Armchair Anonymous: Dad Stories 48:05

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Happy Father's Day. Happy Father's Day to you. Fathers and fathers. How do we say that? Fathers and dads and moms and sisters. Non-fathers alike. Fathers and non-fathers alike.

Of course, for this special day, we're commemorating it with dad stories. I think we got the idea because we talked to sisters separated by a year or two that both had stories that involved their crazy dad. That got us excited to do dad stories. And they're as good as you would imagine. Dads are fun. Dads are fun and unpredictable. Let's see.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm just trying to see if there's anything that can't be heard on here. Yeah, there's some really funny ones. Yeah, yeah. They're all good. They're all good. I don't think you'll puke during any of these. I guess that's all. Well, one, but it's okay.

If someone pukes because they hear about blood, I'm not, I don't feel very responsible for. That's fair. But like, pootie talk, bodily fluids other than, well, bodily fluids. On the scale, for me, what's more nauseating is blood. Oh, really? Than hootie. Yeah, I guess it's person to person. It's person to person. Yeah. But guys, listen to this. It's good. Randomly.

I was telling the girls about one we have coming up. Maybe it's next week or the week after. It's near-death experiences, which is coming up. And then in telling them this one story, it then reminded me of the bear attack story. Yes. And I'm like trying to explain it. And Lincoln wants more and more details. And I was like, I can't. There's no way I can reenact this guy's story. So we listened to it in the kitchen yesterday. Oh, fun. And it finished. And she goes, oh, yeah, there's no way you could have.

retold that story. It was wild. Yeah. I had dinner the other night with Anthony and Allison and they had a bear in their backyard like the week before. They had it on camera. In Silver Lake? No, they live in Mount Kenyatta. Oh, wow. So they had a bear in the backyard. Yes, and a mountain lion on the other side. What if they caught on video a bear and a mountain lion fighting? That'd be a valuable video. Knock on wood.

I got one that they do get that or that they don't. I don't know. Okay, please enjoy Dad Stories. Dad Stories. Father's Day episode. Fathers. Father God. Father God, Father God.

Hello, Alex. How are you? Good. How are you? Good. You're good. Oh my gosh. You're wearing a cute shirt. It says girl dad. Yeah. I got a 18 month old girl sleeping right now and we're actually going to my wife's 35 week ultrasound here right after this. Oh,

Wow, you're in it. Yeah. You'll have the exact same gap we have, basically. 20 months or so? Yep. Don't know the sex yet, but the first one's a girl, so we kept it a surprise. I'm guessing the second will be a girl, too. Because of the shirt. Solidified it. That's what I tell my wife. Okay, so you've got a great dad story. Yeah. So, I've told this...

Sorry, a few times recently, and I've had a problem keeping my laughter under control. So I'm going to, I'll do my best here. Okay. So my dad is a great storyteller. And before we get started, I just want to say, love you, dad. I'll do my best to recollect the story the same way he does.

And I'm probably biased, but in my opinion, this is the best shit in your pants story I've ever heard. Oh, wonderful. I love when prompts merge. Me too. I actually submitted this one for the secret that a parent kept from us because I was on the trip with them and this happened and then...

I'll explain what happened here, but he didn't tell us until years later. Okay. So I come from a family of seven. We would do these long summer trips where we'd all pile in our Chevy Express conversion van. Oh, baby. Yeah, it had like the little TV between the front passenger seats. Every summer, we would take these big loops to a different corner of the U.S. and hit every touristy little thing along the road. And when I was really young, we would stay in...

a pop-up camper at KOA's. For this story, I was 15, so I'm the second youngest. There was only

myself, my younger brother, and I brought our friend with on this trip. And we were going to the Northeast and we were stopping in Washington, DC. We were driving into DC and we had about an hour left and my dad was prepping us to say, "Hey, we're not stopping. We're going to get to the motel." A lot of times he would have us just stay in the van when he needed to run in and do something quick, which we loved because we had the movies to watch.

He was pulling in, and we could tell that he really needed to go to the bathroom. He was starting to make some interesting moans and groans from the front seat. And so he tells us to stay in the van. I'm going to go in, get the stuff, and I'll be right back. I just need to use the bathroom. So he leaves. We're fine with it. We're watching a movie. And we had been in there for, I guess, the time flew by because it was about an hour. Oh, shit.

Shit. Literally. So we see him go up the exterior stairs because that's the kind of motel that it is. He'd come back out to get his bag and he didn't really say anything. He said, just stay in the car. I'll be back in a little bit. Well, he came back, told us, your younger brother needs to stay with you and your friend. I put up a little bit of a fuss.

because he'd always stay with my dad. Dad was not in a negotiating mood. So he stayed with us and then we had the trip and it was awesome. I didn't hear anything. Did you inquire? Why do you need to be solo tonight? Yeah. He just said, I don't want to talk about it. Oh my God. I'm trying to think what I would have thought, assuming I didn't think he had gone in there and wreaked havoc on the room. Does he want to masturbate tonight? Oh no. Hooker. Yeah, Hooker, you're in this big city. What's going to happen in that room? I feel like

When you're young and your parents just say no, you're mad, but you don't think to ask why. Back then, you would just be like, ugh. Yeah, I guess that's just personality time. I'd be like, what the fuck? I need a goddamn explanation. This is out of the normal pattern. What has happened? Even though if your mom said no, you were like, okay. Well, there was no begging. I definitely would have been like, why are we doing it this way tonight?

Is there only a cot in that room? Oh, that would have been a good excuse. Can I see the room? Oh, gosh. I would have put her through the third degree. Okay, so you didn't. You're like, all right, your only objection was I don't want my younger brother with me and my bro. Yeah, so we're all together at Christmas, and we're all telling our best stories, and he busts this one out on us.

And it's all coming back. Apparently, when he pulled into the hotel, he knew he was in trouble and he got out of the van. He could feel that familiar feeling. My dad is someone who's done this before. Oh, sure. I'll just say that. You said he was male, so I already knew that. He tried to rush in through the check-in process. Apparently, it was someone who didn't really know what they were doing. And so when he got the key, he went up the stairs, opened his room, and he couldn't get the key to open the door. Oh, man.

This one is going up the stairs. You can feel the food starting to run down his leg. Yeah. It was already out as he was walking up the stairs. Okay. Yeah. Because my prediction was like, he told his body, I'm putting this key in the door. Six seconds later, we're unloading and you tell your body that and it starts that process and then the key doesn't work. But,

He was already in hot water. When he was going up the steps, we could see he was cupping his butt. And my dad's the guy that wears New Balance white shoes. Normcore. Mid-white socks, short shorts. And he's not a small guy. He's 6'3", probably 250. Okay. Not a small boy. And he couldn't get this door to open, so he panicked. And he started putting his shoulder into the door.

Oh. Oh, my. Until it finally pops open. Oh. Well, that's good. He doesn't bother with the lights. He's just on a mission to get to the bathroom. So he takes off and he trips...

Halfway there. Oh, no. And it's kind of doing that thing where you try to catch yourself, but you know, you're just prolonging the process. Kind of running horizontally. Yes. So he gets up enough where he runs into the wall where the bathroom is. And the way he explains it is that it was just a shit explosion. Oh, sure.

On the wall, down his leg, he gets up to get in the bathroom. As he's telling this story, he's doing his best impression of like the Dumb and Dumber scene of what's left as he's in the bathroom. When he finishes, he comes out of the bathroom and sees in the bed that there are two people under the covers. Whoa, whoa, whoa. That are naked. Wait, what?

Wait, what? So it was the wrong door, probably. What the hell?

- What the hell? - Double book or wrong room? - Wrong room. The motel says it was his fault for putting his shoulder in the door. The couple was upset because they said they gave him their key. - Can you imagine being the couple? - Oh my God, especially if you were like really into it and you were close. All of a sudden a big bull comes- - Comes charging in and shitting everywhere. - Charging into the wall and shitting everywhere. - Yeah.

What he had tripped on was their clothes. Oh, yeah.

I'm surprised he didn't scream. That's what I was just thinking. I know. Maybe it happened so fast. It's happened to me. Hey, or I would yell. For whatever reason, everyone's innate response to that is, can I help you? Oh, sure. As if you could. Maybe they did scream, but he was so in his own zone that he just didn't hear it. Sure. It is possible. Okay, so he sees there's two people.

He had to be in the bathroom for a minute, I'm presuming. Yeah. Yeah. I guess these two people decided to freeze. He didn't hear anything until he came out and saw them there still in the bed. Oh, my God. And what happened next? Did he then get another room? I still don't understand why you can't have your little brother with him. It's not like he joined them. He's like, well, it's going to be three of us tonight. I think he needed some alone time after all that. Okay, well, let's see if there's an answer. He ended up...

sticking around and like cleaning it up the other couple left he felt bad when he went back to the office he asked if he could have some cleaning supplies he did a little bit i'm impressed they let you guys stay it was an interesting motel yeah if you barge down a door in your first five minutes as a guest then shit all over the room

And then now I got to get this couple another room. I wonder if they were having an affair and that's maybe why they were so frozen. I kind of wondered that too. Oh, fuck. They thought they were getting caught? Like early evening in a roadside motel. Could be.

Well, that is fantastic. Yeah, I did not see The Lovers. Me either. That was such a good pop out. Amazing. Oh, well, Alex, God bless your dad. He's an awesome guy and now we work together. Oh, that's great. Yeah, any kind of dad that's driving to all four corners of the U.S. with a van full of kids, a conversion van full. Yeah, I tip my hat to this gentleman.

Yeah, it was great. Before I go, I do want to say that the reason I started listening to you two was my oldest sister is a LMFT. What's that? Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. And she specializes in something that you described as an epidemic in one of your last fact checks. Ooh. I don't know if you remember. Wait, no. It was a little while ago. An epidemic. I say it kind of often. Is it a divorce or sex?

problems. Misophonia. Misophonia. She specializes in that? Yeah. And she did starting 15 years ago. And when she was telling me about it 15 years ago, I had never heard...

what misofonio was so just kind of like an og wow in on the ground floor so obviously there's tools to combat this yes she has her own practice and it's kind of blown up for her yeah because i guess if you have it at a 10 you probably couldn't go to restaurants or anything you couldn't even eat around other people in the extreme version and i think it actually depends a lot on who

is the person that's doing the chomping I was curious about that of course I don't have misophonia but when I hate someone I have it look at this fucking pig

Wow. Well, Alex, it was great meeting you. And I really enjoyed that story. And please send your father our love because what a guy. Happy Father's Day to your father and to you. Appreciate it. And my sister just finished the first draft of her book. Oh, she did? What's it going to be called? Give her a shout out. She hasn't landed on a title yet. But it's about misophonia? Yeah. Yeah.

Well, you can give her this title for free if she wants to use it. Misophonia makes misohonia. That's obviously a great title. It's obvious. And sex sells. So if she wants that, feel free to take it. Alex, great meeting you. Yes. Take care, brother. Bye. Here's Maggie. Oh, Maggie. And Margaret. Taking a swing that she goes with Maggie.

Hello. Hi. Do you go by Margaret or Maggie? You know what? I've had like all the nicknames, so you can call me whatever you like. Well, I want to call you what you prefer, but WabiWab being the rascal he is, he said, okay, Maggie's next. And I said, it's Margaret. He said, I'm assuming she goes by Maggie. He put this in my head now. You can call me Maggie. Only very special people call me Maggie, but I would put you guys in with that. A tiny circle. Does anyone

call you Marge? Oh yeah. In fact, when I was little, I was Large Marge, even though I was like a string bean, but that was Pee Wee Herman days. And yeah, Large Marge, Margie Margarine, Margo. It's so light where you're at. I know, I like it. Yes. I know. And I'm sorry, I'm not in a closet.

So this year, I actually do a bunch of podcasts, but this is all like hardwired into a system and we have really tiny closets in a super old house. And so I hope that a good quality microphone overrode a closet. Yes, that's correct. It does. And you actually look like you're on an elevated plane, like closer to heaven.

Where are you? I'm in Newton, Massachusetts. So I'm just west of Boston, right near Wellesley, where you spent a night. What a lovely place. Do you have cute little parks with walking trails like they have in Wellesley? Everywhere. It's gorgeous. We just moved here a year ago from out west. From California? We were in California before us where I met my husband, but we were in Portland most recently. Oh.

Wow. What a life. Yeah, you're zipping around. Good lighting everywhere you go. Okay, so you have a great dad story. I do have a great dad story. And it is when I was 13 years old. It was on my 13th birthday. And just a little bit of context, it was in Ottawa up in Canada. So I'm an only child, no siblings. And it

Both of my parents were professional musicians. So my mom was a concert pianist. My dad was the principal oboist in the NAC orchestra in Ottawa. So the main orchestra. Oboist. He's a freak. Who's drawn to the oboe? It's such a kinky instrument. I like it. It's a weird one. I will say he was world-class. I'll give him a major shout out here. He was incredible. So that day it was just me and my dad. And a couple of months earlier, he had warned me of this. So my mom was actually on tour. I don't remember where. And

he came to me and said, Hey, your mom's going to be on tour. It's just the two of us. And here's the situation. It was a school night. I don't remember what night it was like a Tuesday or Wednesday or something. And he said, I have the opportunity to pick up an extra gig playing for Les Mis. I don't have to take it.

But if I do take it, it means I'm working on the night of your birthday and we can totally celebrate on the weekend and all that, but completely up to you. Do you want to spend your birthday night with your dad? And of course, being a little overconfident at precious age of 12, rounding into 13, I was like, oh my gosh, no dad, I don't want to hang out with you. I don't know what I really thought I was going to do because it's not like I was going to be like 18 and could go with my friends or anything. Like I was

13. So wake up on the morning of my birthday and completely regret this decision. I'm all, woe is me. I can't believe I'm going to be alone. And I'm laying on the guilt trip stick, just like, I can't believe you are going to work and leaving me here. And I mean, it was totally my fault. There isn't a little piece of me that's like, well, I was only 12. Like he might've been able to anticipate this, but whatever. He was like just the sweetest, most loving man. And he felt so badly. So I go off to school and

a few things about me. So at this time, I was so shy and I was starting to come into my own, but nowhere there yet. And I hated being the center of attention. Like I did not want the spotlight on me at all. And so I went to this very conservative private girl's school. And after lunch, I was rushing to get to English class because I had English class with Mrs. Chance and she was the junior house mistress. So the most strict teacher in the school. And I was terrified of being late.

And as I'm going through this kind of big atrium at the front of the school, there's a big crowd of students, which there kind of always is at the end of lunch, but it was larger than normal. And I could see my girlfriend, Odilia, at the other end, and she's calling my name and she's like beckoning to me. And she is laughing. And this girl had like the most maniacal devilish laugh. And she loved getting people in trouble. And I was like, oh God. And my heart just started racing because I'm like...

It's my birthday. She knows. There's a lot of people here. Something is about to happen. Oh, no. So what had happened in the background is my dad, as I had left for school, felt so badly. He really wanted to make it right, but he didn't know what to do. And I'm also at this really tender age where it's like, you can't be too juvenile because I'm 13, but I'm also only 13, right? So he's trying to figure out what to do, and he decides he's going to send a balloonogram to school. Oh, this...

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. That's so cute. Margaret, it's so cute. But this is not the move when you're a teenager. No, but it's really cute. It's so cute. She's not a teenager yet. He doesn't know. Yeah, you don't know, you don't know. Okay, but this feels like career suicide when you're in junior high.

It was, but for reasons that you're not anticipating. Oh, no. This was a long time ago, and this is way predating the internet. And he looks it up in the yellow pages. He calls the balloonogram place. And they gave him a list of options. And I really wish I knew the full list of options. I only know two. Okay. There was one that was a clown. And he was like, no, no. Creepy and way too juvenile. But the other of the options, which was the one he picked, was a bunny boy. Um...

A slick stripper? So...

So he's picturing, in all innocence, he's picturing this like good looking high school kid in a bunny costume. Now, what would a good looking high school kid be doing on like a Tuesday at noon? He's in high school. I'm impressed he was even able to conjure up something positive. When I hear bunny boy, there's nothing I can come up with in my mind that's going to be bunny boy. It's so weird. Send bunny boy. He was so sweet. He didn't know.

He was just trying to do something that was not a clown. As I said, I don't know what the other options were, so I could never help him like choose from the list retroactively. But I'm back at Elmwood, okay, with all these junior high girls in our little green uniforms. And the crowd kind of parts. And there is this guy, this man with slicked back black hair, bunny ears, black bunny ears. Oh, sure. A cape and balloons. Ha ha!

Who proceeds to rip off the cape. No. And start singing the most lurid happy birthday. I can't remember if there's music or not. He might have had like an old ghetto blaster that he put down. I don't remember. All I remember is him singing, dancing, gyrating. All he was wearing under that cape was the tiniest little thong. Oh, oh.

Oh my God. At a private girls' school. Oh my God. And he's trying to kiss me. This is illegal. He's going for it. Is this the 80s though? Yeah, this is totally the 80s. He's totally not picking up on any cues. I am panicking. Oh my God, this is traumatic. It was so traumatic. All I can remember is seeing faces, like girls laughing so hysterically. My girlfriend, Odelia, laughing hysterically. And all I can think is like, I'm going to be late to English class. Oh my God.

And I'm going to be in so much trouble. And I mean, my heart, like I died a little that day. Oh my God. How long was his song? It was probably like two, three minutes. It felt like hours. I mean, it just felt like it was never going to end. And I was trying to run away from him, but I couldn't because everyone was crowding in because they thought it was so funny. He's surrounded entirely by, and exclusively by minors, young minors. And he'd be- Trying to kiss. Oh. Oh my God. This guy should not have been trusted. Ew.

To go anywhere and represent the balloon company. Definitely not. Oh, the 80s. Were there any teachers around also watching and laughing? Janitor? Actually, that's a good question. Probably there were. I don't know what they were doing. All I know is that by the time I did make it out of there to Mrs. Chance's English class, it was most definitely late, as was half the class because everyone had been watching. And I couldn't be subtle. It's very obvious that it's me, right? I'm there with the stupid balloons. Oh, my God.

But the one who got into the most trouble was my dad. She just called him and lit into him. Like, I thought.

"I thought your family had better taste than this." And he didn't understand. He's like, "It's balloons. It's a bunny boy." Like he totally tried to defend himself. - Was he not in a big fluffy outfit with snapping teeth? - Totally. I got home from school that day and I was freaking out on him and he was so hurt and so confused that this had happened to him. And it's really funny because we all lived in the same neighborhood and they would bump into each other in places and she didn't forgive him for years.

She just didn't have a sense of humor about it. Finally, many, many years later, they met and they laughed about it in the grocery store. So my dad actually passed. He passed in 2017. And I told this story at his memorial. And I learned just after that Mrs. Chance had also passed just a few months later. So at least they left. Wow.

on good terms after all of this. I wonder if Bunny Boy's still with us. Oh, that's a big if. He sounds like he was living life in the fast lane. I'm still a little traumatized by that, but it was, of course, the best story ever. That's so incredible. Oh my God. I wish there was a photo of Bunny Boy. I'm dying to see what he is because when you were 12 going on 13, he probably looked 40, but I wonder if he was like 25. Probably.

It was very skinny. It was very cut. But he was so like glisteny, right? Like I don't know if they had like lubed him up or something, but he was very shiny and he was very naked. And in a thong at an all girls middle school. They had to escort him off the property afterwards. He kind of hung out. He didn't want to leave. Oh.

Boy, you're poor, Dara. It was awful. He tried. I know. It was really sweet. It was totally typical of him. He had the biggest heart. He was always trying to do the right thing. And he would try so hard and then, like, spectacularly fail. Like, there's many, many stories. Is it fair to guess that he was, like, a savant and a genius at music, but then was maybe a little missing the boat on a lot of other areas? 100%. Practical stuff completely escaped him. Yeah. Oh, man.

Well, you turned out lovely. So somehow that all worked out. I have to tell you both, this is such a sim moment for me because I'm telling the story about my 13th birthday. I actually submitted this story for Gifts Gone Wrong way back. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's perfect that it wasn't picked and that it was picked this weekend because Saturday was my birthday. It was a big one. I just turned 50. Oh, congrats.

Thank you. We're the same age. I'm your elder. Come on now. Six months. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To celebrate it, I decided to do something really audacious. I'm a distance runner. So I ran 50 miles. Oh. But the sim part of this is, you guys don't know this, but you have been my training partners throughout this whole journey. Sim.

Since I learned about you, which was in 2020, you have been with me through multiple marathon builds and now through this. And my favorite is Armchair Anonymous. I have to stop running sometimes. I save it because I do my long runs on Saturdays. Like my legs have been buckling underneath me. I've been laughing so hard in some of these.

Oh, wonderful. And it has always been like my dream to be on it. And then I got the email from Emma on Friday, right after we were doing my planning meeting for my big run the next day with my friends who are crewing for me. And I went from being nervous about that to I'm so excited. It's a total sim moment. And my dad's birthday is this month too. And he would just love you guys. Well, you know what I'm most excited for is you're going to be able to listen to this episode while you're running. So right now, Margaret, you're running. I know.

And we're with you. And you're with you, which is even doubly confusing. That's so wild. And we're cheering you on. Yes. Oh, my God. That's so impressive, by the way. 50 miles. Oh, my God. I can't even imagine. It's bonkers. Well, wonderful meeting you, Margaret. Thank you so much for that story. You're sweet. Could my little 11-year-old daughter, who I let listen very selectively to your armchair anonymous? This is like a pattern we've discovered that kids like armchair anonymous. Hi. What's your name? Sia. Thank you for listening.

This should be a family tradition. I definitely think you should attempt to repeat this for Sia's 13th birthday. Yeah. Humiliate her and her grace of it. Wonderful. Well, nice meeting you both. Yes. Thank you. Great to meet you as well. Thanks so much. Take care. Bye.

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Here comes Jessica. Here comes Jessica. Hi, is this Jessica? Yes, yes, I'm Jessica. How are you guys? Nice to meet you. Where are you from? Where are you? So right now I'm in Chicago. I'm from the northwest suburbs of Chicago. Wabiwab. Ask her. What suburbs? Palatine. That's where I went to high school. You went to Front? I did. Oh.

Whoa. I went to the other high school in town, but me and my friend were trying to figure out. We knew we were like from the area, but we weren't really sure. What year did you graduate? 2016. Oh, six. Ten years gap.

He would have been coming back to town for his 10-year reunion as you were graduating. That's rough. Gross. That's really rough. Damn. Maybe we saw each other at the pool or something. Seascape? Must have been before my time. It's not ringing a bell. Okay. It was a miss. No bells and ringings. Ha ha ha.

Okay, so you have a great dad story. I do. Story takes place about 18-ish years ago in the suburbs of Chicago. I'm about nine years old at this time. And all my family is getting together for dinner at this restaurant that we frequent. Most of us still live in the area, but there's some out-of-towners and new babies. And my cousin's new boyfriend is here. And how old's the cousin? Early 20s, I think. Okay. So we're all sitting down.

I'm by my mom and my dad. And we're also across the table from my cousin and her new boyfriend. His name is Adam. So we're all talking, having a good time. The adults are laughing up the vino, the vodka on the rocks. And I'm just kind of sitting there fidgeting with my very loose tooth. I'm pretty young, so I still have like baby teeth. And then once I start eating, the tooth finally decides to pop out. And with this particular tooth, I was bleeding like a

ton. There's a good amount of blood gushing from my mouth. Oh, wow. What was the cuisine? What was the theme of the restaurant? It's like a bar and grill. Can I shout it out? It's called Hackney's. Yeah, absolutely. They have a nice onion ring loaf there. It's really good. But I'm eating a grilled cheese. That's all I ate for most of my life. I start to bleed. And for whatever reason, I don't want to get up from the table, probably because it's packed. So I

Instead of getting up and going to the bathroom, I'm spitting my blood into my mom's empty water cup. Oh, okay. Okay. Swishing around water in my mouth and putting it into the cup. So by the time that I'm done bleeding, there's a big bloody cup of spit water on the table. Oh, God.

Potent Shirley Temple. So it's not like a full Bloody Mary. Or a wine. It's more Shirley Temple. Yeah, it's more Shirley Temple. But there's definitely my blood in there. And my sweat. So the evening's going on. We're having a nice night. And my dad begins to brag about being like a daredevil. He'll do anything. He'll eat anything. Right. So...

Adam says to my dad, hey, Greg, I'll give you $20 if you drink that cup of Jesse's blood. Ew! What are you talking about? Ew. We just had a long talk about eating each other's skin. I still think it's blood. Ew. Worse than skin. Yeah. Wow. I think I would rather do the skin over the blood for sure. Yeah. Okay. Blood? No. Yeah. He picks up the glass without hesitation and chugs the entire thing. So everyone

is mortified. My grandma is so mad. She's upset. She thinks it's disgusting. There's shouts of disbelief and disgust coming from everywhere. And I'm pretty young, so I just start crying because I think I'm

I'm pretty overwhelmed by the reaction, the attention. And most of all, I was just scared my dad could die from doing something like that. I always thought I was diseased or something. And if my dad drank my blood, he would die. Oh, no.

Oh, no. You and Monica would be great roommates. I mean, horrible roommates. You could really whip yourselves up into a lather. We could be afraid about everything together. But yeah, he's fine. And everyone is yelling at him. And he said something to the effect of, she's my daughter. She's my flesh and blood. I drink a cup of her blood.

So in some twisted way, I think that's pretty sweet. It is sweet. Weirdly. Yeah, I'll drink my daughter's blood. No problem. All right, cool. Monica? Well, I don't have one, so I can't relate. If you had one? I would drink it if I had to drink it. But for a dare, no. That's not part of your identity as a daredevil. No, it's not. So that doesn't even appeal to you. But if someone was holding them hostage and said, you better drink this blood, I would do it. Yeah.

Cool. So yeah, that's just a story I tell like any new boyfriend or person meeting my dad just so I can get like a good idea of what his personality is like. Cute. I liked that. Yeah, I like your dad. He sounds fun. Did the boyfriend go the distance? Are they still together? Oh yeah, he's like a staple in our family and he loves this story.

Well, yeah, because it shows a little bit of his color. Like he's feeling quite comfortable if he challenges the patriarch and offers to pay. I'm flush with cash. I got a 20. He was trying to have a little fun too. So I appreciate that. Is it okay if I bring my bestie out? Yes, let's get her in here. And she put me on to you guys. I want her to say hi to you. Emma. Oh, this will be cute to see them try to share this. Oh my gosh. Hi, Emma. Hi.

Wonderful. We're great. Do you guys both listen? Yes. Oh my God, yeah. All day, every day. We discuss most episodes. We get really drunk and talk about how much we love you. Oh, man. That's lovely. Do you have a favorite episode? Yeah, your mom's episode. Oh, yeah. That's how I heard to listen. Totally. That's the first episode I ever listened to. It was incredible. That's a classic. I always listen to that one whenever I want a good cry.

Oh, that's nice. It's probably time to get her back in. I would love that. Yeah, please do. Yeah, I think everyone needs it. I guess it would be like about a five year update at this point. She has a whole other episode to tell for sure. Well, it's lovely meeting you guys. We're very flattered you're listening. And I think it's so fun that you're listening and then like texting each other about it. I like that. Yeah, always. All right. Well, nice meeting you guys. It was so good to meet you. Take care. Bye.

Ah, that's fun. Isabella, Isabella. It does say Bella. I'm not making this up. Oh, Jesus, I don't know if I trust you.

Hi, it's Isabel, but do you go by Bella? Yes, I go by Bella. How long have you been going by Bella? Pretty much all my life. I think in fifth grade, I wanted to go by Isabella, but I quickly changed. That was too much for everybody. That's a lot. Yeah. A lot to ask. Where'd you grow up? I grew up in Hampton, Iowa, but now I live in Indiana. Okay, so now you're in Indiana. Does your crazy dad story take place in Iowa or in Indiana? It takes place in Hampton, Iowa when I was 16 years old. Ooh, sweet 16. Yeah.

Yes, indeed. So when I was 16, it was April Fool's. And my dad is a big April Fool's person. He loves it. Loves it. April's Fool's people are such a type. They are. My dad was one of them. So...

April Fool's morning, we have a gym class before school starts. And so I go and I pick up my friend and we get to this gym class, but we're early. And so I was like, hey, Lexi, I'm going to call my dad and we're going to prank him. And she's like, okay. And so little backstory, my dad's a paramedic and he's a nurse. And I know he was getting ready for work. I call my dad and immediately I'm like, dad, dad, we got in a car accident. This is not

a prank. This is just horrible, horrible. Don't worry, he gets me back later. So I called my dad. I was like, Dad, we're in a car accident. Lexi, we crashed. I don't know if she's breathing. Oh my God! You went hard. I am like going on with this story. I hear my dad. He was making breakfast for work. He's dropping the pans. He's yelling at my mom. He's like, Maria, call 911. And so he's like, okay, look at her. Is her chest moving? Like, what is happening? I was like, Dad, I don't know.

She's like, okay, where did you crash? I'm coming. And I was like, we're by the school. And I am like selling it. This is evil. It was evil. I hear him grab the car keys and then open the door to our house to like leave. And I'm like, haha, April fools. And he's like, Isabella. Isabella.

And there's a sense of relief and then also just like being impressed. Oh, wow. This is illuminating to what kind of family you're in. So this is fine. This is fine. Lucky. Yes. And so he definitely was like slightly impressed, also a little relieved. And then I go to school and the day goes on and I forget it's April Fool's. I am coming home from school. I pull up into our driveway and my dad is outside with a puppy. When I was 16. Oh.

I had been wanting a puppy for the longest time. I had been begging for a dog. It was the dream. And so I pull up and he's just playing with his puppy. I get out of my car. I'm like, a puppy. Oh, my gosh. And he was just like, I was on my way home from work. And this puppy was just on like the side of the road. And I picked him up. We're walking inside our house. He gives me the puppy to hold. We go inside. I'm like petting this puppy. And I was like, oh, my God, he's so cute. I think it was a she. She's so cute. And I'm like, oh, my God, he's so cute.

And my dad is like, yeah, the shelters, they were closed. And the vet office, it was closed. It's just looking like we're going to have to keep him. And I was like, oh, my gosh, I love him. And I'm like petting her to her. I'm like petting her. And he's letting me go on, talk about this future with this dog. And so he's like, you should name her while we have her. I just love the name. He'd be like, Santana. Santana.

Wait, Santana or Zantana? Zantana. It's a DC character, Dr. Fate's child. Oh. I was a big geek growing up. And so I was like, okay, we'll go to Petco. We'll get all the things. I'm going to get a cute little collar. And my dad's like, that's absolutely wonderful. And I was like, dad, can we keep her? And he's like, it's kind of looking like we get to keep her. And I was like, oh my gosh, this is so great. I'm just over.

And I was like, okay, so Santana and he's just sitting in the corner, just like sparking and smiling. And I'm just like, oh, he's just so happy. His daughter is just so happy. So I just am petting this dog. There's like a moment of silence where I'm just like in awe. And he turns to me and he's like, well, the dog's actual name is Charlie Polk. And I

And I was like, what? That's not a good name. And he's like, no, the dog's name is Charlie Polk. It's time to go take her back to her family. April Fools. And I was like, what?

You guys go rough on April Fools. You guys are dork. Yeah. And so my dad told me his whole evil scheme. He found a family friend who had like a new puppy, went and picked it up, plotted this whole thing to like surprise me after school and to prank me. I played on his worst fear. He played on my biggest dream. True.

Wow. You guys are made for one another. Yes, we are. He's a great dad. I absolutely love him. Did he come up with that plan in retaliation or did he already plan that for April Fool's that day? He came up with it in retaliation. Yeah. He was like, I need her to understand how

terrible that was. And the only thing I can think of is getting her to fall in love with something and then rip it away. Yeah, 100%. And he did that before with my older brother where my older brother really wanted a car. And so my dad took him to a car shop, said he could have this vehicle that everything worked out financially. This is crazy.

crazy. Got the keys to like open the car. My brother's like, oh my gosh, thank you so much, dad. Thank you so much. And hands him the keys and says like April Fool's. Oh. And like my brother didn't even do anything to him. My dad just did that to him. No retaliation. I guess now I'm thinking he did deserve the fake car crash. Oh, 100%. You know what's funny is I think I have a very easy time not being judgmental, but this one's tough. It's hard for me not to go, this guy, this is rough. Well, it's plainly

They like it. That's the thing. They're all consenting. Exactly. They all enjoy it. Yes. Very playful. Has he given up on his April Fool's-ing or do they continue on? Well, now that I live in another state, it's really hard to like get me real good. We try to every April Fool's just calling and saying fake news or something, but it's not as grand as it was when we were growing up.

Okay, I have a recommendation. This was a thing that a friend of mine's father did to get even with a co-worker. You should figure out whatever the local Craigslist is for your dad's area. And you should say, sold my two Harleys, have a ton of extra parts, pipes, bars. Just come by and get them. I work midnights. I'm off Saturday. Anytime from midnight to 3 a.m., just come. Don't call. Free Harley parts. Oh.

Because the kind of folks that show up to pick up free Harley parts are the last people you probably want to greet at your door at midnight. So just think about maybe placing a fake ad with free Harley parts. You know, I think I will. That's a really good idea. He needs to be pranked again. Yeah.

And hopefully a dozen guys will be showing up over and over again. That was fun. That was fun. Thank you, Bella. Of course. Also, could my husband say a quick hi? He's a big fan. Of course. Of course. Okay, Jack, come here. Hi.

Hi, Jack. Nice to meet you. It's nice to meet you guys. Are you a prankster too? Because girls sometimes marry their fathers. Are you a rascal? No, I'm horrible at lying. Pranks are not my thing. The idea of doing that to somebody just scares me. But, you know, they say one of your kids in the future will one day be like your parents. And so I'm just very worried.

that my daughter in the future is going to do this to me. That scares the crap out of me. It's a healthy fear. Now, when you were getting to know Bella and she was telling you about her dad and what he was capable of, were you getting nervous? Yes. Is he an intimidating figure? No, he's just like a teddy bear. Oh, okay. It was really funny because I asked for her hand in marriage from her dad. He was talking about how strong-willed she is and how evil she can be. Oh, okay.

How are you going to handle that in the future? And I was like, yeah, well, I don't know. We'll see how that goes when that happens. Okay, so he gave you some warnings. He's like, you can totally have her. He's like, let me tell you this story. Buyer beware. She might call you. She's going to act like she's dead. Pretend she's in a car accident. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, turn your phone off on April 1st. Seriously. That would be the recommendation. Well, it's so nice meeting you guys. You're such a cute couple. Yeah. It's nice meeting you guys, too. It's been a real pleasure. All right. Bye.

- Well, he was so cute, wasn't he? - Oh my God, yeah. - Got like a mo-- - My clothes still on? - Yeah, Jack was a lady killer. - He looked like a CW star. - Star, yeah. - I was thinking he could've been an outsider. It was like Thomas C. Howell, all those cute boys. - Or CW.

Yeah, it was your generation, my generation. Apparently there's an Outsiders musical now. Oh, really? Yeah. That's supposed to be fantastic. Maybe he's in it. That might be a musical I would see because I love the movie The Outsiders so much in the book. S.E. Hinton, 16 years old writing Outsiders. Woman, girl. What are you talking about? Wait, right? What? S.E. Hinton is a girl. Yeah. I mean, she's a woman. She was a girl when she wrote those books. Yes, and now she's a woman. It's impossible. I know.

But it's not. I don't understand it. Women are very possible. They happen all the time. That was fun. Yes. Happy Father's Day to all the fathers out there and all the grandpoppies. Future dads. Everyone. Happy Father's Day to all the women and moms and girls. That's right. And the aunts and the grandmommies. Obviously, there's so many great stories I could tell about my sweet Pippi. Same. Yeah. Do you have one that comes to mind? No. Okay. Okay.

The one that just pops into my mind is one time my father was visiting. And at the time, this is probably 05 or 06, I had a jacked up Chevy truck and

and I had a Porsche 911. And so I had a really busy day. He was visiting, and I had a meeting on the west side, and then I had a meeting in Hollywood, and then I had to go to Disney out in the valley. And so I said, what are you doing today? And he's like, your cousin Jamie's coming over. We're going to go out to lunch. And I'm like, great. I should be home at whatever time. So I'm going from my second to my third meeting. I'm going up

towards Disney. As I'm crossing Franklin and Coanga, I see my truck sitting on the side of the road and there's two cop cars around it and no one's in the truck and the flashers are on.

And I just like drive by. I'm like, that's my truck. What on earth is it doing here with police cars around it? So I call my dad's cell phone right away. He doesn't answer. And then I call my sister and I'm like, hey, I'm on my way to this meeting at Disney. My truck's on the side of the road. Will you call my dad and see what's going on? So she calls me back in two minutes and she goes, oh yeah, he answered right away. He's like, hey girl. And she goes, hey, Dax wants to know why his truck's on the side of the road. And he goes, oh.

He told you, I gotta go. I'm talking to the cops. And just hangs up on her. Oh, no. So that's the information I have as I enter this meeting at Disney. And I'm, of course, pretty preoccupied by what is that? Sure. I have the meeting. It's like an hour and a half general meeting. It's fun. I completely forget about what had happened before I got there. I get out and I have a couple of voicemails.

And so I'm listening to them and the first one's from my insurance company and they're like, your truck was towed to this body shop or we'll get it assessed. The second message is from my father. And he goes, this bitch came out of nowhere. Oh.

Well, Jax, I drove over a Honda with your truck. Oh, my God. I tried not to let them tow it, but they insisted on towing it. Anyways, I'm back at the house. I'll see you when you get here. No, I'm sorry. No, anything. This bitch came out of nowhere. Come to find out, he literally drove over this girl's Honda. He was like barreling down the parking lane on the right side of Franklin. And this gal poked the hood of her car out into the intersection, leaving a parking lot. And he drove up.

over her hood, smashed the windshield, drove off the car and then put it in park. - Shit. - And when I got home, he never did say sorry. He was just like maybe hurt that I wasn't more concerned about him from the accident. - Oh really? - Yeah. When I got back, I pull in the driveway and Jamie's there with him and Jamie's got a plenty nice car. And so my first question was like, why on earth did you guys even take the truck?

He just showed up in a car. Sure. Oh, and he goes, oh, I got a parking ticket before they towed it. So then he handed me a parking ticket. Oh, ouchie, ouchie, ouchie, ouchie. Oh, I love him, though. Sure. Sweet, colorful man. All right, well, happy Father's Day. Happy Father's Day. Love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something? I'm going to have a theme song.

Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the flyer, I'm dish. On the flyer, I'm dish. Enjoy. Enjoy.