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Sup, gigglers? Gary, fix the Wi-Fi. Manifest that shit. We can't be managed. I mean, the day just got away from me. You're rolling? Okay, wait. You remember, like, the, I said, like, fuck, what was it? It started with a J. Yeah, but it was, like, it was one of these random words. It's funny that this is the hardest part of our podcast. This is the hardest part. Grace, you have one job. Wait, I know what to do. Chris, do you have a G word for us?
Goofy. Oh, that's a good one. Why don't we let women speak? Why don't you let women speak for once? Do we want to talk about your transgression against women in the arts? What?
What was that? First of all, what does transgression mean? The first time we were going to have our new female producer, Haley, here to record you guys, you didn't even show up. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. We hear that information. We totally are listening. We acknowledge your feelings. How dare you weaponize your female producer?
To turn women against women. You're right. Wait, Grace, did we actually have something scheduled? Grace said we didn't book anything. Okay, what happened was you told me to reschedule it to the following week at that time. Okay, so I used a back channel. Ipso facto, Chris is wrong. Yes. This is a men's issue. Okay. And you know what? We will send her edible arrangements. Yep.
Not to start, like, all aggressive and man-hating, because we would never do that. Right. But I almost got in a fight with another man today. About what? First, actually, set me the scene. Oh, girl. Yeah, where are you? You know that's the only way to tell a story. It's going to take ten minutes to get to the point.
So, I was doing a little photo shoot. We wanted to do new photos for Burner Phone. Yes. Because it's happening. We're doing it. At first it was like a test, and then I was like... And is it like 90s vibes? The photo shoot? Y2K. Yeah, okay. You have gems on your eyes. Yeah. Yeah. Why did you say it in that tone?
That's your perception of it. You think I'm projecting? I think you're projecting. Did you feel good about the gems? I was insecure about it, and you brought it out of me. I thought I might have looked stupid with the gems. No, they look good. There's like a bar of...
across the street from my house and they have a really cool pool table and we walk in and we nicely ask the bartender like can we snap some pics in the back and the guy was like yeah of course it's like noon no one's at the bar so go in the back and this kind of like angry dude
kind of like scuffs past us. I don't know what scuffing is, but you know what I meant. I know what you mean. Shuffles. Yeah, and like angrily. He scuffs. So he scuffs. So then he came back and he looks at us and he goes, are you guys tourists? So I'm offended. What is the age range of this man? 47. Okay. Like giving like angry divorce vibes. But he has a wife. Right.
You know exactly what I mean. You know exactly the type of man you're talking about. And I was like, no, I actually live across the street. But I didn't know if that was a good or bad thing. Like maybe I should have said Taurus. But then he goes, you know, people pay thousands of dollars to do photo shoots here. And I was like, and I was very nice. But you could tell he just wanted to start something. So I was like, let's get out of here. Did you get the shot?
Obviously. He also was like, don't put your shoes on it. And like 10 seconds later, I was standing on the pool table. I was like, sir, I would never disrespect the art of pool. I literally took a shit on the pool table and walked out. Like, see ya. Have a great day. So we walk out and we see him and he rolls his eyes at us. So...
I do my thing, which is thank you so much. Yeah, this is so helpful. This was so fun. It made my day. Honestly, it made my year. And it was my birthday this week. So happy birthday from you to me. Thank you for the present. So I'm walking away. And then he's like walking back and forth. And finally he comes back around when we're leaving the sidewalk. And he's like, these fucking people again.
And that's when I felt it coming on. I felt Uber driver fight Hannah coming back. Oh my God. And then I realized, again, he hates women. Yeah. Like if we were a bunch of men doing a photo shoot, he'd be like, do you need help? Do you need lighting? Yeah. He'd get in the background. He'd like make food and drink. But thank God this morning I got my period. This morning I got my period. Sync up giggling queens.
This has never happened in the history of Giggly Squad. Because you're off birth control, I'm off birth control. This is our natural bodies being like, who are we aligned with? The question is, who's the alpha? Who aligned who? I would say that I aligned with you because you've been off for longer. Chris better watch the fuck out. Chris is shaking, screaming, crying, throwing up. I literally got it and was like, hmm, I have been extra mean this week. No, I've been getting upset, but it's like,
The PMS upset feels so justified in the moment. - I cried about a monkey. I hysterically cried about a monkey. There is this Netflix show, I'm gonna cry right now, but it basically shows how there's two gangs of monkeys, the central gang and the west gang, and how they compete against each other, and there's this one monkey, Gus, that no one wants to hang out with. And when they're explaining that Gus has no friends,
Craig's standing in the kitchen and at the time he goes, wouldn't it be funny if you started crying? And he looks over at me and I'm staring, crying. Because he has no friends. Does Gus wear jewels on his eyes? No, he has more glass. Yeah, PMSing is like... So I was driving. I was illegally driving. I said it. I was going to lie, but I was illegally driving. I said it.
Wait, where? Because I wanted to play tennis with my new tennis best friend. Okay, allegedly, I was driving. Did Dez know? Was Dez like, yeah, go? Dez thinks I'm like practicing. Okay. Also, like there's no really, it's not like, it's like stop signs. Like there's no real roads. You are a literal teenager right now. You're like, whatever. I have my permit. My jump's already on my eyes. Like I'm going. I'm going to hang out with my tennis friend. I started drizzling and I called him. I was like, what do I do?
I was so scared. Oh, my God. So Des has been telling me, like, you need to find a good person to play tennis with, but it's not that easy. Yeah. So this girl named Madison came up in my FYP, and she's, like, a day in the life of a Hamptons tennis coach. And she's, like, so cute. And I used to teach tennis. Yeah. So I was like, this is so relatable, except she made it look, like, so much more aesthetic and cool. So anyway, I'm playing tennis. We're having so much fun hitting together, and I call Des driving back, and he's like, you've hit with her three times this week. Why don't you – wouldn't it be cool if you found some other players? And I was like –
Why do I need someone else? - It's not that easy. - And also, you wanted me to find someone, I found someone, and now you want me to find a whole harem of players? - I have a really, really hot take that I'm actually so nervous to say out loud. - Well, I just said that I did illegal shit, so what did you do? - Okay, so I went to see the Barbie movie, and I'm so excited to have it. I couldn't believe I hadn't seen it yet.
wore all black. Don't go against women. I didn't wear pink. Me and Craig go. It was great. I loved it. I really, really liked it. I thought it was a really cute movie. I totally got the message on what they were saying. I'm not like freaking out about it. I'm not like, oh my God, this is the best movie our generation has ever seen. Like this depicts the message they're sending so perfectly. Like it was cute. Like I thought it was a cute movie. Yeah.
I didn't think it was, there was like one too many dance numbers in it for me. Oh, well you also hate a dance number. I hate a dance number. You get the ick when anyone breaks into song. An all male dance number? No. It's not for me. You don't support men in the arts? No. Did anyone do a split? I feel like at some point there was like some guy doing a split. They were all in matching outfits. Would you have sex with Ryan Gosling?
Well, yeah, I'm not blind. Yeah, I'm not awful. But I just, I thought the outfits were great. Would you see it again? If it came on the TV and someone was like, oh, I'm watching this, I might pop in, pop out. But I'm not sitting for another two hours, no. What's a movie you liked more than it? Oh, my God. That's really hard. Because maybe this is like you just...
You're not taken aback by movies. Like, I loved seeing everything they were wearing. I love Margot Robbie. I thought she looked adorable. I loved all the Barbies. I thought they... It was so cute and great. I just wanted more, like, story. You know? Like, I wanted more things to happen. I wanted them to be in the real world longer. You wanted, like, a war. Yeah. Like, I wanted... I just wanted more stuff. Yeah, there wasn't, like, a red wedding. No, it's just, like...
I don't know. I didn't see it. I haven't seen it. Okay, great. So I can't, I mean. I mean, I support women in the arts for sure. And I'm so happy about it. Well, I just personally, like, I do think it's just like Mattel winning again.
Except none of their sales have, like, gone up. And we're, like, not going to be done with Barbie. Next year is Barbie's 65th, like, anniversary. I was never a Barbie fan. I was never. I really wasn't either. Like, I liked baby dolls. Did you play with dolls at all? No. No. What did you play with?
- Like give me like from four to seven, what was like this my fucking toy? Like I love this shit. - Yo, I fuck with this shit right here. This shit right here. This shit right here. - If there was a play kitchen anywhere in my vicinity, I was fucking it up. - I definitely had, oh my God, did I not have a child? - Did you literally just, just as a kid? - I used to play dress up and like perform music videos.
Okay, but you never, like, you never, like, played house with, like, a baby? I was definitely not into caretaking of any kind. I mean, you literally were tricked to clean a house and raise a baby as a four-year-old. That's child labor. First of all, I was a single mother, and I made it work, okay? I had things to do. I was also, I doubled as her teacher, so... You, like, smoke your cigarette outside, like...
The air conditioner broke in the toy house. Can I tell you a crazy story from my childhood that just, like, depicts my family's? My dad's side of my family and my mom's side of my family are two very different sides of my family. My mom's side, chain-smoking cigarettes, just wild and crazy. Not wild and crazy, but, like...
Whatever. They were like old school Italians. Like they're lighting a cigarette at 7 a.m. They just woke up like... Indoors? Yeah. Indoors. Shut the door. You're letting the smoke out. It's the kind of household I was raised in in the summers. I'm a grandparent's.
So much so that I would start smoking crayons because, duh, I wanted to be like them. So my grandpa bought me a box of, like, candy cigarettes. Well, we went on vacation with my dad's side of the family to, like, Rhode Island, like, very preppy. And something happened, and they were pissing me off. And we were, like, walking somewhere, and I had had it, like, with this side of the family. And I looked at my mom, and I said, if I don't stop for a cigarette—
I'll freak out. Took it out of my Barbie purse, put it in my mouth and was like, I need a minute. Dying. And then you're like coughing too. You're like. Yeah. I'm like, it's too much walking. I can't do this anymore. I'd like to go home. You burn it on someone. I just envisioned you dropping it and stepping on it.
Yeah. I'm obsessed with that for you. Thank you. Actually, as a kid, I did. You know how you have those friends who are, like, truly demons? Yeah. But, like, they influence you to be a demon as well. Yes. I had, like, a little evil friend, and we'd get together. She'd always have some kind of plan. Like, she was, like, having. Oh, I loved kids like those. She was, like, always stealing something. She's like, wouldn't it be fun if, and you're like, fuck off.
So we go to her grandpa's house. I didn't know he was like a big time lawyer, like mafia guy. The biggest house I've ever seen. And she pulls me aside and she's like, we have to do something today. And I was like, bitch, I'll do anything for you. Where's the body? I'll hide it. How old are you? Five. The parents would make fun of us because we'd be whispering in the corner. We always loved to be up to something. But I was scared of her. You're easy to coerce, I feel like.
Like, I could picture you as a five-year-old child just being like, I don't want to, but, like, I'm going to do it. And then at the last minute, I'll freak out. She was the kind of girl that, like, she was like, let's throw pebbles in the pool. Yeah. And they'd be like, if you throw one more pebble, and she'd be like, girl. Yeah. And then she'd just stare. It's a bad kid. Yeah, she's a bad girl. What is she doing now, you think? No one knows. No one knows. It's probably best. It's safest if we don't know. So she basically was like, look, my grandpa is going to die. Yeah.
If he keeps smoking cigarettes, we have to find all of his cigarettes. And I know where all of them are. And we have to flush it down the toilet. I felt like I was Batman and Robin. You literally were saving the world. This man had so many cigarettes. We went in his car. We got it from his car. There were like all these hidden stashes like in the kitchen. She found everything. And then we locked the bathroom door. And we're flushing, we're flushing, we're flushing. And I'm like, we're saving this man's life. He got so mad at us. Yeah, he's going through nicotine withdrawal. Yeah.
I couldn't imagine. And I remember being home in the car and my parents were like, so how was your day? You're like, well, I single-handedly saved a man from emphysema. What did you do today, mom? No, I remember we'd be at our house and she'd have stashes of candy. She's probably a drug dealer now. Mostly. She probably smokes now. For sure. When you told me to watch Hijacked... You didn't trust me. You didn't believe me. You didn't give me a chance. I watched...
I watched the trailer. You're a sicko. You're on a plane every other week. I couldn't get through the trailer. I was like, I fly too much to watch this. This is insane. And you were like, it's so easy. I fall asleep to it.
You really should tune in. I'm literally trying to find something to watch. And I said to Craig, like, please, can we watch Hijacked? I can't listen to Hannah talk about it anymore. And he was like, you can watch that on your own. I've already watched the trailer. It's too, like, it's too much. He was like, I fly too much. And I was like, you're such a little pussy. You guys have to grow up. And then I watched the trailer and I was like...
You're right. I fly so much that I can announce like the Delta announcement in the beginning. I sing songs to the, like, you know when you're sitting and they're playing those like fake Taylor Swift songs? Why is it? No, there are some real Taylor Swift. Some are real. Some are fake, yeah. Some are fake. They do play a Kacey Musgraves song too. They do, About a Butterfly. Love that song. I think it's because like if it did happen, I now know what to do. Right. I'm Craig. Right.
Because if your plane was hijacked, you would immediately become Idris Elba and take care of the situation. I have to say something embarrassing. I never really watched an Idris Elba show. And now I like, like I always thought he was hot. Yeah. But then you see how he's like a boss. There's something. This man. There's something about his voice that you're like.
His voice, just his demeanor. And then Des is now making me watch The Wire from the beginning. Oh my gosh. Guess who's in The Wire? He is. Idris Elba when he's young. And I just watched Hijack, so I'm having this beautiful moment. Wait, The Wire. Isn't that super fucking old? It's super old. Doesn't that come out in the 90s? Yes. Is it good? It's basically about Baltimore...
I used to go... Like gangs, right? Yeah, I used to go through the stage where I loved watching drug documentaries, where I wanted the police side, the drug cartel side, and I wanted the heroin addict side. Right. Obviously. I want everyone to be represented. And this is kind of like that, where you see all the angles. Dominique Dominic West. Okay. Do you know who he is? Wait, yeah. He's the British guy who was having an affair with someone. Did he die? Lily James. I think he's alive. Oh. Sorry. Sorry.
Chris, can you Google Dominic West is dead? You just have to inquire. Are you alive? Great name. He's in it. Young. Hot. So I love Idris Elba. Okay. I will protect him at all costs. I love that. Honestly. He did do a Netflix show that was supposed to be somewhat of a comedy, but I never watched it, if you're on a kick. Yeah. Okay, so the blindside stuff. Oh, yeah. So basically, the guy who it's about, Michael Orr,
This year, like 2023, found out that the people that said that he adopted him, like Leanne and what's the husband's name? No idea. Whatever. It doesn't really matter. Leanne Toohey and her husband. Leanne what? Toohey is their last name. You spelled that. T-O-U-C-H-E-Y? Toochey? Stanley Toochey.
I don't know how the fuck to spell it. Stanley Tucci adopted a star football player in the 2000s. Okay, Stanley Tucci. Can we talk about him for a minute? Because not the type of guy that would be my type, but if he wanted to fuck, I would. Actually, you do love men that look like your father. Okay, that's so...
So disgusting. It's one guy. It's Elliott Stabler and everyone loves him. And Elliott Stabler kind of looks like Stanley Tucci. Okay, also kind of low-key I have a thing for Kevin Costner and I feel like my dad looks like Kevin Costner. People say my dad looks like Kevin Costner. And that's the one that should be therapized for sure. Actually, you're so right. People stop my dad and say you look like Kevin Costner. You're kidding. Yeah, he got stopped once. By my mom. He hasn't forgotten about it. It was like by your mom. By a blind man. Okay.
It's so easy making fun of dads, and it's so fun. We were talking about also Stanley Tucci. Yeah. His thing is playing gay men in movies even though he's straight. It's strange. It is a bit strange. I think he's just in touch with his feminine side, and he has a whole show. He has a whole cooking show. He's in Italy. He's making pasta. He has a really crazy...
Life story. He's married to Emily Blunt's sister. He was married. His wife died of cancer. And then he met this woman and now they've been together. Did they meet when he was shooting Devil Wears Prada with Emily Blunt? That I don't know. That I don't know. But possibly. Oh, shit. What? What? Tucci, I don't know how to say his name. Sammy Tucci? Tucci and Blunt first met at the 2006 premiere of the Devil Wears Prada. You're kidding. Wow. Wow. Wow.
And I thought premieres were just boring. Wait, Stanley Tucci, his wife, Emily Blunt, Ryan Krasinski, like that whole dinner party? Fun. So fun. So fun. So fun. We need like one more couple that like we would be friends with but like don't actually hang with. But to like have a fake dinner party in our heads with? Yeah. This is the problem. When you are in a relationship, it fucks up your friendships. Because like...
every time I tell people I'm married like a girl she always goes oh and I go I know it's off brand and then she's like I guess we'll never hang out I'm not that I want to hang out with her but like I know exactly what you're talking about I'm gonna be honest not and other married couples are choogy
Yes. Other married couples are choogy. I wouldn't say that you and Des are choogy at all. I wouldn't say you and Des are married at all. No, but that's what I was going to say legit. I don't think of you as like in my married friend box in my head. Because we don't hang out with married people either because none of my friends are married except my brother. Right. But that's not really my friend. Right. That doesn't count. He doesn't even live here. He's not my friend. He's a baby. He's a baby. That's different. That's a father. That's a father.
Like once you have a spawn, then yeah, we're never. Did you say spawn? I don't know why. I'll literally never do it again. I reared your child. I reared your child. Okay, where were we? I've been trying to get this goddamn story out for 20 minutes. Okay, fucking Stanley Tucci. Okay, eat yourself up. Okay, blindside.
So basically, they said, they told Michael Orr, we're adopting you, okay? But they never adopted him. What the papers that he signed were basically like a conservatorship. So he is saying that he didn't realize this till 2023. He's now suing them. The movie made like,
300 million box office they definitely got paid for certain things in the movie I don't think he did so he's basically being like you made money however much money you made off this lie that you are my adopted parents like I
I want that. Also, regardless if it was a lie or not, it's his likeness. It's his fucking story. Could you imagine a movie being made about you and you not getting any money from it? Also, when they say conservatorship, you just immediately think of Britney Spears. Right. Right. Just him and Britney Spears in a house. Speaking of, did you see her most recent video of her dancing on a pole? I did for a millisecond, but I'm so used to it. Yeah, it's just so...
Brittany. Just Brittany being Brittany. I guess. But it's a little...
No, we can say it. Let's say it. Let's all stop pretending and be like, we're worried. We're scared. We're worried. We're upset. She's been freed. She still needs help. Yeah. And you can't say anything because people are like, oh, don't get involved. Like, blah, blah, blah. I don't know. I'm scared to be canceled of saying something against Britney Spears. But something weird is going on. She's not OK. Right. Did you hear that her book is not coming out because all these people are suing her to be like, you can't say that? Like, Justin Timberlake is...
Delaying it being made because he's like, you can't say that shit about me in your book. Oh, someone needs to leak it. For sure. Could you imagine? I wonder what she's saying. But here's the other thing. She could be making a lot of it up.
That's true, but also I do have to say if I went crazy, I would be doing so much worse than just spinning around on a stripper pole. That's so true. If I was crazy, I'd be sitting on Instagram Live being like, this is what Justin fucking did. If I was really free and crazy. Here's the other thing though.
Imagine someone wants to write something about you that you potentially did at 17. Yeah. Like, that's where I'm like, oh. It's a bit. What did you do at 17? I mean. What didn't you do? No, I was. You were smoking by five. So what did you do at 17?
I was running card games on the corner of the street, okay? Rolling the dice. Rolling the dice. I'm interested to see what happens with Blindside stuff, but it does go back to Capitalism Wins Again, Barbie, that movie. You guys, we have to think critically when the media throws stuff at us. The other thing I don't love is that Margot Robbie is like my age. Oh. And I don't, for whatever reason, I don't like it.
Oh. You know? See, I don't get upset about that. Actually, no, she's your age. No, whenever someone's really successful when they're young, I always go, oh, they peaked. Okay. I wouldn't want someone to say that about us.
We haven't peaked. Okay. We can barely read. What if people were like, oh, Giggly Squad's like all they'll do? You know what? I'm fine with that. I mean, like we're fine. There's worse. We've done worse. I do think though, like when people, I almost feel bad for when people like blow out like these TikTokers at like 22. Yeah. Because then they'll be like 33 and they're like posting something and no one watches it. And they're like, remember the good old days? Do you feel like on your TikTok for you page that you have a lot more people? Cats.
that you feel like are trying to get reality shows. Oh. Like, I feel like every girl I follow on TikTok for whatever reason, I'm now seeing their whole family.
And, like, all these, like, little things. And I'm like, is this... They're, like, trying to stir up drama with their family? No, like, is this because of the writer's strike? Every family's trying to be the next, like, Kardashian family. Oh, I... You know I'm so involved in the writer's strike. Yes, Paige is very involved in the writer's strike. Wait, your Instagram today was so funny when you said an Oscar. You're like, oh, we're going to win an Oscar. Okay, there is a strike, so...
I started laughing so fucking hard. Well, everyone in the industry right now, whenever you do something, they're like, but there's a strike! And I'm like, obviously. No, for sure. And I'm a comedian with no health insurance, but yes, I support the strike. Yes. We're podcasters with no health insurance. Do you not have health insurance? I mean, I have to buy my own. Yeah. It's that time of the year. Your vacation is coming up. You can already hear the beach waves, feel the warm breeze, relax, and think about...
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Obviously, my retina is happy about that. Right. But, like, I have a shaped head. Not to brag. I have a very tiny head. I have a very small, petite head. They called me Peanut as a child. Did they? Yes. When I wear big sunglasses, I look like a mosquito. And not a sexy mosquito. A mosquito who has seen some shit, who's...
Not doing well. You just need to find the right shape for your face. I know what it is. Okay. And it's a small Sunny that is a little cat eye or like a little round. You can do that in a, you don't have to go like full oversized where it's like, it's down to here. They're trying to go back to like Mary-Kate and Ashley, like Y2K, like big clunky ones. Ashley just had a baby. So yeah. I wonder if her baby is going to look like the other one's future baby.
You wonder if her baby is going to look like the other one's future baby? Like, if the cousins will look similar? Yeah. Yeah, because they're, like, sisters, so sometimes... Are you a fucking scientist now? I mean, like... Are you a fucking scientist? Like, if you have a child, it will probably resemble Lois at some point. I don't know. Actually, I have cousins that look literally like nothing like me. Fraternals, twins could look completely unalike. Okay, what are you, a scientist? Yeah.
Wait, what were we talking about? I was going to say something really nice too because I thought of it when I was really high the other day and I wrote it down. But now I don't even know if I want to.
I was PMSing. And you thought, oh, you had an emotional PMS. I like those. No, I had an angry PMS week. Okay, I was so emotional all week. Where you're like thinking the meaning in life and you're like, why am I here? Or like I would just, like I would see something that would never make me emotional. I wouldn't even think twice about it. And I'm like, am I tearing up? Like why is this? My mom came down for like four days and I wouldn't let her leave.
I was like, no, I really, like, I don't feel good. What if I pass out and I die and you're not here? She's like, should I change my train? And, like, I think so. And then she got home. This is the worst part. You know, like, when you're in, like, high school or something and you know that your parents, like, talk about you. Yeah. And, like, sometimes you've, like, heard it and you're like, fuck them. Like, you know, like, what are they saying? I think my mom got home and had, like, a serious conversation with my dad just, like, about me mentally. Yeah.
And my dad called me and he was like, okay. How you doing? Not well, bitch. How's space doing? Not well, bitch. As if they had had this entire sit down. They had an intervention without you. They're like one step away from handing me a conservatorship.
My dad goes, look, look, we've talked about it and we've decided that like you really can't go more than three weeks without seeing your mother. And like I'll send her down every three weeks because you're not you're not well. When my parents still live in the city, I had dinner with them once a week to stay sane. Like I'd feel myself like I'd be like, what is my mom? Get off track and you need your parents like we wouldn't even.
We didn't even talk about anything. We just sit down at dinner. My mom would like have clean plates and like a home cooked meal and you eat and you feel normal again and then you go off into the scary world. Yes. Things fuck you up and you go back. My mom's like, you're in this apartment too long by yourself. You're making yourself crazy. I was telling Des a story the other day. I was like, I was playing tennis and then these adults came out and Des goes, adults? And I was like, yeah, like these adults. And he's like, Hannah, you are an adult. I'm like, no, you're an adult. No, no, no. I can't hear that. No, no, no. These,
Someone more adult-y. These, like, 50-year-old people were having, like, dinner and we were playing tennis. I'm like, the adults came out. And he's like, you're 32. You're an old 32. No. No. I can't. That's why I like to surround myself with, like, younger stupid people. Because I feel better. Anyhow, so the thing I was going to say about you that was really nice is...
how it like feels weird but you're my most like inspiring friend like I don't think I have another friend don't get people mad at you she's like I looked at all my other friends I lined them up and I was like you're a loser you're a loser what are you doing here you're a loser
How'd you get in? No, you're like, you're the one that I actually thought was going to do the worst. And you came out from a horrible place. We all thought you were not going to make it. No, I don't mean it like that. I mean it like...
If I was doing my career and I didn't have you, I probably would have would like stop. Stop. But I would get lazy, I feel like. Like I feel like every time you're always like doing something and like you're very motivational. Oh, my God. Thank you. I do think in my heart of hearts, I'm a coach.
Because I come from a family of coaches. Like, my grandpa was a coach. Like, you're just always, like, thinking of, like, what can I do next? And it's very inspiring. First of all, thank you. I know that's difficult for you to say, especially because we've been fighting this whole pod. Well, I'm also, like, on my period. So it's just, like... We both are. Second of all, I feel like if I have people around me, it's, like...
It's hard to be nice to yourself, but it's easier to be nice to other people. And if I can't help myself, I want to help other people. And I've always been inspired by you because you're just so naturally talented. Thank you so much. Not with actual things, but silly things. Stupid things. Like beer pong. And I like to see people hit their full potential. I'm kind of like a friend agent, if you will. Yeah, I just think you're like...
I never get complacent because of you. But you know I'm not judging you. No, I would not. Okay, I'm not like, you didn't do anything on the one day. At the end of the day, you think about you and only you. Obviously. I just want to let you know I don't go to sleep at night and worry about you. I'm not going to really care what you're doing. Wait, that's so true. Do you know what I love about our friendship? When you think I might be mad at you, you just ask me.
Yeah. And you 100% trust my answer, right? A thousand percent. I feel like there's been like four times in our friendship where I'll send out, wait, are you mad at me? If you can't ask your friend, are you mad at me? There's something deeper like fucked up with your friendship that you haven't resolved. If you can't ask your friend if she's mad at you, that means she's mad at you. Yeah. So Paige texted me recently, are you mad at me? And I knew she wasn't in a...
She was in a normal state of mind. Because Paige gets a little paranoid at around 9pm. I forget. Every night. And that's when the crazy questions are coming. And it's like talking her off a ledge.
Every night around that time. Wait. I always need to be talked off a ledge. I'm like, everybody hates me. Even you being worried that I might be mad at you shows you care about me. Yeah. I wouldn't care if anyone else was mad at me. Like, I feel like people have told me, hey, I'm mad at you. And I've been like, I don't care. That has nothing to do with me. No, the fact that you were worried was actually the nicest thing you could have said. You could have said, happy birthday. You could have said, I love you, you're a great friend. You going, I hope you're not mad at me. I was like, I'm an important person in this person's life. Also, I...
I don't get mad at women. I'm just going to say that right now. I don't get mad at women. I even said to Grace, if it was a woman today that yelled at us or said like these fucking people again, I immediately would go, she's going through something hard and I hope she gets better. Where a man I go, how fucking dare you? Yeah, how dare you? What the fuck are you going through? I contacted Grace in an
uproar this week in a literally fight or flight moment. So you sidebarred with her? Oh, me and Grace sidebar a lot. Because me and Grace sidebar too. We all have her. Your texting plan probably needs to be upped because it's, I sidebarred her. Because we have a group chat with Grace, our Gen Z correspondent. Yes. And now I realize we both have individual relationships that are probably very different. We're in three group chats with Grace. Yes. And
Plus, we're sidebarring. I sidebar her, and I'm like, this is the most difficult task I'm ever going to ask you, and it needs to be ASAP. I need an IV injected into me no later than 20 minutes. So dramatic. So dramatic. Where's Craig? I went out, okay? I had three cosmopolitans. I'm going to put it in my butt. That's literally who I was. Immediately called for an ambulance. I was like, I have to go home.
I mean, I was... What kind of martini? No, Hannah. This is... No, Hannah. I literally thought that I was...
I was like, someone put something in my drink. You drugged yourself with a martini? Everyone was like, you had seven drinks and two shots. No one drugged you. No one drugged you, you absolute alcoholic. This is like in Trainwreck with Amy Schumer. She's like, I'm so hungry. I didn't eat anything. I didn't eat anything. I just had a burrito. A slice of pizza. A cheeseburger. No, that was literally me to my mom. I was like, I didn't even drink anything. I had two dirty martinis, three Cosmopolitans, and two lemon drop shots. It was nothing.
I threw up in my purse. You love to do that. What kind of purse? Was it Vivero? I only throw up in elite, expensive, real designer purses. Never in my lifetime have I gone out to some stupid club with a fucking Zara purse and vomited in it. I've only thrown up in Fendi and Chanel because I'm classy. The Uber didn't know, which was...
The biggest defeat of them or a biggest feat of them all. Not to get like into the details, but was it one like the or was it like a little of the second one? Definitely the second one. Here's what I did.
When Des says that we're adults, we certainly are not. I said, I'm going to, I am at the bar and I'm going. I'm like, oh yeah, I have a certain amount of time to get home before this is terrifying and I literally have to run away. I get in my Uber. I'm like, okay, I made it. So you're not with Craig? No, I'm not with Craig. I'm by myself. I'm with Craig.
I'm alone fending for myself out here in the wild. It's also, mind you, 1030. Okay? People haven't even started yet. Welcome to turning 30. People haven't even started and I'm like, I'm putting myself in an Uber. I'm a menace to society. Who is this old lady at the bar? I'm removing myself from the situation. Disassociating immediately.
I get in the Uber. I'm like, I have 15 minutes before I'm about to just burst. I can see that we're only on like- Burst, mouth or butt? Mouth. I'm a thrower. See, I'm the other way. I can see that we're at 9th Street. I'm like, I'm not making it. I have to go all the way to fucking 37. I'm not making it. So you would never be like, stop, let me handle something outside? No, because what I'm throwing up on the streets of New York City- I'd much rather do my Chanel. Okay.
This is incognito. I need no one to know. I take my keys out of the bag because I'm like, I can't go in and get my keys. I take nothing else out. I keep my phone in there, my wallet, my makeup. It's a clutch purse. So when I open the top, like my face is covered so the driver can't see me. And I'm just vomiting, vomiting, vomiting. Onto your phone. Straight on it.
Shut my bag. I get to my destination. I get out. I go into my apartment. I throw my bag. I get in bed. I'm like, hey, mom. My mom was there. I pass out. I'm dead. You threw the bag at your mom. Chuck it. I'm dead. Catch! I wake up the next morning at 7 a.m. I'm vomiting every 15 minutes. I can't keep anything down. It's literally like the time in Philly where I thought I was dying. Yes, I remember. Okay.
I text Grace. I'm like, this is an emergency. I need an ER doctor, like, immediately. She sends me a...
She sends me an IV person. I'm getting my IV. My mom cleans my bag. I couldn't charge my phone for like eight hours because I kept getting this alert like water, like liquid detected in the charging port. You put it in rice? No, I just like fucking waited. Yeah, because you literally puked all your martinis and lemon drops into the phone. I was puking water. I had nothing in me. I was throwing up my own stomach.
You have a great aim. No, I can, yeah, I can puke like nobody's business. It's not great. So Grace saved you. Moral of the story, Grace saved my fucking life. And I'm not drinking anymore. But I feel like you've been drinking this summer. There were like three nights this summer where I went out. Yeah.
I went out and I'm done now. Like, I'm done for the fall. Don't invite me anywhere. Don't ask me to do anything. I won't be drinking at any event. I literally don't drink anymore. It's too hard. So I will go off on these mocktails. These places now have these, like, fancy mocktails. Like, lavender bee pollen. I'm down there.
to have a cocktail or whatever. But if I'm going out or like we're legit, I know I'm going to be somewhere where I'm drinking multiple drinks. I can't do anything the next day and I can't do anything the day after that. Like I need a full 48 hours to figure out who I am and what. That same weekend I cried about the monkey. Like it was just like a whole lot of things. Do you feel like people who
There should be more places where people are just like drinking CBD drinks and like eating edibles and like that's the vibe. I think there should be more THC drinks. Yeah. Like why can't I go to a bar and progressively get higher and higher and higher and higher? Because nothing bad happens when you're high. Oh, what? You'll eat a whole pizza? Yeah. Wait, so what bag did you throw up into? Okay. A bag that I rarely use. My ex-boyfriend's mom gave it to me.
And so then my mom was like, oh my God. Was it your favorite ex-boyfriend? Certainly not. Okay, good. Probably one of my least favorite ex-boyfriends. If I had to rank that. You go, honestly, I was feeling fine. Saw the bag. Thought about him. Made me puke. My mom was like, he put...
a hex on you. So you keep ex-boyfriends gifts if they're good? Only if they're really good. Like that one, it was a gift from his mom and it was a Chanel. What was I going to do? You know, so I kept that. Oh, she wanted you to marry him. Yeah. She just like randomly gave it to me one night. I was like, no, I really can't take this. And I tried to refuse like three times. I was like, I'm not going to be here much longer. Save this for someone who will care.
But I will keep this for the rest of my life or I will sell it on free bag. Well, now it sounds like puke. So what did your mom say after you puked? I feel like if I puke after a night out, my mom is like, do we like have an intervention? No, she was so cute. She was just like, oh, my God, I think like you're so pretty. Someone definitely tried to put something in your drink. I'm sure they did. I was like, they did. They literally did.
God, you were here. You're always like the victim at the end of the night when you just did it to yourself. Yeah, I did it to myself. Like the next morning, you're like, why? I walked in being like, I'm getting fucked up. Then I did it. Well, I'm proud of you. If anything, I'm a woman of my word. On my own birthday, I ordered an espresso martini and then the people I was with drank it. Wow. But it wasn't the right ratio of Baileys. I'm like off espresso martini. It's too heavy. I can't do it anymore. So what is our drink now?
Since we said we quit drinking. Green tea. Shots. Chamomile. No, literally. Water with lime. I think I need to take like a small break. I think like next time I go out, I'm just going to try and get seltzers with like a lime so people aren't like, oh, are you not drinking? Des said he just drinks water. He always drinks water with a lime and no one's ever asked him anything. He's also a man. So I'm taking a break from drinking. Good. I hated Barbie. And you're inspirational. Yeah.
Can I actually ask you something? What's your Uber rating? Chris, who do you think is going to have a better Uber rating? Me or Paige? I think Hannah's got it. Okay, why? Because I threw up in one Uber? Yes.
Oh, bitch has gone up. Wait, where do you even find this? Account? Go to your account. See, that's not a good look. So I have to say that when I was partying in the Hamptons, I was the more sober one. So I was the one who always called the Uber and then someone else would be rude to the cab driver. Like, take the off-score. I don't need a whole life story. But with that said, who should go first? Okay, let's go number by number. First number, four. Point. Point.
Whose dick are you sucking?
4.94 to be exact. This is actually the most paid shit I've ever seen in my life. I get away with it. You don't even talk. Since high school. Like my best friends in high school would do something, sneak out, do something, get into a fight with someone else in school. I would be the one saying like the bad shit or be like orchestrating the bad shit and I would never get in trouble. That's the highest rating I've ever heard. Yeah.
After you puked in an Uber, the guy probably was like five stars. He was like, thank you so much for increasing me. I got a 4.87. I am... I'm trying to think. I am a little reckless with the like, I order an Uber and then like the elevator. Yeah. You're like... You are as bad as me with that stuff. Yeah. But I probably Uber more than you. I also do like real late night Ubering because of... I'm trying to come up with an excuse and I can't find it. You know what? Maybe it's just...
I'm telling you, Uber Paige is different. She's, she's Paggie. Like it's really, it's all her. It's not, it's not me. Do you have any advice for people to get their Uber rating up since obviously you know the tricks of the trade? Go by whatever name they call you. I've never once corrected someone. What do you say when the Uber is done? Thank you. Have a good day. Do you always say have a good day? Yeah. I say have a good day. I say have a great day. Are you tipping every time? Yeah. Because it's, they took it out.
Wait, wait, wait. I thought... That's confusing to me. It's very confusing. So you have to tip now? Yes. So do you think you tip and then they give you five stars? Yes. Do you tip every time? Yes. Okay. I did not know this. Chris, did you know you should tip? Because... No, I didn't. But what was your score again? Ugh.
4.94. Mine was. Yours, I mean. Oh, 4.87. Mine's a 4.88. Chris, this isn't about you. I only recently started tipping because I only recently realized that it's not included anymore. Okay, because before they never even gave you the option to tip. Right. And then they just started giving us the option. Now it's like five stars, add tip. Okay, this is, do you tip when you were at a coffee shop and-
You ask for a cold brew and they turn around and they give it to you and then it says, do you want to tip 20% on your $8 cold brew? No, I'm not tipping there. But if I'm in a drive-thru Dunkin' Donuts, I'm tipping at a drive-thru Dunkin' Donuts. Why? Because my dad does.
I love that. And that's the only reason. But any other drive-thru? No, I'm not tipping. She goes, I support big corporations, but at the local little cafe? Fuck them. Fuck that shit. Work harder. I'm not going into coffee shops, I feel like. I feel like I am, and I feel judged by the person behind me, so I always leave like 15%, but that shit like adds up. I feel like I'm a little bit of a...
I've always wanted to be the person that starts the like, I'll pay for the person behind. But I always get like, I'm like, that's so dorky. I'm not doing that. The person behind is like, I'll buy the shop. The person behind is like, please. I need 17 croissants.
No, the tipping has become strange. And then Des is from Europe. They don't tip in Europe. Right. Craig and I are a big tipping couple. Yes. Because I think we think it will get us more things, but it never does. No, tipping is really good karma. Have you ever seen like a du moi that's like this celebrity doesn't tip? I feel like it's the most embarrassing thing that could happen to you. I feel like a lot of time too because sometimes they don't even bring a check. Yeah.
to whoever that is. Like, I've been at restaurants before where they've been like, Paige, thank you so much for coming. It's like my friends. Like, thank you so much for coming. Like, this one's on us. And I could see how certain people are like, oh, we're leaving. But like, you still have to tip. But then you also don't know how much the total was to give the right amount of tips. Then you're like, okay, I'll give a couple hundred if it's like a big dinner. Yeah. It's
Look, money is difficult. Do you believe in money manifestation? That the more you give, the more you make. The more you put into the world. And if you hold onto it too tight. And I'm not giving... You guys, do not go home today and spend all your money on Zara. Right. Not like that. But yes, I do believe it. I have a money tray. That's how much I believe in money manifestation. You need to get one. I've had it for three years. I'm an August Leo, so I just have like...
I don't know why, but I wanted to say back, like, I'm a diabetic. I don't know.
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Yeah, I really, I try not to be associated. People? Are you, like, what's going on? Because I see celebs be, like, writing this whole thing about, like, I discovered PCOS and everything, and I'm like, pages? I'm like, I just have gas. No. Look at the face of PCOS. Well, I'm going to the gynecologist actually on Thursday, so we'll take- People are DMing me, asking me about your vagina. I need to get an ultrasound. Ultrasound.
Yeah, who knows what happened that day. But, like, are you okay? Yeah, I haven't had any pain since then, but I need to go get an ultrasound. I just don't want to have to go back on birth control. Everyone who has PCOS is on –
has to be on birth control and I don't want to. You're like Kanye. You just don't want to take your meds. No, I don't want to take my meds. They can't force me. Speaking of, there's documentaries out on, what's it called? I saw that. It's on Hulu, I think. I think it's HBO. HBO? About their divorce. Yeah. Yeah.
Not well done. Did you see the people? Oh, really? Not well done. It's like one of those like quickly put together. There's a writer's strike. It's giving like people mag. It's so weird. It's two episodes. One's Kanye side and one's Kim side. But it's basically just different reporters explaining the same story for both.
Like from the beginning. So like you're basically two of the same episodes, but like one of them, Kim's, they're like, Kim, like just wants to protect her family. And one, they're like, Kanye is a creative genius. Recently, one of my, my dad said one of the most iconic things I've ever heard. We were in the car and there was a Kanye West song on and he had like changed the station. And I think my brother was like, oh, I like that song. And my dad, without hesitation, goes, we like Kim.
Like, he had declared the DeSorbo family is team Kim Kardashian. And, like, straight face. That's a feminist icon. He's like, we like Kim. A literal feminist icon. I also keep seeing on my TikTok that people are talking about Kanye's wife.
And how like is anyone checking in on her because she was like a completely different person before she like married him. She used to have like long, luscious brown hair and she wore like normal outfits. Now she's like bald and like wearing sheer. Yeah. Over her face. She was trying to rob a bank. Imagine you're dating a guy and he goes, I think you'd look really good if you just covered your face and went to dinner.
I agree. You're like, why didn't I think of that? You know, I didn't want to put makeup on tonight, so this is actually perfect. How am I going to eat, though? It's like the guy that couldn't look at my face when he had sex with me, and I was like, thank you. If you could not look at me, that'd be great. I'd have a more enjoyable experience if I couldn't see your face. Thank you so much. It is funny that I think of the times that you have sex where, like, you never looked at each other, but you never kissed. See...
Didn't hold hands. Wait, I just had this conversation with somebody and they were really worried for me. No. Someone was like, oh, I love, I forget what they were even talking about. Making out during sex? Yeah, they were talking about foreplay and making out. And I genuinely had to sit and think, what am I, 13 and I'm just out here making out? I think Craig wants to make out with you. Probably so badly. Okay.
I just find it like, yeah, we get it. We're already here. We've already both agreed. The thing with marriage. You don't need to convince me. With marriage, you get busy. And sometimes I'll literally like, I just ate an onion soup. Yeah. And then for whatever reason, next thing you know, and it's like, okay, we're not kissing right now. But there's another hole. No, I haven't. Do you kiss goodnight? No. I think Greg kisses my forehead.
I said something really nice to Craig the other day and he goes, thank you so much. I know that was a lot for you. And I go, how evil? He goes, very evil. Very, very evil. I've never been like a huge like make out person because I find other people's tongues like disgusting. Yeah. Yeah, we get it. But I don't want it like all over my mouth, like all inside my mouth. Yeah. So I've never been. But there's like three weeks that you do want their tongue in your mouth. Yeah. For like 15 seconds and then I'm like, I got it.
Like, yeah, we did it. You know? Wait. I think it's enough. I think I saw a meme that was like, hey, do you want to awkwardly, like, try to find a rhythm and never get it for three minutes while kissing? Yeah. And then you're like, you don't know who's leading. And then you try to, like, lead with the tongue and you're like, was that aggressive? I have been in situations where I've, like, stopped and been like...
Why don't you take it down a notch and just follow me? Yeah. Like, I'll do it. Yeah. But it's like, that's not my job. I also feel like there's no, you can't get closer to me. You were just inside of me. There's no, there's nothing closer that we could do. See, some would say kissing is more intimate than sex. Like, a prostitute would be like, no kissing. I'm a prostitute.
I think Craig is the prostitute in this stream. We have boundaries. I have boundaries. You do have boundaries. You are literally such a cat. It's hilarious. I'm such a cat. I got excited about something the other day, and Craig was like, oh my God, you never get excited. Like, that just made me excited. And I was like, yeah, because you're a dog, and like, I could walk in and be like, oh my God, and you'll immediately match my energy. Wait, that is so funny. Like, when you see a dog, and you're just like, ah, ah, ah, and the dog's like, ah, ah. Yeah, they just like freak out. But that's so not me. Where a cat would be like,
Yeah, I'm like, you're getting wildly excited for something menial. I think more guys to start sex could use like a kiss or two, like a little just soft kiss. I love a soft kiss. Nice and soft. Not trying to like get in my ovaries with your tongue. Aiden actually does his brother who's single at 8-0 Bishop. Everyone check him out.
I'm just slinging dong around. You're literally trying to find a sister-in-law to add to your tennis team. He said something so funny and cute today. He goes, you know a date's going well when she touches your elbow.
Your elbow. And do you know how in a date, he finally makes you laugh and he subconsciously will go... Yeah, like touch them. And it's not in any cute place. It's literally a touch. But he goes, but I, I can't touch an elbow because that's weird. And he's so right. Like if a guy in a date randomly touches you, you're like, ew. Yeah, gross. But if I'm touching your, like, just parts of your arm, he's like, we're fucking. Yeah. Like, we're fucking. If I actively...
Yes. Touch you. I'm into you. Because it's funny because you know the guy wants to fuck. The guy's always down to fuck whether he loves you or hates you. Right. But you need to get an elbow touch from the girl to know. Wow. That's a good like barometer to see like how things are going. Yeah. And if you like think back to the date like, oh, was it good? Was I into it? And you think like, oh, I touched him. So like I must have been into it at the time. I always do it when I'm laughing accidentally. Yeah. I like when they like touch your knee under the table. Yeah.
Only if you're into him. Right. If you're not into him and he touches your knee, I'm like, I will kick you in the nutsack so hard. Also, I'm a very sweaty person. So like a guy will like touch my lower back and I'm like, oh no. On my first date with Des, I was in Sag Harbor sweating profusely. He touched my lower back and I was like, this is the end for me. And did he say anything about it? No. I can see it.
Like I can literally see the sweat pouring up. I'm getting my whole body lasered in the fall. No way. Wait, I want to come with you because I want to do my legs and my vagina. I need to get my chin. Okay. My vagina. I also need to get like, this is so graphic, but you know, you get the Brazilian. It comes with the butthole. Yeah. They don't talk about under the butt. That area under the butt. Yeah. I need that area. I think that's part of your legs.
My upper, upper, upper leg, kind of bottom of the butt. Yeah, I think it would be in the leg package. Okay. Because I did look at this one place and it called it like the inner butt. All I know is I'm going to spend a lot of money. Wait, I'm going to tell you something. Last time I went, I ended up having to leave because usually I have a pretty high pain tolerance. Did you do it with the air or with the like pregnancy gel that they put on? Because you have to do the air.
The pregnancy gel. I can't remember which one it was. I want to say it was the pregnancy gel. Yeah, the gel hurts so much. If it's for beauty, I will, like, withstand it. You could torture me for 10 hours, and if they said, like, you're going to be stunning after, I'm like, start the clock. I had to leave in the middle of it because I had my period, and I was –
so sensitive like and it was my legs and I was like I've done my underarms I've done my face I've done my bikini like this should be a walk in the park if you have your period you can't go because your body is like way too sensitive this has been a period piece this has been a vagina monologue yes this episode also one place does your feet but like I don't actually have I'm too prideful to get my feet done
You're my Adam Sandler. And I love it. You're my Jonah Hill. Thank you. Who are you? R.I.P. You're my... Timothee Chalamet. They're like best friends, but they're quirky. Are they best? Oh, yeah. You're my Timothee Chalamet. They like play basketball together. Yeah, because you both have like cricket bodies. No, our kids would be interesting looking. I'm going to like AI them when we get home. Just to see.
Anyway, guys, thank you so much for getting with us. Sorry we're in our periods, but if you don't support Women in the Arts. That's on you. I do have to say there's some artistic stuff happening in my underwear right now. We have shows coming up in Toronto and Chicago and New York. And a new Burner Phone episode came out with me and Des. I'm very excited to see the pics. I can't wait. And we have No Notes Hat that launched yesterday.
And if you enjoy Giggly Squad, we never tell you guys this, even though it's so helpful to the pod. Rate, subscribe. Rate, review, subscribe, and swipe up. And leave us a little note. Tap the link. I'm not allowed to read them because I'm not allowed to read comments. I accidentally started responding to people on the Giggly Squad account. Oh, my God, because I never talked about my yellow dragon fruit. We'll talk about it next time. Are you sure? Yeah, next pod I'll tell you about my yellow dragon fruit. Okay, we love you guys so much, and we'll talk to you later. Bye. Bye.
