Armchair Anonymous: Embarrassing Sex 56:05

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at drinkag1.com slash dax. That's drinkag1.com slash dax. Check it out. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard. I'm joined by Lily Padman. Hi there. Hi, Padman. You wanted to try that out because my teacher. Your teacher, you liked it. Let me see if I can't dust it off and give that same sparkle.

What a topic today. Yeah, this is a good one. It combines two of my very favorite topics. Embarrassment and sex. A lot goes down in today's episode. Yeah. We really shit the bed on father's stories. We didn't warn anyone. About what? Well, there was a lot. I saw in the comments and they were right. There was the, I'm drinking the glass of. I said that. You did? I said there's blood. Oh, okay. Okay.

Well, let's see. So I just want to think this one over. Just try to really go through it. I mean, there's fire if you know someone. If you're afraid of fire. Yeah, if you're afraid of fire. Isn't everyone afraid of fire? Yeah, so no one can listen, I guess. If you're a hypochondriac? Yeah, if you have hypochondria about bodily stuff. Mm-hmm.

This might not be for you. I think just skip this one. No, just listen. All right, please enjoy embarrassing sex. Ugh, 205, Arrival. What the fuck? I can pop down and get it. 205? That's too long. That's arrogant. It is.

You ready for Sarah? Yes. Hi!

Cool closet. Sarah. Is this Sarah? Yes, it is Sarah. Hi. I love your earrings. Oh, thank you. They're from Mexico. Okay. It's very Fleetwood Mac. Stevie Nicks. Oh, thank you. I do want to be as much like her as possible. I think we all do. Wherever you're at, it's my dream because you have so many extras of so many products. Yeah, I work for a sunscreen company, which I feel like I missed an episode where you're talking about maybe you don't like sunscreen or something. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You did or didn't hear that. It was very polarizing. I didn't hear that.

Sometimes I listen to you guys when I'm falling asleep and it must have happened like when I was falling asleep. Sure. But you know what? You guys reached out to me for Reefer Madness and I stocked all the VIP bags for it. Oh, no shit. You must like sunscreen a little bit. Well, yeah, my wife loves it. Wait, the vacation sunscreen? Yeah, the like whipped cream one. That's a huge brand. You're a huge star. You're a huge brand with huge earrings. Wow.

Wow. Huge everything. So are you in L.A.? Well, I was like, this is crazy that this is kind of how I'm meeting you guys because everything you talk about, I was like in your neighborhood, I think. I was down from Immaculate Heart. Oh. I was always working from Cara. I hiked Griffith Park twice a week. I would see David sometimes. I didn't see you guys. But now I actually just moved to Nashville. So there's an opportunity there, too. Exactly. Well, you know, we, too, are putting stakes in Nashville. That's why she said there's an opportunity. Oh, wow.

I gotta figure out where we hike in Nashville, I guess. That's the thing I miss the most, I'm not gonna lie, because there's no door-to-door hiking. You have to drive somewhere. But otherwise, the summer is pretty kind of magical if you remove politics from it. When it rains, it's warm and you can like dance it and there's fireflies and cicadas are gone. It'll be fun. Yes, I can't wait.

Okay, you have an embarrassing sex story, and I think the level of bravery involved with an embarrassing sex story is very peak. There's wine in this. I'm like so nervous. Oh, good job. Perfect. I'm jealous. Maybe a new embarrassing sex story will happen real time if you get drunk enough. Oh, and Monica, guess what? I'm from Georgia. I went to UGA, and I think we graduated at the same time. What? Our lives have been running parallel. That's crazy.

Crazy. So part of being from Georgia is sometimes people grow up in like super duper ultra conservative. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Religious, the Bible bells. Yeah. So this is kind of a little preface to my sex story, which is a tender little losing of the virginity story. But I started at high school at this kind of cult like Christian school. And our sex ed was very particular. Separated the boys and the girls. The headmistress sat all the girls kind of lined up in a row in the chairs. She got out a Butterfinger. Oh, my God.

Hands it to the girl in the first seat. Says, open that butterfinger for me. Pass it behind you. Second girl. All right, rip it open a bit further. Pass it. All right, you bite it. Pass it. All right, you lick it. Pass it. So on and so forth. So there's like 12 or 13 of us. Ew. I've never been more perplexed about how something would tie into something. This is great. I think it's about STDs. Okay. So he gets to the end and this girl's got like a half-eaten, chewed up, spit on...

Butterfinger, and then the teacher pulls out a new Butterfinger. And she said, would you like a new one or do you want to keep the one you have? Oh my God, this is an abstinence thing? Yes, yes, this is an analogy of being all used up. Oh my God. And so if you were a man, would you want your wife to be the used Butterfinger or...

or the new Butterfinger? And I was like, oh my God, I'm a Butterfinger. I am so scared of sex. Also, it's so annoying that it's the woman, that it's not the dick. I thought the Butterfinger was the dick. The dick's more likely to be all used up and slobbered on. Yeah, yeah. We as women are Butterfingers that we need to keep the wrappers on tight. Ew. Yeah, boy.

I'm sure she was well-intentioned, but that's just terrible. I was not going to meet anybody in school, like, to bone, obviously. It was so small. My graduating class had 12 people in it. When I applied to Georgia, I was like, I'm third in my class. And I didn't say, like, out of how many. Out of three. Yeah.

Oh, that's great. I started working at a coffee shop and met this guy that was 20 years old. I was 17. I was obsessed with him. I've never fallen in love with somebody that quickly. Still, I'm 39. I'm single. I've never like felt love like that. Wow.

You know, it's like the first time and all this first love movie montage stuff where he lived on a farm. We chased cows and chickens and rode four wheelers, played in the lake. Oh my. You play guitar? Yeah. He played his guitar at you? Exactly. Yeah, he did. Taught me all about Bob Dylan. In The Godfather. I was obsessed with him. But I was 17. I was still in school. I was like,

I'm not touching this Butterfinger wrapper. This Butterfinger wrapper is like intact. And so he was waiting a long time till finally I graduated. I was like, all right, this teacher, at least I'm not going to have to look her in the eye and she's not going to know that my Butterfinger got nibbled on. I graduated. I was 18. I was like, we're going to plan this right. He wasn't a virgin. I was. His sister was going to be out of town one weekend. So we planned it. He's like, let's watch a movie. We'll lay a

pallet down, which I call it a pallet. No, I know exactly. I don't. A futon? No, it's like you put a bunch of blankets down. It's like a makeshift sleeping area. Is a real pallet involved? Do you put it on a pallet? No. Okay, thank God. It's just blankets stacked up.

I don't want the Butterfingers scraping against raw lumber. So he made like a palette. He was like, I want to watch my favorite movie. It was the wedding singer. He thought I looked like Drew Barrymore at the time. Sure. I see it. This is 2003, I think. So I'm like making burnt CDs. So I made a whole soundtrack. So it was like all the songs he taught me while he was like singing guitar. It was like Wonderful Tonight with Eric Clapton. It was like Beast of Burden.

It was Lay Lady Lay. Good musical days. Lay across my big brass palette. It was going to end with I Want to Grow Old With You because I knew we were going to watch that movie. And that's the song that Adam Sandler sings to Drew Barrymore. Wow.

At the end of the movie. This is orchestrated. There was a lot of pressure riding on me or him or all of us, all two of us, to make it like a beautiful night. It's starting to happen. I'm like, oh my God, it's happening. It's happening. And holy shit, it's happening. It hurts so fucking bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This guy, thankfully, because he had been waiting for me, he put on a condom and I was like...

Thank God, because I was taught all sex ends up with STDs, AIDS, and a pregnancy. You're just guaranteed like the trifecta. So he had a condom on and he's trying just like so hard to gently put it in. Sure. And I'm just like gripping the sides of the pallet. I'm like, oh! Of the pallet? His chest.

He's trying so hard to be like romantic and gentle and sweet. And it is taking forever. My songs are nearing towards the grand finale. And I'm like, I can't just do this in pain and silence. I have to still have a beautiful soundtrack moment. Somebody's got to like finish here. Meanwhile, he's like trying to move an oversized couch through a doorway. Oh, God. Exactly. Yes. That's what it was. And this guy had like a porn star wiener. Wow. Good for him. Wow.

Congrats. And was there no lube? Well... Not enough. Not enough. And after the time, it was just like, eh. My soundtrack's ending. I got to get through this. I'm going to make you finish. You're going to have a great night. So I like rip the condom off like really quick and start like going down. And I'm like, I'm going to give you head. It's going to be great. It's going to be great. And I'm like so...

intense on trying to like finish before the CD finishes. Okay, you're like under a time clock. Yeah. Okay. I don't even realize that it tastes weird and like I'm doing all the stuff that I learned from Cosmo. I was like really preparing for this night.

- I had gone down in before and it had been okay. And then I'm like drooling. - Oh God. - My mouth feels kind of like dentist-y. It feels tingly. It feels gross. I'm just spitting everywhere. I'm just drooling, spitting, gagging. I'm like, what's happening? What's happening? I'm like, the devil has cursed me. - Oh.

He went there. We've technically had sex. Now even blowjobs are going to be tasting bad and terrible. No one will ever get pleasure again because I've sinned against the Lord and I am a disgusting Butterfinger. Meanwhile, he's like, I'm so sorry. They're extended pleasure condoms, which apparently extended pleasure means it puts numbing

stuff on your dick. It's like a lidocaine, maybe. Oh, so that you aren't feeling it as much? Well, so the boy doesn't. I think it's on the inside of the condom, 'cause again, all of us young guys were just trying our hardest not to blast right away. But she wanted him to blast. Each person's living up to what they think the other person wants, of course. Oh, God.

Okay, so you're numbed up. You got so much lidocaine in your mouth. Ew! I've got so much lidocaine. I'm spitting. I'm thinking that Jesus is mad at me. God is mad at me. And he just starts laughing at me. And he was just like, oh my God, it's a numbing condom. We're totally fine. Forget about it. I don't have to come tonight. It's great. Thanks for trying. Oh, okay. So he's nice. Okay.

Big old baseball bat dick and he's nice. He used to hang a towel off his dick like when he got off the shower. Oh, sure. Wow. That's a fun trick when you're young. This guy. Where's he at? I think he's like a bartender in Chattanooga, honestly. Oh.

Oh. Okay, I'll pass. We finally got the hang of sex eventually. Like, we dated for three years after the fact. Eventually broke up. I viewed that relationship through rose-colored glasses, but it was probably super toxic looking back at it. But he was a really great person to lose my virginity to. He thought it was like a two sides of the track kind of thing. He was like a country boy, and then I was private school Christian girl. Oh, sure. Yeah.

Bad guy, good girl kind of thing. And he just really held my hand and walked me through all that kind of stuff. That is nice. It was sweet. He's with the girl he started dating right after me. That was like 20 years ago. Wow. Yeah, good for him. Wow.

- Wow. - Okay, that is upsetting, imagining your mouth just filling. - Fully numb. - Yeah. - And this weird, sharp chemical. - Ugh. - It is a nice moment to take pause and say how sad it is for everyone, everyone involved. Think of what you're doing as a boy. You're like, "Better to have a completely numb penis, "not feel it at all, "so that I don't disappoint this girl."

And the girl's going like, God, I hope I do this right. I got to read Cosmo to make. It's a nightmare. It's so sweet. Both people are trying so hard to be perfect for each other. And this is before porn was so intense. So now I can't even imagine these young people, the pressure. I don't even watch porn. I don't know. I'm just like, hey guys, I have big boobs. Play with them. Like, it's fine.

entertain yourself. It's kind of a shortcut. It's a cheat, you guys. It's a total cheat. Oh, wow. Well, that is a disaster. That's much better than I was fearing. Oh, tell me what you were fearing. Well, look, because we've had this situation, which is a woman told us a story about the first time using her tampon and she had wrongly put it in her butt and didn't know. She's like, why is it so difficult? This was on armchair. I know. But you thought part of me was like, OK, so the reason you couldn't get it in is he was going in the wrong hole. Oh,

And now you go to blow them and you're like, this is weird. This smells like poop. Yeah. That was conceivable. My God.

Think about the clues we had. Couldn't get it in. You're right. But wow. I think people know when it's their butt. Well, the person putting the tampon in didn't. Okay. But she was a little child. So she didn't know as much. Yeah. Sarah's like four years older. Her full sex ed was a candy bar. So anything was possible. You're right. We and we got the hang of sex one time though. I was like on top and he was like holding my hips and put my butt down on it. It went straight in. Yeah.

No lube, no crevice. I bled for days. Oh, yeah. It felt like I got shot in the ass, honestly. Yeah.

That's so similar to my story when my penis got broken in half. Same thing. On top, go down fast, snap the penis, scream. I've had so many weird sex stories. Oh, man. Well, Sarah, thanks for that story. That was great. Yeah, thanks for sharing. Yeah, thank you for being so easy to talk to. I was really nervous about this, obviously with my wine. Just want to say my dad passed last year and he had given me this book. And every time when he was still alive, he like, have you read that book? Have you read that book?

And I'm just like, no, I'll fucking read it. During a fact check Dax had brought up, I've just randomly been reading this Mike Nichols book. And this whole time, my dad has been like, have you read this? How do you not know who Mike Nichols is? Oh, that was the book? Yeah. Wow, how crazy. It was like a week or two after he passed that you started bringing it up on the fact check. Oh my God, that's sim. It was super sim. And then I was just like, oh my God, I have to get it. He had sent it to me. I left it at the house and I was like, I gotta go get it.

I got to read it. And for a few weeks, you kept talking about it. And I was like, all right, I got to find that in the book and read it. So it was just really nice connection. Oh, did you love the book as I did? And your dad did? I still haven't read it yet. Oh, there's literally nothing. Probably it'll get you to read that book. Except now I will have to read it. Don't do it. I think at this point, it's maybe cooler. Yeah, double down. You resist all. All right. Well, beautiful meeting you. I hope we run across each other in real life. Yeah, absolutely. Would love it. All right. Take care.

Oh, Sarah was fun. It's ready. Your food's here? It's outside the gate. I'll get it after I relet this gallon. Haley. Straight up Haley. Haley Jo Osment. No tricks. I wish it was Haley Jo Osment. Haley Joel. Sorry to disappoint. Oh, you could hear that? We didn't see you. I didn't know you could hear yet. Yeah. I'm happy.

I'm happy to have you. I don't need Haley Joel. Haley Joel Osment cannot tell this type of story. Well, I guess, listen, under normal circumstances, I'm not like rooting for Haley Joel Osment to be one of the guests. But in this case, because it would be a sex story. Oh, you wanted it. Well, just a little risque for a public person other than myself to talk about sex stories. Or a child actor. Oh, right. It's even compounded. I love your little tent you've made. Swiffer to my left.

Just for the listener, there's two chairs holding up the sides of the tent, and then we have a swifter holding up the center of the tent. I was really nervous to do it from in here because I was like, this is going to collapse on my head for sure. Maybe it'll happen, and that could be added to the list of embarrassing stories that I have to tell. What city is your tent in? I'm currently in Astoria, New York. Oh, where's that? It's in Queens. It's kind of the first town neighborhood of Queens when you leave Manhattan. Nice.

Now I'm remembering I see it on the subway. It often will list Astoria, won't it, as a direction. It's the last stop on the N train. It's kind of known for Greek food. It's like a high immigrant population. Lots of languages, lots of diversity. Nice. Oh. We love it.

How long you been there? I'm originally from Long Island, so I've kind of been in New York most of my life. But I just moved to this apartment last August, and the story does not take place here. Okay. Where does the story take place? It takes place in New Orleans. Oh. Prime. It's asking for a sex story. Purtle. I mean, come on. Yeah.

Just the center of pure debauchery. Y'all have been there, I assume. My favorite shirt I got from there, the shirt says, I got bourbon faced on shit street. Yeah, that's great. And that really sums up the whole experience. Fair enough. I went to Tulane there. Oh, nice. The story takes place my sophomore year of college, 2019. Oh.

Oh, recent. Oh, 2015. I was 19. There we go. So it's kind of weird. It's been nine years at this point, but I am convinced that this happened to me so I could be here today to tell the story to you guys. When I saw that prompt, I was like, this is my destiny. The prophecy has been fulfilled. Yes. Wonderful. So winter of 2015, Tulane University, center of New Orleans. At the time, it was my finals week.

really stressful. I was staying up late every night, drinking shit tons of coffee, just really on the verge of a mental breakdown. When finals week was over, I just lost it. Partying so hard. Sure, sure, sure. Again, it's New Orleans, so drinking is a main cultural staple. And is it even hard at 19 there or is it super easy? In terms of being underage? Oh, no. No.

Okay, that was my hunch. It's so easy. I mean, at Tulane, we actually have like a bar on campus. Oh, God bless. I mean, it's not technically on campus, but it's like next to the dorm. It's really easy to get shit-faced there as a 19-year-old. Okay, great. So we go to a party. I'm absolutely wasted. And I actually go to try Coke in the bathroom for the first time.

Wonderful. Great, great. You are letting off some steam. Yeah, you are. These finals will kill people. Seriously. Coke in the bathroom, wasted on alcohol. I come out and they kind of have like a buffet of those classic aluminum trays of fried food.

This is a nice party, though. This is a college party that actually put out food. I wouldn't call the food nice. It's like chicken fingers and french fries. Right, right. It's just pure hedonism. I'm like stuffing my face. I'm getting wasted. I kind of turn around and I lock eyes with someone from my Spanish class. We had just taken the final together and it's on. We're going to make out. We both know it.

Wonderful. We hit it off. We go back to his room. We do hook up, but the sex is like the least memorable part of the story. It's drunk. It's sloppy. I'm pretty sure he couldn't get it up. Sure, sure, sure. Well, especially if he was hitting that nose candy. That makes it even. Oh, it doesn't? Oh, yeah. He's having trouble. Okay. He's struggling. So we both kind of turn over, go to sleep.

No one had an orgasm. About 4.30 in the morning, my stomach really starts to hurt. Oh boy. At first, I think it's maybe my period cramps. I'm like, let's not freak out.

Wait it out for a little. You know, I kind of take a few deep breaths. A few minutes later, nothing's getting better. In fact, it's actually progressively getting worse. Beads of sweat on the forehead at any point? It's not that type of pain. Okay, okay, great. I don't have to go to the bathroom. It's just like purely in my stomach. Oh my God. Okay. Okay, I have a guess, but I'm not going to say it. Okay. It's like 10 out of 10. I've never felt it before. I'm starting to realize something is seriously wrong with me. What does a 19-year-old do when they're freaking out like that? I call my mom. Right.

Right. 4.30 in the morning. Do you wake this guy up? Not yet. Okay. I'm really nervous about how he's going to react. So I call my mom first. I'm quiet on the phone. And you're not probably telling her, hey, I'm at a boy's house. You're just acting like you're at home at first. I did coke and I drank a lot. Mom, I just ripped some lines and ate a buffet and fucked a stranger. Don't worry. Don't worry. No one came.

Still a virgin. Don't worry, he didn't get it up. That would be the thing she was worried about. I explain the situation and she does ask, where are you? And I kind of sheepishly say like, oh, I'm having a sleepover. Okay. And she's like, with who? I don't know.

And you guys kind of guessed it. Like, I didn't want to say that I was with a boy, but I do because I'm nervous. I'm like kind of panicking. You're scared enough that you're going to tell the truth. I didn't want to lie. So I say with a boy, you can kind of hear the realization in the background. Pure silence. It's settling in. I'm nervous. I'm like, am I going to get in trouble? What's the reaction going to be? And she says, well, Haley, do you think the sex was maybe too rough for you?

Oh, boy. I mean, that's a fair question, though, because what if he stabbed something in her insides? Okay. To this day, I've never had a more embarrassing moment than when my mom asked me if I had had such nightmares.

Nasty sex. Raunchy, rough sex. Yeah. Just gross sex that the dick penetrated through my vagina. Or your uterus. Into the stomach. Yeah. Did she think his dick was sharp? I still wonder to this day. Didn't he puncture you and blast it in your stomach? Well, didn't your mom say once that... My dad did poke a hole in my mom.

That's what she says. The punchline of that story is that she said, and your father was proud as a peacock. Right. But I mean, I don't think that's the punchline. I think the punchline is that he punctured her. My dad had a humongous dick in his defense. But how would it have punctured a stomach? It punctured her uterus. This feels impossible. Or ruptured. I don't know if punctured is the right word. Maybe ruptured is the right word. We'll have to get my mom on the phone at some point. Okay, great. Anywho. So sorry, that's not her story.

His dick was big, though, not sharp, right? Right. It was big and sharp. It didn't have scissors on the end of it. I do tell her, I'm kind of like, he was a very gentle lover. Oh, you did? You said that? Well, you know, he couldn't get hard, so I knew it wasn't...

about that. That wasn't the issue. So I kind of am like, that's not the problem. Get your mind out of the gutter. Mom, come on. She's like, give me the deets. Oh my God. So eventually I kind of escalate the issue that she's like, you need to go to a hospital. You might have appendicitis. That was my guess. Who knows what's happening. So...

I didn't know at the time that you can just drive to a hospital. Oh, no. I thought you had to, like, call an ambulance. I had never been to a hospital. I thought that an ambulance had to take you there. Yeah. You forget how little 19-year-olds know. I mean, to be fair, I kind of just learned this. Oh.

Like a little bit. Or I just think if you go to the hospital, it's because you are in that situation. And in y'all's defense, if you weren't a skateboarder or something like I was where my mom drove me to the hospital a bunch. Yeah. If you weren't an emergency prone kid, I guess you wouldn't have ever been driven to the emergency room. The only time I've gone to the hospital is in an ambulance. At 30. Yeah. Exactly that. Like I had never been to the hospital before. I didn't know the protocol at

At the time, the Tulane campus had a local EMT service. You could call an ambulance and it would be free. Oh, nice. But the student EMTs were on strike, so they canceled the service. Oh, my God. So the bill, which is jumping ahead a little, but the bill was insane. Oh, yeah. It's a couple grand to ride there in an ambulance, right? Or $1,500. I forgot how much, but like an exorbitant amount. My mom ended up arguing with the hospital and getting it for free.

Oh, nice. She's a lawyer. So anyway, I do call an ambulance. He's kind of starting to stir. Are you thirsty? No, no, I'm going to go in an ambulance. So you'd call 911? He actually stirred before that. I kind of delivered the news to him. He called 911 for me, which is very, very gentle.

Very gentlemanly. That is. The bar is low. I mean, before that, he was like, you're fine. Take an Advil. Yeah. And he gave me two Advil to take. Advil is specifically not good for your stomach. Yep. So after a while, he can see how much pain I'm in. He calls 911. The ambulance comes and I'm in such bad pain, I can't move.

So they have to lift me up onto a gurney in his room. I'm wearing like a little slutty black dress from the night before. No bra, no underwear, no socks, no shoes. His sweatpants. Oh, wow. This is my hospital outfit. They lift me up. They put me on a gurney. As they're wheeling me out, I kind of turn behind me and I'm like, me, me.

I'm so uncomfortable. Anything to make the situation like a little more normal. Leaving on a gurney from a one night stand is a rough look. It's hard to pull that off. It's tough. It's an insane exit. So they bring me to the elevator. I can see the EMT kind of like eyeing me up and down this like sly little smile on her face. She's like, you had quite the night. Oh my. I'm like, Kathy, I had a bad night. This was not a cute night. Don't give me that.

So I get into the ambulance. I immediately throw up. I'm very sick. They take me to the hospital. The nurse says we have to run a pregnancy test. And I literally say, I didn't think it could happen that quickly. Right. I'm not pregnant in the end. That's not the issue. They run a few tests. They give me fluids.

So it turns out I don't have appendicitis. I have something called gastritis. I don't know if you've heard of it. It's got a sexy title. It's the inflammation of your stomach lining. It's kind of like a classic symptom of IBS or like Crohn's disease. Right. Autoimmunity. I don't have that issue. This is the first time this has ever happened to me. I don't have any autoimmune disorders. So it's first and last. I have.

I have had it again one time. I did have to go to the hospital again, but it's a really freak thing. It's really painful. Your stomach lining is red and the acid is kind of like interacting with it. It's like your whole stomach turns into an ulcer. That's like the pain level it feels like. Oh my. Now you're on a speedball. You got the coke from earlier. Now you're on some opiates. You should come back to his house.

Yeah, they mostly give me fluids and I'm discharged within a few hours and I leave the hospital. I don't have shoes or socks. My friend comes to pick me up and eventually I do have to reach out to the guy again because I've left like the majority of my stuff at his place.

So I kind of hatched this plan to seduce him. Oh. Because I'm like, if I can get this guy to sleep with me after making an exit on a gurney, I am like the baddest bitch alive. Yeah, sure. I get it. You want a do-over. It's a challenge. It's a chance for redemption. Yeah. Stakes are high. I kind of go in with the plan. I doll up. I make sure that I'm not wearing the same outfit from the hospital night. I'm flirting. I'm like, how was your weekend?

Mine was a little crazy. He's like, yeah, here's your stuff. He hands it to me in a Domino's pizza bag. He's like, listen, I got to get out of here. I have to go study for a geology final. I'm going to leave with you. Just ego on

on the floor. He goes off to the library to go study for his geology exam. I remember that a friend of mine had taken that exam already. So I 100% know that he has lied about going to take this exam. Okay. All right. Ouch. He was committed to the bit. He went to the library. I saw him go there. Yeah. I don't think it's any comment on your appeal, but he rightly was like, look, last time we hooked up, you left in a gurney. Yeah.

I don't want to roll those dice again. Yeah, I can't do it. I think that's fair-ish. He's over it. I would not want to sleep with me either. I'd be completely over me. Well, you might think, like, well, fucking next time I might kill her if I actually get it in. She might be dead next time. A very delicate woman. Yeah, so fragile. So my friends lovingly refer to this story as the time I ate so many chicken fingers and did so much coke I ended up in the hospital. Yeah.

That's funny. That's good. College. Yeah, it makes me want to go back to college. God, it's fun. Does it? It does make me want to. Things are messy. Yeah, it's a fucking wreck. You got shit to talk about nonstop with your friends because stuff's going sideways for everybody. I feel like I learned a lot and I look back at that time. I realized how naive and innocent and sweet I was. You didn't even know you could drive to the hospital. Yeah.

I thought you could get pregnant within four minutes. The second time I had to go to the hospital for gastritis, I took an Uber. There we go. You learned your lesson. See, it was $12 instead of $1,000. That's growth, baby. Yeah, girl. Well, Haley, lovely meeting you. Great story. So sorry. Thank you for sharing it. I wanted to give a quick shout out to my friend, Rachel. This is the cornerstone of our friendship. Every week we catch up about what's happened on Armchair Act.

Oh, I love that. That's sweet. She was very insistent that I give her a shout out and I wanted to. Well, Rachel, thanks for listening. Thanks for being in a book club of sorts with Haley. Thank you. Bye. Bye. I didn't wave on purpose, but I should have. You don't remember how. I go like this. Look how small my hand looks. This is a terrible wave. Look. Bye. Because you're going. Yeah, that looks like a shoe. Shoe. Yeah.

Bye. And he does that. He does like one finger. Oh, he does. Well, he's a baby, so he does get away with it. You should try it. You should try it, though. It works for him. Okay, I'll do it. Bye. Bye.

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This episode is brought to you by PayPal. Say yes to summer because now you can get cash back on many of your favorite brands with PayPal. I mean, look, I am even using it to take the kids to the zoo. That's how useful PayPal is. It's ubiquitous, which is really nice. Yes. And you get cash back. I also like it because you can send money with PayPal to friends. Oh, yeah. Which means going halfsies when your BFF visits this summer or

Callie and I live in the same city, so she's not visiting, but we are going on a trip. And so we're going to have to do a lot of splitsies. And fire money back and forth to each other. That's right. With even more cash back in your pocket when you pay with PayPal, saying yes to summertime fun just got a whole lot easier. Make sure to download the PayPal app. An account with PayPal is required to send and receive money, redeem points for cash and other options. Terms apply. Here's Garrett. Hello, I'm here. Here I come. Oh.

Here I come. There you are. Hi, Garrett. I can't believe I'm in the attic with you guys. Look at that. Look at us. And we're in your closet, presumably. Wife's closet. It's the bigger closet.

Yeah, as it should be. Roomie. I see some pumps hanging out of the corner frame. Bags. Some bags. Not as exciting of a background as you guys. Where are you at, Garrett? I am in Los Angeles. Oh, no kidding. Yeah, right around the corner from you guys. I'm up in Reseda. Oh, wonderful. And where are you from originally? Missouri. Do you hate when people say Missouri? No, I make fun of it all the time. I say I'm a Missouri boy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's funny, Missouri is north and south in a way. Kind of, yeah. It kind of touches everything a little bit. How long ago did you move out here? 10 years. That's kind of where the story begins. Oh, wonderful. A ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding. Yeah, 10-year anniversary for the story. Actually, at the beginning of the summer in 2014, I proposed to my now wife. She said yes. Up until that point, we had probably spent like 50% of our relationship, which had been seven years long distance. And then in similar fashion, right after I proposed to her...

I had plans to go teach English in another country for three months. So I left and we talked all summer. We were making plans to move out to LA. We decided that she would move out first, find an apartment, get a job first, start setting things up. And after I got back from a long summer away, I would spend some time with family and friends and you know, all the things you got to do before you move across the country. When I finally got out to LA, it was about six weeks later, I hadn't seen each other.

I distinctly remember the morning after moving out, waking up on a completely popped, deflated air mattress in the middle of the floor. And I rolled out of bed and walked to the bathroom and turned on the shower and got undressed. And I turned around and I saw my then fiance doing her morning routine in the bathroom mirror. And I thought she looked beautiful. She was glowing. Yeah. And it had been six weeks. Sure. It was time. Yeah, it was time.

So I made a move and a move turned into kissing and kissing turned into making out to pushing each other up on the bathroom wall. And eventually I find myself sitting on a closed toilet seat receiving oral sex. Okay, great. It just snowballs real, real fast. The heart. The heart knows what it wants. No, distance really does make the heart grow fonder. That's right. That's what it is. I'm enjoying the moment.

And I leaned my head back in ecstasy, and that's when I discovered that during my wife's morning routine, she had lit a candle and put it on the back of the toilet seat. - Okay. - And as I leaned my head back, my hair caught on fire. And I could immediately feel just like a tingling sensation on the back of my head, put two and two together. This is kind of where just being a boy is being a boy, and I didn't want the fun to stop.

Sure, sure. Priorities. I took my hand and I started patting the back of my head. Yeah.

Trying to put the fire out as quickly as possible. I thought I was being sneaky, but I was definitely padding viciously trying to put a fire out on the back of my head. The commotion led to my now wife looking up at me with this look of what the hell are you doing? And that's when she recognized the unmistakable smell of burnt hair. Yeah. And saw smoke erupting from the back of my head. Billowing out of your head.

And she said, are you okay? And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. She goes, well, blow the candle out. So I turned around on the toilet and I blew the candle out, but I blew it out so hard that scalding hot wax then flew into my face, my eyes, my nose, and my mouth, covering my face. Oh my God. And I turn around screaming as there is hot wax all over my face. And my wife is screaming, seeing a horror scene right in front of her.

And I start getting up as a blind man trying to find the shower. And she grabs my arm and helps me into the shower. And I'm letting my hair get wet or at least what's left of it. I'm cleaning the wax off. And then just after a long beat, we just started laughing so hard. Oh, good. It's one of our favorite stories that we tell good friends. I love that it escalated like a movie set piece. It did. If you had slipped getting in the shower, that would have been the third time.

beat that would have made it a movie. No rule of thirds on this one, but it's one of my favorite stories. And when you got out of that shower, did you lead your soon to be bride over to that deflated mattress and finish what you started? Absolutely not. Oh, you know, it was so dead. It was over. Well, he had like third degree burns all over his face. There was no salvaging that situation. Wow. Oh, life. Trying to think. I certainly would have done what you did, which is like, oh, just fuck

how inconvenient get this hair out on fire certainly can deal with that later it's not going to get worse but boy that waxes that's hilarious just imagining you turning around with wax all over your face oh i remember my heart was like beating out of my chest as i was trying to be sneaky but also primal instincts were taking over and i was like trying to survive

So when I blew the candle out, he was just like, make this go away as quickly as possible. Yeah, you were too eager to get that candle out. Oh, we have a visitor. You can come in. Go on in.

This is my wife. Oh, wonderful. We're day one. Hi. She just wanted to pop in. Give her one of your earbuds. Do you have a second one? I actually only have one. Oh. Sorry, wife. He's a fucking idiot. Did you tell him we had roommates? No. They heard the whole thing? No, I did not. I totally forgot that part. You're right. When we moved into a place, we moved into a two bedroom and put six people into it, right? Just trying to keep rent. Oh.

And so we took one bedroom, but it was a bathroom with a wall shared with the other bedroom. As everybody was getting up that day. They heard the commotion. It was all the talk. It makes me look great. Like so good to blowjob like your hair on fire. That was great. Well, Garrett, thank you so much. I'm glad we got to put a face to the story. To the star. Thank you so much, guys. It was great to meet you. Nice to meet you. Yeah, you too, Garrett. Take care.

Oh, man. God is laughing. Yeah. Having a good chuckle up there. Upstairs. Punishing people for partaking in such a sinful behavior. Just trying to have fun. Trying to get pleasure. Trying to think what my most embarrassing sex story is. Well, probably Peronis, right? Right, but it's not embarrassing, right? Like, I didn't do anything that was embarrassing.

I was a victim of a crime, as you recall. You're right. I mean, of course, I definitely came way too fast a bunch when I was younger and made up a bunch of weird excuses. That's embarrassing. The different things I said. Well, the excuses are what's embarrassing. I said one time I was on, which I was, I had thrown my back out snowboarding and I was on prescription Motrin, which is nothing. They're just 800 milligrams. And I was like, oh, I'm so sorry. I'm on this new medication. I think that's why it happened. Yeah.

but it would be telling someone else's story i wouldn't say her name or anything and i think i've told you the story that i was hooking up with a girl i was lying to her as well i had met her cruising in plymouth where people went to cruise and i was with kenny and kenny was 16 but i was only 14. and the girl we met was 17. and so i said i was 16. but anyways i ended up going to her apartment not her apartment her house her parents were gone but it was an apartment

And we were hooking up and it was wonderful. We were in her bed and it was kind of a loft bed. It was up high. Everything was lovely. And we were taking our clothes off and rolling around. And she was kind of on top of me kissing. And then all of a sudden she sat up super duper quick. Oh, yeah. And I was like, oh, my God, what happened? Like, did she hear a noise? Is there parents? And she had this frozen look on her face. And then she kind of tried to sit down on the bed really quick. And then she had a really loud fart. Yeah. Yeah.

And I immediately felt so bad for her. I was like, oh, that's okay. Who cares? Oh, you're making it worse. It's all worse. What was I supposed to do? I know, I know. That's preferred to like, oh, gross. Of course. But I think you should have just pretended it didn't happen. There was too much physical action. It wasn't like she just stayed in the position and we heard a noise. But did you guys continue or did it ruin it? We did eventually continue.

We didn't have sex at that point. It didn't smell? It didn't smell. Thank God. Yeah, I think all in all, it was a big win. Because again, we were up in like kind of a loft bed. So if it had smelled, there was nowhere for it to go. But I bet for her, if she were calling, that would be her story. Have you ever farted during sex? During sexual intercourse? Yeah. And then it smelled? No. Yeah, shocking, right?

You've had so many opportunities. I am surprised. I mean, I farted on Liz just posing for a picture. So it's like a legit question. Right. So weird, people. Just humans. Yeah. What we do. Aaron's got some doozies. I'm sure. Aaron one time, he would not mind me telling this story. It was St. Patrick's Day and he owned an Irish bar. And that was always the most dangerous day in the calendar year for Aaron. Because you start at 7 a.m. drinking tons of drugs. Crazy, raucous bar. Yeah.

Stays long after it's closing. Goes to a motel with our friend who I know. I think he's just meeting her, but I know her from an ex-girlfriend who was her good friend. Okay. He's annihilated. They are having sex and he falls asleep while they're having sex on top of her and

And he's a big boy. Yeah. And she is pushing him off. And the way she's able to get him off is she kind of slides out from under him. And he's now, if you can imagine, he has one leg on the bed and one leg over the bed touching the ground. And so like a quarter of his body is hanging off the bed and he's face down. So his butt cheeks are spread. They're very splayed open because of this position. And she's going, oh my God, I can't believe he passed out during sex.

sex and right as she's thinking that he let like a 30 second long and you know his farts are so squeaky and high pitched so it was just with his butt wide open and they still ended up dating for quite a while after that yes that's how charming he is that's hard to recover from if that's your first time how

How was it? Well, he fell asleep during it and then he farted for 30 seconds with his butt. She splayed wide open. That's so demoralizing. I mean, for her. More indicative of his state of mind than anything to do with her. She's blameless in this situation. I know. But if I'm in that position, I'm looking. I'm just like, oh, what is my life? Yeah. But again, he's so cute and charming. I do love Aaron, but that's not his best moment. I think he would probably agree. How do you fuck?

They fall asleep during sex. I mean, it requires so much energy. Do you think they had been going and going for a long time? Yeah, Erin was infamous for lasting very long. Hello. Hi. What fake name would you like to use? I think I'll do Allie. Allie. Okay, wonderful. Are you allowed to tell us where you're at? I think I might be her first Fresno girl. Ooh. I think you are. Isn't parenthood based in Fresno? No, it's in Mill Valley. That is where Lorelai Gilmore's ex-husband lives.

Okay, yeah. Good work. You're right. Okay, I knew Fresno was a part of it. Fresno was a character. Yeah, it was in like the very first episode and I'm like, oh wow, really getting Fresno out there off the bat. Yes, at a gas station in Fresno. I knew I was right. Good memories, guys. I love Parenthood. Also Employee of the Month, which I feel like people don't talk enough about.

You know, you're right. We never, ever bring up employee of the month. Weirdly, I think that's the best I've ever done at comedy. It was phenomenal. I watched that a lot. I watched it last night. I'm prepped for this. Oh, you did? Wow. Vince Downey checked stand one fastest hands in the West. Fastest hands in the West. Never forget. All

All right, Allie, please tell us the setting and the year of this embarrassing sex story. It was my freshman year of college in 2014. I was signing up for a class and I was at a friend's house and I was a business major at the time and I just needed like four more credits for the quarter.

So they said, Oh, make sure you sign up for the human anthropology class. On the last day, you get to watch a couple have sex for like 30 minutes. Oh my God. Live action. Like you're watching two real people. The best way to describe it. It was like national geographic where you have like an English narrator and they're talking about, Oh,

as the female or the male are about to orgasm, their lips turn red, testicles retract into the scrotum. There's like different phases. Very scientific. Yeah, just very like primal. When

Wait, so sorry. Is this a movie or they're real people? It was like educational porn. So it's a movie. Okay. Monica was worried there were two humans in front of a live sex show. Yes. Oh, no, no, no. That'd be hard to get through faculty. Yeah. This school was in Oregon. So I wouldn't doubt it if that happened. I take the class 10 weeks later on the last day.

And then the teacher's kind of just going on and on. And we're all like, okay, just get to the part because we all know that we're going to watch two people fuck right now. Yeah. How fun. Let's get to the fucking. The last 20 minutes of the class, we are watching it. And I'm kind of like looking around. Is no one else just getting turned on by this? I'm so confused because everyone had to be. I mean, I was. So I leave this class. I had a boyfriend at the time and we both lived on campus. So I leave the class. It was the last one of the quarter.

And I'm just thinking to myself, like, I got to try this out. I got to do sex for science right now. So I was going to walk over there, go surprise him and just afternoon delight kind of thing. So I go over there and he's in the dorms. And for context, he's on the fourth story and there's no elevator. So it's just stairs.

So I walk up the stairs, open the door and like, hey, you know, we're gonna have sex for science right now. And then I don't tell him everything I learned. I just kind of keep it in my head, you know, so I can like be conscious of it like while we're having sex. Can we ask, have you had sex before? Yes. I didn't know if this was a virgin. Like, I just learned how to do it from science and now I'm applying it. But no. Yes. So we dated for pretty much all of freshman year.

And he's actually my boyfriend now. Oh, my God. We loved this. Oh, there was a big break. Now we're here. It's crazy. I go into his dorm and then there's like two bunk beds. So there's beds and then you have like your desk underneath them. So, you know, I have to like climb up the ladder to get to the bunk bed.

And then there's not a lot of space. There's probably like three feet. So you can't really do anything too scientific. You don't have a lot of movement area. So we start having sex. And then two minutes in, he kind of like puts me in a different spot. And I just go like, oh, no, no, no. Like you have to stop. And he's like, what? And I look at him and I was like...

Oh, okay. Uh-oh.

Like squirrels fighting in your stomach? Yeah. You know when you get the chills all over and it's like an emergency kind of thing? Light sweat on the forehead. Oh, yeah. Sweat everywhere. So open the door. And then thank God the bathroom was just like across the hallway and to the left a little bit. So I kind of start wincing over there, open the door.

And then I just got on the bathroom floor. I was like, oh my God, something's really wrong. I don't feel like I'm about to shit myself. I don't know what this is. So unfamiliar. And then I was like, if I push, then it's going to hurt even more. So I had an unexpected evacuation. On the floor of the bathroom. Wow.

on the floor and I was in so much pain and so I just kind of like cleaned it out it was solid oh no is this a male dorm are there boys coming in and out it's a male dorm it's like a single bathroom so there's a shower in there and a bathroom it's like really big oh thank goodness you're safe it's still like a men's bathroom you need like a shower caddy to like go in there because the

Freshman college boys. It's pretty gross. Oh, nasty. So I clean it up and I'm in so much pain. I just turn the shower cold all the way and I'm sitting there and I'm just letting the cold water hit my body. Get out of the shower. I'm army crawling back to his room and I'm like checking in the hallway to make sure that nobody's there because I was just wearing a shirt and I was like soaking wet. But really quick, Allie, if the pain is persisting, what my experience with this type of situation is there's more in there as long as there's

pain. I'm going to have to keep going until I feel some relief. So how confident were you crawling back that there wasn't more? It was to the point where pushing it out was so painful where I was only crawling back because I was like, you need to take me to the hospital. I am army crawling back. And then I take all my might and I open the door and he's just, you know, like hard as a rock on top of the bunk bed. And he's like looking down at me and I'm just soaking wet, like shivering.

Oh, Jesus. And I'm looking back at him and I'm like, you need to take me to the hospital right now. He's like, what the fuck just happened? Yeah. And this is a very short amount of time. We're talking like a few minutes. So no elevator. He picks me up with some like boxers on, takes me to the student health center, which is next door. And they're like, oh, are you pregnant? Like, what's going on? What were you doing?

And I was so afraid to say that I was having sex. I was just like, I was watching TV. I swear. They can't get a straight answer out of anybody in that student health thing. No, they definitely can't. So my sister also went to the same school and she was a senior at the time. So she picked me up. She took me to the hospital and...

And we were kind of just waiting around in this waiting room for hours. And the pain had really like gone away at this point. So I was like, oh, I think I'm fine now. So the pain went away. My boyfriend's there with me. We're kind of just like dicking around in the wheelchairs. And she's like, this is so annoying. You just have gas. We're at a hospital right now. You know, like you ruined my day. I felt pretty bad. So anyway, we go back. He had a final the next day. So we dropped him off. He's like, I'm sorry, but I have to study. Like, it's fine. I get it.

And then we go to a different hospital and I'm laying in one of the beds there finally. And they go, I think we need to give you like an enema to see what's going on. So I just look at them and I'm like, okay, sounds good.

And then I look over at my sister and I go, what's an enema? Oh, God. Oh, yay, yay. So she goes, they're going to stick something up your ass and you're going to shit yourself. You're like, I already did that once today. I already did that. It really hurt. She's like, no, it's just going to fall out of you. Like, you'll be fine. I get the enema done and then they come back in and they say, yeah, you're appendix first. Oh, my God. So you're going into emergency surgery right now. Fuck.

The shitting yourself was kind of unrelated. It was a red herring. Maybe. I don't know. Do people normally shit themselves when they have an appendicitis? Well, maybe just the pain. Well, it feels like everything's pushing out of your body in every which way it can because the toxins are like being released in your body when you're getting it first. People do throw up. I do know that. I went into surgery that night and then I woke up at like a Holiday Inn and

And my mom was there. Oh, my God. Spent a week at the Holiday Inn and had continental breakfast every morning. Wow. Lovely. Is it your opinion that the appendix was on the verge of rupturing and then the coitus and all the movement, it ruptured in that moment, do you think? I felt fine all day because I think about this day all the time. It's kind of like a dream.

Kind of imagine just like a balloon in my body, like being popped. Yeah. I'm pretty sure that's what happened. But I was too afraid to tell any doctors what actually happened. So I probably could have gotten a better like medical answer as to what to place. I was just sitting on the couch. Just sitting on the couch. Well, probably when he moved her so quickly, it ruptured.

I like that theory. It was going to rupture within the next couple of days. The unauthorized evacuation would send me down the wrong path. I'd be like, okay, I have food poisoning. I have something abdominal going on, you know. But I guess you're right, though. The fact that the pain kept going, there was no relief. Although then you said it did go away. That is weird that it like went away. Subsided at the hospital. So I think it was inflamed because there was like a big strike of pain at the second hospital right before the enema. Yeah.

So that's when they came back in and they said it's like not there at first. Oh my God. Thank God you went to the hospital. That's so dangerous. I know. I would have just stayed at home thinking I had poopy problems. Oh, wow. I was just a freshman in college and I was like, oh, I don't really want to deal with this. I feel fine. Yes, of course. What happened when you told your now boyfriend? Also, you wanted some science and you got some science. You learned what an enema was. You got a surgery. Well, they didn't talk about the guy's...

Oh, God.

Just like my father. Yeah. Proud as a peacock. Exactly. God, you survived that. Such a college story. It really has me nostalgic for college. Even though I didn't really even have the experience. It was such a time. It makes me nostalgic for your college. It was pretty special. I'm sure you guys have heard some pretty wild stories today. One...

sort of similar that I thought was going to go appendicitis and didn't. So I'm kind of glad I got an appendicitis. She had guessed in a previous conversation, appendicitis, no gastritis. Yeah, that's what I thought it was. I already have IBS. Oh, wow. There you go. Of course. So you're thinking, oh, I've been here. Wasn't the first unexpected evacuation. Well, thank you so much for sharing that. Nice to meet you. Thank you. All right. Take care.

Oh, things can go wrong. You know my history. My hypochondria is 94% about appendicitis. That's where it mainly lives. I always think I have it. I know because the thing that you're most prone to is lower back pain.

And many times you've told me when you were having lower back pain that you thought you were having appendicitis. Oh, yeah, maybe. Yeah, you'll go right to there. And I always go, I think it's more up front. And you go, no, it can be in back. Well, I've done a lot of home research on this. You have. WebMD. Oh, yeah, so much.

So I actually hated that story. Oh, okay. Because it sort of refuted. Someone told me if you can fart, it's not appendicitis. That feels like a wives tale. Well, and now we know because she pooped. But maybe there was no farting. Oh, so you can poop but no fart? Yeah, the person didn't say you can't poop. Oh my God, I misunderstood. Damn it. What would that? It's something about the air, like the pressure. Oh. So it won't release.

air. I might die then of backed up farts. Oh, by the way, this is a great opportunity to tell you. Okay. You know, the kids are addicted to Dr. Mike. I talk about Dr. Mike on here. He's got a great YouTube show. There was a woman who was holding her farts in at her boyfriend's and

And she gave herself something. And Dr. Mike said specifically, you can't hold your farts in. It's not healthy to hold them in. Shut up, Dr. Mike. You don't know me. Dr. Mike knows. What did she give herself? I'll have to ask the girls. Tummy ache? Exactly. A burp? Yeah. I'm not all that concerned. No, she had to go to the hospital. It was a thing. She was holding all of her farts in at her boyfriend's apartment and it led to a medical condition. So you're going to have to just start farting, okay? No.

We're going to interview Dr. Mike and I'm going to bring this up directly with him. And are you guys going to hold me hostage until I fart? That's right. Save your life. All right. All right. Love you. Love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something? We don't have a theme song. Oh.

Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, I rhyme-ish. On the fly, I rhyme-ish. Enjoy. Enjoy.