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Hi, I'm Stacey Abrams, host of the brand new Crooked podcast, Assembly Required with Stacey Abrams. Each week, we'll work together to better understand one of those big issues that seems insurmountable. Whether it's the Electoral College, America's loneliness epidemic, or the future of Hollywood post-strikes, I'll challenge you to dig in and ask, how do we get here? What obstacles lie ahead? And what can we do to get good done? Are you in?
Episodes of Assembly Required with Stacey Abrams are available starting August 15th. Head to your favorite audio platform and subscribe now so you never miss an episode. Someone in the Discord wants a Brian dating show. Cute. Give the people what they want. Someone else wants a Brian action figure. I don't know what to do what. We could do a cry. We could do a custom Funko.
It's missing a thumb. You crash his car. The pieces all fall off. The accessory is just a car bumper. It has the little parts that fall off the car, so you just keep crashing it and having the pieces fall off. Tell us what's up. And we're back. I'm here with Kendra, Brian, Halle,
Sarah Lazarus, Babadookin as usual. Hi. Hi. Come on. Let's get into it. What a weekday. We finally have the text of the... We finally have the... Who cares? We finally have the text of the bipartisan border security deal that Republicans demanded at the end of last year and are now upset actually exists. After Donald Trump reminded everyone that a deal would help Biden politically, a bunch of Republicans rejected the proposal before it had even been announced.
House Speaker Mike no-come Johnson publicly rejected the deal by lying about it, claiming it would allow 5,000 migrants to enter the country per day. I just think it's inspiring how many Republicans vocally opposed the bill before the text was even available. People complain about Congress moving too slowly, and it's shortcuts like this that save the country time.
The bill, which also includes aid for Ukraine, Israel, and Taiwan, would spend $20 billion to hire asylum and border patrol officers, reduce asylum claim processing times from as long as 10 years to six months, add detention facilities, restrict how and where asylum claims can be made, provide new emergency authority to the president to close the border, along with increasing pathways for legal immigration and a pathway to citizenship for Afghans who worked on behalf of the United States.
Basically, every Republican right now is like a subject in the nightmare version of the Stanford marshmallow experiment. Do you want this border enforcement now? Or do you want to wait a year and hope you get border enforcement plus Trump hugging a flag while describing a border control agent as the biggest, most beautiful, strong man he's ever seen?
In a statement, President Biden said the United States Senate has done the hard work it takes to reach a bipartisan agreement. Now, House Republicans have to decide. Do they want to solve the problem or do they want to keep playing politics with the border? Do they have to decide? Replied House Republicans. Oh, no, we we've we've decided we want to keep playing politics. Sorry, we.
We thought that was clear. Trump posted a screed against the bill, saying it takes the horrible job the Democrats have done on immigration and the border, absolves them, and puts it all squarely on the shoulders of Republicans. Don't be stupid. We need a separate border and immigration bill. It should not be tied to foreign aid in any way, shape, or form. Again, the only reason we are debating a border bill at all is because Republicans...
demanded Ukraine funding be tied to the border. Republicans are like a teen boy who finally got to live with dad after the divorce, so angry to get exactly what they wanted. Meanwhile, Senator James Lankford, the Republican senator who led the negotiations for Republicans, expressed his frustration with the GOP's refusal to consider it. I'm frustrated when people put out intentionally false information. I expect more, Lankford told the press.
Not a lot of people know this, but James Lankford actually got locked in a bathroom on his first day as a senator nine years ago and only recently made it out. So he's getting a lay of the land. There's a nobility to this level of delusion, like the usher cleaning up popcorn while the blob drops from the ceiling and devours the town's teens. Anyway, nothing is more chilling, nothing is more chilling to a Republican than when they are treated like a Democrat for five fucking minutes. It's unbelievable. Like, what are these? They're not telling the truth.
These Republicans are not telling the truth about my proposal. But do you think that that's real? Like, is he genuinely surprised? That's what I don't understand. I'm like, why are you acting like this? You know, we've been here. We all see. What is that? Is that part of the performance or is he genuinely surprised? I guess the question. I don't know that he's surprised. I do think that like Republicans, I mean, this wasn't a long time ago. This was four months ago. Republicans said we will not do funding for Ukraine anymore.
unless you do funding for the border. And at the time, everyone said, oh, that's just a way to get out of funding for Ukraine because there's no way we can get to a bipartisan compromise on the border. It's just too intransigent an issue. Democrats would hold out for comprehensive immigration reform. And then Langford goes into that room with Murphy and Sinema and a bunch of others, and they come out
with a very conservative proposal that if it came up in any Republican administration, they would all, of course, before. And now they don't know what to do. And I do think it's like, they're really fucking this. Like, you know, it's like, they're just fucking him. Like, look at this guy. It's like, but we all said this. This is what we all said. Yeah. Because he's not a, he's not some squish. He's not Mitt Romney. He's a, he's a right wing Republican. He's from fucking Oklahoma. Sorry, with a fringe on top. Watch that fringe and see how she flutters. Yeah.
That's what this show really is, which is just a bunch of blah, blah, blah between references to musicals. I'm just waiting. I'm waiting. I'm waiting.
Then Donald Trump attacked Lankford on the Dan Bongino show, saying of the legislation, I think this is a very bad bill for his career, especially in Oklahoma. I like the way Trump does threats. I think it's a very bad bill for his bone health, especially his kneecaps. I just worry about what might happen to his knees. Lankford was already censured by the Oklahoma Republican Party before the bill was announced for even just the act of participating in
in a negotiation with Democrats. Lankford fired back on CNN. When asked why Trump was coming for him, he said this. Yeah, I don't know. Obviously, other than he has a different job than I have right now. His job right now is running for president. And so he's trying to be able to manage that. And obviously, a chaotic border is helpful to him in the process on that.
Well, Trump's job is running for president, but his passion is standing trial across 91 criminal indictments. And of course, Elon Musk decided to weigh in. He tweeted that the goal of the bipartisan border bill is to enable illegals to vote. Lankford replied by saying this. Well, I think he needs to go back to doing the two million Teslas that are currently being recalled right now. James Lankford, is that a burn? We didn't know you knew about those in Oklahoma. Too much dust.
The right... It's so much dust. Off in the bowl. Yeah, yeah, often in a bowl. The right has become so hostile to any kind of actual governing that they are making James Langford, a true right-winger, seem reasonable, which fucking sucks. I don't like rooting for James Langford Burns. This guy was born yesterday. This guy didn't exist before yesterday, and it's such a bummer that his first day of life, he just has to get attacked like this. Yeah.
Anyway, speaking of Republicans who only seem chill by comparison, in this week's episode of Saturday Night Live hosted by Ayo Debris, Nikki Haley made a surprise appearance during the show's cold open. Okay, our next question comes from someone who describes herself as a concerned South Carolina voter. Yes, hello. Hello.
It's crazy how James Austin Johnson's Trump impression is better than Nikki Haley's Nikki Haley impression. The sketch ended with Ayo Debrey asking Nikki Haley this.
I was just curious, what would you say was the main cause of the Civil War? And do you think it starts with an S and ends with a lavery? Yep, I probably should have said that the first time. And live from New York, it's Saturday night. These are the dangers of becoming a Hollywood darling. One minute you're winning an Emmy. The next minute you're helping a presidential candidate laugh off for appeal to Southern Confederate flag-waving whites. And to be clear, that's a trade-off I would make.
I would do this for the Emmy. I had so many questions about her thought process going into that. But you know what? I still. Nikki or Ayo? Ayo. Like just agreeing to do that. Like I just I wonder what played into that. I just I have questions. Well, she spent the whole episode also apologizing to J-Lo.
Yes. Which was very funny. Well, which was wild because I had not heard about that. And then she talked. So when she mentioned the podcast in that first sketch, I... Podcast scam goddess Lacey Mosley on Love It or Leave It last week. Oh, absolutely. But when she mentioned having to apologize for that, I thought...
thought when they then announced that Shane Gillis was hosting next week, that that's what it was the reference to. Because Shane Gillis... Oh, you thought it was her kind of being sheepish on behalf of SNL. Yes. But no, it was actually because that clip of her on Slam Goddess. But by the way, it was actually, like, if you listen to that clip, it's sort of like... She sets her up. Well, no, it's more that, like, Lacey says harsher stuff about Jennifer Lopez than Ayo does. Also, we all love Jennifer Lopez. She can't sing. I don't know why we're all trying to pretend. I
We know Ashanti sang her lyrics. There's no... What are we arguing about? We know this. She was in the booth. As an audio professional, Nikki spent that entire sketch with the microphone by her belly button. She was talking into nothing. We wouldn't have been able to hear her and Stephen would have had a fit. She might have had a loud mic on. I know, but it was a prop. Like, she was doing the bad, bad at pretending it was a prop. Right, right, right. I wonder who screamed. Like, when they... Yeah, who applauded? And then you hear a man's voice go, yeah! It's like...
Who is that? Who do you think? James Lankford? I just think it's like, I don't know. Taurus coming to CSNL? I wouldn't be surprised if there were a couple Republican fans in there. Or it's just the person in charge of getting the crowd riled up.
doing their job. Haley tweeted after her appearance, had a blast tonight on SNL. No, it was past Donald Trump's bedtime. So looking forward to the stream of unhinged tweets in the a.m. Yeah, like Trump sleeps. He's so perma-caffeinated. He basically just takes micro-naps while at a rally around the toilet, like birds that sleep with half their brain at a time while flying long distances. The only hope Trump has of ever sleeping again is if Jennifer Lopez can free his inner child from that dream prison. Is that for anybody? So the cell? You bet. Oh, hell yeah. What? The cell? The cell.
Have you ever seen The Cell? Obviously not. How have you seen The Cell? I've seen The Cell. Kendra? I've seen The Cell, not in a long time. It'd be a gorgeous film. Oh my, ugh. The visuals. Wild. J-Lo and Vincent D'Onofrio. Is it about a prison cell? A human cell? Here's what it is about. Here's what it is about. A terrorist cell? Well, that's actually the question of the movie. Here's what it is about. And this is the plot of the film starring Jennifer Lopez and Vincent D'Onofrio called The Cell.
Vincent D'Onofrio is a serial killer. How he kills is he kidnaps women and he puts them in a giant aquarium somewhere in the desert. Vincent D'Onofrio then has an aneurysm, but had already kidnapped a woman who is in an aquarium slowly filling with water. The only way they can find out where the woman is is for Jennifer Lopez to use a new technology to enter Vincent D'Onofrio's coma dreams
to ask Vincent D'Onofrio's inner innocent child where the aquarium is located. Is that played by a child? Yes, the child is not just a metaphor. There's a child inside of dreams who becomes a serial killer because of the abuse that he suffers as a child. And so you have to go deep into the memories of the comatose Vincent D'Onofrio to find the child, to get the location, to unlock the murder aquarium. And...
This is Jennifer Lopez's best work. No, wait, sorry. Because I'm sorry. We know that Jennifer Lopez's best movie, It's Now Escaping Me, but it's the one with George Clooney. No, it's the one with George Clooney. Oh, out of sight. Out of sight. That is her best movie. Even though it includes a very specific phrase.
What? Did someone say the N-word? No. I mean, maybe, but that's what I was thinking about. Isn't that the one film where she says it's turkey day? Oh, yeah. It's turkey day, gobble, gobble. Gobble, gobble. Gobble, gobble. It's my favorite thing to say. Monster-in-Law, is that what you love? I love Monster-in-Law. That's my favorite. That is a very good one. Hustlers. Hustlers.
I loved Hustlers. Hustlers for me is dragged down by the main performance and we don't have to get into it. But J-Lo is great in it. Also, the director of The Cell is Tarsem Singh. Oh, the guy who did The Fall with the hot one. I stand by my claim that Jennifer Lopez's best work is the film The Cell. Anyway, if you didn't like Nikki Haley on this week's SNL, bad news. Next week's musical guest, Ron DeSantis. What kind of music does he play? What would you call the genre in the movie Deliverance?
When they played the banjo. Southern Gothic? I would say Southern Gothic. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.
Each year, the International Rescue Committee's Emergency Watchlist Report assesses the 20 countries at greatest risk of new or worsening humanitarian emergencies. These countries are home to only 10.6% of the world's population, but carry a disproportionate burden of global humanitarian crisis. The civil war in Sudan has left over 24 million in need of humanitarian aid.
while armed conflicts and natural disasters have displaced 1.26 million people in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. And Gaza has become the deadliest place for civilians in the world. Donations help the IRC provide families affected by humanitarian crises with emergency supplies in the aftermath of a crisis.
and with the resources they need to recover and rebuild their lives for the long term. Just $14 can provide a temporary shelter for a displaced family, and $72 can provide two months' worth of emergency food for a child. Donate today by visiting rescue.org slash rebuild.
This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. What are your self-care non-negotiables? Maybe you never skip leg day or your skincare routine or therapy day. I have to tell you, I am a creature of routine. And I walk pundit, I get the same quad espresso every morning from Starbucks. Oh, and I also do go to therapy, although I did cancel therapy last night to do Anderson Cooper. Ha ha ha ha!
Healthy, very healthy call. That's real. That's real. Sorry, Dr. Christie, I can't do therapy. I got to go on Anderson Cooper. You can watch. I'll be saying the same things I'll be saying to you. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash love it to get 10% off your first month. Obviously,
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Speaking of musical performances, the 66th Annual Grammy Awards took place at Los Angeles' Crypto.com Arena, a name that will surely stand the test of time. With women dominating the awards, Dua Lipa opened the show with a performance that included her dangling from a big steel cube surrounded by hunks. Unfortunately, the trap didn't work, and Elton John remains at large. The winners include Billie Eilish and her brother, Seamus O'Flattingham, Miley Cyrus, SZA, Lainey Wilson, Carol G, Victoria Monet, and Boy Genius. Also, Travis Scott won the Grammy for most confirmed kills on stage. Wow.
My staff had to teach me how to say some of these young people's names by putting peanut butter in my mouth and using a voiceover like on Mr. Ed. Joni Mitchell performed Both Sides Now and Tracy Chapman performed in a rare public appearance playing Fast Car in a moving duet with Luke Combs. She also took the opportunity to announce her next single, Too Fast, Too Car. And there you go. Fuck yeah. That killed. That killed in the booth. Yeah.
You two appeared remotely from the Las Vegas sphere in what may or may not have been a live performance. See, this is the problem with hybrid work. Sure, he can zoom into the Grammys, but does he really get the Grammys culture? Does he know if he's achieving his goals?
Anyway, it all went fine until Bono looked directly into the camera and mouth. Please let me leave the sphere. I miss my family. YouTube performing at the sphere feels like capitalism asked AI what people like to do for fun that cost $200. There's something about it. I'm going to say a phrase that I don't normally say, which is gives me the heck. Oh, I mean, as soon as Beyonce announces her residency, I'm buying several tickets. Do you think that's going to happen? Yeah, I do. That's cool. I think it's like the cell. I think they're trapped there.
Is there no rest for Bono? That's what I can never understand. If you're this age with this amount of money, I'd just be lying down for the next couple years. As soon as he said he wants to get back to his family, I was like, Bono has a family? I actually don't know Bono's life. I think he has a daughter. He has the edge. And he has the sphere. And that's his family now. My children. I think the sphere is cool. I do think it's funny that when they're in the sphere...
It's not that different than a dome. You know? Like the bottom half of the sphere is just where you sit. And the bottom half of any stadium, if you think of a dome and then you think of the seats, all the domes are really spheres. It looks cooler from outside. It looks cool from outside. It's like, sure, it's a concert. But I do think in terms of Bono resting, I think a life where you spend...
you know, four days a week at your Los Angeles mega mansion and then helicopter or fly into Las Vegas to do a show three nights and stay at the nicest suite in any hotel. And for two hours a night, play songs that you know in your fucking bones for screaming, adoring Gen Xers, like pretty good life.
We're going to do that instead of songs. It's going to be the podcast, right? Yeah, for sure. For sure. It's like 2038. Blue Ivy's president. That's too soon. Betsy's in the front row. Hell yeah. Who here hates Trump?
When the edge comes out. There's memory VO plusing. The edge is still there though. Oh no, the edge is, our edge is those bagpiping. Oh yeah. We had some good times. Oh no, it's Abby McEnany.
She's president. Anyway, it was a great show. I love The Grammys. I haven't watched The Grammys in a really long time and I fucking loved it. Yeah, they crushed it. I do think that an opportunity to have a mix of new singers and then the all-time greats... I will say that it's unfair that the best...
from the past survives and the mediocre and worst fades away. It's true for buildings. It's true for songs. But when you hear like Fast Car and you just... I don't even mean this as a criticism. I just like literally like... It's unfair because that's a one... That's a unique singular song. It's a banger. Yeah, it's perfect. But you look at who's like...
Who's Joni Mitchell of this generation? Who's Tracy Chapman of this generation? Do we know? Does one not exist? Would we have known at the time? I don't know. It was such a bummer that Joe... What's his name? Joe Koi? Oh, yeah. Was so fucking terrible because I do want award shows to make it. I like the monoculture. I want them to be something people watch together. I like it. And it was cool that... I do think the Grammys did that. They achieved their mission. It was cool. It was a cool show. Well, they will always be more successful than...
The ones I care more about, which are the Oscars and the Emmys, because it's a concert. Yeah. Right. Right. I will say of the hosts that we have seen on the network broadcast so far, I still think Anthony Anderson has come out on top so far. Yeah. Taylor Swift won Album of the Year for Midnight, becoming the first artist to win the top prize four times.
That's right. We rigged the Super Bowl and the Grammys. A busy first quarter for the Jews. Many noted Swift's perceived snub of presenter Celine Dion, who Swift breezed past on her way to the mic after her win was announced. We are watching it like it's the Zapruder film. Oh, she just she takes it from Celine Dion while looking in a different direction. I think that's what people really responded to.
It's the exact opposite of what Miley did with Mariah. She was like, stay right here. This is just about you now, which was cool. I mean, I think the more interesting snub of the night was the one that Jay-Z pointed out, which is that Beyonce still doesn't have one of those. And this woman has four. That is wild. Yeah, that is wild. Very upsetting.
To not win for Lemonade. That to me was the year. Forget Lemonade because people are talking about this one because they're saying like Midnight's maybe not her best like overall work in terms of the actual album. But they're saying that she's being rewarded for the year that she's had. Yeah. Self-titled Change the Way Music Was Released.
It is baffling. Yeah. I don't understand. I feel like I think it's. I mean, I do understand. She's a blonde white lady, but I don't understand. I think that's I think you do understand. Yeah, I know. It sounds like you. I don't think I think you got it. It just it upsets me so much. It upsets me so fucking much. I had never seen heard that Miley Cyrus song before, which you all think is wild. That's insane. It's not in every CVS.
That's where I feel like I'm hurting. No, I mean, truly. Well, usually when I'm shopping, I'm wearing headphones and I'm listening to either one of our lovely podcasts here at Crooked Media or I'm listening to Renaissance. You don't have to lie to us, Kendra. We work here. Don't lie. Come on. However, I watched...
I watched the Miley Cyrus performance. I'd never heard the song before. I was like, this is great. She crushed it. She's performing well. The song is great. Loved it all. She's so funny, too. Have never watched a Taylor Swift performance that has made me feel anything. Good to agree with her. I like Taylor Swift, but she is not much of a performer. I'm sorry. Who is Taylor up against in this category? SZA, for one, who should have won this year. And I'm, again, not a huge fan of her music. We did grow up together and I do love her. But
Like, not a huge fan of the music that she's putting out. But she should have won. I love SZA. Yeah. Jay-Z is a really cute wife guy, though. Yeah. He was like, I just love her and I think she should have an album. Well, she had to make lemonade. These are the stakes here. And also Beyonce said, I need a soldier who's not afraid to stand up for me. Yeah. It did seem like Jay-Z went off book a little bit.
Yeah. Yeah, it was cute. He seemed like a little bashful about it. I liked it. He was. Yeah. Anyway, I think it was dangerous for Taylor Swift to fuck with Celine Dion like that. Swift also won Best Vocal Album and announced during her acceptance speech that she'll be releasing her next album. She can sing! Yes, she can. Okay, she can sing. She can sing. She can sing.
She can sing. I don't care who wins Grammys, and I think your point is very valid, but Taylor Swift can sing. Anyway, she can sing, and during her executive speech, she announced that she'll be releasing her next album, The Tortured Poets Department, on April 19th. I don't know that you can call yourself a tortured poet while dating a professional football player. Sylvia Plath didn't know anything about protein powder, you know? Taylor posted the album cover on social media. It's a picture of her removing Joe Alwyn's complete skeleton from her mouth like a cartoon cat.
Those are my favorite new recurring videos. Speaking of unnecessary gifts for white people, after a decade in development, Apple released their new Vision Pro augmented reality goggles on Friday with a price tag of $3,499. That's right, $3,500 to look at porn in your goggles. It might sound pricey, but think of all the expensive dates and anniversary gifts you won't have to buy after this thing renders you unfuckable. The Vision Pro is Apple's first new product in seven years. Steve Jobs must be rolling in his seamless aluminum coffin.
It looks seamless, but if you drop Steve Jobs' coffin from even like two feet, he fucking pops out and flies across the floor. I don't know why it always happens this way, but when you drop Steve Jobs' coffin and Steve Jobs pops out, it's always under the sofa. Always goes right under the fucking sofa. Yeah, shoots out of there. Vision Pro enthusiasts immediately took to humiliating themselves like this driver who took his hands up the wheel while wearing the headset and driving a Tesla down the highway. Oh my God.
Is that him getting pulled over? Yeah. God, it's going to suck to get killed by this guy. Your family comes to the trial. He's on the stand with his goggles on doing bowling motions. I told you like my most irrational fear is driving behind a Tesla.
the moment that the server goes out. And I understand that that's probably not how it works. No, I'll just hit you in a crosswalk. That's my most irrational fear. Did you see in the movie Leave the World Behind? There's a great scene involving Teslas. I haven't watched it yet. Oh, well then I'll say no more.
The driver later said the video was a skit and he only wore the Vision Pro goggles while driving for about 30 seconds and that he hadn't actually been arrested. He just pulled the car next to the police and took the video. A lot of people don't know this, though. When you die in a skit, you die in real life. Highways are like bears. They don't know you're acting and they'll kill you if you turn your back for five seconds. Oh, it was a skit? Oh, you were just being funny? Fucking driving with this thing on, you fucking asshole?
What a society. I was like, which way, white men? I was like, sir, we got to figure something else out than this. Like, is it my $3,500 gooning glasses? Running to a school bus? Like, what's the plan here? Don't make jokes about gooning. I can make jokes about gooning. This is America. This is America. We can still joke about gooning. Thank you. Okay, it's serious. In another video, a man used a Vision Pro while riding the New York City subway. This sucks. Oh, man, he looks cute, too.
Yeah, this stinks. I hope that train was going into the Bronx. You know it wasn't. What's cool about this is this guy got to experience what it's like to be thrown onto the subway tracks while on the surface of Tatooine. No, but I hate all this. This sucks. I hate how you can see the eyes, the avatar of the eyes. It's wild. I'd be clowning that man out loud to his face. I want to smash him with a hammer. That's where I'm at. And I didn't buy one.
Don't worry about that. Please don't buy one. Did you really? You're too old for Goonies. Let's take a vote. Let's take a vote. Did he actually do it? How many people in this room believe I bought a Vision Pro? Yes, we believe it. And it's going to sit next to your aqua. Why am I always the one to give you the benefit of the doubt? One, two, three, four. How many people think I didn't buy a Vision Pro? I don't, unfortunately. Lazarus, what are you doing? I'm looking at her.
Lazarus, do you think I bought a Vision Pro or not? Did you? Dylan was a no. Claudia back there. You think I did? Well, fuck you. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. Is it in a cart? No, I didn't even go to the website. I didn't even click the ad. I didn't even click the ad because I'm going to wait to Vision Pro 2.
You know the second one's going to be much better. That first iPod's terrible. We already have access to... The gooning we have available is too powerful for the human brain. And to access another level of gooning, I just don't think things can... Things are already falling apart. It's going to be the last thread. The whole goddamn thing is going to collapse. Gooning while driving down the street.
And that's our show. And that's our show. I want to thank Hallie, Brian, Kendra, and to a lesser extent, Sarah Lazarus. What a great show. See you sluts on Saturday. Bye sluts. Goon safely. It's love it. Don't leave it. Straight. Shoot. Talk.
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