78: Very Strange and Beautifully Weird with Nikki Glaser 01:22:19

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This is a wild, fun one. For those who've listened to our show a lot, you will see that this one feels different. We only do one call. For those who are new, who came from a clip or came from because of Nikki, we get it. Well, the truth is, basically, so Nikki Glaser is our guest today, who I've known for, we had actually had shows on MTV at the exact same time in the exact same studio.

So I met her, I think like 10 or 11 years ago. So we wanted her on to promote her special, Someday You'll Die. Someday You'll Die, which is on HBO, which is already out. It just came out on Saturday. It just came out a couple days ago. So yeah, so we were very excited. And then she was coming in today already, but then there was the Tom Brady roast on Netflix over the weekend that was live. Yeah.

And, you know, we talk about it, but she just absolutely murdered. I texted you because last night before I went to bed, I was like, you know, I've been a fan of Nikki forever. But I was like, I'm going to watch it. Yeah. And I thought I was really just going to fast forward to hers. Uh-huh. And then as it starts going, it was a wild show. Yeah. Seeing Tom Brady that way, seeing all the players. Kevin Hart so good up front. Yeah, he just did a great job. I was just in it.

Then she murdered in a way that was spectacular. Well, it's also great to watch her do it with the context of the time of the show. Yes. Because she really does. If you haven't seen it, definitely check it out because it's,

she just murders and i mean we talk about that but anyway so we had her in but we were just so excited to talk to her yeah i just got i will say i geeked out more than you geeked out because we were starting to do it right we were sitting down we were kevin was ready kevin had two calls readied mostly i am making eye contact with kevin so we're doing hand signals about timing i will say not seeing you made it easier for me to go and i will say i was seeing you and i was going i don't think he's ready to lose i i

- You think he's like save this for after? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - But we just talked about the timing of what's going on with her and the roast.

And then we just got to talking. We did one call. Fascinating lady. We lost the other call because we talked so goddamn much. But the call's great, too. Call's great. She's great. And then we just talked forever after because she truly is just such a lovely person to talk to. And fascinating stories. A great guest. A great guest. So everybody follow Nikki Glaser. Yep. Watch her special now. Yep. Check out the roast. Yep. And enjoy the show. I mean, she's done a ton of shit, so...

If you don't know Nikki, you will soon. Yes, and you will. She's having a real moment. She really is. She's on fire. And it was great to have her in. Kim Kardashian's DMing her while she's... Listen, there's a lot about to come your way. So, as we say, without further ado...

Hello. Hi, welcome to the show. We're here to help. Hello, thank you so much. Yeah, we're all pretty excited. Listen, I'm going to find out who you are, where you're from, and what your age is in a second. But before we do, we just had a great chat with our guest helper. Did you by chance watch the Tom Brady roast this weekend on Netflix? I did not, but I heard about it. You heard about it. Well, you probably heard about the MVP of the roast. Mm-hmm.

who joins us now, known for many things, but why don't we just start off by celebrating her MVP award for the roast of Tom Brady. Guest helper Nikki Glaser is here joining us in the studio. Thank you. Okay. I also, which I am. Oh my goodness, what a treat. Yeah, that's right. Oh, thank you. I will also say I have a special out on HBO on Saturday, May 11th called Someday You'll Die. And that's just a coincidence that the roast happened this,

very same week. We will promote that in our intro. No, that's great. I trusted you guys too, but I'm just getting it in there. How about your time in Young Lions? I mean, really? Coincidental, but insane. And by the way, HBO was a little annoyed at first that they found out I was doing the roast. And I go, just wait and see. You're an HBO person, Nikki. It's crazy. Don't go get your name out there on another network that'll help us. Exactly. How dare you? Okay, can we get your name and where you're calling from your age and then we'll get into your problem.

Yes. So my name today is going to be Sam. Sam. Hello. And I'm 32. And I am going to be from Portland. A lot of lies, but we welcome lies on a show like this. All right, Sam, what's going on? What can we help you with? Okay. So I have a great chiropractor that I love to go to. But the thing is, when you go to the clinic,

they start the adjustment off with like a five minute massage from a massage therapist, right? So I have, I'm excited about that five minutes. Not the cracker. Sam, before you even got into anything, Jake heard five minute massage and that doesn't count because I'm going to a chiropractor. Okay. I'm not even sure what that means, but it's dark. Uh, okay. So you get the five minute massage, some people are super jazzed about it.

Okay. There are happy ending chiropractors. Oh, man. That's next level, dude. They just crack your dick until it finishes. You need, you get it.

That is next level. Okay, Sam. So keep going. Oh my goodness. Okay. So that massage therapist also offers hour long massages, right? You can book a private massage with her. So I did that and it turned out to be just the wildest experience because she's a pure lunatic and it has just really

really spiraled into a really weird situation. Sam, Sam, you're fast forwarding. Give us your fast forward at the wrong time of the movie. Yeah. You book an hour. Yep. You said it was the weirdest hour of your life because she's a lunatic. Could you walk us through what happened in that hour?

Yes. So, well, first of all, she plays like, I can't remember what it's called, but you know, like satellite radio. So there's commercials during the music as well. No. Oh, wow. She's not paying. She's getting the free Pandora. She's like, sorry about that. You have to hear a ZipRecruiter ad. It's actually, they're a great company. I know.

I've heard. They're really helpful if you're looking for, if you need employees. Yeah, if you need a job. They'll have so many to you by the end of the day, I think. It's like very quick. Look, let's be honest. It's crazy how good they are at what they do. Yeah. So she's playing the satellite. What else?

Okay, so then, I mean, and the music itself is not relaxing. It's like, you know, just loud, like... Like what? A mixture of, like, love songs, or else it's, like, some just upbeat, like, a lot of instruments. Just a podcast. Yeah. Okay, so the music's incongruent with the setting. Yes, and then beyond that, too, like, well, first of all, I'm pretty sure she's a bit of a peeker, too. Pfft.

I don't know what that is. Yeah, you do. Meaning? A massage therapist who's a bit of a peeker. What's your guess? She's looking under the towel. She wants to know what's happening backstage. She's saying, could you lean forward a little bit? And then she's going like this. Oh, my God. Now, you really think that she's trying to take a peek? Oh, I've been called worse. Jesus. You're not even supposed to be in that room. I'm loving everything about this.

Is that the guy from Peeker? Yeah, just peeking. Hey, Sam, can you walk us through what you mean by a peeker? Yeah, you're exactly right, Jake. So I'm pretty sure she's, yeah, when you're turning over, she's looking, she's not turning away. Also, there's been a couple of situations where the sheet has just been not fully covering me and I'll try to like move it and then it moves. She pushes it away. Very funny.

She's initiating something here, Sam. Oh, I hate this woman. Did you get a bad vibe from her during the five minute? Obviously, you did it. Was there any indication that this was going to be... Oh, God, I hate women. That's a good setup. She gives you the five, and you're like, oh, this is comfortable. And she's peeking, she's moving. I hate this for you. I'm so sorry. I'm having an opposite reaction so far. You really hate this? Yeah, because it's...

Massage? Peeking. I stopped doing, getting full body massages because I just find it, even when it's, there's no peaking going on, I find it too intimate. There's someone like touching your body too much and then afterwards they're like, get out and they're like, get changed and they like, get you water. Like, that's the nicest thing they do but they're not even like, they're, Where do you get your massages? Even, even at, Get out of here! It,

Take your water. Hydrate. Usually like Thai places. But also like even nice spots, I just feel like you just have this moment. Like it doesn't feel sexual, but it's an intimate moment. And then you're just thrust out into the harsh school world. There should be cigarettes. Pillow talk. Yeah. I only do foot massages because I don't want to be fully nude. I just want to be able to get out of there quick. I do foot massages fully nude. I insist upon it. I really do. Sam.

When you're talking about satellite music, satellite radio, a couple of zip recruiters, we got a peeker here. Unzip recruiter. Are you feeling unsafe or are you feeling, you're a fucking creepo? Where are you at right now? Well, there's more that she does. But so far, I'm like, I'm so far, I'm just like, this is hilariously strange and beautifully weird. Hilarious, beautiful keywords. Jake.

She'll also do weird stuff like she'll talk about something and then she'll pull out her phone. She'll stop massaging, pull out her phone and show me something on her phone. This is worse than a dick. Yeah. I'd rather be penetrated. I'd rather a thumb in my ass than have to look at some fucking video you saw of me.

Instead of showing me this cloth and a tree, will you just put a finger in me? And so she pulls out a phone mid-massage. Starts showing. Then what happens? Yeah. And sometimes what she's showing me is like other clients that she's judging that come in. No. Whoa. Yeah. And she's like, look at her. This is her. I'm starting to like this person. And she's like, well, yeah.

What is she saying about these people? Like, took a home anything on their bodies? Or like, look how fat she is? Like, what is she saying about these people? Like, she's talking about how flirty they are with the chiropractor. How embarrassed they should be. Oh, gotcha. Best body shame, more. Got it. Weird. Now, are you getting garbage? Can we get a name for this massage therapist just so we have something to call her?

Yes. Let's call her Georgia. Her real name is perfect for the lunatic that she is, but let's call her Georgia. So we got Georgia. So are you getting vibes from Georgia that she's thinking there might be an extra fee that you're going to give her at the end of this when Georgia goes to work? The peach fee? Like, is there, is she leading you towards saying like a world where you pay for the hour with Georgia, then you give a tip of $50 in Georgia, Georgia,

finishes what she started? Well, I don't think so because she has asked me multiple times, like, are you seeing somebody yet or are you married? And then she talks about her marriage and it's all very chaotic, of course, as you can imagine. I have the number one advice. What? Block. Cut off this woman immediately. Yeah.

Okay, so... Never, ever respond to a text message from her again. Block her. Don't go back to that chiropractic place if you're scared to see her again. Find another one. You might have trouble. The chiropractor is so good. Okay, so hold on. Call the chiropractor and say, can I come in when that woman's not there? Hold on. We're getting there, Nikki. Oh, God. Sorry, sorry. We're jumping to the dessert. I'm so sorry. I'm still in the hour-long appetizer. Yeah. We're still peaking. So, Georgia, I'm peaking for sure. Turn over. Turn over. Up.

We got to go back to the front. You want to turn it back over? Let me just grab that white sheet and rip it off. So Georgia, just so we're clear, she's peeking. She's judgy. She shows you the phone. There's a lot bad about Georgia. You do not feel like you're going to be assaulted, but you surely don't like her.

Is this correct? Mm-hmm. Where are we at? Take over. Walk us through. Maybe get us out of this massage room and into the problem. They're texting. She's texting her later on about, how's your relationship? My marriage is shit. Like, that sounds like this woman is just like, let's keep being friends. Is she texting you? Is that true? Sorry. No. It's at the table. No, she's not texting me. She...

This is at the table. This is while you're naked. Sorry, sorry. Okay, okay. This is while she's peaking. Everything's crazy. Oh my God. Why are they talking? Shut the fuck up. Even if it seems like I want to talk, I promise you I don't and I'm just being nice. Absolutely. Just please stop talking. One word answer. Every single time. Fake asleep. Oh God. Okay, so it's at the table. You're getting a lot of info. Georgia doesn't understand social cues. Georgia's a wild card. So now what's happening? It's a lot. She's wild. Well,

Her massage itself is also, you guys are going to be like, why are you going? Her massage itself is also extremely violent. That's a wild term for a massage.

Boy, what doesn't she offer? Right. Well, it's more of like a sports therapy place. Where'd you get the massage? In the alley behind the Arby's. Oh, yeah. Sports therapy. So it's pretty rough. Oh, so she's pushing deep. Yeah. It's a chiropractor's office. It's, yeah, it's more sports therapy. So it's not a relaxing massage. It's more, yeah, deep tissue. Fuck, man. So the massage is done and then she immediately is like, when are you coming in next? And then I feel...

This isn't the dentist. Yeah, pushing for the second date. No, you don't do that. This isn't the dentist. You don't schedule the next visit. Every time I decline a massage, she like looks at me in this way as if she's putting a curse on me, I swear. And it's just so...

weird and scary. And then when I come in the next time and she kind of looks me up and down and she's mad at me that I didn't come back. You know, she's pulling up your picture for her clients. Absolutely. You are the whole story going on about you. You know, who's particular. Oh my God. Okay. So you go back for chiropractic care and you there's awkwardness.

Yeah, because she's the five minute massage before the adjustment. Right. And I've made up plenty of excuses like I'm busy. I'm busy with work. I can't schedule an hour massage. But she just keeps asking every time I go back. So my question is, how do I get rid of her but still see my chiropractor who's awesome and super professional, very sweet and does a really good job?

Wow. That is a great problem. I think this woman's behavior is so egregious that it is it does warrant protecting other people from this madness. So it warrants you calling your chiropractor, writing her an email and saying, I want to say you're the woman who does the massage. I went to her privately. She made me very uncomfortable. She talked about other clients, your other clients.

I don't think that she I want to continue seeing her but you but I would like to come in when she's not there so don't say like fire her but like I only want to be there when she's not there can you let me know it's totally fine if she's not I can find someone else but that's how I feel about her I feel like that's she can I need to know on your pitch yeah please legally you're allowed to thank you yep

Have a peek. Just after the whole massage set up, I'm now in a danger zone that I put myself in the camp of a terrible- Pro peaker? Yes, a pro peaker. So now I'm coming out very gently now. Okay, so you have a mea culpa. Nick, I'm not looking at your idea. I'm asking if I could pitch on it. Jake, I've never seen this side of you, this apologist. This one turned. This one turned. So I like what Nicky's saying on this, but here's what I would be worried for you.

This woman's an animal. Yeah. This woman's a psychopath. I don't like inviting an animal to my backyard. Yep. I'm not one of those people that goes like, anyhow, my name is Jake. This is where I live. That person sucks. You're an animal. Bye. Have a good Wednesday. So what I would do is anonymous Yelp reviews. That's good. From multiple accounts. That's very specific. Wow.

That's good. Nikki, jump in. What'd you have? I love it. You're not lying. You're being anonymous. So it's not like you're like, don't say like, I'm David. Like, try not to lie in this. I feel like we- Specific. The satellite is weird. The massage is violent. She's showing me fear. She's peeking. Somebody else- It's the perfect launch and anonymous complaint. And then somebody else comments and go-

Oh, my God. I believe she peaked, too. She also showed me other women. I feel pressure to go in there. So then the chiropractor has to go like, Georgia, what's up here, babe? Yeah. What are you doing? And she'll go, I don't do that. There's 11 complaints. Yes. And then what you really hope for, Sam, is other people go, I've been holding this. I guarantee you're not alone. It's very difficult because.

You obviously want to get the chiropractic care. How do you avoid it? A few pitches on how to avoid it without going directly at it. Okay.

First of all, I would say you have to say to the chiropractor, you no longer want the warm-up massage. I don't think you need to have that. But is this woman lingering around then, being in the corner with her arms crossed? I would do it with a phone call. But you still got to go. Picture a gargoyle in the corner of your room, hovering, shouting.

That's what she is. Sam, I don't think there's a way to keep doing this without having to deal with her. Because if you skip the five-minute massage, you have to walk past her, and she's just going to stare curses at you. But I have a part B on this. Arrange that you're not getting the massage, and when you go in, go in on crutches.

Just go in on crutches. Okay. Just make it seem like there's something different with you. You can't be touched in that way. It might just make her be like, that's weird. So just go in. It kind of murkies the waters a little bit. It really does. It's going to make the adjustment a little awkward. Well, I think that... So you're telling me your ankle is broken? Yeah.

No, don't touch them. What's with the crutches? For no reason. You just say you sprayed your ankle. You're just being extra safe. I'm not saying it's gold. Okay, I got you. I'm not, listen, I feel- You're not even saying it's bronze. I'm not even, I don't even think I said it. You don't even say it's worth anything.

Another thing I would do is, Nikki said this before, is she there every day? Could you schedule it around when she's not there? Is that at all possible? That is the best logistical way to do it. Oh, that's interesting. To just call and be like, is there a day she doesn't work? You could do a voice. Hold on. Hello, I'm Matilda.

That's really, I wouldn't lean in the voice, but that's really interesting to call in and say, is there any day you have a different massage therapist? If they say why, say no reason. Yep. No reason. So you're just planting the seed or you email the chiropractor. Yes. And just say, hi, really love and come in. Don't want to stop. Question. Is there any other massage therapist you use? If they say no, not at this time, then go. Great. Thanks.

You're just putting a seed in that garden to go, you got something weird cooking here, my man. Look around. Well, here's the three quick points that I'm concerned about. First of all, I love my chiropractor, so I don't want to change him. Two, I'm afraid of saying anything to him because they are a very small business. I don't know how close they are with each other. What if he goes up to her and is like, hey, this person complained about you. You know what I mean? And then she finds my address.

And then also like the reviews, I don't want to stop their point. I don't, I don't want to like, I don't want to jeopardize their business reviews by giving us a bad review on the website because I really believe in their, in their business. Cause they are great. She's just the, she's the oil spot in the water. You're putting, you're putting yourself in a corner here and we're trying to help you win.

So to make omelets, you got to crack some eggs. Yeah. Yeah. There's something that's got to give. You are not the one who did anything wrong. Georgia's a fucking weirdo, dude. She's peeking at your private parts. She's talking the whole time. She's beating the fuck out of you. She's talking shit on other clients. Yeah. Her behavior is out of line. You don't want anyone else to experience what you went through with her. So a Yelp review where you say,

Love in caps, the chiropractor. We'll keep going back. Dr. Blank is a 10 out of 10. Just wish the massage therapist didn't A, beat the living hell out of me. B, peek at me while turning over the sheets. Three, play this weird satellite music. And four, and worse,

Show photos and gossip about other people's behavior. That's good. It's an unsafe environment. I don't like it, but I love, love, love the business. And if nothing happens with it, I'll keep going back to him. And that's how much I love him. I will grin and bear through the weird peaking. How about this? Wild pitch. You have someone who doesn't live in your town

come to town for a chiropractic care visit. Yours are too... There's too much work. Nikki, Nikki, welcome to the show. Nikki, Nikki. I have a feeling that this is what it is. Nikki, in order to get... But yours are filled with lies and like... But Nikki, this isn't what we wanted to be. I'm sorry, are you going on Team Peek? Is that where you want to... Oh, I'm on Team Peek all day. I don't actually mind the peeking because I would maybe peek too if I was a therapist. Your eyes can't help what you see. That's part of it. Jake, Jake, Jake. You cook marinara sauce all day, you never try it?

I don't know what that means, but it's terrifying. A chef. Yes. You make pastries? You do bagels and donuts all day? You don't lick your fingers? It's all about options. Jesus Christ. It's all about options. Someone licking their finger after they massage you is one of the grossest things I could ever imagine, but I bet it happens a lot. Which leads me to having a friend come in from out of town.

This is too much. Hold on. Unless it's you. But you have someone from like, whatever. You have someone from Milwaukee coming to town for a week. You go, hey, here's a weird ask. They go in there. They have the experience. During the experience, they lose their mind. They walk out. They go to the front desk. They go, this person is fucking out of their mind. This person has nothing to lose in town. Jesus Christ, you might have hit it. I was teasing you. Sam, do you have anybody in your life who's funny, who's weird, who's willing to do a weird thing and willing to because...

If it happens and right afterwards, the person goes, hey, doc, walks right in after awful. Do you know what that massage? Well, here's the problem. How about this for a fucking turn? Georgia's perfect that day. Oh, no. Well, and then it's you. Then the person goes, then, you know, get the fuck away.

It's validating that there's a person, Sam, that you could pull into this. Is that a reality you might do? Yes. I have plenty of options. Yes. So present this to someone and someone who goes, I would love to do that. Because there are people that would love to help you out. And if you do say, I mean, you are kind of falling on a sword a little bit to just be like, look, this person is fucking crazy. You know, you could not be in this business. You could say to them, go do the hour long, go do the thing. If they're terrible with these things, tell the chiropractor. If not, tell me to.

Because if not, fuck, you're in a weird relationship. Either way, you get a little more insight, but that could blow the case open. Then you know it's your fault. Yeah, that you did this. You prompted the peaking. What were you not wearing? Yeah, honestly. How dare you? But Sam, do you think you're going to actually do that? So here's our kind of advice. We'll give it to you all where it's confront her head on, make an anonymous yelp, don't go back, call and ask when she's not going to be there, or...

Bring in a fun family member or friend or ringer to go through it. If it goes sideways, they go directly to the chiropractor immediately after. In reality, will you find somebody in your life to do this?

Yes, I can do that. I think between going in or having somebody else write the review, I think I would still do that. No, Sam, it's not writing the review. If they go in, they're doing it in person. Okay. They get the massage. Or they can call up right after. Right after. But it's them doing it. So that if you can't find somebody, then you do the Yelp review. Is that what you're going to do?

Okay. Yeah. I think that's a good, like plan a and plan B. Let's do this. If plan a falls apart and you can't find somebody,

call back in and we're going to give follow-up and we'll help figure out this Yelp review. I'll fly out. If you can't, if you can find a person and you want to call back in, we'll follow up and we'll discuss how to do it, but we're invested in this story. So let's see how this one ends. The sad version is I fly out there and I'm trying to get peeked at. She's pulling my towel down a little bit. So Sam follow up with us on this one. We want to hear the end of it. Okay.

Sounds great. Thank you so much for your help. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Booking.com. Booking. Yeah. So people are traveling a lot during the summer. And if you're looking for a place to stay, go to Booking.com. Stylish hotels, family-friendly resorts. I told you yesterday, Jake, I was driving back on a brutal trip.

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Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. Happy belated Mother's Day to all the moms that listen to the pod. Because the guys asked so many questions about the roast, we unfortunately lost our second call. However, you can enjoy this extended chat with Nikki followed by a follow-up.

Enjoy. You killed that roast. Oh, can't wait to talk about it. Thank you. That's so nice. You must be such a level. And I know, you know, cause you're a pro. I didn't know other people. I will say, I didn't know other people would notice. Like everyone's like you worked. You can tell the hard work. It, it, it, it worked. Oh, I,

It was great. I had, when you were walking out. As usual, but this one seemed like. Well, it was also, I don't think you're ever going to have a scarier room you have to walk out on. No. How is that? Highest risk level of all time. An arena. But it was the biggest reward. I mean, I was thinking about it. There is literally nothing. I'll never get this much attention the rest of my life unless I die tragically. That's the only way my face will be everywhere. As a comedian, or Will Smith.

Punches me. This is the only time a comedian will be talked about on this scale. If he was there, you could have had both in one night if he had been there. You're right. I think you were right. Because it was live, because it was Tom Brady, because it was Netflix, it was like, even if you don't want, when they used to do them on Comedy Central, you only watched those if you liked roasts. This was more,

If you don't watch it and check it out, you're missing something that they're trying to do. It was like the MASH finale. Yes, it was like... Levels of like... I've never... It's like the Super Bowl in terms of like everyone's kind of talking about the next day. Well, that is kind of... But you also... It was like the Super Bowl that you won. I know. It's crazy. I've never felt this. I've never thought I would feel this way. There's no competitive thing like this in comedy. You don't get in thinking like, I just want to someday win the live Tom Brady roast on Netflix. That's not

thing. You want to know why it happened actually? Because of all those jocks. Because for them, there's a winner. Competitive. Yes, absolutely. You beat Brady. You killed Brady. Yeah. Well, he did really well. I mean, he did. He Brady did in terms of like, but you worked hard and did his best as someone who's not a comedian could come in there and do. He handled it all really well. But still, it is like, wait, hold on. I mean, he did okay.

He was pretty good. He was three hours in, too. You've got to think about that. That's a lot of show to over- But his whole setup for his thing was, it's the end of the game, you bring in the best. And I was like, fuck yeah, my man. Very confident. And I was like, this is good. I have seen better tonight. And I'm not a roser, but that was- The best in terms of- Calum bringing football is the best. Yes. I was like, you're going to bring in the closer. Get Nicky back up here. That was amazing. That's the lady finish. That's interesting.

But yeah, he did say that. And you couldn't just buy in and you're like, yes, you are just an incredible human being. Like that's what he represents to me, like the pinnacle of human achievement. Yeah, agreed. And so it's just he is the best in that sense. Like he's the best human. But you can do the setting and intention and making a statement. Yeah. That works in some things. For me.

I don't roast. I wouldn't want to. I would have been dog shit up there. I would have. But he said, get ready for the best. He said his intention is clear. I'm about to kick some ass. He killed Peyton Manning. I was like, here we go, big boy. Then he started doing some in the middle where I was like,

You're very good. You're a quarterback. You have a great stage presence. You're good at jokes. This isn't the best of tonight. If this is a football game, and I'm the coach, I'm going to sit you ass down. He didn't go to the after party. He didn't? No, he didn't. Well, because the show got nasty. It did get nasty. I'm sure he had to process it. I don't think he... He didn't know what he was getting into. I think he did his research. Obviously, he's Tom Brady. He watched out of the roast. He thought, oh my God, they went so hard on that person. They're not...

They're not going to find stuff about me that is... I don't have any of these flaws that these other men or women have had in the past. He did... I don't think he knew we were going to come after him for, like, you lost your family. Because that's not true. The jiu-jitsu... He just lost his wife. The eating a half of... You're the one that said he lost his family. Yes, I know.

And he really didn't. I mean, like, I want to be clear. He did not, like, he's a really good father. If I learn from all my research, he's, like, actually a very present father. And did he lose his wife? We don't know what their relationship was. He might be glad. He even said, I lost the love of my life football. Yes, but hearing the guy who took your piece, eating her while kicking your ass, it's like, yes. I can't believe I said that to someone. I mean, I was questioning it all week. You should have seen me. A week ago, I was like,

like in a really weird state of mind of like, oh, I wrote the jokes. I'm like, I'm feeling good about them. And then it's like, wait, I actually have to say this to him. And are we going this hard? Because you don't know what anyone else is doing. So you're like, where's the bar? So you don't see anyone's script. No. And like, you know, Jeff Ross and I are like in the same clubs, but I don't,

I'm not in the room when he's doing his. He's in the room when I'm doing mine, I think, even though I think I saw him one time. But he can be because he's an executive producer on it. So I'm like, I guess he gets to watch. But we do have like a respect for each other in terms of that. But there's a part of an element of that where you don't know where the line is. And so like, I think a day or two before I found out someone was going to make like an Aaron Hernandez reference and I go, oh, we can go there because I...

I didn't really know about that story, but in researching everything I could make fun of, I got into that story. I was like, oh, this is ripe. And then I go, this is too sad. This is like, it's all CTE related. It's not like... Yeah, but he was also a dark dude before. He was, but like, it's still all fucking tragic. Like that guy was born into a situation where he was always going to end up on that kind of track. It's really, really tragic.

But at the same time, it's like, okay, well, I can't make an excuse for not saying that's too sad, but then I can't joke about this other, you know, something else. So it's all fair game. But Giselle was a little bit like, she made a statement that was like, I'm disappointed in it. And I'm like, fair. Fair, I agree. Sure, I felt sad for her. You should be disappointed in me. But my thing is,

Giselle, you have been bullying me my whole life by existing. Like, just the way you look. How dare she? I have felt victimized. You've killed me. You've killed me. We're kind of even. Yeah, I mean, I'm obviously joking when I say that, but I'm kind of

A little bit not because I definitely suffered with body dysmorphia. Like everything the girls in that group, even now, but like in the 2000s, we all meme about how like tragic it was for young girls. And Giselle coming on the scene, I just remember being like, what is that? And how do I look like that? And I can never look, I don't have, there's no, it's unreal. And it really did. She made me feel insecure so much in my life. So if I did a joke about her getting her ass eaten, like.

fine. That's not the worst thing to wish on to someone. By your boyfriend? It wasn't like an unconsenting ass-eating? I bet he eats great ass, by the way. Yeah, I'd love to be that. But you did a joke on him. I will say, your crypto... I don't think there's ever been a more perfect joke at a more perfect moment because he's got such a... He's having such a moment. He's in everything and we're all kind of like...

It's him? Yeah. Like, he's cool. Like, he seems likable, but you're like, it's him? And it started like, oh, everyone's going to hit him a little bit. But no one was going after Gronk. Oh, boy. It was like, and then you did the joke about crypto, and it was like...

oh yes, he's a caveman, but Tom was dumber. And I was like, that's when I'm like, this woman is killing it. It was such a great angle to take. So good. Like, okay, he lost, because we were trying to, we wrote so many jokes about $30 million he lost in crypto. And like, there's pages and pages of jokes that got tossed out that were so good. But that angle of like, that you're an idiot, and then making it about Bronx. And then the act out of like, me no know what, like.

That was really fun. As well as Gronk's reaction was so great too because it was almost just he paid it off again part of the pun by just being like, wait, what just happened? Yeah, it was fun. I think the reason my guess would be why Tom didn't go was not you guys.

Cause I felt like the comedians were really funny. You guys were all, it was really clean. It was really clear what you were doing. If I were him, I would be mad at like his friends. Julian Edelman was like, Hey, bottom line, you're a super weird dude. And whoever this guy in the crowd, Alex,

Guerrero. I don't know his story. I don't follow the Patriots, but he would be like, I just want to be clear. Like, Hey Tom, like I like you, you've changed. You're weird as hell. And it's because of that guy. And you're weird as hell. And the next guy would go and be like, you're a great quarterback, man. But for real, this is not on television. I'm on drugs and I'm drunk. You fucking weird as hell, man. That happened so many times. I was like, guys, slow. Bottom line, I watch all these documentaries. There's not a single person from his past that was like, I knew he'd be something. Not even,

in one usually they find one guy who's like I knew he had it not a one oh tell me no that's fucking cool that he was the only one he had really good parents and supportive parents but like it just proves what you can be same with Kevin Hart like I was surrounded by these guys that like believe in themselves so much don't question their success it's gonna happen it's always gonna it's

It's been happening already. It's destined to happen. And that's what I did. I was really doubting myself right before I went up. Wait, is this true? Because Kevin Hart did a joke of me. Yes. So Kevin Hart did a joke that I have in my set. Which was? It was Tom's fucking around so much, his dick has CTE. And I say my clit has CTE. Oh, right. But I have a good tag for mine. He left it...

I had a tag that was like, I would show you Tom, but the NFL is making me cover it up. So it was like, okay, at least I have that tag. But I was also like, it's the same fucking joke. And like, people are going to, dumb people are going to think like, why is she still the same joke? Smart people are going to be like, oh, they didn't make sure they didn't have the same joke, but it's still not going to do as well. And I was just like,

fuck so i'm panicking and then i just i i have nothing there's no it's live and there's no commercial break so i have no producer to talk to to be like can you take it out of the prompter like nothing to do oh so my writer thank god is in the front row one of the writers i worked with and i just looked at her and she's looking at me like what and and she's just we're both like this like shaking her feet trying to think of another line really quick that can go after me saying he's on my fantasy team how could you communicate it you couldn't i'm looking at her and i go and she's just like

And she's waiting and we're both talking and she just goes, and then we both have the same calculation, which is there's going to be enough time in between that the most audience is going to forget about that show. I forgot about it. Especially the athletes. Yes. And so it subconsciously, everyone will be like, that's not as funny as I think it might. It's not going to kill as hard as if it didn't exist before, but they will have forgotten. They won't go wait a second. That was already heard. It was the perfect amount of time, maybe a minute before. And it would have been not in that threshold of like, um, so she just looks at me and she goes, just do it. And I was like,

And then I decided to do it, but I was still like, I was still nervous because there was a lot of jokes in my set that I was just like, I don't even know if this is going to work in this setting. I've worked it out of the laugh factory, but it's just, it was, I was so nervous. And then I started thinking about all the things that could go wrong. And I was like, no. So you're doing that on stage? Yeah, because I'm thinking about that. This is all, this has been two weeks of running through all the scenarios. But your head up there. Yeah. Because one thing I felt nervous about you, especially where you went early, is, like,

I was thinking when they called your name and it was me, I wouldn't want to be a female at that point. I wouldn't want to be doing that. I was like, just wait right now. Not this didn't feel the moment. It felt the best spot because Jeff had blown it open. Kevin had blown it open. Drew Bledsoe, who like, you know, obviously wasn't as fantastic, like, you know, those other guys, but did a really good job. I wasn't going up to something unfollowable, but it wasn't dead. It's much better. People go, no one should have followed you. Just like,

no it's good to follow people that are kill like you ride that momentum but anyway it was the perfect spot to have but i just right before like it was probably two minutes before i was getting brought up during drew's set i was just like you are gonna kill there's no world in which you don't like i really was like you have to tom brady this like it's already done it's you're going to everything's this is going to be the best time you've ever done it it's i felt it through my body i'm trying to like do manifestation stuff recently and you have to like feel the feeling that

It's already happened. Like what's done is done. And you have to feel it. And you've prepared yourself. You are prepared. Even if you feel nervous a little bit. There's no way. I couldn't have prepared more. It's like I'm ready. So it went as I envisioned it. Like it kind of worked. But it is crazy because you are leading up to that moment. You are sitting there. You are like, holy shit, it's about to happen. You're doing it. It's going well. You're probably feeling the groove.

And then it's over and you get a standing ovation. Yeah. And then you sit down. And at the end of it, you did kind of like not that you're going to pick someone who did the best. But if there was an MVP of the Rose, you've clearly unanimously been you've been selected for that. Which I didn't even know was a thing. Well, it wasn't. But even before that, when Kevin Hart then stopped it. Oh, yeah. And just was like. And you got the standing ovation. But he did that. He didn't do that. No, but it was really class because there was such class in watching it.

I was watching, I was doing the whole thing, and he did a good intro, but it was like a lot going on. I was like, fucking guy's got a hard job. He's like running the room. He's going like, everything's good. He also was setting the tone for get ready. This is different because it's not on Comedy Central. This isn't for a small roast group. You guys are at home. You might feel uncomfortable. Trust me. He did do a good job. He was great. He set the table. Then you killed in a way where when I was watching it, I went like, oh, now the thing is different.

Now we're no longer at the beginning. I was like, how's this going to go? How's these jocks going to be versus these? And the comedians row, it wasn't your usual roasters. It was more like, this is a new group. These are more podcasters. So I was like, what is going to happen? You hit that. And then I was like, oh, and I liked that he said,

perfect set perfect it was like I think that's what everyone was feeling so fucking nice of him yeah but also you must just be feeling so you had to feel so good and then there's so much left to do I didn't know I had a standing ovation I wouldn't have known if Kevin didn't say it because I was just kind of like I knew I killed and I didn't want to I don't like gloating at all I'm not someone who's gonna do a fucking dance after a touchdown like I just I'm like it was because for

for me everyone else has to perform I don't want to be like and that's it folks like you know game over yeah because it kind of felt like it in that moment that that's what everyone was kind of it was feeling so if you look at me afterwards I'm like literally I turn into like an armadillo that I like my spine gets turned and I'm just like oh thank you because I don't want to be like I just can't like yeah yeah so when he said that it was really nice for me because I wouldn't have known and and and it was also like

You don't need to do that. Like he told everyone how to feel about it. Really? Even though everyone felt that way already. I don't agree. I don't agree. Yeah. I think he said, I think he said, which I think was smart, but was in the air. Yeah. I think it was, I think every once in a while and mostly it's a move where I don't, I didn't like those old stories of like Carson would pull somebody over and that meant you made it. Yeah. That old world of the King maker. I'm like,

I don't get it. Yeah. I don't think that's what he did. I think he was trying to be really present and he's like, I got three hours. I have to host this. Then he goes like, I got a teleprompter of jokes. Hold on. Good point. That was fucking, this night is really good. The night changed a little bit. I own this thing too. This is my ass. That was what we're doing here, guys. Yeah, that was really, that's a really good point. Hearing that you weren't confident, the Tom Brady before, because when you walked in, there was the feeling, I was like,

I was like, I had a moment once you started. I was like, uh-oh, here we go. Oh, good. I was like, what was the after party like? It was my mom dancing. My mom and dad were there. I flew them in for it. And so they were just really like, I'm Nikki Glaser's mom. And so it was me trying to manage that. But it was just like, I kind of kept in a corner. I really was like kind of...

processing it all. And like, I was getting a lot of attention, which felt inappropriate around other people that had also performed. I'm just a little tired. I just want to get away from having to be like, well, we all like, I just, I felt too much. Like I, it was a glowing thing. It was your night when you were like, but we're a group over here. Yeah. I didn't want to be like, it's just, it was a lot, but it was, it was, it was fun. There are a lot of comparisons to Tom Brady. Like you were saying before, like the fact that you did,

You had this big event. Yeah. You fucking crushed it. You were kind of the focus of it and you kind of now have the trophy a little bit and are driving around town with it. Yeah. Deservedly so. Sure, I really am. But it's deserved, but it has to be... It is a little strange. It is. There's nothing...

I could not have predicted until it happened, until it literally happened. I don't think anyone knew this was going to be this big of a deal or there would be some chance to have something come out of it. That is this big of a deal. It's just a real moment. I'm Taylor Swift for a couple of days. It really feels that way. My face is everywhere. People are hearing people talking about me and other conversations like there isn't something that's culturally this big. You know what it is? Really? Ever is that this used to be entertainment.

So entertainment, Rob Reiner told me a story about All in the Family. And we were talking about what it was like then. And he was talking shit about what it was like here and already like 2012. And he goes, we used to have a joke that we knew was going to land. Let's say it was like at 745. And you go, we record it. We know it's going to hit. He goes, you could hear America laugh together. And I was like, man, in the world of like dog shit ratings and streamers.

I don't get it. Nope. Everybody's somehow tuned into that. It felt like an event. It felt like an event. And that event hits. And when you plan something like this, no one was bad. Like everybody scored, but it was like, when you watch a Superbowl,

And there's a big game. That's how Patrick Mahomes became, you go like this flicking dude, how Tom Brady would go, well, they're losing. And then you go, what's this fucking weirdo doing? Yeah. You go, I don't care what that guy, if he only eats avocado ice cream and he's that good. Yes. And then when something is that good, I think we, as people, we all just love it. Yeah. I really had that moment. I'm feeling it. It's, it's,

It's so interesting. There's a little bit of like people who have never been nice to me or being nice to me, but it's mostly like everyone's just like genuinely happy for me in a way that I never felt like when you have success in this business. You know, I've felt it here and there when you have things come out and stuff. But this is just like people running into me just going,

You. I'm going to tell you another reason why this is different though. It's just like a weirder difference. Let's say there's an announcement on deadline that you sell a show to NBC about your life. Yeah. Who cares? If I see you, I'm not going like this. Girl, you did it. No, you're not. The reason this is different

It was a scary, tense environment. What I liked about the roast, it was not comfortable. Those athletes, you know it's not just alcohol at that party. But it's different. You're inside the locker room.

in a way that like we have now turned athletes into like lovable cuddle bears who are there on Sunday morning being like, hey, it's Fox News. You're right. I did get in a lot of trouble for trying to kill people on the field. And they all say I turn into somebody else. And then you watch documentaries about like University of Miami where they'd have a group and they would fight each other in the locker room. Wow. But now we know all these athletes as being like, that was a different time. Yeah. Tune in at nine. My brand. You saw how they were outside of

Fox Sundays in the morning and you're like, there's nasty, there's competition. Yes, there's vulnerability. There's like their fear of Belichick. Then they're like, you know what? Actually, I'm going to tell it. Coach, what up? Like, like Gronk's like struggling with himself at that moment. Yes.

It was so fascinating. Belichick, who chose nothing. Now you know what it was. And then watching Tom watch him, I was like, this is a tough dynamic. When Belichick gives Bledsoe a big hug at the end. No, Peyton Manning. He gets up to hug Peyton while Brady's there. And I wanted to be like,

Dad, just say to Tom he's good too. Dude. Stop fucking with him now. He's so, he fucks with him so much. Belichick does. I loved Belichick that night. Yes. But I watched that, you know, Patriots documentary, The Dynasty, which was fantastic. And what an asshole that guy is. Will you fucking tell Tom that he did a good job even once? Even that night you felt it. Yes. What was the vibe in the air? You know, I'm on

It sucks because I wanted to be able to see it because it was so much from the side. But the vibe in the air was when Rob threw that glass. Yes. The vibe was like a little bit like, what the fuck was that? Like, that was kind of dangerous and weird. Also, he could have gotten people's eyes in the crowd. It was very dangerous. He's lucky. I mean, he really played into the stereotype that had been set up all night about him. I think that's probably part of it, too. Yeah, he...

He did us a favor. It's also what it is. You're like, that's who he is. And then Julian Edelman doing all, I mean, I got to rewatch his set. He said ridiculous things. He was so funny. And then Ben Affleck miming, giving a deep-throated

Yeah. Like that was a strange moment. There was also funny. Kevin Hart called out that white boy humor is a lot of second day. That was right. And he's like, that's never been called out as it is. And I thought the amount of times I've said to other white guys, like, and I'll suck your dick. And I'm like, I do that joke as well. And then all the white guys at a certain point were like, you know, I'm a football player. I'm a badass. I would eat your ass, Tom. And Tom's going like, you got it.

This is a thing we all have to stop doing. It might be the night that I think Kevin Hart might have ruined it for white guys. We're not allowed to do this anymore. He called it out. You're so right. And it's now over. Even after he called it out, the jokes kept coming because they were already in the problem. They couldn't take it out. It was live. Skip ahead. There's a lot of ass-eating stuff here. After it's a white boy joke, it's a white boy joke. It's weird him having to go like,

You're like, oh, Ben. After it had been ruined. Yeah. But that was a weird, magical night. Yes. Well, truly, thank you for coming on because you're having a moment.

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Well, we had to, but we chatted so much, I think we lost a call. Um, I'm sorry. No, it's not your fault. It was us. Um, but do you mind if we chat a little more? Is that cool? I love chatting. Okay, alright, great, good. Alright, awesome. That's all I want to do. Um, yeah, okay, actually, can I have you guys help me with a problem? Yes. And this is kind of like, this kind of has to do, there's peeking involved. Please. Okay, go. Okay, so I did... This is true.

This is true. I literally have to decide today and I just can't decide. I did a PETA shoot, the naked PETA shoot, the famous one where it's like, I'd rather go naked than wear fur. It's like a way for women to get naked and have an excuse that they're doing it for charity. It's the best thing ever. I've been a vegan for years and been dying for them to ask me. Because if you just do a shoot where you're like, I'm hot, people are like, cool, you think you're hot. But this is for animals. The anti-Carl's Jr. So I have two pictures that I have to decide between

And will you guys look? I think I've covered up enough in them. Are you comfortable? Can we put them on the screen? I'm pretty naked in this, but my nipples are covered, so it's fine. But I want to know if I go with the sitting one or the standing one and why you chose that. And I don't know if I can show this on the podcast itself, but I think it'll still be. I think if it's out by then, then it'll be fine. Yeah, right.

I am very nervous to show this. I'm not trying to be like, look at how hot I am. This is literally, I'm not trying to find, there's no sexuality in this for me. Here we go. Let us talk without you. You're not here. You're not here. Oh, that's great. That's a great one. My jokes kill, my clothes don't.

I don't like that slogan, I just want to say. It's too, like, I'm funny. Boy, look at that. So are you fully, when you do it, are you? I wore a nude thong, you can see. But, like, yeah, it was, like, all females in the room. Right. So that one, like, kind of looks like, can I talk? I'm sorry. The one against this is it looks like I'm singing, but I don't hate that because I do have a single coming out. Like, I'm trying to have a singing career at some point.

I just started trying like four years ago. I was like, I've always wanted to do this. So that's not something I'm opposed to, but it's supposed to look like stand up. But it could be a bit where I'm going like I'm doing an act out. Yeah. No, that doesn't. It doesn't feel like stand up to me. OK. Yes. OK. It does. It feels like you're at a stand up place, but you're singing. So the standing one is more stand up. OK, so that's one. These are the two options. Yeah. Two for sure.

Two for sure. I agree. Really? 100%. Okay. I agree. Not even close. I think your eyes are open. There's something weird about the city one. Okay. And I don't know what it is. They're both really flattering pics. Yes. But one, the where vegan written, the way the legs are crossed. There's a lot going on where I'm like, the facial expression, the looking that way. Okay. Yeah.

This one is just like a... Then done deal. That's all I wanted was an emphatic that one because my girls' chat is torn, my assistant, everyone I'm sending to... I'm a hundred here. I'm so glad to hear that. I wanted a male perspective that is... Also, the element of that looking like

stand up and I also like that your that your hair is covering your nipple versus like something feels censored yeah I would say everything I like about this okay you can take it off the screen thank you so much

Yes. Okay. Thank you guys. I'll just, I'll send the standing one. Great pictures. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was actually, you know, usually I don't know how you guys feel about photo shoots, but it's like the worst. It's horrible. It's really, it's horrible. And I don't like to look at, I sometimes six months for me to like, there's something really weird about having to go. Like when you perform, um,

having to actually just try to be judged upon how you do in stills. It's fucking weird. There's no control. And when you run out of faces or poses and you're like, what is happening for these 30? Can I just ask a random question? And if this is annoying, tell me to shut up. Yeah. Shut up. So that whole thing right there, there was a lot of obvious like insecurity and blah, blah, blah. Yeah. But hold on.

Your performance, that person who walked on stage, that was one of the most confident human beings ever.

I mean, I've ever I think one of the reasons why what I love about Tom Brady is at the end of the game, I'm at home eating chips with wings on. I have anxiety stomach. Yeah, I'll be like, there's a minute left. And then I'm like, how are you calm, motherfucker? Yeah, everybody's watching. Well, when they called your name up, I was like, I am. I am Tom Brady when they call me up. But like off off.

that's kind of when the eye pressure is on, like I turn into a different, it's, I'm the same person, but I'm the best version of myself. No, I don't doubt myself. I'm as long as I'm prepared. Interesting. You know, like I'm fine, but like, yeah, like when I did that shoot, I was totally confident. Like I was like, it was great because I'm usually so worried about my face. I'm like, no one's looking at my fucking face in this. Like, it's like,

kind of and my body is whatever it's gonna like and you can it was just it felt freeing in a way that was like i i really enjoyed that more than i've ever with a shoot with clothes on honestly like it's been easier for me to look at pictures from it it's a weird thing but yeah i i am probably one of the most insecure people you'll find but you did so how did you get into stand-up what's your whole arc and it's like i've uh i've talked about it so much so it sounds it's

I hate to say it because it sounds, it sounds like I'm always talking about my dark, dark past, but I was anorexic. I almost died from it. I was going to die. And then I, someone was like, you should try standup comedy. I tried it. And I was like, okay, I have a reason to live. Cause I was, I wanted to be on TV, but I was not getting booked. And you know, I wasn't getting roles in plays. I wasn't getting to go to theater school. I wasn't, I wasn't a good enough singer. I wasn't, didn't know how to play an instrument. So I was like, I guess I'll just like die. And so,

I caught anorexia and then I was literally dying, literally dying. And then I tried to stand up, which I didn't even know was a thing. Like I never even considered to do it. But then I was good the first time. Like I had the first thing I was like. No, I was I was at college. I was at my freshman year of college. I just did a campus thing and I was like clearly better than the rest. And I was like, this is the only thing I've ever been good at in my life.

Exceptional act. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I wasn't good for many, many years, but it was just, you know, just when you know. What do you think it was about that first one when you knew, like, oh, there's something that I can do here? It was like I could write a joke. Oh, interesting. Like, I could treat a joke like a math problem and, like, solve it and really do a turn of phrase that would really surprise people. And, you know, I was studying Silverman up in, like, when I decided to do that show and then until I did it, I found her. It was, like, 2007.

two, three, and I was just obsessed with her. And so I looked at how she wrote a joke and was like, can I kind of figure out how to do this? And I was like, oh, I think I can. I think I'm actually not so bad at this. It was just, you know, you have that moment where you're like, well, finally I'm exceptional at something. With stand-up too, when you actually first are like, when you pass the threshold of like,

I'm good enough to keep going. I'm not killing. I have notes on myself, but you're like, I see the path. Yeah, kind of. I knew it was going to take eight to 10 years. Yeah. I just tell you basically orientation, but you kind of don't believe it. No, there's a way to say there isn't. You're not allowed. If you did believe it, it probably would not make it possible.

Yeah. While you're doing it, you're going like, I actually think I'm going to be. And then you bomb and you're like, oh, I do suck. Yeah. But it's enough of a carrot where you're kind of following it the whole way instead of looking at it like.

a 30 mile, like 30 miles away. I didn't, yeah, I didn't really think about the future that much. I was just like, just try to be as good as you're supposed to be at three years in. And now that I'm picked up guitar and singing, I'm like trying not to compare myself to 39 year old singer songwriters. Like, okay, I'm comparing myself to a 12 year old on YouTube. Am I as good as them? Okay, good. I'm in the right trajectory. One of the things that is...

kind of so great about being able to talk to you right after this thing, which you are agreeing with, is like a moment, a crazy moment in time that is really rare, hard to come by, is that I've known you for quite a while and you have been like grinding it out, doing so many different things for so long, still becoming very popular and doing very well.

But you've done so like when I first met you when we both had shows on MTV you had Nikki and Sarah live Which was we were both kind of just like what the fuck is this that it wasn't going great And it was very strange very strange time at MTV, but you kept getting gigs as it went on and you kind of kept progressing to the point where you kind of have like you seem like one of those people where you know it didn't happen for you and

as fast as maybe some other stand-ups. But now that you're here, you are so prepped for it. Yeah, it's nice. And there's such ownership over it. Yes. And probably even from this moment going forward, you're just going to keep... I can sustain it now. And you can see that it's going to get bigger and bigger. And yeah, you can. It's not...

Because you have the proof. Yeah. You are so fucking funny. You are such a good stand-up. I know how to do the work that's going to... Yeah, it's like... It came at the right time. There were so many chances along the way and you feel like a failure when that show gets canceled or that show never even gets picked. All the things that you think are going to be your future, but I'm so... I was always...

pretty okay, though. Like, after the first show got canceled and I realized, like, oh, people forget really fast. Oh, yeah. And it's on to the next thing. Was that Nikki and Sarah live? Yeah. Yeah, but then it was like, you know, okay, I'll do a reality show. I'll host this dating show. I'll just, like, and if they go away, I don't care. You did Blind Date. You did FYI. You even did a show that followed you going home. Yeah, on E! called Welcome Home, Nikki Glaser. Like, I just, I'm like, now at the point I'm lucky enough, if it sounds fun and it's, like, something...

I don't know. Now people are like, what do you want to do? What's your movie? I'm like, I don't really want to write a movie. It seems hard. What do you like? I mean, that is funny to follow up the question you don't like with the question you don't like. But

like if someone were to be like what is your like do you just want to keep pursuing stand-up is the next thing that i would like to do that i'm like okay that would be a really cool goal and be like i did that but i think just keep doing stand-up keep figuring out uh keep writing music and incorporating that and like ultimate goal is like taylor switch asking me to be in a music video in like a comedic way oh my god that's so possible like i think that's it like she tends to have comedic moments in her stuff and cameos and so i'm like okay that's

That's like a really that will be the coolest thing I could ever do. Performing with her in some aspect because she's my favorite person like that would be really cool. But I'm really like happy with my life. I mean, I really like I'm having fun. I don't really. Right now for you guys. It is so fucking great. It's not. It's really hot. Is it just it must just feel like a little bit like a whirlwind over the past.

couple days. It's like one of the, it's like my life will never be the same kind of things. So what are you going to do? Like, when do you slow down? When do you go home? When do you have a break? I'm going to do press in New York after this. And then I, um, after my special comes out next week and then I go back to St. Louis and I'm, then I'm just back on the road every weekend. And I have, I just signed a deal with a, um,

that has me like the next 200 shows. So that could be over the next two years or 10 years if I want. So it's like, I'll just be, I just tour every night, every weekend I'm out on the road and then just keep shooting specials, but keep doing fun stuff. Like I just did, are you smarter than a celebrity? Like game shows and coming out here for that. I just like saying yes to fun things where I get to meet and hang out with fun people. Travis Kelsey hosted that. That was really exciting for me. And then I got to do Natasha sitting next to me. And by the way,

We're in the blood. He said my name today on New Heights on this podcast. And he said, if I ever do a roast, Nikki Glaser's got to be there. And I was like. I heard you also, Todd Bowles. I know as a fan. But like. It's the weirdest. That was so weird. He's like a 60 year old guy. And he was like, I haven't seen the roast yet, but I love Nikki Glaser. I'm like, what is happening to this woman? That was so funny. I didn't know Todd Bowles had ever seen any comedy.

comedy ever. It does not seem like you would be like, I love comedy. Now I know how absurd that is because so many of my guy friends wrote me, Todd Bowles is a fan. Please look him up. It was so funny. I thought he was saying that because he had just seen it. No, he hadn't even seen it. I got into football because of Taylor Swift. I am one of those people that literally started going like, there's something to this. This is actually really fun to watch and I've always been like, I don't get it. Not in a way that was judgmental. I really wanted to understand and enjoy football and now I do and now I'm like,

oh, now I'm in with that. Now I can go to games and stuff and start. You could go on the sidelines. Everybody in the NFL world watched that roast. I can't believe that. That is so exciting. Your world now, when the season starts, the first big game on NBC.

You should be on the sidelines. Just like before the game. You're now part of the NFL world. I have so much research to do. I can't wait. This is so exciting. Who is your team? Do you have a team? I don't. Will you guys help me? Well, I mean, you're from. I mean, no, no. Chiefs are my team. Chiefs are my team because I'm from St. Louis. And it's Travis Kelsey. That's a great name. And then you go to the first Chiefs game of this season wearing a Taylor Swift jersey. I got to go. I'm so excited.

And, oh my God. Yeah, this is so exciting for me. This is my new identity. There's a big play there too. This is my new identity. I needed one. Swifty was, it's like, Swifty will always be there, but like a Chiefs fan is like, I feel really. There's a lot of alignment here in a way that feels predetermined. Oh my God. I genuinely think you should push into the

I am into the NFL now. By roasting Tom Brady the way you did, every person who likes the NFL has seen that. Everybody who's seen it had to go. Who I didn't know before went,

That girl, Nikki Glaser, whoever that is, she's really funny. I'm going to start... I'm actually going to start trying to understand the game and learn the nuances and be able to speak. Because I feel a little bit of a... I tried to get into it... My boyfriend bought a board with magnets to teach me about the game back in October. And then this Tom Brady thing came about. So I was like... I was already kind of educating myself. I had so much more knowledge than I would have going into Tom Brady because of Travis Kelsey. But now I just...

It's a lot to learn, though. I'm excited, though. You should lean into being a Chiefs fan. I'm going to hard. Flex that muscle. Mahomes and Kelsey. And who's the coach's name? Andy Reid. Andy Reid, of course, who is in there. Yes. Okay, I'm really going to dedicate myself. I hope Chiefs Nation accepts me. You should also try to do an All-State commercial with Kelsey. I mean, with a...

Mahomes. Dude, you're so right. You should get into that galaxy a little bit. And the other thing you should do for your special, you should do the, whenever I do press, I'll do like the sports press. Yeah. So I'll do like, you know, you do like Rich Eisen, you do the NFL Network, you do the whole, you do Wake Up NFL, you do all those shows because now you're connected to that world. Okay. Because all of them want to do what,

The reason we lost a call was because I geeked out talking about the Rose. Yeah. We don't do that. You really don't do that. But I'm like, it was the mixing of the worlds. It's the mixing of the worlds. I'm so excited to be in that world. All of those players seeing that whole locker room, how they were hanging out, I'm like, this is weird. It's so cool. You did dominate a guy who we never see get dominated.

I would push the we're here to help to you is push hard in this form. I am really, I'm sending an email to my publicist when I leave here. And for this special, because a lot of people who watch, like that woman who called in, when she said she hadn't watched it, I was like, that's right, because it's NFL. Yeah. So you could get a huge boost. Everybody who watches the NFL who saw that,

Guess what I'm doing on Saturday night? Yes. I'm checking your shit. You should start calling yourself roast, like goat of the roast. Because Tom Brady, I mean, you did win the roast. Okay. But I don't know. Yeah. Just because that's kind of Jeff Ross's thing. Yeah. Well, roast master. Roast master. Yes. So Nikki, here's a clear pitch. Here's a clean pitch. You got SNL. You got specials. You got 200 gigs. You're fine.

The clean pitch is you get on the Kelsey podcast, whatever that's called. Yeah. And your goal is to be in the box with Taylor opening game. And I think if you even mentioned that. Yes. I guarantee. Hold on. Let me feel like it's happening. Put it in your body. You're right about to get on stage. Keep going. You're in that box. I'm walking back into the box. Yeah. She's like kind of ahead of me. I don't know if I should walk next to her or with her. And she goes.

Come here, walk with me. And she wraps her hand. We walk like this. Yes. Because we're like besties now. Then while you're in there, what is she talking about? I have this idea for this music video. Yes. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I mean, that dream is right there. Eating chicken, me vegan chicken wings, dipping it into the ranch and the ketchup like she does, like we know she does in the box. Oh, my God. This is a kind of this is an OK peak.

So when you go do, this is a great piece. This is the right kind of guys. But now let's violently massage the body. When you go do the whole press tour, everybody you say, you just go like this. I'm just really hoping that Taylor Swift, who I love more than football, got me into it. I just want to be in the suite with her. I want to be doing the thing with her. I want to watch football with her. Do you think she's going to see that and go, let's make that happen? Or is she going to be like, that's so desperate? No.

Maybe that's wrong. What do you think? I think the podcast is the way. I push too far. You can definitely do the podcast. I think talking about on that, first of all, you're a Chiefs fan. Second of all, since you've become a Chiefs fan kind of by proxy of watching this relationship, you just want to end up in that box. You can do that in a way that's funny, but also there's like, eh, she's... Yeah, like...

She's a little serious. I belong there. I know I do. You do. You know what? That's the idea. It's I belong in there with her because she's the best. She would have a great time with you. We would have so much fun. And to pitch it, if you ever do see this, Taylor, like I'm not going to, I will always worship you and think you're like the best thing in the world in a way that I do of all my best friends who I can be very comfortable and cool around and not make you feel weird. Yeah.

I love you like a best friend already. You see a line. But we would have so much fun whispering. There's no flags on this friendship. Yeah, and I will keep secrets for you forever. In fact, yesterday, TMZ outside of Jimmy Kimmel was like, as a Swifty, can you comment on the fact that Lana Del Rey was caught? Same bed. And I go, as a Swifty, no comment. And so your secrets will always be safe with me, girl. Nikki. I mean, that is as good of a pitch as there is. It is. Now I have to be honest. Is she Sam and you're Georgia?

No. All she wants to do is watch the game. Jake, I'll answer on behalf of Nikki. No. I'm saying this as Nikki's friend. No, you're not. Dude, you're so right. She's going like this. I'm looking to walk again and you're going like this. And the other thing. I was like, Nikki, look at these photos. I'm going to massage your butt with these.

my elbow. Giving Georgia. Okay. You're giving Georgia vibes. I need to back it off. Okay. You're just in a suite together. Chill out, dude. It's chill. You're not going to defend her honor. She's not your best friend. Listen, you've got that. You're right there. No, she is, though. No, she is. Georgia. Georgia. But Taylor, at

Taylor knows that her Swifties are, she just, she hasn't become friends with us, but I bet she would admit, like, if you love my music and love me the way that I love my fans, you would be my friend. Because I have the same relationship with some of my fans where I'm like, if you listen to my podcast, which is, like, not funny, it's just me, like, crying and being, like, vulnerable every day, like, I just come in, like, whatever I am. Then you're with me. Then you love me. You could be my friend. When they come in,

meet me and they go, I think we could be best friends. I go, we could, but you live in Milwaukee and I'm not, this isn't going to happen. So I do understand. I think she understands it. But you know who also feels this way? Georgia. She goes, if you're in my room for an hour, I love you. I care about you. I know your body. I've peaked. I've seen everything. I love every part of you. I know you. I massage you hard because I care. We gossip.

And you know what Sam wants? Just a massage and to get that chiropractor. You know what Taylor wants? To watch the football game and hang out with her boyfriend. A little twist of my mental illness. I think we pull back. I think it's going to win. I think you're going to get it. I have awareness that I don't want to be a Georgia and I would never. Because you're the person who roasted motherfucking Brady. And I'll do it again. Yes, you're right. That's who I am.

You didn't really help me today. And then the thing is... Now, hold on. So let's... All right. So there you are. I have like a trajectory for my career. And it's great. Now, how do we... You're in such a moment. How do we slot into this? I am. How do we slot into this a little? Kim Kardashian DM'd me on the way in. What? What? You're...

Your guy was meeting me outside to find, cause I couldn't find the place and I texted him and he goes over here and I go, Hey, I'm really sorry. I just have to finish up this, this text I'm sending. And I'm just like, and then I, then I go, I'm so sorry about that. I go, Kim Kardashian just DMD. He goes, really? Like he was the first person to find out before anyone. She said, uh, you killed it on the roast. And I wrote back, Kim,

Oh, my God. I was trying to make eye contact with you every chance I could to mouth to you, you fucking killed girl, which was no surprise after your SNL monologue, which was elite. You are so talented. Thank you so much for writing me. It was so nice. Did you think she wrote that? Should I check? Of course. This is going to be so anticlimactic if she didn't. No, but if she thinks she's Kim Kardashian, it's fine. Maybe it's a scene. If it says scene, that's not great. Oh, God.

If it says seen, then yeah, you're right. Aw, thanks. And you, capitalized, killed it. I don't know how you do this. It's abuse, LOL. How about this? Fuck yeah, girl. In town for a couple days. How about a coffee? Whoa, whoa. Is that insane? Is that Georgia? No. I don't know. I did not get the vibe that she wants to hang out. If I get that ever. How about this? How about this? I will jump on it. Big fan. Hopefully we cross paths again.

Yes. Or do you let it go? Do you drop it here? I will say I'm not following her. I'm sure she saw that because it probably said like follow back, you know, when you following you. I don't know. I don't even want to look because I'm so horrified that like when people but I'm only not following her because she's too pretty and it was triggering. It wasn't because I was not a fan right back and late tonight. Do a late tonight follow. It'll be buried. She won't. Yeah. Well, she's got so many. I

Yeah, she won't. Yeah, she will. She's not going to wake up and be like. The only way she would notice is that it says follow back. Like when you go to someone's profile and you're like. I mean, God, it would be so humanizing to be like, she's just like me. In a side note, we're not going deep on this because we're obviously talking Kim Kardashian, but Kevin doesn't follow us.

Yeah, Kevin won't follow us. But we're not going back on that. We've worked with him for almost a year. Is there a reason? Now it's just out of... He's very particular. I don't follow most people. I just follow my sisters this year. Yeah, he keeps saying that, but he does follow people. He follows other people he does podcasts with. But, Nikki, you are the best. You guys are. This was the wildest episode. Really? We've never done this much like this. Oh, really? But we've never... The moment you're on,

I think, threw us both. Oh, that's... It was so fun. It was really fun to watch. I'm such a fan. Keep doing what you're doing. We're such fans of you. You're so fucking fun. I've been a fan of yours for so long. And I just watch you from afar and just... Oh, thanks. And I've known you forever, but I haven't met him yet, and so I have to gush a little bit. I've been a fan of yours for a long time, and like Gareth, I've known you. And...

I got a stomachache watching you go up. And I thought, this is a skit. Because, you know, I'm also a Stern fan. So I've seen your whole journey of how, like, you started. Yeah, yeah. And now how you're, like, one of his favorites. Will they, won't they with Mark the Bagger. Yeah, exactly. You've incorporated into that world where I'm like, oh, this is a really nice win for her. You know whose arc you kind of remind me of, especially of writing your own ticket?

A young lady out of, I believe, Nashville. But I could be wrong there. You mean... A little singer-songwriter. Yes. A kid who said, I'm going to do things my own way. And who enters worlds where people go, are all these songs the same? And she goes, no, they're... This is what I'm going to be writing. And then she starts dating a football player. And a lot of people go, that's not what we want from her. But she said, you know what happened when somebody stole her whole...

Library? What'd she do? She goes, I'm going to fucking do it my own way again. Taylor's version. I've learned a lot from her. I really have. I think you might learn a lot from each other. I don't think this is a Georgia Sam. I think these are two Sams. Oh my God. And you're the Georgia.

That means so much to me. Well, Nikki, you are having a moment. We are very proud of you. Keep killing it. Thank you, Nikki. Thank you, guys. Come back whenever. That means a lot. We'll do a proper intro. Oh, yeah. Thank you so much. Seriously, thanks so much for coming.

Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. This next follow-up is from episode 73 of the podcast. It is with the first caller of that episode, which is called You Are Not the Barber with Daryl Johnson and John Feidelberg. It came out a few weeks ago on April 25th. So if you'd like to listen as a quick refresher, go for it. Enjoy. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hello. Hi there. Welcome back to We're Here to Help, America's number one podcast. We know that you're following up. We don't know who you are, what the follow up is. So can you tell us your name and what the first call was? Assuming it was just one.

Yes. Yeah. This is Jackie. I had called you guys about my hairdresser dilemma. Oh, yeah. Right. Yes. Yes. You had two hairdressers. Yes. Yes. You had one of them. Yeah. One broke up. Then one came back and one did a really bad job. Then you want they did highlights.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, and you basically you were in the midst where you wanted to get rid of the one hairdresser who would also hang out for a while after. Was that right? No, no. There was somebody in the kitchen. They did it at home. And there was a guy in the room. His roommate. Right. His roommate would just kind of watch like a Tarantino scene. Yeah. Yeah. OK. Yeah. Real weird. So what's what's the update?

So the update is I did take the advice of everybody from the show and I did go with Todd. I went back to go see him. And so I did have to break up with Kelly, but it worked out because she never ended up reaching back out to me. So I just never responded back to her essentially kind of ghosted her and it kind of worked out. So hold on. You broke up Jackie via email.

So I didn't actually have to say anything to her. She was waiting for me to schedule like my next appointment. And then she just never followed up with me about it. So I never responded to her original text. And then I have not heard from her since. So I just didn't say anything. I didn't say anything. I wonder if she knew the highlights were bad.

Or she listens to the show. I feel like she probably knew. I think she screwed up. I mean, if she listens to the show, then we got to say this to you. Call on in. Yes, exactly. Call on in. We love you, Jackie. Come on, Kelly. Come on, Kelly. Let's have a little fun. We will turn on you fast, Jackie. Jackie means nothing to us, Kelly. We go which way the wind blows. There is no loyalty, just ratings.

Just ratings in a ratingless world of podcasts. What are the metrics? So Jackie, quick thing. How's the new do? How's Todd? Well, the haircut is great. Going back to Todd was a really good choice. I will say the guy does, I did finally meet his roommate. I've gone to see Todd like two or three times now and all of those times his roommate sat through like my entire two hour haircut and it's

I mean, he's a nice enough guy, but it's a real weird vibe. So I'm just going to kind of see how long I can ride that out for because it's a little weird. But the hair is great. Do you know? That's a turn. I thought we were ended.

Oh, yeah. No, there's a problem. We can always find a problem. I honestly thought we were doing the thank you for the call. And now there's a weird guy in the kitchen. No, no, we've got there's always issues in minutiae. Well, so does he see he obviously has more people come to the house for haircuts, right? Yeah. Yeah. Is he public in any way? Does he have a Facebook? Does he have does he advertise?

No, he does not. And so they get, so basically you cut the guy's hair. There's a weird guy in the kitchen, but the hair is good. And are you just going to push past the, let's just refer to a male roommate who's around as a Luke. Are you going to do anything about the Luke? You're going to push through it. What's going to happen?

I think for right now, I'm just going to ride out the situation and see if he's there every single time. I don't know. It's kind of awkward, but he's nice enough and makes kind of normal conversation. But again, it's still like somebody sitting there watching me get my hair done. It's weird. I think I'm just going to ride it out until I'm weirded out. Just for the sake of Gareth and I being guys who can't. Yes, he's right, by the way. But just for being the sake of Gareth and I guys who can't stop.

Yeah. Garth, can we pitch a few things of what she can do to get the roommate out of there? Next haircut really fast. We're at kind of rapid fire. If we just think really quick, she's getting a haircut. One, tell a story that is really off-putting and a little gross that he might, if he's eating in there, something about like bad food you had, you had Indian food, the reaction so that he thinks, oh, Jackie's disgusting. Right.

I like that. I like that. How about how about faking a panic attack because he's watching and say it's not connected to reality, but just sort of be like, I'm sorry. It just it gives me anxiety. I'm really sorry. Like, you're really lovely, but it just it's good.

It heightens my anxiety a little bit. Oh, three. Ask him personal advice. I mean, personal questions. And then give really abrasive advice. Being like, are you in a relationship? And he can be like, I'm seeing somebody and go, okay, let me tell you what to do. First of all, ask them. Where it's like, I'm not asking for advice. And then second of all, pink is not your color. You should wear light blue. Also, go change. And so he's like, oh, when she comes around, she just fucking gets in my shit.

shit. I think that's really good. Annoy him out of the room. Another option would be

Have someone say you're really sorry, but you have to talk to your friend who you haven't taught, who's been like in, you know, whatever, Algeria for two months. And and then on speakerphone, have your friend complain about a situation adjacent to this. Like her husband, her husband's brother is staying with you guys. And every time you're cooking dinner, he just stands there and stares. And it's really awkward and off putting and weird. Also, the old classic talk about your dreams.

Just go on about a dream. Just sit there and go. He's like, he's sitting there eating cereal. Todd's cutting your hair and then go like, I had the weirdest dream. There was a bear. There was a cougar. There was a beaver. I was in either Canada or Africa or China. Water was everywhere. Water was everywhere, but also there was no water. I had lobsters.

long hair short hair i had medium hair and he's just gonna be like oh for fuck's sake shut up all right and the last one okay the last one is this you have started a tiktok skull like where you basically squirt people with a squirt gun and bring a squirt gun in and just film yourself squirting him with a squirt gun and just keep saying it's for your tiktok reels

Jackie, of these six options, bad stories, fake panic attack, bad advice. You're really sorry, but there's some, you got a bad story. Squirt gun for TikTok.

You think you're going to do any of these next time? I feel like bad advice or just like kind of being an annoyance in any sort of way could work. Yes, it could. So I feel like I could really, really investigating him would be off putting. Yes. But make sure the advice is something, you know, he doesn't want. And the other thing you could do in terms of being annoying because you like that.

is don't be afraid to eat there with your mouth open and make the kind of sounds that ruin food for others. There are certain people who will eat around me and the sounds they make, it's either like they're an animal attacking meat or like a gross lover. And it ruins food for me. I agree. You're like, shut up.

Eating during it would be good. Yeah, but even if you have like a turkey leg that you could just bring in your purse and just bring it out, take a bite, and let him just go. Whichever way you go, bring a turkey leg to eat. Jackie, producer Kevin here, does he, when the haircut is done, does he ever like compliment it? Like, hey, it looks good. No, he just sits there. He doesn't say anything about the haircut. He's just like, see you later. I hate this man. It's so weird. Yeah.

I am that man. You need to ask for a review after the haircut to get like a nice compliment. Oh, that's interesting. Create drama between him and the hairdresser. You know what you could do? Actually, this is a real option, Jackie.

Yeah. When he's when the hairdresser goes, you know what I really think we should do? I think we should just like feather the back a little bit. You got a little bit too much weight at the top. Stop. Go to the roommate and go. What do you think? That's great. Because I guarantee they got a really undermine the hairdresser. Yeah. But also if he's in there, then what you're saying is, I guess he's your partner.

And for the roommate, it's like, no, his ass isn't my partner. He's basically a hobo I let live here because I'm so generous. I'm the alpha in this weird little dynamic. And then you go, all I see is two alphas. I don't see a beta. So you want to die. And then you go to the guy sitting at the table and you go,

is light blonde the right color? And the guy goes, yeah, go darker. And then you go, maybe darker, Todd. And Todd goes like, he doesn't know what he's talking about. I like that. He's an idiot. That's a really good one. He's a fucking idiot. If you want to create a horror film vibe to get him out of the room, bring a doll. And while your hair is getting cut, cut the doll's hair with your own scissors. And act like a star. Oh my God. Jackie, we wish you the best. Go kick some butt. Good luck.

All right. Thank you, guys. Thanks, Jackie. Bye. All right. Bye. Bye. Bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt, and the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKeown. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio, and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

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All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.