GOP 2024: Nobody Wins 01:12:32

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What's up everybody? It's great to see you all. I'm just coming over... Okay. Just coming over here to say hello to everyone. And now I'm going back over here. We have a great show for you tonight. I guess it's not why you came. We have a great show for you tonight. Woo!

Welcome to Love It or Leave It, the It Stopped Raining edition. Every dog in Los Angeles took an enormous shit this morning and all is right with the world. And I'm feeling lighter than air too because we have Nikolai Koster-Waldau here with some optimism about something called climate change. Climate change.

Never heard it referred to positively. We'll see. Ify Wadaway is back to walk us through a few seminal moments in black nerd history. Andrew Farmer tills the headlines to find some gay news. And in honor of the best holiday, okay, we'll ask someone or something to be our Valentines. And because we have a little issue with our voicemail inbox for the high notes, you're going to do them here. So you're going to have to ask someone to be your Valentine, okay? But first, let's get into it. What a week. Woo!

Marianne Williamson announced on Wednesday that she was suspending her campaign for president. In this realm, at least. She then exploded into a thousand bats and wheeled off into the gathering dusk. Alright. Her video address began with this. I read a quote the other day that said that sunsets are proof that endings can be beautiful too. Wow. She would have given the fucking best State of the Union.

My fellow Americans, I read a quote the other day. It said that, what is grief if not love persevering? I urge the Palestinians and Israelis to dance like no one is watching. Speaking of doomed presidential campaigns, SNL alum Nikki Haley suggested that Donald Trump wasn't spending much in South Carolina because he's saving his campaign funds for his legal fees. So now it's clear why he wants me to get out of the race.

Well, sure, but he's also just winning by so much. Just demolishing her with very little effort. Why buy the cow when the milk's voting for free? To wit, in the Nevada GOP primary on Tuesday, in which Trump wasn't even on the ballot, Haley lost to the option none of these candidates by 33 points. Said Haley, yes, second place.

The harshest no thank you is the one you drive your Honda Ridgeline to the nearest high school gymnasium to cast. Tens of thousands of people got in their cars, drove across some desert town that's probably great, to vote in a primary that didn't count for no one. It's just got to be a tough blow.

A federal appeals court on Tuesday rejected Donald Trump's argument that he was immune from criminal prosecution for plotting to overturn the 2020 election because he was in office when he did it. Sucks when you think you're immune from something and then find out you're not. Remember that first summer after we all got those first two COVID shots and thought we were good? Remember that fucking moment? The light in our eyes? It was fucking beautiful. And then someone, you're like, breakthrough, breakthrough, Provincetown, then fuck.

For the purpose of this criminal case, former President Trump has become Citizen Trump with all the defenses any other criminal defendant has. But any executive immunity that may have protected him while he served as president no longer protects him against this prosecution. Lock him up. Who said that? Lock him up. Lock him up. Nope. Hey, guys. Lock him. Lock him up. Lock him up. Lock him up. Nope. Guys. Lock him up. Okay. Lock him up. All right. No.

continue the judges he is just now an ordinary man perhaps he looks like no other man you've seen with his peanut butter foundation and emperor penguin body shape perhaps he utters strings of words that no other man could conceive of in his weirdest most ambient fuck dreams but he is a man and nothing more

Fuck, muttered Jimmy Carter. So he could still go down for it. The secret thing. Steady as she goes, Jimbo. Just a little while longer. You're almost dead. What? Smile because it happened. Uh...

A spokesman for Trump's campaign said that Trump respectfully disagrees with the decision and will appeal it. Oh, for sure. Very respectfully. I'm sure he'll also courteously dox all three judges and deferentially throw a plate against the wall before calling their spouses Biden's Antifa cows.

Meanwhile, the respect didn't last long, with Trump issuing an all-caps statement on Truth Social saying, "All presidents must have complete and total immunity or the authority and decisiveness of a president of the United States will be stripped and gone forever. Hopefully this will be an easy decision. God bless the Supreme Court." "I too hope it's an easy decision," said Clarence Thomas, sending Trump a link to a jet pack he wants. "Having trouble thinking, it might be easier if I was, say, 30 yards above the ground."

Thank you. Thank you. A weird thing.

Speaking of the Supreme Court, on Thursday, the court heard arguments on another Trump legal quandary, specifically the question of whether or not Trump is disqualified from holding office again after inciting the insurrection on January 6th. So many quandaries. Every single one boils down to, hey, are we going to let this little fucker get away with this? LAUGHTER

Trump is appealing a Colorado Supreme Court decision that said he could be barred from the primary ballot under the 14th Amendment provision that says anyone who has previously served as an officer of the United States and then engaged in insurrection could not hold federal office again. The judges all seem quite skeptical that states could bar candidates from the ballot based on the insurrection provision, with some raising concerns about different states reaching different conclusions. That could get a little chaotic. I guess we better just let Trump be president again to avoid any chaos.

Said Justice Elena Kagan, I think that the question you have to confront is why a single state should decide who gets to be president of the United States. Kagan added, it seems quite extraordinary, doesn't it?

Yeah, it's a big move, but so is the insurrection. The president tried to overthrow the government. Now he's running for president again. These are extraordinary times. Get your head in the game, Kagan. No one's saying it won't be a fucking mess. No one's saying it won't be exploited by right-wing goons in the future. No one's even saying it won't blow up in our faces. But Joe Biden's eyes barely open at this point. The threat of jail time is so much a general in coursing through Trump's veins, he's the political equivalent of one of those moms that can lift a Buick off a baby. Yeah.

You're Keanu. This is speed. The tires on the bus are flat. That anxious woman already got blown out the side. And you're leaking gasoline all over the runway. Do you like your odds? No. But if you do nothing, we all blow up. Anyway...

They're going to do nothing. In one exchange, Chief Justice John Roberts challenged Jason Murray, the lawyer for the Colorado voters, on who counts as an insurrectionist and then who would decide who counts. Murray replied, there's a reason Section 3 has been dormant for 160 years, and it's because we haven't seen anything like January 6th. Sounds like somebody's never been to a Bass Pro Shop on Black Friday. Looked pretty similar to me. A lot of camo and Under Armour going fucking crazy in there.

It also sucks that it's never the cool stuff that lies dormant. It's only insurrections and cicadas. It's never the Coca-Cola recipe with cocaine in it. The worst shit. And how is Trump faring with all this? Well, speaking from Mar-a-Lago about the hearing, he threw this January 6th rewrite out there. I think it was an insurrection caused by Nancy Pelosi. Yeah, over the fucking guy. He loves talking in front of a fucking jet engine. He basically called it Nancy Pelosi's insurrection.

Trump went on to say, and of course by Nancy Pelosi, I mean Nikki Haley, who is herself a stand-in for Kamala Harris, who is of course just Hillary Clinton. And ultimately, I'd have to say it probably goes back to my mother. And it does go back to his mother. Have you seen pictures of Donald Trump's mother? It's Donald Trump in a fucking wig. That home life was not good. If I were Donald Trump's mother...

Of course, Trump isn't the only elderly person mired in legal troubles who might be president in 2025. On Thursday, I'm sorry, the Justice Department published their 345-page report on President Biden, concluding his handling of classified documents in his home, as well as his sharing of government secrets with a ghostwriter, was careless, but not criminal. We did it. Not criminal. Not criminal 2024, everybody.

Yeah. Like father, like son. You can't keep a Biden down. You also can't keep him from leaving precious secrets around. In the report, special counsel Robert K. Herr concluded that Biden willfully retained and disclosed classified materials, but that the evidence found by the DOJ does not establish Mr. Biden's guilt beyond a reasonable doubt. That's our boy covering his tracks, covering them with state secrets.

but covering them also. In less than thrilling news, the special counsel's report included several mentions of President Biden's foggy memory, saying that at one point he did not remember when he was vice president, forgetting on the first day of the interview when his term ended, and then forgetting on the second day of the interview when his term began. Like, you remember when you were vice president. Sorry, I'm stressed out. And whatever. All that stuff's on Wikipedia. We're fine. And we should have a frank, honest discussion about this after he's sworn in for a second term. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. All right. I'll take it. It happened right before he did a late, late night press conference. He was pretty feisty. He also confused Egypt for Mexico. So I'd say it all came out in the wash. We got this. Got your back, Joe. Love that guy. It's all fine. Put a fucking fight like hell for him. It's a shield. He's not, we're the people. He's the shield. It's an old shield. It's got holes in it. It's a shield.

That it's going to get us through? Probably. Maybe. But we've never used any of the other shields, even the shiny new ones from Michigan and Pennsylvania. You've never used those shields before? You think they can stop bullets? Maybe. This one definitely can. At least it could. It's going to be fine. Or not. Might not be fine. Might be terrible. Might be something we all remember as a period of time in which we were collectively making the biggest mistake of our political lives. Or it's fine. Sure, the stakes are total.

Meanwhile, President Biden was taking on the GOP over the border, calling on the congressional Republicans to show some spine. And show some hole while you're at it, you punks, continued Biden, reacting aggressively to a mid-afternoon blood sugar spike. He had an apricot. Biden said of House and Senate Republicans, many of whom pushed for this very funding, it looks like they're caving. Frankly, they owe it to the American people to show some spine. Can do, said Chuck Grassley, pulling a handful of loose vertebrae out of his pockets.

Oh, show my spine? Out of the question. Forget you saw these. Now, you may think because Republicans blocked an actual plan to address border security, they might be bashful about continuing to exploit the issue to attack the Biden administration, but you'd be wrong. The body of the border deal wasn't yet cold when they moved ahead with a vote to impeach Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas for the high crime of being a Democrat and having a name that's vaguely migrant-y.

And the vote failed. You know your party is in shambles when you can't even pull off the political theater you planned to distract from the fact that you can't govern. How stressful for Speaker Mike Johnson. His son's phone must be blowing up. For a guy who hates masturbating, he sure does love fucking himself. Yeah. Yeah.

In the Senate, after torpedoing the immigration compromise on Trump's order, a compromise that only existed because Republicans insisted on tying border funding to Ukraine and Israel funding, some GOP lawmakers came up with the genius plan of just passing the aid, which was what Republicans had blocked by demanding the border funding. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know what you want, said Democrats to Republicans in couples therapy. Sometimes it feels like you don't even know.

Republican Senator James Lankford, who negotiated with Democrats on the June border deal, said Wednesday that he'd been threatened over it. In fact, I had a popular commentator four weeks ago that I talked to that told me flat out before they knew any of the contents of the bill, any of the content, nothing was out at that point, that told me flat out, if you try to move a bill that solves the border crisis during this presidential year, I will do whatever I can to destroy you.

Because I do not want you to solve this during the presidential election. Do people really say that out loud? I will do whatever I can to destroy you? I thought that was something people only said in movies, like, look out, we've got company, or get some sleep, or I love you, son. Meanwhile, Georgia Congressman and haunted hayride jump scare Marjorie Taylor Greene got herself into a baffling, truly baffling Twitter spat with Democratic Congressman Jim McGovern this week.

First of all, nothing's older than still fighting on Twitter. Maybe they, other than like getting mad on Facebook Marketplace. But this began when McGovern mocked Marjorie Taylor Greene during a House Rules Committee hearing. We have the clip. The clowns are running the circus around here. And we're wasting hours and hours of time this week on Marjorie Taylor Greene because what? She wants to impeach somebody.

And don't even get me started on her absurd censure resolution of Congresswoman Omar that she introduced because she doesn't know how to use Google Translate. Great, solid. I do have this idea that you don't want clowns to run the circus. Like, that's for professional administrators with management experience. Why wouldn't you want a clown to run the circus? Someone with an on-the-ground experience? Someone who knows what it's like to actually be out there every goddamn night? Clowns would do a great job. They're performers. They're not clowns all the time.

I think a clown could be a great person to run a circus. You need a fucking NBA to run a circus? Ben Green quote tweeted that clip, okay? So Marjorie Taylor Greene shares that clip publicly. And she writes, this is a quote, I'm just going to read it in full.

Wow. This is coming from the same guy who is well known to lay his suit jacket on the actual bathroom floor while spending a lot of time in the stall of the first floor bathroom of the Capitol. Ew. That's probably when he comes up with all of this poop emoji. What on earth does this mean? Okay. It is a baffling innuendo. So...

Spends a lot of time in there. How dare you call me and insult me? You take very long poops. This is America, all right? Everybody's taking long poops. So I don't even understand. First, like, who? What? Then there's this idea, like, what is she implying? Did anybody have a sense of what she might be implying from laying your jacket down on the floor? Like, we discussed this at a very important meeting that we had before this program, and

And Sarah's best explanation is that at one point during one of his saga-like BMs, he hung up his jacket and it fell to the ground. And then someone clocked that and then told Marjorie Taylor Greene because we're governed by the dumbest motherfuckers on planet Earth. But does anybody have any other explanation for what the innuendo might be that he takes too long in the bathroom and lays his suit jacket on the floor?

So your question is, why is she in the men's room? McGovern fired back, no idea what you're talking about. What are you doing in the men's bathroom? Aren't you late for a Klan meeting? Yeah, okay. And she said, how dare you, sir? Oh my God, it's three? I've got to get across town. The Grand Wizard will be furious. It's my day to bring Capri Suns and orange slices. I just want to kind of diagram the path of this fucking...

roast battle. You're a clown. Oh yeah? You take long shits. Oh yeah? You're in the Ku Klux Klan. These are just two people trying to point a fire hose at each other. Kind of losing control. Marjorie Taylor Greene should not be an elected official. She should be stirring up drama at a private school Sadie Hawkins dance before getting dropped from a Stanley Cup Hunter's text chain for insulting a child. She's been taken out of her natural habitat and it's driven her insane like a gorilla that picks off all its hair.

In Connecticut, Governor Ned Lamont announced last week that the state will cancel $1 billion in medical debt for 250,000 residents, making Connecticut the first state to wipe out medical debt on a massive scale. So remember, everybody, if you need emergency surgery, have it in Connecticut five years ago.

In Amazon's 2023 financial filing released on Friday, the company warned investors that climate change could fuck with its profits. But on the bright side, the filing said, Amazon would face less brand confusion after that pesky rainforest dies off. According to federal investigators, the Alaska Airlines plane that lost a door plug mid-flight last month seems to have left the Boeing factory without four bolts needed to keep it attached. Classic Boeing. They always try to upsell you on the fucking bolts. LAUGHTER

Boeing apologized and offered to give Alaska Airlines a store credit for four bolts now, or they'd return the cost of the four bolts to Alaska Airlines' credit card in seven to ten business days. Fuck, these bolts, said the employee looking around with four bolts in his hand. Are those four bolts in your pocket, or are we hurtling towards the surface of the earth? Too terrified to even scream. You think they'll be screaming, but once it's really scary, they do go quiet. Something to think about. That's true, that's true. I think Titan.

an event like this must not happen on an airplane that leaves our factory we simply must do better for our customers and their passengers said boeing ceo david calhoun wondering if he'll ever find that carnival machine to turn him back into a child he's fucking in over his head he's just a big kid country star toby keith died monday from stomach cancer at age 62 which is obviously very sad not a fan of his music but i loved his politics

And finally, a white woman who was controversially named Miss Japan two weeks ago has relinquished her crown following allegations that she'd been having an affair with a married man. Miss Japan, I sure do. Very fast trains. Yeah, that's right. Up next, I'm feeling optimistic. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

Each year, the International Rescue Committee's Emergency Watchlist Report assesses the 20 countries at greatest risk of new or worsening humanitarian emergencies. These countries are home to only 10.6% of the world's population, but carry a disproportionate burden of global humanitarian crisis. The civil war in Sudan has left over 24 million in need of humanitarian aid.

while armed conflicts and natural disasters have displaced 1.26 million people in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. And Gaza has become the deadliest place for civilians in the world. Donations help the IRC provide families affected by humanitarian crises with emergency supplies in the aftermath of a crisis,

and with the resources they need to recover and rebuild their lives for the long term. Just $14 can provide a temporary shelter for a displaced family, and $72 can provide two months' worth of emergency food for a child. Donate today by visiting rescue.org slash rebuild.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. What are your self-care non-negotiables? Maybe you never skip leg day or your skincare routine or therapy day. I have to tell you, I am a creature of routine. And I walk pundit. I get the same quad espresso every morning from Starbucks. Oh, and I also do go to therapy, although I did cancel therapy last night to do Anderson Cooper. Ha ha ha!

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Obviously, you should not do what I did. You should all be in therapy and stick to it. And by the way, I also did Chris Hayes. So it's like therapy or Anderson Cooper plus Chris Hayes is a no-brainer. It's a no-brainer. As is you getting therapy, betterhelp.com slash L-O-V-E-T-T, betterhelp.com slash love it.

The election is less than 100 days away. Oof. Wow. That might sound scary, but it also means you still have 100 days to donate and volunteer your ass off. And whether you're falling out of a coconut tree or anxiously clinging to one, now is the time to volunteer, donate, and canvas your ass off.

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And we're back! Please welcome to the stage, he's a UN Goodwill Ambassador, star of Game of Thrones, and owner of the best head of hair I've ever seen since I looked in the mirror. Please welcome to the stage, Nikolai Koster-Waldau. Hi, thank you for being here. Thank you. All right. Hey guys. Come on. So nice to have you. You host the perfectly named new docuseries, An Optimist's Guide to the Planet. Yeah. In general, I feel like

I'm going to make an analogy that people aren't going to like. So people think that if a nuclear bomb goes off, you're dead. You're not dead. You're probably going to live. And that's scary because the choices you make after it goes off are really important. Sometimes I think climate change is like that. People think it's a bomb that's going to go off and they're dead, but they're not dead. You're going to live and there's stuff you can do. You know what I'm saying? I know what you're saying. I feel it. And is that the kind of optimism that you do on the show? No. No.

It's an interesting thing, the challenges that we face, that the climate change, it's, I think the balance in how we communicate that has fallen off the wrong track because we forget to talk about the fact that this show is about that there are incredible solutions and they are being implemented and there are actually politicians that do their job and make the difficult decisions.

Yeah, I think sometimes it's harder to think about a problem like this. Oh, Optimus Prime. It's really good. Oh my God. Do you see that I'm in the sun for no reason? Oh, that's like, what are they called? Teletubbies. Teletubbies. Oh yes. Make that into a t-shirt. Make that into a t-shirt. All right, we'll put it on the list.

Yeah, because I do think that sometimes psychologically it's easier to say, oh, there's nothing I can do. There's nothing that can be done. The problem feels so big and vast. But actually we live in this sort of middle where we really have a chance to make things happen and people are doing that. Yes. But I also think there's another thing that if you get scared...

And especially a lot of young people are really scared. And then half of young people in the Western world don't believe in the future, believe we're doomed. If you're scared, you get angry because it's really uncomfortable to be angry. So we start doing this. Yeah. How dare you live like that? You're ruining my life. You do this. I was in Greenland. I was going through this airport and I look over and there's a lady who walks by and I'm like, that's...

That was Martha Stewart just walked by. And I was like, "That's funny." And then a couple days later she posted online that she was in Greenland, she was enjoying it and she had a drink. And she put like this and she said, "Look, I have some ice from an iceberg in Greenland." Which is something everybody does in Greenland. It's very normal.

And there was this outcry of people saying, "How dare you Martha Stewart, you leave the ice alone! The climate change is bad enough!" And I think, but what that shows is that we are, like that fear makes us do stupid things and not really think. And that's important to, because we've had some, I mean it's so important to talk about the dangers, but the fact is,

Humans are incredible. We are amazing. And we're so lucky to travel all over the world. We meet people everywhere and they're coming up with solutions and it's already being implemented. There is hope. And we have the most vital resource and that's us. And we have to stop fighting each other. And you know what? I have to ask you because now I'm in the US and of course I'm from Europe and you keep hearing about people being divided. You're a divided country. And

I just think sometimes if you don't look at your screens and you don't follow the cable news, how many assholes do you actually meet on a day-to-day basis? You don't. I mean, most people are good people. No, no, that's true. I just think people drove here. LAUGHTER

And it's real bad out there. Something has changed in Los Angeles and people have lost it out there on the roads. But no, I take your point that people are much more generous and off people's phones people are open, on their phones they're closed. People are collaborative when they're not on their phones. They are more angry. No, but also we're not that different. The idea that because you vote for that party or that party, also you only have two parties. No, yeah, it's a whole fucking thing.

By the way, is there a problem with math in the U.S.? Yeah. Because it seems like 80 million people forgot that this guy they elected three years ago, that he got older. And now it's like a big issue that he's old. No, it's really people. My God, he's old? Hey, you know what was wild about that whole Martha Stewart thing? It did turn out she was there to do fracking.

No, she wasn't. It's true. Yeah. But that's such a Martha thing to do. No, it was wild. She was, and I don't think she needed to wear all those sea otter coats. Hey. But she's, you know, but, you know, she's the best. Now, Nikolai, you're optimistic. Yes. And why shouldn't you be? Look at that jawline. You know what I mean? You get to walk around with that thing.

So it's time for a segment we're calling, as you can see, Optimist Prime. Yes. And here's how it's going to work. I'm going to ask you about optimistic things about the future related to climate change and then just life. I like it. In your first episode, you talk about hydroelectric power, which was a potential power source that was touted forever, right? What's the holdup? We've had Earth Day. We saw Fern Gully. LAUGHTER

Is there more effort to make hydropower and other ways of using... No, but the thing is, the problem with renewable, of course, is storage of energy, right? So wind is blowing. We have a lot of wind power. When it's not, we don't. Storage is an issue. We went to Switzerland. We went to this incredible hydropower plant there.

And what they've done, they have two lakes. It's astounding. And then when they have excess power, they pump the water back up. So it's this never-ending loop. So you now, you have built-in storage. And of course, these big things take time. It took 17 years to build it. But you go there, you just go, holy shit, this is incredible. Again, humans did that, right?

How often do people just stop you on the street and give you a sandwich and just say, wow, you're handsome? It happens all the time. Really? Yeah, three times today. Three times today? That's so cool. One theme that emerges in the show is how different parts of the globe have already begun dealing with climate change. There's an architect in Vietnam in the second episode who designed a building that can remain cool without air conditioning and by using bamboo. But on the other hand, whenever I'm in a LEED-certified building, it's so stuffy. LAUGHTER

You know, you see that and you're like, nah, I'm going to be hot. I know. Yeah, it's a good point. Um...

Again, so many solutions are already there in nature. And what you find out is that temperature is rising, especially in the cities, because the sun is reflected from the buildings. If we put in trees, greens, we'll lower the temperatures. And that's what this guy's doing. And it makes you feel better as well. There's an added bonus. I recently ate the congealed fat at the bottom of a rotisserie chicken that I bought at Gelson's. And then I threw up.

Do you think... So, Gelson's is this very fancy supermarket, right? Yeah, it's nice. Yeah, no, I'm sure it's nice. I think I went in there. It's like the prices are insane, though. Right? But the chicken's a loss leader, people. I'm sorry. Do you think you're better than me? No. Listen, we're both trying to trick people to enjoying content about climate change. This is part of it. Oh, they don't need to be tricked. They don't even need to be tricked. That is so good.

Boeing can't even keep the doors on their planes. How are we going to get these things to run on french fries? I mean, that's the thing. Someone came up with it. Company in Berkeley, California called 12. They actually they've been able to copy what plants do in real life and basically break down CO2 at source. It's incredible. Over to you.

You say in the show that meditation can help you with the feeling of existential dread. No, I don't say that, but he does, the architect. The show talks about it. He gives me this amazing meditational tour. It's incredible, but go ahead. Did you learn how to meditate when your mind is screaming 24-7, kind of like a mutter scream? Do you know what a mutter scream is? No, but please. I'll do an impression of it. Thank you. It's like this. Oh! Oh!

Do you have any idea what this was? I listened to it. On your way here today? Yeah. Hell yeah. But my good friend, when he heard that I was going to come on this show, he was like beyond excited. Really? Yeah, he can't wait to listen to it. He's so, I mean, he's your biggest fan. Oh, really? Yeah. Do you regret coming here so far? No, I enjoy it.

Is there anything else you want to tell us about the program? Listen, just watch the show. Just watch it. Just watch it. The first episode of Optimist Guide to the Planet is out today on Bloomberg.com and the Bloomberg app. It's really great. Everybody should check it out. I went zero waste for a week once and then I had to go to the doctor.

I did that two weeks once. Two weeks? Yes. Wait a second. What? I did it two weeks. I was very young. I went to Tunisia. I was traveling with a bunch of friends, and they all got the thing. And I don't know, psychologically, my whole thing just stopped. To protect you. Shut down for two weeks. It just shut down. Wow. I came home. My stomach was up. And then I sat down. We come back. We get nerdy.

Coming up for Nikolai. I'll be back in a bit. And we're back. Please welcome to the stage, friend of the pod and king of the nerds, Ify Wadaway. Hello. Good to see you again. Good to see you. Oh, my God. What a man. What a man. Get in here. I love that shirt. Thank you. It's the Nigerian Naira. Cool. Yeah, yeah. There's one Nigerian who got excited about it and everyone else was silent. I'm into it. They're more into the pounds.

Or the Euro. Yeah. Or the lira. Oh, or the peso. Or the peso. Or the yuan. Or the yen. What video games are you playing? Right now I've been playing a lot of Warhammer 40,000 Rogue Trader. Wow. Yeah. I don't know it. Did you? Were you into Baldur's Gate? I have Baldur's Gate on my list. I played Lies of Pi because I love a Soulsborne.

And, you know, is it a blatant and brazen ripoff of Bloodborne? Yeah, it is. But I like Bloodborne. Yeah. You know what I mean? And they won't make any more. So they're like, all right, we'll do it. They're not making any more. Well, you know, we've been waiting for another Bloodborne forever. So Liza P was like, don't worry, we'll do it. It's like, hold on, here's my favorite fun fact. In Utah, there was a place called Chatters, which was a bootleg In-N-Out because In-N-Out for the time was only in California and like Nevada. Yeah.

And so they were like, so In-N-Out took them to court because they were like, this is a bootleg In-N-Out. And they were like, well, you don't have an In-N-Out in Utah. So then they made an In-N-Out in Utah. That's cool. Yeah, yeah. Like every once in a while, Sony has to make a godforsaken Fantastic Four movie so they don't lose the rights. Yeah, exactly. It's like that. Yeah.

It's like, don't look at this. Hey, did you see that? Speaking of this, I think this vaguely fits into nerd culture. Did you see that there's a conspiracy theory that Sony is tricking actors into being into their comic book movies by making them think it's a Marvel movie? Oh. So whenever someone announces that they're in a Sony Marvel movie, like Madame Web or one of those, they tag Marvel Studios on Instagram and then they fire all their agents. Yeah.

I think that's cool. What do you think about escape rooms? You know, it's a way to yell at your friends, you know? Because there's always only two people who are good and everyone else is in the way, you know? Yeah. And I'm the one who's good. You know, I'm in there solving clues. No one's giving me credit. They're like, oh yeah, that's what I was going to do. You weren't going to do this shit. You wasn't putting fingers in the clock. I was putting fingers in the clock.

I sometimes think you get into an escape room, you get too intellectual with it. Oh, yeah. And you forget to say, no, no, no, the answer's here. Yeah. Also, there's never a time where I regress more than when it comes to the moment where you've unlocked the box and inside the box is a new piece and there's two of you standing there. There's never a moment where I was like, hey, you take it. No, I want that fucking next puzzle piece. My brain's the only brain that can crack this one here at this strip mall.

I also just want to... There's an escape room that has these actors here in L.A. called Ministry of Peculiarities, which is awesome. Okay. That's all I wanted to say about that. For you, while we're on the subject of escape rooms, do you feel like the lore that they add to it helps? Because sometimes I'm like, just let me get out of here. Just lock me in a room. I'll figure it out. When it's like, you are helping...

Dr. Frankenstein. I was like, he's dead. What do you mean? Let me, let me hear it. I go fully into it. Really? Bring, bring, oh, it's a, it's a haunted mansion and only I can find where they buried Mrs. Danforth. I'm fucking in. Wow. What do you want? Just numbers on a wall? Yeah, yeah. Just let me figure it out. I'm going to break out, you know? Life is a prison, you know? Speaking of, it's Black History Month. Yeah. Yeah.

That's a good transition. That's a good transition. Hey, chill out. It's a good transition. There's a lot of laughter, not enough applause for the black guy on stage. Thanks for getting me out of it. I got you. So you've agreed we're going to talk about some seminal moments in black nerd history. Yeah, yeah. And so now it's time for Moments in Black Nerd History. Yes. Yes.

I don't know about that. Yeah. I don't know about that graphic. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's good right there. I actually like that.

Were you a big Power Rangers fan? Yeah, I was. You know, I grew up on it, the Super Sentai series. So you know the whole thing about it, right? That it was the Super Sentai series in Japan, and so they would send it to the U.S., and Saban would then just add interstitial bullshit with our actors. So my first moment in black nerd history is when we had the first black Red Ranger, which was Power Rangers Turbo. I remember that. I was a child. I was very hyped.

My brother didn't believe it could happen. And then here you are. That's TJ. He was the Red Ranger for one season. Then he got demoted to the Blue Ranger. What? Yeah. Yeah. When they went to space. There's like, black people don't know space. Like, they went to space. But yeah, that's Selwyn Ward. You know, I definitely wanted to give him his props. You know. Yeah. Yeah.

I always like... So, yeah, they film these interstitials and then they would cut to these battle scenes. Yep. And they're just... They're these extreme, like, basically dances. Yes. With the American actors doing voiceover, like, oh, no! Yeah. Yeah.

It was great because, like, once... I didn't figure that out until I was an adult, but that's how I know I could never be a Power Rangers. Because, you know, I got a dump truck ass. So, like, if you saw... When you cut to the Japanese footage, you're like, nah, that ain't if he's ass. Doesn't match. That ain't if he's ass. Doesn't match. He's back in a wagon. Yeah, there's no dump truck. Where's the dump truck? Yeah, yeah. That's a dump truck. Next up, the planet...

Namek. Namek.

and showed them stepping up to the plate. So you had Piccolo who was watching over Gohan while Goku was dead. You know all this, right? - Of course. - Yeah. Like when we went to Planet Namek in DBZ, I feel like this is when we all realized like, yeah, these are black people, especially when we had Dinde, who I think is in the next slide. And that's just an African name. Like, you know, Dinde, like, come on now, that's a black guy. Like, don't even feel bad about it. I'm telling you as a black person, you're allowed to look at this and be like, yeah, that's a black person.

Dragon Ball Z exists to me from freshman year of college when one of my roommates would get just so fucking high and watch Dragon Ball Z. And it felt like he was looking at the Matrix because I'm like, what are you? Why? It was like a lot of colors and there's people changing. Yeah, Dragon Ball Z was a huge part of my life. Yeah, there's the Dragon Ball Z tattoo right there. You have a Dragon Ball Z tattoo? Yeah, overnight.

9,000. Wow. Yeah, yeah. It was big. It's the whole reason I'm buff as shit. I was like, oh, that's something you can do with your body. And I went to the gym. So... I just waited for you over so that they would let me use my Sega Dreamcast. Shout out. Shout out Sega Dreamcast. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Not a lot of fans, but...

If you know, you know. Have you gotten to the point of aging nerd where you started buying old systems yet? Because I have an N64, a Dreamcast, I have a GameCube. I was playing SSX Tricky on there. And then I go snowboard for real and I was like, I can't do this shit. I will tell you something. I know this seems wild. Did not occur to me I could do that. Hadn't thought about it.

I'm going to do that when I get home. Yeah, no, it's, I can just go on the internet and buy an N64. I can do that whenever I want. Yeah, you can just do it. I can go buy one. Yeah, because my dad did not give me a Dreamcast. He was like, if you do not need a Dreamcast, you need better grades. And I was like, no. Uh, so, like, now I have a Dreamcast and because of my friend Heather Ann Campbell, shout out to you, uh,

They're remaking the VTM system. You remember how the memory card was like a little game? They have it now where it's rechargeable. So now I have Sonic Adventure, which costs way too much money. My girlfriend keeps asking me to stop, and I was like, I got it, baby. This is how I do it. Do what? I don't know. She hasn't asked yet. Yeah.

Kanye West referenced a series in his song Gorgeous from the album My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy where he compares himself to Goku saying, I treat cash the way the government treats AIDS. I won't be satisfied to all my ends. Get it, get it. These other rappers... Say it. Yeah. Say it. No. Yeah, no, yeah, for sure. Get closer to me. Why did we include all the lyrics before Goku? Anyway, blah, blah, blah, Goku.

Care to comment? Yeah, you know, there was this, this is part of the timeline where there was like many similarities between me and Kanye West. And then we broke off like four years ago. Like it really hard left, you know, I'm a fan of Jewish people. Just want to say that. And I thought, and by the way, we know, we know you're on, you're on the good list. You know, like Sam, you know, we have the, you know, friend of the Jews. Yeah.

It's not as long as you want it to be. Yeah. And getting shorter, says somebody in the front row. Yeah. Okay. Now, today, there was the announcement that Idris Elba was going to return as the voice of Knuckles. Yes.

This is a great moment. Sonic and Knuckles, great moments in black history because Knuckles is black. We've all known this. I mean, he has dreadlocks. He has better kicks than Sonic. You know, he got hands. You know, like, the list goes on. So, you know, we definitely knew. So when they were like, Idris Elba's going to voice Sonic, they were like, I'm glad that me, Sega, we've all confirmed what we've always known. Knuckles is black. I've had a long list of...

from nerd properties that, you know, are black that people might not know about. Who else? Proto Man from Mega Man. He got those cool-ass shades. Black, you know? Like, that's definitely it. Um...

NFL football robot that he's black for sure. Yeah. No, I get that. Don't repeat this if you're not black, but definitely the Donkey Kong family is black-coded. If you look at Funky Kong, he wears a do-rag. It's something I'm not proud of, but I'm like, no, y'all did that shit. He got that shit on, bro. He got that shit on.

Like, look at Funky Kong. Y'all don't have a picture now, but when you get home, Google Funky Kong, you're like, damn, this is a brother. Like, I'm not going to say it if I'm not black, you know, but. I think Dr. Robotnik may be Jewish. Yeah. I don't know. I'm just something we should talk about at some point. Let's give him something to dug him out. To close out, we want to challenge you, Ify, to a single potent round of Fuck, Marry, Be Killed. Okay, yeah.

With three video game characters, three villains. Okay. We have Bowser. Okay. We have Lilith from Diablo 4. Oh. And we have Tears of the Kingdom's Hot Ganondorf. Okay. One will kill you, one you will marry, and one you will have sex with. Okay. Okay.

Well, see, this is hard. I look at someone, Lilith, and I'm like, cool. It's like, you look good. I love a strong woman who knows what she wants. But there's like a culture mismatch. I'm a soft dom. She's a evil dom. 100%. And I feel like that is going to be a mis... Like, who's whipping who? She's trying to whip me. I'm trying to flog her. It's bad. But...

But, you know, I feel like, you know, I'd be willing to lean switch for Lilith. So I'd say fuck Lilith for sure. Yeah, yeah, definitely. We're going down in the gates of hell. She's ripping my skin off in weird ways. Sure.

No safe word. We're just going for it. Just nonstop. Holding on to horns. It's a time. I've thought about this. Apparently. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've thought about this. This is not something you were prepared for, but you have a fully conceived idea of how it goes down. Yes. Fully wrapped. All around. Fully baked. Yeah. Uh-huh. You know, now this is hard because I feel like...

these are two eligible bachelors that I could marry, you know? Yeah.

You know, we know that Ganondorf's dick game is crazy because the Gerudo people, there's only one male who's born after a certain number of years who then has to impregnate all of the Gerudo women who are all tall, tan, thick. Sure. Have you played Breath of the Wild? I have played Breath of the Wild. Yeah, yeah. So you know you're in the Gerudo village and you're like, these are women who hit you, you know? For sure. Yeah.

You know, like, you know, I think about, you know, Glorilla. Glorilla, she seems like she punched me in the chest, and I'd say thank you, you know? Ganondorf is built different. Bowser is bad at everything, you know, but he tries, you know? He's like... He loves love. Yeah, he loves love. He wants to do everything he can. He got so many kids, and he puts them to work, which is, you know...

reminds me of my Nigerian upbringing, you know? Sure. No, I... He's like, if you come down here, pass me the remote. It doesn't matter that it's in front of me. You know, like, Bowser understands that. Culturally, we're a match, you know? Uh...

But if I got down to it, I like, you know, being two thick, hot fellas. Like, I'm thinking about me and Ganondorf holding hands, walking around shirtless. Sure. You know, we're both tan, our dark skin glistening in the sun, melanin popping, you know. Right. Just arms around each other, glistening. A lot of detail. Old up, ready, ready.

Both thick. So I would definitely say Ganondorf is who I would marry. And I would pick killed by Bowser because he'd be bad at it. He wouldn't succeed ever. Like, how many times? Get a gun. You could shoot Mario. Like, he has not...

defeated a gun yet. You know, like, shoot Mario. It's such an important point. You see him in Smash Brothers? You know, Solid Snake snapping his neck every time. So why can't Bowser do it? It is wild. It's like, I've sent flowers. I've sent turtles. I'm out of ideas. Yeah. I would simply buy a gun. Simply buy a gun. Yeah, so Bowser is definitely kill me because you're not going to win. And that's correct. Yeah. Uh...

Guys, give it up for Ify. Listen to his podcast, Maximum Film. When we come back, it's time for Gay News. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. The election is less than 100 days away. Oof. That might sound scary, but it also means you still have 100 days to donate and volunteer your ass off. And whether you're falling out of a coconut tree or anxiously clinging to one, now is the time to volunteer, donate, and canvas your ass off.

Canvassing is an especially great way to make a difference to get the word out about important candidates and valid initiatives where you live. Sign up to Canvas at votesaveamerica.com and then head to the Crooked store to pick up a canvassing kit. This is all the essentials for a day of door knocking, including a clipboard, pens, band-aids, a tote bag, and more. Get one to motivate yourself to canvas more or send them to your friends in swing states. Matching clipboards are the new matching friendship bracelets. Go to crooked.com slash store to get your kit.

And we're back! Please welcome to the stage a hilarious performer, host of the Scary Stories to Tell on the podcast, and my comrade in gay arms, it's Andrew Farmer! Good to see you! Welcome back! Welcome back! Get in here! Thanks for having me back, everybody. Andrew, can you believe that it was two years ago we were doing shows in my backyard and you were playing a Tesla critic trapped in a runaway car and now Elon Musk is visiting Auschwitz?

What he is. Time flies, is all I'm saying. Hey, what's it like having a husband? That's a good question. Hairy. Okay. Advantageous during tax season. Yeah, that seems cool. Yeah, yeah. My parents are thrilled because they can get us the same beard maintenance kit every Christmas. Yes, perfect. Now it's time for a Valentine's Day edition of Gay News. You remember Gay News, right? We go ba-da-ba-ba-da-ba-da, Gay News. Gay News, yep. Hit it, Brian.

Okay. Oh, is this going to keep playing the whole time? Okay. But up, up, it up, gay news. Conservatives online flipped out over a new Netflix show that depicts Alexander the Great as bisexual, even though historians say they have evidence he had ongoing relationships with both men and women. Alexander wept, for there were no more sexes to conquer. But up, up, it up, gay news. Gay news.

Conservatives hate it when something is politically correct, and they're not huge fans of regular correct stuff either. Said one conservative, "The woke mob is coming for all of our heroes. Who's next? Plato? Julius Caesar? Franz Fabulous, the inventor of the feather boa?" Bada-bada-bada, gay news.

Ryan Murphy's feud, Capote vs. the Swans, starring Naomi Watts and Tom Hollander, premiered on FX, where it follows a glamorous group of New York socialites whom Truman Capote befriended and betrayed by publishing their intimate secrets in Esquire. Gay guy being a fabulous little bitch is an underrated part of queer history, and also my favorite part. Oklahoma State Republicans introduced a bill Monday that would attempt to ban pride celebrations or rainbow flags on state property at any time of year.

You can say it's bigoted, but it's part of a long and noble tradition of Republicans making sure that male leads in Oklahoma high school musicals actually go through with their plan to move to New York. Look, I want Oklahoma to be as safe for gay kids as a Los Angeles charter school that lets queer teens identify as mushrooms. But Broadway will suffer.

Gay news. While ranting about January 6th insurrectionists being charged for breaking the law, Charlie Kirk suggested that they should have stripped naked and filmed themselves having gay sex to escape punishment. You don't have to strip naked to have gay sex, objected one person who was just walking by. That's right. Gay news. A solemn gay news. Yeah, a solemn gay news.

The topic of lesbian bar etiquette set the algorithm aflame this week after a straight woman posted to TikTok complaining that a lesbian bar patron had asked her straight male friend why he was in New York's famous and famously small lesbian bar cubbyhole. She became suspicious after the actual female body inspector arrived for his regular evening shift. Where else are straight men supposed to go where they feel welcome if not a lesbian bar? Anywhere else on the planet except maybe the American Girl doll store unless they're with someone else and then it's also fine?

The straight woman pointed to the amount of very obviously flamboyantly gay men that were in that bar that were not being approached and yelled at as evidence that her straight friend was wronged. Based entirely on the lesbians I work with, approaching and yelling at you is just their standard greeting. They're a direct and gruff people. There are no pleasantries with lesbians. You have to learn their customs. For example, never show a lesbian your back. You have to puff up your chest to keep your eyes on the lesbian.

And carefully walk backwards until you've reached your vehicle, the safety of a Brandy Melville. So if a lesbian is intimidating you, the worst thing you could do is turn around and try to run. They're fast. They're fast. They're fast. What you got to do is you put your arms out. You put your arms out. You got to puff up and you go, hey, lesbian. Hey, no, lesbian. What?

They sell lesbian spray, but you gotta be careful. It sprays back. It comes back at you. It comes right back. It'll come right back on you. You gotta watch the wind with that lesbian spray. But I'm opening up gay news. Gay news.

According to the National Center for Transgender Equality, nearly half of America's transgender people have considered moving to another state due to anti-trans legislation, while the other half is considering to jumpstart their industrial house synthwave power pop careers. Bada-bop-bada-bop, gay news. Pope Francis took issue with conservatives angry he sanctioned the blessing of same-sex couples last month. But as soon as that pink smoke came out of the Vatican, everyone knew it was going to be a woke pope. Starring Jude Law.

Nobody gets scandalized if I give my blessings to a businessman who perhaps exploits people, and this is a very grave sin, the Pope told Italian Catholic magazine Cradere. But they get scandalized if I give them to a homosexual. This is hypocrisy. Now, personally, I subscribe to the Italian Catholic magazine Cradere for the spicy centerfolds, but I do think the Pope made an excellent point. Whoa, Pope! Whoa, Pope! Whoa, Pope! Whoa, Pope!

This week, Valentina Gomez, a Missouri Republican running for Secretary of State, posed a video in which she set fire to a pile of LGBTQ library books with a flamethrower. I have a number of questions for Gomez. First among them, what do you think the Secretary of State does? I guess they didn't spark joy. It's 2018. Look, I know that this person wants attention, and I know this is a rhetorical question,

But how can you do a literal book burning and not realize you're the villain in the story? Where do you look to find a role model in the book burning? When Atticus Finch burned all those books and Mario and Princess Peach beat Bowser and burned all those books. Burned all those books. You got it. They're never the heroes, the people burning the books. Right, right. Never. Right? Unless they're like got bugs. Right.

Sorry. Then you gotta burn the bugs. Then you gotta burn them. Because the bugs come back. Because the bugs will come back. Like the lesbian spray. Bump it up. Gay news. In his new memoir, Billy Dee Williams recalls politely turning down Marlon Brando after the On the Waterfront actor propositioned him, telling the star, I prefer women. Williams said of the come on, I've been getting hit on all my life. Gay, straight, whatever. Somebody's always hitting on me. Same, Billy Dee Williams. Same. Same.

Oh, by the way, anybody want to go to Buca di Beppo with me on Valentine's Day? It's just hard to go to a family-style restaurant alone. Do you know... This is off-card, but I believe Buca di Beppo in Italian translates to Beppo hole? Yes. Or Beppo mouth? No, no, hole... No. Oh, yes, you're close. Hole mouth. No. What is it? It's something weird. It's someone's hole. It's like Uncle Hole. I think it's like Bill's hole. I'm taking my family to Bill's hole.

And you know what? It's a great hole. Yeah. Gotta get that shrimp marinara somewhere. Okay. And finally, nearly 30% of Gen Z identifies as being part of the LGBTQ community. And nearly 50% of millennials answered, would be if I were growing up now, but I'm married. So it's like, what's that conversation? But anyway, really appreciate you asking. I'm going to go get my slob of a husband more grapes and then stare out the window until my tits hit the ground.

Woke Pope, Woke Pope, Woke Pope, Woke Pope, Woke Pope. And that's gay news.

Guys, everybody check out Andrew's podcast, Scary Stories to Tell on the Pod. What kind of stories do you tell on the pod? Scary ones, mostly. I know it's a very misleading title. Like what's a scary story? So we started with a series of books called Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, but now listeners send us their own scary stories. And the most recent one we had was about a woman's baby who can see into other dimensions. Huh. Yeah, yeah. Pretty good. And completely true.

I had a dream. Everyone's like, no, I don't believe in it. I had a dream where I was on the phone with a friend and then I got killed by a car, but I was still on the phone and if they hung up, I wouldn't exist. That is very scary. I sometimes see a bald, naked man walking through my house right before I fall asleep. And that's your husband. Yeah. And that's what marriage is all about. My husband has a full head of hair. Wow. Wait a minute, that's cool. Don't look under the seam. Yeah. Uh,

And you're on, so your pod's out every Tuesday, and Praise Petey, which you wrote and acted on, is currently streaming on Hulu. That's correct. When we come back, it's time for Valentine's. And we're back.

Vote Save America is also back with a brand new action finder to help you find volunteer opportunities that are just for you. You check a few boxes, Vote Save America will be pinpointing the volunteer opportunities that will have the biggest impact, that are easy for you to do, depending on the kind of involvement you're asking for, whether you want a phone bank, knock on doors, volunteer, donate. More than 3,000 volunteers have already used the action finder, so don't walk around

or run, just type votesaveamerica.com slash volunteer. Just go to votesaveamerica.com. It's a brand new site. Check it out. Everybody worked really hard on it. Also, Crooked is putting out more content than ever before, and it's not just for your ear holes. Your eyeballs can also get in on the action. That's right. I'm talking YouTube.

Hysteria is a series called This Fucking Guy where they roast the men who deserve it most. Tommy has a show with Brian Tyler Cohen called Liberal Tears where they rank and draft everything political. I have a new segment called What a Weekday where I joke about the news of the week so far and in the video version you can see the clips we're watching, how big my iced coffee is. So all of it, you know. For all of this exclusive content and more, head to crooked.com slash videos to watch now. And follow us on all the socials, says Kayla, the head of our socials.

We're on TikTok. We're on X. We're on threads, right? And we're on everything. Even Christian Mingle? We're on everything. Let's welcome Nikolai and Ify back to the stage. How are you doing? Come on, everybody sit down. Just, what? Yeah, you look to me. Wow. It's so cool. You know? I'm not a cool guy. We wouldn't do you like this on I'm Actually. I just want to let you know. I just...

We're just three hunks on a couch. Yeah, yeah. Equally famous hunks on a couch. Yeah, yeah. Look at these hunks. Yeah, wow. It's the hunk episode. It's the hunk episode. It's the hunk-isode. People are calling it the hunk episode right now. People are calling it the hunk episode. Now it's time for the... Is it a wheel? Now it's time for Not a Wheel. It's called Will You Be My Valentine? Everybody has a valentine. Nikolai, you want to kick us off? Do you have a valentine? Yes. I'm going to leave, you know, a...

I'm gonna bring my wife. Oh hey, that's smart. Yeah. Anything else? Hey, what's one thing you like about her? Oh, I like everything about my wife. She's incredible. Alright, that's good. I know, I know. Listen, I've been married 25 years. I'm not gonna make a joke now. No, that's... That's smart. You're not... Hey...

You're not going to go to Buca di Beppo alone on Valentine's Day? Nice. And neither am I. Yeah, that's right. Way to go. Thank you. Andrew, do you have a Valentine? Yes. So I've been married to my husband for eight years. So we're like a sealed-in Valentine. My husband has a full head of hair, don't be mistaken. But I would like to ask a non-conscious entity to be my Valentine this year. And this thing is not the classiest thing.

It is my favorite item on the Costco food court menu. I would like to ask the chicken bake to be my valentine. Because here's the thing. I know what you're saying. Andrew, the chicken bake is a 14-inch long glorified hot pocket.

It looks obscene to eat it in public. You can't hold this thing and be like, this is a normal thing to eat in public. And I may get it and say under the auspices of, I'm going to split this with my husband. But no chicken bake. I want you all to myself. What's inside? Chicken, bacon, a white sauce. I don't know what's in the sauce. I don't care to know. But a TikTok told me that it is 52 grams of protein. So the macro game is on point and I can eat it guilt-free.

Chicken Bake, will you be my valentine? The only thing I disagreed was with your line read on 14-inch Hot Pocket. You said it like it was a bad thing. You said, oh, what is this, a 14-inch Hot Pocket? You just say it the other way and it's awesome. What is this? It's a 14-inch Hot Pocket. And it's $4. What is the meat? What is the meat? Is chicken spelled with a Q? Here's the thing. Every place has something awesome to get you in the door. There's no rule that says you can't walk out with just that.

Which brings me back to the Gelson's chicken. Ify, what's your Valentine? I'd say my Valentine... You know, I'm also going to do the save that you did, built-in Valentine. My partner, Emily, Louise, great. She's sweet. She's always taking care of me, holding me tight. You know, I like being the little spoon sometimes, so she's my little backpack. But if I had to go ahead and...

Pick something else. I'd say my Bastion Carthalos, which is a unit from Warhammer, Age of Sigmar. He has an ability that you can do. That was mine. Damn it. You know...

Yeah, yeah, he has that ability. We know, we know it's the command ability. We know. Where you can roll the number of dice of wounds that your enemy has. And with the number of sixes is how many mortal wounds they have. Now, see, the thing with mortal wounds is that you don't get to do your armor save. You can only do a ward save if they have a ward. So, you know. Yeah, I know.

Now, what's your Valentine? Oh, my Valentine? Well, obviously, I have to, of course, do what you did and make sure I acknowledge none of these candidates. But my Valentine, I would like to ask the Pillsbury brand raw chocolate chip cookie dough to be my Valentine. And it is for this reason. We all know

that the police don't come to your house if you eat the Toll's House cookie dough without baking it. There's no authority. Nobody's watching. And we also know that even though on the outside of the packaging, it says you shouldn't, nothing happens. Nothing happens. And maybe sometimes something happens, but it's not often enough to stop you.

And so you buy the yellow one and you feel like you're rolling the dice, but just seems like you always win because you get to have cookie dough. And again, you're fine. But see, the people at Pillsbury, they went above and beyond because even though they know we're disgusting and even though they know that we would eat it anyway, they put it right there on the outside of the package. Eat or bake.

The most glorious words you could ever see. And then you turn it over and you read why and you realize they actually, they actually like went through the trouble to make sure because they knew. They knew. They said, stop sending us the letters.

We don't want any more letters. Just, you freaks, just grab it from the fucking fridge at the store, go home, turn on a reality show that rots your head from the inside out, and eat this straight from the package. Buy the log, buy the sheets. They're divided into cookies, but that's a formality. The log is harder to eat, but it feels more honest because it doesn't treat cookie dough like a countable set.

The sheet, you can have one, you can have two, you can have three. But the log, you just have some. And I would like to ask that little dough boy to be my valentine. Yeah. And again, I'm doing great. All right. Is this a cult? Look, I thought you said you listened on your way here.

Guys, give it up for our incredible panel tonight. Thank you to Nikolai Kostowaldo and check out his show on Bloomberg. Ippy, Andrew, thank you so much for being here. When we come back, we'll end on a high note. And we're back.

Brian is out in the crowd. Instead of high notes tonight, we would love to hear your valentines. It can be for a person. It can be for a thing. It can be for an idea. Hi, what's your name? What's your valentine? Jenny, and this is my valentine. 31 years, this fella right here. 31 years? Wow. Wow.

So what? Wait, so 31 years ago, what's that? That's 1992 or 1993? 1993. Well, what a time. Hillary Care just gone down in flames. You held each other close and you thought politics can't get worse than this. Wow, we were wrong. We were super wrong. Into the mic. We were super wrong. Politics got so much worse. Who else? Oh, she's trying to tell me not to stand up.

Who's your Valentine? What's your Valentine? My Valentine is Jennifer. Jennifer. The interesting thing about us is that she is a therapist. She doesn't use a lot of that stuff with me to help me. Oh, good. By the way, by the way.

Uh, dude, yeah, she does. Okay, John. You're right. You're right. Okay, yeah. No, yeah. I'm sure she doesn't use it. I got it. I got it. It's not like, it's not sorcery. You don't hear a spell. No. She just has training in how to work with people. It's magic. Okay. You know, so like I'm an MMA referee. I am involved in the fight world and I'm married to a therapist. But she's taught me so much about what's happening in this room.

And to be open-minded and love what you're doing. Oh, thank you for saying that. Go to the lesbians. Hi. Hello, lesbians. Hello. I'm sorry to report it's just me. I think, listen, I'm not trying to tell people how to show up. I want to shout out to the folks in Florida who have put abortion on the ballot in Florida. Woo!

Almost a million and a half signatures. It's going to be on the ballot, we hope. And you can give to Floridians protecting freedoms. And I also want to shout out my wife, Meredith. Oh, good luck. I think that's a great place to leave it.

That's good. I think that's a great one. That was a great way to leave it. Just so you know, there's ballot access measures in Florida, I believe Arizona, and Nevada. And we have the most polarizing merch we'll have ever had on those topics that I hope people... They'll either sell a lot or none.

And that is our show. Thank you so much to Ibi Waterway, Andrew Farmer, and Nikolai Koster-Waldau, who is a great sport. There are 275 days until the 2024 elections. Go sign up at votesaveamerica.com. Have a great night. Have a great weekend. And thank you to The Lodge Room.

If you're already doom scrolling, don't forget to follow us at Crooked Media on Instagram and Twitter. You can also find Love It or Leave It on YouTube for access to your favorite segments and other exclusive content. And if you're as opinionated as we are, consider dropping us a review. Finally, you can join our Friends of the Pod subscription community for ad-free episodes, exclusive content, and a great discussion on Discord. Plus, it's a great way to get involved with Vote Save America. So sign up today at crooked.com slash friends.

Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer, and Brian Semel is our producer. Halle Kiefer is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Coffin, Peter Miller, Alan Pierre, Will Miles, and Mahana Del Shigi are our writers. Evan Sutton is our editor. Kyle Seglin and Charlotte Landis provide audio support. Stephen Colon is our audio engineer, and Milo Kim is our videographer.

Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designer, Bernardo Serna, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast. And to our digital producers, Zuri Ervin, David Tolles, Claudia Shang, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroat for filming and editing video each week so you can.

We know you need help. Each week, Basic Training, hosted by comedians and self-proclaimed experts at navigating social dynamics, Talia Lickstein and Jake Cornell, dive into all types of entanglements between friends, lovers, coworkers, roommates, the list goes on. Talia and Jake listen to your voicemails and provide you with the raw, unfiltered advice and brutal honesty you are desperately craving. Tune into Basic Training on YouTube for the full video and wherever you get your podcasts for all of you audio listeners. If you want some advice yourself, call in at 929-269-4960. And don't forget to follow

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