Chapters
Shownotes Transcript
Hey, David, why do you want to learn a new language and where would you use it or how would it come in handy? Well, if I tour the road, I would go to mostly English places, but sometimes I want to go to these other countries and I do feel a little insecure about going without knowing a language.
And it's never too late, but it's also never too early. I mean, I should have done more when I was younger. This is Rosetta Stone we're talking about, and you should try to get in on this quickly because you probably learn quicker when you're younger. Definitely. Right?
You learn about cultural appreciation. You appreciate cultures when you start to learn a language and go to the culture. And also it's good for your brain, David. It does wake up your brain. Like I, I do like to study stuff about comedy and when I'm on the road and trying to memorize stuff, but yeah,
Definitely don't use the brain like that anymore. And I think it wakes it up and it's very good for you. You know, like you travel more. If I even go to Mexico, which is very close, I don't know if you know where it is, Dana. It's straight down from here. Straight down. I thought that was Hungary on our border. You thought it was Canada or Chechnya. Yeah, Canada is up and then Chechnya is down. Anyway, I'll look it up.
Yeah. Listen, this is a trusted expert, Rosetta Stone. 30 years, millions of users, 25 languages off. Let's just say a few. Spanish, French, Italian, German, Korean, Chinese, Japanese, Dutch, Arabic, Polish. I mean, good Lord. It immerses you in the way to think in that language. That's what you need. You get all the hits, how they speak.
You can blend right in. You can do a lifetime membership. It's got all the 25 languages. It's a 50% off right now. It's a steal. Don't put off learning that language. No better time than right now to get started. Fly on the wall listeners can get Rosetta Stone's lifetime membership.
For 50% off, visit rosettastone.com slash fly. That's 50% off, folks. Unlimited access, 25 language courses for the rest of your life. Redeem your 50% off at rosettastone.com slash fly.
Today, as a Ford owner, there are lots of choices of where you get your vehicle serviced. You can choose to go to their place, the local dealership, your place, home, apartment, condo, your workplace, even your happy place, like your cottage on the lake. Go to your Ford dealer and choose Ford pickup and delivery to have your vehicle picked up, serviced, and brought right back.
or choose mobile service where a technician will come to you and do routine maintenance right on the spot. Both are complimentary and depend on your location. That's ownership built around you. Contact your participating dealer or visit FordService.com for important details and limitations. Okay. Yeah, there you go. Okay. Oh, Jesus. Oh, fucking shit.
Let's just show this camera test. Jesus. God damn. Lord have mercy. Someone just threw themselves out the window. Okay, so Dana. First of all, I'm just so glad you got the clothing memo. Oh, did you? You know, this is dark blue. And I have this nice watch. So I thought I had to cut the sleeves off my shirt so you could see it better. Oh, it's dark blue. Okay. Yeah. Oh, you're black. So we don't look alike. I honestly...
I get so much flock on the YouTube, but we look the same that I do not wear a black T-shirt because I know you wore one. So I try to stay away from your turf. I actually was... I have bought... I just bought two white T-shirts at the Gap. And I was thinking I might wear a white T-shirt at some point. Oh, really? I don't wear white ever because it makes me too pale. What...
Well, I know what you mean. It looks really good on me. I don't know why, if I do say so myself. I bought the t-shirts and I was ready to purchase them in about a minute and a half. And then they pitched me signing up.
for the rest of my life. - Oh, wait, you mean in the store? - Yeah, right at the point of purchase. I went to Banana Republic with my, and they said instead of 600, it'll be 300, and it'll only take a couple minutes. - Dude, you know what's worth $300? Not giving your email to someone. - Forever? - Yeah, they go, you know, if we could just grab, sometimes just for free. Do we have your email? I go, fuck, I hope not. And they're like, you just wanna throw your email down here? No, kind of.
And then I go, why? Because I don't have it. I'm like, how about for $5,000? You can have my email to ruin my life and constantly spam. And can we have your cell phone number? Yeah, give me your cell phone. Yeah, I could have your email and cell phone. And they do it real casual, just for records. Can I have your cell phone? So I went to an unnamed store, Ralph Lauren. You know what that is?
I named them my two stores. I love both stores in case anyone's mad. I know you blew it because you already trashed them. Ah, okay. I went to Ralph Lauren over here in BH. Fancy. Yeah, and anyway, I bought... The funnier story is I don't have any turtlenecks and it was so freezing on the road. I go, I'm going to buy a turtleneck. I'm going to roll the dice of like fashion. I don't know where turtlenecks fall in the world. Can guys wear them? I don't know. But I found...
A cool one, then another one, then another one. So I got three. And they were not cheap. The Beatles can't... Well, they wore them in 1965. So we'll just... I'm an audience member now. Will you debut this turtleneck
First of all, explain why it's called "Turtle Neck." And secondly, will you debut it on this podcast, Superfly? Oh, that's a great idea. I will when it's not 106 like it is today, but I bought it-- It's 112. I will say at least a year ago. And I have not bought-- And I have the bag of all three and I haven't even taken them out of the bag 'cause I'm scared. Mostly 'cause I don't wanna mess up my hair, but I will wear them soon and I will debut it here and we'll take an audience poll on YouTube. Can I ask you a question?
Go right ahead. Did you ever own a Dickie? Oh, a Dickie.
I had a madre shirt, a dress shirt. This is fourth grade. -Madres? Go ahead. -And then a dickie. Madres? Whatever. -It's like checkered. -Made in Madrid. You say tomato, I say Madrid. It's kind of faded checkered shirt. Yeah, kind of. It looked like it was dipped in ink and faded. -It's kind of preppy. -Yes. And I had an orange dickie that would just-- For those of you at home that don't know, it's a turtleneck, but it's not a full shirt. It just goes around your neck.
Oh, and then you wear something over like a coat or a sweater. So it looks like you have one under. I mean, I've been tempted by Dickies on Santa Monica behind Okie Dog. But yeah, so I am. Well, I love the way you lean in for every punchline. It's a punchline. And time to laugh. And time to laugh. Every YouTube freeze frame, you're like this. You do end jokes pretty good because it goes like that.
I got everything I got about how to play this game is from you. I just reflect what you do. Well, I've got a better camera look today and I better hear some fucking pause feedback from this. Well, you're also in a kind of a wider shot. Yeah, we're really trying things. Do you see that shirt? I have some, I can't even point. Where is, I can't see. God, I can't do anything. Not on camera. That security shirt.
Mm-hmm. It's from one of your movies. This is interesting. One of my movies? Yep. So it could only be three movies. Security. Oh, Wayne's World. Yep. Yeah, because we had all access pass. Yeah. Why do I have it? This is Garth at 111. That is a trivia. John Farley gave me that.
That was Chris's security shirt in WW2. This is from one of your movies. Where I played a llama? Is that garbage? I thought it was a llama figurine. -Is it a Kleenex? -It almost looks like a little character, doesn't it? "Hey, how are you, David?" It looks more like it when you turn it sideways. Yeah, like that looks like a person. -That was when I played Sparks in What, Heather? -Oh, well.
A video game. That was lost and found where you're in the parking garage. You ran over that. That's when I sneezed at your house and I threw it in your truck. Oh, what was I going to tell you about? Everything. My turtleneck. Oh, so the story about that was, and I will wear one, is that I bought the turtleneck and the guy goes, I said, oh, I don't want to lug it all the way. I parked too far away. He goes, yeah, just call and we'll run it out back.
So I call and the guy's like, Gregory. And I go, hey, were you just the guy that I just saw? Yeah. So I pull out back and he goes, oh, this car is pretty cool. Has it got the old 418? You know, whatever, whatever. So I go, cool, cool. Throw it in. And then I get a text. I thought it was the store phone. So about an hour later, I get a text. He's like, that car is cool, man. I wish I had one in dark gray. I'm like.
-He's calling you at home? -I'm sorry. -This is-- He's texting me. -Texting you. And I'm like, "Yeah." Anyway, I go, "Yeah, cool." Got all the T-necks, all good. Like, it's a wrap on this back and forth. And then a couple-- about a week later, he's like, "I actually might be leaving this place, going to a new store." I'm like, "What the fuck's going on? Are we still talking? When did we turn into pen pals?"
And I'm like, yeah, you know, jobs are tricky. I don't know. You know, I think I answered. I don't know why I kept engaging. It's called block that the collar, isn't it? I, maybe I missed something. No, I probably should have stopped talking. Anyway, let's bring him out. He's my manager. Anyway, he manages me now. No, he doesn't. I do. I'm garbage.
Don't make jokes about that. That's funny. I think he wouldn't understand the complexity of the job. Yeah, people think I'm not managing anymore. That's not a good look at the Beverly Hilton. Hi, I'm David Spade. I hate money. I hate money. That's the name of the book. I don't know. A lot of my clients like to work. They like money. You don't. That's fine. You don't want to go to Anchorage for a one-nighter. I guess you just don't like money.
You don't like to get on a plane and fly to- Would you like to come with me? Anyway, I got to take a call. Yeah, why don't you? Anyway, patch me through. So what I was going to tell you today, oh, the quick story I didn't tell you the other day on Fly on the Wall, our sister podcast. That's amazing. We have two. Can you believe they gave us two? And they're all blowing through the roof, breaking podcast records. I can't. The numbers are crazy. Numbers are still trickling in.
And so I said that Lovitz and I played golf at Terranea this weekend. And there's a guy that takes you in a shuttle. Sometimes when I, as I'm telling the story, I realize it's boring, but I'm just going to plow through. There's a guy that takes you. No, you got me. You got me. I mean, you don't know what's around the corner.
Well, I just know it's Blavatsky and you on a golf course. That could be a movie. It's funny. You just never leave the golf course. Every time he gets a decent hit where it goes past the women's tees, he goes, jealous? I mean, I'm not that jealous. He hit it about 40 yards. His favorite catchphrase. Yeah, his favorite catchphrase. And then he goes, I have some movies I want to pitch. Anyway, so we get in the car. They go, to go to lunch, you have to get in this shuttle.
and you go over there. So we go to the lunch, boring. We eat, he eats a lot, boring. Then we come back, I pay, boring. And then the guy, the show guy's already there. I go, "Oh, we just called you." He goes, "Yeah." So I get in and Lovitz is walking up. That's actually good. - Yeah, doing his waddling walk. - He does like a kind of a jokey walk. - I do it, yeah, oh yeah, definitely. - And then I get in, the guy, as I'm walking up, he goes, "Oh, not this guy." So he knows me with the hat and the glasses. He goes, "Oh, we gotta get a picture."
I don't care if it's unprofessional. Your thoughts exactly. Yeah, I go, I don't care. Let's get a picture. So he goes, let's get in the car. I go, all right. So he's in the front. I'm in the back. I give him the obligatory goofy face. Keep it fun. Keep it light. And then Lovitz gets in in the front seat and the guy starts leaving and he goes, oh, I know this dude too.
And he goes, "Oh." And he goes, "Oh, the wrong Missy." And now he's driving and he's looking back at me and there's a lady with a baby and she's like, "Hey." And he's like, "Oh." And then he almost hits her. Then he keeps driving. 'Cause everyone's walking to the restaurant from the resort. And then these two people are walking up and I go, "Hey." And he goes, "Oh yeah, yeah." He's almost like, "Fuck them. Like, why are they in my way of the driver that's not looking?" So, Lovitz goes, "Look at the road." And he's like, "Oh, this guy." And then he goes, "I can't believe I got David Spade
And this guy in the car. Oh, you're kidding. No, really? And he hated it. -Oh, my God. -And then he goes, "Oh, you mean the guy that was in 'League of Their Own'?" And then the guy that was on 'SNL' and did 'The Liar'? -1986? First one was 1998? - And then the guy that's on-- I said, "He's in a new, uh... Not 'DraftKings,' but a FanDuel commercial." Which is good. He's in a commercial right now. -Oh, okay. -And he goes, "Yeah, don't forget about that. Do you have a TV?"
"Have you seen it?" And so the guy goes, "Oh yeah." And then he dumps us off and he's like, "Oh man, I can't believe I was with Spade and this guy." Then he goes, "Let's get a picture, all of us. Me, you and Spade." - Okay. - So we take a picture. And then when I leave, we all get in our cars. I know Lovitz is fuming. And I go, "Hey Lovitz, did you see that the guy almost hit three people while you were reading your resume to him?"
- Oh, that's poor John. He's a little engine that could man, but the liar was big. And he reminds me of that every time I was number one. - He reminds you. - Oh yeah. - He likes to tell me he turned down "Home Alone." Heather, will you crank that AC? - Have you ever driven through-- - You know movies I turned down? Actually, let's ask him. We told him, I told him that we might do a Christmas episode and he might have to dress as Santa Claus. - Did he like that? - It was your idea. - Yeah.
Oh, come on. I didn't tell him Santa Claus is part of that. Have you ever driven through Encino where John grew up with him? -Just on a Sunday afternoon? -No. He'll just stop the car, look at like some elementary school and go, "Ah, where did the time go?" Those were the days, my friend. Dursary school, my friend. You were four years old. Yeah, he wasn't famous. What does he care? I know. That's the last time I was happy.
Anyway, he's always in a good mood. As long as Jerry's with him. I got another news story before we get to all the headlines. I want another story. They're all stupid. All right. I'm going to tell you something about LinkedIn, Danny, which you probably already know. But, you know, when you're hiring for a small business, you want to find quality professionals or write for the role. That's why you have to check out LinkedIn jobs. Now, when I was getting a job at Bullocks, which is a clothing store in Arizona, they said I had the best experience.
uh, meeting and the worst performance. So they would have weeded me out here at LinkedIn jobs because they have the tools to find the right professionals for your team faster and for free.
That's exactly right. I mean, it is very difficult to know who you're hiring and comprehensively to get them vetted by LinkedIn gives you takes, you know, takes away the hassle of finding new people. I mean, LinkedIn isn't just a job board, David. LinkedIn helps you hire professionals you can't find anywhere else. Even those who aren't actively searching for a new job, but might be open to the perfect role. Do you understand?
Yeah. I mean, listen, I feel like I get it. In a given month, over 70% of LinkedIn users don't visit the other leading job sites. So if you're not looking at LinkedIn, you're probably looking in the wrong place.
Well said. On LinkedIn, 86% of small businesses get a qualified candidate within 24 hours. Hire professionals like a professional on LinkedIn. 86%. That's a good percentage. Who has the time? Dana, you're a small business. You're out there trying to just run a show and you can't just stop everything and try to interview and make calls and bring people. You just call LinkedIn.
It's easy. Bing, bang, boom, beep, bop, boop. Quicker. Post your job for free at linkedin.com slash candidates. That's linkedin.com slash candidates to post your job for free. Terms and conditions, of course, apply.
There's a big Taylor Swift drama. Oh, yeah. We're very dicey about this. Right. We don't want to be misquoted. We don't want to jump the gun. We don't want to take a hard position. We're so edgy, but we don't take any positions about anything. We can't. Because we like Taylor Swift, like Kelsey. There was a big thing about... Heather is so uncomfortable right now. Are you uncomfortable? I'm fine. You're like sleeping with your head on a rock. I'm okay.
- Uncomfortable, what? - She's not, her back hurts. That's all right. She's here and laughing and in a good mood and looks great. That's all that matters. It's better to look good. - Why don't you marry her? - Then they feel good. - I'm doing John Lovitz. - Yeah. Okay. - So Taylor Swift and Kelsey, they had, I think some guy's playing a joke. They put out, they go, "Oh, this is a good trick though."
It was well thought out. They show us this desk at her PR company and they look through it and says, "This is for, you know, Linda." And it's like their fake relationship, how long it has to go, what their contractual obligations are.
And then on the 20th of September, they break up, they make these statements. -You see this, Heather? -Yeah. So dumb. But it seems so fake. So, I think the reason why people are sort of biting on it is 'cause they're looking for trouble. And also, it's one of those things everyone thinks about Hollywood. I'm sure there are those out there. I don't think that's one of them. But I do think there's a lot of matches made for careers. Yes, and I would say...
Like, I don't think that they're doing it for that reason. They seem to really like each other. But they both know inside their brain, looking at each other, you know, we don't really need any more publicity. But this has made us global superstars, I think.
That's the best Taylor Swift I have. I thought that was Kelsey. It's not like they're doing it for that reason, but it hasn't been bad for their brand. It doesn't mean it's a plot. Well, Taylor Swift, who I thought couldn't get any bigger, is a bigger star. And Kelsey is already great looking. His life is all green lights. But this...
Just got greener. And so fine. But also, I saw an NFL promo. Greg, you can almost bring it up. A promo for the first promo of the NFL season of all the teams. Actually, on a side note, too many quick cuts. Maybe I'm getting old. It's too many quick cuts. Everyone cuts it. Yeah, it's like here's... Editors want to cut and they can't stop. I can't even focus on where I'm looking and it's over. No, it's terrible. Here's me looking at it.
Meanwhile, it's on my phone this big. Where am I looking? It's like Aaron Rodgers this. But they said somehow. Okay, let's watch it. And then I'll tell you the trick. Okay, here it is. Puka Nakua.
We've got your Jalen Hurtses. Makeout. Okay. The interesting thing is, aside from you're dizzy right now probably because it's... Well...
Yeah, I get the idea, but they're just a big solid beat too fast. That's all. I get the idea of like that, but they went too fast. Oh, we'll get one. And that's okay. They made a mistake. They're going to listen to this. Next time they do it, they'll slow it down a little bit. They'll slow it down. What's your point of view? Because my point of view is I wish that was played more like the Zapruder tape. I like it nice and slow. I like to go, that's John Kennedy. That's his wife.
Here comes the bullet. I mean, at least I understand what's going on. This is a-- So it's like a Pokeman, but also-- -Good job. -Guess who-- That's hard to land a JFK assassination joke. -And not offend everyone. -It's rarely-- And not offend the world. That was actually okay. I got it. That was-- I said he's going there. This is nice and slow for me, and they also play it in slow motion, so I'm like, "Bullet, car."
The guy in the cowboy hat. So, the big comment about that was Taylor Swift is in it five times in one minute. Oh, really? So, Joe Burrow, zero. Other famous football player, zero. That strikes me as more odd than the fake contract because the NFL is not in business with Taylor Swift, per se. I don't know if it's dudes in a room or with people in a room or AI or whatever, but it is a business.
And someone somewhere figured just doing those five subliminals, because that's a new audience for them, are Swifties, right? I mean, they probably had a certain amount were NFL fans. Swifties together are a larger population than the Philippines. I just saw that. Actually, yeah. If you put Thailand, Indonesia, and the Philippines together, you have one-tenth of the Swifties. I don't even know what that means. But I would just say...
It's a little disrespectful. You think of Joe Burroughs. He played in kindergarten, the best player. He played Pop Warner, the best player. High school, the best player. College, the greatest player. Now NFL, one of the all-time greats. Already $200 million contract. Is he in the montage getting everyone excited about the next NFL season? No. Is a pop star in there? She didn't ask for it. Yes, but once, right? No, twice. Come on, three? No, more four? Five? Four?
Freaking, even Taylor's mad. If we listen real carefully, because they're in LA right now, you could hear them screaming about that. Just listen. She's like, cut away from me. My God, I'm not even. I know. It's not her fault. That's like one of those things where they just put her in. I think she probably goes, I don't need this extra boost. And then I don't want to give anyone a reason to go, come on, roll their eyes. She's doing just fine. I'm sure she'll be the first game of the season. Is she? What do you think, Heather?
Absolutely. It's the first game of the Chiefs. I think it's, I'll be in Minneapolis. God dang, I want to see it. God dang. I met an adult woman, or I know is a very nice person, and her relationship with that couple is,
is profound and how much she follows it and what she gets out of it. Oh, she's into it and she's an adult grown person. And how he is the first man she's ever been with, really knows how to treat her like a man. I want a man. And he can protect her. Well, he's 6'5", 280. Yeah, I guess so, but... Right. Right. All right, y'all.
No. Hey, in our little frames here, we could be whatever size we want to be. See? I can cause trouble. Okay, other than that, let's get to... I'm looking forward to football, though. Let's get to what are goofy things we have. Oh, I wanted to talk about J-Lo. This sounds like I'm drinking Haterade, which I'm not. I'm drinking water. But, you know, J-Lo, you just got... First of all,
On the positive side, JLo's pretty perfect. No one's arguing that. But when you get a divorce, then you go, all right, I have to show my hot face, my hot ass. Immediately, it's like, okay. It's daily. That's my problem. Love her to death. Love her to death. But we can't miss you if you don't go away. You got to give it a week, solid week. But it's like, look what you're missing. It's one of those, look what you're missing, I think.
Oh, this is for Ben. I called it wrong with this couple, so I want to apologize. I thought that it looked so much like they were to get divorced that they couldn't be getting divorced. Because it was so obvious. So obviously, so it couldn't be possible. So I stand corrected. I always wonder how many selfies, was it spontaneous? And then she sent it to her team. Should we use this? I don't know. I mean...
Your bathroom selfies, which you'll just send to friends, are they advisable? I don't know. But if you think you look good. I mean, I do the same thing. I stand so you can see my fucking perfect buttocks. I get my makeup nicely. And then I make sure everyone sees my final net, my VO5 hairspray. The more interesting thing is to see how many hair things she has down there.
She's got Pantene, I see Pert Plus. - Oh, I see, yeah. And that's all intentional. You know, father time wins, it's undefeated. So she still looks incredible. - Yeah, she's winning so far though. - 54. So I guess if you look that good at 54, yeah, get that lens out. - You've sent me a few bathroom selfies that I'd have to say could use a couple of tweaks.
I mean, they're all obviously first takes, but. - I'm in great shape for the shape I'm in. - All right, next one. We basically show stupid stuff and then we just say the show's over. Oh, this is Burning Man that everyone is like, you've gotta go to Burning Man in LA. And it's out in the desert and it's, what is it today? 100, tomorrow it's gonna be 101. And it's 110 out there. And this is, you set up camp and you just do this all day.
These are the current... Well, this is the other day, but still. Everyone wears goggles. So this isn't Iraq, right? This is not Iraq. This is Kandahar. There's some of our old tanks and equipment. Yeah, that's the fun. And there's no bands. It's basically, let's just pack our trousers with dirt.
It gets worse than that. I mean, this, I know people are obsessed with it. I was living up the Bay Area and they'd all take a van up there and they always, you want to go, man? Come on, man. I go, well, what's up there? And they said they saw a thing where it's like six dudes, totally naked, walking in a line and have either yarn or string or rope tied around their ding-a-wing-a-ding-dongs to the next guy, to the next guy, to the next guy. And then they go, you got to go, man. It's hilarious. It's hilarious.
I've already seen puppetry of the penis. I spit up and I vomited in my throat. I don't want to go to Burning Man. You don't want to go to Burning Man? That's a true story, by the way. That's not... Yeah. They put yarn around their balls. I know. It's not... They have big art installations, but some of those are just very cool. They have a big windmill and you go, ah, now I don't need to get sandstormed. I can just watch it through Instagram.
But people really get into it. It's drugs are a must. And it's orgies, and it is a lot of that with the desert sand. It's just like... How you doing? I love burning, man. Me too! Notice I did this act out, but my hair wasn't moving, so it didn't really work. Also, I do hate, it made me remind me, when people film stuff and the wind is in their camera, that's one of my things I cannot stand. The sound? Yeah.
They do have an orgy tent for real. Nothing worse than getting your sandy puss and your balls caked with dirt clots. Oh, get a lot. Yeah, people get lost. This is Heather Spring, this breaking news. People get lost and they can't find their way or they hunker down in the orgy tent because they're the only thing with a generator. Right.
Is there a sign? There's an orgy tent for real. Welcome to the orgy tent. Yeah. What happens? We have to test you to make sure you
- Do have an STD. - 'Cause people want to spread those around, right? - Yeah. - It's Burning Man. It's burning everything else too. - Yeah, it's burning crotch. - That's why it's called Burning Man. All the men by the time they leave are burning downstairs. Go ahead. - Yeah, it doesn't look like that fun. We're old though, we don't like it. - Well, I don't like it. I don't like going to the desert and then turn my ding-a-wing-a-ding-dong to another guy's dingy-do-ding-do.
I'll just stand next to the oven and pour dirt over my head. Yeah, I'll dig a hole in the mud and stick my head in it. That'd be more fun than burning, man. Shave my pubes and stick them with glue on a thing. Cut my pubes, shape them into the shape of a little seahorse and try to sell it. Ha ha.
I was about to say when fucking riffing goes wrong is what I just did. I got stuck and hit a wall. When riffing goes wrong. Here's a clip. All right, so that's that. What's the next one? Burning Man's, Dana's out on Burning Man. Okay, yeah. Oh, here's a list of the least attractive hobbies. Hobbies, okay. For men, according to women, okay. Okay, all right, let's go. What do you think of these?
All right, number one, playing video games. That's what women think is a turnoff to men. Heather, what do you think about that? Is that accurate? Magic tricks. I like that magic tricks made it this high, even into the list. Who's doing magic tricks? What?
Other than hide the weenie, what's going on out there? So the amazing Crest never got laid? I mean, what's this say? David Copperfield is not getting that. There's no green room action? No, but actually, David Blaine does really good ones. He does very well. That guy's amazing. I love David Blaine. Yeah, he freaks people out. Collecting figurines, I can see being number two. Almost could be number one.
I would put that number one. There's a lot of women that are now getting into video games. And by the way, Elon Musk plays video games. He's worth $300 billion. So I'm not so sure anymore that that has much of an onus on it. It's like a three-dimensional movie that you're inside of, apparently. Right. I think two things. One is that I think women are saying when it's 12 hours a day, it's a turnoff when the guy's more interested in the game.
But I also think when there's so many guns out there and there's so many killings, when you're in a video game pretending to gun down everyone and you're getting really good at it because you do it 12 hours a day for years, going out in the real world, it gets a little blurry that you're doing it and you're really good at it. I think no one talks about that, but...
borderline political. But it's just, uh, it's just, it has to be a fact that it's not good for kids to just practice gunning everyone down. I do believe in education. There'll be more of this, this learning, learning by, because there are video games where you try to build a civilization and you procure, uh, you know, food and shelter. There are games like that.
They're not all, you know. But anyway, so online trolling. So that would eliminate you. I troll back. People yell at me and I fight back, which is so dumb. But I can't stand it. Gambling, I do do for NFL season. And it's a good way to lose money. If you're looking for ways to lose money, that's a good way.
- Yeah, I could only gamble when I was highly buzzed. I played blackjack with a few beers in me. - Oh yeah, yeah. - And I would win because it was just play money to me. But the minute you take it seriously, it just like feels terrible. - Well, when you go to do gigs in Vegas or at casinos, we do a lot of casinos, it's very tempting, but I think the house always wins, they always say. Building model trains, is that still a big, it's this big?
that it's made like this? I think it's every young man's or a boy's fantasy, and then some it does go into adulthood, to have a giant basement with a model train in there. I think Neil Young owns Lionel trains or something. When I did Trapped in Paradise with Nicolas Cage, we're all over hotel rooms.
"I can't believe we're in this movie!" Anyway, he has this giant box in his suite. This is the middle of Canada. And I go, "What's in there?" He goes, "You'll find out." So it was a huge model train. His assistant put it together. It was very-- It's just, they're comforting to watch the train go around. I think they're kind of cool. -I mean, yeah. -But if a woman doesn't like it, they maybe feel-- I think all of this is like if you spend too much time.
taxidermy makes who the fuck is doing that i didn't see that that's yeah that's kind of interesting i knew a girl that was really attacked there was actually a girl in the bachelor that was in a taxidermy uh i find it creepy did i don't know if this is this goes way back there was a guy on
television named Roy Rogers and he played a cowboy in the 50s and he had a son no a horse named Trigger and apparently when the horse died he stuffed it taxidermied it and it was like in the foyer of his house little fun fact alright
Say it again. Oh, cat ladies. And then they stuff it. Oh, yeah. I don't mind bird watching. I think that was interesting.
I would do that with a girl. Steve Martin and Owen Wilson did a movie about bird watching. It was pretty cool. I like bird watching. I follow a bird on my Instagram, a bird watching thing. They asked women to fill out a form of what they found attractive in a man, and most of them just drew a giant dollar sign. Rude. I thought they drew a picture of me.
Oh, there you go. He saved it. That's my land at a laugh joke. All right. Next one. Next one. I like my lighting today. I'm really fucking. You look good. Smooth. Yeah. Let's see if it looks good on the clips on Instagram. That's really where it comes together. And now a word from our sponsors at Betterment. Do you want your money to be motivated? Do you want your money to rise and grind?
Do you think your money should get up and work? Don't worry, Betterment is here to help. Betterment is the automated investing and savings app that makes your money hustle. Their automated technology is built to help maximize returns, meaning when you invest with Betterment, your money can auto-adjust as you get closer to your goal. Re-investing is a great way to get your money out of your pocket.
Rebalance if your portfolio gets too far out of line and your dividends are automatically reinvested. That can increase the potential for compound returns. In other words, your money is working like a dog. Well, you could be sleeping like one and snoring like one too. You'll never picture your money the same way again.
Betterment, the automated investing and savings app that makes your money hustle. Visit Betterment.com to get started. Investing involves risk. Performance is not guaranteed. Well, the holiday season is almost here. Are you ready to celebrate? There's still time to create space for overnight guests with all the comforts of home, even the surprise ones.
That's right. Check out Sleep Products to make the guest room the best room and Dining Solutions to help set a table that has the space for family, friends, and unexpected side dishes. Shop now by visiting in-store or online at ikea-usa.com for special offers and new items. Okay, what's this? Coupling Philadelphia.
Oh, I just thought this was an interesting story. Accidentally roll into a river while they're having car sex. So here's the reporter telling him.
the police a vehicle was parked along the kelly drive in a parking lot this guy keeps jumping in right here the grandstand curve what we're looking at right there are the headlights and brake lights of that they're safe fully submerged underwater so this is this was at 4 45 this morning so police say a man and a woman were
Well, they were parked. They said they were parked in the parking lot. Like we used to say, they were parking. When I was growing up, if you were making out in a car, we were parking. Keeping it real. Well, the police said that their car was parked. He keeps going back to the police. Well, they were parked. And the car went...
into the water. So what you're telling me is that these two people were in the back seat of this vehicle. I didn't say that. I don't have the location of where they were actually sitting in that vehicle. Well, I do. I do. They could have been in the front. I mean, they're messing with the gear in the front. I heard the police... I heard. They were in the back seat of the car where the woman accidentally...
I don't know what appendage engaged the gear. It must have been a stick. Well, and the car pulled into the water. They both got out and were able to swim back to the shore. Police did say it was either a Range Rover or a Land Rover. He's trying to get away from this. It's the slowest news day in history. Yeah, according to the BMW.
I like how the guy name drops his Range Rover too. He's like, "I mean, I had a Range Rover once. Shut the fuck up." But how, I mean, were they dyslexic or should they go to... And they're parked and they were in a car. What was it again? I mean, that was like stretch, stretch. Oh, they were like, "Phil, time." He's like, "You know, I learned to drive on a stick shift." Everyone's like...
Fucking go to traffic. Apparently, they were in the back seat. Did they ever say having sex? Or they just said making out? It said S.
It said X asterisk X. Oh, I see. But that wasn't them. That was the person on the Instagram. But they, I love that the one guy was trying to keep it just vague. And he's like, so was it a hand job? And they're like, no, we are just saying. And some appendage hit the gear shift. Would that be his wiener? And he's in the back seat hitting the gear shift knob in the front seat? Yeah.
A female anchor is like not the most comfortable. I've done that a million times. That's because you got to grab the headrest. It works. Range Rover. Yes.
All right, we'll keep going. We really milked it out of that one. I'll keep my thoughts to myself. Oh, wait, this is an old school one, Dana. That was good. I know, it was pretty good. This is an oldie, but this is something that's... And I hate it because the noises are so gross. This is a newscaster. This is one of the first things I saw online. That she's doing a goofy bit. We're grape stomping up in Napa now. How do you do it? And you just get in here and you squish it.
And it goes sideways. All right, let's see. Volume. Filled with grapes. What kind of grapes? These are filled with Chamberson grapes. And the winner this Saturday, he's done music, eating international foods, having wine tours and tastings, vineyard tours, seminars, arts and crafts. It's a lot of fun. A whole day. Stop.
I can't breathe. Stop.
What? Oh, dear. No, I think she is. She took a hard fall off. That's Phil Hartman in New Orleans. They're doing our job for us. We're going to make sure she is. We'll try to check on her and get back to you as soon as we can. We'll be back right after this. First of all, you think it's a dog. Then you realize it's her. And then you're like, either she's incredibly babyish when it comes to pain or she's truly hurt.
I think she was hurt. I mean... What was she falling on? Cement or mud or... By the way, it was not set up well. I mean, just to be up there, rickety buckets, goofy bits. Oh, no, it was going to happen.
It's going to happen. And she's like jogging in it. And the lady's like, I wouldn't. She's like, oh. Oh, the first AD is like, watch this, man. Watch this. Yeah, keep going. Keep going. Yeah, he's like, three, two, one. I swear, it felt like she broke her leg in eight places. She's like, ugh. It's like she swallowed glass. Fuck, I'm going back down. Anyway. Yeah, she landed and swallowed glass. Oh. Oh, my God.
I'm sure she's fine. I think it was just she was shocked. She's fine. Who hasn't fallen out of a bucket full of grapes onto the ground? Thank you. Thank you. All right, what's next? Mic drop. What time is it? Oh, we got time for one or two more. Okay, and I want to do my, the bedding thing because maybe at the end. This is, oh yeah, we didn't talk about that yet. Okay, well this is,
It's a teaser for anyone who's still with us. Hyundai reveals an electric car, concept car. That looks cool. That's an electric car. It looks like an old Seville or something. I like it. I like it a lot. You know what? Yeah, it's... I would say...
Vintage stuff, young people like a lot of it because vintage cars were not made for aerodynamics. They were just sort of made to look cool. -So, the fact that this is electric-- -Look at that. -Oh, yeah. -Yeah. -That's pretty hip. -Crushed velvet? Oh, my God, I love it. Yeah, it looks like a classic, like, Ford LTD or something. Biden said the other day that all cars will be driven by your feet like the Flintstones in 2045.
- Oh, the whole begin was a hole in the wall. I had a Volkswagen bug once and eventually I had to get rid of it 'cause there was, you could see it wore through on the bottom of the Volkswagen bug. - Oh really, 'cause your stick shift and shit? - Whatever reason, I could have been Fred Flintstone, remember that? - Yeah. - That's how they, yeah. - It's from too much parking, Heather says. Did you do a lot of parking, Dana?
With a Volkswagen Bug? Mm-hmm. You mean to get in the back seat? Are we going back to that clip again? Yeah, we are. Well, what I would do is get at the top of a very steep hill, undo the parking brake, and as we go back down, she would fly into the back seat and, you know, get frisky. That's a way to do it. That's not bad. And get friskiness ensues. Okay, one more. Wait, what was the one I sent? Okay. Oh, wait.
Oh, I'll watch this one. Then we'll go to yours, Dana. We'll save the other. Well, it's just a topic. Yeah. Okay. Let's do this. This is just- I find interesting. A bad luck situation. Okay.
FedEx guy. It's him. Wow. Don't, don't. She's being a little rough on him.
Yeah, I need some information. Yeah. In my car? Yeah. And while she went back to the house to write down all of his information, he forgot to put the truck in park again. And it rolled away, hitting the neighbor's car. Oh my God. That's too funny. That's four, dude. The realization. Three, two, one. Oh my God. What is going on?
What a day. What a... Okay, now I'm a little suspicious about the clip. Oh, you think it's a fake-o? Well, interesting.
What are the odds he's terrified of it just happening? I'm sure it's a big, giant break. I don't know. I'm on the fence on that one. Okay, wow. Don't hate me. I'm not cynical. No, I like that you're really analyzing it. I just have questions sometimes. I have questions. You know, sometimes I got questions. I got questions. You take everything in life at face value. Yeah. Like if you see something, you just believe it. Yes. And I'm like, it could be.
Optimist. - You're allowed to ask so many questions. - Yeah. - So here's my question for you. - Yeah. - Oh, you're not gonna. - I like to get you to do it. - Oh, you got questions. He undid the parking brake two times. I'm gonna have to tell the doctor. - Do you think it's fake? Oh, I have to ask the doctor. - I have to tell the doctor.
Okay, go ahead. What is it? We were talking about gambling earlier. Oh, my question was, if you're trying to predict who's going to be the next president of the United States, there's the polling people, and then there's gambling and Vegas odds and big gambling houses. And apparently a lot of people think the gambling is more accurate because the stakes are higher than the polling. So it's very interesting. Well, I will say that Vegas takes it very seriously. When they...
put a line on a football game and it's like three and a half points and you can't believe it's that close. And it always comes down to so close to that. It's shocking. They do so much research. So I see what you're saying, like polling. We talked a while ago where I've never been polled. You've never been polled. And I've never met anyone who's been polled. Where is the polling? I know they're legit, but okay. What are you saying, Heather? What do you want me to look at? Oh, I thought you were writing something down.
I think that Vegas, the Vegas odds, I don't know what they are right now, but you're talking about the presidential race, right? Yes. I mean, it's, the cliche, I don't know if it's true, but they say that Trump always outperforms his polling.
Okay. Because my thing is like people get, you get cold called and go, are you going to vote for Trump? And people just sort of hang up or go, I'm really not at liberty to say. So I don't know. I would go by the Vegas odds because to your point, they do the research because the stakes are millions of dollars and you can bet almost anything on Vegas. Yeah.
I put $1,000 on a 300 to 1 that Trump, during the debate, will call Kamala his new nickname. And it's, you're a Kami-kei-kukula. I'll tell you that. Kami-kei-kukula. Kami-kei-kukula. You're a Kami-kei-kukula. She goes, really? What's that? It's your new nickname. But I bet that. You bet those odds. I bet that she would say unburdened.
Even I don't even know what it means. I bet it's going to pop up. Well, one thing she does, and I know it's hard to do a woman and her thing, but she does say okay a lot is kind of a catchphrase. Like, I close the border, first of all. Okay. I also would close the border better than anyone else. Okay. So, okay is her new catchphrase if Maya's listening. What about her last speech when she's like, and these unions. Okay.
That was funny. And that's been like, that's been going on for a long time. I mean, John Kerry was this button down Ivy league guy. I'm John Kerry. Right. And he's falling behind George W. Bush at 2004 presidential. So they put him in,
uh you know like uh military garb and he gave him a rifle and he literally said remember he's a total boston intellectual he goes i'm gonna go beg me a critter you know just to get the rural vote to relate elizabeth warren they said she's too elite she's massachusetts boston whatever and so she did a video
And she says, I'm gonna drink me a beer in a minute. I'm gonna drink, and she kept mentioning it. Now I'm gonna go get me a beer. So Kamala was with an audience that made her change her accent. Elizabeth Warren sang wet ass pussy one time at a debate. All the words, just, and then all the kids are like this.
Maybe there's something there. Yes, George W. Bush said once in one of his trying to reach out to African-American audiences, I like big butts and I cannot lie. And everyone went, vote. However you vote. But Kamaké Kukula, if I get that, I'm going to make $100,000. We'll split it.
Robert Half Research indicates 9 out of 10 hiring managers are having difficulty hiring. If you have open roles, chances are you're feeling this too. That's why you need Robert Half. Our specialized recruiting professionals engage their skills with our award-winning AI to connect businesses of all sizes with highly skilled talent in finance and accounting, technology, marketing and creative, legal and administrative, and customer support.
At Robert Half, we know talent. Visit roberthalf.com today. Toyota's legacy has been standing tall for generations from pioneering hybrid technology to redefining the standards of safety and efficiency.
With each innovation, a renewed commitment to progress. And with Toyota's legendary lineup of trucks in stock at your local Toyota dealer, you can experience the legacy for yourself. So check out the ultra-rugged new Tacoma, built for off-road adventure or everyday practicality.
Or test drive a heavy-duty half-ton Tundra decked out with modern tech and comfort with a haul-anything attitude. And both Tacoma and Tundra are available with the i-Force Max Hybrid powertrain, giving your truck more power than ever before. Quality, reliability, efficiency. That's the legacy of Toyota. Visit BuyAToyota.com, the official website for deals, to find out more. Toyota, let's go places.
All right, well, we'll wrap up and I'll tell my tour dates, which are... Let's do it. Don't be shy. You're one of our great stand-ups. Well, Minneapolis is tonight. Minneapolis, yeah. And Indiana. Oh, I see. Yeah, you get it. I got you. Minneapolis. Boise, Seattle. Great audiences in Minneapolis, I have to say. Hartford, Connecticut. Providence. West Palm. A lot of Floridas.
- DavidSpade.com, check it out. - Now you got me curious. How are you transporting yourself between these bits? - Some in Florida, like our cars, we drive because I don't rent a car, I'm too scared, but we'll buzz around. And then some, I think Providence, I have a corporate in Boston, then I go up to Providence and whatever, and Connecticut. What's that one in Hartford? So those are always far. I realized, I didn't know this year,
80% of the country lives to the east of Texas, if you go straight up the middle of the country. 80%. So that's crazy. So that's why all the gigs are back there. Really? Is that true? That sounds like a lie? Yeah, it sounds like a lie. 80%. California's pretty populous, but the rest are fucked. And they said if you take out California and I think Seattle, then it's only...
10% left in the whole country of population. This is all lies, but I mean, I think this is true. It sounds like it. I would just say that, especially in the Northeast, the East and Seaboard, things are kind of squished together. It's kind of like states, you're just talking for a bit and whoops, you are now in Connecticut. So I think that's- They're very close together. You can run around and do them. Like here, you got to go all the way to Arizona.
-Go all the way to Utah. -Yeah, you're in Austin, and then the next night, Seattle. It's a two-hour flight. -You know, so... -Well... -I like your tour dates. -I go Denver. I got two in Denver. I'm gonna tape that one. And then I'm going to my last one, I think is... Oh, Kansas City, Chiefs. So I will be there. Taylor, probably come. -They'll all probably come. -Kent... Oh, and... Oh, they can't go out on... I was gonna hit up some of the players. Some have come to the shows when I'm on the road in their cities, and...
But during the season, Saturday is a tough night for them to go. If it's Friday, maybe. So you must be crushing it. I mean, you've done so many dates in the last year. Are you just the... Are you at your... Like, athletically... I'm better now. You're probably in the pocket because of so many dates. I'm better now taping it in Denver, and then I'll take time off, and then I'll come back, you know, first or second quarter. Well, you...
That's cool. You know that I had a bit of a problem with the name of your last special. I felt it was too nondescript and easy to go out of your brain. And it is called... The last one? Yeah, the last one. Oh, Nothing Personal, is it? Nothing Personal. Is that it? Escape My Brain. Yeah. Was it Nothing Personal? Or Not My Problems? Oh, My Fake Problems is one.
But what was the last one on Netflix? I think that was Nothing Personal. Nothing Personal. Okay. So we can have the fans write in if you don't have a name. Oh, yeah, that's right. But we want to name David's next special. I have something in mind. Oh, you do? Well, I had I Know Dana Carvey, but that's self-serving. That's not bad. As a title of your special. That's not good. But...
I'm sure you have... We'll put it in the YouTube comments, yeah, because I don't have one yet. Well, let me ask you a question before we jump off here. What is, off the top of your head, the best name of a special in the last 10 years? You know? I did like... Sandler's last one is great. The new one is great. The title of his last one was pretty cool, Certified Fresh, because I had...
Critics Choice was the name of one of my specials. And for years, people thought I was. Oh, because Adam was getting so many Rotten Tomatoes, he always gets something dragged through the mud. Yeah, certified fresh. Which means you get lots of good reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, yeah. And now his latest special has 90% positive on Rotten Tomatoes. Oh, I'm sure. So you may have to go change the name. Yeah, that's a great one. Yeah.
That's out now. Check that one out. It's called I Love You. Check it out. Called I Love You. It's very cool and very different and hilarious. He's always got good people involved doing those things. Yeah. Okay. Thanks, Dana. It was nice to meet you. And enjoy the show tonight. Remember, just try to make the people happy. I'm running right there from here. Goodbye. Okay. See you. Bye. Bye.
This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.
