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I mean, the day just got away from me. I feel like I've said every G word. Yeah, every G word. You guys, I've said every G word and I'm not, I can't do it today. What if you just had an intro that you said, hey, gigglers.
stop i know ew how embarrassing hi gigglers we're back in the studio quick housekeeping not that we actually do housekeeping but this is just figuratively yeah um we're going to nashville this month i know texas this month there's a couple tickets left nashville austin houston dallas yes and it's we are so excited we're
We're gonna get our cowgirl boots on. - I can't believe you texted me, admin, first. And like a month in advance.
We already have everything booked. I'm trying to prove to Des that I can be a mother. Flights are booked. Hotels are booked. You even booked your flight for next month for when we go to Denver. Do you know what happened? I had a full freak out because I realized with Giggly Squad Tour, I also have a stand up tour going on with it where like sometimes from Giggly Tour, I go to a stand up tour. And I got fucked and had to pay like $900 for a flight to Cleveland the other week because I like forgot about it.
I now realize like the cheap side of me is like get ahead of the game. No, you have to. And now I kind of like buying plane tickets because I feel like I'm like getting a deal even though I'm not. No, I know. They trick you with the Amex. They're like, wait, you fly Delta, get a credit card. And you're like, okay, well, now I have to. Speaking of flying, did I tell Gigglers how I missed my flight to Connecticut? No. No. No.
Oh my God. We love a misconnection story. But this was for the first time ever, not my fault. They, there was a problem with the plane. Wait, you're in New York. You're flying to Connecticut. I think I was in Ohio. Okay. I was flying to New York and then flying to Connecticut because I had a show at 7 p.m. And I was coming from Cleveland. So like I figured I get below bougie and fly from New York to Connecticut. So I get there and
And I realized there's like 15 minutes before I have to get on the next flight. And sometimes the app doesn't update when it's like, you know, it had the wrong gate at LaGuardia. Not only had the wrong gate. Don't even get me started on the new LaGuardia. The new LaGuardia.
Because it's still being made, they don't have those zippy things. It's also the biggest mall in America now. So I go all the way to 81, right? And I'm chilling and there's no one there. And I was like, is she early? And then I literally was just fucking around. I think I was texting. And then I was like, there's something wrong.
And then I look at like the screen, which is like old school. I don't check the screen. Wait, when you got to the gate, didn't it like that board didn't say? I didn't look at the board. I just looked at my app because I'm a dumb millennial. So then I realized it's at gate 65. And I said, no problem. I still have 10 minutes.
I look and it says it takes 10 to 15 minutes to get there. This bitch flew. I was like knees up. I was running. A giggler saw me. They were like, Hannah. And I was like, ah, and they were like, are you okay? And I'm sweating. I'm crying. No, I was at a point where like I could cry, but I was like, save the cry if you need to. Yep. You're going on pure adrenaline. Pure adrenaline. Cause my, it's like three o'clock and the show's at 10.
at seven and i know the flight's like 25 minutes yeah so i get there and it's one of those things that the plane is there but then you shut the door so like your heart drops and they can't open the door because it's like a system but why no i i've had this fight before with them once they shut the door it like triggers every alert to everything to like for things to happen okay so i
10 minutes before they... Is when the door shuts. And I was like, didn't you know I was in the airport? Like, didn't you know I had a connecting flight that was late? And they go, if it's 10 people... If it's less than 10 people, we don't care. I would have thought, like...
Okay. So then I'm like, I'm looking at the person. You're starting to cry. Well, I had two sides of me. I was like, I could cry, but I was kind of too tired to cry. Yeah. And I also couldn't breathe. Like, it was kind of embarrassing. Like, I'm so out of shape. But I kind of got, I got a little attitude and I was like, oh, so only if you guys want to, you'll wait for people. Oh my God. And I never do that. Okay. Let me at them. I go, so if you guys care, like care about someone else's life.
And the woman was like, I'm speaking. So she gave me an attitude. Okay, yeah. Then that makes you nervous. Yeah. Then I was like, okay, I'm not trying to go back and forth with her. They're like, we'll get you on another flight. The next one's 9 p.m. I was like, I have a stand-up show and there's a bunch of girlies waiting to see me.
And then I realized the Uber is like three hours, but I'm not trying to pay for a $400 Uber. So then I realized I have to get on her good side. And it was their fault that the plane didn't come in in time. But if there's a flight that day, they don't have to Uber you. Okay. I didn't even know they would Uber you. So I was looking at her. She's looking at me and she was not having me. She was not having it. Like she was one of the, she had a day. I could tell she had a day and she was, she did not have any empathy for me. And I was like, I was like, I'm sorry.
I'm sweating. I have high cholesterol.
Cholesterol I also just did Four gigs in Ohio And I love Ohio But she goes to her Like manager And she was like Should we give her A like Voucher Voucher And it's literally Just humans deciding My fate at this point Yeah Oh my god And I'm just like I don't know like I'm like what kind of Shit have I done in past life Like where is This is when karma comes No an airport is The Hunger Games It's a lawless area And then there's a line Forming behind me And they're fucking Madder than me Yep
They go, yeah, give her a voucher. For how much? I don't even know, but like someone comes... A voucher for a plane ticket? No, a voucher for like a random car just showed up and drove me three and a half hours to Connecticut. So Delta is a sex trafficking partner? Yeah.
They were like, go down here and it'll show up. It was a, they go call this number and they'll come. And I was like, are you guys sure about this? Cause now I'm like, you're like, I don't do cocaine. I don't need this random number. And he's just going to show up. Kidnapped Paige. She's way pretty.
I've been waiting to be kidnapped. Please. I'm actually fucking pissed that no one's tried. My mom's going to get so mad that I said that. I put it in the atmosphere. But like there is part of me that's like... Not even one. I'm further taking. No one even did a double take on you. I'm so small. I'm so small.
I said I'd be so mad being kidnapped because I'll be like, is there going to be snacks? Are there other kidnappees that will be there? Like, because I'm bad at small talk. No, you are that like viral video of the guy being like, what kind of music do you listen to? Is there Wi-Fi? Sorry, the Wi-Fi didn't work. Can you give me it again? Are you going to uncuff me now or like when we get to the house? Where are we actually going? Do you like sleepy in total silence? Do you have like a sound machine? Like orangutan noises? I like orangutan noises.
Okay, so you get in this random car with this random man. And...
He basically, this is the big thing that I'm dealing with right now. I'm very bad at lying. Yeah. I think I'm good at lying if it's like to help someone, but not in generic lying. You can't just throw out a lie. No. Oh my God. No. Cause I know you, you can have fun with it. I'm lying right now. This whole thing is a lie. This whole Giggle Squad has been a bit since it started. I don't actually even really know Hannah. What is reality? Time is a construct.
We're all in a simulation. So anyway, we get there. It's fine. She wasn't a talker this one, thank God. Yeah. But this week I was going to FSU because I'm doing some comedy gigs at colleges. If you guys are in a college. How fun. Hit up your student council and tell them to have me. It's so fun. The girlies are, they're hilarious. Imagine someone knocking on the office of the registrar asking when Hannah Burner's performing. Like that just whole situation is making me laugh. Well, you went to your college, which we will talk about. We will talk about.
I talk about me lying. I lied my ass off. They're asking me questions. I was like, I don't know. Did I even graduate? I literally checked for my name the morning of graduation to make sure it was in the fucking program. Okay. So that's where I was at. Shout out to what is it called? College of St. Rose in Albany. St. Rose in Albany. That's what I can go. What was the mascot? A golden knight.
Okay, Zaddy. Yeah. Okay, rich fighters. Zaddy, protect me.
So I am getting this Uber at FSU. So I want to do this thing. I'm like, don't tell me you're a comedian because this guy was a chatter. Yeah. And I did not want to get into it. I was so tired. I just came from. And it's not, it's not a common profession. Like they get all jacked up. They ask you to tell them a joke. They like bring up your podcast. Like it's a whole thing that like I don't like getting into. I'm whatever. And it's always the same questions. Yeah. And then they're always like, you can use this as a bit, which I am right now. So.
He goes, he was like, so what are you doing at FSU? And I was like, oh, like I'm visiting a friend. And he goes, oh, so you're in college? And I'm like, no. And he's like, so you're just visiting a college kid? So then it starts looking like creepy as shit. He's immediately calling 911. I'm like, yeah, I'm just helping them with something. And I was like, what are you going to say? And he's like, what are you doing? I'm like, I do marketing. And he's like, what are you helping them with? And I'm like, just moving stuff around. Hannah, what would you be moving around? I don't know. Like helping them.
I don't know. I didn't lie in that situation. Like, I thought you just say something and they believe you. But he kept asking follow ups. And then he's like, you've been out of college, but you're visiting a friend who's still in college. I'm like, yeah, they're my brother's friend. No, he kind of felt like I was hooking up with a guy in college. Oh, my God. Then it got weird. Then it got real weird. And then and then he started talking about like he was bragging about his daughter, like
And like what she did in her career and how she's in like a creative career. And then I so badly wanted to go back and be like, no, I love that she's in the creative. I'm actually a comedian. Then I was all mad and then I'm like, I don't want to lie anymore. Yeah, because now you have this story where you were. He gave me one star. A pedophile. Did he really? I'm just kidding.
See, it's so funny in Uber situations that you feel like it's easiest to tell the truth. I'm lying all day. I lie all day. What do you say? What's your go-to? Okay, let's reenact. Paige, the sore bone? Uber for Paige. First of all, they always say my name wrong, which I'm like, how the fuck? In Uber world, I am Paggie. And that is me.
And that is what I go by. And it's the only, if people say Paige get into an Uber, I don't know her. I'm like, this, sorry, it's Paggie. Paggie is your alter Uber ego. Paggie's wild. Paggie lies her ass off. So where are you going today, Paggie?
Why is this like a role play? Why did I just get excited? No, here's the thing. I will lie in an everyday Uber. It's the times that I tell the truth that shit gets fucked up. I was in an Uber in Scottsdale, Arizona from the airport to the hotel and by myself. This guy starts talking to me and I was feeling good. First time in Arizona. I'd never seen houses that don't have grass. I was intrigued by the area. Yeah.
So I'm sitting in the Uber and this guy says like, oh, what do you like? What are you in Arizona for? And I was actually in Arizona for Craig was doing chicks in the office. Yes. And so I was like, oh, I'll just like go with you and like whatever. So then we ended up doing it together. I was like, oh, actually, my girlfriends have a podcast. They're doing a live show. I'm going to be on it.
And he was like, oh, my God, that's so crazy. Like the podcast world is so interesting. So then I say, yeah, I actually have a podcast with my friend and it's called Giggly Squad. And he says to me, oh, I think my daughter is starting one, too. Can you listen on OnlyFan? And so I literally had nothing to say.
didn't know how to not out his daughter she's talking with her lips but not the lips you think she's talking i didn't know how to not to simultaneously not out his daughter for having an only fans but also telling him i don't have an only fan so it was very and i was like the one time i fucking tell the truth now i'm in this pickle like that's why that's why i lie in ubers i was getting my nails done recently in salt lake city mm-hmm
And I said I was a comedian And there were like Five women there Who worked there Who just weren't busy And I'm getting my nails done And they're like Oh my god You're a comedian And they go Tell us a joke And I'm like This is not a fucking Open mic Like I'm It's 10am And you're just like Knock knock No I'm like I will If a man Okay if a guy at a bar Says tell me a joke I say your face Or I say your life Your entire life And then you like Get out of it Yeah
I'm not going to say that to these women, these hardworking women who are supporting me. I will take green. Thank you so much. I actually do want the green. I changed my mind. They're like, hey, nubby finger girl, give us a joke. And they were like, what do you joke about? And that's also like hard to explain. Like, I'm not like, oh, yeah, I'm really into politics. Soaking. I was in Charleston this weekend. Craig and I, our pillow line.
like in store on Saturday, but Tuesday is when it comes online. Okay. So we were doing like, he was having like a little pillow party, whatever. And we were meeting people and these two girls are in line. They come up to me and the one girl goes and Craig is like, so obviously he doesn't, he knows giggly squad, but he's not in on the joke. So like people, girls will say things to me and he'll just be like, so nervous. Like he literally freezes. So these two girls come up to me and they're like,
Intimidate Craig. And the gigglers will say anything at any point. They don't care who's around. These two girls, they're sisters. And they're like, the one girl lived in Charleston. The other one was visiting. And I said, oh, where are you visiting from? She said, Utah. And the girl goes, we're both Mormon. Isn't that funny? And I go, naturally. I go, we love soaking. And Craig looks at me.
Because he was the one who originally brought up soaking to me. And we were talking about it. And it was a coincidence that I brought it up. And then we talked about it on the pod. And so we're all laughing. And he looks at me like I just offended their entire community. Like, what the fuck are you saying? And I was like, no, no, no. It's fine. No, like the Mormons and I. We're big in the Mormon community. No, yeah. We're big in the Mormon community. We're the only ones that are allowed to make fun of Mormons. Because they know we understand their culture. And also Gwyneth Paltrow. Yeah. Yeah.
It's funny because Des had a comedy show in Boston and I love when the Gigglers go to see Des. Yeah. Because I want like I like when they watch him like when they support him. I like when they like spy on him. I bet Boston loves Des because they have like a big Irish community. Des basically said that like
Ireland plus New York equals Summer for Boston. If I genuinely feel like if we didn't live in New York, we would probably live in Boston. Boston crowds are so good. These girls come in late to his show and he was walking in late too because like the feature was on and he was like fucking with them. Like he's like, well, you guys late and they go, sorry, we're really bad at admin. Also like, how's your second family? And just all the shows to them.
roasted them they messaged me and they go hey just want you know we told edward about it admin and we talked about second family and i'm like good thank you send me photos so they keep an eye on him and then he calls me and he laughs about it yeah no the gigglers literally troll craig's instagram and i fucking love it i laugh so hard oh god but that's how giggling so i started do you remember the lives where i was trolling people with perry how the gigglers put pears all over his page and then when i met des we called him catty daddy catty
Oh my god, I forgot about that. Speaking of catty-daddy, so we have to talk about nails. I broke one of my nails. Oh my god, they're so long. Thank you, they're real. As we know, I am now the queen of nails on this pod. You are because mine are all broken. Paige has given me the throne. Honestly, put your hands away, your little skinny fingers. But I broke one finger and I had that immediate, like, do I kill the whole family? And then I realized...
Girls, cut that finger and use it to put it up your man's butthole. You know what's funny is because it's accurate. No, because like I'm not using a long like I don't want his stuff in my nails when I'm having a burrito the next day. It's funny because I feel like every single girl has super long nails. So it's funny to look at who their partner is.
Like... Because lesbians always have short nails. Well, they got to get in there. Yeah, they're smart with it. Right. But if you have... It's like a guitarist. You know how guitarists have like one long nail? Yeah. We should keep one short nail. But then like... I'm going to be honest. This is not Call Her Daddy. I'm not out here just shoving fingers up guys' buttholes. Right.
How do you do it? Like if you have a big man and he's on top of you like and you're having sex, are you supposed to like wrap around? Because my hand's not that long. My fingers are nubby. I can't get in the hole. I'm going to be honest. I've only ever been asked. I feel like I give intimidation vibes in the bedroom because I don't get asked to do things that like the other girls are getting asked to do. And it's kind of like me getting abducted. I'm like, why not me though? I've never been asked either. I've only been asked with one man.
And the one who didn't want to see your face ever. No different. This was like a full boyfriend who cheated on me all the time. So I should have known. So I've only been asked to do it one time. And so I've only ever done it one time. So I'm not I'm not in there. How did you do it? Oh, my God. I was in college. So this is like so long ago. But I think I did it like I think I did it.
Like just... Your finger is so long. He's like, that's my throat. It's in my throat. I don't really remember what my angle was, but I do remember being like...
And it's not for me. So the first time you do it, you feel like a teenage boy finger a girl for the first time. And they're like, ow. Yeah. Because I'm just like, yeah. Finger blast. Is he jerking off himself while you're just like putting your finger? I never even got fully in there. I like you can lie about it. I feel like because they don't know unless they do know. I do have to say these guys with blonde hair, though, you think.
All guys have gross buttholes. Some of them don't. Some of them are like gorgeous. You know what's annoying is the stereotype or like the typical like women need to be totally hairless. And like even like when you do like go to have sex like there are some times where I'm like oh shoot I haven't shaved like I feel gross or like is he going to think it's gross. Mm hmm.
Men are disgusting. But the thing that annoys me about it doesn't annoy me that they're disgusting. I'm fine with it. I can deal with it. I'm an adult. Yeah. Is that they have no like second thought to be like, oh, maybe I shouldn't be a wildebeest in my entire lower region. Like they never get shamed into shaving their asses. You also dated some pretty hair. You love hairy guys. I do love a hair.
You love a hairy man. But the thing is, I don't want to like make this about Des, but like these Irish guys. Nothing. Nothing. His hands have no hair. Craig is Dutch and I don't even, I think he literally has a toupee on because I'm like, where is any of your fucking hair?
hair. Like my knuckles have hair on them. Because we're used to strong Italian, even Jewish men. Like I, I love a Jewish man. I do. And I love them short and I love them fat. They have hair in their ears. I love it. I love it. I also think because of Sex and the City, I always thought I was going to marry someone Jewish because they always say that they make great husbands. Oh, man.
Here I am with someone from the Netherlands. That was your college. That was your actual college. Sex in the City. Sex in the City is my religion. I do have to say, I did that thing, though, when I was single where I wouldn't shave when I didn't want to hook up with a guy. It's a classic mind trick. But it never worked. So I would just end up always hooking up with guys when I had the longest leg hairs ever. See, that's when I would end up being in their bathroom shaving. I've had a point once where I brought a guy back to my place. It was like during the day. And I did not expect it. Yeah. And we're sitting there and I was like...
It's in my apartment I'm like should I just go in my shower and shave But I remember this like feminist You love getting in these moods Thing came over me and I was like I'm gonna do something powerful I'm not gonna shave my legs And I'm gonna fuck them It didn't last um
No, it's just also guys make us feel so bad about it. But now like it's ingrained in my brain and now I don't like the feeling of it. I've never liked the feeling even when I was younger before I even was like had sex. Yeah. I never liked the feeling of like my leg hair on my pants. But also guys who are attracted to me, they like the like, you never know. Right. Like we would never, we would never attract the same man. Like, I mean,
There are similarities, though, when a guy really loves you. Yes. Like, today I called Des because I'm getting my hair dyed after this. Okay. Is this, like, another trickery or, like, you're really, like, what are you doing? We don't know. Okay. Which is even more worrisome because that's when I make mistakes. But do you know in terms of darker or lighter? I definitely want to go lighter. Okay. But part of me wants to go, like, red and then part of me might just go, like, a blonder light. Okay. Or, like, a copper. So you might go, like, an auburn. Yeah. So I...
Des and I were watching a TV show last night and this girl had like dyed red hair and I was like do you like her hair and he's like yeah it looks good where do you get your hair dyed where do you go IGK okay um shout out to Stephanie she does um the comedian Kate McKinnon's hair nice okay no it's blonde but I'm like and we go to the same girl to cut her hair yeah Melissa her name on Instagram is Melissa will cut you okay now we're never gonna be able to get a second appointment again thank you
Get keep something, bitch. Lie about something. She's actually amazing. She does not skinny, not fat. Like she changes. She's not working anymore. But yeah, she's retired. Unfortunately. Oh, she just retired. That's crazy. That's so weird. I called us today and I was like, how do you feel about me dying my hair? He's like, just don't do anything crazy.
What would be crazy? It's platinum. Okay. But like also men don't, they can't even tell. Like it would look the same. I was going to say like if you came home with like purple hair, then that's kind of crazy. Yeah. So he was like, no, I didn't mean crazy. I'm like, I'm not. I'm like, I might do a little reddish. And he goes, that's why you asked about the girl last night.
And I was like, wow, you're a detective. FBI. And then he's like, no, don't do that. And I'm like, so what hair do you like? And he's like, the hair you were born with. My mom always says that shit. And then I just imagine my little tuft of hair when I'm born. I'm like, you mean I look like a bald old man? When you met him, though, what was your hair? Let's be honest. My hair has always been pretty similar. I think it was a little lighter, though. I like going lighter for summer. But I want to ask you.
I don't want it to be try hard. Like, I don't want people to be like, oh, she tried to be red. I want it to look like still a natural color, but like a little lighter. Why don't you not go full red and just like throw in these random red or like a glaze? You do maybe go fully red. It's not that much of a shock. People also said the sun affects things. So like blonde looks better as the sun gets on it where red might not be. It's a whole thing. I'm very nervous.
I'm nervous too, but like how often are you in the sun? Are you like out there in the sun all the time? Oh my god, did I tell you? I have a vitamin D deficiency. My blood work fact. They were like, we've never seen... Wait, how often are you getting blood work done? Because I almost feel like I probably have a ton of shit wrong too. No, I've never gotten it done. I just got it done for the first time because they just wanted to check up and I've never done it. So I have high cholesterol and low vitamin D so they're like, you're a fat bitch who just sits around all day on the couch and I go, I didn't need blood work to tell me that.
And then Des was like, I told you you need to go on more walks. And I was like, I'm not a fucking dog. I don't want to go for a walk just to get some sun. No, I know. So then I just bought vitamin D pills online.
So smart. So freaking smart. I'm not fucking walking. Sometimes I'll go out on my balcony because I'm like, I need air or like I should see the sun. And I'm out there for two seconds and I'm such, I feel like such a New Yorker because I'm like, ugh. Also, I'm getting mixed signals. I'm going inside. I'm getting mixed signals. Like people are like, number one rule for your skin, stay out of the sun. And then the doctors are like, you need sun. And I'm like. We need to call Gwyneth is what we need. Yeah.
Justice for Gwyneth. Was that amazing? The trial shouldn't have happened in the first place, but it wasn't long enough.
Exactly. For me. Exactly. Like, I could have watched that. Because Johnny Depp's trial was, like, disturbing to another level. Johnny Depp's was, yeah. I totally agree. It was fun enough that, like, there wasn't a lot on the line. It felt like Gwyneth was on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and this was just part of her storyline. Like, and we cut two court scenes. Yes. Like, that's how it felt. Yes. Because the lawyer complimenting her with Gwyneth also simultaneously being...
I want that energy. She was being so nice, but she was the biggest bitch in that fucking room. And I loved it. Gwyneth. When Gwyneth went and said to the guy, I wish you well. That was so iconic. I got chills. That was so iconic. Who am I going to be able to say that to? That's the new. Fuck you. What do people say in the South? Bless your heart. That's the new bless your heart. I wish you well. I wish you well. I can't wait for it.
I'm going to say it at some point. It's going to be iconic. I love her. Speaking of guys, like, and their buttholes, I have one more thought.
It reminded me of a story. This guy took me on a date back in my single days to a basketball game. Chic. A professional. He was, he was like a, he played in college, I think. So it was like, it was at MSG, but it was like a college game. But we were like in the front. He like knew people. They were like dabbing him up and stuff. Like it was hot. Like he was definitely trying to impress me. People don't talk about that enough. When guys, when guys like. If they're bad at dabbing, that's an ick.
Yeah. You can tell when he's not ready for the dab. And that's a real turn on to me when guys see their other friend and they naturally go together. And sometimes it's like they pull in for a hug. But also sometimes they're just like, what's up, bro? Like there's something about that interaction that gets me going. That's my porn. Watching guys dab each other. That turns me on. This guy takes on a state.
And he's clearly like trying hard and it went well. He was like tall and handsome. I think we went on one more date and he just like didn't even try to make a move. He just said put your finger up my ass. No, he literally did not try to make a move to the point that he asked me on another date and I was like this is I don't feel like anything. Yeah, you're like are you ever like what's going on? What's going on? Like I'm an adult. Yeah. I get a message.
months later from a girl on Instagram being like, hey, how do you know this man? Because I'm following him on Instagram. Don't you love when the girlies get together to just be detected? I love the secret society. And I'm ready to spill. I'll tell you everything about him. Because he is a serial killer, I want to make sure that I at least helped prevent someone from getting sliced open. So,
I was like, honestly, he was kind of he was he was cool, but like he's he didn't even like try to kiss me. Like he was super shy and like he didn't really have that much like swag. She goes, he just messaged me on Tinder asking if I would peg him. My immediate reaction is why not me? Why not me?
I'm sorry. If a girl can peg? You think that I can't get up there? As a Division I athlete. Put my cute little strap-on on and get the fucking job done? No, like, why not me? How would you feel if another girl...
It was like he wants me to peg him. Would you feel insulted? My narcissistic brain would go to, oh, he just like respected me too much. But but what I would really be annoyed at is like, oh, he couldn't really be himself with me. I was the same way at first. I'm like, I get I'm so wife material, obviously. Like I know basketball. Yeah. Or like that. He thought that you were gonna judge him. Yeah.
Or be like, no, I'm not doing that. You'd be so – it would be – you'd be mid-peg. Like, you would be like, let's get this job done. He asked me to do it. Like, I'm going to deliver it. You'd be mid-peg where you're like, I didn't think this fully through. And I feel like – I feel like I will use this in my stand-up comedy, so I'll finish the job. But I need to skedaddle. But it's funny how guys sometimes live these double lives where they go on these, like, formal dates, but then you're on Tinder just seeing which girl is down to peg you. Yeah.
And you don't think like we're going to talk. It's so funny that you bring this up because literally yesterday I was talking about this with Craig and I was like, cause he was like, Oh, I'm going on a golf tournament, like whatever weekend. And I was like, it's so funny that like all these guys are going, like just go on golf tournaments. Like we don't have an equivalent to that. And people will be like, Oh, a spa weekend. But it's like, I'm not, we're not going to a spa weekend us too. And then like some random girl, you know, who's going to bring her random friends. We're all going to meet up and like, we're going to go there. Yeah.
Like it's not like that.
And he said to me, he goes, well, golf tournament is just like a really nice way to say to your wife, I'm going on a boys trip. He goes, what sounds better? Hey, I'm going on a boys trip. Half of us are probably going to go to strip clubs. The other half of us are going to go to like a casino. Or if I say, hey, I'm going on a golf trip. That's the most Southern shit I've ever heard. And it was like my whole world stopped because I was like, wait a second. And I was like, thank God I'm me and I don't give a shit what you do. Go.
Go on a boys trip. I'm exhausted. It's basically like they have a bachelor party. Yeah. And they call it a golf trip. They're gaslighting the fuck out of all their wives and being like, babe, it's a charity golf tournament. It's for kids with cancer. That you're going to be annihilated at. You don't want to support dying children. They make you feel bad. That's wild. I love the honesty. I loved the honesty. I loved the honesty. It was also giving a little try hard. I was like, why are you telling me all of this?
No, he's like, there's gonna be titties in my face. But I call it golf. Have you ever seen the beer golf cart girls? Oh, yeah. I've gotten on some TikToks where the girls will say what the older golfers will say to them in certain uncomfortable situations they've been in. So it's not like there are no women anywhere. It's literally like being on OnlyFans, except you have to see the guys commenting you. Right.
And you have to respond to it. Right. And you have to like get them drunk. And it is kind of bottle service for the golf course. But I have this bachelorette joke that I've been doing for a while about bachelorettes and bachelor trips. And I was saying a bachelorette trip, if one girl like...
is five minutes late to brunch we're like we can't trust her yeah like we can't trust jessica anymore yeah we're men they'll invite like any random dude i'll be like didn't he fuck your sister yeah they don't care and they're like joe didn't mean it joe is fucking cool bro yeah like dudes get over stuff in an instant in a point where i'm like i don't trust i can't trust you i do envy a little bit of
of like how easily they let certain things go yeah but i shouldn't because it's they just have less brain cells like they actually can't compute like i'll watch tennis and how like men will fight on the court and then like shake hands and have a beer after where girls will get in a fight and then it's like we hate her forever no i could hate a girl forever for saying something nice to me but i knew her tone i knew her fucking tone and they'll be like but she said something nice i'm like
but did she because like she said that i always have a bob and i know how she fucking meant i made that up right like so girls are just so we're just so different because we're so much but i think because we're more emotionally intelligent yeah we have to deal with all our emotions all the time so we don't have the space to deal with jessica if she's gonna be late all the time
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Okay, here's a perfect example of like we just miscommunicate. Someone walked into Craig's store and it was like this, I couldn't really hear what he was saying, but I knew that he was like fucking with Craig. Like he was trying to like make him look stupid or something, but I couldn't hear what the guy was saying. But you knew the energy. But I knew the energy. So I turned to Craig and Craig's like being so nice, like talking back to the guy. He's like, wait, what'd you say with a smile on his face? I'm like, you stupid idiot. Yeah.
And I hit Craig and I go, hey, this guy's fucking with you. And he looks at me and he's like, oh, I don't know if he is. Whatever. The guy ends up leaving. We get back to like the house. And I was like, yo, what was with that guy fucking with you? And he goes, he was absolutely like saying rude stuff, right? And he goes, I thought you meant like he's fucking with you. He's being funny. So he was like, did we just have like a language barrier? Because I feel like when I say –
That was some north-south shit. It was some north-south shit. Because he was like, I thought you weren't reading the situation right. And I thought he wasn't reading the situation right. Either way, we both hated this guy. Doesn't it have weird eye stuff? We were on the plane and I moved my legs and the guy in front of me did a turn, like half a turn. And I didn't care.
but then i like did it again also we we got stuck on a flight that got canceled and we were like in the back back like there's no leg room and i have little legs but i still it's tight yeah and i'm you know i'm you know you're switching which legs over whatever i'm not kicking his chair i'm not a little baby right but like maybe i touched it and it was a four hour flight from salt lake city and i like guess i did again he like turned around again and then he did it like an hour later he did it again and he goes this guy fucking turns around i'm like yes don't
So we're like having this, like, we're not really saying anything, but he's looking at, he like kind of looks at the guy and I'm looking at him and I'm like, this is a tiny flight and we have three more hours. And Des is just like very protective. Yeah. Like he's never gotten into it, but he like lets me know like if I have to, but we just had this, I looked at him like, don't you fucking dare. And he looked at me like, well, if this guy does it, I'm going to say something. And I was like, well, I'm not going to do it. So the whole time I'm like, don't touch his manager. Okay.
okay wait isn't it kind of low-key a turn on when something happens and you're like I can't tell my boyfriend he'll fucking lose his mind no like there was a moment does never like cuz he's 47 he's old like in his 20s and 30s he was probably so feral but like he is like will speak up for anyone like stand up for anyone who's like getting bullied or like he'll he'll be that guy he's not scared of anyone yeah I
hate when men fight it's my biggest turn off but I want to know that you can if needed but you won't need to yes one time I was taking a picture this is this is like months ago I was taking a picture with someone and I felt like the guy was like trying to grab my ass like he was like on my back and then like went down I was just like okay this picture is gonna be over in three seconds like whatever and then I'll never see this guy again but my initial instinct was like
Oh I'm gonna tell my boyfriend But then I was like No he'll fucking Embarrass me Lose his mind The guy's gonna be like I didn't even know Like whatever There's a thin line Between embarrassing you But me in my head Knowing like If I tell my boyfriend He's literally gonna kill you If I tell my crazy boyfriend If he's had three gin and tonics You're fucking done Yeah
Either way, we love them then. So anyway, speaking of my bachelorette bit. Yeah. No. We're not happy. We're not happy. We're not happy just because... It's almost the one year anniversary of Salami Squad. One year ago, I started doing this bit about how bachelorettes are cults. And I've been doing it in clubs in New York City for like over a year. Yeah. And yesterday, all the gangways started sending me a clip of like SNL did this like bit about...
how I don't think we realize just how far widespread salami squad went and how many people did want to go well Stassi literally was like I know was like everybody was like I would never do a bachelorette like that but it made me want to and I go Stassi I would never they forced me like Paige was like we're not going to a petting zoo upstate what would we're going to 11 we would have
had an equal amount of like hilarious time but like it's funnier that like that we were in Miami doing the Miami things like we had no business. I joke like it wasn't for me it was for all of us like it was everyone's bachelorette. No I really did feel like I was getting married that next month. I was like this is my last time. Also
April Fool's was kind of crazy. I didn't deal with any of it. Like, I didn't see anything that I was like, oh my God. I got tricked by everyone. Did you? Were people like personally coming to trick you? No, it's just Instagram. Because I'm like, again, I don't like lying. So I'm just like, why would they worry about that?
Like Chris Olsen has his coffee line and it was like pink coffee. And I was like, that's fucking cool. And I was like, congrats. I did get one. I did get messed up by one thing. They said the devil wears Prada was having a movie number two. And I was like, I can't wait to tell my mom. It's so annoying. Cause it's like, why lie about that? Right. Like that's a stupid one. Then I feel like Spritz always does a funny one. They did like a, they,
Last year The other year They did like a pickle spritz Which I was like I'm into that Yeah But then Actually I'm very into that These people got me so good To the point that I Screenshotted it And was gonna talk about it On Giggly What was it?
There are two bachelor couple, Hannah, G, and Dylan. Yes. Post that they got neck tattoos. Okay. And they're like these little subtle tattoos. Wait, I did see that, but I kept scrolling. I was like, how cute? And kept scrolling. See, I saw it and I was like, no. No, you guys did not. And then the next day they were like, what do you want? Were you going to say that you were like, I kind of want one? No, I was going to say, would you ever get a neck tattoo with your mans?
I would never get a tattoo in general of like a significant other at all. I don't think. It could be Davidson. I also don't think I could pull off like any types of tattoos. I was on the phone with Sierra the other day and I literally...
Had to stop myself. I sounded like a mom immediately. She wanted to get tattooed and you were trying to tell her not to? No. She was in her bathroom, like, getting undressed or something. And I said, what is that? She got a new tattoo. She got two new tattoos. I said, were you going to tell me? And she goes, well, oh, sorry. Like, I didn't think. You know, what...
What are you going through right now? Are you okay? I was like, excuse me. You think you can just go out and get tattoos and not tell anyone? I don't even tell you when I'm changing my nail color. She was like, okay, mom, calm down. I was like, sorry. Does she have other tattoos? Yeah, she does have a lot of tattoos. Yeah, she has like little ones. The only tattoo that I thought was cool was my friend Becca. Got it without me. Blackout one night. That's when she always would do shit.
Where does Becca have a tattoo on her body I need to know Where do you think? Tramp stamp because I would love it Close She took red lipstick, kissed a napkin And then they made that a tattoo on her ass So she pulled But the thing is because she sits on her ass all the time It's like kind of faded But she has her own kiss on her ass It's amazing That is amazing Becca was the fun one that would do all that crazy shit And I would enable her
Like Becca would have shaved her head. There's just no place on my body that I am like, that's where I would get a tattoo. And I feel like that's the first step. What's the like one tattoo that when you were younger, you're like, this is going to be cool. This would be cool if I got it. I don't know. See, I didn't really go through a tattoo phase. I went through a, if I don't get my tongue pierced at some point in my life phase. And my mom was like, no. Paige. I wanted it. What was that for? I don't know. I just wanted to be in pictures and go.
You're literally the girls in Spring Breakers. I had just watched the movie 13. Do you remember when that movie came out? I need to watch it again. That was like changed the molecules in our culture. I remember I just, I had watched it and I was like, I was in high school and I was like, I think it's so cool. There were girls in high school who had it and they'd be like, yeah, like they do stuff when they're like giving head. Okay. What are they doing? Yeah. I didn't realize like that is like, it's a very sexual innuendo. Innuendo? Is that a word? That is a word.
I just... Innuendo. Innuendo. What did I say? Induendo. That sounds like a fancy spa in New Mexico. Induendo. It's part of the Amman hotels. This is now Induendo. Wow. That is literally our spa line. It's called Induendo. Induendo. What is the real word? Innuendo. Innuendo. I can't say it. I'm just realizing things. Okay.
Okay, what was I saying? You wanted to get a piercing. Oh, but it's sexual. Yeah, I didn't know that. Or maybe if you got like a silver or gold that's like cold on his dick or something, you know, people would like put ice in their mouth and be like, wow, throwback. Also, like I would never, in theory, sounds hot. That would not be hot when I'm doing it. I'd be like cold, cold, cold, cold, cold. Oh, the ice thing. Yeah. I thought when I was in high school, the only tattoo I would get, this is so bad.
dumb now that I think about it I wanted under the boob yep Brooklyn in script no I can't like you know Rihanna had the under boob thing I wanted Brooklyn my just because it's where I'm from one of my bus drivers when I was in middle school had dolphins around her belly button
did you know that why did you see your bus driver's belly button um what kind of great question that's a now that's the question that's ever thought that she my question is what the heck happened when she got pregnant what the heck happened to those dolphins yeah the dolphin turned into a whale anyhow anyhow
On to some, should we do front page news? Yeah. I have much to say. Ooh, let's go. You brought up, before we started recording, Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher and how they said that they are not giving their, and they have three kids, I want to say. They're not giving any of their children like a trust fund or like any money that they're going to donate all of it to charity.
okay i have two things one are these the same people who said they don't wash their children there's a lot of neglect there's a lot of fucking neglect i'm gonna tell you one thing if my parents were worth 200 fucking million dollars and they said make it on your own bitch i'm murdering them okay i'm making it look like an accident i'm alex murdawing the fuck out of them no matter how hard you want your kids to not be nepo babies they're still gonna be nepo babies but also that's
doesn't even make sense because like what are they not paying for their kids college or like they're just holding on to their own money until they die and then like it doesn't make sense also I'd be livid also what are you hiding like what did you do that was so bad that you have to give 275 million dollars to charity and that's the real question because where the dead bodies hidden what charity like because how do
If I'm that kid, I'm that kid. Hey, I'm a charity. Donate it to this one. Donate it. It's called Paige DeSorbo. But also like I totally understand donating stuff to wanting your kids to earn their own money, but you could put two mil aside for them. No, we're not saying don't be philanthropists. We love it. We love donating. Craig loves philanthropy. We love philanthropy. They're trying to make a statement like that. It's more about them than I feel like than it is about the kids. It's more them being like, and we're not going to give our children anything they're going to work
hard to say that like you don't need generational wealth what a privilege I've generational wealth I don't even care I've worked my whole life to marry someone with generational wealth like are you kidding life at the end of the day is about family I thought you're gonna say life at the end of the day is about money no it is about family so give your family money like that's the first thing I did when I made some money is like bought my mom a nice of course
Like that's all you do. Like that brings me more joy than me by myself. What's the point of, what's the point of making money unless you can like share it with the people around you. They should give it to their parents then. Arguably I would be the coolest billionaire on the planet. I really would. People talk about how being a billionaire is kind of insane. Like to get to the point where you make that much money means like
You have so many employees who are making so little money to get to that point. Like the Spanx founder is amazing. Apparently when she hit a billion, she gave all her employees a 10K raise because she could. That's amazing. But like there's so many billionaires that like Amazon, these people are getting paid
literally nothing no and jeff bezos is like what trying to figure out how to go to mars again like what are you running from jeff bezos it's like how bored you have to be to be like let's figure out how to go to another five-star vacations that you're like i need something more i need something wait that's it you've literally visited and traveled everywhere in the world you gotta take it outside the earth let's be honest clearly money's not buying happiness in this planet i do have to say i have an issue that like
buying stuff for myself i'd much rather get stuff for other people also i think i have trouble feeling joy so like i can't feel my own joy but like seeing someone else have joy i'm like oh now i'm allowed to feel joy that got so fucking dark so deep i have trouble feeling accomplishment
Yeah. Well, you, okay, don't do that when you said you can't feel joy. Okay, don't make me the charity case here. I know. Oh, you didn't know that. That's something you should talk to someone about. Yeah, I'm numb all the time.
You don't can't feel accomplishment. Yeah. Well, you said one thing to me that stuck in my head, which I think was like, you said, nothing impresses me anymore. Okay. I'm, yes. No, it's really, I think that was in a context of like, in terms of dating and living in New York City. Yeah. I feel like when I first moved to New York in my early 20s and like, I was dating. Guys could impress you. Yeah. I was like, holy shit. Oh, you have windows in your apartment? A Knicks basketball game?
Oh, yeah. You have windows in your apartment. Like you have a doormat. Like all this little shit. Like and I was the girl that like, yeah, your dumb Miami trip would impress the fuck out of me and my friends. Like we were gunning for that Miami trip. Yeah. Now, like a guy could say anything to me. He could have generational wealth. He could be that billionaire who's like donating it all. And I'd be like, sick. The sound of your voice makes me cringe. This means you're maturing. Yeah.
No, the sex is good. It means that you're going to be impressed by someone who is just like... Right. Like, I never want my daughter to be like, oh, my God. And he, like, drives this kind of car. Like, that will pain me. I did like Paris G-Wagon. Like, I remember when the car would turn. The seats would turn with you. I have dated a lot of guys with a lot of great fucking cars. You know what's crazy? I always liked...
I dated one guy who his he had generational wealth, like land, like lots of land, like crazy amounts of land. Landowner. Landowner. But like cash poor. Like he had nothing. No liquid. Nothing liquid. Yeah. He would borrow money from me. But yeah, there was foundation. Yeah. But otherwise, I've actually never dated a guy who like bought me anything expensive.
Like ever. Like I've never gotten a handbag. I've never got jewelry. I've always. Yeah. Because I've always dated these guys. Because we've dated rich guys. Their parents were rich. We dated Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher's children. They had no money. Guys where their parents are rich, I don't want it. I want a guy who made his own money. But the problem is guys who made their own money are cheap. So cheap. Yeah.
Yeah. Like, and I, let's think I did. I did comics who were very like, I'm not about the fame and the money. Yeah. They're for the art. They're Cole Sprouse-ing it up. Yeah. Yeah. They're here for the art. I'm like, can you put out your cigarette while we have this conversation? Jesus Christ. And pay for the fucking Uber. Like, shut up. And I also have this like thing where I always was like, I never want to be dependent with money kind of thing. But I think what happened to us is that we obviously chase money and fame. Let's be honest. We do. Well, we also chase...
Control. We want to have our own independence and power. My therapist says I need to chill out because I'm so fucking controlling in like in every situation. And I feel like that is why I started working so hard, because when I dated guys who were rich and they would control like we're going here, we're doing this. I would get so annoyed. I'd be like, but I want it to be me. I do think we're realizing, too, that as we're chasing fame, as we're chasing money, you start realizing this is.
this sounds corny but like oh it's like the small things that brought you joy no i know it's so sad like today's something i was thinking about des is in west hampton this week and i immediately i'm like are you gonna foster a dog from south hansen animal shelter yeah because he's there all week my cat's not there yep and he was like oh yeah i might and i got like
happier than I've been in like weeks just about fostering a dog I met a friend of your guys on the plane oh my god who I was flying from Charleston to New York City and I saw this girl like standing in the line and I was like I gotta find out where that girl's outfit is from so I like you're so cute imagine Paige Osobro comes up to you and be like I loved your outfit I would die I would literally die she had the perfect travel outfit on and I was like hi I just have to tell you I love your outfit and I was like where is it I would think you're making fun of me I'd be like how dare you I wouldn't
Never. You, yes. Anyone else? If you went up to me at the airport, I'd be like, shut up. Danny DeVito, I love your work. Your bracelet. It's so pretty. Where'd you get it? So I said this to her and she goes, are you Paige? And I said, yeah. And she said, I'm friends with Hannah and Des. And then I think she was with her husband. And she was like, they, I think I want to say she said they played golf together. Oh, cool. But then-
I think her name was Caroline. I think she said her husband, but now I can't remember. And then I lost them on the plane. And then like when we got off. I mean, we are very in the West Hampton community. Yeah. And I do have a show coming up in West Hampton, which is going to be fun in the summer. The girlie should come. But yeah, I learned.
That it's... It's like these little things that remind you of childhood or these little things that are like really simple and you're like, oh no. And then you're like every older person that was like, it's the small things and you're like, shut up. Shut the fuck up. They were right. And also like people start dying.
And then you start thinking like, oh no, everyone's going to die. No, I know. And then you're like, I need to call my mom. Okay, I've gotten to that point with my parents. My mom's actually had to actively start saying, like, she will try and comfort me, but she's too bitchy deep down that she can't. So she's like, Paige, stop thinking about when I'm going to die. You don't have to worry about it for a long time. By that time, you'll have your own family, your own children. You'll be ready for it. And so like, that's the sentence she says to me.
Then she hits me with, and whatever you're imagining is 10 times worse when your mom does. And I was like, my God, like that did not make me feel better. I told you that I was like crying because I saw...
Well, I cried at a guy's funeral that I'd never met. Right. But I did cry. I saw these like tea, this black tea in my cabinet. I started crying because my grandpa loved black tea and I would bring it for him whenever I'd visit him. Hannah's also going off her birth control. I was actually very out of character. And Des was like, what's going on? And I was like, this reminds me of my grandpa. You know what Des says? Suck it up.
He goes, oh, that must be nice that just your grandpa died where I don't have both my fucking parents. But yeah, cry about your grandpa. No, he's got... He's savage. Yeah, he's savage. He's savage. You are... People don't know this about you, though. You are very sentimental and very nostalgic and very like... Like, I feel like you cry at movies.
I've cried. I cried in I, Tonya. Like, I cried so hard that I had to pretend I was laughing. Like, I was like... I couldn't tell you the last time I cried during, like, a movie or a TV show. It just doesn't happen for me. Des cried during Love on the Spectrum, and I, like, wanted to marry him after. It was really cute. That is sweet. I just kept looking at him. He's like, stop. From scratch is the only thing that I've really cried that Netflix movie. My mom cried. I cried hard during that. I do have to say...
If we're getting dark about death, I've realized I'm, you know, people are like afraid of dying. Yeah. I'm like not afraid of dying. I'm not afraid of dying either. No, like if that's how I go, it's how I go. If I'm in a situation and something's happening, like everyone talks about like the apocalypse. Yeah, I'm out of here. I couldn't watch. You think I'm going to fight to survive? The last of us was this whole like apocalyptic thing. And I'm like, take me.
I'm not trying to get captured, tortured. Take me out right now. What, am I going to fight for my life for 20 years against these zombies? I can't live in a world where there is no laser hair removal. So I'm out. And for that, I'm out. Goodbye. I get upset about thinking about other people dying. Like, I can't handle other people dying. Yeah. I can't handle pets dying. I, like, literally can't handle it. Like, everyone at the funeral is fine, and I'm, like, the one sobbing. Craig and I have gotten into a lot of fights because I'll always, like,
put him in a hypothetical situation i'm like and what do you do i was a worm yeah so like one of them was like you're swimming and a shark comes up to you what's your first move he goes you punch it in the face i go oh yeah you're in the middle of the fucking ocean and a shark is coming at you and you're rounding up could you even get through the water no he was like well what would you do i said i'm out like i might even drown myself before the shark gets close
He might have not even wanted me. I'm already floating. First of all, I'm a pick-me girl. If this shark decided to choose me, I'm saying thank you. And if he swam to someone else, I am offended. I'm a little jealous. I'm a little bit like, I guess she's a blonde and you're into blondes. But any situation, I put him also in like a hypothetical plane situation. I'm like, what do you do if the plane's going down? He goes, I'm running up. This man's getting out of his seat. He's running because he knows more than the pilot at this point.
He's running to the front of the plane. He's taking control of the plane. He goes, what are you doing? I go, I'm putting my head between my legs like they fucking told me to. Like, what do you mean? What am I doing? No, there's many moments in my life where I'm where I've said to myself in my head, if this is how I go, it's how I go. Like, if this is what God wanted, this is how it happens. Who am I to fight with God's plan? Who am I? Who am I to run to the front and tell the pilot, why would it work?
I don't know what that shark's been through. Who am I? That is such like mediocre white man confidence. Dude. No, this man has so much of it. I'm like, what's it like your whole life? Just like every human being like you are the best.
You know, but that's why full circle. I think men dab each other and never get mad at each other because they're like, we're the we are the we are the superiors. Yeah, we don't have to fight like we are. Yeah, there's room for all of us. Exactly. Did we just know we're running our eggs are dry or drying up and we're just like slicing bitches out here like we are. No, we're like, I'll never talk to her again. She put avocado on my sandwich. She fucking knows I hate avocado. I'll never speak to her again.
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Becky G Do you know who Becky G is? Yes So she is another one With a hot soccer husband I've never fucked with soccer dudes I just never did Okay the one soccer dude I fucked with He was the finger in the ass guy So you might be doing Something right It's very European It is All the time It's very European I think
How many times did he cheat on you? Oh, my God. This was like a college boyfriend. Yeah. Who would how would you find out? OK. One time I found out he went away for school. So it's not like I was visiting him every weekend. And one time I called him. I FaceTimed him on a Saturday morning. FaceTime also, mind you, just come out. That's very like techie of you. I want to say I was a genius.
You're in college, maybe, maybe a senior. You're like, I did a holograph. I holographed into the room. So I FaceTimed this man. We're in college and I FaceTimed him normal Saturday morning. And the way he got, he answered the FaceTime and like, like sat up from bed. And the way he sat up from bed, my women's spidey senses. Yeah.
I was like, what are you doing? He's like nothing. And he's getting out of bed, but he's not rolling over to the side. Okay. He's getting out of bed. I go, show me the bed right now. He goes, what are you talking about? No, I'm going downstairs. I said, if you don't show me the bed right now, you'll never hear from me again. He shows me the bed quickly. Like, like a quick, there was a girl in it. There is a girl in it. My,
My mom is visiting. The best part about it, I obviously freak the fuck out. A couple hours go by. The best part about it, this woman peed in his bed. Karma's a bitch. And so I said thank you to that woman. Did you stay with him? Yeah, I think I did.
I can't remember like what ended up happening, but I think, no, we, we broke up after that, but it was like a week of like shit, like fighting and shit coming out. I love that. I love toxicity. Do you know what's fucked up?
I don't know if anyone's ever cheated on me. They have. See, that's fucking crazy. But look, the relationship. Paige. Hannah. I've dated some, like. Hannah. I've dated some. Okay. They have. The guys. Every guy has cheated. I don't believe that. I don't believe that. Okay, you and Craig are so similar because Craig prides himself. He's like, you don't give me enough credit for, like, how loyal I am. And I'm like, I don't give you enough credit for doing the right thing.
I think there's two types of guys. Yeah. I think there's cheaters and non-cheaters. I've met one non-cheater, supposedly. I don't think every boyfriend I've ever had has physically cheated, but I know the ones that didn't physically cheat, I know they emotionally cheated. Sometimes they did both. So I classify all... Well, emotionally cheat, like I'm fine with a guy having a crush. I'm not. I'm not.
On who? Well, like thinking a girl's hot. Like that's fine. It's made up in your head. He has eyes. In person, like she probably, you guys don't have the chemistry we do. She hates you. She's bad at tennis. Yeah. Like what are we doing? Have you ever laughed around her? I don't think so. So I don't mind. It's hot. Like think a girl's hot. But like messaging, that's different. That's different.
But I do think that it's two kind of people. I think cheaters are always cheaters. Okay. Question for you. Do you think a cheater can become a non-cheater? I think if he did it when he was really young and it was stupid and it traumatized him, then he will be like, he'll be taught. But I also think some, like cheating takes effort and it also is a kind of personality where like you always want more and you're deeply insecure. Yeah. If you find a guy who's not deeply, like...
Also, some guys like they're not capable, like they actually are like, yeah, like, for example, I'm going to believe his name, but like would never cheat on me. Never. Yeah. I have a few of those. Like my favorite ex-boyfriend. Never. Never. There's this comic Rachel Feinstein. She's best friends with Amy Schumer. And she just did the roast of Bert Kreischer on OnlyFans TV. I love Bert. Which I watched. You need to watch it. It's really funny. And Rachel was like practicing jokes at the stand for the roast.
And she was like, everyone thinks Bert's such a great guy because he doesn't cheat on his wife on the road. Meanwhile, I spend one weekend away from my kid and they treat me like I'm Casey Anthony. No, literally. Because there are so many times Craig's like, but I've never cheated and I would never cheat on you. And I don't even message girls. And I'm like, okay, but that's what you're supposed to not be doing. Like, and I even have girls say it to me like, well, Craig's the most loyal of any guy I know. And I'm like,
He's the best of the worst Like okay The most loyal Of every guy I know Have you dated him Like what does that even mean Yeah they're just like I've never seen him cheat on you And I've never seen him Cheat on a general And I'm just like But yeah he's not supposed to That is the bare Fucking minimum The second I want To cheat on someone I leave I literally
said the bar is so low I gotta dig for it like it's underground I'm gonna tell you how much not a cheater I am okay I've been dating this guy long distance for two years in college and we were having like ups and downs whatever but like every night we're calling I'm crying about tennis he's there for me he's amazing whatever he's awesome we dated like two years after college too whatever it's like the last time
second to last weekend in college and there's this one guy who was so hot who I'd see all over Facebook and he was like not an athlete but friends with all the athletes like hot to the point that like and you know that's my type like I want I want to take him from the bench and be like I'll mold you find a little frog yeah I'll be like you're so lucky let me change everything about you it'll be fun
I want a guy who's way hotter than me. And then I just be like, look what I got. Yeah. But I'm like not really giving him a lot of attention because I have a boyfriend. Right. And I don't want him to become obsessed with me. Yeah. He comes up to me and he's like, where are you from? And I'm like, I'm from Brooklyn. He's like, my grandma's from Brooklyn. And then we, which is so random. You remind me of my grandma. Oh my God. My grandma was so hot too. So we're talking one thing. He did have a lisp, which I did not predict. You did not anticipate that. But I remember being like,
Okay. We can work with it. Okay. Quirky. Yeah. I bet he's good on going down on girls then. We get to the bar. He was kind of hot where like the bartender was like, hey, those girls over there just got you this shot. Like the girls were buying him shots. Never in my life. And we like get zoned in. Like one of those like two hour talks where like we're zoned in and I'm at the point where I'm like, I have to tell him I have a boyfriend. So at the end, I'm like, I have a boyfriend. And he's like, really? And I'm like, he's a jazz musician. And he's like, oh, that sounds cool.
I'm like, yeah. And then he's like, are you guys breathing like that, too? Yeah. It's getting hot and steamy. He was like, well, do you want to get a sandwich? And I was like, that's the key to your heart. And I was like, you're like, I fucking love. And there was this place called Herbert and Gerberts that Becca worked at. It was there. So I was like, let's go to Herbs and Gerbs.
So this is the after party We're sitting there And I got this like Huge peanut butter and jelly sandwich I remember And a chocolate milk It was amazing And Becca's looking at me Like bitch what the fuck Are you doing
And I'm looking at her and I'm like, I don't fucking know what's going on. And we're sitting and we're still talking. Like we're like in this like incredible discussion. Like a trance. And then my apartment was like a block away next to a karaoke bar. And he walks me back and we're standing in front of my door. And he's like, I wish I met you earlier. Oh God. And I was like, I wish, I wish I met you earlier too. And you made out? No. You had sex on the street? No, I just opened the door and left.
Oh, so you didn't cheat? No. Oh my God. I thought the story was going, you had like the craziest night of sex. It was so passionate. No. So you go upstairs. Okay. And then that was it. Okay. You are so fucking lame. No, Pitt, like, would you have done it? Yes.
like trying to be like a good person here's the thing i i will say i have cheated on boyfriends before i've been in college before in my defense the boyfriends i've cheated on we're cheating on you one cheated on me first so you know i fucking love revenge and two i always cheated on them with my favorite ex-boyfriend so it's like does that even count even cheating that's just you have multiple boyfriends yeah that's just that's just a polyamorous relationship i'm just nostalgic
Okay. No, my thing is if I cheat, I know the relationship's over. Right. Because I can't get over it and I can't lie. So I was like, do I want to end my relationship right now? I don't condone cheating, obviously. But I was like in college. Yes. Same with me. I was in college. You meet this gorgeous guy and then you're like, oh my God, I could have dated him. Like we were in college together for four years and never ran into each other until that last weekend. We had mutual friends, everything. Where is he now? I don't know. I remember like he's one of those like no social media guys. Hot.
Anyway. Anyhow.
That was an intense epi. That was intense. I'm sweating. I feel like we kept just chatting. We haven't seen each other, I feel like. We have it a lot. I feel like we talked the whole time. That's crazy. It's weird how that happens. Thank you for giggling with us. Check out the link in our Instagram to get our live shows. We have our Cowgirl Western merch collection that came out. Obsessed with it. Obsessed. Especially if you're going to the shows in Texas, make sure you grab that, even if you're not in Texas, even if you're fucking Iowa. And we love you guys. And we'll see you next time. Thanks for giggling with us. Bye.
