Ep. 17 - FATHERUNKNOWN'S DADDLEGROUNDS 01:12:20

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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Previously on Dungeons and Daddies. As you put out your hand to shake it, he takes out a slip of paper from his robe, puts it under your hand, and then before you can pull away, he takes out a dagger and cuts your hand. The pact is made. If any one of you should meet Grant, all of your lives will end. As you go into the sky, you begin to fall asleep. And then when you wake up, you see Grant. Oh my God! And he wakes up and he goes like, Dad? Dad?

The question I was going to ask you when I saw you was, where are we dropping? It's Four Knights. Four Knights. Oh my god! Are you kidding me? Four Knights. The following takes place between Godswake and Thulsun. Events occur in Daddy Master time.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, occasionally a BDSM podcast. Most of the other time, a Dungeons and Dragons podcast about four dads flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bard superstar dad. And since we're in the world of Fortnite now, this week's dad fact for Glenn, his favorite game, Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2, baby! Yes!

Him and me both. The king of all video games. Lights out, Gorilla Radio. It doesn't have fucking Superman by Goldfinger. No, but you can do a Christ Air, which is similar. You can do that in a lot of them, though. They figured out pretty early in the Tony Hawk series that Christ Air is the most important move. We need to put this in all the games. You know that, right? All I want to do is air walk, dark slide, and Christ Air.

And take your money. It's on my resume. It breaks my heart a little bit that Thippus 2 gets all the love. And where's the love for Thippus 3 with Darth Maul? Thippus 3 with Darth Maul. Darth Maul was in it. Darth Maul and Wolverine. Oh, yeah. The levels got too big, though. Someone needs to make like a one page like Tony Hawk pro skater like pen and paper RPG. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. That sounds good. Your quest giver Bam Margera approaches you in a tavern.

He says, we need to go punk my dad. I need five holy icons. The S, the K, the A, the T, and the E. I'd like to roll for Christ's air. I'd like to perceive the hidden tape. Holy shit.

All right, we're doing it. Yeah. Fuck everything else about it. All right, that's the new, that's actually, that should be the, that's a, that's our stretch goal. That's our new victory on stretch goal. Is a fucking thug 2D. That's the podcast. This podcast is canceled. You're fucking radical 80s kids. My name is Matt Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who's now a barbarian in the Forgotten Realms.

Um, since we're in the world of fortnight, I figured we should explain Daryl's relationship to it. So my dad fact is obviously Daryl just wants to kind of, you know, engage in whatever sort of sport or activity grants in. That's why he, that's why he learned, you know, that's why he, you know, met up with the Chelsea boys, et cetera. So of course, when he heard about this fortnight, he had to go figure out what it was.

Grant plays on his computer. So one day when he was at school, Daryl went onto his computer to figure out how to play Fortnite. And he went to the Fortnite Reddit and put a post on there as Grant. And this is what he wrote. Oh, my God. As Grant? He doesn't know. He just went to Fortnite. He doesn't know he's logged on. He just went to Fortnite. But it's me. I'm...

I'm the one typing. So I did some homework, and this is what he wrote. He went on to the Fortnite race and said the topic was how to play Fortnite. Just want to play. And he wrote, hello, everyone. My name is Daryl Wilson. Really nice to meet you. Or should I say E-meet you all? I am a 42-year-old man with a son named Grant.

Like most of you kiddos, he loves the Fortnite. And while I know a thing or two about sports, this bad boy's new to me. If any of you experts could give me some tips or ideas for a first timer, that'd be great. First and foremost, someone could just explain how to start the game. That would be great too. Talk soon. And then he signed off with his email address. Oh my God.

So since then, he's never figured out how to play Fortnite. That's all he pretty much knows. He never figured out. Grant found out that he posted this. Got really upset, and he just continuously gets emails from 12-year-olds calling him horrible. Like what 12-year-olds would say. Has Daryl ever been on our relationships? Because I feel like he might have posted there, too. Not yet. Probably soon. Daryl has definitely been there on our throwaway account. Yeah.

Oh, this lady sounds just like my wife. Yeah. No, she can't be. She's too upset. Now I'm picturing like a shop around the corner situation where you're giving Carol like advice on her relationship with you. Um,

What's up, everyone? I'm Will Campos. I play Henry Oak, Birkenstock Rockin', hippie, crunchy, munchy, granola-eating nature dad slash druid. I'm hard deep into the third coffee of the night. I'm ready to go. I'm holding my laptop out like it's the fucking Ten Commandments. Fuck!

Fun fact about Henry this week. We never talk about pets. Like, what's people's pet situation? Like, I figure Glenn's got a big iguana or a snake of some kind. Why had that dog that great? Oh, I don't remember that. I don't pay attention. I don't listen to this podcast. So Henry's family, the Oaks, have three pets. Oh, wow. They have a goat named Earth. Yes. I'm leaving. They have a bird named Cloud.

And they have a dog named Laser Wolf Fart Blaster. Henry named that one, huh? Yeah, tell the story. So Henry named the goat, and then Mercedes named the bird, and then Lark and Sparrow got to name the dog. And Lark wanted to name him Laser Wolf, and Sparrow wanted to name him Fart Blaster. And Henry was really proud of his boys. They came to a compromise. And then dog's name is Laser Wolf Fart Blaster. So...

It's a golden doodle. Yes. Oh my gosh. I want the goat and the golden doodle.

I was just so obsessed with the golden doodle, I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Beth May, and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Since we're doing this in the Fortnite universe, I should clarify that I know absolutely nothing about Fortnite. I don't even know what it looks like when it's being played. I have no idea, like, any of the characters or whatever, or if there even are characters. That's adorable. It's like, I'm like a millennial being like, what is Facebook? I don't know. But...

The dad fact that I have this week is that Ron has never had a cavity. Whoa. Yeah. Does he brush his teeth? Yeah. No, no, no. He brushes his teeth. Like maybe he has had a cavity, but he probably thinks that like cavity is like an extra butthole or something. Like he like thinks that it's like a cavity. Like he doesn't think that it's like a tooth thing. Fucking wild card. Okay.

Does he go to the dentist? I'm not entirely... So he doesn't know if he's had a cavity? I mean, I think he's pretty sure. Like, he knows. He's like, if I had another cavity, I'd know. Yeah, he knows. But has he gone to the dentist? He hears other people talking about how many cavities they had, and he's like, oh, oh. Yeah. I just want to understand it. Well, okay, I feel like he goes to the dentist, and he's like, can I get a cavity search? And then, like, it's just not, like... I see. Yeah. Sir, you need to leave. Yeah.

Sir, this is a Whole Foods. He asks if he has an extra butthole at the dentist. He goes to the dentist and asks for a cavity search. And they like poke around his mouth and say, you have no cavity. He said, you do have cavity. And he goes, oh, I guess that means I have an extra butthole. And then he leaves. Well, like he doesn't have one. So obviously, yeah, he doesn't. Good point. Good point.

I do have an extra butthole. I don't know why that broke me. It's like maybe not the weirdest thing Ron has come up with. No, I think that is. All right. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your daddy master. I am at a loss after the cavity thing. How many buttholes do you have? Counting you guys. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

You all were basically going to get ready for the big competition for nights. And you went and talked to Geralt of trivia and you got some cool items. And then you checked out the library and found out, uh, after Daryl got his hand licked off and then reattached, uh,

Aaron O'Neill sort of disappeared. You were going to... Yeah, so really, yeah, I want to just point out really quick, there must be something about the Bullywogs restroom situation, the way it's laid out, because we've now abandoned both MPAA at the previous Bullywogs, and now Aaron O'Neill at this one? Well, no, but Aaron O'Neill came with us to hide the Honda Odyssey, because remember, we parked the Honda Odyssey, and then her magic trees covered the Odyssey. So I guess she was just hanging back then. Is that the... With the Odyssey? Yeah, the...

She didn't join us on the... Or she liked the Bullywog so much that she went back. Look, Anthony doesn't forget things. He's like J.J. Abrams. Everything that's happened is setting up... There's going to be an explanation as to why they disappeared. I will say it did not occur to me, and I think all the dads just straight up forgot that Aaron O'Neill was part of the adventure. I'm very glad she didn't go with you because...

she knows stuff. Like, she's like an intelligent character who understands the world and the fewer of those that are around you guys, the better things tend to go as a podcast. Both she and MPA are like, oh, you guys are dicks. But the more pressing and immediate issue is that you got into the carriage that led up into the sky and when you woke up, Grant was there. So that means that you now have 24 hours to strip him of his flesh and eat it. Shh.

or else all of you die. But you also remember having talked to Aaron O'Neill about it and done some research that if you can change his inherent nature, like if he turns from a boy into a man or a man into a werewolf or whatever the fuck you get out of it, if he's undead or whatever, there's some ways that you've researched to maybe get around this. Either way, the clock is now ticking. And as you are sailing through the sky, Grant's like, so yeah, do you have any questions about this? Because like, this is my second one of these. And I am

Pretty good at it. I hug him again. I quickly pull out. I take a coin out of my pocket and I scratch on my watch exactly the time that it is in that moment. And I look around and I'm like, we have 24 hours, guys. You understand? 24 hours. Grant, hey, everything's fine, buddy. How's it going? What?

I'm fine. What happened to your watch? I try not to cry, and I hug him. I go, oh, nothing, man. Just really happy to see you, buddy. Are you actually crying? No, no, no, no, man. What are we doing here? What are we doing? Daryl, it's okay to cry. I mean, it's a pretty intense situation. We got 24 hours we can cry after. I believe there'll be a lot of that if something happens. I feel like the questions are wasting time when you have to kill him in like 24 hours. Whoa, whoa, wait, what?

Sorry, what? Okay, so I'm not sure if I have this straight. Because actually, okay, you don't look... I put my hand on Ron's mouth. Gently. No, I stopped him from talking. And he's like, no, we just came from a really crazy place. We got to be back in 24 hours. Roll deception.

That's an 11. Okay, he's going to roll insight, I guess. Be dumb, Grant. How well does he know me? He believes you. Yeah, we just played this trivia game and we owe some guys some cash. We were a little short on it, you know, this new world and everything. Well, hopefully before the 24 hours, we are also going to...

figure out how not to... Dad huddle, dad huddle. Real quick, dad huddle. By the way, I love how we're inadvertently stumbling into one of the legitimate Fortnite strategies, which is wait until the end when the thing boots you out automatically. Okay, dad... Ron, can we not stress out Grant right now? I'm not... Look, he acts tough. He is a tough kid, but can we not tell him what's going to happen? One, I should be the one to tell him if that's going to be the case, okay?

Tell him what? You know what. I don't want to say it right now either because it's tough for me to say. Okay, I completely understand. Ron, you often have said you're going to do one thing.

And I'm not calling you a liar. I don't think you're doing it on purpose, but sometimes immediately afterwards, you do the other thing. I'm not going to do the other, whatever the other thing. Okay. You know, when I need to remember something, I associate it with a name or word. So maybe when you see Grant, you'll think Grant, and then you'll say G, because Grant's name starts with a G. And then you'll think to yourself, G, I better not tell him about the blood pact where we have to eat his face. And then you don't eat his face.

Do you think you could follow that? I think I could. Yeah. Okay, so let's say I'm Grant, and then you look at me, and what do you think? Grant starts with a G. Good. Good is what your skin would taste like. We'll work on it. Grant. Yeah, yeah, what's up? You said you've done this before? Yeah. What is this? This is Four Nights, F-O-R-

Yeah, the video game you like. Yeah. It's a really neat coincidence. It was super, super cool. Because, yeah, I got bought as a slave. I was like, oh, no, that's not good. But then they brought me here. And apparently, they used to have some other sort of ways of entertaining people. But then they adopted this whole Fortnite kind of thing. And they threw me in here. And I don't even have to kill people. I haven't killed anybody. You just have to survive until the top five. That makes one of us. Oh, God. Wait, what? We've done a lot trying to find you. Oh, okay.

It's been tough. Are you okay? We don't like to talk about it. We killed a lot of people. Yeah, you remember Ron, right? Yeah, the weird guy. Is he still weird? He feels like he's still weird. You know what? He's a little different from all of us, but we've all worked really hard, and I got to say, without these three guys, we wouldn't be here with you. Yeah, and you look nothing like your police sketch. What?

So he like just cuts his head. You and then like shakes it. I don't even know. I'm not going to do it. So Grant, let me ask you a question. Yeah. For quickly, though, is that like a Nintendo? You know what?

Yes, it is a Nintendo. Imagine it is the most, it is the biggest Nintendo that there is. I remember there was this YouTube channel that my beautiful boys Lark and Sparrow were into where they would do these silly videos where people would be like in a video game, but it was in real life. And so you're saying this is kind of like one of those YouTube channels that were really successful, you know, about four or five years ago. Maybe even a little longer back farther back. Yeah.

I would say this is exactly that. That's what's happening right now. So let me, as quickly as I can, explain the way that Fortnite works to you because I feel like everybody except for... Wait, can you use the Rosebud cheat code?

The what? Rosebud. Well, it's like if you're playing a video game, but you're real life, it's like The Sims. There's a video game called The Sims. And then if you want more, if you want to win, you just type in Rosebud. Anthony is really getting broken by that right now. Oh, I just fucking, oh, that's such a good deep cut for like Sims fans. Sims fans are fucking loving that shit. This one goes out to all my Sims fans out there.

I see you. So Grant has never played The Sims. He's like, I don't understand. No, there's no cheat. Okay, so the way that this game works is, so there's 20 teams. If we can make it to the top five, we survive. So the first time you got in the top five? Yeah, first time I got in the top five, I just sort of hid a lot. It was great. And there was this other team that helped me that was really, as he mentions the other team, he just like kind of gets flustered. He's like, they were great too. They were really cool. My boy, top five, everybody.

Yeah. Good job, Grant. I was number five. Oh, that's not. We'll try to do better this time. That's still good. No, that's still good. I mean, that's fine. Yeah. It's better than the other 15.

Yeah, no, I mean, yeah, they're dead now. So yeah, that makes what? So yeah, if you're in the bottom 15, you die and you're allowed to kill each other and stuff to make sure that you're in the top five and all that kind of stuff. So basically, the way that it works is there are 10 zones that we've already coasted past about five of them while we've been talking A through J. Anytime you want to. We started at A. We're now around like F. We can jump out of the carriage and land.

And every zone has like a main building or a location that has a lot of stuff in it. And we can search for stuff in that location. And the items we find might be really, really useful or really, really rare, any of that kind of stuff. And then every 15 minutes of like real us talking in podcast time to the zones will get targeted as, hey, in 15 minutes from from that point, they will get filled with poison gas and anybody inside it will start taking damage over time.

It's either a poison or it's like a weird neon thing. I really can't tell because I haven't ever been stuck in it because I'm good at moving every time that one of those turns on. As it goes on, eventually it'll get down to either when only five teams are left, all those people get to live and then they get to go on to the next game of four nights tomorrow, essentially. How do we get out of here? If we win, can we leave? Yeah, yeah. If we get in the top five, we can leave no problem. So what are you doing? Why are you here?

Because it's fun as heck. That's so dangerous. I mean, not if you play the way I play. I've played a lot of Fortnite. You've seen the John Wick skin that I have. I have the John Wick skin. Son, but you've seen people die.

No. I mean, I've heard of it. You hear about it when somebody dies, like the announcers in the hot air balloon announced, but I haven't seen it happen. That would be a bummer. They go, m-m-m-monster kill. Yeah, pretty much. And if we do this, then we can get the thing we need to do the thing we need to do, right? Yeah, I mean, how long does this game take? This game takes one day. Every game is 24 hours. Wait, you think 24 hours? Yeah. Oh, cool, cool. We got plenty of time. Why don't they call it four day? Pfft.

Because it was originally a tournament for knights, and then they eventually ran out of knights because the knights started dying, and then they extended it to like four knights and people that we capture and slaves, and it got kind of dark, but they kept the name Four Knights because it just rang off the tongue so well. It's one of those names that doesn't have anything to do with what it ended up being because originally... All right, all right. We should drop. We need to drop. Okay, okay. Do you want me to tell you what the remaining places we could drop in are? What is this drop? What are we dropping? Oh, you'll see. It'll be fine. It's fine. It'll be a neat surprise.

So the zones are A for armory, B bomb maker, C cafeteria, D deli slash slaughterhouse, E has an egg farm, F is fucking shit ass toilet building, G has a tavern, H has a haberdashery, I has an ice cream shop, and J has a jewel cutters. So we go to one of these places. The locations are slowly going to fill up with gas and we're trying to survive and not get killed until we're one of the top five teams that are left. Grant, buddy...

You're the coach on this one. We're your team. You've done this before. I think you tell us where we should drop. Does ice cream have actual ice cream? It does, but you got to get to it quick or it just kind of melts and like everybody gets ice cream can get kind of rowdy because they sometimes take kids from the unfortunate foster children and then those kids go straight for the ice cream and it's a real I've heard it's a real bloodbath. So a bunch of

foster children die in this game? Yeah, this one time. Oh my gosh. It's not great. I mean, I don't approve of their business practices, but like... Okay, we're going to deal with that once we're done with this, because I'm... Just so you know, you see, like, on Grant's face, you see a very particular kind of, like,

and like excitement that is a little bit alien to you. This isn't like, hey, I'm having fun playing soccer joy. There's like something else here that you haven't seen before. Like the thrill of battle. I don't know. Maybe you'll find out. Maybe you'll find out. But he goes like, I feel like we could drop at the tavern in G, the pub G. Oh God almighty.

Because sometimes there's like a rifle there. And you know your old man likes the brewskis. And the brewskis, yeah. Let's drop Tavern. Okay, I have more questions, but I'll figure them out after we drop. Yeah, I have more to explain anyway, but we'll break it up with some action. So drop is like when the beat hits. He goes, no, it's like this. And he jumps out of the carriage with his arm like in a Christ air pose. I leap instantly after him, panicked. Go ahead and roll acrobatics.

That, my friends, is a natural 20. Oh, perfect. So you dive out and you immediately put him in a bear hug and the two of you are just plummeting down together. Roll a perception with disadvantage. That's a natural one. Everything's fine. So as you two are plummeting down, he goes, Dad, you have to let go.

It's going to be really bad if you don't let go. What do you mean? What are we doing? We're falling. No, we're going to get it'll be fine, but you have to let go. You have to give me some space like like that. OK, like do we have parachutes? Yes.

Okay, you let go first. I can't not let go. You've had me in a bear hug. Okay, okay. I'm not letting go, but I'm saying I'm letting go. Okay, any time. We literally have three, six, five. Okay, I let go. Okay, so you let go, and as you both let go, and I assume, are you guys just still in the carriage, or did you jump out? I'm waiting to see whether these guys are going to turn into freaking street pizza when they hit the ground. Okay, well, if you wait, you will drop into a different zone. I jump out feet first. Okay, so anybody who's got to stick together, I'm going to grab Henry and jump out with him. I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of heights! So you guys who just jumped out see beneath you, you see the Wilson boys simultaneously like massive translucent jellyfish just sprout out from their clothing basically and like poof and like inflate and their descent slows precipitously. Grant goes like, yeah, when we fall asleep, these like things just like attach to our bodies and then they'll leave when we land. But like, it's cool, right? Like this is cool. That's pretty weird. This is scary.

Your dad doesn't like heights. He's like, oh, no, this is going to be great. This is going to be great. As long as you're over here, son, get a little closer. He goes, no, because then they might tangle up and then it would be bad. Okay. So then the rest of you, your jellyfish also expand and you all start slowly start dripping down. Are they like little sentient jellyfish? I want to talk to mine. I'm like, hey, what's up, little dudes? Yeah, dig it.

Great. Are people dropping with us? Should we be looking? Yeah. So as you look around, you can see there are a lot of people dropping at the armory. You can already hear a lot of swords clashing and a lot of people punching each other and shit like that. The clear sounds on this winter morning of people punching each other. Fucking Shaw Brothers like sound effects.

At the deli slash slaughterhouse, you can already see people beginning to build structures out of wood. Like somebody's building a tower just straight up and Grant points and he goes like, I'll explain how that works when we land. But we can do that too. We can build stuff. Hell yeah. You didn't tell me there's carpentry up in here. Yeah, no, I thought you might like that. I think Ron doesn't think that he has a jellyfish and he's like, all these other people need jellyfish to float down, but I can do it naturally. Yeah.

But seemingly nobody is going to the PUBG, so it seems like you're fine there. When you land, the PUBG is, it looks like a very functional pub. Visually, there's very little that inspires you. It's kind of bland. It's kind of boring looking. But you can tell the purpose of the place, which is this place to get drinks. From far away, its textures seem a little blurry. It's a little blurry. But as we go closer, they kind of slide into resolution. But it's still kind of brown and green. It's not really exciting all that much. Are there a bunch of knockoff pubs all around? Yeah. Yeah.

There's the detritus of failed knockoff pubs all around. There's an H1Z1 zone. That one's not funny. Delete that. Nope. It's staying in. Ugh, gross. But yeah, it's a rundown pub that you can tell has a lot of alcohol behind the bar. It might have some other stuff in the area behind the bar. There might be an office back there. You don't know, but you'd have to search. And Grant goes, okay, do you want to explain everything else? The way this works? Yes, please. So mechanically, here's what we can do. So when you were at a spot,

You can roll to either look for items or you can roll to forage for crafting materials. Can we split up and do that or as a group? Each of you can individually do that. So if you're searching for stuff, you basically just roll. And if you get a good D20 roll, then you get an item that is appropriate to that location, depending on how good the roll is. If you roll to forage for wood, then you roll a D20 and you get that much wood.

Or you can have that role and we can say that's how much stone you've got. Clever. Clever guy. And when you build stuff out of wood, it's easier to destroy than stuff you build out of stone or whatever. Basically, the stuff that you can build, it'll be variable depending on how clever you want to get. But the basic things I wrote down here was it costs five wood to build a wall or five stone to build a wall.

10 to build a house and 30 to build like a tower that allow you to look out and stuff. So hell yeah, you can either collect the shit and then try to build later, build a tier so you can get better vantage points and shit like that. But you have I'm now going to start a timer. We have 15 minutes of real life podcast time before we find out which areas are getting closed. Yes, I'm going to roll to the tens basically. And then those are going to get 15 minutes from the point where I announced that they will get gassed.

And also, every time you search for something, I'm going to roll on an encounter table. And you might run into other players. Whoa. All right. All right. Grant, any beginner strats here? Any ideas what we should do? Well, when I was playing, I was just alone. Well, until I met the hotties. But like, who are the hotties? I mean, maybe we'll run into them. I don't know. I really hope we run into them. But maybe we won't. Maybe we won't. I don't know. Why are you calling them the hotties there? That's what they're called. Oh, I guess we should come up with a name for our group. Because every group that's in here has their name. Yeah. Uh.

Are we the naughties? The hotties and the naughties. What does Grant think of that name? I mean, I guess. Does he lead you? I don't really understand. No, let's not talk about the naughties. Henry was so stunned by that deep pole reference to that Paris Hilton movie from forever ago that he couldn't say anything.

What about the Knights? The Knights? That seems, I mean, they're all probably taken. What if we're like the Knights and then our birthday or like a fun number, you know, like that might not be taken. What if we're the Knights 42? The easiest one might be the Glenn Close quintet.

Or we could just be doodlers, I guess. What about the doodlers? The doodlers. All right, go doodlers. We're the doodlers. All right, great. We'll be the doodlers. And if doodlers is taken, doodlers 42. I can promise you that doodlers is not taken. Can you just check really quick if it's been taken? All right, so he looks up. As he looks up, you follow his gaze and you see a hot air balloon with... There's no need to get clever about this. It is exactly the two-headed pod race announcer from episode one watching the game.

Going, all right, well, let's buy some stuff. That's very good. Oh, wow, yes. We are getting to that hot air balloon and we are getting their autograph.

Looks like we've got about half of the teams down, and if my incredibly good hearing is any indication, looks like this new group of weirdos is called the Doodlers. Let's hear a shout-out from the Doodlers. Doodlers, go ahead and make yourself known. Let us hear your sound. Hi, I'm Ron. Go Doodlers 42! Go Doodlers. Hey, hey, is there a team, the Hotties? My son knows a team, the Hotties. Ooh, the Hotties are most certainly in the running. Are they nearby?

He goes, oh, I can't tell you that. That would be breaching of the rules. Could you imagine? Sorry. Could you just imagine going to a basketball game and like LeBron stops and starts talking to the announcers? Because that's what's happening here. Hey, are the Bulls playing? Hey! I like that you call me LeBron.

All right. Well, like, again, okay, so clearly, guys, my son's got a little something for somebody. This should be nice. All right. Well, hopefully we'll find that we will not kill the hotties when they show up, everybody, right? But what should we do here? I do want to point out before we move on that the name of the two-headed Phantom Menace announcer is Fodesonbead and Nodoo. Nodoo. Nodoo. Fodesonbead and Nodoo. There's no way I'm remembering that. Oh, it's Greg Proops played one of the heads. And there goes Quadradero's power coupling. No. Man.

I'm screaming. We're doing 15 minutes real time, right? Yeah, you have nine minutes and 22 seconds left. Guys, team. All right. Grant, it sounds like you're alone the first time. I don't mean to take over for a second, but I think we got to do this thing. Here's what I would propose. Looks like we already got a fort kind of built out here and there's nobody else around, correct? Everybody scan the room. Any other bad guys? Anybody here? Give me some perception checks.

19. All right, you can immediately tell that, yeah, like for right now, you have enough time to like do one search without having to worry about a roll on the encounter table. Here's a little carpentry. Don't build shit you already have. Looks like we got a bunch of walls here already. We can just cut. Measure once, cut twice. Oh, shit. Dude, you just got dead. No, it's measure twice. It's measure twice, cut once. You cut twice. Double dead lawyer. What?

Objection overruled. You measure once and you just cut it multiple times again. Fucking reversal. Even I was like, what? Wait, no, it's measure once, cut twice. No, it's not. You measure twice to double check the measurement. So you only have to cut once. What are you talking about? Why would you cut twice? Yeah, there's no reason. What are you going to cut twice? Yeah, once you've cut it, you cut it.

Like two cuts, though. I'm sorry. This was in character Grant saying this. You prepare longer. Both Glenn and Freddie are like, um, but if you can get two cuts out of one measurement, how much more efficient is that? What do you mean? What? Two cuts? What the fuck are you talking about? You only need to measure once and then you can get two cuts. Because

You're measuring something so that you can cut. You have a two by four and you need to cut it in half. So you measure the two by four and you want to make sure you cut it directly in half. So then you fucking measure it. And then to make sure you measured it right, you measure it again because you can only cut that board once to do what you want to do. And then you start it again. And then...

So inefficient. What are you talking about? You have officially used up the grace period you had for not having somebody come up for the encounter table when you search. All right, quiet. Team, I feel like eventually we're going to find out this place is or is not the place we can stay in. Right, Grant? Yeah, in about seven minutes. Let's search. Let's do our best. Some of us search. Why don't you all search? I'll get some materials. I'll board up these windows. You guys find some good items. I want some wood.

Ron, you want to barb the windows with me? I just want the wood. For what? To have wood. No. For my wood collection.

No, I... For my wood collection. Ron, go ahead and look for wood, and then... I'm gonna search this bar, because that's where I feel most at home. Go ahead and roll investigation. Okay, hold on one second. 15. The inside of the bar is very dusty. There's some chairs that have been knocked over. It feels like this place has definitely seen some fights, but not recently. This looks like one of maybe the most popular bars in the world. Yeah, it was at a time, and then it seems like, I don't know, it seems like not that many people go into it these days anymore. Like Applebee's. LAUGHTER

And behind the bar, you find two pristine, still sealed bottles of what you can just by smell tell is an extremely flammable type of alcohol. It's like Molotov cocktails. That would definitely work very well as Molotov cocktails. Very good. Which will basically give you double damage on wood structures that other players have made. I'm going to roll for, I guess, wood is what you do? Yeah, so you just roll a d20 and that's how much wood you get.

14. Oh wow, so you got 14 wood which is enough to make like a house or in this economy Or like two and a half walls or like whatever that's what's the stone thing The stone thing is if you have it you get that much stone to get seven stone instead of 14 wood Okay, are you gonna go for wood or stone? I'm gonna go with stone. Okay, so go ahead mark that down that you have seven So I'm gonna search for some wood too. Huzzah

I got a 16. Oh, wow. That is a lot of fucking wood. Maybe we should convert that to some stone. I'm going to invest in a stone heavy portfolio. I like it, Henry. We're getting a lot of stone here. We're going to need that. As a geologist, I'm more interested in the stone than in the woods. So I collect some neat rocks. Grant, how much stone do we need to build a tower? We would need 30 stone. Guys, we're going to freaking build a gosh darn stone tower by the end of this thing. You got it. Hey, Daryl, check it out. I found a geode.

All right, so Ron. I'm going to roll for wood. I got 15 woods. All right, go ahead and mark that down. What do you get for us, buddy? Ron? I mean, it's not really for you. What do you get there? A bunch of wood? Yeah, it's wood. Dude, that's a lot of wood. High five, man. Great job. Thank you. You're the best member of this team. Without you, we would not be able to do this. Am I right? Everybody, congratulate Ron on how much wood he got.

Thanks, guys. Hell yeah! I don't know if I want to... Good job, Ron. He's really weird. I was actually thinking about, like, you know, if we want to distract whoever is coming to visit us, we could put the wood in the corner and then put the holographic pants on the wood so that it looked like one of us was in the corner ready to pounce on them, but we'll be in the other corner ready to pounce. Holy shit. Did you somehow come up with an actual use for holographic pants? Well, I mean, it's mostly a use for wood. Ha ha.

I've been thinking a lot about another creative art space slash performance area that I've been to once or twice in my day called Burning Man.

And this reminds me a little bit of Burning Man and the people kind of running around. There's not a lot of rules. People making crazy builds and stuff. And I was thinking, what if we built like a giant thing? Like a big orgy tent. Like maybe like a big man. A big man. What if we built a huge man and then we could put the pants on him and just scare the shit out of everybody? And then we could like light it on fire and then maybe like people would be drawn to it because they'd be like, something's got to be going down over there. Yeah, so it's like,

Sounds like the pants are kind of redundant in that situation. It's like pants on fire. We'll call it pants on fire. We'll call it pants on fire, the sequel to Burning Man. Yeah. Because if you just saw a big wood man, you'd be like, those guys built a big wood man. But if he had huge pants on, maybe people would think like there's a giant. Could we make people think that there's like an orgy tent nearby? Hey, Grant, just to clarify, people do die in this, right? Uh-huh. So we should take this seriously. Yeah.

Yeah, you're right. Maybe you should trade your stone for wood. All right. Fair enough. I'm just trying to spitball here. I've never been in a Nintendo like this before. I do like this idea, though. Okay. I'm going to look for wood as well because it feels like we're going in a sort of direction of building something really big. Do we have fire, though? We should get more weapons.

But you do you. I just recommend that we get some more weapons. I mean, I could turn into a bear, so I think I'm... You're right, Henry. You did a good job last time. Okay, just... Daryl Scott. Hey, side dad huddle? Hey, Daryl, can you come up with like a plan, like a football plan for us? Like, could you draw some X's and O's and like come up with some tactics? No, I'm going to start working. Go over there and think about eating your kid's skin.

Grant's like, wait, what? He's just a weird guy. Everyone roll deception with advantage because Ron is very weird. That's 19. I got a 16. 12. I got like a six. Six? So Grant looks at Henry and goes, wait, what? No, wait, wait.

No, they're right. I'm weird. No, I clocked that very quickly. You're talking about eating my skin? Is he going to eat my skin? He's just pointing at Ron. Is Ron going to eat my skin? Holy shit. No, no, no, no, no, no. There are some bad guys that are coming after us and they threaten to eat our skin if they ever see us again. And since you're part of our team, I think he was just implying that they would probably want to eat your skin too. That's not going to happen, son, because we're going to get out of this. All right.

Roll persuasion. Just a straight persuasion roll. 16. All right. That sounds... Who did you piss off? Glenn, you know, rock and roll guy getting involved in a bar fight. Spreading rumors of cannibalism. Henry's starting to feel very uncomfortable because I'm just thinking back to with Gartok's kids where Henry, like, he's like fundamentally against not being honest with your children. So I'm going to do, as I did then, a saving throw to see if Henry can keep this secret and not blurt it out. Fucking great. Okay. Um.

What would that be like against my constitution, let's say, or wisdom? Let's say wisdom. Okay. Let's say intelligence. Yeah, sure. Because this would be very stupid, right? Yes. Okay, he got a 17, so he's going to be able to bite his tongue. Yes. Well done. So I'm going to roll on the encounter table now that you've done some of that. Oh, shit. Okay. And with that, the first 15 minutes is up, and you hear Greg Proops from the sky say,

All right, looks like the first two zones to be hit with the poison gas and or, like, laser field are, uh, are zones... Does he not know what it is? Nobody knows! It's all done by a wizard! Are zone B the bomb makers and zone E the egg farm. If you're in those locations, you might want to skedaddle within the next 15 minutes, otherwise it's going to get a little hard to breathe.

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Oh, 19. So Grant finds a gun. Grant finds a single shot shotgun behind the bar. He goes, Dad, holy shit. Oh, hey, buddy. Why don't you toss that over here, man? I mean, I found it. So you say, yeah, but, you know, come on. Give it here, son. It's a gun. Roll persuasion.

10. Daryl trying to infringe his own son's God-given rights as an American. He goes like, I mean, I feel a little bit safer if I had it. You sure I can't keep it? Son, I really need your help to board up these windows, and then afterwards we'll be able to talk about this gun, but you gotta hand me over that firearm right now. Well, shouldn't one of us have a gun too, if something goes wrong with that gun? You chose wood, Ron. Ha ha!

I wish you could see the look on Matt's face. That was genuine, actual dad-ass authority. But he goes like, all right, yeah, okay, all right, fair enough. And he places it down on the bar and begins to walk over to board up the windows. You can use Ron's wood. Ron, he's using your wood. As he approaches the windows, though, he points at your back pocket and goes like, you got a message. What?

Your phone. Phone? It's glowing. That hunk of wood. Open the phone up. Okay, so in the phone it says you have one voicemail, essentially. It happened when you jumped out of the plane and you had to roll for perception. You were getting a call. Oh, all right. Yeah, I'm going to take this call if you guys want to start boarding up the windows and whatnot. Yeah, for sure. You got it, Team Boss. That sounds great. 10-4. Copy that. Roger, roger.

Guys, Daryl. Daryl. Yeah, sure. Okay. Guys, Daryl is at like an 11 right now, and I just want to take your guys' temperature. Yeah, he should join the hotties. It feels like he's just been looking for a game mechanic that he could be a coach for his whole life. There's a lot of coach energy going on here, so I just wanted to check in with you two and just see if we were all on the same page and maybe spitball for a second about how... Because I think it's really important. Obviously, the stakes are really high for Daryl right now because it

because of Grant and we don't want to eat anybody's S K I N. Um, so I just wanted to check in and take your guys's temperature on that. And that's pretty much all I have as far as the spell. Oh, skin. I pretty much hit Grant's hammer. Like what? Nothing, nothing. Don't worry about it. I think we should definitely try to back Daryl's play, but my worry is, you know, sometimes someone gets so caught up in a situation that they make mistakes like that kind of thing. Look, I'm putting it out there. I feel guilty even bringing it up because now I feel like I'm sewing to stand. I don't want to, I feel like this was a mistake.

So let's table the dad huddle. But, you know, I just wanted to check in. All right. Okay. So you listen to your voicemail. So go ahead and roll for your phone.

With advantage. Because it's a Nokia. It's a Nokia, hell yeah. 19, so infinite battery life on that bad boy. Pretty much, yeah. You'd have to roll a four. Okay, you hear the voice of your wife, Carol. And you hear this sigh that's like, Hey, Daryl. I just wanted to check up and see how the search for our son was going. And I wanted to apologize for snapping at you before. That was...

I was just, there was a lot of emotions. I don't know. I just, I just, I just sort of, I had a bad feeling when you guys left and I didn't say anything and I was like blaming myself. It doesn't matter. I just want to say, I'm sorry about that. I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have dressed you down in the way that I did. And yeah, I guess call me back when you found them. And then you hear some rustling and you hear her continue to talk, but it's muffled and like further away. Yeah, no, Darnell, I, you're, you're right. I was, yeah, I shouldn't have.

He's trying his best, and his best is very, very bad, but he didn't deserve that. Yeah, no, I know, I know. And it's like, what kills me about this is it makes what I have to do afterward that much harder. I'm sure the kids are fine and he just lost them in a, there's probably some forest and they're getting high with Glenn or something like that, but this is why I feel like I should have done this sooner rather than later. I gotta divorce him. It's not working for me, it's not working for him,

And it's like when I'm looking at you with your husband, I think like, oh, that's the way that a marriage is supposed to be. It's just seeing you two together just made me realize like, oh, my God, I've never I've never been with anybody else. And like, it's not it's not his fault. I should have said something earlier. We're just not right for each other. I've never known anybody else. Like we dated since like since school. It's ridiculous. Like, yeah, I don't know. I don't know. Oh, oh, shit. And then you hear a beep and the phone goes off.

Well, Daryl, a lot like Matt, is trying to comprehend all that. Daryl...

Stares at the phone for a moment and looks up at grant what's grant doing grant is uh is looking back at you like what's up? You okay? Hey, how's how's the window going buddy? It's going it's I mean it's going fine. I guess i'm not really a guy All right, man. You're doing a good job. I I I grab I look at the phone and I quickly text to carol and I just say uh found grant Everything's good. Uh, love you, babe. We'll talk when I get back

Cool. I send it. You immediately get a text back because the way the time works. I don't look at my phone. I put my phone in my pocket. Oh, great. Okay, cool. How much wood are they using to shore up the PUBG? So that takes... Let's get back to that important wood conversation. Daryl wants to get back to it. Daryl's like, how's everybody doing, guys? The one conversation we're not tabling is wood.

How's everybody doing? I saw you guys huddling. Everything good? We working? You got it, coach. All right, man. So if you've boarded up all the windows, that has taken seven of the wood that you have collected. So I guess, Ron, you can deduct seven from your overall wood count unless you refuse to let other people. As a man, I am more interested in wood. That's why I would like to keep

No, I know you kept the wood and we used it. That's what the wind, look at your beautiful wood on all these windows. So as you guys are having this conversation, while you were all searching for wood and doing all this stuff, everybody roll perception. 15. 17.

25. Oh, wow. 16. Okay, so all of you actually see a drow. Actually, none of you ever met a drow before. So yeah, you see what looks to be an elf, but with sort of dark grayish skin and a very nefarious sort of countenance. He spells trouble just looking at him. And you can see him basically walking up- Spelling the word trouble out loud.

Yeah, exactly. But yeah, anyway, you see a drow crest a hill and look at your tavern, essentially. Are you going to hide? How do we see? Because we've boarded up the windows. Are we like seeing through the cracks of the wood? Yeah, seeing through the cracks. And he can't see that we're in here. He sees that there are, that the board is boarded up, which would to him probably imply that somebody is in here. There's only one of them. Yeah, there's only one of them. I cock the shotgun. Grant, you say you hid the last time? Yeah. You think you're good at that? Hide. Okay. Yeah, no problem. Wait, what are you going to do? We're going to fucking kill this drow. Whoa.

I mean, you don't have, like, wait, a drow? Yeah. You don't have to, like... I don't know what that is. It might be... Oh, shit, I should have come up with... We're going to go to the names. It might be the prized warrior of the Lord Francis Adrian. It might be Goose Moose Van Gloose. LAUGHTER

Is that a traditional drow name? Goose, voos, man, glue. I think it might be. He might be of the underdark vanglues. So what's up with him? He's a mage and he's like really powerful. He was number one. The last game I was in, actually. Does he like to team up with other players? No. All right, then. So hide, son, hide. And we are going to do our best to stop this guy from like, Henry, what would you suggest?

I don't know. I just think maybe we should come up with a plan before we just go out and start killing people. I say we let loose on this goose. I just want everybody so that we're all on the same page, that if we don't kill 15 people, I understand your peace before war thing, Henry, but 15 people have to die. And my son's not going to be one of them. So if you can explain to me how you don't kill people in a situation where 15 people have to die, go ahead. 15 groups. 15 groups. I'm not...

Okay, Daryl. What do you want to do? I want my son to hide and I want us to get ready for a fight if this guy's going to fight us. Okay. All right. Bring on the goose loose. So, Grant, immediately... Hold on. Wait a second. I do have something to say. All right. You know what, Daryl? Do you ever think maybe we should leave the fucking baddest dude around alive for half a second? Why don't you fucking cool it, dude? You know, there's a lot of people stressed out around here. I get that

This is your son. I get that we're going to have to eat his skin in 24 hours because of the bloodbath, but maybe you could just fucking take it down a notch because there's other people and there's more to being a leader than just being an alpha bro who goes around bossing people around.

So slowly you see Grant's head rise up. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I have the bar. I look at Grant. I hold up a finger like one second. I go, hey, Henry, can you just keep it quiet so the drought doesn't hear us? I toss a shotgun to Ron. I say, no, I say, no, I say, nobody make a noise.

As I was saying, just keep that gun on him. On who? On the drow that's coming. Don't make a noise. And Glenn, get ready for those maltas if he finds us. And I walk over to Grant. Glenn's like, I wish I had a gun. If you and Ron Ron switch up, you can do that. And I walk over to Grant, and I put a hand on his shoulder. He's like, don't worry about it. Let's just get through this first, son. Roll persuasion. 13. 13. Okay. Okay.

Grant looks at you and you see like determination in his eyes and he goes, we are talking the second this is over. Like he could tell something is like wrong, like with you. Okay. So you're looking at Gooseboos Van Gloose. He just hears everything you guys are saying. Like you were not quiet at all. So he disappears back behind the hill and you're not quite sure where he is. While that happens, you also hear the announcer go, gas coming in for zones B and E. We are again starting the 15 minute timer and then you'll hear about the two

other zones that are going to get gassed. Back to it. Ron, what's the draw up to? Um...

Oh, the glucose guy is... As Ron's talking, by the way, I just slowly walk up and just grab the shotgun. No, no, no, no, no. I can do this. I can do this. I am not aimed at him because he is not there to aim it. Oh, okay. Okay, so everybody roll perception with disadvantage. Natural 20 on the first one, and then 18. That's a seven. I got a two. 16.

Okay. So Glenn and Henry, uh, you don't hear a damn thing, but you see the drow approaching you like with an alarming speed, considering where you just saw him. He's approaching you from the opposite side, like sprinting on like silent feet. And, uh,

He's going to try to magic missile the barricades on the window. So that's 3d4. It's a magic missile. A magic missile is one of the best early spells in Dungeons and Dragons because it's guaranteed damage. All right. Well, I don't know why I bothered answering. Honestly, I guess. I guess. Fuck me for answering that.

A lot of the early spells sound like sex things. Fuck me with the magic missile, am I right? Why don't you come diddle me with your mage hand? It's like the fifth thing Beth has said is a sex thing. He's going to roll 1d4 plus 1.

So he does four damage to the wood barricade on the window and just shatters it. And wood splinters just fly inward at all of you guys. And he leaps inside and everybody roll for initiative. Did Glenn and Henry have any sort of since they saw him coming? Oh, yeah. Right. Yeah. You guys get immediate reactions before we go into combat.

Okay, so this is, he's just blown up the wood? Yeah, he's just blown up the wood and he's still sprinting at you like he's gonna dive in. Okay, so I'm gonna use my visor, which allows you to change two letters of any spell to change what the spell does. So healing word, in this case, is gonna become healing wood. Oh my goodness. Holy shit. Holy shit.

Can it happen like as the drow is jumping towards the window? That's great. Yeah. So it like comes back in. Like what happens if I heal the wood while he's like mid wood? It'll fucking like nightcrawler like trap him inside of it. Hell yeah. All right. Let's fucking do this. How many hit points does the wood normally have? Usually it's four hit points. Okay. So then I can cast first level. I'm sorry. Three hit points. I lied. Okay. I can cast first level healing wood to heal the wood fully is what I'm saying. Right. I don't need to burn a third. Okay. All right.

All right, so that is a 1d4 plus 3. Oh, so no matter what, it's going to heal. Okay, so I heal the wood. So actually, before I get into the consequence of that, go ahead and give me a wisdom saving throw.

Me? Yes. So we're going to do that every time you use that ability. Okay. Sounds like Anthony thinks it's pretty strong. It's very strong. I got a natural one! Oh, no! So as you... Fuck! Oh, that's a bummer. Oh, what a bummer. Well, I mean, a natural one plus six. No, it doesn't matter. Did you have inspiration? Did you have dadspiration from a previous... Did I cast Healing Wood? Uh...

Wow, what a bummer. Okay, so yeah, as you... So the following things happen simultaneously. The emotions are still high, Henry. Yeah. Fumbled. So Gooseboos Van Gloose dives through the air...

as you like, so what, what is, what is casting spell look like? What's the cool thing you do to like fucking send it home that like activates it. I, I grabbed like the air with my two hands, like, and then I'm telekinetically grabbing the wood. And then I go like this, like to like smush the wood back together by like making it grow. So, so can you do that again? But without saying like this for an audio for a podcast, Anthony, thank you, Anthony, the movements from the OA. I,

I do an interpretive dance. I pirouette, and I say, that's some good wood. And I gesture my hands out in a cool way, and the wood fuses back together all over the guy's stomach, basically. Yeah, so as he's midway through diving in with fucking hatred in his eyes, the wood seals itself shut around him and basically completely holds him in place, and he's completely frozen there, and it does, let's say...

So it does two damage to him as well as it just like, just compresses around him like a weird wooden bodice. Take that, couscous. And as that happens, your visor just shatters on your head, unfortunately. No!

It was such a good pun. It was too beautiful for this world. I'd like to also cast hold person on the goose. Hold person, humanoid that I can see within range. I mean, I saw him on the way in. Wisdom saving throw will be paralyzed for the duration. That's a saving throw of wisdom 14. Okay.

He... Ooh, natural one. Very, very failed save. So yeah, so hold person just means he's paralyzed. Correct, yes. All right, so he... As the wood goes around him, he goes, you motherfucker! And then you paralyze him. And then he just completely just freezes up and stops talking and is just staring at you with this utter hatred in his eyes like he's trying to kill you just with his gaze, but he just cannot move. I'll be clear. Hold person is Glenn doing this rock star pose and he's just putting the hand up like talk to the hand style somehow.

It's like a good pose move. Usually he'll do it like when the like, you know, for a beat hold anyway. So how long is he paralyzed for? Up to one minute. Up to one minute. Okay. So you got I mean, he's still stuck in there, but you've prevented him for a minute from even trying to free himself from the wood. Hey, someone should take one of my molotovs. Yeah. So should we burn him to death or shoot him in the head with a shotgun? Holy shit. I'll shoot him. I'll shoot him. Yeah.

I hit him with the gun. All right, go ahead and roll for a melee attack. Okay. Guys, we have a minute to fucking blow his head off. Blow his head off. 17 plus two. Okay, great. So you've done, let's just say that that shotgun is 1d6 bludgeoning damage.

So you've done two damage to him. So you kind of just, and just, you open up a little wound over his eye and he starts bleeding a little bit and he's just staring at you with even more fucking hatred in his, his eyes. So since he's paralyzed, we don't have to do an initiative or a proper combat or anything like that because like combat in D and D is like every round is six seconds. You basically have 10 free rounds of doing whatever you want to this guy. I turn around and I just say, make it quick, whatever you do. Ron, you want me to do this? Um, I can shoot him again. That wasn't shooting him.

What? That wasn't shooting. Okay. So I have to concentrate so I can't do anything, right? Because you're holding him like the entire time. All right. You go ahead and you shoot Deuce Bigelow. I grab the shotgun and I point at his head. Grant, there's no way you got people die. You got to kill people on this. I mean, some people have to die. We don't have to be the ones to kill him. And he's looking at you holding a shotgun to this guy's head. He's like, I mean, this guy, he's a he's a bad guy, but I don't.

This feels weird, man. I don't think I like this anymore. Could you not? Yeah, I mean, I can't pull the trigger. I put the gun down. Jesus. We got to do something. We're in a death match, but it's one thing to fight a vampire. It's another thing to put a gun at a guy's head. I've never done this. Are we literally going to just argue about killing this dude? So once he's unparalyzed, he's going to basically be able to rip free from that wood. Yeah, he'll attack us. Are you saying that? Did Henry say that or did Will say that? That's Will saying that. What if

we build more wood in front of him so that he can't get through the second layer of wood. Or stone. We could cask of Amontillado him. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

If something's in the mechanics, is there something he can just break through eventually? He can, but it will take him time. If you wanted to run, it would give you time to run. Well, I mean, that's just as fucked up as killing him, I guess, because you're dooming him to, you know... Here's my only thing, is... Okay, so yes, there's a... So we should just let him go and let him kill us? Yeah, it seems like if we're in this... Someone killed this guy! So basically, I made it weird, is what we're saying. Henry made it fucking weird...

Yeah, I don't know what you guys want to do. Kill him. Grant, turn away. Wait, I'll do it.

I grab the gun. Henry? I don't. I mean, what are we going to do? We're in this fucked up world. We've been in this stupid fucking world where there's nothing to do but kill people, I guess. Wait, I know. I know. Guys, you know when they execute prisoners? The way they do it is like- Oh, yeah, with one blank. It's like one blank. Do you know what I mean? You only have one gun. We all put our finger on it.

Did Grant hide? It seemed like you were going to kill him, and then Henry said this. He's still looking at you guys. He wants to know that you're not going to kill the guy. This is kill or be killed, Grant. Look at him. Look at him. I don't want to look at him. So he just closes his eyes and puts his hands on his head. I cock the shotgun. I shoot him in the head. Holy shit. Okay. You didn't need to roll for damage for that. I feel like Henry, I mean, unless you want to roll, I feel like Henry went to reach it, and I appreciate it, but I put his hand. The moment I see Grant duck down, I just cock the shotgun. I point at the head, and I look away, and I pull the trigger. Fuck. Fuck.

Ron says, wow, good shot, Henry. LAUGHTER

Henry, you really, really smoked that guy. I grabbed the gun from Daryl to basically play along like that's what happened. I don't want him to think his dad just iced this dude. Grant stands up and just looks over and sees you holding the smoking gun. And he like looks for a second, looks at the horrible mess that used to be the Drownmage's face and then immediately turns away. But he definitely saw you holding the gun and not his dad. And he goes like, could we, could we, let's move on. Can we go? Can we not be here anymore, please? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. We need a, well, this is so dark. Dungeons and Dragons is fun. All right. All right. I, I tossed the, the drow is halfway through the window, right? Uh, yeah, I tossed, I tossed the drow back out the window. I go, Ron, you don't have to like Winnie the Pooh style, shove him through the hole. Cause he's like, it's perfectly formed around his waist. Well, we,

Well, we got to take the wood. If he's in the wood, you can't get the wood back. If you harvest it from, I think we should stay again. I think we should stay here. You go stand with your son. We will take care of this. No, this is easy. I'm going to take one of the Molotovs. I'm going to burn this whole place down. This is our protection. We got to move. Henry, you got this. We're not hanging around here.

anymore with his corpse. I walk over to Grant because Henry said he's got this and I give him a like, thanks man, take care of this. Don't let Glenn do something stupid. Okay, we hide the body with the holographic pants. They're like somebody has hung up some pants on a boarded window and they're drying out

And they're a little bit bloody, and that's okay. Which, from the outside, I guess that's already what you see, is you see just, like, two legs just dangling like an inverse Winnie the Pooh situation. What's crazy is from the inside, if you put the pants on the inside, it would be like, where is the guy? He's all pants. This guy is all pants. Okay, we're going to temporarily put the pants over the blown-off stump of his head so that Grant does not have to look at this dead drought. It's funny again! Yay! Oh, my God.

You hear fucking Greg Proost be like, oh, we've got our first kill of the game. This is a fucking nightmare. All right. So anyway, you talk to your son or whatever.

Holy shit. Oh, this is a lot. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe I shouldn't have put you guys in Fortnite. Maybe this game's a lot darker than I gave it credit for. This is good. We're going to survive this. Okay. So here's my question, gentlemen. Is our plan to hole up here until they announce that this place is filling with poison? We already got a lot of walls here. We got wood. We got... Look, and now there's half a body hanging out here. Maybe nobody will come in here. Look, I don't want to kill people if we don't have to. Let's just hide in here as long as possible and use this as a fort.

Okay. And there's drinks in here to dull the pain of having a headless man with pants.

Okay. Gentlemen, there is, and Henry now having seen some gnarly shit is ready to fucking get on board with the craziness that's going on here. Gentlemen, there's a concept known as the sword of life and the sword of death. And, you know, to walk in this world, a person must be able to swing the sword of life and be able to love and to be able to bring life into the world. Is the sword of life your dick? Yeah.

I'm trying to get in the spirit of the thing here, Glenn. So there are times nature, which I love more than almost anything except for my wife and my two beautiful boys, is a place of beauty and it is a place of savage ferocity. And it comes a time and every person's

existence where sometimes you must fight and this is one of those times and we must fight so we must be prepared to be as the animals to be able to fight and defend this young boy who is not just Daryl's son but who is all of our sons and we will swing the sword of death for this boy and we will defend him and we will find a way to not eat his face off and we will win and with that Henry kicks

With all of his might, the stump out of the fucking hole. And then he goes outside and he takes the body and props it up against the side of the door. He says, this is the toughest guy in here. Is that right? Well, whoever comes by here is going to know that the people inside killed the toughest guy in this game. Henry, the only reason I didn't get a sword of death. Where was it?

The reason Daryl didn't stop... I searched my pockets and everything. I can't find it at all. The only reason Daryl didn't stop Henry from going outside and screaming is he was kneeling down with Grant. And then I feel like we finally... He wasn't really listening. Like...

He was just like talking to Grant and be like, hey, we're going to get through this. Grant was looking over your shoulder at everything Henry was saying. And then Henry brought up the eating his flesh thing. And he goes, yeah, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. And we got, we're going to figure that out. No, no, no, no, no, no. That was the whole thing was after we dealt with that guy. You would. So what's, what's going on, dad? You've something's,

Something's off. This is weird. Like, I'm seeing emotions from you that I didn't... I love the idea that this is happening, like, in close-up. Like, I'm really into the conversation. And then, like, behind them, you can see us, like, trying to pull these holographic pants off of this corpse and, like, dragging this thing outside and trying to, like, stick this corpse onto a wall. Henry's doing this speech, but it's, like, in the background, like, Doppler's like, we will feign the sword of death...

Grant, we can't talk about it. Don't worry, your dad's going to take care of it. We got to get to this first. No, no. Your friend, the hippie guy, just shot somebody. I don't understand what's going on. There's something. I can handle the weird. I've done this before. This part I've done before. Not the death and the stuff, but I can't handle whatever's going on from you. You're freaking me out, okay? There's something going on, and it's really weirding. What's wrong with you? Something's happening with you. What's wrong with me? Yes. Yes.

Grant, do you see where we are right now? We gotta solve this first. It's solved! He's dead! Henry pokes his head back in through the hole.

Daryl, I can't help but overhear. I have some advice I'd like to butt in with. Hey, Henry, did you just tell everybody our location? I told everybody that we killed the baddest dude in this entire fucking thing, and if they want to not get wasted like this dude did, maybe they'll steer clear. That's kind of what my plan was. I didn't hear you. That sounds pretty dope, actually. I had more of a thing. Could you just come over here for a second? Grant, one second. I need to borrow your dad. Hey, Daryl, have you seen my sword of death?

No. Did we get a sword? Did you guys find a sword? Okay, it was a metaphor. It was a metaphorical sword. Well, where is it? Can we keep searching every 15 minutes? Can we search more? I wonder what this would taste like. You could search one more time in this area, yeah. Okay. All right, well, we'll do that before we... Tell us when our 15 minutes are coming close so we can search again. You have three minutes left before the next zones get announced. Okay. What's up, Henry?

Far be it from me to kibitz on another dad's dadding style. But I think what Grant is looking for from you is not just a reassurance that everything is going to be okay, but a genuine connection. So maybe just open up to him. Maybe just tell him what's really going on with you. He needs a dad and he needs a dad to be a leader, but he also needs to... He feels like he can't trust you right now. He feels like you're putting up this wall between them. I think that might be making him more scared.

Let the only walls that we build be the ones made of wood and stone. That is a beautiful sentiment. Thanks, man. That's just working on some lyrics here. You just like peeked your head over while you're pulling the pants off of this fucking thing and be like, I couldn't help it over here. Hey, just really quick. I was just thinking about some lyrics.

Hey, Henry, I appreciate what you did with the shotgun. Let's just try to, again, next time that we're hiding, let's not raise our voices so loud so that doesn't happen again. And we got only a couple minutes, so let's do this, everybody. All right? Let's do this. Let's go search. Wait, what are we doing? We got to search more and we got to find more weapons in case this happens again. We're going to get through this. I want more wood.

If you want to, if everybody wants to roll again to search or get crafting materials, we can do one more round of that, and then I will roll on the encounter table, which is now one person shorter, now that you've murdered Goose Moose Van Gloose. Murder is a very strong word for self-defense. You did a very strong murder. Self-defense. I get five stone.

Nine investigation. Nine investigation is not going to get you anything. 14 would. All right, go ahead and make sure to mark down. You want to make that a stone by any chance? Ron, it'd be helpful.

No, I'll keep wood. Thank you. Okay. Do I add anything to it or is it just a number? It's just a straight 20. Unless you're searching for items, in which case it's an investigation roll. I got a five for wood. All right. I'm going to roll for encounters. Okay. We should patch up the hole in the window. Okay. That'll take two woods. You can decrease two from whatever you just collected. Do we want to build like a second story on this thing? Yeah. Let's make a dummy tower and booby trap it.

Ooh. That's a good idea. I like that. Let's make a bridge. To where, Ron? You laugh, but we could make a bridge from this world to our world. I don't think we're going to make that kind of bridge out of wood. That seems like something we're going to need. Yeah, that's more of a heart bridge. Yeah. Yeah. Let's make a bridge to a tower of booby traps.

All right. Grant, you want to help out Glenn get that tower built? Grant just looks at you with this glare that you've sort of seen before. He's just like, yeah, sure. No problem. We need to make a bridge between father and son. Yeah.

Um, Daryl, if you could hold this board and then, uh, Grant, your name's Grant. Um, could you hold the other side of this board? I like this. And then just, there you go. Now we can cross it. But most importantly, um, in the words of Henry, um,

could cross you inside. I have never been more proud of you, Ron. I think you and Glenn have really internalized a lot of positive messages about masculinity and like, you know, being intimate and vulnerable. You know, you two are doing a great job with that. Oh, thank you. I'm just very excited to find the sword of death. Me and Grant are just holding this board. Yeah.

So take this wood and this would be good for you. Maybe use this as part of the trust for the tower. I got an idea. We'll build a little shack out there that says free sword of death inside and then I'll douse it in oil from my jug of oil and then make a line of it all the way back to here so we can booby trap this distant shack. There is a good chance that Ron will go into that shack. Who will be there to get the sword though? That's a

Good idea, Glenn. I think that's a good game plan. What does everybody think? Good game plan? Let's build the booby trap tower and shack. The shack. The shack. The shack is a lot of... So the shack will take... It's going to be out of wood, presumably? Yes. So it's going to take 10 wood. No, I have to make it out of stone. The hardest thing to blow off. I'm just...

Oh yeah, you guys have been acting purely logically. That is so mean, Freddy. Far be it for me to assume you guys might do some dumbass shit. Oh my gosh. To deplete your resources by 10 wood. So as you're building it, you hear Greg Proops shout out, all right, it's that time again. The next two zones that will be hit with poison gas are... Can I get a drum roll, please? A-ba-da-da-da-da-da-da.

Zone A for the armory and zone I for ice cream. You scream, we scream, we all scream for death. Perfect. That's right, and we'll be back in another 50 minutes with an up, and as he's saying that, a rocket screams through the air and slams into the side of this hot air balloon that you can sort of see in the distance and

and there's an explosion, and it fucking crashes to the ground. Oh, they're definitely giving commentary during all of this. Oh no, we seem to be dying! Where are we dropping? It looks like right about here, and it's gonna be real quick. Greg, it's been one hell of a ride. I'm glad that if I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die with my best friend, you, the man I share a body with. I kinda resented you after about year three, but I sorta came back around

back around to you. So it's a real shame. It's been a complex journey and I hope we get to hear about it more one day, you crazy son of a bitch. And then there's a crash and everything goes silent. They've also been speaking via microphone, obviously. And after a second, you hear the like...

of somebody presumably picking up their microphone in the distance. You can't see them because they've already crashed or whatever. And you hear a voice that's familiar in some way, but you can't quite place it saying this message goes out to the doodlers. I'm changing the rules. No more top five survive. None of that bullshit anymore. It's winner takes all baby. There's going to be one group left and it's going to be me.

And I'm coming for you. Doodlers, wherever you are, no matter how you're holed up, no matter what you're going to do, I'm coming for you. And you are not going to see the next fucking sunrise. And neither is your stupid goddamn son. You might as well eat his skin now. Honestly, I'm coming for you. And then you hear the sound of the mic dropping. Doodlers, come out and play. If we're like playing Fortnite, though, we're not going to see a sunrise anyway.

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson, Anthony Birch as RDM, Will Campos as Henry Oak, Beth May as Ron Stampler, and myself, Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is All Right by Maxton Waller. Thank you this week to Francis Adrian for the excellent name submission, which is a perk of being a Patreon supporter. Another one is that your name gets entered into a shout-out pool, so this week let's give it up for Griffin Meehan, Jessica Olsen, Mr. John Q. Wolfman III,

Jacqueline and Ben Harris. These are folks who are not just satisfied with mere passive listenership. No, they took it upon themselves to put the rest of you on their backs. And when you look back over your podcast life and see over a thousand sets of footprints, know that that was when all of our fine Patreon supporters carried you. You too can get in on that hot, hot Patreon action full of perks and good vibes by heading over to patreon.com slash dungeons and dads.

You won't get there soon because we're going to be recording the canon prequel in about two weeks' time where we play the dad's grandfathers in the campaign Anthony has called In the Mountains of Dadness, which is going to be set in the Call of Cthulhu system. That's going to be available to Patreon subscribers at all levels, and it'll be likely coming out in October, so head on over to patreon.com slash dungeons and dads to reserve your digital e-seat before someone else takes it. That's not how that works. That's not how the internet works, Freddy.

Anyway, patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads, at dungeonsanddads on Twitter, and the at sign, that's shift 2 for those of you new to keyboards, bit.ly slash dungeondads for that private Facebook group, r slash dungeonsanddaddies for that subreddit, and bit.ly slash dadgut, that's capital D-A-D-G-U-T, that's all caps,

for the group transcription project. We were about halfway done with transcribing the episodes. And if you've got a crazy fast fingers and you like the type, well, check it out. Help us transcribe these episodes. Speaking of episodes, next one's coming at you October 1st. So until then, if you can measure once and cut twice, that's way more efficient. You're going to be a better carpenter. Everyone's going to think you're cool. They're going to give you discounts at the hardware store. Thanks for listening, everyone. We'll see you then.

As long as he doesn't spell skin. Grant's like, why do you keep bringing up the skin thing? You see him cresting a hill. It's for skin. I was waiting for you to say that. Not in the house. Another classic Will Campos vocabulary crime. Holy shit.

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