#672 - TOP SECRET 02:29:00

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hensclay! Who's ready for literally the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh? My goodness. We made it. Make some noise for Brian Redman, ladies and gentlemen. Hey!

Fuck yeah! We are here, Kill Tony live at the Mothership, brought to you by Connect Mobile Health. How exciting. You guys pumped to be here tonight? I love it. We have an absolutely ridiculously diabolical show ready for y'all tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

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Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? You know...

We've been doing this a very, very long time, and I book this show personally myself every single week, and I myself cannot believe who tonight's guest is. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the current, truly the real...

President of the United States of America. This is Joe Biden! You can do better than that. Make some goddamn noise for your president. No, Joe, this way. This is it over here. Joe! Joe! No! Joe, over here! Oh my God. Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

This? My fellow Americans, I want to thank you for allowing me to be the first black woman president to run this country. Quick shout out to the moderators in the back for keeping this debate going. There's no moderators. Joe, you're on Keltoni. Has anybody told you where you're at tonight? Ryan Redband. Ryan Redband, everybody.

How the hell do you know who Brian Redman is? I follow him on Facebook. Post a lot of butthole pictures. All right. Oh. So. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Here we go. How are we? America, we feel good? How we feeling, America? Okay.

Mr. President, Joe Biden, here doing some damage control right now, obviously. Shit is wild out there for you right now. Coming off of... Wild, wild times. We're doing it. We're doing it, though. We're doing... We... We...

What we did for the COVID, what we did for COVID. That's right. What we did for, we beat, and that's why we do it, and that's why we do it. We beat Medicare! Wow. We took down Medicare. Us and Megatron and the rest of the G.I. Joe get bangerang hooked. Look, I'll tell you something. When I was 10 years old, I used to ride a bike. We had all sorts of bikes back then. We had wheels. Let me get this liquid death away from me.

You already have enough death around you, Mr. President. We're gonna... Yeah, I can't have water after 4 p.m. Oh, hey, hey. All right. How many times are you gonna do that tonight? Oh, fuck. Fuck.

So, Mr. President, I don't know if you know where you are or how the show works, but I'm going to give you a little rundown. Over 250 comedians signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket. Huh? Well, 250 comedians signed up for it. Oh, boy. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bears.

Sounds like Kamala. Alright, fuck. No, fuck you. Too late. Too fucking late. It's America. Yeah, yeah. Alright.

So I'm going to pre-pull a name. We're going to wrangle them from the bar next door. Here we go. So while we go and grab them, we have someone who's going to get tonight's show started for us. It's one of our esteemed regulars, ladies and gentlemen. This guy has not been on this show in quite a while. He's been out headlining, absolutely killing it all out.

around the road. He is a superstar. He's a freak of nature. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the great and powerful, the one and only, this is KC Rocket! Yeah! I've been waiting all day for Sunday night. Alright, cool. Hell yeah. NFL on what? KT. Alright, cool. It's funny you bring that up, Tony. A lot of people have been asking me, Titty Boy LaCroix...

And I say, speaking. And they say, who are you? Really? And I tell them the truth, ladies and gentlemen, in many ways I'm an oil man. I buy oil. I sell oil. I drink oil. I go to the hospital because I drink too much oil. I sneak out of the hospital in the dead of night and the staff starts freaking out because the oil man's loose. And I...

Sneak back into the hospital dressed as Heath Ledger, dressed as the Joker, double costume, and I burn it to smithereens. What's this? Yes? More oil? Absolutely. Thank you. I'm Casey Rockett. Have a good night. Wow. Thank you. That was wild. Thank you. An unorthodox performance by Casey Rockett.

Very, very interesting. A lot of oil. Mr. President, what did you think about that? Here's the deal, folks. You look like somebody who fucked a lint trap without a condom. Thank you. Mr. Biden. I'm a big fan. That's how I pick the candidate, like the bachelorette. I get morose.

Am I supposed to suck your dick now, or what do I do? What do I do? Whatever you want. You're the president of the United States. I'll give it to my wife. You know my wife, Jill? Love her, yeah. She's one of the best. Don't you fucking lie to me right now. I love her. No, I love her, man. You're funny, you're funny. You did the thing. You did what we all did. You get a beer, you go for it. You do it. You did it. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Where's your shirt?

Good one, Mr. Biden. President Biden. I liked it. I liked it. It was good. It was good. How old are you? 29. Okay. How old are you? 81. 81. I'm moving strong. Hey, you want to fight? You want to fight? Mm-mm. Titty boy LaCroix, where does such a name come from? Where does any name come from, really? My parents, I guess. My parents were the Yin Yang twins. Yeah. And...

They're not biological twins. It was a stage name. Um, and I fell in love on the road, Dirling Lollapalooza. And I was there. Yeah. Yeah. You opened for Alice in Chains. I did. Yeah. That was cool. I was there as a roadie for young, for young. So it's cool. It's one of my favorite bands. Wow. And the oil business, this is a new thing we haven't heard of. Lucrative. Um,

Good money in oil. Sold a lot of it. Drank a lot of it. Why are you drinking the oil? Why does anyone do anything? Because you're an American. Because I'm an American. And you have to. You have to. You got to. It's the best country on planet Earth. Nobody can... Legally, no one can stop you from drinking oil. That is true. And I've taken full advantage of that. What does it taste like? Slick. Slick what? Slick.

That's an adjective. That's an adjective. Where'd you go to school? That's a trick question. I know you didn't. High school or college? You pick. First Methodist. All right. Perfect. That's not how you say that, but all right. I went to first Methodist, then I went to second Methodist for college. What's the difference?

Second message is much bigger. So... Titty boy LaCroix, a.k.a. KC Rocket. No better way to get the show started than with your unbelievable style. Thank you. Thank you for having me back. Have fun. The return of KC Rocket. No, you don't have to stand up, Mr. President. KC, will you take that glass with you? Thank you so much. One more time for KC Rocket.

We're having fun. So you get it, Mr. President? You see how this works? Here's the deal, folks. Every year, we wake up, we get it going. What do we do? We get it going, and we get it going, right? Because you got to get it. And when it gets tough, if your dick's full of blood, say it with me. We got to vote. Look, here's the deal, folks. There's so much going on. Go ahead, Tony.

No, go ahead. What were you gonna say about the voting thing? Well, I just feel like nobody can stop me right now. I feel unstoppable. I feel good. I got a rose from a Muppet. I never met a real puppet without the guy inside of him. That was insane right there. I feel good right now. The band's here. Give it up for the Kill Tony band, everybody. Let's fucking go. It's one of the biggest moments of my life. I'm feeling good right now. I had a shitty time on the debate, and I came to Kill Tony to turn things around. I'm gonna fucking fuck shit up tonight if that's all right with you guys.

You mind if I fuck shit up tonight? Look how quick I got up. I got a golden ticket. I'm feeling good right now. I got Brian Redband to my left. I got Tony Inchcliffe to my other left. You guys excited to be here tonight? My wife, Jill, is at home right now giving herself a Dutch oven. You guys excited to be here tonight?

I can't be stopped. I can't be stopped. I love this country and I love what I do. I'm telling you, I ain't going anywhere. No one's taking me down. I'm going to stay here forever. I'm going to go for four more years. I'm going to say it right now, Tony. I'm going for four more years. I'm going for four more years. Say it with me. Four more years. Four more years. Say it with me. Four more years. Four more years.

Wait, what in the world? What's that? Triumph. It is our responsibility and our duty to confront this danger together. Every step you take down this dark path increases the power you face. What in the world is going on here? Wait a second. Wait a second.

wow oh my god ladies and gentlemen the real president of the united states is here oh my god

This is an unbelievable moment. You do not look at Joe Biden. Sit down, sit down. I'm so scared. Tony, what an unbelievable experience it is. What a great show this could be instead. We've got an absolute idiot here running the show. This is a moment we will never forget.

This is incredible. What a shocking surprise. No one more shocked than President Joe Biden. He looks so scared. Who just shit my pants?

Oh my God. This is an incredible moment in the history of the show. Indeed, I can smell the president has shit his pants. This is absolutely incredible. We're going to watch some comedians tonight. President Biden seems extremely frightened right now. I got to go to bed. Ha ha ha.

So, President Trump, I believe you know how the show works, right? Of course I do, Tony. What a great crowd. What an amazing crowd this is. A lot of beautiful women here. Great women. A lot of beautiful women. A lot of great guys, too. A lot of great Americans. So, it's going to be President Joe Biden and President Donald Trump for the remainder of the show, it appears. We have an entire lineup...

And bucket to get through. This is one of those moments we will never forget. Oh, there's the lovely Heidi, everybody. Oh, hey. What a great lady. I talked to her backstage. Wonderful woman. The tits are real. Excuse me. Excuse me. A lot of people are saying her tits are fake. They're not fake. I touched them. And great tits. Wonderful tits.

American tits, and that's the thing that we've lost under this administration. Where are the American tits anymore? Four years ago, there were American tits. Now there's no American tits. Mexican tits. Mexican tits are streaming up the border, and no one's stopping it. Fentanyl tits. Fentanyl. One shock and you're dead. Can you believe this? This would never...

Unimaginable what's happened to this country. We're fine, we're fine. Hey, I smelled her tits too, they're great. Everything's great. We're fine now, we were fine then. We're fine. Hey, you're the sucker. I bet I can smell her. I bet I can do it first. Joe, you're an idiot, please stop. Hey, hey, say it to my face. Come on, huh? Come on.

You want to race up some stairs? Come on. Joe, everybody's seen you race. You can't race. So we're going to watch comedians do 60 seconds. Oh, God. This is unbelievable. This is unbelievable. We're going to try to stick to this format tonight. We're going to try to do an episode of Kill Tony, even though I could watch you two talk about smelling fentanyl tits all night.

Let's get to it. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to your first bucket pool tonight. Mind you, these guys have no idea who's on panel here. They get wrangled from a bar across the street. They come out. So keep a lookout for their reactions. Your first comedian doing 60 seconds tonight. Make some noise for Matt Sturm, everybody. Matt Sturm, here we go. ♪

I'm not from Texas. It's fucking hot here, all right? I'm from Vermont. It's cold there. When I first got here, I wasn't used to it. You step outside, you feel like Arnold in "Total Recall" when he's dying on Mars. Just... You know? I'll have to fucking pole vault crackheads and rattlesnakes just to go to Whole Foods. I don't even get to shop at Whole Foods. I just look in the window like a fucking hot food section pervert, looking at the mac and cheese just like, "Fuck."

Bring out the rotisserie chicken, you bitch. Fuck. Nah, man, I'm too poor. I shop at Target. It's weird, yeah. It's the only place you could get, like, a Spider-Man graphic tee and, like, six pounds of brisket. It's a weird combo, yeah. Yeah. I've been coming different guys. Guys, we usually come, like, three types of ways. There's the pathetic way. That's the way I usually do. When you're kind of like...

You know, they go like, I'm sorry. Like, that's a weird, you know, it's embarrassing. I don't know. And then there's the other way. For some reason, like, we do the opposite. We turn into, like, Thanos from the Avengers. Oh, fuck. You know what I'm saying? Like, dude, Thanos is not fuckable. He's more like a rapist energy. There's, like, a better purple thing to fuck. You can fuck, like, Grimace or something. Hell yeah. All right. Matt Sturm going over his time at a minute 15 seconds. Uh.

A lot of references there. How do you feel like that went, Matt? It was okay, Tony. I think it was okay. It was okay, according to you. It was not. It was... Frankly, you should be embarrassed about it. I would... Not good. Not good. Yeah, this is the first thing we agree on. That was dog shit. Yeah.

He pulled him in with a handshake. Holy shit. Okay, Matt Sturm, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About eight years. About eight years. Oh my God. I should say less. Wow. Damn. Where's your dad right now? He died. Who? You said, where's your dad right now?

He died. From what? No, he's alive. He's good. He's in the city in New York. He's in New York City? Yeah, he's in New York. Okay. Yeah. What a wonderful city that is. Great city. Now homeless. This guy's dead. Ruining it. Ruining New York. There's a lot of fake dead dads right now. What do you mean by that? He said his dad died and he's alive. Yeah. So there's a lot of fake dead...

Red band hit me with something. Okay, you don't... Yeah, perfect, red band. Jesus Christ. You're like Dr. Fauci over here.

So Matt Sturm, you've been doing stand-up for eight years. What do you do for a living? How do you support yourself? Well, I recently got a job at Maggie Mae's across the street working the door over there. Okay. And then I'll do some sets over there and get to do a little stand-up and work the door. Working the door at Maggie Mae's. I used to work at Caroline's in New York before it closed and shit. Uh-huh. That was fun for a little bit. Okay. All types of small businesses. Okay.

It's true. That did close during the Biden administration. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I got tons of black friends. There's one over there. There's one over there. They matter. The business is all the business. The bitches is on the business. What did I say? The bitches is on the business. There it is. You got it. Okay. Matt Sturm, what else do you do with yourself when you're not doing your door job?

Well, I like to, you know, look at bugs and lizards and shit outside. I like build terrariums sometimes. Jesus Christ. You find a lizard or a fucking cricket and there's not much to do, you know? Wow. Yeah. You have a lot of work to do. You should stop collecting bugs and...

Get a job. I mean, what are you doing? We got plenty of jobs. What are you really doing? We got the most jobs right now. We got the most jobs. You can work here. You can work outside. You can work inside. You can work upstairs or downstairs. I don't keep the bugs. I don't like the bugs in my house. What do you do with the bugs? I just inspect them. I'll view them from, like, a safe distance and kind of observe what kind of bug it is. Are you retarded? Why do you do that? Why do you do that?

Maybe. I'm trying to figure that out. That's fine. We got jobs for retards, too. We got every job. We got upstairs jobs, retard downstairs jobs. Y'all got dental? Sure. Hell yeah. All right. What's your love life like, Matt Sturm? Pretty non-existent. Last hookup you had, where was that? How long ago was that? Fucking Connecticut. Wow. It was like five months ago or something. Wow.

- Yeah, it was a long time ago, yeah. - So you got pussy five months ago? - You could say that. - For a guy who collects bugs, frankly, that's not bad, honestly. A sad woman in Connecticut fucked the bug guy, and now she's watching this right now, she's at home going, "I fucked that guy," and he collects bugs in a jar.

Do you make the bugs watch when you fuck her? I do. I'm asking for a friend. I have. It's better that way. Did you hear that, Red Band? Matt Sturm, congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket and you... Caught it with my chin there. Wow, you caught it with the side of your neck. Look at that. Fat neck folds. There he goes. Matt Sturm, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

And like that, the show has begun. As you see, we're having fun here. It appears as though the only slow moments tonight are gonna be the 60-second sets that these people across the street are dying and hoping for.

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Your domain. Ladies and gentlemen, you need a straw, Mr. President? Is that what you said? I need a straw. Fuck the turtles, am I right? Absolutely. Okay, your next comedian doing 60 seconds goes by the name of Bruce McElderry, everybody. Bruce McElderry. Here we go. Here comes Bruce, everybody. What do the Chinese call the Japanese as a racial slur? Huh?

What do the Japanese call the Chinese as a racial slur? Fucking short Chinese. I'm trans socioeconomic. I was born poor, but now I self-identify as rich. I'm so white trash.

I call my only pair of long pants my fancy pants. Bruce, hold on. Hold on to that microphone, Bruce. First of all, let's just jump right into it. You started talking with the microphone four feet away from your face. And then you proceeded to... When did you write those jokes exactly? Did you lose a bet? Was this your last place in the fantasy football league or something? You had to come on Kill Tony? What made you come here today?

I've been a huge fan for the last two, three years. Watched every episode. You ever do stand-up before? No. You decided to make your debut here tonight. Have you watched the show? How did you think this was going to go? You've seen the show. That's a good question. How did you think it was going to go? Mediocre. Do you have more jokes that you didn't get to Mr. President Joe Biden? I have one more white trash joke. Okay. Let's hear it.

I'm so white trash I take naps at Walmart. Should have opened with that one. That's the one. You look like you sold the bugs to the last guy. Bruce, where do you live? Austin. Austin, Texas. You were born and raised here? No, no. From the Midwest, Wisconsin. Okay, Wisconsin. And what do you do for work?

Um, somewhat retired. Okay, what did you do before you retired? Software development. Did you develop some software that made you enough money to retire? I mean, just enough to be a poor retiree. Wow, and what is this software? Like business software, nothing anybody would know. Who was the president when you sold this software company? It was still Trump. Of course it was. Ha ha ha!

We used to be able to develop things and create things. We can't anymore. Is this why you retired? I was in regulatory. I was fired immediately after Trump got out. We love regulatory, big regulatory. Under my administration, there was plenty of regulatory, and now where's the regulatory? Everybody looks around and says there's no more regulatory.

Hey, hold on, hold on, hold on. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. President Biden, would you like to respond to the claims that you've heard? We're playing regular. We got it all. Hey, when's the last time you took a shit, huh? What's your name again? Bruce. Bruce McElderry? McElderry. You always dress like this? You own any pants? I have one pair. When do you wear them?

When I'm, like, super special occasions. Like what? Like when I get married. Fuck, that was sad. All right. He's saving his pants for marriage, and I think that's extremely American. I...

Who are you saluting, Mr. Biden? You just saluted the whole audience. Okay. Bruce, when you say that you're saving these pants for marriage, do you have a girlfriend? I got married again. Oh, you got married again. So you've been married twice? Three times you got married. Honestly, that's not that bad. Yeah, coming from a guy who likes to watch women change.

Wait, what? Who doesn't want to watch women change? I saw it on the internet. Sorry. I love to watch them change. Who doesn't? Your wife changed into the afterlife. Hey, hey. You want a knuckle sandwich? Give me a punch sound effect, Red Band. Perfect. Perfect.

Take that, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. What'd you stick your dick in a bucket of Mountain Dew? Listen to this guy, listen to this guy. Joe, you could do nothing to me. I would hurt you severely, and everyone here knows it. I would beat Joe's ass so badly, frankly. Oh yeah? Hit me, right, man?

Got him. Okay, so Bruce, let's go through some of these marriages. How old were you your first marriage? 17. And how long... Wow, Jesus. That's a great age for getting your high school diploma. You can do it if you want to do it. Or for showering with your dad the way his daughter did. Look it up. You're going to be very, very surprised that this guy, this man, showered...

With his daughter, do you believe this? Until she was 13. I love my family. So you got married at 17, Bruce. And how long did that marriage last? How old was the girl that you married? She was like 19. She was 19. So technically, you were being statutory raped. For a couple years. It was awesome. For a couple years. It was awesome, he says. Wow. Where did you meet her at? High school. But...

You were both in high school. She was in the parking lot. So you said a couple years before you got married. Biden, what do you think about this? Oh, it's great. I just can't. So what's her name? Where's she now? What's she doing? Does she have a job?

She works at a bank in Mendota, Illinois. I think you just made that up. Where's that at? Oh, wait, no, I've been there. I campaigned there. You never went there. Meningitis, Illinois. Joe, you've never visited the Midwest. Everyone knows that Illinois loves Donald Trump. That is... I wish I had a joke there, but I'm getting into character too much. Oh, that's great.

That's who you want? So Bruce, how long did that first marriage last? One year. And how did it end? She's a whore. Right. I had a feeling that the 19-year-old woman marrying a 17-year-old, she cheated on you? Who did she cheat on you with exactly? Do you know? A couple people that I did not know at the time. How did you find out that she cheated on you?

- Enter. - The computer. - Right, you're a fucking software engineer. That'll make your hardware turn into software real quick. Finding out that the woman that you're married to is fucking everything in mid area land. - How many of them were black is the real question here. - That was my next question. Were any of them black? No. - Mendota. - Okay, so how old were you when you got married for the second time? Take a, the ballpark would be fine here, Bruce.

24. 24. And how old was the girl that you married when you were 24? 24. 24. Okay. And how long did that marriage last? Maybe five years. Five years. How did it end? She's a whore. No. No, she was very nice. She's very nice. How did it end? Just mutual? Yeah, yeah. Long, yeah. Mutual differences. I don't believe you. We wanted different things. She wanted kids. I was like, eh.

Kids are great. When they turn 13, you can shower with them. So she wanted kids. You didn't. You liked pulling out and spraying where? On her... Fentanyl tits. It's your answer. It's your answer. Where did you come on this woman? Why didn't you want to come inside of her, Bruce? Where did you prefer to come? I would come in her mouth. I would come in your ex-wife's mouth. Of course you would. You're coming in America's mouth right now. You're exactly right, Joe.

I'm coming on their back like an American. You're coming in their mouth like some... Okay. So...

You're a sucker. Wait, no. It's him you're a man. No. Oh, an elbow. There's more elbow. There's more elbow for you. Okay. All right. So, Bruce, the third marriage. How old were you when you got married the third time? Three more times than people are getting married nowadays. How old were you for the third one? Last year. Last year. Yeah. Your trademark not speaking. I've got a good feeling this one's going to work.

I have hopes. I'm joking. No chance. Now, is this one wanting to settle down, too? Does she want kids? Okay. I'm going to give you a small joke book, Bruce, and congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket. You were here on Kill Tony. You were here, Bruce. You were here. There goes Bruce McElderry, everybody. We got a real...

A lot of bombs tonight so far with the two U.S. presidents. I guess that's fitting. A country that... Oh, there's a straw. Whoa, Mr. President, what are you doing with the straw? Oh, is that how you use it? Oh, no. You want me to pull that closer? There you go. Okay. All right. Kamala usually does that for me.

Your next comedian out of the bucket goes by the name of Cannon Miller, everybody. Cannon Miller is next. Who knows? Could be a star. So why is it that mentally disabled guys just love getting naked? Yeah, I don't know what that's about, but they just love taking their clothes off. And I say that because I was at a Boy Scout camp when I was a kid. And we had this mentally disabled kid in our cabin, this albino kid. He was super sweet.

But anyway, he goes to the shower and we hear him yell for help and we're like, oh God, like, you know, let's go. He probably fell. We got to go help him out. We opened the stall door to the shower and then there he is just, you know, handling his package right in front of us, just really going at it. And I'll never be able to look at a white snake the same ever again. But anyway, we're like, you know, I'm not equipped to handle this. So we go and I tell the scout master, you know, go make sure, see if he needs any like actual help. And I sat there and I thought about it. I was like,

Just left a Scoutmaster alone with a naked miner. And so that's the story of my first threesome. And that's my time. Okay, he's done. 55 seconds in. Throwing the mic into the mic stand, Cannon Miller. One more time for Cannon. Thank you. Cannon, grab that microphone. Put it up to your mouth. Got you. Sorry. Hi, Cannon. How are you? First time doing stand-up?

Yeah, about 60 seconds into my career. So the answer was yes. Yes, sir. There you go. Hi, Cannon. How are you? I'm doing well. How are you? How far did you drive to get here today? 13 hours. I'm actually in for the week. My brother's getting married here on Friday. Okay. Wow. Hey. Yeah. A real patriot, huh? Yes, sir. 13 hours. Now, this retarded boy's cock, how big was it, would you say? Good question. Good question. Big, folded in half.

So this retarded boy had a black cock. How did this happen? How could this happen here? Say again? How is it possible that a retarded boy had a giant black cock and you saw it? You know, that's a really good question. I didn't really think about it that hard. I just saw it, and I don't think I'll ever forget it, unfortunately. Well, you're not gonna, because he's here tonight. Let's bring him out.

When you said you'll never be able to look at a white snake the same again, what exactly do you mean? How many white snakes do you see? Not many. As far as I know, just the one. But, I mean, there was an albino guy with, you know, like I said, he was packing some heat. So if I ever see a white snake again, I don't know. I may get PTSD. I'm not sure. Have you ever seen a white snake? No, just listened to the band. Right. Absolutely. Absolutely.

None of this makes sense. You're incoherent like this guy right here. Cannon, what do you do for work? I'm a college student, but I work at a golf course. I like maintenance. How old are you? 21 years old. 21 years old, working maintenance at a golf course. Yes, sir. Okay. What exactly do you do at the...

The Acasta golf community. Ooh. Have you heard of this, President Trump? Of course I have. I'm the club champion there at the Acasta golf course. Acasta. They have his picture up in the showers. They say, don't let this guy in. So, Cannon, you're 21 years old. What do you do for fun?

Just whatever. I play a lot of basketball. I'm no good, but I play a lot of it. Where do you live 13 hours away to where you're the basketball player in the city? I'm from Noonan, Georgia, but I live in Dahlonega currently. I go to school at the University of North Georgia. Are there black people around there? Not a lot at the school, but there are some. President Trump, I noticed you grabbed your microphone there. Say it. Say it. Whatever you're thinking, say it. What a great institution.

So, Cannon, what's like the most interactions with black people that you've had in your life? You do seem ridiculously white. Your t-shirt is tucked into your jeans right now. Tucked deeply into your jeans. So, give me an example. How many black friends do you think you have? Take a guess. First number that pops in your head, go. Close friends, probably about three. Close friends. Okay, name them. Name their first names. Go ahead. Ben Carson. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Go ahead, Cannon. Name your three black friends. I see you thinking. I see the wheels turning. Probably about Tayshaun, Bryson, and CJ. No, no, no. Tayshaun, Bryson, and what? CJ. Okay. A black named Bryson? Yes, sir. What's the coolest high five they'll let you do? Just the standard dap up. What does that look like? Show me what it looks like. I'm a black guy. Ready? Oh, President Biden getting up. This takes a while. Easy there. Easy.

Here he goes. Oh, that's it. Occasionally a little snap after. Oh. That was racist. You would know. Cannon, very fun. What else do you like to do when you're not working at the golf course and you're not doing comedy? Play a little golf, play basketball, play video games, just hang out with my friends. I got to hang out with my girlfriend either way. Your parents still together? No. Okay. How long have they been separated for?

Almost 10 years, probably. So that affected you deeply when you were about 11 years old? Something like that. Not really too bad. How did they break the news to you that they were separating? They just called us out to the back porch one by one and let us know. The back porch. It was a nice moment. It wasn't nothing too bad. I'll be your dad. Donald, you be his mom. Let's recreate. Get out here, little man. Come here. Me and your piece of shit father have something to say.

Yeah, you're not doing it. What did I tell you as a young boy? You gotta do it. They broke up because of you, it turns out, Kevin. It was all my fault. What did I not do? I don't know. You're always golfing. If you're gay, just tell us. It's fine. We've known you're gay. You are gay. We know you're gay. We saw the way you look at Jonathan Taylor Thomas. You...

You being gay has shattered this family, frankly. It broke us apart. We can't eat dinner in the house anymore. Your father and I are disgusted because you are gay. Why can't you meet some nice girl that Hawk 2 is all over your cock? She's obviously voting for me. What a patriot. That is very true. There is no doubt about that. So you were gay and your parents split up. Then what?

Then what happened, Cannon? And then I lived the rest 10 years of my life. That's all. Just being gay. Just being super gay. That's fine. What's the gayest thing you ever did, Cannon? Good question, Tony. You can tell us. Uh...

Played gay chicken one time. What's gay chicken exactly? You and a buddy close your eyes and you puck your lips like you're going to kiss and you both walk towards each other until one of your chickens out moves away. That's very funny. Joe Biden did that with Big Mike. They played gay chicken every day. She'd say, Joe, this is a chocolate cone. He would go, whoa.

This is a dick. You've got a dick. A huge dick. A white snake. A black snake. Michelle Obama has a giant black dick. Hey, hey, hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

So what? Well, Cannon, congratulations. You're leaving here with a little joke book. You're 21 years old. You're way ahead of your time. That's a great time to fucking start stand-up. Thank you very much. Congratulations, Cannon.

We have a special treat for you, audience, fans of the Kill Tony universe. We have the return of one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show happening right now, ladies and gentlemen. You just saw Cannon, who started when he was 21. When you met this guy, he was living in a van, unable to sell any tickets whatsoever. Now he's living in a van.

He's adding shows to his sold-out weekends all around the world. Sing the words if you know them. This is Hans Kemp. What's up? It's good to be here. Good to see Trump and Biden going at it, locking horns, battling for supremacy. It's Kendrick versus Drake for white people. Trump is obviously Kendrick because he's a winner and he's actually black. And Biden's obviously Drake because he's a sleepy pedophile. Ha ha ha.

Our leader. I bought a gun recently. Thank you, let's go shoot each other later. And I love having a gun. I know I'm supposed to use it to defend against the government, but it's so much easier just to shoot people. They're everywhere and they keep cutting me off in traffic. I love the ladies. I feel like ladies can be a little bit ungrateful. Everything men invented was for the approval of women. And women, they still aren't happy.

Probably because of all the sexual assaults we keep doing. When they're like, hey, could you please stop raping us? And men are like, the best I can do is the internal combustion engine. All right, that's my time. Thank you very much. Hans Kim with a new Minute 20. And a special very presidential joke you did.

So you have a gun. Yes, AR-15. I'm going to get another one, a little concealed carry so I can walk around 6th Street. I do firmly believe every autistic man should own. Let's get this guy a bump stock, why not? Is that your first gun, an AR-15? It's my second. I have a Shadow Systems MR920L.

Jesus Christ. When they say it like that, you know they mean business. And if you're at the Pittsburgh... Fuck. Shut the fuck up. I had a few Bud Lights. I'm going to turn into Sleepy Joe in a minute. We're both going to be doing a Joe Biden impression. I'd like to see you turn into me. Hit me, Red Band. Sorry.

God, fuck, David Redman. Redman, you are a fucking idiot. What are we, a Dave and Buster's? What was that? Hey, congrats, you got the high-scoring skee-ball again. What the fuck? I've never played skee-ball. I have never once played skee-ball. That's what you want? A guy who's never played skee-ball on American Treasure? You don't even know who Harrison Ford is.

Oh, please. So, Hans, who are you voting for in this upcoming election? Everybody here wants to know. Both of the candidates are right here. You're a fearless, fearless person. Are you going to admit who you're voting for? I would love to vote for Kim Jong-un, our dear leader, but I guess I'm in America, so I think Trump is the most Kim Jong-un type of guy that I could vote for. I respect him in my Korean soul.

Is that where you are? I was trying to figure it out. I'm, uh, yeah, I'm Korean. All right. South Korean. Thank you for... Gross! Ew! Took the words right out of my mouth.

Oh my god. Wow. Hans, what else has been going on in your world? I recently went over to Brian Redband's house. I took a shit in his house. Whoa. All right. Okay. And I owe him $10,000. More than that, you've had like three parking tickets since you got my car with my license plates on it. I'm not going to pay it back.

Classic Korean.

This is incredible. So you sold Hans Kim one of your cars, and he's been getting parking tickets, and you didn't transfer anything over. No, because I thought I could wait two weeks to transfer the title. I'm like, don't get any tickets, and literally he's had like three or four in two weeks. What a shitty story. What a dumb, boring story. You brought us here. You're going to talk about parking tickets. Of course he's getting parking tickets. He is very Asian-based.

It's a great point, President Trump. Do you always get a lot of parking tickets, Hans? Yes. Hey, let him finish. Let him finish. Yes. All right, Tony. Thank you.

Thank you. Well, Hans, it was great to have you back. Is there anything else you want to talk about? I hurt my back falling off a paddle board. I have nunchucks now. Of course you do. Nunchucks? Yes. Where are these nunchucks at? They're right backstage. Let me go get them real quick. Wow. Oh, my goodness. This might be the most Asian thing ever, ladies and gentlemen. He parked his nunchucks backstage. He's grabbing them. Whoa. What?

Oh my goodness gracious. What kind are they? They're Asian nunchucks. Yeah, but what brand? Eddie Bauer? Amazon. They're just Amazon nunchucks. This seems like a very... Wow. That seems super easy. That seems easy. That seems easy. That's easy. That's definitely easy. Is this what you do? Anybody could do that.

I just got it, but white people will let me hit them with it because I'm Asian, so... Not for long, not in a few more months, we will take this country back. The Asians keep hitting us with sticks. This never happened when I would... Now Asians are hitting us with sticks? What's going on? The blacks are fighting back against the Asians in the inner cities, and no one's giving them credit. All right.

Hans, we love it. The return of Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen. And on to the next bucket pool we go. There he goes. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian out of the bucket. 60 seconds. Going to make some noise for Nate Barnard, everybody. Nate Barnard. Here's Nate. The real estate business in Cairo, Egypt is an absolute pyramid scheme.

My uncle's LGBTQ, but he thinks the Q is for questioning the Holocaust. Black guys can watch anime and still fuck. White guys, not so much. White guys discover Naruto and it's over. It's a vow of celibacy. Sometimes I check in on my white anime friends and I ask them about pussy and they're like, "Pussy was good until the show caught up with the books and now it's trash."

Anime is destructive to the white community. Brian Redband. Is that the minute? Trying to bring another woman in my relationship. Not for anything sexual, just for someone to fight her out on 6th Street. Okay, Nate Barnard. Welcome, Nate. You've been on this show before, right? Yeah. You have a look. I can remember your face because of what it looks like. Sorry. Yes.

Your chin and your neck are one. Yep. There's nothing wrong with that. A lot of women like that. Thank you, Mr. President. I love that. Nate, remind us how long you've been doing stand-up comedy. About seven years. Seven years. And what do you do for a living? I work dairy at Whole Foods. Ooh, dairy at Whole Foods. Ladies. There you go.

Is that the dream? What was the American dream for you? Whole milk at reasonable prices. That is... Whole milk? Very expensive. Why is it so expensive? It's actually going down. The price of whole milk is going down. Just like you. This November. Give me a red band. No, it's definitely...

There it is. It's definitely gone up. What do you have to say about the price of milk skyrocketing under your presidency? Here's the deal, folks. Milk is just a... You know what it is. There's milk, there's water, you know. Why don't you take off the glasses and look the American people in their eyes? You can go to the store, you can buy milk, you can call your mom. She can bring milk over. What do you want to do? Come on, you know what it is. When's the last time you bought milk from the store?

Two weeks ago. That's what I'm talking about. Milk's at the store. You can get it. The prices are high. They're low. It's America, baby. Nate, who do you plan on voting for come this November?

Think about your career right now. Take your time. What you should do is go on the record and say, you will vote for Donald Trump. Gotta vote for the winner. I'll give you a ballot. That's gonna help your career in comedy for sure. Will you give me? I'll give you a ballot. You fill it out right now. Right now? A what? A ballot. A ballot? A ballot. Oh, you're gonna give him a ballot in July? That is... I didn't think this through. Oh, man.

What's your favorite color? Green. All right. Sorry. I like that. I like that. Nate, you took a shot at Brian Redband during your set. What's your love life like?

Empty, as previously established on the show. Oh, we've talked about this. Yeah. That sounds about right. No one remembers. No one remembers, sorry. No one does. Won't bring it up. You watch a lot of porn, Nate? Yeah. What type of porn do you like to watch? What's your favorite category? Favorite category of porn? I'm kind of going back to softcore now. Softcore porn? What is it about softcore porn? I like to see how they're like, you know, they're like putting that shit on YouTube now. They're like trying to get past porn.

The censors. What do you mean by, like, handjobs? What is it? They do, like, oh, this is a see-through clothing tryout. This is what's happening. It's not anything sexual. This is what's happening in this country. The men now are going back to softcore. Can you believe it? Softcore porn. Can you believe this? Well, it's better. It's better. Four years ago, we were into tranny porn. We were doing... The men in this country were being men. We watched gay porn. We had gay sex. Yeah.

We had gay sex, and now faggots are watching softball porn. Now we've got a faggot epidemic in this country. Hey, hey, hey. Hey. Hey, that faggot's got rights. He can watch whatever he wants. Hand job, soft job, in the car job, in a hot air balloon job. I love training porn.

What do you love about it, Mr. President? What exactly is it about tranny porn that you like so much? I don't know all of it. Joe, I'll help you out here. It's one of the guys, they both have tits. That's what it is. There's some for everybody. Now there's four tits. Before there were only two tits, now we've got four. You get penises and tits in the same boat. What's your dad do for work? He's a banker.

Where? I don't know, somewhere. Is he still working for the banks? I have no idea. You don't talk to him? Yeah, I stopped talking to my dad. Why did you stop talking to your dad? He's kind of crazy. But why? How is he crazy? Did he say, stop working at a fucking grocery store? Stop doing comedy, get a real job. I'm a millionaire banker and my son is a retarded anime pussy. Hey.

I'm in character. That's true. It is President Trump saying this.

What was so crazy about your dad that you would stop talking to him? He was just kind of a scream-on-the-highway type of dad. Explain to us exactly what you've seen him do. It seems like he was successful, right? Mildly. Sure, but I mean, what was the craziest thing you've ever seen him do? Yell on the highway? I mean, there's some terrible drivers out there.

- Yeah, would he cut people off and say like, "Hey, fuck you Jew," or what would he do? - He'd be like, "Pull over the car, pull over the car," and then he'd just start walking the highway. - Are you a shitty driver? - No, this was to my mom. - Is she a shitty driver? - Probably. - Probably, so maybe he wasn't wrong. What's the second craziest thing you've ever seen him do?

It's kind of hard to say. You stopped talking to him, or did he stop talking to you? I just got contact. You're just playing hard to get now. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah.

Okay. I'm sorry. It's very complex. It's kind of hard to summarize. How is it complex? Normally, if somebody stops talking to the father, the man that made them with his balls, you would have a good reason or something like that. Or just like their whole marriage was just like, it was all them fighting the whole time. And you sided with your mother like a gay guy. If my father treated my mother like shit, I would side with him like a real man.

Is it true? Do you talk with your mom? Yeah. Okay, there you go. President Trump nailing it. Unbelievable. And are they still together? No. Oh, okay. That makes sense. You think your dad's moved on? Oh, yeah. He moved on in like six months. Right. Who's he with now? Some other woman. Jenny. Jenny? Jenny. That sounds like she might be younger than your mom. Is that correct? They're about the same age.

Oh, okay. There you go. Jenny had AIDS, Redman. Oh, now I get that reference. Yeah, a little too soon on that. Jenny. Your sound effect was so good, I didn't even think it made sense. That was good.

Forrest Gump. Yes. Colt started an applause break for you. Colt works at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club starting an applause break for his boss. Someone's looking to get higher than minimum wage over here. Forrest Gump was a real American. His girlfriend had HIV. He still fucked her and then she died. That's beautiful. That's why this country's great. That's why. That's why.

So Nate Barnard, you already have a joke book, correct? Yep. Okay. Well, there you go. Nate Barnard, everybody. Moving on. Thank you.

Let's go with this inside name real quick. We have someone pulled out of the bucket from the inside, ladies and gentlemen. This usually doesn't go that great, but we're gonna see how it goes tonight. This person is representing you, the audience. They had the courage to sign up, and now they will be pulled out of the bucket in real time. Make some noise for the Kill Tony debut of Brittany Martinez. Oh my God, here she is.

In real life, real time, Brittany Martinez, by the sounds of this name, sounds like she could have come here during your time, President Biden. I can't wait to smell her head. And here she comes. She's streaming right up to the stage and nobody's going to stop her. No one's going to stop her. Here she is, ladies and gentlemen, Brittany Martinez. My husband's an Army Ranger.

People try and compliment me with the, "You're so strong. You're with someone who's fighting for our country." And I just agree and say, "Yeah, thanks." But I don't tell them that I just binged 12 seasons of Supernatural, masturbated three times, and ate some slices of pizza in between. So you're welcome for my service. Just doing my job. My husband's a tattoo artist now.

He sometimes tattoos these tiny little bitches and they go, ooh, that's spicy when he's tattooing them. And I'm like, nah, you know what's fucking spicy, bitch? When your husband just pounds two pounds of frickin' buffalo wings and plays Thumb War with your fucking clit without washing his hands. That's fucking spicy. Okay, that's what I got.

Okay. Brittany Martinez. So you're saying that he thumbs your clit without washing his hands? Absolutely. We're dirty as fuck like that. Wow. And you like that. They're sending their worst. Under the Biden administration, we welcome all Mexican clits. Thank you. Thank you. That's right. That's right. And Mexican-American titties too, right? Are they American? Half. Okay. Yeah.

Brittany, you talked about your husband the whole set, R&B ranger, tattoo artist. What do you do? So we own a tattoo shop up in Tacoma, Washington. We actually just moved here to Austin. We're transitioning our lives, but right now I'm working at Trader Joe's. Okay. What are you doing at Trader Joe's? Trader Joe, that's what we call this guy. He's sold out this country. Yes. Yes.

Oh, yeah, look at this guy over here, huh? No, you just got fucked up, Mr. President. He just got you real good there. I feel like I just tripped up some stairs after that one. Wow. So, Brittany, tell us more about you. He was deployed for a long time?

He did, so Army Rangers do three to four kind of months at a time, full-on infantry, no contact kind of thing. But he did that for a few years and yeah.

Okay. And what made you want to sign up here tonight? Is that your first time doing stand-up, right? Absolutely is. What made you want to try it here? I'm just a big fan of the show. My husband got me into it a couple years ago. Honestly, we have bonded over Kill Tony. This is our shit, and we're super into it. We look forward to this shit every Monday. I love it. This is our shit. And you moved from Tacoma to here. We did, yeah. How recently? Recently.

In March. So we did 10 years in Tacoma, and then we're originally from Southern California. And this is the first one you've been to live? We came last June when Theo Vaughn was on. Nice. I don't know what date. Yep. Did you sign up then? No. My husband was a little too chicken to sign up with me, so... Did he sign up tonight? He absolutely did. He did? What's his name? His name is Giovanni Martinez. Why don't you stay up here? Okay. Put the mic in the mic stand. Boom.

Ladies and gentlemen, I think it's only right. An American hero, an army ranger, most importantly, a kill Tony man. Make some noise for the debut of Giovanni Martinez. Here he is, everybody. Make some noise for him. One more time for Giovanni Martinez. Growing up brown, I've unfortunately deal with a lot of racism.

And one of the things that pissed me off about racism was how black people get compared to monkeys all the time. I think it's horrible. I think it's bullshit. I think they're more like dogs. Hear me out, hear me out. And not in every way, not in every way. For instance, you know, if you get a bunch of them together, the dogs won't try killing each other.

You can't count on a black man for emotional support. But in ways that they're alike, you can't understand them when they're trying to talk. The female ones are bitches. And it really sucks when you have to hit one. It's horrible. What a great set. What a great set.

Absolutely perfect. How long have you been doing this? It must be 20, 30 years at this point. First time. That was some of the finest stand-up I've ever heard. Oh my God. Can you do that whole set again in Spanish?

Tony, I think that's the first time that didn't work, bringing the husband up. I thought it was fucking unbelievably hilarious. You know, for a first-timer, he took massive risks. I mean, I was looking at... Hopefully, hopefully he understood the risk and wasn't being totally honest. LAUGHTER

This might be the first episode where I literally pass out in the middle of the show. The blood rushing to my head. Welcome to my world. I should be in bed right now with a melatonin and a book, but I'm staying awake for Kill Tony, baby. Oh, my God. Giovanni Martinez, you got called up here. You look like a Mexican jelly roll. Jelly taquito or something like that.

I've never seen a man make a big belt buckle look small like you do. That is incredible. Giovanni, you have a teardrop tattoo. What is that? It's a nail. I got a tooth and a nail tattoo. You got a tooth and a nail, but they're both shaped like teardrops, which means that you killed somebody. Have you ever killed anybody? I played a fifth.

Oh, he pleads the fifth. President Trump, what do you think about America? I also plead the fifth a lot. And what a witch hunt. Why are they attacking you? I'm brown. You look like the security guard for the Ninja Turtles. Damn. So now you own a tattoo shop. Is there anything you miss about Tacoma? They're coming up through the sewers as well. Oh, God.

Oh, my God. I'm going to take a nap, Tony. Don't take a nap, Joe. Don't take a nap. Okay, so...

The black people not being like monkeys, but more like dogs. Where were you when this idea came into your head? What is your writing process, Giovanni Martinez? Were you sitting at a desk? Were you driving? Were you in the shower? Where exactly were you like this? Obviously he was driving. I thought about it.

We're at 24 Hour Fitness. Where were you? Where was it? LA Fitness, yeah. Was it really? Yeah, there's a... They just talk on their phone, on speakerphone in the gym all the time. Was that true? That inspired me to write that. Okay, we were joking. We didn't know you had more.

Giovanni, would you say that black people are your least favorite race? Not at all, no, no. Okay, it sounds like you have a clear answer to who your least favorite race is. What is the answer to that question if you had to pick one race to be your least favorite? Yeah.

Afghanistan people. Oh, Afghanistan people. That is the great answer of a charity ranger. And you've been to Afghanistan? Yeah, three times. Three times. And did you ever have to kill any of those people over there? I don't worry about it. Oh, I love it. Okay. Yeah. You don't get done. Let's bring that up right now. Let's bring up some drama. Get this guy real fired up.

Maybe he'll freak out. He was just racist. Why not bring up horrific things? Well, President Trump, I must say, you know, no one gives you credit, but you're the one that got us out of Afghanistan. I wanted out of there, and then what Joe did. What an absolute disgrace this was. Horrible. Horrible disgrace. You can say it, right? You said it. So bad. My friends were pissed. Your friends were mad. My friends were mad. Well, we killed...

Hey, we killed Bin Laden. We killed Bin Laden. We went back there. We got all the weapons. We got all their Connect Four boards. Giovanni. You had a bunch of butt... What? Giovanni, you were born in America, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was the first one born here. You're the first one in your family born here. Absolutely. And you vote? I probably will this year, yeah. Yeah, I did vote last time. Yeah, I did. And who are you voting for come this November?

I voted for Trump. I'm going to vote for Trump again. Yeah, there you go. Wow. You're a sucker. That's your right, and I respect it, but you're a sucker. He's a good American guy, President Biden. Relax. And how about you, Brittany Martinez? Are you also voting?

Trump giving her the microphone. And who are you voting for? For this beautiful red-headed man right here. Wow. That would be presidential. Wait, wait. Maybe I can change your mind with a back rub. Oh. Oh. Joe, watch out. This guy will fucking kill you. He's aiming an imaginary gun. Suck my dick, Pedro. Oh.

Giovanni and Brittany, even though you're both making your debut today, you said the magic words. You guys are die-hard Kill Tony fans. Here's a couple big joke books for you guys being fearless people. Put that mic back in that mic stand just like that. Absolutely perfect. Thank you. How about one more time for Giovanni and Brittany, everybody? Absolutely adorable. It is that moment.

that you just absolutely gotta love, ladies and gentlemen. One of the elite regulars in the history of the show. Here, with a brand new minute, let's see how loud this place can get for the great and powerful Cam Patterson. What the fuck did that last guy say? Why did it worse? They not monkey, they dog. They dirty fucking dog. That's crazy, dog.

All right, I'll get it to the minute. What the fuck? That's crazy. I went back home. I went back home this weekend and I rode on Spirit to get home. I don't know if y'all noticed or not. It's not funny, bitch. I'm ethical with my money. I rode on Spirit to get home. I don't know if y'all noticed, but Spirit got like the two big seats like in the front so you can feel like you in first class but in Spirit. And I,

And I did that. I rode on the big seat, but I think it's fucking stupid, dog. Because, like, I rode on the big... Buying a big first-class seat on Spirit is like buying a courtside seat to a WNBA game. It's like, nigga, I can see they dildos. Nigga, they still erected.

She just dropped hers on the floor. That's crazy. And my whole, I wanted to take my whole family to Universal because I'm getting a little money now. I'm still ethical, but I'm getting a little money. You feel me? So I took my family to Universal and I wanted to get Fastpass tickets for my whole family, right? So I went, hey, let me get five Fastpass tickets. And the lady was like, that's going to be $872. I was like, let me get one Fastpass ticket. We'll pat that bitch around like a blunt. Nigga, that shit was... That shit...

Fantastic minute by Cam Patterson. Incredible. Passing around the fast pass like a blunt. But let's talk about Giovanni calling you a dog. Yeah, that was fucking crazy. That wasn't crazy. That was crazy. Do you agree with this fucking nigga for that? There's good people on both sides of this and we need to get to the bottom of this.

You said it was a great set. I heard you say it was a great set. You enjoyed that set. Fake. And the liberals, they keep lying to the blacks and they tell you I'm a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm a good guy. What's a liberal? A liberal? Yeah. Gays. The gays are people too, okay? Gay chicken's going to be the Olympics next year. You just wait. Hit me, Red Band.

Thank you, Ray. A little gay chicken noise for you. Absolutely incredible. Cam, you really went to Universal Studios with your family? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Amazing. What did you guys do? We just rode on roller coasters. I like roller coasters and shit. We rode on roller coasters. I love roller coasters. You know, nigga, you 89 years old, right? You want to be the third fucking guy I punch tonight? I love the up and down. It's what America is. It's up and it's down. Yeah. Good talk. Yeah, yeah.

Cam, you are up here with the two candidates for the President of the United States. Do you vote, Cam? My guess is absolutely fucking not.

I be voting, bro. I be voting. What exactly are you voting for? American Idol, AGT? What are we talking about here? My mama tell me who to vote for, and I just do that. Cam, can I tell you something? I'm good friends with Kodak Black, and he comes tomorrow. I'll go, he has a great time. And what do you think of that? Oh, yeah, nigga, you free Kodak. Free Kodak, free ASAP. I'm over talk, nigga. Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, hey. I know the guy who plays Steve Urkel.

Come on, give me some. Come on. Absolutely incredible. This nigga for the die. You are a little fun fact. I've done the road with Cam. We've been all around the country together. And I know for a fact that you are a huge Kodak Black fan. That my dog. Yeah, I love Kodak. He the president of Florida.

He what? He the president of Florida. That is my nephew. That is my Gemini twin. Shout out to Snipe. A huge shout out to young Snipe. Absolutely incredible references being thrown around by... Can you do some shit like that, fuck nigga?

Old ass fuck nigga, this my dog, this my twin right here. My slime. - Why are you tougher to understand than me? - You finna die up here, old ass nigga. - Didn't get that either.

Absolutely incredible show down here. Cam Patterson, one of the... I like your energy. Where do you get all that youthful energy, huh? You came up here, you're a young guy, right? Yeah. How old are you? 25. What do you wake up? You attack the day? What do you do? How do you do it? Fuck are we talking about, nigga? You love life. What do you do? You wake up, you go, ah, here we go. What do you do? How do you do it?

I think he wants you to teach him how to be awake. Thanks, Tony. How do you get so much energy for the day? You know what I'm saying? I have to wake up. I be excited. You feel me? I do feel you. Hell yeah. Didn't even start drinking coffee until this year. Nah, I didn't. Y'all got me on coffee, bro. Yep. That be hard. I like coffee a lot. It's cool. I be shitting a lot, dude. I be shitting a lot. I ain't know I made you shit like that. It's true. Why coffee make you shit like that? Yeah, I don't... Great shits. Some of the biggest shits. Yes.

Some of the best. Red band. Oh, my God. Absolutely incredible. His one fart noise per episode. Cam, you did it again. Another fantastic minute from your life this weekend. Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. We're flying through it tonight.

This looks like a new name. I love new names. Make some noise for your next comedian out of the bucket. J.K. Spindler. J.K. Spindler. Here he is. Howdy. What's up, guys? What's up? I've had terrible luck lately. My car is recently stolen. Cops didn't do shit. It's crazy now. I'm calling 911 nowadays. It's just a dude showing up an hour later going, damn, that's wild, and just leaves.

That's a good news though. I am down 50 pounds this year. Yeah, yeah. Don't clap, don't clap. I just went to get Adderall. That's all I did. Yo, so it's all your problems. I always say Adderall. You still get it done today. You make today 36 hours long.

Turns out, also great for your finances. I'm making 20, 30% more money each year. It's really easy. Anyone can do it. All I've got to do is take Adderall and I'll pay taxes. That's it. Yeah, fuck the IRS. Yeah, we don't like them. You're with them. We don't want you around here, bro. We don't. We are done absolutely with the IRS.

No more income tax, dude. No more income tax. That was a minute from J.K. Spindler. Hi, J.K., how are you? I'm doing good. I'm doing good, bro. Why do you look like that? Are you one of the kids from the Nickelodeon documentary? Clarissa explains it all, huh? You look like the Kleenex box and your face looks like the tissue that's hanging out of the top of it.

It's incredible. The shirt says Kleenex box and the face says crumbled up tissue. Where are you from, JK? I'm from Spring. It's a suburb in the North Houston area. A North Houston area? So I'm from Texas. I'm one of the cool ones. What relatives? Very cool.

What relatives fucked to make you, JK? I do have some losing an occasion in me. It's probably that part. And you did lose 50 pounds recently. I can tell because your pants are bundled up. You have the old pants on. When you lean over, it makes your shirt drew. But if you lift up that shirt a little bit.

Yeah, you see that? The belt is holding on for dear life. That's why the button is below the belt because those are fat man's pants. That's true. You still have your fat pants.

Yeah, well, clothes are expensive now, bro. Well, they are now, aren't they? They certainly are. Yes, they are. Dude, dude. President Biden, would you like to talk about our clothes? Black Friday used to mean something, man. What? Black Friday used to mean something. Now it's just... What does it mean now, presidents? What does Black Friday mean to you? Oh, it's a great holiday. It's a time when black people can buy TVs and printers. We can cut this out.

Hey, why do you look like the guy who hired all the midgets for Wonka's factory? JK, what do you do for a living, JK? I'm a video guy. I do video editing, all sorts of people, all sorts of types of videos. All sorts of people. What types of videos are we talking about out there? I do video for the school district, construction, real estate. I do a lot of video for stand-up.

I do a lot of promos for shows, for big laugh comedy, shows around Austin. It's been a lot of fun. I only started shooting video for stand-up like a year ago, and I want to do it forever, dude. I love it so much. Wow. Incredible. Looks like you found a passion in life. What's your – do you have any special skills or talents, JK? Anything other than editing and stand-up comedy? You seem like you have some interesting hobbies. On stage, I like to shoot guns. I'm big on guns. Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah, dude. I got arse. Where do you shoot them? Yeah, I just go to rifle range. I really like getting a sniper rifle and try to go as long as possible. That's what Austin needs is another great sniper. Yeah, dude. We've got a tower here. You're not going to believe how wonderful the tower is. You could get dozens of people before the authorities.

J.K. Spindler. I feel like there's something we're not finding out about you. What are you hiding? What's the secret? Tell us the secret, J.K. Tell us the secret, J.K. The only thing I'm guilty of is not paying taxes. The only thing I'm guilty of. So are you making money? I made more money this year than video I can possibly imagine. I only graduated college like a year and a half ago. That's crazy. I thought you were 75 years old. Yeah, I did. The...

But yeah, I'm still a dumbass 23-year-old, bro. JK, do you think anyone that works for the IRS listens to the show? Yes. That is correct. Yes, I do. You are correct. I once met some Secret Service members. I won't say under whose presidency because I don't want to get anybody in trouble. So you know it's not Biden's.

But they told me that they listen to every episode of Kill Tony and their little ear pieces. And they probably report to the IRS and you're going to get charged with tax evasion. Donald Trump, can you pardon me if you lock me up? No.

JK, I'm going to give you a little joke book. Congratulations, you got pulled out of the bucket. Drop the book. He dropped the book. Adderall affects your hand-eye coordination. I don't recommend Adderall at all. Get a haircut. Get a job. Believe in yourself. Learn the trumpet. It looks like he manages the animals in the Chuck E. Cheese band. Make some noise if you think JK just bombed.

You know what? We have a special guy that we bring out sometimes when somebody bombs on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. This is a brand new minute from True Nickens. All right. So I got sober three years ago.

When I walked into a Dollar General and I saw these white chocolate macadamia nuts. When I tasted them, it felt like a Yu-Gi-Oh card. I got fooled. It was the best one. And I fucking tasted Red Bull. It was amazing. But then I realized I had one package and I got so productive. It was like I was on meth. I came in. I ran a 5K of blue jeans. I mowed my lawn.

I even did all 12 steps of AA. Now I was feeding when I came back. Paying back to the Dollar General, I was ready. And then $15 generals and $6 trees later, I couldn't find them. It was like they were my quaaludes. And then I looked on Google. And when I looked on Google, I found out this. The company had been out of business for three years.

It was crazy. It was like they were right next to a Chinese nuclear plant. I didn't know if I was hurting my brain more or I was becoming a Ninja Turtle. Thank you all so much. Drew Nickens, ladies and gentlemen, with another high energy, brand new minute. Barely understandable.

Very, very interesting, Drew. How do you feel right now? I feel great. I'm with the two presidential candidates. Let's talk to them about Drew Nickens here. President Trump, I see the wheels turning in your head. What do you think about young Drew Nickens here? I thought he did a great job. I thought everybody in this room was totally captivated. And everyone understood exactly what he was saying. And he didn't scare anyone.

No one was scared, and everyone knew exactly what you were saying. I think you're a great American. He loves you, Drew. Were you voting for Trump in November? I voted for RFK Jr. I thought his set was absolutely terrible. What a complete mess that set was. What an embarrassment, truly. Everyone was scared. No one understood him. He, frankly, came off worse than anyone yet, including the racist Mexican OT. Oh, God.

I'm sorry, Trump. Sorry, Trump. I'm sorry. I'm in a meeting. I'm voting for you now. Tony, chill. President Joe Biden, what do you think about this young whippersnapper? Here's the deal, folks. Sometimes you wake up and you look like this. And you go, I gotta make the best of it. I gotta wake up. I gotta do it. I gotta do what I gotta do. There's a bottom and there's a top. How do you get to the top?

By voting for Biden? Okay, we gotta change your voice. Okay.

Drew, where are you from? I'm from Washington State, sir. Why'd you come here? What are you doing? I'm trying to be a professional comedian. Do you have a day job? Not anymore. I'm full-time comedy. Did you get fired from somewhere? What are you doing? No, no, no, no. I'm trying to be a professional comedian. I left my job. I'm just doing this the best I can do. You're doing the best. If this is the best, then we might need to come up with a plan B, Drew. That's a joke. See, I can try comedy, too. Yeah. Yeah.

What are your hobbies? What do you like to do for work? I like to dance. I also like to play poker. I would imagine you're an incredible dancer. Yeah. Have we ever seen you dance before? Have I ever made you dance? Country dancing, but not hip-hop. Let's do some hip-hop dancing. I like to dance, too. Let's go. One, two, three, four. Oh, shit. Yep. Oh. Oh, shit. Whoa. Hey. Yep. Hey.

Oh my goodness. Whoa. Oh shit. Did you just challenge Joe Biden to a dance off? Oh my God. That sounds crazy. Oh shit. Oh shit. Whoa. Oh my God. Wow.

Oh my God. Wow. Wow. That was... Take that. Without a doubt. Take that, you sucker. That's a handjob from a Sesame Street character. That was the craziest game of gay chicken I've ever seen in my entire life. I'm tired. You must be exhausted. I'm exhausted.

Drew, thank you so much. Another fun appearance by Drew Nickens.

Tony, how many more retarded guys do you have back there? Anything can happen. This crowd is hungry for more retarded guys. Frankly, I don't think we've seen enough retarded guys. How about a retarded racist? Would you like to see it? This next person could be one. I pulled it out of the bucket. It is the Kill Tony debut, I do believe, of Jacob Barr, everybody. Jacob Barr.

Oh, my God. Holy shit. Thank you. Well, well, well. Oh, my God. Careful what you wish for. Okay, hold on. We're going to reset this, Jacob. Going to give you a nice clean slate in a full 60 seconds. We weren't expecting that. Holy fucking shit, man. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Jacob Barr. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. What's up everybody? I had sex today. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Alright. Who wants to smell mub? Thank you. No, no, no. I used my dick. The first time a girl ever saw it, her reaction was, oh, thank God. It was my beautiful fiance. She's up in Michigan. She's a beautiful woman. She's a scientist. She's trapped. Ha ha ha.

She's a beautiful woman. Whenever she tells everybody she's a scientist, I'm always like, "And I'm her experiment that went horribly wrong!" All right, shut the fucking anxious. Shut the fuck up. All right. "I was born without an asshole. Now the hands don't seem like shit anymore."

That's not even that uncommon of a thing. I can guarantee one of you was born without, but your parents were just nice enough not to tell you about it. The fun thing is I have one now and people are always like, "How big was the drill?" And I'm like, "Huge, I'm gaped as fuck down there." There's a funny thing, when you're born without an asshole and you got a new one, your muscles don't work good down there. So I have to sit when I pee

because the muscle that uses to piss also shits. So if you're in the bathroom, you ever see me standing up to pee, I'm either living on the edge or you're about to get fucking pranked. All right, good night. Thank you. Jacob Barr, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit. This is absolutely an incredible moment.

Absolutely. You turned this place, much like yourself, inside out. This is... I didn't realize the letter W could be so hilarious. I give it to... Wu-Tang. I don't know what you said.

I can't hear. Oh my God. Jacob, welcome to the show. The show was built for you. Thank you. I'm very happy to be here. Thank you for having me, everybody. Thank you. Great. My God almighty. This is absolutely incredible. I give your set two thumbs up and two hands in.

Oh, shit. Look at that. Joe, I think we found somebody you can actually beat up. All right, wait. Wait, hit me, Red Band. Uh-oh. Whoa, whoa. Whoa. Oh, he can kick. Damn.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Red Band is not even on the right page of sound effects. Not even close to... We are hours away. Oh, he's already sitting back down. Good job, Red Band. So, Jacob, let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up? About ten years. Ten years. Where at? Michigan. Oh, that makes sense. You've been drinking the Flint water, huh? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Nice and metallic. Absolutely incredible. Now, what would we call that condition exactly? I have Vactral Syndrome. It is an acronym for seven birth defects. Most people only have the limb one, which is this one. I got all of them, so that's cool. So you have that. What the fuck? Just point at my body. Something's fucked up. Just point at it.

The seven deadly symptoms. And you've got them. You've got all of them, but... For a guy with mangled arms, you talk very articulate. It is very good. Very good, very bright guy. It didn't affect your brain. Good brain. Good brain.

Great brains. It is incredible, Jacob. What did you say about your asshole being broken or something? Oh, yeah, yeah. So I was born without an asshole. I have Crohn's, so I got a lot of shit and stuff. So wait, you were born without an asshole? Did they make you one? They made you one. Yeah, yeah, they used a surgical hole punch. Under my administration, Tony. Yeah.

So how old are you, Jacob? I'm 26. 26, and you've been doing it for 10 years. You started at 16, started young. You've always had a good sense of humor? Yeah, it's the only thing I've ever wanted to do, and it's the only thing I've ever been good at. Amazing. I love it.

Do you live here now, Jacob? No, I'm just down here for the summer. I'm just down here hanging out with my buddy. We're hanging out. I love it. I love it. And where do you live? I'm from Michigan. I'm from Ann Arbor. I'm not cool. I'm not from Detroit. I'm just from Ann Arbor. That's what it is. You're a Wolverines fan. That's what they look like, everybody. Just a reminder. Yeah, I didn't go to the school. I flipped burgers there, though. That's funny.

Can you show us? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's the Buckeye fight song. I dropped all of them. I love it. So, Jacob, let's talk about it. 26 years old, born without an asshole.

So when you were... Just as God intended, men should not have assholes. That is gay. Having an asshole is gay. Frankly, under my administration, no men will have assholes. You can have whatever you want if I get re-elected, okay? We'll make you a new butt. We'll put a pussy in your butt. How about that? You'll have the first ever pussy butt. You can fuck it yourself. Hey, come stretch me out, Joe. Come stretch me out. No, that's a hard pass, but we'll make you a pussy butt.

Pussy butt is on the table for you, Jacob Barr. There's going to be pussy butts. Can you imagine? It'd be better than my main one. I used to have a colostomy bag. That's before I had a real asshole. I had a bag. It's extremely sad. You can see it. Oh, shit. Wow. There it is. Absolutely incredible. A giant scar being one of the least creepy things about you, Jacob. It's amazing. Now, when Dr. Graham stood still, why couldn't you see him?

It's a Jurassic Park joke that was so good. You stupid pussies didn't get it. You see? That's what you're gonna get with Trump. Movie references from before 1995. 1997, great year for Jurassic Park. No one saw the second one, Don.

So, Jacob, what is your love life like exactly? I'm engaged. Wow. Congrats. Clever girl. Did you say clever girl? Another great reference from the smash hit film Jurassic Park. Never seen it.

Wait, wait, yeah, let's, wait, do a scene. Say, hey, say, hey, is that a real velociraptor? Ah. Wait, what was that? That was, oh, I thought you said do an impression of a velociraptor. No, no, I didn't say you be the dinosaur. All right. I guess that would have been the obvious choice, though. Yeah.

Oh, shit. Uh-uh, that's not it. Uh-uh, that's not it. Uh-uh, that's not it. Hey, there you go. I know one. That's the only one I know. Hey, I'll be Samuel L. Jackson. Ready? Huh? Wait...

He's not in that movie. No, this is going to pay off. Trust me. Ready? Okay. I don't want to fuck it up. Here we go. You be Laura Dern. I'll be Samuel L. Jackson, okay? Who's Laura Dern? God damn it. I don't know, man. Ready? What's his line? What should he say? He say, hey, are you sure we should go out there? Are you sure we should go out there? Hold on to your pussy butts. Thank you.

Wow, absolutely incredible. I told you it'd be kind of worth it.

So where did you meet the girl that you're engaged to? Oh, I met her on the internet. We started dating on Tinder. We met on Tinder. It was the first person either of us had met on Tinder, and now we're engaged. Wow. Now, did you catfish each other, or was it just you with a single-handed, if you want to call it that, catfish? My hands were in my bio. I made sure to be clear. Don't want to surprise the hoes with the hands, you know? Right. Absolutely. Of course.

all hands on deck. How far have you been up in her? Like, what's your water line? Actually, I just figured out fingering within the past two years. I figured it out. It's backwards. I gotta go backwards. Oh, look at that. Wow. Every one of you. You're coming. You're coming. You're all coming. He is threatening to make everyone in the audience come

You want to be my vice president? I'll finger blast them all. There you go. Absolutely incredible. And your penis works fine? Yeah, it's pretty nice, actually. Isn't that amazing? God has a funny sense of humor. Yeah, God had to give me something. I had to get one good shot. Yeah. Actually, do you shower? Do you have a white snake? Huh? I heard of a guy earlier with a giant, giant...

Giant special need. That's a true Whitesnake reference by the band Whitesnake, for those of you missing it.

Incredible. Do your hands get cold easily? Yeah, that's what... I'm getting some questions from my mother back in Youngstown, Ohio. Do you need special mittens for your hands? My fiance makes me special hand warmers. Really? Is that true? Yeah, yeah. But if I'm cold, like right now, I just kind of stand like this and I shake a lot. But...

No, Joe. No, Biden. Oh, he's giving him the jacket. Biden becoming more easily mobile as the show goes on. Oh, he snipped up. He just did a line of that guy and the punch noise. What is that, L'Oreal? What are you wearing? Hey, well, now I smell like cum, Mr. President. All right, give me my jacket back. All right, there you go.

Good, you're good. Stay warm. Jacob Barr, B-A-R-R. Any relation to Roseanne? I can't watch you do this. Shut the fuck, get the fuck away from me, man. I got this. Watch me struggle. I got this. You got it, baby. That's an American putting their mind and their heart together to make something happen. That's a true American right there. Wow. There we go. He did it halfway, just like an American. There you go.

Absolutely incredible. He's got the right arm in and the left hand out, and he's shaking it all about, ladies and gentlemen. This is absolutely incredible. He is doing the hokey pokey, and that's what it's all about, everybody. Word. John Dee's with the actual instrument, for those of you wondering where that noise is coming from. I do believe he bought the instrument for this comedian specifically. Can you play that again? Woo!

Incredible. Jacob, how has this condition affected you in positive ways? So I work with the homeless and the homeless always try to pray for my hands to get better. So we got a good relationship. Yeah.

That makes sense. Were you bullied in school at all? No, actually, I was the bully. I'm going to be honest. Oh, I love that. So you would attack them before they could attack you. Defense. The American way. A strong offense is the best defense. I was mean to some pretty special needs kids in school, I'll be honest. It was all that was left, you know?

Can you give us an example of what you would say about them or anything that you did when you were younger to bully them? A lot of mean Facebook comments, going to be honest. Do you think that the bullying of special needs people perhaps in some way was karma?

Do you think that God knew that you were going to make fun of special needs kids? So he's like, I'm going to fuck this kid up. Well, I think of it as more like justice, like God sent me here to punish the freaks, you know? I don't know. This is fucking dark. I'm sorry. I think you took the words right out of Trump's mouth on that one. I'm going to sit this one out. You guys are doing terrible. Now, you know...

President Trump, I've always noticed that everybody in the left fake news media has always said that you have tiny hands and that Jacob Barr has normal hands. That joke didn't do what I thought it was going to do. Unfortunately, I actually have very small hands, so please don't bring that up, Tony. But compared to Jacob's, they are absolutely massive.

Here, are we just going to skip over the fact that he got the jacket all the way on? Oh my God, I did it. That's a real American right there. Hey, Tony. That's a cold-blooded American. Getting that jacket on is a true feat. Speaking of feet, I do not want to see yours, Jacob. I wanted to show you guys my fucked up thumb. I got a dislocated thumb if you want. Oh, your thumb? Hell yeah. You want to touch it? It's pretty cool. Oh, yeah. I'd love to get my hands on that thumb.

Oh my god, what? It doesn't even do anything. Yeah, you can feel the bone. You can literally pick the bone. Oh fuck, I'm gonna fucking throw up. That's what my girlfriend deals with a lot of the time. She makes do. She gives it to Ed. She tries. She tries her best. She sucks then.

And then it gets slightly hard and I say, "I'm ready," and I put it in there. Turns out I wasn't ready. I'm not hard. - Guess what? If you vote for me this November, you'll be able to put that thumb in your very own pussy butt. You count on it. - Unbelievable. Jacob, normally I throw the joke books at people. Can you catch this? - Yeah. - All right, here we go. I'm a good thrower, so I'm gonna get it right in the middle there.

Jacob, real quick, step back up to that mic. You live in Michigan, you live in Michigan full time? Well, how about this? From now on, every time that I do a theater or perhaps who knows what the future holds, a bigger venue in Michigan, you're going to do a guest spot on those shows. Jacob Barr, everybody. There he goes. He caught the big joke book. He's in Michigan and I'm sending him out.

On stage. I don't have anything on the books in Michigan, thank God. But when I do... You're never going to Michigan. Speaking of Jacob... There she is again. What an angel. What an absolute angel. Yeah. In memory of Jacob Barr, how about a little hand for Heidi, everybody? Heidi.

Absolutely incredible. And believe it or not, we have one more special treat for you guys. I know the show is running long. This is an incredible time that we're having. What better night to have a Kill Tony Hall of Famer, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, famous for his incredible roasting skills. Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed the long-awaited return of David Lucas! ♪

Yeah. It's so crazy. I got handcuffed the other night and believe it or not, Tony was there to save my ass. But when I was handcuffed, it was so weird because my girlfriend was there and she's like, "Baby, give me the code to your phone so I can call your lawyer."

And I was like, "Officer, take me to jail." "I'm not finna let you have fun in my phone, bitch, and block all my hoes." What the fuck?

I don't know, bro. I gotta fucking go see somebody, bro, because a lot of bad shit been following me lately. I was in LA like seven weeks ago and the Muslim community tried to come for me because this fat 400 pound Muslim lady was in the front row at my show in LA and she had on the biggest hijab I've ever seen in my life. It was like king size, you know what I'm saying? King beds, you know what I'm saying?

But she was on her phone texting the whole time I was on stage. And I'm like, hey, bitch, what are you doing? And she's like, be funny. And I'm like, oh, really? So I'm like, good thing you're not a terrorist, because if you were, it would take three phone calls to blow you up. And that bitch ran out of the room. And I'm like, a little more of that and you'll be all right, bitch. That's my time. Thank you. David Lucas. I can attest to the fact that everything in his set...

Is true. Yeah, it is. Indeed, I got a call from a popular Muslim comedian about the very big Muslim girl that you made fun of. That is true. And indeed, after a long day and night the other night, I got called as soon as I got home. Couldn't wait to call it an early night at about 1230. That's an early night to me, 1 a.m. Yeah, your boyfriend told you to go to bed. What?

Your boyfriend told you to go to bed. He's like, we don't pop fireworks. I lit a bottle rocket out of your ass. I wish. No, it was quite the opposite. It was a call from Brian Redband, who never calls me. And so I knew it was an emergency in the middle of the night. And indeed, you were arrested. Yes. I had to come up here. Within minutes, I was here. Yes, you were. Within, I think,

Three or four minutes. With no underwear on. Then you don't tell everybody.

Actually, funny enough, I don't think I was wearing underwear. I had a bathing suit on. And yeah, I had been on the river all day. Yeah. And I got you out of being arrested. You did. Tony, I don't even know if I can roast him anymore. He saved me from a night in jail, bro. I didn't want to go to jail. That's true. And to be a true hero, I had the night in jail in his place. And I dropped the soap as often as I could. Let's cut to a clip.

Joe Biden and Trump, man. This is crazy to be around you two motherfuckers, bro. It's the future. Trump, I got a question. On your debate the other day, you said illegal immigrants are taking black jobs. What the fuck are black jobs? The illegal immigrants are being extremely loud on buses. They are...

All types of stuff that we said, this used to be blacks. Remember when this was blacks? We liked it when they were black. We could dance and they were fun. And now the people that are Mexican are not fun. Watching y'all niggas all night is crazy, bro. I've been up there laughing my ass off.

It is unbelievable. David, believe it or not, is very much involved in politics. What are you about to say? Well, that's just what I say. What's your stance on abortion? Ask Tony. He's had two. Wait, what does that mean? I don't know. You mean I had babies pumped inside of me? You wanted a man that they can get pregnant. Like Junior with Arnold Schwarzenegger? Yeah, like that movie right there. Remember that?

Remember that Jurassic Park 5 or whatever the fuck you said earlier? Trust me, that was a great joke and the internet is going to prove that I made a great joke and that this room is tired and dumb. A fun fact about David Lucas, he's so black and fat that he eats gay chicken.

Again, these jokes, really, maybe they are dumb and tired. They are fucking. If they've been here for three hours, Tony, that's kind of like, you know, the niggas you hold hostage. They ready to get out. It's fucking 10 to 40 at night. I don't know. The longest show in the Kill Tony history. The guitarist, Matt Muehling, who never speaks, just said, everybody's bombing right now. Yeah.

Everybody is. Fuck you, Matt Muehling. Yeah. Too low. Fire that nigga. David, you're like me. I lost the debate, but you're winning the buffet.

All right, thought I'd know way up here. Yeah, I don't even know what to say to this motherfucker. I love you, Dave. And they killed Tony Hall of Fame now. That's a big deal. Yes, sir. Thank you. Congratulations. Did you celebrate? What'd you do? Did you go out to Red Robin or what'd you do? Red Robin, I... You buy another coat? What'd you do? I got a white girl pregnant. That's what I did. Is white better than black? Be honest. It's different. Yeah, it is. Uh...

is living. Now that's the type of talk that's going to get me a vote from a black guy. I love racist blacks against their own people. What? David, the election is right around the corner. Who are you hoping gets nom nom nom nom nominated?

Hey, Trump, because he was giving us that money during the pandemic. That's my sugar daddy. Hell yeah. Oh, yeah. Trump 2024. Hey, I was sending everyone 15 bucks on Venmo. You just didn't have the internet. That's on you. Yeah, fuck that, bro. I'm voting for Trump. Y'all know who I'm voting for. It's not a secret. All right. Yeah. Not you, Sleepy Joe.

That's coming from a diabetic that sleeps 14 hours a day. Hey, you should vote for me. I stood for BLM. Black Large Motherfuckers. That's fucking dumb. I don't know. You can't get my vote. Fuck that. All right. Well, that's your opinion. This is so weird, bro.

Bro, Shane is the best. Am I supposed to say that? I don't know. Bro, this is crazy. It really looks like Young Trump from Home Alone 2, bro. That is so... It's so crazy, bro. I'm up here... You all got a Home Alone 2 reference and no one knew Jurassic Park. What a... A few years ago, excuse me, excuse me, a few years ago, everyone would have got the Jurassic Park reference. Bro, this is so crazy. It was a Jurassic World under my administration. I mean...

David Lucas is a... It's so realistic, bro. David Lucas is a Jurassic Dark...

Thank you. Thank you so much. What is that? That's not even Jurassic Park music. It is. It's the theme of Jurassic Park from John Williams. Oh, my bad. From back when you were a kid eating Fruit Loots. You ate Boot Loops. Okay. Booty Loops. Okay. Some kids are born without an asshole. What?

Yo, bro, what does this show turn into? That was crazy. Let the record show that Donald Trump said we're pulling out a bunch of retards. No, for real, bro. And then I brought out a guy that looked like he spent his whole life in a straitjacket. Bro, when you birth a child with no asshole and fucking pterodactyl arms, you're supposed to put that nigga on the grill. He ain't even supposed to live.

Just go ahead and eat that motherfucker. Bro, he's not a productive member to society. What can that fucker change in life? Nothing. He can't even put lotion on his kneecap. Neither can you. Nope. I don't believe it. Nope, that's CGI. I got good balance. Look at that. CGI. Fight him. Put it on for me.

You know Joe Biden likes to sniff niggas. Tony, he'll probably sniff your seat after you're done. Be like, was a woman sitting here? Oh my God. Smells like a pH imbalance. Oh, how dare you. There's nothing fishy about my squishy. Don't you dare say that. David, you're a fucking legend. You're a beast. We love you. Thank you. There he goes. The great David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen.

All right. God damn it. We're in super duper overtime. We're going to get this last comedian up. They're going to do one minute and then we're going to finish this thing. Thanks so much for your final bucket bowl of the night. She's been on this show before. Very funny. Sherry Veseji, everybody. It's the return of Sherry Veseji. It's long. Thank you. You know, one thing I don't understand is why do guys announce their climax? Dude, we know. Oh, I'm going to come up.

I'm gonna call mom, I'm gonna call mom. We know, we know, we know, we know. Dude, you guilty, you guilty, guilty, guilty. Your fingerprints are all over the body. Your DNA is all over the crime scene.

The writing is on the interior walls. Oh, baby, oh, baby, I'm going to come, I'm going to come. Okay, okay, stop, stop, stop. What, you need to focus? Dude, you do this 25 times a day in front of the mirror in the bathroom. Like...

You guys sound like a ghost when you come. You sound like a cold engine that won't start. Thank you very much. My name is Sherry Vesegi. Sherry Vesegi talking about guys coming. Incredible. President Trump, what do you say when you're about to come?

I say, "I'm about to cum." I say, "I'm gonna cum." I say, "Hold on. Watch out, 'cause there's gonna be a lot of it." And if there was ever a nasty woman like you underneath it, I'd say, "Move. Get out of the way." "There's a lot of cum headed your way, bitch." Here's my impression of you getting ready to cum. Ready? "Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh. Hey, have you seen 'Jurassic Park 3?'"

Yeah, the one with Jeff Goldblum. Yeah. Yeah, no, the second... President Biden, what do you say when you're about to come? He says, hi, I'm Dr. Phil. See me on the road. It is a good time for me to mention that Joe Biden wanted me to say that Adam Ray's new special is out on YouTube. It's called Like and Subscribe on Adam Ray's YouTube.

Sounds, uh, sounds, sounds chewy. I don't know. Sounds good. Check it out. Wait, I want to know why. So that guy, who was that guy that you were impersonating? Who was the guy? Oh, every guy. How many is that? Not one guy came like a normal guy. That was normal. All right. Well, let's what? But you keep going back to it.

Yeah, because even the next one sounds the same and the next one sounds the same. Yeah, you guys can't get creative. Do you mostly hook up with Middle Eastern men? No. White, tall, white, younger men. Ooh. Hello. Remember? If I were to come out and go... That's different. You should meet my son, Hunter. He's... He can fuck for hours.

Non-stop. A lot of Capri Sun. Sherry, we've had a long show. We've got to put a ribbon on this. Thank you so much. Sherry Vesegi, everybody. There goes Sherry, everyone. She's got the joke books. She's done it all. Before we leave, I mean, there's only one more person that could possibly end an episode like this. You guys know it. I'm very excited to see him tonight. Make some noise for the Big Red Machine. This is indeed William Montgomery, everybody. ♪

We built this city on rock and roll. Bad news folks, do not enter this city. Extreme safety hazards are everywhere. Biden is ignoring everyone telling him not to run. Earlier today he said, "Hey pal, I was the first black female to spend time in a concentration camp. We can beat Adolf Hitler." Is it just me or if the dragons in House of Dragons gotten sexier?

Back in the 90s, I actually stumbled upon a famous running back murdering his ex-wife, and I pulled out a cigarette to take the edge off, and he said, "Hey, don't smoke, kid." And I said, "Don't I know you from somewhere?" And he takes his little glove off and says, "I'm O.J. Zinson." That's Zen joke. Okay, that's my time. Thought the Zen joke might go a little better. What a shitty crowd tonight, Tony!

I've been listening to you fucking pussies for fucking three hours or whatever it's been. I mean... They're pretty beat up. We've had a long... It's been an absolute chaotic, insane show. I don't really think it's their fault. I don't think there's many audiences that could handle this type of show with full energy. This is one for the books, they will say. William, this must have been kind of crazy. You were...

What's it like to be up here with the... I mean... It's actually really cool. I'm actually a huge fan of Donald Trump, so it's so weird you are here tonight, sir. Oh, my gosh. How are you? I thought you did a great job. I thought the Zin joke was incredible. Thank you. Yeah, no, that was a hell of a Zin joke. I thought it would at least get something in the House of Dragons being sexier. I thought that was at least going to get something, and...

So you were smoking a cigarette while OJ was killing his wife, and then he's OJ Zinson. Yes. He said his name, and it's OJ Zinson. Right. But Zinson is hard to say. That's where I messed up a little bit. He's zinning. That's why he told you to quit smoking. He tells me I need to start doing zen. Don't smoke. Right.

That's where I was getting at with the joke, but it obviously didn't really work out. And I have like 10 more of the Zen jokes I've been holding back. So this scares me. I have a bunch of Zen jokes in the chamber right now. Tony, they actually fixed our air conditioner, but it's a horrible problem now because now it sounds like an airport in our apartment. It sounds like a jet engine problem.

Going off in our apartment now. So it's really cold, luckily, but it's just so flat in there now. Wow. So what are you doing to block out the sound? I'm not doing shit, man. I'm fucking... That's why I was a little on edge tonight. Again, House of Dragons joke. I thought it was far funnier and it got...

No fucking love. So it almost makes me feel a little weird, Tony, even to be in front of these fucking idiots tonight. I swear to God, I wasn't even feeling it tonight. It's loud as fuck in my apartment. And it's like all these pussies in the fucking audience. Well, at least you got to enjoy some peace and silence during your 60 second set tonight.

Are you going to clap at that, you nasty looking slut? Oh my God, is that really your fucking wife, dude? Yikes! Holy shit, that is so mean, William. It's like she wasn't clapping at any of my jokes and now she claps at the silence thing. It's bullshit. What is that dinosaur on your arm, a fucking stegosaurus? A lot of dinosaur talk tonight and you would think with all this talk they would understand Jurassic Park. Nobody understood Jurassic Park. I know.

History will look kindly on that joke. I have no doubt. Thank you. President Joe Biden, what do you think about William Montgomery? Oh, I love it. I love it. I love it. You were at January 6th, right? Yes. I was there. I took a private jet with my family, my parents. Yes. Good for you. Good for you. Family's important. What's your favorite thing about this country, William? I know you're a patriot.

Oh, my God. Probably just the good people over at Kellogg's. I recently tried something other than Aubrey and Bud's, Tony. It's the kind that look like little shreds. And it's almost I think it's even better and has a little less sugar because last time Red Bean was telling me Aubrey and Bud's has a little too much sugar. And oh, my gosh, Red Bean, is that a haircut? What?

It looks like I can see that fucking fat roll on the back of your neck even better now, you nasty motherfucker. Wow. God, do your head back a little bit. Let me see that thing. You got him to straighten his head. Do your head back a little bit. Yeah, it's so sick. It does look a little bit like a pussy butt, Redman. It's a hot... I like it, though. Yeah, it is.

There you go. What are you talking about? No, tilt your head back a little. Oh, yeah, there it is. Oh, yeah, you dirty bitch. Oh, God. Thanks, William. So, William...

You're trying new cereal. The AC is working. It is cold and loud in your place. You're not doing anything to block the sound. You're on a low-sugar cereal diet. What else is going on, William? Anything else that you're passionate about right now? God, I stayed at the nicest hotel. There's some hotel called Hotel Cecilia. I had to stay there this past week. It was a wonderful pleasure...

There's a table of women laughing and you seem mad at the laughter now. It seems like you've got... Yeah, it seems like a weird place to laugh because obviously nobody else is laughing. I shouldn't have even started telling that story and it's like, why did you fuck it? Why would you start... Oh, look at those girls. Is that what it's coming from right there? God. How long have you two been together?

Are you, are you implying that they're lesbians? Yeah. It looks like it. Are y'all not both dykes? Is that what's going on there? It looks like a couple of dykes at that fucking table. Tony, I can't even sleep at night. It's so loud in the fucking apartment, dude. I'm really horribly on edge right now. I swear to God. And it's been a long episode. I'm just not feeling it. And it's like, we've got a couple of fucking dykes. Fucking look at those fucking. If you need help sleeping, perhaps Joe Biden can give you some good advice. Uh,

Joe? Sure, anytime I have a tough time falling asleep, which is just about never, I lay in bed and I think of this set. So, Joe Biden, I've been curious. Who's fucking calling the shots? We know you're the one not calling the shots. Who's calling the shots? Who's the puppet master behind the disaster that's fucking Joe Biden right now? Seriously, let me know. Who's fucking controlling you right now? Because we know it's not you.

Are you done? I thought I broke my tooth. Did you break your tooth? That would be pretty awesome if you did. We would pay for it. Thank you. If it happened on the show, we would pay for it. You would? Well, I mean, yeah, we would take it out of the overall budget of the show. Y'all heard it. He's going to fix my teeth.

Well, when I get re-elected, William, what are you going to do with all the money? Because there's a lot more COVID money coming your way. Maybe some monkeypox money. Oh, my gosh. What would I do with that? What would you do with 50 bucks tonight? 50 bucks tonight? Other than pay for them to fucking scissor in a hammock. Yeah. Are you guys really lesbians? No, you're not? All right. Well, way to suck the energy out of the room. What?

Million dollar question, William. I don't know. Probably get some earplugs. I have to get some sort of good earplugs or some, I don't know, noise canceling headphones. So I'd probably do that. I mean, it's literally, it's not good right now. So million dollar question, William, both candidates up here. Hootie, who are you voting for coming this November?

Well, actually, when RFK Jr. was at the shows in Los Angeles, he said I could be the press secretary. So I'm RFK Jr. all the way. He said I could literally be on his cabinet. So that's who I'm voting for. Wow. That is incredible. That's who I'm voting for. And I'm probably never going to.

- Here you go, okay. We're gonna put a ribbon on it. One of the longest episodes ever. Bye, Batman. - What a great show. What an amazing show.

A lot of people say this is one of the best shows that's ever happened. Probably the best show. I'm not tired or have to piss incredibly bad. I'll tell you what, when you have to pee and that guy's fucking screaming, it really hurts. So wrap it up, please. We grew...

How about a hand for the President of the United States, Donald Trump, everybody. Watch Tires on Netflix, Shane and Matt's Secret Pod, Patreon, all of it. One more time for Joe Biden, ladies and gentlemen.

For the record, I can hold my pee for another 15 minutes. And my cum. The new special on Adam Ray's YouTube. It's called Like and Subscribe. Speaking of which, like and subscribe this show right now on this YouTube. Our views outweigh our subscribers. So why not subscribe to the show? Are you okay? Are you joking? Are you actually joking? Okay.

That's not a character move, he's actually joking right now. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. Let's see the drawing from local artist Chris Rogers. Oh, that is indeed Shane's Trump. That is Shane Gillis as Donald Trump. Surprise, surprise, it was Adam Ray and Shane Gillis tonight. How about a hand for them? One more time for the best damn band in the land, that's Matt Muehling, John Dees, Dee Madness, Charles Reid on the drums tonight.

We love you guys. Red Band? Love you guys. Thank you so much. Thank you, everybody. Good night, everyone. See you soon. Bye.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.