We Met The Killer 01:02:15

This episode of Emergency Intercom. Who's having his first meal of the day on camera. What? Can I actually have one? I'm fucking starting a slim gym then. Okay, then give me a fucking... Me when you took my fucking car to get that. Give me a goddamn hot Cheeto or you owe me $6 in gas.

I'm gonna be so fucking mean to you. Fucking bitch. What the fuck? Sorry, I don't care. We haven't said anything because you want to start- La toxica. There, I said it. You're literally immediately gaslighting me. That's not gaslighting. That was toxic. No, what was toxic is you like putting the bag in- You're gaslighting Drew. Yeah.

Oh, the two white ugliest men on earth are trying to gaslight me on camera. What's sad is that like not only are y'all white, but you're ugly and white. Like y'all didn't even get like, y'all got a double hit from God. You mad, you mad, you mad. Welcome to this episode of Emergency Intercom. I have wet jeans because I went out in the rain and they go over the bottom of my shoe. It's the best day ever because it's raining out.

rained all day today. It was magical. I don't think I've ever gotten as much work done in my entire life than I did today. You completed one task. No, I edited an entire video, filmed a brand deal. Now I'm doing a podcast. So two tasks. Like you can't separate the video and the brand deal because the brand deal was for the video. I also...

went and bought slim jim went out and got a slim jim you went out and got some lunch also this is not my first meal of the day do not let and you lie to you people what was your first meal i had in and out i had a cheeseburger from in and out a cheeseburger i just spilled coffee all over the floor by the way you better clean it because this is gonna get it and get caffeine poisoning that's not how that works

Well, let's just get into this episode. Yeah. Okay. The first thing I want to talk about is how sexy I actually have become. Oh my God. And it's not a joke anymore because it's leaking into my real life. It's not just imaginary comments online. It's not people just commenting, Drew, you're so sexy, which I appreciate. I appreciate all the comments telling me how fucking sexy hot I am because...

It does fuel me and it does make me feel good about myself. And it does make me want to take care of myself. That's usually what compliments do. But it's leaking into my real life. So listen to this. Let me paint the scene. Also, before this goes, I just want to say you like fully ignore the fact that people see you and they go, oh, okay.

um you look rugged now and then they go into complimenting but it's usually like they get taken off rugged rugged is sexy to me i guess yeah no i bring back manly men like i've been saying it the entire time um one person said that to me and then i got kissed on the cheek because i had a beard at that party so let's not ignore that let's not ignore that but it's leaking into my real life um

So let me paint the scene for you. It's Inya, Elsie, Elisa, and Jester. They go out, have like a nice little din-din together. They treat themselves. They have a casual conversation. I don't know what went on at the dinner because I wasn't invited. Because you're not a girl, bitch. Okay. How do you know that? Because you literally just said, bring back manly men and I'm doing it. Fair. Um.

So yeah, they come home, I shower, I bathe, I do my thing, I get ready for bed. - None of this has to do with the story. - It does, it does. I'm painting a scene. And so like my body is glistening. - It is not. - It's glistening. I'm in my bedroom in bed and I put on my gray sweatpants because I'm like, oh, I wanna sleep in my sweatpants tonight. - Yeah, what they're made for. - And I'm not wearing a shirt. I'm not wearing a shirt.

Okay. So they get home and I hear them chatting it up. And then I'm like, oh, like I want to go hear the conversation. I'm going to go say what's up because I didn't say hi to everybody before they left. You hear me in the kitchen talking shit about...

Oh, we'll get into that. Saying the same shit. We'll get into that. I'm not talking about that. I mean, like, the conversation he actually walked in was literally a conversation I had three times that week. Yeah, literally. But we... They're all chatting in the kitchen. And so I'm like, oh, I'm gonna go say what's up. So I walk into the kitchen. And I'm shirtless in my gray sweatpants. And everybody in the kitchen takes a look at me. They look me up and down. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding.

Elisa. Do you care about your job? I don't give a fuck about my job. Does Kai care about his job? Because he hasn't said anything about it. So maybe you're the only one hearing it. I was waiting for you to finish your gray sweatpants story. Okay, so...

Walk in and the room falls silent. It's actually crazy the room falls silent everybody's head whips to me and they see my glistening toned body my freshly groomed body hair like I look good. I look sexy. I look hot like I'm serving and Elisa's like

almost like caught off guard by how sexy I am and she's like in mid conversation she's like Drew you look good you look really good right now and then Jester they're like what does Jester say what do they say they they jokingly turn their head and they go I've never seen this side of you they they've never seen this side of me which that could mean a lot of things Elsie stays silent she doesn't have anything to say but she does look at me up and down and I also I

Okay, keep going. I'm not saying that I was gray sweatpants challenging because I don't know if that was the case. We cannot see your bulge, no, if that's what you're asking. Okay, I was going to say. Your bulge is not big enough to slice. My bulge? Let me tell you about my bulge, ladies and gentlemen. It is perfect. Your bulge is not bulging, though. I have a perfect bulge. But yeah, I'm sexy and it's leaking into my real life. And scene.

It's not a scene. It's real. So, okay, what I'm gathering from this is you are coming into the age where people are giving you compliments to your face and you have no idea how to act. Yeah, because I literally have a job where I speak for an hour and I have to fill it. So if people call me sexy, I'm going to tell the world. Roe Mill.

Are you just going to name off everyone who's called you sexy recently? Because the list is pretty short. Those are the four people. I was saving this because this is something I've needed to say publicly for a long time. And I didn't want to say it in the first like four minutes of the podcast because I didn't want us to get demonetized again. But I think I'm going to like pursue this.

goal of mine it's usually like when i think about my future i have a hard time like visualizing what goals i really need to hit and i think one of them that i'm i'm really considering is i think i want to be the first woman to put someone in the hospital be ahead so i am working on that i feel like it like it might not be as challenging as i think but i do want to like just prep for it and like you could prep on me

No, you're my victim. Okay. I'm down. You're the victim. You know I'm down. But yeah, also the way I thought about that job is, I mean, the way I thought about that joke is literally we were standing on the sidewalk and Mason mentioned seeing Johnny Knoxville. And I said that I wanted to give him such vicious head that it puts his old ass in the hospital.

And I mean it. Okay, I'm done. I'm done sexualizing Johnny Knoxville because I don't actually want to have sex with him. I do want a selfie with him. So it's a pretty big... Mr. Knoxville. It's a pretty big jump back from giving... I didn't put him in a hospital, but really all I want is a selfie. You just have to shoot high. It's like when you're bribing someone, you have to shoot really high because you know they'll take it down to the number you actually want. And that's what I'm doing with Johnny Knoxville. Yeah. Set your expectations low.

but also high so when they don't reach your expectations they're already low yeah so it's like whichever one I get I'm getting something good exactly um do you would you like to read some of your notes that you've been saving because you've come up to me all week and you are about to say something and then you take it back yeah well I almost killed a dog I fully almost killed a dog today no at Target literally I almost killed a dog at Target um

I was grabbing LaCroix's, which literally every fucking person who came over last night drank like six of my fucking LaCroix's, drank half of them, left them out to rot, and now I have no more LaCroix's. And I bought those for me and only me, and everybody drank them. That's how I feel about my groceries all the time. But, you know, I don't say anything about it because I'm a gracious woman, and it's my job to be a caregiver to some extent, and I just care for my friends, and I don't play about. I don't give a fuck about my friends when they drink my LaCroix's.

But granted, they did really like the cherry blossom flavor. Oh, so they were killing that back. Yeah, which I fucking hate it, and it's literally the most rancid flavor I've ever tasted in my life, and it tastes like fucking chocolate and dog food. Yeah.

But I'm glad that you're- Dog food tastes good. I ate that like crazy as a kid. This is literally dog food. Like this is what dog food tastes like. And it tastes so good. Let me get another bite of that. But yeah, you're almost literally- Yeah, so I was grabbing the La Croix's and there was this like little rat dog running around on the ground. This little ankle biter. The one with the teeth that like stick out of the side and like the really fucking disgusting ass mangy fur. And he was running around at the bottom and

And the lady was also grabbing LaCroix's. And I was like, I was just going to grab one pack. I was just going to grab Pamplemousse. The tallest thing in the world. The classic Pamplemousse flavor. Like, you know, you know. If you know LaCroix, you know. I was going to grab that pack. And then I saw two full packs for $7. And I was like, I'm not passing that. You know I'm getting that. So I grabbed...

go to grab a second pack and I'm like, which pack am I going to grab? And then the cherry blossom catches my eye because I thought it would taste good, but I was very wrong.

I go to grab it and it's like the highest one up and it's like on a stack of like three and I pulled the top one off and They all start falling down and the dog is like had walked perfectly underneath where like these two cases of LaCroix would have like actually popped him like a fucking pimple it would have fallen and exploded into like actual powder like it would have really mutilated this dog. You would have literally eradicated him immediately. It was it would have been very bad, but

I'm a hero. I'm a savior. And I have quick reflexes and I caught it before it fell. It was actually like the slowest movement ever. It's not like it actually started falling. It was just like Drew went to go move the case and saw that it would fall if he grabbed it the way he was going to grab it. Our house is on fire. No, it's just so cold out. The neighbor downstairs is...

clothes and yeah you'll be saying that when we're burning alive on camera we're gonna release this episode on patreon see us die on camera burn alive on camera um but

I it's fucked up how funny I thought that was we were literally laughing in front of the owner and she had no idea how hard we were laughing at that like because she didn't notice what had happened and we walked away and I was laughing so fucking hard at that target because the idea that Drew would have literally I like if I would have killed that dog I would have actually never recovered like I don't think I could have ever recovered from that I truly could have honestly I would have forgotten about it in like eight hours like if I'm being honest

also then almost saw a dog get hit by a fucking car so ladies and gentlemen keep your dogs away from us because we're giving bad vibes to dogs recently we have dog omens bring around us and they will almost experience death not fully experience it give them stress them out a little bit stress them out a little bit about death oh this is a good one i'm going to mine i have a really good one loaded up sorry sorry i got you yeah

Um, okay. Back to life. So I thought about it. Um, I was thinking about like my dead brother, my brother who's dead. Why would you even think about that? Cause it's like a sad thing. No, but that's what I'm saying. Like, it's just like, it's already done. Why think of sad things? Just move on. My brother was always first in line to get my dad's like Rolex that he got from his father, who he got from his father.

So it's like a generational, like, it's like your bracelet. And I was like, I'm going to get the Rolex now. I'm going to get the Rolex. And I signed that. Don't you have two older brothers though? They're half. And I will kill them for the Rolex. But I thought about it and I was like, that's mine now. I thought the joke was going to be that you were going to kill your two older brothers. No, the joke is that I'm celebrating that my brother died so I get a Rolex.

I mean, if I'm being honest, that's an even trade-off. Yeah, it's fair. It's fair. And then I thought about it even deeper and I was like, the bloodline's going to end with me. I'm killing off the family. The Philly family. Yeah.

That was your turn. I thought I was like, oh, I get a Rolex, but I guess my bloodline does end. Tomorrow. The Phillips family ends with me. Tomorrow. No, no, no. No, it's going to end tomorrow because if it's ending with you, you're gone tomorrow. Why? I don't know. I just have a feeling. You have the hunch. The other day when we were leaving the house. Okay. I've talked about this before, but if you're a new reviewer, I have very intense feelings

about locking doors behind me. Like, I'm always convinced I didn't lock a door. Like, it's actually debilitating borderline because I have to wiggle. It's the word. I have to wiggle. And I have to troll. And I have to troll back. I know. Drew isn't, like, good at handling it. He, like, decides to, like, like, to terrorize me. She's like, Drew, is the door locked? Can you check to make sure I locked the door? And I'm like, yeah, sure. And then I go and check and I'm like, yeah, you left it unlocked but we should just go anyways. Yeah.

It's not a joke, Drew. What fucked up is like, obviously now I can laugh about it, but like when it's happening, it actually freaks me out because I believe it. It really is scary. It is like a deep paranoia for some reason that I like know you're joking, but part of me believes it. And it's like actually really crazy what my brain does to me. But, um...

The other day, I was locking the door, which makes it worse. Like, when we're leaving the house, if we're leaving out the front, like we're going out at night, I like when you lock the door because if I lock the door, I will stand there and, like, lock it and don't believe myself and I'll have to wiggle the handle and I'll lock it and wiggle the handle and go to walk away. You still do that after I lock it. I did do that the other night. But that's because you said something scary to me. He literally...

after he locked the door I locked the door I don't remember I was like I was like did I lock it am I locking this and he goes it doesn't matter because I have a feeling we're gonna get broken into tonight anyway laughing

But I genuinely did. I was like, I was sitting on my desk. And I was like, please don't fucking say that. And I was like, I'm getting an ominous vibe. Something bad is going to happen tonight. And I have a feeling it's going to be a home invasion. And I was like, don't even bother locking the door because they're just going to break in. Like, it doesn't matter. That is so weird because I had a very visceral dream last night that my house was broken into. Really? Yeah.

Y'all are putting bad fucking energy into the air. We're like connected. We're connected or something. Yeah. Sorry. I just didn't want to move closer. Freak. But yeah, Drew did that to me the other night and it literally terrorized me. And when we were in the Uber, it's all I could think about for like 15 minutes. And I had to like just change the subject in my head because I was like, I am not going to be able to think any other thought tonight. Well...

The house was not broken into. And then the other night when we went out right after, he locked the door and I went to go check in. He was like, oh, you don't have to worry because I don't think we're going to get broken into tonight. I was like, that's not how this works. It is.

Exactly how it works. I had a little surprise for the 39th episode. Is this the 39th episode? Yeah. What's the surprise? I was the guy that broke into your apartment. Anyways. Stop. There's going to be... Oh, fuck. Drew, stop. Oh, my God.

I'm fucking bleeding. Good. Don't get it on the fucking mic. We have to use that for actual guests. I'm crazy. You're not crazy. That was, that was, you were valid. It was valid. Yeah. You're valid as fuck. Drew, thank you for putting me in my place. You're welcome. And why did you not say sir?

Sir. Okay. Can you, are you going to apologize to him? I'm sorry. Sorry what? Sorry what? I'm sorry that I broke into your house and I shaved my pubes in your house. Oh my gosh. And I fucked up your trust and sense of security forever. And then... Sir. Apology kind of accepted. I let you bask in the maybe.

Bask in the maybe. Yeah. I'll let you fester in that maybe. Also, I decided something else. We need more thirst traps of me. It's true. We just need more thirst traps of me. Like, I miss being sexualized. I'm just, like, not sexualized as much anymore. I will give you a contributory.

Thank you. I'm not kidding. I need one. Like, when's the last time someone came on a picture of me? Like, we need to talk about it. Okay, actually, let me not entice that because that is... Saying that is, you're going to get a lot, which is kind of a vibe. No, because like, actually,

Where's my cum tributes? I know there's someone out there who has to give me a snail trail tribute. No, I want a snail trail tribute and I want a cum tribute immediately. Would you take a discharge tribute? Absolutely. I will take a bottle, any bodily fluid, like tribute, spit tribute, a shit tribute, literally anything. Someone shit on a photo of me. I really, I ironically need to see that. I don't have a shit kink piss on a photo.

Who the fuck is this? But the piss could be anything. Let me see. I'm sure a lot of y'all have noticed we don't have many ads anymore. And you're probably thinking, wow, oh my God, I feel so bad for them. They deserve ads. But we're doing our job. You're not doing your job. You need to fucking subscribe and engage with me or I will never do my job again. I can't believe I miss reading ads. I miss the taste. Let me see. Oh, I got a text too. I literally have no idea.

Do you have the number saved? Oh, it's literally Devin. Wait, why? Did she get a new number? She got two phones. One for the cases, one for the hoes. Yeah. Did you get it? Because her job. Wildfire cases. Yeah. We love Devin Lee Carlson. Live, laugh, love. Devin Lee Carlson. What? Kai, what's wrong with you? We literally brought up one of the most gorgeous women in the world and now you don't know how to fucking act? No, I didn't. No. I thought Drew was going to bring up something, but...

We'll spare you. We'll spare you. Although this is very open-ended and we'll leave a lot of questions to the viewers. And we're not cutting it out. I haven't cried in two years. That is just not true. Yeah, you just gave a laugh. He seriously came up to me in the kitchen and I was watching a Brittany and Sarah video and he saw them laughing and he just goes...

I just wish I could laugh like that. Like, I just wish I knew how to laugh. No, I mean, they like laugh at everything and it's like infectious. Like when I laugh, it's not infectious. Yes, it is. It's overwhelming and I don't laugh at everything. I like, I just, I get lost in my own brain and I'm like thinking of the next thing to say. That's literally everybody with attention issues who's also a comedian. So that's everyone in our group. Brittany and Sarah, I need training.

everybody in our group in a room is a nightmare that is the description of hell how loud a room gets when our whole group walks in is disgusting i have to i literally have to leave our like the living room like three or four times like every time everybody's over because it's so loud and it's always the next person's like trying to get the big best joke in the next laugh in and like

Sometimes I just cannot participate and I freak the fuck out and I have to just go lay in my bed and be on my iPhone where it's quiet for like literally five minutes. And then I make my way back in here when I hear Will Smith is getting his ass or beating Chris Rock's ass on stage. I can't believe you missed that with the whole group. Isn't that embarrassing, Kai? Like we had like such a group moment. I actually got a photo of as it was happening. Did you actually? Yeah, of everyone's face. Well, I was in that photo.

Oh, well, wasn't that when it was happening? No, it was after. I came in when you were taking the photos. So I was in all the photo evidence. So I could sit here and say, actually, I was there. But you weren't. Yesterday was the first time in a long time I actually did feel overwhelmed by how loud it got because I had to like connect the laptop to the TV and someone kept...

Someone kept saying something to me and I was like, I'm actually going to freak out if you repeat it. But I think it might have been Kai, but I don't remember. It was like something Kai or Christian was saying. One of you, like one of the really white men in the room was like saying a lot to me. And I was like, I'm going to freak out. It wasn't me. I was not in the room. I don't think it was me. It couldn't have been me.

It probably is you. No, I actually wasn't in the room when it was getting hooked up. But yeah. I was working. I was grinding. You sound like someone lying about an alibi. I was grindering. Grindering? Yeah, it's like working hard.

No, like grindering like insinuates you're on the app Grindr. I don't even know what that is. Like don't even, what is that? You just got like 14 notifications from it. I know, your phone is literally blowing up. It's vibrating so hard it's about to explode. I don't even literally know what y'all are even talking about. I don't know what Grindr is. Grindr is probably... You're looking up the sound right now.

Like, yeah, let's just like ruin the bit. Like, let's just like really ruin the bit. You are just taking so long. Oh, let me mute this. How do you mute a phone? How do you mute a phone? You don't know how to mute a phone? That was...

- How long it took you to get to that? - Fuck both of y'all. I've literally just been constantly attacked. I'm a punching bag for everybody always. Everybody just picks me up by my feet. - You literally started this by saying like you're getting too many compliments and they're leaking into real life and now you're trying to explain that you are being attacked. - I was literally just attacked. Everybody was not just attacked. - You're going to hell. Did you know that?

I'm going to kill you. Also, turn that thing off. You're a slut. That's the thing about you is like. I am a slut. Yep. And you think that's okay. I'm horny. But you ran through. I literally have to get it out if I don't let it out.

It starts to hurt. You're literally so ran through and you're actually going to hell. And it's going to be sad because I wish my friend could go to heaven with me, but they're going to hell because you're a fucking slut. God turning away Drew because he's too ran through. No, he's literally... I actually am ran through as fuck. I'm not even exaggerating. I'm ran through. But not by what you would expect. See?

don't touch me I have electric feel last time I was a ran through I was told last time you ran through yeah um also I decided that like the worst thing anybody who is not in my core group of people oh my god you're like blowing up are you going viral right now on Grindr I'm literally going viral as fuck on Grindr they got

I put my face on there for the first time in five years. Is your face not on there? Absolutely not. Hell no. I would never do that. I don't even know what you're even talking about. Then why were you so sure that your face wasn't on it? It's just not.

One day... It's actually crazy how COVID is over. Like, it's crazy how it has ended. I don't know anybody with COVID. No one knows anybody with COVID. It's just over. Well, I don't think it was... It just ended. I don't think it was real to begin with. No facts. They had to start a war. It was a pandemic. It was a pandemic and they started a war to get our attention off the COVID.

Because the government was over it. It's all... Fauci literally was like, you know what? I'm going to quit. It's so over that he's like, I'm walking away. I'm done. But yeah, COVID's over. It's actually crazy. And they planned a war. For the next year, though, there are going to be the people who are like...

Am I the only one who I know the mask mandate is lifted everywhere, but I refuse to go outside without a mask? And I'm like, you're a pussy. You're a loser. Like, okay, I did my part. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. Like the world is ending. We're going into a war. It's done. It's done. It's done. The economy is about to collapse. Like, let me live. And ironically, I want a gun.

I want a gun so bad. We were talking about this last night and a friend of ours who it makes sense that they would have a gun because they have like extremely like intense valuables. So it's like, yeah, I guess like that makes sense. And then everyone in the room, it was a room of like three losers with like the most expensive thing they have is like their iPhone. Myself. I'm protecting myself.

No one wants to harm you. How do you know that? If I had a gun, that would be 100% true. No, the thing is, if I had a gun and someone actually did re-break into the house, I wouldn't shoot them. I would probably shoot myself. I say this to Drew all the time. I'd kill myself. Oh, this is true all the time. The murderer, the killer would get to the gun before you and use your own gun on you. No, because they wouldn't use it on me. I would accidentally shoot my foot or something.

And then he would be like, oh, I literally cannot rob this person because they actually are, like, lacking brain power. They would just walk out. Like, walk right out. No, they're... I'm assuming they came in to, like, steal things. So, like, if you're shot in the foot, they're probably just gonna, like, keep pushing. Yeah. And steal things. The good thing is that, like...

Like, realistically, like, somebody who's coming in our house to steal things aren't going to steal the things we actually care about, which is, like, our stupid little, like, toys and things. Yeah. Because that's what I get concerned about. They're going to take my computer and I'm like, I don't give a fuck. You can have my computer. I want my little, like, toys that are, like, one of none. I'm like, have the computer. I want my, like, silly little stinky zine I bought, like, three years ago that I refuse to get rid of. Exactly, exactly. My stinky zine with water damage. It's the way... It's the way that I literally, like...

have so much patriotism right now. What is happening over here? Like, you need to chill. I just love America. Um, that's brave. I'm just switching up. I'm switching the narrative. We need to go back to Republican.

like that yesterday I was like I'm gonna be I was like I'm trend forecasting Trump is gonna be in in the next year I'm gonna be the first influencer and it was literally trend forecasting Trump saying like I'm gonna start standing Trump now because in three years it's gonna be cool to stand Trump and I'm like you are like actually deranged and you have like real issues in your brain I'm trend forecasting Trump is gonna slay the house boots

He literally is going to win the presidency again, unfortunately. And that's why we all have to get out there and vote. You're trend forecasting the next vote. Don't vote for Trump. I'm serious. You might be the first person to say that. The thing is when I say shit like this, I'm like, I know someone's going to be like, that's not funny. They're going to flip it and they're going to be like, it's not fucking funny. And I'm like, it literally is. It literally is funny to like play. Yeah.

It's the way that we saw the killer at the movie. Oh, stop! We actually saw the killer and I just got chills. Have we told you about this, Kai? No. Dude, it literally was actually

It's actually so scary. So we went to see Worst Person in the World, which is our fucking top tier movie. Best movie that I've seen this year. Yeah. Literally, it's my media of the week. I know it's Drew's media of the week. Like, it is so fucking good. But we went together. We were supposed to go with Josh, but Josh fucking bailed on us because he doesn't fucking love us and he hates us and he actually wants us to die. He literally does not care about us.

I'm sorry. He doesn't care about us and he literally bought me In-N-Out and let me edit on his computer all day today. But we were supposed to see it with him. He couldn't... Are you kidding me? I barely moved the thing. How did you even hear that? Run that back. You heard how loud that was. I'm just going to edit the sound so that it looks better. It's gone. You're going to hell.

So you're trying so hard to like tickle me. You are so soft. Like actually, I'm not even saying that. Are my legs soft? They're like, nah. Yes. Your hands are like,

Really soft. - Don't you want these hands on your body? - I want them to touch my ass. They're actually really soft. - You want me to touch your number. - I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. If I close my eyes and you were like, "Are these mannequin hands or human hands?" I would literally say mannequin hands 'cause they are so soft. Also, they feel like, do you know Sofia the robot? They feel like how I imagine Sofia the robot skin feels. - Kai, would you like a touch?

Yeah. Oh my God. What is wrong with you?

You want to touch in you so bad. No, you guys don't understand how hard my life is because I can't touch anyone with my hands. I will say the other day you rubbed your fucking palm sweat on my like leg and it actually was like the scariest thing ever. I've genuinely never noticed. My hands are so fucking sweaty now. I've genuinely never noticed. Is it a recent thing? You should get Botox in your hands like a normal person would. It's especially bad at

In the last week. After hanging out around me because you're so nervous. Yeah. Yeah. No, you should get Botox in your hands. Yeah, that could be a good Patreon episode. Are you insinuating that we have to get you Botox? Yes. I'll pay for the Botox. I genuinely like would consider paying for the Botox. How much would it be? I don't know. I'll Google it. Let's see. We'll go in for you. We'll go in on you raw dog style. I wonder if I can get rid of my wrinkles on my hands. Oh.

I don't think it's that as much as it is like filling the pores. But maybe we could do that and then I can get my palms red. That would be really... We can change the description of your palm. Yeah, we can change my description. I'm going to take my leg off because I feel like it's like heavy. It's fine, but you can take it off. I'm like a strong boy. I've got strong thighs and calves. I get to put my leg on you. You can if you want. No, I have wet pants.

So we went to this movie theater. It was a cute theater, but it was fucking empty. And also it wasn't regular seats. It's couch. No, it was couches. And we thought we saw the real killer. Like I really, the real killer was in the theater with us. He was in the theater with us. The killer was, and he like sat. Okay. So the movie finished and like, he sat all the way through the credits. Like we were watching a Marvel movie. And he, he sat there like, I, I,

The stillest I've ever seen. The whole movie he was in the same position. And he did not move his face at all. Like he sat as still as this.

to like give like more context it's like little couches and he had the whole couch to himself so he couldn't like sprawl down and got comfy and like like leaned back a little bit but he stood back still the whole time and i looked at him multiple times through the movie and there wasn't a glimpse of expression no i kept looking at him because i was like is this motherfucker crying like everyone is crying like you have to be crying and he literally had nothing on his face it literally looked like he was wearing a mask it was literally so scary it was so

And the reason we even stayed after credits is because the movie was like so good. I wanted to do a stupid thing where like I filmed a bunch of clips of me like crying and being like annoying and like dying and passing away in the theater. So we stayed for a minute and I was like, he's going to get up soon.

And like we sat there. Like a normal fucking person would. And we sat there and he didn't move. And then it was like the credits were like done. Like they were showing the logos of the production companies already. And the lights had already come on. Like he was literally just sitting in like a bright ass movie theater, like staring at the credits. But that's the craziest part is like this isn't even the real killer. Yeah, this isn't the killer. The main killer of the story. But he's not the killer.

So then we leave like we I go to the bathroom and me and Drew are like just talking about the movie. I'm like wiping my fucking puffy ass cry face and we're like walking down the theater's empty and we should have walked back in and see if I know I'm assuming the killer wasn't there because we went to the parking lot and also to preface before we got in the theater this car was there downstairs with the lights on like the whole car was on and we looked in and no one was in it and it was like an old ass like

No branded car like I couldn't see like it wasn't like it looked like a Toyota Camry But there was no logos on it really felt like a test like it felt like a test by like Saw like jigsaw yeah And it was like if you touch the door handle like a pig a person in a pig mask is gonna come out and like Chlorophyll you and kill you. He was in the car. Chlorophyll you? Yeah Chlorophyll me up. Damn.

So then we go back downstairs to the parking lot to go to my car. And there's no other cars in the parking lot other than my car and this fucking killer car. Yeah. And me and Drew are talking and walking. Yeah, we're talking and walking. And sorry. Like, dude, both of us go deathly silent, but we keep walking. And both of us. And we're both staring at the car and we're like, oh, this is. I'm getting chills. Like, we. No. And like, I'm not kidding. We weren't saying anything to each other. Like, we both stopped.

dead in our tracks from talking. And we were just like walking past the car and both of us, like we weren't saying anything to each other. We started speeding up past the car because

And then we just ran to my car and actually started screaming and got in my car and like was freaking the fuck out. It's because what we saw, we both saw it and neither of us said it to each other because we're like, that was actually insane. Like that had to have been my fucking eyes. That's something you take to the grave because if you say it out loud, you're literally a psychopath and you need to be locked away. But like we both saw it. We were looking in the window in the driver's seat of this car. Oh, like they have to be in there now, right?

Yeah, because the car was still on. Yeah, and we look in and there's like this really...

really old man sitting in the car like hit like a giant head of this yeah it's like a huge head sitting in this car in the driver's seat and then like as you walk closer it morphed into like a young person's head and then me and indy looked at each other and we're like did you see that and then both of us immediately knew what we saw and then we when we were running we both looked back because we were like that had to have been a reflection of a poster yeah and there was an

Nothing. There was nothing. There was nothing. And we both saw this. It was so fucking scary. We both saw the same shit. Swear on my mother's fucking earth. We described it to each other at the exact same time. It was the most ominous shit ever. And then when we got in the parking garage before, like when we parked, I was like, why is this the quietest parking garage ever? Yeah, it was like death.

like quiet but it was full and right after we saw it and like we both like what triggered our running is like we both saw it we were silent and we were like did you see that and then a bird flew in the garage and we both screamed and I was like actually like on the verge of tears it was so fucking scary no I actually I was like

I'm dying in this parking lot. Yeah, I was like, there's someone in the back of this car. Did you look in the back of the car? Yes, and I looked in the car hella hard because I was like, there has to be a person in there. And there wasn't a person in there. No, in our car. Like, I looked in the, I was like, there's a person in our car. No, I just looked around. Oh, not in your car, but there was a person in there. No, there wasn't a person in the car we had looked in. There was no person and we both saw this fucking figure shift.

It was the most... And, like, it was, like, as we got close... And that's why I thought it had to have been a poster. Because as we got closer, it morphed. Like, it literally, like, morphed into, like, a younger dude. It was so weird. And then, yeah, we looked all over the garage. And, like, there was literally nothing but soundproofing on the ceiling. And, like, that was it. It was so weird. Yeah, it's not like... There was no posters. And the car was still on. Yeah. What the fuck? And we didn't see the killer again. You know, if you guys had invited me...

There would have been a third person to confirm this. Are you saying you don't believe us? No, he's saying he wanted to be invited. And we did invite you. We did invite you. Oh, fuck. And you were busy. Never mind. Never mind. Forget that I said that.

You're a freak. You were busy. That is so fucking crazy. No, it was actually fucking insane. And when I was retelling it, I got chills again. Like, I've never had an experience like that in my life. I'm so, like, not a believer of paranormal activity at all. But that shit freaked me out. When you guys were describing it, that entire thing, I

I felt the same feeling that I got when I saw the trailer for Under the Skin the first time. Oh, word. Yeah. Yeah, like the alien, like weird, just like... Yeah. Dude, it felt so... It really, it genuinely felt like otherworldly. I've never like... It was so...

It was the most, like I said it when I got out of the car, I was like, why is this the most silent space I've ever been in in my entire life? Like there were no sounds, like there wasn't even ringing in my ears. Like it was literally like a liminal space almost. And I want to go back to the garage. No, I do want to go back because also what's weird is as I think about it, like that night was so good though. Like even post that, like I felt really good. Like going into the theater, I felt good. Like it felt awesome. But that was like genuinely like,

Was like scared when I was like unlocking my car. I literally was like I need to get in my car It's like my ankles are gonna be slashed like there's gonna be a ghost that like kills me like it really was like like Pure you know, what's also weird is the the reflection thing was in black and white like yes Black and white and it wasn't in color like it

the the reflect the like guy in it was just like it was fully black it was like gray and white i could literally like it's so vivid in my head still that i could like draw it like i could like and like it it was almost like an apex twin like like old like apex twins like take on like an old person like rick rubin looking motherfucker for the first old guy yeah

That's so crazy. Well, no, I was saying like an Apex twin character, like someone in his universe, like a Chris Cunningham music video. Yeah. But yeah, it was very scary. Yeah. That was an alien for sure. That's what it felt like. I'm not kidding. That is what it felt like. It didn't feel like a ghostly presence. It literally felt like an otherworldly presence. So do you believe in aliens now? No, because I don't foresee that happening to me ever again. Well, Elon Musk...

is starting human trials on the Neuralink. Even though all the monkeys died? Yeah, and I don't give a fuck. And I want it, Elon. There are literally hundreds of thousands of people who would back you if I got brain damage from this thing. They would say, oh, he wanted it. He really wanted it. I'm saying it out loud. Please give it to me. I'm actually begging. I wouldn't let you.

Why? Because my life is too intertwined with you. If I lost you, I would like fuck on my whole life. So all I am is a work? Did I say work, Kai? No, she didn't. She insinuated. No, you twisted her words. Yeah, I said my life is intertwined with yours. She just expressed like a deep sentiment of love to you and then you twisted it. Because you think it's about money. Well, you can't trust anybody. Says who? Me. I can't trust anybody.

My hands are so fucking sweaty. Your balls are sweaty. We need to get you some... They are sweaty. Okay. What? This is the other thing I was going to say. The worst thing you can do on Instagram if I've been following you for five plus years is post on Instagram. Because don't let me catch you at the top of my fucking timeline. I am unfollowing you. And it's not me trying to be mean. I'm unfollowing you. If I see you on my timeline...

And it's bringing back memories. I'm unfollowing. Yeah, I do not need that. Like, I don't need to be like, oh my God, I like, I don't need to be like, how do I know this person? Like, I don't want to think about it. You know what I'm about to do? I'm about to unfollow literally everybody so I can like unfollow like a few people that I don't want to be following anymore. And instead of just like making it very targeted, I'm like, oh, I just forgot to follow you back and just never follow them back.

I can be your friend and not follow you. Exactly. I can be your friend and not care about what you see, what I see on your, like, what you post on Instagram. I can be your friend and think your photos are really fucking ugly and just not want to follow you. No, I actually do not give a fuck about, like, my following. I don't even go through, like, a homepage anymore. Like, I genuinely, like, just...

like scroll on my explorer page and watch like monkeys eat fucking pomegranates and bread the thing is i keep up with like maybe 15 people and then everybody else like i never see and that's why when i see them i'm like oh like i'm not even looking at yourself yeah sorry

Sorry about that. We gotta bring back casual Instagram, guys. Yeah. Casual. Photo dumps. We need to bring back casualty Instagram. In theory, like, I would like to actually just post. I think I've gotten better at that, though. I literally just, like, look at something and I'm like, I'm gonna post this. And then I just post. But I...

I think I'm gonna like start hella posting. Like I foresee that being the next thing is just like over posting. Like I want to treat IG like a blog, like blog style slay. Yeah. Why don't you start? I want to treat you like my blog and just like put myself all over you. I've begged you for months for that. Yeah, I like when you beg, but I'm not going to actually give it to you. How's that feel? You just call me a bitch and you're laughing about it? Oh, no, I wasn't laughing.

Don't fucking do it. You will never see the light of day again. I can't. I literally can't. I'm a fucking bitch. Saying you will never see the light of day again is such a deeply dark sentiment. I'm going to put you in a cellar and lock you away. You will never see the sun again. It's pretty scary. I can do that to both of you. Is that what I'm saying? Has your butthole seen the sun before? Yeah. Actually? Yeah. Really? Or no, I guess it's seen the moon. Your butthole? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because it's like you would have to you would know if it has because even if you're outside naked, you have to spread your cheeks. I think that's something that I need to do soon. Yeah, I do. Oh, I want to be naked like in nature so bad. I've been naked outdoors at night, not in the day. Yeah. I got naked outside a couple of times in high school. Because you're a slut. Yeah. Yeah. That's why I'm hella ran through literally in the nature center.

Are you kidding me? No. You're going to hell. Twice. And I'm snitching on you. Different people. Slut! We need to bring back slut shaming. We need to bring back bullying. We need to bring back homophobia. Patriotism.

I'm kidding. We've made a lot of progress at this podcast. We've done a lot for society. We literally have done so much. Here at Emergency Intercom, we've done a lot for the progression of society. Oh my God. If anything... We have modeled the waters. I genuinely believe we've like calmed some people down. Yeah. Because I do like...

I talk about this a lot. Like, it's needed. Like, it was just the grand swing of things. Oh, sorry. The pendulum just needed to reset itself. Yeah, like, it did need to swing very, like...

I don't want to say left because it's like that's I hate using like a political term for it. But it did need to swing super high where like there. OK, it was very clear like there was no room needed. Yeah, there was no room to be like poking fun at these things because not enough change was made. And now I think we're kind of coming to a spot. Of course, a lot of change still needs to be made. But I think we're coming to a point where it's like.

Okay, like you can like say let's have some fun. You know, it's you know, it's a joke. Let's have some you know I'm fucking joking you fucking bitch. Let's have some fun Don't touch my fucking don't take my fucking wife's name out your fucking mouth That is my vibe though

Keep my wife's name out your fucking mouth. I would slap someone for you. I would slap the shit out of someone for you. But I will say, not on public television, no. No. No. I know. Because I would also, I would break down. I would slap the shit out of someone for a stranger. And you saw it. You're fucking annoying. You don't have to get into it, but let's just say I'm a good person.

Oh, well a good person doesn't have to speak on the good things they do. They just let those actions speak. I never spoke on it. I never spoke on it. Barely spoke on it. I know. He was really good about it. Like he just kind of hinted at it. Can you hand me my Cheetos? Oh my God. You're not going to be hungry for dinner. I have a cold and I can't go to dinner. You have a cold heart. That's what you have. Should we pop on the media? Yeah. Yeah. Uh, 53 minutes right on time. I almost said something so nasty.

I'm in heat. I'm literally in heat. She is. She is. I'm in heat. I need... Let's be like this for eight months. I'm always in heat. It's like actually a problem. I'm never not horny, but we don't have to get into it. I'm literally salivating at the idea of cock right now. I'm sorry. I wrote... Oh, I say this every episode.

But my life has been too normal and good recently. Oh, my God. Expect something horrible to drop soon. I don't know what. Something big is coming. I'm genuinely thinking, like... Okay, my media of the week... Life has been way too solid. Like, I, like, really have, like, very little to complain about. Which, like, is a fucking vibe. But I'm like...

The pendulum always has to swing. What's coming? Okay, that's good. My media of the week is Peace by Dave. I thought... What? I didn't know where that sound was coming from and it freaked me out. No, you were about to get mad at me. I was. You should be mad at yourself. My media of the week is Peace by Dave Bigsby. I'm going to fucking hit you in the neck. Healing Part 1 by Todd Rundgren. Um...

Bury Me Next to You by Bilal. And Your Mom is a Slut. Oh my god, let's do that. What was that last one? And then Talk to Her. I think I already said that movie. Fuck you, motherfucker. My Media is Space Moth by Stereolab. You are smacking the fuck out of your mouth right now. Like, it is awful and I'm gonna fucking hit you. In God's Childlike Hands, Lauren Audure.

I'm not kidding. I'm gonna actually hurt you. Finish what you're saying before you eat with your mouth open. Okay. Parasite by Nick Drake. This is showing how much you care about your views right now, and it's very low. About my what? About your views. This is what gets the views, baby. Should I do the meme section? No! Let's toy with the idea where we play with memes. Where we play with my member? Should I play with my member right now? So the memes of the week... My member needs touching. Now...

This week's meme one of three is this. - It has to be memes that I haven't seen so we can get a reaction. - And then when I don't laugh it's gonna be embarrassing. - Yours are really good one. You've already seen all these. This is just a classic. Some of y'all should live here, not naming names. We need to visit this street 'cause I need a photo with it. - Where is it, New York? - No, there's a street here called Gay Street.

And we need to go. I got destroyed on your meme account. Do what? I got destroyed. Oh yeah, on the tag someone, that's the one I showed. On the tag someone gay to out them, all of the comments were about Kai and it was people that don't even know Kai that were commenting. Celebrities, of course. And then, we'll stick with the theme. Just another classic, like, swag is for boy, men is for men. You're for men. Oh yeah.

Yo, this is all the memes of the week. I'm so sweaty. Dude, I actually sweat from one armpit only when I'm not hot, but I'm like vocally and active. When I'm active with my mouth. That's real. I need to get active with my mouth immediately. Nipples scare the fuck out of me. Nipples? They're so weird. Like genuinely, they're so weird. I'd like to put some nipples in my mouth. Of course. Sooner than later. But yeah, they scare the fuck out of me. And also they...

I can relate this they feel weird what when people touch things oh yeah I have really sensitive nipples like some things are meant to be kept private Kai yeah as soon as I said it I was just like I wish I could take that back my shit is blowing thank you guys so much for listening to this episode um it was a rocky start but we got here in the end was it really rocky

No, I wasn't. I just wanted to say that. It's because I spoke for more time. No, it's because you went on a rant about being sexy. And I don't like that. Everybody wants to hear it. I don't want you to have confidence. All right. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.