Ep 505 - Pepsi Country (feat. Billy & Spud) 01:26:10

We start, we're in, we're live. And we're live, dude. What a fucking vibe. Well, it's not live stream, but we're live. We're currently talking in real time. We're up right now, bro. We're live. You're out California way. I'm out San Jose way right now. That's nice. Is that south or north? It's like north. It's technically Bay Area, but it's, I don't know. San Jose, I don't want to shit on it right before I come to do stand up here, but San Jose kind of sucks. Really? Shitty.

place is a fucking shithole the problem is that you're a shithole oh yeah true true gba gba for sure god bless america yeah no san jose is fine enough it's just like

There's nobody there's like barely anybody outside. It's creepy I mean, this is my second time here last time I was here on the Super Bowl It was just me and homeless people walking around now. There's a couple people but like dude, it's a ghost down around It's a kind of eerie. It's Gavin Newsom's, California. Sure that so happen when libs take over Dude people are buying the Kamala stuff. I think people are uh, I think I've never seen anything like this before in my life Matt the speed of this It's fucking nuts

Dude, they ran a guy. They ran a senile guy and they got caught. Eventually, they're like, all right, we have to come to terms with this. And they just toss in fucking Kamala's ass. It's crazy. She's an Indian. She's an Indian. Look, Bill, I don't care what race she is. All right. I really don't. Yeah, I did. I saw Trump.

at the black journalist she's obviously she's both huh she's black and Indian yeah but Spain looked into it more bro yeah I think it's a trick like Trump her dad is a Marxist economist so now you're really looking at her dad you know what I mean so it's like an L for her right her dad's a Marxist economist yeah so he's like what's his fault Stanford he's Trump's playing on another level bro

He's above us looking down on the board. I mean, the problem is he did come down hard and he was like, she ain't black. He basically, he took Biden's weapon and utilized it against him and said, she ain't black. Matt, he might have angel's wings right now. That picture of Jesus guiding his hand at the desk has become reality. That was a real painting. I thought that was fake.

what do you mean there's a picture of him signing something and jesus is like guiding his hand yeah that was an act of god i've come to the full conclusion that that was an act of god look someone tried to take his ass out i was listening to sean ryan and on eric prince talk like the blackwater dude he's like i don't i know all the snipers and i would not trust a single one to take that shot and clip my ear

so all the blue nines that are like dude it was a it was fall it was fake they like just hit his ear on purpose like that's crazy obviously that's not real they probably had plans in the works for him being dead but he's still alive yeah it's up their whole now they're trying to say like they're trying to create the assassin but trump's supposed to be gone like when they killed bobby kennedy they like slowly rolled out who sirian serum was yeah who's here i'm serum again

Oh, he's a Palestinian Christian. Not that it matters. He's the guy who shot Bobby. Yeah. Okay, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, what do you guys think about the drone and all that stuff? There's a drone circling it and like... It was crazy. He brought a fucking range finder and had a drone and then a ladder. And he was running around on the roof. They were following him. Yeah. They watched him do it.

Every time this happens, the FBI just says, that guy was on our radar. Yeah, you know what else fucked up, Matt? Those Penn State cops were there. What were they doing there? I don't know, but they fucked up on Joe Pond, dude, bro. I was about to say, they should just be in the locker rooms, dude, forever. They should just stay in the showers, man. Just be a Praetorian guard. Yeah, dude, Trump Daddy's back, dude. I don't know, man. Did you watch the back of it?

The black journalist? I watched a little, I caught a little bit of it, man. When the lady was being nasty to him. He's like, you're nasty. You're 35 minutes late because you can get yourself to work. Dude, but if you watch that, he's kind of killing when he's there. Like people are laughing. They're cracking up. Yeah, dude. He kind of. It's the best thing to happen for black people presidential-wise since Abe Lincoln, bro. And I love how they challenged that too. What about Lyndon Johnson?

I heard someone like, what about Lyndon Johnson? It's like, dude, you can't try to play these games with him. Actually, Lyndon Johnson was pretty cool. Hilarious thing, too. They try to come at him with like, yo, don't you think Vance is fucking weird? He goes, it doesn't matter who the vice president is. It never matters. Yeah.

He dogged Pence, too. But she's a vice president. It's a fucking slam dunk. Oh, fuck. That is a 40 slam dunk. How come Vance is getting hit with the weird? Because he went to fucking pride parades and shit. He's a weirdo. No, they're doing that. Oh, because he went to pride parades? No, it's not. It's the exact opposite. Dude, they say he fucks furniture. I heard he fucked furniture. Yeah. Everyone gets curious. He was, well, hold on. Who among us hasn't pumped a couch? I'm saying the pillows count. He has a pestle and mortar in their bed.

Between couch cushions, that's the juicy type. I mean, apparently he put a latex glove in the couch. Dude, on couch cushions? That's the juicy type. He must have a fucking wad on here, bro. I'm just saying. Matt, you ever hit them between the cushions? Matt, what are you hitting in that hotel room, dude? I've just blasted it. I've just blasted it. I've never...

No, I'm just saying, you never try to find change in the couch and thought, like, bro, this is a juicy time. This couch can have my money, bro. This couch can have it. Yeah, I'm more of a morning waking up and just fucking sleeping on my stomach and humping the bed until I wake up. Like, my butt is huge.

Nah man, you know? I'm just like, when you wake up, you got like a pee boner? Yeah. Like Denison couldn't get bigger if it tried. Pee boner. Must be 15 inches. Pee boner's disastrous. For morning sex? Yeah. So like, I actually just have to pee. We gotta stop. The whole time, like, I've never been harder. I have to pee so bad. You just gotta pee and hit her with the ulti-load. She'd be like, oh fuck. It's squirting.

Oh fuck! It's so much cum. Speed describes it as movie theater butter. It's disgusting. So gross. Speed's face looks solid sometimes. Yeah, sometimes my piss is like amber. Looks like someone mixed jello in the toilet. I'm not healthy. It's the color of your energy. Dude, Sleepy Joe was in Austin. Fuck him.

He shut down the whole city. I was trying to get home and I couldn't for 45 minutes because they, for some reason, decided to spend... The dead one or the alive one? The six foot, six seven. Brittany Griner with white hair.

Dude, they shut down the whole city. You see that fucking boxing match with the trans? She's not trans. What is that? She's literally not trans. Supposedly she's a woman forever. She just had something where her T levels were real high. Her T levels beat the fuck out of that shit. It's illegal to be trans in Albania, allegedly.

They said that is a chick who just like fucking had a lot of team or growing up. All right. Apologies. Sorry. I even brought it up. So is it when a personal privilege you grew up, right? Wait, so that, that wasn't a dude. Everyone's calling that person a dude. I don't know. I think it's literally just something to make people. Why are they doing this with the Olympics? It's outrageous and crazy. Yo, that Olympics fucking opening was fucked up. I don't care what you say. It was fucked up. It was against God. Yeah. Yeah. What was it?

What was that all about? What was that all about? It's called flip. They're trying to flip flop it, dude. It's Satanism. Yeah. It's the version of what's right. You know, they're worried though. They're worried about the enhanced games. I can't. You see those two dudes? Bill, I saw that dude on Rogan. That dude was fucking zesty too. Yeah. Bill said a guy's ball was hanging out on the fucking Olympics.

yeah not allegedly it's real so there's a picture it was like right next to a kid how's that weird it's like it just is like that's weird like somehow jd vance is weird because he drinks diet mountain dew but some dudes nuts you just bought it in their psyop bro what they got your ass they got the blender they got you bro obviously it's weird just don't fucking talk about it i know but what time out and do

no I don't even died anything it is funny to be worried about your sugar intake but still need to do the do like I gotta do the do in some way it's brutally white trash it is I think we would get that my mom has diabetes really yeah my mom Scott Malkinson she has diabetes we always had diet

Dude, I just never drank soda. I would leave it. I would never drink soda ever. Dude, yeah, DC is nasty. People have like legitimate addictions to that. Die, Dr. Pepper, though. Is it good? It's not bad. DDP, 23 flavors.

yeah after a party dude we'd have like a we had a refrigerator down our basement there'd be like 15 cokes and i would just run downstairs crushed and then come up for dinner bro when vanilla coke came out i love that they had vanilla park i was going nuts on them pepsi went on the dumb and had blue pepsi that nah bro pepsi kona was the yeah and clear remember crystal clear pepsi yeah blew my mind well i was thrilled

What? Are they Pepsi or Coke over there? They're Pepsi. Everything is the opposite. It's all Powerade and Pepsi. Powerade is good as shit over there. Burger King, Powerade, Pepsi. Yeah, they love Burger Kings. Yeah, that's a bad sign for the country. They don't have McDonald's, Coke, and Gatorade. Really? It's rare.

Interesting. Dude, Pepsi country is for real. It's a sign you're in a bad country. For real? No, I'm dead serious. I mean, I believe that. Pepsi is like a traitorous company. They would sell Pepsi to our enemies when we were at World War. Holy shit. Yeah, Pepsi tried to take out Coke during the World War because obviously Coke was there on the front lines supporting the soldiers. That's how we have the international Coca-Cola factories. They built factories so they could supply the troops during World War II. Pepsi guy. Yeah.

Dead Pepsi was over and like the Soviets are drinking Pepsi. Everyone was like Coke. I mean, I'm kind of a pet. I thought the Soviets were like, I always favored. I always favored Pepsi. Yeah. Did the Germans have Coke?

i don't know i did not have coca-cola i think they were sipping that pepsi they were pepsi boys yeah little crazy guys yeah a little pep there was another called uh what the hell is it uh something sport it was like uh carlos sports all sport all god bro went home those are so good i've made weight for like the 90 a's football team at byc and then immediately crushing all sport post game pixie stick

Just gave you a fucking cramp. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Pixie sticks like that. All my drool would get in. It would just pile in, and I couldn't get any out. I'd have to break it with my teeth. Fucking insane they gave us. You ever snort pixie sticks? No. No, dude. I know sickos. They used to do that in grade school. They're all sickos.

One lives. Oh, by the way, excuse my biohacking device, guys. Don't mind this. Oh, is that the aura? That's my aura ring right now. You're a Huberman dad, bro. I'm a Hube dad, dude.

It's wild to get into a full human optimization. I'm biohacking, bro. Monitor your bio. At the age of 30. Are you referring to my biological age of my cardiovascular system? Because if so, 31, thank you. Are you serious? Yeah. You guys can laugh all you want. Damn, bro.

you're youngling yeah and look at this guys daytime stress plummeted when i came on chill with you guys dude obviously yeah you guys just took me right down to how whacked out you were before you got on the zoom

What the fuck? We'd be flatline. Stress back up. Stress back up. Or a ring starts to burn your finger. Actually, I had to walk back fast. That was why. Physical stress counts, too. Yeah, our stress levels are my flatline in Billville over here, bro. My stress is just holding in my shit. You say your stress levels are flatline? Oh, yeah. Just chill?

Chill, Bill. Give me the data, bro. I only trust the data. I don't trust order rings at all. Why? How not? Bill's freaked out by biometrics right now. Some dude's like, yo, your real age is 30, Bill. Keep buying the ring. Isn't it a monthly plan?

But yeah, but I'm saying dude they were they wouldn't lie you think you think or rely bro bill you think or rely I think they just sell your health data to actuaries and fucking make it harder to get insurance below What you talking about bro, what's that say go to the doctor Holmes Cardiovascular capacity high age 31 seven years below. That's a screenshot. Is this doing burn? On the page and hit something on the page. Oh

Check it out. What are you talking about? This is another picture. Now I know you're just playing with me, bro. So do you wear what he's... I mean, being two ring guy is fucking wild. I mean, just keep going. That's correct. Dude, I... So I just want... I wanted to just attract my sleep because my sleep was so bad. I was like, I'm never wearing this during the day. And as soon as they're like, you want to check out your stress? I was like...

i'm not going to see anyone for a day or two and now i just shamelessly wear it as soon as i'm talking to anyone i'm like oh by the way dude this is an aura ring i'm not a touring guy a lot of dudes go with the index finger too you're supposed to because that's they recommend your index because there's like some sort of vein or something i don't know but they say it's frank's got get like some turquoise you get some malachite get some gems dude i'm gonna go dude i'm gonna get blinged out dude yeah what the am i doing

I was talking to Marcus King and I was like, bro, I'm not a two ring guy. He's all ringed up. I'm like, bro, what the fuck? Yeah, you're right, bro. I don't have enough fucking rings right now. True. He is a rock star, though. Yeah. I would look like a decomposing corpse if I put on rings. My fingers are so fat. It'd be disgusting looking like a river body. Yeah, it would just be fucking disgusting looking like a merchant or something. You would look powerful, dude. You put some rubies on your hand. You're jewelry, man. I just have a necklace. That's it.

Multiple chains. Two, yes. Two chain. You used to be three chains. I've seen a lot of chains. Yeah, what happened to the third chain? Well, why don't you wear it anymore? Someone snatch that off you? It goes into full defense mode. It's two sides, like match right there. Loves to ditch it. Loves to ditch it. It's too front. I know. It's happened to great men before. That's very nice. You have a very expensive mood ring.

Don't attack me, bro. I won't. Bro, if I'm restored, I'm literally... Don't put the fucking red glasses on with that. Oh, that would be nice. Yes, dude. Oh, my God. Dude, I'm fucking restored right now. If my stress goes up, I might have to log off for 15 minutes and get myself a five-minute body scan, dude. If you get that, if you get that... Is that camera still on? Yeah, why? You should check it. It looks like it's not red. It's not.

What's not red? The camera. It would have shut off here. No, no, I'm just trying to get Matt's stress. Oh, I'll put you in. Bro, we're recording on Zoom. We're recording video on Zoom right fucking now. Now you got me freaked out. But it will say it, right? Yeah, it will go off. Okay. Yeah, that camera's on. Dude.

yeah you guys you guys are coming i mean dude when i'm out in the field that thing shuts down yeah it happens all the time spade was over heat yeah what are we doing not talking about spud in egypt let's go oh yeah what the before that i went to rome to go visit the first reich yeah all right i already regretted my i went to uh i was in the in line of the pantheon

Paul, do you mean first Reich as in what does that mean? Like Napoleon? I don't know. I think it means like... The Holy Roman Empire. Yeah, the Holy Roman. Yeah. The Good Reich. Or the Roman, right? I don't know. What are the Reichs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess maybe. I have no idea. Dude, I was looking at that stuff. I tried. I'm going to...

I'm like really dumb. I'm real dumb and can't like understand other languages. So I bought a ticket to go in the Pantheon. And then I stood in the line to buy a ticket to go in. And I'm standing behind this dude. And like he sounded just like the Fuhrer.

i like turned around i was like yo this guy must be from the same place as adolf and he's like five nine 150 pounds and he's like going off on his girlfriend he's going off on his girlfriend and like the two of them are talking it's an aggressive language and i was just like holy this guy's a loser drinking a pepsi no i saw him and i was like dude this must have been so brutal for this guy to control a whole yeah pack of people uh yeah

You got a little taste of Hitler. Yeah, I saw it and I was like, whoa. And you said, this is not for me. It's not for me. You're like, you know what? I don't like this.

He's had a real I didn't realize how annoying this guy's voice Yeah, you're behind him in line for the Pantheon and the heat it's rough Germany room in the dead of fucking summer There is these bossing out push-ups in the street Yeah, really the fucking architecture. There's a beauty Matt. Did you know that the Jews built the Coliseum? Oh

i didn't know that actually but you know that almost every famous magician is jewish as well that's crazy let me hit you with another cool jew fact yeah apparently all the great magicians are jewish i got a good jew fact that's been making me laugh this uh there's a community put out a special about like being jewish about like anti-semitism from the right yeah and he put it out right before the attack are you serious he was like yeah the right wing hates jewish people and then that happened it's like

You sure about that? Yeah. You sure that's the side that's anti-Semitic? Oh, man appealing fucking Mario Kart. Dude, did you see that shit? They just killed that guy from Hamas. Like the missile was like a remote control that like connected to his phone.

Well, dude, like went the missile, like allegedly who the fuck knows. But this is like some crazy American shit where a missile went down the street and then up into a room, like up a building and then into a room and blow them up. That's what they said. Like the war. It was just the. Yeah. What was his name? Wiley Coyote. This is what I'm saying. You got blown up by TNT. Yeah. Goddamn Acme Incorporated, dude. Fucked his ass up.

And he was a Palestinian man? I don't know. That would suck. Some Hamas guy in Iran. It's like people think you're exaggerating about how bad it is and a fucking missile goes through your hallway. Yeah.

My life sucks. This war kind of sucks, honestly. A missile. It hit his phone? I'm tired of this. It was tracking his phone? Is that what you're saying? Something like that. They tracked him down to a man. To a man. Like a missile to a man. Damn, he was just confirming his age on the hub, dude. Yeah. Gave him the coordinates. We just need this for 24 hours. Took his passport out to get into the hub. Took a picture of him. It's just a lock on. Tomahawk. Fuck.

Do you ever try to fuck with like Middle Eastern? Do you ever fuck with Middle Eastern hub? Negative, bro. It's weird, bro. Yeah, if you try to hit like Pakistani hub, it's like pretty wild. Yeah, it's all like fucking 720p grainy shit. Yeah, no AC.

What are you talking about? All right. Just like trying to spy in on like some. Yeah, just seeing like what's good over there. How is it just like sweaty, flat butts? It's just sweaty, flat butts. Hey, what's wrong with that? I had one of those all day. It's not a shit. It's fucking hot as fuck. I had a sweaty, flat butt all day. You might get tackled in that.

So stay out of there, bro. I'm not going there. I'm plump, too. They would fucking get older. I told Spade to wear the full, like, fucking thing. Just be an Arab woman and walk around the streets. You could have done it to get into the Vatican. I couldn't handle it. Just put the chesty camera right in the middle. You might get tackled, though, if you did that. Yeah. Can't be hiding stuff under that.

Yeah. How, how was, so you went to Rome, so Rome to Egypt, what was the, uh, what was the transfer? Like how, how was that in terms of like country to country? It was brutal. I went, um, on some dude fucking, um, had a medical emergency on the plane. So I was on the, I was on a tarmac trying to get on a plane. Like, so I was trying to get on Egypt air, which

which is like an Arab air country or an air company. So the Romans were like already salty about this, but some dude was passed out on the plane and he had to get stretchered out. So I spent like two hours on the tarmac and like a hundred degree heat with a bunch of, with like half Italian, half Arab. So it was rugged. There's a big culture of different. They're not, they not like us, man. They don't like shorts. They got problems with Americans. Like they hands for freedoms. Yeah.

Yeah, that must have been how are you? Why they keep you on the tarmac cause they had to cut the seat belts and they had to get the dude out of the plane. Did you ever figure out what happened? Why don't they let you go back inside? Yeah, no, they just kept us on a bus. They let a bunch of kids do. They let a bunch of little kids run up the fucking steps and go piss.

It was fucked up. Parents were flipping out. There was a bunch of masked up people too. They were losing their minds. Yo, me, Matt, Michael Valentine Smith, dude. Chill. Don't move.

- Don't give a fuck. - Yeah. - Dude, the ride back is disgusting. - Ate the whole thing. - What he did. - Ride back. - Yeah. - Killed, raw-dogged it. Didn't move. - 12 hours. - Didn't shed or piss for 12 hours, but also a couple hours before it and then a couple hours after. Wait, why? Why wouldn't you piss? - He's a pervert. - Just chilled. - Just chilled. Yeah. I didn't move, bro. - I think it's a perversion. - I didn't move, bro. - What do you mean? - I just sat in my chair. - He raw-dogged. - No headphones? - I didn't move. - Nothing? - Yeah. - You did no headphones? - For 12 hours.

I just sat there. It's a perversion. And this little kid behind me was kicking my fucking chair. Well, I would have had headphones, but I didn't bring my beats. Oh, man.

I definitely would have. That wasn't on purpose. I was fucking... I thought you were trying to rob a headphone. No, I bought these bullshit Bluetooth things called Hyper Gear Sport 2, and they hurt. They don't fit right. He always thinks he's getting a deal. I'm trying to get deals. There is known companies that will have a fucking headphone that's great every fucking time. So you sat on a 12-hour flight from Egypt to America silent? I drank three waters.

But they're little, dude, they give you little ass water. You drink three 30 waters in 12 hours? Yeah. He doesn't drink water. It's fucking weird. It's crazy. How did you like the raw dog? And then he felt like shit for like three days. I'm just coming out. I'm just coming out of it now. Obviously, I don't know how to take care of myself. Yeah, but you're like a Tamagotchi dude if you're not there. It just sits. Things on the set, you got to water it.

What kind of, like, did you enter into any, like, reverie or, like, flights of fancy? Like, or was it just quiet? I would just go, I'm breathing. Sweet. Shit like that. You want to ventilate a moment? Yeah, just going to keep breathing. That's a good move. Yeah, sleep escaped me. Bill, you're going to be in the, you're going to be in the, you're going to be in the check. I don't know, I'm fucking sitting here. What? I'm going to be the what?

That is a good valid question. It's like, why does my brain need anything right now? And you can just veg out, go into the organism. You know, maybe I fucking just sat, thought about shit. Who the fuck knows, dude? There's not a lot going on up here, man. I mean, fucking...

Sometimes he just likes to shut it all down. True. I did ride a camel. I went to Egypt, rode a camel twice. Named Bob Marley. His name is Bob Marley. Met a chill-ass dude with a wife in L.A. Dude's afraid to go to L.A. because it's too cold. Lives in Egypt. Hilarious. What? L.A.'s hot as fuck, bro.

there's also a ton of trash around the pyramids yeah a ton of like coke bottles and stuff pepsi bottles my bed they're probably just showing off of those coke bottles being like nah dude we're chilling yeah i didn't know they're pyramids were just covered with trash

Yeah, there's a city right outside of them. That kind of blew my mind. There's just like a bustling city right in the other side of them. Yeah, isn't there a Burger King right there? Yeah. It's like the pyramids. There's a BK next to the pyramids. The rest of it's just a litter box for camels and dogs. These were built by the Anunnaki.

Yeah, you want to hear a sick fucking fact about Taco Bell? You know how everyone's like, oh, that's dog food or whatever? Like the old fucking thing about that? Allegedly, it's just end of life cows. And that's how they get the deals. And that's where they get their meat. That's not good. You know what? You don't want to eat old people? Yeah. No, not at all. It could be the nicest thing you're doing. I don't even eat old fruit because it reminds me of old people. I go, ew.

I've also had, I haven't crushed a cheesy gordita crunch in a long time and I long for them. They're fucking good. Yeah. Shit. They're awesome. Taco Bell's very good night. They're made with disdain. Yeah. That night they're complete disdain. I ordered Taco Bell the other, like two weeks ago and it was wet.

It took seven hours to get there. It was soaked. What time was it? I got drenched bell, dude, for no reason. There's no reason for the bell to be wet. Yeah, there's nothing that gets me more angry than DoorDash just keeps going, sorry, we're running behind, and it's ours. They all taste your food, too. They just came out with an article about it. What? Yeah, they kind of made it like a cutie thing, like, oh, you know, like fucking 80% of the people that do DoorDash like to just do a little taste. They eat your food. Yeah.

i got my kitchen now so i'm just cooking up i got a good old people story that was making me laugh there was a lady that donated her body to science and nasa used her and they put her in a rocket her corpse and launched into space what she's on like a live feed and the kids saw it he'd bring it on a problem dead body get launched yeah are you kidding me yeah and i think it exploded which is sick she was like a stardust she yeah which is

Which they were upset. The family was upset. I was like, that'd be kind of the coolest way to go. It's how you return to God. It's like a first-class flight back to the fucking maker. Yeah, smash into the firmament.

True. You get to exit this fucking fallen world once and for all. Yeah, I'm not too fucking happy right now, honestly. Why? You're on top of the world. No, I'm just saying there's too much dumb shit going on. You have fur babies. Steve and Reggie are fucking, they're cool. But I'm just saying, I feel bad bringing Steve and Reggie into this world. Reggie Miller, Stevie Nicks. Greatest dogs ever.

what's got your goat what's got your goat right now all this i know something's coming down the line where they're going to do some sort of shooting or some some other thing's going to happen my other they just killed a crazy lady with a pot of water yeah i'm not too familiar with that case the one with the water i don't know about that i actually don't yeah neither does trump he's at the same thing i have no idea what the that is yeah they're going to start ramping

i've been up to police brutality that's coming i was see i saw a video today of a guy with like five cops on him they're coming out it's it was chill for a while now you know well it's yeah they're gonna of course they're gonna use it it's like it's kamala versus trump they're gonna use racism and sexism yeah yeah but you know well dude that's the thing too it's like i was watching uh i think dana white i think dana white there's yeah it is it's coming dana white was on what are we gonna do

Well, dude, they're like, we should... Yo, Matt, did you see that shit? What? White dudes for Harris shit? No, that's not real. Yeah, it's real. They went on a Zoom call. They were like, yeah. Matt was right now. Yeah, they're all, yes. Yes, though, bro. Fucking David Hogg's in it. You remember David Hogg? Who's David Hogg? He's from one of the shootings. Who's it? Parkland. Parkland shooting.

Oh, he's white. It's called white guys for Harris. They don't go. Because they had the big Lebowski kicking off like I'm a dude. I'm white. I'm a dude. How much money would it take for you to sit down on the zoom? Because I'm trying to figure out how the fuck these dudes wind up doing this. What's the minimum it would take for you to fucking sit down with the thing around you on zoom and talk about how much you like whatever president for fucking 15 minutes? I don't know.

I have no idea. I think it has to be a fucking, you have the rap sheet on you. Like you're Megan Thee Stallion. What's that? They got Megan, Megan Thee Stallion. I think that was a powerful performance saying it. That was the craziest shit I've ever seen. They were bragging about that on NCAAs out.

obviously i haven't watched anything i've literally been don't ask i've been gaming i'm the offensive coordinator at south florida really talking a little respect superweapons offensive coordinator at south florida go bulls can you like create your person yes do you scan your face no oh man that would no i just find a guy that looks like my puerto rican friend that

Wow, wow. He's just a coach. Wow, wow, Wes. Really? Ah, shit. Whatever. His email's getting edit. But yeah, that's been big for me. I don't know if you guys want to chat NCAA. I'd chat NCAA. That's good. I suck dickhead. That's good. When we played Madden, I just completely lost my mind.

uh I have to keep starting over Dynasty with Notre Dame and I won the title no you didn't pretty quickly so are you not happy with the result of the first like I don't like we it's I don't want it to be like that I want to work you know I need this is about hard work so South so small feet with uh Notre Dame though Notre Dame's pretty good Bill are they really yeah they're 90 overall man come on you know what they do every year though

You'd love them so much and they'd let you down. Yeah. All of our favorite teams do it. Why not us? Why not us? Just once. Yeah, just once. I've left like two games in the last few years saying that. Drunkenly actually going, just like, why can't we get one? Yes. Actually, both Ohio State games.

That was tough. I saw the end of that one year that hurt. That was crazy, man. I couldn't believe how hurt I was. And you were there. Yeah. Were you at the goal line stand or whatever it was? Yeah, I was up. Yeah. It was the most painful. What are you going to do? Yell at the guys? No, I still support the boys. You don't know how much this means to me. He's a 35-year-old supporter. Exactly. What the fuck are you losing that for?

it's a cool line stand no i drunkenly walked out of stadium more angry than i ever anticipated and ohio state when we went to ohio state no day lost i was like walking down the street be like yeah whatever losers you go to ohio state oh god

Never went to either school. I never went to Westchester. It was as embarrassing as it gets. Westchester alum going out, be like, whatever. Campus sucks. Go Rams. Ohio blows. It does. I drove through Ohio. That fucking state sucks to drive through. It does suck to drive through, but it's a good state. I mean, I respect Ohio residents. If you're an Ohio resident, I fucking respect you, man.

but I was shocked by, was it Wisconsin? What was that one? When it was all fucking Wisconsin. Yeah. That was crazy. How beautiful that was. Yeah. Wisconsin and Minnesota. They get a little, yeah, there was no, the corn wasn't, it's knee high by July. So we got through a little early. So it wasn't just all corn fields that we couldn't fucking see. So it was honestly pretty good. And the res smelled good as shit. Res smell like vanilla. Really? Yeah.

you looked it up it was like there's some clover they got that just smells of maze balls really I heard uh Idaho Idaho is apparently beautiful as well dude Ferris just out in yellowstone when that erupted

Yeah, dude one of his boys watching much Yellowstone lost his damn mind bought a ranch out there Fucking mistake that is now it's color for everybody man. I can get bit by the Yellowstone bug Yeah, but I mean I understand moving there but being like I'm gonna be a ranch hand. That's crazy. I'm gonna I'm gonna get a fucking cow

Yeah, hopefully hopefully I'm wishing him many cows dude. I'm wishing his uh as many oxen to be strong I would like to see Stevie and Stevie Nicks and Reggie Miller. Yeah, bring those guys out Those sickies Spud you might be the most interesting man in the world

What are the babes like in Egypt? Just curious. Oh, yeah. So they're pretty beat. But I heard that all the rich ones, I heard all the rich ones are like, you know, sequestered in art shows and like high class things. I'm like walking around with the regular people. I got like almost arrested for videotaping a chick.

she thought i was all i was being weird i was being weird uh yeah you're you're not no i was just videotape i was trying to get a sunset in a courtyard they have all these egyptian cops dude i don't think they're cops i think they're actually terrorists and that they are like lined up like i think that this is like another uh what was that square tehran square or whatever like i think they're just gearing up for another one of them arab springs

Really? This guy had no- he was- dude, he took my fucking phone. Look at him. A little Ewoks. Oh shit. Yeah, but Matt, the guy took my phone and he deleted my fucking footage. What the fuck? Damn, that's a good boy. Look at him, man. Which one's this? That's Stevie. This is Stevie Nicks. Yeah.

Yeah, dude, you don't see the liberal press putting that video out of you getting attacked by that fucking Egyptian cop anywhere. Some chick being like, why is he following me? I'm not following you. You're fucking 60. I'm just getting the sunset. Yeah, you're beat. You should be like, you're too beat to film. Yeah, she was beat. She said, you're a fucking four, bitch. So were they? I said it in the comments. Like, what's she saying? What's she saying? She's like, I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to him. Like, I was like, now she knows English. Yeah.

That's some fucking bullshit. So were they like stout workhorses? Are they like skinny ladies? Like what's going on? Well, a lot of them are burked up, but then the other ones are mostly workhorses. Oh, true. Yeah, they're burka girls. Burks are like just the hood, you know, just the hat part. Okay. What's the full thing called? Burka? Trash bag.

no the burka you're saying burke is just a hat yeah that's what you just said no no i'm just saying like there's a lot of them are just the head scarf but then there's also the birds yeah i don't know what just the head scarf is oh it's um i didn't learn a lot because nobody dude nobody fucking talked to me because a lot of them are just fucking kind of dickheads walking around like they're they don't want to fuck with me at all

Really? Yeah, you probably remind them of Ramsey's dude. They're like Bro, I get this in America. So it just be treated like shit. That sucks. That's a matter Billy was like fucking Yeah, Bill was like, ah, dude Kirk has this like yeah, I'm not Kirk has you don't not some fucking German Chad walking around the world South Africa. Yeah, whatever Yeah, that happened to me. Why I

My boy went to Germany first and he was like, dude, Europeans love Americans. Get ready. When I was going to Spain, I was like, sick. It's called the halo effect. Good looking people can go wherever the fuck they want. Yeah. I was like, dude, if I spoke Spanish, you guys would think I was cool and funny. No.

But without talking, people thought I was mentally challenged. I thought you meant some mutants. Told you they're good fucking hounds, bro. They're great hounds. They just never listen to you. They just chill that hard? They literally just sit on my lap. It's great. He loves a nice chill session. This is like when you look at them and you're like, that's a pet. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like Matt met my dog. My dog was like a pain in the ass. Yeah. This is a pet. Ooh. Yeah, this is just nothing but enjoyment. He's never said hello. He's never said hello.

and I'm pissed. He's going to say hello. You know we can't bond like this. Stevie, do not piss on the love sack. Yeah, lay down, brother.

How much they don't piss that much though, right? It was all done. No, Chloe's dude. They do. Chloe fucking pissed in our closet the other day. Your daughter? Yeah, she just went into our closet and squatted down behind all Brittany's clothes and just pissed everywhere. Man, when I was a kid, I used to piss in people's basements, dude. I used to piss all over the place, bro. I actually got like kicked out of some lady's house like for good because I was pissing with her daughter. It was fucking weird.

I'm still stuck on that's normal raw dog in a flight from Egypt to yeah I don't think we're giving this enough headphones they they do the plane Egypt there I'm not knocking it but it's like it taking a time portal you can watch the Egypt there safety instruction video it's hilarious um they're you know the planes like from like the early 2000s or late 90s so it's a whole nother world like

That's unmatched on comfort. I sat in like a Chinatown bus. That's what the same fabric is on the seats. It's the same seats. Fuck. Yeah. I got on the plane and I was like, I made a big mistake. What were the names of the headphones you had?

I didn't have it. Oh, no, I had Hyper Gear Sport 2. The person who made them probably jumped after making them. This is what I was made of, Bill. What? You being a fucking weirdo with two dogs. They're my friends.

There's fur babies, dude. I can't let them piss in my fucking head. They're so cute. Reggie. They're so, dude, those things are awesome. It's fucked up. Reggie's so chill. God, I'd love to see your stress. They're hedgehogs. They're like hedgehogs when they lay like that. Yeah, they don't look fucking real. One looks like Rocket from fucking Guardians. They're going to lose their puppy hair, though, and then they're going to look like little rats, and then they're going to get their regular hair. Yeah, they get their fucking adult coat. Oh, really? Yeah, Shane, can you believe it? One of them calls more than me.

For adoption. One of them cost more than me, dude. We did the math. With inflation. I feel like, personally, Matt, I feel like I've earned more money than this thing will earn. Like, I earned my place. But, yeah, from out the gate,

equal yeah although Billy can start up a cute Instagram if you start up a cute Instagram I need to see you shirtless with those boys laying on the ground unimpressive I'd love to see it weird I would pay for it yeah actually how much money you can just start one of just them dude you can start one of just them now then you can do like a separate like goatsy thing or whatever

I'm not like the asshole that's getting here. Relax. You're in a hotel room. You're feeling devious. I get it, but not in front of the door. I'm fucking wow. Not in front of Stevie. My bad. Not in front of Stevie Reggie. You beat off already. How long have you been in here? I just got here. Show that chart again. Show that chart again. I just fucking got here, bro. There was a dip before the dip with us. Nothing more shameful than an Apple Watch. Let the record state that I just, I have text record. I just got...

The room was just available for me, but I'll show you my dip again. I mean, maybe we'll see how my we'll see how I've been reacting to this whole smart. It's smart to keep it on the left. Yeah. Yeah. You guys guys got me all fucking stressed the fuck out there. No, I'm just engaged. I'm just I'm just engaged right now. It's no big deal. Did you have to get little dogs because you're scared because your dog build? No, no, nothing like that. We already talked about this last week. Wait, why are you dog build? So I'll fucking chick bang a dog when I was in sixth grade with

Oh, fuck. Ew. Nah, Reggie would never pipe my girlfriend. Reggie might pipe. Reggie's penis is wee, bro. Yeah. His or his wee. He's got a nub, dude. It's like an Audi belly button. He might have. It's only going to get bigger. It's only going to get bigger. It's only up from here. I know. It might get fat, too. He could have a wad on him. Shit.

Mean Matt has Jack's Jackson takes huge. Yeah, Jackson deviant. He was like sucking Zeus's dick and shit Yeah, own dick is like a human dick. Yeah, dude. I actually thought about that Andrew I was like dude your dog might have blew out my dogs ACL. It might have weakened it Use would like ruthlessly hump for a second on my damn do Zeus definitely blew out Jackson's knee They had real at least like fucked it up a little bit. It's something special. Oh

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Also, I will be in San Jose. It might be too late by the time you see this, but I'll be there this weekend, August 1st through 3rd, the San Jose Improv. Please come to that. And a couple of big ones, Tyson's Hall in Virginia. I'm going to need people to come out there. Pretty please. It's a big old theater. And also Town Hall in New York City. Go to that. I'll be in a bunch of other places. Go to mattmcusker.com slash dates. Also, shanemgillis.com slash dates.

Click on the live link for all of his tickets. He'll be all over the place. Check out Sean Gardini, LeMare Lee, and all the other motherfuckers you even think about. Just go have fun, dude. Do your fucking thing, dude. All right? Love you guys. Dude, released a turtle yesterday.

What do you mean? It was, we, I, me and Maya found a turtle, like a tiny dude, for real. Like it was like this big, a little like water turtle. Damn. Brought it home for a couple of days. And it dude, turtles are disgusting by the way. Yeah, they are. I would come out the next day. Dude, they take the most, they take the biggest shits. Like all the food, all the food I would throw into its tank. It would just turn into just like crap. It was disgusting. After like three days, I was like, what was the name? Miami.

uh rainbow slow bug yeah you never told me that so when you texted me we just released rainbow slow bug I was like dude that must be an autocorrect out of his mind I thought I told you we had a turtle

I thought I told you we had a turtle. You told me. I never knew it was Rainbow Slowbug. Yeah, Rainbow. I gave Maya two seconds. I was like, what do you want to name him? Dude, literally, Rainbow Slowbug. And I was like, wow, that's... It's actually a great name. That's a pretty fucking good name. I had to name your next special. I might, dude. Take all the thought out of it. I mean, that's a good one. I might just do Rainbow Slowbug. Yeah, I would take that. Rainbow Slowbug is nice. We released something. It was like...

It was like out of like an animal movie. We put him in the thing. He just, he was so happy. He ran into the, it's like a little like rocky waterfall looking thing. Jumped off that into the water or like kind of fell off really. Went under the water like, damn, that's just it. He's gone. Dude, like a minute later, pops his head back up right near us. Just looking at us. I'm like, man, this is the best thing ever. Did you watch the boy in the heron? What's that? Oh, dude.

What you're talking about just reminds me of the fucking Boy in the Herring cartoon Billy made me watch. Anime. Yeah. Oh, dude, you got some good anime. Tony, Steins Gate, dude. If you're watching anime, please watch Steins Gate. I tried to turn him on today. Yeah, he didn't like it. I was too confused. That's about it. Shit, dude, right now I've forced my kids to watch Pokemon with me from the beginning. It's so good. It's pretty exciting. Are you making it? Yeah, they love it. Thank God. It's so good.

Dude, I'm on like episode nine right now. It is kind of fucked up though. They're just like finding animals and make them fight each other. You have to beat the shit out of an animal and then you get to capture it and just make it fight other animals. And dude, one of the dude, remember Brock? Yeah. Brock punches Misty in the head twice. Different culture. Dude, for real. Let's find these dudes.

Yeah, he fucking smacks the shit out of Misty in like the seventh episode twice. Just bops her on the head for talking shit. I was like, all right. I lost my voice when I got a holographic Charizard. The 7-Eleven on 202 and Fed brought me there. Dude, they had him just sitting there at the front. You could roll in and grab one. I grabbed one, got a holographic Charizard, lost my fucking mind. You sorry? The movie's sick, bro. It's probably worth something if you had it. Bro, it's gone now. What happened to it? I have no idea.

Shit, it's probably gone with my King review junior rookie card. You had one. Yeah, dude I got like the whole year

mm-hmm no i just got a whole year's worth of baseball cards one time for christmas and i remember tom was like yo that's ken griffey jr's uh rookie year found it put it in the hard case but i couldn't help it dude i had to take it out of the hard case just fondle i would just fondle the car i would just bundle the car get your grease all over bend the out of every corner every corner

They got out you we got to put it right back in afterwards, but I'm gonna take it out this car It's in mint right now. It's mint and I gotta pop it out like ten people hold it get all fucked up Magazines that had the what they're worth. Oh, I was on that Mickey Mantle rookie card the Beckett Yeah, which one's Beckett? I think that was the name of the magazine. Yeah. Yeah, there's like a card Jordan rookie card. We're fucking high dollar items. Oh

i what do they go for now because there are guys like this are they like i thought people had a resurgence and i had some weird like right around cover they had their weird resurgence oh you i remember thinking like i had cards and i had the ones that just slipped in and i went to some dude's house and he had the one with screws and i was like what the bro oh the ones where you can close it completely like close with the screws yeah were you a card oh yeah i don't i had some cards anything worth anything

Let's talk about it off camera. I don't have anything. Cal Ripken rookie guard. I definitely had some Ripken. That was my that was my era. Yeah, it's something we have because it came out those stupid ass jersey cards. This is in game one jersey by LeBron James.

that was all boost corners which you can't go to anymore that guy why can't you get a boost corner oh there's a pedo pedophile there's a pet there's a pet abuse corner we heard it here first yeah some dude at booze corners a place down near near my parents like it was like a shoe place or some this dude brought his daughter and the guy who runs it grabbed the girls pigtails at all look they're handlebars and the guy was just like what the dude and i think he said it was a big misunderstanding but i mean that's a mess

That's a huge miss. If he was legitimately kidding. They are like handlebars, aren't they? Or you're a complete pedophile. Or if you're just thinking like a bike, like bike handlebars. Yeah, exactly. He might have missed. I like to look for the good in people. That's what I told Tom. I was like, dude, it might just be the fucking dude that was making a bike check. Yeah, true. Yeah, do you really think some dude would grab

Some of the daughters and be like yo I could grip these and just fuck like it's like there's no way the kind of kind of makes me the still Facebook moms a little too early. No, I kind of makes me think the mom might be a little too early Yeah, what are you talking about? I really fucking would know I heard he's weird with measuring feet. Oh, really? What do you mean? What's he doing feet? I just heard he's weird about it. We gotta measure the feet. Oh

Well, they sound the same. Hold on. Is this the same guy? Yeah. Are we sure he's not like kind of just a little slow? Yeah, he might just be a slow... That's what I'm saying. He might be a slow shoe guy. He's a normal dude. Every...

Reputable shoe salesman. Is he talking about stepping on that like shoe chart? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's normal, bro. I hear you. I'm not trying to find this shit in the weeds, dude. There's dudes out there. What's the guy's name? I was asking you to try to get him on the cast. The guy that got the fucking. Oh, did you see that guy? Rose Alex Rosen. Hold on. No, this guy fucking just killed himself.

because they caught him on a telegram with infant porn yeah they went up infants man they interviewed the dude alex rosen interviews the guy and he's like dude like what's going on he's like yeah it's just like mainly like like people coming on kids like babies holy shit they say he walks in the house and five minutes later lead bullet cops have to break the door and go get him

I'm surprised it's not every one of those dudes get caught on YouTube. Like you're trying to meet a 13 year old girl. You told her to put a hairbrush over vagina. Every single one of those dudes, the fact that they're alive, it was my fucking mind.

And when they argued, it's nuts, dude. Yeah, they're like, exactly. So when the fuck are you talking to me for? Every time. I didn't know she was fucking 13. Oh, yeah. Trying to run through a fucking Walmart. Well, that dude, he must have been a football player. He's humongous. He's humongous. Yeah, he's a fucking beast.

Dude, that would be a good prank, like a punk show where you just find somebody at a Walmart and you're like, yo, you were talking to a 13-year-old girl and you just chase them around the store. And at the end, you catch them and you're like, yo, here's $500, just a prank. You're definitely not a pedophile. Dude, I got in a pop squad. Shove them around.

Oh, my God. Yeah, I saw a dude that they wrongly accused of this, and he had just gotten out of jail, and he was like, what are you saying to me? And, like, they tracked the wrong phone. He was just close to the guy they were trying to find in Walmart, dude. It doesn't go well. That's not a good prank, is all I'm saying.

I would try to find like two of the biggest guys I would get to you armed man that would just hold you at gunpoint being like you're trying to fuck kids this guy's The guy that made space jam they got his ass yep, I've seen that space jam of course The guy that made the guy then paid space jam was trying to eat what he take a 15 year old out for pizza Yeah, some while I just like took this girl for pizza. Yeah, what are you doing here? He's like eating pizza

What do you mean? Just how to eat pizza. Yeah, they fucked him up. Vitaly? You know Vitaly? No. He's like a right. It was Vitaly, the bodybuilder, podcaster dude, Bradley Martin, fucking sat down next to him. I was like, dude, what the fuck are you doing? He's like, just eating pizza. What the fuck does it look like? And it's like, dude, it's in the middle of the restaurant. I would have like a fucking, what's that movie I just fucked up? It's not I Am Sam. It's the other one.

Rayman freak out going on the plane. If you bust me of that, I just started smacking my face and go, I would claim insanity. Raymond doesn't like the bathtub. Yeah.

wapner wapner's on yeah he wasn't he wasn't like surprised he was like what do you he was kind of just like it was like a disturbance to him yeah what do you like if i came up but you were talking like a hot chick at the bar i was like yo matt like how's your girlfriend like it was like that kind of face where it's like yeah dude you're kind of blowing up my smile right now i have a fucking super hot 15 year old next to me right now

to catch a predator. What? When they're just like, what are you doing? And they're like, what the fuck does it look like? Clearly trying to get a girl. I'm about to have sex. Get the fuck out of here.

that's the one they don't know the rules obviously that is kind of up for indians the fact they just come over here and some chicks like completely legal in their country let's go dude jackpot yeah me i watched uh speaking of killing yourself i watched you ever see that bernie madoff movie they made with de niro yeah it's great i watched it it's great but uh there's a part where

Bernie Madoff and his wife try to kill themselves because they're going to go to... They take a ton of Ambien and all he does is hallucinate. He doesn't kill himself. He just wakes up and like...

Probably. He took enough. Yeah. But he took, they must've taken like two. These fucking idiots. They're like, well, we had a good life. Just real grub. He just has a hallucination where he's talking to his sons and they show, they show the real footage. They're not the real footage, obviously, but they show not in his hallucination. It's just a guy sitting on a couch. Like I love you guys.

0 : De Niro is great, but he just does that weird shit 0 : With fucking Trump. There's fucking political stuff. Yeah. Trump thinks he's a tough guy. I'll fucking punch him. You're you'll get hurt if you get an altercation with anybody. Pretty sure you think you're a tough guy. You're like victim number one in the knockout game. Biden, Biden hit Trump with the tough guy. Talk to, but I didn't try to hit Trump with a behind the wood. 0 : That was jet lag. Dude. He tried to play that golf shit on Trump. I watched Trump and uh,

Is it Kapska? Was it Capco or DeChambeau? DeChambeau. DeChambeau is good. Holy fuck. Trump's good at golf, bro. That was the oldest I've seen him look, though. That was, of course, he's old. But when you see him in that, you're like, damn, this guy's gized up. But then he launches those. He launches the ball. Dude, he's 80. Same drive as Bill. Yeah.

It's really absurd, dude. Yeah, Bill just got a lesson, got up to 280. No, 265 or what was it? Like 265, I think. It was my longest one. I would like to know who's Trump's, whoever decided to put him in the Atlanta Black Women's Journalist Convention. He went. Well, dude, think about that when he said she was supposed to be there.

Oh, really? Yeah. You're talking about. Let's go. No, the one where he's talking about her being Indian. Yeah, that's it. No, that was Chicago, wasn't it? I thought it was Chicago. Yeah. No, no, no. Atlanta's the thing. Megan Thee Stallion concert that people stayed afterwards. Yeah, dude, she was supposed to be there. I told Bill this. We were driving. Obviously, me and Bill watched it live. We were driving, and it was like they said that she was supposed to be there. Then they were late, and I think they were trying to get Trump to walk out on it.

And then Trump walked out on them. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's kind of damned if you do. If he turned it down, they'd be like, he won't even come talk to us. He had to do it. He had to go do it. And dude, I'm telling you, I always saw a little bit of it. Yeah, but if you turn down the Association of Black Journalists, they'll fucking spin that and be like, he refused. Yeah, he did last time.

oh he didn't do it last time no and then he went this time because kamala's supposed to come then kamal fucking i think he went because he talked to that one chick the day he got shot yeah he did the one uh girl interviewing him dude the best in the rnc is last his first uh thing in the rnc he's like this is the only time i'm going to talk about it yeah he was in harrisburg last night he goes that guy was there when i got shot too this is the way you put the teleprompter on brought her off stage three times remember when he was like i'm gonna marry that teleprompter yeah yeah yeah

Did you see when he was golfing? That was my favorite part, dude. I want to thank Hulk Hogan. He killed it tonight. Dana White, he was on vacation. I'm not even going to tell you where he was. It was sick. Baron. We love Baron. Everybody loves Baron. He's a good boy. He's a tall boy. He is a tall boy.

it's the same it's the same pr that was against me in high school is doing this right now yeah this the whole weird they're weird yeah

i live already i know this isn't a real thing you're a creepy guy yeah you're you're weirdo you're creepy makes no sense they're trying to hit the dudes where it hurts bro jd vince wearing eyeliner that's weird maybe i'm weird we're all the bums yes he created the bums they created me i'm going back to kensington where the vampires

this is home of the vamps this is vamp city look at this you're so jealous yeah i do like those dogs they're great it's all day just i'm proud i'm just afraid that they're gonna be dogs that constantly bark and you're gonna be a weird guy train them that's what i'm saying these dogs never bark i'm just i fear that that's a dangerous future you're messing with something this is serious dude you gotta train those

Put the task in front of me. I will complete it. You need a video podcast? No problem. I'll put the video podcast ad on. True. It's recording right now. It's been recording the whole time. I hope it's been recording. No, Zoom's capturing everything. At least you'll have this split-screen gallery view. No problem. Are you not entertained? Don't get me started on two. Bill, you can get those. Ice Spice. We need Ice Spice in Gladiator. I know.

They're trying to hit her with downs. So what? Come on, dude. I don't know. They just sound like mosaic.

Don't know. I don't know the types, but they're just trying to probably probably down ass bitch, dude The minute you get delts dude, I'm putting the drug test on the table We don't but the minute I get down so I don't have delts the fucking I'm talking about cannons, bro

Or delts on the top or what? I took like two weeks off of training, bro. I'm about to re-enter. I know. The picture of you jacked is...

That was a camera distortion. That was a camera distortion. Last time we did the podcast, Matt was flexing and it's comical. Are you serious? I'm telling you. It is what it is. Is that a filter? No. I think Matt's getting saline shots.

I'm not, dude. I think you're getting saline shots. That's just spinach. That's a Popeye, bro. Dude, it's just, I'm telling you. I'm lifting, sure, the veggies are helping, all my minerals, dude. I'm constantly, I have two kids, dude. Imagine if you're just carrying around like fucking 60 pounds all the time. Hey, Matt, you don't have to hit me below the belt like that, bro.

Yeah, dude, we're all fucking childless cat women. I'm just saying, you get pumped up. Imagine I have two kids. All right, I'll do that for fucking four hours. I'll do that for a 12-hour flight. Until these doze-nuckies are gone. You can have kids, dude. I think Steve and Reggie might be a pound each.

Yeah, they're they're wheeling their kids. They're not the real ones for babies or practice better practice babies. Reggie hates me. You know, it's crazy is how light it is and how expensive it is because I was born 10 pounds. Yeah. So I'm like 10 of that. Ah, fuck. Yeah. The price per pound is way off. Yeah. So technically you're a way price per year is like I'm way cheaper. I'm a good deal to get that baloney price.

Scrapple, baby. Did you see when Trump was on the golf cart talking shit on Kamala like weeks and weeks ago? Oh, yeah, yeah. They're going to run her and he's like, she's so fucking bad. She's so fucking pathetic. She's so bad. It's fucking pathetic.

he probably believes that she's i mean dude she is pretty bad she's a uh like no one's ever liked her now they're gonna try to steal an election be like oh no she's actually super popular they would have her and have her and hillary clinton ever been seen in the same place no i mean bill played the code the code switching thing the code switching and uh what do you call it people are saying that's just normal you just do that in general we gonna win in 2024. yeah

Well, dude, apparently she graduated. I think she went to historically. Yeah. And I think during Howard, she decided like, you know what? I'm black. I'm going. She made the conscious decision to identify as black. Okay. There's nothing weird about that. There's nothing weird about growing up Indian and being like, you know what I'm going to be now.

A lot of white kids do it in the suburbs for like four years. Yeah, I really don't. Maybe she'll start skating next. She might be a skater next year. She could skate up. What if she's just following your trajectory? What if she comes out? She does this fucking speech in the red glasses and the auras. It'd be fucking crazy. I'd be pissed. If she was copying me, I'd be pissed. Come on, Mike. Swagger jacking. Man, I'm not asking for a peek, but do you have abs?

No, no. No? All right. Not yet. I think I had a couple, but again, right now it's not about aesthetics. It's just about performance right now. It's just bulk. It's functional. It's functional, yes. It's strictly functional, dude. I mean, obviously, I got my cardio down seven years. I'm just trying to get everything else in order. And you're natty.

Natty, I swear to God. People are trying to say I'm chewing gum too hard, so therefore I'm not Natty. It's like, dude, I am telling you I'm Natty. I will submit for a test. I mean, obviously there is the Natty spectrum, as we all know. Yeah. But I'm 100% Natty. This is just spinach. This is just veggies. Vitamins. I think vitamins, veggies. You're Jose, bro.

It's Jose. Conseco. No, dude. No, I'm not, dude. I'm telling you, bro. I submit for a Sarah of podcasting where all the top podcasters do steroids.

I'm going to break the glass. You need to become the Barry Bonds. Barry Bonds is huge. I saw Aaron Judge. That picture of you two is insane. Who is that guy? He's the best...

He's probably the best player in baseball. I had a feeling he was like the man. It's like he had a Super Mario fucking mushroom. He's not like weird, big looking. He is a normal looking dude that's just way bigger than you. Giant. This is fake, dude. Someone edited this. Yeah, that was the most nervous I've been meeting someone. I couldn't believe how starstruck I was. How old is he?

uh 30. holy that's a dude he saw me during batting practice was like sup i'm coming over there and i was like oh he's gonna come over here i said joked and then he came over and i was like

How are you? He goes, what are you doing hot back there? I was like, wow, that was pretty cool. That was crazy. You ever see the Kyle Mooney shit? It was so bad. You ever see the Kyle Mooney stuff? That's exactly what I was doing. What are you going to do when the champions come?

You hit a big, everyone loves it when he's the big long shot out there. Hold on. He's the current Derek Jeter, basically. He's like the biggest baseball player in the MLB. Home run leader. He's the greatest. He's a mutant, dude. Yeah, he's big as fuck. Look at Shane's Instagram. Is it on your Instagram? Yeah, the guy's enormous. I saw the pic. I said, God damn, who the fuck? For a second, I went, that's not Derek Jeter, is it? Dude, Reggie shit on the foot yesterday.

You're standing? Yes. On equal ground? Yes. Holy. That's a massive man. I was being full nervous spazzing. I don't know why I was like, he was like, so what's going on? I was like,

Nothing Fucking doing bullshit. I literally asked him. How are you? Yeah about the player fucking that was a great. Oh, yeah, it's like how are you doing? You're big dude you hit like a 500-foot home run No, I couldn't talk

I've done. This is the second second and a half spaz I've had. What was that one? Steph Curry was a complete spaz. Hi, I'm Shane Gillis. You might have seen me on Saturday night. Michael Phelps was a full spaz. Dude, I saw him hit a putt when he was learning how to play golf from 160 feet. He's not human. No, he's an alien. Phelps? Yeah.

My dad was a beast. I didn't think I'd be that excited to meet that guy. He and I didn't meet him. I was just he flew next to me on a plane. That was raw dog. I was dumb. I wasn't listening to music. I'm blacked out of my music. Just sitting there. Fuck this Michael Phelps. I don't know why. So cool, though, bro. Yeah, dude is the man. What would you do if he passed you the grab bomb?

I would smash the bong. The biggest anxiety attack in the world. On a plane. That probably wasn't even Michael Phelps. What the fuck? It's just a tall guy. It's just a guy. Did you say hi? Yeah.

Yeah, briefly. Literally full spaz. Yeah. I don't think he knew who I was. I was just like, I was a Duke big fan, man. I walked as fast as I could away from him. Just looking for your handler. That was another, like when Gabe gave me his jersey, this was another full one of those. Aaron Judge gave me his bat and I was just like,

Everyone watching was like, yeah, I literally look like a special needs guy. You rose it over your head. Yeah, I held it. I was like, you just got to start saying hi to everyone with I'm Shane Gillis. I didn't know what to say. Hi, I'm Shane.

You got to work on an approach. He hit me with a truck. Yeah. Hey, what are you doing hiding back there? Nothing. For real. I was like, this is what the fuck you talking to me for? This is me, the come of Whitaker. I didn't know I had that spaz in me. That's great. I mean, what the fuck? That dude is a fucking big person. Yeah. I was like fucking phased by how big that dude was. It was very uncomfortable. Yeah, obviously. Paul's a big guy.

That's like me with everyone else. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah, that's how I hold it down with like cashiers and shit. I'm like, oh,

Hope your day goes well. Okay. Yeah, every time we go to the gym, enjoy your workout, you too. That's a new PR, though. That's a PR. What? You hit the fucking, yeah, you too. I guarantee you're benching fucking 350. I'm a fucking loser. Enjoy your workout. I hate you two constantly.

Yep. I do it all to have a safe flight. And then I correct that. I go, or, uh,

Yeah, just never mind. Have a good day. Yeah, that's why I got a smoothie the other day and she was like, enjoy it. I was like, thanks, you too. And then I let her just out loud. I was like, I have no idea why I said that. That's even crazy. I know. I was like, that's retarded. To correct it is out of control. Not the right thing to say. Well, you're not going to have a smoothie. All right, I have to leave. Yeah. Well, you think it's going to come off smooth. Like, that was a simple brain fart on my end, but I'll be like, I didn't mean to say that to you. You just got to look at it and just swallow. Yeah, sure.

or just beasted honestly true or just be like you too next time you fly next time you have a workout you probably tear it up in here at night there is there is a steward you go you too those are handlebars all right gotta go he definitely had to swallow after oh my god these are these are like handlebars

Just fuck. On a bike. How old is the dude? How old's the... He's a geezer. He's a geezer. Yeah, he's a geezer, bro. That's why I was like kind of being... I was trying to understand Tom. I was like, dude, it might not be that bad. That's why I said if it is, it's the ultimate L. If he's a geezer, he does not know about grabbing pigtails and doing back shots, dude. Meanwhile, I'm about to smell some hair and you guys scream, dude. You...

He's been doing shower with his daughter and you know that yeah, no, I don't know It's in her diary. Yeah, she finds a laptop from hell. They had that thing ready to go and come on How old was she though? 13 or like wait, that's not good. That's not good So you can get you can catch like an outdoor beach shower with like a two-year-old, but yeah, definitely not

All right. I'm just, you know, trying to make sure. I thought you said beach shower. I was like, bro. No, no, no. Beach. Beach. Shoot yourself in San Jose. Outdoor beach shower. That was so, that dude explaining, like he made him explain the porn and it was just like. Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, imagine if you just got, not even child porn, if you just got like done jerking off to something that was like a fucking 30 minute session and by the end of it, you're just

What the fuck was I watching some dude knocks a door like why were you on that website watching it? I don't know Yeah, it's boys. Oh Reggie Miller just not right caught a caught a horse lunch You were thinking of your worst vid and you came down with him with all your force. Yes. Yes your dog build Please don't beat them up. They're too small. I can't I

They fucking piss and shit in the house. I'm just like the Arthur fist. I go come here After dumps not after they take a shit in the right place. Oh, yeah, I got him sitting Spin I got it Turn this into a dog. I wish you the dog. You just got punch these little TV's up. He's got rocked bro They're like little sphinxes. It was like that

reggie's been tired as hell how nice is it sleeping in bed with them they don't sleep in bed with me what they're too little i'll kill them i'll be like christopher moltisanti i mean you kill your girlfriend yeah you've been choking on your girlfriend yeah it's crazy yeah that's good practice though i'm fighting someone i wake up and i'm like this like dark fader yeah it's crazy i don't know i mean there's going on in the astral plane that i can't wait physically doing that yeah grounder even invadering her imagine if i went to war dude how bad i'd be

That's why you're here with the pupperinos. It's fucking nuts, yeah. It's only happened fucking three times. I wake up three times. It's only happened three times that I've strangled my girlfriend. Yeah, it's fucking crazy. I have a dream that I'm fighting someone and the one time I just had a full-blown headlock. I was like, oh shit, my bad.

you saw half of what i saw you'd understand i think we've talked about i one time i had hopped in bed with my ex-girlfriend i was like move over and i shoved her she was drunk and not asleep and i put her she was like oh i was like oh my bad yeah oh yes

yes yes Matt what time what time's your big show uh I think probably like 7 30. I got I'm on the West Coast right now so I got time I got three hours what the hell are you gonna do in the meantime

Probably nap honestly, dude. I'll probably get some more Jack it off in that hotel, bro. I bro I'll nap on IG live nap on IG live and show Bro, I'm telling you I I think I might have ever since I talked to the penis guy I I've found once since that episode no lie, bro. I

It comes for you in the fucking hotel room. The hotel room. Well, after the show, especially because you're all ramped up and it's the only thing, dude. It's the only thing they can put you down. The rings are on the other hand, right? Yeah. The rings are on the other hand. It's my tongue ring, baby. So you're saving that. You're saving that for after the show. That's a little more. I'm going to do my best, but I'm telling you, man, I've not been. I haven't been fat. You're going to reward yourself after a good show.

Mostly man, I mean, I don't know so bright especially now that you're jacked. That's gonna be a fucking intense beat So crazy, so you're doing Jack stand up doing Jack stand up, dude. I got a couch I got a couch in the room not bragging. I got a fucking couch here. I'm my couch, bro So what that's what they are is that for holding the cancer hole in the case for the fucking husband? Is ass with cocking dude the cut couch? I swear to God fucks the point of that. I

It's a, I don't know, just in case I want to watch TV on the couch. You know, instead of a, you don't want to lay down in bed and watch TV. You want to sit up. I'll fucking burn my ham sandwich. I might slide between the cushions. I might slide between the cushions and I should treat myself. You should take a little test drive in honor of the VP. Why ain't I? That's true. You can go. This guy's giving us some decent ideas. This is good. I like what's on his agenda. What? What?

Step one introducing latex glove with petroleum jelly and I'm fucking couch. This guy's got some ideas Get him in the white house. Let's go see Jim read his book. He'll Billy ology. No, no the libs hate it. You could see you like yourself

I don't know. I think it's just probably the lighting. My lips are just probably rosy. I don't know. I don't know, bro. It's a side effect from tea. It's not tea. I'm not breaking out. I'm not taking tea. I'm going to smash the glass on that probably years from now. Right now, bro. I don't need tea. This is the greatest era of podcasting of all time, dude. You guys are all doing it. I'm not doing tea. I'm doing earrings with you guys on it. Shane knew.

I'll never say. I'd be curious what my T levels are, though. I don't know. I go back and forth. This is how it starts. I'm not on T. I'm not worried. I'm just going to find out. I'm not worried about my T, dude. I'm happy with everything, dude. I don't want to go on that stuff. I can't even drink coffee, dude. I'm not going to be able to take testosterone. This is what Lance Armstrong said, too. What did he say? I didn't drink coffee. Lance Armstrong's a psycho.

Did you watch that fucking 30 for 30 thing? Yeah, he kind of rules. Yeah. Chad Mountain rules. He rules. Chad Mountain. I don't know Chad Mountain. Oh, yeah. I know Chad Mountain. I know him personally. Do you really? Yes. Holy fuck. It's the greatest name ever. Wait, so it's Lance Armstrong and Chad Mountain are boys? They're boys. Lance was a main. Chad was at, were you at the Netflix tires thing we did?

Yeah. Chad was with us. Oh, nice. Yeah. Chad Mountain. Chad Mountain's a bro. I would have liked a heads up if I was in the presence of Chad Mountain. Think your car's okay? No, I guarantee my car is fucked. Dude, look how small they are. Hopefully the camera picks this up. Damn.

Oh, straight to the pad. Yeah. Well, you better treat them. You better reward them. Oh, he's fucking scared. Oh, he's scared of the court. It's a fucking bottle cap. Well, that should probably. Yeah. Just watching dogs.

Never mind. Is he peeing off the pad? Edit that out. What's that? What? Yeah, the other dog is. Oh, good job, Stevie. Yeah, that's a piss, dude. Look at that. Did he pee off the pad? That's a hedgehog, bro. No pee. No pee. We're good. That's good. That's good. That's good. Yeah, you don't want that shit on your dogs, bro. You don't want to have them peeing on camera like that off the pad. Well trained.

Does Reggie do the leg up? No, doesn't let his leg. Thank God. It takes him a while to do that. He's not going to do that for a little bit. Don't get a deuce in right now. He's taking a shit. Stevie's a fecal freak. She'll get the deuce. Reggie's thinking about something. Reggie.

You're just pissing. You better treat them. You better treat them immediately. You have piss dogs that are loud. I'm telling you right now, this is going to be, these dogs are going to harsh the vibe.

Yeah, P.R.M. or what? He's got a nice penis. Huge pubes. Just one long fucking hair. You got to shave his bush so it looks bigger. What's with that one long hair thing? It's just a long ass hair on his dick. I don't want to sit on his dick. I don't want to fuck with his dick. Just the hair part. I got cert. I'm not trying to do that to my boy. Just let him do it.

Is it at the biggest? There you go, dude. Did we talk about the Shaytards last time? What's a Shaytards? I didn't talk about that. No. Some family of YouTubers that I just found out about that is they were huge. They were like it was like a family of Mormons. And I think his name is Shay or his last name is. And then he called all of his family.

the tards he had mommy Tard baby Tard son and he did a daily vlog about every day he was like one of the first are these one of the people that got in trouble for like hurting he got in trouble for

he was i don't think i don't know if he actually cheated but he was like sexting oh with like a cam girl as you do and then all these youtubers i think i caught whacking off and she definitely released his texts oh my god but oh that's hard files it's hard it's hard yeah she was like it's hard gate

The Tard family is the funniest possible name. His daughter was Princess Tard. His son was Suntard, Rock Tard, Mommy Tard. So this was a dad that did this? And he vlogged every day. He vlogged every birth.

Jesus Christ. Yeah, it was. What the? Where'd you hear about these guys? They're just on YouTube. They're like the most famous. They signed a thing with Disney for like $500 million. Holy shit. Disney signed the Tard family? Disney signed the Tard family. Jesus Christ. What the fuck? All these YouTubers are getting in trouble. You see Mr. Beast, Matt? Mr. Beast. Was it Mr. Beast or his right hand? They got caught pedaling. Mr. Beast. The Shaytards. They're called the Shaytards.

is it like play on retards or is it definitely he tried to say he tried he came out later and said it was he was a wrestler he was a wrestler so he said it was about his unitard okay that's he yeah it's uh my unitard the shaytards yeah that's pretty that's uh the first family of YouTube

and then he got busted for sexting webcam sex and red star rocked hard mommy tard that's just slowly actually out of live jasmine right now what a piece of never mind the token noise in the background brother are you gonna hit it or no what are you gonna hit porn or no a fat nap no i mean i i are you no i don't know are you still this way i don't think

No, I'm not even like really thinking about it that much, but I uh, I'd say jerk off every day. No, I'm dead serious I haven't been Yeah, 500 million to Disney holy shit Founded a studio with some friends and they sold it to Walt Disney for 500 million dollars in 2014 Then he got caught whacking off. I think in like a tent I mean, I don't think I can take it away. I don't know. I

Yeah, the Tard's got 500 mil. The Tard's got 500 mil. The Tard's got 500 mil. He was probably a token lord, dude.

Imagine coming to the kid imagine coming to the cam girls with 500 a bank of 500 milli dude and one of those nasty girls fucking puts you Texts out. Yeah having a hunter did yeah could be anyone join 188 What was he doing he's got a pride parades an F2M Transsexual friend that released ten years of emails damn

Was he being sexual with you? No, just being like I hate Trump. He's a racist whatever Trump doesn't say that when they're around Fucking Well, yeah true he's such a fucking pig How much money you want to bet that your car is absolutely fine?

nothing okay yeah I mean save neighborhood check check your uh zip code right now I literally parked next to a pile of stuffed animals where someone got shot and never forget don't say actually don't say yeah I can get those neighborhoods the most famous bad neighborhood in the country right now

Yeah, I should probably go get that car. I mean, it's absolutely fuck. Well, son's still out. I can get that car. Yeah, definitely. Let's get my fucking car. I'm going to I'm going to check right now. You can check out the crime activity on like, I think you're about to see one in ten minutes when I say my car was. I mean, your car is, you know, shouldn't be. Your car is fine, man. They probably they probably they're probably going, God damn. If anything, you're going to get big. Oh, we're done. Oh, all right. Oh, nice.

Subdue we can be done. Yeah, we're done bro for folks already. All right, Matthew you motherfuckers you motherfuckers rule dude Later guys. See you soon. Bye