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Hello America!
and the world. Okay, go ahead. Hurry. Hurry. Hurry. By the way, I love that as our new start. Hello, America and the world. Well, I mean, we know where our bread's buttered. Let's stick a little bit with that. Hello, America and
the world. Well, we are America's number one podcast. And because I look at the analytics and nine people in Taiwan. I know. We're really trying to get that Taiwanese crowd up. But whatever, probably one person who listens on nine different platforms or that son of a bitch has told a few friends. Yeah. Yeah. So we're now speaking to those in Taiwan. No. What's up? Yeah. Thanks for listening. Yes. You guys are a cool group of friends. Yeah. We plan on coming there. We're going to tour based on our numbers there. Oh.
let's keep going. By the way, the guy who books Australia tours for me, he was like, you reckon Jake could walk to Dobey? I was like, that's going to be harder than you think. We have a great episode. This woman is funny. I have known Annie for a long time. Annie Letterman, who is our guest, and she is just
She is the funniest. I felt a little nervous around her at the beginning. She's because she has, she knows her kind of brand of funny and she brings it to the show. Well, I like her a lot. Um, you can follow Annie on Instagram. Annie Letterman, I'm sure is the, the social, uh, she's always on tour. She's got a great podcast called Annie would, uh,
But she's a killer. And you did Annie Wood. I did. I've done it twice. The last time I did it, as you'll hear, there was a consistent theme of my tooth being gone. I'm English. It happens. But she's great. And so listen, share it. Tell people about the show. We feel it. And then Garfman, you said you had a little plugs, a little special something for our audience today. I do. America and the world.
That's right. Absolutely. In that order. I have a show on Adult Swim that's going into its second season called Royal Crackers. Actually, Andrew Santino is a voice on it. Andrew Santino is hilarious on it called Royal Crackers. You can watch it on Adult Swim. The new season, the second season, is February 29th on Max. And are you a writer on it? Yes. And a couple of voices. Not as many as we'd hope. I don't know.
Kind of a hoop steal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, they're like, this guy canceled last minute. And I'm like, let's go. Get my little digits on that. So the name of the show is? Royal Crackers. World and America, check out Royal Crackers and without. Do it. Further ado. Let's go.
Hello. You're here on mine. I know I'm one degree, I'm two degrees away from a property brother and I'm about to fucking lose my mind. Or Johnny Bananas. I get the ads for you being here. I don't care if you know me. Let's get all your money, baby. Money's mine. Welcome to the podcast, whoever you are. You're on with Jake Johnson.
Show regular. And you're on with Gareth Reynolds. Show regular. And you're on with the great comedian, Annie Letterman. One of my dearest, dearest friends. Is that true? Oldest, dearest friends. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we go way back. He kind of went, ah!
No, we'll tell the origin story later. Yeah, we can't tell another story. Thank you for being here. Thank you. Caller, can we get your name, your age, and where you're calling from? Sure. So I'm going to go by Sally. Hi, Sally. I am 33 years old, and I live in London. London? Where are you from, though?
I'm from Boston. Boston. Why'd you move to London from Boston? Honestly, great job opportunity. And you'll probably understand a little bit more. But from my it was a good time in my life to make the move. Well, Sally, it's related. We're intrigued. Take over enough with the breadcrumbs. Where are we headed? What's going on?
Okay. So, um, a couple, I was once engaged. Um, we broke it off a couple of years ago and, um, he, he owed me some money. So we opted for me to keep the ring and then I ended up called it square. Um, so I'm finally getting around to selling the ring and I reached out to loads of different jewelers and only one of them asked in the email exchange, like why I was getting rid of it. And, um,
for whatever reason, I said it was because my fiance died. Probably not the best move, but, you know, trying to get the pity price and just needed to just
Disclose that. That is something that I said. Okay. That's not going to change it. A jeweler is not going to go like, well, this was $6,500, but he died. But this is like a nosy jeweler. What jeweler asks a follow-up question? May I see the certificate? This is like gossip central. May I look the body down? Yes. Okay. So...
All right, keep going. Yeah. In hindsight, I should have just ignored that question. But anyway, a week later, I go to the appointment at this jeweler. And who opens the door, but not what I thought would be like a very overweight, balding 68-year-old, but like a hot 30-something handsome man. A hot jeweler. But, okay. Yeah.
But why the, but what? It seems like such a weird gossipy. He might not be into you. Oh, wow. You might not be as tight. I might not be as early to make that joke. All we got now is deals in diamonds. Okay. All right. So he loves jewels and he loves to gossip. Uh-huh. I see. I see. Maybe I see the direction. I'm just guessing. No, he's, he's for sure giving straight man vibe. Okay. And how,
How can you say that, Sally? What are straight men vibes? Hold on. Is that Sally? Jake's got those. What are you thinking right now? Sally? Sally, I'm on the couch. We're the mean ones, yeah? Yeah, we're mean. We find a victim on an island and we poke it to the dead. So, Sally, what do you mean by hot guy vibes? Can you describe that to Annie? All right.
The straight man vibe here is just like, I could tell that we had some chemistry. Okay. So he's a little flirty. And a woman's intuition is rarely wrong. He's English? He was a little flirty, yes. And you're a hot Boston babe. We know what's going on. In another country, so your accent's really hot. You've had a man want to pledge his life to you before. Yeah, exactly. You're a hottie. Yeah, yeah. And he passed away for doing it. He died. You were so hot, he died. And so this hot jewelry, you walk in, you guys are giving each other vibes. You're like, fuck, he's good looking. He's thinking, fuck, she's good looking.
Then what happens? So I'm wondering, how can I shoot my shot with this man? With the deadline? When our whole anything is based on a lie. How do you buy? It's not an insignificant one. That's interesting. And so I just want to get...
get your thoughts for it's tough how to proceed i will be just so you know seeing him in approximately um three to seven business days boy so the question is how do i how do you buy back the lie uh question before we how do i shoot my shot so sally before we get into it thank you for having a clear question i like the setup a lot walk us through what happened when you went in there a little bit
So when I got there, it's in one of those jewelers that's on, you know, it's not a ground floor like pawn shop kind of place. It's like a custom jewelry place. Yeah, it was one of the legit places. And, you know, I just got there, opened the door and there's this like
Harry Potter who is welcoming me to the room. You lost it. Sally, you lost Annie. Annie, why'd you get lost? Harry Potter. Harry Jeweler? What do you think, Annie? I'm out. And for this reason, I'm out. Okay. I'm out. I'm sorry. I don't want her. I don't want you with him. But this isn't a show where we go out. He's a thief? It's not like the boy. He's a thief and he's a nerd. No, no, no. He's a thief and he's a nerd.
and he's a nerd and I can't stand it. And Annie believes him to be gay to be quite frank with you. He's a gay thief nerd. He's not for you. But just the premise of this show is it's not callers come in and we say we're out. You don't pass. It's not like chat roulette. So Annie, we're in. You're in. I'm
So even if he's not your type, we've got to figure out how she shoots. Also, I'm a little surprised. What is so gross about- Does he have like a scar on his face? I'm like, what is he? He seems like- No, no, no. He's got his dance. He's like that. He's probably like, you know.
you know, six, two brunette, handsome, nice smile. And his name is Harry. So the only part of the Harry Potter is that his name is Harry. Okay. I don't want to be like Harry Potter.
Harry Potter is a child. I agree with this take. It's a little boy magician. It's a little boy. It's a tiny magician boy. Oh, stop. There's a lot. Yeah, I agree, actually. You're allowed to find. I think I speak for the show when I say you're allowed to find a little boy magician attractive. Speaking of, Annie, the engineer's club back there, that little engineer is Gareth Reynolds in the blue. Oh, is that true? Were you a little model? That was before I was epic. He had the same amount of teeth. They came out a lot harder.
OK, so so you're going to see this guy again now is your plan basically like at this rendezvous you're going to want to ask him out or get some contact or do a follow up to some extent.
I feel like we're living for the plot right now, right? So like, I should probably ask him out when I see him. And I'm like, thanks for the like, you know, thanks for the money for the cash. Did you tell him how long ago? There's a big reaction, though. Why? Of course there is. But I don't get what? What's the thought? What do you hate about this? Desperate? What do we say? I want your advice. Like, give it to me straight. What should I do? Why did you break up with your fiance? Yeah.
Oh, that's like a whole long story that's probably... More sad than funny. Yeah, there was some mental health issues involved. Oh, good girl. Not yours, right? Even better if it was yours. No, not mine. Oh, good girl. You have self-respect. Can I just say something? This is a hot take. It's not your job to take care of someone else's mental health. So the minute I hear the diagnosis, good day, good luck.
Well, if that's the case, I quit the podcast. Oh, Jesus Christ. Jay. But listen, but listen. So you have self-confidence, okay? Yeah. Not to be rude to the ex, but you have self-confidence. So, and I'm not saying asking a guy out is wrong, but. Neither. As a guy, I think it's nice.
If a girl walked up to me and I was a jeweler and she go, I go, here's 12.5. And she goes, thanks for the money. Now give me your number. I would go, you gotta be fucking kidding me. Three, two, three, four, four, five. What's yours? Yes. You're good with numbers. What's yours is a fucking killer first love. So Sally came in hot for me and said, here's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking I get the money. I asked this guy out. Honestly, my instinct on that was.
Was we're going in the right direction. You went like this. Ah, desperate. Well, I just feel like, okay, if he's giving her vibes, why not go in and like drop some hints? But I'll tell you why. Because if it's the place of your business and she said that her fucking fiance did, and I'm going, here's 12 five. If I hit on you, I'm going to hit on you.
I'm putting you in a bad spot. Right, she's a victim. But also, you just came in there to get jewelry. You didn't want some fucking creepo Harry Potter guy. Okay, because if you want... Listen, if you want to be in a relationship with a guy, if you want to bang this guy, you go in, you hit him, you do whatever you want. So if she wants to bang, what does she do? You go in, you say...
I think there's a Family Jewels joke in here. There's some sort of line about, let me see. Let me see your balls. Let me see your balls. Yeah, that's a good one. I love that one. Thank you for the 12-year-old beauty. Let me see your balls. As a girl, okay, I used to have a card when I first started comedy that said, I think you're hot, but
Most I just want you to follow me on Twitter and then I would have my Twitter thing and I would like give it to people. And then if I actually thought they're hot, I was like, you don't need to follow me on Twitter. So I always had that kind of you had a bit to start it moves. What's good about that is that it's kind of like you set yourself up with a little bit of a low joke. Yeah. So why not? Why not this? Why not? Why not say why not plant the seed when you're in there with Harry and just be like, hey, you know, I don't.
I'm just laughing because I'm like, is it Harry Winston? Is it like... Oh, no. Isn't Harry Winston like a huge jeweler? Is he? I don't know. I don't know. Look at Jake and I. You think we have any idea? That isn't totally a brand, but that's not who this is. To be honest, I think he might. Sadly, I'm so much closer to Gareth at this. Don't try to divide us. Jake is a piece of shit. Just, no, nothing. Just trash. Same clothes every day. So why not say to him...
Like, why not throw out there the fiance died a long time ago? Or if you're trying to, if you want to date this guy, if you're like, I think this is like a family business, this guy's cool. He's like, I want to be in this thing. Then you have to go in and you have to be so hilarious about how you lied about this husband. Okay, so Sally, question for you. You have to go hard in there with the truth and be funny about it. Yeah.
So it's cleared out now because if you actually want to date him, you can't. What are you going to later be like? Sally, what are you looking for? Are you looking for a date and seeing what happens? Are you seeing a future with this guy? Are you just looking for a little bit of fun? Where are you at? You're trying to get your ring sized. I think a date and see what happens. OK, so so I don't think you talk about the dead fiance. I don't think you do either. You know what? Yeah, I would do a follow up. I would I would try to have a charmed experience while you're in there with him. Get a little bent. Yeah.
They say on Love Island. Then I would email follow up and ask him out that way. Lower stakes. Sort of to your point of like handing a card. It's not like as direct. It's a way to sort of see if there's a vibe without having to eat shit in front of him. So I liked Annie's card, right? So I think you're hot following me on Twitter. And then if you like him, then you say, don't follow me on Twitter, but I still think you're hot. Just slide your number. Or we have a great fucking starting line from Garf. What was that? And that is,
you're really good with numbers. I think this is a fair deal. And he'll go, I like to keep it fair. And then he'll go, she goes, so with that in mind, what is yours? And he goes, what is mine? What? Your number. And then she goes, in terms of what? And he goes, you could say,
Harry, I'm trying to tell you here, I want to take you out. I'm trying to tell you, 34 double D. Sally, thoughts? All right, well, I already have his number because in the UK, everyone uses WhatsApp for everything. So we've already been messaging on WhatsApp.
This is the answer. Okay, then you get your money, you send a puss pic, you're done. There we go. I don't think that's the answer. Just spread it out. And then if he writes back, who's this? Who's this? Didn't save you. Who's this? New phone. Let me appraise. Who's this? New phone. Has there been any flirting going back and forth on WhatsApp at all or no? No.
No, it's been mostly like, hey, will you like this person is interested. Here's what I would maybe do after you go get your cash. I would text them on WhatsApp and say, hey, thanks again. When I'm in the area next time, where's a good place to get a drink? And he'll go, oh, I like going to this place afterwards. I say if you're going to have the guts to do it in fucking person. All right. That's the other. Yes. If you're going to do it, have the guts to. Now you're making a bold move. She's a lot. OK.
She is a liar. We love you, Sally, but you have lied to this man. So it's like at this point, I have a plan. And it's fine. It'll be fine unless you end up marrying him or something. It's going to be rough later. It could be funny in bed to say. I think I would do a reveal. I would do. I would do a reveal. I would do a reveal. I would do a reveal later. Yeah, but later. But later. Right.
now get we're just worried about getting into the castle yes exactly get him into the pyramid later after sex one night you go like i didn't expect this to be serious can i tell you something funny now the truth is he might not laugh yes but at least you've got past the finish line at this point and so i would say sally we're all kind of near the same thing you can go to whatsapp you can say hey you want to get dinner you want to do this you made the big lie right
You want this guy. You went to his place of work. You're going to see him in five to seven days. Have the fucking guts to look him in the eyes and say, I want to take you out my treat. And guess what? With the twelve five, you got me. You pick the fucking restaurant. Yep. And then you could say, and I'm going to tell you why I want to spend this money because I lied. My fiance is not that we just broke up and I wasn't supposed to have this money. So I would love to spend some of it on your fine ass and I'm ready to spoil you.
Men don't get to hear that. I would say, I mean, that's a nightmare, but I would say then you're just, you're a sugared mama to a guy who owns jewelry. You're a rich man. Okay, what would you take? You've just put yourself in a position where you're now taking care of an incredibly wealthy man. That's pretty good for Harry. By the way, you're right. And when you put it that way, I regret buying it. I love saying it. I thought I was going to get a win. Gareth was in. No, I wasn't. Okay, so...
I say you go to him. You look him straight in the eye. Wear something so hot and slutty. Walk us through what it looks like. What? Walk us through what she's wearing. Well, what's your style? What's a sexy look for you, Sally? Yeah, what's like your sluttiest outfit? If you're going to go dress to impress, what are you wearing? Sluttiest.
Oh, I mean, to a jeweler, probably not a crop top, but to the club, a crop top for sure. So why not wear the fucking crop top to the jewelry? I thought Long Legs would want to play those up. Tell them you're looking for a belly button ring. You got a diamond one? No, listen, I wear crop tops all sizes, all times. Wait, hold on, really fast. You might have hit something. When you were talking about flirting and having him ask, you're doing the purchase, and then you say,
uh, Harry, I'm looking for something else. I don't know if you have anything in mind. And he goes, what? And you go, I'm looking for a piercing for here. You lift up your stomach and then go, what's better, the top or the bottom? And he goes like, well, they most, I don't know, but it's mostly on the top. And then go feel it. See if the skin's right.
Then if he reaches over and goes like, oh, for right here, I have a... He's going to feel there's going to be a spark. Or if he goes like, I don't know, that's not what we do. We just sell diamonds. But you're now saying to him, but you're saying I'm entering the world? Yes. It's a way to make an offer to see without his reaction. Now, I want to up the ante. Let's go nipple ring. Up the ante. Let's go nipple ring. Up the ante special title. Just pull his head out. Make sure the nips are shaved.
Let him find that out too. Let him find out about the nipple and the lie about the dead husband. - All right, go ahead. - Okay, I was thinking maybe you go like this. You go to get killed two birds with one stone. Like get him nice and horny for you and also tell him the truth. Go, I wanna tell you more about how my ex-fiance died and just look him straight in the eye and go, I fucked him to death.
And then just walk out and see if he wants to. I'll tell you what, he's not going to follow. I don't think you will. I think he's going to be less is more. What I would do is I would ignore the fiance death part. Yeah, I would just try to get a date on the books. And then I would. And how do you get a date on the books? You go like this. You go, oh, that's great.
Boy, I really appreciate all your help. That's awesome. I'm probably going to go get a drink around here later on tonight. Is there somewhere around here to do that? And he'll go, oh, yeah, you've got to go to the clock and Duncan's. And then you go, oh, that's great. Oh, the only problem is I don't have anyone to do it with. Would you want to join me and see what he says? Desperate. Whatever. Desperate. Okay. I have to ask you guys. I've been shot down so many times. Okay.
But it's not you're a man, that's your job to be shut down. Barely. Listen, I'm not trying to be like gender norms or whatever, but like, okay, so what has a woman hit on you, come to you and set a line that has gotten you to ask her out on a date? I don't know if there's a direct line.
But you don't have to. That to me. All right. OK, real quick. Then we got to go. What would your you give me one pitch on what you would say? Seriously, what would you say? I've given you my I had my I had my line. I used to do I used to be really. Yeah. Yeah. You would do the I would be like, oh, I had I had a I was in line at a coffee shop once and there was this like really tall Australian guy. I didn't know he's Australian. I just like I was like, you're so hot. And he's like, you're hot. And then it was like, OK, so.
Like I would do that. I mean, it's kind of interesting. It's not bad. I wasn't looking for like a relationship in that. So Sally, here's where we're kind of at. You could do the vibe where you say Gareth first line, which I still really like. I do too. You know, you're really good with numbers. I would love yours. And then if he goes like, I already gave you my WhatsApp, you go like, I'm in a dangerous zone now. So that is problematic.
Right. He already has the number. That is problematic. Annie said something that I think is really interesting, but it's bold and you need guts to do it. Show up in a fucking crop top, be talking to him and talk about how you might want a piercing. She has guts. She has guts. She lies. She lies. Liars have guts. Liars have guts. But you talk about how you, you don't know, but you might use this money for a piercing. You say your belly button so he has to look at you, go like, or I might go crazy and get a nipple one. So he has to then go like, a nipple one would,
Be great. Just pull that titty out. And if you pull the titty out, you're in a whole new world. You could also do Gareth's move, which feels a little sad to me. And that is later tonight I'm getting a drink. Do you want to get one with me? That's possible. You could do my move, which I was confident until Annie hated it. And that is I got some money and I want to spoil you on it.
Let me take you out to dinner, big boy. But then but then she's the one in charge. And then at dinner, you could also say, I was just kidding. I was lying. My fiance is not dead and I'm not paying for this. That's both of these things are crazy. It's crazy that you thought I was going to pay for this. So, Sally, where are you at and what are you going to do? What are you thinking? I will say on this one, we've given you some pretty bad advice. Yeah. And I would I would hold the reveal. That would be my hold reveal for sure. But Sally, where are we at here?
You know what? I do have pretty good abs. So I think I'm going to lean into the crop top joke. Let's do it. Yeah. Right. Because I'll tell you what, if you don't have the guts to ask him out and you're in the crop top and it's flirty, then later you text him on the WhatsApp and you go, thanks again. Really great meeting you. Yeah. And that's because he is professionally probably not allowed to hit on you or maybe he can't, but it's like, but you want, you still want it to be his move.
So go in really hot. You could also, after that rendezvous, text something along the lines of like, hopefully another fiance dies so I can come back and sell you another ring. Oh, yeah.
Danger. For sure, danger. You can say, I said he's dead to me. Sally, how about this? That's actually really funny. I said he was dead to me. You go like this, I just want to clear something up because I feel a little bit bad. I did mean dead to me, but he's for sure alive. He did have a schizophrenic break, so the man I knew before...
I wouldn't. Too real. It's too real. Your hair is not going like, oh, yeah, boner. So, Sally, why don't you do this? If you're going to do a WhatsApp follow up, will you send us a screenshot and just let us know what happens? I think he just wants to see your cell. If you send a post back, it will be so fun. It's great for the show, but it's terrible. So we got to go. Thank you.
Okay, yeah. I'll send you a screenshot assuming all goes to plan. It will. Go for it. Wear that crop top. It is the move. Yeah, thank you. It's fun. Thanks, Sally. Dress like a slut during the day. God bless. Thank you. Gobble, gobble.
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Hello. Hey, thanks for living in a box where you have a phone and calling us from it. Can I've been kidnapped? Oh, my God. My problem is you have anything weird in the box we could talk about. We're way better at stuff like that. Maybe sit on your knees.
Do not sit on your knees. Can we get your name, your age, and where you're calling from roughly, please? Yeah, I'm Heather calling from Colorado, and I'm 30. Hi, Heather. Where in Colorado? Near Denver. Sure. That's not necessarily a location. Come see me February 30th.
16th and 17th or 17th and 18th. Well, that reveals the secret guest. You've got Jake, you've got Gareth, and you've got one of the greatest comedians performing today who will be in your area, Denver. 16th and 17th. Annie Letterman is joining us. Thank you, Annie. Heather. Here we go. All right, Heather, what's going on? What can we help you with? All right. So my mom is a wonderful grandma to my 10-month-old, and she gets on the floor and plays with him, and it's lovely.
except for one thing which is that she likes to play those bouncing game songs and instead of putting the baby on her knees like most of us would she puts the baby on her hips and kind of thrusts upward oh god oh my god oh god i've seen this from older moms and older grandmas i have seen this
It's not appropriate. It's not the only one that makes me feel better. It's not okay. Heather, I'm 100% with you. It is not appropriate. It weirds out everybody. And they feel like they're in this asexual galaxy. But you're just saying like, honey, the rest of us are still sexual and it's disgusting. This is a true gilf. This is a true gilf. No, sadly, it's the opposite. It's gilf moves for a non-gilf. Oh.
It's a guilt. I'm assuming your mom kind of has some moves, right? She must. All you got to do is lift the hip up and down and it's moves. So Heather, basically your mother, instead of using her normal part of her body to bounce your child is making it sort of a humping motion. This is trouble, Heather. Yeah. And you got to talk her out of this. Yeah.
I don't want to call it humping, but it is. It is humping. It's air thrusting. We need to look this problem in the eye and call it what it is. You've got a mother who's humping her grandchild. No, it's different, Heather. So you're talking about she puts the baby above her, like on her hips, but above the crotch. It's pubis. But the kid has no idea what's going on. They're in a seat. So the kid's on the Venus mountain. The kid is sitting on the Venus mountain. Lower stomach, right here.
Okay. And so the kids look in this way. So for the kid, lovely. Well, what are you going to reverse cowboy the son? No, but here's the problem, Heather. It's not that you're putting, they're putting the kid in a bad spot. You're putting the others in the room. Yes. Right. I was just seeing grandma. We're fine. If it's side saddle, we're fine. I, I,
The problem is, is if you're Tether, your husband, and you're watching TV and grandma's got the kid and you're at this angle, I'm going like this. Yay. For fuck's sake, Nana. Yay. What if it's like, at least she's not like, you know. What? On top.
True. It could be a lot worse, obviously. So these seem to be other pitches now. Maybe he's bouncing her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe that's the move. Maybe you suggest in that direction and go, would you mind mounting more than anything? I think you guys, your mind's in the gutter and you should be more worried about your mom. As Gareth
knows there's hip issues with mothers. That's right. That's true. So here's one way to fix the problem is you have your husband put the grandma on there and say, do you feel comfortable with this? And he thrusts her around and she goes, I didn't like that. And he goes, I doubt my son does either, but you're doing it to a one-year-old and you got to call it. The son loves it.
I gotta, I gotta, I gotta admit, what if she's on top of your husband and she goes, I love it too. Well, you know what I like as someone who's, I'm engaged to a younger man and I like that because you're really just 11 years. You're creating, you're creating a, a,
a fetish that is really good for future older women. That it also that is a slippery slope, too. But you could pitch it like that. I mean, just go up to him. Just be like, we don't want him to love gilfs. Come on. We want him to be able to have kids. How about this? How about if next time your mother is over?
Your husband does the exact same thing and he fakes an injury. And then you parlay the fake injury into, gosh, his hip is really messed up. I wouldn't do that anymore. What if we say I, one of my favorite comedians, uh, mothers just had this crazy hip problem.
Not bad either. I'm actually worried about what you're doing. I would pay so much money to see Pam do this hip thrust. Jesus Christ. You could just take the rocket money and put it right into fucking Pam's account. That felt like a sucker punch. I was listening like, all right, where we go? And then it was like, oh, you're right. Honestly, I felt bad because your eyes were sweet. They were doughy. Mostly he looks at me like. I was like, there is a lesson in what my mother just went through. Not that one.
So hold on. There is something I think really good here, Heather, and we might crack this early. You can't have your husband do it to her. You can't say, Ma, it looks like you're fucking the air and it's inappropriate. You're going to put grandma in a really tough spot. She's in heaven right now. She thinks she's doing God's work. Oh, she's grinding away. Yeah, she's just a little happy humper and she's as happy as it can be. Grandma's a grinder. I like that. She's grinding. God bless her. But-
I think where we're going on this is the idea of, hey, mom, be careful. And she'll go like, oh, I'm fine. And go, no, I saw with that motion. You got to do your knee because women's hips are going out from and she'll go, oh, and you go, mom, I forbid it because she starts like twerking with the baby. Is that better? But you said, I forbid it because I don't want you getting hurt.
I think that might. I think that's. Come on. That might be your best play. You cannot tell her what everyone's thinking. Even though grandmas get real mad when you tell them they can't do stuff. I agree. But grandmas also like when you show because I care about you so much. Right. Because your health. Because guess what? Grandma's afraid of her health. I agree. You know what her biggest joy is? Putting that little boy on her stomach and humping the air. I thought you were saying interrupting their daughters while they're talking. Oh, that's just my mom. Yeah.
Talking about themselves when they're... Oh, speaking of my mom, I got a new thing for this one. She said, my mom doesn't like our podcast anymore. Why? Tell her why. You and the other guy are getting too wild. It's better when the guests talk.
She's getting wild. But she goes, you know, I called her the other day and she goes, you know, I tried listening again and I just fell asleep. Wow. Moms are so, but that's why you're a star. Yeah, that actually is so true. My mom, Jake has that in him always. Will not give me any, it's like, my mom's a really good artist. I'm an artist through her. I'll draw like something and everyone in my family will be like, this is like amazing. And she'll say, my mom goes, mm.
You decided to do that? I was drawing my hand. She goes, I just don't like hands. I'm like, you don't like hands? It's a tough thing. I would make it look, and then, but she would reject it. And then I would start, like, then all of a sudden, I'm putting more shadow. It's like, the hand's coming off the page. And then my mom goes, my sister-in-law's like, Annie, this is like crazy. My mom goes, I just, my sister-in-law goes, it looks exactly like a hand. My mom goes, I'm just not into like photo realism. Oh.
That shit does drive you crazy. Or it makes you work harder. It makes me work harder. Because you know what I think when we're doing, I was texting him this morning, we got to, not the same old bits. My mom's going to fall asleep listening to this one. Yeah, I got to work harder. I can't believe she's now falling asleep. We're too wild and now we've overcorrected?
I got to tell you, hard to please the woman. Yes. I do have to give you guys some compliments. Random people in my life, my sister-in-law's sister is like, they went out to eat. She goes, my sister-in-law was telling me about her new favorite podcast and it's your guys' podcast. Is that true? It would be great if it wasn't. That wasn't the end of the story. I thought because she's a killer. I'm like, mom's going to get me here. Loves tiger belly.
That's right. So Heather, I think we've all kind of got to something pretty clean on this one. And that is you have to lean into the idea that she could get hurt. Go ahead. Well, one of two options. Do you tell her you're worried about her getting injured the route of you've seen it? Or do you have your husband or you have your husband fake an injury? I think the fake in it, there's a lot of steps.
and then she could go like, well, I do the hip thing. I don't do it like that fucking creepo. I think you lean in and you say, mom, I love you, but I love you too much to allow this to happen. You got to do it on the knee. And she'll go, no, it's fine. You go, mom, I'm putting my foot down. Or you just go, mom, it kind of looks gross.
Also an option. She'll be also an option. We'll be shame, but she'll she'll never do it again. Another option. I'll make a video that you can show her where I'm talking about how they're skyrocketing numbers of hips getting popped out of sockets from grandmothers doing this. Or even grosser.
Gareth will make a video doing it. I'll do it. You want to see what you look like, Mom? I'll do it. Try humping a child. That is an option, too. And that's great because there is a child in the room. That's me. It's just a picture of Gareth. So, Heather, in closing, what do you think you're going to do here? How are we going to stop Mom from doing this? Yeah, she is very nervous about hurting herself. She's constantly...
something going on. So I think that's the move and I think if she gives me pushback, which she might, I think then I just have to say, well, I'm forbidding it because it's a little weird. And give her a chance to
to take the bait. And if she doesn't take it, we got people. I like that. Can you do us a favor before you end this? Put Pony on when she does it next time and film it? I would like you to film it on your phone and send it to us and we'll blur your mom's face out. Please. So we can play during the ad. Yeah. Feel a little poke coming. And maybe play that. What's the song? Well, I was pitching Pony from Magic Mike. But you remember the other song? Yes. Yeah. What's the other one? I can't remember what it's called. The poke song. You know, they're like dancing to a close.
Close. I think it's too close. So could you do us a favor?
Could you film it and then we'll play it during this? We'll take a break and we'll put a song, a sexy song. Is that okay? And here's the thing. It'll go viral. She'll be humiliated. She'll never do it again. No, no, no. We'll blur her face out. You're internet famous. And if you have any, and what we're trying to do is just keep Jake's fucking mother a lot, like awake and listening to this. Wake up. Eve, time. The show's still going. It's wild. I love you, mom. Don't listen to her. Your notes are right, mom. Your notes are right, mom. What?
Well, Heather, keep us posted. We would love a video. But either way, good luck. Okay, I won't see her for a little while, so I don't know if I'll be able to get it. You can do it. Oh, my God, he's going to be so much bigger. It's going to work so... He's going to be so much bigger. You can do it. You can do it. Oh, mom's not going to be around for a while. This hip thing is going to work. Yeah, he's gaining weight. It'll hurt her hips more. Keep fattening the kid up for this. Have an obese...
Morrie child, please. Lots of pudding. I have not seen just a big old kid in a while. Really threaten the hips. It's like a kettlebell. My algorithm sucks. What is your algorithm really fast? It's just death. It's like, you know the things where it's like, it'll be like a picture of people, like four people and then the beat will drop and then it turns black and white and then there's just a, there's like an angel over one of them and they just say when they died. My algorithm is in such a fucking hot zone right now.
What do you mean? Send me things. I got into a weird run of seeing weird bands from other countries just playing on the countryside. So three brothers singing, a group of a family doing it. And you're out in the fucking forest in Mongolia. Reykjavik? And they're going like...
If only they knew. I don't want to comment, but I'm just like, you guys are fucking money in the face. Not wearing shirts. The songs are dog shit. Well, now you said their songs are dog shit. It's wonderful. Thanks, Heather. Mine are mostly rehabbing animals. Thanks, Heather.
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Hey everyone, this is a chat that Jake and Gareth have with special guest Annie Letterman when she entered the studio for this recording. Enjoy. Okay. Annie. You know what I really want? I really wanted to bring you like, go to the dentist and get you a dentist thing. I did not have time. Annie, I did her podcast the other night and boy, I would say 80% of it was tooth related. I would say 90, 90. It was pretty much all about teeth, my teeth, my tooth. If you were sitting here, it would happen again. I just...
She, right when we started, right when she, stop. We've got all the content we can out of it. She goes, we're not going to talk about it. She was just like starting to talk and then like a minute in, she just started going like, do you have a tooth missing? And then she's like, and I think you have a lisp now. You have changed a little bit with how you talk, but it's not bad. Wow. But it is a little bit. We love Gareth. I do not like the tenor of this. We love,
I came over here so we could attack. No, seriously. I'm like Simba looking at hyenas right now. I mean, it was maybe two hours of... Oh, it was hour 40. I would say hour 30. Okay, so I'm looking at him like this. So it was right in my... So I couldn't stop. And he's like, you're looking at him like... It was. It's like man cleavage.
She just was staring at my tooth. It's gap. It's not like cleavage at all. Cleavage is something you enjoy staring at. We really got to get going. Andy's car is getting towed. Jake doesn't know what I'm into. I like a little tooth gap. That's the thing. You guys like thigh gap? I like tooth gap.
Well, Jake, why don't you... Yeah, I think... Oh, there you go. That little head. So we don't know what this call is going to be. We have no clue. Neither do you. We'll just start it. We'll intro you. Stop it. What's the phone bit?
She gonna make calls? No, she's just thinking about the tooth stuff. Oh, yeah, yeah. She can't stop. Now that she's been told no. I won't do it. There's no rules on that. That's a rule. Gareth is sensitive, but you have to push through it with him. He is. We did an hour 30. You're sensitive about the tooth? Yes. We did an hour 30 on the tooth the other night. No joke. Gareth is sensitive. So...
Jake has talking points. The talking points, they're new. I actually have dirt on me.
What? No, you don't. Roll the tape cap? No, you don't. I have dirt on you. Big time? It's pretty funny. I don't know if you've discussed it publicly. What is it? Wait, hold on. Well, my... Are we... Let's start the show. Okay, so my personal trainer... Oh, Lacey. Lacey. Well, I was going to say, I'm getting close to losing a tooth. Yeah, that's the best way to shave weight. That's when you know to stop. The best way to shave weight, just take... You don't know how heavy your teeth are. A couple ounces. You take five, six teeth out from the back, you're two pounds lighter. So what's the...
Yeah, so what's the dirt? Okay, go ahead with the dirt. He had sex with her and never called her back? Jake, that's the old me. That was my early 40s. Oh, God. He started in his 40s. That was my early 40s. In his 30s, he was very virginal. He didn't have anyone. Okay, so Lacey told me that when you went on the road with Bert, you showed up to...
You were a little bit late, not your fault. Oh, this story. A little late for a private jet. I don't know if I told you this. You were late for a private jet. A little late for a fucking PJ, Garf? Which is pretty dark. No, it wasn't PJ. It wasn't PJ? No, no. It was a commercial. Oh, it was a commercial? But we got to go through the little, you know, the little tiny sneaky. This is not as cool of a story. Yeah, you know the little tiny sneaky. Wait for Delta, fuck off. Like the, you get the special. Oh, where you get, okay. Yeah, so we got the sneak on. Okay, I've never gotten the sneak on, so I didn't know what it was.
I've never done the PJ. But you're also not a late guy, so something happened. They haven't let you on the PJ yet? You actually are the perfect person to be on a PJ with because you're entertaining the entire time. Because you do get bored. As well as I would be like, whoa! You start being like, can the flight attendant do a dance or something? Is there a TikTok dance I can do? No, I would have good PJ banter. No doubt. You'd be good. I'd be great. I would be doing a lot of stuff.
Depends on the length of the flag. You know what I'd probably do? He's got four hours in him. This is a lot. Four hours. We are at hour 315 and Garfield's going like this. So then when I moved to Milwaukee, my stockbroker character's really getting old. Yeah, dude, stop.
Pull out another tooth, please. Yeah, that'd be great. I'm good at reading the room or the PJ. I know when it's no bits. I know when people are done with me. But okay. I don't think there's the same rules on it because you're trapped. There's no... Well, this... Well, what happened here was... So he shows up a little late. Go ahead.
He's not even a little late. It's like they're going to get the secret board on. Like, basically, there's, you know, we're going to get privately driven to the commercial airlines. It's great. But I'm like, they're probably getting ready to take us on through the private TSA in about 20, 25 minutes, 20 minutes. I show up right around then. They've been there for a while. But you're not late. No, the truth is, this sounds crazy. I had a little anxiety. So I was like a little like, oh, man, I so I had I just I
Cannot get out of my own way with honesty. So I'm like, I parked my car at like a public parking lot dealio. And, uh,
And I'm sitting there and I stopped by CVS before because I wanted to grease the wheels before we grease the wheels. Have a little. I wanted to have a little alcohol in the car that I parked. Oh, this is a darker tale than I thought. So I got. This was to car drink? Yes. Before meeting up with the drinking at the little fake airport. That was a lot of drinking. No, two little mini bottles of red wine and a can of Pringles was what I thought. Yum. And then things are good. Truly. Things are good.
If you want to get drunk, why absorb it with the Pringles? Because he also wants to enjoy it. Because when I drink, I become an animal. I'm a bad... I'm bad. And, okay, so I'm like, all right. So I had those. And then my buddy was also going on the road with Bert. It's like, hey, we're going to be leaving soon. So I'm like, oh, shit. So there was like a little level of like, I got to hustle. So I got a Lyft.
From the shuttle to the private little airport thing and now you can pick up with what you've okay, so it's like okay Let's go like let's get on let's get to this flight Jake's gonna murder me for this So he gets they get in the car they get on the flight how long until now you realize I? Realized before we got before we were driven to the plane, but you're already late It's our you're in jeopardy of missing the flight at this point
The stakes were not even that high, but the guy drops me off. The Lyft driver drops me off. I go in there. We're hanging out. We're having a drink. You know, Bert is the most gracious. He's the best. Take headphones. Take whatever the fuck you want from this little room. So I'm like, okay. So I'm loading up on stuff.
Turns out you were very lucky he was gracious like that. Very lucky for the supply run before the flight. So then we go through, like I said, a private TSA. Could not be easier. Like if I were to be sneaking knives on plane, this is where you want to do it. You were just sneaking alcohol? Inside my body. And
And then we get to the car that's going to drive us to the plane. And I am like, oh, I left my bag at the TSA thing. So we have a liaison. So I say to the I go, I left my bag in the little fucking X-ray thing. She goes, OK. She goes in there. I see her looking frantically and I'm going, it must be in the room we were in. I don't even think I brought it through the TSA. She's kind of like that. And as she's doing all this, I'm thinking, did I get my bag out of the lift that drove me here? Hmm.
And I'm about to go on the road with Bert for four days, five days. And I'm like, I don't think I did. Oh, Garth. So I go. No clothes and late. No clothes. First day of school. Such a problem. Such a problem. Just coming in. And it's it's like he was already nervous. He was already have anxiety. This is younger brother on tour where you're like, now we got to fucking clean up his ass. It's bad. And so I'm like, I have to say, I think I left.
in the lift. Now there is no time. You must have been actually anxious because it will actually know you every time. There's always a flight story where you forgot something big. Well, I've been stuck in other countries. Oh, I remember that passport. I was about to say, Jake, what are you talking about? The two times I lost my passport in the last three months.
All right, we got to take this call. Okay. So anyway, I end up having to buy everything on the road and I was a total nightmare. Annie, welcome to the podcast. They bought him stuff. They bought him stuff. They did. A ski suit. Thank you for doing the show. So Garf, start us up. All right. Hello, everybody. We lost the 10 a.m. caller. I'm waiting for the 1031. Oh, that's so sad. We were too late. Yep. So I had heard, I remember the first time, I'm a fan of yours. I've seen your kind of arc up.
Cool, thank you. What is the story though? Because I remember seeing somebody, I felt like it was Bill Burr, somebody did some story about like discovering you.
Maybe it was Rogan. But there was like some special. I saw it on TV. Oh, it was the Comedy Store documentary. Yes, that's what it was. Yeah, a lot of people claimed Discover Me and I liked it. I did. Gareth discovered me at an open mic. It was actually a regular show for me. It was like living out of your car, just doing bits and everything. I used to live in my car, yes. I lived in my car. I think when I met Gareth, I was living in my car.
So what year was that? Our origin story is pretty good. It wasn't even your car, though. It was like you were renting a junk car. I was renting a Rent-A-Wreck. Remember Rent-A-Wreck? Yeah, so you moved out here. That was here. I moved out. I was doing Chelsea Lately, the panel. No money. And then I was doing it. What's that? There was no money in that. $400, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I was like, I'll just move out there. So because the flight out there was... And from where? From New York. I was living in New York. You just said, fuck it. I'm going out there. No apartment. Yeah, whatever. I'll be fine. Rent a wreck. Rent a wreck. Good for you. I was crashing in people's houses and then I would sleep in my car a little bit. It wasn't like every night I was sleeping in my car. But if it's once a week, it's significant. It's nice. I actually used to be right around this neighborhood. I would park. Really? Yeah. Right around here. Whoever let me stay at their house, I would scout their area where it felt like safe to park. Yeah. Yeah.
But, yeah. And then you started popping? Yep. Is that what happened? I mean, I did. I moved back into my car another time. But you started getting on MTV. You started doing the Girl Code. I was doing Girl Code. Yeah, when I moved out here, I got onto Girl Code, which was in New York, so that I was flying back to New York to do that. Yeah, but when I met Andy, she was like...
Our origin story is funny, but when she lived out here, she was going like, I think I'm just going to get a little apartment and have a hot plate. She was like, I'll rent a room. And I was like, you're on fucking TV. I was like, you cannot be...
living in more squalor than I am and actually have things going on. It was a weird underlying belief, obviously, because I was looking at my Instagram. I was trying to find pictures for that post a picture of Warner 21 thing that they were doing yesterday. I didn't know about that. So I was going through my old...
My old Instagram. Did you know about that? It was Jennifer Gardner did it and then everyone was posting, but I was trying to find like a funny picture. Is it too late to do it now? Keep going. I don't think it is. What is it? When I was 21? Yeah, like a picture of you when you were 21. So I found a picture of me on set with like pregnant smoking, you know, you do a joke. But I was like going through and I found a clip of me on David Spade show that was like right before the pandemic. And I was like,
All my bits were about my one bedroom apartment, I'm so broke. I'm like, why was I like, I needed everyone to know how broke I was, even though I was on television every day. - Negotiations. - Now I'm rich. - Yep, now she's rich. - Now I'm rich. - What turned it? - One credit card's working, but I am rich.
We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt, and the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKeon. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio, and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.
The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com.
All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.
