Ep. 31 - Home! Err... the Odyssey! 01:11:42

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That's BlueNile.com. Dungeons & Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

At Air D&D, we believe in connecting travelers with distinctive, unique spaces all across the Forgotten Realms. Real reviews left by real travelers just like you means you'll know exactly what to expect before you check in. Here's a review of the Vixens Gale just outside Neverwinter. Our scheduled check-in time was 3 p.m. At 8.45 p.m., a man stumbled out into the alley to hawk the biggest loogie I or my husband had ever seen.

which landed on our youngest daughter. He asked if we were checking in and offered to grab our bags. He smelled like ham dipped in old milk and he could not have been nicer. Later, my husband and I grabbed drinks at the bar. The tables are so sticky you have to lap your ale right from the flagon like a dog. Between hooded figures beckoning us over with bloody fingers and a stream of fresh-faced adventurers with unbalanced parties,

Book your next trip to a roadside inner tavern on AirDnD.

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Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Dungeons and Daddies. And as of last episode, finally, a D&D podcast. Yes. It's a podcast about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bard of the group. This week's Glenn fact. So we got a sneak peek at Bartholomew the Bard last week. That was a full peek.

Glenn is actually making a reference there that you don't know about. Bartholomew was the first band leader in the first band that Glenn was in. It was Bart and the Good Time Boys. It was like a bluegrass hoedown band. And Glenn hated Bartholomew. His name was Bart Samson. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

No. And so he hated old Bart Sampson, hated that cartoon ass band and was making fun of old Bart. He wanted him to play washtub bass and he was like, fuck this. I'm out. This is all so specific.

Bart Sampson. I want to learn more about Bart. Bart. Bart seems like a cool dude. We may learn a little bit more if Glenn needs to bring out the old, you know, what Glenn thinks of when he thinks like traveling bard asshole. I was hoping you were going to name your bard Balthazar, which I feel like is what Shakespeare always names the bards in his plays. It feels like I didn't read any of that shit when he was in school. Are you kidding?

There's always a moment in a Shakespeare play where somebody turns to Balthazar and is like, Balthazar, drop me a fat-ass poem. And then, like, Balthazar sings, like, a poem, and it's, like, a whole thing. And then, like, in high school, I have to write an essay about the poem. Which play? Like, I think there might be a Balthazar in, like, Merchant of Venice, but... I know for sure there's one in Much Ado About Nothing. That's, like, my main Balthazar. Nice. That's the Balthazar I stan. Famous Shakespeare Balthazars.

Oh, he's also in Romeo and Juliet. See, he's kind of like the Nick Fury of the Shakespeare universe. There's a Balthazar in Merchant of Venice, Much Ado About Nothing, Comedy of Errors, and Romeo and Juliet. He's like Stan Lee. Is that the same Balthazar? Or is that like Anthony always using the words, names Jimmy and Ellery for every single character? Yeah.

Is it the same character or is it just six year ran out names? It's just for my working drafts. Just because you read a horror sex comedy where Ellery ripped Jimmy's dick off doesn't mean that it's canonically the characters from VGHS. It's a really good sex horror comedy too. Mamma Mia. Mamma Mia. No one will ever see it. All right.

Hi, my name is Matt Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home, very much so, stay-at-home coach dad. Now, he turns into a barbarian once he enters the Forgotten Realms. Just because I'm so excited to play fucking Dungeons & Dragons, I'm just keeping it simple here. Just that Daryl's favorite ice cream is Rocky Road.

That's about it. Wow. That's a good ice cream. Every time he's on like rough road, he goes, I feel like ice cream. And then every time he gets Rocky Road, he goes, I hope this is the only Rocky Road we have today. He just does that. He just, you know, he just constantly eating this ice cream. But it's like a full meal for ice cream. What is your favorite ice cream? My favorite ice cream? The opposite. I hate Rocky Road. I don't like nuts. I don't like nuts and ice cream brownies. Get those nuts out of anything. That's not just my hand. Such range. Oh,

Very good. Very, very good. Well done, Matt. When Daryl eats Rocky Road ice cream, does he go like, oh, this is going to go straight to my shocks? No, but he didn't come up with that, but he overheard another dad say it, and then he uses it all the time. That's very good. I do like marshmallows and stuff. I'm a fan of marshmallows and stuff. Yeah. I'm a subtle Mallow fan. You know, I can't have too much Marsh, but a little bit of Mallow.

Mellow Mallow. You know when you see those like $5 like homemade marshmallows that are just like four marshmallows that are like a cube? And you're like, who buys those marshmallows? Oh, that's me. I buy those marshmallows. I like marshmallows. All right. The gourmand. Hey.

Hey everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Henry Oak, the granola munchin, Birkenstock rockin, hippie nature druid dad of the dads. And, uh, my dad fact this week is good news, guys. I have been putting all of my time in social distancing to remember like we talked about last week. I've been thinking long and hard about what Henry's favorite porn is. Are you ready? Oh no. Wait, how much did you do a lot of research? I did. Uh,

a lot of thinking and a lot of research. A lot of hands-on research. And he needs a place to stay now. Cherish has kicked him out. All right. All right. So Henry's favorite porn is World Peace. Yeah.

So allow me to explain. I don't want to. All of Henry's sexual fantasies start with world peace. It's like, all right, well, first things first, world peace, right? Because you've got to start there. Because then everyone's all laid back. Think about how much more sexy and uninhibited we would be if there was world peace. So of course, for Henry, that's where all of his sexual fantasies start. Oh, I misheard that as world peas. Ha ha ha.

No. Well, that too. Oh, no. It's like wrestling in a tub of Jell-O for vegans. What? Oh. It's a big tub full of world peas. No, no, no, no. That's not what he was saying. Oh, no, no, no. That's not what I was saying, my friend. You were giving him too much credit. Oh, no, no, no.

I don't know. I don't get it. As in a verb, not as in a noun. When you listen to this later, Will, you're going to really slap your knee. When you see it, your shit breaks. You're really going to wet yourself. Well, like, I just feel like it wouldn't be the right time. Like, say that, like, there was this happy ending and the alien invasion was avoided. Like, it wouldn't be the right time to just get, like, fucking up.

rage and boner like no but it's like the world is just so much more bellow you know like i imagine henry always pictures like a star trek gene roddenberry as vision of where everyone rods and berries baby yeah anyway that's henry's dad fact this week and i'm sticking to it

Hey, I'm Beth May, and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun meta dad fact this week. Not as interesting, maybe, as everybody else's dad facts.

Yeah, Rocky Road is pretty interesting. Yeah, it was like, I don't know. I just yearn for that amount of interest. Somebody on Twitter where you can reach me at HeyBethMay asked me... Always be plugging. Yeah. Like, comment, subscribe. Asked me if Willie, Ron's father...

was, uh, related at all to Willie Loman of death of a salesman. And that is exactly it. Um, my little pretentious theater mind was like the whole salesman traveling salesman thing. Willie sampler is based off of Willie Loman. And, um,

I don't think I've actually read the play all the way through. That was far and away the most interesting dad fact, by the way. Wow. Well, fuck me, Matt. Jeez. I said interesting. I like to think I made Will's more interesting, if you know what I mean. I'm so confused about what world peas means. I don't get it. Urine. What, like he whirls his pee?

The entire world urinates into his mouth and shit, you know, the world peas. Yeah, because I've seen like those quirky bumper stickers where it says visualize world peas, you know, like like the dish that's made with. That's not what Henry visualizes. You know what I mean? Just to clarify, when I was saying that it's like a jello fantasy, it's not that like the world is wrestling in its own collective urine. That's not.

That's not what it is. That's not Henry's favorite type of porn. Would you guys jump into a pool of jello? Yeah, of course. No, you die. Absolutely. No, you would die. You wouldn't drown. You can drown. It'd be worth. I would do it. No, because you can't float in it. You would just sink right to the bottom and you would try to gasp for air. You'd fill your lungs with jello. That's a risk I'm willing to take. How big is this pool?

Olympic. Yeah, like not Olympic. That's like a football field. You know, like an outdoor pool. Oh, an outdoor pool. A neighbor would have. No, yeah. That tells you I've never had a pool. And your neighbor is Michael Phelps. Unless you could somehow reach a ladder inside. No, you would die. But what a way to go.

Yeah. You just walk up to the shallow end. You'd have to fight your way through the jello to get there. I know what I'm doing on TikTok. I'm Anthony Birch. I'm your daddy master. Hello, dad. Hello. Yeah, I don't have any fun dad facts. Life is weird. I have no facts other than I'm currently sitting in my closet. Did you miss us? You want to play? Everybody ready to play? I hate that pause. I just breezed right past that. It's devastating.

So last episode, you kind of just had a nice little sort of like anime beach party chill out episode where... Can we call those episodes our five footers where we walk five feet? Like, you know what I mean? Like we should have a nickname for those episodes. Yeah, you had a five footer.

Isn't that encouraging? I know, I know. It's just like a term of endearment. You move five narrative feet. Yeah, you move five narrative feet. We fought a boss and we played Dungeons and Dragons and we had a campfire with our kids. You did not fight a boss. You had finished running away from a mini boss who you shot once and then walked away from.

I probably should have executed him now that I think about it. Yeah, Freddie really wanted to fight that boss. What you were overall trying to accomplish last time was in order to get home, the quickest way, or at least maybe the smartest way, would probably be to link up with Erin O'Neill, the Garden Witch, and Vince, her two-dimensional paramour. The person who cursed Vince into being two dimensions was a dimensional witch. And you think that maybe if it's about switching from one dimension to another, then they'll be able to help you. Her two-dimensional paramour. I prefer her two-dimensional panic at the disco. Am I right?

guys because it's like paramour it's like a band oh is it not even gonna how do you mute will i stormed into this podcast asking haven't you people ever opened the goddamn door i don't know anything about music so yeah you just woke up first things first glenn's gonna check his britches uh you did not shit yourself didn't even have to roll for it baby no i just don't good morning good morning dads dads kids everybody wake up you guys all wake

Yeah. Are we a quick question? Are we hitting this like an early morning road trip kind of early morning? Or is this like a lazy? Daryl always wakes up right before the sunrise. Oh no. Just naturally. It's football time. Daryl opens up the window and screams out, Hey food guy. Uh,

Anybody? Yeah, what? Can we get breakfast for nine? Breakfast for nine coming up. Give me another gold. I throw him another whole thing of gold. Oh, please don't ever leave. And three of them, no meat. No meat, right, right. No meat on three of them. Are eggs okay? Yeah, yeah, eggs aren't meat. That's fine. Perfect.

Daryl, why don't you go knock on the door to Henry's room and wake Henry up? I knock on the door. The door swings open and a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed Henry Oak stands up and says, Hey guys, how's it going? I've been up since four. Oh, feels great to finally get up and see my favorite TV show, The Sunrise. Don't worry about breakfast. I already ordered some. It's on the way. Should be here in about ten minutes. So, um, I got everyone vegan food. I figured it'd be nice for you guys to try it out. Ron says,

Hey, I'm still sleeping. Can you put me in the car and then I'll wake up while we're going? I just ordered breakfast. I guess we'll just that'll be that's fine. That's lunch for the road. Hey, I ordered three vegan just next time if you're gonna order food like, you know, like grand and I think paid into like they need that protein, you know, they're growing kids. So we just get meat.

You know, I know you are vegan, but if you could just, you know, appreciate our our dietary grants like there are other forms of Daryl that I had. Sure. You know, it was a little presumptuous of me to order for everyone. And I don't like it when people do that to me. So, you know, that was that was a bad move on my part. That's an old Henry foul. I apologize. Could you guys keep it down? I'm trying to sleep.

Lark and Sparrow are like, we hate this. This is like fighting, but not fighting. I go over to Ron's bed. Ron, are you curled up? Oh, yeah. Sleeps an absolute fetal in like a porcupine or a hedgehog pose.

I lift up your sheet and I start kind of like waving up and down. It's like, wake up, buddy. Come on. Big old day. We got to get up. Run, buddy. Terry looks over. He goes, he's sleeping. No, I know, but he's got, we got a bright old day. We got to get out of here, guys. We could get killed any second. I'm up. Your old stepdad, he's up and raring to go. Yeah, I'm just, is there coffee or anything around here? Maybe a Starbucks I can stop in and get, you know, just a puppuccino. Oh yeah,

All right. Well, we could. Well, why don't you just pour some out of that jar of yours, Glenn? Yeah, I don't know if a Starbucks Frappuccino is like on the list that things this jar could do. You know, I said a puppuccino. A puppuccino? Sorry, a puppuccino. My bad. Since I've been getting up every morning earlier than all of you this entire adventure, I've been using that thing to make myself a cup of Joan. I bet we could whip up a Frappuccino for our good friend Ron here. Sorry, guys.

really chipper today. It's just, you know, I'm so happy we've got the suns with us right now. I know it's going to be a big crazy adventure, but let's just start the day right and, you know, get on out of here. You know, I just have always felt that coffee tastes better when you buy it from someone. Yeah, I think coffee tastes better than anything. I want to go downstairs and check on the barkeep. All right, so the barkeep goes, what is it? Yeah, do you have coffee? Do we have coffee? Of course we have coffee. How many coffees would you like?

I guess two. Well, hey, Grant, you want coffee? Yeah, absolutely. I love coffee. Love that show. All right, so two more. God, am I taking drink orders for someone? God, this is like roadie moves. Mark and Sparrow are like, two each. One for each fist. Why don't you boys stick to your non-caffeinated herbal tea, okay? Of course. Wink. It's definitely a kombucha, Henry.

Oh, shit, that's right. Henry would definitely be rocking the booch. You know, actually, I got to ease back on the booch. I've been hitting it too hard. So Lark goes, Father, I was doing some reading on kombucha, and it turns out it has an alcoholic content. And I feel like I've been drinking so much of it lately that if I had any more, it might cause me to become inebriated, which would be very inappropriate for someone of my age. So perhaps some coffee could take the edge off of this kombucha hangover I have.

Mayhaps, mayhaps. That's exactly how that works, man. You know, Lark, that's a really wonderful and responsible attitude you have, but I think, like, even better than coffee would be a little bit of herbal tea. And I pull out one of those Celestial Seasonings tea packets that's been in my pocket literally this entire time. Oh, God. And I stir it up with some hot water. It's fine. I keep it in one of the condoms. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Lark looks down and he's like, why does this tea look lubricated? There's like an oily sheen on top of the water. This tea is whipped for her pleasure. So the barkeep hands you all, he spits in every single mug individually. I

And then pours them full of coffee. Hey, buddy, can we get those to go? Oh, yeah, absolutely. And then he spits into a bunch of smaller plastic cups or not plastic paper cups and then pours them in there. Like wooden mugs or something? No, they're like literally like scrolls that he just like sort of crumpled up the bottom and then like lick them to seal them and then pour the coffee inside. So if you hold them, they're extremely hot.

I'm going to still try it. I want to know what it tastes like. Yeah, I drink liquor, Joe. Is this like a Kopi Luwak, Civet Cat coffee kind of situation? Is it improved by the acidic nature of this barkeep's spittle? Oh my God. It's the best coffee you've ever had in your entire life. You got a natural 20.

Glenn pauses and goes, holy shit. Guys, you guys tasting this? This guy's mouth is like those civet cats the Indonesians use to poop out coffee beans, except it's his mouth. I take a big old gulp. Daryl likes it. He takes about two gulps for Daryl to finish his coffee before he goes out mowing the lawn. And he got...

Is his throat just like horribly scalded? If you're going to gulp the whole thing, make a constitution saving roll. Oh, by the way, just side fact, like my dad, he would drink coffee so freaking hot. I'm pretty sure he has no taste buds. Like I just like I did not understand how he would do it. But anyways, I got three. OK, so the inside of your entire throat is just scalded. And whatever you're going to eat for the next like two days, you cannot taste. Oh, God. Oh, I go. Hey, everybody. Yeah.

Don't don't drink that right away. It's very, very hot. Grant, be careful. Ron takes like a half hour and it's clearly like a Folgers commercial where he's like in a robe and he's the only one like in the window and he's like drinking and then looking out at the window like and then there's a jingle and then he's like, all right, I'm ready to go now.

I want to wait. I want to talk to the bartender really quick. Barkeep, what's your name? My name, which was given to me by my father, Philip Bedingfield. Thank you, Philip. Is Anderblam Tunkelswitch. One more time. Anderblam Tunkelswitch. Mr. Tunkelswitch, I'd like to license your spit.

Sorry. What up, sharks? I'd like to enter a licensing deal with your spit. Occasionally, we throw one at Anthony that even he can't roll with, and I love it when that happens. What would be the terms of such an arrangement? Well, we can do a standard kind of contract here. I can get my people to draft it up, but I think we can make big money here selling your spit as an additive to coffee.

We'll call it Tunkle Switch's Own. Or no, just Tunkle Switch. So your plan is to have me spit into several jars, write the word Tunkle Snitch on them, and then just sort of sell them to people. And then start a chain of coffee shops. Guys, here's my plan, right? Wait a second, Glenn. You're onto something. And here's the slogan. Switch to our coffee brand, which is a guy spits in it. Ha ha ha!

Make the tunkle switch. Yes. Oh, that's even better. Yeah, I just came up with that. I went to school for mock-a-ing and so it fell. Mock-a-ing? Mock-a-ing. I love that your British accent is just like removing syllables. Just omit consonants. That's the way you do it. Mock-a-ing. Mock-a-ing.

Hey, guys, could we do a quick dad huddle? Sure, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's up? Here's all I'm saying. All the kids want to get inside the huddle as well. Oh, yeah. No, no, kids, come in here. This is more like a group huddle. Yeah, Glenn, just one second. I appreciate everything that's going on right now, but just so that we're on the same page and I hand out, I've made itineraries for this whole day, and I hand them out to everybody. You made the AAA trip tick?

And I go, look, guys, like, I know this is really fun with the coffee, but just to remember, like, we are undercover and we got to get out of here. So if you see sunrise, we're supposed to have breakfast. So we're already a little bit behind time. But if we can have breakfast for 30 minutes after this, we got to call Aaron and then we all got to go to the bathroom and then it's going to be two hours until we go to the bathroom again. So I just, you know, I just want to make sure we're focused and...

So recess is during the potty break. I have potty break slash snack. And if the way you get reenergized is just a good old, you know, fun recess, then, you know, you can do that, too. Where's the park? We'll be driving. We don't exactly have like a Thomas guide or anything, but we'll figure it out. OK, so does that sound good for everybody? I just want to make sure we're on the same page with this itinerary and we can kind of, you know, I really don't want to get caught, you know, with our pants down from those guys that are, you know, your dads, which are, you know.

Coming to, uh, kids can close your ears. All right. All right. All right. Okay. Listen, Tunkel Switch, here, could you just fill up my canteen here with your spit and I'll pay you for that? How much are you, what's the going rate on my saliva? We're just, listen, we're in an exploratory moment here. No, no, no, give me a dollar value, my mate.

I've suddenly realized that I've come into contact with some pretty prestigious salivary glands, and I will not give them up for anyone. Glenn, Daryl's right. We need to get out of here. Just give the guy 10 gold, and let's move on. 10 gold, my stars and stripes.

Daryl's already packing the van. And the exclusive right to license your spit for the next year. Exclusively. So if I spit on someone in disgust, you consume me? That's fine. For the purposes of food additives. You're saying a non-compete. Yeah, non-compete clause. All right. Wait, wait. But if that person, I lean in as I'm trying to pack the van, but even I got to step in to be like, we can make some money off this. You can spit on somebody, but sir, if that person pays you to spit on somebody, we should get a piece of that.

I will only do pro bono spitting for the next year is what you're telling me. Okay. All right. Hey, you know what, Glenn? Why don't you write up that contract? I start writing it in the itinerary. Like, Glenn has five minutes. I'm furiously scribbling a contract, and it's full of deceptive clauses, Anthony. You'll have to roll. You'll have to roll to see if you can...

can parse the legalese like for example i'm gonna own the dunkle switch name like outright like it's full of deceptive clauses dang he rolled an 18 he rolled very well so he goes oh you're trying to put one over on old dunkle switch are you no no this is an old draft this is an old draft me better be okay fine i drop a fair contract with the terms as discussed that is that is all right

Are you ready to take your initial payment? Yes, I unscrew the thing. Hold out your hands. No, into my canteen. All right, if you insist. Ron holds out his hands. All right, guys, keep packing up. He's going to be filling this up while we load up the van. Did our postmates come?

And it's like one massive glob just comes out and into the canteen like an anime like fucking. I thought CERN going like was enough. It's like one of those big water drops that land before time. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yes. It perfectly fills the space. Oh my God.

Like a tree star? It sits on top of the bottle and kind of hovers there and then like, this goes in as the exact, it fills up the entire bottle. For a second, while it's hovering on the rim of it, it like looks like one of those old, like in the 90s, like here's what 3D graphics will look like in the future. No. Yeah.

All right. Your Postmates has arrived and he's carrying a bunch of eggs, just cooked eggs, just in his hands. He's holding 15 fried eggs in his meaty hands. Well, which one? Because we got two Postmates orders. We got Will's and there should be 20 meals here, buddy. Right, right, right. Here's the thing. I do not know

what breakfast is are asked around and people said eggs with a great deal of confusion so this is every egg I could find and I'm so very sorry but please take them they burn they burn so badly in my hands laughs

I go ahead and I take them and I say, hey, you know, I think it's only fair. You only gave us half the breakfast. You think we could get one of those coins back? Yeah, absolutely. And then he just starts peddling away. Oh, buddy. Yeah, no, I'll be right back. It's okay, Daryl. I just let him go. I cast my plant growing spell and I grow some carrots and I hand some carrots out to my boys. Oh, no. And they go, we want hand eggs. We want hand eggs.

Here you guys go. I start handing out hand eggs to everybody. I greedily eat this hand egg because maybe the people of this town have like special food properties. What does it taste like? Holy roll.

It tastes not very good at all. It tastes like a bad fried egg that somebody held in their lukewarm hand for 20 minutes as they biked back to you. And it's collected all the dust from him, like biking through the town. I go, Daryl, how long is the spit and egg section on your itinerary? Thanks for asking, Rob. We're actually getting a little bit behind schedule. So if we could all just quickly gobble these down and kind of get into the van, I'm pretty much packed up here. So if we could just, we could get going. Unless you guys really have something more you want to do in here before, you know,

I'm like, I'm like just saying that as I'm walking and holding the keys. I'm just like, so why don't we just all guys all want to hop in the van? So Lark and Sparrow definitely tried to grab one of the hand eggs and like Lark definitely tried to bite into it. Okay. Henry, are you allowed? Are they allowed to eat eggs? No, no, no.

No, they're not. Are you going to do anything to stop him? I hold my hands up and I'm like, sorry, buddy. Uh, you know, you gotta ask your dad for these. All right. Well, he's going to roll to just snatch out every hand like a gremlin. Okay. If I'm raising it high up. So he's got to like climb up me. Okay. He rolled an 18. What do I need to roll? I just roll opposed dexterity, I guess. Ah,

13 plus one, so I got 14. So he like, like the little problematic skeleton mummies from The Mummy 2, he like clambers up you like you're a tree, like, and it gets up to your hand and just grabs the hand egg out of it and just devours it one gulp, and he goes, Oh, jeez!

Come on. Come on. Delicious, delicious father. Lark, I need you to like be a buddy. Okay. Like you're going to be able to make your own food choices someday. But right now your vegan diet, it's just, it's going to be very bad for your tummy. All right. Do you see what you did wrong? Yes. I did not warn you before I vomited. I apologize. No. Because now Daryl's covered in his muck. Oh, I'm covered. Oh no. Cause he's got on top of you. He vomited right to the back of your head.

I take my shirt off. What do we say to Mr. Wilson for barfing on him? You look dirty. Yeah, no, it's all right, kiddo. I throw a gold coin to the bartender. I say, hey, can you clean this up? And also, do you guys have any shirts I could use? He gives you another shirt, but it's like a D&D ass, like, farm boy shirt. Yeah, it's a tunic. Daryl. I'm holding it up, and I'm like, Ron, what's up? I've actually got some pants that you can put on if you maybe, like,

in each pant leg and then just sort of on the torso like so. And then I've got several pairs that I am obviously no longer permitted. Well, I guess I am permitted. And then he stares wistfully off in the distance thinking about a scam. And then he says, Mr. Mustache? Yeah.

Talk to me, baby. Now that Scam's gone, am I allowed to wear pants again or would that be disrespectful to his memory? I guess there's only one way to find out. Yeah, actually, the ultimate scam would be to not respect his memory. Oh, you love that. And so Ron puts on a bunch of pants. Like one after another? Oh, yeah. It's the ultimate scam. So it feels so very good to have your bottom half covered up again. Yeah.

It feels warm, in fact. It feels like warm and cuddly. And then slowly you realize that warmth is not just the warmth of your own comfort at wearing pants again. It's like the pants are like heating up around your legs. And you can feel first from the inside layer of pants all the way to the outside. They are beginning to get red hot and they just start to melt off. You don't feel any pain, but you could just feel them just catching fire and melting off of your hot, hot legs as if they are vampires in Buffy. Do they look like they're on fire? Yeah.

Yeah, they look like they're like that red hot magma shit. Like when you like. Daryl instantly like pushes Ron to the ground and it's like, guys, guys, guys. And he starts pulling the pants off. Oh my gosh. It's not the pants. It's my legs. What? What about your hot legs? It's the pant curse. Remember? My legs are so hot. They're incompatible with pant life. Does Daryl feel the hot legs? Are they hot to him? No, not at all.

Oh, well, all right. He kind of just like sits back and watches the pants fall off. He's like, uh, damn. Are there any pants left after they melt off of me? I mean, they're like burning like scraps of pants. I think Ron proudly picks up one of the burning scraps and says, you're Daryl, just like you wanted.

I take it and I go, thanks. And then I have this tunic on now, right? Yes. So I make kind of like a pocket square out of Ron's pants. And I go, hey, you know, this will look dapper. Maybe for later, Ron. I appreciate it. And I put this pant pocket square in my tunic. Ron turns around and says, Mr. Mustache, I'm a scam sometimes, even though he was mostly pretty mean. But, you know, having this curse, it's kind of like,

Having him with me, you know? Just the scam in my heart. The scam was inside you all along. Yeah, yeah, anyways, I'm glad that you're here on my face and that I've got my cool dude boxers and I'm actually gonna turn around and talk to the rest of the group now. They will never understand you like I do. Hey guys!

Ron, are you, you've been mentioning this Mr. Mustache guy and, um, are you talking to your mustache? Because I am, I've never really been clear on that and I, uh. You might be disassociated. There's a certain level of what you do that I kind of just let slide so that I can get through my day, but this, uh, but I'm

I wanted to throw a flag on the play here, because, like, where did that thing even come from? I don't remember your mustache looking so big and bushy and a different color. Well, you know, as a man gets older and gets manlier, it just happens sometimes where I... Okay, actually, guys, I have a confession to make. So this mustache... I mean, no, I don't. Yes, yes, perfect save. Perfect save. They don't suspect a thing. I... It was the...

Daryl tries to listen. Can he hear? He's getting really close to Ron's face and he's trying to listen to the mustache. If you put your ear right up next to his mustache, you can roll a perception check. Okay. So when Ron gently kisses your ear...

I got a four. So as your ear gets close, Ron, you hear the mustache go, what's he doing? What's he doing? And then once you get really close, you can feel one of the tendrils of the mustache just reach out and like slap you in the earlobe, just like trying to like bat you away a little bit. Ow. What the hell, Ron? Oh my God. Ron, did you flick my ear, Ron? He can't prove it. Daryl, your ear is bleeding a little bit. What happened? Okay. Okay.

Ron! You bit him. I bit you. What? I haven't been to a dentist since I've been here, and I was just trying out my bite. All right, Ron. Good save. I didn't think that was a very good thought that I had, but I think you made it work. It was a very good thought that you had, but I made it work. Okay. Okay. Everybody.

I don't have to repeat everything that he says. So I'm going to stop doing that. Ron, do you have an egg in your hand? Have you eaten breakfast? No, you're right. I'm probably, as the kids say, hangry. Right, Terry Jr.? I slap an egg into his hand. I go, all right, well, there's an egg. No more biting. Can everybody get in the van? We're way behind time here. Again, people are trying to kill us. Could we go? Yeah, let's go. As he gets in the van, he also, he hands Grant. He's like, hey, buddy, I don't need an egg. So if you want two eggs, then I hand him both the eggs. Ah!

And I get in the van. You put them into his hands and then you watch as in like almost in slow motion, like they just slowly just sort of slip off the sides of his hands while he does nothing to save them. And then he just goes, thanks, dad. And then walks toward the van. You don't want to eat? Not hungry. Oh, poor Grant. I had a big lunch.

All right. All right. Well, I'll hop on in. Who's got shotgun? Me! Larkin Sparrow, say. Anybody but Larkin Sparrow. Sorry, guys. That's unfair! Why even ask? I have the child safety lock on. They can't open the door. Terry Jr., you want to sit up shotgun, buddy, and stretch out your big, long soccer legs? I can. I mean, does that work? Can you volunteer someone else for shotgun? I'll take shotgun. Yeah.

All right, Terry, why don't you take shotgun? I open the door. All right. Hey, did Peyton get breakfast? Peyton ate just the yellow part of the egg because I just want that pure protein. I just want it right to the veins. Boo! Just protein. I don't need any of that other stuff, that healthy nothing, nothing. Yo, should we check in with Walter about Peyton? Do you know what I mean? It's just Peyton.

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We'll be right back.

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$45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. Seamint Mobile for details. So we start driving the van out of town. Yeah, you drive the van out of town and you see, you know, a mile out of town, you see little copse of trees if you want to stop and talk to Aaron. Cops, where? Guys, pull over. It's the cops.

I pull over and I turn off this child safety locks and I say, all right, all right, let's give Aaron a shout here. Henry, why do you call her up? So I step out of the car and I knock on a tree.

And I go, Aaron, is this how this works? Aaron O'Neill? I'm looking for Aaron. So just like last time, you see a bunch of leaves fall down and they take the two-dimensional shape of Aaron O'Neill. And she goes, oh, hey, Henry. What's up? Oh, you're alive. Hey, you're alive. Yeah, but, you know, it was our dads. It was our dads that were the ones who were behind all of this. Yeah, I know. You do?

Yeah, remember I couldn't tell you because of the daddy magic. I popped my head into the call. Hey, that's jacked up that you wouldn't tell us that. I told you if you knew more about it, it would make them do more damage. The fact that you know who they are now means they have more power over you. Why is that? Because that's how daddy magic works. It's their authority and the real estate they take up in your brain that gives them their power.

Oh, you hear that, kids? I like lean back. I look at all the kids in the back of the van. So I got to listen to pops. We got daddy magic. Looks like I don't know if that's the moral I would take from that. So, Aaron, we've got the kids. We're on the run from our dads. We're kind of wondering what's next. You know, we know, you know, a dimensional witch. We're thinking maybe she can help us.

We're just trying to get the H out of here. So what do you recommend as far as a plan goes? As you're saying that, as you say dimensional witch, you can see another group of leaves falls down. It takes the form of Vince. And he's like scratching. And it's a perfect replica of him. It's a perfect replica. As far as you can tell, it just is Vince. It's actually a group of sticks. Yeah. A group of sticks and they're in the shape of Vince. And he goes, hey babe, what's going on? What are they talking about? So is this how you guys get it on? Because you're both two-dimensional like this? Ron, you know I'm not two-dimensional.

No, I know. We've met. Yeah, anyways, I'm Ron Stampler of Hi, I'm Ron. Oh my God. Did something happen to him or is this just Ron? There's no spell. He didn't get him with amnesia. This is kind of just his thing. This might be a coffee post-coffee thing, actually. Just to pivot back to the original reason we called this meeting, how do we get out of here? Well, as far as I know, the portal that you came in on, there's no reason it shouldn't work both ways unless there's something wrong with the portal or somebody's enacting something on it from outside. It goes both ways. Nice.

Very good, Ron. You should just be able to get through. Now, the problem is if you came in through this portal and if your dad set up the portal, they know where the portal is and they'll probably send out like ravens and stuff, maybe trying to hire people to protect it. So I think your big problem is how you're going to sneak through or drive through or whatever the heck. But I think it should just work. I roll down the window and I lean out. Hey, Aaron, how's it going? Oh, hi, Daryl.

So, uh, do you know where this portal is? I mean, don't you know? It's where you came into this world. Maybe Odyssey-san remembers, and we can ask Odyssey-san how to show us where to go. All right, so yeah, we'll just drive back. I mean, we came out just in, like, a middle of a forest. Yeah, but, like, that doesn't make sense. You're telling me we can just go back to that place, and then we can just go back? I mean, like, when we first came out, it's not like we just could back up and go back into our world. It feels like there was nothing there. It felt like we just got transported. Did you try? Yeah.

Oh, shit. We didn't try. We didn't have our kids. That's true. That would have been bad. That would have been bad. So, you know, I don't think we got to beat ourselves up over this. So, Aaron, when they just close it at this point, why would it be open still? Because once you open a portal, you can't close it unless you're physically there and using the same amount of energy it took to open it in the first place. My suspicion is that without your kids, they don't have the power to close the portal. Hmm.

Hmm. Oh, sounds like a race to get there, by the way. Daryl's already like crossing off the itinerary. We're going to take some less bathroom breaks, guys. We got to get this portal ASAP. Or recess. We'll do recess once we get to the portal. Okay. Yeah. Does that sound good? Yeah. Hey, Aaron, can I ask you one more question? Yeah.

So you knew that they were our dads. I'm not quite sure how you knew that, but you know, there's only three of the dads you might've noticed. Was there anything with my dad? Wait, your dad's not one of the dads? No, it's everybody else's dad. And I thought it was just because my dad was dead, but you know, Glenn doesn't seem to think that his dad is alive either. Yeah, no, they're dead in our world, but alive in this one. Yeah, that makes sense. That'd be soul transference through a dimensional gateway. Wait, what?

Soul transference through dimensional gateway? When they died in your world, their soul went through a rift in the dimensions and came up in here and then took corporeal form. You know, like normal dimensional stuff. It doesn't make sense. Why all three of our dads? How do they meet up? It's very confusing. I mean, it could be that the most powerful one collected the other two or whatever was reaching out to them. Like, if somebody could get a good enough handhold in this world and use daddy magic to assemble people. Maybe they were in a book club before they died, and so they found each other at...

after here. It could also be that. And maybe their souls are held up by not knowing which book they're... Hey, hey, hey, Ron, Ron, come on. This is Aaron. Don't say the B word around her. Oh, uh, maybe they were in a wine and cheese club and they're still searching for the perfect full-bodied Merlot. And...

And our blood is that to them. And so we need to rush over there and try to block the portal before they can get more wine out of the Trader Joe's. Yeah, the last part sounds good, Ron. We should get there as fast as we can. Yeah, get there fast. You don't have to look for a dimensional witch. Just leave.

Okay, well, thanks, Aaron. I think we've got a follow-up conversation with Odyssey-san to see if she can show us the way home. Well, have a good one. Try your best not to die. Yeah, this seems all easy-peasy, lemon-squeezy. Hey, Aaron? Uh, yeah. Thanks. Oh, you're welcome. That's it. Okay, we're going to walk away now because I don't know how to hang up the trees. Hey, Aaron? Yeah? Ron?

Goodbye. Goodbye, Ronald. Is there she just run? She disappears before you. She can hear that. So I'm going to go up to the Odyssey and I'm going to go. I'm a pop up with a gas tank and then sort of whisper seductively. Can you say that a little bit more seductively? Because you promised us seductively. Which is, hey, where did we park when we first came here? By the way,

By the way, as I'm still in the front seat, like, I feel the Odyssey, like, shudder. Oh, God. As Glenn's talking to him, I'm like, uh. Is it being messed in? I'm like, Glenn, what are you doing back there? Just, like, asking a question. What? Better put the parking brake on because this baby's ready to roll. The doors turn a little bit red. Oh.

This is senpai, no. You hear, and then the GPS screen on the dashboard, she goes, and then you see it scanning around and then she goes, and there's a little thumbtack icon that goes on where you first appeared in the Forgotten Realms, which is outside the small town of Phandalin. Honestly, do you download Forgotten Realms? Like I look, does it have like the names of the towns and stuff? MapQuest. Let me, let me write. Is there satellites in this world?

Or is it just like, or is it just like... Global positioning system needs satellites. How is it getting GPS? Or is it just like a dot, you know, and a line going to it? Or does it actually have like a map? Except whatever that actually is in Japanese. That was me Googling, I made a map Japanese.

So apparently Odyssey-san has just been sort of cartographing as you've been lurking around the Forgotten Realms. Oh, so it's like Skyrim and it's like literally just the map. We can only see the part of the map that we've traveled. Exactly. Rest is fog of war. Very cool. Arigato, Odyssey-san. Thanks, beast. And I like slap the dashboard. It turns even brighter red. I whisper into the ear, which is, you're the best.

She goes, Arigato! And the fluid inside of the tank just all the way to the top. Daryl is just very weirded out by all this. She has just enough sentience for it to be okay and not quite enough for it not to be weird. And she's got some Dobon hunkeros. Just didn't expect the car to be, it's just, all right. Just whatever you're doing back there, just look a little less of it. I'm playing if you don't mind. Sorry.

I'm just saying there's kids in this car. So like, that's all. I kind of get in close to Daryl. I say, listen, Daryl, this car is a treasure and you better be keeping up on those oil changes and filter changes. I lean in close. I'm like, you think I've ever let this baby get fucking 500 miles within an oil change? Are you kidding me? And I lean in closer. I say, you think that changing an oil every five

100 miles is a proper fucking care schedule for a car? I lean in closer and I say, you think I fucking jiffy loop this bad? You are literally nose to nose. You don't think I change this oil myself with premium oil I export from fucking Germany and I do this myself? You think I trust anybody else to oil change this car? And I get even closer like, God, now you're lip to lip. Daryl?

Now his lips move along in synchrony with mine. He's saying the same thing. Our lips are moving at the same speed. You of all people should know that a Japanese car should not be taking European oil. And on top of that, every 500 miles is way too fast of a schedule for a car because you should be at least a thousand to 3000 in order for the oil to get in on all the sides of things. I lean in closer and now my tongue is in his mouth and I go, Hey Glenn, do you think you

You could tell me where you can get Japanese oil. I'm so embarrassed I've been using the wrong oil.

Yeah, just check the AutoZone. You gotta just look it up and ask for Japanese-specific fluids. That's all. I appreciate that, Glenn. Yeah, no worries, bud. Everybody buckled up? We gotta move, right? Yeah, if everybody's locked in. If our dads are going to the same place and this is our exit ticket, they're probably going there just as fast. They might not even have slept. Like, we might be behind the eight ball here, man. We gotta move. Yeah, I step on the accelerator and we drive as fast as is safe in Dungeons & Dragons. Okay, what pace do we set if this is Oregon Trail? Oh, grueling, for sure. Yeah, we're driving like...

75 miles per hour 75 miles an hour are they big paved roads no dirt roads okay he's going like uh 95 miles per he's driving 45 give me a give me and uh fuck it i'm not gonna put you in danger you want me to roll you want to roll no because then what if you fail i'm just gonna give you a flat tire it's fucking boring like it's fine you just you initial d all the way back to the next plot point

I rolled anyways, and there's a waste, but I got 19. Okay. Well, then you get to describe how the ride back goes. So, no, I do go 75 miles per hour. I go 45, and then once everybody stops looking at how fast we're going, I'm, like, slowly accelerating faster and faster and faster. Like, nobody notices how fast we're going. Hey, Daryl, could you just, like, I don't...

I know we're really trying to get out of here, but this feels really unsafe how fast we're going. As Henry was talking, I turn up the gladiator soundtrack and I just zone. And by the way, I am swerving around every pothole, every mystical animal, everything that there possibly is. I am just flying across this dirt road. And the shocks, like everybody's falling asleep because it's so, this is a perfectly smooth ride. So once you get back to Phandalin, are you going to maintain this feeling?

pace like are you just screaming all the way back like you're not gonna hit the brakes until you see the portal is that how this is if nothing else stops us i think once we get to like the forest what looks familiar probably i don't know henry maybe you notice the rocks or whatever i think we slow down and start looking for the portal i want to roll geology to see if i know the rocks

Okay. First episode callback. I rolled a 15. Yeah, you can recognize that these are the same rocks that you saw when you came in the first time. You still don't really know what they are. Daryl, we passed that rock on the way in. I know because I remember it looked kind of cool. I slowly stopped. Like, nobody even notices we stopped. It's how smooth my braking is.

So I bring the van to a stop. Glenn's nap is totally undisturbed by this. I go, all right, everybody, wait for the car to come to a complete stop. Oh, Daryl, you did stop. Nice job. That's right. I wink in the rearview mirror. I go, that's right, baby. Larkin and Sparrow are both like, kiss, kiss, kiss. What?

You already kissed the one of them, now do the other. When did we kiss? I didn't kiss. No, that was called arguing. That's what me and Glenn were doing. We were arguing. Passionate men arguing over things. When a mommy and daddy love each other very much, they argue. Grant's like, I wanted to argue with the heat. Aw. Don't worry, Grant. You'll get your chance with the heat one of these days, assuming we don't go through this portal right now, in which case you'll never see him again. I'm sorry about that.

He looks you dead in the eyes and he goes, thank you, Henry. Yeah, yeah, it's okay. We can be on first name basis. That's fine.

Oh my god, yeah, it should be Mr. Oak. Guys, no, Henry's not a fucking cop. He's not going to do that to this kid. Hey, Grant, you know, you should call him Mr. Oak, Grant. Come on. No, no, that's okay, Daryl. I mean, you know, the boys call me Henry all the time. So, you know, that's okay. It's fine. That's okay. We call him Riri sometimes, like Rihanna. I just prefer Grant calls adults by their last name, if that's all right. Wait, so what should I be calling you guys then? Mr. Wilson. All right, Mr. Wilson, how big... Actually, just...

Mr. Anybody, how big is the rock that we just passed? Actually, I don't know. I don't really recognize any of the rocks or minerals in this area, but I would say it's like a medium-sized boulder, you know, something in the range of like a couple of Marshall amps stacked on top of each other. That metaphor is for my good friend, Glenn. Glenn kind of like rouses a little bit. He's like, oh, Marshalls sound like shit. Oh.

Well, maybe if we all got a rock, then we could just blend in with the scenery around and nobody would know that we were coming. If, like, people walk by and they're like, oh, there's a bunch of rocks, there's nothing weird about that. It's just rocks. And that rocks. Well, that's a good point. So, Ron, I guess throw it out here to the group. Hey, Henry, you want to wake up Glenn there? Hey, Glenn. Glenn. Put your shoes on, honey. We're back at the portal. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, sorry. Sorry, buddy. We're right there. So Ron brought up a good point, which is the question is, do we want to slow roll this, the beast, you know, through this forest and try to get to the portal? Or should we, you know, get on foot and kind of sneak our way through? I think we got to stay in the safety of this vehicle, man. That's like the one advantage we have in this place. I could turn into like a little bird and go scout out for us and come back. That's one thing that we could

do. I could get up real high and get a bird's eye view, which I guess that's not really a pun if you're a bird. That's just what the view is. But I could do that if you guys want. That's a good idea. Okay. Fine. All right. Now, last time I turned into a lark. So this time I'm going to turn into a sparrow for you, Sparrow. And I throw Sparrow a little wink. Oh, delightful. I love it. I love it.

Thanks, Sparrow. And so I clap my hands and I turn into a little bird. Okay. And I flutter out the window and I go sailing towards where I remember the portal being. Where the portal once was, or at least where you came out because the portal was invisible on the other end, you can see 10 tents all sort of in a circle around a big blank spot of the ground, sort of a little flat area of the plains. And you can see some figures moving around down there. Why don't you roll perception for me?

All right, I got a 14. With a 14, you can tell that beneath you are orcs. There looks to be about 40 of them.

My nightfall, these hills will be swarming with orcs. And they're sharpening swords. They're beating each other up. It seems like they've made camp. If you want to try to get closer, it'll increase the chance you get spotted, but it'll also allow you to, you know, maybe listen in. But does it matter if you get spotted? He's literally a bird. Yeah, but orcs like killing things. I'm going to fly a little closer to see what I can see. Okay, roll stealth.

I got a 12. They're going to roll their perception. Oh, no, they don't roll. They just have a past perception of 10, which is not good enough to spot you. So, okay, so you get closer. Nice.

You can hear two orcs. They're outside sharpening their axes, essentially. And one of them goes, all right, so that's the same voice as the previous. It needs to be deeper. Or they could just be some all American Brooklyn orcs. I guess they do like jock. Do some jockey. Yeah. The who are we looking for again? Oh,

That's the first orc and the second orc goes, uh, I think so It's a big white like like a like a horse but with no legs that like rolls So like a rolly like a stump horse. This is a good voice and then And then all we gotta do is like grab whoever is in the belly of the stump horse thing and then give it to the guy Who paid us I think

As far as I could tell. I wasn't super listening. And the other guy's like, yeah, me neither. But like, we're clearly not going to actually give them up, right? Like, we should just eat them. And the other guy's like, oh, absolutely. We'll say that they like died in the fight or

Whatever. We'll get to dine on flesh. Like my family always says, meat's back on the menu. I love that that was like a mix of jock and like a mix of like lumpy space princess. It just turned into a valley girl kind of thing. Yeah. So Henry's going to flutter back to the group to report in. What did your bird ass eyes see, Henry? So.

So guys, you guys saw Lord of the Rings, right? Oh yeah. We've talked about it. It's such a good movie. Do you remember like not the goblins and not like the bigger goblins, but there were like the dorks?

The orcs? No, there was like the Uruk-hai, but then there was like the gorks. Oh, the Ents. The Ents. The Ents. It's full of Ents in there. Wait, it's full of trees? No, not the Ents. They have the big feet, right? The orcs. I don't think it was orcs. I think it was... Anyway, there's some guys over there and they seem pretty stupid, but they are looking for us. So I think was maybe... Are you talking about the eagles? Like the flying eagles? Did you see flying eagles? They're not eagles. They're people, but they're like green people.

So anyway, they're all back there and they're like looking for us because they're looking for a white horse, but it's clearly the van. So what I was thinking is maybe we could do a little subterfuge and pretend to be maybe like the relief patrol, you know? Henry, you said they were looking for a white horse. What were they looking for exactly?

They said they were looking for a big, stumpy white horse with no legs, and they were supposed to take the people inside and bring them back to the people that hired them. But then they said, like, we're going to eat them instead. So I have an idea. Yes. What if we found ourselves a big horse? Cut the legs off the horse. I don't want it. I like the way this guy thinks. We could maybe go to a butcher or like a, you know, a horse farm.

Farmer. A horse farmer? Yes, let us go to a horse butcher. What if one of us dressed up like a horse and then... Oh, but then they'd be grabbed, Ron. Yeah, but then they'd find out that there was nothing inside of us. How many, again, how many were there? Yeah, I think there was like about 40 of them. There were quite a bit of guys in there.

But you never look a stump horse in the mouth. So yeah, see Ron and me are on the same page here. Stump horse. Again, it feels like we have this big metal van that unless they got like spike strips and even then this bad boy can run on flats for quite a while. Like we can just drive around.

through them like did you see the portal henry no see that's the other weird thing there's like no portal they're all just sort of like around an empty area oh see that's a problem if there's a portal i'd say we just drive this bad boy through yeah i would be kind of for that too but i feel like if we just zoom through there we might give away our position could you just try flying into where the portal like well i don't want to do that because then maybe i won't come back

Oh, that's true. That's true. Yeah, that's, you know, that's... We can't lose you. We can't lose you. That's true. Glenn crosses his arms and goes, yet another good use for a drone. Well, could we... Maybe you could throw one of those... One of Ron's, one of your animals. Maybe you could guide a bird. You know, Henry, get back in bird form. Go ahead and Blue Angel style, like, formation multiple birds. I don't have any birds. I just have bats. Oh, bats. So, yeah, those bats. So it's not going to work. No, but we could...

Now, I could take one of the frogs that Ron can make and fly over and sort of like throw it and see if it disappears. Yeah. All right. Do you guys want to do that? Absolutely. That's a good first step, I think. I think that's a good first step. We want the intel. So is there a way that we can mark the frog to know that it's our frog if it goes back into the real world and we find it again, maybe?

Sure, put one of your business cards in his mouth. I will, I will. Okay, so... Your razor-sharp business cards? Yeah. Maybe tape it to his back or something. Is there any tape in here? I'll put it on his little feet flat so that he got the sticky feet things. Um...

All right, hat of vermin. One frog, please. So the hat spouts out a frog with sticky feet. Hi, frog. This is me. And then I hand him my business card. Just give me a call right there if you ever want to chat about business or other business. And then, yeah, we'll be in touch, buddy. So I'm going to wild shape once again into a bird.

This time I'm going to be a parrot in honor of my parrot. A parrot, a big colorful bird. No, that's true. That's a good point. I'm going to be a different kind of- If Lark saw you transform into a parrot too, he'd be like, ah, my first kill. Oh my God. No.

All right, Henry turns back into a sparrow, and he grabs the frog beneath his legs, and he flutters back out over to the orcs. Okay, so roll a strength. Aren't sparrows kind of small, like to pick up a fucking frog? I got a four minus one. I got a three. As you're flying over the orc camp, the frog in your tongue just goes like...

And then falls out and just splorches on the ground and is very dead. It's okay, Henry. I got two more. I can make two more. Do the orcs notice? Yeah, let me roll to see if the orcs notice. A frog falling out of the sky. With Ron's business card on it. Okay, so they rolled a three. So it happens and lands right next to the orcs. And they just go, uh, what was... Uh...

And they just do that thing where you're about to say something, you can't remember what it is, and the other person doesn't have the license to speak yet. So they're just like, uh, uh, uh. And it's like just going on forever with the guy sort of staring at him slack-jawed. And they do not notice. All right, I'm going to circle back for another frog. I'm actually going to keep the business cards this time. I don't want to run out in case we find any good networking opportunities. All right, uh, uh, head of vermin, one more frog, please. Huh.

All right. So this time I'm going to grab the frog by its sticky legs just so I have a little bit more grip on it. So it's like upside down kind of now. Yeah, it's like an upside down frog. Okay. It's fun. The frog has fun doing it. It's not stressed out by what's happening. It wins its mouth. It's super happy. It's singing a whole new world in its mind when you're flying. Oh, no, no, I'm sad. Our whales in captivity live just as long as they do in the wild.

Alright, so Henry flies back over to the portal and he's gonna try to throw this frog again. Give me another strength roll. Alright, I got a nine. How big is this frog? Do I get a bonus for the sticky feet idea? Uh, yeah. Fuck it, you get an advantage. I roll again. I got a nine again. Okay, so once again it falls down. Alright, brawn, it looks like we're gonna need that third frog. We gotta see if the orcs notice.

God damn it. They don't again. They're playing a good old game of punch each other on the head as hard as you can without knocking the other person out. And they're so busy doing that, that they once again roll a four. Oh my God.

Golly gee creepers, Ron. I'm going to need that third frog. Actually, do you want a bat this time maybe? You know, something else that can fly and you can just kind of hang on to it. Oh, that's not a bad idea. It's not a bad idea. It's not a bat idea. That's very funny. Daryl leans over to Glenn and be like, remember the first idea I had when I said we shouldn't have bats?

Yeah, I remember the bats. I'm really glad I came up with this idea. Anyway, so head of vermin, I would like a bat, please. Okay. Hey, Ron, this counts as your recess, buddy. No, because I'm not having that much fun.

So the hat poots out at Bat. I cast Speak with Animals on the Bat. Hello. And I say, Hail and well met, Bat. I am Henry Oak, and I need your help with a very dangerous assignment. You're going to help us figure out how to save our sons and even maybe save our world. You ready for that? What's in it for Bateman the Bat?

Bateman, we will tell stories of your bravery throughout the land and you will be the most famous bat of them all. Even more famous than Bruce Wayne, the Batman. Than Bartok from Anastasia. Than Bartok from Anastasia. Go ahead and roll persuasion.

God, a fucking garbage roll. I got a six. So the bat goes, maybe if you can make it worth my while. And it rubs the tips of its wings together in the universal sign for like, daddy could use some cheddar. Okay. Wait, Anthony, can I do the voice of the bat if I do my Bartok impression? Please do. Sorry, I got to say a line from Anastasia to get in character first. Yeah. Yeah.

I'd give her a "Hee-yah!" and a "Hi-yah!" and then I'd kick her, sir. What, you mean this reliquary? Oh! Well, you're falling apart, sir! Okay, alright, so now I'm the Bat.

Now you two just have a scene. Well, what's in it for me? Daryl, can we give the bat some gold? Like maybe 10 or 20 gold? I think bats want like insects. Just promise an insect. Say that the portal has a bunch of insects on the other side. No shit. I want some wealth for myself. I want to be rich to ascend to a higher level of batdom. When we see you again, we will give you some gold. How about that?

I can work with that. Yeah, absolutely. Yes, sir. Totally. Hard Talk's going to want some upfront money if that's the case. Actually, I've been informed that I would like some money upfront. Uh, Anastasia's alive? Okay. Um... Holy shit.

Okay, so could I get the four gold, please? Daryl is eating a cliff bar and then he takes the wrapper, which is metallic on the inside, and he folds it up into a bunch of little like silver coins. Daryl holds these really shiny pieces of aluminum up to the bat and is just like gesturing at it because honestly he can't speak. Oh, that's very shiny, sir. Yes, yeah, I'll take whatever you want, sir. So what's the mission again?

Just follow me and do what I tell you when it's time to do the thing. Yes, sir. I'll give her a hyah! And then a hyah! And we'll kill Anastasia. When the bat takes the silver, I look to the kids. I go, see, kids, this is why you just don't throw money away. You gotta think with your head here. You gotta keep your money so that you have it when it counts. Right, Henry? Mm.

Let's go, Mr. Bat. Nick's like, feels like you're going to stiff that guy out of a good day's labor. Seems pretty fucking capitalist to me. Hey, it's a bat, buddy. It's a bat. He is going to disappear in one hour. Yeah, I'm going to stop being a bat now. It doesn't change the ethics of what Daryl did. It's still deceit. It's fraud. Okay, so what do you do? I lead the bat across the battlefield and we circle around once and then I gesture to the center of the battlefield.

And I say, you know what I need you to do is I need you to swoop down through these encampments straight across to the other side of this big old circle, okay? All right. So he understands that instruction pretty clearly, and he zooms down, and I'm going to roll for him to see if he gets noticed or not. He does not get noticed. Yes. And with perfect silent bat wings, he just like, his wings go in, and he zooms down, and he gets to the center of the circle that the orcs are surrounding, and then...

He's gone. He just disappears. Oh, shit. He vanishes. Holy shit. All right. Okay. All right. I just fly back to the guys. I go, guys, it works. All we have to do is ram this thing and punch it straight through, and then we'll go home. We're almost home. Fuck it, baby. Let's do it. Buckle those seatbelts. Let's do this. All right. Do we maybe want to affix like a couple of big long logs to the front of the fricking van, and then we could use it like a people plow? I was going to say, if they are as dumb as you say they are, we could just cover it in mud because it won't be white anymore.

Like, just... Oh, yeah. Let's just cover this thing with mud. Yeah. Let's cover it with mud and trees. Perfect. Like, bushes and stuff like that. Yeah. Okay. That's what we do, Anthony. Roll nature, I guess. All right. I'll roll nature. I've got, like, a three for nature, so that might be... I rolled a seven. God, my rolls are just shit today. Because the roll wasn't so good, it just means you're going to do a normal bluff roll as you go past them. If you had gotten a really good roll, you would get advantage on it because of how not...

like a van the van looks but if you want to just drive in there basically you're just going to get a bluff roll and if they fall for it then they will react one way and if they don't fall for it they will react another way okay so we're all buckled up everybody's buckled up yeah check this might get rowdy everybody are you everybody daryl i mean yeah i'm a little worried but you know we're gonna we're gonna make it through one way or the other everybody we got this we're a team we're gonna get through this my uh my friend bateman the bat once said stress is a killer sir my cousin's

You're over meat mango, and he's a fruit bat. He should know.

Well, that's good, Ron. No, that helps out. Let's conquer the stress and let's get through this. So I guess I just drive. I drive pretty slowly. I kind of just do like a really steady movement as if it's just an unintelligent beast just moving towards the center. And I roll up all the windows and I tell everybody to hide. Everybody keep their heads down because, again, they're looking for something with people in it. So let's just be a big, I guess, tree monster. We're going to move through here. All right. Give me a bluff roll.

That's a 18. Jesus. And my deception is a minus one, so 17. Okay, so 17. So they'll roll now. Okay. So as the van lurches toward the front line of orcs, you can hear the same two orcs that Henry was spying on. One of them goes, hey, hey, hey, no, no, no. Look, what's that? What's that? And the other one turns around and goes,

like a big ugly horse with no legs. And the other one goes, no, isn't that what we were supposed to... We were supposed to like get one of those. And the other one goes, you idiot. We're supposed to get a white one and that one is clearly the color of my death. God, you're so dumb. And the other one goes, well, what should we do then? And she's like, I don't know, just let it go. Who cares? I'm not going to go fight a horse if I don't have to fight one. Have you even eaten horse? They taste disgusting. And so...

The van successfully rolls past the line of forks. So now basically you're in a big empty spot where there's like 300 feet between you and where you saw the bat disappear. You're going to keep rolling slowly. You're going to gun it. What are you going to do? Hey, guys, you ready to go through? Let's go, baby. Let's go. Punch it. I look at Grant and say, hey, Grant, buddy, whatever happens, I love you. Uh-huh.

I appreciate that. All right. Love you too. Great. I go to Nick. I go, we're ready. Ready for the big ride, baby. Face off. Face off, baby. Face off. They're just saying face off to every other person in the car. Hold on to your butts. And then I drive into it through the center. I drive at 25 miles per hour. Not too fast.

So as you drive forward, you can feel that tingly sensation that you first felt when you fell into the Forgotten Realms in the first place. You can see the world around the periphery of your eyes is beginning to get a little bit purple. But then for the first time, you feel something different. You feel like a tug on your back, like there's a chain attached to you, and that chain is attached to a weight. And you're like, you feel it just in your back. And you look around, you see these purple tendrils coming from outside of your back.

And you feel that as the van begins to approach the portal, which actually begins to open up and become this purple hole in reality as you get close to it, you feel those tendrils get tighter and tighter the closer and closer you get to the portal. It almost is that they're a leash that is beginning to run to the very limit of its length. And as the car continues going, you feel the tendrils on your back go taut.

and suddenly you're not moving, but the van is. Oh no. The first thing that happens is who's sitting in the back? Henry's sitting in the back with Larkin Sparrow. So Henry, Larkin Sparrow are like pulled backwards to like the back windshield and they're like squished up against it and they can feel themselves still getting pulled out the back window. I fumble for the trunk door. So we're going to get crushed, right? Yeah, totally. Okay, that's great. Okay, I pop the trunk open. Roll dexterity.

Oh my god, these rolls today. I got a nine. Okay, so you fumble for the trunk, but you can't quite get it. And then the next thing that happens is that Glenn and Nick and Payden in the middle seat, they fall backwards and they slam into you guys in the back windshield. I start slamming on the brakes. So you are going to have to roll a strength check with disadvantage and then a dexterity check with disadvantage. Okay, so strength check. I have plus six. So disadvantage, the first one's a 14.

Second one was an 18, so 14 plus 6, 20. Okay, so now roll dexterity with a disadvantage. Oh, that's not going to be as good. Okay, my rolls are... A 2...

Two and a 20. Oh, no! What a waste. And dexterity is plus one, so three dexterity. So you slam your foot down so hard and so decisively, and it just hits the gas. And you start to fly backward as well, and next to you, Terry Jr. does as well. I'm going to try to roll down the window. Give me a dexterity roll. So this is going to be a...

13 plus two, 15. Okay, so you managed to lower the window. What do you do now? I think I'm just going to start shoving people out the window if I can. Okay, give me a strength check with a disadvantage. Okay. I think I'm just going to try to get Terry out first. So I got disadvantage. I got a 14 plus one, so that's 15 was my worst roll. So you managed to grab Terry Jr. and shove him out of the van, and he tumbles and hits the ground, and

That's the very last thing you do before you feel your back go completely taut. You fall backward into the mass of people at the windshield, and I'm going to roll for the integrity of the windshield, which is very strong on a Honda Odyssey. And the windshield maintains its integrity. So all of you are being squished and sandwiched against the glass of this windshield. So Glenn's going to reach into his jacket and just pull out the gun and try and shoot out the windshield. And I go, ears, everyone, ears!

I'm more concerned about him accidentally shooting somebody. Yeah, just in a tangle of people. Great, great, great, great. Well, but like it's a point blank because it's right against the glass, right? So it's just like pulled out and just touches the glass and pulled the trigger. So you have a choice when you put the gun to the glass. It is going to be near either Nick's head or Lark's head.

Oh, what the frick? Well, but I'm telling them to plug their ears, though. Yeah, OK, that'll that'll work at point blank range. Probably next to Lark's head, to be honest. OK, roll a ranged attack roll. I say the advantage of the disadvantage cancel each other out. Just give me a normal ranged attack roll.

So you put the gun right next to Lark's head and Lark goes, wait, what is ears? I have ears, yes. Open my ears and you pull the trigger. As he goes to fire, I take my hands off of my ears and I plug Lark's ears. Oh shit, that's great. And so you fire the gun and Henry, like everything just goes into this high pitched like whine. Like whatever happens in the next five minutes, you just cannot hear. Wait, but I do want to say, hold on. Among the many gross things about Henry is that he's never cleaned his ears out. Oh,

It calcifies the ear gook. Yes, there's a good head of ear wax in there that maybe muffles some of the sound. Oh, that's great. And so the back glass shatters and all of you come tumbling out of the backside of the van and you all take a D6 of damage.

including your kids. So you realize as you fall out of the car that this is going to be the last time you ever see the Honda Odyssey because its momentum carries it forward into the portal and then it's gone. Oh my god. Odyssey son! I drop to the floor like a platoon and I raise my arms up and I scream, no! I'm so glad we gave Odyssey son one last sexual thrill before she went. Ha ha ha ha!

Do we hear anything? What does Odyssey sound like? Can we hear it? Like, is it, you know, like... The last thing you hear is... Ganbatte! What did she say? She said, do your best. Well, that's not helpful. That's gonna be alright. It'll be alright. Cause that's just life. And if you die, it'll be alright.

It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright Cause that's just life All you do is try and it'll be alright

Dungeons and Daddies is Anthony Burch as our DM. Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Will Campos as Henry Oak. Beth May as Ron Stampler. And myself, Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Our theme music by Maxton Waller. Thanks to Twitter users TieflingCore and StargateHeaven for some Japanese translation help this episode. Special thanks this week to Philip Bedingfield for submitting a name we used in this episode. One of the many perks of being a Patreon supporter, which you can do by heading over to patreon.com slash dungeonsanddaddies.

Another perk, the chance for shout outs starting right now. This week, big ups to Joaquim Norum, Jen Boland, Joseph Martino, Chris Jepa, Tyler Roback, David Lee Sung Wei, Mark Crump, Maggie Thornborough, David L. and Luke Haviana. Thank you all for supporting us on Patreon. You're the best. Another Patreon benefit for supporters at all tiers is access to ad free versions of all of these episodes online.

as well. You can find our website at dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our Twitter is Dungeons and Dads, bit.ly slash Dungeon Dads for our Facebook group and r slash Dungeons and Daddies for the subreddit. Thanks for listening. The next episode's coming at you April 28th, so we will see you then. There was a time when you didn't know they never brought you

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