard of the group. This week's Glenn fact, Glenn has his own line of

of custom boutique guitar pedals to get that signature Glen tone. And he's trademarked that with the US trademark office. You can get Glen tone. He's made 50 of them. He's sold zero of them because nobody gives a shit about Christmas guitar tone. And for you guitar nerds, it's just a TSA the way he just rebranded a TSA the way and said that's Glen tone. Typical.

That's a real guitar nerdy one for all you guitar nerds out there. Hey, it looks like a big broken panel of glass and it's called Glenn Close's Damages.

That's good. Oh, it's actually all the pedals are based off of, yeah, Glenn Close, the famous actress's career. Here's a question. Here's something we haven't gotten into. Does the other Glenn Close exist in the world of Dungeons and Daddies? Yes, 100%. I think so. Okay. So you're Glenn Close 2 on IMDb, and you're constantly trying to change it to 1? Yes.

No, he doesn't matter about IMDb. He doesn't have any TV or film gigs. He's a musician, man. It doesn't matter. He has the 101 Dalmatians delay, which repeats your tone 101 times, making it a totally unusable guitar pedal. Glenn Close has sent him many cease and desist letters about his guitar effect because she's working on her own line of guitar pedals. And she's like, what the fuck? What the fuck, man? It would be so wild if...

Our universe was exactly the same, but the only difference was that Glenn Close, the actor, didn't exist. And it was just Glenn Close. See, that's what I'm saying. I think that should be the one difference. I think that should. And it's just like sliders where it's like whenever we try to get back home, we have to Google Glenn Close. That's the darkest timeline to lose national treasure actress Glenn Close for this guy. Was she in National Treasure? I don't.

think so I'm just being an idiot I'm sorry I'm just actually being an idiot because I had to actually think about it national treasure hello my name is Matt Arnold I play Daryl Wilson a stay-at-home coach dad who turns into a barbarian once we enter the Forgotten Realms I thought this fact would just go way back just

Just to kind of clarify, you know, Daryl's upbringing. So he was a straight C student his whole life. Like, that's pretty much Daryl. Like, not an idiot, but not super smart. Represent. He only got an A on one essay. And that essay was titled, Why It's Inappropriate to Fart in Class.

And it was because during a European class, they asked about fine arts and he didn't know the answer. And he said more like fine farts and he farted and he got detention and was given an essay. And his dad gave him a lecture about how, you know, fine arts are inappropriate. And so is art. And you got to take school seriously. So Daryl worked his ass off and pulled in philosophy and really why why it was inappropriate to ruin other people's time just for his own insecurity. And that's the proudest he's ever been. He got an A on that essay.

So, yeah. Sorry. Daryl had a class called European class. No, European history. Yeah, it was European class. What did they study in European class? That's what Daryl calls them when he goes to the bathroom. Various, yeah. It was just, you know, colonizer school. It was just, you know, that sort of thing. You had to be able to draw the plug from memory. I hate wasting other people's time, which is why I'm on a podcast.

Hey, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Henry Oak. Birkenstock, rockin', crunchy, munchy, granola-eatin', hippie, nature, druid, dad. And my Henry fact for this week, picking up where Matt left off last week by telling us that Daryl's favorite ice cream flavor is Rocky Road, Henry's favorite ice cream flavor is ice.

I knew it. I literally knew it right before you said it. Are you kidding? There's no cream. It's his favorite drink on the go. It's cold water you can eat. Of course it's his favorite. Not even like slushy ice though. Like slushy ice. No, just a nice ice cube. You suck on it during the day. It cools you off. It's the ultimate summertime treat. But he's fundamentally missing one half of that

thing like it's ice cream it can't just be ice like where's the cream sugar on top no when he's feeling especially indulgent he'll swish his mouth with oat milk as well that's the cream I wow

I don't like that at all. Guys, Henry's a monster. I've been trying to tell everyone from the beginning that Henry is the worst dad, and so now you all know that that's the truth. Hey, I'm Beth May, and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron this week, it's a fact relating directly to the last episode, is that...

Very early on, Ron dropped a piece of a cracker that he was eating in like between the seats of the Honda Odyssey. And he tried to get it like a couple of times genuinely. And then he was like, oh, well, that's just there. And now he's feeling a little bit guilty that he never got that crumb out before the Honda Odyssey met her untimely demise into another dimension. Yeah.

I feel like there's probably a lot grosser stuff in the Honda Odyssey at this point than a little cracker crumb. Anthony treated the Honda Odyssey like a Bond girl. Like, we...

We had the sex scene and then he just freezed her and killed her. I couldn't believe it. She's not dead. She's back on Earth. She got home. I don't know why everyone's talking like we killed the Hanna-Odyssey. No, you had the more important scene than the sex scene, which was the like, I have feelings for you and this is now emotional scene, which is nobody gets killed quicker than a Bond girl he has any positive emotions for other than lasciviousness.

this time I really care for you. The Odyssey was Ava Green. Let's walk into this bad guy base. Yep. Hey, let's go into this hotel that's sinking in Venice. You want to just hang out here? What are you doing? That whole section. Yeah. What if this movie had a second ending? Um,

I'm Anthony Birch. I'm your daddy master. And my least favorite thing in Casino Royale is the part where Vaughn's playing poker and Evergreen's sitting there watching him. And for the audience's benefit, there's a guy there whose only job is to be like 15 million in the pot. If he doesn't get a six, I think that's going to happen. And Evergreen's like, OK. And it's like you've

said this character was intelligent. She could just know these things. But no, just have Hooker mansplained to her by a bad guy. Well, it's great because she's also... No, that's Felix. He's like, look, Vesper, it's the tell. Like, that's my favorite part. Yeah, look. And then LeChief's fake-ass tell where he's like, hummina, hummina, eugh. LAUGHTER

And the whole movie you're waiting for like, oh, is the blood going to leak out of his eyes? Is that going to be his tell? The movie's like, no, that has nothing to do with anything. That would be a wild tell. I like literally haven't seen this movie since 2006 or whenever it came out. So I'm impressed. It's great. It's a very good movie. Okay. Side note, do you guys realize that Daniel Craig has been Bond since George W. Bush was president? Yeah.

He's been Bond longer than anybody else, even though he's done less movies than Moore or Connery. And he's had one and a half good movies, which is more good Bond movies than any other Bond actor.

So last time we were playing, you lost the van. You were driving back to your homes, back through the portal that Aaron directed you to. But just as you were about to go through, you felt this pull on your back and these purple tendrils were coming out of your backs and they kept you in this realm while the van continued forward at 25 miles an hour and sailed through and you shot your way out of the back of the van. You all fell and took some damage and you were able to get out of the van.

And now you find yourselves A, vanless, and B, surrounded by 40 orcs that have set up camp to prevent you from doing exactly what you just tried to do. And they've all turned to you. They see that you've stumbled out of the van and that you are the people they're looking for. And you hear one of the orcs say like,

I think that's the ones we're supposed to get. Another one goes like, yeah, let's eat them. And they start coming towards you. What do you do? I have two questions. One as Matt playing Dungeons and Dragons and one as Daryl. The first question is how strong are orcs? Like what, what, what we like, like what we dealing with? Like Anthony's not going to just tell you that he's not going to be like, Oh, this is no, we've done so little Dungeons and Dragons over the course of 30 episodes. Like, I don't know, like I'm playing doom eternal. Like, is it one of the low, like walking zombies? Like, I'm like, okay, like it's a normal guy.

Or like, is this like, are we in a bad situation? I just want to kind of get a sense. Are you in a bad situation? There are 40 people and you have no car. Is this a bad situation? Okay, so yes. Okay, so obviously it's supposed to be bad. That is the biggest sign that I failed as a dramatist. If you're like, is this supposed to be dangerous? Am I supposed to care about this? Like, is this good, right?

And then I was just going to ask what you said. We took damage. So I was wondering what's happened to the kids, particularly Grant. Does he look really hurt? Grant falls down and like scrapes an elbow pretty badly and lands on it. Kind of weird. And you wince when you see it, but he doesn't react. He's just like, and then gets sort of gets back up onto his knees and his shoulders a little bit more dangly than it was before. But otherwise he's. Yeah.

It's just like dead by his side. Grant, did he dislocate your shoulder, buddy? I don't think so. It just hurts. Well, try moving it, man. He goes, okay.

And it doesn't. It goes, I'm fine. Oh, no. Oh, no, buddy. I think that you just try not to move it, all right? And I kind of stand in front of him and I guess the orcs. He tries to give you a thumbs up with that hand, but nothing happens. How do we know that? Because he goes, I'm trying to give you the thumbs up. I've seen this on TV. I can pop it back in, Grant. I can use my big, strong arms to just sort of...

Back into place. He goes, yeah, go for it. Okay. First, I'm going to need some leverage, some sort of... Ron, let's do it after we deal with all this around us. Yeah, which are slowly encroaching on you in a big old circle like a bunch of bad guys that are about to fight Jackie Chan. Okay, you know what? You're right, because you'll probably get more hurt during the fighting, and then we'll be able to sort of recover everybody.

It's more efficient that way. Oh, yes, yes. I'm going to suggest that I turn into the biggest bird I can think of and then we all fly away on my back. Actually, no shit, we can't because I've already, I did wild shape twice in the last encounter. Also, I feel like you've been fast and loose with your scales when it comes to wild shape. Okay, so here's what's going to happen as you guys have been discussing this. One of the orcs goes bedtime buzz and takes out an orb and throws it at the ground in front of you and

I kick it back at him. Oh, it's soccer. We got this one perfect. Kids. Roll a reflex with disadvantage. Reflex. No, Terry. Terry would do it. Terry would do it. Terry's the best striker. Terry's the star of the fucking striker, the team. That's true. You're going to tell Terry to kick it?

I go, I'm not going to, I just kind of leap into action, but I feel like if Terry was going to do it, he'd probably get off the line before I would. Okay. So Terry sees it coming and he goes, I know what to do here. And he runs up to it and he jumps and does this beautiful Pele kick before the guy throws it and just sort of lands on his back. And the guy begins to go forward and before it could even leave his hand, Carrie just fucks up completely. He got a two. Oh no!

And he just like fucking bodies himself on the ground. Coach Daryl, what do you think about that? I mean, it was a tough play. So that's what happens when you let stress enter your mind, man. You gotta get that stress out before you take a play like that. Orcs also just throw slower than he was used to. So what happens is the orb sails through the air and...

And it smashes on the ground next to Cherry Jr. And this big green puff of smoke explodes out from around it. So everybody except for Nick and Glenn will have to roll a constitution saving throw with disadvantage. Nick and Glenn get to do regular constitution saving throws. Daryl did once in high school smoke a joint. He also didn't know what he was doing and it might have just been a cigarette. Yeah.

Yeah, that's not going to give you advantage on this. You get disadvantage. Roll with disadvantage for Constitution. Freddie and Nick will roll with just normally. Constitution. 14. Some questionable things we're teaching our listeners here. Yeah, smoke weed every day. Okay, so my first roll was a one. Let me see. Okay, so that's it.

So you take the biggest. What happens when you critical fail on my second roll was a two. Oh, wow. Wow. The one to punch. I got a 19 with disadvantage. Yeah, I got 19 twice, actually.

Jesus. Henry rolled a four. Okay. So everybody that didn't get a 15 or over, so that includes Glenn, it seems. Just by one. You feel awesome. Everything began to sort of get wibbly and slow, and you, like a private detective who's been slipped a Mickey by a dame. What?

You see everything begin to go black and you start to collapse. So Ron, you see this happening around you, including all the kids. They are getting knocked out. What do you do? Um...

Because I was one way, can I mutter something to Ron as before I go totally out? Please do. I go, Ron, bluff them. The last thought that goes through Henry's mind before he passes out is he thinks to himself, whoa, I really get Donnie Darko now. Okay, okay. I have to ask an important question. Did anybody write the numbers on your arm in high school?

Or is it just me? Of Donnie Darko? Oh, of Donnie Darko? Yeah. Okay, if it makes you feel any better. That's one of my more embarrassing high school memories is my friend Grant and I just wrote the number. We liked that movie so much. We wrote the numbers on our pen when we were bored. Oh, remember that I wrote the girl I liked in high school's name in Elvish on my book so that nobody would know I was writing her name. So I think I win. You win. You beat me. You won. Oh.

Holy shit, Matt. As long as we're doing this, I was legitimately scared for seven days after watching The Ring. And I...

I unplugged the TV in my bedroom. Okay, I can beat you all right now. And I'm not even sure. Like, I might, like, threaten Freddie at 2 a.m., like, cut this out of the podcast. But I had my senior photos. Like, I had, like, two nice senior photos and then one with me in this, like, dumb dress. And then one of my senior photos is me with my DVD collection. No, that's pretty – that's badass. Okay.

Beth lured us all in by pretending it was going to be embarrassing and then dropping the hugest fucking flex of all time on us. If you saw the picture, you would know it was fucking embarrassing. Can you dig this picture up? I'm actually going to clarify that Daryl, as he's passing out, he's writing Carol's name in Elvish in the ground. So that's now a Daryl fact.

Oh, man. Okay. Bluff, bluff, bluff. Because they were looking for the horse, remember? Oh, yeah. The white horse, right? The white stumpy thing. Maybe do like the Chewbacca thing. Maybe say that you're the guard and you're taking us all as prisoners. The old Chewbacca thing. Wait, which one of you in At the Mountains of Dadness pretended to be knocked out? Was

Was it stud? Yes. That is true. Yeah. Yeah. Or use your fame as high Ron and say that you're just on your way to a concert and you guys are interrupting a really great concert. Like you're going to ruin a concert. Okay. Okay. Hey, what's up? Uh, I'm glad that you all came to the show tonight. Um,

As you can see, we're just practicing our choreography for the final number where I sing a song so devastating and so powerful that everybody just dies around me. And then while I'm doing that, I kind of like go to feel somebody's pulse, like, oh, I hope they're not really dead. And of course, like, I can't actually know where the pulse is. So I'm like, oh, they might they might be dead.

I love that you're bluffing them about the thing they did to us. Yeah, roll deception with disadvantage. Okay.

Damn it. Seven. Does she get a bonus because they might know who she is? So then therefore would more likely believe the bluff? No, because they're orcs and orcs are not like they don't like fine arts. Yeah, they're not super well. They're much like you and that they would fart during fine arts class rather than listen. They're not checking pitchfork. They all read pitch orc.

God damn it. So I got, yeah, I don't have any, I don't have any bonuses. Damn. I needed to be up for this one, boys. So I think like if they're thinking that they did this, I would be like, well, if this is you're doing, how, how come I'm fine? I feel better than ever. I feel ready for the show. So, uh, one of them says good point and just swings at you. Uh,

I think I pretend to be asleep immediately before they even make contact. Why don't you roll dexterity to see if you can pretend to sleep before the attack hits you. Okay.

Okay, so I got 17. God, you're lucky. So with a 17, just describe what you do, I guess. Okay, so I think I sense even after I said that this is not going to work. So I swoon and it creates the perfect like boxing slip as they go over me with their meaty orc hand and I'm like already on the ground.

Perfect, because he rolled a natural 20 to attack you. So if you had fucked up your dexterity, you would have just taken that straight in the face and taken a crit amount of damage. But instead, yeah, you just fall fake unconscious, essentially. And you hear as the orcs surround your bodies, and they go like, whoa, that is a lot of meat. And there's like nuggets. There's so much protein. There's a lot of protein, and there's a lot of little nuggets. Oh, there's a snack. There's the appetizers. Let's take them back and cook them. Oh my god, acai bowl. Yes.

And then they start grabbing. So only Ron hears this, right? We're all passed out. Only Ron hears this. Yeah. One of them is like, are they organic? They start grabbing all of you by the legs and just dragging you. Basically, if you want to keep your eyes closed and keep pretending to be unconscious, you can. But if you want to try to open your eyes at any point and see where you are, you'll have to make a stealth check to make sure they don't notice you. Okay. Yeah. I'm going to try to check it out. So I'm going to roll. Okay. Give me a stealth roll. Okay.

your road yeah this is this is this is what i'm supposed to do yeah dnd was made for rogues opening their eyes occasionally 14 plus 8 is that that's funny plus 8 holy smokes 22 so the orcs dragged you across the field past the invisible portal into which the honda odyssey just disappeared and then toward the mouth of a massive cave and

And as you're dragged into the cave, daylight slowly begins to fade away as you're taken further and further from the field that just a few months ago represented freedom. And soon everything is dark. And the only sound you can hear is the sound of you and your friends and your family being dragged towards some unknowable, likely nefarious destination.

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You see the orcs dragging all of you into a very large cave that gets darker and darker until it starts getting lit just by torchlight. The further you go in, it starts to get lighter again, and you realize it's because there's a massive roaring fire pit in the center of this cave.

And above that fire pit is a cage that looks big enough to hold all of you. That's on a metal spit that can be rotated. Oh, no. Eww. Surrounding the fire pit are a bunch of tables. There is some smaller tunnels that go to places you cannot see, but there's about three tunnels, one to the north, one to the east, and one to the west. And then there's the southward tunnel that you came in. This definitely looks like the orc cafeteria, if you will. Yeah.

The mess hall. Yeah, the mess hall. And there's some orcs sitting there just eating like little bits of rats and they see all these people being dragged in and they go like, oh, so sick, bro. And they're freaking out and they're super happy. They're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they are going to start dragging you up and into that cage. Well, how do we get to roll for waking up or anything, Anthony? Only once you're in the cage. Okay.

Once Anthony wants us to wake up. Because there's been no external influence on you until you're in the cage and you start getting heated up. Unless Ron does something to wake us up. No, I think I'm just going to go with it. Good move, Ron. So they throw you all in the cage and they lock the cage with four rusty looking padlocks on each corner of basically a rectangular swinging door on the front. Can I try to like...

Can I try to like surreptitiously like throw the chain part of my skippet to maybe hold the door open so that it doesn't... Like wedge it open a little bit? Sure. Give me a stealth attack. 13 plus 8.

21. You walked into the wrong room, motherfucker. So you definitely wedge it between the gate door as it closes. But again, it's a big old door and the orcs are pretty strong. So the door still closes around it, but it's a little bit bent at the bottom where the chain is. Okay. And they're still locked. All four corners are locked. All four are locked, but you basically have a little bit more leverage. So essentially, if you try to pop those locks off, I'm going to give you some bonuses for having already put some strain on it with the chain there for leverage.

As they begin to rotate the grill cage and you get sort of jumbled around like balls in a lottery cage, you start feeling the heat and all of you slowly are awoken by the smell of something delicious, which very quickly you realize is you.

Whoa. Wait, are we? I think the first thing I realized was like. Hold on. Are we being like, when you say like, is that like our fats are being rendered? Like what is causing the scent of our own, like that word deliciousness? Are we already cooking? Is this the end of the podcast? Are you quitting? Yeah, your skin's getting a little bit burned. Just a little bit. Anthony, just because I opened my oven in my kitchen doesn't mean I smell my own flesh cooking. Okay.

I don't go. Okay. Oh my God. It's like getting a town. Maybe they threw some thyme and some herbs in there. Do you know what I mean? We smell like the. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Congratulations now. Canonically what they did now is they rubbed all of you down with their horrible orc hands and smeared you in butter and thyme and rosemary and they sprinkled salt over you and one of the orcs was like salt bae and then they threw you in and that's what you smell when you wake up. Aren't you glad you called me out on that?

I'm just trying to establish an authentic picture for our listening audience at home who's tuning in with the theater of their mind, and I'm sure they appreciate it. Now I can smell myself as an actor. I can bring myself into the moment. Yeah. Is that clarified butter, or is it like a brown butter where they've roasted a little bit for a flavor? They did not brown the butter. They don't have the patience for that. Ah, rookie mistake. Yeah.

Which everyone should do when you make cookies, FYI. Yes, agreed. Sounds like waking up on a Sunday, right, boys? After a long night out, you wake up just covered in butter and rosemary and thyme and the whole shebang. You smell yourself cooking and you're like, should I get... Sorry, Beth, I'm on a pushback here as part of the guys on this podcast. Hi, this is Freddie. Beth, what is the implication? Are you implying that men spend Saturday nights basting themselves in butter and herbs? Is that...

Oh, men are master basters, Freddie. Nice. That's good.

Hey, we're going to die. Okay. Right, right, right. Did they take all of our weapons and stuff like that? No, they kept them on you because they think it would be crunchy. Okay. Henry stirs awake and he goes, why do I smell so delicious? Oh my gosh. Holy cow, guys. We're in a bad spot here. This is like a problematic Looney Tunes cartoon. Daryl takes a little lick and he's like, butter, thyme, rosemary. My God, somebody's going to cook us into steaks.

Delicious steaks. Grant, are you okay? Grant? Yeah, I'm fine. It tastes pretty good. I don't know. Anthony on the Zoom is mimicking him having a dislocated shoulder while turning. His shoulder's still flopping around. Can I try to surreptitiously taste somebody a little bit?

Who are you tasting? Who's closest to me? Terry Jr. No. Let's see. I'm going to taste... Daryl's. Yeah. No, wait. I'm going to taste Henry. Ew, he's the least hygienic one. All right. He tastes the worst. Unless it's like a mold. You know how they let certain cheese mold to make it taste better? Yeah, it's a little funky. Henry's got that going on. I got a 16. All right. Henry, roll perception. He's got that dry age taste.

Henry's got what we call a blue cheese funk to him. Notes of funk. Henry rolled a 17. So he's a... Ron, are you licking me? What are you doing? Sorry. Not bad, you know? We're doing okay.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Gentlemen. Hello. Who's in charge here? I'm like up against the fence. All the orcs are chanting the name of their orc chieftain, which is give me a second. Moz MOZ. And that comes to us courtesy of Eric Harrison. His name is Moz Ominous.

Monster woman. That's a good name. It's pretty cool. And they're like, Maz, Maz, Maz. And he goes, I have fed you. That's my scary voice. My real voice is like this. And they're all like clanking their knives and their forks together. I almost said swords. No, knives and swords. They have very large swords for cutting and then smaller knives for putting them in their mouths. Maz, can you come here for a second?

Maz, can we have a sidebar real quick? Roll persuasion. My call for a sidebar is 11 plus 9, which is 20. 17 minus 1, so 16. So Maz goes, oh, I love it when my meat tries to talk its way out of becoming meat. Oh, yeah, guys, watch this. And he walks over to you. He's voguing the whole time. And he goes, what do you want? Hi, Daryl Wilson. Nice. You know what? Not nice to meet you, but I would shake your hand. But you guys kind of put a bunch of covered in butter. Yeah, I did that. Yeah. Hey, can you let us out of here?

No. And he just starts like dancing while they're distracting Maz. Henry leans down to Larkin Sparrow and he says, hey, boys, remember that summer when you guys learned how to pick locks to break into all of mom and I stuff and I told you not to. Do you guys still remember how to do that? They both have very big smiles and they go, no.

Okay, I see what you're doing. Well, you know, you guys like doing super fun, mischievous stuff like that all the time, and a lot of times it's not appropriate, but now would be a really great time to do this. So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to stand in front of you. Do you think you guys can get working on those locks on the door? Because you've got tiny little hands. Maybe you can reach around and pick them. So Sparrow is like, absolutely, Father. And Lark is like, it's less fun if you want us to do it. I only want Sparrow to do it, Lark. Oh, well, now I'll show you how you can pick a lock. How dare you? Okay. Okay.

So they'll both get two tries on, I guess, what is the stat? There's sleight of hand. Would you call it sleight of hand? Yeah, let's do sleight of hand because they're just using their finger. They're buttery fingers. Okay, I'm going to roll for both of them. So Lark puts his fingers into one of them and it's just like, got it. And one of the locks just pops open.

And then Sparrow, he tries to do the same and he almost gets it, but then his finger slips out and he goes, oh, and like goes, yes, victorious. So we got one out. One out of four of the locks is now unlocked. Basically what I'm going to do is I'm going to give all of you and your kids one action to try and get out of this lock. If not, then you're basically going to start taking damage. You're going to get cooked. Maz, Maz, hey, how's it going? Um...

Listen, it looks like your people are hungry and you want to cook us, but we're old and tough and gamey and our meat is terrible. So I'll tell you what, if you let us out, we'll cook up a feast for you guys. We know how to, we're chefs, you see, from our world. We're gourmet chefs and we know how to, with a thing or two about grilling. And if you want the best meal of your life, we'll show you how it's done in exchange for letting us out here. I pick up on what Glenn's doing. I go, wait, wait.

I slap him on the back. Glenn, they're not cooking us. No way. With this, did you taste us? We taste terrible. And plus, they're rushing the meat. There's no way they're cooking us. They're probably just dirtying us up to throw us out for some sort of football game or something. This ain't how you cook meat. Yeah, you're right. This isn't how you treat any kind of meat. I mean, like, I can just tell right now. I've been basted in butter and it's only been, what, five minutes. Look, there's no way that they're this foolish. Yeah. Henry was actually delicious.

Okay, so I was going to give you advantage, but then Ron said that to me. One of you give me a deception with disadvantage. Freddie, with disadvantage? Yes, because they can smell that you smell really good and they're orcs, so they're not like a lot of people go like, oh, they're stupid. So that means they're easy to trick. It's like, no, stupid people don't want to listen to people. So they're less likely to be convinced. I whisper to Henry as Freddie's getting ready to roll. I go, Henry, there's a way to make yourself smell really bad.

You know what to do. Oh, no. I rolled a 16 and then a 10, but then a 10 plus my deception, which is six. So a total of 16. Okay. He's going to roll opposed. That's not going to do it. Then let me throw one thing at him right before, as I'm seeing his reaction to it, I click my fingers and point my finger goes out. I'm like, come on, man, be a pal. And I'm casting charm person. Okay. This is an attempt to charm wisdom saving throw of 14.

All right. He rolls a six. So he fails your charm person, which means he is now charmed. So what does that mean? A charmed creature regards you as a friendly acquaintance. Spell ends in an hour or if we do anything harmful to it or attack it. Okay. So he thinks you are friendly acquaintances. Yeah. Hey, bud. Come on. Fish are friends. You guys are doing this wrong. Let's go.

Let me show you how it's how you do it. By the way, really quick. Isn't there like a Bugs Bunny cartoon where he literally does this move? I'm pretty sure there is. Yeah. Like where he's like, no, this is how you cook like wabbit. And then he like gets out and like shows him how to do it. Yeah. Oh, man, I'm getting some Looney Tunes flashbacks. So with him charmed, I'll give you another go at persuading him. And this time it won't be with disadvantage. It'll just be a straight roll. Because he would still eat his friend. He is an orc.

That's true. That's true. You guys don't even know what kind of universe of good eating you're missing out on. You're going to just throw that away? The chance to have the most delicious meal of your life? We can give that to you, bro. Do I have inspiration? I don't.

With a persuasion, that's a three plus nine. That's 12. No, that will not do it. You can hear some of the orcs tittering amongst themselves. They go, I love it when the food tries to talk its way out of being food. It's like my favorite thing. It's like, that's the appetizer. I know it is.

He's like, that's the appetite. They're agreeing with each other. Shit. And they're toasting with big mugs of mead that's coming out of this one barrel in the center of the dining hall. And they're all like, yeah, yeah. And they're drinking and they're toasting each other. Okay, so you're out of actions for this. Who else wants to try something? He does still think I'm friendly, though. He does still think you're a friend, but he'll just feel a little bit bad while he eats you. Ron taps Glenn on the shoulder and he says...

Hey, do you still have that big flask of any sort of liquid thing? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I got it right here. So what's the worst liquid?

I personally don't like unsweetened iced tea, but I'm thinking like something that would make us very unappealing to anybody who wanted to eat us if it was covering our bodies. Point of order. You know, Ron, I love the energy. I love the idea. If we're in a big thing over a big thing of fire, couldn't we just dump water onto the fire? That's a good point. Now, it will be a gallon of liquid and we could dump. Oh, yeah, that's not going to put the thing out.

Okay, sorry. There's eight ounces of acid in here, though. Not the LSD kind. Well, no. Did we say it's the LSD kind? No, it could be acid-acid. We could cut through the... Why not both?

I was going to suggest that we dunk ourselves in patchouli because nobody likes the smell of patchouli. Or we could put ourselves in Vaseline and then just squeeze through the bars. If you have acid, pretend to spit acid on this dude's face so it melts his face off and then ask if they've ever eaten anything like us and then explain that we're creatures. If you eat us, we're poisonous. Like we're poison frogs. Like they can't eat us. We got acid inside us.

It's really dangerous to eat us. Okay, I'm out of turns, but anyone else can take this. No, it's Ron's. It's Ron's. I think use the acid on the lox. I think that's probably the best move. So hold on really quick. Just to remind everyone, I have acid, basic poison, beer, honey, mayo, oil, vinegar, fresh water, salt water, and wine. The other one is you could poison. Like we would just like smear ourselves with poison. That's probably not good. Okay.

Because they'd already be trying to eat us, I guess, and we might already be dead by then. If they're at the point where they're biting into our poison-soaked flesh, we're probably screwed. Because you have the moral victory. All right, we let them eat one of the kids covered in poison.

Henry's got two kids. But I came up with the idea. No, I'm just kidding. Go ahead, Beth. Okay, so Ron turns to Terry and says, Okay, Terry, so I saw you try to do that great bicycle kick earlier, and it didn't quite work out. But I know you, you know, if they have you in the first half, you'll come right back in the second half. I actually haven't seen any of your games, but that's what I've been told. But you were there. Yeah, I was. I was.

So I didn't see. What were you doing? There were some orange slices and I don't remember the rest. There was some orange slices and some Gatorade. And then I got arrested for something. So I was thinking, I'm going to pour the acid on.

the ball part of my skip it. And if you can just kick it right into that, the chain part of the skip it where it's already weak, where the door is at its weakest, score that goal and buddy will be home free. We'll just sneak out of that door. Uh,

Okay. I appreciate you having a faith in me to do that. Oh, I don't. I just don't really – I don't think I could do it. So, yeah, I do have faith in you, Terry. That's probably fair. I have faith in you. Why are you laughing like that? When you said it and I thought that's sweet and then you did that laugh and now I don't think it's – No, laughing is a good thing. We laugh when we're happy. Yeah.

I just don't like your, your lat has a nefarious quality to it that I'm really, it's really hard for me to get behind. Okay. Well, why not get behind this sick ball? And then I, like, I guess I, I put the ball part of the skippet, like right in front of Terry and then pour the, can I ask Glenn to like pour the,

acid on? You can grab the jug for me, but like, wait, wait, wait, you're covering the ball in acid. How is this going to work? If he like kicks it immediately and it hits into the, you've got the force of the kick plus the damage of the acid. Cause it's an acidy ball. As long as he kicks it before the ball melts, then it'll be good to go. And then immediately takes his shoe off. It's basic physics. And then plus the ball will probably be a little eaten and corroded. So maybe it'll be pointier and it'll like wedge in there more or something. Yeah. Yeah. Let's give it a shot. Let's go. Um, what do I have to roll for this?

You don't have to rule anything. I guess you're basically giving your action to him in a sense. So you pour the acid on the ball and then Terry Jr. lines up and he gets a really good kick on the ball. I don't know how you describe sports things. Guys, we have found Anthony's weakness. He bends it like Beckham. He does. He bends it exactly like Beckham. Victory with Sylvester Stallone. That's the only two soccer movies I know.

So he kicks it and it hits the gate and bounces right back at him and he kicks it again and it bounces back at him and he kicks it again and it snaps off two of the bottom locks because it has been weakened so much by that chain. So there's only one lock remaining. Do the orcs notice what we're doing? They do. Oh, look at that. They're trying to get away. Yay!

It's more fun because if they get to run and the adrenaline gets pumping and it tastes a little bit sweeter It's like a little sweet with the savory. That's what you need. That's why I always put salt in my ice cream Ron is yelling go Right so who hasn't taken an action yet is it just Daryl? Yeah, Daryl You're the last guy. It seems like we're pointing to just straight up. I guess we're just gonna combat this shit We tried everything so I mean they didn't you didn't say they took any of ours. We have all of our stuff. Oh

All right. Well, all right. I look at everybody and I say, everybody get ready because we're about to crack this baby open. And I take my axe and I swing my axe at the last lock. Okay. Give me an attack roll. That is 17 because it's plus six. So, yeah, 11 plus six. Yeah.

You snap the lock off with a single cleave of your axe. I'm basically gonna roll a d6 now to see what position the cage was in when you did that, because the door's just gonna swing open.

Okay, so you rolled a six. So it's basically on top of you. So you all have an action to get ready to see what you want to do by the time it gets to its side and you could like jump out of it. Can I get a clarification? I'm having a hard time visualizing. So we're in a cage hanging over fire. Imagine you're in a D6, right? It's rotating. Yeah, and it's rotating. And the door was on the six face and the six face is facing completely upward. Oh, so the whole time this has been going on, we've been walking like gerbils kind of just like. Exactly. You've been fucking the guy in 2001 A Space Odyssey. Okay.

So there's basically one edge of the spit that is only about five feet away from the lip of the fire pit. And they were just throwing each of you into the cage individually from that lip of the fire pit. So there is definitely a way for you to just jump out to safety if you can make a five foot jump. Okay. Shit. Now I'm like, should we? I mean, you don't want to throw the kids out first, but you don't want to leave the kids in here, right? How big is the fire? It's a big old roaring fire, right? Yeah. It's basically the size of a small swimming pool.

Jeez. Oh, shit, that's huge. Wait, wait, how big is a small swimming pool? You're talking about like a kiddie pool? Like an outdoor pool? No, I'm talking about like 30 feet by 30 feet. A 30 foot by 30 foot fire, Anthony? Yeah, it's a big ass pit fire made by Orcs. There are 40 of them. They all do this as their entertainment. I told you, like, illuminated. Is this room completely covered in smoke? Like, how high is the ceiling of this cave? Pretty high. It's ventilated. And there's a vent. So I have a move. I'm going to cast pyrotechnics.

So there's a couple of things here. I realize I've been doing it wrong in the past. So from now on, I'm doing it right. Choose an area of non-magical flame that you can see and that fits within a five foot cube within that range. So I'm going to take a five foot cubic section of the fire beneath us. Nice. I can extinguish the fire in that area and I create either fireworks or smoke when I do. Ooh.

So this is me reaching into like my coat of like... My coat of many vapes? Yeah, no, no, that's what it is. I'm throwing the battery of my vape, a lipo battery, which once you throw, you know how they say don't dispose of those in fires, right? Because otherwise they'll cause a significant amount of smoke and all that shit. Only in the fires of Mount Doom can this vape be made. It's quite cool. It's quite cool. Smoke this vape, Frodo.

I'll do smoke because we're above all of this, right? Yeah. Smoke will be thick black smoke spreads out in a 20 foot radius moving around corners. I think you mean a billowy cotton cloud, Freddie. I think. Yeah. Does this make it harder to see the lip of the pit that we have to jump to? I feel like we're above it. We knew where we got thrown into and this is below us. We're above the fire, right?

Yeah. How high above the fire are we? The lip itself is like more or less flush, like the fire going straight down is like 20 feet. Like it's pretty. We're 20 feet above it. All right. So that is that just happens, my man. That's OK. I've done that. That's my move. So, yeah, nobody's in the smoke because they're all at the outside of the fire pit. So it doesn't affect anybody yet. But it's definitely going to prevent them from doing any range attacks on you with. I mean, if they did, they would have significant disadvantage.

Okay, everybody, I think when this thing turns around towards the left, we all got to jump for it. Grant, grab onto my back, and I kind of get down so he can piggyback. All right, Terry, can I hop on your back, please? Terry's like, Jesus Christ. Yeah, okay.

So you hop on the terrier's back. Wait, what? You actually... Yeah, he's bigger than I am. This is hilarious. Look at his face like, this is not the first time this has happened. Grant tries to, like, he flops his left arm over your shoulder and then grabs you with his right shoulder, like, putting your neck around the crook of his elbow. Yep. I want to clarify that Ron is taking whatever remains of the skip it with him. Okay, it's definitely going to be way less useful now because it's been crushed and acid down. Yeah.

I trust Nick to make this jump on his own. Okay. Anthony, I'd like to do something weird. Can I do something weird, please? On this podcast? Surely, you just. I'm going to cast Entangle right beneath the ledge so that a bunch of tangly weeds sprout out of the side wall of the fire pit. And if anyone misses, my hope is that the Entangle will grab them. Okay.

Oh, cool. Yeah. I love that. That's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a Spider-Man kind of move. So I cast Entangle and I say, shoot for the ledge and if you miss, you'll land among the weeds. Okay, cool. Aw. Are they flammable? Yeah. The second you make them, they already are starting to catch fire, but they're maintaining a little bit of their...

Their tension. This is so much worse. So the second that the jump becomes a viable possibility, before the thought has even crossed your mind, like, hey, maybe I should jump, you already see Peyton leaping out of the cage going, hero time, baby. And he jumps through the air, and I'm going to roll dexterity for him. Oh, I'm very scared.

And he got a 19. So he's fine. He lands perfectly. And then he just turns around. Like he turns just with his head around, uh, back to you. Like his body stays where it is. And he goes paid style. And it's like, it's a weirdly feminine pose, but it still kind of works for him. Uh, no, I do. Is this the first physical feat that Peyton has actually succeeded in on the podcast? I think you're right. I mean, he successfully sliced it. Glenn's tendons to get his hiccups gone. And it did get Freddie's hiccups gone. Ha,

That's true. I did work on that. Two on the board for Peyton. So yeah, everybody that wants to jump with one of their kids, give me a dexterity roll. Well, my kid is jumping with me. Oh yeah. Okay. Terry will roll dexterity with you. This is great. I'll just give Anthony all of my rolls. You don't want to do that anymore because he got a natural one. Oh my God. Oh no.

Can I try to like reach out to like grab? No, you gave me the role, motherfucker. You got to reap the consequences. And I can't react to it? No. Well, you have to react to what he says. I feel like it winds up being like, do you know when Mario, when Mario's riding Yoshi and then you kick off of Yoshi to land on the ledge? I feel like Ron accidentally kicks Terry down and jumps up.

That's actually great. So yeah, Ron, you get to make your own roll separate from Terry. This is so sad. I've done so much work with him. I've built up so much trust. What am I rolling? Dexterity. Dexterity. Or acrobatics, actually. Acrobatics. Oh, that's good. Okay, so I got a 14. You jump out and you grab onto the ledge with your arms. You haven't pulled yourself all the way up yet, but you're stable. And the reason that you managed to get that much height is because you kicked with your legs and just...

Exactly like Mario and Yoshi, as Will described. He just went straight down. Into the net though, right? Because of the smoke, you can't see what happens to him. It's like... Wait, he's all the way down there. He's just falling. It's like the end of Indiana Jones The Last Crusade when Elsa's going for the grail and she's like, wah! And goes into the fucking dry ice fog. It's like he falls for a second and all of a sudden he just vanishes.

So everybody else give me your rolls. Okay, I rolled a 12. Much like Ron, you grab onto the lip, but you haven't fully pulled yourself up yet. And immediately Grant starts trying to climb over you to get the weight off of your back and pull you up with this one good arm. Great. Everybody else. If I want to throw my beautiful boys, is that a strength or a dexterity?

That is a string. Oh, shit. I'm not as strong as I am dexterous. Damn it. How far is it? It's like a five foot jump, right? Yeah, it's not that bad. I'm going to let them jump on their own. And then I'm going to jump for my entangled mesh of vines to see if I can see Nick. Okay. So not Nick. If I can see Terry. Because you're jumping into your vines, you'll get to do your dexterity with advantage. Okay, great. So they will roll individually.

So Lark jumps for it and he grabs onto the ledge and then Sparrow leaps beautifully like the bird for which he is named, known for its leaping. And...

Good save, Anthony. No one will know. Lands with both of his feet on the top of the lip and then immediately reaches down and grabs Lark and begins to pull him up. So what happened with your jump? It would be brutal if one of them landed on the other one's hands. Oh, like a full on Lion King Mufasa moment. Yeah. Or like the good son where he's like, if I let you go, I jump and I got a 17. So I basically stick into I'm aiming for like the bottom of my sticky mess. Oh,

Okay. I dive into my own thick, sticky mess. Okay, so you successfully land on your horrible, sticky mess, but the weight of a full-ass adult hitting it means that you only have one more thing that you can do before it completely burns and collapses underneath you. Can he see Terry Jr.? So Terry is... Terry's dead. What?

Yeah, you see his body. Y'all remember Terminator 2? Oh my God. So you see Terry Jr. is barely holding on to a glob of burned fat that is on the side of the pit. And his shoes are beginning to melt. Nick is going to make his roll. Actually, Glenn, why don't you make your roll first? So I rolled a nat 20, baby. Nice.

Okay, so you describe what happens when you jump. Well, here's a question because I'm gonna let Nick go first. So if he fucks up his roll, that's gonna affect how- Oh, then your 20 will probably go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So how about Nick goes first? Okay, so Nick goes first and he whiffs it completely. He just trips and just falls. But with your 20, you basically have time to save him whatever way you wish. So I'm gonna whip out my sick chucks.

I'm not going to flourish, but I am going to use it as a grip extender. The way I see it is this. With the natural 20, I make it across effortlessly. I blade pose, you know, the usual. But I know this, that Nick isn't there. So I quickly, in one smooth motion, whip around, pull out the chucks and reach them out for him to grab. Okay. And to pull him up. He grabs onto him. And now he's dangling and you've got him. But he is dangling. So is that everybody? Has everybody gone? Yeah. Yeah.

So I'm part tiefling or whatever. So I have dark vision and which I've never used before. But I'm wondering if I can do like a sort of goofy movie perfect cast scenario where I like give my fishing lure to send the fishing lure down to Terry Jr. and try to pull him up. But you've just got the lure, right? You don't have a rod. Oh, yeah. We've got a Ron, though.

You have to skip it, don't you? Yeah, but it's like, it's not long enough. And it's covered in acid. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So all the orcs see like, oh, cool, they got out. That means we get to do the old stab and shove where we cut them up with our knives and throw them back in. And as you hear them beginning to say that, they all start to double over slowly. Uh-oh. And they go, and they're looking at their mugs and at the barrel and they go, oh.

And they start vomiting blood and falling over themselves. And it's just the sea of orcs just vomiting in each other's faces and slipping into vomit and all that kind of stuff is just surrounding you. And they're so focused on that that they can't attack you. So you get basically one more action trying to deal with your kids. Is this happening to Moz also? Yeah, it is. So everybody, I can't see anybody who's not throwing up blood. No, every single orc is vomiting. Cool. Well, all right. We won. Yeah, we did it.

There's still a kid roasting alive at the bottom of this pit. Are we going to turn order or anything? I have an idea. You can go whatever order you like. I am going to... How far am I from Nick? I mean, from not Nick. How am I far from my... Okay, no, I'm establishing. I've done it twice now. Henry thinks that Terry's name is Nick and that Nick's name is Terry. Classic dad. Okay, so how far is Terry from Henry? He's about 10 feet down. Henry goes, Nick...

Reach out for my hands. And so then here's what I'm going to do is I'm going to stick my feet into the entangled web and then fall backwards so that my hands are dangling down. Like now, you know, a five foot jump from Terry. I'm now I'm just going to be even harder to remember what their names are. And so basically what I'm trying to do is I cast jump, which is if I touch someone, they can jump super high. So what I want to do is like do a double high five to Terry so that he can slap my hands and then jump up over the top of the pit. Wow.

Wow. Okay, that's awesome. Okay, so he's going to roll to basically do an Obi-Wan from The Phantom Menace. I was going to say the same thing. It's over, Terry. I have the high ground. Perfect. So he gets a 15. So he dexterously, with Ewan McGregorian skill... Don't say that, then I'll be like, my son's so hot. Okay.

hurls himself upward slaps your hand with his and all of a sudden goes like oh okay what and like just presses down with both of his legs and how far is allowing to jump um good question let's look that up

Hey, guys. Hope you're all enjoying the podcast while I look this up. His jump distance is tripled until the spell ends. Oh, Jesus. Okay. So he's got some pretty good legs on him, so he immediately just plants his feet in the side of the pit and jumps upward and dexterously lands on the lip and comes to a standing position and then turns and looks at Ron with a venom that is unfortunately familiar, but you had recently thought yourself immune to. Ooh.

But because I said you only get one more action before those vines break under your feet and burn. Uh-oh. They just break, and now you're sliding down the edge of the pit. Now, this is where Nick, dangling, I'm going to say, Nick, try and grab onto Mr. Oak. Okay. You can call me Henry if you want. I wasn't trying to be a dick about that earlier. Sometimes you got to just go with what weird old people want. Sometimes, Nick, yeah. Yeah.

Okay, so Nick goes, grab my hand, old guy. And he reaches out. Grab my hand, boomer. He reaches out and he grabs you. And the weight of two people pulling on Glenn, that caused... So give me a strength check. Matt, this is where you could use some help from you, my man. Daryl's going to have to do a Christian Bale Dark Knight bicep curl. Yep, pretty much. Strength...

Just an eight. Oh, OK. So you start to tumble over as well. Like you fall onto your stomach and you're starting to get pulled into the fire as well from the weight of these two people holding onto each other. While Glenn is falling, I think I reach because I'm still on the lip, right? Yeah. Oh, shit. So I got like one hand on the lip and then like I reached out with my other hand and I grab him.

Okay, give me a strength check with disadvantage. Actually, who are you grabbing for? I'm grabbing Glenn, because Glenn's falling, right? Right. And then Glenn's attached to... They're all attached together at this point, correct? Yes, and if you're going to do it with one hand, that's a strength check with disadvantage. Yes, yes, but I'm going to... Honestly, I'm in great pain, so I'm entering rage. Okay. I got one more of that before... I can do it four times before a long rest, so I got plenty. It's called the refractory period. No way.

Oh, yeah. I gain advantage on strength checks. Okay, so the disadvantage cancels out the advantage, so you just roll a straight strength check. Okay. Here we go. Come on, Matt. We need you on this one. I know. Oh, no. I got a two. Plus a six.

So that's an eight. Yeah, that ain't got nothing to do with my man. So you reach out to grab him and it's just too many goddamn people and you let go with the other hand. It's too much and your grip, you lose your grip with the other hand and you start to fall too. Ha ha.

It's all up to Ron. Okay. Ron, just reach out and hold us all. You can just hold us all. Oh, damn. I scream, Ron, take care of my kids as I'm falling. Ron, propelled by the fear of ever doing that, whips out one of his thick-ass, razor-sharp business cards. And who's at the very bottom? Henry is.

Let's see. I'm so curious. I'm desperate to see what this is. Who's down there? It's Henry and then Nick and then Glenn and then you. Okay. I'm going to try to stab. I'm going to try to stab Daryl through the hand, like to like, to like latch him to the rock, like a fucking carabiner. You're going to try to pin him?

Wait, with a business card? Yeah. They're weapons. It doesn't have to come to a point. Like, they're sharp on the end. You would just, like, cut his hand. Okay, then through his... You have a dagger, though, right? You got a dagger. Okay. You're a rogue. You got a dagger. Okay, so I take my dagger, and then I stab it through Daryl's hand into the rock to hold them at least temporarily before, like, we can help them back up. Okay, roll an attack.

You're going to want to aim for his forearm, probably. Yeah, this is sick. I know some crucifixion. So there was no way they crucified Christ. I had the exact same thought. Yeah, they wouldn't crucify Christ in the palm because then you just rip up. You want to do it at the wrist where there's a meeting point of the, so there's like a good hook right here. We're recording like on Good Friday, right? Yes, we are.

Oh, man. Check back in a couple days. See if we make it. OK, so rolling an attack. Does this happen to constitute a like a sneak attack?

Absolutely not. No, no, no, Anthony, Anthony, I would posit that Daryl is not expecting this. Yeah, nobody's really expecting me to do this. To be fair, I did scream. I was looking at you and said, take care of my boy. That's falling. Yeah, there's a difference between are you expecting it and are you literally looking at the person who's doing it? To be fair, though, Beth, I think sneak attack is just damage. Not it. I don't think it adds to your attack. It would only just rip up more of his veins. God. Okay, I'm going to roll.

Oh, Jesus. Okay, so I got a 17 plus plus two. Is this the same hand that got ripped off by the library? I'm just going to do it canonically because I was miming it for everybody on camera, so my left hand was holding me up. So my right, you're going to stab my left hand. So with a 19...

You successfully stabbed through the meat of Daryl's wrist. So Daryl, take a... What is the damage on that weapon? 1d6 plus 2. Oh, sh... Okay, so go ahead and roll a d6 and then add 2 to it. I have resistance to piercing. It is definitely piercing, so it only does half damage, whatever you get. So it's not going to be that bad. That is 1 plus 2. So you only take 2 damage from...

from the surgical precision of the knife stab. Does it stop us? Stop us from falling? It stops you from falling, but you can definitely feel it like beginning to like... Oh, God. So I feel like at first, because there's so little damage, like I've already closed my eyes and like I'm just praying as I'm falling. And then I suddenly realized like I feel my right arm tug and then I feel my left arm tug. I'm like, what? And then I kind of opened my eyes. I'm like, that doesn't hurt at all. What happened? And I look at him and I go...

And I see that there's a dagger stuck through my wrist into the wall. And then I look down at, am I holding onto Glenn? And I'm like screaming, like guys, grab onto something, pull yourself up. Can I like grab onto over the ledge and just like run, run, run, grab his other hand and then stab that one. I only have one knife. I think my other hand is way out of reach.

Oh, that's right, because you're holding on to the kids. That's right. Yeah. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to have all the surviving. So yeah, you can lean over and grab onto his hand. Like a scar mufasa. And relieve some of the pressure. Tableau. Yeah, you can reach over and grab her. And then now Terry and the twins and Peyton are going to also each individually try to roll strength to see if they can pull you up.

Okay, so all of them are insanely weak. Makes sense. They're soccer players, not football players. Yeah, yeah. If they needed to kick you down, it would be a different story. But they all try to pull, and it's just not quite doing it. And you can see as the tension of the people pulling down on your body, Daryl, the knife is beginning to wiggle free of the rock because it's not designed to go into rock or whatever. And it wiggles, and then...

It wrenches free. And for a horrible second, you feel completely weightless. You feel like you were going to fall. And even the strength of Ron and all of the kids is not supporting you. And you fall for a couple of inches. Then all of a sudden you dead stop.

And, Bron, if you look behind you, you can see that the kids are holding on to you. And then behind the kids, there's this, like, green length of something that is wrapped around the stomachs of Lark and Sparrow. And its other end is wrapped around a pillar of the cave. And you can see at the other end, the end that's wrapped around the pillar, you see the face of Chekhov's snake. And it begins to coil inward. Oh, my God! The snake we rescued from Boreana!

And pull you guys upward. And it's just enough to stabilize you so that everybody else gets another strength attempt to try to climb their way up this ladder of dudes. So who's at the bottom right now? Henry. All right, so Henry, you can try to climb up. For a second, I thought it was going to be like, this shows you how much I miss this. I thought it was going to be my dad, but I'm more excited that it was the same. I thought it was going to be Daryl. I got a two.

Actually, wait, wait, wait. What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? Henry's going to cast jump on himself and jump out of the pit. Oh.

Okay, great. Yeah, all right. So I do that. Cool. That doesn't take a spell slot? Jump is a first level spell, so I can cast it as many times as I want. Not as many times as I want, but I have four level one spell slots, so I've cast two level one spells now. Oh, fantastic. Okay. So yeah, you managed to jump out. Wait, and then as I'm doing that on the well, actually everyone else is getting a string. I was gonna be like, I could slap like two more, but I guess it's only one action. Spank a couple people. Spank some butts on the way up. Do you know what?

Yes, can I please just slap three asses on my way? I don't want to slap a kid's butt, though, so probably not. And you only cast one spell. Only one of us. I can't say no to the image of you going upward and going, do-do-do-do, and slapping all the asses in a line. All right, so basically I'm going to just burn through all my first level spell slots then. But you can't cast four spells in a row. Yeah, you've already done... Yeah, okay. All right. But you can slap everybody's butt. Just not everybody will get drunk. Yeah, you can just still slap...

slap butts and give everyone like a good, you know, morale boost. Just because, hey, Will, during soccer games, when they slap butts, they don't actually get a boost. It's a morale boost. That's why they do it. So wait, are we saying that I jump and slap butts on my way up? Or what are we? Okay. That's what you said. I mean, it's up to you. Yeah, it's not going to give them jump ability. Good game. Good game. As I launch up, first I fly past Nick and I give Nick a pat on the back because...

slapping a kid on the butt. And I say, good game, Nick. And then I slap Daryl on the butt and I slap Glenn on the butt and I say, good game, good game. And then I flip in the air and stick my landing. Perfect. Okay, now Nick's going to try to climb up. He's not going to jump after the... Oh, you're saying I'm not casting. No, you're not casting. You just slapped three butts for no reason. Slapping their butts for no reason. Apparently.

Apparently. Not for no reason. Daryl nodded and was like, hell yeah, coach. Like, yeah. So it's like, get back in the game. They gave advantage on their next strength rolls. Right, Anthony? Yeah. You'll get a plus one on your roll to climb up because of the morale that you have. Yes. Good hustle. Which means that with that, with the plus one, Nick got a six. So he's still, he's just not strong enough to pull himself up. So Glenn? So I'm going to use, instead of pulling myself up, I'm going to try and pull Nick up. You see what I'm saying? Because I can't.

And then I'm going to also say, Nick, use the knife to give yourself some leverage. You know what I mean? What was that one movie? Vertical Limit? I love Vertical Limit. It's a masterpiece. Easy. Oh, boy.

Looks like the close boys need to spend a little more time in the gym. That's a three plus zero. So three strength. See, you try to pull them up, but you can't even manage to do that. Just like, so you're still kind of stuck. Daryl, what does Nick do? Nick is trying to reach himself up. They're just both literally too weak to do anything. So he's still dangling from. So what I want to do is essentially I want to with my right hand.

which is holding onto Glenn. Like I want to like bicep curl them up. Yeah. And then with my left hand, I'm trying to, I guess I'm like using my feet to try to prop myself up. I'm trying to get my left hand up.

onto the lip is what I'm trying to do. Okay. You also have license to like remove the knife from your left hand just by force of like pulling back on your left hand if that's too inconvenient for the logistics. What I do is I Mad Max it. Fury wrote it. I like slam my wrist up against the wall so the knife comes popping out. Cool. Yeah. And I go and I slam against the wall and then I kind of reach up to the lip and I try to bicep curl them up. Okay. Um,

So just roll strength. Yeah, I think because everybody is holding on to you on the other end, it undoes the disadvantage you get. So I feel like you just get your normal advantage. Okay, so I have advantage because I have advantage for rage. Yes. Okay, cool. All right. Come on, Matt. My first one is a five. Okay. No, don't want that one. Want a better one. My second one is a 19 plus six. Hey.

So 25. Fucking awesome. So what do you do? Describe it. I slam my wrist and the knife goes flying out. And as the knife goes flying out, I also like kick it with my foot, like a football move. And I kick it over the lip and I'm assuming Grant like grabs it in midair. He's like, thanks for the knife, dad. And then I... No, he does not do that. None of that happens.

I imagine that in my head and that gives me the motivation to kind of like kick off the wall and I get my elbow up over the lip and then I just straight up bicep curl Glenn. And then as his face reaches my face, I go grab onto the ledge, buddy. And then I just keep pulling him up and I'm assuming Glenn grabs onto the ledge and then I start like pushing them one by one with my free hand. And then once they're all over the lip, I climb myself over. All right. So as you do that, you hear the sound of like

Actually, no, you don't hear it because as you're curling, everybody's screaming and stuff like that. But there's this faint, like, stretching, breaking, snapping, ripping noise. And once all of you are finally up on the lip, you see Chick-Off Snake uncurl itself with a sigh of relief. And it is awesome.

Far longer than it was the first time you saw it. It's been like stretched thin and there's like tears in it and stuff and it's kind of bleeding. And its fangs are dripping green slime and you can see a trail of the slime leading from where it currently is up to the big mead grog barrel that was in the room. He like poisoned it for us. Henry sees the snake and goes, whoa, a giant snake we've never seen before. I run over to the snake and go,

Buddy, are you okay? And he goes limp in your hands. Oh, no. Snake? Snake? Snake! It's gonna be all right. It'll be all right. Cause that's just life. And if you die, it'll be all right. It's gonna be all right. It's gonna be all right.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos as Henry Oak. Beth May as Ron Stampler. And myself, Freddie Wong, as Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is a ditty called All Right by Maxton Waller. Thanks to Eric Harrison this week for submitting a name we used in this episode. Eric gets to do that.

because he is a Patreon supporter. You know, the kinds of people that make stuff like this show happen. Oh, you don't know any? Well, let me introduce you to Bill Kraus, Ro Rovito, James Otter, Ken Jungfist, Marianne Dearborn, Chris Hammerberg, Doug Dennis, Mike Haranda, Devante Vincent Sample, and Bolt Kemp.

Consider supporting us on Patreon, where you can get bonus content, perks, and now an ad-free feed of the episodes starting at just five bucks a month. Head on over to patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads and have a look at what we have on offer. See if anything tickles your fancy. Patrons also get early access to merch, which we're gearing up to finally get some sick t-shirts and new pins out there by the end of this week.

We have a vintage Chuck E. Cheese looking shirt that says Bull E. Wugs, Stampler hoodies, a whole bunch more. If you're a patron, you already know, keep an eye out for those. And for the rest of you, more merch is coming in the next couple of weeks. That's going to be on our site, dungeonsanddaddies.com. You can find us at twitter.com slash dungeonsanddads, bit.ly slash dungeon dads for our Facebook group, and r slash dungeonsanddaddies for our subreddit.

If you want to send us something, by the way, you can do that. We have a P.O. Box now. That's going to be P.O. Box 90853 on 9029 Airport Boulevard, Los Angeles, California, 9009. I'm going to write that out in the description in case you didn't get that the first time. Next episode, May 12th. And finally, just a quick note from the dads over here to all of you. We've been getting a lot

of really touching messages from folks out there these past few weeks, from healthcare workers to folks going through a tough time. Let me just take a quick moment to say that we are all over here moved beyond words and we're very happy that this silly show can be a source of joy and laughter for you. So thank you all for listening and don't worry, we take the business of being bad dads very seriously. We're gonna be right here slinging dice and misplaying D&D and making Anthony's life a living hell no matter what!

So stick right along here with us, won't you? We'll see you all May 12th. Thanks for listening. But do you want to know how you can ruin that movie, Casino Royale, for yourself forever?

Oh, no. Yeah, go ahead. Is the observation that Eva Green does not look at one of his eyes at any given time. She is constantly looking at both eyes on every one of her shots. Once you see it, you cannot unsee the ping-ponging eye. Like, watch Casino Royale. Oh, so she goes from one of his eyes to the other eye. She will go from eye to eye just constantly, and the whole time she's like...

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