How To Stand Up For Yourself 35:31

Hi guys, welcome back to this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. This week I have a new setup because doing it the makeshift way was driving me insane but more importantly I think it was driving everybody on my team insane. By force I'm now in a chair with a proper camera pointed at me and a microphone that's hooked up to something to save everyone's mental health. So

You've not seen the last of the car, to be honest. I am going home in two days back to my beautiful car. I don't bring my car to London because I just...

don't think that's like moral to be honest like first of all you have to pay a lot of money to drive a car that emits fumes like that in London and that's just irresponsible and second of all it doesn't it's not really a car meant for roads with traffic flow you need to only drive it when there's just like no chance of you coming into contact with another vehicle which is why I only drive it in the forest.

But this is a new set and this is a new chair. I only got it, I think, three days ago. And I actually had...

a moment of personal growth upon receiving this chair. I ordered it from a website where they don't guarantee that they'll be able to bring it into your flat or your apartment, whatever. They might just do like curbside drop off. I went out of my way and I contacted the seller to inform them that I had stairs and an elevator and that I would need the piece of furniture to be dropped off directly into my flat because I'm too small to lift it.

And then I'm happy to pay extra for the service. They agreed it with me and I was like, cool. So then the morning of the delivery comes and I get a phone call from someone at the company and they're like, hey, our driver's just called and he's like, he needs you to go down and help.

to bring the chair in. But I was like, but why? I paid extra in advance and I informed your client that I have stairs and an elevator. If the couch, if the chair doesn't fit into the elevator, that there would be stairs, so on and so forth, you know? And so he was like, well, no one informed me. And I was like, well, I think my words were, well, I informed your client.

I have never stood up for myself in any sense of the word ever in my entire life. And had I not stood up for myself, I would never have got this chair because they were fully just going to tell me to go fuck myself and just drop it on the street in the middle of London and like give me no assistance. Nearly spilled coffee on the new chair and often no assistance getting it in to my flat. Right.

But I actually had the balls because I have a friend who works in the corporate world now, but like not just like the corporate world, but she's like a big girl corporate job. Right. And she's been letting me listen to her work phone calls and she kind of just spends all day telling people off. And it's really cool. And I've learned a lot from her, not in a mean way, but like she's very much the boss of her company and she's very good at what she does.

She's actually not the boss in any sense of the word. So I've like learned a thing or two about how you have to stand up for yourself because she always tells me that when she watches me navigate my life, she wants to rip her hair out. Actually, she told me it gives her the ick. She told me I give her the ick the way that I navigate my life because I'm so bad at standing up for myself. And she watches opportunities pass me by all the time because I'm not, I don't know how to speak properly.

in a specific way to people in order to make them take me seriously. In a way, like I could have someone super high up in a company come and present an opportunity to me and I will do nothing to ensure that they remember me when they walk away that night because I just sound like a fucking idiot. And it's true. I do.

Anyway, so I've been learning a lot from her. And so I said to the man on the phone, I was like, well, I informed your client, someone didn't inform the driver. So what are we going to do? What is the situation? How do we resolve it? Rather than just being like, oh, fuck, I'm so sorry. And hanging up the phone.

And it's the first time I've ever taken any ounce of control. And then it resulted in me being able to go down and speak to the driver and tell him that I did have a lift. It turned out it was miscommunication. He thought I only had stairs. I have a lift. And then he put the chair in the lift.

And all was well, but it was the first time that I've ever not just given up at the first obstacle of someone telling me they can't do something. And it got me exactly what I wanted it to get me, which is astounding. This episode is brought to you by Mejuri. You know, I had a thought the other day. Since Rwanda jewelry becomes something we only bought on special occasions...

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I've never stood up for myself before because I used to take things personally. Like I thought everything was personal. It was like little things like still to this day, unless there's something seriously, this is just an example, but unless there's seriously something wrong with my meal, like it's stone cold or it's moldy, I'm not going to send it back at a restaurant. But it's like my mom growing up was one of those people that would send her food back at the restaurant for like a multitude of reasons.

or demand at the hotel that they change our room because there's something wrong with it. You know what I mean? And I was always like, oh, oh my God, is my mama Karen? Like, and I would get bothered over it. And my sister would do the same thing. Like we'd be like, oh, mom's complaining. But as I mature, and I genuinely cannot believe I'm saying this, but like, I think as I mature, I realize if the person on the receiving end of the complaint doesn't take things personally,

Like most people wouldn't. And you're not rude to them. It's not personal. And I don't need to be scared of someone's like emotions behind it. It's just like a...

like you see the way that corporate business people talk to each other and it's like if you took it personal it's like insanely bitchy and cruel and mean but when you see it from like a corporate sense it makes so much sense and it's like the correct way of speaking to each other because it's so blatantly clear what you're saying and if you were talking to a normal person like that in a personal relationship they might be like why the fuck are you speaking like this but then you do it

in a mature adult way with strangers and people that you come into contact with in whatever little mode, like they're from the delivery company or I don't know, they're your builders. It's not, I don't know, like I'm just learning to not take things personally. And then I stopped projecting it onto other people that they might take it personally if I dislike a service that they've provided. I don't know. Or like,

Also, just advocating for your needs being met in teeny tiny little ways. Like I can do it in my personal life. Like if my friend pisses me off or if my relationship is not fulfilling me, like I can stand up for myself. But then the second that it's like a stranger or someone that I work with, if I'm not fulfilled by that or they've not done what I need them to do, I would never normally say anything. But I'm learning to be like, oh, yeah.

No, because I know they're not going to take it personally because I now don't take it personally. That was also my old fault. I used to take people fucking me over business-wise personally and I had to like stop doing that so quickly because that'll just make you pretty miserable. I feel like there should be a difference in my head between standing up for yourself and being perceived as like a quote-unquote Karen. I'm trying to think of any time that my dad has complained about

anywhere we've been he's he's not really a complainer I mean he'll complain to me but he won't complain to like the wait staff or the fucking hotel concierge like he's very much just like a get up with it and grumble to your loved ones more than like make a complaint but like anytime I have heard him complain or whatever I would never feel like embarrassed by it

I might be like agitated, like, oh, like, it's not that big of an issue. Let's just get on with it, whatever. But then like, when my mom complains, I'm like, oh my fucking God, because I know the way that she's probably being perceived is different. And I don't want, like, I don't know, I've worked in pubs,

For upwards of seven years of my life, I worked in pubs. My first job, I worked in my local pub. I got that like the week I turned 16. And then I didn't stop working in pubs until pretty much this. So I know the kind of conversations that I had.

in the waitress station about bitchy customers. And I'm so scared of anyone that I love ever being perceived that way for sending back a meal or like, I don't know, speaking too sharply or reading off the menu without giving eye contact. Like it's little things that I know when I was waitstaff, I would clock and be like,

this is rude or this is hurtful or like I just think that you have are showing some kind of lack of respect right I would perceive it as a lack of respect and I wouldn't care but I would just perceive it as such right but then I would hear other people get really bothered about that in the waitress station and they would talk about it and they'd be really mean about the customers sometimes but I've never worried that my dad or that any man I'm with would be talked about like that

as much as I am when it comes to my mom. And there's there's no word for a male Karen. That's such a good fucking point. What the hell? Oh, my God. I remember in like year 13. I was in my English literature class. And my English literature teacher was like a crazy feminist. Well, she was actually just like a very average feminist, but she was like one of the first ones I'd encountered ever. So I was like, in love with her. And I remember she asked, she was like,

what's the equivalent word for a player when it's a girl? And everyone was like, uh, horror. And then that was the day I think I deeped that for the first time in my life. I must've been like 16 or 17. I was like, obviously it's like an obvious point to me now, but like, yeah, there is no equivalent. And it's the same with Karen. What's the male equivalent? There isn't one.

And it's not because men complain less. If anything, they complain way fucking more. I think the word Ken for a male Karen is pretty good because they believe in the patriarchy. They probably fucking love horses. Like, it's actually very fitting. I like that. But I don't, I don't know. I don't know. I don't think I've ever encountered a Karen in my life, quote unquote. Like, I've worked in bars and pubs, like I said, I think a total of seven years combined. And...

I've met bitchy people. I've met people with bad manners. I don't think I've ever actually met Karen though. I think they're less of a phenomena than people like to make out, which makes me think that people just don't like when people advocate for their needs. I don't know. Actually, that's really controversial because Karen's definitely do exist. I just haven't met that many of them. I've just met people with bad fucking manners. What is the difference between Karen and standing up for yourself? I don't know. I guess it's the way that you do it. I guess it's like...

For me, the difference is probably like, are you looking down on your service provider? And if you are, then that's just... If you look down on someone that's providing a service for you, you do not deserve to receive the service. It's that fucking simple. I guess for me, that's the difference. Because you can stand up for your needs and you can tell someone that they've not done their job correctly. And you can... Especially if it's a corporate...

like business to business thing, if you are working with someone and they've not done their job, that's one thing. But then if someone's providing a service for you, and you're going to like speak down on them, as if you're somehow above them, more important, your job is more important. I don't know, to me, that's probably where the line is like towards being a Karen. I think it's just the way that you deliver the message of like, my food is cold, or I need my chair upstairs.

But yeah, I think it's just in your respect. But then it's also like, I think a lot of people would perceive like,

Just pointing out like, no, this needs to be done or that needs to be done. For some people could be like perceivable as a lack of respect in and of itself. But for me, I'm learning that that's not. I'm learning that the real issue is the way that you deliver it and why you deliver it in the first place, I guess. I don't know. I'm probably not going to stand up for myself again for another six months. But when I do, I'll let you know. But yeah.

I was just surprised because it actually got me where I wanted to be. And also, my landlord is...

like, I guess he's just a landlord. Like, but here's the thing. My old uni accommodation was 100 pounds a week at the worst of times, like 80 pounds a week was what I paid in most of my houses. I lived in four different ones or five, four or five different ones. It was usually 80 pounds a week. Sometimes I splurged and had a nicer house via maybe 100 110 pounds a week. That was like the maximum end of my budget.

somehow miraculously in all of those houses moldy yes damp yes stinky yeah small yeah but the washing machine always worked the sinks they always worked the toilet always flushed the fridge was always cold you know what i mean like little basic maintenance things like that like they they worked like the house was gross but the things within it worked as well as they needed to

This episode is brought to you by Mejuri. You know, I had a thought the other day. Since Rwanda jewelry becomes something we only bought on special occasions, Mejuri approaches fine jewelry a little bit differently. Each one of their pieces is handcrafted by jewelers committed to quality craftsmanship as well as ethical and sustainable jewelry production. Created by women for women, Mejuri is breaking down barriers in what has long been an exclusive and occasional category of men buying for women.

In 2020, the brand launched the Missouri Empowerment Fund in support of higher education for underrepresented women and non-binary individuals. Because fine jewelry doesn't have to cost the world, feel good about your jewelry in more ways than one. Start stacking your favorites, shop online or visit the website to find a store near you. So I moved to London. My budget has expanded. I'm a big girl now. I'm moving into my first big girl flat and I'm like, it's not even occurring to me that I'm going to have maintenance issues. I don't know why.

I don't know why. And then I move in, my washing machine didn't work. My fridge doesn't work. My dishwasher didn't work. All of my sinks were blocked and the blockage was 18 meters deep in my pipe works. By the way, when I got a vacuum, they told me I was 18 meters in there because they had to bring in like secondary long equipment.

Like, I don't know how that happened. Like, obviously, it wasn't me. It was there before, like the sinks were blocked the day I moved in. Anyway, anyway, I digress. The shower also didn't work for an entire month. So I said to my landlord, the flat was pointless for the first month I lived here. Like I had to go out to do my laundry. I had to go out to eat because I could order in

But the thing is, if I used a plate, I couldn't clean the plate. Like I couldn't even wash it in the sink because the sink was overflowing. I couldn't wash it in the shower because the shower didn't fucking work. Like nothing worked. So I was like, I just kind of went home because I was like, I'm not going to spend a bunch of money trying to like feed myself and like, I don't know, go to the laundrette every few days for my laundry. Like it just didn't seem worth it living here and like racking up bills for no point. So I just turned off my boiler and I just went home. I wasn't going to use electricity. It was just a stressful experience.

And I said to my landlord, I was like, also, my door didn't lock the day I moved in. Like I went to lock the door and the entire panel with the lock in it just fell off. So I slept in an unsecured flat in the middle of London on my first night. Anyway, so I messaged him and I was like, could you maybe reimburse at least a few weeks of rent because your flat was uninhabitable and just like,

why did you not do any maintenance also he didn't even clean it the day that i moved in i was like why did you not clean it why didn't you not do any maintenance checks blah blah blah also like half the lights didn't turn on i could go on i could go on and on and on and he was like hello madeline i find your complaints i don't know what the word he used was hurtful or something he was like i can't believe you would call the flat uninhabitable

You could sleep in it and you could use the heating. So it was not uninhabitable. And I was like, not sure that's fair, but whatever.

let that one go. And then he was like, I have 20 other tenants across 20 other properties and none of them have complained about their appliances. Basically was pointing the finger at me being like, basically like you're being a Karen. And I was like, I, this is so obscure to me. Like, it's not like the fridge isn't up to scratch. The fridge isn't fucking on. It's not like the

the washing machine isn't washing my clothes as well as I'd like the washing machine is leaking into my neighbor's ceiling and she keeps banging on my door every time I use it like but it's not nothing works like it's not usable and

The sink is blocked. Like it is, the sink is full of water that's been there for five days because it can't drain at all. It's like, what on earth, what on earth do you mean by, by your other tenants aren't having maintenance issues? Good for them. I am. I'm having maintenance issues, you prick. And the first time I used the shower, this sulfurous smell filled the flat. And I ended up calling someone from like a plumber site. And he was like,

This is probably because no one has run these taps in such a long time that little pockets of water have sat there and they stink and now you're flushing them out and the fumes are coming up, something like that.

And I was like, hold on. So are you telling me that the previous tenants probably didn't live here? He was like, no, there's no way this flat with all of its maintenance issues and this smell. He was like, no one has lived here for an extended period of time. Possibly they used it as some kind of office, but they haven't lived here. And I was like, very interesting.

And then my landlord tried to come and say like, my old tenants didn't have any issues. My tenants in other properties, they don't have any issues. And I was like, your old tenants didn't fucking live here. They lied to you. So anyway, my point is he basically tried to call me a Karen for complaining about very reasonable maintenance issues within the flat that were his responsibility to check and fix that he will not check or fix. And I wrote back to him and I was like, this is by the way, on like our fourth correspondence of like deeply thought out written emails, um,

This is after he was like, my other tenants don't have problems in my other properties. And I was like, fucking good for them. And I wrote to him and I said, respectfully, I've lived in literally the most run down university flats, like uni city flats. I've paid as little as like 90 pounds a week in rent.

And miraculously, you know, those landlords were able to supply me with a fridge that was cold and a washing machine with water connected to it somehow. Right. Like, and I was like, I want you to know I've never in all my six years of renting had an issue with an appliance ever. It's never happened to me.

please don't accuse me of a looking for maintenance issues for fun I suppose why else would I do it for fun obviously or like having these kinds of issues follow me from tenancy to tenancy I was like I don't know what you're accusing me of and then I ended up getting him to reimburse me like I don't know it was like a quarter of a month of rent but it's better than nothing and um

Yeah, I had to stand up myself, but it paid off. He gave me a little bit of my money back. And honestly, I think it actually changed his perspective on the entire thing. Because it was like he was like kicking his feet a bit, like stomping his feet. Just fix your fucking washing machine. I don't get it. It's still broken. Yeah.

Someone's coming on Thursday. Anyway, no one cares. But like, why is he accusing me of being a Karen? That's just so beyond me. Like, why are you... I don't even understand what he was accusing me of. Like, lying about them being broken or like being too...

Like, stop complaining, they're fine. Like, no one else cares when their fridge doesn't work. No one else cares. Like, I don't know. It felt so weird to me. I was like, I don't really understand what you're saying, but I can tell that you're annoyed that I'm making valid complaints and that you don't want to, like, it's almost like a personal attack to you. I don't know. But I could tell that he was perceiving me very much as a Karen and it pissed me the fuck off. And I wonder if it would have been different if I was a man. Probably. ♪

So I think this journey of me like figuring out how to stand up for myself, like what I said earlier about a Karen versus standing up for yourself and figuring out the balance in my life of of not being afraid to do that and learning how to do that and be respectful of other people as well as of myself is a huge lesson that I'm learning right now. And I think it really ties into smaller life decisions like

going to an event by myself and learning how to talk more professionally to people. And I grew very intensely during uni, especially because it was COVID. Like I was just very alone and just focused on myself internally a lot. And then I think now it's kind of like, okay, step by step,

How do I feel like I'm actually taking proactive steps to become a better version of myself personally, professionally? It's more I need to feel like I have a fucking leg to stand on again. Like,

Personally, I know that I need a therapist to help me through my current career, my current life. And I have no doubts about my older male therapist's abilities to help me understand who I am as a person and why I am the way that I am. I really value him and that's why I will still be working with him. Like I just need someone that I can like tell everything to and offload on without that impeding their opinion of me.

why what happened to me at a young age had such a big effect on me. Like, I don't want to get caught up in that with my current therapist. It feels irrelevant to me. It's probably not, but it feels it. I need a more current therapist, someone a little bit more young, someone a little bit more in the know and with just like a general cultural understanding of

What the fuck I'm going through and what the fuck is going on in my life. I need to be talking about what's going on for me in the day to day. It's non-negotiable. Like it's, it's great trying to understand what happened to you in your former years and what may have affected you and why.

but I really cannot not be talking about what's going on for me in the day to day and I've realized that I feel like it would be good for me to have a female therapist just because I am inclined to believe that they understand the complexities of being a 20 year old woman a little bit

a little bit more than a 70 year old man. I don't tend to have a massive issue with like the gender of my therapist. It's a it's a big thing for a lot of women, like a lot of the girlies that I'll say like, oh, I have a male therapist. I'll be like, really? And I almost feel

feel negatively about that like I don't want them to have that reaction because it makes me feel like I'm not doing the work that I need to be doing in a way I don't like that feeling but I think having a female therapist may make me more comfortable to kind of talk about the the exact here and now and just kind of offer a sense of real comfort and understanding that an older male can't offer me and it's like I just value them for different things like we're

will I talk to my new female therapist about exactly what happened when I was, you know, seven years and two months old and why that had such a profound effect on me? Not necessarily. Like the trust I have in my current male therapist is huge.

above and beyond. Like, I don't know if I will ever have a relationship with a therapist the way I have a relationship with my current male one. Like I've, I cannot emphasize enough how much I value him and how much he's brought to me and how much he's helped me. He's helped me grow, but I just do feel like it's, it's also time for me to

And it might not even be an attribute of the fact that she's female. It might just be the fact that she's new to me and that I can just fill her in on the here and now. And the thing with therapy is it's expensive. And I don't necessarily want to waste time with my current therapist on like my poor decision making in my 20s and blah, blah, blah. And like almost like gossipy, like, oh, this is what I'm doing. Like, this is what happened last week. Like, I really want him to focus on

On what happened before and what triggered me to go into a full on mental breakdown when I was 13, like that's what I'm trying to unpack. And that's still what I'm trying to understand and have been trying to understand for years. Why did that happen to me? And why is it still affecting me at my current age? Why? Why does something that happened to me at 13 still affect me?

hinder every single day of my existence at 23. That's what I want him to tell me. And that's what I know he can tell me eventually, if I give him enough information, almost like a life coach, I think I need my sister goes to someone who she calls, I think it's a happiness teacher. And it's not like a therapist, but it's like, it's more like life coach vibes. Like,

She won't look into why you feel the way you do or what happened to you as a kid to make you like this. She'll just literally be like, okay, so you're feeling this. How can we work through this emotion when you feel it? How can you change the way that you feel about this situation?

And it's literally like, what are you feeling? Let's change it. How do you feel? How does it affect you? Rather than like, why do you feel and what happened to you? And what is the cause and effect? It's more just like, why and how? And I think that's a little bit more of what I need, because I've been stuck in the same emotions for ages. And I'm bored of them, to be honest.

It's easy to feel, I guess, in this career path, like things are just going to be handed to you. It's all so unexpected. It's all so crazy. It comes to you before you know it. You're in these weird positions and you just can't really comprehend it. But then you actually need to go deeper in and think, OK, if everything ended tomorrow,

what's left for me like if the internet crashed tomorrow what what do I have left after that what relationships do I have what friendships do I have what personal relations do I have what professional relations do I have and

Until very recently, for me, that was almost nothing. Like I didn't have strong friendships anymore. I'd let those go because I was so drained and so empty. And I just, I wasn't going to therapy. I had nothing to offer my friendships. I had nothing. I had no space on my plate to accommodate anybody personally. I wasn't building professional relationships because I was bewildered by everything that was in front of me. I just didn't have a fucking leg to stand on. And I was incredibly aware of that.

Which was a very stark contrast to university where I felt like I had every single day of my life, I was building a stronger leg, if that makes sense. Like I was contributing, I was working, I had something to show for it. I was building a grade, I was building a degree, I was building professional relationships within that field. Like I knew exactly where I stood.

And that was like a very concerning thing to lose, to take the jump and step away from a career in linguistics that I had built a valid one from. Like I knew people within the field. I had validity within the field. I had

like work that was publishable. I had a master's degree waiting for me. And then to step into a world where it's like fickle, like it could all just stop tomorrow. It's not stable. I think to build a solid sense of self within that and friendships within that that can withstand anything. And I guess just to at least not hide behind other people, but to be the face of my own

brand in a way and actually speak to the people that are offering me opportunities rather than putting someone else in front of me and saying they can speak for me. I think my issue was I didn't think I deserved to be where I was. So I was just like delegating and being like, oh, you can speak to this, this powerful person on my behalf. You're better than me. And maybe they are, maybe they're more qualified. I don't know. It's not an excuse to not like take the opportunity and run with it because I

why wouldn't you like you have to be insane to not take every opportunity that you're given and do as much as you physically can with it I think it's I'm starting to listen to the advice that a version of me three years ago or two years ago even would have given to someone in my position now how harsh I would have been to them and how mean I would have been to them and how like abrasive I would have been in my opinions of how they should behave and how they should

take opportunities or not take opportunities. I need to kind of tap back into her and speak like that to myself. I think, I don't know, it's, I guess it's all part of growing up. I have come to the conclusion during this podcast that it's important to have therapists that

meet your needs. And I think it's hard to find, like I said, it's hard to find one that can do everything for you. Like I said earlier with the bewilderment thing where you kind of just like dissociate from the entire situation that you're in. It's interesting to me. And I think that's why I didn't seek extra help when the help that I was getting wasn't quite enough for me. And obviously it was evident. That's why the people that work with me were saying,

you need help. And I was saying, well, I have help, like, but it wasn't enough. And so I'm, I guess I'm proud of myself. I'm learning to stand up for myself in work contexts and life contexts, as well as personal contexts. And I'm learning to create friendships that are genuinely healthy for me, as well as trying to create

therapist relationships that actually serve me rather than just being able to comfort myself and say well I'm in therapy well I am working on myself like yeah you're in therapy but that therapist might not be right for you therefore you're not actually working on yourself like it's just an excuse if you're not getting what you need out of it it's kind of just like a band-aid on a problem rather than you're actually fixing the problem which I'm learning to stop doing I guess anyway

Thank you for listening to my very late night. It is 2 a.m. or potentially 3. I've not checked the time. It's 3 a.m. 2.40 in the morning. Thanks for listening to my self-indulged rambles. Next week on Pretty Lonesome, I'll be bringing in another guest, a friend of mine, Daniel Rhodes.

People have been asking me to collaborate with him for a long time, but little do they know we're actually friends, like genuinely friends, and I adore him. And he will be on the podcast next week if you care to tune in. We talked about my fruit fly and rat infestation from the insane amount of garbage that I've let pile up in my hallway. And I had to call a company called Rubbish Taxi to get rid of it. And they just came this morning. I then hallucinated for about nine hours.

after they came because I was in and out of sleep. We talked about how we met in New Zealand a year ago when I was still living in a van. We actually filmed it tonight and I guess that's it. Thank you for listening. I'll see you next Monday on Pretty Lonesome. Love you.