65: Don’t Look It Up 47:36

Temp check. What kind of summer are we having this year? A family road trip summer, a beach bum summer, or a wake-me-up-when-the-sun-sets summer? With Instacart, choose your own adventure and skip the shopping side quests. Where available, you can get ice cream delivered to your hotel, sunscreen to the pool, or cold brew to your bed.

Well, door, in as fast as 30 minutes. Wherever you find yourself this summer, you can get the goods. Download Instacart for free delivery on your first three orders. Offer valid for a limited time. Minimum $10 per order. Excludes restaurants. Additional terms and fees apply. Okay, it's time to commit. 2024 is the year for prioritizing yourself. Begin your new smile journey with Bite, and you could start seeing results in just two to three weeks.

Just order your at-home impression kit today for only $14.95 at Byte.com. Byte clear liners are doctor-directed and delivered to your door. Treatment costs thousands less than braces, plus they offer financing options, accept eligible insurance, and you can pay with your HSA, FSA.

Get 80% off your impression kit when you use code WONDERY at Byte.com. That's B-Y-T-E dot com. Start your confidence journey today with Byte.

We are back. We have another solo show. Yep. We're excited about this. Yep.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, it's nice when we just solve, get back to the beginning, the roots. Yes. When you and I hung out, we talked about the idea. Yeah. That was not that long ago. And here we are. Without further ado. Bye-bye. Hello? Hey, welcome to We're Here to Help, America's number one podcast. Don't look it up. Can we get your name, your age, and where you're calling from? Yeah. Hi. For sure. Lauren...

21. Last name. The first last name in the history of the show. Let's cut your last name. You know what? We're going to beat the last name. For show liability, Lauren. By the way, Lauren. Guys, listen. I've been through it. I tried calling your number and it took me to an emergency line three times. A lot of people don't know that this is an emergency line. Wait, is that true, Lauren?

It's true, I swear. So what happened? You went to an emergency line? Walk us through that. I called them two times. First time, they said hello. Didn't sound like a familiar face, so I hung up. Okay. Tried again, and I said, I'm looking for a podcast, and they said, this is something... It's an emergency. Wait, hold on, Gail. I want to hear what she says. Go ahead. That's it. Yeah, they said, this is a, I don't know, something emergency line. And then what happened? And then I emailed, and I said, help. And then I tried again, and

And it worked. - Interesting. - Quite a run you've been on there. - And so you decided to say your last name, why?

It's an emergency. Well, I don't know. I feel like I'm being interrogated. Yeah. Well, Lauren, the bar is set high for this call to be an emergency. So, Lauren, what is your age again and where are you calling from? 21 years old. Okay. 21. I'm from St. Louis. St. Louis. Is that Missouri? Hell of an arch. Yeah, it's Missouri, buddy. Well, there's two. There's also St. Louis. It's dog shit. We only talk about the one. We like St. Louis, Missouri. Lauren, please tell me which one are you from? Please be Missouri.

Which other one? Exactly. That's the attitude. St. Louis. Obispo? Is there only one? No, I think there's one. No, I knew that too. There might be a second. I think there might be a second. You drive through this country enough, you'll be like, oh wow, there's a second Chicago. St. Louis, Maine. Yeah, sure. Nobody look it up. Don't look it up. The key to this show. Don't look it up. Don't look it up. By the way, that part of your catchphrase I'll take for this show. Thank you. It could just be, don't look it up.

And I'll tell you, number one podcast, don't look it up. I like that as a shirt. All of our advice, all of our facts. Okay. Don't look it up. Jake, I like it being re. Yes. Yeah. We're here to help. Don't look it up. Don't look it up. Lauren, what's the problem? Yeah. Lauren from the main St. Louis, because there are two others. Don't look it up. There's like 15. Don't look. There's a lot of them. What can we do for you? What's going on?

All right, listen. So like I said, I'm 21. I'm an intern. An intern? I'm at a radio station. I interned at SNL, not to brag. Don't look it up. Is that right? Look it up. I did, though. Look it up? Look it up. You did? Yeah, when I was 21. I'll be doing that. When you were 21? So before Jake Johnson was Jake Johnson. Sick.

Stop it. Before the Garf was the Garf. Garf's still Garf. So is Jake. Jake and Garf are sadly still Jake and Garf. This isn't about us. No, it's not. It's about you, Lauren, in the main St. Louis. We're not the interns. Intern at a radio station. You can say the call letters if you like. If not, keep going. Dude, I'll say them. Where does it? Well, if I know them. Wow. 90.7.

90.7. It doesn't matter. Playing the hits. 90.7. It doesn't matter. Just playing the hits. Drive time, traffic, 9 to 11. 90.7. Kirby and the peach tree in the morning. Don't look it up. Lauren, what the hell's happening? You're letting us derail everything. We're ruining the call. Okay. So, it was like a week into the job. It's a very good environment here. They're passing around. Happy birthday cards are the only ones I've seen passed around. Yeah.

So I get this beautiful, colorful card at my desk while I'm working. And I am very deep in work on my Adderall. And so I write, have a great day! Happy birthday, smiley face. Turns out I get a message later on. The woman sent a photo of her crying. Thank you so much. I would fight a bear for you all. So I asked my editor, what was that card that got passed around earlier? This woman's sister died. Oh.

Lauren. Lauren. Lauren. You wrote, a woman's sister died and you wrote, have a great day. Smiley face. Just all these ones, condolences, Teresa. So sorry. Have a great day. So Lauren, walk us through it. So you say have a great day. What happens after that? Well, so I don't know if you're familiar with Slack. It's like a messaging corporate platform.

app that everyone are you getting yeah what corporate are you fucking messaging with hey listen i'm a gigger you know me i'm lily padden i'm from job to job i'm in there you yeah slack you're a man of mystery you know i'm a stranger first of all so are you agreed and you know if you you i wish i was on slack yeah he's gonna jake's gonna download slack but jake needs to we could do one here we're co-workers this is as close as it gets yeah yeah

That's true. Okay, so on Slack. We could also create a website on Squarespace. Yeah, God, we love them. We could also get rid of all these unneeded ads on fucking Rocket Money. Hey, well, hold on a second, Jake. Now you're taking a bite of my pie. Hold on. I'm getting a cough. I should contact Sock Doc. There we go. Good job.

All right, I'm sorry, Lauren. Okay, so keep going. So you're slacking it up. So it's a photo of this woman crying. The message says, I would fight a bear for you all. Thank you so much. I've been crying all week, basically. Thank you. The woman works on a different floor than me. I haven't had any interactions with her. But it's just the fact that the card...

physically got passed around and everyone else in the office must have seen that message. It's really the end. But her response was her way of saying thank you after the passing of her sister was I would fight a bear for you all. Yeah, she feels so supported that she would go into the woods. I don't think you're in a bad zone. Okay. So Lauren, your problem is that you feel like people are like, hey, you're a fucking funeral psycho.

Like you see that someone really stupid, like what's wrong with the stupid intern? So, yeah, I get that. So I do too. So what is the, what is the, uh, it's a interesting setup. I wouldn't kill yourself too hard over this one. She did respond with fight a bear, but what is the question? The question is, should I ask her about it? Should I confront her? She's cool. She's listen, she has pink hair.

Cool. She might be in for it. By the way, I love that. She's cool. She has pink hair. She's cool. She's got pink hair. She's fighting bears. She's a different floor. She's cool. So the question is what? What should you do now? The question is, should I talk to her? Should I clear my name? Do I need to clear my name? What's my next step? Easy. I think I'm going to lean towards what you're going with. So when you say clear your name, Lauren, what do you pitch and what would you do?

I'm probably going to go for a jokey pitch, you know. Let's hear it. Maybe at the next happy hour, I'll say, guys, you know...

I don't know if... You know that sympathy card that got passed around a couple weeks ago? I actually wrote happy birthday on it. Do you guys think I should go to a psychiatrist and hopefully they'll laugh? Hold on. I don't hate it. I was setting you up to fail. I just forgot about the happy birthday. Yeah. I mean, this sympathy card, it does add a layer of total disconnect. Yes. That...

Lauren, what else would you pitch here? Happy birthday. Have a great day. Because one thing is you go at happy hour, you're pitching to bring it up. What else are you thinking? What's cooking in between those ears of yours? Because I think you got golden between those ears.

Okay, thank you. That's great to hear. Don't look at it. So it's a very, like there's cubicles all around me. I'm thinking the next time one's passed around, maybe I can say, oh, here, I'll do this. Do you guys read the other messages that people write? You would write that in the note card. No, no, no, no. But hold on. That's a funny thing to write. Is anyone reading this? Yeah, you're creating a thing where you're sending messages to your coworkers in the card. Help.

Lauren. Yeah, I'm a little bit embarrassed about my last one for whoever's reading this. Lauren. Still underwater from my last one. What were you going to say? What were you thinking? Next time it's passed around, I'll say to the guy next to me, do you read what the other people say? The guy next to me is like 50. I just don't know if I'm even approaching him wrong. Does he have pink hair? Is he cool? Go ahead, Gar. No, he's not even pink hair. So he's not cool. And leave him be.

Jesus Christ. So what has he got? Brown? Yeah. Gray. Gross. I have a bit with my niece and nephew where every year for their birthdays, I buy a card from the wrong section. That's fine. Like so it'll be like, you know, like on your anniversary and then I'll cross out and go happy birthday. And then inside the card, I'll go. There was a mix up. I don't know what happened anyway. Happy birthday. Happy birthday.

So I've been doing that their whole lives. It might be funny for you. I like your happy hour thing. And you could pair that with now because of that, you have a card bit, which is whatever the occasion is, you write the wrong thing in there.

And so if it's like, let's say it's like it is a congratulations in there, you could write so sorry for your loss, Lauren. Yeah, you know, agreed. You could keep that bit going. And I think we like to refer to that as a BW.

Go. Always be wrong. Yes. Yes. And that paired with your happy hour context. That's fun. Could be interesting. So right now, Lauren, you got bring it up at a happy hour so everybody can playfully tease you. If you listen to this show, you know, a big part of what we like to do comedically is mess with each other and our guests and the callers.

So what, and the only way you can be somebody who messes with people is if you allow yourself to be the one who get messed with. You can't just give it and not take it. So you're saying, Lauren, I'm going to be the butt of the jokes on this one, and I like it. I'm down. Okay, yeah, good. One of my favorite types of people, and one of the things I like the most is when, if you care about somebody, you know how to tease them, right? Yeah. And so what you're saying is, hey, guys,

I screwed up. You guys can tease me. Yep. Now it will create an environment of fun. So you could do the one, two Garfs. ABW always be wrong is also right. So what are you thinking, Lauren? What do you want to do here?

Well, I am always up for creating an environment of fun, but I just am worried that I'm overstepping. I mean, I'm just a stupid little intern. I don't even think they want me to have a personality, but I could lean in, you know? Oh, Lauren, we both know you don't believe that. You even said that in a sing-songy way. Oh, no. You're like, oh, I'm just a stupid little intern with cool pink hair. I think the other thing. I think the other thing. What color is your hair, Lauren? I'm sorry.

It's brown. Get it, pig. It's boring brown. Get it, pig. Be cool. What are we doing? Just so you know,

Personality is probably helpful to getting hired for, if it's not this job, another job. I think it's okay to have a little running bit. Of course it is. I think it's okay. I don't think somebody's going to see that and be like, what an asshole. And if they are, they're an asshole. Their hair's probably brown. Yeah, Lauren's hair's brown. Yeah, right. Well, that's changing it. That's part of the advice too. So here's where we're coming at.

You bring it up at the bar. You have a cocktail. You let it rip. You see what happens. You'll feel the vibe very good. If all of a sudden the vibe from the table is very clearly, she's just a little intern, then let it go. When I was just a little intern at SNL,

I didn't make any jokes. No. You want to know why? Nobody wanted them for me. I did have a moment, really quick intern story. Yeah. I used to wear a white t-shirt and like a mesh kind of hat like that. And it was right around the era of Johnny Knoxville Jackass started. Yep. But I did not have cable. Okay. And it was pre-internet. So I didn't know who they were talking about. I didn't know what Jackass was.

I was bringing coffee and scripts to the great Tina Fey, Jimmy Fallon. It was his first year of hosting the Weekend Update. And they said, hey, cute little intern boy with no pink hair, you nerd with brown hair, bring this to that room. So I was like, Tina Fey, Jimmy Fallon, and a few writers. And I was very excited. And my thought was I was going to walk in and they were going to go like, hey, you,

I can tell you're going to be a big star in this game. Want to do bits with us and write? And I was going to be like, who, me? That's my dream. And I was thinking like, it could happen. I get my bits ready, right? Be ready. I'm going to go in the big room with the big players. And I was nervous, but geeking myself up. And I walked in and Fallon goes, hey, jackass. And they all laughed.

And I thought he meant like, hey, dumb shot, you're a jackass. And I went like, it threw me so bad that I went like, walked in, put the things down left, kept it to myself for a while. Didn't even tell my buddies who I was interns with, like real good, like actual friends. Real pain. Didn't tell anybody. Real pain. Then later, and I'm talking weeks later, maybe even months, I saw something about jackass and I was like, jackass?

And I looked at how Nostel was dressed and I was like, oh, I look just like him. Yeah. And I was like, oh, good bit. So now you're like, I've got to come back. Yeah. I was like, remember when I used to enter? Yeah, but I won't jump into a pool of eels. Yes. What? So I'm going for the bring it up, have fun at the bar, always be wrong or pink hair. Those are our three. What are you going to do, Lauren?

Well, I'm going to hopefully go for bar first. But my concern here is what if the next card that's passed on is sympathy? I'm going to be really careful and thoughtful. But I mean, what if it's what if her what if her brother died? You can't do sympathy bit.

That's the off limits to this. Which is? Well, you can't like if there's another sympathy. You can't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Happy birthday. Have a great day. I agree. Don't double down on the next passing. Your bit can be done for the revelry. Yeah, you know what? I'm 100% going in to bring it up at the bar around friendly people and let them tease you a little bit. I agree. Lauren. Own it. Yep.

We appreciate you. And as always, playing the hits on 90.7 in St. Louis, Missouri. 90.7 in St. Louis, Missouri. Don't look it up in the mornings. We're willing to fight a bear for you. Next up, Leonard Sheenard. Thank you, Lord. Thank you so much. Bye. Good to hear you guys. Have a good one. Bye.

And Jake, we are brought to you by Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscription, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills so that you can grow your savings. We've talked about this before. We've both had multiple things we did not know we were still paying for. That's

That's part of the business model of some companies where they're just like, hey, sign up for a week. You'll be good. And then like two years later, like without in mind, sign up to our Patreon. We're never let Rocket Money call you out for it. So Rocket Money has over five million users and has saved a total of five

million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year. And you could just use that on our Patreon when using all of the app's features. So stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash help. That's rocketmoney.com slash help. rocketmoney.com slash help.

This year, Dell Technologies' back-to-school event is delivering impressive tech with an inspiring purpose.

With every qualifying purchase, Dell will donate to ComputerAid, who equips solar community hubs with tech and AI literacy skills to empower remote, displaced, or disconnected communities around the world. This is your chance to empower people globally through AI access and digital opportunity while upgrading your tech now powered by Snapdragon X series processors for game-changing performance and to power efficiency.

Help Dell make a difference. Shop AI-ready PCs and get free shipping on everything at Dell.com slash deals. Purchase any PC monitor between $715.24 and $911.24, and Dell will donate $1.75 for each eligible product within your purchase to ComputerAid, capped at $1.2 million total. For details and restrictions, go to Dell.com slash deals. And

And we're also brought to you by Babbel. Jake, we've talked about this before. Babbel is the science-backed language learning app that actually works. Saves you money. You don't need to hire a tutor. It's 10-minute lessons, handcrafted by 200 language experts. Helps you speak another language. So,

I spoke French when I was in high school and all that stuff, and then I had completely forgotten it. So I used Babbel and French is coming back. As a matter of fact, the other day I was in Toronto doing a show and talked to a French person from the stage.

Gareth, give us a taste of what Babel has helped you with with your French. Je m'appelle Gareth. J'ai étudié dans l'école française pour deux ans.

Babbel helps. It really is so easy. It does not take very long. You can do it anytime. So here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, get 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash hth. Get up to 50% No, get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash hth spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash hth rule and restrictions. Babbel.

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Booking.com. Booking. Yeah. So people are traveling a lot during the summer. And if you're looking for a place to stay, go to Booking.com. Stylish hotels, family-friendly resorts. I told you yesterday, Jake, I was driving back on a brutal trip.

drive and needed to get a hotel on the fly for one night and bing bang boom baby booking.com i'm booking a family trip to new york as we speak and i'm using booking.yeah

Truly just makes booking a place to stay so easy. So go to booking.com and get yourself a great place. The right stay can make you a fan of any U.S. city. Book today on booking.com on the site or in the booking.com app. We are brought to you by Hero Bread Wafers.

We love hero bread here on the show. Love it. We love the bread. We love the tortillas. It's, you know, it's one of those things. Yeah. And, you know, you kind of try to like cut bread out if you're trying to eat healthy. That's kind of one of the first things to go. And then think about it like summer barbecues, all that stuff. And you're going like, I don't know, but they have all they have now made it so that

not only is the bread way healthier for you and you should not feel bad, it has protein in it, you should not feel bad about eating it. It is just as good. I mean, it tastes, it's just, you are not missing bread when you use Hero Bread. So yeah, and like we said, nutrition, the tortillas, they fit your health goals, all that stuff. So all your favorites, no consequences or compromises, zero to one grabs of net carbs, zero sugar, high in fiber, just delicious. So-

Keep the carbs out of summer without compromising flavor with Hero Bread. Get 10% off your order at hero.co and use code HELP at checkout. That's HELP at H-E-R-O dot C-O. Hello? Hey, how you doing?

good how are you i'm doing great what's your first name please you're on the show by the way jake um my name is hannah hi you said hannah hi hi hi hannah my name is jake hi hey how you doing hey how are you good hey hannah where do you live not like you're addressing like jesus christ maybe just the city and state um i'm living in new york the city

The city. You know, I used to live in the X city. My mother lived up in Troy, right near Albany. You ever been? Yeah, I've got some family in Albany. I don't know if I've been to Troy. Is that what you said? Yeah, Troy's right. It's a neighbor to it. It's the disgusting neighbor to Albany. I feel like this is going well. You want to take over, Garrett? You know, Hannah, it's called the Big Apple because of all the great apples. Can we get your age roughly?

I'm 27. 27. You're just a kid. New York City, 27. Come on. Are you living the Carrie Bradshaw dream? Yeah. Are you ever spinning in Times Square alone with shopping bags in your hands? Okay. What is your problem today? So I'm getting married in June. Congratulations. And I found this app.

I found this app that is kind of like a sports betting app, but for things that go on in the wedding. This is fun. Oh, wow. Let's give a plug. What is that plug? Because I want to use that app.

It's called bedding on the wedding. Oh my God. Is that the funniest idea ever? Okay. I know. I just saw this on like an Instagram reel a couple of weeks ago and I can't stop thinking about how cool. I say this. I used to work weddings. I was a waiter. I was a caterer at weddings. So I've worked over 300 weddings. It's crazy. Yeah. They're

They're all the same. Oh, wow. I was on a show called The Real Wedding Crashers. It tanked. Yeah, well, you also beat me for that job. Well, you didn't miss anything. I think career-wise it worked out a little better for you. No, I think we're both doing great, Garf. I'm not making a joke. No, I know. Are you unhappy with where you are? Not very happy. You should be. You're very successful. Stop it. I wouldn't wear that vest, but you're very successful. All right, Hannah, so keep going. Where's the problem? Everything sounds great.

Yeah, no, I just need help coming up with some ideas for things that happen at weddings that people can bet on. Hannah, let me just tell you something, and I don't want to put too big of a spotlight on my man here rule book, but this, considering Jake's experience in weddings, and Jake has what I would call a savant skill as far as coming up with bets. The amount of times that Jake will text me bets or ideas for things that I'm like,

How did his head even get here? So I think we're the right people to call. So just so Hannah, to be clear to us and the audience and correct me when I'm wrong, but there's an app called betting on weddings and

And you can bet on betting on the wedding and you could bet on things that are going to happen. And you're wondering for your wedding, what can you bet on or what do you expect to have happen or what are good clear bets? Just so I'm a hundred percent sure what we're doing. Okay. And so you're thinking of betting on your own wedding.

I want to have things that the guests can bet on. So you set up what you think the things will be in the app for the guests, correct? Correct. Like the over-under. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so the first thing, the over-under for sure. Absolutely. Is the bridesmaid's, her speech, she cries.

Yep. Okay. So who is going to make your speech? I have two sisters that are like co-matrons of honor. So the sister's speech, when they get up there within the first minute and a half, the first bet is do one of your sisters cries or gets choked up in their speech of the 300 weddings I worked.

I would say 80% of the speeches for the brides at one point they said, and when, when I met Sarah, I just love you. I love you girl. And then the woman, the bride has to go like off mic. I love you too. Right. It's always the same. There's always the, ah, sentiment in the air. So the first one is, is crying during her speech.

The second one is a medium funny speech from the guy that the audience acts as if it's really funny because it's the whole idea of like, you know, but it's this whole world right now of like on Instagram. It's like she thinks he's cheating. What are the boys doing? It's not funny stuff. It's like this idea of boys will be boys and they're such legends.

The guy gets up there. His fucking confidence of being funny is shocking compared to the stuff that comes out of his mouth. And his response is as if Chappelle's making that speech. So a medium funny speech from him that gets a laugh within 30 seconds. And that laugh is bigger than anything any female has done for the whole day.

I love it. I think great. I've got a I'm going to run you through a litany of ones that I just wrote down. OK. OK. How about let's set an over under on your vow time.

Vows, I would guess, what would you say vows are approximately with your experience? I would guess they're about 45 seconds to a minute. Yes, well, I would say mostly the females is a little bit longer. I would say the female vows are anywhere between...

A minute and a half. So over under for her would be a minute and a half. Why don't we set yours at 90 seconds? And then I think you could also add on to that, maybe a parlay that you get teared up. Yeah. That you or the groom well up during the vows. The bride keeps it more together than the groom. Great. Great. But what I will say during your vows.

The over under could be if there's an audible awe from the audience. Uh-huh. Because the female vows, when they say something of as soft as, you are my person, some aunt, mom, sister at a really pedestrian line goes, uh, or when you even at 27 go, uh.

I didn't know if I would ever find anyone. I think for that one... You'll find one later. I think for that one... He's 68? Make sure to be clear that it is, like...

parents of the bride and groom do an audible awe because otherwise people could bet on that and then influence by lying themselves. Also, how about the kiss when it's time to kiss the bride? Does the mouth open at all? Yeah, I think a bet on is there any mouth opening or is it more of just a

Also, does someone dip someone? Something like that? - Yes, or it's also during that kiss, this is an if, if it goes longer than two seconds, do people cheer?

Yes. Good. Because people love to, when that kiss gets a little bit heated to go like, yeah. Yeah. Or that could be a two. Does some, does a man over 200 pounds shout? Yeah. Let's make it, let's make it cleaner. A man over one 85. All right. All right. A man over a buck 85 shouts. Yeah. Or woo. During the kiss. Uh, when, uh,

the couple does their first dance. Is it one of those really dorky planned ones? Oh, yeah. Where they go like, please welcome to the stage for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Blah, blah, blah. And you guys come out to like the Bulls music. Yeah, right. Where it's like, boom. Where you're like, what the fuck? Then on that first song where it starts off as like, you know, Joe Cocker's like, you...

ah, so beautiful. Then the record scratches and it goes like, jump around. Yeah. And you two geeks are doing a choreographed jump around. What's so great about this too, Hannah, is that you're in charge of whether or not these things happen. So the fact

that you're setting some of these things up you can kind of easter egg it a little bit yeah like that should totally be one but is there a twist during the first dance yes but i would do i would see if this app does it but some of them rather than creating over-unders because you are controlling it and so are the people is i wonder if the app doesn't mean it's based off betting like in certain casinos all right how many people bet on one thing changes the odds yeah right

That's interesting. That's for the app. Okay, here's some more, which we're definitely going to be working with after this call. I'll wear a shirt right now. I've already got one on into the vest. I'm ready.

Betting on the wedding? How about betting on the anything? Yes. Oh, God. It really... Our wheels are turning. How about does the rose girl or the rose child, do they make it all the way down without assistance from an adult? Great. A lot of times it seems like they get out there and all the preparation has sort of faded. You can make it all so simple. Does the flower girl... It's not rose girl. Stop. Does the flower... Single...

They're never been married. Does the flower girl get distracted? Yes. Is there a yes or is it singularly focused? Now, the other one, who's marrying you? Is it a priest? Is it a rabbi? Is it a random? I was going to say her fiance, you idiot. Cut that. Yeah, a priest. Does the priest get a laugh?

Oh, good. Because some of them squeeze laughs and some don't. Does the priest get a laugh is important. Now, here's another one for the food.

Is it buffet style or is it served? Oh, are you asking me? It's served. He's not asking me. So it's the people you sit down at the table and it comes to you, correct? Chicken or fish. Yes. So what are going to be your options? Do you know? Is it going to be one thing or are you going to give people an option? I think we're giving people options ahead. So then the odds are what is the most popular?

Oh, great. Because we used to do buffet style. And part of the fun of working there, because we would do two a night, was I would find a worker and we would do over-unders on what tray was emptied first. Great. So if they had steak and I had chicken, I would go like, with this gross kind of brown sauce, I think you're going to win. And they would go, steak's not as healthy. And then you would watch and one tray would empty and people would come back. That's great. So betting on what is the hit of dinner. Yep.

The most served dish. Yes. Yep. Great. Love that. During the ceremony, does a kid cry? Does a kid like scream and start having a little conniption, something like that? Another one. Someone blacks out. Someone gets so drunk that they black out. I'm going to go even earlier on that because how could you tell?

Well, someone is far. Someone is embarrassingly intoxicated. So let's go. I would say yes to embarrassingly intoxicated, but I'm going to even go before that. I'm going to go on the dance floor before or after midnight. You set a time.

does one of the guys take off his tie and put it around his head like a headband? It really is. Because there's always the legend who unbuttons their shirt too far and then does that. And that is like the crazy guy in your group of friends. Like, oh my God, would you look at Chad literally dancing with my grandma? It's great. It's great. And so will that happen? And if so, how soon? Because that has a lot to do with how much Chad drinks. Two.

Another thing on the dance floor is will will a woman wear a man's sports jacket who is not her boyfriend? Here's why I say because that's the beginning of part of these weddings. There's the moment and I've seen 300 of them. And if it's the animal kingdom, which let's be honest, we're always watching each other like it's a fucking chimp tribe is I would go now all the singles are looking to fuck.

The marriage are gone. They're slowing down. The couples who have a kid are like, oh my God, this is the first time we've had a date. They're slow dancing. It's annoying everybody. Right? Then you've got the older people start to fade. Oh, does grandma, does one of the grandparents dance and everybody laughs? Yeah. Because there's a moment when like grandma or grandpa dances to Drake and everybody cracks up like it's amazing. It's not amazing. It happens at 80% of weddings. Okay. But then there's a moment where things start to fade.

And the singles, a.k.a. the vampires, come out to suck some blood. I've been there. It's time for cleanup. It's time for cleanup for both genders. Yes. And one of the moves that the women will throw out to say, I'm looking, is they will put a man's sports jacket on on the dance floor after dancing.

And even if it's not that guy she wants, she's letting people know, I'm okay to wear your button down tomorrow morning when I get my morning coffee. May as well be a varsity letter jacket. Exactly right. So one of that is, will a woman wear a man's sports jacket who she is not with post-dancing while she gets a drink or smokes a cigarette outside?

To that one, how about members of the bridal and groom party or some version of that hook up? Yes. So I'm going to say this. We've given you a lot. Oh, wait, let me run you through a couple. Yeah. OK. Yeah. Who catches the bouquet? Yes. Will at the cake cutting there be a face smush? Will someone smush cake into the other one's face? Right. And.

Can't even read that one. Got real excited. Will somebody show up in like a new vest because we're on YouTube now? But also a podcast. So that question might be lost on a lot of people. It doesn't add up. Okay, so Hannah, that last one doesn't make sense. That was actually more for this. And that would be 100% once Gareth sees our Stalvey episode got 20,000 views. So then he went to JCPenney and got a whole new outfit. JCPenney is closed. So is Kohl's. That would be your other one. Kohl's.

We literally had one YouTube video that does well. The next day, Garrett goes shopping. Hannah, what do you think of those ideas? By the way, I'm going to start wearing suits. If we get to 50,000 views per. I'm going to dress like the Monopoly man. Everybody, we're going to make a little claim. If one of our YouTube videos gets to 50,000, which eventually it will. I think some are close. But if one, the first one that gets to it, the next episode while we record, Gareth will do this entire day in a full suit. Or I'll wear that outfit.

That'll be the only outfit I wear. That'll be like my podcast outfit, whichever one gets the 50K. Okay, so now, Hannah, we've given you a lot of options. We can send this recording to you so you can look back at it. Where do you think you're at? Have we helped? Are you going to use any of these? Out of hearing these, which ones do you think that you liked?

Yeah, I'm loving these. I love the crying kid idea. I've got a lot of nieces and nephews, so I think that's a good one. That's a home run. The sports jacket, not one I would have thought of. That's a good one. Sports jacket, okay.

Oh, yeah. I think they were all really good. There were a lot of good ones in there. Okay, what about a hookup? We're just going to go over some big, easy ones. Hookup from the bridal groom party. You like something like that? Yeah. A lot of them are married to each other. It's like my siblings and in-laws. Okay. I think it's got to be strangers hookup. Yeah, I agree. A couple hooking up doesn't count. Yeah, I agree. And it won't happen.

So do you want the element? Let's go over the big basics so we get big wins. Who catches the bouquet?

Yeah, that's a great one. That one matters, right? So who catches it? Let's lock that one in. I think Gareth, does the flower girl get distracted is a lot of fun because everybody can be watching this little kid and that little kid will not know about this betting app. And when she starts to turn to see like her dad, people go like, no! If I'm there, I bet on it and I sit at the aisle and I start jingling keys. I do.

I think that's a really fun one. And I think the do one of the sisters cry is a fun one. Yep. I also think, I also think which does better chicken fish, something like that. Okay. Yeah, that's fine. Hannah.

Have we helped here today? Oh, you've helped a lot. Well, then, goddamn, the call's over. Good luck at your wedding, Hannah. We wish you all the best. We're throwing rice. Bye. We're throwing rice. We're throwing rice. Bye. Adverberates.

And we are brought to you by Squarespace. We love Squarespace. Squarespace has so many things to help you build your business. I use Squarespace for my personal website. We built Squarespace for the Suits and Wigs party. Look, they've got...

blueprint AI and SEO tools, flexible payments. You could sell your content. There's video collection, client invoicing. I've been with Squarespace long enough to be like, I remember when it was pretty simple, but now you can really, really build up your business with

It helps you build merch, all these things. So go to www.squarespace.com slash gil sent me to save 10% off of your purchase of a website or domain using the code gil sent me.

Hungry Root. Hungry Root is the easiest way to eat healthy. They send you fresh, high-quality groceries, simple, delicious recipes, and essential supplements. Hungry Root gets to your personal health goals, dietary restrictions, favorite foods, how much time you want to spend cooking, and more. And I understand that our former hunk with a little chunk...

who now is just back to hunk, is a big fan of Hungry Root, as we all are. But you have a little story, Kevin. I've for years have been looking for a meal delivery service that caters to vegans. A lot of them do not have a vegan version. They're closest they have is a veggie. And those aren't really that good. I literally Googled three months ago, best vegan delivery service. Hungry Root popped up.

I have for three months had it delivered for, I get a box of five meals a week every single week. I love it. Super easy to make. Lee and I have a blast making them. And you've never looked better. I feel great. Yeah. Highly recommend it. I'm a huge fan of Hungry Roots.

We love them. And right now, Hungry Root is offering We're Here to Help listeners 40% off your first delivery and free veggies for life. Just go to HungryRoot.com slash Here to Help to get 40% off your first delivery and get your free veggies. That's HungryRoot.com slash Here to Help. Don't forget to use our link so they know that we sent you.

Oh, and Jake, we've talked about this before. Hulu Animayham. Hulu Animayham is your animation destination. You can see full seasons and new episodes of your favorite shows like Family Guy, Futurama, Solar Opposites, Hip Monkey, Bob's Burgers.

Many, many more. I mean, we love some of these shows. So, yeah, like we said, get ready to be bowled over, have your socks knocked off and get thrown for a loop. You love Bob's Burgers, right? I do. I think Bob's Burgers is my favorite animated show since The Simpsons. Yes. I like Solar Opposites and you can watch American Dad, The Great North, Grimsburg, Crapopolis,

All those shows. So look, if you're looking for your favorite animated shows, there's only one destination you need to remember. Hulu Anime Ham, your animation destination, now streaming on Hulu.

Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. This next follow-up is from episode 19, titled The T-Shirt in the Pool Club. It is the second caller in that episode, and it's from October 19th, 2023. So if you'd like to check that out before listening to this follow-up, go for it. Thank you. Hi. Hi. Hi, welcome back to We're Here to Help for probably your second call. We know it's a follow-up,

But that's all we know. We don't know who you are or what you called about the first time. So why don't you do that and then you can update us. Okay. My name is Jamie and I have the husband that has the interesting morning routine of stretching naked. We think about you. We talk about you a lot. We've talked about you in like interviews on other shows. And we've also, we've used this as an example a lot on calls. And it's how I wake up.

Yes. So Jamie, you started living with your husband and when you did, he does a morning routine where he takes off all his clothes and he stretches by the bed and you're seeing things that you don't want to see. Yes. Yes, exactly. And your question was, what do I do now? We talked about maybe putting a little like barrier up. This was the beginning, I think, of Fire With Fire. I don't think we pitched Divorce.

which was you stretch in front of him. Yep. Show him. You show him what he's showing you. And so walk us through what you did and where you're at and what our final advice was and all the good stuff. Okay. Well, it kind of backfired. So I was going to, I took the advice. I was going to throw underwear at him. Oh yeah. That's right. Yeah.

But I ended up letting him listen to the episode in hopes that he'd be like, oh, man, like, that is weird. But it actually turned out that he was like, these guys think it's fine. And they think your dad's weird because he wears a T-shirt in the pool. I forgot about dad. I forgot about dad in the pool. And he's like, you come from a family of weirdos. I'm the normal one. Yes.

By the way, when he listens to this too, to your husband, what's up, man? You're not wrong. You're not wrong. Whatever I say to Jamie, that was a lie. I'm with you. Keep stretching that weird butt in front of her. Let them balls hang. We need a butt t-shirt. All right. So keep going, Jamie. Okay. Well, I was going to say, I actually have my husband here with me. Oh, my Lord. He's about to defend himself. Please help him hop on. But before I pass it over, I wanted to make sure you guys are still on my side.

Right? I am definitely on your side. Yes. I got to tell you, Jamie, I go which way the wind blows. I am on your side. I am on your side. I'm on your side. Okay. Okay. I'm passing you over. His name is Jordan. Here he is. Hey, what's up, fellas? What's up, Jordan? First of all, congrats. So, man, I feel like I am, you know, I'm a working man. I got an eight to five.

I learned a long time ago, you know, in order for me to get a workout in, to run or to lift, whatever it is.

I got to do it in the morning because when I get home from work, I'm not going to want to do it. And so I feel like I'm being efficient. You know what I mean? After I get done with my workout, I take off my clothes, go shower. And as I'm getting out, brushing my teeth, doing my thing, you know, I'm being efficient. I'm taking advantage of my time to bird with one stone. And I feel like if Elon Musk would do something like this, he's a genius, you know, but for me to do it.

you know being a citizen i feel like i'm i'm weird i'm crazy what's going on right i just don't get it i feel like if anything she should be thanking me right like i'm rocking a dad bod right now and i'm you know a dad bod is you know one half step away are you even on your side keep going jordan you're on fire you're on fire so she should be thanking you first direction keep going

Yeah. I feel like I'm like, I'm one half step away from t-shirt at a pool. Right. And so like, I'm trying to do my job. You're fighting for your fucking sex appeal for her.

Exactly. You're trying to keep it high and tight for her. You're stretching those fucking hammies so that she can go, damn. And you can go, my body is your toy, my dear. Oh, God. Put it back in the box from time to time. This pyramid is for you to climb. No, no, no. Wrong. Jordan, let me ask you this, Jordan. Because look,

I fully support the idea that you're trying to be efficient. And you got to do it in the morning. I agree with that. Understandable. What's the resistance to putting a little bit of fabric just over the area, the zone? Jordan, he's got a point. Why not wear underpants? We're talking about eight seconds. Garrett, you're totally right. Eight seconds. Everything you said about Elon Musk, the efficiency, all true. Throw some underpants on, no? No.

But, man, like, so I'm in this routine. I'm 34 years old. I've been doing this for however long. Like, my body is trained. I can do it without thinking. Get out of the shower, start brushing my teeth, and instantly start doing it. I could easily. I could walk, you know, on the other side of the bedroom to the closet and do that. But, man, that's just going to throw off my entire day. And, by the way, I'm with you again now. The efficiency. Jake, you are running wind sprints over this call. Yes.

He's 34 years old. His body's for her. He has time. I'm going to tell you. If Elon Musk did it, he's a genius. He's putting chips in monkey heads.

This is what I would say. Why not two pitches and then a rationale? Let's keep the towel on after the shower if you're worried about wasting this 20 seconds that it takes to walk across a room. I feel like you probably don't live in Buckingham Palace. It's probably easy to go find where your clothes are or

Or why not keep it on? Or why not bring a pair of boxers in the bathroom and have them folded somewhere where you could just put them on after and you can do your stretches? And here's why.

Number one, marriage about compromise. Someone has shot off a flare in this household and has asked for a little bit of help. And number two, for your own benefit, you want to preserve the magic. You want her to get excited when she sees your sloan. You want her to be excited when the clothes come off. There's something about I'm not saying that you should feel inhibited, but there's something to the idea of we're showing we're only showing at

the car after a washing and a waxing in a good way. And that makes her want to drive the automobile a little bit more. Gareth is saying you're a hot, sexy hunk. Put on a little burlesque show in the morning with this. Am I wrong, Garth? No, I think, look, we've got the dad bod. We know everyone loves it, but let's not show the dad schlong. Let's keep that under wraps a little bit. Jordan, what's our rebuttal to what Gareth says? Because whatever you say, I'm probably going to jump on the train. 100%. Jake's going to get dizzy. How are we fighting this one?

I mean, I think, like, that's not a bad idea to take the underwear and, you know, into the bathroom on the front end. But so, like, you dry yourself off with a towel, right? But, like, how dry are you completely? You know what I mean? Dry. Dry.

I don't know if like, like there's still a little bit of dampness that needs time. How about this? Here's what I'm going to pitch. You get out of the shower, you dry yourself with the towel, which again, when we're talking about routines, that's a big part of it. You're forgetting about efficiency, Gareth. No, I'm not. I'm going to continue. Brush your teeth.

Right. Then when your teeth are brushed, you should have dried off. Put on those underwear. I think you're forgetting he works from eight to five. And I remember that. Don't try to out blue collar me. Just why not have a pair of underpants that are for our post shower, our stretch. And then after you've got those on, we can then move into the day pair. So we're talking about a cumulative.

Forty five second addition of time, which I think for your lovely wife, whom you care about, who you love to get naked with. He's doing this for her. She enjoys this all a little bit more. Forty five seconds of time with an underwear swap. Nothing like that. I'm not asking you to be Lady Gaga. You just got a pair of underwear for the stretch in and then you got a pair of underwear for the work day, which we respect. We respect our working class. Jordan, our rebuttal, please, sir.

Oh, gosh. I mean, that's just taking away. That's adding. So 45 seconds, you multiply that by seven. Jordan, Jordan, Jordan. Wait, hold on, Gareth. Let us do our rebuttal. I mean, the amount of time that he's spending on this call, we could have had 15 underwear ads.

Jordan, what's our rebuttal to that? You're talking about 45 seconds times 30 years. You've just, there's a life that's been lost. It's just like, we're just, we're just throwing time down the drain. If we're adding some of those things, I don't know. I think you love your wife too much to waste all that time.

Exactly. It's insane because that's time that could be holding each other's hands, having a bottle of white wine together on some picnic. But instead, she's not going to want to go on that. She's seen the inside of your sphincter. Jordan, for the love of God, I think we're just talking about there are certain spots that are only meant for the doctors. And we're to your you can't be walking around, you know, peeling backstage curtains to a show that she wants to watch when she's ready to watch it.

I think, again, and I'm going to say it for the last time, I think the move here, you could even make it cutesy and you could get a pair of specialty underwear made that on the back said my stretch pants, darling. And you just put those on for the post shower stretch while you're drying while things again, I think you're a grown man. I could even send you a video on how to dry yourself, but but that'll be on OnlyFans. But.

But I just think add that little time. Add that little time and it preserves the met. You're talking about a lifelong marriage. You want to get as much out of this show as you possibly can. So I think this a little goes a long way here. So Jordan, what do you think about a pair of

Funny underwear for her, a message on the butt, something like this is for you or this is all for you or whatever it is. What do you think about a funny pair of underpants you're putting on to heighten the romance and the gamemanship?

of the work you're doing you know for her you're putting you're getting your body ready for her i get it the reason i do my crunches i do my squats yeah you're welcome you're welcome sweetheart yes that way she's reminded every day of the sacrifice that i'm making i can get behind that and

And you, you believe in what you're saying. So we fully support the rationale. And I think you're right. This should buy you a little something. So you're negotiating chip. You're welcome on the back of a pair of tidy whiteys. It's great.

That you get like a 10 pack of them on Etsy. Yes. That every day you work or you put them on and she's watching you bend over. But it says you're welcome. Yes. Jordan, I got to say is a pretty big win for you. And then the next time that you're debating whether you want burgers or Thai food, you get to, you know, you're tipping over the edge for Thai food because of your welcomes. Now, is this something you're going to do, Jordan?

I think we can get behind that one. I think so. Okay, good. Yeah. There we go. Okay. Can you throw Jamie back on the phone? Yeah, I will. Thanks, buddy. Thank you, Jordan. All right. I think I can get behind that too. So you guys, you're both pretty happy with this solution.

Yes, because he'll be covered. Jamie, it's your job now to get him the underpants with the thing on it. Yes. He's a man of efficiency. Yeah, he doesn't have time for this. He can't be going on Etsy. Jamie, he works from 8 to 5.

And then he's got a stretch and he can barely fucking dry himself. If Elon Musk's wife wanted him in a pair of underpants, she's buying him. You are married to yoga Warren Buffett. Get in line. So I think the compromise is this. Jordan will wear the underpants.

But you got to bring them to him. And you have to have them in the bathroom. So put a little stack in the bathroom. When he does it, Jamie. Jamie, listen, with Greg. It's not a problem for Jordan. Well, yes. Only the other pants. He didn't have time.

Jamie, this is your part. Do you understand the work he's doing to his body? He's doing it for you. Good Lord. He is creating a sexual fucking pyramid for you to climb on. Jamie, when you hear this callback, you will see Jake has taken some really bizarre turns on it.

And and honestly, I'm just going to tell you, we got to the best place possible considering how much Jake was blowing in the wind on this call. So I think we came to a good end. We did. And I think an end is the only place we could come to when we're talking about covering up the ass.

But I will say, I think that this is as good as it gets. And we give free advice that is free. But I think on this one, the price tag will be, we want a picture of him in these stretching with the face blurred out. Or just the underpants. Or just the underpants. And then one of them without it.

Sorry, I'm blushing. We'll blur that out. Can you send us a photo of the underpants with what you'd be? You're welcome. You can even put your name on it, too. You're welcome, Jamie. However you guys want to decide. And this is our first time asking for someone to send us a picture of their underpants. Not the first time you've ever asked that. No, not the first time I've asked. The first time on air. Yeah, Gareth is like, that's the 850th time I've asked for a woman to send me a photo of the underpants. And this will be the first time I get the yes.

And it's of her husband. Jamie and Jordan, we appreciate your call. Yeah. Good luck. Keep us posted. Thanks guys.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.