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It goes the other way around. Like, I wouldn't want like my mom showing me a picture of the guy she's dating in underwear. Oh, here's the dude. Trevor, what do you think? Yeah, I'm willing to listen to whatever you want to share with me. And I have always been that. But are you willing to listen to somebody not being willing to listen to that? Yeah, maybe. But, you know, here's the thing.
When my grandmother was alive, my granddad died and she got remarried to somebody that was questionable at best. And the whole family, being respectful, didn't want to say anything. Like she was in her 70s and this is her decision and just happy she found love. She's happy with the best. And I'm the only one in the family that's just like, no, no, grandma, who is this nigga? Yeah.
Like, what's going on? And the family loved it. Because I'm saying the thing that you're not supposed to say. I like that. No, I hear what you're saying. They love when I do it for them. I'm doing it for me now. You're listening to What Now? The podcast where I chat to interesting people about the conversations taking over our world.
This week, we're talking to my longtime friend and fellow stand-up comedian, Gerard Carmichael. In 2022, Gerard shocked the world with the revelation that his name was in fact, Rathaneel. He also came out as gay on the same stage on that same night. That performance won him an Emmy. And now he's back.
Gerard just released a series called The Gerard Carmichael Reality Show. It's exactly what it sounds like. Cameras follow Gerard around through some of the most intimate moments of his life. He starts off confessing feelings of attraction to his good friend, who you may know, Tyler the Creator. He tries to confront his dad about the lasting effects of a long-time affair and a secret family, and he pushes his religious mother on her inability to accept his sexuality.
Gerard invites his audience into all of it, and I mean all of it. It's a conversation about how shame can overtake us, whether being public about something is the same as being honest about it, and how to fight for the love we think we deserve. It's a really special one, and I hope you'll enjoy. All right, all right, I'm recording on this side. You ready? I'm gonna hit record and then we'll roll. This is What Now? with Trevor Noah.
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Gerard Carmichael. Hi Trevor. Welcome to the podcast. Thank you for having me. This is wild and sudden. It is wild and sudden, which I actually like sometimes. There's an element of you still being curious about what you're having the conversation about. Yeah, no, I wanted to talk to you because you're smart and I trust you and I can speak freely. Oh, thank you. I value these types of conversations more and more every day. Okay, so let's start speaking about that.
I remember coming to LA, driving down Sunset and then seeing a massive billboard of you in your underwear, tighty-whities. Yeah.
And it's weird when it's, I mean, tighty-whities on their own with like a person on a billboard. It's double weird when someone you know. Yeah. Because I'm like, what is happening? Why is that Gerard? They were extra tight because I was putting on a suit for the Emmys. So it was like the extra, it's like not even the everyday underwear. It's like the extra underneath tuxedo pants. The tuck-in ones. Yeah, yeah. Seamless tuck-in. Seamless tuck-in tighty-whities. Yeah. Those were, were those the Emmys that you won? Yeah. Yeah.
Congratulations again. Thank you very much. You left so I couldn't say congrats to you at the Emmys. You won the Emmy and you ran away. Yeah, I left immediately. Why? Well, nothing to do with the rest of it. I won. It was a high. It was great. Nothing to do. I'm never around. Do you go to the party when you host the Grammys? Do you go to the parties and you're at the event and stuff? I try, but I miss them every year. Oh, okay. Because I'll do the Grammys.
And then afterwards I'll go and thank everybody, we'll debrief, change. And then by the time I get to the after parties, they're all done. Oh, yeah. You know, the reason I ask you about like...
the award shows and what you do and everything. There's few people I know of who are lovers of art and entertainment as much as you are. - Yeah. - Like you're like a film buff, you're a music buff, you are a TV buff. You have like a broad palette. So I wanted to know why you wanted to make a reality show. 'Cause I'll be honest, when I saw that, I was like, that doesn't seem like Gerard. - Yeah. - You seem like the antitheses of a reality show. Why make? - Well, first,
I've been doing all these, like my standup became really personal. My standup started being me solving personal problems on stage. I would go out on stage with a problem, usually sparked from like a conversation or a text or a conversation I needed to have or was afraid to have. And I would talk about it with the audience. And all after my last special, after Rothanniel,
Where I came out through stand-up. I started doing that with other problems in my life. And I was trying to figure out a show, like, all right, well, what would a show be that's true to me? Something that could keep my attention. Something that I thought was funny and interesting. Yeah.
And I started realizing all the things that I was paying attention to, like on social media, even like on television, were all things that had like a lot of humanity and a core personal problem. And I was like, oh, I think I know what it is. It's a reality show. Like I need an excuse to solve these problems in my life. And every episode will be a new challenge, something that I need to face, something I need to solve, something I need to confront.
And we'll just play it out. I didn't even know what the things were when we got into it. I just knew that's what I wanted to do. I like that you say you didn't know what the things were. Yeah. You know, you write the show and the comedian usually writes the sitcom. Yeah. Based on his life. Yeah. Based off their life. I...
I'd done that before. And even that was like, episodically was like, you know, I got a lot of controversial political views out of doing an episode about Cosby. I did an episode about mass shooting. I did just things that caught my attention. And so it was the same philosophy just applied to me, just applied to my actual life. Because life starts kind of playing out episodically. Even the aesthetic, like the aesthetic of my life, I do wardrobe changes at home alone.
I'm changing like somebody's watching me all the time. I'm constantly obsessed with my own aesthetic anyway. So I'm kind of living in
- Okay, but were you prepared for how much messiness would come? 'Cause like, it felt like to me, you see, this is what I mean, but I know you as Gerard, right? - Yeah. - I've known you for many years. We've met on the comedy scene, we've done shows together and we'd bump into each other in New York. You know what I mean? - Yeah, yeah. A lot of the same shows. - Yeah, but I always knew you to be somebody who was like fairly private and,
I mean, I definitely wouldn't have considered you messy. And then the reality show starts. Yeah. And then all of a sudden it's like, Gerard's in the news, like Dave Chappelle, Gerard Carmichael, beef. And I was like, wait, what is, what is going on? Yeah. You actually have a friend who pops into the show. Pretty sure, certain I know who it is because of his cadence and vibes, but I won't out him in that way. Anonymous remains anonymous. Anonymous remains anonymous. Anonymous comes on the show. He's wearing a,
we call it a balaclava, you call it a ski mask? Balaclava, yeah. Oh, balaclava ski mask. And he basically confronts you in the first episode of the show and he says, why are you doing this? This is intrusive. This is masturbatory. This is not the way for you to solve these issues, you know, like in the public eye. And then towards the end of the season, we see him come back and he comes back and he says, I still don't understand why you would want to put this in front of people who have no interest in engaging in it honestly. And Anonymous is great because he's,
the Greek chorus stating the danger and the risks of the whole idea. And for me, okay, going back to what you said about me being a private person, I was, and I am, a lot of that's rooted in trauma. A lot of that's rooted in fear of being seen. So the show was a chaotic idea. Okay, what if I put everything I'm afraid of, everything I'm ashamed of just out there? What if it's all out there?
Then what? There is some freedom in that. Like, the way to eradicate shame is by speaking it. Yeah, you bring it to the light. Yeah, so the show was a chaotic experiment in eradicating shame. Because I am private, but not really. Like, I'm kind of living in a post-privacy world right now. Man, the layers. I sometimes feel like you are...
You know when people go to university sometimes and they'll try and do a course that's four years in one year. Yeah, yeah. I sometimes feel like you're doing that with life right now. Yeah. I'm just, because I'm just going to ask you all these questions like on a personal level. Please. The first thing I need to understand is this.
Is it actually a reality show or is it a show that's done in the style of a reality show and it's like scripted out? And I ask this because I haven't seen a reality show shot like this. I haven't seen a reality show done like this. Like some people have seen the clips online of Tyler, for instance, right? And there's a moment where you're saying to Tyler, the creator, you're going, hey, I had feelings for you and I told you and you called me a messy bitch and he's being very funny with it and there's the cameras. But the way it's done,
leaves many people wondering whether or not they're witnessing something that was captured by a reality show or they're witnessing a show made in the style of a reality show, which you could be capable of both. That's the thing. Yeah, no, it's funny. I think people think that it's like some type of Andy Kaufman, Joaquin Phoenix prank that I'm playing. No, everything I'm doing is very real. I'm working with
a very talented team. We had goals for episodes, but the goals were personal goals. Talk to your mom, have the conversation with Tyler. But how it played out was how it played out. We weren't sure. The cameras were just catching up to me, catching up to what was happening in the moment. Yeah, you're working with really talented people because there are moments in the show that are almost cinematic. If we talk about that scene with Tyler, for instance, the shot that's on Tyler,
is partially blocked off on the left side of the frame. So it looks like the camera's hiding behind a door, seeing Tyler. And then on the camera that we're seeing you with is like the angle is weird. And so there's a light next to you and there's a light between you and the two of you are eating and it's messy. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. If you told me that was a scripted show, I'd go like, oh yeah, I could see. In that conversation in particular, there were like duck blinds. We wanted to...
hide the camp like tyler knew there were cameras but we hid them from view so that it could have this level of intimacy so it could be natural so we really to eliminate performance there's still some i guess performance as it would be in that type of conversation but um it's just again a really thoughtful crew that has a good eye got familiar with me my movements
again, a lot of my life is naturally kind of stage directed. There's like a moment where hookups coming over and you see me like, I was talking like vacuum before companies coming over and I'm like spraying lavender and I'm moving things around that I would do that without the camera. That's just how I am. So the camera kind of captured a lot of my natural aesthetic. Let's, so let's talk through it episodically. Uh,
Because I think, you know, in a strange way, this show is laid out perfectly for the conversation. And I mean, kudos to you and your team because it introduces us to your world in a way that would make people ask questions in like the most linear fashion. So, you know, like the first few episodes and the first one in particular is really
almost us jumping in headfirst into this world where Gerard Carmichael is coming to grips with and exploring the fact that he's now openly gay. Episode one, I'm anxious. Episode one is so much anxiety. I was a ball of anxiety. My life was odd. It was the, I was at this professional high and a personal low. And it was this odd combination of the two. I'm like, God,
Going to the Emmys, but like so scared and anxious about who I'm going to bring and who I'm going to be seen with. And what is that a statement? Yeah, that's what I was about to say. Are you scared because you are trying to figure out how to be outwardly gay? Yeah. At that moment in time? Well, trying to make sense of who I am. Like I thought I was...
one thing like i pretended to be or not even pretended i tried really hard to live up to this idea that i had in my head that my parents gifted me with that my big brother gave me and the hood that i'm from gave me of what a man was how a man operated yeah and i saw myself
as I wanted the world to see me. And that changed. I said something about myself that had the potential of changing how the world saw me. And so looking in the mirror was, it's like, wait, who are you again? What does this mean? Like, I was trying to find footing. And so was it easier for you to find that footing with the cameras there? Because that's what blew my mind. I was going, what you're going through is so difficult. I can't imagine what that must be like.
To now navigate that with cameras, to me, as Trevor, seems harder because...
I was surprised at how comfortable your hookups were. People talk about like, "Oh, he's sucking toes." And I'm like, "Yeah, a lot of people suck toes." I just don't know if people are comfortable enough to suck toes in person. Do you know what I mean? They weren't surprised when they walked in, I'm assuming, right? No, no. I told them. It was part of the Grindr conversation. Just like, "Hey, you want to come?" It was like a regular conversation. You're like, "I'm on a reality show." And I'm filming a reality show. You want to be in it? And people were like, "Tell me more."
And I'm like, yeah, I mean, come over. But like in L.A., I'm sure like a percentage of them, like –
Some of them had OnlyFans. Some of them were like, you probably want to be in the industry in some way. And some were just curious. Just, what do you mean you're filming a reality show? But things played out pretty normally. That's kind of what was great about it. I think people were as comfortable as I was. And so because I was like, yeah, the cameras are here. And then that's how they treated it. Like, all right, well.
Go on. And people would ask, like, are we going to have sex on camera? And I'm like, well, I first I respond. Would you? But then I was like, I don't know. People were so prudishly shocked by the toes. I don't know if they would have handled like full on brown bunny blowjob. Yeah.
When you are exploring the anxiety of coming out as gay and coming out as gay when you were already well-known and coming out as gay when you're already well-known and you come from a family that is very religious and black and from the South, layer upon layer upon layer upon layer, you have a lot going through your mind. You have a lot that we're feeling through the camera when we're watching the show. And it feels like, I don't know if it's, I know it's self-doubt, right?
But there's a constant theme of self-loathing. Have you worked through that? Do you still have it? Is there a part of you that still judges Gerard for being the thing that he's not supposed to be?
I'm working, I'm doing a lot of therapy. I do psychoanalysis. I do four sessions a week. I do two double sessions. Wow. I am always, especially in sex therapy, just looking in corners, like trying to get rid of shame. Just things that sometimes not even realizing how much my actions were motivated by shame. Like you, until you dig, just explore your own life. And
The show is inviting people into the process. I saw that in response like, oh, yeah, some self-hate and, you know, like, yeah. Yeah, of course. No shit. Like, it's a lot. Like, and I'm trying to get rid of it. You know, I've been saying I think everybody's in the closet about something. Yeah.
There's something, there's a part of you that you don't want to reveal to the world. And I'm revealing a lot, not just being gay, but a lot of things. Like shame about my interpersonal relationships, my relationship, my family dynamic. Like I have a lot of shame around that.
a few different things so i'm exploring all of that in the show yeah because in the show you jump into a lot of sex and i mean a lot of sex it's like it's it's like a montage sex scene like well we're not we're not seeing the sex but it's just like hook up hook up hook up hook up door opening door closing door opening door closing yeah seeing all these people um did you always have that sexual appetite because that's one thing i couldn't pick up from the show was like
as Gerard, have you always been insatiable or was this a new thing because now you're exploring this sexuality that you've been suppressing for so long or...
I think that I have had a high libido. Like my boyfriend and I talked about the fact that I like I used to sleep with a lot of women and I'm not bi, but that's just funny. I'm like, man, that was just the libido playing out, I guess. Like, how did I do that for like years? And then there was a long period of time when I first moved to L.A. that I just suppressed all of it. Like I wasn't I was able to focus on work. I was in a new city.
trying to understand my craft and doing mics and shows and writing and just all this work for a few years where it was just completely off the table. Then I was having sex to be seen, hooking up with, like, girls,
but then also exploring like what I really wanted, like through grinder, like under the, under the radar. Right. Yeah. But then dealing with shame, like being really ashamed of the sex that I was having to be really ashamed to talk about sex there. You know, I,
I was using sex as a means to escape, as a way to feel validated. I still can slip into that. Yeah. So this is what I do like about the show. It took me a moment to realize that the show is really leaping through time. Yeah. You know, so unlike most reality shows where it's almost a moment in time,
This almost seems like an anthology in a way. It's really us following you on a journey through seasons and through different years. It's over a year and a half. Exactly, exactly. I get into a relationship. So my relationship began, the Emmys were in September. Michael and I started seeing each other around Christmas of that year.
Then the show got picked up and we started filming more episodes. The crew started being around in January right when we started our relationship. So I always joke, I was like, hey, you fell in love with a reality star. There's nothing you can do about that. Was he ready for that though? No. And he's someone who, my boyfriend doesn't even engage in small talk. Like my boyfriend does not perform. That's what I love about him. He does not perform. He makes me
ground it in a way like even like our sex is different because i don't even like you know like sometimes you have sex and you like it's a pornographic rhythm i'm like i'll give like oh fuck and all shit and like i'll say some things just like for the performance of the thing and
None of that would play with my boyfriend. None of that. Like, you better be fucking real with me. You would never see this character in a reality show. You would never see someone like him. No, it's true. They'd say he's boring if he was in a reality show. Yeah, because he's not seeking drama. Yeah, he wouldn't be cast in a reality show. Yeah, yeah. But then it feels like you bring the drama into his life. Yeah, and he grounds me. Yeah, but I'm watching the show, and then it's like you fall in love. You're on this journey. By your accounts, this is the first time you are in love
Like you are outwardly gay and here you are in love with someone. You even talk about it on the show. You say, I've never had sex with somebody that I'm in love with. And you say it's all encompassing. It's consuming. Yes. And then all of a sudden you cheat on him.
Yeah. Yeah. Multiple times, Gerard. Yeah. I'm watching the show. You know how weird it is to watch a show where you know the person, but now you're judging them as if they're just a character in a show. It's like you're Eddie McBeal or something. And I'm like, what are you doing? I have a friend who's a director, Malcolm Washington. And he said for the first three episodes, he was actively rooting against me. Yeah. He's one of my closest friends. He was like, I was screaming, like, why are you fucking this up? It's hard to watch. Me and Michael watched
That together and it was hard to relive that because I have a lot of shame around that not being able to control myself Like oh, I lack self-control I I need sex that much that I'm willing to risk the most important relationship in my life like I'm risking this I'm hurting someone like by by lying. I think that could I be honest? I think that's I think that's a more universal theme
than people would like to speak about. It's not just the lie. It becomes the questions about the lie. Wait, so when we were having dinner that day, this had happened? So you were lying to me then and you were lying to me at breakfast and you were lying to me at lunch and you were lying to me, wait, when we were in bed, you were lying, it,
The time between the lie and the truth is devastating. That's the most devastating thing to me. I've lived in that question. I don't want to do that to anyone because I know how that feels. Like with my father, just like, oh, wait, okay. So Christmas of 98, wait, you said you had to work.
What does that mean? Like, I'm just, I have to, I replay moments in my life all the time and that doesn't feel good. How much of you, I use the word blame, but I, you know, cause I can't think of another one right now. How much of you blames your father for you cheating on your boyfriend? Is there a part of you that almost says, I saw my father cheat. My father had a second family. He had a whole different world.
And because of that, I've learned that this is the way to be. You know, I'm torn because I don't blame him because I am a man and I know it was wrong and I have to be responsible for my own actions. But at the same time, a thing that I learned from my father that he wasn't necessarily trying to teach was that you are as good as what you can get away with. And I...
Always felt like oh if the sign says no turn on red if I turn on red and I don't get stopped by the police It was okay, you know if I if you know, that's the thing He didn't maintain multiple families for a lot of years. He did maintain the secret for a lot of years He got away with it
I now know the stress of that and the devastating toll that that takes on your emotional health. But you kind of learn that you're like, oh, like, you know, if you're AJ Soprano and you see your dad getting away with this, you know, like, oh, maybe. OK, maybe I'm supposed to. We'll be right back after the short break. Here's what I like about it is it is a it is a show that is graphic based.
but yet intimate. And the story that it tells, I think, can tie to so many people's lives. So the first one, I'm sure there are many people, as you say, who are hiding a part of themselves that is holding them from becoming their fullest selves. And then we look at how many people find somebody who starts to love them for the first time, who starts to love them for who they are,
But then there's like this self-destructive cycle that people get in where it's all working out and now you're becoming the force that is holding you back from experiencing everything. Yes. But talk to me a little bit about yourself and Michael getting into the open relationship. He seemed level-headed, really peaceful and loving in how he was able to navigate the two of you broaching an open relationship. Yes.
And he asked you a question and it was so eloquently phrased. I don't want to mess it up. He said, should we broach the conversation? Should we open the relationship or do you need the transgression? I know. The...
The perils of a smart boyfriend. Oh my God, just sending me into a spiral for a month. What was the answer, by the way? I mean, a lot of therapy to figure out, was I getting off on the transgression? It is part of the thrill, the secrecy. And the open relationship was something that we talked about before. We talked about like, all right, we both
are honest about having sexual desires outside of each other. Yeah. Right? Which is, I think, common in every relationship. The difficult thing is stating desire. Like, saying that. Like, and... That was... Asking for it was really, really hard for me. That is where the respect comes. I'll tell you... I trust you enough to tell you my desires. I trust you enough to tell you my plans. It's too easy to...
lie and manipulate the truth if you're withholding from the beginning. So that's the hard thing. The open part of the open relationship isn't just the extra sex. It's actually being open about your desires and your needs and what you want. And that's hard. But here's the thing that I think a lot of people take for granted. And I'd love to know if you bumped up against this.
A lot of people think that opening a relationship insulates them from hurt and pain and shame, et cetera. Right? But what a lot of people don't realize is every relationship has some sort of rule. So even in your contract, there's rules like no exes. There was like no sleepover, no cuddling or something to that effect. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No sleepovers, no drinks. Right. Doesn't that just shift the Overton window and the rules, but still put you in a place where transgression exists? Because what...
What if you do hook up with an ex? Now it's a different type of cheating and it's worse. I've heard people say, and I think I agree, being cheated on when you're in an open relationship is worse than being cheated on when you're not. I gave you the keys. That means you're still fine. And I'm guilty of it. Because it was new, I've been clumsy with it.
found new ways to lie out of shame. Like I'm ashamed of like, it's, it's a, it's a lot of shame. And, and my boyfriend and I go both go through this. It's shame of enjoying it. Right. So it was just like, Oh, I hooked up with somebody and it was nice. Yeah. Oh my God. Like that's so painful, but it's also, you know, now we're kind of at this place where it's
With practice, it becomes easier. It's just like, okay, it becomes less of a reason to lie. Like we can just express desire, express, like we can have a recap. This is an excuse to be honest with each other consistently. It's hard. Relationships are hard. They're hard enough without sex outside of the relationship. But there are upside. The upside is the honesty. The upside is the opportunity to be honest. Here's something I...
One of my favorite lines ever, I think it was Esther Perel who said, she said, people don't want to be in an open relationship. They want to be in an honest relationship. And oftentimes they confuse the two. Yes. And I think what people take for granted is that in open relationships, they find a certain measure of
and shame that is taken off of them because they're open, but they don't realize it's not about the openness because it's still closed. You've just moved where the closed is. It's more that you are now honest about the fact that you even have these feelings. And I think a lot of people exist in relationships where the very idea that
that you may be attracted to another human being is enough to create fissures in your relationship. - Oh yeah, my straight friends all just lie to each other. - Exactly. "Oh, look." - "I don't see other people." - "Oh, he's not hot, she's not pretty." "Oh, I only have eyes for you, okay." That's how the cliche of like, man on his 50th birthday running off with the secretary happens. It takes mature people that can handle it and it takes understanding. You just both have to agree. - While you're dealing with Michael, while you're dealing with love, while you're dealing with a relationship,
You're also trying to stitch together the very real tears that came between you and your family. And you talk about how your mom is very religious. Yes. And just essentially stops speaking to you and, you know, says to you like, in a very nice way, by the way, which is the thing I love about your mom is in a very nice way, she essentially tells you that, you know, you're probably going to burn in hell. Yeah. With a sweet smile. Sweet smile. She says, you know, like, I pray for your soul.
But you're essentially ostracized. We see this journey in the show and it kicks off really with your dad. And it's an interesting journey. You go on a road trip with your dad. And I would love to know, like, why are you so insistent on like putting it in their face? So for anyone who watches the show, they'll know what I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah. You've come out as gay. Yeah. All right, now you're trying to patch the relationship. You're in the car with your dad-
And in the middle of him driving you in this little Winnebago type thing. Yeah.
You just go off on like all the different types. You like start explaining bears and otters and dolphins and twinks. You're talking about gay sex. Man, and you see your dad is like a composed black man who can feel that there's cameras, by the way. Yes, yes. And I'm like, Gerard, why are you doing this to him? You go straight into like, yo, gay, gay, gay. Let me tell you about my boyfriend, twinks, dolphins, gay, gay, twinks, dolphins. Are you doing that on purpose and why? I'm doing that
because it's the thing I really, I'm not supposed to do. All right, I'm gay. We can get my family's head around that, all right, even if they don't want me to be, fine. The unspoken rule, just don't rub it in our face. Don't bring it up as much as you can. When I first came out to my parents, the first thing my dad said was like, you wouldn't do anything crazy like try and bring a guy home to your mom, right? Yeah.
What does that mean? Like, am I supposed to just like talk around it? Am I not supposed to use boyfriend? Am I supposed to use my mom's term? Oh, that's your friend. You know, like it like it like all those things that are just around it. Or can we just dive straight in? The cameras were a good excuse to just dive in. And don't get me wrong. I'm antagonistic with my parents.
I mean, you were in Tech Nistic with everyone. Yeah. So it wasn't for the show as much as it, that is something that I would love to do to my dad at any moment in life. And like, we're on this road trip, so why not now? Like, it kind of just came up. I'm like, I wanted to show him my boyfriend and I showed him a picture. Yeah, and you showed him a picture of him naked in the bathroom.
I was like, come on, Gerard. Because he was hot there. And I was like, hey, look. No, he's hot. I was like, I wouldn't even show my parents a picture of my girlfriend in a bikini as the first picture. Come on, Gerard. And this is a black person to a black parent. I was like, come on, Gerard. I was like, you haven't been beaten in a long time. You've forgotten everything. What Victoria era...
chamber game of politics are we playing here? What do you mean? Where I'm supposed to like... No, okay, I hear you. This is a man I think is hot that I like having sex with. Yes, yes. And I like having sex and this is who I am. And I want to be able to say anything to anybody. But here's what I feel sometimes, right? And again, I am not trying to calibrate you. This is what I felt as a person.
There's a part of me that's going, "Gerard, is this you having an inability to calibrate how much of you you want to be out because you've had so much of your life being in?" Yeah, maybe. But you know, here's the thing. So, like, I'm saying the thing that needs to be said. Like, we need to hear it because it's true. Like, that's my point of view. Like, if it's true, it needs to be said. Okay, so when it comes to you and your sexuality,
I would always defer to you because I don't know what that's like, you know? But then there's a moment where it's you and your dad and, you know, you've gone back to his hometown. You've taken this drive. You've hung out with like his friends from way back and you've had these comments. It's beautiful, man. It's a beautiful, beautiful moment to watch. And then the two of you are sitting, you know, by the fire, you know, toasting marshmallows. And then you go in on your dad and...
You go in on him for things that you rightfully feel hurt about. You know, the fact that he had a secret family, the fact that he left you feeling like you don't know where you belong or how you should belong. He left you feeling shame. Yes. But you go in on him. And I mean, you go in and you go in and you go in and you go in. And it's like a really painful moment where he says, he goes, I knew it. He says, I knew this would happen. I knew this was coming when you said we're going on the trip. And then he says...
why are you making this public? Like, why are you dragging this out like that? And then you say, no, you made it public when you did it and everyone in our neighborhood knew. And essentially he's like, yeah, but you made it public-er, you know? So first of all, do you understand where he's coming from? And even understanding that you still hold that position where you go, no, you know, Gerard's feelings and emotions come first in this equation. So all this is rooted in shame, right? When you think about it, okay. Yeah.
He knew. He knew before the cameras were up. He knew before he came to New York. There's a phone call that could be made. Hey,
What do you want to talk about? Do you want to talk about this? Oh, that's interesting. Do you want to get this out? But he couldn't do that because of shame. And I couldn't do that because of shame. That's interesting. That's why the cameras, I get it. It's unorthodox. It's strange. But it was necessary for me. We needed an excuse to say the things that we couldn't say to each other in private. These are questions I really want to know the answer to. There's a need to know the answer to that I can't ask without...
a trellis. I need the support. The reason I like making it public-er is to try and eradicate the shame. I'm trying to free my father. The shame is weighing on him. It's ruining his life. My father, he has anxiety. He's afraid of run-ins with his other family. He doesn't want to go to his grandkids' birthday parties because somebody might take a picture and put it on Facebook and then the other family will get upset because when you didn't come to mind.
He's very, very afraid. He's living in fear. It's crippled by fear. I'm trying to set that man free and I'm trying to be as public as we've been private.
We've been living in shame and fear for so long. And HBO is just the place to like if you're I was afraid of heights so I wouldn't skydive it. You think HBO is a better place than like therapy, for instance? I would like therapy, too. You can't force someone into therapy. I offer it all the time. Like so this is just another form of therapy for me. Like it's a it's definitely, you know, baptism by fire. But it's therapy because it's out there.
There are billboards directing people to watch it being put out there. We'll be right back after this short break. Your mom is maybe the most interesting character in this show for me. Yeah. Because she presents the most complicated dynamic in this conversation. Yeah. You talk about how you and your mom were super tight. And...
We see you reunite with your mom in the show and it's beautiful. And she, you know, she says, I dreamed of this day and it's, we see you and your nieces and everyone's happy. And, and then all of a sudden, you know, almost classic Gerard style in the show, you know,
you're talking to her about being gay and she goes, "I accept you and I love you with all my heart. If you choose to be gay, then you choose to be gay and I accept you for that." And your face switches in that moment and you go, "Well, I don't choose to be gay." And she's like, "Yeah, well, the same way, you know, I would, like a mother would learn to love a murderer, would learn to love..." And you're just like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa." You're saying it's like being a murderer? - Yeah. - And one of the most beautiful moments turns into a tense moment. - Yeah.
where you have this fundamental fight where she's like, you're choosing this. Everything is a choice. And this tension with your mom takes place over several episodes. She's very religious. And now you've come along and you've said, hey, you have to choose between me and God. There's a line that sort of perfectly sums up what we experienced in the show and what I guess you experienced in your life between you and your mom. And it's when you're on stage and you say, you say you have such a complicated relationship with your mom.
Because on the one hand, all you want to do is protect her and love her. And on the other hand, you just want to destroy her. Talk me through that emotion. First of all, where do you stand today? And how do you deal with that? Because it's a real paradox of feeling. The parts I want to destroy are the parts that create the...
separation between us. The fact that she's watching God and not seeing me. I love my mother. I feel like I understood her. I feel like I have been the manifestation of a lot of the blessings she prays for. She read every day a Bible verse that says,
Ask me and I will tell you things that you don't know and can't find out. I'm the reason my father revealed his infidelity. She talks about blessings coming from God and him protecting you from harm and protecting you from having nothing. In some way, I'm a little jealous of God. I'm like, man, you believe in God. I'm doing all this work. I'm doing all this work. And I just won't.
I don't feel respected when her love comes with a caveat. When it's like, I respect you, but I also don't really believe you. I think you're
you know, 37 year old going through a phase. Yeah. Your soul's going to hell, but I love you. Like it just doesn't feel good. I have to come to terms. She's not leaving God. And I know God's been really important to her and I don't want her to, I just want her to understand me and look with time and conversations, like conversations, like what we had on the show.
I think voicing that hurt allows us to not do it again or to at least have empathy for how the other person feels. And I'm not saying that she's done everything wrong. I've retreated. We both go to our corner because we're hurt. And some of my aggressive behavior has helped. Like, just like, hey...
going home, like, this is my boyfriend. Like, this is reality. This is real. Yeah, when you see that in the show, it's intense. Like, sit down, and this is a human being who deserves your respect. I deserve your respect. If I don't put it in my parents' face, they'll never look at it. That's an interesting point. Because I did think about that, and I was like, I won't lie, the first thought I had was, come on, Gerard. Surely there's a more diplomatic way to handle this.
But then the other thought I had was, come on, Trevor. I think Gerard knows his parents more than you do. I just know that they won't move. I grew up with them. I'm raised by them. And so I know the only way to bring about change is through...
And so I take action. - But it felt like to me, and this is where like, I really relate to you. My mom's super religious. - Yes. - But the thing I learned to do, you know, and I think time has helped me is I've also learned to communicate the way she does. I've also learned to understand the things that she's saying because we're not using the same language. - Yes. - Especially because she's very religious. - Yes. - You know what I mean?
while you are pushing to be understood, have you made an effort to try and understand her more, to try and live in her world, to speak to her through her world? 'Cause you say some crazy shit to her as well. - Yeah, yeah. - Which is very funny. - Yeah. - It's very funny. One of the craziest lines I've ever heard is you turn to your mom, you go bowling together. Man, I don't think I'll ever forget this moment. You turn to your mom and you say to her, you say, "You know, mom, I've been reading that some people believe that boys aren't actually born gay."
They become gay and you see her face light up like, "Oh yeah, you're coming around." And you go like, "Yeah, and actually they become gay because they love their moms so much that they just want to be them and they want to be with them." And you're like, "So maybe I'm gay because I love you so much. I love you so much, mom." And she's like, "Oh, thank you, baby." And then you say, "I love you so much, mom, I would suck a dick."
You're like, I suck a dick, mom. That's how much I suck dicks for you. And all of her happiness, all of her everything goes away. And she turns to you and she goes, why would you say that? Yes.
You could see in that same episode, I asked her what would she have me do. If you believe that I wasn't born gay and that there's a way to change that, how would I? And she said, you have to talk to Jesus. I said, what do I say? And she says,
You asking me? I was like, yeah, pray, pray for me right now. And she has a moment and she prays and she tries to pray the gay away. I kind of immediately regretted it because it was like...
Oh, wow. Now she thinks it's on a time release. It really was funny. I'm not going to lie. It was very funny. But I'm trying to listen. I'm trying to hear. I would like for her... Because I'm presenting as many possible solutions as I know for my world. Therapy, talking about things head on, the cameras, all of these are just my attempts to bring about some solution. Right.
She wants me to pray. I grew up in the church. If I could have prayed it away, it would be gone. I tried. I was praying. I used to pray it away. I used to think, I mean, this is like a wild thing. When I was a kid, just getting home from school before my parents got off of work and I would jerk off.
I thought God was watching. So I would like jerk off to gay porn on the internet and then immediately jerk off to straight porn as if to cleanse myself. Like, see God, I love pussy too because God loves pussy. And I'm like, I'm like, I did it. I did it. I've been trying my whole life
One thing I hope people know about this show, if you watch the clip online of you and Tyler, the creator, it seems like the show is all an awkward fest. It's just, it's all about awkwardness and it's, it's, it's horrible. And it's, you know, but when you watch the show, it is funny, it's light, but the big thing for me, and I mean, obviously I'm, I'm biased. I'm a comedian. It's so funny, but like, it's heartfelt, funny. And when we, when we see the relationship with your mom, there's one joke that she throws in that makes your face turn like hers, by the way.
You bring your boyfriend over, not welcome. And at the end of this very awkward time you've spent together, your mom's just been sitting there. She's not happy. You say that you're going to head out now because you're hungry. And your mom says, well, there's always McDonald's.
And your face in that moment, you were as hurt and as shocked as she was when you made the jokes. But in that moment, I was like, oh shit, this is where Gerard gets it from. Yeah, she knows how to attack. For sure. Yeah. For sure. And in the show, I don't think anyone's...
Like, no one's innocent. No one's guilty. We're all just human. I'm just trying to show the full range of my humanity. Yeah, in the beginning of the show, I was hoping a truck would run you over. I know you, by the way. But in the beginning of the show, I'm like, Gerard. I was like, nope, nope. All right, take this man off the earth. And I don't say this to you because you're here. By the end of the show, I go, man.
what a human being and not like what a good human being, what a bad, just what a human being, what a look into everything that people are dealing with that we don't speak about publicly. Just all of it. And I'd love to know, because this has taken place over such a long period of time, like where are you now? Where is your family now? And if you were talking to somebody else who was in a similar position,
What would you how would you advise them or what would you say were some of the biggest learnings on how to get here? What would you have done differently and what would you have sped up if you if you could like what would you have? What would you have doubled down on to get to this place? So I'll answer where we are now. I'm thankful anytime I Talk to my parents and they ask about Mike that makes me very happy. How is he? How's he doing?
And my advice to anyone experiencing a rift with their family or anyone in their life is fight. Just fight. Use all of the tools that you have to fight. And that's what I did. I used the tools I have as a man, the career that I've chosen for the fight.
I'm fighting to keep my family together. I'm fighting for respect. I'm fighting for love. And so fight really, really hard. It's worth it. And go a step beyond. I see a lot of people using words like cringe or embarrassing or these things that are easily reasons not to have a conversation or reasons not to talk to someone because it will be too embarrassing or too cringe, if you will.
go beyond it like beyond cringe is freedom you know go a step beyond that i feel like i i've been crucified by cringe and a rose on sunday your mom's not gonna like yeah i know i know just one more jesus reference just for the rose
What Now with Trevor Noah is produced by Spotify Studios in partnership with Day Zero Productions and Fullwell 73. The show is executive produced by Trevor Noah, Ben Winston, Sanaz Yamin, and Jody Avigan. Our senior producer is Jess Hackle. Marina Henke is our producer. Music, mixing, and mastering by Hannes Braun. Thank you so much for listening. Join me next Thursday for another episode of What Now? What Now?
