73: You Are Not the Barber with Daryl Johnson and John Feitelberg 59:19

This season, Instacart has your back-to-school. As in, they've got your back-to-school lunch favorites, like snack packs and fresh fruit. And they've got your back-to-school supplies, like backpacks, binders, and pencils. And they've got your back when your kid casually tells you they have a huge school project due tomorrow.

Let's face it, we were all that kid. So first call your parents to say I'm sorry, and then download the Instacart app to get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes all school year long. Get a $0 delivery fee for your first three orders while supplies last. Minimum $10 per order. Additional terms apply. Getting the smile and confidence you've been dreaming about all from the comfort of your home isn't a total mystery with Bite Clear Aligners. Just don't be surprised if all your friends start asking, what's your secret?

Begin by ordering your at-home impression kit today for only $14.95. Bite Clear Aligners are doctor-directed and delivered to your door. Treatment costs thousands less than braces, plus they offer flexible financing, accept eligible insurance, and you can pay with your HSA FSA. Get 80% off your impression kit when you use code WONDERY at bite.com. That's B-Y-T-E dot com. Start your confidence journey today with Bite.

We are...

The show's had a big week. We've had it, yeah. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. A lot of new listeners. Yeah. And we appreciate you guys. We've been noticing, and we appreciate it. Before we get into the specifics of this episode, can I ask a question? Of course. Because you did allude to this on some of the calls. You were going in for Reiki, and you ended up getting Reiki. I did. It's a true story. And I just, to me, picturing you getting Reiki...

It was even weird for her. What's it like? I feel bad for whoever did it to you. This is not a joke, and I'm not going to go deep on this because I'm still not getting what happened. Okay. When did it happen? Last Thursday, I believe. Okay. All right. Maybe Friday. I can't remember. I went in there. She said, what can I do for you? I said, I'm here for Reiki, I believe. She said, why? I said, I guess I'm energy trapped that my therapist, who I like, recommended. I don't fully understand it.

She got a little aggressive with me, Garth. She did? In this moment? In this moment. Okay. In a dark room in her office. And she said, that's not why you're here, why you're here. And I said, I think I'm here for Reiki. She said, that's not why you're here. And she said, I'm a medium. There's a very dark energy around. Oh, no. You're not here alone. And I went, yibbly. Then, Garrett.

My wife went through Reiki, and the reason I did it was she did it, and it just shows how different our lives are. Hers was a wonderful experience that left her a little bit of a stomachache, but she really felt like it was great and clean and a wonderful experience. That's what I was looking for. Cut to, I'm not going to get into all the weird details, it was an hour and a half session. At one point, this woman has, I would say, 15 crystals on my body. Sure.

She's banging some weird gong near my ear. There's so much incense in the air that I'm thinking of calling the fire department.

I'm... My body is moving uncontrollably. What does that mean? Gyrating? Kind of on the table? And mentally, I'm just saying, go with it. Just whatever's happening, go with it. She's speaking in Spanish. Why are you gyrating? This is... That's what happens to my body. Every once in a while, I have like a... My lower body... So there is some effect of what she... Yes. Okay, amazing. Something's happening. Wow, I did not expect this. She's going... I'm now going...

Something that it wasn't right. It was a goddamn seance. It finishes with all I can describe is a spiritual climax in my pants. Afterwards, I go, I awkwardly go like, well, thank you very much. Do you validate? And she goes, just so you know, that was not Reiki. I don't do that anymore. It's too draining.

That is not what I do. And I went like, wonderful. I'm really glad I came. I was uncomfortable. I reached for my wallet. She said, you've already paid.

I go, okay. And then we made weird eye contact and she didn't ask me to come back. You mean there's a lot there. I know. We got to get to the show, but you mean she didn't want your money? No, I had paid before. Okay. I thought you meant she was like, it took a soul tax. But she did it. You know, those things that are always like, so now you got to sign up for this. You got to sign up for this. She was like, get out of here. There was a whole room of crystals. Leave. I thought she was going to try to sell me like 600 bucks worth of crystals. I would like you to go.

Well, we have a great show with the new lighter, Jake, who hopefully got rid of his spirit. Something happened. I don't know what I believe, but I know something weird happened in that room.

For me, I thought you were going to say you just were like, hey, here's your money. No, I'm a lean in guy. Yeah, but even that is like to be gyrating. But comedically, I'm always like, no. But when I'm in a room, when I'm in the situation, I always go, you're here and I'm here. Let's see what happens. Well. And it weirded out both of us. Oh. We both left afterwards being like, well, that happened. You drove by. It's a laser tag now. You're like, should we move? As I was leaving, she was putting a first aid sign on me.

We've got Daryl Johnson, who is helper one. Yes, he's I don't know if we should stick with this. But now that I've done Reiki, I guess I'm more sensitive. Sure. Guest helper. So Daryl is a guy who I'd seen in a commercial years ago. And when I started writing self-reliance, I wrote with him in mind. And then he was in Drunk History. I find him to be so funny and such a great actor. So funny.

Oh, he's just a killer. Great on this. And then Guest Helper 2. Yes, Guest Helper 2. We like calling him Guest Helpers. Obviously, that's sticking. We have John Feidelberg. He's back. He's back for Call 2. Yeah, we had recorded with him before, and he had really great calls. We're spreading them out. He is...

Hard funny. Yep. His podcast, KFC Barstool Sports, is great. He's got a very funny sketch show on YouTube called Out of Order. Yep. And great calls, great guests. And as always, thank you for liking, subscribing, all that stuff. We have a Patreon where we now take extra calls. Yep. Yeah. So, yeah, we appreciate everything. And without further ado.

Hi, how are you? Good, how are you?

I'm doing well. I just saw that Gareth is wearing weed socks. Oh, busted. What are you, a cop? Back off, Johnson. This isn't Let's Be Cops. Oh, hell. Hi, how are you? I'm good. How are you? I've been better, to be quite honest. I've got two guys looking at me like I'm not crushing, and I am. You're a player, and you crush a lot. Thank you. Can we get your name, please?

My name is Jackie. Jackie. And where are you from, Jackie? I am from Missouri. Missouri. Nice. Don't you know. And how old are you? I am 28. And Jackie, have you ever listened to the show? I have. Yes. Oh, thanks. Do you like it? Jake, what's happening? Yes, I love it. Oh, thanks. That really means a lot. We got a special one today. You're not just on with JG.

Nice. Which is a new thing, Jackie, that we're really trying to land. You're on with Daryl Johnson, who played my brother-in-law in the movie Self-Reliance. And it's involved in the bathroom scene, which I think is one of the funniest moments. And you were making me laugh that day so hard. My goal was to make you break. You did? Yes. I made the whole entire crew laugh. How long were you sitting there?

Uh, three days. Were they checking up on you and feeding you? No, just literally? Well, we finished after half a day. Oh, okay. He just didn't leave. Oh, you wanted to stay. It was comfortable. Now that's good if they've got those cushiony seats. Yeah, I get it. So Jackie, what can we do for you? The floor is yours. All right. So I...

I'm a bit of a predicament. I am stuck in like an awkward love triangle with two hairdressers that know each other. And I need to break up with one of them, but I'm not really sure who to pick or how to do it.

Okay. Keep walking us through this. This is a pretty interesting set. I like what's going on. Yeah. Me too. This is exciting. Yeah. There's a lot of layers to it. Yeah. So take over. The floor is yours. Walk us through it. We will interrupt. I'll do it quick. That's perfect. It would be weird if you didn't. Please use fake names. I don't want the real people feel bad. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I've definitely... I was a little bit nervous. I'm not sure.

So I definitely changed everybody's name, including my own. Okay. How'd you come up with Jackie? Yeah. What made you go to Jackie? Are you an Onassis fan? So,

So actually, Jackie is one of my really good friends who also listens to the podcast. So this is just like a little hey to her. Hey, Jackie. What up, Jackie? What up, girl? Two Jackie's in a crib. But I will say that detail now maybe removes some of the anonymity you were hoping for. But that's okay. Because everybody has a friend named Jackie. I got two friends named Jackie. Do you have all the Jackie's in your life? I have two friends, and their both names are Jackie Castillo. Both of them.

Really? Yeah. You have two, Jackie? Shout out to the weirdest story I've ever heard in my life. And dare I say, on behalf of the show, it's time to pick. I know. But we'll keep talking to you, Jackie, with the hairdresser predicament. So walk us through this. Give us everything. And take your time. Okay. Okay. So the back story is my husband and I have been seeing this hairdresser for years. We'll say his name is Todd. Okay. So you guys are a married couple, and sometimes you bring in a third. Okay. Okay.

Wait, hold on. Is that right? To do our hair. But to do the hair. Yeah. Just to do the hair. Yeah. This isn't a swinger call, is it? Oh, is it? No. Yes. Damn it. No? But Jackie, I just got to be clear because we get a lot of swinger calls. We do. You're literally just talking about these people do your hair. Yes, they literally just color and cut my hair. Okay. That makes more sense. And does Jackie, does the, and Todd, does Todd also do your husband's hair?

He does, yes. Okay. Okay. So you met Todd. Yes. So now we're clear. So Todd does you and your husband's hair, and the relationship was working. Okay? Yes. Perfect. Everything was going great. We've been seeing Todd for years. He's really good at what he does, but he's a little bit of a hot mess. So he actually used to date my cousin. So there's like a weird layer right there. Can we get a cork board?

Yeah, you might need one at this point. And so he used to date my cousin, but everything was fine. So we kept seeing him. And then all of a sudden he randomly decided to close his salon, move to a different state, go on like a eat, pray, love kind of

self-discovery journey. And so we were like, okay, that's fine. So since he was leaving, he recommended us to one of his friends, which is how he met. You gotta get your fucking haircut. That's right. So far, this shit's on Todd. Everything's Todd's fault as far as we're concerned. So Todd recommended you to who?

Or who? We'll say her name is Kelly. We'll go with Kelly. And I'm putting an I because she's a hairdresser, not a Y. I'm doing a Y. I like the I. I think that's unique. Yes. And there's a heart over the I. Go ahead. I'm spelling Kelly with a C. So what does everyone think about that? I think you should take your socks off, you drug addict. Okay. Jesus. I think you got to sober up. You know what? Listen, Jackie. You're a drug addict.

I like a little bit of weed. I mean, is that a problem? No, you don't. You smoke a lot in the last two years. And that was on Bert Kreischer's podcast. And later you said it got on top of you. Go ahead. I'm playing the part of Garrett. Back off, Jackoff. Jackie, keep going. That's great. Right back down. We got a fucking shirt. Back off, Jackoff. All right, I'm sorry, Jackie. Go ahead, Jackie. So Todd recommends you to Kelly with a C.

nice yeah kelly was a c so things you know we we switched over to kelly kelly i'm gonna be honest is not as amazing at doing hair as todd but it works it gets the job done and so we were seeing kelly things were going fine and then we got word that todd secretly moved back home because the whole self-discovery journey didn't really work out totally fine

but he was wanting to get his old clients back that he recommended to his friend. And so my husband immediately jumped ship and was like, I don't want to see Kelly anymore. I want to go see Todd. So he left and he went back to Todd and he was super excited about it. But then he was telling me that every time he went to go see Todd, Todd was basically like, when is Jackie coming back? I brought stuff for Jackie. And then on top of that, another,

Another weird layer is that because he sold his salon, he started cutting hair out of some random guy's house that he's staying with. And the guy who he stayed

staying with like will awkwardly sit in the kitchen and watch you like get your hair cut so it's like that by the way we're a big this for me is a big detail but by the way can i just interrupt and say i love you and this call oh it's great this feels like i'm sitting at thanksgiving dinner and somebody keeps putting different things on the the table yeah and i'm like and macaroni and cheese and

You know you're going to eat. This is such a rich call. Thank you for that and please keep going. There's a random guy in the kitchen at Todd's house. You're in some random guy's house. He's got big problems.

Yeah. It's real awkward, really uncomfortable. And, but not enough to deter my husband from going back. So the whole time I'm like, okay, maybe now I feel some kind of like weird loyalty to Kelly, especially with all of that going on. So I'm like, you know what? I'm going to stay with Kelly and see how it goes. Well, I must have jinxed myself because things were going fine. And then I decided to kind of like switch it up, but not really a whole lot in terms of like my haircut. And she like royally fucked it up. Like,

Like really bad. And explain the switch up. What'd you do? Did you get a Rachel? Yeah. Did you, did you change colors and length?

I just changed colors, but not even that. Did you get bangs? Oh, big move. I didn't get bangs. What'd you do, Jackie? What'd you do, Jackie? So I have, I'm a brunette, and I was added, I wanted to add a few highlights, just like a few here and there. Well, she highlighted my whole head. Well, that's actually, can we talk about, can we have one quick moment? That's not highlighted. Will you walk in front of the camera for a second? It's not highlighted if you do the whole change. These are not highlights, or these are highlights? Yes.

Yeah, those are highlights. So she just got some highlights. Well done. Thank you. Now get off! Oh my God. So highlights for the morons would be just some streaks of blood. So by the way, good call. You want a little bit of flair? Caitlin pulled it off. Yeah, Caitlin. And so what happened when Kelly did it? She fucked it up? So she fucked it up and she just like highlighted like the whole, my whole entire head. So when I left. That's fully dying your hair. My hair was.

Yeah. Like, like, like I was blonde. I wasn't a brunette anymore. Okay. So I was like, that is not, that was not the plan. And I didn't know what to do because my husband and I were actually supposed to take like our Christmas pictures two days after I got my haircut. So I was like, what the fuck am I going to do? Because my hair is not my hair anymore. So out of pure desperation. Ooh.

I crawled back to Todd and I had to have Todd to fix my hair because there wasn't, I just felt like I didn't have a choice. Ooh. Yeah. So this is with the weird kitchen guy. Damn. Yeah. With the weird kitchen guy. I also didn't realize that you're fucking Joe Pesci from these. Yeah. You are savage. You're a killer. Yeah.

You said, will you fix the mess that Kelly made? And that's what Todd wanted to hear. So he could say in the kitchen, this was a terrible job. Todd's smoking and he just goes...

I knew you'd come back. Yeah, and you came back at the end saying, I fucked up, I fucked up, you're the master. You sure did. You came back with eight heads and a duffel bag. Yeah? Yes, that's right. I did. So what happened? Was Todd just fucking living it? So Todd is going to fix you. Now, is the weird guy in the kitchen when Todd's doing this? Where else would he be? So thankfully, at my appointment, he had gone out to dinner. So I did not see him.

You're doing an 8.30 at Aeroflot? You have to get your hair cut when you can get your hair cut. That's a good question. Jackie, why are you getting night cuts? Night cuts would be a great business. Because that's what I had available. So you just said, well, what's nice about them is you're just texting for a night cut. Yeah. Not a lot of us have that. I don't have anybody I can text that you do. My barber used to come to my house at like 8 or 9 o'clock at night. Really? Mm-hmm.

What would the text be? Well, it's because he's always late. So it would be a 6 o'clock appointment. A 12.30 PM, like 8 or 9 o'clock. So to me, that would be so wildly crazy if somebody else was like, hey, can I get a cut at 4.30? And they're like, how's 9 PM? I'd be like, why don't you fuck off? Well, because he's also cut at night. He's coming at my house. He's coming to me. So I don't have to do anything. I'm going to be at home. But then all the hair goes on the floor. Oh, I hate that element. I clean it. Oh, I hate that element. Because I don't want anybody else to clean it.

I'm going to sue your barber. Hold on. Yeah. Somebody comes to your house, cuts your hair and leaves and you're left with the mess. I mean, I just got a vacuum. He cleans everything else. Hair's like glitter. It doesn't go away. That's not true. Part of the going there, it's like going to a restaurant and then having to clean all the dishes. Yeah. It's very, very good. My barber was a mobile barber, so he didn't have a shop. So he came to me. All right, Jackie. So you went to him, you got a night cut or night dye and how'd he do?

He did great. He fixed it. It was like magic. All right. So, Jackie...

Where are we? Is that all caught up or is there more back? Yeah. So that's really the whole backstory. But now it's like time for me to make an appointment. And Todd thinks I'm coming back to him. But Kelly, there's a small layer with Kelly. I was actually supposed to go see her last week. She got sick and canceled the appointment by like the grace of God because I still hadn't made a decision yet.

And so she's also waiting for me to reschedule. And I just don't know what I'm going to do. Well, Jackie, you've got a decision. And so question for you. How big is this town? Yeah. Are you guys going to bump into each other? Maybe, but probably not likely.

Is there a price difference? Yeah. Is there any price difference? Is one cheaper than the other? I will say Kelly is a little bit cheaper than Todd. And she has a place. But also, you get what you pay for. But she also fucked it up. Yeah. But only the dye job, right? Yeah, but she ended up... Yes, but she ended up paying more because she ended up having to get Todd as well. Okay, so...

Darryl, where are you at? It's a very simple solve to your dilemma. It's not funny, but it's go with Todd. Everybody has a chance to fuck up. And when you fuck up, that's it. When it comes to a hair, especially with women who have very long hair and they're very attached to it, there is hair trauma that happens. So you've got to get it right. And a bad hair dye, that's your way. And so how does she deal with Kelly?

uh kelly i'm not coming back to you no more uh you fucked up and then you hang up the phone because you don't owe kelly nothing you paid every one of your bills i actually think you owe kelly less honestly garth where you at yeah i here's the element i don't like is the guy in the kitchen yeah that to me is a real bad red flag for me it's a big problem if i'm going somewhere and i feel like i'm being it's like a voyeur thing yeah that's a problem for me so i would say oh

Sorry. No, that's okay. No, go ahead. You're the guest. But can Todd come to you? That's my pitch. You got two people who want their haircut. Yeah. Right? You guys get your haircut together from now on. Yeah. You figure that out, and you say to Todd, we want you to come to our place, and you have him do it in the garage or something like that so you're not living with hair memories. Missouri gets cold. Jackie, what do you think about, do you want haircuts at your house?

I will say Todd has come to our house before, like randomly and done our hair. So it has been done before. And what do you think? I'm open to that idea. Okay. Yeah. I think I'd be okay with that. Um, uh, what else you got Garth? Anything? Uh, that I just, that's it. I would just have Todd do the house call because there's two of you and I don't think you owe Kelly shit. Uh, really fast. Caitlin, could you go on Mike? Do you mind, uh, as a woman who's gone through this highlight? Well, I had one other. Okay. What would you do?

- I would go with Todd because the kitchen thing is kind of weird, but you usually, when you find someone you like, you just kind of stick with them. I've only gone to like one person, so. - In your whole life? - Yeah, well, I did start dying my hair until like maybe two years ago, so. - So you would stick with Todd. Kevin, where are you at?

I'm Todd. Wow, for Todd. But bring his little friend into the convo. I'm curious about his story. No, Kevin, get off mic. Kevin, get off mic right now. Kevin, put the mic down. Kevin, you know things are bad when I'm telling you to stop talking. I like that he brings his little friend in his convo. No. Yeah, bring him. Garf, you said you had another one? Well, what you could also do, my initial idea was let's have a competition. Let's have a hair-off. A hair-off. But that...

Probably can't happen. And they also kind of had it. You kind of did have it, unfortunately. But what you could also do is you could leverage the lower Kelly price to try to lower the Todd price. But this is the same thing. You can't negotiate with barbers. You can't negotiate with nannies. You can't. So there are certain jobs you can't nickel and dime because they'll go, okay, yeah, you're right. You got me 20% off. And you go, congratulations. I'm now cutting hair at a rate I don't like. So now you're getting a 20% off haircut.

And you can't do it. And that's where you go like, hey, I want you to watch my newborn, but I'll pay you 50 percent. And they'll go, then I'll let the baby cry. And you go like, well, I'll be at work. I don't know. And the baby can't communicate. There are certain roles in life. To me, that works. I also I have another pitch, please. How about you have Todd do it for you?

Have Todd call Kelly and say, you know what? I got my client back. She's not coming to you no more. You fucked her up and I had to fix it. Daryl, I like that a lot. If you do that, could you do it on like the Maury show? Yes. I like that a lot. Let's call Sally, Jesse, Raphael, get her to get her show back. The results are in. The results are in.

You are not the father. You are not the barber. So I like that a lot. Yeah. Because if you feel like you're leaving Kelly hanging, that's how Todd gets you back. Yeah. I'm going to say no on that, Jackie, because the idea of Todd calling Kelly could get really ugly. Now I got to ask you, Jackie, because you're the star of the call. Yeah.

What do you want to do in your heart of hearts? We're talking about your hair. This means a lot to you. We know it. What is your gut telling you to do? Mama, lead us out. What do you think? I think my gut is to go with Todd. And the only thing I think that made me nervous about was the kitchen. And he seems to be like a flight risk sometimes. And he might be, but it's worth it. Yeah. But then Jackie, if he disappears again, you know what you do?

You call Kelly and apologize and you want to know what she's going to say? I'll take the money. Yes. Yeah. And then you say, I was honestly, if he's gone, I was guilted out.

I felt bad. He kept saying to my husband. I think that's fine. And I started with him and I had to go back and I'm sorry. Yeah. And not enough people talk about the eat, pray, love that's cut short that ends up just being the eat. Yeah. Which is the sadder one. Yeah. Pray, love. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I like to go eat, pray, love and only eat and I'd be like,

Okay, I'm good. I'm going to go to Detroit and do my eat. Mine is eat, watch TV, head back home. I do an eat, why God? Those are good. I do an eat, watch TV, miss everybody, get really bored, get lost on the highway, just head home, fuck this shit. Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, sleep, poop.

Get weird on the Internet. Regret it. Eat. Pray. But like to my weird version, realize it's not praying. It's talking to myself. Yes. Get weird on the Internet. Get weird on the Internet. Eat.

comma, wife mad, comma, oh shit, I forgot to get my kids. Oh shit, those kids will suck at school. Comma, come up with three bad ideas. Try to convince people it works. Comma, lose faith in ideas. Comma, send an email I shouldn't have. Comma, drink. Comma, oh no, shouldn't have drank. Comma, stop in Sedona, see a vortex or two. Comma, drinking a lot. Comma, been drinking a lot. Comma, get back into a weed phase. Comma, say I got it handled this time. Comma, say, well, I only have a hit in the morning and then coffee.

Comma, I'm shouting, I've got this handled. Comma, start drinking and let the alcohol get on top of me. Comma, say things like, I deserve this. Comma, rehab. Comma, now I'm shouting, I deserve this. Comma, eat. Comma, get into working out, get hurt so fast. Comma, eat. Yeah.

Comma, realize I'm balding. Comma, should have stretched. Comma, maybe look online for weird like sprays that you just like spray paint the top of your head. Comma, bought a spray. Yeah. Comma, spray didn't work. Demanding my money back. Shouting I'm worth it to some operator. Comma, see yourself naked in the mirror and realize you look like a big toddler. No. Comma. Comma, break glass. Comma, eat. Comma.

So I think our kind of thing to you, comma, is go to Todd. If he disappears, then crawl back to Kelly. Jackie, are you going to do it?

Yeah, I think that's the route I'm going to go. And get the house call. While you're at it, get the house call. You have a little bit of leverage. Yes. And apologize to Kelly. Just be like, Kelly, I'm sorry. I got to go back to Todd. I would. You're saying. I love you, Kelly. I think you're great. I avoid the Kelly. No, I think you have to because, like you said, if he is a flight risk, you might have to go back to Kelly. And one thing I know about hairdressers, if they got fucking ego. Yeah. Yeah.

You know what? I agree. If another person, oh, you're going back. Okay, I'll remember that. And then when he flakes again, she can be like, nah, bitch, go to Todd. Are you going to bring it up to Kelly or are you just going to disappear and risk what happens if Eat, Pray, Love happens again? Right. I feel like I agree that honesty is the best policy and she is waiting for me to reschedule. So I feel like if I just keep it light and just say like, hey, I'm

This is the situation. It is just Todd is coming to our house now. It's just easier for me to get what she goes. Jackie, I'll come to the house.

I just don't feel like she will. But you're putting yourself in a vulnerable spot. That's true. Plan for that. Plan for. Have an idea of what to say when she says, well, I'll come to your house. Or have three people helping you. Or we do the hair off. We do the hair off. You get them both over there and you get half your hair cut by each. And there's a time that we see who does it best. Would you ever consider doing a hair off?

Because I love a hair off. I mean, a hair off would be great. I feel like... Half and half. It's definitely like a Victor Victoria situation. And we all kind of judge the hair off. And then you go like, case in point, the right side is way prettier. We could fly in. We'll do commentary. Yeah. I think I like this idea. Jackie, good luck to you. Like we always say, we're hair to help. Boom! And the call can't be peaked.

And Jake, we are brought to you by Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscription, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills so that you can grow your savings. We've talked about this before. We've both had multiple things we did not know we were still paying for. That's

That's part of the business model of some companies where they're just like, hey, sign up for a week. You'll be good. And then like two years later, like without in mind, sign up to our Patreon. We're never let Rocket Money call you out for it. So Rocket Money has over five million users and has saved a total of five

million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year. And you could just use that on our Patreon when using all of the app's features. So stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash help. That's rocketmoney.com slash help. rocketmoney.com slash help.

And we're also brought to you by Babbel. Jake, we've talked about this before. Babbel is the science-backed language learning app that actually works. Saves you money. You don't need to hire a tutor. It's 10-minute lessons, handcrafted by 200 language experts. Helps you speak another language. So,

I spoke French when I was in high school and all that stuff, and then I had completely forgotten it. So I used Babbel and French is coming back. As a matter of fact, the other day I was in Toronto doing a show and talked to a French person from the stage.

Gareth, give us a taste of what Babel has helped you with with your French. Je m'appelle Gareth. J'ai étudié dans l'école française pour deux ans.

Babbel helps. It really is so easy. It does not take very long. You can do it anytime. So here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get 60 percent off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at Babbel dot com slash HTH. Get up to 50. No, get up to 60 percent off at Babbel dot com slash HTH. Spell B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash HTH. Rule and restrictions.

This year, Dell Technologies' back-to-school event is delivering impressive tech with an inspiring purpose.

With every qualifying purchase, Dell will donate to ComputerAid, who equips solar community hubs with tech and AI literacy skills to empower remote, displaced, or disconnected communities around the world. This is your chance to empower people globally through AI access and digital opportunity while upgrading your tech now powered by Snapdragon X series processors for game-changing performance and to power efficiency.

Help Dell make a difference. Shop AI-ready PCs and get free shipping on everything at dell.com slash deals. Purchase any PC monitor between $715.24 and $911.24, and Dell will donate $1.75 for each eligible product within your purchase to ComputerAid, capped at $1.2 million total. For details and restrictions, go to dell.com slash deals.

We're having the best time. Back on. We're here to help head go. Cutting it up. Jake Johnson. Terrible start. All right. All right. All right. Relax, everybody. I'm sorry. I'm hot. Caller, can we get you? Well, first of all, great news. You're on. We're here to help America's number one podcast. You got Jakey J. You got Gareth Reynolds. And you have our guest today.

a man who had dinner by himself last night just to do the show, John Feidelberg. John, thank you for being here. Thank you guys very much for having me. I am truly honored. And John, you said you're a fan of the podcast. Does that mean you listened to four episodes to prepare for it or you've actually listened to a bunch of them? I started listening to it to prepare for it. That's what happened. But that was a couple weeks ago, a month or so this has been. Most of our listeners are people we say we're going to book and then we just get them to listen and then we cancel it.

John does KFC radio with Kevin. Yep. They've been doing it for a decade. At least. Yeah. A long time. And I love it. I've been on it a bunch. I think it's as good of a show as it gets. It's great. As hosts, you guys are killers. Thank you very much. Thank you for joining us. It means a lot.

for having me thank you all right all right caller now to you sorry about that I love you interrupting and going like fuck off hey you were right you were right do you guys remember the premise of your show yeah okay do you guys want to comb each other's hair anymore and tell each other how great your nails look I got a problem here you clowns you're the best what's your name please

I'm going to be using fake names, and I guess you will see why. Okay. So I'm going to go with Ashley. Ashley. John brought his own notebook. We love it. Ashley, age, where are you calling from?

I'm 24 and I'm calling from Michigan. What can we help you with today? There's no like real, the best way to say this. So I'm just going to come out with it and then I guess we'll go from there. Great. So I walked in on my grandpa watching porn and, you know, having a fun time with himself. This is great. This is, this is, this is...

I don't, and Ashley, I don't want to set the bar too high, but this might be my favorite call opening I've heard. This is, I love what I'm hearing. Okay, so keep walking us through. So were you living with grandpa? You staying with grandpa? Cause I'll tell you what will never happen to me. I would never walk into my grandmother masturbating because we don't have space like that together. Yeah. Yeah. There's space. Like we don't live in the same home. Set the scene. How did this happen? You've, you've got us with the log line.

Yep. So my mom and I, we were taking my grandma out to a store to go buy her a new rug. And this rug needed to match her couch perfectly. So we were out the store and grandma was like, I need someone to go back to the house and get, I don't know, like, I think a lot of elderly people have this like

couch cover on like the arms of the couch understood yeah that's like the same pattern so you were so ashley you were sent home as a kind of like a little errand chore to get more details let's give grandpa a name should we call him grandpa joe grandpa steve what do you want to call him grandpa gareth i don't think we want to stay away from

What are we calling Grandpa? Do we have a name for him in your family? Like Papa, Na-Na, Gaga, something like that? Yank, yank. Usually we just call him Papa. Papa. Papa. As a Papa boner. So Papa truly believed he had about an hour to himself. Yeah, he was going to take advantage of it. Y'all are rug shopping. My feeling is at that age,

He's never away from grandma. Papa and mama are always near each other. And mama's always talking about that goddamn rug. It's a perfect combination. Nana being like, I just need a rug that matches his couch. And he's like, I just need 20 minutes. I just need you to go get that. And we're both going to be so happy. I keep getting done. I just need 15 minutes. Real quick. Don't we all relate back to that time when you were a teenager and you were going to have your home to yourself for a minute?

Like the pushing to go on the errand, you'd be like, hey, go get the rug. Shut up, Jake. I don't like it. I would set alarms in high school to get up early to start downloading Born on Kazan so when I got home, it was ready.

So we relate as men to the idea that an errand is like, as he's waving goodbye, you're like, sweet grandpa, but in his head, he's like, I know what scene I got. I got a feeling you relate too. We can live in this world of men are from Mars, women are from Venus, but from doing this show, we have learned very clearly women are also from Mars. Oh yeah, yes. So Ashley, keep going. You're out rug shopping.

You're going to go home. You're going to figure out a color scheme and then walk. What happens? Yep. So I got to the house. So the house is kind of,

It's three levels, but it's still a smaller house. So you can still hear everything and pretty much see a lot, sadly. And he was on the third level. That's where the computer room is. There's like a desktop, you know, all that in there. And I walked in on the first level.

And, you know, he's old. He's in his 80s. So he's first of all, God bless. I was just going to say, what a testament. Yeah, it's awesome. Just yanking that taffy. Yeah, it's still working. You don't know that. Well, I think it is. Well, even we'll find out. Maybe it's just yanking around that Tootsie Roll for fun. He doesn't care about the images, Gareth. It's not about finishing the race. It's about racing.

As soon as I walked in on the first floor, though, since he can't hear, he had the porn on full blast. And what are you hearing? You're hearing just regular like, uh-uh, or is there something weird going on? No, definitely several women. Several women. Really? Yeah, you got to spice it up. There was multiple. I could definitely tell. Yeah, well, it's harder to launch a rocket, so you got to have more scientists. That makes sense. I was curious what kind of porn a grandfather watches. Agreed.

Reverse A-Bang is the answer. So several women together. You're hearing all the voices. You're walking around this house. We don't... We can assume. Well, no. Just for people... Someone's probably driving right now with their window down just to ruin their day. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

I think you have mission accomplished. So to all like the moms right now with like, who've written in like, I, you know, I put the kids to bed or I drop them off at school and I do chores. They're all like, Oh, for fuck's sake, get this air out of my ear. Yeah. Um, so, and dads, God bless. So you're hearing multiple sounds of women on level one and two. Then what happens? So I tried, uh,

slamming the door like three or four times very loudly so he would like know, okay, someone's in the house. I need to stop this. Hey, Ashley, your job was to look at a color scheme and leave. Yeah. I don't know why you're beating pots and pans. Just get out of the house. Yeah. Yeah. It's called trauma probably. So, but to Jake's point, you just don't want him to masturbate. You're like, shut it. You want to shut the project down. Yeah. Yep.

Okay. Oh, interesting. That's a bold choice. Okay. Yeah. But that's true. But actually, that's true. When you heard it, you thought, he's got to know I'm here. He's got to stop. You did not think, I got to get out of this burning building. Yeah. Yep. Okay. Not all heroes were capes. I still had to retrieve this thing. Oh, I get it. You're on the first floor making noise because you need to get closer to the action. Yep. Yep.

You need to get into that room. Now I'm with you. I would do the same thing. Okay. Yes. Right. Okay. Yep. So that didn't work. So then I was like, okay, I just need to like make a run for it. So I ran up the stairs onto the second floor. I grabbed the thing I needed. But then on the way back, he saw me and I saw him. What did you see? Yeah.

I saw him rambling to get off the computer and standing up. He was trying to get off at the computer, but go ahead. And then he whipped his shorts back on. It was really weird because he had like a normal button up top on. Oh, so he's porky pigging. And just like...

Work at Top Party. Yeah. That's like a mismatch outfit. First of all, I just want to say on behalf of the show, we're sorry to you, Ashley, and we're sorry to Pop-Up. Yeah. This is a bad situation for both of you. John, what do you got? You're saying? I think I'm more sorry for Ashley in this.

Pop Pop has the easy out that he's not going to be around for much longer, so he doesn't have to think about this. Ashley's got to think about this for 50 more years. That's an interesting take. Pop Pop's gone. If that was one of his thoughts, that would be where he's like, God damn it, I got caught by my granddaughter. Well, I'll be dead within 15. As well as, this wine ain't going to marinate too long. Spoonful of sugar, you know? Yeah.

But it's also, it's not a steel trap anymore. So he might forget about this in two weeks. Ashley, this will be with you forever. So Ashley, you see him, he's scrambling. Then what happens? So he walks out of the room and comes to talk to me. And yeah, I know. When a man loves a woman.

Multiple women. Multiple women. And doesn't love him at all. Desires him. When a man desires countless women to nurture him. I was trying to measure the couch in penis lengths. And so what does he say? He was just like, uh, uh, hi, and then said my name. And then I was just like...

Oh, hi, grandpa. Sorry, got to get this for grandma. Got to go. And then I ran out. And then did you tell mom and grandma? Nope. Nobody knows in my family. The first thing I did, I shouldn't say that. The first thing I did after I called my brother. Fair. Siblings are different. You got to experience this and you need to suffer too. And I told him. And so I agree that your generation could know and laugh forever about it. You can't swallow this grenade or it's going to kill you.

So second of all, I think it's smart to call in. Let's get this off your chest. This is a weird one. I also think it's really smart you didn't tell mom and you didn't tell grandma. Agreed. No reason to shame this old man. Absolutely not. As John says, he's nearing the end of this marathon. He's at mile 22 and a half. He'd be homed up in a second. Yes. So you tell your brother, then walk us through. Guys, do we just want to take a vote on whether or not we think he went back to it when she left? No.

No. I think we all know. Yeah, we know the answer. What is the answer? He did. Oh, he went back. He did. No way. Yes. Yeah, he did. Oh, come on. He did. Not a chance. He did. No way. You guys are 100%. Yeah. He was caught by his grand... Well, he's already paying the bill. Eat the dinner. I feel like when you're 80, it takes a while to get into that mode. Once you're in it, you're like...

I would say in reality. I mean, I was on the first floor for a while. Yes, but we don't even know if he was in the game in terms of in the game. He was just watching the videos. If you get caught by your granddaughter, the last thing you think after that, in my opinion, is like,

Let's finish what we started. That's an after orgasm problem. I think the first thing you think is, no way she comes back a second time. Yeah. Well, and also, even if, I mean, not that I want to. One of the other lightning strikes twice here. That's crazy. So remember when I said at the beginning, you two guys are a good match for each other? Yeah. I'm looking at fraternal twins. Yeah. Yeah. We're good guys. Look at you guys' faces. Oh, I already looked.

I already pegged it. This was, honey, I'm pregnant. All right, well, bad news. What? Twins. Whoa, that's maybe good news. Boy, girl, what is it? Two boys. Pop, pop, pop. Send one to the West Coast. We're going to give one up for adoption. Yeah. Jesus Christ, they're both doing podcasts. So at the same time, I would say most people are going, no way.

What do my two twin sons say at the same time? Hey, lightning doesn't strike. Finish the job. Finish the mission. You remember Bill Murray and Rush Moore, his two little sons who were the wrestlers? That's my POV right now. How did he get the fucking this? All right, so Ashley...

So Ashley, you leave, you tell your brother, where are we at then? And how does this get to what do we do now? Is there another turn on the story? No, not really. So I just kind of locked it away since it happened. So this actually happened around, I would say two years ago. How's it going health wise?

He is still with us. He's still with us and alive. Okay. I'm doing still okay. Good. Yeah. But since this event has happened...

He left your grandma, has a new wife who's like 24 years old, and we're all going to go like, what the fuck, Papa? Lives in Chadwick. He's doing pretty good. It's been just odd between us. I wonder why. Yeah. Okay. So question for real. Is it odd from his end or is it odd from your end? Yeah. The question is, like, what should I...

do about it. I definitely think I should not say anything. I feel like it's going to be locked. Right. Yes. You keep this locked in the third floor. So the question is now, what do you do now? Is the goal because you want to get back to a normal relationship with your grandpa? You want to get away from the weirdness? How specific can you get in the what do I do now part of this question? Yeah. So like we, since that day, like we barely even hug each other. Oof.

This is a sad turn. Yeah. Ashley, not to unearth trauma. When you see him, do you just picture that moment? Do you picture him with the member out with the shirt on? Not all the time. I would say when we're in like a group family setting, no. But if it's just like me and then, yes, it will just lightly sometimes pop in my brain. And I'm like, no, no, no. Get out. Get out. That's.

That's so tough. It's hard because there's really two options. There's the, look, you've got to figure it out for yourself, like a way to just kind of come to terms with it. Or you've got to, like, Grandpa, look, it was weird. It happened. It's okay. I want us to... So what are you pitching? You let him walk in on you. No. I don't know. I don't know.

He's not going to admit to this pitch, but his first pitch was recreated where you're watching a video with a bunch of guys in his house. He walks in, you scramble, and small talk. That's called the mirror technique. Listen, it's eliminating. Oh, man. So now there's... Oh, man, indeed. Yes. But I...

My gut is to say something to him. That's my gut. My gut is to go, when you have a minute, just go, Papa, I love you. Hold on. Gareth, will you sincerely be Ashley? Yes. John, will you sincerely be Grandpa? I sure will. Do you want any other backstory on Grandpa? What did Grandpa do for work? He worked at a newspaper mill. Cool. Cool.

Okay. Okay. You ever serve in a war? He did. He got all his fingers? Yeah. He does. Is he a man who's gone down the road of staring too deeply into the bottle at times? He is not a drinker. Interesting. I'll tell you what, I was real in his head. I'm out now. Yeah. I got to crawl my way back in. John, you're an actor, right? Recalibrate. You got to find it. Ashley, here is a legit pitch.

Gareth is going to try his hardest to be you here. And here's what he would say he would do. And we're looking for notes from you after if this is reality. And this is just a rough script for you. If you like it, you can use what you like. Let's see what we got. All right. Okay, everyone left. Hey, hey, pop-up.

Hey, Ashley. Hey, how you been? I feel like we haven't talked in a while. I've been pretty backed up for about two years now. How about yourself? Good. Better. Well, that... Sorry, I'm your brother. What the fuck do you mean backed up?

I mean, I'm horny, Rick. We might have to recount Grandpa. But what a run. What a run. We think Grandpa might fully be porn Grandpa. What a run. This is John's fantasy of Grandpa. Rick, I did three tours in the world. All I've seen is pinup women. Have you been on the internet?

They come to life, kiddo. They come to life. Man, it's like I'm right there. I swear to God. I'm just doing this to the ads on the side. All right, so we're going to try again. Let's make Grandpa more of a traditional grandpa. Jake, good note. And I'm Rick, your brother. All right, here we go. Here we go. All right. Hey, Pop-Pop.

Hey, Ashley, how you doing? Good. Rick's here, too. So keep it in line a little bit this time. How you doing, Grandpa? You fucking weirdo. Yeah, all right. Yeah, Grandpa. So, Grandpa, listen, I'm not sure if you remember this, but I do. Remember a couple years ago when Nana wanted the rug to match the couch? You remember that? I have a vague memory. Okay. Well, anyway, that day I came into the house and I saw you while you were in the middle of something. Do you remember that?

No. Okay. This is real life, Ashley. So he's going to stonewall you. A hundred? This is going to happen. Okay. So look. Excellent. Excellent job. Nope. Don't remember nothing. What are you talking about? You goof. It makes my role harder. It does because it's real life. So I saw you with your shirt on and your pants off. Hmm.

And I think you're doing something. I just want you to know that it's fine. I want our relationship to be as good as it can be still. So I don't care about that day. If you remember it or not, doesn't matter. But I just want to go back to just being like your regular granddaughter. And I love you and I don't care what you do. And I haven't told anyone. And if you remember it, you don't remember. It doesn't matter. I just want you to know I love you. And I want to feel like we have as normal a relationship as possible.

Ashley, I'm going to be honest with you. I was going to stonewall you and go a different way with this, but that was really great. And I do remember it. And thank you for telling me it's okay. We're living in bullshit world now. That came from the heart. I was like, I was going to go another way, but you're like, you tell me it was okay. I got to jump in that to me from the outside. I feel like you're putting yourself and your grandpa in a world of trouble.

I think the first answer that grandpa gave there, when you would say, Hey, uh, grandpa, do you remember two years? And he goes, no. And then you'd go, I walked in and I saw you doing something. He'll go, okay.

Okay. And you go, and I just want to let you know that's natural and we can move on. He'll go, okay. Then he would walk in the other room and go, I need to murder myself. Life is over. My granddaughter just admitted to me she caught me masturbating. Maybe this might be the other way to run into the fire is just to be like, you want to go out to dinner one-on-one with him. So what I was going to say is this. I was going to call it the lunch. Okay. And I was going to... Love the title. Thanks. Hollywood Johnson. The lunch. The lunch. The lunch.

And I was going to say, say to him in advance, hey, grandpa, can I take you out to lunch next Saturday so that he's got a thing? He'll go like me and grandma.

No, no, just you and me. And then he's going to have a little bit of like, it's been a little bit off between us. I know she's probably going to bring it up at that lunch. You don't bring it up. You just say you make it really fun. You have questions. You keep the conversation going. You ask him about his past. I used to do this with my dad, but I would pretend we were doing a podcast when we were together and just ask him questions about his history.

So just sit down with him and go, so when you first started your job at the newspaper thing, what was that like? And he'll go, it was a long time ago, honey. You go, I'm just really interested in you. Turn it into ask about his childhood, ask about everything. So you leave and he goes, well, that was the sweetest lunch I've had in all, what a special granddaughter. And you're now past it. Yeah, I mean, now he's no longer thinking, he's like, she took a real interest in me. She doesn't think of me as a piece of shit. Because what he might be thinking is, I

I love this fucking kid. Me and this fucking tootsie roll between my legs have ruined it. Another predicament you two got me into. And he's looking back at it and he goes, I've been mad at you since 1951. In 1957, you fucked me. In 62, you fucked me. In 81, you fucked me. I hate this fucking dick. I love my grandma.

my granddaddy we don't want him cutting it off so let's not take him all the way there but i think that's pretty good and if you wanted to do a couple like nods to the fact that you'd maybe you know allude to why this is how you could order like the jerk chicken stop and then when you eat it you could go you can't beat this meat something like that john you got you got anything uh near this or anything different that jumps to the top of your head

I mean, my gut is always Barriott. As a guy who's been caught before. Yeah. I've been caught countless times. Have you? Countless. Heavens to Betsy, yeah. Heavens to Betsy? Countless times? It sounds like the grandpa. Heavens to Betsy if I've been caught. I would venture to guess...

Countless. But yeah, I've had four siblings and I had two parents. People were coming in and out. And no one ever brought it up. And look at me now. Totally normal. So I'm going to change my path here. I would bring it up.

Feels like that's the right, yeah. But if you're going to go, I like you. Honestly, it really spoke to me, your angle, too, where it was just like, I feel seen and I'm represented here. But I think both those are good. I would have 100% said bury it until you said it's been two years already. So this has been eaten. Yeah, that's true. This has been eaten for a long time now. You buried. You did bury it. He tried and it won't stay dead. No, it's a zombie. Yeah.

This is a zombie memory. That's interesting. So, Ashley, you got kind of three things. Gareth's first one was the mirror technique. The recreate the situation. He traumatized you. Fucking traumatized his ass. Showtime. Showtime. The second one is the lunch thing.

And that is you go out and the third one is you tried to bury it, but it didn't work. So some variation of bringing it up from John. Yeah, correct. Yeah, I would go with I would bring it up now. I bring it up. I'm a firm believer in Barry. But two years in, it feels like we got that means you got a zombie. You want a wild fourth real quick? Yeah. Get him like a flashlight.

Just be like, Grandpa, I see you. I love you. I help you. Okay. So we're just about out. Third floor jacking is the username. Ashley, we're just about out here. Now we got to go back to you. Are you going to do the mirror? Are you going to do the lunch? Are you going to do the bring it up? Or are you going to do the gift?

Jake's titles are awesome. I would definitely lean towards the lunch. Okay. I like the lunch. Definitely safe and the least awkward option. I think so too. And are you going to actually do the lunch or are you going to think about it? Because you might not have another five years to plan this lunch. Yep.

yeah i do have to say i'm not sure how much time is left sadly but go at it hey actually well well for any of us kid for any of us if if we're if we're not sure how much time is left i'm back to bury it because there is still we're not talking about a 17 year old kid what we're not talking about a 17 year old grandpa he's mid-eight but it sounds like he's a little sicker now yeah and it seems like

There's the chance. It's the smallest chance in the world, but there's the chance he's convinced himself that you don't know. Agreed. And he's, you know, we've got a couple months left. You don't want to kill the man. I can see the awkward vibe.

Well, the lunch is a version of burying it. Agreed. The lunch is not only burying it, it's the celebration of the burying it. Yes, yes. It's saying, not only am I burying it, we're dancing on the grave. It's the party at New Orleans. New Orleans style. It's not a quiet burying. I'm sitting alone with these. It's saying, get the brass band, get the necklaces. We are partying. It's over, Grandpa. So, Ashley, in closing, you're going to do the lunch? Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Would you maybe email him or however he communicates and get that going so that the lunch is happening a week from now? Don't let this build. You got to attack this lion. Yeah, I can definitely do that. Okay. And will you follow up with Kevin how that meal went? Yeah, let us know. Yeah, I sure can. We appreciate you, Ashley and John. Good luck. Thank you, buddy. Thank you, John. Great acting. Yeah, thanks. Thanks, Ashley.

Hungry Root. Hungry Root is the easiest way to eat healthy. They send you fresh, high-quality groceries, simple, delicious recipes, and essential supplements. Hungry Root gets to your personal health goals, dietary restrictions, favorite foods, how much time you want to spend cooking, and more. And I understand that our former hunk with a little chunk...

who now is just back to hunk, is a big fan of Hungry Root, as we all are. But you have a little story, Kevin. I've for years have been looking for a meal delivery service that caters to vegans. A lot of them do not have a vegan version. They're closest they have is a veggie. And those aren't

really that good. I literally Googled three months ago, best vegan delivery service, Hungry Root popped up. I have for three months had it delivered for, I get a box of five meals a week, every single week. I love it. Super easy to make. Lee and I have a blast making them. And you've never looked better. I feel great. Yeah. Highly recommend it. I'm a huge fan of Hungry Root.

We love them. And right now, Hungry Root is offering, we're here to help listeners, 40% off your first delivery and free veggies for life. Just go to HungryRoot.com slash HereToHelp to get 40% off your first delivery and get your free veggies. That's HungryRoot.com slash HereToHelp. Don't forget to use our link so they know that we sent you. We are brought to you by Hero Bread Lines.

we love hero bread here in the show. Love it. We love the bread. We love the tortillas. It's, you know, it's one of those things where, yeah, and you know, you kind of try to like cut bread out if you're trying to eat healthy. That's kind of one of the first things to go. And then think about it like summer barbecues, all that stuff. And you're going like, eh, I don't know. But they have all, they have now made it so that

not only is the bread way healthier for you and you should not feel bad, it has protein in it, you should not feel bad about eating it. It is just as good. I mean, it tastes, it's just, you are not missing bread when you use Hero Bread. So yeah, and like we said, nutrition, the tortillas, they fit your health goals, all that stuff. So all your favorites, no consequences or compromises, zero to one grabs of net carbs, zero sugar, high in fiber, just delicious. So-

Keep the carbs out of summer without compromising flavor with Hero Bread. Get 10% off your order at hero.co and use code HELP at checkout. That's HELP at H-E-R-O dot C-O.

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Booking.com. Booking. Yeah. So people are traveling a lot during the summer. And if you're looking for a place to stay, go to Booking.com. Stylish hotels, family-friendly resorts. I told you yesterday, Jake, I was driving back on a brutal trip.

drive and needed to get a hotel on the fly for one night and bing bang boom baby booking.com i'm booking a family trip to new york as we speak and i'm using booking.yeah

Truly just makes booking a place to stay so easy. So go to booking.com and get yourself a great place. The right stay can make you a fan of any U.S. city. Book today on booking.com on the site or in the booking.com app.

Enjoy.

Enjoy. Hey. Hi. So we don't know who this is, but we know it's a follow-up. You mind taking the lead a little bit? Sure. I called a little while ago because I'm trying to crush a watermelon between my thighs and my wife is not happy about it. Well, first of all, hold on. I got to say something to you.

Word has it you make the rounds on podcasts, my guy. How many of these you done? What's your name again real quick? Oliver. Oliver, that's right. Because you're all over podcasts. So, Oliver, how many of these have you done before we get into this? Only two, and it was you and one other podcast. That's not a lot. It's not a lot. We're still furious. People on social media overreacted. How'd the other one go?

It was good. It was good. Yeah. It didn't have fucking Max Greenfield on it. Okay. Oliver walk us through where you're at with the watermelon, with the training and with your wife's reaction to your beautiful endeavor. So if you remember, I'm making a, I'm making a documentary about the whole thing. Fitness wise, I'm in the right place. I'm confident that I can do it. Uh, it's been logistics recently. Uh,

Per your guys' recommendation, actually, we've rented out a farm for the documentary for a certain segment. Awesome. So it's been about it coming together to finally do the actual crushing. Okay. And I remember other recommendations we had was just crush mushy melons to get your confidence up.

Yeah, the plum was a big hit when I showed people the episode. I'm very confident I can crush a plum. I think so. And how's your training been? And how's your wife's reaction been?

It's been good, and I even think that my wife has come around a little bit on it, at least to the melon being crushed in the kitchen. Okay. We've introduced the idea of a Home Depot tarp going over the kitchen, which seems to have smoothed things over. Of course, yeah. You'll find that goes a long way. And then when is the day the rubber meets the road, Oliver? When are you going to crush the melon?

Because you can't talk about it forever. You got to eventually put that big thing in between your legs and squeeze. So we're going to start shooting before the end of March. Okay. This is great. Right now, it's a logistical thing because I want my wife to be out of the house while it's going on. Fair.

I have a buff friend coming over to stand in the background for a bit. I feel like it just comes off as really, really like a lot. Yeah, it's happening in your home. I don't disagree. I don't think you're going to want her there. Well, you and another buff guy squeeze melons between your legs, my guy. It might be a good idea to be sweet and incentivized by, you know, giving her a day of doing something she wants to do.

You know, like whether you go, I don't know. I mean, I don't want to be too on brand, but, uh, you know, if you want to go get, ever get a massage or have a day at a spa or have a manicure or something like that. Yeah, no, that's a great idea. Maybe have her go buy a shop vac, but you're starting early March. You're starting the doc. And just to be clear, the doc,

Is a training thing at the farm? Like a rock. So we're going to, we're doing a training segment at the farm, um, where I'm going to go there and crush some less than ripe melon. Okay, good. Um, some mushy melon. And then I have a, I actually have someone on the doc who's going to, he's done it before. So he's going to kind of advise me on it. Is this a thing that people do in the, is there a community of you guys?

To my knowledge, it wasn't. So I saw this one guy do it. I reached out to him and I said, I kind of feel like I could do a more ripe, larger melon than that. He challenged his ass. Was he an old timer? And he said, not a chance. Yeah.

Only mentally, only mentally. Okay. So you're going to be doing it. You reached out to this guy. He's your mentor. He's in your corner. You're Rocky. You're going to go to Russia, AKA or Siberia, AKA the farm you're going to train. And when do you actually pop the melon? What date is that? Uh, we're hoping March 24th, my birthday. Oh, I love it. What a lovely day. Yeah. Will you please let us know how it goes?

Yeah. Can I ask you a question? Oliver, are you since you're documenting this, do you have a title? I'm still sticking with Melons Beware is the best. I've also heard Yippee-Ki-Yay Melon Farmer like Die Hard 2 when they played on TV. You could also call yourself the Melon Man. The Melon Man. Melon Musher. Melon Musher is good.

We got to workshop all of these. I'm going to throw them up on the board. So do us a favor, man. If you film what you're doing on the 24th, we would love a clip of it. We will obviously continue to push. And a follow-up. And a follow-up. We'll obviously push your documentary for you. But we'd love to know what happens on the 24th, man. We'd love to do a follow-up. We'd love to hear that. But there's one caveat.

No other podcast. You're exclusively signing a deal with Weird Health. Is that fair? All right. Fair, fair, fair. You guys will get the first follow-up. That's fair. Thank you. Wait, wait, wait. We'll get the first follow-up. Yeah, you were political there. You just pissed Kevin off. The only follow-up.

Ours has to air first before it's like, until ours air. This is like the Leno Letterman battle. We need the star first. You're not going to go do another podcast. It's interesting that you went instantly that you were Leno. Oliver, thank you for the call, buddy. Good luck to you. Good luck. Hey, thanks guys.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeon. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com.

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.