30: Tough Love or Bad Parenting? 01:06:04

Do you live with a rare form of generalized myasthenia gravis like seronegative MG? Learn more about the ADAPT Serin Clinical Trial at adaptseron.com.

Like this show and want to make your own? Let me tell you about Anchor. It's the site that I use for my podcast, and best part, it's free. There's creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or computer. And Anchor will even distribute the podcast for you, so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and many more. It's everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started.

Here we go. Are you ready? Yes, I'm ready. So today I'm joined by a very special guest, my sister-in-law, Amy. Amy is a PA here in Minnesota and mostly Wisconsin, but I'm coming at her with stories related to parenting, postpartum depression, and just, is it tough love or parenting? Okay. You know what? A lot of times I have no idea. I've

Are all parents winging it? Yes, 100%. I was at swim lessons the other day and my daughter wouldn't get in the pool. And I literally turned to the parent next to me and I was like, I don't know what to do. Do I make her? Do I just sit here? Do I be like, okay, today's not a great day. Let's go. Nobody knows. I don't know. And she turned to me and she's like, I don't know. I

Everyone's just winging it. Everyone's just winging it. Well, we'll see what your takes are on these parents and if they're winging it or absolutely fucking it up. Oh, okay. Okay, let's dive in. Let's do it. So up first, this post kind of blew up on Reddit. The number of awards it has is absolutely baffling. So...

Am I the asshole for saying things my wife gives our infant in front of our child's doctor? This is right up your alley. Yeah, it is. Okay. My wife and I have a two-month-old daughter. For the past month, she's been feeding our baby mashed potatoes, applesauce, sweet pea, assorted fruit juices. Wait, how old? Two months old.

And other things. The last time we went to the doctor, our pediatrician told us not to give her anything but formula until she was between four to six months old. Yeah. My wife does not care and says she knows best for our child and our doctor isn't the parent. Our daughter is always constipated and screams for hours at night that my wife says is colic?

I've asked her numerous times to stop feeding our infant table food and go back to giving her formula. She is only feeding her one or two bottles of formula while I'm at work. The other morning, she was cooking scrambled eggs and oatmeal, and I was off work. So I started to make our daughter a bottle and feed her, and she stopped me and told me not to fill her up with that, and she wanted her to eat her oatmeal first. I fed her the bottle anyways after a huge argument.

Well, baby had a doctor's appointment and my wife was talking about the colic and screaming fits. And when the doctor asked what she was feeding her, she said, only formula, nothing else. I was angry because she lied and told her, the pediatrician, every single thing that she has been giving her. And the doctor strongly recommended her to stop and that she was causing stomach upset and more than likely the reason for all her stomach issues.

Instead of being apologetic for this, my wife is mad at me and told me I ratted her out to the doctor and that she doesn't have to listen to her and that it's only a recommendation and that I made her look like a bad parent. I tell her what a selfish little twat she was being and now she wants me to go stay with my parents until she forgives me and asks me to come home. Am I the asshole here? Maybe I shouldn't have flew mad at her and said some of the things I did. Maybe I should apologize to my wife.

Oh my gosh, this is really hard, but my gut instinct here is like, no.

don't do it, don't give the baby all these foods. Food before one is mostly for fun. Yeah, mostly for fun. Well, and that's the infant-led weenie. That was like their main quote when I learned about that. It's like you start introducing foods at like what, like four to six months? So I really push for the six-month mark. I think formula or breast milk exclusively, personally, until six months. There are parents that choose –

to start around the four-month mark. And I also have heard different cultures, different people, you know, a lot of times our parents or people just do what their parents did. And if their parents started solids earlier, then that's kind of what they lean to. But

The science has changed through the years. And so as the science has changed and we learn more, our recommendations change. So I can't fault her 100% because maybe this is what her grandma did and her mom did. And, you know, we all are like looking to our parents for advice because, I mean, nobody knows, right, what's going on.

But I also wouldn't say that he was the asshole. I say 100% actually, nope, not the asshole. Not the asshole. I agree. He is also this child's parent. And if he clearly has concerns, then that really should be brought up. And he should voice his concerns to say, okay, what is the current recommendations? What should we be doing? And yeah, I just don't think he's there.

Couldn't this cause potentially some long-term stomach issues for this kiddo too? Mixing all this early? Because I know with breast milk, there's a lot of gut microbes that they get. Well, the concern that I would have is that if you're filling your child up with so much other stuff,

you can really easily get focused on one food group or one food or just a few different foods and they're not getting the complete nutrition that they need. Formula, breast milk, they are designed to fulfill kids' needs. And so if you're

filling them up with other things, then they're not going to get like all the vitamins, the minerals that they truly need and cause some stomach upset for this poor little kid. I mean, this poor little kid is having issues. I know. So if you're having issues, then, um, you know, you might want to do something different, but here's, here's one thing. My heart does go out a little bit to the mom. Um,

because she doesn't really feel safe in that relationship that she has with her provider. So she doesn't feel like she can do it.

Be honest and get the best recommendations because any good medical provider, we know that we are here to provide you with the current recommendations, the current knowledge, the current guidelines. And we know ultimately it is up to you to make your decisions for your health. But we can't do that if we don't know the true information. So like, I just, you know, I encourage everybody, just be honest with your provider. That's the best advice, honestly. Also like,

Dealing with a colicky baby, I was so colicky, like so colicky in the horror stories my mom tells me. Why would you want to give yourself and your child more issues? Don't you want an easy...

and your baby sleeping through the night? Well, ultimately, I have to believe that, you know, parents in general, they are truly trying to do the best for their kiddos. So I believe that that's what this mom really truly thinks that she's doing the best for her kiddos. Just, yeah, not the best info or the best judgment. Right, she just needs a little bit.

education. And so I, you know, I actually applaud that dad if he's like, dude, something's not right here. Like what can we do different to really bring that up? I wouldn't like, and I get, you know, it's her decision and everything, but I wouldn't trust leaving the baby completely with her for like, if you were to get kicked out, like she wants and like go stay at his parents. Like this little one might not get enough to eat. She might, I'm just like,

You don't want to imply that the mom is going to do something terrible, but it's also like she's not making the best decisions right now for her little one. Yes and no. Again, I truly think that she probably has the best of intentions, and really it is maybe more of a knowledge gap. But, I mean, she's not going to...

get that opportunity to learn what actually, like why, what's the why behind, okay, maybe, maybe your grandma did it this way, but here's why we don't really do it this way anymore. This is why, you know, formula breast milk is recommended exclusively until, you know, four to six months of age. And then once they are four to six months of age, I mean, you

Listeners probably aren't even curious about this, but you should start with formula and then follow with the food so that they are getting the balanced nutrition that they need. Yeah. So I applaud the dad. I mean, that has to be hard when you are in a partnership. Crossing your wife. Ratting her out. You know, it's worth it. That kid would be...

thankful, I'm sure. Like if that soothed their stomach then and they got right on track with everything and avoided constipation. Hopefully she listens. It doesn't sound like she's going to. I know. But so some of the top comments on this one, not the asshole. What your wife is doing to your daughter can cause long-term damage to her digestive system. Not giving her formula can also contribute to her losing weight and not growing.

I would suggest you talk to your pediatrician away from your wife for her to get a full picture. It's abuse.

And then, like, edit, because this is the top comment. OP, which means, like, original poster. Okay. I've been wondering that. Yeah. So it's the person that posted the thread. I urge you to supervise every feeding. Your daughter can choke to death having food. She's not ready for anything but milk. This is extremely serious. And at that age? Two months, yeah. Definitely could. A little nugget. Even rice cereal. Yep. That can do that. The multi-meal. Don't do that either. No. So...

Reddit pops off on this woman. Okay. And although OP was 100% correct to do what he did for his daughter's sake, now he has to worry what his wife will do when he's not aware slash looking. This is bad news because wife has decided to double down on her poor judgment by being angry with OP. That's super difficult. Yeah. And that is true. Like,

I get like being set in your ways and as a parent, you want to make decisions like even me in my own life. I want autonomy. I want to be able to make my own decisions. So I imagine as a parent, like, yeah, you're going to take people's advice, but at the end of the day, you're going to do what you want to do. Right. But to have a professional then kind of like criticize you and say, no, what you're doing is wrong. There's your opportunity to be like, okay, I guess, you know, my parents or whatever I got this from weren't right. Right.

I should do formula or breast milk or whatever the decision is. And that's why I would hope that that medical provider would then not criticize, not jump on the like, oh, no, that's terrible. Oh, that's the worst thing you could do to your kid. No, no. You're like, okay.

I hear that, you know, that really could be contributing. Here's the current evidence. You know, I really strongly suggest this. Let's really have close follow-up so we can follow together and make sure that we're giving this kiddo the very best nutrition. Yeah. Another...

Another commenter goes, this is a dangerous psychological m'lady called Munchausen by proxy, where mothers cause medical problems for their children. They often kill the children and definitely torture them. Oh, geez. And so a lot of like Reddit, like if you don't read a lot, like Reddit is like very quick to be like,

Okay, A, B, C, D, D. Like E, F, G. People jump to conclusions. We do. We give our takes. That's the whole podcast. And here I like to believe the best in people. And so certainly, I mean, I guess it could be a possibility, but I feel like she would be more sneaky about hiding it. True. If that was the case. Yeah. That's why I don't think that's really going on. I just don't even know with her. I just can't imagine continuously to do something after you're told. Yeah.

It's probably causing your baby's colic. But someone replies to that and goes, this is what I was thinking about too. His wife is knowingly feeding their baby things that will be causing her illness and upset. And then she is lying to the doctor about it and playing dumb. What if OP said nothing and baby was prescribed medication they didn't actually require? What next? Just read his comments. I hope she gets help she needs right now. Things aren't sounding good at all.

So now I'm curious about OP's comments. Yes. What happened? We're going to do a little digging. Okay. Just going to get this out there. There's no update for this post. So we don't know what officially happened. No. I need to know the baby's okay. Yeah. And it was posted about four months ago. So... Okay. Just going to read...

Hey there, it's Ryan Seacrest for Safeway. Take care of yourself this summer and save on all your personal care favorites. Now through August 27th, save up to $3 or more when you purchase participating personal care items like Pampers Wipes.

New comments, like the most recent.

So someone comments and they go,

And OP goes, no, she seems very off. I've asked her several times if she's okay and she says she is fine. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and she's wide awake, sitting up in the bed, staring at the wall. Then when I ask if she's okay, she just says yes and lays back down. I get up with our daughter as well, but my wife is always awake. I assume she sleeps during the day while I'm at work.

Definitely could be some postpartum going on. Yeah, absolutely. And a lot of times when women are currently like in the thick of it, they don't actually recognize that they're experiencing some postpartum depression. And it's really a spectrum. You know, it could be mild, it could be moderate, it could be severe, it could be psychosis. Yeah. So...

That's scary. It is. I really feel for that mom then. Like as far as all the hormone changes that go on in the body, if that's really what's going on, I'd really hope that she would get the help that she needs. But as a father, like you absolutely 100% then have to make sure that you're

Making sure your kid is safe. Yeah, and then so someone replies, OP replies,

new development with her I found her sitting in the bathroom floor and I told her I'm planning on packing to go to my mom's told her I was taking the baby with me and she freaked out and said I was going to cause her to die because she needs the baby to be with her I asked her if she would go see a doctor in the next few days while the baby and I are visiting my parents I told her I wouldn't tell them that we had a fight and that after she talks to someone and realizes what she is doing then we will come home

She started saying crazy things that my parents will try and take custody of the baby, or if she tells the doctor her thoughts, they will take the baby, and that she can't be honest. She loves the baby so much and is afraid they will take her away. What do I do aside from taking my daughter to my mother's? See, that is, yeah, she 100% has postpartum depression, you know, yeah, very severely. Yeah. Because...

Yeah. She truly does have that fear and that love for that child, but at the same time, she doesn't know how to help herself. So I would say he needs to, yep, deliver that baby to his parents where that baby is safe, and he needs to be with his wife and support his wife 100% and bring her physically to the doctor. And if not to the doctor, then to the ER. Yeah, you can do a psych hold from the ER. Yeah. Which, like...

It's very, as like a medical scribe, I used to be in the room when the psych holds were brought in and we took down all their history and everything. And for some, it's very traumatic. But then for some, it's very like... You don't have that responsibility anymore. The weight is taken off. Well, and here's part of the thing. After you have the baby...

Everybody is all about the baby, which is wonderful. You love your baby. Grandma loves the baby. The husband loves it. Everybody loves the baby. But then you forget that this mom has kind of been through this traumatic event. Yeah. Hormones are all over the place. And especially, I think, in first, I don't know if they mentioned that this is their first child, but it sounds like it probably is. It sounds like it is.

First baby, she's lost her sense of freedom, her sense of identity. She's gone from this single female who has all this freedom to, okay, now I'm a mother and I have to be here 100% of the time. Or maybe she tried. We don't know if she tried breastfeeding, if that was part of the plan or not. And if she's now formula feeding now, does she feel some feelings about that? That's a good point because if she tried breastfeeding and didn't,

couldn't produce milk or it just didn't work with her and the baby latching, she could be having a lot of guilt about that and that's why she's trying to push the food. I mean, it's so complex. So complex. Such a complex situation. There's so many factors that...

could be causing this for her. Yeah. So I feel for both of them. I think it's tough. So tough. Yeah. We never like really heard her why of why she's pushing the food. No. And I guess we should fill everyone in. You have two kiddos. I do. Yes. So Amy is like, she's been through this. She's got like experienced parenting. Good to fill everyone in. Yeah. I have a two year old and a four year old and

Gosh, parenting is a wild ride. Yeah, it is definitely a wild ride. Do you want to share any of your postpartum experience? Don't feel like you need to. You're welcome to. If not, we'll move along. So, I mean, there are so many avenues that we could take to talk about it. I know. It's very complex. I like to be open because I think that it's not really talked about enough on an open, shame-free, guilt-free platform. Mm-hmm.

kind of what I was talking about with OP, that was a little bit my experience of, okay, first baby comes along. Well, first, while you're pregnant, I don't know about anybody else, but I didn't love being pregnant, but I've always had like body issues. Like so many women have growing up in, you know, this Western culture. Yeah. Always. I feel that. I feel that. But when you're pregnant...

Everybody's like, oh my God, you're glowing. You're beautiful. Can I feel your belly? It's so beautiful. You look so great. Oh my God. And I'm like...

Heck yes. Absolutely. I do look fantastic. I love this belly. You know, I do look wonderful in these maternity clothes. Hey, it's a great reason to wear a tight, you know, maxi dress and not have to suck in. Absolutely. Like, hey, the first time my extra weight was cool. Yeah. You know, so.

So then you deliver the baby, the baby comes home with you, and your body is 100% completely different. So you still look pregnant after you deliver the baby. And you go then from having the freedom to go wherever you want to, okay, this is what we need to do now. And at the same breath, and so for me, it was really important to,

for me that I really wanted to breastfeed my mother, breastfed all of her kids, my sister did. I know the wonderful benefits of breastfeeding and so I really, really wanted to provide that for my kids and it did not come easy. Latch was difficult. Milk production was difficult. Baby was losing weight.

We'd go in for like weekly weight checks with the lactation consultant. It's a lot of stress on a new mom. So much stress. I would pump and I would feed and then I would bottle feed. And it was like this continuous thing all while your nipples are cracking, bleeding, like it hurts. You're swollen. Your body is like basically screaming like, oh my God, what did we get ourselves into? What is this? Yeah. Yeah.

And it's hard. It's really hard. And I put a lot of pressure on myself because it was really important to me. And I really wanted to have the good part of breastfeeding, which the beautiful part of the bonding, right?

And just feeling like I was doing the best I could for my baby. We also supplemented with formula. Formula is 100% A-OK in my book. It's a wonderful option for those who choose it. And so there was a lot of stress with that. But then also I watched my husband, who is wonderful.

Your brother. Yeah. He still had his freedom, especially while I was breastfeeding. Like even if I left, well. Your boobs were tied to the baby. They were tied to the baby. Or at least pumping. Yes. We still had to go ahead and do that. And so while he could go and do whatever he pleased and wanted and come and go and still have his, some of his like evenings out for a couple hours with his friends, I couldn't do that anymore. Those damn men. And I was just like, I know, they have it so easy. Yeah.

They do. Most days. I'm not passionate about this topic at all, am I? So anyway, yeah. So I, at the time, didn't realize that I was experiencing, I think, looking back, some mild to moderate postpartum depression. Because it was just all about, okay, what is the next task? What do I have to accomplish? Here we go. What does the baby need? And

And especially in the beginning, I had, I started having some intrusive thoughts of like things that I never, like my brain was like, Oh my God, where did that come from? This is terrible. This is like,

I never doubted my safety around me and my child, but I recognized like, oh, what in the world is that? But I was so scared. Like that mom said, what if they take my baby away? For me, just having this terrible thought. What if they think I'm crazy? What if all the scary things, right? Well, in postpartum, I feel like when you had your firstborn, postpartum has really...

just kind of become a topic that is not so taboo. And so when you had your firstborn, like it wasn't really talked about. No. Even you being a healthcare provider at that time too, it just still wasn't really out there and what it is.

Like it's not just crying and feeling depressed. It's sometimes those weird thoughts that you just don't even know where they came from. And so I held it in and I didn't talk about it and I made it through. And because I knew that I was safe, I like consciously knew, okay, you know, I was in the mild to moderate stage where I could identify, I know that I'm safe.

And so I just made it through. And then looking back, I was able to identify it and be like, ooh, that was actually postpartum depression right there. And it didn't have to be so bad. And then I started talking to my girlfriends about it. And they were like, oh, yeah, I had that too. I had that experience too. So many women or birth givers go through this. It's so...

Yeah. I just listened to those of you out there, if you're kind of dealing with this or feeling kind of like an identity crisis being a mom and things like that, I just listened to the most amazing NPR podcast. NPR puts on this other show called Life Kit.

And they have an episode geared specifically towards like this whole thing of like being a mom, shifting friend groups and like having people that you can still find support with postpartum and all of that. So I'll definitely post the link on the YouTube and as well as some other resources. Thank you, Morgan. Yeah. And you know, if you are a new mom, something I learned in the life kit episode was that like PMADS, the perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, um,

You can't officially diagnose those until after about three weeks because it's like at that time there's still such an influx and the hormone imbalance still. So if you are a new mom and struggling, just know. Absolutely. Reach out. There is help. It doesn't have to be so hard. It doesn't. It doesn't have to be so hard. No. And dads can be affected as well. I think that was like an interesting thing I've learned recently is that

Fathers can be affected by postpartum depression as well. Oh, I'm sure. It's something that's... I mean, they're sympathetic pregnancies, so why not? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so I'll make sure that some resources get posted. But just know you are not alone and there's some great communities out there if you do need some help.

Okay. Hey there, it's Ryan Seacrest for Safeway. Take care of yourself this summer and save on personal care items at your local store. Now through August 27th, get extra discounts when you purchase participating items like Dove Beauty Bar, Dove Body Wash, Dove Men Plus Care Body Wash, or deodorant, Dove Shampoo, Trace-A-May Shampoo, and Axe Body Spray. The more you buy, the more you save. Catch these deals before they're gone. Offer ends August 27th. Restrictions apply. Promotions may vary.

Visit Safeway.com for more details. Shifting gears. Okay. Am I the asshole for refusing to babysit my niece? Well, you would be. No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. So, long story short, I, 29 female, was engaged to my sister's now husband. A month before the wedding, I walked in on my sister, 33 female, Lily, and Mike, 33 male, having sex on my bed. No! No!

Oh, not the asshole then. I dumped him on the spot. Good for her. After doing some digging, I found out that they had been having an affair for six months and that my sister was two months pregnant with his baby. Most of our family had cut out Lily, but after her daughter, Emily, was born, she was accepted back into the family.

This is mostly because Emily was the first grandchild, first great grandchild, and first niece. Well, and of course, not the baby's fault. Not the baby's fault. Lily and Mike also got married not long after Emily, six, was born.

Even though Lily has been accepted back into the family, I don't speak to her or Mike or Emily. I want nothing to do with them. I know Emily is innocent in all this, but being around her and seeing her just reminds me of all the pain I felt when I found out about Lily and Mike. Our parents have tried to get me to forgive and forget, but I just can't.

So now the issue. My parents usually babysit Emily for my sister when she works or when she runs errands. Lily loves to drop off Emily unannounced. Last week, she apparently had an emergency at work and came to drop off Emily, but our parents weren't home. They had gone out with some friends and would not be back until the next day. When I told her this, she begged and asked if I could just watch Emily since I wasn't working that day. I flat out told her no and

She kept bugging, saying it's just for a few hours and that she was my niece. I told her again, no. She then said, okay, and I just walked away. A few minutes later, I heard her car pull off and the doorbell ring. When I opened the door, I saw Emily, my niece, standing there. When I asked her about her mom, she said, Mommy said you will look after me. Oh!

Good for her. Okay.

They went off on how I should have already gotten over my hate for Lily and her family already and grow up and about how I almost cost Lily her job. I tried telling them that I've gotten over it, but I simply don't want anything to do with Lily and her family. They kept going on and on until I just walked away. I've been getting calls and messages from Lily's friends calling me an asshole and some other names.

I spoke to my other sibling and some friends about this, and I have been getting conflicting opinions. Some say I was justified in how I reacted, while others say I acted like an asshole and could have just watched the kid for a few hours. I need some outsider's perspectives on all of this. Am I the asshole? No. No, absolutely not. No. And that's the overall vote. And as a mother, would you want to leave your kid with anybody who did not want to watch them?

Come on. I mean, come on. She's clearly set a boundary. Yes. You fucked up. This is the bridge you burned and the problem you created. Yeah. This is her boundary. Good for her for setting that boundary. Boundaries are hard to set. They're hard to stick to. So 100% not the asshole. Not at all. It was her sister? Her sister. Her sister. Her sister. Cheated. For six months. For

months and then got pregnant and they would like it's not like they called off the wedding it was a month before the wedding that she walked in on them what would have happened if she wouldn't have walked in yeah she was already two months pregnant dang what how would this have played out if she wouldn't have walked in right they probably wanted her to walk in because it was it was in her bed

You know, sometimes, though, I think at that point, people just get so confident, like Superman syndrome. No one's going to find out. Yeah. No one will know. Who's going to know? Who's going to know? Who's going to know? Yeah. So that's terrible. Absolutely terrible. I feel really bad for that little kid. I know. I feel really terrible for that kid. I know. And you know what? Her parents should not be...

Telling her how to feel. They need to respect that. No, that's terrible. And you know, okay, family, right? I think that you and Matt's family is a perfect, wonderful example of like, yeah, sometimes families are blood, but sometimes family is not blood and it's family is who you choose. And it's a-okay if you have a toxic family member to be like, nope, this is my life. Yeah. And you're not welcome in it.

Yeah, I completely agree. Overall vote was not the asshole. Top comment, not the asshole. You said no and the child was abandoned. You even called to warn your sister to collect her child, which was more communication than you were provided. Someone else goes, no is a complete sentence. Someone goes, true. But if she feels the need to elaborate in her response to the flying monkeys, I would go with, I will not babysit my cheating ex's child. It's a good one.

Yeah, and flying monkeys on the narcissistic parents' threads are just no mother-in-law, and people that are having these group of enablers behind them, they like to call them the flying monkeys. Like Wizard of Oz kind of tribute a little bit? The enablers, yeah. Okay, yeah. Yeah, I think that's the thing too. It's like, yeah, this is your sister and your niece, but this was also the man you planned on spending your life with.

And that's the direct... What a betrayal. Yeah, that's the direct result, product of that betrayal and affair. So I don't think I'd be babysitting. No. It wouldn't be me. No. It wouldn't be me. Easy, easy decision on that one. Yeah. Up next...

And a couple of flings. Okay.

You know, I'm just going to nonchalantly throw that out there. Just a couple of flings while you're carrying my baby and having joint pains and swollen ankles. Casual. Just some casual flings. Okay. Overall, we have kept it amicable through her pregnancy, but I definitely wouldn't call us friends.

I called to check on her since she is due within the next month and asked what the plan was for delivery. I guess I assumed I would be in the delivery room when the baby is being born. She told me due to COVID precautions, she's only allowed one person with her while she's in the hospital and she's going to have her best friend with her and that I can meet the baby once she gets home. I got angry and told her it was petty and vindictive to not allow me in the room to witness our child's birth.

She snapped back and told me she needs someone who brings her comfort and she can be vulnerable with, and that's not me. Am I the asshole for calling her petty to be in this situation? Yes. Yeah. Yes. Asshole. For sure. Asshole. Without a doubt. Asshole. Labor is so personal and so challenging and so...

Um, I don't even have the words really to describe it. No, I think individualized. Yeah. And I think I've traumatized everyone in like an earlier episode that I, I'm clearly very scared of carrying a child, giving birth, all of the above. So I've, I've really scarred people with the fact that you can break ribs, you can lose teeth, your bladder is your bladder the same TMI.

You know, honestly, mostly. But pelvic floor therapy, you know, everybody, it's a good thing. Yeah. So childbirth is... It can be traumatic. It can be traumatic. And so when you're in the thick of it, too, I mean... Into the thick of it? I mean, sometimes I wanted my...

midwife of a nurse who was... Well, she was a nurse who was going to school to be a midwife. She was amazing. I know. It was a girl I went to high school with, I think. Yeah. She was amazing. But she knew all the, like, okay, do this position. Let's try this. Like, she was so supportive and you needed that person. That's who you need. That's the vibe. And...

That's the vibe. You need, and for me, Matt was, I only wanted Matt in the room as well because he was my person. You know, you just want the person that's going to give you the most support. Not a cheating ex. No. Oh, my God. No. I'd be like, get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck away from me. Yeah. So overall vote was asshole. Okay. You were spot on.

Top comment. You're the asshole. Giving birth is an incredibly difficult process, so she has the right to focus on her comfort first. Really? I'm surprised she's even offering to let you see the child. Right. I know many women that if while they were pregnant their partner cheated on them, then the father wouldn't see anything but a court date for child support. You should be grateful she is being as civil as she is.

That comment got 37,000 upvotes. Wow. Yeah. Well, 110%. Especially COVID is a real thing. So there were those restrictions. There are those restrictions in some places still. And everybody's just trying to keep everybody safe.

And so it's not her fault she can only have one person. So if you're in the most terrible pain of your life, do you want your cheating ex there? So OP does have an edit.

He goes, edit to add, since these have been questions in the comments, yeah, I cheated on her. Yes, some of it was before she was pregnant. She broke it off because she caught me sexting while we were laying in bed one night and then found all the other stuff. We ended on the note we would try to be friends for the baby. We were going to try to go to counseling and see if we could fix things and work it out for the baby, but then she caught me in a lie. Not cheating again, but related a line to trying to minimize her

her hurt due to what I'd done and she cut me off completely other than giving me updates after each appointment and inviting me to a 3D ultrasound. It's been entirely her choice not to be friends. Her best friend hasn't even been around for her pregnancy. She's been traveling for work. She's only coming back now to help with labor and recovery then leaving again. Last part of why I feel it's pettiness motivating her choices is because she's using COVID as the reason to keep my family from meeting the baby.

She told me she thinks only my parents should meet her until she gets a little bit older and wants them to wear masks. But she's still working as a nurse, getting exposed to COVID daily. So how is it really that much of a concern to her? I feel like it's about control over the baby. She is so responsible. Way to go.

OP. No, not OP, but you know. Baby mama. Baby mama. Way to go, baby mama. Seriously. Absolutely. She sounds amazingly responsible. A little baddie being a nurse. Yes. Eight months still grinding as a nurse. Heck yes. And you know, there's something about this emotional trust and this emotional connection that your best friend does.

Doesn't have to be in the same town, city, country, whatever, for you guys to still have that emotional trust and connection. Yeah. And that trust. And that her best friend is flying in for her delivery. I mean, that speaks volumes. The fact she's flying in and staying for almost labor and recovery. That's a long time for this other person to take off work to be there to support her friend. Obviously, they're close.

They've got a bond. Not petty. Not petty at all. And this guy's just a pathological liar, it sounds like. Oh, caught me in another lie. Get real, buddy. You did this to yourself. This is on you. 100%. 100%. Yeah. The comments just rip him to shreds, I hope. Rip him to shreds. And rightfully so. Basically just being like,

Poor thing has to co-parent with this dude for the next 18 years. And that's the thing, too, that I really think is like, when you have a partner that's not a partner or is shit like this, don't try to make it work for the kid's sake. The kids end up suffering. The kids pick up on this stuff and witness this stuff. They're smart. They're intuitive. They're so intuitive. And then that's the relationship example they grew up seeing as well. So like,

It's not worth it. Right. Someone goes, $5 says he ditches the kid within a year. He's already proven he can't handle commitment. Ooh, burn. That one's bad. That one's so bad. Oh. Well, I hope that he kind of like learned from all those comments. Yeah. Maybe took some time for some self-reflection. Seriously. Some growth. Maybe a little meditation. Yeah. Yeah.

Lord knows he needs all of that. Yeah, I agree. But he needs to grow up real fast. He's got a baby coming. Yeah.

Hey there, it's Ryan Seacrest for Safeway. Take care of yourself this summer and save on personal care items at your local store. Now through August 27th, get extra discounts when you purchase participating items like Dove Beauty Bar, Dove Body Wash, Dove Men Plus Care Body Wash, or deodorant, Dove Shampoo, Trace-A-May Shampoo, and Axe Body Spray. The more you buy, the more you save. Catch these deals before they're gone. Offer ends August 27th. Restrictions apply. Promotions may vary.

Visit Safeway.com for more details. So we can get a little more into the bad parenting or tough love. Okay.

Am I the asshole for refusing to let my stepson return home without punishment after he ruined my daughter's book collection? My biological 12-year-old daughter, Susan, likes to collect and read old children's books. She's become an incredible reader. She had problems with reading and learning before, and we were advised to encourage her to read, and ever since she started reading, her skills have improved.

She also reads to her two-year-old sister every night. So sweet. I love this child already. I have a 16-year-old stepson, Levi, who can be a hothead sometimes. We don't have a son-dad relationship, but I respect him and he respects me, though he can act...

quite mean and selfish towards me and his sisters. He'd throw away stuff that belongs to us over small arguments and teases Susan for spending a lot of time reading and calling her a grandma. My wife and I discussed his behavior and had conversations and agreed on punishment, but Levi'd go to his dad's place whenever he causes troubles, then have his dad yell at me for wanting to discuss a suitable punishment.

Then Levi comes home days later expecting me to let go of what he did every time. It's frustrating. I got a call at work from Susan saying Levi took her entire book collection and threw them in the pool. That's so sad. After she refused to lend him and his friends her camera for his trip.

My wife helped get them out, but they were wet and some were torn. It was horrific because some of those books are hard to get and meant a lot to Susan as a part of her life. I was so mad at Levi, I came home to have a conversation with my wife to decide on a punishment. But he already packed a small bag and went to his dad's.

I asked my wife how could she let him basically run after doing this, and she said he'd called his dad and he came to pick him up after Susan said that I was coming home to deal with the problem.

I went to his dad's house and he refused to let me see him. I told him how Levi was hiding from consequences and his dad tried to justify why Levi was acting out by blaming me for how me and Susan treat him. He even said he'd get CPS involved if I ever tried to punish him because I'm not his dad. I have no right.

Adding what Levi did was a reaction to my daughter being mean to him. He told me to leave because Levi won't come home till I promised not to do anything about what he did and put it in writing.

I told him Levi should stay there with him then. He's not to come back till he gets proper punishment. His dad argued it's his mom house too and called my wife and she asked to let this go and we'll figure out some way to resolve it. But I don't think it's fair to Susan to have her books ruined and Levi get away with it. They're asking me to let it go, but this will only encourage Levi to do worse if I don't deal with it now. It's been two weeks and my in-laws say I was out of line for banning Levi from coming home.

and are telling me to step back, but I refused. Oh, parenting is so hard. And then co-parenting. Fuck this kid. 16. I know. I mean, oh, jeez. He can drive a car at 16. Like, that was wrong. Absolutely. He knows it. A hundred percent. Like, he's being a terrorist like this.

Because he's gotten away with it so many times. Yeah. Opie said it right at the beginning. He does this shit and destroys stuff when he doesn't get his way. And then runs. And then runs. It's a pattern. Like, so hard. And it seems like all the parents, well, maybe not the step-parent, but, you know, the mom and the dad are a little bit enabling. Oh, my God, yeah. Like, I really honestly feel like the responsibility needs to fall on the mom. Yeah. It's not...

it's got to be a joint effort, but it's also, like the dad said, it isn't really the stepdad's place. Right. It's the mom to lay down the hammer. And it feels like she's not. No. And you know what? Okay. Which then undermines the stepdad. I'm sure that the 16-year-old kid has gone through a lot, too. We don't know his background, but his parents are separated. Divorce can be really hard. Divorce can be really tough. His brain is still growing. He doesn't... His body's changing. Puberty. All that stuff. Oh, shit. And...

And that can be really hard. So you got to think about that too, right? Yeah. I mean, he definitely needs a little bit more direction from his biological mom and dad, and they need to try to figure out a way where they can be on the same page, co-parent a little bit better. Stepdad, that's a super hard place to be in because that's his daughter. You know, he's like, that wasn't right. And they have another child together, which sounds like Levi isn't the best to that little one either. Yeah.

So that's super hard to watch, I think. I don't know what, like at what step of the game he came into this family or this relationship. But I'm also really about like natural consequences and natural consequences

um, repercussions and like, instead of like a, like, Oh, stepdad's coming home to punish you, you know? Okay. Well, you know what? Maybe let's think about what would happen in the real world if you destroyed someone else's property and you're going to need to pay for the replacement of that and somehow make it up to that little one. No, whether it's,

you know, getting a job, which probably the 16 year old could benefit from. I don't know. I would agree with that. Yeah. Well, it's like this poor little one. It's like, she's only 12 and it sounds like a lot of these books had a lot of sentimental value. Right. So it's really heartbreaking for her. Like having someone purposefully destroy your stuff or hurt you by damaging something of yours is,

It's gut-wrenching. Yeah. Especially if it means so much to you at that age. Yeah. So top comment on this one.

People really popped off. Yeah, what did everybody else say? So not the asshole at all, which I agree. This dude sounds so rational. He does. He was coming home to have a conversation about punishment. Whether that's grounding, not letting him go on a trip. He sounded like he was being very rational. Absolutely. The son absolutely blew it out of proportion to his father. He's been pampered. And he's milking the system of running to his dad's.

So the top comment, not the asshole. If your wife refuses to punish her son, then you need to divorce her or at the very least move into a separate house with Susan and your youngest daughter until Levi is out of the house for good. If your stepson continues to get away with hurting Susan with no consequence, Susan is going to suffer greatly. This is the hill to die on.

And they add,

You gotta absolutely, like, protect your child. No matter what. You're their advocate. Because...

Also, if he's disrespecting her property so much, are there other things that he's not respecting? You've got to be just kind of on the lookout for that stuff. Yeah. The comment after that goes, agree 100%. This is a hill to die on. Not just for the daughter, but also Levi. He needs not only the consequences of his action, but intervention from a trained professional.

Which that's true. Like, he might need some therapy. Maybe he's lashing out for a reason. Like, this isn't normal behavior. We all need therapy from time to time, especially this kid. Everyone can benefit from therapy. For real. Everyone. For real. Let's remove that stigma. Everyone. Absolutely. We're big therapy pluggers here. Big therapy pluggers. I like it. Yeah. So someone else goes, I'd start with selling everything he has at your house and using the money to start replacing her books. Okay. Okay.

Fair punishment. It's either get a job and pay to replace the books or you're going to lose some of your things that you value because you wanted to sabotage her. I feel like that's a natural consequence. I like it. Yeah. So comments really popped off on this. People were like, file a claim in small claims court for the value of the books. Keep it up with everything he destroys. When his bio dad is on the hook for paying for all his destructive behavior, he'll change his tune. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe.

But that then creates a lot of inner family co-parenting drama. Sure does. It's really... I don't know if we have to involve the courts thus far, but I mean, you can leave it in your back pocket. Yeah. Levi definitely needs some consequences either way. He needs some consequences. He needs some therapy. Therapy. He's still a minor. His brain is growing. Yeah. Yeah.

But he needs some direction. So I 100%, you know, he has, he needs to take responsibility, but his parents need to help him take responsibility. Yeah. The mom needs to get on board. I think it's, that's where it lies. Yeah, definitely. I think being a step parent, like would be very, very difficult. Like it's not your kids. There could be some resentment there. Like I know I went through that with my step parents. I had like,

Right.

Get it together. Yeah. As a step parent, I feel like you got to be that positive influence. You need to be that. You need to a little bit be more of a friend. Yeah. I kind of think. An ally, but also like a stern ally. Like there's that mutual respect. I was like, yeah. Yeah.

Fine line to walk. Not the asshole. No. Not the asshole. Tough love, I'd say. Not bad parenting. There you go. Okay, next one. The last one for us.

Am I the asshole for telling my wife to bring my youngest daughter with her?

I have two daughters, Elise, 15, and Addie, 4. Addie is also my wife's daughter, and Elise is from a previous relationship. Elise used to only visit every other weekend, but two years ago, her mom died and she moved in with us. Since then, my wife has taken Elise out once a week to get lunch, dinner, and shop or get their nails done or go to the beach, as well as taking Elise out for ice cream or hot cocoa after her therapy sessions.

My wife takes Addie out, but not as much as Elise. And when they go out, it's usually just to the park, then for ice cream or to the zoo. They're planning an overnight trip to a beach town a few hours away for Elise's birthday. And Addie is upset that she doesn't get to go. So I told my wife to bring Addie with her. My wife said Addie wouldn't like most of the stuff they do together. And even if she did, all of her attention would be on Addie and making sure she doesn't run off or get hurt.

I told my wife that Addie is upset about not getting to go with them and she needs to make it fair. But she snapped and said that Addie gets the majority of her attention every day and that this is making it fair to Elise. She left and is refusing to talk about this again. So I wanted to know if I was the asshole. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Four year old doesn't get to come with.

The four-year-old is like a little baby. She's not going to know the difference after. They are in such different places in their lives. At different levels. It sounds like the mom, the stepmom, new mom, is really trying very hard to have a nice, special relationship with his daughter. Yeah, she's bonding. Yes. She has like...

Picked up like such a tragic experience losing your mom at this young age. Like I have anxiety about my parents passing now. So like I cannot even imagine going through this trauma. And this stepmom is like kicking it up to level like 110. Like she's on fucking X Games mode. Right. Trying to like make up for this little girl's loss. This is a dream step parent. She's being fantastic. Right.

devoting personal time, making her feel important, making her feel like family. Yeah. Not like the four-year-old doesn't get to come. No. And like for the dad to like kind of miss this, like buddy, I don't know why. No. And like, here's your opportunity to spend time with your four-year-old daughter and have a fun bonding weekend.

Here's your opportunity. Get it together. Like, make it, oh, no, this is time for mommy and Elise. Like, we're going to have a fun weekend, too. Just wait. Yeah. It's a daddy and daughter date also. Yeah. It is a mommy and, well, not really anymore, but stepmom. Stepmom. And daughter.

And daughter. Yeah. Stepdaughter. Date. However you want to. Birthday date. Whatever. But you can play it up and you can make it positive for that four-year-old girl, too. I kind of am like, dude, do you just need the weekend? Are you trying to get the weekend by yourself? Yeah. Like, that's a little selfish there. Yeah. This post is now deleted. Yeah.

But I do have some of the comments screenshotted. Okay. So top comment, you're the asshole. Overall vote on this was asshole. Yes. No doubt. Like, easy there. Bad parenting here. Right. Bad parenting. Yeah.

So, you're the asshole. Good lord. Your wife is being a great stepmom to your teenage daughter who just lost her mom. Small kids get upset about not being able to do the same things as their older siblings do. That's normal. You, as a parent, have to deal with her disappointment. This is normal. It's a part of being a parent. You now have a gift, the chance to spend time with your little girl one-on-one. Make it a daddy-daughter weekend. Yes! Like you said, build stuff, make stuff. Put...

Put a putter in her hands? Whatever. The weekend Addie has now is up to you. Can you make it fun for her? And the top comment is, maybe he just doesn't want to babysit. Right? So, ask... It's not babysitting if it's your kid. Ooh.

Thank you. So as someone points out in the comments, as per OP replies here, and they linked it, but I just have a screenshot. They usually go while Addie's in daycare or summer camp or close to her bedtime. So it's pretty difficult for me to do anything with her when they go out.

Well, sounds like he is due for some one-on-one time with that little four-year-old. Yeah. I tell you what, four-year-olds, the world revolves around them. That's normal. Like, how do you have a special birthday weekend if you're with someone where the world revolves around them? And that's, like she said, like, she's got to worry about her not getting hurt, her running away, her getting kidnapped. Like, four-year-olds are little, like...

they're little terrorists. Like they are just in their own little world. They want everything their way. Like I nannied a four-year-old and a five-year-old and a three-year-old and like they all grew and it's just like,

It was chaos. Right. And like this little girl needs a fun weekend all on her own. And my daughter's four, it's so fun to join her in her little world. But I tell you what, that's what we're doing. We are joining her in her world. In her world. Yes. Someone comments, things my four-year-old has been jealous of today. That the 18-month-old is on antibiotics. Yes. That the 18-month-old got a Pedialyte freeze. That the cat gets to sleep on the TV stand. Yes.

that daddy gets to go to work, and that people who got flooded in the last few weeks get to have lakes in their yards.

What did Eloise say to you earlier tonight? Like, oh, be quiet. Don't talk because I want to sing. Literally. For everybody. She was trying to put on her Elsa show and me talking was ruining her vibe. It was ruining it. So, Auntie Morgan, just please be quiet because I need to sing. I ruined the vibe for sure. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

Yeah. Someone goes like, basically, where are you in all of this? You haven't mentioned any attention or time you spend with your kids. In any case, you're the asshole. And someone replies, he hasn't mentioned it probably because he doesn't. He probably like all of the parenting responsibility is probably on the wife, the stepmom, the mother. So in his eyes, he's like, what the fuck am I supposed to do for a weekend? You got to take the four-year-old.

I can't handle this. And if he does it, it's going to be the best weekend ever. I mean, play Legos. Do something you like to do. It's so easy. They're just scared. There's a lot of comments just basically tearing him apart, just basically being like, it sounds like this perspective is coming from him and he really has no idea what's truly going on in their day-to-day. It sounds like he's very uninvolved is what a lot of the commenters are picking up on.

Like someone goes, did you notice Addie getting more attention than Elise at home? I mean, from a practical purpose, adults tend to pay more attention to younger kids and teenagers tend to not want to spend time with their parents. I don't know that anyone is the asshole here, but I do wonder how aware you are of the dynamic inside your home. Yeah. Parents don't tend to pay more attention to their younger kids. Younger kids demand that their parents pay more attention to them. True. So...

Yeah, someone else goes, they quote him saying, quote, my wife says. And they go, is an odd way to put it. Do you think she's lying? Oh. And it's also like everything, his perspective, like my wife says. It's like, well, where are you? Where is your involvement in all of this? Exactly. Do you go to work, come home, and then your hand's off? You good after that? Right. Right.

Yeah. Well, it seems like he hit the lottery with his now current wife. Seriously. And he needs to be thankful for that. And there's a little bit of opportunity for growth. Yeah. Here's your chance, buddy. Here's your chance. That's a nice way of saying you've been fucking it up. Truly. Some bad parenting there. Step it up. Yeah. Parenting is, it should be 50-50. And like, I saw like a post and I, we talked about it a little bit on our Wholesome episode, the one with the stay-at-home mom.

Where like the husband is like, oh, stay at home mom. Like, no, everything is on you. That's what a stay at home mom does. But the mom was being like, no, she gets nine to five. And then after five, it is split 50-50. I really liked that. I loved that take. Mom's perspective. Yeah. Absolutely. That's how it should be. Like I see something, I saw something else on Reddit too. And it was talking about this story about this mom working. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. The mom and the husband both work. They're full-time workers. But then when the mom comes home, the mom is still expected to take care of the kid the whole night. And the dad is very hands-off. And it's like, so she's working two jobs? Yep. Super common. How's that fair? You know, women can have it all, but then that means that you just do it all. And everybody needs to come into the current times and really think about how you're splitting it 50-50. So there's this card game.

on Amazon that I've heard about where it goes through and lists all of kind of the responsibilities for day to day life, but not just like taking out the trash, doing the dishes, doing the laundry, caring for the kids, but also the mental tasks that a lot of women take on as far as falling on the like house manager, like, okay, keeping track of kids, dentist appointments,

and doctor's appointments and paying the daycare and figuring out, okay, if this kid is sick, then what's going to happen? Who stays home? The logistics of their life. So on and so on. Yeah. So dividing up all those tasks and you get like a card deck and then you can compare like, okay, is it split 50-50? Yeah.

Or does one person have like this big stack and this other person have this little stack where you can maybe then decide, okay, let's reassign some of these responsibilities. I love that. To make it a little more fair. So both people feel balanced. Yeah. I love that. Do you remember what it's called?

I don't know, but I Amazoned it lately. We'll find it and I'll post the link. I kind of want to order that. Like that sounds, it's cool. I've heard of people even preparing for their kids coming so they can think about it and be conscious about it and be like, okay, this naturally a lot of the times. And as a type A person, I like it done this way. I have a hard time letting go of things. So it's not always, right? It's not always your partner's thing.

Maybe it's sometimes a little bit of share of responsibility that like, okay, I like the clothes folded this way and you're not allowed to fold them any other way or stack them in the drawer any other way than this way. So maybe there's a little bit of give and take so that both of your plates feel balanced. So I don't know. We'll have to, I'll have to look up the name of that card game. I love this though. I recently learned, like I have so much to say on this. Like this in itself could be a whole nother hour. I know. Sure. It absolutely could.

So I just learned about this term though, like weaponized incompetence that I love our male listeners out there, but in like a lot of traditional households where the mom, wife, or however that looks in your household, the caregiver has all of these tasks, like even grocery shopping. Right. And then where they'll ask their spouse to do it and they'll go do it, but they need their hand held. They call from the store. Oh, is it this ketchup? No.

They get back from the store. They got the wrong stuff despite having a list. And so there's this term I recently learned and I really want to dive in and learn more about, but weaponized incompetence, where they'll do it on purpose so that you're not asked to do it again. Yes. What? Yes. That's terrible. Big thing. But again, to plug NPR and the Life Kit podcast, they have a great episode about like,

a relationship contract, a love contract. And it's this amazing contract where you kind of like analyze kind of like the card game did. Okay. Where are you on this? How would you like to be on this? What responsibilities could I take from you? Are you happy with our balance?

What are your goals financially? What are your goals relationship-wise for us? And you kind of do this periodically every six months, maybe once a month. And you kind of reevaluate your relationship. And it's like they did it on the episode. Like the producer and her partner did it. And it was so great. And I'm like, okay, I want to do this. But I'm like, this card game sounds like the same thing. And it's guided. It sounds so nice. You know, I envision it with someone.

Oh, yeah. Okay. You have to have a glass or two of wine before I think you dive into this game. Yes. Lube up a little bit. There you go. As we like to call it. Maybe have some bedroom accessories ready for afterwards. You can make up. I don't know. Yeah. You might have to. You got to plan this and be strategic. Especially if you get heated. Yeah.

Got to have a good way to recover. Right. But yeah, nowadays, whether you're a stay-at-home mom or you're a working mom, I think then you come home from whatever you've been doing all day. And if it just continues without that equal balance from your partner, it can be really exhausting. You're working 16, maybe 18-hour days. Right. And I'm sure that there are men that are doing this as well. Absolutely. Yeah. There's a lot of stay-at-home dads nowadays, which is good.

Absolutely. I love it. You know, to each their own, do what makes you happy. Yeah. At the end of the day, that's what we're all about here. Happiness. Yeah. Well, thank you for joining me. This has been so much fun. I know. It's so good. I have a feeling everyone's going to like your calm, rational, educated responses. We'll see. No, this was good. So thank you. You're welcome. Cheers. Cheers.

Well, you guys, that's all I have on this episode of Two Hot Takes. Make sure you tune into the YouTube and check this out because Amy's reactions on a lot of these stories were priceless. They were great. But until next time, bye guys. Bye.

Hey there, it's Ryan Seacrest for Safeway. Take care of yourself this summer and save on personal care items at your local store. Now through August 27th, get extra discounts when you purchase participating items like Dove Beauty Bar, Dove Body Wash, Dove Men Plus Care Body Wash or deodorant, Dove Shampoo, Trace-A-May Shampoo and Axe Body Spray. The more you buy, the more you save. Catch these deals before they're gone. Offer ends August 27th. Restrictions apply. Promotions may vary.

Visit Safeway.com for more details.