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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Hello, and are you looking to be an intern for four dads? My name is Ron F. Stampler, CEO, CFO, CQD, SOS, ETC of Stampler Business, and we are looking for our sons.
We're also looking for an unpaid intern to start immediately, right now. Are you an enthusiastic rock star who loves to have fun but loves to get coffee even more? Are you alive, physically fit with thick skin and able to take criticism and yelling and screaming and sometimes murder but not always and sometimes there's curse words and we talk about sex?
We have just the job for you. Or should we say internship? That's right. You're getting paid an experience, the pleasure of our company, and a chance to get a foot in the door in an industry where you are not valued and considered replaceable. We did a bad thing with a town and a pyramid, and now we're looking to explore that pyramid and vanquish the evil within so that we can hire mercenaries that cost actual money
Instead of you, potential intern candidate, we get into extremely long, boring arguments, which is why we need an intern to do the things we need to do while we're arguing about whether to do them. This internship requires a master's degree and seven years of electrical engineering experience. This is an entry-level position with competitive pay. We're competing to see how much you'll work for no money.
or also super rich and you aren't lol please submit a resume and a cover letter we don't have a printer so just come tell us are you ready to be called daddy then hop aboard the revenge of the mummy the ride and take part in this incredible opportunity
Welcome, folks, and Happy New Year. Welcome back to Dungeons & Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Actually, a Dungeons & Dragons podcast, a story about four dads from our world who are flung into the Forgotten Realms in a quest to rescue their lost sons. I almost forgot that. It's been that long since we recorded. My name is Freddie Wong, and I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bard dad of the group. And Glenn's cool fact is...
Cool dad fact is this. You would expect... They're cool facts now, not dad facts. 2020, new year, baby. It's 2020. New year, new us. You would expect Glenn, a guy who's been on the road, to recognize the mummy ride, either in the LA or the Florida incarnation. And the fact is, Glenn is a big theme park junkie. But the truth is...
Glenn only goes for Disney, baby. Glenn's a hardcore Disney. He's got Disney pins. He goes to Disney World every chance he gets. They always got to stop off in Orlando and refuses. Is he an AP holder? Oh, yeah. AP holder's got the mouse on the... It's crazy that he's so anti-government and doesn't realize that Disney is basically... Anti-government, pro-corporate. It makes him charming now. It's like he's got his blind spot because he just loves Mickey Mouse so much. He refuses to go to that Harry Potter land. That's some bullshit knockoff crap. I would have...
I would never put money on Glenn Close being pro-Universal fuck Disney. Like, that seems like so fast in the Furious rides, King Kong. Nah. Cheap crap. And that's Glenn's ad fact. Hi, my name is Matt Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who's a barbarian once he enters the Forgotten Realms.
What? He was a barbarian before. He just didn't know. It's just all these subtle changes to like Freddy saying cool dad and you adding when he goes to the Forgotten Realms. No, Matt says it all the time. He's like a barbarian now in the Forgotten Realms. Yeah, I just shifted it. Maybe I just spent so long since I've done it, I don't remember what anyone else does. I actually don't recognize anything. I know. What is this?
A little dad fact about Daryl, a little bit also about the theme parks, but one of the first things that Daryl connected with Grant, who's a big video game player, is that he saw that he was playing theme park and he was like, oh, if you like those stupid, like if you like that on the computer, let's go to a real one. And Grant and Daryl love roller coasters. That's like their thing. They're like big roller coaster nerds.
But the first time Grant went on a roller coaster, he loved it. But he's got a little weak stomach. So he threw up all over himself and he was so embarrassed. Daryl went into the stall and also just pretended to throw up. That's very cute. And now he does that all the time. So Grant always throws up or gets a sick stomach and Grant and Daryl always has to keep pretending that he also has a sick stomach. But no.
Daryl's stomach is hard as a rock. Nothing upsets Daryl's stomach. That's super cute. Hey, everyone. My name is Will Campos. I play Henry Oak, the crunchy, munchy, granola, munching, hippie, Birkenstock rockin' nature druid dad. Nice. You got it. Who turns into a druid when he goes to the... I see that without a teleprompter. That was impressive.
I'm very excited about this fun fact. Fun fact about Henry this week. What is a fun fact now? Oh my God. Dad fact about Henry this week. Like Ron, Henry's favorite musical is Cats.
Good to see the representation. No, I know where this is going. I hate this. Not the musical cats. Just the music that cats make. Oh, God. He just loves hearing there's an alley cat that lives nearby who sings his mournful tune. And Henry always imagines him serenading some lost love. And it's his favorite musical. Isn't that the cool little cat screaming? I want fuck. I want fuck.
It's the language. It's the romance of nature. There's no more beautifully expressed than that. Will, come over to my house and listen to my stupid cat just like, ah, for like ever. I do have an addendum to the dad fact, which is that Henry's never been to the musical Cats, but he has been to Larkin Sparrow's parody of Cats called Nads, which they did for the fifth grade talent show and earned a suspension. Most...
Most of the lyrics have to do with Jellicle sounding like testicle. Scrotum tugger is a curious sack. Oh, man. That's good. You got that locked, cocked, and ready to go. They go to the spermicide layer at the end. Yes. Very good. Wow. Good job. I had a month to work on that. That's true. Hi.
My name is Beth May, and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. A dad fact about Ron that is neither cool nor fun is that every year for a New Year's resolution, Ron and Samantha try to buddy up, which is essentially the same thing as saying that Ron says that his resolution is whatever Samantha says her resolution is.
So this year's resolution, since Samantha's kind of caught on to Ron's MO here, is that Samantha, therefore Ron, decided they were going to be kinder in the new year, practice more kindness. And in order to do that, Ron went to Hallmark and bought a big stack of greeting cards. And that's all he's done so far.
Where are the greeting cards? Are they just sitting at home, or did he bring any with him on the Forgotten Realms journey? I think they're just probably sitting at home. I don't think the package is off them or anything. Ha ha ha!
I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. And, uh... Hey, Dad. I missed you during the holidays. Where were you? Where were you at Christmas, Dad? You didn't call. I was at home enjoying myself, enjoying the silence. Didn't have to wrangle a bunch of rowdy boys. My dad fact is that this is now officially an award-winning podcast. Hey! Opa! Because the Audioverse Awards awarded us, uh, for... Well, they awarded me. Yeah! Yeah!
Best player direction of a new production, which is A, the first time I've ever won an award that actually was based on my own merits, and B, is just wrong. It's about player direction, of which I have done almost none whatsoever. But thanks for that. That's nice. Did anybody else win? I mean, the whole podcast won as well, I believe. Did the podcast win something else, or was it just your award? Literally, Freddie only sent me the one about me. He didn't send me the other one. Woo!
I didn't know that. I assumed if the podcast had won something, you would have sent me that too, but you only sent me that one. That is a very Freddie move. Oh my God. Oh man. How is that a Freddie move? Okay. Well, we did actually. I'm glad it didn't blow back on me. I'm glad it's a Freddie thing. We also got a best new improvised production. Wow. That's great. Along with some other very cool folks. So thanks, Audioverse Awards. Yeah. And like if that and if Joker wins best picture, it's just like good choices all around. Like, oh,
season really coming in fresh. I'll tell you what this podcast wouldn't win which is the Dutch Danish cultural sensitivity award. We just got a quick address this one because we saw that one. Y'all look the same. Sorry. So to be clear the little Danish boys actually probably a little more Dutch because the Danish is able skivers and they have more of like a
cough sound. He must have been so excited to get in on that internet outrage. He must have gone on the alarm like, somebody finally did something. Somebody's finally on turn. Go, go, go. I kind of feel bad because I looked for examples of what a Danish accent sounds like. I'm like, well, how different was it? And it sounds just like a pretty normal, like it does not sound like an accent. It sounds just like a slightly British, slightly Germanic. They're not fucking freaks like the Dutch. They're weird voices. Dude, the Dutch are freaky, man. Welcome to 2020. Everybody who doesn't have an American accent from California sounds freaky.
Fucking horrific. So Anthony, just right now, do you want to keep it as a Danish boy? In which case you need a little bit of a less lilting Scandinavian accent and a low and free jaw. Sex caliber as a Dutch boy now. Don't change his voice. That's for sure. Don't sound down about being Dutch. It took me all year to come up with two new accents. I crammed them into the same episode like a fucking rube.
The last time we left you, last decade, the... Oh, there you go. That's a dad joke. That's a dad joke, yeah. You'd finally gone into the pyramid and found out that it was the Revenge of the Mummy ride from Universal Studios Hollywood. Glenn spits on the ground. Is this a Universal Studios ride? Ugh.
You were basically going in there to take care of the mummy lord that was inside in exchange for Boreanaz agreeing to let you buy more mercenaries for your assault on Barovia. You'd seen on the outside a sign with some of the letters missing on the left and right ends of the words. You realize that's Revenge of the Mummy, the ride. And inside you found a sign with every third letter missing that ended up spelling, this is a high-speed roller coaster with dramatic acceleration climbing speed.
uh, Ellen, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. And backwards motion persons with the following conditions should not ride has car. And there was a bunch of stuff. It was the biggest mistake I ever made. And a lot of mistakes that I've made as a podcast host. So as you're looking at this car full of seats, essentially, uh, the front of the line, we fast pass. Yeah. You fast pass there. You decided to come back. I do want to add that when the second Henry puts it together, he staggers back and he says, my God, this can't be, this is impossible. Uh,
The revenge of the mummy ride in Universal Studios isn't a pyramid on the outside. The Forgotten Moms does weird stuff to things. It must be some sort of magic. This is crazy, guys. There's a roller coaster in here. Have you guys been on this? No. No. This is not even like a level one hurler. Like, not even Grand Throats up on this guy. It's okay. We could go on it, though. It's not a scary ride? No.
No, the best part is it's a little scary. There's like some bugs and some like air spray. What do you mean? Like, like little fake bugs. Like they make you think there's some bugs on it. Okay. Um, how tall do you have to be? Uh, about like four feet. Now see, I don't, I've, I've never been on a roller coaster and I don't take the boys. You've not been on a single roller coaster. I don't take, I don't, you know, because of the whole capitalism thing. And you know, for me, I don't buy things. Me, me and the boys. Where do you live, Henry? I live,
You know, I understand that I have to participate in society, but, you know, there's just some things like, you know, to me, my favorite roller coaster is rolling down a hill, you know? So that's what I do with the boys. I don't really think Larkin Sparrow and high-speed machinery should be in the same room either.
So this is like some, but I don't understand. It's from our world. It must have come here like we did. So as you're saying that, a wall illuminates in front of you and you see a not too great circa like 2005 CG face come out of a bunch of sand and it says, Serve me and savor the riches of eternal life.
And then this chariot of seats just zooms into the darkness, essentially. Oh, my God. That's pretty cool, guys. They actually do different ones. There's three faces. And even though it seems like you're going a different direction, it's always the same. But, like, it feels like it's different every time. Hold on. Hold on. Sorry. Glenn Close, Disney file here, stepping in.
I think you're confusing Revenge of the Mind with a Ride with the Indiana Jones ride, which has a rotating chamber of three separate rooms, which hasn't worked since about like the mid-2000s. So you're always stuck on the middle route in. But originally when the ride came out, it made it so that when you got into that section around the corner, the entire room, man, would rotate depending and give you three different options. So it felt like you were doing something different every single time.
Also, did you know that the end of the ride, you actually don't go back? And then you hear some roller coaster ass noises in the darkness, and then the ride comes back to a stop, back where it was. Wait, guys, was this the same car? We should mark it somehow. Let's put something on the car. I have an idea. Ron? Yeah. I'm sorry. It looks...
I don't think I'm actually four feet. I think I'm five foot four. And if you're only allowed to be four feet to ride the roller coaster, then I clearly can't ride the roller coaster. I have to stay here. Ron, here's what I was going to suggest. Okay. Just to make sure that the ride is safe. Why don't we put one of your frogs? That's what I was thinking too. I think that the frogs together are four foot tall and that they could ride the roller coaster.
Maybe instead of just a frock, we like put something kind of like human size, like a test dummy type thing. That's a good idea. See if there's any decapitations or like... Glenn slowly raises a finger and points to intern dog. No, no, no, not a person. What do you mean? But like, you know, some clothes and like, hey, you know, just put some stuff together. I don't mean to be crass, but there's got to be like a spare corpse in this town somewhere, right?
we could put on the ride just to see what happens? Can you get us a spare corpse, Doug? Can you get us like four coffees and like a spare corpse? Yeah, how do you want that corpse? Um, you know, not quite rigor mortis. Intact, six foot two. Six, all right, let me go find one. Who's the tallest here? Henry's probably like 5'8".
Glenn's probably like a good average 5'8". All right, they're all 6'. So we'll say, yeah, 6'2", just to make sure, like, yeah, if anything gets the top of the head off. All right, I'll be right back. So he leaves, and within 15 seconds comes back with a fresh bleeding corpse with the top of its forehead sawn off. He goes, I found a guy that was like 6'4", but I made do. Was he, um...
I love the enthusiasm, but was this guy alive when you found him? So where do you want me to put him? Do you want him in the front seat? Okay, cool. Could you put his hands up so he could be like, woo? Yeah, no problem. I mean, if we wait long enough, Rigor Mortis will set in and they'll stay there if you want to test for like his hands getting taken off or whatever. Guys, can we do a quick dad huddle? Dad huddle. Hey guys, this is coming up on the performance review. I love this Doug guy, man. I think he killed a man. I'm not
nah. You know, I've had enough ethical quandaries and crises for one day, so I'm just going to assume that that man just died his own way, and then I'm going to stuff all my feelings down about it for a while. So that's how I'm planning on handling this one. Okay, I'm okay with that. We can do that for right now. I love that Henry's character arc is like, I don't want to argue about what's right or wrong because it's uncomfortable.
You mean the character arc we all have as human beings? Henry's going to pick his battles on this one or we're going to be here all week. My question is, if he's 6'3 now with half of his head cut off, I mean, 6'2, I mean, that guy could have been a pretty tall guy. That's just something to say. You're right, Ron. He could have been a lot of things. Yeah.
A father, a husband. Strap him in. Oh, make sure we do the- So Doug straps him in and- Lowers the restraint bar. Does he have to do the check thing where he's like pushing on the bar? Yeah, he does the jiggering of the bar, whatever. He's like, we're good, and points to no one. He gets a thumbs up. He points to like a console that has buttons on it, but there's nobody there.
And then the face comes out, says the whole lines again. Now, is that this Vin Diesel I've been hearing so much about? And then the coaster zooms off, and then you hear all the noises. And when it comes back, you can see that the corpse is fucking thrilled and ready to buy some teachers. On your way, whenever you guys leave on your way out, you're going to see a picture of the corpse that you can buy in the gift shop.
But no, he is made of stone. He comes back and he's not flesh anymore. He's stone. Hey, if we had all gone on that ride, the podcast would have been over. So there is a console, like I mentioned before, with some buttons on it that looks like it's probably not been used in a while. Sounds like my Wii U, am I right? LAUGHTER
Fuck. That joke's like four years old. That's really good. No, that's like that perfect sweet spot of how a year and a half, two years ago, it was funny to say my wife from Borat. You fucking found it for Wii U. Holy shit. So yeah, maybe there's that console there if you wanted to investigate it and see if there's... Let's investigate the console. Okay. So in there, you see written in hieroglyphics that only Doug can translate...
So he picks it up and he reads it to you and he says, okay, so, so it's not, it's not a console from revenge of the mummy. The ride. No, the console is from the range of the mummy, but inside the console, there is a parchment with some like hieroglyphs on it that he goes like, Oh, I can read this. I can read this. Does it then have it like in French and German and like, yeah, exactly. Yeah. So it goes, okay. So it looks like, it looks like it's like directions or a warning or something. Yeah. Okay. So there's three. So the first one is phrase of the mummy.
Second one is Risk of the Mummy.
And the third one is Bite of the Mummy. Bite of the Mummy. Phrase of the Mummy. Bite of the Mummy. I like that. That's my band. I mean, maybe there's three. Like I was saying, I think there are three. Are there like three heads? No, there's only the one head. Unfortunately, Glenn was correct and you're thinking of Indiana Jones. But there are several phases to the Mummy roller coaster. I want to investigate the button on the console and see if there's anything that stands out as like a way of maybe even like...
pausing the ride or turning the lights on, that sort of thing. They usually will have those for emergencies. Okay, why don't you roll...
It's 2020, which means it's the first time we get to have this conversation again of fuck, what is the difference between investigation and perception? But whichever one of those you feel... It would be investigation, I think. But I'd like a bonus for my Disney knowledge and watching all of the YouTube videos of all the different Disney ride videos. This is a Disney. You hate Universal. You get disadvantaged. It's true, you're right. So the first one was 18 plus 2, which was a 20. The second one is 11 plus 2, which is a 13. Okay, so 13 is not going to be enough to notice anything of you. Shut the fuck up.
Had to be at least 15. You shouldn't have been a Disney boy. So I'm going to go look at the button and investigate it. Okay, you can roll without advantage or disadvantage. I've never been to any theme park. Then you should definitely have disadvantage. I mean, yes, I have. Nope, too late. Damage done. Oh, I got a natural 20. Yeah, roll again.
Doesn't matter. This is tough. Rolled again. Just a fucking throw in his face. That is a seven. Yeah, nah. You guys have never been to this roller coaster? Let me show you what's up. Let me take a look and then I go investigate with my extreme knowledge. It breaks after Beth looks at it. You gotta just all keep stacking your rolls. If you have four chances Wait, we broke the console? Yeah. I want to investigate the ruins of the console.
Why did it break? Go ahead and investigate with advantage now that it's broken. Hope the ride doesn't break that easily. That's good because that was a one. I got a 12.
All right. So can we just press buttons? Can we just press buttons on it? Wait, I mean, it's broken now, so who cares? Oh, okay. So the ride won't work at all? Dude, Anthony fixed D&D. No, no, the ride works. So as you're having this conversation, the ride again resets. The body comes back. It's the same cart. It's still got the body on it. So you're seeing that whatever is keeping it running, it's not technology. This coaster console has nothing to do seemingly with the fact that this is still running. Hmm.
Hey, Henry, you've been doing some magic lately. Do we have any way? It'd be good when we send that corpse back through. I don't know. Can we see through the eyes of anybody? You know what we could do is I have my phone. What?
Like we could record a video. There we go. That's very interesting. Yeah. All right. All right. Make sure you put the, make sure you put the flashlight on. Okay. I'm going to put the flashlight on. It's great. Cause he's rigor mortis in this. So he's holding a phone. That's very funny. I'm going to put the flashlight on and I'm going to give one of you Mercedes. Oh, Garcia's phone number. Uh, don't go. You miss using it. I'll take that phone number. Just feeding those fucking fans.
Just drizzling it on my job. All right, Daryl, here's a Mercedes phone number. 555. 555, fake, fake, fake, fake, fake, fake. 69, 69. 69, 69, nice. Now, this is an iPhone 3, so it technically has video and a flashlight. Okay, so you're going to have to roll to see if your phone's battery lasts. You have to get above a 4.
I got a natural one. Your phone is dead. Oh, beans. Oh, wow. I'm glad I gave you a Mercedes number. Your phone dies in your hand. Glenn, how about your phone? My phone died too, man. The only phones remaining are Ron's and Daryl's. And Daryl's is an Nokia that doesn't have a camera. Okay, before we go off using my phone, I just want to talk to the corpse guy and see if I can like investigate him as a person, but then also just sort of get a sense of what happened to him, what he's seen. Hi. Good ride, huh?
Okay, yeah, I'll put my phone on this thing. Okay, so roll above a six. Oh, God. Oh, no, it's getting real.
All right. So your phone still works. Next time you're gonna have to beat a seven. What phone do you have better than an iPhone three? I'll say I have an iPhone four. I feel like Ron has a Nokia N gauge that he thinks is a phone. Ron has a game boy. Yeah. He's a game boy caller with a phone card attached to it. No, I think he has like an iPhone four R. Okay, cool. Uh,
All right. Well, then, yeah. So if you want to... Hit record. Hit record. Okay. I'm going to take a quick selfie of us real quick. Throw up the peace sign. Say, Mommy. Mommy. Okay. So Doug's in the back and he's like throwing up very offensive gang signs. You don't know any gangs here, but you can tell he shouldn't have done that.
Okay, so then I put the phone in the... Strong grip. In the strong rigor mortis-sized grip. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's made of stone now. Okay, cool. The coaster goes into the darkness. It comes... Shit, I just realized what's going to happen. Yeah, the phone's going to be stoned. Fucking idiot. Yeah. We were so clever for a second.
Yeah. The phone comes back and now the phone is also a stone. So you lost the phone. Son of a bitch. So we have one phone. Oh no, Ron, it looks like your phone bricks. Um,
But I will say... Wait, wait, wait. That was the first adjunct of 2020. Oh, yeah. Bring in the new year with some damage, guys. Everybody take a D4 damage. Four damage. Fuck you, Will. Four damage. Shall old acquaintance be forgot and roll psychic damage?
Wow. That's the most lethal dad joke we've ever had. 2020 is off to a good start. World War III now this. Achievement unlocked. All right, dads. Okay, so I will say. Play of the game. Because you had a cool idea with the phone. When it comes back, you can see frozen, like somebody chiseled it into the screen. Which scene is it? Is it Olaf when he comes to life? I hate you so much for saying that.
You see it chiseled into the screen of the X iPhone. It took a picture of something like words hovering in the air. The first word is death. And then there are four blanks after it. So that was the last thing this thing saw before it got petrified. Blank, blank, blank, blank, blank, blank.
Death blank, blank, blank, blank. Okay, so the first thing was phrase of the mummy. And then assuming that these are corpses and like a phone, I bet you they weren't able to say it. It feels like you got to say something. To not be stoned. To not be stoned, yeah. Oh, it's like you got to go. The phrase. This is a tricky one, guys. I'm all for solving puzzles, but right now it seems like the only options to kind of go on that thing. But like, you know. Close our eyes. So the risk is.
It's real risky, guys. I'm not going to send them. We're going to have a stone Doug on our hands. He did murder a man. Doug, you murdered that man, right? No, he didn't. He found him like that. Doug, don't answer that question. Doug found a man and he was missing the top of his head. Doug's eyes are just very big and he's looking at Daryl and he's nodding slowly.
Okay, well, what are common phrases that start with death and end with four blanks? Death becomes hers. Starring Meryl Streep. That's what I was thinking, too. Meryl Streep. What is that name? I'll tell you the number of letters in each of them. How about that? Okay. Oh, okay. So the first blank is two letters. So it's death. Beep, beep. The second blank is four letters. Death is only the beginning.
Oh shit. That's my gut. That's what I'm thinking. The third blank is three letters. Fucking. And the last blank is however many letters the word beginning is.
I'm really good at escape rooms, guys. Anybody who wants to do an escape room with Freddy, just let me know. Freddy kills escape rooms. He doesn't by himself oftentimes because he likes to see other designs. It's phrase. So yeah, you probably have to see it. I like where your head's at, Glenn. I think it's like you have to see the phrase. What were the other ones? What did it say? It was the Risk of the Mummy and the Bite of the Mummy. You know, I should say that Disney Imagineering would never let such sloppy ride design come out to public, but you know. Risk of the Mummy, Bite of the Mummy. All right, guys. I think we just got going strapping. I'm ready to ride.
We're going to have to think quick. We're going to have to be on our feet. Are we just going to yell death is only the beginning? We'll say death is only the beginning. And that's got to be the one that turns you into stone because the man who happens to be dead, who we found dead, he can't talk. So that's probably what happened, right? Doug, you want to come with us? Doug, you're coming with us, man. All right. If you're going to come anyways, we could always do it once with you. All right.
Why don't you go on and give it a shot? You want me to go first? I'm just saying he's going to do it anyways. Why don't you roll persuasion? I mean, if he doesn't go, then, you know, like you guys have an even number on the coaster. That's great. You guys could go with four people. I got a 14. Why don't you roll with advantage since you're his boss and he's an intern? Oh. That's a 19. Okay. So he goes, yeah, it sounds good.
I really feel like it's me. But you can't go anyways, right? That's what I'm saying. And he knows the phrase. All right. All right, I'll see you guys in a bit, I guess. Hey, look, he's all our interns. We don't have to do that. I'm just offering. Wait, wait, wait, wait, but we don't know what the other traps are. There's three things, right? I think we all have a better chance of making it through this thing if we work together. I just want you to tell Benedict Cabbage Patch that I would have gone. I just want that on the record. Oh, we definitely will. Yeah, no, for sure. You can use us as a reference. Okay, thank you. That's all I want.
I'm scared we're going to die. Glenn is itching to get on because secretly he's a big Disney fan, but also he wants to see taste the forbidden fruit of a Universal Studios ride. And this might be the only chance he can justify doing it. Okay, here's what we're going to do. If it looks like we're all going to die, Daryl, you pull out that orb and we all hold on to you and then we teleport to Grant. Oh, fuck.
I like that Henry. Good thinking. Good thinking. I pull the orb out and I hold it and I make the sign of the cross. I'm like, let's do this thing. Real quick, how does the orb work again? It's just that the orb works when you activate it. Anybody touching it teleports to where the other orb is. So you would go to wherever the hell
grants or is activated by saying you activate it by going into the game and talking to the dm and saying you activate it yeah okay all right so y'all get in all right i mean i it looks like it looks like look two up here two up in those seats and then two behind those seats you know there's no there's really no room thanks sorry ron i'm just saying that i'm looking at the revenge of the mummy ride does look like it holds 16 people yeah 16 people per coaster
Okay. Four rows of four. Hey, Ron, but you can sit between us. It'll be right in the center. That's the safest spot. Okay, cool, cool. All right. Does Ron get nauseous or does Ron just get scared? I think Ron just gets scared. Okay.
Because otherwise I was going to have you roll constitution saving throws all the time to stop vomiting. Ron, it's okay. We all get scared and we're all scared right now. You know, this is a pretty scary thing we're doing. You know, it's, you know, I'm not scared. I'm a man. I'm a manly man. I'm really excited about this roller coaster. We Glenn sits down and crosses his arms and be like, let's just see what the so-called imagineers at universal got with it. They're already put a finger on the orb here.
Including you, Doug, I guess. Doug's behind us, like, definitely. So he's, like, stretching over. Yeah, he's stretching over to touch the thing. All right. Y'all buckled in? Yes. You check your thingies? I'm chanting death is only the beginning. Death is only the beginning. Death is only the beginning. So the coaster speeds off. Ron starts screaming immediately. And it's not just screaming. It's like...
Beth backing away from the microphone had no effect on blowing it out. And the music from the Stephen Sommers classic Blockbuster The Mummy starts playing in the speakers in the seat back behind you. And Ron, you're going to feel air, but it's not real arrows. There's somebody airing on me. There's air on me.
They're not real arrows. Don't worry. Okay. So you come and then the... Hell yeah, we do. Yeah, you come. So you're zooming left and right and taking corkscrews and really like, as far as indoor coasters go, it's not a bad one. And then all of a sudden it comes to a sudden stop and you see a very large stone snake exit from the wall and you hear a voice say, Speak the phrase of the mummy.
And you've been chanting death is only the beginning. Death is only the beginning. Literally, it can't even get out of the sentence, speak the phrase of the money, because by the time it says speak the phrase, you said death is only the beginning. He goes, yeah. And recedes back into the walls. And the roller coaster once again speeds forward and does a loop. Actually, there's no loop. There's no loops. It's not accurate. No, universal rides suck, so there's no loop. And does some cool twists and turns and stuff. And it once again stops.
and you see nothing at first, just total darkness. But then on the left side of the coaster,
A spotlight hits a hole in the wall that looks to be big enough for your arm. A voice says, will you take the risk of the mummy? And inside the hole, if one of you would like to roll a perception check, maybe you'll see what's inside. In my head, I was on the left side of the coaster since I said Ron could sit in the middle. So I feel like I'm right next to it. Glenn is actually taking notes about all the things he would change in the ride. So he's actually like, oh, okay, hold on. I got 18. So with an 18, you can see that inside is a shield.
If anybody would like to, roll Arcana. Ooh, okay. All right. 11 total. Shit, you and I rolled another 18. I got 19 total. Whoa. I got a 17. Everybody but Glenn can tell that there's... Because he's taking notes about how the... Because Venus can tell that there is something magical about this shield. But with your 18 perception, you can also see some snakes in that same hole. You know...
Do we feel like it's going to kill us if we don't do it? Is that the risk? It's the risk. We got to take a risk, right? I don't want to die. I shove my arm in. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What are your runs idea first? It's too late. He did it immediately. Your meaty arm going inside the snakes like and sink their fangs into you. So roll three separate constitution saving throws. Try to beat an 11 on your constitution saving throws.
I got a pretty good constitution, guys. Yeah, you're a beefy boy. You're the perfect person for this to happen to. 2019, because I got a plus three. And then that was a 15, 18. 2019, 18. You succeed at your constitution saving throw, which means you only take half damage. So each of those snakes does 3d6 poison damage. So you're going to roll 9d6 poison damage and have that. And that's how much damage you take. Jesus.
I got 29. You took 14 HP of damage. So you have been poisoned. Poison means that you have disadvantage on all combat and ability checks until you get it cured or take a long enough rest for it to go away. You now have the Shield of Protection by Jake Nolan. Would have been useful a couple seconds ago. Yeah. So this was sent in by Jake Nolan. Thank you, Jake. Thanks, Jake. You can tell there's some magic...
in it, but you're going to have to beat a DC 20 arcana check to find out what that magic is. Or you can just
Put it on. Guys, I took the risk and I got the shield. You're looking a little peaky there, Daryl. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm poisoned. I'm feeling pretty sick. Suck the venom out. No, I can't hear. I put my arm out in front of him. Henry, suck the venom out. I put my arm out in front of Ron. Well, Ron's right next to me. Okay, yeah, I try to suck it out. All right, go ahead and roll Constitution to see if you also get poisoned. Because that's not a real thing you should do in real life. If you get bitten.
Wait, really? Yeah, you shouldn't do it. 13. So what's your modifier? Is there a plus something on it? Yeah, plus one. Plus one. Okay, so it's 14. No. You don't take the damage, but you are now poisoned. So you have disadvantage on combat. Guys, that reminds me. I took a survival wilderness course, and you're not supposed to suck the poison out of someone's. Oh, you did it. Oh, sorry. I'm in front of them, so I can't see what they're doing. What do you do with poison, Henry?
You get poisoned. Unfortunately, like I didn't have any spells prepped for this. Like, you know, that's like what your liver's for, man. Yeah. So, you know, just, you know, you're going to be poisoned for a little bit. It doesn't seem like usually like really bad snake bites. Like if it's going to kill you, I think by now you'd be in a lot worse shape. So I think you should be okay. Hey, so I'm getting like a big old magic sort of vibe from the shield. And like, I feel like I did my part. I took that risk. I put my arm in there before you guys could say anything that felt pretty risky.
Yeah, because I actually had a really good idea. Yeah, I was curious about that myself. I had a bunch of spells. I was going to send in one or three rats because snakes love rats, and so they'd be distracted by the rats, and then we'd grab the shield ourselves. But as for the shield itself, sure, I could put it on. I actually don't have many hit points left, but I could definitely try putting it on. Look, maybe it's just me being woozy, but I feel like there's some judgment that maybe I shouldn't put my arm in there right away, and I...
I admit it was a little hasty. I'm a little nervous, but it was a little risky. It was a little risky, but I feel like maybe I did that risk. Maybe somebody else can look at this shield. It's pretty magical. It feels magical. Henry, you want to look at it? Yeah, let me take a look at it first. So I have to be the DC 20. So I have to hit like a natural 20 basically. No, you might have to plus something to our Connor because you're like a magic. No, but that's intelligence and druids are dumb.
Oh, no. Do any of you have a high job? I got a plus two arcana. I could give it a shot. I've got a plus four arcana. Oh, go for it. I don't know. Because Ron dabbled in some weird, freaky shit. Ron is emotionally intelligent. Nope. Glenn also has a no. All right. Well, then you're not going to know what it is unless you bring it to an NPC who might be able to identify it for you. Hey, Doug. Yeah, what's up? What's the deal with this shield, dude? Hey, Doug, what's your arcana?
It's not how I'm an intern. My intelligence is not to actually know. Wisdom would not be super high for just doing this work for free. He's probably super overqualified. He's probably actually got a PhD or something. Let's say he's really intelligent and really not wise because he's hanging out with you guys. So masters in philosophy or something. Yeah, exactly. Art history. So he's got a plus five to Arcana, let's say. That's nice of you.
Ooh, he rolled a two. Sorry. He's like, yeah, I don't know. Sorry, guys. Well, can't you just give your best guess, Doug? Uh, my best guess... Fake it till you make it, Doug. Yeah, man. What do you think it does? Yeah, on our team, we're all about positivity and contributing to the group. Doug, what do you contribute? Uh, I was willing to go on this alone and save you the trouble of getting stung by, or beaten by a bunch of snakes. That's a good point, Doug. We'll talk about it when we grab lunch next week. Ha ha ha ha!
I'll be late by about 20 minutes and then act like I wasn't. Seems like this roller coaster's been stopped for a suspiciously long amount of time. Let's hold on to it for now and then get it inspected, I think. So the roller coaster speeds off again. So I did it. Guys, I did it.
I solved the second puzzle. I'm feeling pretty sick. And Doug's like, I don't know why, but I kind of feel like the risk was you could take the shield or not take the shield. I feel like the roller coaster would have kept going no matter what. But I'm glad you did it. Thanks. So the roller coaster once again halts to a stop after a bunch of thrilling twists and turns. And on the walls around you, you can see painted scarab beetles, like black little scarab beetles. And you see some holes in the wall.
Don't put your hands in there, guys. Little tiny ones, too small for your holes. Don't put anything else in there. Ew. And you remember Bite of the Mummy, and you hear through the speakers behind you the wonderful soundtrack to the Stephen Sommers movie, The Mummy, fades away, and you hear the skittering of scarabs getting closer and closer. How many holes around us? There's two holes on either side. Guys, do we have anything we can plug these things up with or what?
So I'm going to give you 60 seconds to come up with a plan. Okay. Maybe the shield on one? Put the shield over some of them. I'm going to cast Entangle and shoot Grasping Weeds into the holes. We can make the rocky corpse hold the shield against one of the walls. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
lean the hands up. So it's just blocking one of them. I'm going to cast, uh, entangle. So I do that. Does it say what's like the radius of it is like the size of it? It's sprout from the ground in a 20 foot square. 20 feet. Okay. So you completely covered one wall in your vines. Okay. Uh,
All right. So the other. We drag the stone corpse over to the other one and like lean him against his hands up in the, you know, raise the roof pose, cover up one of the holes entirely. All right. Roll me. Anybody can roll me a strength check with advantage because you're all trying to do it. Actually, well, no, you'd have to unbuckle. Ooh, you'd have to unbuckle yourself from your restraints. I mean, is it worth moving the stone guy to cover one hole? I mean, we need to figure out what's give me give me give me something. Then Matthew, how many is that? How many other holes are two on the other side? Oh, just two holes. Yeah, just two.
Okay, yeah, yeah, okay. Let's do that on the shield. You gotta undo your strength, which you don't have to check for. You just do it, but then you're gonna have to roll strength to move the guy. Oh, I shouldn't do it because I'm sick. Okay, well, I got natural 20 on the first one. Second one, I got natural 20. I shit you not. 20, 20, 20, baby. Holy shit. That's 20 plus three. Okay, all right. I go, and I just lift him. I scream, and I just, I don't even take off my restraints. This is my screaming. I just rip out of them, and I go, oh, God, I feel so sick.
Now I know what Grant feels like on these coasters. And then I pick up the stone guy and I just like stumble over the three of you. I'm like, sorry, excuse me. Coming through. And then I put the stone guy up against the hole. Okay, awesome. Ron, put the shield in the other hole. Wait, no, the shield's important. I rip off my t-shirt revealing a set of rippling abs and I bundle up the t-shirt and plug up the hole. How big is the hole? How big is your t-shirt?
He said small holes. Oh, I guess that's true. He said dick-sized holes. It's enough to... No point did I say that. He did not say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. What happened is he said tiny holes. Yeah. And Freddy heard dick-sized holes. Yeah, dick-sized holes. God. Hey, guys, it's Anthony, your daddy master. Don't sigh, Shane. It's fine. Glenn, dude, you look good, man. Yeah, I work out.
That's like DILF. That's the sort of body I think Carol wants me to have. That's like the DILF body. Was Glenn on DILFs of Disneyland? Like for real, though? Whoa. For real, though? Why don't you roll charisma to see if you were on DILFs of Disneyland? Oh, you walked into the wrong room, motherfucker. You walked into the wrong room, motherfucker. Oh, charisma gives me... Oh, boy. That's a plus six on the saving throw modifier.
On an 18, so that's a 24. Jesus. You're not the focus of the first Delfs at Disneyland, but you were like in the background of the very first Delfs at Disneyland post. And then later on, they actually got one of you and it's about you. You were the Daily Delf for one day. We're like Mickey ears. Like, why is this guy at Disneyland alone? Fucking alone. Yeah.
This guy who has a kid. Wait, wait, wait. You didn't go with Nick? You go to Disneyland by yourself and you don't bring your child? He was in school that day, dude. That's the best time to go. That's the best time to go. Hold on, man. He's got to get his education. If we're going to Disneyland on Wednesday, can you do that? No, I have school. Can we do Saturday? Saturday?
I'm busy Saturday. No, Saturday sucks, dude. The lines suck on Saturday, dude. He's the worst fucking person. It takes like 40 minutes to get Dole Whip on Saturday. I'll bring you some Dole Whip, though. What a garbage. And it's melted by the time you get to him. As if fucking Glenn doesn't have like a cooler. That's true, yeah. He doesn't have a stroller with a fake baby in it to get him in the front of lines. He doesn't need to. He doesn't need to. So Glenn is shirtless now. So you hear the skittering and then you just hear like,
You just hear air, little puffs of air. I told you guys, it was just air. Coming out of the wall. Fuck off. Oh my God. But then you do actually hear the skittering of real. I was setting up a little double blind, but no, you've successfully blocked it off. A bunch of real scarabs try to come out, but they get stymied. You see them trying to strain against your vines and they can't quite make it. And they come up against the stone and they're stymied by the stone. And they're beginning to chew through the shirt and
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It continues through the darkness and then slowly comes to a stop and some lights turn on beneath you. You can see into the gully works of the roller coaster and far down beneath you, which is it's accessible via a ladder. But if you had fucked up the scarabs thing, you probably would have dropped from like panicking and stuff. But basically, you can see two ladders on either one on either side of the roller coaster that lead downward. And down there, you can see actually.
Actually, why don't you roll me perception? I'll tell you how much you see. Ooh, natural birth. 20. I got a 2. I got a 20 as well. I got a 10. A lot of 20s. I got a 14 plus 6. Great. You see that there are three mummies down there, actually. There is one that is very tall and skinny and wearing a skirt. Oh, man. There is another...
It's wearing a skirt almost like they stopped bandaging this person at the waist for some reason. There's one that's kind of smaller and stocky. And there's one that's very curvaceous. And all three of them have long gray hair that kind of comes out of the top of their mummy bandages. Ron, what's going on? What's up, Ron? Yeah, Ron, you're having a reaction. What's up? I'm having a reaction because I...
I don't know about you guys, but I've been dreaming about three people that shape-wise look a lot like these mummies, but, like, they're purple. Whoa, whoa, but we see them in their dreams. Because we're in some sweet dreams, so maybe they dream. And maybe, like, this is their real... Could this be the lair that they've been in this whole time?
I suggest you proceed with caution, gentlemen. So down there, you also can see a... What's a good brand of suitcase that a normal human being would... A Samsonite. You see three suitcases down there. You see a Samsonite, a Tumi, and another... I was way off. God, that joke's fucking good. You see three suitcases down there. One of them has kind of popped open, and you can see inside of it some gold.
And are these mummies moving around? The two smaller ones, the two non-curvaceous ones are kind of just standing there idly. The curvaceous one is kind of ambling around randomly, kind of like a zombie.
Whoa, mummies. Do you think these are the purple people? You can also see that they're holding things, but you're too far up to see what they are. If you get closer, you can do another perception roll to see if you can tell what they're holding. Here's a thought. I could Hulk out again, and Glenn's ripping it. He could probably help me out here. I don't think we should just jump the gun. I think we should approach with caution, but I don't know. Do you know what I mean? The car is stopping.
So just so you know, the car is completely stopped. It's going to be stopped for as long as you want them to come up with a plan. So because you succeeded in all the trials and stuff like that, you basically can plan this out however you want to and you'll get advantage if you try to surprise them. Basically, you get a free surprise attack if you just attack them. Sounds like we're getting into a combat, so it might be nice to have like a
Well, no, I'm just saying if that's something you'd want to do. So like the mummies, they're like covered in bandages, right? Yeah, I got this oil from this jug. We could just pour it down there and just light the whole thing on fire and let it burn out. You know what I mean? That's kind of what I was wondering.
I mean, we should probably check where they are, maybe. Yeah, I just want to make sure, like, look, this is a weird world. There's a lot of crazy stuff. For all we know, these are people that fell off the ride and they need just help, you know? Okay, well, what about this? I don't know if you guys have ever had, like, a bandage or a cast or anything, but here's the thing. What if we just pour water on them?
Oh, because the bandages will like get all soaked and it'll be all nasty. Nobody wants to live like that. So they'll either surrender or I got I got an idea. I like I don't want to get into a combat where we could get hurt. I'm poisoned. We've been in a lot of combat recently. How about we just get ready to take them out and then we double check who they are before we do it. Sounds great. Somebody gets in position. Glenn pours the gasoline all over them and then like
Henry, maybe we tie you up on a rope and we hold you. You drop down and you say like a drop bear. Yeah. Like a drop bear. Yeah. You drop down with like a lit match. You say, hey, who are you guys? I'm going to light you on fire. And then depending on what they say, we pull you back up or you or you. Now, what I don't like about that is what if they attack me and then I drop the match and then pull you up and then like a whole wall of flame scorches me. No, no, it's not that much fire. I mean, I'll do it.
Here's what I'm going to say. If you're scared, I'll do it. I can do it. Let's do it. I'm probably going to die anyways. I'm poisoned. All right, Daryl, settle down for a second. Poisoned. Daryl gets so morose when he's feeling sick. When he's feeling poisoned. Daryl's one of those guys that when he has a cold, he's like, I'm going to die. This will be like this forever, Carol. Please take me soon. Let me do, because we're pretty far up, but I bet they can hear us, right? Like how far down are they? They're about 20 feet down. Is there any way leading out of...
So if we're looking down and sort of like, what does it look like? Is there exits that they can go through or is it just one contained area? It's basically just a well, yeah. Okay, cool. Oh, sorry. And also down there, you can see the bodies of a bunch of other people who tried to get there and kill them. You see a bunch of Neverwintrians who are down there. Their flesh is falling off them. Maybe they got eaten by scarabs. I buried the lead there a little bit. Yeah.
I have so many things that I forget which ones are mad. Some of them look like they got eaten by scarabs. Some of them look like they got poisoned by snakes. Some of them look like they were stoned. Like all the people that Boreal has said in here. Oh, it's all the detritus from the people who failed the test. So we don't know if they... All right. I just go, hey. Before you do that, I'm going to bardic inspiration you and then be like, hey, don't worry, Henry. You got the touch. Okay. You got the... I go, hey.
The curvy mummy looks up at you and cocks its head slightly to the left and then just starts to moan.
What's your view on murder? Are you? What's your deal? So give me another perception check, Henry. A 10. Okay, so that's not going to do it. If you get closer, I'll let you go again. And this roll will be easier. Guys, I'm going to go down a little bit. There could be other stuff down there that we don't want to burn or destroy. I'm just going to climb down this ladder a little bit. And I've got a rope, so I tie one end of the rope to the... Wait, guys, should I say something really quick? Yeah, yeah. I just...
And I spit a loogie down there at one of them. Roll dexterity. Are you trying to hit one of them? Yeah. Okay, which one? The one that's right below me. Okay, so the one that's looking up at us. The small, okay, the curvy one. Okay, so there's the stocky one, the curvy one, and the tall one. I get disadvantage, right? Ooh, that was a 15. You hit her directly in the forehead, and she doesn't react at all. She's just busy moaning, just like reaching up at him. It feels like it's not a person. Yeah. I'd be pretty mad if a loogie hit me on the forehead. Yeah.
I'm going to uncork the oil and just sprinkle it down over there. Let's see how they react to the oil. Okay, so still no reaction to the oil. They're just... And they're doing this. They're moving their hands. Okay, actually, so this is good. As they're moving their hands and you're closer, so go ahead and roll perception again. Okay. It's like our kids. It's like... God, I got a fucking nine. There's something white in one hand and something black in her other hand. If you get closer, you can see more.
Okay, I just this could be something valuable down there. I don't want to burn it. How close are you though? How close am I? You were let's say you're 10 feet up. So I'm 10 feet and she slowly starts ambling toward the ladder like as if to like maybe she's going to try to climb. Oh, I got it. So I'm going to cast. I'm like, hey, Henry, look away. All right, I look away. So I'm going to cast hypnotic pattern, which is a third level illusion that I can do. Now I'm going to explain this as Glenn can finger tut and
what what finger tutting like you know when you like like at the at the end of you know like this no one knows what you're doing especially congratulations you have outdone my word puzzle as the worst thing to possibly reference on a podcast step up three step up three dvd dancing is what you're trying to explain it's called finger tutting hold on just give me a second we're on the same way i'm just gonna i'm just gonna this is finger dancing step up three this guy does like i'm literally pulling up a video oh my gosh like this sort of thing
Yes, that sort of thing. People at home. Everyone just Google finger. That's pretty cool. That's that's pretty fucking that is fucking hypnotic, man. This is so much better than step up to the streets. Okay, so anyway, look at finger tutting. It's great. I'll drop down a whole YouTube rabbit hole of fantastic videos of people with extraordinary talent, but Glenn can finger tut. Okay, so that is going to be a twisting pattern that weaves through the air inside a 30 foot cube.
The creatures in here who sees the pattern must make a wisdom saving throw. Okay. On a failed save, the creature becomes charmed for the duration. While charmed by the spell, the creature is incapacitated and has a speed of zero. Nice. The spell ends for an affected creature if it takes any damage or if someone else uses an action to shake the creature out of its stupor. So what's the wisdom saving throw it has to make? It is a wisdom saving throw of 14. So it just stops dead in its tracks and lowers its hands and looks up at your finger-tutting transfix and you're going...
And also I make this noise when I do it. That's horrible. That's horrible. That's a crime. Not to a rhythm, just random noises. The noises you make snap her back out of it. And it's like, you never did it. No, that's horrible. But she's holding the two things? Yeah, so she's still holding the two things, but now she's lowered them down to her sides and she's looking up in awe.
She's really incapacitated. You can get really close. I'm going to go as close as I can. Okay, so give me a stealth with advantage to not get the attention of the other two. Remember, you have a plus eight because I gave you the touch, the power. A plus eight? You have a 1d8 that you can throw for any ability check, attack roll, or saving throw. You can do it after you've seen the roll, but before knowing the outcome. I can add a d8. You can choose to add a 1d8 to that.
That's the two pyramids asked to answer. Correct. So what number did you get? I got a nine. Okay. Well, let me see my stealth. What do I have for stealth? Plus two. So 11. So I should. Yeah. All right. I got a 13.
The two mummies sort of turn around and see you, and they start very slowly ambling towards you. You can tell that the curvy mummy that was looking up at you is sort of more put together and less decomposed than the other two. Oh, she's like the queen mummy. And the other two are kind of like, they're a little bit more rotting. They're a little bit, they have a harder time moving around, essentially. So you have basically a turn of action before they reach you, and that's assuming you stayed completely still. Okay. Okay.
I'm going to grab the what's in her hands. In her left hand, you can see a piece of paper, seemingly some sort of white piece of paper. Something's written on the end of it, but you can't see a lot of it because she's holding onto the middle of it. But you can see the letter R is just barely visible on the letter. Okay. Okay. In her other hand is a gun. A gun? What's down there, Henry?
She's got a letter and a gun. I feel like the letter's going to have more information for us. I'm going to go for the letter first. Guns seem kind of redundant at this point. I mean, yeah, I can turn into a bear. I'm going to go for the letter, and I'm going to try to tug it out and replace it with this CVS receipt that's been in my pockets the entire time. You could probably wrap the whole CVS receipt around the mummy, though. At least cut it in half.
I use the CVS receipt to disguise my face like a mummy to juke the other two mummies into thinking I'm a mummy. That's great. Roll deception. I got a 10. Yeah, it's not good enough. But wait, I have inspiration from my dad joke. Oh, yeah, you can roll again. I'm not going to blow it on this. That's stupid. Okay, so I give the note a tug to try to pry it loose. So she's incapacitated, so the note just comes out very easily. And so... Whoa, Anthony has pulled out an actual letter from his bag of tricks. My favorite. Wow.
And he's handing it over to Will now. He's handing it to Will. You don't have to read this aloud if you don't want to. It's up to you. Okay. Do I have time to read it before the mummies get me? You can, like, move around pretty quickly. If you want to be just, like, weirdly sort of dodging and juking them like a plane resident. Can you just climb back up and read once it gets up here? I can just kind of scooch back up the ladder a little bit. Yeah, you can climb back up. You definitely have time to climb back up. Okay. All right. I scooch back up the ladder a little bit. Guys, I'm opening the note right now. Should we light the place on fire now? Henry, hurry up. I'm running out of moves. I'm just cycling through the old ones. What the fuck?
Will is reading a note. What the fuck? Oh, no. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Hey, Henry, should we light this place on fire?
Uh, Henry just stares in shock and he's just static on the ladder and his hand starts trembling and tears start streaming down his face. Well, Hey guys, I'm going to climb down there and help you back up. Henry's not listening to any of you. Okay. If one of you wants to pull them up, you're gonna have to just, you know, like do something to either snap them out of it or physically yank him up. What's a good way to make them snap out of things?
I just snapped at him. The mummies down below are slowly climbing up the ladder. Henry goes right-headed and lets go of the ladder and falls to the ground. Okay, so you fall into the arms of the other two mummies that are at the bottom of the ladder. As he's falling, Daryl leaps from the coaster and leaps towards the ladder. He wants to get 10 feet down the ladder and grab on. My plan is just to get down there as quickly as possible. Okay, cool. So roll acrobatics to see if you can land without taking any damage. You're going to have to beat a 19.
Motherfucker, I do get a 19. Really? Yeah, I could just roll a 19. Oh, wow. Okay, so how do you land? Oh, so since I leap off the coaster and I fireman pose it where I barely grab both sides of the ladder and I just slip down. And then at the end, I grab it and I backflip off of it. Fucking cool. I put my two feet on it, I backflip, and I land right where Henry landed. Okay, so the two mummies sort of turn to look at you. One of them turns to face you, the stocky one. Roll perception. Okay.
Holy shit, you guys. You guys. I got a 20. I got 19 plus 1. With a 20, you can see. Oh, no. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. You can see that there is a letter tucked into her bandages. And it's halfway in, halfway out. And the first three letters on it are D-A-R. Oh, shit.
Okay, I'm going to as I landed. I think I I'm going to invoke rage. Don't hurt them. Okay, I'm not gonna hurt them. And I and I grabbed the letter while like kicking them off. Like I'm trying to like grab it and then like push them away. Okay, so same time. So if you're trying to do two things, let's say you're doing a disadvantage should give me let's do dexterity because you're kicking them and grabbing a thing at the same time.
I got 12. Okay, so with the 12, you managed to grab a hold of the letter, but it grabs hold of your wrist and you can kick it away and it like falls to its knees. So you're kind of almost still holding it up, but it's holding onto your wrist and it's got you. So Ron and Glenn, what do you want to do anything? First, I turned to Doug and I'm like, you know,
not only those guys can do cool things, I'm a part of the team and I do cool things too. So if you want anybody to like show you the ropes or whatever, yeah, like on this team. Okay. I'm going to actually just climb down this ladder and, uh, Doug, if you could watch the phones for me and then watch for any incoming packages, I'll hold your calls. Okay. So, so you go down and the tall skinny one turns to look at you. Now you roll perception. Okay. I got a 13. She's holding in her hand a letter that says Ron. Okay.
Hi, can I have that? Roll a persuasion. Natural 20. Fuck off. I see that that works and I go. Can I read it? If you want to. I see that that works. Oh, hey, can I have mine as well?
Right, Beth? Beth is wide mouth right now. This is very, very, very good. That is currently my favorite thing I've ever written. I'm going to, oh my God. Wow. All right, Henry. What's going on down there, guys? Glenn, you need to get down here right now. I asked for it as well, saying that it works for... Yeah, you don't have disadvantage. You can go ahead and roll persuasion. In that case, without the disadvantage, I got 19 minus one, that's 18. He's bringing me a letter.
And it says Daryl. Hey guys, are we good? Glenn, come here. Oh yeah, okay. Daryl drops the floor and he's just crying. What the fuck is going on, man? I put a hand on Daryl's shoulder and with the note trembling in my hands, I read, My lion, I am so sorry. If you are reading this, we're beyond saving. Ten years after your disappearance, my witch-sewing feminist theory book close circle...
a massive amount of energy coming from this theme park ride. I intended to investigate alone, but Carol and Samantha insisted on joining me. We stuffed our suitcases full of things that might help us find you, and we headed to Universal Studios Hollywood. While in line for the ride, we fell through a portal of the most brilliant violet color. My heart swelled knowing I might see you again after all this time. Might see our two beautiful boys, but
I knew fucking crystals worked, by the way.
But I still feel something is changing, something I cannot stop. There is nothing I can tell you that you don't already know. If I do not get to see you again while I am still myself, I can at least draw comfort from the fact that I have left nothing unsaid between us. You know my heart as completely as I know yours. I wish I could be with you to see this Thursday and tell the boys I love them. Te amo, mi Leon. Hasta la proxima vida, Mercedes O. Garcia. April 20th, 2040.
I crawl over to the mummy and I, and through my tears, I try to unravel the, the bandage on the head. I'm gonna hold it back from that. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. Are you sure you want to do that? I mean, that's what I'm trying to do. Daryl, Daryl, Daryl, Daryl, just no. It's that's Carol though. Yeah, I know, but you don't want to look at her like that, man. That's Carol. It's Carol. It's Carol. But if it's her, we got to do something. It's okay. We'll do something. We were going to do something. We're going to figure this out. We're going to figure this out, man. I fold the letter and I just put it in my pocket.
Ron, how you doing, champ? I sit down, crisscross applesauce. With the letter in my hand, I just keep reading it silently to myself, and you guys can only see my lips moving. And then I stare at one of the mummies as tears move down my face. Then you catch what I'm repeating. Ronnie, you are enough just as you are. Samantha.
The mummies sort of see you. They were mommies. They were mommies. They see you reading the letters and there is an exhalation of relief that exits their bodies. And with one big sigh of utter contentment, they collapse to the ground and they stop moving.
Glenn goes, now y'all know why I fucking stick to Disney rides. Oh my god. Oh my god.
♪ ♪
Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos is Henry Oak. Beth May is Ron Stampler. And myself, Freddie Wong, as Glenn Close. Additional recording this week by Chad Ellis. Theme song and outro is a little ditty called All Right by Maxton Waller. Thank you this week to Jake Nolan for submitting an item we used in this episode. He gets to submit names and items.
because he's a Patreon supporter. And you know who else gets to do that? Just some folks by the name of Freya Matheson, Charlie Spencer Lonefight, Kyle Yonke, Andrew Alewine, Renu Shirali, Andrew Gillen, Rachel, Andrew Duck, and Dylan Ott. Thank you so much, folks. For just five bucks a month, you can get in on item and character name submissions and entire post-recording podcasts we do called Talking Dad and a whole lot more. Will and I are currently working on the next stretch goal, which will be available to patrons at all levels.
which is going to be the long-awaited Henry Oak rap album. We've been talking about some truly ridiculous ideas for this, so please check out our Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads and see if anything tickles your fancy. And you know what? Maybe nothing does tickle your fancy. Maybe you want to be a freeloader. Don't let me tell you how to live your life. Gosh!
Our website where you can get merch is dungeonsanddaddies.com. We are at Dungeons and Dads on Twitter, bit.ly Dungeon Dads for that private Facebook group, and r slash Dungeons and Daddies for that subreddit. Next episode coming at you February 4th. We will see you then. There was a time you'd need between to know they never brought you down.
Hey folks, this is Will Campos from Dungeons and Daddies. We've had a lot of fun today, but you know what's not fun? Snake bites. If you get bitten by a snake, make sure to know how to deal with that in case that happens. You know what you do? You Google that shit with your non-bitten arm. Or your phone that's not turned into stone.
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