Look What You Made the Deep State Do 01:19:13

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Good evening, Los Angeles. Thank you all for coming out. Welcome to Love It or Leave It. It's the first day of Black History Month, and you know what that means. It's time to find out what Equinox and DoorDash are doing to honor the past and present and future via Instagram stories. Is that how you pronounce it? Instagram? Instagram.

We've got, never heard it said. We've got a great show for you. Will Miles shall judge the year's best political zinger so far. Lacey Mosley is back for an important cultural exchange. And Dulce Sloan returns to regale us with stories of love before giving you advice on your own pathetic romantic exploits. As Valentine's Day peeks his little head out of its burrow like a horny Punxsutawney Phil. And we shall each share one of our favorite moments of black history. And yeah, I have one. But first, let's get into it.

What a week.

The New York Times reports that Taylor Swift was on a wish list of potential surrogates for the Biden campaign, and it caused a bunch of right-wingers to lose their entire minds. Helpfully collected here by the recount. We have had enough of Taylor Swift for now. She shouldn't be liberal. She should be a total conservative, given what, given everything. The Pentagon PSYOP unit pitched NATO on turning Taylor Swift into an asset. Yesterday, she flew private from New York City to Baltimore. Yet she constantly talks about climate change. So just please

Just please don't believe everything Taylor Swift says. We're all begging you. I think she should just stick to her singing and let her love life be what it is. The New York Times just speculated she's a lesbian. A new poll shows 18% of voters are likely to vote for whichever candidate Taylor Swift endorses.

Oh. Biden effectively has Taylor Swift as his VP. Single post of hers led to 35,000 new registrants. That's arguably more power than the president. She's sharing links. And her boyfriend, Travis Kelty, sponsored by Pfizer? Uh, 10 out of 10. Why can't the right be normal about Taylor Swift? They could learn a thing or two from her fans who just yell at her for not being the same Taylor Swift who appears in their erotic lesbian fanfic.

Trump has reportedly reacted to the possibility of a Biden-Swift alliance by claiming that he's more popular than Swift with more diehard fans than she has. Okay, let's prove it. Name a stadium. Any stadium. Not just in America. Name a stadium on planet Earth. She'll tell people to come. You'll tell people to come.

Now maybe you're thinking, Trump, okay, she has more diehard fans, but my diehard fans are armed. Sorry, sir, but your diehard fans are her diehard fans' dads. And the code on the gun safe is mom's birthday. That didn't work when we tried it. Barely worked here. But sometimes that's not my fault, that's your fault.

Thanks. In fact, Trump has been declaring to people around him that no amount of A-list endorsements will help Biden beat him. Trump allies began floating bizarre conspiracy theories about Swift and her football boyfriend after the Chiefs made it to the Super Bowl. Vivek Ramaswamy tweeted, I wonder who's going to win the Super Bowl next month. And I wonder if there's a major presidential endorsement coming from an artificially culturally propped up couple this fall. First of all,

Taylor Swift endorsed Joe Biden in 2020. She'll hopefully do it again. And I hope she does as much for the Biden campaign as possible. But it is insane to use the same cadence and tone to claim that a person is going to endorse someone they already endorsed and to claim that the Super Bowl itself is a massive conspiracy by the woke Jews. And to be clear, Vivek didn't say it was the Jews. But anyone nodding at this conspiracy theory is not picturing a boardroom filled with Episcopalians. LAUGHTER

Speaking of the woke mind virus, the CDC announced Tuesday that syphilis has surged to its highest rate of new infections in the U.S. since 1950. See, we never talk about the upside of having an ancient president. Biden is one of the few leaders who was fucking the last time this country went through something like this.

South Dakota leads the syphilis surge with a reported 87 infections per 100,000 people, more than twice the infection rate of the next most impacted state, New Mexico. Yeah, but it's not South Dakota's fault that the visitor center at Mount Rushmore is one nonstop fuck fest. You try looking up at those four giant sexy ass heads and not get irrepressibly horny.

Speaking of civilist ravaged brains, Donald Trump continued to wedge himself into congressional border negotiations over the weekend. He proudly claimed credit for the holdup. Please blame it on me. Please. Because they were getting ready to pass a very bad bill. And I'll tell you what, a bad bill is, I'd rather have no bill than a bad bill. Hey man, listen, you can't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. That's your job. You're the enemy of the good.

When asked if Trump's intervention was holding up the bill, Speaker Mike Johnson scoffed at the idea, but added this. I have talked to former President Trump about this issue at length. President Trump is the one that talked about border security before anyone else did. He ran on, as you remember, building the wall. Why? Because he saw this catastrophe coming. Also, to answer your other question, no, this is not a dog collar with an obvious leash snaking out of my sleeve into Donald Trump's hand. That's something else. Don't worry about it.

But not every Republican is on Trump's leash. Nikki Haley, who we now love, stopped by the breakfast club to shit talk Donald Trump to Charlemagne. How has Trump changed politics for the good and the bad? He's made it chaotic. He's made it self-absorbed. He's left that a president should have moral clarity and know the difference between right or wrong. And he's just toxic.

President Biden said on Tuesday that he decided on a response to the attack on U.S. forces that injured dozens and killed three service members, but didn't say what that response would be. On Wednesday, the House passed a $78 billion bipartisan tax bill that increases the child tax credit while also restoring corporate tax breaks. Boy, I know if Mike Johnson had his way, I'd be lobotomized and put in a Christian home for degenerate perverts. But actually, that sounds nice. I forgot what I was going to say.

Okay, wait. I fucked up the analogy. I'm sorry.

The tax bill now heads to the Senate where it's not certain to pass. When asked about it, Senator Chuck Grassley explained, I think passing a tax bill that makes the president look good may allow checks before the election, means that he can be reelected and then we won't extend the 2017 tax cuts. Chuck Grassley is 90 years old. You want him to remember to pretend to have a legitimate reason to oppose a bill? He calls any woman under 70 within 10 feet of a telephone, the girl.

For 90, he's crushing. Who could do it better? Any 50-year-old? Sure. Fine. Whatever. Meanwhile, Missouri Congresswoman and squad member Cori Bush confirmed that she's being investigated by the Justice Department for using campaign funds to pay for security. Where you cut down a George Santos, five more George Santoses will grow, cried George Santos, scampering across the ceiling.

I don't know how much we're allowed to play. That's it.

On Sunday, former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she wants the FBI to investigate protesters calling for a ceasefire in the Israel-Hamas war. Honey, we're way ahead of you, said a deep cover Portland area FBI agent snapping his clip on septum ring back into place. Meanwhile, the Capitol Visitor Center accused Republican Congressman Rich McCormick of unsafe actions while on a tour of the Capitol's dome for doing pull ups on a crossbar suspended hundreds of feet above the ground while his staff filmed it.

Get ready with me while I plummet to my dev. Honestly, I do think this sounds like one of the safest things the Republicans done in the Capitol lately. I think we'd all rather he parkour off Daniel Webster's statue into the reflecting pool than text an insurrectionist what Ilhan Omar is wearing while trying to require phrenology in America's schools. That's next. The woke police took the fucking white skulls out of the building. You know what I mean? With the little lines on it where you can tell he's got a degenerate chin.

That kind of thing. Don't bring it back. Just remember, this isn't working here, but you'll remember. A couple years from now, you think, that wasn't that funny. But he was right. They do think phrenology is true again. Now you really will remember. Phrenology will come back. Speaking of daring do in Congress, Capitol Police closed their investigation into the gay Senate sex tape that hit the internet in December, admitting that there's no evidence a crime was committed, but that there was likely a violation of congressional policy. What lawyer stuck that likely in there?

likely a violation of congressional policy. Women have to cover their shoulders on the House floor, but you can't find a spot in the handbook that says you can't fuck on Amy Klobuchar's desk. That's crazy. In the immortal words of Air Bud, ain't no rule says a twink can't get railed in a Senate hearing room. It's a rare win for sodomy. Uh...

Speaking of hot guy on guy action, the police chief of Oak Creek, Colorado has been placed on restricted duties after an incident at a local bar where he allegedly tried to stop the performance of an all-male group called the Magic Hunks. Why, you ask? Because no way they had a permit for all those guns. Awooga. Is that a nightstick in your uniform or are you just happy to see us? Oh, fuck, it's a nightstick.

The police chief was in uniform and on duty and was recorded slamming his hand down on the stage and rushing toward the hunks in an apparent attempt to stop their dancing. Oddly enough, he also had three crisp $1 bills out.

After two years of uncertainty, the highest court in sports has disqualified Russian figure skater Kamila Valieva from the 2022 Beijing Olympics for doping. Valieva denied the charges after exploding Kool-Aid man-like through the exterior wall of the courthouse. The decision means that members of the U.S. Olympic figure skating team who finished second behind the Russians will now receive gold medals. It counts, said the team's parents, setting up a little podium in their backyard while scream crying the Star Spangled Banner.

Imagine training for this moment your entire life and then getting your Olympic gold medal in the mail. Credit card offer, gas bill, Olympic gold medal, jury duty. Speaking of people who have let drugs ruin their career, Elon Musk's crumbling husk of Twitter announced that it will hire 100 content moderators to work at a new trust and safety center of excellence in Austin, Texas. Oh, this just in, 200 eyeballs have melted out of 100 skulls in Austin, Texas. What are 100 fucking people going to do?

It's unbelievable. 100 people. Busy. Busy. How was work today, sweetie? It was busy. Busy, busy, busy, busy. Elon Musk isn't just not smart. He's so fucking stupid. What a disappointment. Busy, busy. Delete, delete, delete, delete, delete. My deleting finger. Delete, delete, delete, delete, delete. So much AI porn. Uh...

All right. The decision was announced just a few days before ex-CEO Linda Iaccarino's scheduled appearance at a Senate Judiciary Committee hearing on online safety. You can rebuild again. You did it once, Linda Iaccarino told herself, frantically packing her suitcase. Just buy a train ticket, pick out a new ridiculous sounding name, and tomorrow a whole new life begins for Helen Blabino. Helen Blabino. Linda Iaccarino.

I'm Linda Iaccarino and we take public safety very seriously at X. That's why we hired 100 people to monitor the internet. We got 100 guys on it now. You'll never believe how good these 100 people are. But boy, are they busy. No time for barbecue. Busy, busy. Delete, delete, delete. 100 people. What the fucking planet? What is happening? I deleted it from my phone.

I'm really going to lose it today. Busy, busy.

At the hearing, senators grilled the CEOs of Facebook, Twitter, and TikTok for giving predators powerful new tools to exploit children. Distracting them from their very important work at the slaughterhouse, chided Lindsey Graham. Also this week, Elon Musk announced that his company Neuralink had implanted one of its brain devices in a human for the first time. It's too soon to tell if the device has conferred any benefit on the recipient, Musk explained. We'll need to wait a bit and see if the guy in the control group also twists off his own head.

Musk, who provided no details about the procedure that installed a chip in a person's brain, wrote that the patient is recovering well and that initial results show promising neuron spike detection. Added Musk, the patient has been emitting what I would call the good kind of scream. I just want to be clear that these are about the same person, the same person who said, don't worry, we hired 100 people.

To protect you on the internet. It's also the guy that said, lie down right there. Yes, yes. Skull up. When you wake up, I'll have put something in your brain. Yep, me, Elon Musk. Sure the cars all rattle. Yeah, that's right. If you close the trunk the wrong way, you'll lose a finger.

When I'm thinking about who I want to design my practical, everyday pickup truck, I would like a South African billionaire whose legacy has never lifted anything.

Over the weekend, Royal Caribbean's new gigantic cruise ship, Icon of the Seas, began its maiden voyage from Miami. The ship can accommodate almost 10,000 people and boasts a water park, seven pools and dozens of bars and restaurants. What will Royal Caribbean cook up next? My guess is sexually transmitted diarrhea. During an appearance on Good Morning America, Larry David shocked the nation, grabbing Sesame Street's Elmo, canonically a three-year-old, and violently shook him.

Larry David later apologized. Apologized for not finishing the job. Kids will now have their own chance to reenact the encounter with this year's hottest toy, Throttle Me Elmo.

A snowboarder visiting Heavenly Ski Resort in Lake Tahoe found herself trapped in a gondola for 15 hours. In freezing overnight temperatures, the snowboarder, Monica Lasso, boarded the gondola to get down the hill at around 5 p.m. on Thursday when it stopped for the night. A job well done, said the gondola's operator, the guy whose friends froze to death in his backyard after watching the Chiefs game.

Lasso's friends reported her missing, but she wasn't found until the next morning when the gondola started up again. Gone girl? More like gondola girl. Sorry guys, that's the syphilis. Said Lasso after being freed from the gondola, I felt very frustrated. Yeah, I bet. A gorgeous understatement. Disappointing visit. I will be knocking a star off my Google review once they finish removing the three black toes. Too much?

A Japanese macaque monkey escaped an enclosure in the Highland Wildlife Park in Scotland on Sunday and was on the run for five glorious days. An official statement from the monkey reads, they may take my life, but they'll never take my freedom. Said nearby resident Carl Nagel, there's been a daily epic monkey hunt going on in this village in the last couple of days. You would think we were chasing an international fugitive instead of an innocent monkey. Actually, it turns out the monkey had been hiding in plain sight as the most beautiful woman in Scotland.

And finally, a New Jersey animal shelter has announced a Valentine's Day promotion. In exchange for a $50 donation, the shelter will name a feral cat after your ex and then neuter or spay that cat. But for $25 more, you could try therapy. When we come back, it's time for some zingers.

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while armed conflicts and natural disasters have displaced 1.26 million people in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. And Gaza has become the deadliest place for civilians in the world. Donations help the IRC provide families affected by humanitarian crises with emergency supplies in the aftermath of a crisis,

and with the resources they need to recover and rebuild their lives for the long term. Just $14 can provide a temporary shelter for a displaced family, and $72 can provide two months' worth of emergency food for a child. Donate today by visiting rescue.org slash rebuild.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. What are your self-care non-negotiables? Maybe you never skip leg day or your skincare routine or therapy day. I have to tell you, I am a creature of routine. And I walk pundit. I get the same quad espresso every morning from Starbucks. Oh, and I also do go to therapy, although I did cancel therapy last night to do Anderson Cooper. Oh.

Healthy, very healthy call. That's real. That's real. Sorry, Dr. Christie, I can't do therapy. I got to go on Anderson Cooper. You can watch. I'll be saying the same things I'll be saying to you. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash love it to get 10% off your first month.

Obviously, you should not do what I did. You should all be in therapy and stick to it. And by the way, I also did Chris Hayes. So it's like therapy or Anderson Cooper plus Chris Hayes is a no-brainer. It's a no-brainer. As is you getting therapy, betterhelp.com slash L-O-V-E-T-T, betterhelp.com slash love it. Have a question or need how-to advice? Just ask Meta AI.

And we're back. Please welcome to the stage,

He's one of the very funny writers for this show and an incredible stand-up. Please welcome Love It or Leave It's very own Will Miles. Hello. Hello.

There you go. That's a real Coke call. I got a real Coke here. That's a real Coke. Nice. So we're here to talk about zingers. Let's talk zingers. Let's talk zingers. You're now contractually obligated to pay attention to politics. So you know that the start of 2024 has opened a new and, in my opinion, exciting door to the more petty, vulgar, and...

Funny zinger. All right. Which is why we're going to pick the best political zinger of the year so far in a segment we're calling political zingers. Oh, look. And there we go. It's like, oh, it's a debate. But Rodney Dangerfield is there, as is Jerry Seinfeld. Hey, you ever notice you can't get no respect? Yeah.

This would be an interesting debate. Yeah. So we're going to rank these people. No, I agree. Rodney Dangerfield. By the way, it's so funny to have Rodney Dangerfield on a debate stage because Donald Trump is the Rodney Dangerfield. Yeah. He was the Rodney Dangerfield of that whole primary, except he's like, I get nothing but respect for some reason. And DeSantis needs to go back to school. What's up, everybody? Hey, hey.

Yeah, and Nikki Haley goes to Caddyshack 2. But only two. Only two.

Remember Caddyshack 2? And Seinfeld loves Pop-Tarts. Yeah, what? Yeah, sure. He made a Pop-Tart movie. He made a Pop-Tart movie? He made a movie about Pop-Tarts. He did? It's coming out in May, yeah. What? Seinfeld made a movie about Pop-Tarts. Seinfeld? Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld, along with Spike Ferristine, who wrote the last season of Seinfeld with him. About Pop-Tarts? They wrote a movie about Pop-Tarts. Wow. I think the teaser just dropped or something.

Okay. These are the things I know, you know? I learned politics from you guys. And this is what I bring to the table. Here's how it's going to work. We're going to rate these zingers on a scale. And at the end, pick the supreme zinger. The options on our scale are Dean Phillips at an open mic. We're going to call you Donald Duck.

Cut from Gutfeld for Time, Bill Maher Wishes, and Two Pudding-Covered Thumbs Way Up. Yuck. What does that quite mean? It's like a, it's Ron DeSantis. It's, you know, it's what it is. All right. All right. First political zinger, it's Jamie Raskin.

calling it like he sees it when it comes to Marjorie Taylor Greene. Is pornography allowed to be, are pornographic photos allowed to be displayed in this committee room, Mr. Chairman? It's not pornography. Okay, you're the expert. I'm not an expert, Mr. Rafferty. He was like it. Is pornography allowed to be displayed? It's not pornography? Well, you're the expert. So, what do you think? He looks, I mean...

I could see her being in a stepmom video is all I'm going to say. Okay. Is that not right to say? I don't know. I mean, no. Well, here's what I'd say. Of course it's not right to say. I think we all know that. That's obvious. That goes without saying. Well, because it could mean anything, I also like it.

Like he didn't necessarily mean that she wasn't born. No, it's if you actually break down what I don't know, if you break down what it means, it sounds like what he's just saying is like, you suck. Because it's like, what do you mean? She's a pornography expert. Like she studies the field. Oh, like because Marjorie Taylor Greene seems like a lot of things. But like, I don't know that you'd go right to. She seems like someone consuming a lot of pornography. Right. That's not in the her brand is terrible.

Yeah. But it doesn't include that. She seems like somebody who wouldn't realize how much her husband's addicted to it. That could be. That could be. Like a tough ask your ex-husband. Yes, exactly. That would have really stepped it up a notch. But I think that would have felt, I think, below the belt. Yeah, I mean, if that was directed at Lauren Boebert, that would have definitely been below the belt, too, for obvious reasons. But I think...

she gave a handjob i don't know yeah she gave a hand she gave a handjob that's a porn actor and it wasn't public so what do you think during beetlejuice i'd be like this is bill maher wishes maybe bill maher wishes all right it was short it was tight it landed okay yeah okay didn't know we were gonna hear that trump flexed his nickname for nikki haley after new hampshire writing on true social writing on true social nikki bird brain haley is very bad for the republican party and our country

Bird brain. What do we think about calling her bird brain? Bird brain is awful. That is. And he's like a terrible person, but he's usually pretty good at nicknames. Yeah. I'd say like, they're not great, but they're at least something where you're like, Oh, I kind of get it. Like, you know, it's like, yeah, it's usually, and it's like, Oh, okay. You're making fun of the race. Bird brain is nothing. I don't get it. I don't get it. Does anyone get it? Has anyone ever been able to like, other than just like, Oh, she's dumb.

What is bird brain? It really shows his age. I've only been called a bird brain by like the oldest teacher at school. Yeah. Bird brain. She looks like a bird. She looks like a bird, I guess. Yeah, I guess in a sense, in the way we all do. Birds brains are small? Is it like calling? Yeah. She's got a tiny little brain in there. Tiny little bird brain. But obviously also Nikki Haley famous. Some birds are, and that's such an important point. Exactly.

Oh, you're saying, so what this would have been like, he should say, Nikki Haley, you're such a bird brain, but not crows who have such advanced memories that they remember the professors even when they're wearing masks that have been shown using tools and that actually can learn very quickly and can use a piece of stick to get a small seed out of a pipette filled with water. So birds, but dumb birds. Yeah.

Not like an ostrich. Okay. No bad ideas. Are ostriches very dumb? They are. They're more dumb than a pigeon. Yeah. I worked at a zoo and it's a long story. That's the sole story right there. Ostriches are stupid because their head's so high up. Yeah.

The giraffes of the bird world. That's very good. That's how I think about it. In that they're both sexy. So hot. So hot. So hot. I feel like Birdbrain's pretty tough. I don't really think it's working. Dean Phillips had an open mic all day. Dean Phillips had an open mic. Sorry. Sorry to that man. All right. Next up.

Biden tag team Nikki Haley. You know, you would know by ending a montage of her campaign Trump critiques with the sign off. I'm Joe Biden and I approve this message. Let's take a look. Nikki Haley is in charge of security. We offered her 10,000 people. They don't want to talk about that. I wasn't in office then. And we did with Obama. We

We won an election that everyone said couldn't be won. You mean President Biden. So don't put our country at risk like this. I'm Joe Biden and I approve this message. So so this is now Biden at his campaign speech in South Carolina made fun of Trump for for losing a step and getting confused between Nancy Pelosi and Nikki Haley. Now they're putting out an ad. I love a.

Republican attacks Republican and then a Democrat slaps on a, I'm Joe Biden, I approve this message. I love it. That's kind of gold. I like it. I like it. And it's the Republican strategy of like taking the thing that people are worried about me having and putting it on somebody else. Yeah. Like, you know, Biden's like kind of losing his mind too. So he's like, well, so is Trump. Hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey. He just, see, he's, Joe Biden has never been, he's never been stronger. I agree. Age, he's a fine fucking wine. That's right. Yeah, it's a little oakier than you may want.

Yeah. But it's in there. In December, I'll call him old again. But right now, yes, we just vote for him. Yeah. In December, he's old. Yes. Until November, he's wise. And don't you fucking forget it. Everybody here remember? He's wise. He's spry. He's wise. He remembers everything. He remembers every goddamn thing. Sharper's a goddamn tack. He runs well. Yeah. He's at this fucking job 2017-4. Yeah.

He can do steps. He can do all the steps. I bet if here's what I do actually genuinely believe, wrap it up. Yep. Yep. I know. I'm moving along. All I'll say is this. New York times had a thing about how you can test not just your strength, but your power by standing up over and over again on a chair. And I'm saying, I'm not saying Joe Biden would do great, but I'm saying he'd do better than Donald fucking Trump. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. This does make me feel powerful. Yeah.

I'm saying it's two pudding-covered fingers. I'm going two pudding-covered fingers. Fuck yeah. I'm uncomfortable saying it, but yeah, I'm going with that. Here's Donald Trump on Tim Scott getting engaged. He's engaged to be married. We never thought this was going to happen. I love it. I love it because Tim Scott is A, standing on that stage, and B, someone that is meant to be his friend. Yeah.

But he couldn't help it. Tim Scott is like, so my grandma believes that Gary Owen, Gary Owen's this white comedian who she won't believe is white. She thinks he's black. She's not going to stand on him being, he's obviously white. Tim Scott is like somebody who, if you tell me he's black, I'm going to deny it every time. Tim Scott is not black. I'm sorry. I don't know him. We've never talked about him in the black community. He's not one of us. I don't know him at all.

That is a mean thing to say. It's kind of good, though. It's not like a zinger. It's just sort of like a funny... It's a Seinfeld observation. It's like, why don't I make the whole loser out of the Tim Scott? You know what I mean? Kind of a thing. It's also kind of current events because we never saw the girlfriend, so it's like...

He's like, we never knew this would happen. And then all of a sudden there they were on the beach. I think maybe cut from Gelfeld for time. It's funny, but you don't need it. It's in the middle. I would go on the, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice. But like a little to the left in the same thing. I know. Yeah, yeah. All right. Here is Biden. Let's do on Wednesday, Nikki Haley's campaign issued a poster for the company Grumpy Old Men with you guessed it. Wow. Wow.

It's Biden and Trump photoshopped on the poster for the Jack Clem and Walter Matthau classic, Grumpy Old Man. What do you think? This is top notch. Yeah, it's really good. This is a good one. It's simple and it's to the point and it's kind of correct, so...

I give it the top one. Yeah, it is. It's good. Good job. Two pudding fingers. And let's end on this, this incredible summary of Donald Trump from E. Jean Carroll after she was awarded 83 million of his dollars. He's nothing. He is without, he is like a walrus snorting, like a rhino flopping his hand. It was, he is not there. That was the surprising thing to me.

Just, do you ever see the movie Heat? Yeah, oh yeah. You know when Robert De Niro says, because I'm talking to an empty telephone, there's a dead guy on the other end of this phone? That's that. Yeah, that's higher than two pudding covered fingers. Yeah, that's the best. That's the best. That's by far. That's best. That's great.

And so I think we're going to declare that the winner? Yeah, got to be the winner. Got to be the winner. Because she also has $85 million as a result of that joke. Right, and you know, zing. Yeah, zing. The biggest zing is money. And that's what we've always said. The biggest zing is money. Guys, give it up for Will Miles. Thank you, thank you. He hosts the cult classic comedy show right here in LA every Monday. You make this show so funny, man. Thank you, thank you. And on March 8th, Will has a show called

Kid Ha Ha's Playhouse. Where is it? It's here. It's here. At Dynasty Typewriter. So come check it out. 1030. Thanks so much. Good to see you, buddy. Good to see you. Hi. We'll be back for The Wheel later. And we're back. In celebration of Black History Month, welcome to the stage, a woman who makes black history every day of her life. It's the scam goddess herself, Lacey Mosley. Oh, oh, hey.

There she is. There she is. She's nice. Hi. Hello. Hi. Look at, I like this dress. Very pretty. Welcome back. Good to see you. It's so good to see you. You look great. Oh, thanks. Thanks. It's going so good so far. Look at you with your leg up and everything. Okay. No, I liked it.

All right, let's talk about, just before we get into it, where we at on scams in 2024? Stanley Cups, is that a scam? What's on your mind? Okay, so the Stanley Cup girlies, I feel so bad for y'all because I saw that they were testing them for lead and it was giving lead. You know?

But I mean, like, what isn't a carcinogen these days? You know what? Oh, so important. If you already got a purse for your Stanley Cup and you got it, you know, you bedazzled it and you did the lamination, like, just keep going, girl. You're still drinking water. It's going to even out. There's sometimes you'll like, I feel like in California, there are so many things, people, there's so many places and things like Trivial Pursuit style labeled, hey, FYI, somewhere here,

carcinogens and it's like how am I supposed to live in this place how am I supposed to move through the world what am I supposed to do with this information this parking garage has just letting you know this parking garage uh-uh well okay what do you should I not go to this hospital it's in a building at one point in LA that the elevator said it had carcinogens in it and I was like well to the 30 go what am I gonna do

Yeah. What are we going to do? Then Stanley cups. And again, I don't care about these cups, but the company said, like we put out a statement saying, no, like lead is just involved in the process. And actually the lead is underneath the inside. So you'll never see the lead. The lead's just like, don't even worry about the lead. And I'm like, on the one hand, sure. On the other. Okay. I find it hard to believe you couldn't figure out how to do this without lead. Like that's, it needs lead. You can't get this done. You can't make a cup.

in 2024 that like I understand why Benjamin Franklin couldn't do it I understand why he thought he needed lead to make cups why do you Megacorp need lead they just need to rebrand and be like yeah well yes lead okay yeah because and

it classy because back in the Roman Empire days like they literally like rich people would have the worst diet so they would put lead in everything they would put lead in their water they would put lead in their wine they would eat the fattiest meats and then all of the like serfs and poor people would eat like vegetables and fruit and clean water and shit so they just need to be like you're living like a rich Roman get into it it's kind

Lead. Yeah. Lead. Hey, is life so good? Well, what if it had little dancing butterflies all the time? Because you're losing your mind because of lead. Lead the way. Like lead the way. Yeah. Lead the way. I can do this for that. I can help them. Yeah. Those. Yeah. You can either lead, follow, or get out of the way. Okay.

Hey, would you, do you think that, do you think that Elon Musk is the right person to put stuff in people's brains? Or is that a scam? Oh, Elon, you couldn't even put people in cars, girl. They blowing up and now they, now they freezing in Chicago and shit. Like,

And they're like, oh, well, this car isn't right for all terrains. Because you know, with the Tesla, if you're driving it in a place that's really cold, it uses more energy. So there's been this surge of people who are either at charging stations that are broken and they don't have enough to charge their car, or they're driving and the bitch is just like, goodbye, because they had enough charge when they left. And then they didn't realize that it was less because it was cold outside.

Yeah. And they say don't put a Tesla through a car wash. Like, bitch, what? I can't take it through, like, the Exxon Mobil gas station? So, no, no chips in the brain from Elon. Absolutely not. Yeah, no chips in the brain. I agree. I agree. And honestly, it was that picture of him on the yacht that really sealed it. And people should not invest anymore. Because when I saw him on the yacht, he looked like a dolphin, like, standing up. And he was, like, sucking in.

And I was just like, what in the sea world is going on? You can't give that man money. Wasn't he also like kind of being hosed down by a different billionaire in that photo? Yeah. Interesting. And he was sucking in because he was puffing up his chest. And like as someone who has to suck in constantly, like you have to suck in and then like relax your shoulders. You can't just. Oh, man. His daddy said he saw that. The daddy saw his pic and was like, you ugly. Yeah. You got nine kids. Don't look after your children. Yeah.

He has a bad dad. That's not his fault. As I mentioned, I mean, Elon Musk has a bad dad. So one thing is not his fault. That's just part of it. It's not Elon's fault that Elon has a bad dad. Oh, it's not his fault that he has a bad dad. It is his fault that he is a bad dad. Yeah, generational trauma. Especially in California, we got ads up everywhere, billboards that say, take time to be a dad. And look, as you know, on this show, we really believe that billboards work.

Now, as we mentioned, it is Black History Month. Yes. And so today we're going to be doing a Love It or Leave It cultural exchange in a segment we're calling A Cultural Exchange. I love black people! Oh my God. Wait, what is the song? What is this? That sucks. Oh, no, they didn't Photoshop you and Nancy Pelosi. Oh my God, I'm down, Pat. That sucks. Not the kids take care.

That sucks. All right, fine. John, the kids hate King Jumbo. It's great. I think I actually look really good in that picture. You really do. Honestly, it's giving. Those are my colors. You should consider it. I'm going to do it. That's real ally shit. Fuck a black square. Post that. Yep, yep. Let's get that on the internet. Why not? Now, we each have stories we're going to bring. Now, you are going to talk about the ongoing Nicki Minaj versus Megan Thee Stallion feud. Yes.

And again, like, I really don't know very much about this. And first of all, should I feel bad about that? And I believe this is somehow has been somehow Megan's law has been brought into this. Yes, it has. Hey, what's happening? OK, so I have to preface this with I almost did not take on this story because I.

Nicki Minaj has fans called Barbz, and they are one of the most aggressive fan bases. They've been doxing people, anybody who has any dissent. I want to stay straight up that the timeline I'm going to give you is from XXL Magazine. Take it up with them. Take it up with them. Also, if you try to find me and dox me, baby, I am very litigious. I will find you. I am better than Liam Neeson. I don't need a neck chop.

I will garnish the wages of you and your family members for the rest of your life. I am Petty, capital T, with me. Okay. And that's not for y'all. I know y'all ain't barbs. But that's for the girlies who might listen or catch wind because we know he's popping and this is going to be everywhere. So I just have to preface it with that statement. That's so sweet. Because I know where I am and I know who's platform I'm on. It is a surprisingly popular show.

And not enough people are saying it. So, the Nicki Minaj and Megan Thee Stallion beef. I'm going to take you on a little ride. And yes, I do have notes on my phone because I told you this is sourced. Now, I do know it and I'm going to add some tea, but here we go. So, Nicki Minaj and Megan Thee Stallion.

They've been at odds for a few years now. That is tea. Okay. So obviously like it really popped off this past couple of weeks on January 26th. Megan Thee Stallion released a song called Hiss. And that's where she really got everyone together. And what's wild is we're not spending enough time on the men. Okay. Because in the song, Megan is talking about Drake getting a BBL.

You know what I mean? She's talking about people standing up in hoods they don't belong in like a bad bitch. Y'all know Drake is from Canada. He is not one of ours. I love him though, but you know, sometimes I'll be like, sir, what are you doing? I'll be side-eyed. Like, what you doing? A BBL? Yeah. That's cool. Well, a boy BL because... So a BBL, if you don't know, is a Brazilian butt lift. It's an extremely dangerous surgery. It has like one of the highest mortality rates, but it's where they will suck fat out of... A Brazilian. Yeah. Oh, no. No.

That's not right. I'm sorry. Look up Dr. Miami if you're curious. He got a tix on. But they suck the fat out of your stomach and your thighs and they'll inject it into your bootay so that you can have a wagon to be dragging. And you know, the rap girlies really made it popular. A lot of them have the enhanced butts, which is wild to me because like God gave most of the people with my color some ass. So I don't know why we got to go overboard. But yeah. That's gilding the lily.

So yeah, but there's like so many straights. Tori Lance, she really came after everybody and gathered everyone, but Nicki took hers to heart. Okay, so this is when Nicki and Megan were friends. They did the Hot Girl Summer song, and that was 2019, and it charted 11 on the Billboard charts, which is pretty cute, especially for a little rap girly song. Y'all remember that real ass bitch in the Hot Girl Summer? No, y'all wasn't there for the summer? Okay, okay, I was there.

So their beef kind of started in 2020 when Megan Thee Stallion did a song with Cardi B called WAP. Now I know y'all know that because that made it to Fox News. That crossed over for sure. Yeah, the wet ass pussy, okay? And now that song charted number one and it went platinum eight times. And that's with Cardi. And if you know, Nicki Minaj and Cardi have had beefs

for a long time. Like, they was at, like, Met Gala events and Cardi was throwing shoes and shit and they, you know, they've been fighting. So I think Nicki might have taken, allegedly might have taken that as, like, disloyalty. So, because they had been cool before that. They were doing Instagram lives, they were doing all these promos, they were together and it seemed really cute. So then after WAP, in 2021, Nicki...

put a little shade in her song, "Seeing Green." And she said, "One margarita pizza with parmesan, garlic, these bitches thirsty. I can see why they alcoholics." So she was talking about Megan. And then if you've listened to some of Megan's recent music, she's talking about how she was drinking more, she was depressed. I mean, she lost her mama, her daddy, and her grandma in a very rapid succession. That's tough. And then she got shot! Like, damn! Let the bitch be!

Yeah, you could be sad. And it's okay to be sad. It is. It is. Sometimes you're just going to be sad. Yeah, exactly. So then in 2022, Meg unfollowed. And you know the girls love to look at who's following who. I don't know how they keep up. I can't pay attention to my own social media. But she unfollowed Nicki and Doja Cat. Wow. And so then in September 2022, if y'all know, Nicki Minaj has a podcast. I guess it's a podcast. It's a radio show. What is anything anymore? Nothing.

I don't even know radio where she gets on there and she talks and she mentioned someone. Everybody's got a fucking podcast. Yeah, right. Listen, I have one, too. You know, this is what we do now. But she mentioned someone's someone no pressuring her to drink while she was pregnant.

And this is what she said. This is a quote. Imagine telling someone you didn't want to drink because you were at the time possibly pregnant because you were actively having a baby. Imagine that a person said, oh, girl, you can just go to the clinic. Well, that's that's that's a good podcasting. I'll say that.

Truly. It's good content. But then also while she's been on the tweet rant for a while, she said that like she wasn't pregnant at the time and that she had told Megan that she wasn't pregnant in a response tweet. And then she deleted that one because I think it was like, oh, I was supposed to say that part. But it's like,

It strikes me so far that these are two people that just need to go get a coffee. You know? Yeah. I think we should get coffee. Should we split like a little banana bread? Like one of those, you know? That's what's needed. Not tweets. Not at all. Not at all. Megan hasn't been responding this whole time. But anyway, to speed this up. So she does some more diss songs or whatever. And then Megan came out with Hiss on January 26th. And there is a line in it.

that is really what sparked what has now reached national news. I was like, damn, now the white people are in it, for real. Hence the segment. So Megan said, these hoes don't be mad at me. These hoes mad at Megan's love.

And so she's making a point at, you know, mad at Megan. They're mad at Megan's law because if you don't know, which in California, like Megan's law, Megan Kanka was unfortunately a young girl. She was seven years old and she was sexually assaulted and murdered by a neighbor in the neighborhood. And this person had been a convicted sexual offender and she,

at the time was no way to like alert neighbors of like, if you know, somebody creepy nasty has, you know, pulled up on the cul-de-sac. And so her family and the law, like, you know, they made this law. So Nicki Minaj's husband, his name is Kenneth Petty. And he, um, was convicted of assaulting a young woman, uh, named Jennifer. I'm gonna say her last name, but, um, like, yeah,

years ago. Maybe the 90s, but he went to jail for I think like five years for it. And so he is a sexual He's a convicted sex offender on the list. He's a convicted sex offender. So when he moved to Los Angeles, he, with Nicky,

He didn't register as an offender right away, like in the time period that they give you. So then, you know, the LAPD was like, and, you know, so he got put on house arrest. So I think Nikki took this as a direct shot, which is what led into this like spiral. But that's like true. But basically that was that.

She basically said like, oh, you're mad at me. You're with a sex offender. Basically. It could be interpreted that way. It could be interpreted that way. And I'm not. She said no names. She said no names. But it definitely could be. And that's what set this whole thing off. Yes. And now we're up to speed. Yeah. Because also Nicki Minaj does have a brother who is currently incarcerated for assaulting a minor sexually. So there's like multiple. Yeah.

So there's like orbiting, there's, yeah. But a lot of people didn't know this. So I wish that Nicki Minaj hadn't like gone on this tear because now I'm like, it's on national news and like they're showing all of your husband's mugshots and stuff and like people didn't really

notice other than the people who were like really fucking true oh and then to wrap this up the quick button on that is that nikki runage like has been on twitter for like three days straight day and night like tweeting at megan tweeting at everyone um and she made a diss song um called bigfoot where she's talking i guess megan the sign is tall so also wasn't she wasn't she shot on the foot yes so it's also about that like get on your good foot bigfoot you

Yes, those are lines in it. I listened to it when it dropped. I would say just from just gathering all of this in my mind, it does seem like two women really going at one another for some terrible shit men did in various capacities. Just like, you know, a man that did something bad. Well, this other man also did something bad to you. And this other guy did something bad to somebody else.

God, I hate you because these men are so bad. You know, when you think about it again, just you split up, you get a walnut bread, you cut it down the middle and then you kind of pick at it while you're talking, you know, and it's so nice because it's in the afternoon. It's not going to ruin dinner. You're still, you're not so hungry after lunch. You each get a little coffee and then you have a little bit of just a sweet treat in the afternoon. We're one sweet treat. DizTracks never made two people fall back in love, but

I don't think that there's any, any walnut bread for the girlies because that's a shame. Like Nikki was, Nikki was putting out a lot of like subs that could have been for Meg or not. But like, obviously this song was, and in the song, she, uh, there's a verse that's like lying on your dead mama, lying on your dead mama, lying on your dead mama. There were barbs who like had tweeted out the address of, uh,

Megan, the stallion's mother who passed away from brain cancer, like the address of her cemetery plot. And we're like, oh, you know what to do. And now there's like, this was on Fox News today. There's like higher security over there now because they're worried that someone might desecrate a grave or anybody else's grave. Like they dox people. Just like two people in balaclavas about to desecrate an old woman's grave. And they're like, hey, do you think that that are we toxic fans?

When they talk about toxic fandom, are they talking about us? Nah, I don't think so. Let's go get that grave. Right. Let's go look up this person

Let's go get that rapper's mom's grave. Let's post this one person who put a video up on TikTok. Let's post their grandma's address on the internet. Like, why? It's just so toxic. And I mean, but that's not, I'm not going to allege, I'm not going to say that that's Nicki's thing, the fans though. But I will say, like, the end of the song, Bigfoot, it scared me a little bit because I listened to it when it dropped at midnight because I'm nosy. And at the end, it's like, you need to apologize to your mother.

And if you don't, it's like all, it's just like a spoken word at the end. And I was like, I think I need to sage my house. Like, and someone even put it to, you know, that scene in Scream where Drew Barrymore picks up the phone and is like, hello. Like they put that on there. Like, you need to apologize. Like Drew Barrymore like, oh my God. You know, it's scary. It was a little scary. One person goes inside and puts the order in. The other person gets the table. John wants y'all to have lunch. I'm not kissing. Now this, this wouldn't be an exchange thing.

if I didn't bring something to the table, and I don't have a winding tale of feuds and intrigue. What I do have is a single ad that I think is one of the most unhinged pieces of content I've ever seen in my entire life, and you'll understand why I view it as an exchange in this context. Let's roll the footage. It's Edie Falco from The Sopranos holding a block of cheese and a knife. Nice jacket. Good luck.

Two men steal her cheese. Which other? Which other?

Now it shows, it says on screen, cheese isn't your baby, but it robs a mother of hers. PETA, every animal is someone. This is going to play during the Super Bowl. I genuinely believe this ad is going to be responsible for the deaths of so many cows. Like this ad is going to radicalize so many people. They're going to be people that are going to order fucking pizza and nachos because this ad is going to give them the idea.

I hate this ad so much. Like, I can't think of something less persuasive than like, like Edie Falco, by the way, 10 out of 10, Emmy. Like, I want to see the movie.

I want to know where the cheese went. I want her to be like Halle Berry because she's been in tons of movies where she loses her kid. Losing Isaiah. She always loses her kid. I want to see Edie fight for her cheese. She goes all the fucking way. She brings it. What was it like on that set? Edie's like, I need to do one more. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. No, no. It's going to be real. This one's going to be so fucking... She's like, don't talk to me. My cheese is my baby. My cheese is my baby. Baby Belle. Baby Belle. But the idea that...

During the Super Bowl. You're not putting this during Fleischman's in trouble. You know, this is not airing during the curse. This is airing during the Super Bowl. Like the nachos wings pizza event of the season. And you're going to be like, actually, don't just say that. It's fucking crazy. No.

I love it, John. I love it. I'm so sorry. We know PETA are stunt queens. They love to give us a moment. And I live for it. It's such fun trolling. I'm still going to eat cheese. I'm going to dip my chip harder. I just think like, hey, there are great alternatives. You should maybe check them out. Not, you know? The goal is not to make people feel bad. No, guilt is the way. They throw paint on people. They do weird ads. I don't think it's a very good ad. I think Edie Falco is a national treasure. She is.

Thank you so much, Lacey. Thank you. Pre-order her book, Scam Goddess, Lessons from a Life of Cons, Grifts, and Schemes. And of course, listen to Scam Goddess. When we come back, we're talking love. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way.

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in our opinion. So join now. You won't regret it unless you hate fun. Subscribe to the Friends of the Pod community only at cricket.com slash friends. We will see you there. And we're back. Please welcome to the stage, memoirist, political comedian, the Trevor Noah of my heart personally. It's incredible, Dulce Sloan. Thank you so much. Is this thing on? Yeah, it's on. Okay, we've got something happening. Someone's happening. Hi, how are you doing? Good to see you. Hola.

Good to see you again. The last time I saw you in person was at Radio City Music Hall in 2019. Oh, with Stacey Abrams. With Stacey Abrams. I met her so many times. Okay. Watch your feet, everybody.

I'm sorry? Names are dropping. Oh, no, I was just, because I couldn't remember. I was like, I know we were in a big place, but where were we? I truly could not remember. Radio City Music Hall. We did it right before the pandemic. It was like in the end of 2019. Got it under the line. Before the panty drop, right? That's right. Now, you co-hosted The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie Mattel this week. Were you thinking, let's knock out all the white gays in one week? What's...

Well, listen, the white gays have done so much for my people. But also we've done so much for y'all. So thank you so much. How would you say girl if not for us? Girl? Girl? Girl. Girl. Ah, yes. So...

I love Trixie. I'm a huge fan of hers. So I was very excited that I got to do it because she's like, I'm so glad you're here. I was like, I'm so glad you're here. And that was the first 45 minutes of the podcast. Was just not understanding how the other one was there. But it was really great. It was an inspiration because her whole condo was like her studio. And I was like, okay, all right. Next level of success. Got it. Now you've also been nominated for a GLAAD Award for your Daily Show interview with Sasha Colby. Yes, mother! I am now a member.

from Caldi. You're welcome. Now, this show hasn't been nominated, despite the fact that we've had pathbreaking segments like, would you fuck this ghost? And would you fuck this alien? Which I think we're both very queer people.

Listen, as a black person, I must tell you, because people really wonder about, like, do black people believe in ghosts? We definitely do. So we don't fuck with them. As a rule, if we know they're somewhere, we don't go there. It is a known real estate fact that if you tell black people a house is haunted, we don't even want to see a picture of that fucking house. Well, you should. I don't give a fuck who's in there. Unless it's the Holy Ghost, I'm not going. Give a fuck. Yeah, we don't fuck with ghosts.

Aliens? We believe in them. But, you know, listen, if you're going to be in, don't come. Aliens, if you can hear me, don't come. Oh, you don't want them to come? I think that'd be so interesting. White people would kill them. Right. No, for sure. Yes! No, but I mean, right. But if they got here, they're probably smart, you know? And they'd maybe, they'd anticipate that because they'd seen all our movies. You know, because the movies got there. Listen, aliens. What he's saying is a trick.

Don't let this white man convey his own land. Stay in the stars, my friends. Hey, I just think you're like, when have human beings upon encountering something unfamiliar ever reacted poorly? Why do you think I speak English and live in America? Right, right, right. I'm not supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be in Africa with sandals on. And yet here you are with a new book. Here I am in America being cold.

You have a new book called Hello Friends, Stories of Dating, Destiny, and Day Jobs. Hey, as someone, you know, dating, it's the best. What's your favorite dating story that's in the book? Well, one of the best boyfriends I ever had was a convicted felon. And listen, they'll love you because they're so happy to be on the outside. And he's the nicest, sweetest man. He's giant. His nickname was Baby Suge. And

Because I also, I mean, for a long time, had a real heart for Suge Knight. Hey, man, sometimes you just need a hood-ass dude to be like, how you doing today? I'm like, I'm great, sir. How are you? Because you just need to know that, like, if I look at somebody and go, him, you're like, all right, you might not see that dude again. And that's a lot of power to have. And I wilted with responsibility. But I will say this. He one day, it was my 25th birthday.

And, oh, I just found out me and Lacey have the same birthday. I thought you were going to say boyfriend. No. Well, that's... No, no, no, no, no. I'm currently single, which is confusing because my titties are amazing. Thank you so much. And so for my 25th birthday, my mother took me to the newly opened Georgia Aquarium. And everything in there looks delicious. And so...

I told him that's what we were doing for our birthday. He couldn't come because he had to work one of his many jobs that he was allowed to work as a felon in the state of Georgia. And he was like, "An aquarium? What's that?" I said, "What?" He said, "Is it like a museum?" And I was like, "Yeah, for fish." "Yo, let me call you back." And then I had to just take a second to figure out if this is the penis that I needed to see again.

Because he didn't know what an aquarium was. But technically, he was right. An aquarium is a museum for fish. You see what I'm saying? It's a museum. A fish. It's a museum. Right, right. It's a living museum. Right. It's a zoo. I was about to say, a zoo is what came to mind for me. Well, I'd say a museum is a zoo for paintings.

When you think about it. More like an arboreum, but okay. Maybe more of a greenhouse for paintings. It breaks your brain, doesn't it? It breaks your fucking brain. What is this? Well, then what is a zoo? A dry aquarium. Or a playground for elephants. Is it a dry aquarium? It makes you go, wow.

For a man that didn't graduate from high school, you sure have me in a tizzy. And it didn't work out? Well, no, it didn't. Because he started doing things that were a little illegal again. And I told him, in the words of the rapper Monaleo, I ain't holding no nigga down, so bitch, you better not go to jail. I told him, I'm not coming. Don't call me. I'm not being helpful. And the day he told me that he was starting to do illegal stuff,

He took me to dinner and then we hung out and as we were sharing our post-coita cigarette, he was like, hey, I'm kind of doing crime. And I was like, okay, we're breaking up. He's like, yeah, I know. That's why I took you to a nice dinner. Where'd you go? What kind of food? When I say nice, that was loose. That was loose. It was somewhere that had a wait, but

That's good. That means it's in demand. People are willing to wait for it. Listen, I waited many times for spinach artichoke dip. When I was a kid, my dad used to say, nobody goes to Bertucci's. There's always a line. Who's she? Bertucci's? Yes. It was a godforsaken Italian restaurant along. I don't know. I'm like, wow, New York is...

as shit. I lived in New York. I know there's no Mexicans out there. And they were like, hey, we're going to get people in the doors. We need to name this Mexican restaurant after an Italian. Isn't lasagna just a rolled up enchilada anyway? And that's such an important point. Well, I would say, right. Manicotti is a top

And yeah, Bertucci's was like an aquarium for pizza. Yes! Or just the school of fish. I love aquariums. They're wonderful. I do have a story in the book about us going to the Tennessee Aquarium, which is in Chattanooga, Tennessee. And there is a... It's very interesting because they have a... It's like a saltwater tank with all the beautiful fish that you find in the Pacific. And then they have a freshwater exhibit.

And I don't know if you've ever seen a fish in a river, but it's brown. And in this particular summer, they had a catfish exhibit. And my mama and some country ass white man spent their entire visit plotting on the catfish to the point that they were almost asked to leave. Because my mama and this country man, he was like, listen, I got some fish lures in the car. We can figure this out right now. And the girl working there was like, please stop trying to eat our fish.

I remember when I was a kid and you'd go to the pet store and you were going to get like a bowl to have one fish in it. You'd walk past these just vibrant, beautiful rainbow blues and neon fish, which were the saltwater fish. And be like, no, no, no.

We don't get a fish from there. You get to pick one of these fish, one of these little brown or just a goldfish. You know what I mean? You don't get the fun fish. The fun fish are the real freaks who are going to monitor the salt levels. You get a bowl that you clean with a brush, and in that bowl goes just one dumb, ugly, forgettable fucking fish that'll be dead in six weeks. That's why betas got so big. Beta fish, because you can just put this fish in tap water. It'll be fine. They had to change. Remember the original name of betas?

Chinese fighting fish. Yes. And then somebody was like, Hey, we should probably not call them this anymore. It's don't seem nice, but they're like, you literally, but when you see the baiters, they were all an individual little cups because you put them in the same place. That's no good. That's like how they renamed Patagonian toothfish. Mahi Mahi, which was, I think good for the fish market, bad for the Patagonian toothfish, you know, Patagonia mountain. I think it's a, it's a, it's a vest and a location. Yeah.

It's a South. It's a, it's a, I think it's a region. It's like a, Oh, wrap it up. Listen, if I'm good for anything, it's a tangent. And we're loving it. I'm just here to help. Yeah, mama.

I talk about dating. I've been asked recently about dating advice and it just feels like the blind leading the blind and somebody's got to be the dog. And that's going to be... Speaking of blind leading blind, you know what? We don't know... Brian, you said before the show that you wanted some advice. Is that right? Yeah, I need some advice. Brian always needs advice. I always need advice. You want advice about men? Yeah. From me? Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Also, if I went on a date with you in the past week, turn this off. I'm going to keep this quick for Adam. So I went on a date with this guy Friday. We went to a coffee shop. I thought it goes well. Who paid? He paid.

I was not going to be interested if you didn't say that. Good. I deserve it. And so we were talking on Hinge. And so after the date, I messaged him my number and he doesn't reply for the rest of the day. And I was like, oh, I guess I'm a straight up situation. I guess I liked him more than me. Rare. And I wake up the next day to a message from him that says, hey, you're very cute. Correct. You're really easy to talk to, of course. But there was no spark. And I was like, oh, OK.

I was like, I demonstrate the situation. I take rejection incredibly well. So I said, okay, that's fine. If you ever want to go to a play, we talked about theater a lot. Let me know. He immediately replies. I would absolutely love that. Oh, he want to be friends.

yes fuck that so I say well wait wait wait so I say this is gonna sound like a trap but I have two tickets to Sweeney Todd on Valentine's Day Brian Jesus Christ just you were hey sorry I have the floor I like Brian and he was like I'm falling for the trap let's do it and I was like and then so we go back and forth I'm flirting about how I'm gonna trap him on Valentine's Day he's playing ball and he's like you know Valentine's Day is really far away do you want to hang out before then

And I say, sure. He's like, let's get the dogs together for a play date. And I was like, okay. Is that gay for sex? I wish. I have a lot of doggy play dates. And so, yeah, sure. I was like, sure. I work from home Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. And he was like, let's do Monday. And I was like, you are a little eager beaver for someone who didn't feel a spark. And then he texted me today. And then we have this not date, doggy play date. We spend four hours at a coffee shop. He could have left at any time. And then today he asked me if I want to go dancing tomorrow.

Oh, no. You made a friend, dog. You made a friend. Legitimately. The man already told you there's no spark. So y'all want to woo? You made a friend. And please do not think that you didn't. I'm telling you as somebody who just quit talking to somebody who's been talking to me for months because I was nice to him in a moment.

And he never wanted to see my lady parts. He just wanted. And so his dick was on my phone. But he knew that if I didn't see no dick, I wouldn't have kept talking to him. Because I wasn't. The last thing I need is more fucking friends. You work from home Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I knew that's where you were going. Okay. Okay, I'm going to go. Producer Brian, everybody. He's your friend. Lie to you. Don't see his penis. It's a trap.

Dulce's new... Dulce's new book, Stories of Dating, Destiny, and Day Jobs is out on February 6th. And you can hear her on season four of The Great North on Fox when we come back. Black history. And we're back. Before we get...

to the black history wheel, I guess. Vote Save America is back with a brand new political action finder that finds volunteer opportunities specifically for you. You go to VoteSaveAmerica.com, you check a few boxes, it will find the volunteer opportunities that will make the biggest impact from your state all the way to the White House. If you go to VoteSaveAmerica.com right now, you can sign up. Uh,

Basically, you just answer some questions, what you're willing to do, where you are, whatever, and it'll start giving you the things that you can do directly. Basically, we're trying to, we know people are getting a million texts and tons of emails, and it's very confusing. We're trying to make Vote Save America a place where you can go, sign up, and you'll find the best ways to donate. You'll find the best places to volunteer, and you can kind of use that instead of being deluged with other requests that you're not totally sure how to manage. And Vote Save America just did a redesign. It's awesome. So please go to votesaveamerica.com, check it out, sign up.

Also, airplanes may be falling apart left and right, but I'm not about to let it keep us from going on tour. We're going on planes. Because here's the thing. My ticket was non-refundable. Love it or leave it. We'll be coming to Washington, D.C. on April 25th for a show at the Lincoln Theater. Tickets are going really fast, so head to crooked.com to get those tickets right now. Okay. Dulce has graciously agreed to stick around. I'm here. Will and Lacey, come back out. Lacey!

I thought the clock was slow. All right, here we go. Now it's time. We don't have time for black history? We do. We got to make time. We got to each get one minute. And the shortest month of the year. Wow. The show clock is... Here we go. Get that off the fucking screen. All right. I love it. I want it. Now...

Now it's time. We're going to elevate a moment from black history on the wheel. We have Sidney Poitier in Sneakers in the Jackal. We have the band's death. We have Living Color. We have Bam Bam, Caller ID, and Call Waiting. The three to six months before white Twitter finds out what we're up to and makes it less fun. Method Man, Mansa Musa being so rich. Oh, yeah, Mansa Musa being so rich and ruined the economy of Egypt. And the night Beyonce dropped self-titled. And Dusty Baker and Glenn Burke inventing the high five. Oh, I love that one. All right.

Let's go. We each got one minute. Let's spin it. Caller ID. Is that yours? Yes. Caller ID. So basically what happened, it's Dr. Shirley Jackson worked for AT&T and she created Caller ID and Call Waiting because if we know anything, it's that black people do not like you playing on their phone. I am. Now, she was the first woman to get a doctorate from MIT.

And she worked for AT&T Bell Labs, where she conducted research in theoretical physics, solid state and quantum physics and optical physics, leading to her two technologies, call waiting and caller ID, among many other things. That's cool. Bell Labs rules. Let's spin it again. She said, hold on. Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up.

The night Beyonce dropped self-titled. Hmm. So, here we go. The day, Friday, it was the 13th. She made it hers. In 2013, Beyonce dropped self-titled in the middle of the night and we were up and it was stuck. Uh,

Nobody has ever dropped an album with zero promotion. And we were all on the internet. It was a clamor. It was a stammer. I stayed up. I watched the entire thing. And it was very reminiscent of how artists used to drop music and art and everything at the same time. The album cover, it's black. The letters are pink. It's Beyonce.

And so I just had to give a shout out to her because unlike YouTube, which love y'all, but they colonized our phones, our iPhones with that album. And Beyonce just released it out to the world and it was beautiful. And I also just want to say at the end because I've been talking about so much pop culture that there was a black woman who was...

very much responsible for the reason that we have GIFs now and also a lot of the streaming technology that is on Hulu and everywhere else. So, black people, we out here. Black History. Nice. Let's spin it again. In STEM. Women in STEM. Women in STEM. Women in STEM. That's so important.

Method Man is a cultural icon. Yeah, that's one of mine. Method Man is a beautiful Black stoner. So sexy. So beautiful. My wife met Method Man with me in the room, and I was not in the room anymore. I met Method Man and the world disappeared. Yeah, right? He is gorgeous, and he was very nice to me. I worked on this show called Gethard Show, and my dad had just gotten cancer, and he talked to me for like 30 minutes about cancer and his wife.

And then he shared a blunt with me. So he's maybe the nicest human being in the world. Wow. And then he just expanded his career from rapper into so many different things. He's a host of a show, which is like a rap show or whatever it is. I've never seen it, but it's good, I'm sure.

And he smells good. He smells nice. He smells amazing. Which is very big in the black community. Like, you're like, ooh, she pretty. Does she smell good? Yeah. We're very impressed about smells. We are. I smell really good. And he drinks good. She does smell great. And he drinks good juices and, like, stuff like that. Like, Styles P, Method Man, they drink good juices. Nice. Think about it. We got to drink better juices. We got to be drinking better juices, people. Let's spin it one more time.

I would like to discuss Sidney Poitier in the film specifically, not Raisin in the Sun, not any of the iconic path-breaking films for which he was celebrated and known. I specifically want to talk about the film Sneakers and the film The Jackal. We have a clip. This is from Sneakers. I'm getting my bag and I'm leaving. So relax, Kreese. Watch how he does this. I'll relax when we get that damn thing out of here. Until then, you stay. Here he says one more thing.

I just want to hear is one more thing. Here it is. There isn't a government on this planet that wouldn't kill us all for that. Now, the reason I include this is because that is the dumbest writing in fucking 90s history. That movie would collapse if Sidney Poitier wasn't in it. But if that's not even the best example, show the other clip. I know we're almost done. I have to show this. It's important. It's for black history. Russian black card surely passed everything else down, didn't he? Here, look, that's your phone number. That's Valentina's. You know, those two at the bottom.

Look at him. Look at him. Look at him. The first one's the Russian embassy. The second one's son of a bitch. This is an FBI access code. Fuck yeah. All right. The point is, Richard Gere is doing a fucking Irish accent in this film. What is that? That movie is fucking garbage. And Sidney Poitier makes the whole thing work. The man is an icon, sure, for other things, but specifically for sneakers and the jackal. All right. When we come back, we'll end on a hideout. Woo! Woo! Woo!

- Yeah! - And we're back! Because we all need it, here it is, the high note. - Hey John, thank you for having your podcast. I listened to it for my five months while I was in custody. Me and my buddy Ronnie, you're listening guys. And thank you, the age of time go by a lot faster. Take care.

Hey, love it. This is Laura calling from Webster, New York, a suburb of Rochester. My high note this week is that after recently becoming a committee member of the Webster Democrats, I attended my first official committee meeting. I got to ask my congressman, Joe Morelli, about education issues and vote to designate candidates for the Monroe County Democratic ballot.

I'm happy to report that we committee members found ourselves facing the best kind of problem: having to choose between several qualified, passionate, and compelling candidates for a single designation. Webster voter registration has long been pretty evenly split between Democrats, Republicans, and Independents, but it has also long been overrepresented by Republican elected officials.

It's exciting to see that tide begin to shift, and it feels really good to get involved. I encourage everyone to show up to support their local Democratic candidates and to be vocal in supporting the Biden-Harris ticket in 2024. Papa Biden all the way! Anyway, love your show. Thanks for bringing progressive politics and queer issues to light with both humor and gravitas. Come see us in Rochester soon.

Hey, love it. This is Michelle. I'm just calling as I am driving back from Tennessee. Our sister went missing about a week ago and we found her. We got to visit her today and she's coming home tomorrow. So you're keeping me awake while I go home first. Have a good one.

Hi, I love it. I just really want to share my high note. I am a county child support worker and I am getting to go on a plane to Washington, D.C. to do work on what's called our SAVES grant, our Safe Access for Victims Economic Security Grant that a number of states and tribal agencies are involved in and I

I get to do all this great work because my amazing wife who is traveling with me gets to

support me in this. We've had a long battle with cystic fibrosis where my health was quite bad and now I'm doing so well and doing grant work it's just incredible. This is the first job I've ever had where I've gotten to do grant work and it's it brings back my life.

So that was all. Thank you. I love you guys. I love this show. Thanks, everybody. Call us with a message. Call us back again at 323-538-2377. That's our show. Thank you so much to Will Miles, Lacey Mosley, and Dulce Sloan. Thank you, Vandal, and our tour manager who is leaving after doing so much for us for the last couple years. We're so grateful. We love Vandal. We wish we had more time for a thank you, but Adam Sandler needs the stage. There are 28. There are 2,875 days. That can't be right. Yeah.

24 over 24 is here. Do everything. Have a great night. Have a great weekend. And as we're walking off, I am going to say that Eddie Murphy said that Sidney Poitier never had somebody to cut his hair, but he acted so good that you thought his hair was done. Amen.

So sign up today at crooked.com slash friends.

Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer. Brian Semel is our producer. And Malcolm Whitfield is our associate producer. Hallie Keeper is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Kaufman, Peter Miller, Alan Pierre, Will Miles,

and Mohana Dalsheki are our writers. Evan Sutton is our editor. Kyle Seglin and Charlotte Landis provide audio support. On the road, Wendell and Ron Schroeder is our tour manager. Stephen Colon is our audio engineer. And Milo Kim is our videographer. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designers, Jesse McLean and Bernardo Serna for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast. And to our digital producers, Zuri Ervin, David Tolles, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroot for filming and editing video each week so you can.

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