#681 - GREG FITZSIMMONS + SAM JAY
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Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? We are here. Make some noise for Brian Redman, ladies and gentlemen. Hi.

Skilled Tony brought to you by Simply Safe Talkspace and ExpressVPN. Guys, how about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Wow. Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, Esteban Viejo, Michael Gonzalez. Fucking quiet ass crowd. Make some fucking noise for the band. Matt Muehling on the electric. John Dees.

And the great D Madness on the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen. Michael, what is it? It's not Esteban Viejo. What is it? It's fucking Raul Vallejo, ladies and gentlemen. The horn section, groove line horns, ladies and gentlemen, or as I call them, nachos bel grande. Okay.

Indeed. A lot of fun stuff planned this episode. Action packed. Before we start, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible for you for free right now here live. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

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I have a pulse. You're going to be okay. Dr. Odyssey, Thursdays, 9, 8 central on ABC and stream on Hulu. You guys ready to start tonight's episode? Well, well, well, every single week I have some of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. This week, no different. One of the returns of one of our favorite greatest guests in the history of the show. And I love to debut a brand new guest who's never done it before. You know her, right?

From the roast of Tom Brady with me, you know him as one of the greatest guests and comedians in the history of the show. Make some noise for Sam Jay and Greg Fitzsimmons! Sam Jay! Irish goat! Greg Fitzsimmons! Booyah! A perfect chemistry mix here tonight. Two great

Amazing comedians, both from the Boston area, the Upper East Coast. Welcome to the show. Yeah, yeah. Sam Jay. What's up, bro? Welcome, welcome. I love to see you. I'm excited to have you. Yeah, word. I'm also worried I'm going to end up fishing with Kyle Rittenhouse after this. It could end up happening. It could end up happening. I don't want that. I'm with the shits. I did go a little wild during the commercial break. I don't normally do that, but I don't know what came out of me, but I've been...

on Twitter all weekend. And shit's wild over there. I just didn't expect chanting. That seemed a bit. Sam and I have been partying continuously with each other ever since the Tom Brady roast. We had a fucking magical night and we continue that took her out on our first river trip. Yes. Why did you assume that was my first river in Austin? All right. Yeah. Yeah.

It's different here. Everywhere else you've been on... Tony's like, you're black, have you ever been in a boat? I was like... Yeah. Well, historically. It's true. And true to the stereotype, when we all jumped in the water, you stayed on the boat yesterday. In very comfortable fashion, there was no consideration whatsoever of jumping in the water.

One more time for the return of Greg Fitzsimmons, ladies and gentlemen. His new special, You Know Me, is out now at Greg Fitzsimmons Comedy on YouTube, fitzdog.com, for his dates coming up in Tulsa and San Francisco. Greg, welcome. It's great to be back. It's just great to see the excitement in these faces out here. It really is. Just drunk and high and...

Perfect for comedy. It's amazing. We have a sleepy cowboy right here. This guy's just fucking exhausted. Yeah. We have a Mexican with braces right here. That's a rare treat. That's a very rare treat. My goodness. What do you do? Chew the bushes while landscaping? It's incredible. What a diverse audience we have here. It's absolutely...

what we have here. Sam Jay is in Sacramento and New York City at the Gramercy Theater. Sam Jay Comedy for tickets for that. Sam's first time as a guest on the show. We're going to have a lot of fun. Sam, you might not know

The 237 human beings' names are inside of this bucket right now. A few of them here on the inside, some fans that perhaps signed up for their first chance at being on the show. The rest are filled in a bar across the street. I pull one of these names, hand it over here, and one of our amazing people go grab them from across the street at that bar.

When they get up here, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. They've gone over their time. And then we interview them.

I interview them and we all just fucking hang out and pitch in and play around and figure out more about them and what makes them interesting. They go from being a comedian to a guest on a podcast in a matter of a minute and anything can happen. The whole thing is improvised and it should be a wild fucking night. Seems to be a lot of those lately. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

So, we have a very special order of events tonight. Things are a little bit out of place. William Montgomery is taking the night off, everybody. Yeah, he's got a sore throat after doing six sold-out shows in Oklahoma City. He's very, very... Oh, Red Band is very excited about that. William is shockingly vulnerable and weak, and...

And he gets sick a lot, this and that. Normally he plows through. Tonight he's off. So we have flipped, reversed, and skipped an order. Hans Kim is out tonight. David Lucas is out of town. So to start tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, I am going to present a...

a legend of the show who's only had a few appearances. This young buck came on the scene, we all fell in love with him, and he's been working really hard. He works here at the Comedy Mothership. You know him, you love him. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise, 60 seconds uninterrupted for Heath Cordes, everybody. Here we go. And it has begun.

A while ago, when I was in Alabama, I was living in Alabama, my mother, my mother, she sent me nude pictures of herself on my cell phone. Roll Tide. Nah, it was an accident, it was an accident. I hope it was an accident. It's all you can do.

You can only hope because when your mother sends you those pictures, you definitely don't reply to make sure. Just checking, is this for me? No, you don't do that with your mother. You report her, she's in jail. All right, thank you. There you go, a new minute from Heath Cordes. That's how it's done. Adorable, sweet, goodness gracious, Heath. How'd your mom's, what do your mom's nudes look like?

I don't know how to answer that question. It was disturbing. I was going in for surgery that day, and she got the numbers mixed up, her booby call, and she was like, "Good luck. I hope it goes well." And then she's like, 30 minutes later, she's like, "Here's something for you." Wow. Was she at the hospital with you at the time? No, she was long distance. Long distance. It's a long-distance relationship.

That should be part of the joke, by the way. When you went in for the surgery, did you say, can you lop off my dick while you're at it? I said, please put me under, please. John Dees on the keyboard asks a good question. Do you still have the pic? No. What happened to it? I deleted it. I deleted it very fast. You piece of shit. Immediately.

Everyone here wants to see it. I can give her your number, Tony, if you want. No, it's okay. Is she tiny and young-looking, too? She looks good for her age. She looks not bad. Sam J., what do you think about this young buck? I'm glad you addressed the tiny, young-looking thing because I was very confused. Yeah. And I didn't know. I didn't want to be inappropriate and, like...

Asked some fucked up shit. Because when he asked you upstairs, I was like, why he letting this kid? And I thought you was going to come out and do some cute kid shit. Like, I don't know. Must have danced. I don't know. I don't know. Was it cute? Did you like it? Did you think it was cute? I liked it, but then I was thinking like, damn, he fucks adult women, so are they like child molester-ish? Yeah.

You get what you can take. I get it, bro. That's crazy, bro. But also, if there's a lot of yous out there, we should be offering them up to the molesters. And just solve a problem. Absolutely. I enjoyed you. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. 100%. Greg, what do you think about this young buckarini? Well, I'll tell you, I just got down south and I was trying to watch some porn today. Not trying.

And they have this thing where they make you, they take a picture of your face to see if you look old enough for porn.

You're fucked. Yeah. Like, they literally say, look into your kid. Did you know this? I just went to the easy porn site. Oh, you went to the easy porn site. Just one that don't require the face. Oh, I didn't know that. I went to X Hamster. Oh, nah. Once they went and let me in X Hamster, I was like, all right, I'm not doing face recognition for this. I'll just find other porn. You could go on VXNN or whatever. They let you do that here. But you love X Hamster enough to register your face with them.

Yeah, except to recognize me, I had to squint and look sad. You know, you wouldn't have to do that if you used ExpressVPN. Go to their website, expressvpn.com slash killtony, and you get an extra three months free. That's slash killtony at expressvpn.com. What kind of porn do you watch, Heath? This is a creepy question to ask a boy that looks 11, but go right ahead and tell us. I like mom's stuff.

Ah. Hell yeah. Mister, I deleted the picture. Sure. I deleted the picture. After you made it your wallpaper. Sure.

Heath, we love you. You're working hard at the craft and you're a fucking little freak. Way to get the show started here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Catch him working at the mothership. Catch him doing his stuff. Follow him on social media. A star of the future, 22-year-old Heath Cordes, ladies and gentlemen. One more time for Heath. Thank you.

And now to the bucket we go. Oh, I know this guy. He actually works here at the Mothership. A lot of these Mothership people sign up every single week and very rarely get on. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? Getting us drinks, fixing the mic, setting it back to human height. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your first bucket pool of the night. An employee here at the Mothership. Make some noise for Fuzzy, everybody. It's Fuzzy. Yeah, yeah.

I grew up Muslim and the worst part about it is that you don't get a badass leader. You don't get someone cool like Jesus. He's cool. You guys get that. That's awesome. I got to look up to the prophet Muhammad. There's no pictures. I don't even know what the fuck this guy looks like. Every picture of Jesus, awesome. Just him at the last supper getting fucked up with his 12 best friends. That's relatable. He's cool, dude. He's so cool. Jesus is so cool. Some people say he was black.

There are no cool theories about the Prophet Muhammad. Huh. I got one. I believe the reason there are no pictures, no photos, is because he was a fat white girl. No, stop it, Allah. No, I feel fat. And Allah was just her black boyfriend like, nah, you look good though. All right, that's my time. Thank you.

There you go. Fuzzy, everybody. Some good shit, Fuzzy. Thanks. I like it. I normally don't love...

religious jokes because it's usually some of the oldest topic, literally, of all time. We have great perspective there. Very fun stuff. I don't think anyone else is calling Muhammad a fat white girl. That is true. That's exactly my point. You were able to dig in and find some perspective. It's true.

Jesus could have been black, I like it, and fat white girl makes sense. Yeah, it all checks out. Do you think that the Muslims are gonna be mad at you for describing Muhammad that way? - Yeah, honestly, I was taking a shit and my name got called, and I didn't know what to do, and I just fucking just did the Muhammad as a fat white girl. I didn't think that was good enough, and I'm probably gonna get fucking fatuad now, so. - Well, you're really putting the fat into fatuad. - Yeah.

Yeah, no doubt. You've been eating all of the food you can possibly get. Yeah, I'm a fat Muslim. That's my superpower. Amazing. Yeah, it looks like it. Indeed.

How long you been doing stand-up, Fuzzy? Four years. And you work here? Yup. What else do you do? What do we not know about you? You've been on the show a couple times. Well, right now I'm walking everywhere because my car keeps getting stolen. Your car keeps getting stolen? Yeah. How many times has your car gotten stolen? Four. Uh, what? Yeah. That's what I'm fucking saying, huh? The fuck's going on? Why do you think this keeps happening? It's a Kia. Yeah.

Are you leaving the Kia in the ignition? How the fuck does that happen four times? Kias have locks. - No, it's a fucking like manufacturing flaw that you can, it's the Kia boys. Have you heard of the Kia boys? - The Kia boys? - Yeah. - Yeah. So it's a viral TikTok trend that showed that you can easily steal a Kia with just an aux cord. - There's a fix for it though. You get a free fix. - It doesn't work, I got it. - There you go.

These kids are smart. These kids are smart. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it keeps getting stolen. It's been stolen four times. Have you tried riding your magic carpet at all? Does it not work when you're a heavy Muslim? It doesn't work the same, huh? I think you need to keep walking. Get down to magic carpet weight. I think, I think, I think Muhammad is trying to tell you something. More walking is in order. I love it.

What else? Shit, dude. Nothing. I just do this. I work. I really am not living enough life, to be honest. I'm realizing right now. This took a turn. Yeah. It does. Much like the planes on 9-11, this took a turn. Which brings us back to you, Muslim Fuzzy. Where were you on 9-11? I was in Pakistan. Oh. Not suspicious at all. Yeah.

Wrong answer, bro. Yeah. The second worst... You should have said you were taking a shit. You said earlier. Pakistan is the second worst answer next to in the cockpit of one of the flights.

Fucking unbelievable, Fuzzy. Yeah. So how soon after 9-11 did you move here? No, I'm from here. I was born in America. We were in Pakistan visiting family. Just visiting. Just visiting. Hanging out. Coincidentally. Yeah, what a coincidence. And then my cousins took a flight a couple days earlier than me.

They let you back in the country? Yeah. No, they shut fucking flights down for like three weeks. I bet. And then I missed like the first fucking month of kindergarten. Oh, yeah. It was fucked up, dude. And then I came back and everyone was like, Fuzzy did 9-11. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just trying to figure out what the fuck Pluto is. I'm an active terrorist. I'm an active terrorist.

The towers went down and you're like, well, I fucking miss kindergarten, bro. Yeah, when you got back to kindergarten, were you just stacking towers of blocks and then flying paper airplanes into them? It could happen again, bitch. Yeah. All the white kids are like, uh, uh, uh. You guys are both from Boston, where one of the flights famously took off from. Your TSA was very weak that day. How do we feel about Boston?

Well, I just remember afterwards, I lived in New York and I remember that they stopped. Do you remember this? They stopped all flights in Boston and New York. They stopped all rides to the airport in private cars. You could only take a taxi. Yeah. Because what better way of stemming the flow of Muslims than only allowing taxis to drive to the airport? They know what they were doing.

I think it was the reverse thought process. They were like, we're going to flood them all in here, run these prints. One stop shop, this thing. Fuzzy, what do you think is the most Muslim thing about you? My dick. Wow. Is it fuzzy too? Yeah. All right. Yeah, I got a fucking little Osama Bin Laden Jr. down there. You know what I'm saying? You look like you got one of them retardedly big dicks. Like...

Like, you look like one of them. I think he calls it Osama bin Laden because it looks like it's hiding in a cave is my guess. You already have a joke book, right? Yeah. All right, there he goes, Fuzzy, ladies and gentlemen. On to the next one. And it has begun the number one comedy show in the world. And we're here all together now.

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Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Mackenzie Jewell. Here comes Mackenzie Jewell. Oh wow, Mackenzie. Hey gang, how are we doing? Alright guys, this is a bit that I like to do. I call it if Predator from the movie Predator was on Chris Hansen's To Catch a Predator. Predator, why don't you send that text to that girl?

I was homeschooled. I was very socially deprived. Have you ever been so socially deprived that when you read Anne Frank you low-key fall in love with her? 'Cause I was reading it and I was like, "She's funny." She's not like other girls.

I watched so much porn and homeschooling that when I saw women in real life, I was like, "Why you ain't got tentacles, bitch?" Thank you.

Mackenzie Jewell has arrived. This is your first time on Kill Tony, right? Yeah. How long you been doing stand-up? About a year and a half. Where at? Houston. I love it. That's where you live now? Yeah. I love it. How old are you? 22. Were you working? You going to school? What are you doing? Just working. Hell yeah. Graduated from Hogwarts and now you're... What are you doing for work?

I do marketing and editing, freelance editing. Ooh, you know what that noise means? What does it... I don't know. Oh, okay. I've been working with Red Band for 11 years. Oh, it's a Harry Potter thing, so you're magical. Oh, hell yeah. Okay, Mackenzie. I love it. What do you do for fun? What are 22-year-olds like you doing for fun nowadays? You know, I just be thrifting, you know. Oh, shit. Okay. Okay, Mackenzie.

What are you looking for when you're out there thrifting? Man, some of that Carhartt shit. Wow. You know. Amazing. How many times have you stolen Fuzzy's Kia? I'm not sure. I love it. I don't steal.

Have you ever stolen anything your whole life? Not the candy store or something like that? You seem like you would steal from a candy store, a couple gumballs or something like that. One time I was at Target and I stole a Katniss Everdeen action figure. And my mom made me come back and try it. She was like, can you take his money? And they were like, we can't take the money, so...

Wow, you got away with it. My goodness, look at you. Amazing. What do you guys think of this 22-year-old amazing transgender comedian that we have here? Well, he said he never stole, but he stole that bit about the Predator. I've seen the Predator becoming the Predator. I've seen that 27... I'm kidding. I've never heard that fucking joke before. That's the weirdest joke I've ever heard in my life.

And someday when you think of a punchline for it, it's gonna be amazing. Yeah, right. Thank you. The great Greg Fitzsimmons dropping an amazing bit of knowledge. You scared the hell out of him. I literally heard his pussy dry up when you hit him with that. That was amazing. I was like, oh, shit!

Hell yeah. I do, yeah, I have gotten that criticism before about, yeah, the no punchline, but, you know, we'll see. Yeah. We'll see. Sam J., how does it feel being on stage with the second funniest lesbian comedian in the world right now? Um...

I'm honored. No. I liked it, dude. I feel like you and the one that looked like a child, y'all should go out and get pussy together. That's what I was thinking the whole time. I was like, you got that unsuspecting, like, I'm kind of weird. Let me suck your titty thing. And then he got the, I look like a kid thing.

I was like, y'all could probably scoop up mad hoes as a combination. You guys would clean up at the playground. Yeah. Autistic hangovers. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. You see the vision. It's like the hangover, but if you guys only had one drink, you guys would be that fucked up in the storm. White girl crunk, just lightweight as fuck. Yeah, white cloth. You got it, baby. You know what it is. Let's write it later. Um...

I'm noticing a little slang. I'm noticing a little streets for someone with glasses as thick as yours. Are you in Houston? Are you from a very diverse neighborhood? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Shout out to the faux faux. Oh, my goodness gracious. I was not on the streets, but I was in the window. Wow. My goodness. Any black people in here?

There's one right here, yes. Don't know if you noticed. It's like if Mick McGovern had a stronger neck. Yeah. Yeah.

I didn't hear that. That's my bad, but I'm sure it was good. It was. It worked. It was. Yeah. It was. What do you think is the most hood thing about you, coming from the faux faux? Man, the most hood, I mean, you know, I just, I try to stand on business when I can. Oh my goodness. I try. Yeah.

My goodness. You're like Mike Jones' tutor or something like that. This is absolutely incredible. I feel young because every reference y'all make is just like going way over. You're like, who? Fuzzy Vane. Who's McLovin? Yeah. Oh, wait, McLovin? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. They got your dress like, you know. Yeah. Yeah. You're like a wild Pokemon. How about that one? Yeah. Oh, yeah. There you go. You get that one. Thank you. GameStop. Yeah.

Amazing. What do you do for fun? Other than stand-up comedy. Yeah, nah, nothing. It's just kind of my whole thing. You must have a hobby. There must be some kind of setup. I like to scrapbook. Scrapbook? No.

I like to junk journal, yeah. What do you put in your scrapbook? You know, I'll just like cut up like magazines and comic books and shit. Oh, you're a young serial killer. This is amazing. I like to cut out the eyes of women out of magazines and make my own women that I would like to be with. So is it delivered or do you go to the store to get 16 magazine?

Yeah, just yeah, just thrift and whatever I can just scrap paper. Found some stuff today. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But, you know, one of the most frightening answers in the show's history, by the way, scrapbooking of all the insane people for a serial killer here. Yes.

Yeah, I've never done it, but yeah, we'll see. I like your style, buddy. Oh, thank you. Thanks for making the drive down. Here's a big joke book. There you go. Mackenzie Jewell has made it to the Kill Tony universe, ladies and gentlemen.

Back to the bucket we go. This is an interesting one. A one-word name. Those historically are always very interesting. Risky business here, one-word names in the history of Kill Tony. Make some noise for Goliath. Oh, it's inside? It doesn't say that. Okay, Goliath, all right. Okay, Goliath is inside. - -

Most of them are at the bar. Usually, if they're inside, there's an I next to their name, which indicates that. Here he is, Goliath, everybody. Hi, everybody. My name's Goliath. My girlfriend calls my dick David. Still haven't figured out if that's a compliment or an insult. But the reason she said she named him that was because as soon as I get my rocks off, I pass the fuck out.

So I come from a crazy family. My dad was in the Navy. My mom was a biker. So that means my first word was fuck. I have, I've always been told that I've got a big mouth, but I have a bigger personality, but I have a bigger heart, both medically and metaphorically. But I've always been told there's nothing small about me except for maybe David. But that's my time. Thank you guys so much. 40 seconds. 40 seconds.

I was not expecting to get called tonight. Well, I mean, how, why would you expect to get called tonight? Fair enough. I did my best. Have you been on here before? I have not. No, actually never. Well, welcome. I've been in the crowd many times. Okay. Well, good to see a Goliath. Uh, how long have you been trying standup comedy? This has been my sixth or seventh time on stage. Okay. Where do you live? Uh,

I live in Las Vegas, but I work in the music industry, so I mostly travel. What do you do in the music industry? I do tour management, security, and I drive tour buses. That sounds about right. The look checks out for that. Thank you. I appreciate it. Something about those big, crusty beards. People like you love being in that industry. Yeah. You drive the tour bus late at night. Yes, sir. You sleep during the day for that.

- Most of the time. - It's an interesting job. A very interesting gig. - It is. - So much trust and responsibility because you have to drive extremely talented people that other people pay vast sums of money to see and no one knows who you are, gives a fuck about you, right?

So when you're back, it's like 2 a.m., 3 a.m., 4 a.m., those eyes get a little heavy, right? 5 a.m., and all of a sudden, you're thinking about, holy shit, if I crash right now, people will never hear Creed again or something like that.

Nope. You've actually kept me awake a lot of nights. Really? I really appreciate Kill Tony and everything you guys do here. There you go. It was awesome just to stand here. I saved Creed's life. I keep your eyes wide open. That was good. I'm complimenting myself. That was good. That was quick. That was good. Can't plan for that. Segwayed right into it, and I hit the notes. Okay, so let's talk about it. What else? What else makes you interesting? Um...

How old are you? I've been in the music industry since I was 15, but I'm 32. 32. Before I started driving tour buses, I was a bodyguard, tour manager, merch guy. But before I did that, I worked for Google for a little bit.

When I was a teenager, I used to run one of the largest underground music sharing websites in the world. Not Napster. Right. That's not a lie. It was called itleak.com. I actually ran it. That's how I got into the music industry. Yeah, bitch. I heard like seven people say that shit. Boom. You just got street cred. I can back it up and the people that watch this later will back it up too. You just got dosed with street cred from Sam Jay.

I love it. What else about you? Do you really have a tiny penis? Is that what's implied by David being your penis? They don't call me Goliath because I'm tall. Wow. Do you ever steer the wheel with it when you're driving at night? I've thought about it, honestly. Very good. You've got to stay awake somehow.

Uh-huh. You only did 40 seconds tonight. How long have you ever done on stage before? I could probably do three to five minutes. Oh, interesting. Greg Fitzsimmons, you've seen a lot of people come and go and start, and you've been around a long time. What do you think Goliath's chances are of being one of the best comedians in the world one day? Please be gentle, Greg. Well...

You started Napster and you're dressed in secondhand street gear. So I don't think you're really good at cashing in on your talents. But you look like Brian Posehn, so you have a shot. Sick. Yeah, you do look like Brian Posehn. I'll take it. He's a little taller than me, but I'll take it. Okay. Well, Goliath, here's a little joke book. I'll take it. You're going to have to.

There's no other option. Thank you, guys. There he goes, Goliath. I'm going to count that 40 seconds of mediocrity as a bomb. And with that, that means I bring to the stage a special force, if you will. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the long-awaited return of Drew Nickens. Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! Nickens! Drew Nickens! Nickens! Drewons! Nickens! Nickens! Nickens! Nickens! Nickens! Nickens! Nickens! Nickens! Nick

When I first got my head injury, I was in a dark place. But you know what pulled me out of it? The children's TV show, The Wiggles! Y'all know The Wiggles. Fruit salad! Yummy, yummy! They're actually doing a tour across the U.S., 18 and up. And I'm so excited, because I'll be able to see my favorite music group and not be put on a registry!

And imagine all the hipsters that are gonna be so fucked up on Coke and Molly, it's people watching for days! But don't worry, I'll be safe. 'Cause I'm gonna wear a helmet to the mosh pit! But I know I'm gonna find my soulmate. We're gonna lock eyes, and two years later, we're gonna get married at a Dave & Buster's! And our registry's gonna be a Buc-ee's and Taco Bell!

And don't worry, I'm gonna get head in the parking lot of a Wiggles concert, 'cause that sounds like a bucket list item. Fruit salad! Thank you. - All right, Drew Nickens, coming in, owning the fucking room. I don't even know what the Wiggles are, but it seems like some people do.

But if I had to guess what the type of person that would watch a show called The Wiggles would look like, that's what the police sketch in my head would look like. It would look like you, Drew. I went to the wiggle room? No!

No Wiggles! Oh my goodness. There's a local bar called the Wiggle Room for the millions of people that didn't understand what he's talking about there. The literal millions of people. There's a small bar in Austin called the Wiggle Room. D Madness is going there right now. He can't hear about it without going and getting a drink from the delicious Wiggle Room. Sam, what do you think about sweet Drew Nickens here? That was fire.

What's up, bro? That was fire 'cause it was in the tone of every '90s commercial I ever grew up watching. So my brain was just programmed for it. I don't even know what you said, but I felt good at the end. I was like, "Yeah, that was complete. I feel good as shit." I don't even know why. So the same way Tyler Perry just be in my brain working witchcraft, you did the same thing. That was fire. Greg, this is your first time seeing Drew Nickens.

what do you think about this bundle of energy well i mean the the outfit alone i mean it really is like you expect to see like a karen getting into a slap fight on the sideline of a soccer game you got the white new balance and the mom jeans and the teeth how do you describe the teeth let's just say if there was a if there was a plane accident and they had to identify you by your teeth

You could tell very quickly. Yeah. They're very distinct. Do you open bottles with them? No. He drinks a lot of energy drink. Tell Greg here how many energy drinks you consume in about a week. So actually, I've been cutting down on my energy drink consumption. I've been thinking about my health, and I'm only at 700 milligrams a day now instead of 1,000. Rock and roll.

Hell yeah. I love it. That's a lot. So how many cans of energy drink does that measure out to about? It measures out to be about four to three. Four to three. I like how you did that. Four to three. We're working backwards here. Yeah. Tarantino answer. Yes, Tarantino style. It's between four and two. I feel like I got to call Child Protective Services. It's like, that's not okay, bud.

He gives reviews on his Instagram. I think they're hilarious. Thank you. Yeah, absolutely adorable set, Drew. You came out guns a blazing blacker than Kamala Harris, which is true, believe it or not. Drew Nickens, I've seen pictures. His father is black. It is unbelievable. He's truly black. I'm not black, Sam. He's very excited to be black. I swear, she looked like she wanted to kill me. Listen, man.

Weirder things have happened. I... I gotta see the pic, though. It is true. Yeah, I need confirmation. I'm sorry. It is true. It looks exactly like if there was a pic of you and him. If you're wondering what it looks like, it looks like you and him. I wanna say, that's crazy. You'd know he was really black if he pulled out a Blackberry just now instead of an iPod.

That is his dad's nickname, Blackberry. They're evolving, folks. They're evolving to not get abused by the police. They are evolving. This is the newest model of black person. See? You getting me close to the Rittenhouse every time. What's up? Look at that. You know what? Not for nothing, this is the black guy I had in my mind. If he is black, he one of them that look like, you know, the white lady got him coming out of one of those facilities.

- He look Egyptian black. - Okay, I got you. - It is incredible. 50% black, which is technically 50% blacker than famous Indian Senator Kamala Harris.

It is quite incredible. I don't agree with any of what's being said. It's okay. I know you have to say that because you live in New York City. It's all right. It's okay. You have to physically say that. It's all right. So the Wiggles, that's on what? Nickelodeon? It was on Disney Channel. It's like an Australian TV show and it was syndicated over in the U.S. It's a great show. Great songs. Great production value. They have an auction.

How many times would I have to get hit in the head with a baseball bat until I start enjoying it? I would say probably 30 seconds, 45 seconds. Perfect. Amazing. Drew, life's been good since you joined the show? Yeah, I went on my first date in two years, like two weeks ago. There's not going to be a second, though. Don't worry. There's not going to be a second date. No. What happened? She said, I can't give you what you deserve.

I just want attention. She said that? Yes. Or was that you that said that? No, she said that. I had the text messages to say it. Oh, she sent it via text. Yeah, it was, dog, I cried to Mariah Carey like for four hours after that. Oh, you stop it. You did not. We belong together. Wow. I mean, I give my all to have. Okay. That's a Mariah Carey song you're singing? She knows.

What the hell is that supposed to mean? Nah. I don't know, bro. We both had a crush on Mariah Carey. What's that like? This is like American Idol when they be showing you the ones that didn't make it. But, like, if it didn't stop. Like, you know, they cut it at some point. I love you, Sam. Thanks. Drew Nickens, you're a special force. There he goes, Drew Nickens, everybody. Back to the bucket we go.

Totally straight guy, just doing bubbles, doing manly stuff, which reminds me, Noche UFC is going down in Las Vegas this weekend and I am excited to see who comes out on top and of course, who comes out on bottom. That's why I partnered up with DraftKings. They have an offer that's perfect right now if you wanna get closer to the action. Right now, all customers who bet only $5

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Kill Tony. Keeping this fun train moving along. Chugga chugga choo choo. Next up comes the comedy styling 60 seconds from Mitchell MacArthur, everybody. Mitchell MacArthur. There he is. Make some noise for Mitchell, everybody. How we doing, guys? My name's Mitchell. I'm a fan of pranks. Not that funny. I went to a school the other day and I pulled the fire alarm.

I'm genuinely surprised with how organized those blind kids were. They made out no problem. A little bit mean, but I am actually glad that I pulled the fire alarm because if I didn't, they wouldn't have seen the fire I started. I learned a little something while I was at the school blind the other day. It's actually very cheap to run. Yeah, no light bill. Little turn, have you guys ever wondered why you never heard of a school shooter at a blind school? Too dark in there.

Sometimes I get worried about making too many blind jokes, but then I remind myself I've never heard of a blind shooter before neither, so I think I'll be all right. All right, Mitchell MacArthur. Oh, shit. Unbelievable. I swear to God.

Even I think a lot. I'm like, did we produce that to happen that way? Nope, just fucking the comedy gods are hilarious. Deep Madness has to pee a few times an episode. He peed before you came out. You did 60 seconds of blind hating jokes and then boom, your worst nightmare comes out from behind you. The most likable blind man currently working in show business. Consistently, week after week,

eating Stevie Wonder's lunch, just out here crushing and killing after you ate it. How does it feel, Mitchell MacArthur? You would have thought the audience was deaf by how they responded to your blind jokes. To be honest, Tony, I'm just glad to be here. I've been a fan for years. Absolutely. I didn't know Kill Tony could stunt somebody's growth. This is incredible to see. I'm finding this out right now.

Maybe you should try dating a blind girl. She won't mind the fact that you're 4'11". I love it. Well, welcome, Mitchell. You're in it right now. You are in that show that you love so much. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? Five months at this point. Five months. Where at? Here in Austin? No, I've been doing it in Knoxville, Tennessee. Knoxville, Tennessee. Okay, that makes sense. Tennessee gets a lot of tornadoes. You look like you live in Oz.

So, what do you do for work in Knoxville? Well, I just sold a house this year, so I'm currently... You sold a house? Was it a little tiny house? Ha ha!

Well, ironically, Tony, I actually am working on my own tiny house. Really? Yes. What does that mean exactly? Go ahead and tell us. Well, it's kind of like in the side of a hill with like a round door. Really? Yeah. Tell us more. It's kind of like a hobbit's hole, Tony. Really? Yeah. And it has a tiny door? No. Actually, it is a tiny door. No, you're right. Oh, okay. You can't tell whether you want to play along with me or tell the truth right now.

I see the wheels turning. I'm a little buzzed, Tony. You're a little what? Little buzzed, Tony. You're a little buzzed? You're a little everything. D Madness is roasting your ass, by the way. He's like, why that sound coming from the ground right now? What's he doing? Tell him to get up. What the fuck's he doing down there? It's called stand up, not lay down.

Thank you, Red Band. Have you ever hung out with a blind person? Where do you think this hatred for blind people comes from? It's not a hatred, Tony. It's really just a joke. It was inspired by D-Madness. I love this show. Okay, good. You're good. You're recovering well. You're recovering well. Sam J., what do you think about this tiny little boy? I didn't like it at all. It was mean-spirited, and that's not what this show is about. That is true.

That is true. Absolutely. I don't know how you made that decision. I'm just going to berate the only blind black man I've ever met. Well, I think it's mean that we don't include them. I think it's more inclusive. I also want you to calm down. I took it as an inclusive comedy. I feel like we put people off limits then.

I feel like, yeah. We don't want your fucking dissertation, bitch. Your fucking philosophy on comedy. You shut the fuck up.

Craig Fitzsimmons, what do you think about this tiny, tiny buckaroonie? I mean, I've seen this show grow from when we sat in the belly room at the store with 30 people in the audience to Madison Square Garden. This guy's got a shot of being on the show and he shows up dressed like a fucking lifeguard. He's shit-faced and his beard is a different color than his hair. What the fuck is going on, man? This is a big shot for you. It's true. Die the whole fucking thing next time.

I'm sorry that it's still colored. Which is real, the head hair or the beard hair? Both. No, it's not. I'm sorry it's still there, yeah. Okay. You use just for tiny men? I haven't heard of that one. You make a great point, Greg, that I haven't thought of. Next time we do the garden, I think we need a gnome. So have you ever thought about that? Have you ever thought about that?

Being a live gnome in somebody's... I bet there's a really rich Texan somewhere that just owns an oil field. It might be this sleepy fuck right here. Well, that's unfortunate about... Oh, you know what? I want a real one.

Give me a little white boy with a beard and curly hair. Give him 500 bucks an hour to stand there butt naked. We keep getting diversity hires, but nobody worries about small people. They're always forcing us into specific jobs. Absolutely. Working underneath houses and bridges. Wait a second. Hold on. Jump. I just heard a noise. Hold on. Jump. Come on. Come on. Do it again. Do it again.

Jump. Oh, very good. You guys really have this down. It's almost like it would seem like all you'd have to do is press a fucking button at the right time. All right, jump again, jump again.

Okay, I guess that's as close as it gets. Why would your soundboard have a delay? That's a whole different problem. It's Apple. Either you're unprofessional one way or you're unprofessional in another way. It's not me. It's the board that I decided to use. Imagine if Deez's keyboard had a five-second delay.

So as far as being short, do you make the cut in terms of like special plates and a different Olympics and all that stuff? Like what is it? Five foot. Is it four foot ten? How tall are you? I'm five seven. No, you're not. You're literally not. Where's the tape measure at? Oh, we love it on this show. We love it on this show.

Oh no, sit down Greg, sit down. I got news for you. We're gonna do you one better, buddy. There's always a scale and there's always a tape measure. After 11 and a half years, we learned we do this shit live. Yoni, where the fuck is my tape measure? Ladies and gentlemen, Heidi with the tape measure.

Make him take his shoes off. Take off those fucking sandals, buddy. Oh, we got news for you. And make sure you go to the top of his head, not the hair. Feel that, Yoni. There you go. What do we got there, Yoni? Wait, wait, wait, wait. Straighten it out. Right there. Go lower, Yoni. What do you got? I'm shrinking. What is it? Five-five and a half, ladies and gentlemen.

Whoo! That's a big lie. I'm shrinking, Tony. I don't know what's going on. Oh, you don't know what's going on, huh? Like you haven't fucking been hoping and praying to grow your whole life. You're right. What do you think, we're blind?

Fits, fits, fits, fits, fits. Oh, man. If the shoe fits, you must wear it, my little friend. I swear I'm taller than that still, Tony. What makes you say that? I swear the last time I was at the doctor, they said 6'2". You're trying to be funny right now. I swear, if I had my wallet, I would show you 5'7". I've never heard of...

Maybe I wear my shoes on. I've heard of pretty little liars. I've never heard of ugly little liars before. This is incredible what's happening here. I swear, Tony. What the fuck do you think happened? Gravity. Okay. Sure, buddy. Don't make us pull out the scale, dude. How much do you think you weigh?

- Oh, look at the wheels turning right now. - What do you think it is, Tony? - There's no doubt about it, I got him at about... - 134. - No chance. Bring out the scale. - What do you think? What do you think? - I got him at about 115. - I'll give him 118. - 118, 115, that's the red band Hinchcliffe range right now. But take the shoes off! He wanted to wear sandals, easy on, easy off.

What are we doing here? You're way in Heidi. Don't change it to the metric system. What's going on there? Hold on. So on, on carpet, Tony. So it's not, it doesn't matter. Shut the fuck up. You don't wrestling. You've been waiting for, Oh, here we go. What do we got there? What the fuck is that? It says the time. Take that. What the fuck are we doing here? Yoni is a goddamn Yoni job. Heidi's supposed to just look good. Yoni. You're not supposed to have her doing math over here.

Oh wow, 130, unbelievable. Somebody let him put fucking rocks in his pockets before coming on. Normally we empty the people's pockets. That's incredible. Do you work out? Not recently. The jungle gym or something like that? I used to do wrestling and so I used to assistant coach. What was your weight class when you wrestled? I don't know.

Start at the lightest ones, Tony. Well, you'll never believe what you're walking away with here tonight. There you go, buddy. Booyah. Congratulations. You were fun. It was a long interview. It was a good set. There you go. There he is. Ladies and gentlemen, Mitchell MacArthur, everybody. Mitchell MacArthur. Trying to say something as he walks away. I don't know what. It doesn't matter. All right. Nope. One more bucket full.

All right. We have another one-word name, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Cain. C-A-I-N. Cain. What's up, everybody? I used to work at this job. I had a lot of wasps flying around. And I swatted it one time. It was flying in front of me. And my co-worker, they go, hey, be careful, man. You know, when you do that, the wasp, they'll spray you with a pheromone. And it lets other wasps know that you're a hitter.

I was like, wow, thank God women don't have that feature. Am I right? Not for me, for my uncles and stuff. They'd be real stinky if that was the case. And I just feel like pheromones, that's such a crazy concept. And if women did have that feature, it just raises the question, what does a man that hates women smell like? Probably like Axe body spray or something. That's what I would assume.

And I just think that's like a crazy con. I think women should have that, you know? Like when you buy a car, you can't ask for airbags. That just comes standard, you know? That's a safety feature. So like, I just picture that. You're at a bar, right? Like a woman and a guy's like, hey, can I buy you a drink? And you're like, yeah, sure.

No, I'm okay. Whoa. All right. Thank you, guys. There you go. Kane getting laughs throughout his set from the crowd. Welcome, Kane. How are you? What's up, Tony? How are you? What are you? What's going on over here? I can't tell what the hell's going on over here. Mexican. Okay. Yeah. Welcome, Kane. How old are you?

Today's my birthday. I'm 27. Happy birthday. Thank you. Thank you. How long you been doing stand-up? One year, nine months. One year and nine months. That's a great answer. You know it down to the fucking date. Yeah, man. What do you do for work? I build airplane engines. Wow. Airplane engines. Yeah. Aviation maintenance technician. Okay. Absolutely. Incredible. Sam, what do you think about this guy? I think it's cool that he answered one of them commercials. Like, you want to be an aviation...

That's fire. Yeah. I always wonder about the niggas that call. Like, yeah, I do want to do this shit. So that's dope as fuck. It's one of those commercials where they're like, you sitting at home on your couch. That's fire. I'm proud of you. Thank you. I also thought it was a really good set. Thank you. I appreciate that. He has a whole fucking joke. Yep. You stayed on topic. And you stayed on topic. And that's not easy to do in a minute. And I liked it.

When you heard the thing, you kind of sped it up. You were kind of in a little pocket, but you were like, I got to get this shit out. And you were going to get to the shit. So that was cool to me too, man. Good job, man. Thanks. I appreciate it. I love you. Thank you. Yeah. I watch you a lot. That's it. Thank you. Yeah. Hell yeah. There you go. Greg, what do you think about this Mexican...

The Mexicans in general or like? I mean, the glasses, you look like Elton Juan. I appreciate that, yeah. Rocket, mijo. Yeah, I know. I wanted to stand out.

I love it. They look great. These are the glasses from a casino. They're what De Niro wore. Yeah, yeah, they are. I like that. They have the quote on the inside of the leg. That's fucking sweet. Rothstein, right? What is his last name in the movie? Oh, I can't remember. Sam Rothstein, yeah. Absolutely. So these glasses mean nothing to you in actuality? Yeah. You're a fucking fraud. He's like, I don't even know what the, what? What are you talking about?

Yeah, I just liked them. They are great glasses. Thanks, man. I appreciate it. They really are. That's a great puffer you have on. Thank you. I like the one that you're wearing underneath your shirt. What's on your chain? What do you got there? This is a centenario. It's a Mexican coin from 1947. Wow, Michael Gonzalez just got hard as a rock. I don't know what it means, but...

What does the Mexican coin mean? So Mexico went crazy back in the day and they just decided to make... Back in the day? So you're telling me. I don't know if you've seen our border. You can pass it down. They decided to make solid gold coins, so it's... Wow, Greg doesn't give a fuck about it. Jesus, get that shit away from me. Yeah, so it's real... All right, I'm kidding. Wow, this is incredible. 50 pesos, 375, oro puro...

Yeah, it's a real 24 karat gold. Yeah. That's fucking beautiful. Thank you so much for this. It's absolutely incredible.

Absolutely stunning. Thanks, man. And then what's the ring? Is that the Longhorns? No, it's a Mercedes-Benz logo. Mercedes-Benz. And what do you drive? I drive a BMW. Wow. Look at you, dude. What's going on? I like German cars. Okay. Yeah. All right. Why do you like German cars? I grew up a Chevy guy. And then when I started working in aviation, I bought a Porsche. And I fell in love with it. And so I've been buying BMWs and Mercedes since then. Unbelievable.

Have you thought about IKEA? Because they'll steal the BMW. These guests have been like, it's like, all right, if there was an autistic Pokemon and we just saw him getting greater and greater and greater and greater. Because now we at the like gold chain BMW level. Yeah.

What's next? They never cease to amaze. So many different shapes and sizes and personalities. A Mexican airplane engineer. Yes, sir. Absolutely incredible. Someday a woman will be up here. You ain't shit, Greg.

What else should we know about you before I let you go, Kane? Give us a fun fact about your wild and crazy life. Any hobbies, special skills, or talents that would surprise us? You a jump rope phenom or something like that? Well, I used to be. I was a boxer for like 10 years on and off. Wow. Incredible. Really? Can we put the mic in the mic stand? Let's see a little shadow boxing here. I haven't done this since I was like 18. Okay. Oh, shit. What?

- Okay, all right, very good, very good. You're like Rocky Road. - Yeah, man, appreciate you. I actually, I got fat. - That looked like some shit on Wii Fit. - Yeah. I went back to my gym when I was like 19, and they were like, "We don't train anyone over 18." And that's when I got fat, so yeah. But I'm a Golden Glove champion. Like it's in the records. - Why were you going to a pedophile's gym?

We want only kids under 18 here. Yeah, man. That's Dallas. Absolutely amazing. That looked less like boxing sparring than somebody that walked into a spider web. Yeah. I think the shadow, that's the first time the shadow's ever won a boxing match. It's incredible.

It is incredible. The shadow, by the way, is six foot two. We measured it out. Unlike Mitchell MacArthur, the tiny, tiny little man. Five-five. Five-five. No doubt about it. I almost stepped on him walking up here, yeah. Yeah, that's what it would have sounded like. Like a little tiny rubber ducky.

Anything else we should know about you, Kane? You seem like you... I pretended to go to college for two years. Ooh, who were you pretending for? Your parents? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Yo! I just saw his Netflix documentary where this Asian girl pretended to go to college for two years. My sister sent me that, yeah. She killed her family. Oh, I saw that. I know about that. Did you kill your family? No, not yet. No. Yeah.

But they might ride on one of the airplanes that he's the engineer for one day, and he's going to get his revenge. I worked for Boeing, for sure. You don't work for Boeing? Fuck no. Great. You're doing a good job out there. Now that we've mentioned Boeing, we're probably all going to be assassinated after this. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Funny Kane on social media. Underscore. His name is Kane. As you can tell by the music, the Mexicans are very biased towards their own kind.

But the tone of the music is about to change as I present to you one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. A fucking phenom. Ladies and gentlemen, you know him, you love him. This is Cam Patterson. I was in Utah this weekend and...

Mormons like guns. I didn't know that. They really fuck with guns a lot out there. Like my homeboy had a brother, he had a gun, he had a lot of guns in his truck. And he had like any gun you could think of. There was like so many guns. And then, like it was crazy. And at the back of the truck, there was also like a first aid kit. And then when I opened it up, it was just more guns. I was like, oh, you just an asshole, brother. When I shoot you, then I'm going to really kill your ass, dummy.

The funny thing was, most of his guns had silencers on them, and that's terrifying, right? Because he's not an assassin. He's an accountant. You feel what I'm saying? Why do regular people have guns with silencers on it? What are we doing? I asked him, I said, hey, man, why do most of your guns have silencers? That's kind of crazy. He was like, well, that's if you shoot somebody in your house and you don't want to call the police. And I was like, you a murderer. That's...

You're so bad. Yeah, that's it. I take it. Did it again. Add it to the mix. That's another minute from the great Cam Patterson putting out so much content, living the dream, selling out absolutely everywhere, having to add shows, theaters, everything, huge offers.

A true fucking kill Tony freak specimen. You changed my life, nigga. That the system is working. And another new minute here tonight. You sound like the coach from Dallas Cowboys. I... You'd be... Fucking relax. That is how we approach this.

What the hell were we talking about last Monday after this show where we were cracking up? Oh, fuck. What was that? Disintegrate. Oh, my God. It was disintegrate. I don't even think we can talk about it now that I think about it. No, we can't say it. We can't say it, but it's pretty funny. It's the funniest. Y'all will never know how funny it was because we can't talk about it because it's pretty fucked up, but it's pretty funny. Huh? Fuck you. Oh, my God. Michael Gonzalez.

A little chimichurri on that roast. What the hell did you just say? I can't spell it. Okay, let's do it. Nope. Not at all, brother. We were talking about how...

breaking down the walls of things and this and that. We're having one of those just living the dream talks. And he said, we're not just doing this. We're disintegrating them. And I said, and you can't spell disintegrate without... And we laughed for a bit. And we got sidetracked. And a minute or two goes by and he says, oh, great. And I go...

No, Nick. I was like, oh, shit. You're wondering what me and Cam laugh about at 2 a.m. if you ever see us flying across the bar. That shit was funny as fuck, though. We really make each other laugh very hard. That shit was funny as fuck. We might have to edit that out of the podcast. I don't know why you did that. I told him we were going to tell him that you told him. I know. I couldn't help myself. Red Band said I should say it. I don't know why I listened to him. Why would you do that to yourself? I don't know.

No one's going to believe them. Phones are locked up. Yeah, it's over. Perfect. You heard nothing. We're going to keep it in the episode. Why are you excited? You're here.

Anyway. Cam, what else is going on? You were really in Utah, huh? I was in Utah. That place is wild. Utah is a very interesting place. It's pretty strange. Yeah. My dad, you know, he come everywhere with me on the road and shit. And there was a porn star in the front row. And I didn't do a mean greet after the first show because I just wasn't feeling too great. But we found out she was a porn star during the show. And he brought her in the green room playing her porn. He was like, look, there's her. And she getting ass looking at her. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

And then she was like, "Hey, that's me. Yeah, that's me." And the funniest shit, like, she the only fans of mine, so she was doing it, like, with her husband and shit. And so then my dad go, "That's him, little dick nigga. That's him, the little dick nigga." It was my favorite part of it. You thought it was fun.

It was fun. I didn't fuck that lady, but I thought about it a lot. I thought about it. Because he kept saying, like, you can fuck my wife if you want to. And I just kept thinking, he going to be there. That's the scariest part. That's the scary part. Yep. Cross-eyed watching. Cam Patterson's fucking my wife. Yep. He's going to get his rocks off. Greg Fitzsimmons. I mean, that's what I was going to ask you is, like, you know, your father's your manager. No, no, the hell he not.

Not exactly, but... He just be there. He just be around. He just like being around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is he just be taking 10% of your money? No, no. Oh. No. He don't take no money. Well, actually... I have no idea why you're lying in his defense right now.

He don't take no money, but when I first started doing stand-up, we had made a deal, right? So I was broke, obviously, and so we had made like merch. He was like, hey, for the rest of your career, right? He was like, for the rest of your career? What the fuck? Hey, don't play this, nigga. You're fucking up. You're fucking up my tempo right now, Red Band. Goddamn it. I got scared of this shit. Oh, we in the courtroom, nigga? What the fuck? We in the courtroom, nigga. So stop, nigga.

That's scary. So when we started, when we started, he told me, he was like, he was like, you got to understand something. I'm going to make your merch. I'm going to make your merch. Oh, ignore me, Cam. Go ahead. Tell the story. I got ADHD, nigga. So I'm going to make your merch, but I need, we're going to split it 50-50 for the rest of your career. That's what we're going to do. And I was like, yeah, no problem. And I was broke on the couch. I was like, no, we can do that. And now, like, we're making a little bit of money. And now he's like, so...

They don't know how to play the court thing. The horn players are immune to the court music, I guess. Okay. So he took care of you. Yeah. And then there's a little... So you guys give each other reparations. It's incredible how things are changing. This is absolutely amazing. I love the looks that I'm getting from Sam Jay tonight. I got backup now, nigga. No.

We're having fun here. Sam. Yo. This is so fun. I can tell you something else. Yeah. I bet my homeboy $5,000 in drunk basketball. You played him for $5,000? Yeah. What? In Utah? Yeah, Utah. Oh, my God. Then what happened? Well, I beat him. Wow. Obviously. But I beat him, but I didn't drink at all.

Genius. He drank all the... He don't even know this yet. He don't know this yet at all. So the game plan was, I was like, bitch, I can beat you in basketball. He was like, no, you can't. He's a little bit taller than me, so I probably couldn't. So I was like, you know, we should play drunk basketball. How tall is he? Five, five and a half? He's like six, two. He's like six, two. And so I was like, we're going to play drunk basketball. So the whole night,

I'm feeding him like real shots and they just give me water shots. And then at one point... That's how date rapes start. Well, I didn't fuck him in the ass, Jay. I just beat him in basketball. All right. Yeah. So they kept giving him like, they just kept giving him liquor. And at one point I felt bad because he'd been drinking margarita and shit the whole show and I'd been drinking that all. And I was like, let's just do five shots instead of eight. And then he was like, no, you pussy, let's do eight. I was like, you know what? Yes, let's do eight.

And then we took eight shots, and then I just beat the fuck out of him in basketball. He would never know until this episode comes out. Amazing. Did he pay you? Huh? Did he pay you? Yeah. Wait, he paid you? Yeah. He already paid you? What? I mean, he would pay me in increments. Whoa.

He should only pay you if you can spell that. I can spell increments. You gotta start spelling, boy. I can spell increments. I'm upset. What? You spell increments? I didn't claim to. I can spell increments. I'm not up there saying increments. I just know big words and shit. I know big words. I can spell increments. Now we gotta fight for our race. What shit? Somebody gotta spell something. I'll get it. Look at the back.

Spell increments, niggas, increments. Cam, I'll give you $500 if you can spell increments right now. Yeah, we are. Oh, yes, we are, Sam. Welcome to Texas, Sam J. This is Black Spelling Bee. $500 on the line. The word is increments. You can ask any question you'd like.

It's origin. It's... This is crazy, bro. You could ask me to use it in a sentence. I'm gonna go home, bro. Nope. There's no home. In fact, we canceled your flights for tomorrow. Can I... Increments. Can I phone a friend? Nope. There's no phoning a friend, and we just got word none of your friends know how to spell it either.

Would you like a definition, perhaps? I know what it means. Yeah.

An increase or addition, especially one of a series on a fixed scale. The inmates pay can escalate in five cent increments to a maximum of 90 cents an hour. I'm not kidding. That is the example they give in the Oxford language dictionary. You cannot make it up.

Yeah, I can't. I don't know why it would be the evidence. I'm going to take a shot at it. Okay, can we like, like if I'm starting wrong, can you at least let me know I'm starting wrong? Wait, is this, are you guys both spelling it? No, I'm going to go by my, we're going together? Yeah. It's a tag team? We got it. Wait, you guys...

I believe in us. It's automatically down to $250. I'm so upset. You guys are splitting. I only have $500 in the budget. Wait, wait, wait. What? Wait, wait, wait. That's not how fucking spelling bee works. You guys... You...

Listen, white people, listen. Nah, do your job. You don't get to tell them when they're wrong. It's my show. You're done. You are done. Put that fucking mic down. You are done. Now, ladies and gentlemen, to definitely not spell it correctly, I present to you, this is black spelling bee, Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. N-E-N- Wait, what was that? Ah!

- What did you just say? - No!

I'm a genius! Just to let you know, the part where you said N and the whole room goes, no! Was the part where you lost. And that was another segment of Black Spelling Bee, ladies and gentlemen. Who wins? All of us. Damn.

It was good, though. That was good. It was an M. It was an M, and then the room corrected you, but don't worry. There's a lot of people at home saying N right now as well.

I got farther than all y'all thought I was going to get. And that's all I care about. I'll tell you this. I honestly thought, I didn't see you accidentally saying N instead of M on my prediction sheet, but I thought you were going to spell it Mints, as in like Mints, M-I-N-T-S for sure. I was like so positive. But there you are, full of surprises. Inchronance.

Always fucking entertaining as hell. One more time for the great Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my goodness. Bellingby is its own Kill Tony spinoff show. Again, we reserve the right here. That is my property. I don't know why I sounded like Trump just then. It's my property. You've been doing that a lot tonight.

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Oh, it's such a clutch off-season pickup, Dave. I was worried we'd bring back the same team. I meant those blackout motorized shades. Blinds.com made it crazy affordable to replace our old blinds. Hard to install? No, it's easy. I installed these and then got some from my mom. She talked to a design consultant for free and scheduled a professional measure and install. Hall of Fame's son? They're the number one online retailer of custom window coverings in the world. Blinds.com is the GOAT!

Shop blinds.com right now and get up to 45% off select styles. Rules and restrictions may apply. All right, back to the show we go. Ladies and gentlemen, the fuck are you doing back there? I'm going to get her another drink. Oh, yeah. What do you want? Old-fashioned?

Manhattan? I'm not drinking the old fashioned. What is that? It's Hennessy with ginger beer and an orange slice. Hennessy with ginger beer and an orange slice? Ladies and gentlemen, it appears as though Black Spelling Bee is going to have round two here. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool. We're going to meet them all together. Make some noise for Jake Hayes, everyone. Jake Hayes. How's everybody doing?

I've been going to therapy recently. My therapist told me anytime I'm upset, I need to use "I" statements. I don't think that was the best advice, 'cause now anytime I'm in an argument, I'm just like, "I've been losing arguments." You gotta stick to "you" statements, people. Like, "You stupid bitch!" They say abs are made in the kitchen. I don't really think that's true. None of the women I know have six-packs. A bun in the oven, maybe. Yeah, man, women, they're fertile these days. They really are, which is why I've been thinking about getting a vasectomy. Just want to be dishwasher safe.

Growing up, my dad got me into comic books. Turns out Spider-Man's my favorite superhero, 'cause he reminds me a lot of my dad. Not only is my dad my hero, but he also hung himself from the ceiling. Coincidentally enough, he was black, which I wasn't upset about the whole situation. I was more so appreciative of the fact that I'm one of the few black guys whose dad actually hung around. Thank you, that's my time.

Jake Hayes with his Keltoni debut. Is that correct, Jake? Your first time here? Yes, yes, sir. Okay. How long have you been on stand-up? Like a year. Where at? Houston. With McKenzie. He was just on, right? Yep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. Secret group. Yeah, definitely. There you go. Represent. Secret group. Okay. So about a year at the secret group. You have a black dad? I do, yeah. Is he alive? I honestly don't know.

I fantasize about whatever happened to him. I don't know. I don't know if he is or not. But he is black. Checks out. Oh, Sam's on to who does the sound effects around here. Okay. Now you have a black beard and a different color hair. This is the second time someone like this has been on the show. Are you aware that your hair does not match the color of your beard?

I am now. You didn't notice that ever? Kind of have reddish hair? Sure. Sure? Yeah, I guess. Yeah, yeah. No, today I'm in the moment noticing it now, yeah. How old are you? 38. 38? And you're literally being informed right now, live on a show, that your hair and your beard are two different colors? I mean, you know, yes. I'm going to have your beard spell the word increments real quick. Okay.

We're going to find out if it's actually black or Sam J. Let's check in with Sam here. Uh, what's your name, sir? Blind, sir. D Matt is, he said 38. D Matt is said, God damn. And that's, that's been making me laugh a lot. Yeah. D also, uh, partakes in the Hennessy during the shows. Man, that was good. Um,

You came out and you yelled at bitches, right? That was the start? What was the start? Therapy.

You was like, fuck therapy? No, no, no. I've been going to therapy. And my therapist is, yep, yep. A bitch or something? Somebody was a bitch immediately. Let's not skip around that. You walked out and it was like, something, something, bitch! And I was like, oh. Yeah, no, I was saying, my therapist was teaching me I statements, right? And then they're not working. So then I said, you got to stick to you statements. Bitch. You stupid bitch. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the part I didn't like. Yep. It wasn't directed towards you. I didn't like that. Okay.

Jake, what do you do for a living? I'm a nurse. Oh, okay. What kind of nurse are you? I used to work in trauma ICU. Now I work in prisons and jails. Okay. What made you want to start working in prisons and jails? Are you looking for your father? You know... The looks Sam J. are giving me. If I could get a compilation of all the looks I get from Sam after this, that'd be great.

Honestly, I just saw the opportunity. I was in the military for a while and it kind of seemed like similar. Yeah, they're very similar. Okay. What'd you do in the military? I was a special operations medic for the Navy. Wow. Amazing. Look at that. An American hero. I love it. You saw some crazy stuff over there?

I mean, you know, just regular stuff, I guess. Okay, you just went into a PTSD moment right there. That was pretty wild to see. Jake, what do you do for fun? For fun, skydive, scuba dive, like shooting guns, skateboarding. I started comedy a year ago, so that's kind of fun. What made you want to start comedy? I think, like, you know, it's just like,

After I got out of the military, I just wanted something to continue to do, like work towards and continue to grow. There's no real cap on it. So I just wanted to continue to work towards something with no like real ending just to get better at something and work on. I've always liked comedy. So it seemed like it would be a good idea. Right. I like all that. I like all the hobbies that you've made up for every fucking loser that's been on tonight. That literally does nothing with their life at all. And you're doing all of it.

You'd be shocked how few hobbies we have up here. Oh, okay. Yeah. Hell yeah. You keep yourself distracted. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Shrooms too. Yeah. Okay. Let me see your abs. You look fucking ripped. Oh, no, no. I'm not in shape. John, let me see. Pull up your shirt. Uh-oh. Whoa, he's black. Oh, no. 38. Not bad. Yeah, I don't know.

There's no six pack or anything. I'm just, yeah. All right. There you go. I'd fuck myself, but that's about it. One extremely horny lady in the middle of the room. Literally willing to fuck a centaur up here. You know what a centaur is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that what I come off as? Yeah, you're very centauresque. You literally could have the body of a horse behind you. It's a very special type of human. Yeah.

There you go. There's the sound of a centaur. Centaur music. All right. That's galloping. Come on. Hit it. That's you. That's you. All right. That's cool. Yep. Jake, what's your love life like? None. Aw. What do you mean, aw? What do you mean? I mean, I don't know. Are you on dating apps and things like that? Nah. You meet women in public? How does it go? It doesn't.

Have you ever talked to him? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How does that normally... Bro, look how he just moved his arm up. Oh, yeah. Stop. He closed off his body language. Stop. Yeah. Don't do no more, bro. No, I got to. We all want to live tonight. No, I got to go a little bit further. Leave that man alone. I got to go. I just had that same feeling. Something fucking switched. Yeah, he went up like, hey, stop it, bro. Something switched. He opened up his arms behind his back now. Centaur movement. But now they like fight. It's like fight. It's like...

It's like fight stance. He just literally went... He's trying to not be a centaur and he keeps just fucking up. I don't know what I'm doing to be a centaur. Dude, you're a centaur, dude. You are a centaur. Every time you try to hide your centaurism, it comes out even stronger. If you were to go to the ocean, you would emerge from one of those waves, like one of those horrible paintings. Yep, yep.

What do you think is the less sleest centaur thing about you? I don't eat hay. That is the worst choice. The top is human. Why would you eat hay? Right, you wouldn't eat hay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should have been like, I'm not a centaur. I'm not half a horse. But you were like, I don't like the food.

I mean, honestly, at this point, everybody thinks I'm a centaur. I don't know how to get out of it. I don't know if everybody... Do you guys think he's centaur-y? Well, yeah, yeah. No, it is everybody. It's 100% of the vote inside the room for those of you listening to the podcast. This guy's very excited about it. He just described bullying. Ha, ha, ha.

I am not a half a horse. Stop it. I got bullied on Kill Tony. What was it? Was it your race? What was it? No, he said I was a half a horse. He insisted. The room went crazy. I mean, I get the half a horse from the waist down thing, but like, I don't think... You don't think your top half is centauresque? Nah. Nah, nah, nah.

I galloped right into that one. Dude, dude, I love it. I fucking love it. Absolutely amazing. And you've never been in a stable relationship. Nay. Here's a big joke book. Oh, wow, thank you. There you go.

Thank you so much. Thank you guys. The set was all right, but I'm giving it to him. I like the interview. Oh, there he goes. Listen to the sound of him walking away. Very interesting. Oh, wow. Oh, my goodness. All right, another bucket pool. We're flying through. You guys still having fun out there?

Make some noise for your next comedian, Joe Filey, everybody. Here's Joe Filey. Make some noise for Joe, everyone. These people wait all day. Some of them travel from around the world. They fly here for this. Kill Tony, how we doing? I like that reaction. That's good. You know, I've been talking a lot with my friends about having to talk with my dad. And my talk went way different than all their talks because, like, I sat down. He's like, son, we both know what you look like.

A lot of girls are gonna say no. And that's okay. You just gotta get 'em drunk enough you can hold 'em down with one arm and cover their mouth with the other. No, that ain't true. I would never rape a girl. I only half-raped a girl. I had a conjoined twin. And this bitch had two heads. Well, no, these bitches had one body, I guess you would say. It was definitely the best of both worlds. Like, one head was yelling yes and the other one was saying no. And I was like, "What more could I ask for?" The only thing I could ask for more in that situation would be a nugget.

The people laughing, you got fucked up Reddit. A nugget's a chick with no arms or legs. Like just picture, I could come in her three times and just throw her in the closet like a sock until mom finds her.

All right, that's my time. Thank you all. All right, ladies and gentlemen, it's the first time we've had a double felony admitted to during a 60-second set. You've got to do it. If you're from Youngstown, you're going to have felonies in a minute. Okay, yes. I mean, yeah, I guess it's okay to... You can joke about rape as long as you don't look like a rapist. You know...

The problem with looking like a rapist is never the chick I want to rape that's saying I look like the rapist. It's always like a Chevy Cavalier when I want like a Camaro. Everything is getting scarier the more you talk. You are... Listen, Halloween's almost here. I'll come back. Okay, all right. Just slow down, Joe. Slow down big time. Breathe a little bit, buddy. Breathe. I'm breathing. I'm calm. I'm sober this time for you. Okay.

All right. You've been on this show before? What were you on last time you were on this show? The way you say you're sober. It was the double... Oh, I was on cocaine last time and weed. Oh, wow. All right. Jeez, you just have no filter whatsoever, do you? No, no. We're just living life, bro. It's 6th Street. Okay, sure. 6th Street. What the fuck? Joe, talk less. Yeah, I got you.

You sure you're not on cocaine tonight? Nine months, I'm back on, bro. It's a good time. Okay. It's been nine months since you were on the show. Yeah. And now you're back. Yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy, Joe? It's been

It's been about two and a half years. Two and a half years. Very good. What do you do for work? I work at Amazon. You work at Amazon. Not anymore, by the way. Oh, no. Listen, I got demoted because the last time I was on here, honestly. Wait, are you serious? Yeah, I said I work with retards and my boss is retarded and I mentioned cocaine and I went back and I was no longer a manager. Yeah. It was worth it. It was worth it.

So, Joe, let me ask you, what do you think's going to happen this time? Fuck it. Fuck it. Yeah. Really? Yeah. I've been running a couple of shows and doing some side hustles, running out paddle boards and shit. So it's like, yeah, Austin's an active place. You got to make the money where you can so you don't have to do a nine to five and do comedy. That's what we're shooting for.

And when do those fucking packages get here overnight? The managers are all fucked up. When it absolutely, positively has to be. Listen, someone got to get it there, all right? Gel Blasters don't deliver themselves, all right? All right. Wait, are we still sponsored? All right, are we still sponsored by Gel Blasters? Are we still sponsored by... Listen, this is our second date. Next time I get first base at least, right?

All right, Joe. My God. This is incredible. You are by far one of the scariest human beings that's ever been on this show. That's better than last time. What happened last time? You said I look like a caveman who does science and rapes people, so at least this time I'm just a rapist. We're eliminating some of their subtitles. It's all right.

D Madness, those are my captions on the bottom of the screen when we watch the video. - I'm glad I can't watch none of these. - Good God, Daniel. - Even he didn't see that punchline coming.

Joe, you are wild, dude. Are you on a little bit of Adderall perhaps right now? No, honestly, no. What are you on right now? I smoked a joint and I did two shots at poor choices. What were the shots? Tequila? Yeah, I could tell. That's an upper. And the weed was a sativa? Sixth Street. That's where you are. Yes.

Wow. I mean, just an inconceivable fucking situation where you are un-interviewable. That's better than some of the people I heard on here, so I'll take it. All right. I do some hobbies. I heard the last guy had hobbies. You know what I mean? I go fishing. I'm not just throwing people away. We don't want to know. Yeah.

She said, oh, hell nah. Okay. Joe, I'm just going to get you out of here. There goes Joe. You got a little joke book last time? I got a big joke book last time. You did? Yeah. Well, fill it up with jokes, Joe. Thank you, boss man. There he goes. Joe Feige, everybody. There you go, everybody. You can recognize him from future trials of some kind. You saw him here first.

We're gonna do something fun right now. This guy, not a regular, not a golden ticket winner. He's different. He's a special little fucking Austin freak. Ladies and gentlemen, the long-awaited return of Uncle Lazer. Statistically, we've all to some degree been sexually assaulted with a stranger during Netflix and chill. You're one of the few.

Yeah, I mean, sometimes the guy from Christian Mingle that you met ain't so chill, you know, and starts off as a butt massage and ends, you know, with the guy you swipe right on fucking cherry picking them little toilet balls out of the rim of your butthole. Oh, yeah, I had COVID. I lost my sense of taste and smell. You can still get strep throat, you fucking idiot. But I smoked crack with a woman the other day during Netflix and chill. I said...

Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think Netflix and chill is a crack activity, darling. I'm trying to watch the Houses of Dragons, not chase a fucking dragon. My name's Uncle Azar. You're having a great day. Okay.

House of Dragons is not on Netflix, but we'll accept it anyway. Welcome back, Uncle Loser. Wow, dude, that's where you're going to start off. Well, I mean... Wow, dude. I mean, I'm a fan of both Netflix and House of Dragons, so I just want to get that out there. Big fan of Netflix. I just love them. Statistically, we both are, you know? Right.

Why do you keep doing that licky thing with your face? You're extra lizard-y tonight. What's happening? Whoa. There's the sound of lasers. Not feeling well. What's going on with you? I got to apologize, man. Okay. It's a red band. Oh, shit. What happened? Oh. We went out to the Master Square Garden and...

I threw up everywhere in Red Ben's bathroom and I blamed it on some girl that was in the green room. And I'm going to be honest with you. They're like, I was like, if I tell them it was me, they're going to think I'm on drugs again. You know? And so. Which you are.

You have been the entire time. I've known this the entire time. No, but I went in there because I was actually poisoned by Aaron Rodgers. Because he was back there. And I saw them drinking that Bud Light. And I'm like, hey, y'all got to drink that gay beer because NFL watching y'all or you want to come back and go in Gen Pop and get tequila with me, you know? And I tried to be Billy Badass because he was dipping those little...

Lucy's. And they're 12 milligrams. Usually I dip Zen in only three milligrams. Well, I put three of them in the top of my lip. Right. Tried to hang out with Aaron Rodgers. I'm trying to be cool. They're telling war stories about, you know, fucking avoiding a sack from Miles Garrett. And I'm fucking women that look like defensive line men, you know what I'm saying? And, you know, I was trying to be one of the boys, you know, and...

I fucking had to vert off and threw up everywhere in his bathroom. And Red Band got off stage at that moment. And Tom started banging on the doors. I'm going to tell Tony you're back here. And I go, and I just took off running. So I'm sorry. It was me. And I got a gift for him. And I will tell you this. Let the record show that I never forget anything. And, oh, two packs of Parliaments. Amazing. You invested $12 into this segment of this show. Amazing.

But I will tell you this, that there was indeed a moment of the second night of Madison Square Garden. There we are. I mean, I am just in the zone going down the plans that I had, just executing moment after moment of what

many people that were there in attendance said the biggest two-night event in comedy they've ever seen before. And halfway through the second night, indeed, I look over at Red Band and he does this thing where he huffs and puffs a lot sometimes, just gah. And I go, what the fuck? I go off mic, but I'm going to do it with a mic this time, but I was like, so I go, what the fuck is wrong with you right now? And he literally goes, fucking Uncle Laser threw up all over my fucking bathroom.

And I'm like, Red Band, we are alive at Madison Square Garden right now. Let's fucking talk about it later. If you ever wonder what conversations we're having off mic, they're all retarded. 100%. It's never anything we're like, oh, thank you. I needed that information, Red Band. That helps the flow of the show. What's interesting is that he didn't just puke in the toilet like a 12-year-old. He puked

So I had to like piss like an arch just to go to pee. - I understand. I understand what happened there because Lazer thinks he's a man. So what happened was he's like, "I ain't gonna throw up. I just ain't feeling so good." Right? You're trying to lie to yourself. So you didn't puke in the toilet because you didn't think you were good. You were trying to fight the puke. Explain to us how you puke all over a bathroom as a grown man. Even the last rapist retard guy would make it in the toilet.

Deep Madness could totally get it all into the toilet. No, it's you fighting with your, I'm a man, I ain't gonna throw up. I can do what Aaron Rodgers does even though I'm the same height as Mitchell MacArthur. I swear to God, I'm 5'7 1⁄2 3⁄4". Get out the measuring tape, Tony. Measure it from the top of my mullet.

Like I said, I was poisoned. You were not poisoned. By Aaron Rodgers. You were not poisoned by Aaron Rodgers. I was poisoned by Aaron Rodgers. No, you wish. Can I just bring up one thing? Lazer said early in his set, he said the word statistically. And in all fairness to the black comics we've had on tonight, I would like to wager $5 that Lazer cannot spell statistically. Would you like us to use it in a sentence?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a very special segment we call White Trash Spelling Bee.

Unbelievable. It is indeed statistically. It is an adverb. According to or by means of statistics. All observation data were statistically analyzed. Ladies and gentlemen, from the Oxford Language Dictionary, this is Uncle Laser with the word statistically. Origin is Greek or Roman?

Hey, they're the same place. Don't worry about it, Tony. Listen, statistically. S-T-A-T-I-S-C-A-L-L. That is incorrect, ladies and gentlemen. That is white trash spelling bee. The two L's are silent. Fuck! No, it was a... Fuck! It was a very obvious T that you missed there. Was it a T? I don't dot them or cross them, you know. Statistically.

Yeah, you really miss a very, again, a very odd letter to miss. A lot of comedians are just dumb as shit, huh? It's just unbelievable. Top to bottom, left to right. There you go. You know your directions. Very good. Amazing stuff. Uncle Lazer, what else is going on in life? Yeah, you know.

trying not to die face down in a Motel 6 in Nebraska, you know, with Tom Bodette. You have been on the road a lot. You have been doing that. You lie continuously to me in order to get back on the show. Continuously. Continuously says, Tony, I haven't been doing any drugs or anything. No, I actually haven't been doing cocaine. The fentanyl shit's been scaring the fuck out of me. I haven't done cocaine in like six months. Deadass. Not kidding. What about ketamine? I never really... What? What?

I mean, no, like honestly, like ketamine's, you ever want to just be in Legoland? Take ketamine. I mean, it's stupid. It's fucking, the hay is for horses and so is ketamine. You know what I'm saying? So I never really got into it. How about any meth-like drugs? Define that. Like chicken speed? Anything at all. Adderall? No, Adderall, but they give that to kids. Yeah? How much do you take? The kids' dosage?

- You know, basketball team's words. Kids don't snort it. - Yeah. - No, well, there's no point. It just tastes like Skittle when you snort it. - You're teaching a lot of people different things right now that they don't know. This is still a part of white trash spelling bee. It's the part where we don't spell anything. It's the more white trash part of the bee. And what other drugs have you been doing, Uncle Lazer? Let's talk about it. - Stem cells. - Oh, wow.

You've heard, yeah. Amazing. How about anything else in life? What else is going on? Anything else? I'm trying to put my mom in retirement home. Okay, how's that going? Terrible. Yeah? Talk about it. Is she on Adderall too? Yeah, that's why I'm trying to put her in the home, dude. She keeps stealing all my fucking bill back. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, you know him. There he is, Uncle Laser. Thank you. He's on tour. He's on the road. Thank you.

Who did? Okay. Has a girl signed up inside? Did a girl sign up? You have a minute ready? All right, come on up here, lady. Get your ass up here. You guys having fun out there tonight, huh? I promise you there's a couple more fun segments left and then we'll get out of here, but... A little conundrum. Ladies and gentlemen, here she is, everybody.

From the inside. Hello. Start with your name. What was that question? It wasn't. Start with your name. I'm Alicia. Hello. Make some noise for Alicia, everybody. And the clock starts now. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Alicia. So, anyone been to an H-E-B recently? Can I get some hands? Anyone danced their way into a hate crime at an H-E-B? Oh, just me. Great. Awesome. That's fantastic. So...

This is a funny story and it's not super funny because I'm an awkward ass human being. So I'm at an H-E-B. They play bangers. Can I get a hello? They do. They play bangers when they play the music on top. So I'm in... So I'm in the street...

Playing, dancing, whatever. And I'm like, oh my God, there's an H-E-B person in front of me and we're playing and we're dancing and we're feeling the music. Except she wasn't dancing. They had palsy. And so I'm mimicking this person who has palsy in front of me and they see me and just, exactly, just...

Dead inside, except for I was like, oh, great, I get to leave now, and no one's going to know who I am except for I'm a basic white bitch, and I have my monogram. There you go. Very good. Alicia. Amazing. So what ended up happening? I had my name monogrammed across my shirt and a personalized license plate, and so everyone knew who I was as I left, and I could never...

Go back to that HEB and I... You were banned from an HEB? Yes, I was. Yes. Wow. And by the looks of things, you fucking love HEB. I do. Yes. Thank you. What do you do for work? I'm in sales. Did that affect your job at all? Did you go viral? No, because I sell across Canada and the world. So no one knew about my life except for my husband. You live in Canada. No, I live here. Except for the fact that my husband stayed married to me is...

- What? - Amazing. - Okay, here's a little joke book. Wow, there you go. You catch like a Canadian. Might not be one. - I wish I was Canadian so I could just leave here. - We wish you were Canadian too so that we would never see you again. There she goes, Alicia, everybody. And we're keeping it moving along. The bucket pool that I was waiting for is here. Put the mic back in the mic stand, Alicia. Nope, where you got it? There you go.

Good stuff. Yep. There she goes, Alicia. Isn't Heidi just extra hot after Alicia was just up here? It's like a... You're like, God, she's hotter than ever. It's amazing. Okay, your final bucket pool of the night, ladies and gentlemen. Angel Miguez, everybody. Angel Miguez. We finally got it. Angel Miguez. Here's Angel.

Hello, what's up, Boston? You guys have been amazing to me. I've been here a week and I've had a lot of time to look up a lot of conspiracy theories because I'm an open mic-er. I've been looking up at what happened to the weather in Texas. Why is it so hot, right? And it turns out that the Jews are owed some money.

I don't really understand why, but, or what it is that the debt is due, you know, but we need to make sure that we pay that and I got five dollars that I could contribute. But until then, you know, we gotta make some kind of list and see what we got going on, you know, because I like to skateboard. My wheels are melting. It feels like I'm riding a skateboard with flat tires.

But, yeah, I'm trying to make sure that we make some kind of list. We get the dude, we get some night temperatures for the day, right? Because I'm coming from California where it's 80 degrees in the day and over here it's 80 degrees at night. What the fuck is going on? But, all right, thank you guys. That's all I got. Yeah. Red Band's job is so easy.

Angel Miguez, amazing. Why do you look like you surfed across the border? Welcome, Angel. How long have you been doing stand-up? My first time was episode 255. I can't remember what year that is. Was it what? What?

My first time was on episode 255 with Duncan Trussell and David Arquette on this show. First time ever on stage. At the Comedy Store? At the Comedy Store, yes, sir. Wow, amazing. Was that in the belly room or the main room? The main room. Okay. For a hundred people, I choked. Yeah, you did? I never could have guessed that that would have happened four years ago. Yes, sir.

You obviously haven't grown much since then. No, sir. What do you do for work, Angel? I'm not working right now. I just got here a week ago. You just moved here. Yes, sir. What made you want to move here? You. Really? Yes, sir. Amazing. Unbelievable. I've been touched by an Angel Miguez. Yes, sir.

Angel, what do you plan on doing for work? What are your capabilities? - Working for you, man. - What can you possibly do for me? I already have a gardener. - I'm pretty sure you got cameraman all over the place. I have a drone, but I could get you coffee, whatever it takes. - It's funny you mention that. I actually do need a new person to get me coffee. - Where do we get it? - Nope, my team is saying no.

You've been turned down by Yoni and Christy's immediate rejection. Normally they have a very open mind. Double thumbs down from Yoni, one of the nicest people in showbiz. But according to you, he controls the weather. So, you know what I mean? You may have fucked up with your opening joke there, Angel. Might want to be a little bit nicer to the Jews if you want to work in showbiz. Oh, look who's back, everyone. Wow. Back in the...

The old wow, very agile for someone absolutely immobile. So Angel, you just moved here, you're here because of me, you want to work for me. Other than a drone, what else can you possibly do? Work a forklift. You can work a forklift? Wow. Or buy in Redband. Yeah, you can feed Redband, that's amazing. That's incredible.

There you go. Wow. The alarm. The backup alarm button for the forklift. Sam J., what do you think about this? I think it's fucked up that Red Band got to play his own bad sounds. That's crazy, brother. We got to get you free, man. I didn't like that. I didn't like that. That did not make me feel good. That's him. He's a little piggy. He plays along. He knows the way.

So Angel, how'd you get here? Did you drive here? I flew and then I bought a car like two days in and then I just been living there. I flew and then I bought a car.

Do you know how to play the horns, perhaps, Angel? I think you could fit in very well over there. But I signed a lease two days ago, so I'm here for a long time, I guess. Oh, my. How long is a lease? It's a year, but I mean, I'll see how long I last out here. You're here until Greg Abbott hears your accent, then you're going to be in Vermont. It is a thick accent. How many brothers and sisters do you have? Shit, from one side. Hey!

Oh, you got Michael Gonzalez excited. Just give us a ballpark here. And by ballpark, I mean where you guys picnic every weekend. Seven. No, like nine. Nine, nine, nine. Oh, my goodness. Absolutely unbelievable. Nine brothers and sisters in Los Angeles. Okay. Sorry. Absolutely, Angel. Well, amazing stuff. Thank you for having me, guys. You have any hobbies or special skills or talents that would surprise us?

No. Wow. Very fast answer there. Incredible. You have nothing at all. You do nothing. I like taking pictures of cars and I like driving them too. I probably drove around your house in Hollywood whenever you were living there. Super fast. Wow. Yo, this show got a real sub-Reddit energy. No, I like doing canyon runs. My bad. I like driving. I have a...

I fucking love you, Sam J. It is amazing. You are just a sweet fucking thing. God damn. Angel, you've never gotten a joke book before. I mean, you know what I'm going to do? Even though your set was just as fucking mediocre as it gets and your interview was just bland for a guy that's had years to prepare for this, I'm going to give you a slightly larger than tiny joke book.

Because you just moved here, and I think you could fill it up. And I think that you sign up again, and people are going to be even more interested in you now that we know your story. And you have no job. You're literally the only Mexican we've ever had here that doesn't have a job. It's incredible.

It's absolutely unbelievable. But we want to get an update. Let's see another minute and let's get an update soon. Ladies and gentlemen, Angel McGuess. All the way from episode 255. My goodness, how many years ago was that? That's five years, it's about six years ago by my math. Ladies and gentlemen, you guys want a fucking special treat? Ladies and gentlemen, here to join us,

I present to you a legend of the show. And without him, without his mother, the show does not exist. I present to you, Kill Tony icon, Oli Shore! Laser just killed himself in the back, so... So you guys will never have to see his fucking ass again. I'm just...

Sing and I've taken over for laser now. It's the wheeze fucking time bro. What the fuck do you think bro? Yes Thank you guys for coming to give it up for kill Tony and the fucking Shazam crew fucking shit So you ready for my fucking rim shots this time might wake the fuck up and stop texting when I'm on fucking stage you cocksucker I'm in front of 20,000 people kind of eating shit

At Madison Square Garden, I do a rim shot joke and he's fucking, I'm going like, I need help. And he fucking doesn't do shit. Anyways, I've been matching with a lot of black chicks on Bumble lately. If you guys know the dating app Bumble, it's where women choose you. And lately, a lot of black chicks, they've been fucking choosing me. I had no fucking idea. My whole life, I've been picking up on the wrong chick. My whole life, I've been picking...

My whole life I've been picking up on the crack ass crack ass hoes and I left these fine ass cheniquas on the motherfucking table. Ain't that a motherfucking bitch? I was dating a girl recently and she did break up with me for a black guy. I said, "Why'd you do that?" And she said to me, "I just like black dick." So what I did is I spray painted my dick back and we got, fuck, I fucked that up. Give me the fucking cat meow, bro. What the fuck?

- I already did, there's too many laughs. - Oh shit, sorry, all right, thank you, sorry. - You're doing good, Pauly, you're doing good. - All right, anyways. - Pauly Shorell, everybody. Pauly. - What's up, dudes? - So much fun, so wild, you did it again. Sam Jay, did you match with him on Bumble? - My name is Samaria. It's that damn Sadiqa. But no, of course, Pauly, you know I love you. - Can I take your hat off or no? - No, stop taking people's hats off, Pauly.

You want somebody to take off what you're wearing on your head, whatever the fuck that is? It's funny. Someone did ask me if I had a Bosley hair weave. Yeah. How fucked up is that? If I got a Bosley hair weave, I wouldn't fucking tell people I fucking got it. I'd fucking hide that shit in the woods and come back a week later and say, check it out, bro. The weasel's weasel. Weasel, bro. It's a weasel's weasel.

But black women do love Pauly Shore. What's that? Black women do love Pauly Shore. That is a true thing. What do you think it is about Pauly? We grew up with Pauly.

Rob Markman: We'd prop on him and Class Act, which is a very popular black movie, and he was in it. We were like, "We like that. We like that combo." Then you were kind of flavorful enough, but weird enough. I think we all went through a phase where we like dirty skater looking boys, and you were like a dirty skater looking boy, but it wasn't lame. It was like, "Yeah, that's a white dick I could see happening possibly." Respect.

Still trying to get Michael Gonzalez out of his funk. There you go, okay. Come on, baby, come on, this is Elvis motherfucking Presley, come on.

Dude, I'm so proud of this fucking team. Give it up for Tony and his fucking team, dude. For real, respect. Thank you, Paul. And Yoni, if there was no be killed Tony, there'd be no killed Tony if there's no fucking Yoni, bro. That's true. Yoni is the secret sauce. There's no doubt about it. Fought for a great many, many improvements and striving moments here.

Pauly, you did great at Madison Square Garden. How's everything else going? How's LA? What's going on? You want to meet my brother closer than ever now? Yeah. Yeah. Quiet silence. I like that. Yeah. They don't. I don't think everybody knows the whole story. You're supposed to do a documentary on it. Remember? Yeah. Six months ago. Yeah. Six months ago. I'm with Tony at the Mitzi's bar. My mom's name. Get up to my mom's Mitzi's bar downstairs. Yeah.

In honor of the queen. And then he says to me, we're going to do a documentary on Peter and Polly. Yeah. Right? And now he just said, fuck it, you just do a documentary on you. That's it. Well, no. No, that's cool, dude. You're famous, bro. No, I still want to do that documentary. I wasn't going to start that night.

I kind of have to do some stuff that I have planned, Pauly, and then I'm going to get around to that project, which I'm still very passionate about. For those of you that don't know, Pauly, of course, the son of Mitzi Shore, has a brother, Peter, the son of Mitzi Shore. And these two...

I mean, legends of the game. Peter runs the comedy store. Pauly is Pauly. Has a full fucking career. Both of them raised by the wildest comedians in the craziest situations you could have literally ever imagined. You can't even, no one would believe.

leave the childhoods that you guys had. And I still find there is no doubt. I mean, you want to talk about succession, succession, a show, HBO, not Netflix, that I love, that I loved. It's over now. But I mean, obviously it's kids trying to, you know, take over from what their parents built.

And there was a lot of controversy. Who's going to get the comedy store? How is it going to happen? What's this? What's that? Turn here, turn there. And all the comedians know about you and your brother's battle. But if other people ever found out the truth of everything, it would literally be the most unbelievable, unbelievable fucking show of all time. No one knows. Right.

But I think maybe one day they will because of me. Hopefully, yes. Maybe, yeah. You guys heard it right here, right? Yeah. Because the Comedy Store is... I just have to stop filling arenas first and then I'll get around to your story, Pauly. I just have to...

As long as you're going to commit to doing it at some point, then, you know, that's cool, right? Totally committed. I absolutely find it to be one of the most unbelievable fucking stories of all time. And then for me, I would really like to do the, and I'm going to do the Richard Simmons biopic. So that's happening. R.I.P. R.I.P. His family said no, and Richard said no. I said, well, who do you want to play you? He said fucking Tom Cruise, bro.

I swear with a straight face. I'm like dude. I'm fucking you like I look like you I don't have to fucking act motherfucker check this out come on ladies Let's go Yeah, look you and Michael are back connected fully right now. It's an unbelievable rocket man Two three four she packed my bags last night

Pre-flight. Yeah. Zero hours, 9 a.m. Mars ain't the kind of place. Okay. Okay, cut, cut, cut. Pauly, that was good. How about Pauly Shore, ladies and gentlemen? You don't know Rocketman? I'll tell you this, Sam Jay...

That somehow doesn't know Rocketman, but I must say, we were absolutely ridiculously jamming to some white people 90s music last night on the boat. I love 90s alternative. You know some crazy white people music. You actually taught me a couple. I'm like, wait, what? I'm into 90s alternative. I'm big into 90s alternative, but I don't know that one. What's your favorite 90s white people music? Hmm.

- Like Foo Fighters maybe? - You guys know any Foo Fighters? We're gonna have to just dim it for the YouTube or something or cut it or something. - Oh, that's my favorite one. - Make some noise for the Kill Tony band, Sam Jay and Pauly Shore, ladies and gentlemen. You guys want one last special treat?

As I mentioned earlier, the great William Montgomery couldn't make it, but I have a little something that I think you guys are going to love. Here to bring it home with the final minute of stand-up comedy tonight, I present to you one of the all-time, very fast-kill Tony legends,

growing and excelling in front of our very fucking eyes. Two nights at MSG. He is without a doubt on his way to American citizenship. I present to you the Estonian assassin Ari Mati. Yo, yo.

No bigger culture shock for me than the fucking American homeless. Because you have these erratic fucking hard to read motherfuckers out there. There's a guy outside of my apartment. I see him every couple of days, always shirtless, holding a pipe. Just going off. Just like.

And what annoys me is how nonchalantly everyone else around me act. Like all my neighbors are like, "That's Mike." And I'm the only one who's like, "Shut Mike." For what? Shut! But his name is literally Mike. Like my neighbors know the guy. And that's what you have here. You know you're homeless. You like grow up with them.

Because Estonia, where I'm from, we also have homeless people. But what we also have is a rough winter. So it's not the same guy. Every year we get a new batch, like butterflies. But here you just see Mike every year getting stronger.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Two minutes of thunder and lightning from the freak of Estonia, Ari Matti. My goodness, what a way to put a fucking ribbon on it. You are fantastic. Thank you. Unbelievable delivery, execution, fucking everything. The writing, you know, a lot of people that are as funny with delivery and music

moving as you don't. They automatically settle for the writing of...

That they can get away with yeah They get their laughs from their voice from their delivery from all the things other things that you also have going your writing is Fucking incredible your perspective making it about Estonia the rough winter Un-fucking-believable you work very hard at this and it shows you're a natural absolute freak where we out with your citizenship Thank you so much

I mean, it's going as well as you can, you know? I mean, I've been on Joe Rogan, I'm on here, so I guess I need to be president to get this fucking paper, huh? Well... Me running. It's almost a win-win for you at this point, no matter who ends up being president, because one of them lets everybody become a citizen, and the other one...

It appears as though I'm short-circuited, but I guess you guys are going to find out more soon about the other one. Fantastic stuff. Well, thanks, Tony. Everybody, all the Kill Tony fans, super nice. I walk around, everybody else is funny. Let's check in with the great Greg Fitzsimmons. This is your first time seeing Ari Matty, right? Oh, I've seen him online, and I've always been very impressed. Oh, thanks, Greg. Really, really strong. And although, out of fairness...

To the black comics and the redneck comics, you used the word nonchalantly about halfway through your set. And I would like to challenge you on the... Ladies and gentlemen. Nations fallen from the Soviet bloc in the 1980s category.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first time that I actually think that the speller might get this right. Nonchalantly, this is the first ever and perhaps the last ever Estonian spelling bee, ladies and gentlemen. Nonchalantly is an adverb. In a casually calm and relaxed manner, she nonchalantly walked out of the police station.

Nonchalantly. N-O-N. Then the minus mark. That is... C-H-L. Yes, you are correct. I should have your fucking passport. Retard. Back to L. Yep. A-T-L-Y. You got it! Ari Matty!

USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! And we did it again. Jay's in Sacramento, New York City at the Grand Mercy Theater. SamJayComedy.com. BitsDog.com. He's going to Tulsa. His new special, You Know Me, is a great Fitzsimmons comedy on YouTube. Those tickets are at BitsDog.com.

Thank you to Simply Safe Talk Space and ExpressVPN. One more time for our guest tonight, Sam Jay. Greg Fitzsimmons, the drawing. Brian J. Ebelt, who draws every episode of Greg and Sam. One more time for the best damn band in the land. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew up tonight in the corner there. Fuck yeah!

It's Ari Maddy and Hans Kim's baby, everybody. I don't know what the fuck that is. What the fuck is that supposed to be? Is that Ari? Check out the SunsetStripATX.com secret show every Thursday. Chris Rogers art on Instagram. Chris, I love it. I love it. Did you guys have a great night tonight?

We love you. Thank you. God bless America and God bless Texas. Good night, everybody. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

When you sign up at WorkMoney, you could win $50,000. With the average renter paying around $2,100 per month, that means you can have rent covered for a whole year and more. So you can be more. And when you're more, that means you get more. And more. Ooh, but not so much of that. Sign up at WorkMoney. Get money-saving tips. Skip the rent. Get more rich. Sign up at WorkMoney.org slash MoreRichContest for your chance to win $50,000.