Tom’s Insane Algorithm | 2 Bears, 1 Cave 59:29

100% I'm glad that the jungles of Peru treated you well. It's glad that you're back and that you've seen a new perspective on life. I wasn't expecting you to bring the attire with you. I just had to go in and talk to the mother plant and have my medicine. Yeah? Do you have a new perspective? I do. Here's the thing about Peruvians. I don't know if you know this. I don't know. Did you know they lost...

I think I've told you this before. They lost Machu Picchu. The dudes who stopped mowing his grass and they lost Machu Picchu. Isn't that crazy? It's pretty crazy. I mean, it makes sense. Yeah. Like it makes sense. Like it's almost like I saw a dude on Instagram the other day. Oh my God. Didn't get blocked by cat paws. You didn't get blocked? I didn't get blocked. Wait, is that the one who's like, here's what I made for lunch? Yeah, and by the way, I have so many fucking people. Did she reach out to you? I reached out and offered her a bottle of a case of vodka. And? She said no.

No vodka. She said, no, I don't give out my address, which is probably a smart move. Probably to you, that's definitely a smart move. But then again, she might have gotten a bunch of cool stuff from you. I would have fucking hooked her up, but she didn't block me. That's all that matters. I think that this is an opportunity to tell Catpaw's

And I would rarely say this, but I think you should give Burt your address. I think you'll actually treat her well. I would hook her up. Yeah, with some other stuff too, probably. Dude, I am... I don't even want to talk about Instagram. It's so fucking stupid. And all the things... Every time I see... Because my algorithm is so bananas. Yeah. It is very mentally ill, tons of violence and death.

and just bizarre. I mean, I built it. I'm proud of it, but it's a crazy algo. It is wild when you get into a death algorithm, and then as you scroll, they just get worse. You know the one thing that I really, I fucking always go like, oh, is head trauma? Because I get a bunch of head trauma clips. You know, like people, you know what the big one is? A rope to swing off, and here's the thing. If you don't have the strength to,

Because they don't account for the downforce. No. And so it's like, if you don't have the strength to pull yourself, if you can't do one pull-up or just engage harder and harder, you shouldn't do that. And there are countless people who are like, got it. And they take the rope and they just fall right off the rope into like a wall of rocks. And you're like, oh my God.

And you just see their life change. Their life just changed forever. There's two types of people, men and women. Yeah. If you are the latter, do not try a rope swing. Don't do the rope swing. Every chick in water shoes and a one-piece. If you are in a one-piece, don't try a fucking rope swing. It is mostly women. It's mostly women. Dude, my favorite one, this is horrible, is watching people drown. Like...

It's your favorite? There are so many people very confident that they'll be able to jump. There we go. This is going to get caught on her. Oh! Oh. Yeah, that sucks. Look at that. She actually... She was smart. She engaged her feet. Yeah, she's not bad. That's not too bad. I mean, it's bad the way it ended, but... Dude, that's a fucking waterboarding right there. Oh, my God. Let's see her.

Did she make it? She barely cleared it? Or did she get hurt? Yeah, there's people who can't jump. Ugh.

You know, I knew a girl who jumped off a rock at Havasu. By the way, if she'd been alone, like if there was no camera, she's alone, she just drowns. And you'd be like, this is great. I love watching people drown. When people jump off rocks in Hawaii, when they underestimate how tough the ocean is around those rocks, around the caves, and you watch them, best rope swing fails of all time. Yeah. I'm in. Yeah, let's... All right, let's see.

Oh. Oh! Oh yeah, he's not there. He didn't even make it. And then the water's the insult. Oh, I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't. Ooh. Christ, let's see. He... Oh, that's another one. See, he was supposed to be alright. Oh boy. She didn't... Oh my god. There's no lake. Yeah. I don't know what that was. Yeah, that just collapsed. He's not good. There we go. This is what we were... This is what we were...

That's the one. Go back to her. I want to see her one more time. That's the one. Someone should have stopped this as it was starting. Yeah.

She couldn't handle the weight. She has a tutu around her one piece. What made her think that she could hold her weight up? I said, it can't be that bad. She can't. She has no gauge for it. She's like, oh, this is what people are doing. Oh! That was smart. Okay, all right, immediately. Let's see. Oh!

One, two, three! That's exactly what I... Yep. Oh, that fucking hurt. I could feel that in my teeth. Oh, he's fucked up. He's real fucked up. Oh, he's going into the rocks. Oh my god. I saw one where a guy... Here, pause that. When he did a skateboarding trick, no helmet, lost control when he was jumping off.

And he landed, his head hit the curb, and then he just started to go, make like grunting sounds. Like, yeah, it was, it's. My algorithm right now is all middle class wives making dinner for their families. How do you land them? I don't know. Making dinner? Can I tell you? Because I don't read my own comments. I have assassinations. That's what I have right now.

And a lot of them are in Brazil. Really? Yeah. I saw one where they unloaded 100 rounds into a car. The guy lived because he had an armored car. Armored car. Yeah. Those things, have you ever gotten into an armored car? No. They got me one one time, and they're not comfortable. They're really small inside. And heavy. And they're heavy as fucking shit, and the doors are really thick. Yeah. I was like, guys, I think this is overkill. Yeah.

Well, how do you get middle class wives making dinner? Can you pull up Mama Ray? Mama Ray. Okay, so I'm Mama Ray. Once again, I want you to know that I'm a fan because this is going to get a lot. This is going to become a lot for you. But I'm a fan. So you got to go Mama Ray, middle to lower class housewife making hubby dinner. Making hubby lunch. Middle to lower class housewife.

That's insane. Okay, so what I'm watching, and I want to break down what I'm watching. What I'm watching is there is a huge swath of lower, keep going, keep going, lower. That's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it. Bougie dinner. That's bougie, huh?

Lower middle class mom. Yeah, lower middle class. Family of seven. Well, that's why you're lower middle class. And all her videos. Her videos are... The thing I love about her videos are the things that she would try to edit out. She's like, shut the fuck up in there. It's great. Her kids are lunatics. They're wild. They're just kids. She's got seven. Her husband is a big dude, but not an obese dude, but she feeds him like he's training for the Olympics. His meals are aggressive. You watch these? I watch all of them. Why? Because...

This is a little bit of a deep dive of my brain. So I don't read my comments, but Mama Ray reads her comments. And she reacts to her comments. So I enjoy reading her comments and then seeing how she addresses them in the next video. I still have, by the way, I'm just watching this right now. I make, whenever I make food, I make it as if my kids are 14. Yeah.

And they eat three bites and they're like, I'm good. And I'm like, eat fucking more, dude. They're like, I'm five. I've never made mac and cheese for the girls and not zhuzhed it up. And they never liked it. They were like, dad, we don't like all the cheeses you put in it. I go, yeah, but it's good. They're like, we just want it out of the box. And I would sneak in a little extra cheddar. But I will say that Julian's going through a growth spurt and has been eating

like a man for real yeah so it's really just uh ellis eats like a kid like he gets done and unbuttons his pants he's like well we had this dinner like a week ago and everyone was like god damn like you fucking eat a lot and i was like oh i took him out for pizza a little while ago like he ate pizza on top of this i'm like yeah like he's just because growth spurts are well i mean i'm sure you're gonna feed him during those growth spurts it's and it's incredible

But what's interesting... So wait, she'll do the next video will be about the comments? No, she'll address the most negative comment because she reads all her comments. So what these women, there's a bunch of them. There's Country Patty, I think. There's Trailer Park Patty.

Trailer Park Patty is really beautiful go to Trailer Park Patty and so what they're doing is and this is what is fascinating me is they are making money on their videos I don't not certain how but they're making money on their videos and it's helping their families get by sure and they're getting views and the videos aren't bad but what's interesting is I'm watching and I mean this would love a very sophomoric approach to marketing from that's Trailer Park Tammy

trailer tent patty trailer patty really pretty and and They're there it's a sophomoric approach to marketing And so what they're doing is they're trying to get brand deals and I'm watching them negotiate like try to get into some brand deals And it's just it's fascinating to me like she mama mama ray bought a Blackstone and you could tell I could tell she was like yo I'm gonna make this deal with Blackstone She makes a lot of meals on Blackstone and she actually makes some pretty fucking good meals. She made smash

smash cinnamon rolls the other day. She burned them, but it was... She burned them. She makes a dickload of bacon. I'll give you a perfect example. Wait, what fascinates you? Little things. The little thing where I know you were paying attention to them. She makes some fucking aggressive meal for the kids. A lot of butter, a lot of everything. It's lower to middle class mom making dinner.

In the comments, it's like, no fucking fruit, no vegetables for your kids. The next one, she's like, and you know I got to put in apples for my kids. They love apples. And you're watching someone deal with their comments. Now, here's the crazy thing. So those comments are people who don't really give a fuck, right? They don't give a fuck. They're just leaving shitty comments. And then that affects their reality. I was with someone the other day.

Who kept telling me, you know, what they say about me in the comments isn't real. And I was like, okay, I didn't, I don't read your comments. And so they're telling me all the really shitty things people are saying about them in their comments. And then they're putting them in my head. And then I start going, well, is that something? Yeah. Now, if they hadn't read their comments, which if they say they're not real, they shouldn't pay attention to. Yes. It's like, if you, are you watching Sean Strickland and David Goggins go at it? No. It's insane. It's insane.

They're going at it? Sean Strickland is basically challenging David Goggins to a fight. When this airs, that fight probably will have already happened. They're going to fight? Why is he challenging him to a fight? Sean Strickland is just... Yeah, I know. He just likes to... He just gets after it. And he's like, you think... Sean Strickland's got a thing about Navy SEALs. And he's like, you guys aren't shit. I'm paraphrasing Sean. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Sean. Yeah. But like, Sean Strickland's Instagram is...

- Wild. - Yeah. - Wild. - But he's saying, you guys aren't shit and I could kick your ass. - I'll kick any Navy SEAL's ass. No one can hold a candle to me. I'm the fucking baddest man on the fucking planet. Come prove yourself. - And did. - So one Navy SEAL did it. If I'm not mistaken, Sean Strickland beat him mercilessly. - Of course. - For 22 minutes. - Yeah, of course. I would predict that every time. - It's like Sean Strickland's just a master at what he does. - Well yeah, he's a fighter. - That's his thing. - Right, but how did Goggins get involved?

You know, I don't know. I just... It's in my feed and I like Goggins and I like Sean. Yeah. So I kind of stay away from it a little bit. But it's showing up so much. It was in the news. It was on my Google News today. I mean, I could see... I mean, each of them would be the other one at the thing that they practice. In other words... Well, I think that's what Sean's also saying is... I think Sean said something like, you can't run from me, keep running or something. Well, yeah, but I mean like...

I don't, Goggins has never been like, I'm a fighter. I fight people. I mean, he's a Navy SEAL, so he's not fucking. Well, he's, I mean, but that's a thing. There's a specific thing. Like he's a, you know, he's a special forces guy who like, if you put him in combat, I'm sure he can execute the mission. That doesn't mean he's hand to hand going to just beat up a UFC fighter. Yeah. It would be tough. You don't, I mean, there's, I think there's women there. I see that there's like women, jujitsu people. Yeah.

that I wouldn't last a second with. - Yeah, if they're-- - If you just know a little bit what you're doing. - This is crazy, can we find out more about this story? - Yeah, type in Sean Strickland, David Goggins, it'll come up right away. - You're saying they're gonna fight?

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But next year, it'll be something else. Maybe dinosaurs? I don't know. I'm not a fortune teller. But I can tell you not to spend a fortune and shop low prices for school on Amazon. Okay, good chat. Amazon, spend less, smile more. If I was David Goggins, I would not entertain the idea of finding Sean Strickland. S-E-A-N. Because, only because, I mean, no slight to David Goggins. He's a fucking...

Gangster, but he Sean sicker. It's like pulling apart all his old videos making fun of him Like who's gonna carry the boats and then he shows pictures of people carrying boats Oh says that says Goggins is willing to spar if he's a trades with him show the world you can fuck with me You can fuck me up. Oh call it a dismissal. Oh, this is too good. Hold on. It's wild Do you know we're living in Joe Rogan's universe?

Joe Rogan created all these people. Okay, so hold on a second. The former UFC champion has since mocked Goggins, a popular influencer, former Navy SEAL.

and the army branch in general. Therefore, leading to a challenge from Goggins to strictly an attempt to prove a hell week isn't as easy as Tarzan believes. This is your opportunity to show the world that you can fuck me up, Goggins said in a video. I will have camera crews out there. You can make sure you bring your fucking camera crew out there because you're going to want to get this on camera. A 49-year-old broke down knee, fucked up body guy is going to put you through a camp that you think

you can fuck me up and this is your opportunity Strickland. I haven't forgotten about your video. I hope to see you there also. So it sounds like what he's saying is, I'm deducing this is about toughness and he's like, you think you're tough, but you can't survive hell week. Yeah. My new trainer is a Navy SEAL. He was the youngest guy to go through Navy SEALs for I think a two week period. He went through at 17 and then a dude went in like a week younger than him the next two weeks.

But I was talking to him about it. We were in the ocean, pretty deep. And I was scared. But I was with him, and I was like, he's not scared. He was really confident. And I said, do you ever get scared? And before I could finish the sentence, he goes, no. I said, what are you afraid of? And he's assuming it was commitment. I said, really? He goes, yeah, that's it. I was like, wow, we're very different. Commitment's what I was looking for. I'm afraid of sharks. I'm afraid of spiders.

I'm afraid of snakes. I always walk through my yard looking for snakes. But I mean, I think everybody gets, this is kind of, I mean, this is kind of silly that, you know, Gagas can't beat him in a fight.

- Do you think Sean Strickland could last through buds? I mean, he's got the mentality. - He does have, you're right, he has a crazy person and he's an athlete and he has a dark door in his head. I don't know if that door ever closes. So, I mean, that's the type of person that can go through it, but the truth is there's really tough people that tap out of that thing, man. - Check to see if they drop the Navy SEAL, the trainee, when they're going through it, they drop them off, if I'm not mistaken, two miles from shore.

Don't know I'm not a great listener and he was telling me the story and I wrote it You know how I take a story and I make it bigger Yeah, and I told it to Leanne I was like they dropped him off four miles from shore and she's like honey He can't see the shore How far do they swim? I think they have to swim two miles He said the hardest part about Navy SEALs and by the way a Connor I apologize if I'm butchering your story Because those seals dudes don't fuck around no like they're pretty fucking honest. Yeah about what they yeah. Yeah, but uh, I

Two mile swim with fins in 80 minutes four mile run in boots That's who's saying four mile run in boots and 31 minutes in the sand four miles in 31 minutes in the sand But he said it's not not all Loose and there is some hard sand but it's still in fucking boots in the sand He said the thing that fucks with you isn't giving up. You don't ever want to give up what happens is once again Connor I'm sorry is you start convincing yourself you're hurt and

- Oh right. - And that's why most people tap out, they go, I can't do it, my back's bad. I got shin splints, I got plantar fascia, plantar fascia, plantar fascia, yeah. And so that, he goes, that's the closest I ever came, but he goes, what's great is if you join with a bunch of dudes, 'cause he was 17, and all his dudes were a little older,

He's like man. They put me on their back and they carried me through fucking seals They like got me through and didn't let me fucking ring the bell. I was like I couldn't last I couldn't I have a hard time lasting through his nine-minute warm-up warm-up warm-up his warm-up Well, you know, I worked out with Josh bridges. I don't know that is pull up Josh bridges Josh bridges So there's like five dudes in I'm gonna once again I apologize cuz I'm talking about men and I'm so I'm as a boy talking about men and

So there's like five dudes that are the goats of CrossFit. Yeah. Okay? It's Rich Froning. Yeah. Matt Groening or something. Matt Schaefer. Matt something. Yeah. Good job. And Josh Bridges. And Josh Bridges. Okay. So I text Josh Bridges and I was like, yo, man, I'm going to be in Denver. You want to work out? And he was like, absolutely. We get out there. His warmup, his warmup was like a 50-yard sled push. Yeah.

Then man makers, you know, they're like burpees with 30-pound weights. Huh? We took Greg Fitzsimmons Greg Greg Fitzsimmons hurt his back in the warm-up It was like I'm out and we were just hanging on a bar He goes my backs out and then we did we did the workout with Josh Bridges. You can find it online Look at his fucking face. Look at his fucking face Let's see, what did the big boy get yeah

25. Josh Bridges is like, all right, time to put you guys in the fucking grave. He just turns it on. Yeah. Watch this fucking lunatic. 22. Fitz Dog's doing a read. I'm in Escondido. June 7th in Fitz.

Look at him. Look at him. Anyway, dude, that's the thing that's engaging. That's why I'm so excited about the fucking Olympics. Because champions show up wanting to do it. Yeah, Summer Olympics too is different. I don't know. I mean, I respect the Winter Olympics, but Summer Olympics. Winter Olympics seem a little bit like you grew up with money, right? Yeah, and it's also you're just like, I don't know. It feels like you have to...

You kind of do in some of these things go to a certain region in order to even just practice your sport, right? Yeah. You have to have money. Well, I mean, I think every Olympic athlete has to be funded by someone to be able to train. Some of this too feels like so, like, what is this?

Like, what is this, ski jump? Like, the fuck are we doing, man? Like, I know I can't do it. I know it's super hard, but you're like, okay. Yeah, he's flying off of his skis, you know? But it's like you watch track and field, and it just feels, you're like, there's, I mean. Jamaican women are so fucking hot. I mean, 100 meters is like, or a relay, it's like so exciting to watch that. Are you watching The Sprinters on Netflix? No, I haven't watched it yet, no.

They're just incredible. So this is the only thing I'd excel at in the Olympics. Sprinting? If I could sprint. What is, someone is listening downstairs, they're going to have to tell me her name. What is the name of the young lady who has the best photo finishes? I know Shikari Richardson. Have you seen her photo finishes? Her photo finishes. Pull up Shikari Richardson's photo finishes. She has the best fucking smoke photo finishes. Yeah. There's a compilation, I'm sure.

No, no, no go to it go to the compilation go to the video epic finishes by car Yeah, there you go click that look at these photo finishes first of all she fucking hauls ass yeah, she's got wild hair I think that the coach would be like yo cut your hair. You're gonna lose like 10 pounds. No that's like a decent ease

I love it. I love it. That's what I'd be good at. That part? Yeah, even if I came in last, I'd have a great photo finish. Women sprinters have all, like the elite ones, there's always like style. Like remember Flojo? Yes. Jackie Joyner-Kersee. Like they always had, like Flojo had like the crazy nails. Top five Carrie Richardson's finishes. Watch, she just does, it's just game talk. I love it.

This is what I wish Caitlin Clark had a little bit more of. Swag? Just, Caitlin Clark's like a sweetheart. Yeah. But like, there's a little bit of bad bitch I want to see in every female athlete. Yeah. Look at these. Wow. Look at how fucking quick they're going. Yeah, they're so fast.

She didn't look to go out with... Scroll, scroll. I gotta see the ones where she does poses. Jamaican, Sharika Jackson, and Brit, Dina Asher-Smith. Wild hair. Yeah. 100 meter, 7.75. How fast do you think you can do that? I did it on the treadmill today. 100 meters? Mm-hmm. And? Well, first of all, it doesn't go as fast as they go, so I'm not gonna get their speed. You know, Snoop ran a 34-second 200-meter run.

Recently? Yes. Snooper ran 200 meters in 34 seconds. I did not know that. So that's what I was testing. If I could get 34 seconds. So I cranked it up to a nine, which is a pretty quick clip. And I was still at like 30 seconds on 100 meters. I was like 22 seconds on 100 meters. I did nine on the treadmill. I did it today. Nine miles an hour? Nine miles an hour. Okay. Look at, just look at.

What's the most you've cranked it up to? I've gotten it up to 13. And I can keep up with that pace, but Snoop Dogg, who smokes weed every single day. He's like 60. He's 51. Is he? Yeah. He's younger than I am. Are you sure? I'm almost 100% certain. We don't need to see more of these. Maybe you're right. Snoop is my age. He's younger than me. I know he's younger than me because I remember hearing that he was younger than me going, you feel like my dad. Yeah. Everything he says is smart.

And he did 34 seconds, which is I'm gonna go to a track and see if I can beat. I'm also gonna do a slow-mo photo finish. And Kyle, what? He's 52? He's older than me. Thank God. Wait, how old are you? 51. I found that out the other day. I thought you were 52. Yeah. Are you sure? Yeah, he is a year older than me. He'll be 53 when I'm 52. Oh, okay. We're probably the same sign. Here's my question to you. Oh, read his other names.

Snoop Doggy Dog, Snoop Lion, Big Snoop Dog, Dogfather, Snoop Rock, DJ Snoopadelic, Snoopzilla, Fazy Snoop, and another one. I don't know how to pronounce that one. Oh, Sondonachi. I was so hoping you were going to walk into it. I hate when your brain stops you.

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Summer Olympics. Are you going to follow it? Not all of it. I mean... Okay, what are you going to follow? I mean, I do like watching who's the fastest in the world. Sprinting. Track and field is amazing to watch. 100 meters is always... 100 meters, 200 meters, 400 meters are blast. Marathons are snooze. Half marathon, I went to a track and field event when I was in University of Tennessee. Snooze. The sprints are the best.

Yeah, and I won't follow, like, round by round kind of stuff on all of it, but, you know, I'll check out. I want to see Long Jump. Like, who's, like, the finals. Triple Jump's fucking amazing. And Shot Put. Yeah. I'll check that out. But then... Female Shot Put's the best. I don't know. Really? I love those girls. Yeah.

Then basketball. Basketball, but basketball is only interesting if like Serbia or someone's competitive in it. They're going to be competitive. They are. Spain's going to be competitive. Really? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

And there's that thing. I mean, they bring this up every time, but it's true that those teams play together all the time. They know each other. They know how to play together as a unit, which is something that is always different for us. And so as the international basketball has gotten better over the years, that's one of the things is that we throw our team together and they're just going to play together for this. They're not like this is our unit, you know.

This is like a new thing. Who do we have on our team? Oh, my God. It's fucking bananas, dude. Pull up our men's basketball team. It's crazy. Really? Well, it's an all-star team. It's an NBA all-star team. Is LeBron on it? Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. He's on it. Steph Curry's on it? Anthony Edwards is on it. Tatum's on it. Yeah, KD. Kawhi just bowed out, which was, you know...

Okay, I'm going to follow men's basketball. Okay, I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to follow. I'm going to follow a few sleepers. Drew Holiday, Devin Booker. I mean, that's a crazy, crazy roster. And by all accounts, you should look at that and go like, oh, yeah.

They're going to destroy people. But those other people don't realize how good some of those international teams are. It's kind of fun rooting for Serbia or Croatia. Rooting for them? Like going like, okay, I'm going to go against our team. You're going to do that? No, I'm not. I'm going to go for our team because I'm American. Yeah. Yeah, what the fuck are you doing? Okay, what's a sleeper event you want to watch? Let's see the Olympic events. Events? It's going to be, they have surfing this year. This is the first year surfing's in. That's pretty cool. Breakdancing's in.

First year that they're having men's figure swimming or dance swimming. Okay. Artistic swimming is first year they're going to allow men to do it, which is ironic. Okay. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Archery, pass. Artistic gymnastics, pass. Artistic swimming, pass. Athletics? What the fuck is athletics? It's a little broad.

Athletics is one of the oldest sports on record with the name documented from the far back at 776 BC. The ancient Olympics games included events like the pentathlon, which consisted of running, race, long jump, discus throw. Okay. But modern athletics is composed of various running, jumping, throwing, walking. Is this like decathlon? Did they have to change the decathlon because 10 is, counting is racist. Yeah.

Just go to the next one. Okay, yeah, just go back to the list that you had, please.

Badminton. Okay. Basketball. Breaking this. They're break dancing this year. They're doing three-on-three basketball, too. That feels honestly like something they should do in the Special Olympics. But to see that...

Here is insulting. I don't know what that's all about. Beach volleyball. That's always exciting. So I am getting highly invested in women's beach volleyball. It's rad. It's a very easy sport to get into. Yeah, and they're incredible. And they're fucking awesome. Yeah. I've watched it before, beach volleyball. It's really good. All right, go back to the list. Okay, boxing is awesome. Boxing's really great. I don't even know what breaking is. Breakdancing.

I'm going to politely pass. As an Olympic sport? Yeah. Okay. All right. Canoe slalom. Canoe sprint. Cycling BMX freestyle. That's pretty rad. Diving is always cool. Diving is always pretty cool. Equestrian, pass, fencing, pass. I'm fenced. I'm really good at fencing. What do you mean? It's got to be soccer. Okay. They're actually fielding full teams for this? Like...

Like World Cup style? I don't know. FIFA's associated. An association with FIFA. There you go. Ooh, soccer would be fucking fun to watch.

What I'm looking for in life is another treat. You know how like when World Cup shows up and you see all the ethnic people waking up at four in the morning to go to a bar and drink and watch that? Yeah. And then you have your one ethnic friend like you who goes, or my buddy Weecho, who goes, come on, let's go watch that. And then you go to a fucking place where no one speaks English. Yeah. And they're all fucking chanting. Fuck, that's what I'm looking for in life. Yeah, that's exciting. I know what you mean. I might throw, listen, here's the deal. I'm going to make this promise.

If Sarah Hughes and our U.S. team get into the Olympic volleyball finals, I should just throw a fucking viewing party at a bar for everyone to go watch female volleyball. That'd be cool. All right, set that up downstairs. Will you set that up? And we're going to get Gabby to do it, and we're going to live stream it. And we're going to comment. Get my phone. Get my phone. Will you scroll? Will you bring up my phone? Keep scrolling.

Golf pass handball pass hockey hockey field hockey field hockey. Okay, you know Yeah, that's always been in the Olympics. That's cool. I'm rhythmic gymnastics Gymnastics has always been a staple of the Olympics. Yeah, that's always gymnastics is pretty fun to watch Mary Lou retins a bit best my Olympic memory I've ever had in my entire life Skateboarding's in now. Yeah skateboarding sin Wow, and it's a kind of a weird thing. I

Surfing, I'm glad they added swimming. Swimming's incredible. Swimming's awesome. Swimming's the best. Swimming's a staple. I mean, they can do the Olympics with five fucking events. Yeah, what is water polo? Water polo, yeah. Water polo. Weightlifting, I'm down with that. What's... Oh, I'd be into weightlifting. That would be fun to watch. That's fun to watch. All right, I'm going to be into weightlifting. What's sport climbing? Is that new? It's rock climbing. Oh, come on, bro. No, but have you ever seen these dudes do it?

- Have you ever seen them do it? - I mean, I've seen-- - Pull up an Olympic rock climber and do they go up a mountain the way, I don't go to the bathroom as fast as they go up a mountain. They go like this. - Okay, cool, cool. - Best sports climbing Tokyo 2020. - It was at that Olympics? - Yeah, they all have to wear masks. Oh, never mind. Watch this. - Yeah, she had a mask on. Yeah, that's insane. - Six seconds. - Okay.

It's a fucking wild watch. Yeah. She is wearing a mask. Yeah. But for the Olympics? It feels like a... Look at the Asian dudes fly. I mean, it seems like it would be easy to do when they do it. No, I don't think it's easy to do at all. If you've got that tether, doesn't that pull you up? It just feels... You're like, this is a... Bouldering? I can't imagine that many people are going to... That show up to this. Like rock climbing? Yeah.

Bet I bet you just I bet it's hard to get tickets for anything So if you get taste for anything you go, let's just go watch the yeah, we'll do it. Sure. Sure. All right So write me down. I've got oh, let's call Gabby. I'm gonna see if Gabby wants to do well Do you know what do we'll do a guest two bears with Gabby and we'll talk about Probably our fans were like and maybe but just do it on bird cast birds. Yeah, let's see Katherine Blanford

You know, Catherine Blanford? Yeah. She just climbed a mountain the other day. She's a climber? No, she just, it's a hike, but it's a really, I think it was like 14,000 feet or 17,000. It was a big climb. Okay. And she did it with a bunch of girls. And I was like, and I was like, God, man, she's like, you should do this. I was like, hard pass.

Yeah, that'll be fun. I'll event my life. I'll have something to look forward to a party to watch. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I mean how good can the other you got a bit Saudi Arabia's got a pretty good beach volleyball team Sure, cuz all their volleyball is beach volleyball any Middle East team is gonna be awesome Yeah, table tennis has always been Asians fucking smoke. They always rock it man. Did you know? Damn it Gabby facetimer. Oh my god trampoline

Is that... That doesn't fall under gymnastics? Oh, it is, right? This outfit's pretty aggressive. Yeah. I didn't see it until now. Did she send you the voicemail and then you FaceTimed? Yeah. I always answer her FaceTime. I only FaceTime Shaq. Yeah? I only FaceTime him. Does he answer? No. Yeah. He hasn't answered in a while. He hasn't answered me either. So...

Weightlifting, I'm in. Yeah. Sprinting, I'm in. You can't get in. There's too many events. First thing I would do at Olympic Committee is trim off some of these fucking events. All right. What are we getting rid of? It's just too many events, dude. What are we doing here? Surfing is going to be good. Here's staples of the wrestling, weightlifting, water polo, volleyball, triathlon, trampoline. That's part of the gymnastics. That's all in. That's been there. Okay. Here's my problem with tennis. Okay? Yeah. We just watched Wimbledon. They just did what they're going to do again. Yeah. I think they're playing. They might be.

I'm sure they're playing in Paris, but it's like the French Open. Yeah, yeah. They already have these events. They already have big ones. I know. What are we doing? Boxing is cool because it's amateurs. Yes. But you should be doing... Are they doing amateur tennis players? It's the pros. I have no idea. I would strike it too, though. It just feels like we have the best competition year round. It's cool to see basketball because you're getting a lot of people that don't get to play in the NBA play. But like, all right, so get rid of tennis.

Taekwondo has always been in. Table tennis, you got to keep in. Surfing, I'm curious to see in the Olympics because we haven't had it. And they're doing it at this place. I'm going to say it wrong. It's called Chiapoo. I'm sure that's a hate crime. Chiapoo? Chiapoo. Maybe. Chiapoo. Okay, that might be closer. It's a Tahitian word for big fucking wave.

Is it off the coast of France? It's in Tahiti. They're going to Tahiti for it. And it's the fucking most aggressive wave. Wait, they don't have to keep it in the country? Well, they can't do it in France because they're like, what are we going to do? Yeah, that's in Portugal. Okay. Okay, so trampoline. No offense. I'm going to pull that. Sport climbing, I'm definitely striking. Skateboarding, again, I want to see. Shooting? Yeah. Shooting. Let's do that. Sailing? I mean...

It's impressive. It is. Have you ever been on a sailboat? It's what? I won the Florida State Regatta. Okay. I'm a qualified sailor. Oh, stop. I am a legit sailor. You're licensed? You're not licensed. I'm not licensed. But like, if push comes to shove, I sail. If push comes to shove, I sail. I sail. I sail.

I sail. You know what to do. Yeah, you get the wind in your... Sails? Yeah, in your sails. Yeah, yeah, everyone knows that part. And you fucking fly. Okay, good. So... You're just unreal. I was thinking about sailing Hawaii on my break. What's rugby sevens? It's got to be seven on seven. As opposed to like... Co-ed? No. Where are all the trans athletes in the Olympics? What are you talking about? Gabby Reese. Okay. Gabby Reese.

What's up, Bert? Hey, we're doing Two Bears, One Cave. Can you be on the podcast for a second? Yeah, sure. Can you hear me, though? I hear you perfectly. Here's Tom. Hi, Gabby. How are you? I love you, Tom. Love you, too. Hey, Gabby. Great. We're both in really great shape, if that's what you're asking. Can I show her? Yeah. Yeah, whoa, look at that. Whoa. Yeah, I know. You got your rocks, Tom. Yeah. Let's go. I should put glasses on. Damn. Hey, Gabby, are you watching beach volleyball for the Olympics? Yeah.

Yeah, I'll watch it. Okay, so here's what I'm going to do. I'm rooting for Team USA, Sarah Hughes and her partner. Huge surprise. He's rooting for the Americans. I know. It's such a surprise. I thought you'd be, you know, like for Lithuania or something. Can I ask you about beach volleyball? Are the Middle Eastern teams better because they always practice in sand? You mean Eastern European? No, no, no. Like Middle East. Like Iraq, Iran, Hawaii.

Yeah, no. Okay. You should probably wear a bathing suit. You know what I mean? Oh, oh. We're going to smoke.

We're going to smoke everyone. We have, yeah. Well, no, I mean, there's a lot of very good, I mean, Brazil is always incredibly athletic. I mean, come on, go Brazil, you know? I mean, their whole entire, they play soccer on sand. I mean, come on. I broke a rib doing that one time. I swear to God. I swear to God, I broke a rib in Miami trying to do that. It's so hard. Okay, what else? So how has our U.S. team looked this year? We look good?

Yeah, we look good. Okay, so I'm going to plan a viewing event at a bar, and I was going to do a live stream podcast and talk about that volleyball, and I would love for you to do it with me. Would you be interested? Yeah.

Um, what do you know when you're doing it? I don't know what it's just have somebody reach out so we can float dates Okay, and and then we'll do it like I don't it'll be a weird hour So we'll get a bar that'll be open at a weird hour and my fans come down and we'll do like And we'll commentate on it and then you know what you're talking about and then i'll be like your sidekick

You'll do color is what you're saying. I'll do color. Can I ask you something? Yeah, of course. So, uh, Gabby, hi. Um, do you think it's like a super aggressive move to just FaceTime people? Like without like, Hey, you available for a FaceTime? Like the way he does it? Well, I, you can always decline. Bert knows he can just call me. I, cause I've done that to him. You just, you just, you look through your phone. You're like, I'm going to FaceTime this person. I usually will FaceTime audio people. Right. Um, I,

I seem to have FaceTimed Bert when you got hurt and when he's gotten hurt. Uh-huh. When you were supposed to actually come to my house instead of play basketball. That's true. And you broke your bones. That's true. I did FaceTime him. Hmm. How'd that go? It was good. Good. Okay. All right. Just wanted to get your take on that. You know what people can do, Tom? What's that? They decline it.

Yeah, no, I know. Most people, when I've been around him, just don't answer. But I'm like, it's an aggressive move. The move is like you check with someone via text first about a FaceTime, unless you're very close. You know what? I agree with that, except I think sometimes a spontaneous FaceTime is sort of interesting. That's true. It's fun.

It's fun. It's not, it's like, it wasn't like 1am or 6am. It was, you know, where are we at? I just finished a call at 12 o'clock noon. I mean, pretty safe time. Okay. So time contingent. All right. Just wanted to check. Thanks Gabby. Hey, uh, all right. I'm going to reach out and we're going to do a, we're going to do a viewing of that for, of, of, of one of the women's volleyball tournaments. All right. I hope you guys have a wonderful, where are you Austin? No, no, we're in LA. Oh, great. Okay. Where are you?

I'm in Malibu. Oh, nice. Okay. Well, thank you. I'm also going to, we got to get Leanne in the pool. Whatever you want. She's never swam before. Oh my God. All right, Gabby. Thank you. Aloha. Bye. Bye. Bye. She's fucking awesome. She's a champion. Yeah, she is. Her husband's a champion. Yeah. They have champion children. I mean that, if they were like, yeah, we don't care about our kids. They're like, let me get one. Let me just, can I raise one? Just see what happens. Soft pitch. Yeah. Soft pitch. Yeah. We give Ellis to them.

- He's got the champion mentality. - He'd be so different. - He's got the champion mentality. - He'd come back and be like, "I just don't wanna live here with you guys anymore." - Dude, you give him to Laird Hamilton for one week, just one week, make it a long week, eight days.

- Do you think part of why he has this mentality and he's so successful and driven as an athlete is that he was probably called Lard as a kid? - Oh, I thought you were talking about your son. - No. - I was like, he's a champion.

No, I'll tell you why. I mean, this is, I apologize, Laird, if I'm overstepping my boundaries. He was a blonde-haired, blue-eyed kid in Hawaii in the 70s. Yeah. And that was an uphill battle. Yeah, and they were like, yeah, yeah. He grew up there and grew up going out to Pipeline with all those dudes like Derek Ho and all those guys. I think I'm saying the right names. But they grew up there. And there was like, I think he has probably been in more fistfights than

Then blowjob then I've gotten blowjobs. I don't know if that's easy ten. Hey, how many chicks have sucked your dick? Do you think? It's a good question like over 20, I don't know I don't I don't think so No, I mean well hold on I can count my first one. I was 18 at Florida State second one I was 23 at Florida State and

I can almost count all my blowjobs. - You know what's crazy is to think about that, about the ones who wouldn't, who didn't blow you. - Butt fucked you? - Yeah. Those are like, you're like. - I would suck someone's dick way before I let them come inside me. - Some people though think that that's way more intimate, which is interesting. 'Cause it's in your mouth, you know? - Yeah, but you put a lot of things in your mouth. I don't put a lot of things in my ass.

I'm pretty specific about it. I didn't know we were talking about anal. Do you have that anal? No. Okay. No. Oh, given it? Yeah. No, no, no. But we're working towards it. That's nice. It's come up in conversation. Yeah. I don't think it's ever going to happen. I think it's like a little, it's a carrot I get every now and then. But she's really not going to be happy with this conversation because it's streaming downstairs. Sure. Yeah.

Blow jobs. Clean out first, though. Blow jobs. Everyone think about it right now. Think about your number of blow jobs. There's people that are definitely lost count. Really? For sure. There's people listening who are like, I have no idea. So you think you've had sex with more people than have sucked your dick? Hold on. More people have sucked my dick than have I've fucked. Really? Easily. By far. Well, I'm just going through like... Wait, by two. Oh, my God. Yeah, I've only... There's only been... I've only gotten two more blow jobs than I have had sex. Let me tell you their names.

We don't need their names. That's good. Pull them up on Instagram. One girl. No, no, no. One girl. Okay. Don't. Okay. No, I think. That's what locked me down with Leanne. Blowjobs? Oh. Yeah. I was like, wow. Yeah. I think I'm the opposite. More sex than blowjobs. Yeah. No, my first blowjob was in freshman year. That's cool. College. I remember thinking she was doing it wrong.

Why, because she kept biting it? No, she was sucking it. And I was like, I think you're supposed to be blowing it. And then I was like, never mind. I like your way better. I remember I was in a loft bed in Florida State, and her head was hitting the ceiling panels. And I guess how close we were to the ceiling. And I remember thinking I was going to get asbestos from her. I was like, that's okay. Asbestos is worth it. You remember the first time you pushed down, and she was like, hey, what the fuck? And you're like, shut up. Nope. My hands are up here like I'm getting robbed.

And then, like, lately you hear, because it's sleep apnea, and Leanna will be like, are you sleeping? Wow, you pass out like that. No, no, it's just I have a hard time breathing on my back. How do you sleep? On my side. That's how you sleep? Yeah. Do you wear a CPAP? No. Didn't you try it? I tried it. It's stupid. Why is it stupid? Because it's like modern dentistry. It's just, it's a fucking hoax. Interesting. Do you sleep with, like, a bunch of pillows to sleep on your side?

Like a harem. Yeah, I have a lot of pillows. I put a wall between us. Yeah. I put pillows. I have pillows in my tour bus. I have, I think, nine pillows, and they're all around me, just like friends. If you lay flat on your back, you'll close up? No, I can lay flat on my back, but if I do, I can't lay flat on my back. I have to be tilted. Yeah.

But like sometimes when I nap in the middle of the afternoon, I can lay down on my back, hands like this, and I can get a solid like 30 minute nap. And then my sleep apnea wakes me up and I'm like, perfect. Yeah. I'm sleeping so fucking good right now. Good. I am sleeping so fucking good. I'm taking a sleeping pill. It's fucking amazing. What is it? I'll tell you later. It's not what you, it's not what most people use. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

It's great. For real? I've been hitting weed every night. I've done that. The problem is sometimes I just will drag too much the next morning. I don't like that. But this thing is like fantastic. I was dragging this morning a little bit. It shuts off ruminating thoughts. You've got to tell me what it is. I'm sure I will. They should be a sponsor.

I don't think they're into that. By the way, those blue chews are fucking dangerous. Yeah. Especially if you eat one at like noon, and then you're just all day, you're like raring to go. Yeah, pretty cool. It's a cool sponsor. It's pretty cool, and it's a great transition into the Olympics. We're really excited about Team USA's potential to rack up some gold. Weightlifting. I'm going to be really heavy weightlifting, track and field.

I'm going to watch surfing, but women's volleyball. Jesus. Anyway, hang on. You know what we have to talk about that we haven't talked about? What? Our bear. Oh, yeah, our bear. Our two-headed bear for Poro. So thank you, first of all, so many of you weighed in on the bracket about naming this thing. It went through different rounds. And the final four were Winston Porkchop

Bear, Tholomew, and Bjorn. Where did Bjorn come from? I don't know. But those were the final four. The final two ended up being Winston and Bear Tholomew. And because we said you guys name it, you guys did name it. I'm really happy with this name. It's pretty exciting. I'm so fucking pumped about this name. Yeah, 63% of you. Ladies and gentlemen, our bear is named

Winston fucking love it. I fucking love it. I fucking love it. It's really cool I like it too, and it's a fucking coolest looking bear logo in the world yeah, I love it and by the way, and this is a subtle plug we are in all Costco's in Southern California and 19 different stores Yeah, we it's so cool going to Costco and seeing our vodka. I know it's so cool, and you know I'm aggressive yeah, I think there's a dude grabbing a bottle of Tito's and I want can I change your mind I

And he went, excuse me? I said, same price point. All I'm saying is this one's a little cleaner. And he goes, well, I've never heard of it. And I said, it's mine. And he didn't know who I was. I said, I'll tell you what. I actually, at the counter, there was a dude with a handle of Tito's. And I switched it for him.

I said, there you go, buddy. And then he goes, but I want my Tito's. And I said, this is better for you. He goes, I'm going to stick with my Tito's. I said, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'm going to buy this bottle for you. I'm going to give it to you. And I want you to enjoy my vodka. And I bought him a bottle of vodka, put it in his fucking thing. That's cool. I bought three handles. I've been seeing it. We're in ABC Liquors in Florida. That's super exciting. We're going. We're going to Orlando. Yeah. We're going to be at a signing in Orlando August 5th and 6th. No, 3rd. August 3rd. And then we are also in Total Wines.

- And there are more and more restaurants, bars. I tell you, I went to a restaurant and I was like, oh, let me get a glass of wine or something. And the server was like, you don't want your own vodka? And I was like, what? He showed me the drink menu. I was like, holy shit. So seeing it more and more do that, it's very exciting. - It's wild. - Yeah. - It's wild. - I was like, yeah, fuck wine, let me get some. - I went into, can I tell you what I did? I went to dinner last night and I made myself a double O sauce and soda in a Styrofoam cup and I brought it in.

I brought it in. He goes, well, what do you have there? I said, it's just a liquid IV. And he was like, oh, okay, cool. It's like sugar-free. It's my favorite flavor. He's like, oh, great. Okay, cool. And then I drank my vodka at dinner. That's awesome. Yeah. We got to run. Awesome. Thank you guys for watching and listening. And don't forget to say hi to Winston if you see him. And just to reiterate, we will be, I'm sorry, we got the date wrong. It's August 13th, not August 3rd, August 13th.

from 3 to 5 p.m. at the ABC Fine Wine and Spirits in Orlando, Florida. It's located at 4110 Winter Garden Vineland Road in Winter Garden, Florida. Bert and I will both be there, and we're very excited. Do you know what we can do there? What? Parks Bonifay, hit us up. Let's go wakeboarding. Okay, let's go wakeboarding. Parks Bonifay. Parks Bonifay. I'm going to text you. Anyone hit him up. We have Parks out there. He'll have a cocktail with us. I don't know if he still drinks, but hey. Yeah.

I haven't done a solo one with you in a while. I had a lot of fun. Thank you. It's fun, man. I love you. I love you too. All right. See you guys. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.