"An Emergency With Our Closest Friend" (w/ Cole Escola) 01:45:32

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Look, Matt. Where? Oh, I see. Wow. Bowen, look over there. Wow, is that culture? Yes. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Las Culturistas.

Ding dong, Las Culturistas calling. I just gave prayer hands to the camera. It was involuntary. Well, we do praise God. Praise God. By the way, just so everyone knows moving forward, this is officially a Christian, Judeo-Christian podcast. If you have anything to say negative about the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, Old or New Testament, can it, Missy. You had a really tragic experience.

coming in. Not tragic energy, but you were a little ornery. You know what? I actually, as I was walking here today, I was like, am I going to show up as my bitchy self today? Or am I going to put up a front? No. But I'm choosing to be authentic today and say I'm in a bitchy mood because of two things. And you know when two things go wrong and then everything else is the third thing?

Well, you know, for the domino effect to happen, two dominoes have to fall. Or one has to fall. But one has to knock into the second. That's actually rule of culture number eight. For the domino effect to fall, one has to fall into the second.

Not our best. So tell us what happened. Well, the first thing was today I was coming back into New York City. Welcome, by the way. Thank you so much. I'm from Long Island, New York, because it was, of course, the day of mothers. Mother's Day. I spent the day with Katrina and co. And I came back in today and was going to open my AirPods.

Classic comedy. They fell out onto the train tracks. Classic comedy. And would you believe there actually was a moment where I was like, can I go on the train tracks and get my AirPods? And I said, can you imagine that type of death for me?

third rail and then you were gonna get railed tonight okay so then the second thing was I get a text like immediately after the air pods are gone I did not hop on the track that says my dick appointment that I had to cancel and I wanted to discuss the reason that he gave we don't know the reason we're about to get the big no and I said we the snake is eating its own tail in the gay community when it comes to reasons for canceling on dick appointments heard them all this is one I've used

having an emergency with his closest friend. I said, you know what? Just say that your friend needs you. When you said closest friend, that's what that was the tell. I'm having an emergency with my closest friend and they really need me, dot, dot, dot. Really wanted to hang out wondering about later or maybe when you get back to New York. This is fine. This is not a big deal. I'm just saying I've used that excuse. I'm not sure what the better excuse would be. Those are two severe words that are used in

proximity to each other that is suspicious. Emergency closest. Emergency and closest friend. Like, it's not just something came up. An emergency came up. No, it's just a friend. No, the closest friend. So what I'm saying is... We need to come up with a new excuse. We need new excuses, and I would love to brainstorm today with our noted queer guest, one of the biggest queers...

That's going to be really fun to talk to them. Yeah, definitely. But I think that I really needed the dick after the AirPods went away. I was already excited about it. You know who wants to fuck you? My dad. We can't talk about this. No, actually, don't tell me what I can't talk about. I'm in a bad mood as it is. I'm not comfortable with you talking about your father being attracted to me.

So Bowen has been sort of hitting the gym. And you better get comfortable with Lost Coach becoming the poster children for sex because we're working so hard in the gym. I went to Barry's today, but this isn't about me. This is about Bow. My dad said when you did the Mother's Day bit with your mom, who was perfect. Very, very sweet. My dad goes, Bowen looks fucking great. And he's saying fuck more than ever.

Boom, looks fucking great. He's been in the fucking gym. Fucking looking toned. Big arms. You don't have to know anything. Okay. Don't piss me off. Go ahead, calm yourself down. Because you're out of control. Is this what they call transference? I don't know what that means.

Wait, what I'm getting? He rubs himself. I'm getting transference. This is an auspicious day. An auspicious day. We have our guest.

Joining us back by popular demand. Literally, they beg. They beg us to do. They beg and plead and it wasn't the right time. And this is the right time because guess what? It's day one of their much deserved time off before previews begin for O'Mary on Broadway. You don't get bigger than Broadway. You don't get bigger than Broadway. There's no way up.

There's not any bigger stage. A lot of people have been asking, do you, and I swear to God, this is a conversation I have constantly with people in the community. How do you think they'll make it bigger and better? I don't think they have to. See, that's it. And that's my answer to every single individual. Thank you, sis.

Bigger and better? Shut up. I said, shut up. It's already big and good. It's already big and better. Bigger and better. Look, Bowen, I'm so happy that you have this. See, now I'm pissed off. We're so angry today. What else do you want? It is. I'm sorry. And I said this. I had the privilege of going opening night at the Lucille Hortel. I walked out of that saying, that is the funniest comedy play ever written, ever produced, ever performed. What?

why do we want more stop it let me tell you something certainly stop it with that that colonial attitude certainly the best thing that's been at the lucio lortel say hey all right let's not do that thing that's been at the lucio everything before it what about the lyceum lyceum more like icm all i see them all flopping at the lyceum i see every there's been no good theater there's

There's been no good. There's been nothing of salt until now. And we were all talking about that actually right before we got on mic. We were all saying how, thank God. There's been no good theater for decades. Well, Cole came in and they said, thank God I decided to do the show. Not since what show has there not been good theater? I don't think there's been anything good on stage since Mame. And?

Sarah Jessica Parker agrees. Agrees. June 26th, previews begin 12 weeks at the YCM. Only give this person a fucking break. Please give Conrad Rick and more a goddamn break. No, I say continue to work him. Yeah. He needs to stay busy. Keep the voices at bay. Oh,

crazy people everyone in the show everyone in the show is insane and the people backstage are even crazier Hannah Solo Peter Smith dear god Hannah and Peter squawking oh my god selling their little baubles selling their baubles backstage trying the best they can to get on stage good luck I say this one's never getting sick

Have fun with the little marbles and spilling them all over the floor. This one is never going to trip. This one's never getting sick. And if they do trip, you're going to see the bloomers. I'm sorry, I'm spoiling the show. Yeah. I'm spoiling the show, aren't I? Well, here's a spoiler. It's incredible. And so is our guest. And when I say they beg, I mean the audience begs. The audience literally begs us to have callback.

Because they don't like our other episodes. No, it's true. They get mad when we... They get furious. It's okay. What can you do? We're in our polarizing flop era and it ends today with our guest, the one and only... Cole Escova! Don't talk when we're talking. Don't talk when we're talking. That was rude. How dare you? Don't you have enough stage time? You are trying to get me ruined. Yeah. How so? How so?

I never said, I never said that there's never been any good theater. Who are they going to believe, you know? Me or you? Well, you're going to get me in trouble because I'm part of the community now. I love every show that's ever been written. Yeah, that's true. Ever been performed. Well, what are the top three shows? Top three shows of all time? Yeah. Oh, Mary. No. Our Town. Our Town. Thornton. My Town. Thornton.

And The Town. Oh, I love The Town. Blake Lively was so good in that. Blake Lively, come back to Broadway. I would like to see that. I would like to see that. Oh my God, absolutely. Ariana, come back to Broadway. So Cole would do this bit way back in the day. What would they do now? They would pretend to be like... How about you tell it? I butcher this. It's a character that's like all my other characters. It's just...

Crazy woman. Crazy woman. All she cares about is getting Ariana Grande back on Broadway.

Honestly, you're in the right place. You're in the right place. We have a direct line. Well, no. Ariana. This is all set up to say, first day on set of Wicked. My friend, Cola Scola, does this bit where they pretend to be this old woman, this theater-going woman, who all she wants, she goes to every show, but all she wants. Ariana, come back to Broadway. You missed your sweetheart.

Get on this side of the footlights again. I see you at the shows. Yeah. Do something besides Jason. Come on. JRB. Come on. It's all the same. You said that before coming on the mic too. JRB is all the same. No. No. You are getting me so. Imagine what you just did. I have in my mouth.

I was getting mucus up. Oh, oh my God. We need to start this over. Let's start this over. I think we need to start this over. Listen. I think the listeners need to know that I've been doing eight shows a week for a long time. Yeah, now explain. You sound hot. Explain what's going on vocally. So this voice is tired. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now what's the pre-show ritual? Greathers Past Steals, Atomizer. What do you do? I do. I vocal steam. I meet with Tony. Tony. Tony.

Robbins. Tony Robbins. Tony Robbins. To censor you. Yeah. Bring it on to earth. God, he's good. Yeah. God, he's good. People forget. They do forget. People forget how good he is. It's like community remembers. Yeah, yeah, for sure. But I don't want to forget about the dick appointment excuses. What's your sort of whole read on that situation? You know what? I think just saying...

I need to reschedule. Yeah, totally fine. I need to reschedule. Yeah. Because it's so anxiety inducing because then you have to be like, oh no, I hope your friend's okay. And then otherwise you're an asshole. Now I'm worried about this friend. Closest. Closest friend. What kind of emergency? Because not for nothing. But if it's a real emergency...

We might not be able to reschedule. You're going to be grieving. Yeah. This is an emergency with your closest friend. How do you know Thursday is going to work? You don't know that? You have an emergency with your closest friend. An emergency with your closest friend? You don't know anything. You can't plan out anything. Text them tomorrow. How's your friend doing? Well, I think I might. How's your friend doing? It's like, it was the kind of thing where it was like, it went a little bit beyond like dick appointment because of how far it went in the sexting.

And there even was some verbal. There were some voice messages sent back and forth. Do y'all do that? Gay culture is gay courting. Gay courtship is over promising, under delivering. Constantly. Over promising, under delivering. Don't you think?

My mind went to the Olympics. My mind went to Carrie Struth. Well, they're right around the corner. You going? You going? Yeah, I'll be there because I have to promote the show. Right. In July. Yeah. 12 weeks. When does that end? I can't remember. Help us. Three, four, five. Five, six, seven. Carry the one.

Carry the one. We came up in the same community. We came up in the same community. We both came up in the same community. Carry the one at the same time. I don't know. Anyway. You'll be in Paris. I'll be in Paris for the Olympics promoting O'Mary. Yeah. Do you think they know who she is? Being that she's, I'm reading in my notes, a former first lady of the United States. Well, you know, I think a lot of people forget...

Yeah. Well, people forget. Can I be honest and say you were on Seth? It was perfect. Seth Meyers, a friend of the community. Yeah. And a little too friendly, I think. Well, total gay guy. He's arriving at that let him cook. You're right. Let him cook. Let him come out. Let him cook. Let him cook. Let Seth Meyers come out on his own terms. Right.

So you said on his show that you did almost no research because, and I think this is so smart, because you would have written jokes that were like, well, that's going to get a laugh because that's where she was born. Yeah. Well, I got a lot of people. Not a lot of people. It's been fucking annoying. No, no, no, no, no. Like just two people being like, oh, this person does no research and now they get a play on Broadway. Yes, actually. Wow. And I'm like,

You don't understand the decades of work that went into this play. Yes. It literally has been. Yeah. 15 years? 15, 18, 19. Oh, God. Actually, though? Carry the one. Please. Someone else carry the one. Yeah. My back hurts. My back hurts. Someone else carry it. Carry it. Carry it. They're pointing. You at home. Carry the one. Oh, they're pointing at the camera.

So why do you think she was so crazy? Mary? Yeah. What do you think it was? I have no idea. She was hysterical, that woman. She was kind of silly. Yeah. She's just a silly little gal. Right.

She liked to have fun with her friends, go shopping. Yeah. You know. And then Abe kind of tied her down. Yeah. Oh, that's my worst nightmare. If I were a cabaret singer, so the character of Mary. And I think Mary historically was a cabaret star. Yes. Yeah. It doesn't work out. You marry this guy. He's president. And then you're like, I would go crazy. Yeah. It is a perfect. Who among us? Yeah. I've talked a lot to Michelle about this. Obama. Yeah. You know, because she really wanted to sing.

Really? She's really been wanting to sing for a long time. What stopped her? Her bad voice? You know, they released a picture of Michelle Obama the other day. She looked really high. High? Yeah, she looked like she was having fun, like at a resort or something. Well, look, you're going to get me in trouble with more than one community tonight, okay? The D.C. community. The D.C. community. You're not even going to be able to go down and do it at the Lincoln Theater. My Tony, bye. Bye. Gone. Gone. Gone.

I mean, gone. Gone. Thanks a lot. Reactions to the Tony noms this year. There's too many. It should be one award. Yeah. For the whole show. For the whole show. Yeah. With how many nominations? Just like two. It should be down to like two people. Oh, that's good. I love the election. It makes it even more heartbreaking. It should be Hillary versus Trump. Yeah. And. Oh, God. Yeah. Trump would be a better actor, wouldn't he?

I mean, Hillary can depends on the show. Right. You're actually right. Well, Hillary can produce stuff. Trump could produce stuff, but Hillary couldn't do, you know, like Angels in America. Whereas Trump could. Trump would be an amazing Roy Cohn. Trump would be an amazing Roy Cohn. I mean, he knew him. I knew him. That's his mentor. I think he'd be a good. What's his name? Pryor. Pryor. Trump as Pryor. Trump dazzles as Pryor. Can't you see it?

I can see it. Trump has never been better as prior. Dazzles. Oh my God. Just the word Trump over Angels in America. America is great again. That's where we're going. Yeah. I mean, that's what's going to happen. Make Angels in America great again. Wow. Oh my God. That's title of app. Title of app.

Make Angels in America great again. Yeah. Oh. Trump dazzles as prior. Trump dazzles as prior. You have to say it in that voice too. Now we're in hot water with the Kushner community. Okay. And the Mike Nichols community. That's okay. No, they would love it. Hey. Hey. Their checks are clearing. Yeah, that's absolutely true. When...

You don't want to put butts in seats? Put Trump on Broadway. I mean, we're all scared to say it. Put Trump on Broadway if you want to save Broadway. We're going. Haul that big ass around the boards. I'm saying. I'm saying. What are we so afraid of? Talent? What are we so afraid of? That we might like it? Yeah. I think America's too afraid.

I know. 100%. That's why we're in this mess. That's why we're in this mess. If we just put him on Broadway. This is honestly not an answer. If I were to go to him right now and say, yeah, look, if you drop out 12 weeks, oh Mary. Would you do that?

No. Not at all. I don't care who it would save. Yeah. I think that's really noble. This is my time. It's my year. Of course it is. Thank you. I don't want you to give up. Thank you. I do think we could recast some of your castmates.

Let's get them out of there. Put Trump in. Put Trump in. Yeah. Sorry, Scully. Sorry, Scully. Later. Trump would be a great Mary's teacher. Yeah. Because honestly, Trump would get the same reaction as James when he walks out. James walks out and the audience goes, oh. Fuck yeah. And then. Sorry, can we cuss? I forget. Is this sex or Christian? No, this is Judeo-Christian, but. Can I say something? The whole religion is like. It's fake? How did you find that out? It's about control.

Anyway. As I put my coffee all over myself. You know, I went to the museum the other day. I brought my mom to the Brooklyn Museum. Lovely. Congratulations, by the way. Thank you. I know you've been meaning to get there for years. Yeah. Learn something. Very hard to get it. Most empires last three, four hundred years. Yeah. We're due. We're done. You think so? It's curtains for me. You know what podcast I love? Yes.

The Kelsey Brothers. Oh, the Kelsey Brothers. The Kelsey Brothers. Who are the Kelsey Brothers? Travis and Jason Kelsey. And they have a podcast? And they're actually very charming. No, they're great. Oh wait, that's how I first heard I Don't Think So, Honey. Because they started it. And then you guys kind of... It's the first time gay people have taken from straight football players. This podcast called Fall of Civilizations. And every episode is wake up,

Wake up. Every episode is a new civilization. You wanted them on, now they're here. Now they're talking about the fall civilizations. And yeah, they're being didactic. Roman Britain. Yeah. The fall of Roman Britain. The Bronze Age collapse. When you say Roman Britain, as in when Britain was Roman? Yes. And how that fell apart. Yes, yes, yes. It's fascinating. It's really interesting stuff. And I think...

I think people don't realize like, but here's the thing about history. Yeah. I get annoyed when people are like, we're doomed to repeat the mistakes. And I'm like, I think we're doomed no matter what, even if we do know the history, that's just how, not me. No, certainly not you. No, no, no, no. Well, congrats. Thank you.

Can I tell this story, Cole? You can tell it, but you better be careful. I don't know what story you're talking about. I basically had a little mental breakdown over the summer. Oh my God, that was hilarious. We were all laughing about it. Yeah, I remember. The group thread was just screaming. On fire. On fire. I go to Amsterdam. You were in Ghent at the time? Yes. You were in Ghent at the time. I was posting to my close friends, going to be in Amsterdam.

You said, maybe I'll come see you. I said, I will pay for a hotel room if you come and hang out with me. And you were so kind to do that. Kind? I was in Ghent. Everyone's kind. I was in Ghent. Yeah. And then we had a lovely day together and we were in the park. Yeah. Was it you or me? We were just like, we should go see a play tonight. Yeah. I can't remember. God, I can't remember who it was.

What did you guys go see? We're like, let's go see Les Mis. Yeah. And then we looked up tickets for that night, bought two tickets to Les Mis, sat in the mezzanine, all in Dutch. In Dutch. The ugliest language ever. Bad, bad language. Bad tongue. And hilarious... Songs in Dutch? No way. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. That's generous. Thank you. Did any song survive the language? I mean...

One Day More was pretty cool. Yeah. Of course. What are those harmonies? The harmonies. Yeah. That's good. That was great. That was really good. That was too good. Jean right here. Stop it. Trump, look out. Trump, look out. Hey, Trump, I'm coming for you. Hey, Donald Trump, I'm coming for you, baby.

It was a lovely time. It was one of the worst days of my life. Well, for me, it was nice. It was incredible. Thank you for being there for my sake. Watching Les Mis in Dutch. Yeah. It was like going to the opera. Yeah. You know? Exactly. Now, did y'all sort of do a post-mortem after? What do you mean? We just couldn't. We were so moved. Yeah. Oh, we were very moved. All we could do was walk. Yeah. It's a beautiful city for that type of thing. Oh, yeah.

Be careful. Be very careful. Tread lightly. You're right. I tread much lighter. Sorry. I'm just reeling. Reeling. From the subway, from the AirPods. The AirPods went down. There's going to be no dick in my butt tonight. I think there's still time. There's still time. I did think about getting like on the apps and being like, who? Yeah. Oh, no problem. Samantha who?

Christina Applegate. Christina Applegate, who I share a birthday with, so please, please be careful. Please be careful. That must be where all the talent gets born. Please be careful. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Me, Joe DiMaggio, Christina Applegate. That's pretty good. That's really, that's a really good trio. Yeah. Day over. Day over. Yeah. Now, what are the hopes and dreams for this time off you have before the previews start?

I want to get back to me. Yeah. I believed that. I'm sorry. Thank you. Don't let this change you. Well, no. I think what's happening is... What? Don't let this success change you. Yeah. I think that one thing that everyone's been talking about in the group thread that you're not in... Right. ...is that you've changed. Thank you. And that...

You've become a big star. You went to the Met Gala. That actually happened. And if you think I'm not going to ask about it and who you sat next to, you didn't... You weren't correct. You're just going to sip on that water? Well, I'm not going to forget the question and you're going to run out of water. At some point, you're going to have to come up for air, boo. Oh, not that. And you asked for them to come back.

Can we please? No. We don't have to talk about it. No, I was going to say, can we talk about the abuse? Mariah Carey, precious. Oh, you batched every inflection. Yeah. Can we talk about the abuse in your household? I'm talking about, what did you say? Talking about repeated instances. I'm sort of making it up now, but really, Mariah was never better at acting than that moment. So grounded.

Can I tell you something? No. Please. Can I just throw it out there anyway? Watch Glitter again. It's not bad. Of course not. I've never seen it. Do yourself a favor. I will.

watch a couple movies you have a lot of time off yeah so you know what you gotta watch and this is one's a real suggestion one's not okay watch glitter lol that's the bit you really should watch the idea of you both of you oh I used to have the Anne Hathaway necklace I was mesmerized I loved it and I cried at the end that man is made out of milk well Matt's theory is that he's AI now do you like him any better now that you've seen his film so get this

I'm not convinced he's not AI at this point. But you don't mind. But I am a big fan. And I think if Nick Galitzine is AI, then we need to just cut Fran loose and start doing the AI thing. Because if Nick Galitzine is AI, which is still my theory, then I think that's the future. Let him take our jobs. Yeah. We're not booking them anyway, sweetheart. He's made out of

of milk. Explain. Go on. Look at him. Oh, yeah, yeah. Imagine taking a bite out of his cheek. Yummy. Actually, I think you could. Yeah. He is milk-duttish. Yeah. And I say this in a very, like, horny way. I think he's very attractive. Yeah. I have a theory that people's assholes are the same color as their lips.

I think you're wrong. I'm not going to look at it. I'm going to tell you you're wrong. Why? You're so brown. Don't presume the hue. Don't presume the hue. Don't presume the hue. That's actually roller coaster number eight. Don't presume the hue. No, that's not the color of my hole. Let me see mine. No. Wait. No? Wait. Wait. Wait, hold on.

Okay. That's going to be the picture for that. Okay. We all just took a picture of our beautiful lips. And I don't know. Your hole can't be that color. I can't see it. Yes, you can. Take a picture. Squat over your phone. You've never taken a picture of your booty hole? No. Cole, please. Cole, please. Cole, please.

You've seen it. I've not seen Cole's hole. I've seen a gorgeous shot on a close friends of Cole's amazing ass. Oh, sure. Well, it's an amazing ass photo. I mean, it's easy. It catches the light so perfectly. It's hard to take a bad one. No, give yourself some credit. Okay, okay. I'll give myself a little credit. It's not all a little light. I don't think I made the close friends. I would remember that. It's not the close friends. It's another thing. It's another thing.

It's another secret third thing. Oh, it's a finsta. It's a finsta. I had a horny finsta. I guess I still do. I mean, is it done? What? I don't really maintain mine. Me neither. I think I took six pictures during like the horniest time of the pandemic. Yeah. It's like,

We have to forgive ourselves for everything we did in 2020. Oh, yeah. It was truly like all my close friends. Especially electing Joe Biden. Especially Biden. We should have given Trump another chance. We're giving him a chance on stage. You're right. You're right.

Now, I think O'Mary would be the perfect show for him. I think he would be so good as Mary. In a way that... Okay, wait. Let's really actually dreamcast Trump in something. So you're saying O'Mary. Gypsy. Gypsy. Heartbreaking. Heartbreaking. Haunting performance. Haunting. Why did I do it? Haunting.

No. Why did it get me? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm going to have to leave. No, don't go. Follow me in the background. This is not a good time. Who is that? I don't know. It's someone else. It's an original character. It's an original character. Listen, there's a patty. Ronald Dump. Ronald Dump. There's a patty-sized hole, shaped hole in Broadway. Yeah. And he could fill that out.

Appeal to Patty now to return to Broadway. She is. She is. She's called the roommate. Her and Mia Farrow at the Booth Theater. You're kidding. She was just being like dramatic about the quitting. You're kidding. You're kidding. We love her. I love her to death. Oh, wait, sorry. You think women aren't allowed to change their minds or wait, what? Oh, no. What's this?

What I'm saying is what you said before you got on the episode, which is that women are crazy, hysterical, and can't make up their minds. That's what you said.

How dare you? I am going to kill you. I wish you would. No AirPods, no dick. Why should I keep living? Yeah. Yeah. Great color for you, by the way. Thank you. And they're popping. Thank you. And you did that on purpose, didn't you? I did. I did. You're a warm tone. Well, this is the other thing that I wanted to talk about. Okay. Color theory.

I really want to see one of those color theory people that like put the things over. I know me too. I'm obsessed with that. Me and Claudia O'Doherty. Yes. Love Claudia. Hi, sweetheart. Great legends. Go to bed.

We really... Sorry, people are probably angry at my hoarse voice. We really wanted to see... There's this woman in LA who does the color theory thing who was the wardrobe supervisor on The Nanny. Oh my... She has many Emmys. She knows what she's doing. She knows what she's doing, but then we looked and the prices were like...

Broadway prices? Yeah. Literally, like, I can buy half a ticket to Oh Mary for that. Oh, man. It was like $1,000 per session. Or maybe it was like $800 or something. I bet you there's someone who does that. Right in New York City. I know, but... Where you live. Did they design costumes for the nanny? I mean...

I don't know what to tell you. Have you ever had that done? No, I want to. Me too. I was just watching an ASMR video last night where they do it. Of course you were. I don't even think I know what it is. You stick fuck. You get off on that stuff. Yeah. He does. Spluge all over. Ew. Spluge all over himself. Matt's classically olive tone, but I think that makes him neutral. So Matt, that means you can wear any color. You want to know, this is the truth. I actually came here today and I was going to wear a yellow shirt. I was going to actually follow up on the Taylor Tomlinson episode. Yes. Mm-hmm.

Where I said that I bought a yellow shirt at a museum and I never wear it because why would I? I actually put it on today to wear it to this. It looked good. Looked at myself and said, this is not my color. But you don't know if it's like, oh, it's the cool undertones.

It's the blue undertones of the yellow that don't suit you. You probably do have a good yellow. You probably do. Can I say when I'm a little bit more tan, which is happening, it's in process, I can do yellow. But this was not... We are not there yet at this juncture. And then the step beyond that is like...

Are you a cool yellow or a warm yellow? Right. And I would never know what this is, so I guess I have to do this sort of test. This is why it's dangerous to be like for us because we don't know what we're talking about. And so for us to just sort of posit all of these, oh, I'm yellow, I'm blue, I'm... It's dangerous. You're so good with color.

We've all seen The Apartment. Thank you. Not all. Well, it was in the pages of Vogue. Oh. What was that? Remember it was in a magazine? Apartment Therapy, I think you're thinking of, or The New York Post, or I don't remember. I really don't remember. You have a really good relationship with The Post. Yeah. I do, yeah. Well, they reviewed the show. Look, The Post has always been very good to me. Yeah. What's your favorite review you've gotten? Probably the long one.

Because they said everything. No stone left unturned. They went there, honey. They talked about the play, me, like everything that you can imagine. The play, me, everything. Yeah. Oh my God. I'm thinking about it right now. Do you feel like you can't wait to get back up there? I am excited for a break. Yeah, good.

That's healthy. That's so healthy. Thank you. I think health is important. That's one of the reasons I wanted to come on here because I don't, the play is doing fine. Yeah. We don't need the press. Okay. I want to talk about health. Okay. Because as queer people in the community, we're not healthy. We're sick. We have a different relationship from our upbringings to health that invariably does affect

circumstances and basically like human rights. So true. Well, when one of us is all sick. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Should Oh My God be the title of app? We've got a lot of great. I don't think so. I actually don't think so. I don't think so either. But thank you. I mean, I think health is wealth at the end of the day. Well, Bowen would know.

Oh my God. We're back on this again. We're back on this. Since go. We're back on this again. We're back on this. Guys, I'm going through a tough time. Are you? Let's talk about it. Let's go there. We'll be right back. We'll be right back.

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This is Holly Frey from Stuff You Missed in History Class. The national sales event is on at your Toyota dealer, making now the perfect time to get a great deal on a dependable new SUV, like an adventure-ready RAV4. Available with all-wheel drive, your new RAV4 is built for performance on any terrain, from the road to the trails. And with plenty of passenger and cargo space, plus available tech like wireless charging, you and your entire crew can stay connected.

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Highlanders and more when you visit buyatoyota.com. Toyota, let's go places. And we're back. Actually, probably what we'll put it before the break. Before the break, Bowen was going to open up to us about what he's going through. I would love for them to. Oh, my God. Please. That would be amazing. Everyone would be so much happy. What happened? Hillary Clinton, what happened? Um.

By the way, what? Say what you want about Hillary. And I will. And you will. And I will. It's a great title for a book. Just in general. The book can be about anything. It could be a cookbook. And it doesn't have, Hillary doesn't have to write it. It can be, anyone can write any book and call it what happened and it would be great. No punctuation. What, before I want to hear about the pain you're going through,

Now you have to cast Hillary and Trump in a show together. Oh! Night Mother. Night Mother? Night Mother's good. That's really good. Who's mother, though? I think mother is Trump. Yeah. Oleana. Oleana. What's that one? I just know that it's a two-hander. A two-hander? It's a two-person play. Waiting for Godot. Waiting for Godot. Waiting for Godot would be not fun to watch with that. What about Chocolat?

Yeah. The movie. What about Amelie, the musical? Which I did a reading of, so be careful. With Pippa? No, then it was Rachel... Lee Cook. Lee Cook. Lee Cook.

Because it was going to, we wanted to do like a sort of she's all that. Yeah. Amelie sort of like, hey, what about this? Sister stories. Sister stories. We called them in the business. Yeah. It's sort of like how, you know, Detroit is a sister city of like, I don't know. Minneapolis. Yeah. Minneapolis, Detroit. Yeah. The twin cities. The twin cities. Sister cities do be random. Yeah. You're like Shanghai and Des Moines. Yeah. Yeah. It's funny.

I find it amusing. No one's laughing. What is New York City's sister city? Couldn't tell you. Couldn't tell you. At all. Couldn't tell you. You know what I just... A lot of these cities wish they could be our sister. Well, you know what I just realized? No. The second city, I'm telling you, the second city is called that because it's like known as like a second city. You didn't know that? No. And then I understood why there was also one in Toronto, famously also a second city. Also a second city. Sorry. Sorry.

to everyone i love toronto if i had to live in another city that wasn't new york it would be toronto really toronto toronto very cute guys all the second cities have cute guys they do chicago and toronto yep i would say san francisco that's not a second it is if you're like consultants

I actually do. I'm looking for a consultant. For what? I don't want to say a bad word, but one time a psychic told me that... Oh, is this the psychic that scammed you? No, the community is very upset. This is a different one. Oh, Matt. Who said that my husband is wearing a suit.

Well, that could be anything. Your husband is wearing a suit. It's the charlatan. It's psychic. It's made up. It's a suit. A hazmat suit. To get near that dirty hole, honey. Ew. What'd you eat last night? Chinese broccoli?

Hey, that's my people. Chinese broccoli? Yeah. It's not actually Chinese, is it? It was very, very racist of you to say. Even more racist than what you were saying right before you got on. You came in here and you were saying a whole bloater racist stuff. Chinese broccoli? Is that what the bats were eating in the wet market? You said that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I did say that. I did say that.

I was saying that while I was peeing to myself. Yeah. And I was... And the bone was right there. And the bone was right there. And I was being... What was that guy's name? Larry something? Hmm? The guy who's cruising in the bathroom. Larry Craig. Larry Craig. Oh, no, don't cut this out at all. We should... I think enough time has passed and that guy, you know, his whole life was ruined. Did he die? I think he is dead at this point. Let's call bathroom cruising as a closeted man, Larry Craig-ing. Larry Craig-ing.

Have you ever hooked up in a bathroom? Yes. Yes. Oh, and by the way, tell the story because I realized that I'm sorry about this. We were doing our episode with Dua Lipa and you were telling the story. I've told it many times. You have told it before, but I did redirect the conversation in an irresponsible, annoying, and very Matt Rogers coded way. And so I want you to take the floor. Tell us about how you had sex in Madrid airport bathroom. That's the story. Wow.

Wow. Have you? No. I don't think I could. Hygienically. Get horrid? Yeah. I don't think I could do that in a bathroom. Yeah. Because of the smells or because of the awareness of other people's proximity? I think growing up gay. Sorry. No, go there. This is good. Go there. I just... We'll be right back.

I want what's best for everyone. Hold on one second. We're back. We're back. Okay, and you were crying? I don't know. I just don't think I could. No, sure. Ideal place for an encounter? Probably... Country. I want a country. Okay. Time of day? I'm going to say Canada. I'm going to say Toronto. A hotel room in Toronto. Okay. We're being stupid. We did not actually...

ask you to expand on Toronto. What do you love about it? What makes it an ideal place? It's not trying to be New York. Thank God. No, this is my impression of Toronto. Hey, we're not New York. We've got a couple of restaurants. Have fun. Yep. Let us know if you need anything. Bring your kids. Don't. Don't. Actually, don't. Bring your kids. Don't. Please don't. Whatever. It's six of one. Yeah. We got a quote unquote beach. Beach.

It's just a little lake. Well, it's like a lake. Can I tell you something? Don't ever sleep. Oh, I love a lake beach. Don't ever sleep. Claudia, wake up! There needs to be a gay lake. And there really is. There is. Yeah, there is. Where? Epcot.

That's actually rule of culture number two. There is a gay lake at Epcot. That is one of the gayest lakes. But I'm saying there needs to be like a lake house culture for gay people. Yeah. The Germany Pavilion at Epcot. I'm so mad. The most relaxing place on earth, the Germany Pavilion at Epcot. Go there, bring a beach chair, have a sauerkraut and a fucking pilsner. And a pilsner. Honey.

That's where I'm going to be all June. For relaxation. Yeah, well, for Pride festivities, Epcot. Well, Trump's going on the first week of Broadway. Yeah. Because Cole's still going to be in Epcot. Cole, we keep trying to get you to come to Disney with us. Well, you don't. Yes, we do. You never have. Well, would you do it? No. Yeah, I didn't think so. You don't like it. I... Being gay. Growing up. We'll be right back. I just want to look at this.

Okay. We're back. You just hate it on principle. That's not true. You can say.

BDS. Wow. I don't like you two together. It's too much. I know. I know. It's too much. Yeah. Too much of what? Calm down. I agree. Yeah. No, I bet I would like it. No, no, no. You don't have to say that. I think you would because I think you'd see the irony in the whole thing. John Early and I once went to Disneyland. Yeah. Well, that must have been fun.

It wasn't. Why? But Splash Mountain was fun. And I wish, we both wish we would have just like done that again and again. Well, you can't anymore because they've renamed it Princess Tati's Bayou Dip. But it's the same. You still splash. Very much the same. But they've taken out everything that you love, which was the racism. And you were saying that before you got on the mic.

And they've replaced it with Princess Tiana because that's how you correct the wrongs of the ills of the world. Again, I said this when I was peeing to myself as a joke. And we were both Larry Craig-ing. And we were both Larry Craig-ing. I was looking for sex with closeted...

Men. Of course I was going to say that stuff. Yeah, of course. You were trying to attract people. Yes. Please. Please. Don't get it twisted. I don't ever want to get it twisted. Can I say something? What? I can't think of anything more embarrassing than getting it twisted. A lot of other embarrassing things. I,

Truly, but like, what's more embarrassing than getting it twisted? What do you... First of all, ouch. How do you feel? Just generally? A lot better now, honestly. Okay, good. I was not in a good mood earlier. And now I really am. Okay. I'm very happy to see you both. Do you think you're going to have S-E-X with someone else? Can I tell you something? No. I did the thing.

sorry i did the thing we'll be right back i did the thing um where i over scheduled myself on dates this week so it's actually i'm gonna reveal okay that my guy canceled tonight because i'm going on three dates this week with three different men sorry everyone i'm actually trying to find a partner actively i would like that for myself i recently discovered about myself that i would like to be in a relationship

That's great. I don't think you're ready for one though. I don't think I am either. No, you're just not ready for one. But being ready for it and wanting it is two different things. That's true. Right. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Someday soon. What do you, yeah. What do you, what do you think it'll take? I think you two have to stop being friends. Yeah. Well, everyone's so intimidated by him. True story. It just, like, I say, no, no, he's crazy. I lie. I go, no,

He's easy. He's going to love you. Yeah. And then I go, and then old mother-in-law over here. Nothing's good enough for her son. The last two guys I've dated have been like, I'm nervous to meet Bowen. And I was like, don't be nervous. He's my best friend and the kind and the best person ever. I was nervous to meet you. Yeah. When did you meet?

40 years ago. 40 years ago. Well, it obviously went well. Y'all did all of Europe together. Yeah, we did all of Europe. That was 84. 84. And Berlin was East and West. Oh my God. And we didn't know which was which. And so I was trying to buy jeans and they said, we don't sell those here.

That was good. It was a hilarious misunderstanding. Yeah. Well, you were just saying before that you miss Germany the way it was. That's what you were saying. And you gave a specific year, too. Of course.

Oh my god. We missed you. Here goes my Tony. There goes my Tony. No, it's a fucking shoe-in. Thank you. Do you see me get actually genuine there for a second? No. I said, we missed you. Yeah, we did miss you. Don't say that, though. I'm sorry, I'm embarrassed.

Do you not like to say hi to people after the show? No, I love it. Oh, good, good, good. Yes, good. Okay. Because we didn't like go backstage or anything. Well, there's not a backstage at the Lortel. Oh, it's a theater moment? It's like you have to come into the... Everyone clears out and the notables sort of stay behind. Yeah. Yeah. The friends. The friends. Can I reveal at this point that the opening night party at the Lortel run, the Off-Broadway run was at Houston Hall.

Which is a pretty very straight venue. There were sports on the screen. And I thought that was kind of the perfect touch. I didn't see it the same way as you. Oh, you were stressed out. You didn't like it. I thought, change the channel. Yeah. Totally, totally. No one listened to you when you said that? I didn't say it to anyone. I just felt it. You thought it. But it's a big beer. That was your biggest mistake. That was your first and biggest mistake. You know what would be fun to play at a bar? Yeah. What? What?

QVC. I agree. Oh my God. Gay bars should be played. QVC. I 100% agree. Yeah. And that would drive business, which is what you care about. Yeah. The economy. Absolutely. Jobs. Yeah. Bringing jobs back to America.

all these companies there's nothing more American than QVC it's actually culture number 98 there's nothing more American than QVC because it's a conversation piece you can talk about it you don't have to pay attention it's not like oh well now Mamma Mia's on so I guess I'm gonna watch it which is what I do

No, there is no through line to follow with QVC. No. Actually, in fact, there is the absence of that completely, which is why it's so great. Peek behind the curtain to when I shot I Love That For You, the people that had to play the on-air people. You just have to be always talking. Yeah. It's actually so funny when you watch because they end up saying some crazy things. Yeah, they do. Sometimes just words together in like a soup that truly are just like...

look at this diamond pendant. Now, I love this for graduations, for funerals, for, you know, and my mother had a pendant and I always remember my mother, especially now, today, because Janine is going to turn around and you can see the pendant from the back. It's like nonsense gobbledygook. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It's nothing, but it is everything. If you can watch it on mute and it still looks like things are happening, that is the mark of success for that, which I love. And,

It gives you moments like the planet moon. Oh, the planet moon. Tell me you know about the planet moon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The planet moon, Liza. Liza. Also, you know what's really wild is like actually they do watch second by second to see if the sales are going up and down and it does correlate to like

How charming they're being. At any given time, there are a million plus people watching this channel and gauging second by second whether they're buying something or not to the point where it actually corresponds with a, I guess, salesman flopping or not. I love the economy. You said that. I love the economy. Yeah. I love...

Inflation. Yeah. Keeping up with those prices. Yeah, keeping up with the prices. Yeah, we got to keep up with those prices. Yeah. Raise them a little bit and then give us something to aspire to, you know? Yeah. Was that the big conversation at the Met Gala? Can I get some water? No. No. No. No. No. Don't bring them anything. You like your job? Is my lawyer here? No, your lawyer's not here. Who's your lawyer? You want to shout him out? Yeah. Go ahead. Elizabeth. Elizabeth.

I bet she rocks. Elspeth. Elspeth. Elspeth. Have you seen all the commercials for that show Elspeth? No, but I really want to watch the show. It's supposed to be good. Yeah. Yeah. I love. Keri Preston is a legend. Keri Preston is a good wife. Oh, yeah. I didn't watch The Good Fight. Me neither. I should. Christine's mad at you. She is. Have you met her? No. Christine Baranski we're talking about. No, she's mad at me. Right. Wow.

Well, I think we can... Because of all that stuff you made up about me, what I said, like... I didn't make anything up, sweetheart. It's so funny that you try to come here on what is our show. Because even though we made a joke about you hosting it, it's our show. Interesting. That's really interesting. Is it interesting? It's interesting. I-N-C-H-E-R-S-T-E-E-N. Got it. Interesting. I think that...

Archie Punjabi is having a moment again. Thoughts? Where? Under the bridge. We'll be right back. Hey, everyone. We here at Lost Culture East just love Philanthropy.

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This is Tracy V. Wilson from Stuff You Missed in History Class. The national sales event is on at your Toyota dealer, making now the perfect time to get a great deal on a dependable new car. Like a legendary Camry built for performance and available with all-wheel drive, you can count on your new Camry to get anywhere you need to go. And with available features,

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They were working. Did she do a concert? She did a concert slash set under the K Bridge. K Bridge. But I think they call it the K Bridge to sort of insinuate that there'll be Ketamine Muse under the bridge, which I find to be... Now, as an iconic sober person, what do you think of that? I'm disturbed. Yeah. Well, carefully. The table is making noise. That's because Bowen is shaking.

He's humping. He's like a dog. I don't think gay people and drugs go together. I actually agree.

I think let's just like put a... Let's put a pause on it. Let's put a pause on it until I figure it out. What's going on? I need to get in there. No, like I'm busy with my show right now. But like... If you and Trump swap places... Absolutely. Come fall. I want to like... I just want to open it up. Open the community up and like look at it. Cole, if you were to put out like a missive to the community across the world and say...

stop it with the drugs for like a month, people would do it. I don't think they would. I think they would. These gays love drugs so much. I'm going to do it in October. I'm going to do it in October. Was there a favorite drug back in the day? Just weed. Yeah. Just baking. Just baking. Waking up and baking. We call it wake and bake.

And we were really fun. Wake and bake sucks. It was awful. It's really bad. I'm sorry. If you're a wake and baker. No, I just feel bad. No, of course. No, yeah. It's a huge alarm bell moment. Yeah, once it becomes wake and bake, that's when you have to stop and take a second to

To reassess. And I guess that's what we're saying to all the gay community who's really the biggest problem within the gay community is marijuana. Marijuana use is out of control in the gay community. These gays are too stoned. Yeah. They M out. They M out. They M out. Have you noticed that Taylor Swift has started to talk about weed a lot in her music? Has she? Yes. In her music? Say more. Like the

The Tortured Poets Department is an album about a chaotic, manic relationship. And she references like always being, she was with someone that was always stoned. My friends smell like weed, et cetera, da, da, da. Yes, yes. You know what I mean? I hate the word weed. What do you like to say? I don't know. Pot isn't as gross, too. I don't like pot at all. You know what? I say reefer. Ew. I don't care what you think. Reefer, weed, pot, weed.

Marijuana. It's all pretty bad. It's all bad. I think reefer is funny because it's stupid. Green. Flower. Shut up. Never flower. Yeah. 420. Bowen. Go to bed. I've never seen you do that. Go to bed. Your tongue fell out of your mouth. Bowen goes...

I'm sexual. You're a bully. I'm sexual. You are a sexual bully. That was me rimming the air. You're gooning. Do you eat ass every now and then? You know what? I stopped. Yeah, good. Is that because you got sick? I got, yeah, Giardia. I had Giardia for like six months. I was like, shit.

Oh, I guess my stomach's just weird now. This is a great story. You'll want to put this in the book, okay? And it's coming up right after the break. We're back. Hi, I went to a dietician for my acid reflux. Sure. And they ran all these tests and they said, here, you need to poop in this jar and mail it in.

I said, no questions. Absolutely. I'll do that for you. Take my poop. Hey, you take it. And what they, what they make you do is like put a bag, like a little, you tape your,

basically a piece of paper onto your toilet seat. Oh, yes, yes, yes. And you poop onto that paper and then they give you a little scooper to, I hope everyone at home is eating a nice big chocolate cake right now. And you scoop the poop and you put it into a little cup and you mail that in.

Yeah. To, I think... The government. The government. And what do you think they do with the cup? They... They make it clean, mama. Again, I hope you're eating chocolate cake with me. And if you are eating chocolate cake right now, it's poop. It's poop. Is it poop? And, um...

Zip poop. Okay, so they came back with Giardia. So, well, then I met with the dietician and she goes, um, have you been camping recently? And I was like, no, I haven't been camping since I was 12. What kind of weird question is that? And she was like, you have this parasite that is common with people who've maybe been camping, drinking contaminated water, drinking

Or from... And did she get there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I was like, oh. And then... But... So the process of confirming that you have Giardia in order to get the antibiotics... Is that... Is like mailing in your poop. Yeah, that's a lot. And I'm like, I don't want to be mailing my poop like...

I'm leaving that behind. I said no more ass-eating. 2024, I'm not mailing my poop anymore. I said, new year, new me. No poop. I am not going to that mailbox with a jar of poop. No. That's completely insane that that's what happened. Yeah. Yeah. Well... I've had it before and it hasn't stopped me. Yeah. But it was horrible and I got it on Fire Island and you saw me. Yeah, it was bad. It was not...

Ew, you like watched him? Yeah. We shared a room. No, but I watched you get your ass kicked. Was I really? No, you did not. Don't tell them that. They don't want to think about us like that. No, I was insinuating that you were watching him have like explosive diarrhea. Oh, I thought you were insinuating that I was watching him. Isn't that funny how he's so funny? Were we sharing the bed when I had to keep getting up? Yes, we were. And we also shared the bed...

The only, only, only time I've ever, and it was bad. Like we both had like growing up moments in that. The only time I've ever blacked out. Oh. From 4th of July where like they found my wallet on the boardwalk and it was this whole like community effort to get. That was the only time you've ever blacked out? Good for you. Yeah. Really? I would say so. I didn't really ever black out in college or high school.

You sound like you don't believe me. No, I'm trying to go through the Rolodex in my mind to think of times I've seen Bo and Yang sloppy. It was so scary because I've never had a black box in the memory of like, oh, I don't remember what happened. Well, we got you back the wallet. Got me back the wallet. And thank God because a lot of fat credit cards. I hope everybody's listening to this because this goes back to what I was saying about health. Yeah. Yes.

You were saying that right before we got on, you were saying you hope COVID comes back. Yes. Stronger. Because like a gay, it over-promised and under-delivered. You think COVID under-delivered? Compared to what? Compared to what? Compared to what? That's a really good question. Season two of Veep? I mean, you gotta be specific. I know, I'm sorry. I guess compared to... Difficult people. Okay. Yeah.

Are you? Yes. Yeah. Did you find something ever since? Come on, go up. You're right. I shouldn't even go there. Did you ever find something since Downton Abbey that you liked as much? Yes. What? Gilded Age. Coming up, I was always sort of like sidelined. Like I was sidelined. We're going to take a break and not come back. We're back. We're back. We're back.

The Waltons. I don't think I know that. Is that about the Walton family? Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no. They're a family named the Waltons. It's not like the Walmart Waltons. Well, because you were saying before you came on that you love Walmart and the family that owns that.

I love how, I love their business model. Like, why, why is that controversial to say? Like, they're doing very well. Why am I, why shouldn't I, why shouldn't I be proud of them? And yes, they're funding O'Mary on Broadway. Yeah. And I'm very proud of them. Yeah. Like, let's, what they're doing is legal. Yes. Like, okay. 100%.

Yeah, they're cutting corners. They're underpaying. Like, it's legal. If you have a problem with them, take it up with your president, Joe Biden. The one you both wanted so bad. We did. We wanted him so bad. We really did. Yeah. We really did it. I didn't vote for him this time. I wrote in... But I will vote for him. I wrote in...

Judy Garland. Trump. I run an Ivanka. You run an Ivanka? Yeah. Where is Ivanka? She'll be hitting trail. Will she? She's in the step right now. If she came out, she was like, I have been wanting to be on this podcast. She's like, I want to talk about health in the gay community. I bet she does. Yeah. Jardia. Jardia. My husband has Jardia. He can't get rid of it.

Jared. Jared. Jay Kush. We can't give him a cool name. No, that's not cool. That's not cool. Jay Kush? Jay Kush, well, even Kush, terrible weed name. Yeah, Kush. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't like that. Ganja? What about Ganja? No. No. It's bad. We really haven't come up with something good. I think Reefer is good. Molly's so fun. You think Reefer's good? I think Reefer's funny. Who has Reefer? Ew. I love it. Let's go smoke Reefer.

You love it. Matt says it in a fun way. Let's smoke a reefer. I got Jared be saying it too. Not Kushner. Jared Frieder. Jay Fried. Reefer. I'm looking at you like I'm not sure. Like I'm a crazy guy. You're a crazy guy. You love. What's it like kissing James every night?

Why don't you tell us? Oh, stop. Wait, we share a leading man. We share a leading man. We share a romantic interest. Romantic lead. I'm sorry. That was my brain. Not what it used to be. It's okay. I think it's getting sharper all the time. I think you're getting smarter every day and stronger. Yeah. I gotta say, I love to read. I'm reading books again. We're taking a European trip. And Bowen described the desire to...

Read, read. And I thought that that sounded so boring. Yeah. It's good for depression. It was so, it was really good for the bad moment that last summer. Was I, I was probably even boring you to death with it. I was just like, I've been reading a lot. No. The thing is like, you actually, and this is the scary part. Oh,

you did not seem different at all. That is terrifying. It's because he was lying. It's because it was all a lie. It was all a lie. It was for attention. No, the bad moment was like in London and I was like, I have to go somewhere. I can't be like, I can't be here for, I'm sorry, I keep shaking the table. And then by the time I was in another place and I was among friends or a friend, I was like, this is much better.

So you were lying? Or wait, what are you saying? Yeah. You were lying. I was lying by the time you got there. Mental health is not real. And you were saying that. We'll be right back. Sorry. No, we're back. No, you really didn't seem different. That's terrifying. That's terrifying. Do you talk to anyone? No. Yeah. Yeah.

Are you both in therapy, like, for real? Yes. With each other. With each other. You know what I just started doing? What? EMDR? Uh-huh. Controversial. Is it controversial? It's controversial. Well, I can't wait to hear everyone's opinion on it. Can I just say, what I really cannot wait for is for everyone in our beloved community to tell me how I should be doing it. Well, no, but I didn't mean to undercut. What is controversial about it? It killed JonBenet. Yeah!

EMDR that did it. Yeah. Wait, why is it controversial? I think it's a relatively new form of therapy. Oh, okay. There's a lot of debate around it. And it killed JonBenet. Wow.

Someone had to. Matt. Okay, we have to cut that out. Okay, it's a comedy podcast. Oh my God. Okay, then be funny. Shit. God. You said before you came on here, you killed her. So what the fuck? Oh my God, and the burping. Remember that? And the burping. What? What was that from? The parents? No, no, no. The guy that killed his wife. What's it called?

that documentary and then he was... The Jinx? The Jinx. No. No, it's not The Jinx. The Jinx or was it The Murder in Boston? No, no, no. That guy that like he killed his wife and then he was like in a bathroom on a live mic going pee and he's like, of course I killed him. Oh, yeah, The Jinx. The Jinx. Have you guys seen What Jennifer Did? No. What's What Jennifer Did? It's on Netflix. It's like truly the most... It hits hard because...

It hits close to home for me because it is this Asian girl who felt so pressured by her parents to succeed that she killed them. So that hit home for you? That's what you just said. On the mic. It wasn't like Cole who said all the nasty things. No, this is on mic. I'm saying, no, not that I relate to her killing her, wanting to kill her parents or killing her parents. It is this thing of like, she must have felt

It's like, y'all, if things did not go a certain way, like, I would have been, I would have killed my pants. No, I would have, like, been, like, in that, like, kind of, like, y'all. You're saying you get it. Yeah.

You could have seen yourself going down. No, not killing her parents. But oh my God, this is so crazy. That's not what I'm saying. Everyone that watched the Mother's Day episode that I sent out the other night that said, oh, look, Bowen's mom. That could have turned out really different. I'm saying I'm like my life turned out. It was so many things aligning and it was this. No, I think what you're saying is very cogent. I think this is good.

I'm not saying I wanted to kill my parents. You're saying you understand the circumstances in which this girl did. You're saying you identify with, sympathize with, and trust her to be president. You want Trump on Broadway acting and this girl president. What Jennifer did was slay

She was like a compulsive, she like lied about like going to school because like her parents were like, it was so crazy. I love liars. I do have to tell you, last night I watched the Lisa Rinna Lifetime movie, Mommy Meanest.

You gotta get into it. It's good. It's based on a true story. It's about a mother who terrorizes her daughter to like control her by texting her like horrible, vicious things from several burner phones. This is based on a true story. And Lisa Rinna is just like, well, I don't understand what's happening. Like what? And she's the mom. And she goes in the, goes in her closet, sits down on her computer and just types. These soap actresses are so important. So good.

The soaps really get people like Julianne Moore came from soaps Meg Ryan came from soaps Who else? Margot Robbie was in Australian soaps Neighbors Isn't that what it's called? Neighbors And I believe Chris Hemsworth was also on that And maybe even Kylie Minogue back in the day Kylie Minogue was definitely on a soap back in the day Shout out to Kylie Minogue Just saw her in Vegas That was a great show Congrats by the way Thank you

I rolled my eyes. I rolled them right back. Okay. Yeah. Wait, isn't Bethany Frankel in a Lifetime movie? She is. And it's another thing where it's like, I have a daughter and it's weird. It's, they really are pivoting to like,

It's me against my daughter. Yes. A lot. And you know what was so bad about this movie was like, it literally just ends with Lisa Rinna, spoiler alert, she just like gets caught. Yeah. And she doesn't even like change. She's just like, well, I did it because I want us to be close friends. Yeah. And the mother,

the daughter's like you're a fucking crazy person she goes to jail for two days gets out and then the daughter moves out that's it there's like no there's no campy fight there's no anything I mean it's gypsy it's gypsy it's Trump and gypsy yeah I think we found it right off the bat it is Trump and gypsy why did I do it why did I do it why did I do it

This is kind of giving like, what's that bear? Yogi? Yogi Bear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of giving Yogi Bear. Brad Garrett? Yeah. Everybody loves Raymond. That's really good. Everybody loves Raymond. Yeah, that's really good. Why don't I do it? Can you do Patty Heaton?

Why do Kelsey Grammer and I get ostracized for being Republicans? Uh-huh. It's actually a really good question. Why? Why? It's just their beliefs. It's just their beliefs. We'll be right back. I'm sorry. And we're back. We're back. Well, would you host a talk show?

Yes. Because I feel like Broadway is... Over. Well, it's over, but I feel like there is something... Matt, you guys got to be careful because this is my community now. You're right. Broadway is, I think, for you, is this fair to say, it's like the goal. It is. It was always the goal. Yeah. The secret dream in the back of my mind was always like... That's so cool. Well, how do I get to Broadway? Oh, God.

Yeah. This could not have happened. Everyone thinks I'm joking. No, no. No, I don't think you're. Oh, fuck you. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. No, no, it's okay. Ugly. It's like, because I remember you saying this to me and Celeste, and then Celeste and I were talking about it afterwards. We were like, oh, that's so cool. Like, it's amazing. I feel like, I thought every gay person was always just secretly like wanting to be on Broadway. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Don't you think? A little bit? I have that.

Not quite as much as you guys, but I think, yes, I've had the flash of the fantasy. And honey, you will. No, no, no, no, no, no. For me, I don't think that's like... Frost, Nixon. Frost? The two of you. That actually would be good. I'm Nixon? I think so. I think you have a better Nixon. I'm not a crook. Oh my God, Sly. Better than your Trump. Let me tell you something. Who is that? I can't wait to get to Broadway. Who is that? I don't know. It's sort of like...

Who is it? It's like you doing Fallon doing Trump. But it's like a cartoon villain. Like, I can't. It's not Jafar. But it's almost Jafar. To get back on track, it's very cool that you're doing Broadway and is the fantasy to stay there for the rest of your life. I would like to keep working in theater. Why just 12 weeks? I work with a numerologist who, she's very powerful, this woman.

Her shoulders are so broad. You think it's because of the numerology? Yeah. She's got this kind of sexy kind of... Yeah, she's got this sexy gait. She just walks real bow-legged. Yeah. And I love her. And she said, 12. Yeah. She looked at me and she said, 12. Is it actually the goal for you? Because I saw you talking about this on Stradio Lab. Someone else would do it? I would love for someone else to play Mary. Really? Yeah.

And do you, would you want like some like A-list person to drop in? I don't care as long as they're like, I would want them to be like good and funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My dream is Titus Burgess. Oh my God. Like in a way that almost would make me be like, wait, maybe you're too good. Don't, don't. It wouldn't be that it would be different. That's what I was going to say. But that would be good and like thrilling. But like, yeah, imagine, imagine. Yeah, totally. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, and I can picture how Titus's wig would be different too, like the stupid curls. Have you had so many conversations with people where they cast it at you? No. Really? No. Why? Do you want to start? Sure. Yeah? I mean, frankly, you'd be great. No. Yeah. No, I wouldn't. Fuck off. But you don't think I'd be good? As Mary? Hey! No, I'm thinking. I think you'd be a good Mary's teacher. Yeah.

Yeah. You have the skull. If I had to cast you in the show, it would be as... If I had to. If I had... Gun to my head. Leading man. Gun to my head, I would just tell them to shoot. But... I would say, I can't cast Matt in this show. I would say, just shoot me. But...

No. Don't actually feel bad for me. That makes it real, you monster. Don't be like, this is my friend breaking down, crying, weeping. God damn it. You really are driving us apart. I was thinking like, if Bowen's Mary, then I would want you to be Mary's teacher. I think I'd be that. But I can also see a world where you're Mary and you're Abe. I would love to. See, I think I'm better cast as Abe.

You put all your little Asian guys as Abe, don't you? Yeah, you were saying earlier before on mic that you fetishized them. Yeah. Yeah. I do. Not to put her... Not because of Titus. I didn't... It's like such a... Within that circle. But like, I think Krakowski... I was just gonna say, like, John Krakowski. Iconic. Yeah. I mean... Oh my God, wouldn't Sedaris want to do it? Absolutely. Gosh. That'd be amazing. She would crush. But I would love to write...

I would love to keep writing plays for other people to be in. I mean, what's very cool is that I think it's like at this point you just get to do anything and everything. I don't know. Can we be earnest? The industry is really amazing. That's true. The industry is really amazing right now. Everyone's really excited and everyone is happy. Earnestly? Yeah. No one deserves it more. Yeah. Nobody deserves it more.

Fuck you. No, because I'm not doing this. You are not the host of this podcast. It's my podcast, and sometimes it gets earnest. Thanks. I hate that word, though. Earnest? Yeah. Deserve. Deserve. Oh, sure. Because we all deserve, of course. Everyone deserves. Can I say something? No. I guess. You are. The sister you never had. You are.

Whatever. You know you're our idol. Stop it. I mean, it is perfect. It's also, I mean, watching the show. It's the best thing that's ever happened to me in my whole life. This show being produced. And I'm trying to like soak up everything that's happening right now. Because I know soon my turn will be over.

And that's fine. All our turn. We all get a turn and we get to the back of the line and we wait and we wait and we wait and then we get our turn. Well, you got to get fast pass. This is why you need to go to Epcot with us. Oh my God. You gays at your Disney. Cut every line. Yeah. Okay, fine. I'll go to Epcot. Honestly, one day. One day. The next time we're on like one of our eight day trips. Here's why I wouldn't go. I don't want to be on a plane about it.

It's a three hour situation. I don't want to take a plane about it, you know, but I don't want to go to the airport, get on a plane, be at the airport, get my luggage all for Epcot. Like if I was in wherever, where is it? Virginia, Orlando. Exactly. Yeah.

And I, if I was in Orlando. They would love O'Mary down in Orlando, by the way. You think so? Of course. Yes. Liars, both of you. No. I smell it. I smell it seeping out of your pores, the lies.

The weed. The weed. The marijuana. The pot. You two pot smokers. I've had enough of you two pot smokers. I've had enough of us too, to be quite honest. But I would go to Epcot if I was in Orlando already. All right. Okay. So we just have to figure out a way to trap Cole. Get me in Orlando. Entrapment. Central Florida. We can do it. We can do it. What's that face for? I don't know.

I don't know if I could do it. I don't know about like really Florida in general. What a hell of a drug. But yeah, you do have to kind of go there to go to Disney World. So that's, I guess, where we're rubbing up. It's just, it's the plane. Correct. It's the airports. You don't like to fly? I don't like it. It's very scary. Yeah. Because growing up gay, I just like, I never got to soar. Pfft.

And to be that high, like, it's like everything. It reminds me of like what I didn't get growing up. And I'm sorry, I have to go poop really bad. We'll be right back.

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Are you pooping a lot? I do poop a lot. That's good. Yeah. You poop a lot? Mm-hmm. I'm a vegan. Mm. So all of this really supports the idea that I've had, which is that Cole, not to actually earnestly get on health, but I find you to be very healthy.

Thank you for saying that. Overall. It's one of my main initiatives going to Broadway. Make Broadway healthy again. Bring healthy back. Bring health back to Broadway. People think, oh, capitalism's ruining theater because ticket prices are... Right. I think we eat right. We get the good eight hours of sleep we need. Yeah. Finances will catch up.

Do you sleep well because you eat well? I don't sleep well. You don't sleep well? I stay up every night till 5 a.m. Seriously? Yeah, no matter what. What time do you get up? If I'm on my own, I'll wake up at, like if I have nowhere to be, 3. Really? So you're nocturnal. Nocturnal. Always have been. Does that bother you that you don't see the morning? Yes. What do we do? I don't know. Birding.

Birding? Birding. Like when poop comes out? This has been a thing. This has been a thing with phones. Oh, you want to like go look at birds. I've thought about that because I need a hobby. It's actually... Do you bird? I've started to. Do you have an app?

I have an app. Merlin is the one that the Cornell Institute of Ornithology or whatever, like they have a department. Oh, they're really problematic actually. No, they're like- Well, because you're the president, you were saying, Ben, before you got on. Yeah. And it's been your mission. Yeah. To problematize. To kill the birds. Oh, my God. Kill the birds. Stop it.

very well I mean it's interesting because that's that feeds into my I don't think so oh you sang that song at Queers Live I did oh that was so fun means a lot to me should we do it again we should do it again it means a lot to me that you came to the show thank you what if we did Queers Live at like Radio City Music Hall yeah let's do it let's do it

They offer, actually, we were offered a show at this other thing. Maybe we should do. Maybe we should do that. That's fun. That could be really fun. In Orlando? In Orlando. And then that's when we get you. Yeah. If you can get me to Orlando for a gig, I'll go to Epcot with you. Okay. But really quickly, I've gone birding for, for, for just like, and for curiosity.

So much fun. Where do you go? The parks? Prospect Park, Vale of Kashmir. So literally like historic cruising spot, but it is the best spot for birding. It's so funny. Sure. Yeah, my husband said that too. There are peckers about. Oh honey, I was just looking for a bird. Next thing I know, I've got Jardia. This character is a caricature. Yeah. It's so fun. Get a nice pair of binoculars and then you go in the mornings and it's all these- How much were they?

How much were they? The binoculars. Go ahead. I actually bought a mid... They were Louis Vuitton. No, no, no. I bought a mid price. I mean, they do go crazy. I bought like 80 bucks. Oh my God. They're only $300. They're expensive. Yeah. I bought one for 80 bucks and then... But then you go there, it's all these old women. But the activity itself is free and the old women there are... Old compared to...

You gotta be careful with these words. Boomer. How about that? Generational. You can't... Okay. Are they stupid is what I'm saying. In a group. It seems like there's a lot of walks. There's like a queer birding group and there's like, you know, like whatever. Queer birding group. Queer birding group. It's already redundant. Redundant. But...

And then there's like all these guys with cameras. But it's like nice. It's like you get all types and it's free. Guys with cameras. Guys. God. That makes me so horny. I love guys with cameras. I love. Oh my God. To be lensed. And it's just four different people telling you like, there's a Scarlett Tanager today. Oh, like they're like pointing it out to you. Or it's like they're politely being like, do you see there's a Scarlett?

there's a nuthatch today. It's so sweet. It's very sweet. And you go, I heard, I heard. Leave me alone, leave me alone. No, no, no. And then, I'm sorry, looking at a bird up close in the binoculars in 3D space as the light's hitting it, it is like incredible. Yeah. And it sounds more healthy than like gambling. Totally. But it feeds the same impulse. It feeds the same impulse. It's like, I want to win. I want to catch the thing. And it's like, all you're doing is looking at a bird.

You're looking at a bird and then you think, oh, is that going to hurt? Exactly. It's really nice. They want their privacy. It's one of those things. It's one of those hobbies where I'm like, why the fuck do people get into this? And then you do it once and you're like, oh, I get it. I promise. And it seems like it would be something fun to add to traveling.

Like if you're traveling and you're like, ooh, I'm going to see what kind of birds they have here. A big yellow. A big yellow. Oh, the big yellow. Oh, I went to Canada and I saw all the big yellows.

I'm genuinely excited to do that when I go. This would loop back around to activity I can't do because of colorblindness. No, I'm colorblind as well. You actually are? I am. It doesn't matter. I can't tell the difference between green and brown a lot of the time. Neither can I. Yeah. It's because you're red-green colorblind, right? Same. So when I was a kid, I would color the tree. Sorry. Okay. Okay.

I would color the trunks of the trees green and the leaves brown. And I would get points knocked off. Yeah. Minus two. And there were only a few points. And there was only, yeah, like 10 points. My sister, I used to think she had green hair all my life. Yeah. Because she had brown hair and it looked green to me. I thought peanut butter was green. I...

probably still do to be honest yeah blue and purple impossible same um forget it sometimes weird ones like orange have you ever worn those glasses yes but they're a scam oh don't you think i've never tried them i was gonna say like oh that would have been a fun thing for us to do today but they're a scam honestly my we did a secret santa and my one friend got me those those glasses and it ended up being like i put them on and i'm like

Well, if this is what everyone sees normally, it's hell. Yeah. And I just thought... Because you know those red glasses? Right. I just...

I just saw like red. Like I didn't see anything. No. New. I wonder if they bought the cheap ones or something. I mean, certainly. Who is this friend? Name them. Chris Schleicher. Chris Schleicher. Oh, Chris, you cheap bastard. Totally. But also. He got me like a set though at the same time. It wasn't the only gift. He got me like a shirt. What is it? So you're a spoiled little, your daddy's spoiled brat. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes.

Always have been, always will be. Never will change, never will grow. I love a brat. It's so fun. Mary's kind of a brat. Total brat. Bratty girl. I'm a brat. I know that about you. They demanded a very nice hotel room in Amsterdam and I gave it. The Sofitel?

So, Fatal, did we get breakfast the next day? No, we did. We did? Yeah. Great breakfast. I love breakfast there. I think maybe my favorite city that I've been to is breakfast. Amsterdam. Breakfast is great. Amsterdam. London's great.

Keep naming cities. Well, I like... I forgot the rest. I loved Bruges, actually. I like California. Oh my God, this is going so south, man. I love Atlantic Ocean. It's time for I Don't Think So, Honey. Just before our friend really embarrasses themselves. Oh, I'm in a cave. I'm doing a thing with a cup. Golly. I'm in a cave. It's a visual medium. You look silly.

We got cameras since you've last been on. Now, this is I Don't Think So Honey. One thing hasn't changed. One thing hasn't changed. We still do this goddamn segment. Okay. I Don't Think So Honey. We rant and rave against something in pop culture that's not so great to us. No. And I had an experience this weekend and I would like to talk about it. Tough couple days for my girl. Yeah.

This is Matt Rogers. I don't think so, honey. His time starts now. I don't think so, honey. If you show up to a theme party and you don't have anything on, that's the theme. Maybe they're coming from work. And it's, no. Did I tell you something? Stop it. Okay. Because I haven't even been in, I hadn't even been doing that for 10 seconds and you sided with all of them. And that says a lot about what's going to happen going forward. You're going to side with them outside of this dynamic. And I agree with Cole. I'm sick of us. Because if you're going to keep doing this,

I'm seconds into my I don't think so. I'm doing a really good one that no one's ever talked about before, which is that as a theme party, people should dress the theme and you undermine me. Just sit there and count down how much time I have left during my time. How about that? Sick of you.

At a theme party, let's say the theme is New Year's Eve. I want to see a couple of hats and glasses, please, for Christ's sake. Because I show up, if you do that again, we're going to have a huge problem. This podcast is over. I agree.

I don't think so, honey. And that's one minute. Now, wait, hold on. Was the theme New Year's Eve? Because that's fun if it's not. It was Tom Nye's birthday party held at the house of Tom Nye and Matt Whitaker, and they had a New Year's Eve-themed 30th birthday for Thomas. And I show up, and I don't know if everyone is too cool, but no one was doing the theme, and I looked silly in a white jacket, fun glasses, and a vest. No, you did look silly. Yeah.

And I'm the only one dressed for the theme. And then I get looked at once over by everyone. And I'm like, it's the theme. Oh, I don't like. See if it's a party and gay guys are there and they once over you. Give me a break. Get out. Stop it. I'm dressed. Perfect. And y'all just look like you put a flannel on and rolled out of bed. You're on your way to animal afterwards. I get it. Everyone wants to look their best for animal. The sip and twirl of Brooklyn.

I want to apologize to you. That would be appropriate, I think. I'm really sorry. If you were offended. You almost had me there. Girl. Almost had me thinking.

Well, I'm really sorry for interrupting you. I didn't mean to. No, that's okay. You were right. And I don't mean to bring up past, you know. What? Oh my God. Did I interrupt you? Okay, this is what the viewers love. Equivalent injustices. No, 100%. You know. What happens is, Cole. What? Sometimes I get over-caffeinated for the podcast and I get excited. Yeah. And especially when we have a guest that I'm really excited to talk to and really like into. Yeah. I will often...

Do the most to say the least. But can I tell you, I don't mind. And people seem to think that I have a problem with you, like kind of like getting over enthusiastic. And it's like, that's what I love. And I really don't care. Yeah. It's called a podcast, bitch. When they go for Bowen, I'm like, why are you infantilizing Bowen? Like, I'm just like, like, I'm a child to them. It seems like it's like Bowen Yang. If Bowen Yang ever thought that I was out of pocket, I have heard it and I would hear it.

And I would think that that's something we share. Bowen loves diapers, wearing diapers. We were talking about this yesterday. Me, Josh Sharp, Max Wittert at a party and we were saying that

We just want to try one day where we're in adult diapers. Just to see what it's like. Because the models on adult diapers are just... The way they cast models for adult diapers is so amazing. Because it is these people... Well, I've been in those rooms. Oh, yeah. And you never booked. Right. But it's people who... And this is why you didn't book. Because it's people who look happy, healthy. And now you look better. But back then, you probably looked really gaunt. I was drinking and...

And trying to get work as a diaper model. That was my low. That was my rock bottom. I was hungover, you know, lost my phone, lost my wallet. I would show up to these castings, put on that diaper. It's, you know, me and Geena Davis up for the...

Up for the same spot. Well, that's tough. And she's, you know, the picture of health. Yeah. The picture of health. Academy Award winner. Academy Award winner. Going to be very believable on the diaper. Absolutely. You know. It's just Thelma. Yeah. But then, of course, neither of us got it because that's how this fucked up industry. I'm sorry. I got to say it. Well, I have to tell you something. What? She booked it. They just, they replaced her with the Coke bear.

They put the coke bear over her. The cocaine bear? Yeah. Yes. From Elizabeth Banks' movie. But can I tell you something? What? Now with this play, world's your oyster. It really is. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Wait, you really, but you want to wear, like, would you wear the diaper, like, in life? Like, under your pants? In life.

Like just walk around. Just to walk around and like pee pee. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. If you're going to wear it, use it. You might as well use it. I don't know if I would poop though. I think I would pee all over myself, but I don't know if I'd poop. We just want to try one night at the club. Listeners are going to hate this episode. It's so much poop. I just tell them, I'm telling you guys right now. I have to say, it would be right in line with how they felt about our other episodes recently. So that's actually okay. Yeah.

Alright, I have something. Yeah. I haven't had anything. Oh, that's great. And this is... Oh, not three missed calls. Uh-oh. Oh, God. That's always a little disconcerting, you know what I mean? I can wait. Okay. Where are they from?

I'll never know because it's like random numbers. It always gives me a little bit of anxiety. No, no, no. Okay, this is Bo and Yang's I Don't Think So Honey and it's time starts now. I Don't Think So Honey pills. You want me to put what? Where? In my mouth? Here's what my mouth is for. Smiling. Saying a nice compliment to a friend. You look amazing today, both of you. How are you going to get better when you get sick? Sucking. Fucking. Rimming. No. No.

Not for swallowing a little rock that might not make me better. It might actually make me feel worse. This mouth is exit only. That's right. Nothing goes in if I have my druthers. My perfect day is if nothing goes into my mouth. If only stuff comes out like a funny joke.

15 seconds. Vomit. I'll say it. Just kidding. I need to eat. But pills make everything a vaccine. Or actually, I would love a microchip in me if you could just download a cure to the brain. That's one minute. That was a mess. That was perfect. That was a mess. Well, seems like that was polarizing. Let me tell you something. I'm going to get emotional. Go there. If you get sick, you better take pills.

because I know it's been very tense between us today. But if anything ever happened to you, I would not be able to continue on. And I'm not going to let Cole get between us. You really have, Drifted Wedge. By the way, we now know Bowen Yang eats with his butthole and vomits with his mouth. Oh, yeah. I'm trying tonight. Desperately out here. Okay. Okay.

I like this dance. Okay. Worming. That is the anus. Ah, let's warm up our bodies. Just...

That feels good, actually. Relax. Roll our shoulders back. Do you do little warm-ups before every show? I do. That's good. Conrad really has taught me a lot about... That's a pro. He's a pro about, like, protecting and, yeah. He's not even, like, actively teaching me. I'm just, like, watching him going back to Europe. He says, Cole, here's how you do. Cat-cow. That was so mean. That was so mean, Matt. Yeah, I'm racist. He thought that was racist. Cat-cow, that's a Tagalog thing. Yeah.

Ooh, yikes. You better cut that. You better cut that. Can I say in a real way? Yes. What happened with Pure Life Love at the Tonys?

It got blanked. Thank you. Isn't that weird? Thank you. It was so good. I guess an overcrowded season. Was it though? Or just like a lot of shows? I don't know. It was such a beloved show and it was so great. And then I was like, when I saw that it got almost nothing, I was like, oh, maybe it wasn't eligible. Maybe it was last year and then it was fully eligible. It was eligible, but you know, it's like,

Summer movies, how they're less likely to get nominated for Oscars. People didn't remember it? Yeah, I guess. Or I don't know. That's the only explanation I can think of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just was totally blanked across the board pretty much. I was like, that's so surprising. So this is actually going to be Cola Scolas. And they said that it has to do with Feed the Birds, Tup and Sibag. Something along those lines. Another Mary. Yeah. Very interesting. Well, this is Cola Scolas. I don't think so, honey. Their time starts now.

I don't think so, honey. The scene in Mary Poppins where they go to the bank. The movie is six hours long. It is. That scene comes in at hour five. Right. Takes up another hour. They get a song. The men get a song. And I understand the point of that scene is to be boring to show like, oh, they need Mary Poppins. This is boring. 30 seconds. You know what? Thematically,

Have that scene have no music. Yeah. You know? Right. It's Mary brings the music in. And for that matter, no music before she comes in either. Okay? Yeah. You know? Except for maybe the children to show that they want music. Yeah. You know? Because when was the last time you watched Mary Poppins? I watched The Returns. No, but this doesn't count. It's been a while. You haven't watched it because you're scared of that bank scene. That's what I'm saying. And that's one minute. You're so right. And can I tell you something? Yeah. Yeah.

The whole arc of Mary Poppins, that movie, is like, not to bring drugs in again, it is like, it's all a come down after they go to cartoons. Yes. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious world. It's all that pot come down. It's pot come down. It's like that classic when you're coming down off of the high feeling. Fucking flies in so high. And you're like shaking and you have those shakes. And you get the, and you're like, your teeth hurt and you're like, oh my God, why did I smoke all that pot?

She's a drug addict. What did I wake and bake? What did I wake and bake and fly in? Yeah, that classic... She was like... Fucking stupid. And Mary Poppins is so racist. You were saying before, just like every woman. You said that before. Mary Poppins is so dumb, just like every crazy hysterical woman. Now... Going so bad. Julie Andrews...

Drag her! Julie Andrews can fuck. Can fuck. I bet, you know what's crazy? What? She has fucked. Yes. And you know, you think about Julie Andrews and you don't think about fucking, but then not everyone has seen Victor Vittoria. Her career after Sound of Music was, I need to like, let go of this girl. She made a movie with Blake Edwards where she was like, topless. She made several movies with him. Right after. And there's a lot of subtext in Princess Diaries about how she's an infomaniac.

I don't think so, honey. Can I coin a phrase? I don't think so, honey. That was the Kelsey. Well, now it's done. Now it's done. Now I just feel silly about the whole I don't think so, honey thing. Can I say something, though? Yeah. I think today, this podcast and you guys are back. Thank you so much. A lot of people are going to say that. We've had a fallow period. I'm not even kidding. A lot of people are going to say they're back. You guys are back. And I want you to be friends.

Earlier, I wanted you guys to not be friends. Can I tell you something? What? There's nothing you could have said that would have come between us. Sorry. Really? Wow, that really made me scared. Really? Because... Really? What do you know? Well, should I? Don't. Yeah. Don't. That's the dichotomy, Bowen. Don't. Me. Yeah. Did I? No. No, I really just... I was worried and now I'm not.

You're welcome. I hope this episode inspired confidence. And I hope it inspired. Period. Period. And I hope it inspires. Go see. Yeah. Go see what? Wicked? Oh Mary. Go see Wicked the movie. And Oh Mary on Broadway. How do you think Wicked the movie is going to be? Pretend he's not here. Oh, I can't wait.

I really can't. And I've never seen it on stage. You've never seen it on stage? I think he would like it on stage. I know I would. I know I would. You gotta go. You gotta go. It's that thing where I forget that...

You can just go. Oh, yeah, yeah. You absolutely can just go. In fact, I'm like, I don't have tickets. I'm like, oh, you get tickets. You get tickets. I was going to say you should go tonight, but it's Monday and famously they're dark. Broadway's dark. Except, oh, Mary will not be dark on Mondays in the summer. Wow. Perfect. So then when are you dark then? Sundays.

You did tell me this. Yeah. That's so genius. Is that strategy? No, Conrad's like very, very, very, very religious. I'm kidding. I was like trying to search my mind to remember if that was true. No way. It's deeply not. Deeply not. He's such a heathen. Oh, yeah. He really is a heathen. He believes in like upending all social norms. Yeah. Yeah. And chaos. And chaos.

This is a Judeo-Christian podcast, by the way, so we have to sort of float away from that. You did inspire me to go see Hello, Dolly! by myself. Wait, where? When Bernadette was on. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes. I think you and I had a conversation. I was like, I gotta go. I couldn't afford it at the time. It was like, I could not get tickets and couldn't afford it, and I feel so fucking crazy that I didn't go see that. I feel that way about Patty and Gypsy. Yeah, I couldn't afford tickets.

You know what's weird? I saw a matinee of it. She was phoning it in, you said. At the time, I was like, she was marking. And I felt crazy thinking that. But like, I think she was. Laura Benanti crush. That show is, I can't imagine doing that eight times. See, and that's why I don't go to matinees. And it's no shade. And I'm sure everyone does. But I also think that the performers know what I'm talking about. You know what I mean? Like, you're not giving out a Wednesday matinee. When I see a play, I see it on a Thursday night.

Oh, great. Why do you think Thursday night is the best? I am always like, oh, weekends, that's too many shows. They might be tired. Tuesday, they're just coming back. Wednesday, sometimes they have a matinee and then they have an evening show. Thursday is perfect. So Thursday is right before that weekend show. They've had enough time to, you know. But now, having done

several weeks off Broadway. When do you feel strongest? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It really doesn't matter. Like some days I'm like, oh my God, that Sunday matinee was amazing. Some days I'm like, oh, Friday night. It really is like... So then that's how Patty was. I mean, listen, it's Patty. I don't need to be convinced at all. Like I was just like, oh, I think because I was with my family, I think at the time, like...

always but we were being sort of like you know cognizant about how much we were spending on it they were like oh let's go to a Wednesday matinee or whatever it was and I remember leaving being like oh I wish that that could have lived up to what my little gay brain made it which was absolute roaring performance of a lifetime at all times it could have been the audience too it absolutely could have how do we love you one of the best how do we love you we want you to live we want you to live maybe the best we love you we want you to live we love you

A line that we quote all the time from Waiting for Gafford. Yeah. Good one. Corky, we love you. We want you to live. It's so funny. Catherine O'Hara would be a great Mary. Oh my God. Oh my God. So would Parker. So would Parker. So would Parker. Oh my God. I mean. But she's off doing White Lotus right now. No, she's not.

Oh. She was fired. Today. Oh my gosh. Chaotic behavior. Oh no. Personal differences. You're kidding. Guys, I'm kidding. Okay, April Fool's. You know what I love to say? What? You're kidding. You're kidding. You're kidding. Oh my God, you're kidding. You can do it so many different ways. No. I'm auditioning for you because I really want you to want to cast me in the show.

You want me to want you as Mary? No, that's not what I said. No, I don't want that. I don't think I'm right for it. I think, yes, you are. And the right casting is me as Abe and Mary's husband. No, I'm not going to say it. Whenever I get auditions, I'm always thinking like,

oh Gideon Glick should get this oh Matt Rogers should get this I feel that way all the time yeah but actually less as of late as of late I'm kind of like hey I'm in my bag like I actually have a big audition this week and I actually think no I don't think there's anyone that could do it like me wait but I don't think you will get that one

No, it's too soon. It's too soon. Yeah, you're right. You're not ready. It's too soon. It's too big an opportunity. I only just started. Yeah. Yeah. Well, listen. No, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you kiss. You sure do, queen. You sure do, queen. We are three neophytes here. Am I too mean? No. No. Okay, okay. You're not mean enough. I love being mean. This is Broadway, baby. This is Broadway.

You watch your back or you wash your mouth. You know what? I'm actually... Sorry. You know what? I'm actually... Does that work? I'm upset for you because... Well, actually, no, I'm not because you're going to have Sundays off. Yeah. This is a real thing. You have to go see The Sunset Boulevard with Nicole Scherzinger. Wait, is that coming here? Yes. Oh, my God. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Sundays. I'm telling you, I went in the West End. It was so great. She is...

in it. The concept that they went for, Jamie Lloyd, really good. Like it's an all queer cast, right? I wish that were so. Right? Just because they were gorge. It's all queer cast, right? Are you making... You're kidding. It's Queers Live. It's Queers Live, right? That's what I was talking about. It's like a fully like queer...

crew, everyone on the team is queer. Is AMAB. What's that? Assigned male of birth. Bowen is the face of AMAB. I'm the face of AMAB. Wait, but something I do want to say

is I need everyone to buy tickets to Bernadette Peters on Fire Island. Wait, oh, is that happening? That's happening. I need everyone to buy tickets so that they add a Sunday show. Yes. Because it's on a Saturday. But I think maybe it already is sold out. It's on a Saturday in June or July. But that's what they did for Patty last year. They sold out so quickly that they decided to send a show. I'm like, maybe Bernadette wouldn't want to add a second show. But I would, but I'm dying to see her. Look to the camera. Like, make your plea. Mom.

At a day. At a day. She's talking to me. At a day. At a day of Bernadette Peters on Fire Island. Growing up. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah. That would be amazing. Yeah. I mean, we saw Patty. We saw Patty. I saw her twice. I saw both nights. Oh, yeah. You were there. You were there that weekend. I don't know how. Who got me in. I bought the ticket for the second night. The first night. I bought tickets. I need to know what day it's happening because we're. You got to go. It's not going to be there that day.

Well, Bowen's working all of June, but I'm going to be there. Doing what? People's Court? Yeah. Oh, you would be great as like a judge on one of those shows. Well, he's not very fair. He barely even let me get me through my, I don't think so, honey. But you have to be more entertaining than fair. Right. You're so right. Yeah. And if there's one thing Bowen is, it's entertaining. Entertaining.

Yeah. As in making, you know, dishes. He's going to show his butt in a movie. That's why I've been going to the gym. You're going to see squats and hip thrusts. I've never seen my butt hole. And keep it that way. Because of the hair.

Because of the hair and it's the color of your lips. Is it real hairy down there? All the producers are puking, by the way. All the producers are puking, by the way. They're all fired. We have to end the episode, I believe. Oh, no. But I just wanted to read a book for you guys. Instead of us ending every episode with a song, can you end the episode with an excerpt? From a book? Yeah. Okay.

Success is counted sweetest by those who ne'er succeed. To comprehend a nectar requires sorest need. Not one of all the purple hosts who took the flag today can tell the definition so clear of Victor A. as he defeated dying on whose forbidden ear the distant strains of triumph ring agonized and clear. That was J.K. Rowling. Yes.

Speaking about trans rights. Bye. Bye.

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