I Choose...Co-Parenting with Peter Facinelli Pt. 1 44:47

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Like co-parenting after a divorce. When you become a parent, you don't think, how will I approach parenting if my relationship falls apart? You only start to think about co-parenting when you are forced to because it's now your new reality. Co-parenting can be really frustrating and it can leave you feeling lonely and defeated. But on the other hand, it can be collaborative and rewarding if everyone is working together.

Today, I am joined by someone whom I was married to. He's the father of my three girls and someone I will be co-parenting with for the rest of my life. We have never sat down together and talked about our divorce or our journey to co-parenting. So maybe I'm a little nervous and I'm kind of excited about this conversation. Welcome Peter Facinelli to the I Choose Me podcast. This

This is wild. You here. Yeah. In the I Choose Me studio. It feels like therapy. It feels like we're at a therapy session. It does. Now that you bring it up, this couch, I'm starting to get a little sweaty under my pits. Yeah, this is wild because we haven't really sat down and had a conversation, certainly not a public conversation about anything, you know, regarding our marriage or divorce.

Or co-parenting. So this is a very big step for us. I think it'll be good. Let's just say this, start off by saying I feel really blessed that we have such wonderful kids. And that we're, you know, through the other side of it. I mean, our youngest is 17, which she'll be 18 in a few months. And, you know, parenting is hard. It's really hard. Yeah. Yeah.

You were just 21 years old when you had a baby. Yeah, I was a baby, having a baby. That is, I mean, we didn't really understand back then how young that was to become a parent, but now looking back and seeing our own 21-year-old, can you imagine her having a daughter? No. How did that... I pray every day. I'm like, please don't have a baby yet. I know. Because, you know, you need a little bit of wisdom and a little bit of knowledge.

At that age, at 21, you were a year older, so you weren't that much older, 22. But you had been working since you were 15 in the business. So I literally just landed in L.A.,

I moved here and six months later I was having a baby. So, you know, that wasn't planned, obviously. But, you know, we lasted a long time. We did for Hollywood years. I mean... And here we are. We had a good run. We had a very good run. And even when we were apart...

you know, we had to, we had to work together a lot of times, a lot, a lot of times it wasn't easy, uh, you know, for either one of us. I, I think, I think that really stems, you know, looking back on it is I felt like we were two parents that cared a lot.

And so whatever friction came up was because we really did care about our children. There are some parents that they're just like, I don't care, you deal with it or I don't care, I'll deal with it. And they're busy, but we both really cared passionately about our kids and really wanted the best for them. And sometimes our ideologies would not mesh

But somehow we worked it out and we have really good kids. Yeah, we're very lucky. Whatever we did, whether it was right or wrong, like they grew up to be wonderful kids. Yeah. And I feel very fortunate about that. I know. Let's just go back to the beginning though because when we first decided to break up-

you know, separate the divorce, everything. We settled on shared custody. I think that

A lot of the listeners out there, either they're going through a divorce with kids and entering into the next step of co-parenting with their ex, or people just want to know how to handle this situation. Because you don't ever really think when you get together, when you first start a relationship with somebody, you don't think about, hmm, what are we going to do if this doesn't work out? How am I going to co-parent with this person? Yeah.

We settled on shared custody, 50-50. I know for me, there were times when I really emotionally regretted that decision or not fighting harder for more. But at the same time, I knew that having them be 50% of their time with you, their father, was absolutely the best thing for them. And

Whatever I was dealing with, that part of me that wanted to have them more was just me being selfish and thinking about myself because it hurt so bad when they would leave. How was it for you when that 50-50 deal came up and you had to give them up? It was always hard. Listen.

Co-parenting is hard. Divorce is hard. I didn't have a model for it. My parents weren't divorced. We were flying blind. Yeah. So, I mean, married at 21. We were together, what, 10 years? I think married. I mean, we were together for five. Then we got married after five. Luca was, you know, was our flower girl. So that's 10. At five.

And then I think she was like 12. We were married in 2001, divorced in 2012. So that's like 11 years plus five, 15, 16 years. That's a long run. And we had three kids. And, you know, it broke my heart to break up a family, you know, and it was one of those decisions that was like,

You never know if you're making the right decision. But, you know, we made the decision. And then it was all about trying to find a balance and picking up the kids and knowing that they were going to miss you for the week and then dropping them off knowing they were going to miss me for a week. Because it's hard. Because they were young. Well, Luca was 12 or 13 and Lola was like 8 or 9. 6? No, I think she was like 8 or 9.

Because she was sick when she was six. Remember? And Fiona must have been like four. She was like four. Yeah. So...

You know, not easy at all. I wish I had, you know, I wish I could look back and say, here's the way to do it. But I still don't know like the best way if we, if it was like, should we have done two weeks apart? But then that feels even longer. I know sometimes we try that, you know, in the summers, we'd be like, well, maybe two weeks with you, two weeks with me. And that would be, you know, too long. And so, yeah.

I don't know. Look, it's a tough thing. I also felt like, you know, for the kids, they'd always like pack a bag and come to my house and then pack a bag and then go to your house. And I always felt like they were like, I felt like they were visiting me and maybe choosing a home, like your house is like the home house. And, you know, there's a lot of feelings of like, well,

Is my house the house they come visit? Is your house the house they visit? Where's their home? Where's their home? Some parents will get what they call nesting and they'll get one house and the parents move back and forth. And we talked about that, I think, for a split second. But then it's hard. You break up with somebody. You're not in a relationship with them.

And you still have to see them all the time. You still have to, you know, work with them. You're making decisions together. And that's not always easy, especially when, you know, sometimes the decisions...

aren't something that you both agree on. And I think that was hard on both of us because then where's the compromise? How do you compromise? And in some way, we found our way through it and it wasn't always fun. It wasn't always pleasant. But like I said, our kids are

you know, on the other side of it, our kids turned out really wonderful. And I feel like they needed both of us, you know, they really did a benefit from having both of us. And I always felt that like, if you're, if the parents are okay, then the kids will be okay. You know? So like, like when, if we were had tension, I feel like the kids felt it. So I was always trying to keep that away from them, you know, wasn't, wasn't always successful, but like,

When we're in agreement, that always felt like

Even if they weren't in agreement with our decision, there was a power dynamic that mom and dad are coming together on this issue that felt unified and felt good. Do you recall any times when the girls pitted us against one another? I mean, I recall like with our youngest, there were times when we were both unified in something. We both sat down with our parents.

And she was like, she hated that. She was like, this isn't how it works. Cause she liked being able to kind of pit us against each other or, you know, in some ways she'll still do it now in some ways where she'll, you know, come to my house and, and it'll be great. And, uh, and then I'll hear from like our middle daughter, Lola, uh,

that she'll say something like, oh, well, she said she was kind of sad and depressed. And I'm like, well, why would she say that? We had a great week together. And then you'll hear she was kind of sad and depressed, but it's really because she wanted to go to a party and she's kind of playing you, you know, to go to this party. I think that, yeah, I get played a lot more than you do. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, it's hard because it's like,

They do play us against each other. And I think that where we could have done better or I could have done better probably is communicating more, you know, because we spent a lot of time texting back and forth. Oh, my God. And the texting. So many texts. Was like, you know, there's a Key and Peele skit. I don't know if you ever saw it, but like.

you know, in the skit, they'll be like, hey, I'm coming over. And the other person will be like, whatever. And I'll be like, whatever. Oh, yes. Yes. And so you can really read into this. You really can read into he didn't put a period there. Why is it in caps when my phone just like, you know. Well, for me, I know how you talk so well. Like, I understand our cadence together and even our sense of humor. So I hear you when I read the text most of the times. Yeah.

But I think that's dangerous too though sometimes because sometimes I might be meaning it a completely different way. And you too. And I think – listen, we haven't really spoken a lot about life, about stuff in years. So I honestly don't know you. Don't know me. I don't know you and I don't think you know me. And yet it's like when you go home and you're with like your mom –

Or your dad or, you know, your sisters and and they just treat you like you're 16, 17, 18, like, you know, the time they saw you last when you were younger. And so there's this feeling of like, oh, I know her because we were together for so long. But but you've grown into this mature, wonderful adult woman. And and and I've grown. And so.

But when we look at each other, we still look at each other like the 21, 22-year-old version of each other. So that becomes dangerous because we're always kind of reading into things or looking at things. And I think that if we were – and it's hard because there's a lot of –

Well, if I get into, if I jump on the phone, I don't want to get into an argument. I don't want to have to ruin my day. I don't want to. So you end up texting back and forth thinking that you're, you know, trying not to get in, but then you end up arguing back and forth on a text. It's a lot of wasted time and energy. We wasted so much time trying to prove our points to one another. And I think that both of us regret that. When we, when we got together and we ever talked it through, um,

It was like, oh, she's not really attacking me. I want to ask you, just because this is a huge deal when you break up with your family and then you have the kids every other week. And our kids were little, so it was full time. I remember we lived up north at that time. I had moved up there because you were traveling a lot for work. And you had to actually rent a house up there for your off weeks. Do you remember that?

I don't even remember that. You don't remember renting that house up, that beautiful house with the view, and you literally never stayed in it? Probably why I don't remember it. Because the girls didn't want to go to it? I don't remember it. Oh, my God. I think what I remember was we had an RV, and so I would stay in the RV when I went up there. I don't remember a house. I remember the RV. That's where we broke up. Yeah. That's the RV where you told me-

It was over, I think. In the RV? In the RV. That's why we sold that RV. Well, for me. Glad you don't remember. But how did you heal? Because you were in pain and healing in your own way.

from a breakup. How did you do that when you... with the kids? When you had the kids or when you didn't have the kids? I mean, I... When I had the kids, I just made it about them. Right. You know? And I think that's... was me trying to shield it from them. Like, I'm okay. You know what I mean? Because, look, I think that...

There's no manual for parenting. You know what I mean? And it's really hard. You have a kid. I'm 21 years old. And you're like, well, what do I do? So you just look at what your parents did. And my mom, I never knew if she was happy or sad. She didn't really show her emotions. She kind of just made it about me. You know what I mean? Like, how was my day? And so she was always like a rock. And so I kind of tried to model that for the kids. Yeah.

And you're more of like, hey, it's okay for the kids to see emotions and show, you know, and I think that's part of your upbringing. So like. That's, I think, one of the biggest differences in our parenting styles. And I knew that early on. I remember going to your house in Queens and.

And Noni, Bruna, your mom, I remember it was so much energy, Italian dinners and the family. And I was not used to that. I come from a really quiet family. And I remember just being over, I was pregnant also. So feeling those like we weren't married and I was in this Catholic home, like illegitimate baby mama, like it felt very weird. So I remember there was one point when I just couldn't hold it anymore. My emotions came out. And I remember Noni coming back to the girls' room where we would stay. And she was like, it's okay, don't cry.

Don't cry. Don't cry. Like she said, don't cry. Don't cry. And for me, I was like, what do you mean? Don't cry. Like I have to cry to get this out. So you're like that difference in our upbringing was so apparent and it really did cross over into our parenting styles because you are, you are much more, what's the word when you're not as emotional? Not that you're not emotional, but like you're much more, um,

I try to stay stronger so that my whatever I'm going through doesn't affect them. And so when they came over to the house, it was more about how they're feeling. So it wasn't like I was suppressing their feelings. It was more of me not showing them how happy, sad about them not being there.

I really tried to do that. You always... Yeah, but it's your, you know, how you were raised. You know what I mean? And I think that, like I said, they kind of benefited from both. You know, they looked at it and it was like, it's okay to express emotions and it's okay to be strong. You know? I mean, we had... Also, I felt like sometimes we differed in like parenting in the sense that, you know, when I saw the kids uncomfortable about something...

I looked at it as an opportunity for them to grow through it. Right. And we still deal with this because you hate when they're uncomfortable. I do. I want to, you just want to make them feel good all the time and hug them and love them. And that's a beautiful trait. And, and so we would clash on that because I'm like, you know, when we were together, I remember it was a little easier. Cause like, you know, we were trying to, it's just easier when you're together and you're just supporting each other. And, and there were times when our youngest, our oldest Luca,

You know, it's five and you say, she's not making any friends. You got to go help her make friends. I go over, I'd be like, hey, this is Luca Bella. You know, you need to, you should be friends with her. And so, and then as she got older, it was like, she didn't develop the skill set to like make friends because I was the one making friends for her. So like, you know, when I was younger, it was like,

It was more of an approach of with my parents of like letting me fall and then, you know, letting me get up. And if they needed me, you know, if they if I really needed them, they were there. But they let me, you know, grow through things. You know what I mean? Mm hmm.

And you had a mom and dad who were just there all the time celebrating you. And like, I always loved that. I think we had two extremes, you know? Our upbringings. Our upbringings were like, I could have used a little bit more of the parenting. Love and the nurturing. Love and nurturing. And like...

My first job, I was 12 years old. I was a paper boy. I was delivering papers to the neighborhood and I worked seven days a week. You know what I mean? So having a job is what I knew at an early age. I wanted to instill that in my kids. If they were uncomfortable about things and you would call me and be like, well, so-and-so is bothering them at school. And I'd be like, let's give them tools to like, you know.

get through it and and you're you know it's not something wrong it's just your ideology is more like let's let's fix it for them let's help them you know in the sense of making this space comfortable for them so they can grow you know so i think we still deal with that sometimes you know but again

I think that there's two, having the two parenting styles somehow works because we have such incredible children. Mm-hmm.

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What does co-parenting mean to you? Like in general? I mean, it's tough. Like what does it take? Yeah. It takes patience. It takes a lot of... And again, we could have been better at it and I still try to be better at it. A lot of trying to understand where the other person is coming from. Because I think when we...

had a passion for something, you know, about something our kids were going through. And we understood, you know, where you were coming from and where I was coming from. Even if we didn't agree on the, you know, end result of it, there was a compassion there that I think helped us through it. You know what I mean? So it takes compassion. It takes understanding. It takes, I think also when you're divorced, right?

There's a feeling of, am I a good parent? Maybe the other person is a better parent. And it flips flops. I feel like you feel that way too, if I'm not wrong. And wanting the other parent to go, hey, I'm a good parent too. And so you're always trying to prove to the other parent, no, I'm... Yeah, there was a lot of that for us because I would send them to you and I would think they weren't being taken care of well enough or to my standards or whatever it was.

But then just I would have to step back from that because like you were doing the best you could and giving them all the things that you knew to give them. Yeah. Like it was hard because when I dropped them off to your house, I'm like they're with their mom and I know they're safe and they're comfortable. And if they need me, I'm here. And I think in the beginning, a lot of it was like.

Are you picking up Fiona at school? Are you feeding her this? I wasn't sure. And so there was a lot of like safeguard. And I was like, I got it. I got it covered. Don't worry. I think that's what led us to, I remember there was a point in,

for us when you in one of our many text exchanges you said leave me alone I'll do it my way you do it your way and those were points where we would just reach a point where we couldn't communicate anymore those walls you know were up well it's hard when I'm trying to parent and like

I feel like I'm always being looked over like I'm not doing it well or not doing it right. And it's like, I need to be able to have the space to parent my own way. And then we have to come together on obviously certain terms of certain rules and stuff. And it always helped when we had the same rules in the same house. So it wasn't like, here's chocolate and candy. But it wasn't that.

It was just always like, I think you were a little nervous that I was going to be late or I was going to pick up Fiona on time or, you know, don't forget she has soccer or don't forget. And I was like, I have the calendar. I've got it. You know, there's a lot of letting go. Yeah, then you would text me like 10 minutes before going, wait, where do I go? Yeah, sometimes. But yeah, it takes, listen, again, when you break up with someone and then you still have this immense, tremendous responsibility with them.

it's you have to put everything aside to like to work together and there's still a lot of pain there in the of the relationship not working out a lot of feeling like if you failed the kids or i you know we failed the kids in some way and a lot of feelings of like you know um my way is right your way is wrong your way is right my way is wrong and so like

But waiting through all of that and going, what's best for them? You know, not what makes me feel like a good parent or you feel like a good parent. What's really best for them? Yeah, it's so hard, though. And it's hard, but it's like, I think what we were good at is we loved our kids so much.

That we were somehow able to get to a point where even if we didn't agree, they were okay. I also think kids are resilient. They're very resilient in the sense that we felt like, well, if I lose this point, they're going to be messed up for life. Or if I give in on this and...

they go to this school and you want them to go to that school that they're going to, their whole life's going to be. And it's not, I think that they're going to have their lessons in that, whatever they're going through and they're going to grow from that experience. And so I never looked at it like, well, maybe if they went here and they didn't go there, they'd end up differently because they're, they have a way of ending up where they're supposed to. Always. That's how life works. But I think that when you are a child of divorce, you,

your younger years are so much more challenging. There's just so much more going on in your head and your heart, you know, conflict and questions and being uncertain. You know, I think that there's so much that they have to process. And that, I mean, for most people that I've talked to, if you're a child of divorce, that's something that is in you for the rest of your life. It's in. So when you say, I think kids are resilient,

I agree with you on some level, but I also think that- I think that goes back to our ideologies because I think that that uncomfortableness that they carry made them stronger to be who they are. I'm not arguing that. No, absolutely. I agree with you. I think every challenge that we all go through takes us to the next step, to the next step, to the next step of our evolution and our growing. And I think that

But I think that when kids are put in the position of being children of divorce, you're adding in something that

they didn't create. So their natural like story at life journey takes a left turn or right turn. Yeah. But I, I'm a, I'm big on, on the story of it all because like whatever story you create for them is the story they're going to believe. And I always felt that we, what maybe we could have done better as creating a universal story of that, that,

would have been more beneficial to them. I'll give you an example. My dad works seven days a week. I didn't see him Monday through Friday at all. He left in the mornings at 9 a.m. I went to school at 6, 7 a.m., so I went to school before he woke up.

And then he would come home at 2 a.m. So I didn't see him. And on Saturdays, he worked. So I saw him in the mornings and then I saw him on Sunday. That's all. So I saw my dad one day a week. And if I had a mom who was just like, your dad's never here. He's never around. I'm doing everything around here. I would have hated my dad.

But I had a mom who was always like, your dad's working so hard for us. Your dad's putting food on the table. Your dad, you know, work hard because your dad works hard and you got, you know, he's going to be proud of you. And so this tape that I was hearing, my dad was a superhero to me and I never was angry at him for not being around. I looked at him as this role model of like somebody who like gave up a lot for his family. And I feel like,

So the tape we play for our kids of like – I think a lot of times we would villainize each other and it would just be there, not in the sense that we villainize each other in front of our kids, but they could tell if there's tension there or like you're in a disagreement with me or I'm in a disagreement with you and they feel it. And like, you know, is mom right? And then you're putting them in position. We're putting them in positions to like choose sides and stuff.

And so like, yes, there's something they carry. And I don't come from divorced parents, so I don't know what that would be. But I always felt like if you and I stayed unified, if you and I could get along, if you and I could work together and they saw that there was still love there, even though we weren't in this relationship,

That they could walk away going, you know, with the story of mom and dad are still in our corners. Maybe they're not together, but they're in our corners. And then they would grow from a more positive experience out of it instead of like,

divorce is bad. Divorce is negative. I do agree with you. I think that we're talking about two different things. I think we're talking about the psychological impact of a divorce on a young child and how it progresses through the rest of their life. And I think we're also talking about the story or trying to model for your kids. And I think that

what you're saying is absolutely true. Actually, it was making me feel a little emotional while you were talking about that because I know I could have been better about that. And I know you know I could have been better about that. And that's hard for me because I did my best. But sometimes my best wasn't the best. And I acknowledge that and it pains me now to see that I created

something there for us to deal with, for them to deal with because of my, just my pain or whatever it was. Like I said, we haven't really talked about any of this. But here's the thing, like, even though you might've felt that and you feel that now and like, you know, yeah, we went through that. Like, I know that our daughter Lola today was like, I'm so, I'm so excited for you and mom to talk about. Because they're, cause they know that, you know, our kids really like,

i mean knock on wood they're they're just so incredible you know what i mean like i'm so proud of them they're so smart they're so like our daughter's 20 and like she she doesn't even like to like drink she doesn't go out partying she's like very like focused on what she wants out of life like i mean i didn't have it all together at 20. you know what i mean the way our kids have it together and our oldest daughter too you know is you know she went off to new york at

23 or 24 and on her own, you know, got an apartment on her own, got a job on her own and was able to like, you know, be autonomous. And like, we were always there for her, but she didn't, you know, she, she was able to take care of herself and, and to this day still is. And like, I look at that and I'm like, well, we must've done something right. Cause you know, a lot of kids today, um,

If they grow up and they're too reliant on their parents, they don't leave the house till they're 30. I know a lot of friends whose kids are just still kind of kicking around, not knowing, partying or getting into drugs.

we were really blessed with our kids that they, they just grew up so wonderful. And I think it, it, you know, I, I can't, I can't sit here and say we did a terrible job when our kids are so good. Cause I really think that, you know, whatever happened, you know, yes, there were things we could have dealt with better and both ends, but like,

they really benefited from both worlds. I think when you're co-parenting too, if there are parents out there that are getting divorced, if they could put... Yeah, I was going to ask you, do you have any advice? All that pain aside and the differences aside and try to keep the front unified and get on the phone and if you have a disagreement or don't see eye to eye on something,

texting isn't going to help. You know what I mean? I think both of us felt like, oh, I don't want to rock the apple cart and like call and... It's boat. You don't want to rock the boat. Tip the apple cart? No. Rock the boat? Spill the apple cart. Spill the apple cart? I think. Yeah. Go ahead. This is why we got the void.

Don't text because when you can talk to the other person as hard as it is. I didn't want to talk to you though. Yeah, no, but that's the thing. When you're divorced, you don't want to have to talk to the other person. You know what I mean? And you want to talk as little as possible. But you have to, when you have kids involved, you have to. I know. Did you, like I said before, you never looked at me and thought, I'm going to be bound to this person for the rest of my life by having children with her. Yeah.

No, I mean, when you don't really think of it, I mean, when you're, when you listen, when we had our first child, I wasn't thinking about, you know, life. I was 21 years old. I was thinking about the, the moments, you know, and we, we came together very fast and very fierce. It was very, you know, quick. And then I remember thinking, well,

let's move in together and see how it goes. And then it kind of just went like five years went by and I thought, well, we should get married. And then we got married and then we had another kid. And then it felt like it was almost like an arranged marriage in a way. And things seemed well. And, you know, you know, we, we, we had disagreements here and there, but it was like, I think it was, we were really young.

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We really did create a special family. Like whatever was going on between you and I really felt separate a lot of the time. And then our little happy family dwelling. Well, I think we were able to shield it more from the kids. And also, I don't think I spoke up as much, you know what I mean? Because I was younger. I hadn't really formed my own identity of who I was yet.

And so I just felt like, well, I'll just be what everybody needs me to be. And I think that, you know, as time went by, I was like, well, I don't even know who I am anymore. You know what I mean? Like, like I kind of fell into your world because you had more of an established world. And that was tough because I remember we had a beautiful house, but like, you know, I didn't have anything on the walls that I felt like was mine. I felt like I was like supporting this life that was yours and,

that I didn't... When we got divorced, I didn't know what furniture to put in my house. I didn't even know what color I wanted to paint the walls. I was like, I don't know. I had to really find me. You know what I mean? Because I was so... For so many years, living this... For being a dad, living these parts, being a husband, being a dad, being this perfect family. And so...

I never really fully got in touch with, and I didn't really have time to. I mean, I went from my mom and dad's house, moved to LA, you know, I had been working on projects and within six months we were having a baby. So, you know, I didn't fully have the, I didn't have a sense of who I was. And so I was just trying to be

All these things for other people, you know? So when that fell apart, it took me time to try to, you know, get in touch with me and what I liked and what do I want for dinner? I don't know, you know? Do you remember that being like a main part of your decision to get a divorce? Like that you felt like I need to...

find myself. I need to be able to express myself. I'm not, I'm not able to do that in this marriage. I felt that. Yeah. I felt a lot of it was like I was in this marriage and it felt to me a little bit like an arranged marriage. You know what I mean? Like I loved you and we had this beautiful family on, you know, from the outside, but I just was, I hadn't, hadn't developed who I was. So like, how could you love me?

I don't even know how you could love me because I didn't know me. I was being whatever you needed me to be. Sometimes we would drive up to your mom's house and I was the guy who planned the vacations. I was the dad. I was the soccer coach. Then I'd go play parts and I was this other person playing parts. I was just like, "Well, I never got to fully develop me."

I didn't know who I was. And so I needed to figure that out. And you didn't feel like you... I didn't feel like I had the space to do it within the marriage. No. So I think that was a big part of it. Because I felt like time was going by. And I didn't want to wake up and be like 60 years old and feel like, well, did I live this life for all these other people and not know who I was? I just needed...

to go sort that you know what i mean and i think listen it was all all part of just you know you you had already been established and working since you were 15 so like by the time you were 22 i was young but like we were in different places you know i mean we're just in different places at 22 you were already eight seven years eight years into you know your show

And almost wanting to retire. And I was just like, no, I'm just starting. I want to explore, you know, my career, my craft. And I just, it was just also timing, you know what I mean, of where we were. I mean, considering all of that, we really did last a long time. Yeah. I think because of the children. Yeah. Because.

You know, we kept having kids. I think that if we didn't have kids, I wouldn't have stayed because I would have had the freedom to go, okay, I need to be able to figure out who I am, you know. I think, though, if you love someone and you are in a family, like, I'm not trying to debate your decision at all because everything's great now. But, like, I think if you can ultimately grow and find yourself in a relationship, you know,

rather than saying I need to leave my family to figure that out. There was part of me, and listen, and I was very conflicted. There was part of me that was like, do I stay in this? Do I leave it? I also felt gutted to break a family apart. It wasn't an easy decision by any means. It was a decision that I felt like I kind of

had to make. And I feel like, you know, you, and looking back, I feel like it was the right decision because what you don't want to do is stay in a relationship and play a part and then feel like your life went by and the kids, you know, grew up in it, but they were, you know, they, they, they didn't, uh,

that there was an underlying emptiness there that I wouldn't have been able to like, would have had. It's almost like on one hand, they missed out on that idyllic family, my parents are still married kind of thing. But on the other hand, they gained so much more emotional depth and so much more strength, I think, and so many other things from experiencing that.

The way it happened with us. Well, I hope, look, if, if my kids are ever in a relationship that they feel like, okay, this relationship isn't really, you know, servicing me in a way that's making me grow. And I hope that they, you know, have the courage to, to leave that relationship so that they can continue to grow and learn. And I, and I, and I think, look, wherever we were at that time, I didn't feel like I had the space to do it within our relationship.

And so part of me was like, what am I staying in this relationship to teach them? Because what if they're, they get into a relationship one day and they're, they don't want to leave it because they don't want to, they don't want to break the idyllic, you know, relationship image of this, you know, it's hard to leave relationships, especially the longer you're in it. It takes a lot of, it takes a lot of courage to,

To actually to do that. So I, yeah, I felt like you wanted me to like, say like, thank you for your courage, but I could never get to that. I don't, I don't, I, I am, I honestly, I remember distinctly you saying to me in that RV, um,

Jen, someday you're going to thank me for this. And I got so pissed at you. I was like, I'm never going to thank you for this. I mean, but you're in a wonderful marriage now with an incredible man. My point is, thank you for doing it, for all the growth that I've experienced from it and because of it. I wouldn't be who I am now. And I wouldn't be the parent that I am now. Yeah.

Without, well, first of all, without your partnership through all of the ups and downs of it, of co-parenting, no matter if we wanted to kill each other at times or not, we still were there for one another. They always had a dad. And I have the space within my heart now to really find all those areas of respect for you and your decision, why you made it for yourself.

Um, and how hard that was for you and, and, and your concern with the girls feelings and how it affected them. Um, and I have a lot of just gratitude knowing that you were a full-time dad. Like you were always there for the girls. You are always there for the girls and you're always there for me.

If I call you and I need some help with something or I'm struggling, there were times when I didn't feel that support from you when things were not good. And that was so difficult. I think that when women, when you're in a situation where your family is everything and then your husband's no longer with you, you feel alone and terrified. And especially if that partner isn't

amicable or showing that support or that respect for you, the mother, as the mother. I think that that is something I'm just so grateful for. Okay. I think this is a good place to take a pause. 10 years ago, I never imagined that I would be having this conversation about our divorce and co-parenting publicly, no less.

And I have to be honest, this conversation is hard for me on a few levels, but I am really glad that Peter and I are having it. And we have more to say, but let's save that. I just want to say, I hope that if you or someone you know is going through a breakup or divorce, you take away from this as cliche as it sounds. Time does heal those wounds.

I know, I know, I hated when people would say that to me in the throes of it all, but like any loss, those intense feelings do subside over time. I mean, look at us. Peter and I have come a long way and I am really proud of the progress that we've made over the years. As we move forward on this journey of choosing ourselves, let's do this. I encourage you this week to

to look back on a challenging time that you have experienced in your own life. Maybe you've gone through a divorce or lost a job or experienced an illness or financial difficulties, and now you're on the other side of that challenge. I want you to give yourself a little grace and congratulate yourself on

on how you process that and move forward. Seriously, think of it as giving yourself a hug. You did that. We are all warriors and survivors.

But sometimes we forget to be our own cheerleaders. Thank you for listening to I Choose Me. And hey, hey, hey, make sure to follow us on Instagram at I Choose Me with Jenny Garth. I really love hearing from you. I love you. And I hope you choose to come back next week.

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