Ep. 21 - Connin' the Librarian 01:14:00

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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Previously on the most pulse-pounding, edge-of-your-seat episode of Dungeons and Daddies yet. Oh!

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, sometimes a BDSM podcast, most of the time a Dungeons and Dragons podcast about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in a quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the bard slash dad band rock and roll bard, rock and roll dad.

Of the group. Boy. Just keep saying words. Just words. This is a stroke, guys. What are the things? What is the acronym? FAST. And what's your stance for? Face. For face slumping. Act quickly. Call the police. Slumping face. And then time. Time. Time is the one that acts. A is something else. ST is smelling toast, I think. Yes. Yeah. Friday, here's a test. What's the sound of a butterfly kiss?

Oh, wow. That's horrible. I don't know. It's kind of relaxing. Like, I would put that... There's some ASMR people who are just like... Right now. Anyway, my favorite thing in the world is ASMR people being like, it's not sexual. Yeah.

Listen, it's okay. It'd be fine if it was. It's 2019. And like, it's like a little bit. It's fine to just say like, it's a little bit. That's fine. You can get everyone off your back. Glenn's fact this week is Glenn is- Glenn's fact is that he's really into ASMR. Glenn's fact is-

is he has an ASMR channel. Is that you're in a barbershop right now and I'm snipping away at your hair. So according to Wikipedia, there is no connection between ASMR and sexual arousal. You're ruining the experience. Glenn's fact is that Glenn saw Nick watching all these YouTube folks and he heard that they made money off of it. So Glenn started Glenn SMR, which is, imagine that. Stop. Stop.

What's the opposite of sexually arousing? Will has actually had to take off his headphones because he gets the fever. I just wish I was recording the image of Freddie stroking the microphone.

Now here's Glenn's fatal error, which is he did not understand that a lot of it has to play into like, oh, you're getting a barbershop or something. So he would be like, imagine you're a road broadcast, Mike pop cover. And my hands are, and I was like, this is too literal. It's not about being, it's about being in the barbershop. So all of his ASMR videos are just like microphone types and different wind covers. And he's like, I'm not getting any views, Nick. I don't understand. What is this thing? Where's all the money? Oh, well back to Christmas. Back to slime pits. Yeah.

Back to popping. No. My mom is super into this. Guys, I have to make a confession. Please cut this out of the podcast. Nope, whatever you say. Whatever you say is canon forever. Here's the thing. It's like I watched one of the videos and it was really gross and I didn't want to watch it, but then I watched another one. That's how it goes. And it was gross. Whoops, you pop. You just can't stop. Literally, and I'm not into it.

It's not sexual. It's not sexual. It's not sexual. I did a barbershop ASMR and then I flicked the bean to fucking popping videos. Oh my gosh. No, it's just that like sometimes if I'm on Reddit and I go to like popping, like I might, you know, spend like 10 minutes there. First time Glenn was on popping, he was like, oh, pop blocking, like the type of dance, like at the end of a step up three for, I mean, that's something I could spend hours on, but like popping videos, I could just, well, on that note, I,

Cut it out. Cut it out of the podcast. No, we have to keep it so good. Popcast. My name is Matt Popzit Arnold. That way you have to keep her thing. Otherwise, my introduction will make no sense. And

And I play Daryl Wilson, stay-at-home coach dad who's now a barbarian in the Forgotten Realms. A little dad fact about Daryl, since he stays home, he does a lot of the cleaning. So whenever he cleans Grant's bathroom, he got one of those, like, you know when you go to, like, a restaurant and they have, like, an inspection checklist? Yeah.

He has one of those on the mirror and he goes, inspected by dad on Wednesday at 2 p.m. Clean up your underwear, son. And he puts little notes for him every morning so he knows when Daryl cleaned up his bathroom. That's horrifying. That is like so terrible. It takes a brave man to clean a teenage boy's bathroom. Grant has never jerked off in that house. He goes somewhere else to do it.

He does not. If you're that thorough, there's no way he's squirting. I'm always in the bathroom. That's a rowdy episode. Hey, what's up, everyone? I will campos. I play Henry Oak. I'm really nervous about my dad fact because I stepped I kind of stepped into some controversy at the end of the last controversy. I play Henry Oak, Birkenstock Rocking, Granola Munchin, Crunchy Munchy.

dirty hippie boy. Henry's dad fact this week is that I'd like to take a moment to clarify a little bit about Henry's hygiene practices. Backtracking already. No, not backtracking. R-E-T-C-O-N-R. People were asking...

People are asking like, so does Henry not shower? Of course, Henry showers. Henry bathes. He's just a little bit more fast and loose with the rules as far as hand washing in the bathroom goes. It sounds like the stinky boys protesting too much. Sounds like the stinky boys never washed anything. I knew this was going to happen the second I started to

I yield the rest of my time to the next senator.

Bold of you to assume that Henry poops at all. He's got a paid-in-ask ability to absorb all nutrients perfectly. Hi, my name is Beth, never had a zit, may. Which is a lie. And I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact...

About Ron this week. When Ron was growing up in his parents' house, in his father Willie's house, there was one mirror in the attic and it was kind of like akin to... What's the mirror in Harry Potter where you see what you... The super wish mirror. The mirror wanting or whatever. The mirror wanna. Yeah, exactly. There was a mirror akin to that in the attic where Ron always felt like you looked absolutely amazing in this one mirror and it's because...

on the top of the mirror sort of etched into the glass itself was the word stud. And so whenever he looked into the mirror, he's like, this is a stud. I look like a stud. Nice. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Hi, Dad. Hi, Dad. How was your day at work today, Dad? No one has ever asked their dad how their day was. No, they do. It's just they want something afterwards. Oh, that's what it is. Did you bring me a toy from work? No, I brought you the gift of body of horror. At the Funko Pop factory. The Funko Pop.

Everybody's dad works at Funko Pop, apparently. Justifying how fucking many of those things there are. Dads work at Funko, uncles work at Nintendo. That's the rules. That's how I got Donkey Kong Country. We were always joking that a Fallout-esque game made a mistake. It shouldn't be bottle caps as the future currency. It should be different Funko Pops. That'd be really good.

Okay, so I'm very glad you were talking about popping because I used to pop zits all the time in high school because I was very anxious. And good at it. Yeah, because I was great at it. Because if you've got to be good at something, you might as well be just figuring your own face for no reason. And one time I popped my nose so badly in like three different spots that it looked like something had attacked me. Whoa. At school, I just had to be like, my cat went insane. Holy shit. Most of my friends had been to my house and knew I did not have a cat and they just didn't say anything. Oh my gosh.

That's true friendship right there. Apparently don't pop zits. Apparently it's bad for you, but like, come on, pop them. It feels great.

Ready to play a bad video? Like, what if a video game was bad and slow and all the graphics were in your brain? That's what we're doing. These graphics are amazing, Anthony. You run this game with the Voodoo 3 of your imagination. Oh, my God. Voodoo. Hi, I'm Will Campos, and when I reference a graphics card, I make mine voodoo. 3D effects, baby. Okay. Question, Anthony. Yeah. Do we...

Do we short rest or long rest on the way in? Because we're about to get into a dirty ass fight. You short rested in the chariot on the way back, I presume. Yeah. Because you didn't say anything about what you were doing, so it feels like reasonable to suggest that you short rested. How much do you heal when you do a short rest? So each of you on your character sheet have a certain number of hit dice, which are D8s, and when you short rest, you can choose how many of them you want to roll and gain that many hit points back.

Basically, short rest is really good for healing your health. It's not as good for getting your spell slots back. That's the main difference between that and long rest. Oh, I see. And that's also the thing. Your short rest, you don't recover your hit die until you do a long rest. Right. A little quick retcon there because we're about to get into it. A little quadruple dad nap.

Yeah. So I roll 68. Is that the thing? Yeah, if you want to choose how many die you want to use. So I would not do the maximum. If we had done this properly, you wouldn't know if there was a boss fight coming. So you might be like, well, just use one or two because who knows? But now, you know, you're about to get to a boss fight. So you might as well. Now I get it because I was always like, why would you ever like just always do a long rest? Like, no, OK, you should do more short rest because that's a little bit more like resource management sort of thing going on. OK, so I'm going to burn all of my I would have anyway. I was almost dead. So I burn all of mine. I'm back up to 34 out of 39 HP.

great. I got seven back, but I only had seven off. I'm going to role play that Henry didn't know he was going to get into a fight. So I'm only going to do four. All right. I am at 42 out of 45 health. Nice. I'm all healed up. I'm 39 out of 39. All right. So we're pretty good. So to remind you of what happened at the end of our last blistering pulse pounding adrenaline pumping episode, I think somebody in our discord was like, uh,

They literally walked like 10 feet. They're like, this episode was about them walking to their van. So what happened was you went back to your car

And at the van, I mean, other stuff happened, but it's not relevant to your current situation. I mean, we lost CERN forever. We got the decadent things. CERN is such a drama queen. You kill a guy's kids once. We've lost CERN forever like 10 times now. So we'll see CERN. I think CERN has a punch card for like the 10th time he swears he's never going to talk to us again. Like he gets a free one kid back. Yeah, it's like Breaking Bad seasons two through five. Oh,

On the ride over, you talked to Erin O'Neill about the eyeball in your left hand, Daryl. And you expressed a lot of confusion over it. And she said, I think that's the library's way of spying on you. Ron accidentally let it slip that the... Glenn and Ron. Glenn and Ron, with their powers combined, accidentally let it slip that they were not going to return. I think Daryl's the only one who hasn't just opened his frickin' mouth and ruined something. Your failure to open your mouth and ruin something. What is that? With your son. Oh!

Oh, my gosh. Matt Arnold puts his glasses on so they can see him crying right now. And basically, yeah, you get the sense that the library probably knew that you were not going to return the books. Then you returned to your van. As you were about to get into the van, you noticed that it was a little low to the ground. And you initially thought, oh, it's because there's something inside of it. But it turns out after one very well-placed fart. I was hoping it was Peyton.

Yeah, he like snuck in. That fart would have killed Peyton. So it's good that he wasn't in the car. He would have died in utter agony. The Indiana Jones scene with the faces melt off. The library was under the van wearing it kind of like a hermit crab shell and is beginning to claw its way out of the ground. The van rumbles beneath you and Ron and Glenn, you stepped out of the van, I presume, while it was being hot boxed by Henry and Daryl's horrible beefs.

And you see that the library has the van on its back. Whoa, holy moly, Daryl. What's going on? What did you eat, man? I don't know what is going on. I mean, that was a pretty never righteous too, but like the van seems to be shaking. What's going on? Glenn's waving his arms. I unroll the window. Yeah. What is it? Is it the shocks? I bet it's the shocks. What was the last time you had these shocks looked at? No, it's a spare tire or the claws.

I'm sorry. You're going to have to say that again for me one more time, Ron. It's the spare claws. You know, like every car has a spare. You're saying there's claws? There's claws on the car? How positively salacious. Yeah, that's the library, guys. And he's like wearing you guys right now. I leap out of the car. Okay. How high up are you? I leapt out before I got too high. No, I leapt out.

Okay. All right. Roll acrobatics. Oh my God. It's just Henry in there. It's a 20. It's a 20. All right. Describe what happens. Daryl Flynn over here. Oh, wow. Wow. Ask your parents about that one. Ask your grandparents about him about the voodoo three. Okay.

The Errol Flynn of graphics cards. I open the door and then still having the seatbelt on, I unbuckle and I unfurl myself like one of those Chinese ribbon dancers or Jackie Chan when he unrolls from the rope. And I spin quickly and I do four front flips and I land and I go, Blade pose. Blade pose. And I blade pose. And the library goes, oh, it's a knife.

tonight, fool. I wanted to roll perception to see what the situation my beast is in. How hurt is it upon being worn like a hermit? Roll perception. That's a one.

Who knows? You were so busy blade landing, you didn't even look at the car. You're busy looking down at the ground because that's how blade lands. You did a perfect landing, but you're so dizzy. Henry's going to turn the car around. Okay. I'm going to unbuckle my seatbelt and climb over to the front seat, careful as I can, safely buckle back in, and then turn the car on. Okay. Nice try, Daddy Master. I saw you taking notes there, trying to catch him out on some...

Car safety bits. Okay. Ron and Glenn, do you want to do one thing before I make you roll for initiative? I feel like Ron would like try to whisper to the gas thing to like resist or something. Oh, interesting. Do you speak Japanese? No. Odyssey-san, resist. Okay.

Although I guess the question is, has it learned English from hearing you guys? No, I don't think you've had a wholesome enough relationship with this thing. You only mention every once in a while. Is this the scene from 13th Warrior where they're like... Oh my God! What a pull. That pull, holy shit. Where it's like all of us just talking about dumb bullshit, but it's like the Vance... And then all of a sudden Antonio, Vantonio Banderas can understand us perfectly. Yes!

Holy shit. No, the van doesn't speak English. No, it doesn't speak English yet. Hey, Mr. Library, how's it going? No, you already did some shit. You already did a Blade Landing. Oh, but I can't speak? No, we're still frozen in the moment of your Blade Landing. And then I'm going to make you roll initiative, and then on your turn, once initiative comes around, you can use a free action to try to talk. Oh, shit. I mean, there's no...

This is serious, Anthony. There's no fucking business here. It's straight to combat. I mean, I thought it was about time that we tried to do a proper... Okay, so there was folks in the Discord that were really helpful in sending me some Matt Colville videos about how I thought that the whole thing that we have where every boss fight we get into, you either kill the boss in one hit or it one-shots you. It's like, oh, it's because we're bad at D&D, but it turns out that's a universal D&D problem. Even if you are bad at D&D like we are. Which we absolutely are. Judge Swallow would be fun to try and do a proper fight. Anthony's trying to

fix Dungeons and Dragons in this episode. The question is, will he do it? Probably not. Spoilers, probably not. Anthony, where is Aaron? Aaron O'Neill is standing next to you. I'm gonna use the opportunity to be like, hey, Aaron, can I get that book, please?

Which? The Sinich one. The one that we give back to you. Can I have it back, please? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she gives it back to you. Okay, cool. Thanks. I'll do my move. Okay. So is the library's body basically like the car? I guess it's more like a big backpack. Okay.

Okay. On his shoulders. So you can still see all the fleshy bits of him and his horrible arms. And instead of wearing a backpack full of books, he's just wearing the car. And he has pink eye. He does have pink eye. He does have pink eye. Yeah. Ooh, that's a good, he'll get a minus to his attack. He has to use one attack to scratch his eye every turn. That's actually really good. That's actually great. Yeah. No, that's actually really good. How many attacks does he have that you're okay with that? He's got a bunch of arms, right? Yeah. Goddamn.

case, I do not have any ideas. You're all missing the very good shimmy that Anthony's doing. Purely excited. I feel like does Ron, like, is he to pull a stealth move? Is he going to, like, hide? Can I hide?

Can I hide in the car too? Like can I like hide under the library? Oh yeah, you can go under his, if you want to rancor him, you can try to do that. What does rancor mean? Return of the Jedi, the rancor is the big beast in the bottom Jabba, the bottom of your boyfriend's palace. Boyfriend Jabba the Hutt that you're canonically dating. How tall is the library? The library is about nine feet tall.

As he stands, you realize like you've only ever seen him hunched over with horrible posture, but he's actually very long and spindly and very skinny. He's almost like Slenderman-esque, but when he stands up to his full height, his legs begin to like shake a little bit from basically like squat thrusting this van. That's the weak spot. He just gave us the weak spot. He's got spindly legs that are already shaking in their boots. Yeah, sure. Yeah, so I'm going to try to like crawl under the library itself. Okay, go ahead and roll stealth. Your move is your special move.

14 plus 8. Yeah. That's 20 something. You guys all turn level 6 and suddenly your rolls are unstoppable. I got a 1. Fuck off. I couldn't even tell what my car was doing.

So you do that. So you're just like hiding between his legs, I guess. Yeah. Cool. He doesn't see that you're there. By doing that, you've ensured that you will not be a target for his attacks, essentially. Okay. So now everybody roll initiative. That's a six plus four, 10 initiative for me. 14 for Daryl. 16 for Henry. I got a seven. Okay. So first up in the initiative is Henry. I feel like Henry's going to try to reason with the library, at least a little bit. I feel like we're all going to try to reason with the library a little bit. So I'm going to roll down the window and stick my head out and say, hey, uh,

Library, buddy, good to see you. What brings you to the van? Oh, just collecting late fees. Late fees. Are we late on our books already?

Oh, I've heard you say horrible things about how you can't bring my books back. I heard it from his hand. And the eye on Daryl's hand opens up. Okay, what exactly did you hear? Also, it's an eye, not an ear. Yes. Yes. Well, flesh is... It can read lips. Flesh is subjective. Involuntary shudder. What exactly did you hear about? Because that's confusing because we totally have the books. Where are they?

The books are... I've searched this van. They're not in the van. Well, that's because the books are with us and they're not due yet so we don't have to give them back. When we said we can't give them back, we just said we can't give them back because they're not ready yet and we had to have such a fun time with them. We couldn't possibly give them back early. It sounds like

Trying to learn about all the good things about it. It's like saying, like, you can't give up chocolate. Like, the books are just so good that we were like... The teens in my world have a phrase where they say, when something's so great that they can't even, right? And it's not a complete thought, but it's like, you can't even. So it's like, we can't even with these books. That's what we were saying. All right, roll persuasion. Also, you got to do with disadvantage, though, because Henry has canonically said he's not great at lying, right? That's true. Yeah, and you also, when he asked where the books were, you gave him the one place he could actually check, which is on ourselves.

Well, I said he's not going to lie. Will's role playing is so good.

We're off to a bad start. And number two? That would be a eight. Yeah, that ain't going to do it. He goes like, oh, I don't think so. Hang on, sir. Hang on. It's fair enough that you don't believe me, but what is the due process in a situation like this? Isn't there some sort of habeas corpus? The only corpus that's going to be involved in this is you as I take your flesh and bind it into a book. Mr. Library, sir, excuse me. You are nothing if not a man of rules. Am I right?

"No, I'm pretty sure I do whatever I want. That's sort of my thing."

Nobody said get a large six foot tall backpack full of books and give it to children as a pretense for possibly taking their flesh, but I did it. They said I was mad, but I did it. We have until the due date of those books to get you your books back. Yeah, what's the point of the due date? You do not have any proof other than not believing me, which like flesh is entirely subjective, that we do not have these books. There has to be some sort of independent review board or some sort of fair way to establish that the books have been burned.

Or your whole system falls apart. Sort of like a book review. A book review. Okay. If we give you the books back, isn't that fine? Yeah, I'm reading through this one right now. What's the point of a due date if this guy can come in and say that the due date's not even real? I don't even want to read this book anymore knowing that at any point you could just come and demand it back. Hmm. All right. Okay. Okay.

Problem is, that's not a bad argument. So, you're saying all this stuff about the lateness. You should be honored by his lateness. That he wouldn't show up for this fake shit. So, the library... So...

Let's say your turn was making that persuasion roll, which you failed. But I'll say that because the argument was so good, he's not going to immediately start attacking you on his turn. Because as you pointed out, what's the point of a due date? But you specifically said that you are all keeping the books on yourself. So he's going to reach up in the van and try to grab you. Sorry, he's going to spend one action scratching his eye. So that's one of his actions. And he's going to try to see if he can constitute. What's wrong with your eye there, library? Oh, I think you know very well.

Blink blink. You know what? It was worth it. I would do it again. Daryl looks at his hand like, is there an eye there? The eye's looking at you flirtatiously. Bats his eyelashes at you. Daryl puts his hand in a fist. Nice. So he's reaching up to grab you. To grab me. So he just scratched his eye. Now he's reaching up to grab you. So that's a 16 dexterity. Why don't you roll? Okay, can I pitch something I want to try?

He can't see me, right? No. I want to trick him into pulling a card from the deck of many things. Oh my gosh. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh, my God. Holy shit. What a move. That's very good. It's risky. That was very good. No, no, no. He's just looking. You'd be like, oh, yeah, here's a book from my pocket. And you just hand him the deck. Oh, my goodness. Oh, man. You scamp. That is brilliant. Scam likely taught me well. All right. All right. So what you're going to do is you're going to roll sleight of hand.

And you're trying to beat his dexterity, which was a 16. Oh, this is not going to be easy. Here we go. Hot dice, hot dice, hot dice. I got a 16. Oh my God. So you tied. Oh shit. Okay. That means we can draw out this tension a little bit. Okay. So yeah, he's got his thumb and his forefinger around the deck, but he hasn't pinched and taken a card yet. With his remaining action, he is going to reach out and try to grab Daryl.

He's going to grab you and he's going to search your body and he can see that there are no books on you. You can feel his horrible hand moving, moving up and down you in a way that's like much like ASMR, not sexual, but not not sexual.

And he goes, you don't have any books. No, I never said I have any books. Buddy, get your hands off me. I got no books. I'm going to check each and every one of you. And if I don't feel any books, then I would say that's pretty good proof that you don't have them at all. That was his turn. He would use a bonus action, but you're not in combat yet. So you're not going to find out what that is until you get into combat. Okay. So if Glenn throws Ron the book...

under the car can we make the library believe that he's run over the book you know what i thought you were about to say i thought you were about to say to do the fucking scene from um now you see me where we're throwing the book around like the playing card and every time and like every time he's like i gotta put two he's like i gotta go here it's like oh there's a book and then and then one goes behind the back and we catch it there's the book right there oh

Beth, to answer your question, I think you would need to trick him into actually destroying the book, not just like hiding it and making him think that he destroyed it, if I know what you're getting at. So now it is Daryl's turn.

So he let go of you after he fondled you also. Okay, I'm trying to think of like, because Daryl definitely doesn't know what you're trying to do. Unfortunately. I go, well, excuse me. So if you're done searching me and touching my entire body, thank you very much. I think, as you said, Henry made a very good point. We have plenty of time. There's still time to return the books. And frankly, in this world, I've seen people die and come back. I've seen things like, there's got to be a way to get books back from ashes or whatever it is. What ashes? What are you talking about? No.

Henry, he already knows we lied. We know he lied. We know the books are gone. It's fine. We'll find a way to bring them back. We got plenty of stuff to figure it out. Erin here is going to help us. She said she can get books back. No problem. It's not a big deal. So...

Roll persuasion with disadvantage because you admitted that the books are burned. He didn't believe me. That doesn't mean he knows that I lied. How did your roll go? 13. See, Henry's bad at lying and telling the truth. Daryl just tells the truth. He's like, he already knows. I'm telling the truth. All right. His insight check beats your persuasion check.

Once he realizes that the books are actually burned and not coming back to him, a blood vessel in his eye explodes. Man, now it's a red eye. Oh yeah, he's got a pink eye and a red eye now. And blood, much like Mads Mikkelsen in Casino Royale, just begins to start leaking from his tear duct. Le Chiffre. Le Chiffre. That never ended up mattering. It's his tell. It's time to go all in. And he goes like, the books...

Oh, that won't do. That won't do at all. That won't do it. Oh, I love librarians in my day. You are the worst one ever. Period. There must be a punishment for destruction of library property. Oh,

Is that in the rules? You didn't tell us that. I don't need to tell you everything. I don't fucking owe you anything. Fuck off. Okay, so that was your turn trying that persuasion check. We've got one book up here. You're holding onto it right now. Just take it. All right, Glenn, your turn. I'm going to say to him, whatever, man. If you want your book so bad, why don't you take it? He's got one of the books up there. Okay, roll persuasion with disadvantage because he believes that Daryl said they were burned, right? Yeah, he believes that they're burned. Well, he's probably all confused now. There's so much. You walked into the wrong room, motherfucker.

Is that a reference to something you said the last time, too? It's just because my persuasion is pretty good now. So with disadvantage, that's going to be plus persuasion, 17. With disadvantage. My God. All right. He goes like, well, I guess I'll get one book.

So it seems like you burned all but one book, but I'll get my book, you piece of shit. At the end of my action bonus action, I'm just going to sidle up next to Daryl. Okay, Ron. Okay, so is he going to grab whatever's up there? He thinks that there's a book up there. I don't know if that means he's going to pinch his two fingers and pull like you want him to. Okay, so I'm debating between either doing some weird shuddering motion to get him to flinch. Yeah, what if I tick

Tickle his gooch. Yeah, I'm not going to tickle his gooch. The thing that I'm not going to do, actually. If you tickle his gooch, I will give Will advantage on whatever Will does next. That's so weird that you say that because I do not want Will to have any advantage for saying the word gooch. You're going to try to goose him, though, so that he twitches? Is that the idea? Yeah, I think I'll tickle him or something. Back of the knee. Gotta goose him. Yeah.

What is goosing? Putting your thumb up their butt. Whoa, what? Sorry, what? No, that's not goosing. Is that not goosing? I thought that's what goosing was. I thought that's what it was. I thought it was just a pinch. Oh, okay. What is Urban Dictionary? We don't know which version Urban Dictionary is going to say. Yeah, but goosing is like to... I thought it was just like startling someone by poking. I'm at the edge of my seat here on Ron's tickle. Can I see if Ron's going to pull it off or not? Okay, so I'm going to... It's to poke someone between the buttocks.

Sorry. I am going to, in one concise motion... I have some apology emails to write. Like, tickle the back ends of his little spiny legs and then ASMR-ly be like, look hard at the book thing.

All right. Why don't you roll dexterity? Take the little card. Take the book, not take the card. Take the book. It's not a card. He's going to gain like three levels from all of this work. Dexterity. It's going to get wish.

I mean, it would be interesting if he was just like, I wish for the books. I wish you would give me my books. I had 17 plus two. That's 19. Okay. So with the 19, a, you successfully tickle him and he goes like, Ooh, delightful feelings because you did that and rolled so well. And we're stealthy. You can feel as your fingers touch the backs of his knees that like the skin itself is like reaching out to try to grab you, but you've pulled your fingers back just in time. Like,

It was like hungry to latch on to you or something. But you managed to just pull your fingers back just in time. And with that, we are back up to Henry's turn. Okay, I am going to... Hold on, what does this spell do? Oh, never mind. I thought it was going to be something cool and it wasn't.

The D&D story. Oh, no. Incredible. You know they're never going to let us do anything official with them. I mean, they already got Critical Role. What do they need us for? That's true. I know. It's just like, I'm going to be honest. Sometimes I feel like we're like the bad boys of D&D podcasts. Like we're the ones who don't play by the rules. Here's what I'm going to do. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to cast Druidcraft.

And with my druid craft, I'm going to... Is that on the beta yet? Jesus Christ. I like her for druid craft vanilla.

Druidcraft allows me to create an instantaneous harmless sensory effect such as falling leaves, a puff of wind, the sound of a sky. Finally, Druidcraft is useful. Finally, Druidcraft fucking, are you kidding? I'm going to be like, here it is, here's the book, come and get it. And then I'm going to cast Druidcraft to cause the sound of a book fluttering, like its pages fluttering. And I'm going to cast a waft of book smell. Book smell? Fuck, that's really good. Okay, so you're doing a persuasion check again, but now you get to do it with advantage.

I got an 8. An 8 with advantage? With advantage. God fucking damn it. He rolled a 5 insight. Oh, fuck! I love that you let it die so often. I swear to God, he rolled a 5. Holy shit! Oh, boy, I'm so excited. Okay, so he goes like, Ooh, that's Fresh Book smell! Give it to Papa! Give it to me! I'm...

I'm Papa. And so he pinches his fingers down on the deck of many things. So you sort of just feed out like, you know, one card or whatever. Here would be my argument. I think he should draw two like friction wise. You draw the top one and the bottom one and squeeze them out. Okay.

I'll go with that. We're going to get some complaints, but I'm just going to say that I'm aware of it and we're choosing to do it anyway because it's funny. Oh, that you're supposed to call out the number you're drawing. You're supposed to call out the number. So presumably there is some sort of intentionality that must happen for them to pull from the deck of many things. But it's also pretty funny. Yeah. So like, fuck it. Ha ha ha!

I won't let you do this again. This is the last time we get to bamboozle someone. I'm so scared. This could go so bearish. We feel so clever right now, but this could go bear-shaped very quickly. I'm very excited. I did not think we would pull the deck so quickly. They say opposites attract. That's why the Sleep Number Smart Bed is the best bed for couples. You like a bed that feels firm, but they want soft?

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$45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. Seamit Mobile for details. All right, Anthony, come on over here. I have shuffled the deck thoroughly. Cut, and then we're going to replace. Okay, good. And then this is the order. Totally random. And you're grabbing the top, pinching, and then drawing out the top and bottom card. Pinching. Okay. Okay.

All right. We just drew from the deck of many things. Oh, no. Anthony has a very impish. Oh, no. Does he know what they are? I think he must know. Oh, God. He studied it. That's for sure. I'm so fucking scared. Henry opens the door and gets ready to jump. Okay. The first one that he pulled. Okay. So stupid. The dumbest podcast in the world.

Okay, so the first one that he pulled was Throne. And Throne says, you gain proficiency in the persuasion skill. He powered it! And you gain rightful ownership of a small keep somewhere in the world. So somewhere there's a castle that the library owns.

That is currently in the hands of monsters that you have to clear out in order to claim to keep as yours. A new private library. Okay, so I got to write that down. I got to make sure. I love that he's going to have no problem with that. He got charm and real estate so far. And the other card that he drew was gem. 25 pieces of jewelry worth 2,000 gold each appear at his feet. So on Ron's head. Ron gets buried by a bunch of.

50,000 gold worth of jewelry slams onto Ron's skull as it appears right at his feet. Guys, if we kill him, we are so fucking rich. We are so rich if we fucking get rid of the Wi-Fi. And because of the way the deck of many things works, they can never go back into the deck, so Anthony's tearing them up. Anthony's ripping the cards. Wild.

Okay. Now I know why that guy was making slaves pull them, because it's great. We got tested. Now we can go get a keep and the gold if we can kill them. All right. Holy fuck. Well, guys, I tried. There are now two fewer good cards in the deck of many things. The ratio is now drastically against you if you ever actually choose to draw from this thing. But...

Okay, so he pulls those two cards and he sees, well, A, okay, so it literally says gems appear at his feet. So the gems appear at his feet. He looks down, sees the gems, and then also sees Ron. And then he, with his sudden advantage of persuasion, says, like, you should have brought the books back. And you feel deep in your soul that you were correct. He's persuaded you that you should have brought the books back. But I'm the real gem. God!

Ron should be like, how did I get here?

Truly outrageous. Oh, nice gem reference. I just got that. Truly, truly outrageous. Now is the library's turn, and he's just going to grab... He's just going to reach down and grab Ron and... Kill him. Try to kill him. So first of all, he again scratches his eye with the... He loses one attack. He had no response to there not being a book. He doesn't say anything out loud to us. He said you should have brought the books back. Yeah, he could tell you tricked him. He's very unfazed. Yeah, no, he's like, oh, that's not a book.

Unless that's two very small books that are only one page and have no cover. That's not a book at all. Who wrote these books? Todd Noy? Am I right? Oh, man. Everybody should listen to Finding Draco. So he's going to try to attack you, Ron. Okay, so he's going to do...

I don't get a chance to respond at all. No, this is how D&D is supposed to work, where people just roll stuff at you and then you go, oh no, and you realize you have no agency until your turn comes around and you're really bored until then. In the same way they don't get to respond when we attack them. I just have such a good idea. Well, you can do it when your turn comes around. Okay, so you take 13 damage. Oh my god. Oh, we've got the library. It's fine. No problem, guys. For his other attack. Oh.

Okay, he just whiffs that one. But for his bonus action, he's not gonna have to roll for it. It's just a thing he can do. He goes, oh, Daryl, I've missed your taste.

And he opens up his mouth and a tongue like bubble tape like unfurls like a fucking red carpet like unfurls across the ground and wraps like Tex Avery when he sees like a really pretty girl. I definitely must go get a dexterity roll for this. All right. There's a tongue coming at me. I don't I don't try to enroll your adorable dexterity safe. I don't feel like I should roll. He took away the fun of rolling this.

Okay. You're not going to believe me. Freddie. Independently verified. Independently verified. Natural 20. That is straight up cheating. That's two natural 20s and a natural one. That's why I literally had to show it to Freddie. Okay. Well, it's cute. It doesn't matter because your hand immediately, as you begin to jump out of the way, it starts choking you. Your left hand takes control. The eye takes control and it starts choking you. So roll again. That ruins my plan, which was going to be, I was going to try to like chew on the eyeball. So.

19. So I'm just never going to get to do anything. I'm assuming something happens. I'm getting choked. Yeah. Okay. So, okay. So because you say, I forgot this thing in D and D you can do where you can say, but still like something happens. Just not as bad. Okay. So you managed to sort of dodge out of the way and his tongue wraps itself around your good arm. Oh,

Just kind of like, and it begins to do the thing that you have, unfortunately, very familiar feeling to you. And it begins to and speed up. But because you sort of dodge, he doesn't quite get a really good grip on you. Good tongue grip. And so basically what's going to happen is if he gets to his next action without that tongue being removed from your arm, then it'll start up. And then if he goes another turn without it getting removed, then he'll just take your arm off. So that is his turn.

Daryl's getting a cool robot arm, robot arm. Now it is Daryl's turn. Yeah, I'm trying to learn the rules of Dungeon Dragons here to figure out how to fight this. Okay, so it's just choking me. Your eyeball hand is choking you. The other hand is currently being constricted by a tongue. I go into rage. Right. And I go, that's me trying to say something cool, but I can't because I'm getting choked. Did you guys catch that? I didn't catch that. And I flex. I think you said harder. I flex my...

I flex my strong right arm and I turn and I sprint in the other direction and pull like I'm just like a horse pulling a carriage trying to rip his tongue out of his mouth. Great. All right. Give me a strength check. 17 plus two for rage as a 19. You tied.

You both got 19. So it's a tug of war. Yeah, it's a tug of war. Unfortunately, so the tide sort of goes to the person doing the first time the tongue on that one. It's not enough to the tide goes to the defender. Yeah, because you basically you're constricted to your added disadvantage inherently. You'd have to break through. You'd have to be stronger than him. Okay, so but it goes taught essentially, right? It goes taught. Yeah, it's perfectly tight. Tongue is taught and you can see his head gets jerked a little bit forward as you start to pull with all your Daryl might early idea.

All right, Glenn, it is your turn. I want to look at the surface of the tongue. Like, how is it cut? Is it like a belt fed chainsaw? Like, does it, you know what I'm saying? Like, how does the tongue cut? It's like sandpaper. It's like a lot of little small bumps and imperfections. Yeah, it's like a cat's tongue. It's a lot of small bumps and imperfections that you get the feeling that when he cut Daryl's arm off in the first place, it was just through friction and pain and horribleness. So it's like a big belt of sandpaper. Pretty much.

but wet. I see like a kid is done. It's national cat day. Everybody is it? Yeah. Oh my gosh. I didn't even I didn't tell my dad. I need to guys. I need to call my cats guys. Stop the podcast. I need to go home. So Daryl still being choked. His hands not strong enough to really do any. You can't choke himself to death with one hand. So he's not going to take any like damage from it. Really. It's just preventing uses. It's giving him disadvantage. Yeah, I can't use that hand. I'm look at Daryl. I'm back. What? I guess sorry in advance.

I'm gonna try and grab his hand off of his neck and stab through it with my knife. So go ahead and give me a strength check on his hand. Actually, Darryl, give me yours. Ooh, because you rage. So you have a strong hand. So you're going to both oppose strength checks. And Darryl, you want to lose this strength check.

two oh well i mean it's no persuasion nine plus three plus two you try to but it just won't budge as his fingers are dug into his throat uh and just will not i probably understand what he's trying to do so maybe i could just stab his hand though am i out of i mean i feel like just trying to wrench it off is probably just a bonus action it's not huge like it's whatever okay so i'm gonna try and attack his no i'm i

It would be the knife. Or cut the tongue? No, because the tongue is... I might need the tongue. For what? Because if it starts up, I can just push the book into it and it will shred the book. But that would be you destroying the book with his tongue. You need him... We need to be holding the book while he attacks one of us and use the book as like a shield or something.

a really bad shield on purpose. His mouth is open. Like you could throw the book into his mouth. I think that's what he wants though. I think that's returning the book. That's like walking up to the library and throwing it in the mail. Fair enough. If I'm fighting the public library, he calls his mouth the night drop, which is also the name of the strip club next to four nights. The strip club next to four nights is called purples. Yeah.

That's the good loot, right? Yeah, legendary is orange, but it's pretty good. So here's the thing I'm going to do. I'm trying to stab the back of his hand, but I'm going to hold my knife in such a way that...

And if it does damage to myself, it makes sense. I'm not going to hold it all the way so that it's like full four inches of the blade. I'm holding it close. I'm choking up on it so that the full stab, I know my hand will still stop it. So I'm not going to go and like puncture his neck. Okay, go ahead and give me an attack roll. 13 plus six. So 19. Okay, so you hit it. What's the damage of the dagger? 1d4 plus three. Okay, so roll 1d4 plus three and we'll have that and then you'll take half of it and Daryl will take half of it. Okay, so that is one plus three. That's four. So two and two. The hand loosens its grip on your throat because

because it's now impaled. And he goes, and you can feel its fingers like tickling your neck as it freaks out and tries to get away from the knife. Does it affect his eye though? What? Does it affect the library's eye though? It affects his ability to like spy on you, but he's like looking at you right now. I was wondering if it was going to be like if I stabbed his eye, like his actual eye like gets hurt and stuff like that. Oh, because he did get pink eye. He did get pink eye from one eye to the other. It does seem like effects on the eye would affect. So wait, how much damage did he do to me, Frey? I did two. So yeah, he takes that damage as well. Yeah.

Oh, two. Yeah, it's a whole damage. Is he bloodied? It's just not a lot. Yeah. Weirdly, it's just super fragile. A lot of talk. What if you popped the eye out of your hand? That's what I was going to do.

I'm not forgetting I have a fucking extra attack this time. Just so you know, Anthony. This was easy mode. You're lucky the tongue wasn't ripped out. You think we're playing with you? You're playing with us. He recoils in pain from the, I'm not even, he just goes like, ooh, from the two damage you did to his hand. And then he looks at you, Glenn, and he goes, ooh, that won't do at all. Mm. Oh, no. Oh, no.

and his jaw unhinges. So his tongue is fully taut and then his jaw unhinges more? Yeah, it's like Arnold Vosloo and the Mummy. Oh my gosh. And he vomits a torrent of pages of just like individual pieces of paper at you and he's gonna go ahead and roll. So why don't you make a deck save throw, Glenn? Okay.

13. Okay, so you're only going to take half of this. Can Glenn, instead of taking the damage, hold the book up so that the book takes the damage? I feel like pages on pages is not enough. I need something like caustic or puncture. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Basically, this is only stuff that's going to hurt people with skin because I'm calling it thousand cuts. I want clarification on my spirit shield because it says spirit shield lets me reduce somebody's damage within 30 feet of me as a reaction. When do I get reactions?

When it happens. So basically, like, I go like, oh, Freddy takes X damage. You go, no, as a reaction, I make the shield take it instead. Oh, okay. So it's very convenient. I can do this infinitely. What? No. It says, if you are raging and another creature you can see within 30 feet of you takes damage, you can use your reaction to reduce the damage by 2d6.

There's no short rest or anything. It just says I can do that. Holy shit. Is there a timer on your rage? I rage up to one minute. Ten rounds of action. That's an entire combat. Don't worry, guys. You guys are all 2d6 less damage for everything. How does that work mechanically? How are you stopping this damage? I go... Okay, so this is Spirit Shield. So I'm giving you the spirit of having a strong, burly dad with you. I go...

Don't worry, boys. Whatever damage you take, I'm with you in spirit. I'll take it, too. And it's just like a ghost Daryl that shirtless hugs me from behind. Like, what the fuck? Ghost Daryl. What the fuck? Yeah, it's like a combat version of Ghost while you're holding your sword. Big Daryl's behind you holding the sword also. Man, I'm hotter than you.

Unchained melody starts playing. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to call it. It's like hell week. It's coach Daryl. Every time somebody gets damaged, my spiritual is actually me being like, don't worry, guys. Pain's mental. Pain's mental. Come on. That's really mental. So 13. Okay, go ahead and roll your 2d6 for your spirit shield. Okay, minus five.

Okay, so you take seven damage. 13 minus five is eight, my friend. Sorry, you take eight damage. Looks like I'm not Aaron O'Neill. Looks like the math wizard's been, you know. Oh yeah, Aaron O'Neill's here. She's like, ah! Aaron, what are you doing? I mean, I... Help us! All right. I mean, if your book gets destroyed, which we could do, you would be in trouble too. Oh shit, you're right. Oh, I forgot about that. Yeah, for sure, I'm helping. Okay, cool. So she'll go after Ron in the order.

She'll go after Ron. She's going to kill Ron. I'll help the library. All right, Ron, it is your turn. Now I'm like, I want the library. I mean, I want the library to hit me with sort of like a piercing or burning sort of damage so that I may use Glenn's book as a defense mechanism to

Maybe if I get Glenn's book and then I hide again under the library, then he'll step on me with one of his spiny little legs. Oh, yeah. Piercing the book. Or like if he's, because he can't see you, right? Because he's looking out at them. Well, he did see you when the gems appeared at his feet. Yes. Well, if I hide again. Under the gems. Under the gems. Ha ha ha.

Like a McDonald's play place. You could kind of do what I did and hold the book and if he's reaching for you, he might rip the pages of the book out if he's trying to grab you. You'd also have to do a stealth check to get the book to Ron without him realizing that Ron has the book. I hate to just be the lame-o who plays Dungeons and Dragons, but you could like stab him in the cooch. Two damage done to this boss. Okay, I actually want to take my razor sharp business cards and see if I can cut the tongue off.

Great. Ron has spent hours watching YouTube videos of card throwers. Yes. I can throw cards. Wait, for real? Yeah. Not well, but I definitely can. I mean, anyone can throw them. Not well. Good enough that she'll stay on podcast. Give me a card. Give me a card right now. You should have a deck of tally hoes to your left. Beth is demonstrating that she can throw cards.

Wow, that was really good. Holy shit. She almost killed Freddy. Now she's dabbing. That was good enough that when she dabbed, it was cool that she dabbed. That's how cool, that's how well she threw that card. Here, let me go find that card before it's lost forever. No, it's fine. I have burns. It's fine. It's a burner deck. Wow, that was very cool. A burner deck. A burner deck so the cops can't find you. Go ahead and roll an attack against the tongue.

Okay, 15 does it. Great. You toss out your business cards and they successfully managed to slice a little bit into the tongue. Go ahead and roll damage. I did four damage. It cuts into it, takes a pretty good slice out of it. Is it still just protruding out of it? Yeah, actually, yeah. Just it embeds itself inside of his tongue. Like a fucking batarang. Who's on Stampler?

All right, so it's Aaron's turn, and Aaron is going to... I hate to be that guy, but does he get another villain move after Ron? He absolutely does. Thank you. He gets a villain move after every person? Teacher, doesn't he get another villain move? Excuse me? Did you collect the homework? Okay, so he's going to turn to you and vomit pages at you, Ron. So go ahead and give me a Dixitarity saving throw. Not too different than your assistant job, huh? No. Bye.

Oh, man. So I'm doing like a deck save or whatever? Yeah, give me a deck save. Okay, I pull the pants up over my head. Okay. Is it the pants come up over the head or does the head go down into the pants? Questions that we will never know the answer to. You sound like Robert Krolwich there. No, is it the question? Sometimes you're the pants and sometimes you're the man who wears the pants. You know what I'm saying? Yes. Let's see. Dexterity, I got a 19. Wow. Damn.

Wow. Damn. All right, so you're going to take half damage from this. Again, minus the 2d6 from Spirit Shield. Pain's just mental. I love it.

29. So 29 divided by... Basically, you get 15. Minus 6. 9 damage. I'm just doing the math. It's like we take 9 damage after every one of our turns, plus he gets 3 attacks. I guess we gotta get real clever real fucking fast, huh, guys? Aaron's got healing spells. Yes, Aaron has healing spells. What's everybody's HP at right now? I'm at 24. 52. 17. 42. Cool, so I'm definitely going to... Alright, let's see. Aaron O'Neil, more like Aaron O'Heal. We all said that. We all got his pressure. We all said Aaron O'Heal.

Because it's like she's healing us. Hello? Hello, Danny Master? So for her main action, she's going to attack the tongue. She's going to take out her spade and start stabbing at it. Whoa! I hate it when this happens. Sweep the tongue. But the NPC got a natural 20, and that's dumb. What do you mean that's dumb? Yeah, but like... Yay, Aaron! Aaron! Aaron! Aaron! It's like watching two Amiibos fight each other in Smash Bros. right now. All right, so she does...

six damage to it with a crit because it's not very powerful but that's actually incidentally exactly as much as she needed to sever it. She brings down the trowel at the perfect angle that it just manages to perfectly intersect with the cut already made from Ron's business card and it like hammering a spike into a crack in a rock like widens it it just...

manages to split his tongue in two. She cuts the end of his tongue off from Daryl's arm. You expect blood to start shooting out of the tongue where she cut it off, but instead, it's just this weird tan Play-Doh-like substance. It's almost like when you break a stretch Armstrong, that goop that comes out. And the library goes, oh no, not ideal, not ideal at all. And then she turns to you and she goes, thanks for loosening it for me, Ron. And she's going to healing word you with her bonus action. And the healing word is? The healing word of today is lingonberry.

Lingual. So she gives you... She gives me the tongue. She gives you the tongue. Nice. She gives you six HP. Nice. Thanks, Aaron. More like Karen O'Heal because she cares about healing people. You already got your inspiration. Karen O'Heal because she cares about healing Ron. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, boy. I guess get inspiration, you dirty boy. No, I'm not going to take it. You dirty man. Okay, so then with his final action of the turn, he is going to go like, this is impolite. That's impolite. And he opens his mouth toward Aaron. She does not dex save. So she takes a lot of damage. And...

Oof, this is bad. Because as basically what she looks as, the skin of like her children coming at her, a bunch of pages just flurrying at her in this like crazy flood of paper and ink. It cuts her all the fuck up. Oh no! And she falls down and she's down. But Aaron, pain's mental, girl. Pain's mental. Oh right, yeah, go ahead and roll your...

It might be enough. Minus nine. Minus nine? I got four out of five. Okay. She is bleeding really badly. She has little cuts all over herself. She's like the dragon and spirited away after all the pages hit it. And she's like, that did not feel good. I don't feel so good. Mr. Stark. Henry, it is your turn again. Is the tongue still like...

on the ground or did it dissolve? Like the part that got cut off. The part that got cut off is still tied around Daryl's arm. It's not like constricting it. It's just sort of like looped around. Okay, Henry, I've got an idea. Talk to me, Ron. Okay, so what if you use the tongue a la the Basilisk Fang and Chamber of Secrets to destroy the book? I don't fuck with Harry Potter that much, so remind me. I fuck with Harry Potter. So basically like...

It's an element of the library itself that would destroy the book. Destroy the library book. That's interesting. I feel like it would just count as us destroying the book. Yeah, maybe. I mean, if I put a knife in your hand, I grab your hand and then stab Freddy to death with it. I don't get to go like, hey, it was in Matt's hand, everybody. Batman didn't kill him. He just let him fall. He killed him. Yeah, he killed him.

You kill him. Batman murdered a guy in the very first Batman movie. Yeah, very first movie. I will accept him accidentally if you can trick him into destroying it, but he has to be the one that does the thing. It needs to be manslaughter. You need to trick him into manslaughter. I was going to say, I'm in this whip. I'm in this car.

What happens if I floor the gas? Well, I guess it would cause the front. Odyssey is only front two wheel drive, right? It's not four wheel. Correct. The Honda Odyssey, especially the 2013 model, is a front two wheel drive vehicle. So it would kind of just like the tires would spin. And I guess because the tires are sort of flush with his back, they would spin on his back. Is that going to do damage? It'll do a little bit of damage. But if it catches and it actually starts moving forward, then the van will like fall like, you know, over his head off of him.

Could it make him tip over? He's not so big that it'll like move and change the center of gravity. It's like you could do it. It'll do some damage to him. What if I go in reverse? It'll fall on its ass if it falls off rather than falling on its front and potentially destroying the engine. I could really fuck up the van. But you'd be fucking the back of the van rather than the front. If you like drove off the front, you would basically be crashing the van into a tree essentially when it landed. Oh, I see. I see. I see. If we can punch the fucking gas cap of this. There's also no gas in it. You fill it with compliments. That's right. There's no gas in the van. You fill it with Japanese compliments. No! No!

If you punctured the gas can, it would just be like, arigato, arigato. I think this is like not a lateral puzzle, but more like a cut the Gordian knot in half and we need to start fucking this dude up. We need to start fucking this thing up. I don't think we can. I think Andy's trying to tell us very clearly. No, I mean, I'm honestly, I would love for you to like, again, completely stymie my efforts to have you make a normal fight. I'm just trying to figure out what my options are here for fucking it up. But here's my point. Like if it catches, like, is it like a turtle shell?

If the van rips off of him, is that going to damage him? Yeah, I would say so. I mean, the tire will do some damage, and then he's probably forced some of his ferrofluid back up under the undercarriage, and you would rip that off. So, yeah. I'd give you a pretty rowdy amount of damage to do to him if you did that. I put it in reverse and floor the gas. Punch it, Chewie. Okay, the wheels start to spin, and they dig into his weird, amorphous skin. And he's going to roll a constitution to see if his flesh is going to rip or if it's going to sort of stay gelatinous and manage to... Does Odyssey-san get to do an attack roll? Mm-hmm.

Sure. Odyssey's almost doing an attack roll. So it's a nine. So he'll roll constitution. Got an eight. All right. So the wheels, much like that girl's face in Death Proof, the wheels manage to just start stripping up his skin, just pulling it up. Like ribbons of clay. Yeah, just ribbons of the skin start getting like ripping off of its body. Odyssey-san, do your best. Ganbatte. Ganbatte. And more of that goo starts coming out.

And the Odyssey catches with it enough to start reversing off of his back. You can see as the van begins to go back, it like catches for a second. You see that some of his skin is inside the undercarriage of the car. Like his skin was like this weird liquid viscous fluid that like crawled up inside of it or whatever. And it goes back and gravity just starts to slowly, slowly rip that skin off of his back. And so he's going to take, let's say that's 3D12 damage. So you did 30 damage. Yeah, baby. Nice.

And the Odyssey lands, and the Odyssey is going to take... Ooh. So when the Odyssey lands, its rear axle, you hear this, like, croon, and the wheels, like, buckle inward a little bit. The camber! In tow! It may be roadworthy, but it's going to be much worse for wear. I was going to teach Grant how to drive in that car, but a good driving Henry did a lot of damage. You can hear the Odyssey go, which I think means excuse me.

It's not your fault. Why are you saying excuse me? Canonically making Odyssey-san as, like, an anime girl that is constantly shy and, like, is, like, so weird and wrong. By the way, like, when a really attractive horse goes by, the, like, white doors of the Odyssey-san, like, go red. A big giant bubble swam up. Oil starts exploding out of the front. Like, ah, shit.

Wait, what is that? It's like the nosebleed. The nosebleed. Okay. All right. As long as there's the nosebleed. No, no, no. It's a nosebleed. It's a nosebleed. Flashlight tag. It's a nosebleed. Okay. Now it's the library's turn. The library is going to once again spend an action scratching its eye. That pink eye is so useful. Thank God. It's going to spend another action attacking a

I guess it should attack Aaron because Aaron's almost down. Feels like that's a reasonable thing for it to do. No. So the library reaches out and swings with one of its hands and it whiffs and it swings with the other one and successfully backhands her and she flies through the air and when she lands, she is not moving. Oh, shit. Aaron, Aaron, whatever you just took, you're okay. You got minus eight damage on that.

She doesn't respond? Aaron looks back at her and goes, yeah, that's great. I forgot about that shield. I'm okay. You're right. Pain is mental. She's like on the ground. She's like prone. You can see that she has exactly one hit point left. Oh! Whoa! Man, we're not messing around anymore. So with his bonus action, he goes...

You watch as the goop around his tongue begins to coalesce. And actually, as you're looking at his legs, it's like his legs get even skinnier and you can see the skin receding up from his legs as it is redistributed up his body through his chest.

into his mouth and his tongue regrows itself out to its original size. But now he's not going to attack you with it. That was bonus action was to get that back. Now it is Daryl's turn again. His tongue is back. His tongue is back and he has no skin protecting his weird skeleton legs. Now you son of a bitch, you bullying piece of shit. And I take out my ax and

and I charge him, which, by the way, I have fast movement, so he doesn't see this shit coming. I have fast movement, 10 extra speed, and with my two attacks, which I have at all times, which I need to remember, I'm going to go in a just glorious pirouette from one kneecap to the other, just hitting the back of the knee with the axe and spinning and hitting the back of the other knee with an axe. Wow, okay. I'm going to roll that first bad boy.

That's not too great. Eight plus six. So 14 plus two for being enraged. So 16. 16 does it. Okay. So the first knee is going to take seven plus three plus two. So 12 damage. All right. He is bloodied. So you successfully wind up and shatter his left kneecap. He goes, oh no.

Undelightful. And then I spin onto the next knee. Two attacks. Two attacks. Four. No, that's not going to hit. Your axe bounces off of his right kneecap. It's weird because you don't see any blood. You just see this horrible tan goop everywhere. But you can definitely get the sense that there's only so much of that goop to go around and you're doing a lot of damage to the entity that is controlling it. So when I first attack a creature during combat, that's when

my ancestral ability activate. So I feel like what happened is I nailed that first kneecap and as I was spinning like the sun hits my eyes and in the sun I can see my dad George Washington Abraham Lincoln and Coach Taylor and I smile at them and then I whiff the second one.

And they immediately look disappointed. They always distract me. I get nervous when the dads are watching. Do they look like Mount Rushmore? Yes. Like Mount Dadmore in the clouds? Yes. Which means they're all basically spooning. They're so close. And from that point forward, anytime he attacks anybody that's not me, he gets disadvantage. Okay, cool. Yeah.

You gotta drive that car into the thing, man. So because we're in a new round, he gets a different villain action. So he is going to reach down into his gullet with his hands and just like, you can see him rummaging around inside of himself. He goes, let's sit here. Let's sit here. He's Jimmy Stewart. I'll take a Coke if you got one, buddy. And you can see like his fucking hand scrapping the sides of his belly like as he's like finding something and he goes, ah, perfect. And he pulls out a... It's my Tommy gun. He pulls out a very large book. Such a good impression.

And he just opens it around Daryl's head. And he is going to just try to slam it shut around your skull. He's going to just roll attack. Daryl's got a thick skull. So this hits. I have resistance to bludgeoning. Fuck, this is bludgeoning. Yeah, baby. All right, so you'll take half damage from this. Can he hold up the axe? Oh, in the middle of the book. And then it like it destroys the book.

I'm going to say you can't do it this time because you didn't know that's what he was going to do. You didn't have time, but if you keep doing it... That's good shit, though. Okay, so he's going to do 70-12, but it'll be halved because you have resistance. He's going to do 70-12. Oh, I thought you said 70-12. I was like, 80-2? 70-12? 84 damage! Ha ha ha!

I think that's funny. You get into like a real Jabberwock-esque fight. He doesn't live to do damage to you. So,

So you just 26 damage to you. Okay. I got that stone's endurance to every once in a while reduce damage, but I'll just take this. I can block some of that for you. Oh, this is technically like cross majoring some of the bardic abilities, but whatever. It's cool at level six as a reaction. Whenever another creature does an attack roll ability check or damage roll, I can blow a bardic inspiration and reduce it by 1d8. And this is an ability that bards have called cutting words.

Yeah, sure. Take the edge off. Yeah. What do you tell him? What do you say to the library? Wouldn't it be like editing word? Like this manuscript could use a little less. It's a little too heady. Your book was interesting. I want to thank you so much for submitting your manuscript. I said, look at this dingbat. He doesn't even like books. Yeah. Damn. So cutting. He goes, but

I love this very much. And that does a minus seven damage. So how much did I take? So 19. All right. I'm like so good at coming up with like these insults on the fly guys. All right. So Glenn, it is now your turn. So what I could do is I could run to Aaron and be like, no, and make a big show of it. And in that cover of movement, hide the book, honor.

He's either going for Daryl, in which case Daryl should do the axe move. Yes. Or he's going for Aaron, probably, in which case it would be good to have that book on her. Yeah. And I can heal Aaron. So I'm not too worried about Aaron getting killed. So I go, no, Aaron! And I pull from all of my acting skills that I have to try and convince the library that I actually do really care about Aaron. And I don't want...

I love that you have to act to convince somebody that you care about another human being. This is Glenn Close we're talking about, baby. Say how much you love her. Oh my God. Yeah, I really liked... You're a fool. He should get disadvantage on this role. No, as an actor, Matt, I get advantage. No, you get disadvantage and they cancel each other out so it's just a normal role. But just mechanically what I want to do is I want to run over there, do that, and then sneak in the book. Aaron, I really had a fun time hanging out with you last night. What?

Wow, he really cares about her. Hey, that was really cool. Maybe text me sometime.

And then the mechanics I want to try like high like stealth okay hide the book so you're that's gonna be two rolls one after another first one's persuasion or I guess performance performance 12 plus 9 baby 22 successful the library goes like oh young love I guess All right now roll slide of hand to try to hide a pan 14 plus 4 slide of hand glenn's taken some magic classes 18 he's gonna roll perception

He does not see what you do. So what do you do? So I hide the book, basically. Do you tell Aaron what you're doing? She's like, oh, great. You're going to come heal me. Why are you giving me this book? Hold on to this book. Are you stuffing it in her clothes? Aaron, I'd like to put this book on your body, but to hide it. I get it. Yeah, to protect me. So that way it will protect you. Cool. I'm not going to heal you.

I, the second you got over here and then said, so Aaron, I'm gonna, I pretty much, I pretty much assumed healing me was not in the card. So yeah, go ahead and do it. You weirdo. I do. So I just be like, you know, I did browse through the book.

I think we have to get rid of nuclear weapons. The idea that somehow by having nuclear weapons, you make the world a safer place is essentially insane. That's a good point. Yeah, it's a great, it's a great, but I love Kucinich. I've always, I've always loved Kucinich. Anyway, if I'm going to die, I'm really glad I died with Dennis Kucinich's autobiography. Okay, thanks. Okay, so the library will take another villainous action. I'm going to roll to see if he wants to go after Aaron or if he wants to continue fucking with Daryl. Evens will be Daryl. Odds will be Aaron.

So 17, so it's odd. So Aaron. So he takes the book and fucking like Mr. Fantastic goes and his arms begin to extend outward towards Aaron. And then he brings the book up and then smashes it down on her. Oh, this could be. Oh, man.

Oh, no. She only has one HP, so whatever happens. She has 30 HP. If she gets negative 30 HP, she's dead. Oh! Oh, shit. I was going to, like, fucking heal her with my turn. I know, yeah. Okay, well. So we'll just see if 7d12 is going to... Hang on. He gets disadvantage on the attack. He does. He's got to roll again. Thank you, Coach Taylor. Still hits. Okay, so 7d12. Here we go. But minus your 2d6. Minus 2d6. All right.

6, 7, 17, 21, 32. Is that the last one you're rolling? 33, 41. Oh my god. You have to roll at least 11. I only rolled 4. No! Aaron O'Neill! So he brings up the book and...

As he brings it back down. Oh my God. Aaron looks over to Glenn and goes, take care of my tree. And then she realizes who she's talking to. She's like, fuck it. Nevermind. Smoke trees. They'll take care of it. I wish I, God, that's going to be my last word. So I was to you. It's like when Einstein said his last words to a nurse that didn't speak German. That's how wasted her last words are on you.

He brings the book down and with a horrible sickening crunch, just brings it down on her and just annihilates her. But wood products, that's how she would have wanted to go. That's true. That's true, Ron. By being killed with the corpses of her children? No, that's not true, Ron. Maybe the worst way for her to go. And when he brings it back up, you can see that Aaron is not moving. But the silver lining to this is he...

He can see silver lining. Aaron just died. I mean, it's not so. Yeah. The shit lining on the shit cloud was he brings the book back up and he can see right where Glenn put it. The book that he had lent out to you, the Dennis Kucinich autobiography, and he sees that he is crushed it. He's completely bent the spine. I mean, both the book and Aaron spines are basically snapped. He goes, no, no, not the Kucinich autobiography. Oh,

And then he takes the book and he starts to slam it onto his head and he slams it again and again and again and again. And you just see his head like it's just clay. Just begin to like you're just smashing Play-Doh with a science textbook. And he just does do himself. He goes, I'm a rule stickler. You were right. You were right, Daryl. I'm a real rule stickler. And he's a shit and he bashes himself to fucking death for destroying his own property. Is it loud when he does it? Yeah, I would say so. Ron is like,

This is a lie. That's great. Um, uh, Daryl runs over to Aaron. Aaron is dead. There's just, I, I, there's, there's no other way to put, there's no other, uh, no, no, like attack the clones, like 10 minutes long, last words talking to us. No, she just got bludgeoned to fucking death by this thing. The last thing she said was to Freddie was to protect his trees. And he interpreted that as smoke weed every day. So, Oh shit.

Three birds fly over. Oh, shit! Oh, no! To the corpse of the library. Three birds fly over to the corpse of the library, and they begin to peck at the library's eyes. Yes! No!

Yes! Pulling the library's eyes out of its body, pecking and doing everything they can. Henry rushes over to help them. Wait, I don't know if that'll fuck up the spell or not. No, it's fine. It's fine. Yeah, so you help them. You mean we could have had birds helping us this whole time? Yes.

So yeah, you help them scoop out the eyes. I'm just going to give them a roll for this. It still might not work. So they bring the eyes back to Aaron's body and the three birds, as they had done before against Yeet Bigley's uncle, Chad, the previous time that she had been killed. They bring the eyes back to her and they do a little dance to try to resurrect her. Oh, oh, oh, oh. As a reaction, Glenn. Bardic inspiration. Bardic inspiration. Throws it in. Okay. So what are you going to do to inspire to these three birds?

All right. These broken eyes and bring her back to life. All right. So she's got a roll of 15 or higher. I will. Hold on. Let me let me get the results of the one day.

Okay, I'll roll and then you tell me what to add. Okay. I'm sorry. I feel extra bad that we named this character after a real Patreon subscriber. She's on the edge of her seat right now. Enjoy this. You will never care about another piece of fiction for the rest of your life as much as you care about this moment, Aaron O'Neill. Also, if we can't bring Aaron O'Neill back to life, then somebody will knock on your door in seven days and kill you in real life.

I would feel really bad if something like it never. Yeah. Keep milking it. Don't roll yet. Keep milking the suspense. What did you get? What did you get? You tell me first. Okay. I have it. We'll say at the same time. Ready? Three, two, one. 17. She sits back up and goes, oh, oh, oh, oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, that was way worse than last. Shit. Fuck. Oh.

Pain is mental. I just give her a big hug. Erin. Fucking a weed joke. I went out and you were going to fucking big. Fuck. Sorry, I just didn't hear you. Sounds like somebody could use a joint right about now. I'm not going to smoke my children. All plants are my. Oh, you guys are the fucking. You were idiots.

Hey, good news. The library said, also, I realized I had a healing spell I could use. Sorry about that. When I came over. She wheels back her hand as if to slap you, and then she goes, no, actually, wait. And she beckons to the trees from the forest, and you sit there and wait for a full three minutes as the trees walk over, and then one of the trees reaches back with its branch and backhands you and does 2d6 worth of damage. Okay. So he only does four damage to you. It's a pretty weak slap. Mostly leaves.

But Aaron O'Neill lives. And the library doesn't. Guys, you know what this means, right? It means we're rich, baby! It's gonna be alright.

♪ ♪

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Birch as our DM. Will Campos as Henry Oak. Beth May as Ron Stampler and myself. Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is a little ditty called All Right by Max and Waller. Special thanks this week to all of our Patreon supporters for helping make this show possible, but especially thanks to Kelsey Day, Dylan Caudill, Aaliyah Shuford, Rabble, and Jonathan Stevens. Those folks definitely listened to The Witch is Dead.

before this episode came on. I hope you did too if you're not a Patreon supporter. We do all kinds of cool one-shots and have all kinds of good clean fun on our Patreon. For example, this Thursday, part two of At the Mountains of Dadness, the prequel miniseries called Cthulhu Campaign is releasing, which features some of the tensest gameplay we've engaged in thus far.

That's available to Patreon supporters at all levels. And if you like the creepy body horror of the library, I think you'll really like this mini series. Also, we are moments away from getting a merch store finally up and running. And just like Disneyland, we're opening up access to the merch store early to our Patreon supporters. That analogy doesn't work.

Disneyland doesn't have a Patreon. So if you want the first crack at the first run of dad merch, please consider supporting us at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads and stay tuned very soon on our social media and right here for where that merch store is going to be. Oh yeah, social media. Everyone's got those. Dungeons and Dads on Twitter. Bit.ly slash Dungeon Dads for a private Facebook group.

r slash dungeonsanddaddies for that subreddit and bit.ly slash dadgut, all caps for the group transcription project. Thanks so much for listening. Next episode coming at you November 26th. That's just before American Thanksgiving. And before I go, FAST is an acronym to help detect and enhance responsiveness for the needs of a person having a stroke, which stands for facial drooping, arm weakness, speech difficulties, and time to call emergency services. There was a time when

I want clarification on my spirit shield. How about you get clarification on sitting in front of your fucking mic? Oh my God. Do you remember when we were a family? You have to keep that in now. Thank you, Beth. Suddenly it became Geordie Shore over here. Blow you slack.

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