Ep. 30 - Van on the Run 01:10:42

Millions of people have lost weight with personalized plans from Noom, like Evan, who can't stand salads and still lost 50 pounds. Salads generally for most people are the easy button, right? For me, that wasn't an option. I never really was a salad guy. That's just not who I am. But Noom worked for me. Get your personalized plan today at Noom.com. Real Noom user compensated to provide their story. In four weeks, the typical Noom user can expect to lose one to two pounds per week. Individual results may vary.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Our kids arrived just the other day, walked to the van in a magical way, while we fought our dads cause it turned out they were the purple robes that took them away. And Willie seems to be the leader of the group, he told Ron, I'll be seeing you, son, you know I'll be seeing you soon.

And the bad dogs covered as we withdrew In our van with our kids and Peyton too Gotta get home but we don't know how We're in trouble now, in trouble now

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Occasionally, a D&D podcast about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll Christmas cover band bard dad of the group. And this week's Glenn fact, you guys ready for this? Yes. Give it to me. In the long run of ways Glenn has embarrassed Nick as a father, Glenn has been a dad of

Glenn has a fairly popular OnlyFans account. Now, for those of you, I'm noticing that it's blank stares from across the room here. OnlyFans, basically it's paid Twitter accounts.

And I remember when they first started, when they first started, they were like, we're going to get influencers. We're going to get all of these types of different people to like get their super fans to pay for the things. And then within, I think about 30 seconds, it was like, nope, just porn. It is just directly paying for pornography. But, but Glenn does not know this. So he got on and he was like, oh, cool. I'll do guitar tips, like teach people how to like go up and down the minor pentatonic scale and stuff.

And got like a minor following. All of his videos that say fingering in them. Oh, my God. He's like, oh, man, what's going on? And people just sign up and they don't stick around. But yeah. And of course, whatever small following he has on OnlyFans completely dwarfs Nick's TikTok account. So it's just a continuing source of embarrassment between the two of them.

According to Google, in 2016, the website OnlyFans appeared as a way for bodybuilders, personal trainers, and cooks to have a monetized social media feed. A premium Twitter where people paid a monthly subscription to see your recipes, workouts, and gym progress. It's crazy that they started there. I didn't hear the word porn in there. I didn't hear the word porn in there at all. Okay. But to be fair, this seems like maybe like... I do have SafeSearch on. I do have to get my mom to disable the V-chip on my laptop.

It's going to be great because you know that like all of our kids will be completely unable to get around the ironclad security that will come up because we were born in like Sing Sing. Like we know all the tricks. Like we know all the tricks. Like what tricks? We don't need tricks anymore. I mean, it's just like incognito mode. But like we invented like hiding your JPEG. Google, there's no tricks anymore. Yeah.

Google knows what we're doing. Google baked the trick into their browser. In the browser, it does say you can use it in case you wanted to, say, gift shop for someone. You can literally just grab a stranger's phone and yell porn at it. It gives you porn. Well, my children are going to have to pay for Pornhub Premium, so how about that?

Say, Billy, why don't you start a paper route to pay for that Bang Bros subscription? The way you said that made me feel like you'd be like, you can only go to Pornhub if you pay for Pornhub Premium. I would be the dad who's like, no, Pornhub's the one you want. RedTube, it's too much amateur stuff. It doesn't have the production value that you're looking for. And then I'd be like, you know, actually, Pornhub Premium has a special this week where a premium is free.

If I catch my kid with pirated porn, I'm going to make him finish all of it. Oh, no! You said the worst thing. You said the worst thing that Annie Bunz ever said. Wow. Fleshlight tag has been dethroned. Oh, God.

All right, off of that. Hi, my name is Matt Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who's a barbarian in the Forgotten Realms. What porn site does Daryl use? Daryl's favorite porn site. Daryl pays for it. Daryl pays for porn like a goddamn American. That's what he does. Daryl's favorite porn site.

Darryl paying for porn is what allows everybody else to enjoy free porn. For everyone, Darryl's a whale. No. Darryl probably paid for porn once and still thinks, like, I gotta make sure that credit card from, like, when I was 17 is never found. Oh, my God. I hope somebody's gonna find out someday. Anyways...

Not even a really funny dad fact or anything. This is just a simple dad fact. Daryl's favorite breakfast is frankeneggs, which was also his dad's frank's favorite breakfast, which is just a hot dog cut into eggs, which is what his dad would always have. And then on Father's Day, he does it with over easy eggs, even though he hates runny eggs because that's how his dad always ate it. That's very wholesome. Frankeneggs is awesome.

Hey, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Henry Oak, hippie, crunchy, munchy, druid, nature dad in the Forgotten Realms, you know, for life. My mind's been racing for the last 30 seconds to do like a Henry's favorite porn is blank thing, but I can't come up with it. So maybe next week, guys.

Henry's dad fact this week is... He doesn't have a favorite porn. It would make him feel bad. Like, they all work equally hard. It's just like a saucy leaf that looked like it had boobs. Henry likes all naturals. Henry's only beautiful shots of landscapes. This is like animal planet mating season. No, he doesn't J-O to animals. That's absurd.

Sorry, we were talking about jerking off animals? Sorry, keep going. Oh, wait. What? Roots? Like roots in dirt? Like the Civil War? Like the miniseries about African Americans? Oh my God, no! But you said roots! There's no other context for the word roots! There is! Like roots that grow in the ground! Interesting.

In the porn context, though? I don't understand where... Well, like, I don't know. I thought maybe somebody might think it's sexy if, like, Roots of a Tree is going inside the ground. That's like Evil Dead. I do want to clarify that Henry likes nature, but Henry doesn't want to fuck the earth.

Henry's dad fact this week is that Henry's number one pet peeve in the world is that when you Google the word fossil, the first fucking three pages of Google results are the watch, not the actual fossils. How do you know that?

you get to the fossils on Google. That's what that's Henry's big pet peeve. This also will pet peeve. That is a little preview of the rap album that I've been doing research on. And I try, this is, this is the level of geology we're dealing with here is me Googling the word fossil and then clicking through three pages of results about the watch brand. So that really grinds Henry's gears.

The first page of my Google when I type in this fossil doesn't have a single thing about fossils. It's all about the watch company. It's just porn, dude. It's just porn. Hey, I'm Beth May, and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue...

Fun fact about Ron this week that actually doesn't have anything to do with porn. Ron has been skiing three times. And, you know, when you're first learning to ski, you have to make your skis into a pizza shape. Pizza. Yeah, pizza shape. French fries. Yeah. Yeah. Until you're good enough for the French fries, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I think that Ron thought that pizza was such a cool thing that he thought like that was the most advanced type of skiing. Like as long as you stay in the pizza wedge, that's how you're looking like a cool dude on the slopes. Ron is correct that pizza is better than French fries. So I got to say like that checks out. That's a tough one. Does it keep you slow? Is that why you stay in pizza form? Yeah. I've never been skiing, so I don't know why you do pizza form. And also he reads Playboy for the articles. Yeah.

I'm Anthony Burch. I don't read Playboy. I don't read. I just look at the pictures. I'm the opposite of Beth. My dad fact is, so...

So Matt was my boss when I came to LA, when we worked on a show called Rocket Jump the Show that nobody watched. That's a wild sentence to say. It brings me back. No, yeah, yeah. Matt, you were somebody's boss. Yeah, he was my boss. Now I'm his dad. Now the tables have turned. We were on set, and I can't remember why, but we got into a conversation about what's the funniest letter, and I was like, obviously D as in dog. And he goes, no, it's B as in boy. And I went, why? And Matt goes, but baby boy.

And then I looked him in the face and went, dick daddy. And like nobody, it was that day. I was like, man, I'm not really sure who won out. But now that this podcast exists, I won Matt. Suck my ass. Wait, what was Matt's again? Butt baby boy. Butt baby boy. I kind of like that. Yeah, but Dungeons and Daddies pays his fucking rent. That's true. Oh!

It took a long time, but Anthony has won that fight. I never fucking forget a good struggle. I thought you were going to talk about the time I just walked up to you and said, hey, Andrew. I do remember that one. After two years of us knowing each other and me being to your wedding and you being in mine. On set, I walked up with a deady eye and like confident. It wasn't like I forgot. I was like, yo, Andrew.

He had his hand out for a handshake, said, yo, Andrew. I went, what the fuck? And he kept walking at me while shaking his head going, I don't know, man. Like, his body was still in the, like, hey, Andrew phase. And even though his brain was in the same state. It was like I lagged out and I just kept moving. Couldn't stop myself. I slapped his fucking hand away. It's okay. You'll all be my butt baby boys forever. Butt baby boys.

So to summarize briefly what happened last episode, there was a lot of fighting. Doug died for Peyton. Peyton almost died. You got all your kids back. They drove up in a van to save you. It turns out that the dads are extremely powerful. They killed about a third of your troops in a really short fight. You fled. You told the bad dogs to flee with you. And now you're in a van with Henry driving and...

Ron in Shotgun. Where are you going to go? What are you going to do? You've got a van full of your kids and you're surrounded by a bunch of bad dogs and you know that somewhere behind you, Willie Stampler and Barry Oak and Bill Close are probably going to be looking for you. Well, diehard reference, Bill Clay. It's Alan Rickman's alias when he pretends to be... We drive back to our home. First things first. So yeah, we're in. Shit, you found the cheat code to beat Dungeons and Dragons. No.

uh first things first henry turns behind me goes seatbelts seatbelts everyone got their seatbelts on i'm already buckling grant seatbelt and i'm hugging him at the same time i said that was great move grant so smart i'm glad oh man you still have the stone with you he goes kind of and he shows it to you and it basically it's got a big ass crack down the middle of it so it's kind of in two halves now because i mean i don't think you're supposed to my goodness bethany oh no

That's the answer you have. There's a big old butt crack down the middle of the orb, and it's shattered, and it seems like you probably can't use it anymore. I mean, you used it pretty good, so good job. Yeah, no thanks. Hey, did someone get the drone?

No. Oh, man. The drone, I guess. Who was using it? Doug, right? Doug was. Yeah, Doug was using it. Sorry, I forgot to mention the last episode when Doug got vaporized, you heard the clatter of the drone remote going down and none of you thought to pick it up, I guess. So the drone was probably like auto land. It'll auto land once it runs out batteries in about 40 minutes or whatever. Yeah. No, it's actually a nuclear fusion in the future and it'll auto land based on GPS on where it took off from back in our world.

And the Fry's Electronics? Yeah, we just go back to the Fry's. So there are not enough seatbelts for all the kids, first of all. Fair enough, fair enough. I think I like more or less sat on my children when I got in the car because they were, okay, right? Alright, Lark Sparrow, just see if you two of you can scooch in and just click the belt buckle around all three of us, I guess. Just, we gotta be safe, okay? We gotta be safe. We almost

time yep they can use my seatbelt i stand up as i come back here kids it was a good seat right here daryl don't stand up in the van though that's dangerous too i'd rather it be the kids you know have a seatbelt than me though okay but just just hold on to something because yes ron uh terry do you want to share my seatbelt or maybe i have um let's see i might have like a long sleeve t-shirt somewhere around here that i could just tie you to the chair with why are you wearing pants

It's a long story, actually. Your stepfather did something very brave and gave up his entire ability to wear pants so that we could find you. That's a very nice way of putting it. Really, I just did it for the betterment of humanity, Terry. I'm something of a hero myself.

Mr. Mustache, what's a good thing to tell my son about my pants situation? Something that makes me sound like really brave and really cool and really like dad. Like not like stepdad dad, but like dad dad. You can tell him that you lost him like saving somebody's life. Like somebody was coming after you and you grabbed somebody and then the monster like grabbed your pants and pulled them off. Okay. I don't know, man. I don't know. I didn't go to improv class. Ha ha ha.

Mr. Mustache, I wish you had told me about the improv classes before you attached yourself to my face. This whole thing could... You put me on your face. You chose to do this. Oh, I put you on your face? Yeah. I'm just asking you a question again with a question in emphasis. You want my questions real quick? Yes, and? Um...

Uh, Terry, I lost my pants, uh, saving somebody's life. My life is, I would have died if it wasn't for, uh, Ron, you, you taking those pants off and using them on that monster, tripping that monster. Roll deception. With an assist, right? Uh, we'll give you a plus two.

Oh, yeah. It's going to be 21 with the plus two. Jesus. Oh, yeah. Lied to my son. Oh, yeah. Nothing like it. So Terry Jr. looks at you and he like, huh? And he nods and he goes, good job, dad. And a little prompt comes up and says, Terry Jr. will remember that. So he seems like he's actually pretty proud of you. Anthony, you're going to go ahead and note that in his stats in terms of where his alignment is going to be based on that. That's actually not a bad idea to write that down as a note. Yeah.

Terry Jr., easy to lie to. Well, now Ron's like, oh, yikes. I didn't know. That's the first time he's ever believed me at something. Yeah, it's only going to worsen your anxiety, I assume. Yeah. All right, gentlemen, everyone, where are we going? What are we doing? Where am I taking this van? I feel like we had this whole plan figured out up until us getting the kids. How do we get the kids? Mark immediately is like, we need to go back and fight those dudes. Why are we running away from a good fight? We were winning.

That's not a good fight. No, you guys did a good job. We're going to bring you back and we should all rest at the very least. Lark, the goal of this fight was to all survive and be together. And we won the fight. We kicked this fight's butt by beating the fight to save you. But I saw that guy get like turned into dust. So we didn't all make it out. Well, someday I'm going to tell you about... He was weak.

Doug was very brave. He saved our friend Peyton. And we're all going to remember Doug and what a brave thing he did. But Doug wasn't on the payroll. Doug was an unpaid intern. And that's what happens to them sometimes. And Lark takes out a notepad and writes that down.

Hey, everyone. Meet Payden. Hey, guys. What's up? Yeah, Payden's like this kid we found in the orphan. Well, you know what? Now that I think about where that sentence goes and where Larkin Sparrow, you guys kind of like go towards, I'm just going to back that sentence up a little bit. Yeah. What?

Yeah, Peyton's just a kid. Ixnay on the U-A-F-A-E-S-A. Peyton's just a kid. I lean over to Grant and I whisper to him. I say, hey, so Peyton, he doesn't really have any parents and we've been taking care of him. If you'd just be nice to him, I think you could use a friend.

Uh, Terry, this is my, my half brother, Peyton. Peyton is like, I don't think we're half brothers. That does. I don't know. I don't, but Hey, all right. Then, then who is your, your father figure? You're, you're, you're, you're, uh, who's who your daddy? I mean, yeah, I, I, your dad seems like the guy, but I don't know. I don't, I just, I just don't want us to be brothers. That's just weird. My dad is my dad too. Yeah. That's something I guess that we have a common. That's a good point.

So wait, I just began to realize those three people were your dads, right? Yes, that was my father, Barry. At least the spinning image of my pops. Okay, but Peyton, you're saying that

Ron's dad. How do you know Ron's dad? The first thing that I remember, like the earliest memory that I have is Ron's dad being really mean. What was he doing in the memory? My first memory too. No, so sad. I don't know. He was like telling me that like I wasn't good enough and that I sucked and that I was going to be an asthmatic little, little shit forever. And then he kicked me off into the bully wogs to fight. Oh,

Dang. And then several years went by that I bet you guys that things have never been better. Daryl just like hugs Peyton. It's like clenching his fist and just like staring daggers at Ron. It's like Ron watching that happen. And he's like, huh? Oh, Grant will remember that. Ron, what's up with your dad? Uh,

what's up with your dad? Guys, I just, I don't know what to say. I, I feel bad that he attacked all of us. I know that none of us have good dads. It's almost as if the patriarchy is set up to systematically hurt men. But, um, I, hell yeah, brother. Um, Mark's like, I just think

Basically, what Peyton was saying is right. The first things that I ever remember is my dad being mean to me too and saying that I couldn't do things and stuff like that. And now, just like Peyton, I met all of you guys and now things have never been better. And guess what? My stepson is here and I'm looking at him in the eye right now and it's not weird at all. It's not weird. We're just like making eye contact right here. It's a little weird.

You have not blinked in several minutes. Now it hurts to blink, so I'm not going to ever. That's not how it works. You have to blink. No, it's like my eyes are getting. Roll perception. How would that even? How is that possible? But it's a nat 20. A nat 20. All right. Well, then you notice that the entire time Sparrow has been hugging you around the waist and he's going, it's okay, baby. It's okay. It's all right. It's all right.

Sparrow, what are you doing back there? I'm spreading the love. Okay, but just make sure to ask for consent before you hug someone, okay, buddy? I'll put that in the old brain box. Hey, Ron, can I hug you? Yeah, Sparrow, of course. That was Peyton's voice. Shit. Can I hug you? Yeah, I mean, aside from our impending death and sort of the mystery of how we're ever going to get home or survive this, things have never been better for me. When you say impending death, all the kids kind of look to you daddies and they go like, we're going to...

We're going to what's happening. How do we get out? We're going to go home, right? We're going home. I mean, we're going to try to find a way home. But I mean, if you can't tell, it's pretty wild right now. You were just kidnapped by your grandparents. It appears not you, Grant, but everybody else's grandparents. It's like, well, first things first, we got to get a lay of the land, get some intel. And these boys have spent the most time with our prime enemy here. So, Nick, like, what can you tell us about these? Oh, by the way, you good?

Am I good? Am I good? This guy, I hold a fist bump. He fist bumps you with a trembling hand that he tries to immediately like steady with his other hand. I'm good. I'm good, baby. Woo. And then it fist bumps you. I mean, maybe, maybe we can talk to the kids, but like, I got to ask you guys, like, it,

They're your dad's. What can you tell us? Like, why are your dad's? Gosh, man, I don't. Are your dad's alive? When was the last time you talked to them? Like, did they disappear? Do you know why they took your kids? No, no, no. I don't know. I don't know about this. Death seems to hold no dominion in this land. And I'm not sure about this guy here. So for the time being, I'm just going to assume he's not my dad and some sort of weird shape shifting motherfucker who looks like my dad.

That's going to be easier for me to process. No. Hey, Lark Sparrow? Yes? Can you guys plug your ears for a second and not listen to me like you always do? Certainly. So Sparrow plugs his ears immediately, and then Lark, I'll tell you whether he does it or not. Roll perception. I got a two. So, yeah, he plugs his ears. Okay.

I look, I haven't talked to my dad in a really, really, really long time. We had a big fight when I was a young man and I left and I don't even really have a lot of memories from that time in my life. So we were not on great terms. I just I don't know what he's doing here. I'm as freaked out and confused as the rest of you. I don't know. It doesn't make any sense. Not to press the issue, but this is important to me. Yeah.

Glenn, is your dad alive or not? No, he's dead, man. So he died in our world. Yeah. So and he's here. Willie died, too. I mean, my dad, he didn't like me to call him Willie, but he yeah, he he drowned after after being pulled in by a fish while fishing with his fancy big lure.

Oh, man. I still have the lure. You do? Yeah, I mean... You don't have it with you, do you? I do. Whoa. Wait, you're holding on to the lure that killed your dad? Well, he always wanted me to have it, but he never let me actually go fishing with him. That's some pretty metal shit, man. So your two dads died, and you haven't seen your dad in a long time. I guess he... I haven't talked to him since I left. He could have died, I guess.

Oh, man. My dad died, but he wasn't here. Yeah, where's your dad? I don't know. My dad died a long time ago. But, like, I don't know. Was he, like, a... My dad was the best. My dad was just the best guy ever. Didn't you have the... Didn't your dad show up when you do the thing where you protect everybody? Yeah, we all saw your dad. Your dad is George Washington. Yeah. He's, like, a less problematic George Washington, if I remember correctly. He's George Washington with all of his complications. No.

Nick, you remember like grandpa when you were a kid, right? Very vaguely. I remember seeing him kind of once and he didn't really talk to me and he kind of left before dinner. So did you get any sense of who that person was? Did you get that same kind of energy, that same kind of vibe? Yeah. I mean, he ignored me as much as the other guy did. So it felt definitely on par. And like, he's got some of your, like not visually, cause you're like way cooler looking than him, but some of the, some of the ticks, some of the, you know, the like,

Just the chill vibes. Yeah, no, I get it. I get it. But like bad chill vibes. I guess I could call, I mean, the ancestral thing, but like I can't talk to them yet. Not to level nine. And I wasn't quite sure. It's very dreamlike. I wasn't quite sure if it was real or like, but I guess I can give a shot. So we could see your dad? I guess. I don't know whether that would really help, but like it seems like a coincidence that like all your dads are here. Could we like write a message and hold it up to him? Like, what do you mean by you can't talk to him?

Like when I talk, they didn't talk back. They just gave me like thumbs up and like nods and stuff like that. Well, maybe we could do thumbs up for thumbs up and thumbs down for thumbs up. Thumbs up for how do we get out of here? Yeah. Thumbs down for tell us how to get out of here. Look, look, guys, I'm just saying we got our kids. And last I heard, wasn't Aaron going out with that flat dude? He seemed to know something about like traveling dimension. That's right. There was a dimensional witch. Oh, yeah. Vincent. Vincent.

Victor? Vince. Vince. Vince. Like Vince Neil. Vince was turned flat by a dimensional witch, and he thought maybe she might know something about crossing dimensions. Can I take a glance around? Is anybody following us? Roll perception. 16. In the way distance, you can see a bird trying to flap its wings hurriedly to catch up to you. Like a big, like a raptor, like a hawk. There's a big old bird following us. I know. He's been tailing us for the last 20 minutes. What?

I'm just fucking around. Henry doesn't say that. Hey, wow, look at that big bird back there. You're right. You got to very briefly experience what it's like to be a normal Dungeons & Dragons player. What do you think that bird wants? Should we pull over and ask? Well, let's just slow down. It's from behind us. Yes. It's from the direction of the castle raven. No, you dingbats. That's probably your pops, man. Turned into a bird. He turned into a dragon. Why can't he turn into a bird? We should accelerate. I run out in the window and I go, hey, bird.

What's up? I look at the bird and I say, are you my daddy? In the clear ringing voice of Barry O, he goes, if you could just bring the van to a slow, I think we could all come to an agreeable place for all of us. Wait, dad!

Father, is that you? Correct, yes. I'm driving with my friends, Father. I'll talk to you later. I did not give you permission to do that. I would recommend you if you just pulled over. I roll up the window. That's rude. That's just rude. I roll back down. You're a jerk. I roll back up. I disagree. I don't hear that. I hear... Henry is like...

White knuckle in it? Mean red, angry dad driving. Hey, buddy, you want me to take over the wheel there for a second? No, I'm fine. Ron rolls down the window and flips off the bird. Hey, I gave him the bird. Henry, I gave the bird the bird. I heard you the first time, Ron. That's very funny. I roll up the window. I lock the windows. Dang, this would be a good time to use a drone. Well, is he going to keep following us? He's going to keep following us. We're going to lose him, man. Why don't you slow down so he's really close and then slam the brakes on him and run into the back window?

If he's going to keep following us, I better just see what he wants, okay? No, but he's very powerful. He almost killed me. He almost killed me, dude. Yeah, he almost killed all of us. We should kidnap their kids. We should tell our army to loose arrows and shit. I can't drive. Someone else drive. Henry just lets go of the steering wheel. I rub my temples. Mark and Sparrow try to jump into the front of the driver's seat. No, no, not you two, not you two. I'm jumping into it also. All right, so we'll do an opposed dexterity. They'll be at disadvantage because Henry's going to try and grab them.

Oh my god. Don't crash the fucking van. Oh my god. I got a natural 20 and a 17, so it's gonna be a 17. I got a 4. I got a 9. Okay, so Lark and Sparrow jump into the driver's seat and they go, we've got this! Oh no! And immediately, Lark starts drifting, like, kind of, just directly into the woods, like, is like dodging trees back and forth. Stop the car! Stop the car! Stop the car! Roll intimidation.

I got 16. So Sparrow goes, yes, father, and slams his foot down on the brakes and everybody goes and moves forward and everybody that was wearing a seatbelt is happy that they are. Wear seatbelts. I was not and I was trying to climb over so I feel like I... Oh yeah, roll dexterity. I think you're where the windshield is now. Yeah, I was like climbing between the two seats when that happened. That's an eight. So you just right into the front windshield and you take a d4 of damage. One. Yeah, not that bad. That's it. Daryl's driving. You two go in the back. Oh.

Oh, fine. We did so good though. Okay. I guess I just climb and I start driving away from the bird. Yeah. Okay. Well now it's had time to get way closer to you. So now it's in attack range. If you wanted to do it, attack it or can attack you. Should we talk to, I mean, it's your dad. It would be good to get some, I mean, arrow down the window. Hey, is it just you? He goes, Oh, of course. Yes, absolutely. Just me. Glenn's going to take a shot at it with his gun.

Oh my god. Don't shoot my dad. What are you doing? Sorry, baby. It happened. Go ahead. Roll. Roll. Give me a ranged attack roll. It's just a d20 plus. And your dad's dead. You probably don't think they're really the dad. I don't think they're the dad. I'm taking a shot. Range attack roll, baby. Do I get a plus for any ranged attack? You should. Yeah. I feel like Glenn's also been to a firing range before, so I feel like... Glenn's been to an airsoft range. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, but it's the same fucking mechanics, baby. What's the type of guy who has a surprise birthday party at a gun range where everybody's hammered? Ugh.

Oh, God. No, that's fucking irresponsible shit. Yeah, that's not a Glenn move at all. Glenn's much more likely to go to Disneyland without his son and then send Instagram pictures to his friends. Yeah, but you're not going to be... Don't operate firearms when you're fucking drunk. Unless you want to lose your Twitch channel. Okay, so roll D20 and then add four. All right, 15. D&D AC of a hawk.

Okay, so that hits. So the bullet sails directly through the body of Barry Bird Oak, and it goes, oh, ca-caw, ca-caw, and sort of falls over. You shot my dad! What the frick? Henry, your dad hits the ground and is like, that was extremely rude and really violent, and I think, I think, I know that you're better than that. I know my son is better than that. Stop, stop the car, stop the car. You sure? No, no, floor it! I'm sure. Floor it!

Floor it. No. I stopped the car. No. If it goes south. No. What the fuck are you talking about? Floor it. I just stopped the car. This guy almost killed me. No. Floor it. Unless you're going to take an action, he stopped the car. Unless you're going to try to make him hit the gas. Glenn?

If shit goes down, get my kids out of here. I'm shooting your dad. Do not shoot my dad again, Glenn. While we're arguing about this, do you think that I could get maybe a short rest or a long rest or anything like that? Because I've only got 11. Hold on a second, Ron. It's a little more intense than what's going on. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I'm loading the gun and aiming it at the fucking down bird. Okay. Glenn. Fucking, this is a dumb idea and I'm going to- Okay, Glenn. Can I speak? No, let's-

Let's go. Talk to your dad. Do whatever bullshit you need to do. If anything happens, I'm pulling the trigger. Okay. I appreciate that you're looking out for us. I pulled the hammer back. I respect the enthusiasm and energy with which- Henry, I would go and talk to your dad right now. Okay. I'm going to go talk to my dad. I get out of the car and I approach very cautiously. So Barry bleeding out on the ground is like, ooh, some pretty negative energy there. I think those might be some toxic influences on you, my son.

Have you been doing your breathing exercises in through the nose, out through the mouth? I did you so much. I decocked the hammer and re-cock it for effect. Father?

Son. What are you doing here? I'm following you, obviously. What do you mean you're following me? I need the children back. I need your boys. This is this again? Yeah, of course. I thought there was something new. No, it's the same thing. I'm just following you. Well, no. We said no back there. I need you to respect my choices. That's why I left. Oh, my son, my son, my son, my son. I can't respect your choices when you don't make good ones. You don't have the wisdom that I do. Let's go. I'm tired of this bullshit. I will say, I can convince Mr. Stampler to...

allow you to abscond with Lark and Sparrow if we could just have the others. So that is maybe something for you to consider. Get the fuck in here. I consent to that. Yeah, they can abscond for sure. Our family, the Oaks, the good boys could go back to that world as long as you just give us the other one. So that's something we could definitely work out. Father, I have a question for you. Yes, my son.

There's that breathing I'm talking about. Perfect. Oh, my God. Out through the mouth. Yes. Oh, my God. Move through you and Vinyasa. Yes. If we are such bad sons that you want to take our sons, what does that say about how good of a father you were? So he starts doing bird yoga while you're describing this? Yes.

And he goes, "Oh, my son." See, the thing that you'll find out about being a father, the trick of it is, the longer it goes on, the better you get at it. And the tragedy of old age is that once you've learned all the lessons that you can to become the ultimate father, your child is now grown and you have to die. You have to die of old age. And that's true tragedy.

It's almost as if the world has never known a truly good father. I was a decent father to you. Not great, obviously, given the company that you keep in your whole, you know, this. I'm slowly reversing towards Henry. Like, just like slowly approaching this whole time. And I'm like, I'm gonna go like, hell yeah, Daryl, get me in closer. So Henry is between you and Barry if you wanted to like hit Barry. No, I'm just like, I'm just like rolling so that I can get the door open for Henry. But I'm also just getting closer. But I'm doing as quietly as I can. Roll stealth.

No, roll either stealth or car handling. Yeah, vehicle handling. Okay, roll vehicle handling. Stealth vehicle handling. I have minivan handling. You have to roll minivan handling and stealth and get above a 15 on both. Okay, well, for the minivan, I got 17, and then the stealth is probably going to be a lot harder. Yeah, you think?

11. Okay, so he sees that the car is coming near him and he goes like... No, no, what happens is I'm doing it really quietly and I'm looking backwards and then I slip and my elbow hits the horn. My cum. Oh, you've completely... I have to start over. And then he starts his whole yoga routine over again. Mr. Mustache, what does abscond mean? Abscond means to... Let me... Just a second. Let me...

Let me, let me. It's okay, I'll wait. It's okay if you don't know, Mr. Mustache. No, no, no. Let me just get the exact definition from Mustachepedia in my mind. It means to leave hurriedly and secretly, typically to avoid detection. Oh, okay. Yeah, no, then that's good. When you said you would ask Mr. Stampler, and I'm Mr. Stampler, so I think everything would be. Oh, you mean your dad. Oh, no. Yeah. No, I'm Mr. Stampler. Honey, I think you meant your dad. Okay.

Okay, yeah, just keep reversing then. Was that a sufficient answer, my son? Do you understand now? I understand.

Our answers still no. So get in the car, do the goodbye. And I get in the car. Okay, well, we'll probably have to kill you. I'm very sorry. I'm very sorry. I do believe if you could be a little bit more reasonable, we could find a better arrangement. I'm going home. Goodbye. Okay, no, you'll be back. Hey, Mr. Oak, go ahead and tell the other two dads, which I don't even know if they're really dads because I guess the other dads died and I don't believe that this is the afterlife. So whatever. I'm a little confused right now. Either way, just so you know, if you come for us, we will kill you.

Cool. And you're never going to have our kids. Goodbye. I rolled the window before response. Before you go, just for certainty's sake, if you wish to ask me anything that only I would know. I'm not here. You're gone. All right. So, yeah, you see the bird continue to limp towards you, but it's not quite enough. I back up to it. I stop the car for a second and then I roll backwards into it. Okay. You try to roll vehicle handling. Sorry.

Plus four is six Yeah so it dodges out of the way and you can hear under your car going like that's very gauche trying to run me over that's just classless I drive forward again and I'm like Guys I can pretty safely say that's either my father or a ghost that knows him very well is doing a very good impression of him I think this is I don't know how but I think that's my dad Either way it's insufferable I probably should have asked him how he got here Shit can you guys mind if we stop again

Okay, I stop. And I roll backwards. Hey! And I roll down the window. Father, father, sorry, one more thing. How are you here? What the heck's going on? I left you. I was at the commune. We had to fight. And then, you know, it's vague. And then, you know, I just haven't talked to you in a while. But I don't understand...

How you're in this magical realm. Why don't you roll persuasion? My dazzling display of rhetoric just then doesn't get me a free one on my own. No, you just exasperatedly asked why a bunch of times, a.k.a. the Henry Oak special. Oh my gosh. The dice are not kind to me today, my friend. That would be a...

He goes, oh, I would be absolutely delighted to explain why as soon as I'm done eviscerating your car. And he transforms into a giant crab. A giant enemy crab? Yeah, like a crab the size of a beaver. A giant enemy crab? So yeah, you speed away and you see him beginning to like...

like sideways at you but he's not going fast enough to catch up to you does he have a weak spot on his belly that we can hit for massive damage such fresh knees he can't go fast enough no he can't go fast enough to catch up to you he's just a crowd I kind of just I keep driving I swerve like left and right in front of him be like hey you're not so fast there are you buddy okay asshole hey don't don't bait he can probably turn into other stuff let's go he turns into a cheetah the moment I see him start driving

They say opposites attract. That's why the Sleep Number Smart Bed is the best bed for couples. You like a bed that feels firm, but they want soft?

Sleep Number does that. You want to sleep cooler while they like to feel warm? Sleep Number does that too. J.D. Power ranks Sleep Number number one in customer satisfaction with mattresses purchased in-store. And now, during Sleep Number's biggest sale of the year, save 50% on the Sleep Number limited edition smart bed, plus special financing for a limited time. For J.D. Power 2023 award information, visit jdpower.com slash awards. Only at a Sleep Number store or sleepnumber.com.

See store for details.

That's true. Say goodbye to your overpriced wireless plans, jaw-dropping monthly bills, and unexpected overages. Oh, we could do a Deadpool Wolverine-like theme for this one. Mint Mobile's here to rescue, just like Deadpool rescued Wolverine from the timeline that he was in with premium wireless plans. Who rescued who? Starting at 15 bucks a month. All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text. You know who talks an unlimited amount is the Merc with the Mouth in Deadpool 3. Delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. Bub.

Use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all of your existing contacts into anywhere in the multiverse you might choose to go. Ditch overpriced wireless plans with Mint Mobile's deal and get three months of premium wireless service for $15 a month. To get this new customer offer and your new three-month premium wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash dungeons. That's mintmobile.com slash dungeons. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash dungeons.

$45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. C-Mint Mobile for details.

Dungeons and Dragons brought to you this week by Rocket Money. Rocket Money cancels subscriptions for you. And they also negotiate lower bills. Like, this is a thing you pay for, but guess what? It saves you money. That's how it works. How much do you think you're overpaying in subscriptions every month? Too much. 74% of people have subscriptions they've straight up forgotten about.

Like me. You know what I'm going to do is I'm going to start doing like the guy in Memento and I'm just going to tattoo all my subscriptions on my body and that way I'll remember. Yeah, it's like I got one on my chest that says YouTube TV and it says never trust this guy. There's just a big one on my chest that says John G signed me up for Adobe Cloud. John G didn't have a Roku. Ha ha ha.

Most Americans think they spend about $62 a month on subscriptions. But guess what? The real number? Closer to $300. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so that you can grow your savings. With Rocket Money, you have full control over all of your subscriptions and a clear view of your expenses. You can see all of your subscriptions in one place. And if you see something you don't want, you just tap it. You cancel it. Tap it a few times. It's gone. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

I love also that the dashboard shows you... That was me tapping all of you guys. I want you out of my life. I'm cutting you out. Aww. I love how the dashboard also shows this month's spending compared to last month so you can track month to month how much you're spending. You can see those habits and they'll help you create a custom budget to help keep your spending on track. Rocket Money will even try to negotiate lower bills for you by up to 20%. All you have to do is submit a picture of your bill and Rocket Money takes care of the rest. It's just like those when you deposit a check in a bank. You know what I mean? You just take a picture. That really is crazy.

Take a picture of a check and that's how it works? I know, that was wild when that first time I saw it. I felt like I was in the future. I was like, do I take a picture of a $20 bill and now I have $20 more in my account? Yeah, Rocket Money. No. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all the app's features. So stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com. That's rocketmoney.com. That's rocketmoney.com.

You are again driving away. He's again in pursuit, but he's still kind of slow because he does have a gunshot wound. So he's not stopping. No, he's not stopping. But I will say that if you drive straight to like a town or whatever without stopping for a rest or anything like that, you will basically outpace him enough to get there and maybe have time to hide the van or whatever the

Because, like, remember, you guys still have that charm inside the van. Yeah, the magical items. Yeah, that, like, magically sort of cloaks it from anybody who tried to detect you. So just to remind you, Neverwinter is a day's drive away if you want to get back to Neverwinter. The bad dogs, the leader of them, I guess the pro temp leader, rides up to you on the horse and goes, so you've got us for about the next, like, six hours. Okay, here's what you guys can do. You can turn around and make a big wall and then attack this cheetah that's coming after us and slow him down.

That sounds perfect. All right, cool. Good day, sir. Just do it for six hours.

I guess you'll just let us know how well that works or not. Yeah, I mean, you'll know when he comes up and how many body parts he has hanging off of him, I guess. Oh, well, that tells us how well it's going to go. Guys, we need to get into a town and we need to lay low. All right, all right, okay, all right. You know, it's fine. I had a weird run-in with my dad who I haven't talked to in 20 years, but it's fine, it's fine, it's fine. Let's, you know, let's come up with a plan, right? Yeah. Step one, get back to Earth. Neverwinter. Neverwinter.

Well, the step one is never winter. Step 1A is, you know, figure out how to do step one. Right. And step 1A1 is get to a place where we can do that. I lean over to Grant and say, hey, Grant, can you get Mr. Protein Bar? He's feeling a little. I think he needs something to eat. Daryl, I'm talking.

Daryl, we all have to pay attention to the plan, okay? Sorry, sorry. Of course, Henry. You know a lot. Where was I? Step 1A3, step 1A14. I don't... Okay. All right. I'm going to sit... I am sitting down. Okay. I'm going to just... Give me the protein bar. You hungry there, buddy? Yeah. Give me the protein bar. So Grant leans over to open up the... What is it? In a Tupperware? Or what is it? Where is the... No, I have a box. Oh, a box. He thrusts his hand into a box and inside... Oh, hold on. A box of...

Protein or energy bars of indeterminate branded origin. Oh, yes. And they're delicious. I was kind of hoping that Daryl bought a bunch of Luna bars thinking they were meant for men by mistake. And now he feels weird about it. I love Luna bars. They're great. Oh, no. The only thing that's back is a bunch of cards for audible.com. That's not bad.

Wait, what about Luna Bars? I thought Luna Bars is like, aren't they like a for women bar? Or am I making that up? I had no idea. They're marketed as such, but they're actually just delicious. They're very tasty. They're a nutrition bar aimed at women. Well, I hope it's a box of Nature Valley XL protein bars is all I can say. You reach into the box and inside, Mark just grabs your hand. He goes, I ate all of them. I was very hungry. They forgot to feed us.

I'm sorry. Oh, they forgot to feed you guys? They forgot to feed us. What was the last time any of you ate Jeepers Creepers? A couple days. A couple days. All right. And we got hit up a Bullywugs, guys. We're no Bullywugs. We're not going Bullywugs. No Bullywugs. Hey, you know what's Bullywugs? We can make some money, baby. We can crack this thing. No, it's okay, Payne. Yeah, I'm also feeling a bit peckish. If there's some sort of drive-through option or... I think we're going to drive to Neverwinter and find the safest inn and hide this van, and then we can all just...

get ourselves, you know, situated, right? Yeah, but I'm in the mood for something fast, like chickeny or just something, you know, some road food. Well, we'll see what they have at the next exit, okay? Okay. Also, I have to pee. Okay, well, you should have thought of that before you got in the car. That doesn't change the fact that he has to pee. That's a jacked up thing to say to him. I hand him an empty water bottle. I say, go ahead.

Yeah. All the kids go, you know. Yeah, well, it's either that or we all die if we step all over. So let's keep moving, okay? I can hold it. You don't want to go? I can hold it. Okay. Roll constitution. So it's come to this. Oh, no. It's a four. Uh-oh. Can you pee a little bit? Not a lot. It's not a lot. It's not like fountains going everywhere, but it's definitely a little bit.

What is Ron wearing again? There's no pants. There's no pants. Oh, no. There's nothing to hide by. Just a tighty-whitey? This is cool guy boxers. There's cool guy boxers. Just the front of the cool guy boxers, like the O in the cool is just like kind of a darker black than all the surrounding it. Can I see how you perceive this? Why? Role perception, sure. I don't know. I just want to. I got a seven. You can't sell. Okay. As far as you're concerned, it's still cool guy. Cool guy. Yeah, I'm good, guys. If me and your pants is cool, I'm the coolest. I'm the coolest.

Okay. So you guys make it to Neverwinter, let's say. And what are you going to do with the van? Right.

We're going to hide it. We got to hide this thing. So you're going to do the typical daddy's special hide it. Usually we have Aaron O'Neill's tree boys hide it for us. The inn, I assume they have a stable. I say we have a very large horse that we need to put in our stable. We put it inside the hay, like a big pile of hay. Yeah, I feel like that would be fine with some of the money you have left over. And we should probably have like the charm. Do we keep it on us and does it still protect us? Or is it like... If it's enclosed, it protects it. So if you want to like hide something in a box...

and nobody can see what's inside the box, you put the charm in the box. If you want to hide it inside of a room with a closed door, that works. What if we attach it to an umbrella and held it up like a tour group? Wouldn't work because that's not enclosed. What if we're in the barn? We could rest while we're in the barn with the charm. Nobody can see that we're in the barn. Do we need to actually go into Neverwinter if we have this thing? Can we pull over? We need to feed the kids though. We need some food and some rest. I need a long rest. And I still need to pee a little bit. Only a little bit? You said you had to pee a lot before.

Well, I'm also getting dehydrated. Grant is looking at Ron with the most sympathy you have ever seen. Like, this is what he's like all the time. Just this. So do you guys want to find like a roadside in tavern? Yeah, like a red lion. Dude, this is like the most D&D that this is like.

place. We find the D&D ass tavern on the side of the road. As we approach Neverwinter, there's like an inn as we approach it. We go past that inn and we drive all the way through Neverwinter to the backside of Neverwinter and go to that inn. You go to the fantasy ass. I'm just going to Google search the first hit result for D&D fantasy tavern sound effect and just pipe that shit in. Fucking lutes and shit. Like I want the fucking candles and lutes and like the ale. I pull over to the first inn really quick. I pull over to the first inn and say, hey guys, wait one second.

And I run into the first sin. What is he doing? I run into the first sin. Can Ron go pee? Yeah, Ron, you can pee. Ron, come with me and pee. You guys just stay with the kids really quick. I run and I give the person like 20 silver. Okay. I go, hey, so just like we're going to take that whatever room you got. Tell them that's four dads and a bunch of kids are in there and we're having a rowdy time. If anybody asks where we are, you say this room. Okay.

Okay, cool. So you want the key, you don't want the key. Yeah, sure, I'll take it. Yeah, can I take the key really quick and then I'm going to go to the bathroom and then come back and give you the key. Okay. And it's an extra dollar for you if you tell everybody that you possibly see, especially if it's like a cougar or like an animal. Just so if a hot mom comes in. Yeah, yeah.

Hey, you see four single dads? Hey, sir, you see four single dads here, am I right? I will send all cougars in your direction. You just make as much noise as possible. Let them know that Ron Stampler, super high as Ron. The singer. This is in this inn and nowhere else. Thank you very much. Oh, shit. Okay. Here's another piece of silver. If anybody ever asks if Ron has ever...

had an accident in any capacity, number one or number two, say no. I mean, it's the truth, but just an extra incentive to say no. Okay. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I've really got to go to the bathroom, but I'll be back. So after you pee and as you guys leave the inn, you hear the barkeep shouting, Hi, I'm Ron's playing a concert here, and he never peed his pants. And everybody goes, Huzzah! Okay.

Okay, then we drive to the second inn. Okay, so the second inn is called Vixen's Gale. It's the Vixen's Gale, this tavern, and that is a name submitted by, I believe their name is Nittai, or Nittai. It's a cool-ass name. Imagine the most cliche Dungeons & Dragons-ass tavern you can imagine. Yes, finally! Dude, it's been a year! What?

Is there a party of level one adventurers meeting for the start of their quest in there? That's actually great, yeah. There's a fighter and like four rogues and they're just arguing about like, one of you should have been a cleric. I specifically asked for a cleric and a wizard and a paladin and they're like, I just like being, I like being sneaky. Um,

And there's like a goblin waiter going around. Like, he's got a little step stool he has with him and stands on it to take people's orders and put their drinks down. There's lamps, you know, hung all around the interior of the tavern. The bartender is a guy with a big old wart on his nose who spits into wooden mugs and cleans them with a washcloth. It's everything you could want. There's a cloaked man in shadow in the corner smoking a pipe. Yes, finally! Come on!

Finally, yes! I walk up to the bartender and say, Sir, we're a group of new travelers, and I'm wondering if there's any adventures that we could go on. Any dungeons around?

I need dragons to slay. That's right. Guys, Daryl's doing what's called a cover. We don't want anyone to know we're really staying here. So why don't we pretend to be a band of merry adventurers? Level one adventurers. Out into the world trying to save princesses and doing daring deeds, right? Yep. We received a mysterious missive. All of us were summoned by someone only going by the letter X.

And we were all told to come to this bar. Can we do voices, guys? Can we do voices? Okay, so as you say that, the man in the shadowy corner goes, You're here for X, aren't you? Uh, yeah. Yeah, that's good. Why else would we be here? Henry, character voices. Yeah, okay. That's right. That's right. Dado, Dado, Dado. Okay, okay. Okay, so Glenn's right. We all need to do cool character voices if we're going to pretend that we're undercover. So I'm going to do like a, like sort of an Aragorn voice. You cannot wield it. None of us can. Okay?

You kind of tweedled it. Does that sound like Aragorn? Yeah. Okay, great. I'm going to be the Aragorn. Do you guys know that movie? Lord of the Rings? Yeah, Lord of the Rings. It's a good movie. Ron, what will your voice be? Okay, I'm going to do this kind of like tough sort of like maybe northern U.S. voice and it's going to sound like really manly and cool. All right, here, I'm going to do it right now.

Hi, I'm Ron Stampler. That's pretty good. Wow, I got chills. Payne's like, wow, you nailed it. Oh, you nailed it. I'm going to go over to the rogues and be like, hello, fellow rogues. The rogues are like, have you ever sneak attacked? I bet you'll never guess what I am. It would almost be too roguish to be a rogue and not act like a rogue. Almost too sneaky, you'd say. Roll a persuasion. Ron's the hardest rogue that's ever rogued.

They seem very unimpressed. And they have all the usernames of everybody on Reddit. Every time they hear a new story about you guys, they write on the newsletter on the bottom, like, I'm not really impressed. I feel like one of them is not doing as well as they could be. Ooh, I'll be a bard. I'll talk like this.

Yes. That's great. I don't think they have Italians in this world, so I think that'll work just fine. I don't think I want to deal with this Mr. X guy. He seems anybody who's called Mr. X is not good. I'll be the fire. So like, hi, Mr. X. I'm pretty sure we're talking about another Mr. X. Thanks for thanks for coming, though. What's happening?

you for an adventure for us. Don't worry about us, Mr. X. If you sit right back in that corner, we'll be fine. Mr. X is like, I'm getting mixed signals. Do you want the adventure or do you not? It is great danger and great import. Tell us of this adventure. Yes, tell us. While they're talking to this guy and selling our story, Daryl, why don't you and I go book us a room? Okay, Mr. Inkeep. So the inkeep, the bartender, spits again

into a different mug. One that somebody's drinking out of. And he goes, Oi, what is it? I'm a fighter. Room's up. Six shillings of noir. My name... Oh no, why is this so funny? Yes, my name is Aragorn Baggins and we...

And these are my fellow adventurers. And these are our children. And we need a room. Hail and well met, Barkeep. I am Darthaniel, son of Eofarmly and...

and ruler of the seven realms of Farnangdleth. And I require a room for we are but adventurers. I beseech thee to let us stay here for a fort day. Or perhaps we could barter with the stoners sound of my lute. For I am Bartholomew, a traveling bard, here to trapeze across the lands in the search for my long lost love. Yo, Dungeons and Dragons fucking sucks. Um, yes, and I am...

I'm Dawn Crampler of the Minnesota Cramplings. And I am also on this wishful journey. Oh, sorry, I'm losing my voice. Oh, I can't even do the fake accent anymore. No, I'm getting back into Ron Stample. He says Ron or his past. Sometimes I don't know.

"But can we perhaps... barter a bit of song for a night, perchance?" "And will an extra shilling keep anybody from knowing we were here?" "Well, first of all--" "I flip him an extra shilling." "No one can know we're here!"

So are you trying to barter for a room with a song or are you going to pay me for six shillings and an additional one shilling for secrecy? I mean, Aragorn, perchance I could talk with thee for thine moment. Yes. We want him to think that we're really these people and that we are here. We don't want him to tell people we aren't here. Then all of the careful character work we've done will be wasted. Oh!

Alright, Barkeep, tell everybody that we're here. Tell them that Ron Crampler and all of- Ron Crampler? I mean, John Crampler. Everyone, everyone. And he clinks the glasses together and he goes, Ron is here. Sorry, everybody, he meant Don. I hear Ron is playing down on the other side of the town, though. A couple people in the end are like, wait, Ron's playing? And they fucking bolt.

Can we have a room, sir? Yes. Again, all you have to do is pay me the fucking six shillings. I give him the six shillings. Okay. Guys, maybe we should just go to the room. It's the first room on the right once you go up the stairs. Great kid, can we get us actually two rooms? Because it's a lot of us. Yeah. Two rooms, please. 20 shillings. Okay. Sure. I could have asked for more. You could have asked for more. No! Uh.

All right, so you have two rooms now. How are we going to split it up, guys? I guess I'll take one room with Larkin Sparrow, and you guys could take another room. And you guys have the charm on you, right? So being inside this building, you're- Oh, or we can fill one room with dummies and like-

Little bed pillows. And then if people come to attack us in the middle of the night, they'll think we're in that room. What do we all want to chill in one room for a second? Just to. Yeah. All right. Let's all. We can all hang out in my room for a second. We can all pick up hot chicks and then take them back. And so then like there's like only half of relevant people. I'm done. That's some D&D shit. Okay. Are you going to rest for the night? Hold on. Guys, we'll go to the room. We'll meet you there in one second. Hey, Mr. X. Yes. Tell us of what plans you have.

My plans are of great import, but- Bad board. All right, we're going to the room. He's still talking as you walk away. Holy shit. Did you all go to bed?

I guess we should just go to bed. Oh, we should get food. Let's just fucking eat, dude. Let's get some food. He was spitting in those cuffs a lot. I sick my head out the window. Is there like a Postmates in this town or something, man? It's like a dude on a horse that can bring us food from another place. You see a guy going by in a blue mailman's outfit. He goes, I'm not your mate. But he goes, I will bring you food for a premium. No.

Bring us food for how many people are we? There's nine. There's ten of us. Bring us food for ten people. Three meals need to be vegan, though.

I've never heard that word before in my life. Give me ten meals, but three of them are just vegetables. Ew. And no spitting. No spit in them. That's going to be extra. Okay, I toss them another shilling? No, we're using gold and silver. Give me a gold. I give him a gold. Okay. Holy shit. We have so much money. What a rube. Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

Remember before we were arguing about keeping 10 silver? Now we're just throwing gold left in rice. Season two of Dungeons and Tattoos about four rich cosplaying idiots. So cut to like an hour later, you all are eating some, like, actually for the gold, it seems like he didn't completely screw you over. He spent about half of it on the food. Sounds more like caviar than Postmates. Am I right? Hey. That's the fancy one, right? Yeah. Okay, cool. Beth, if you have to ask. No.

So you're all sitting in a room with your kids, eating food that's actually surprisingly good, and there's really lovely music, lute music, playing from the tavern below. And for the first time, it feels like you're actually in a relatively peaceful place. Like, you're kind of in a nice spot. I assume we're kind of relating the tale of, like, everything that went down. Oh, are we doing, like, a little montage over us explaining all of our trials and tribulations to our kids? Yeah.

Like in Return of the Jedi when C-3PO explains the whole story, but he's like, follow me, man of B2. Darth Vader. Henry looks around the room and he kind of smiles. He's like, this is nice. It's nice that everyone's together. I know our journey is still a long way to go. We've got a lot of trials and tribulations, I'm sure. But I just want to say this is really great. Yeah.

you know for right now yeah i'm actually more curious about kids what what did you go through well what was it like in there what happened tell us everything that happened to you guys so nick's like i mean before we got grabbed by the purple guys like i mean it sounds like you sort of heard most of it right guys and the other kids go yes you know most of the things that happened to us before then after the purple dudes took us they mainly just kept talking about how we were going to be raised by them and everything was going to be cool and that we were all family except for

and he points at Grant and Grant was like, yeah, they kind of just like kept referring me as like a backup plan. So backup plan. Yeah. Like, I don't know. Maybe they wanted a spare kid. I don't know, but they weren't nice about you. None of them were. And, uh,

Yeah, they... You guys have just been hanging out in that castle this whole time. Yeah, they've just been keeping us there, just trying to, like... They didn't feed you, though? No, they forgot the last couple days. They talk a lot about being good dads. I don't know how good they are. They seem kind of mean, especially Willie. Willie's really mean. Man, I'm so sorry you guys had to go through that. No, it was...

It was fine, I guess. Grant thinks it was fine. Terry is like, it was pretty hairy. He shouted at us a fair number of times, and it was really scary. Nick obviously thinks it's not a big deal. Lark still wants to go back and kill him, and Sparrow is like, I think we should forgive him. I think we should forgive all of them. I put my hand on Grant. I was like, Grant, are you sure? It sounds like it was pretty rough there. Are you okay? Yeah, no, I'm good. It's all good. Okay. It's okay if it wasn't. I mean, I would have been scared in there. Yeah. All right.

Well, gentlemen, what do we do now? What's next for us in this merry band? We could tell scary stories. Sorry, was that? Good idea, Peyton. Is that the thing I meant? Yeah. Okay, you go first. Okay. Well, boys and men and adventurers, once upon a time,

There was a very scary person. This person had an arm of string that he would cast into the water to pick up food. Food that breathed underwater. He was a monster man with a long string arm. And one day...

The string man having a son, I mean, a younger person that he was the father of biologically with through sex. He said, son.

Ronald, won't you fish with me? And the son said, sure. But then the son threw up after seeing a fish getting gutted. And he said, son, I'll never fish with you again. And so he cast his long string arm into the water with a big fancy lure on it. And it looked like this. It looked like a little like a squid sort of thing, but shiny. And then Ron takes the lure out of his pocket.

And then the guy caught something. He caught something huge. And he was as happy as his son had ever seen him. He had never seen his big, strong father that happy. And then there was a splash. And that was it. That's the end of the story. Woo! Spooky! Peyton's like, that was fucking terrifying. Ron, was that story about someone you know? Oh, you know, just the old pops. Willie. Willie.

I still can't get comfortable calling him Willie. He was just, you know, father. Dang. Dad. Yeah, my dad made me call him father, too, you know? I mean, that's kind of, that felt normal at the time. But then... Sir, yeah, I had to call him sir when I knew him. Well, gentlemen...

A toast, I guess. We all made it this far, and we're all going to make it a lot farther together. You know, we're all going to make it a lot father and son together. All of the kids. Spooky. Dad.

Good job, everyone, reacting to my joke. Should we do a long rest, I guess? I guess we should all hit the hay. We should long rest. Henry and Ron, you two and your kids, and then Grant, Peyton, me, and Glenn, and Nick. Nick, yeah. Okay. Listen, I think our next step has got to be finding Erin and meeting up with her somewhere.

You saw a bunch of trees on the way into here. Yeah, I feel like we're close enough to the forest there where I think that's our next step tomorrow, but we got a long day ahead of us. Maybe we can get a referral to this dimensional witch. Yeah. Hey, Terry. Yeah? Do you need anything before you go to sleep, kiddo? Like a bedtime story or a lullaby or anything? Like, do you need anything? Because the last story you told seemed kind of personal and kind of a bummer. Um...

Yeah, do you know any, like, lullabies? I mean, I know, like, Rockabye Baby. Do you want me to sing you Rockabye Baby? Yeah, no, yeah, let's do it. We can do it together. Together?

Are you going to do the thing with your voice? I mean, no. Is this the trailer for a horror movie? Okay. All right. I guess we're doing this. All right. One, two, three. I actually don't remember the words. All right. All right, Ron. All right. Good night, kiddo. Good night. Also, I'm giving Nick a knife. Oh, hell yeah. What for? Dude, like, you got to defend yourself, bro. Shit.

shit you, shit you. Right. He immediately starts like stabbing the door, just like, mm, mm, mm. Okay. I'm telling you, it's bad. I search Lark for knives before we go to sleep. You find more knife than not knife in his pants. I thought in case we needed to break out.

out like if anything you should be thanking me I appreciate the effort and I appreciate your your proactiveness and your can't do attitude I'm gonna hold on to the knives for now and if we need them um you know I'll make the decision about that when it comes up so father good brother sparrow has told me that you could now turn into a werewolf when do I get such power please that

I don't know. You know, I don't really get what's happening with all that. You know, the first time I did that. Some strange things happening to your body that you're maybe having questions about. The first time we came here, like there was this big flash and I heard a voice and I couldn't understand what it was saying. And, you know, so that's a mystery I'm still working on. But, you know, you're going to go through some mysteries of yourself as your body begins to change. Yeah.

Um, and you know, that's all a part of life. And I'm happy to talk to you about that anytime. Cause I do have some answers about that. Sparrow is like, I would love all the answers, as many answers as you possibly can. How are babies formed? Well, okay. I can, I just closed the door. I closed the door. We're separating our two rooms. I'm them. Like, that's gonna be a long night. I mean, I tell Grant that I love him and good night. I'm waiting for everybody else to go to sleep. Payton goes, which room should I? Oh, I mean, they already have three kids. We'll have three kids here. Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Uh,

Hey, Grant. And Grant's like, yeah, what? Peyton goes, your dad's pretty cool. And Grant's like, no, he didn't say anything. He just turned, he just turns away. Did I hear that? Goes to sleep. Roll perception. Yeah, I heard that. That's a 19. Cool. Yeah, you heard it. I'm going to wait until the kiddos are asleep. And I'm going to talk to my boy, Daryl Wilson here. Hey, Daryl. What's up, Glenn?

Did Ron kill his dad? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm pretty sure that sounded like Ron. I'm not great with these, as you know, like I'm not really, I'm not super smart on like the literature stuff, but like I, I,

I'm pretty sure the symbolism was pretty clear. I'm pretty sure his dad like drowned or something. I don't think he killed him. Yeah, but I think Ron pushed his dad in and killed his dad. You know, let's be honest. Like, would that surprise you? It'd be wrong, right? I mean, it explains a lot. Just saying, man. Hey, hey, hey, guys, what the fuck is wrong?

that coming from my voice whispering through the door hey Ron's asleep in here I just I couldn't help but over here I don't think he killed his dad either I don't think so either I don't think for what it's what I was Dan um when everybody's asleep can I try to slip away sure roll stealth with advantage yeah we are conked out like a long rest 16 yeah they'll do it so I go outside I have to evoke rage to do this

So I go outside. You work yourself up into a lather. I go outside and I look as they're like, I go to where the car is and I start, I just start punching the hay. I go, fuck.

Hitting the hay. What the fuck is he? While everybody's hitting the hay. And I get really angry, and then I evoke rage, and I evoke ancestral spirits. So once again, Coach Taylor, George Washington, and your father appear to you in spectral form. I salute George Washington, and then I say, sup, Coach. Sup, Coach. Coach Taylor looks at you, and he points at his eyes, and then he points at his heart.

And then he does like a hands across, just like a no gesture. And then an L with his fingers. Holy shit. I look at my dad, Frank, and I go, hey, dad. And he waves. Is this actually you? And he sort of gives you a sad smile. And he like opens his arms for a hug.

I put my hands up for a hug. So your hands, so they just go through his body and your hands just clutch nothing but air. And he kind of, he, he sadly shakes his head at you. So it's not you. And he shakes his head again. Is this a prank?

I feel like there's a better way you can show me that my dad wouldn't have done it that way that's for sure your dad your special dad bears his teeth and you hear like I like try to play it off like next to George Washington like I didn't fall for like oh hey I was just stretching um yeah I didn't think it was it was actually you that would be that'd be too easy I guess um

I don't know. I don't know what's going on here. I just want to say, I guess things were not being the sort of dad that that would be here right now. I don't know what these guys are going through. It seems like a lot. I don't know if I'm gonna be able to do it. I wish you were here, though. It points at itself and then puts up two fingers like me, too. Oh, well, I don't get what you said that I'm not very smart. What? Two piece.

So your dad just like shakes it and then sort of puts his hands out like a don't worry. You know, it doesn't matter. Don't worry about it. Three words starts with first word. You never work in that charades. It's all good. Okay. I mean, I guess you're not really my dad anyways, but I don't know. It's still nice just seeing you even if it's not really you. So as you say that he takes out a spectra football and he like gives you like he puts his arm back as if to like Taylor's just fucking pumped out of his fucking. Yeah, it's just like fucking clapping like.

I'm about to do it. I'm like, oh, you got me the first time. That hug didn't work. And he shrugs and tosses it. And then George Washington catches it out of the air and then throws it to one of his slaves. So I'm sitting there and I'm watching. I'm like, Coach Taylor, George Washington, and my dad are playing ghost football. Yes. And then he throws it to a slave. Yeah.

So I'm like super enjoying this. And then I see that. But then I see that and I just get up and I just walk out the door and close it behind me. And I walk, I walk inside George Washington from your team. Yeah. I knock on the wall and I, and I try to wake up Henry Darryl. What is, what time is it? What's up? You okay? Yeah. No, I just, I don't know. I just need to say this. I don't know. I think George Washington is off my team.

Don't worry about it. Just go to bed. Thanks, man. Okay. Dude, that was the entire snarling id of the American masculine psyche in one image. It was like football, George Washington, your dad, and the sort of Damocles that is slavery. Man, that was a lot.

Okay, so you all go to sleep. Oh my God. As you are used to, but maybe have taken for granted every time you fall asleep, once again, you are in the realms of what you now know to be three of the four of your fathers. And they go like, ah, taking a rest, I see. Oh man. Oh yeah, big surprise. We fucking go to sleep. Wow, you're so smart. No, no. So Willie goes like, oh, somebody's irritated. Somebody's irritated. Yeah. Maybe I found out that some of our founding fathers aren't exactly the people I thought they were. Glenn is stripping naked and doing obscene things.

In front of your dad? So Bill Close is like, whoa, whoa, tiger. What? Why? Why? Why? And looking away. Are we? Are we? Even if we're not, we were talking. What are you doing? I don't care. These guys suck. I don't believe that any of them are real dad. My real dad sucked and I never need to talk to him again so this dad can look at my butthole. Snagging.

Look at his butthole, Dad. Episode title. Bill's like, what? It's a dream world. Nothing matters. Bill looks at your butthole and he goes, I'm your dad. I don't know what to tell you, Lenny. Ben tries really hard to poop. Ew. Ew.

Yeah, Anthony, now what? Bring it, motherfucker. So, just in case, if you want to just ignore them and go back to sleep, you can, but if there's any other questions you wanted to ask them or anything... Glenn, you can go back to sleep if you want. Glenn, you can go back to sleep if you don't... Yeah, whatever. Whatever, I just walk backwards flipping the bird and I moonwalk out of this fucking scene. Okay. Okay.

So the remaining three of you. I just wish you guys could get lost. Willie says, you're not going to talk us out of this. If there's anything you wanted to know that would make this a little bit more clear to you so you understand why this is all going to happen to you. Because I'm going to be straight with you. These guys, they want to spare you. I'm kind of over it. Father. What, Ron? If you raised Terry Jr. as your own, would you love him? Yeah, sure. Do you love me? You wake up.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

Benjamin

Believe it or not, there's only one person with just that, Benjamin. So congratulations, Benjamin. And Dungeon Master Titus the Cursed. We hope you've enjoyed this episode. And what up to all the people listening and reacting to this episode live in our Discord. This is something that we just started doing. All of our Patreon supporters can join us on episode release day to listen and react alongside with us. And that is on top of all kinds of bonus content like our after show Talking Dad and early access to merch. If you want to join us, that's patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads.

Speaking of merch, we're going to be going live on the store with a sticker pack soon. There's a Stampler bumper sticker, a Measure Once Cut Twice sticker, a Scam Likely sticker, a Dad's Don't Do Other Dads Dirty sticker, and a very upsetting BDSM banana sticker. So keep your eyes peeled for that. Get it? Banana? Peeled? Ha ha!

Patreon supporters, don't have to wait as long. You're going to have early access to this merch probably by this week. That's going to be on our website, dungeonsanddaddies.com. Twitter.com slash dungeonsanddads is the Twitter. Bit.ly slash dungeon dads is the Facebook group. The next episode is coming at you April 14th. So we will see you then. Bye, everyone. There was a time you need between to know they never brought you

And the smoke from Chekhov's gun. So, A, mark that you have one less bullet in Chekhov's gun. Mm-hmm. And B, I said one and B. And two, the smoke that comes... The funniest letter. Yeah. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

Dungeons and Dimes is brought to you this week by Blue Nile. Blue Nile. You saw me standing alone. Blue Nile. Dulcet tones over there. The road to getting engaged can be long and full of memories or can be short and thrilling or anything in between. But the road to finding the perfect engagement ring, straightforward path. As the Nazgul flies. Doesn't...

All you got to do is head over to BlueNile.com. On BlueNile.com, you can get a bigger, more brilliant piece than you can imagine at a price you won't find at a traditional jeweler. Blue Nile's the original online jeweler since 1999. Dog since Pets.com, dude. The Pets era. Since the Pets.com era. But they survived because they were committed to ensuring. You know why? Because Blue Nile wasn't out there posting up Super Bowl ads, burning through all their liquid capital. They're too busy ensuring that the highest ethical standards are observed when sourcing diamonds and jewelry.

Their diamond price guarantee means that in most cases they can meet or beat a competitor's price on a comparable diamond. Every Blue Nile order is insured and arrives in packaging that won't give away what's inside. And in most cases it can be delivered overnight. Blue Nile offers a 100% satisfaction guarantee with guaranteed free shipping and returns so you can make sure your ring is the one ring. Here's how you know they're killers over at Blue Nile.

They started in 1999, one of the greatest years in video game history of all time. And they were able to focus and make a company while games like Heroes of Might and Magic 3, System Shock 2, Final Fantasy 8, Age of Empires Dose, dude. All these games were coming out and they were still made. Tony Hawk's Pro Skater Beth...

It was coming out that year. Okay, now I'm interested. Because you want that love to last forever. Unlike video games, you get guaranteed service. Like my love of EverQuest and Driver. And Repair. Which came out in 1999. For life. The greatest year of my life. Right now, get 30% off select lab-grown diamonds at BlueNile.com. Plus, use code DUNGEONS to get $50 off your engagement ring purchase of $500 or more. That's $50 off with code DUNGEONS at BlueNile.com. BlueNile.com. Planescape Torment. That game rules.

Dungeons and Dragons is brought to you this week by Bespoke Post. Hey, Summer. Bespoke, my heart. I fucking love Bespoke Post. Bespoke. It's summertime. And they got a new premium lineup of Box of Awesome Collection. Oh, my God. Okay, so, like, you know in Dune they have the Box of Pain? Yeah. That's, like, the opposite.

of the Box of Awesome. Thank God. I put my hand in and what do I get? You get pleasure. Whether you want to drink or eat more awesome, dress and travel more awesome, or explore more awesome, the Box of Awesome has it covered. Go to boxofawesome.com. Take that quiz. Your answers help them pick the right Box of Awesome for you. Free to join. New items every month. The only quiz you can't fail. Matt!

to what's your favorite peaceful post dude hey can i tell you about the one i just got bro i just got a whiskey nosing kit it's like you could burn stuff and get your nose up to date with whiskey dude i got i didn't just get a gift i got an opportunity they gave me the reason finally a reason to buy two

fucking watches because I got, check this out, I got a little drawer that's got two little poles on it to hold watches and then an acrylic cover to protect those watches. The mahogany. And I got it. I was like, this is the most beautiful fucking thing I've ever seen. I don't have watches, but I need watches. Was it in black or mahogany, Brian? It was, it was,

It was mahogany. You got the mahogany drop. And that fucking decided what sort of watches I bought. And I don't want to say how much I spent on watches, but it was thousands. But it was fucking worth it to make this beautiful case. The display case, dude. You can't have that case and not let it fucking do what it was born to do. You can't let that beautiful fucking piece of boutique furniture just sit there on your fucking counter without watches on it. My God.

It's incredible. I don't think I'll ever wear those watches, but I'm looking at them every day. When you become a member, you have access to stellar discounts across a plethora of products. We're talking about 30% off or more sometimes. Plus, with each Box of Awesome, you're supporting small businesses. 90% of everything that comes in your Box of Awesome is from a small up-and-coming brand. Free to sign up, skip a month, or cancel any time. Get 15% off your first box when you sign up at BoxOfAwesome.com and enter the code DUNGEONS at checkout. That's BoxOfAwesome.com, code DUNGEONS for 15% off your first box. BoxOfAwesome.com, code DUNGEONS.

They say opposites attract. That's why the Sleep Number Smart Bed is the best bed for couples. You like a bed that feels firm, but they want soft?

Sleep Number does that. You want to sleep cooler while they like to feel warm? Sleep Number does that too. J.D. Power ranks Sleep Number number one in customer satisfaction with mattresses purchased in-store. And now, during Sleep Number's biggest sale of the year, save 50% on the Sleep Number limited edition smart bed, plus special financing for a limited time. For J.D. Power 2023 award information, visit jdpower.com slash awards. Only at a Sleep Number store or sleepnumber.com.

See store for details.