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Welcome back to this episode. Welcome back to Emergency Intercom. Today we have a new episode. Yeah.
Or did you get insecure because of the whole like... Welcome back to this episode. Sorry, I just went deathly silent because I saw myself in the viewfinder and I thought about how one time, last time I had my bangs this short, someone said I looked like Lil Miquela. And I'm not kidding, I looked into the viewfinder and I thought I saw Lil Miquela and it was me. Android robot. Um, well, there's a lot to unpack this episode. Yeah. It's my super sweet 16.
We were supposed to get decorations, but I never actually hit purchase on my Amazon cart, so I just have an Amazon cart full of sweet 16. Yeah, so I'm turning 16. It's a very special year for me. I'm going to get my license. I've had my permit for like six months now. You got your driver's license this week. I drive in past your boulevard. Go into the store for coffee.
Those are not. This shit feels weird right now. Do you feel that? It's because you have a weird haircut. It's because, okay, Drew went for his birthday. I got fucking botched. I got botched. He wanted a little bit of a dye and a cut. They fucked my shit up.
This is the last time I'm going to Great Clips. I think you look beautiful. No, all the Yelp reviews were like, oh my God, this is where I went to go get my bleached hair, but I bleached my brows here. It seemed like Great Clips had stepped its coochie up. My fucking hair is falling out of my skull. It's actively falling out of my skull.
Also, the other thing I was saying that was a big thing to unpack was... That it's my birthday. That's the big thing to unpack. We haven't even gone into that. I was going to say, I made you a fucking birthday parody, bitch. It's not about your birthday. But I know how you're singing and replacing words. A good parody. The way I had to write this down because this is the best... I am Drew. No, it's I am the house. Damn.
I am Drew. I wrote that down. Maladrew. You couldn't remember that, so you had to fucking write it down. Because it sounded funny when you put it in different orders. It was like, I am serve. I am the house. It was too much. I didn't want to botch it and ruin my chance. Thank you for that gift. You're welcome. That was actually really nice. That's my only fucking gift to you, bitch. We have Call of Drudy, Drewmoji. The Drews. The Drews.
A Mario Drudy. Mario Party. That was bad. That shit sucked. That was a flop. There was one that we said the other day that was like... Maladru. No, you said that and that's not good. For Malaboo, Maladru. We call Malabay, Malabay. I call Malabay, Malabay. Well, we call Malaboo, Malabay. I said we call Malabay, Malabay. Well, that's what it is. That's what it is. And then there's Maladru. Malaboo, Drew. Malaboo.
No, it's not good. Drewmoji dropping soon. You keep saying that, but there's only one fucking Drewmoji. I told you yesterday, I was like, dude, you have to make one that's like sad or something because it's not even giving like versatility. It's giving verse.
You have to switch that mouth up, just that same mouth. When moms lose their kids on Facebook, they use the crying laughing emoji. They could use the crying Drew emoji. Do they actually? Yeah, all the time. They think it's people crying, but they don't realize that they're laughing at their child's passing. Oh, like the open mouth tier one? Yeah, Drewmoji. The Drewmoji one. No, no, no, no. There's two crying emojis. No, the one that you use...
I unironically now is the one. Oh, are you trying to call me out because I unironically use emojis? I do. I don't care. That's why Apple made them. Sorry. I unironically use emojis too. But that one is the only one that's off limits and it will forever be off limits to me. It's just shroud. It has so much irony behind it that it's just not real. No, the like two teardrop ones. That one's like actually that's a lie. I use that one too. I use all the fucking emojis. Like I use the laughing. I use the laughing crying. Like.
All of them are real. This is real fucking life. Get used to it. But yeah, anyways, Drewmoji dropping very soon. It's my fucking birthday. Come on, can we get a clap? You're like one of those people who starts a Kickstarter and like nothing ever happens. Let's get a clap for my birthday. More importantly, it's my dad's birthday tomorrow. Everybody, spill the comments. Let's get a clap for my birthday. Oh my god, I'm so sorry.
I'm so mad you didn't go to Monster Truck. That was something we did this week that was so fucking fun. It was actually legitimately the most fun I've had in four years of my life. And that's not me saying that to make people jealous. It genuinely was awoken something inside of me. And I want to drive Monster Trucks now.
I know. I want to be strapped in and like get a like break my neck. Girl, you know, it's fucked up as I went on IG and followed Monster Jam. I followed Zombie the driver. I followed literally everybody in the original like one of the original drivers has his own show. That's more like like it's not like made for kids. It's made for adults and you go get fucked up and you can get inside the monster trucks and shit. But it's in like South Carolina or some shit. We're fucking going. Yeah. Like, are you kidding me? Yeah.
There needs to be a documentary on, like, what happens behind the scenes of these traveling. I know it's fucked up. Because I know they're cheating on each other's wives. Like, I know. We literally watched one of the trucks, like, lift up onto another truck. And I was like, that's an HR violation. Yeah. It was a man truck on a girl truck. Get off of her. Now. What's her? Soldier Fortune? Soldier Fortune. Soldier Fortune. She ate. I know. She was serving. She literally almost passed. She left.
Her car caught on fire and almost exploded. Her truck flipped over and caught on fire. She literally just walked out like a champ. She took it like a champ. That's girl power. That girl power. I will not back down from that. That is real. That's what you define as girl power? Is someone almost dying in a monster truck? Yes. In the face of adversity, she stood tall.
she slayed she slayed we've created monsters what do you mean i um was my sister since i'm off tick tock i don't know if i've told you guys but i'm like off tick tock like the funny thing is i was the first one off tick tock and this mentioned it every episode i've been off tick tock for almost like two months now i don't use that anymore it's like bunk or whatever like
No big deal. Actually, I'm like addicted to it. And like anytime someone sends me a TikTok, I open it immediately and I have to like hover my, I'm like shaking about to redownload the app. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. I can't do it. I can't do it. Also, I just don't have enough fucking storage on my phone to do it. But I saw this TikTok of someone. It was like the clip of us talking about me liking your must, which I stand by. Like your shit stinks good. Yeah.
but someone in the comments was like, are they just like, are they dating? Or are they just like really, really good friends? And all of the comments were like, oh, they're like cousins, but they're also married. They're cousins and they're married. And someone was like, wait, no, but are they cousins or are they married? And someone just said both with a smiley face, like both. And I just like, I love that like lore that we've created for ourselves. Did we ever explain that?
I think we've talked about it a couple times. But for anybody who doesn't know, literally the reason we started saying we were cousins is because we started lying that we were dating because it would obviously get us views and everybody wanted us to date. So we just started lying and saying we were dating and we would do like, what?
my makeup but we did bf so we could be like well no it was best friend like y'all are y'all are dumb as shit you're reading between the lines right now you're making an ass out of yourself the first three letters ass sliding people from the beginning like you are a psychopath the first three letters of assume spell what that's what you're making of yourself if you assume things about people's characters i'm gonna shave your head and bare assing yeah
Bare assing. Why isn't one? Okay. There's something there. Um, but then we were like, dude, there's no way to like, we would just start backing up and being like, we're not dating. We're not dating. But people still thought we were dating. So then one day we were just like, we're literally cousins. How could we be fucking dating? Um,
And then we continued to lie about dating and getting married. Yeah, and then we were just... Yeah, I think what really turned the page of the cousins getting married thing was the cousins proposal on the beach. But it's legal where I'm from. That shit is so funny. And all of the comments... It reached outside my audience and all of the comments were like, this is really weird and why are y'all all hyping this up? We've created monsters. I love it. Like...
Oh, speaking of creating monsters. You were going to say cult. Is that where you're... I was going to transition to cult after this conversation. But where's my death hoax? Why haven't I had a death hoax yet? Wait, no. Did you not get one during Bionera? It wasn't...
No, I didn't have one. Oh, you weren't popping like that. All the popular girls got the death hooks when they were in high school. I need a death hooks now. I need to see how people would react over my death. You're only saying this because you got the tiny taste of one and you love it. Yeah, I was like, oh, this is interesting. People are like, oh my God, gone so soon. I used to watch his videos all the time. Used to, bitch. You should be actively...
Well, now they'll go back and if you know what? The good thing about your death hoax is it'll like generate more views for you right now. And then you get to come back and be like, I'm not dead. You're all crazy. I,
- That was such an era in 2014 when you would get our key show and show. - I started death hooks. I was the one actively starting death hooks. That Lisa and Lena girl, those twins, I started a really gnarly death hooks about them when I was 14.
And people were like, this is not fucking funny. Like, I actually thought they were dead. And I was like, oh, my God. I didn't know this was going to blow out of control because I thought it was just going to, like, stay within the audience. And, like, it was just going to be, like, an inside joke. But, like, it started, like, trending. I remember I, like, wanted a death hoax. And then one time someone tweeted me, like, just someone randomly tweeted at me and was, like, missing you so much today. R.I.P.
Something like that. And I thought that she was so funny. So I started retweeting it. I was like, this is Enya's mom. You were just tapped in. I was like...
like oh my god i'm about to get it i would actively do that same shit i would act like i was my mom i would post on my ig and be like drew is taken to it from you do that still my ig post that went up today is about me being dead on my birthday you just you know what it is like i want i want a death hoax and i wanted to go so far that people are like no she's not dead i think she moved to an island like you remember that whole arrow where
was convinced that like Tupac is literally still alive and so is Michael Jackson they're drinking fucking beer together on the Bahamas on the Bahamas or in the Bahamas like why would you be on them well I mean technically you are literally on them when you're on the soil you're not on the Bahamas you are on the soil of the Bahamas
Your hair looks fucking awful. Oh, so now you have to attack my appearance. If I can't fix it in five minutes... A real friend would just tell you and I'm just telling you. But if I can't fix it in five minutes, what's the fucking point in telling me? Oh, you can fix it in five minutes. There's a pair of fucking shears in the bathroom. Should we cut my hair live? Shave your head? Should we cut my hair live? Just a little cue. Oh, she missed a string. No? She left a string. She left a string of long hair that didn't die.
Crit, what the fuck? What the hell?
Drew felt like he needed to change his hair because everybody kept accusing him of being a cult leader. Literally. And you know what? He's not the cult leader. Actually, you know what's crazy? We had this conversation. Me and Anya were having this active argument in the car where I was like, no, I would be a cult leader. Also, this is not a lie. This is a genuine conversation we had in the car together. It was borderline argument. And I was like, no, I would be the cult leader. I would not be...
a follower like i would never follow a cult i'm too smart for that to fall for it i would be the one actively tricking people into believing that i am jesus christ because i mean kai thinks i am no he doesn't no he doesn't what makes you think that i think that you're jesus christ you just love me that's just like what friends do they just like love each other i just yeah i do nice things for you because you're my friend not because i think that you're jesus christ
Well, they think I'm Jesus Christ. Everybody in the comments, let them know. Let them know. Because it's been... Drew's been giving Jesus Christ recently. Even you said it. Like, yesterday you said it. No, I did. I'm going to send it to Guy. I took a picture of him and he literally looks like Jesus. It's like in Malibu and he's like looking off. It's crazy. It's literally crazy. Drew would literally be...
Drew would be integrated into a cult because someone would just lie to him and be like, dude, like we like really want to call, but we like need a leader. And like, Drew would be like, oh my God, yes, please, please, please, please. And like, before Drew knows it, he would just be in the cult. Like he would enter thinking he was about to lead it. And I bet he would come to my room and be like, dude, this is so crazy, but I just got like the opportunity of a lifetime. And like, like, that's always,
wait it literally happened to me yesterday i got an email yesterday when i was on the phone with kai and i was like kai wait like i know you're like spilling your life story to me right now but let me tell you about this opportunity i just got and it was like someone wants to fly me and a companion out to istanbul to get hair transplant surgery and they were like i literally love you so much in your content like it's like the best doctor in the world and i was like
Wait, this sounds like kind of fun. And they were like, all we want in return is a vlog. And I was like, I was like me getting trafficked. Like, absolutely not. Like, that's the best scam to run is to email influencers and just traffic them. You can't fix that thing. Where is it? This one? No, it's...
Just leave it. It's good. It looks good. It looks good. Should I snip it off? I should snip it off. No, you shouldn't. You should just leave it. But yeah, literally actively getting trafficked. Like you fully would get tricked. You walk into Erewhon and you see any bottle and all the bottles you pick up in Erewhon look like cult leaders made them and you're like, you immediately believe them. Like you would be integrated into a cult so fast. We're going to get a defamation email from this guy being like, I do not want a cult.
Does that not look like some shit like they're back in your head? What I said they fucked me up. I said they fucked me up. I can't fix it.
It's okay. It'll grow back. Hair grows back. Vitamin mineral green. And it has an eagle on top of a mountain with a bursting sun. It's literally insane. And it says perfect companion to earth broth. Nourishing, foundational, hardcore. But this is how I would start my cult. I would do this. With someone else's product? No, with my own product. Oh. Yeah, just like Drew Moji's coming out. It was Drew Moji and there was like...
Vitamin drew or something. That's a miss Vita drew vitamin. I don't know. There's something there There's something there. You're literally reaching for thin air. There's nothing. There were so many like of the there were a lot of Drew's but like now we're like on camera and it's a little more difficult. Um, I knew I need to think of one before we move on What about um, what about drewish like jewish?
That's really fucking offensive. Sorry. He's allowed to, but like... Forget I said anything. I have to shit so bad right now. It's actually like insane. What is that? I don't know. I don't know. Kai, do another one. Do another one. I feel like you have another one. Drudism. Oh my God, Kai. Like, you can't just like change like religious words. Well, no, that's my cult. Ah!
That's what it is. See, Kai's all apart. Kai's down with the cult. So your cult name is just like a different name for Judaism? Druidism. Druidism is pretty good. That's giving. Yeah. Dude, you looked at us. Have I told them that I've been playing Fortnite?
Yeah. I talked about that? That's all you fucking talk about. It's literally all he talks about. Okay, well, have I told them that I'm actually fucking cracked and I'm turned the fuck up at Fortnite? No, have I told them that Drew literally was a fucking 10-year-old the other day and I woke up and he found a bag of gummies that Finn left in the house and at like 11 a.m. ate all of them, had an insane sugar rush, was playing Fortnite and screaming at his computer. Like, unbelievable.
- Like screaming at his computer. I have a video I'm gonna send to Kai. - I swear to fuck you. Okay. Did you see me just shit on those fucking children? - And then we went to go get like late lunch with Zomar and Mason and on the way there, he was fully dead in the worst mood ever.
And he was like, I don't know why I feel like this. I think I'm just hungry. But like, I usually I like intermittent fast like this all the time. So I don't know why I feel like this. And I was like, bro, all you had was probably like 300 grams of sugar today. It was literally the worst gummies ever. They were really fucking good. And I couldn't. It was the first time that like I've experienced in a very long time, like the lack of self-control because normally I can eat like one or two gummies and be good. But I held back.
He was literally picking his little fucking claw in there and fucking playing Fortnite and screaming at his computer. And then I went to go grab a gummy and the bag was belligerently empty. It was crazy. And it was all like the good flavors left for some reason. Like... Finn only ate lemon. It was so fucked up. It was... It was...
Jolly Rancher gummies. If you ever want to try them, don't because they are not paying us yet. They're not paying us yet. So do not buy it yet. Not yet. But if they come through and support us with the sponsorship, I'll let you know when to buy it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
But yeah, that's Drew's life. Also, I love from the very beginning on this fucking podcast, I've been like, Drew goes into his room and plays on his fucking computer all fucking day. And he always tries to debunk it out of like insecurity. He's like, I don't do that. I do other stuff on that computer. But if he's not playing Fortnite or Call of Drudy for like eight hours. For Drew Knight? Mmm. Drew Knight and Call of Drudy. For Drew. Dude, for Drew. For Drew.
But if I'm not doing that, like... He's watching the worst videos on YouTube. Like, I watched you maneuver your recommended and it was insane. You don't want to know what I watched last night. He clicks to the middle, like, watches for two seconds, goes back, refreshes, and does it again. Do you want to know what I watched last night? What? An hour and 45 minute documentary on Alpine lakes. And I'm not joking. That sounds...
Was it just made by a guy, though? No, it was like a proper documentary. Okay, no, I can't, I can't like, I really can't bag on you because you want to know what I fell asleep watching last night and it was really whack of me. What? It was also an hour long video, but it was restoration of a vintage electric oven. Those E's. Yeah. And it's silent. There's no commentary and they're cleaning off all the rust and unscrewing it. It's like... Cleaning the springs. ASMR. ASMR.
ASMR wing bot. That's toes curling. Okay. The wing bot makes the curls curl. Oh my God. The maker, I never replied to the email because I'm dumb, but like the maker of my wing bot reached out and I don't know how they knew. Someone else out there looked at that little thing and called it a wing bot because I've never said the make. Oh,
Or the brand or the model. And like Wingbot heard. Wingbot heard. And she was spot. Wingbot was the first responder. Wow. No, Wingbot is. So the crisis that is in is Cooter Bronson. Yeah, she literally is first responder. It cost $5,000 for her to pick you up. Literally. Cooter Bronson. God put her whole pussy into cilantro. That's all I have to say. Drew said that yesterday about a sunset and I said nothing to him.
Yesterday at Malibu, you were like, God put her whole pussy into this one. It's really fucked up. It just ruins the vibe. Me and Sabrina were having such a sweet, wholesome moment. And she was like, it was just so sweet. She was like, dude, this is just such a nice view. It was just a sweet moment. We were holding each other and looking off. And from the back of me, I just hear...
And it's Drew looking at a video of himself screaming. - Here, I'll play the audio. Y'all aren't getting the video. Hold on, where's the audio? It's zombie. - It literally was beautiful. It was silent. - Oh wait, no, this isn't it. Where is the zombie donut? - Oh my God. Saying that with no visual context, where's the zombie donut?
You're just playing. Where the fuck is the one that I'm looking for? You know which one I'm talking about. What the fuck? Oh, that was the sound. Dude, and me and Sabrina just like immediately looked back and he just was like, sorry. Well, I didn't mean to do it. I did not mean to do it. You didn't not mean to do it? I did not mean to do it. But yeah, it was a really beautiful moment. Malibu yesterday was the nicest I've ever experienced in Malibu. Why? Why?
The sound of that scream. Dude, I was lit. Dude, I'm not kidding. I was lit. I lost my voice. Monster Truck was so fucking fun. Like, never once did I really understand, like, sports enthusiasts. Like, I never understood the idea of, like, packing yourself into a stadium and watching something that was, like, pretty, like, mundane or whatever. And, like, Monster Trucks is definitely more, like,
For my little monkey brain, like... Car, car, car. Big car, big car, big car. Big car crash. Jump, jump, high, high, high. Yeah, like, it's definitely, like, just, like, caveman brain. So it's, like, not that crazy. Well, cavemen didn't have cars or wheels. So it's not caveman brain. What the fuck do you look at? The cabinet you left open? Yeah, it's literally... It's freaking me the fuck out. Thank you. But...
like life i was watching something and i without thinking about it would jump up like from excitement like i would jump up be like i'm like i'm really gonna lean heavy into like my southern texan like hick roots like i'm gonna become like i mean like look at me i'm already like almost i'm like i'm like look at me i'm almost there but like actually like
They just know how to have fun. Like, they know how to have fun. They know how to turn that damn brain off. And that's what I needed. Yeah. Brain off.
eyes open like we need to go shoot guns I was present in that moment in that moment I was literally present actually I was fully present I was not thinking about the future the past nothing I was in the moment I was begging for one of them cars to crash explode and kill 30 people drive into the audience I will say like obviously I'm glad this didn't happen and I don't actually want it to happen but like this is what happens when all I do is watch terrifying human tragedies is like I was like oh my god like
That car is going to explode. That car is going to crash. That car is going to crash into the sand we're sitting in. Obviously, that didn't happen because they like have hello safety precautions. And even if it did, I'm pretty sure we all like did a thing where we agreed that if we fucking die, like it's not their fault anyway. The monster truck was the equivalent to cruise ships, in my opinion, is like I was I said this like three times already, but I just think it's like so stupid because I
On like two episodes ago, I was talking about how like cruise ships are something that like you were supposed to do that. And like car accidents were something that like humans were supposed to see and be like, all right, let's make sure this doesn't fucking happen. But a few people saw car crashes and were like, what if we made these things bigger and so that they could crash and we got people to pay to watch it?
Like someone out there was like, I know exactly what to do with these things. Run them, run other cars over. It was literally the funniest thing ever. Like I can't, I can't believe it. Also, it's funny being in a stadium because they look small, but those things are fucking massive. They're massive. Like the wheels are two times as big as the people's.
there or driving them also it's just it's crazy because like you forget that there's literal human beings inside of these like cars flying 300 feet in the air and you're like wait what the fuck like i thought these were like rc cars but then they like get out and wave and like play to the audience get out and wave and they look like little ants on a like piece of like turkey meat like it's just like them crawling on top and then you have to look at the monitor to see what the
But it was freaking awesome. I want to drive a monster truck. I'm going to put monster truck wheels on my Ford Fusion.
It's gonna be like in Tyler's video when he had like monster truck wheels on his Rolls Royce. But imagine that, but on my small sedan. Your dinky Ford Fusion. God, I love the word dinky. It's like, it's my new word. You're a little dinky. It's like, I want that dinky little car. How come I don't get cute nicknames? That's a lie. I get Ernesto, Ernie. You get Ernie. Ernie, sir. I don't get cute nicknames. Yes. Doobie. Okay. Doobster. Doobster.
i've never ruby i've said dupester but like in not in like a serious way i'm like dupester like i've said it like that before word um i've given you ernie wantonabe because you like fashion that's what kanye said when he wrote that song for people for his fans exactly i gave y'all junior wantonabe because y'all like fashion like i did that for you um hello awkward my uh
Hair is starting to hurt a little bit. Why is it hurting? I don't know. Your hair shouldn't be hurting on your head. What do you mean?
It's just like dense. Yeah. She probably put like cement in there. It's going to brick over your head. I don't know how she got it to shine like this. It almost looks synthetic. Next time someone gets me mad, I'm literally going to be like, try to be like fake nice and be like, oh my God, like let me do a hair mask for you. Like it's really good and put cement in their hair. Imagine. Next time I like want to hurt someone's feelings, I'm going to be like, oh, like your wig looks really nice. Yeah.
No, you have to say that to, like, a man. Casey says it to Josh all the time. And, like, the fucked up thing is, it's like, like, Josh even admitted, like, sometimes his hair looks like a wig. And Casey's like, I'm going to rip that fucking wig off of your head. And, like, it's just crazy. Um...
This however not a wig. I don't know why people- No I never said it was it doesn't even look like a wig it looks really good People are asking in the comments who can feel it like that's not a that's not your hair. No, I got botched Wait, I literally I got flued out to Istanbul and this is what happened. They fucking plugged out every one of my hairs And replaced it with horsetail. With plastic. They replaced my hair with plastic
The way that I was like, wait, that's kind of a good idea. As if hella wigs aren't made of plastic. Well, no, like... Your hair's growing really fast as you sit here. Yeah, it's actually crazy. It's a problem.
Plastic hair plugs. You know how the hair transplants work? Instead of putting real hair, you put plastic hair that stays the same length forever. That sounds like it would literally deteriorate your pore and you would pass away from microplastics. I have microplastics in my balls. There's microplastics. Have you had your microplastics and oils for the day? My belly hurts. All I be into today are microplastics and oils. My belly hurts.
That's literally me. That's why my stomach always fucking hurts. Fuck, I was going to say something and I forgot. Oh my God.
I'm sure a lot of y'all have noticed we don't have many ads anymore and you're probably thinking, wow, oh my God, I feel so bad for them. They deserve ads. But we're doing our job. You're not doing your job. You need to fucking subscribe and engage with me or I will never do my job again. I like, I can't believe I miss reading ads. I like, I miss the taste.
I'm sitting here acting like I'm thinking like I do that all the time and I like when I like haven't added anything to the conversation in a long time I'm like oh I forgot what I was saying I was gonna say something I was gonna say that fuck I was gonna say something and then I'm like I'm like what was I gonna say oh what was I gonna say dude I
I was going to say something, but I literally just closed my eyes and looked here and immediately forgot why I closed my eyes. And I started feeling my like crease in my eyeball. And I was like, dude, I can't believe there's like eyeballs in here. Like that's literally where my brain was. I was like, I wonder if I could push my fingers into the crease of my eyeballs and get between there. Yeah, you definitely could, but you'd lose your eyes. I don't need them. I don't need them because I've seen everything I need to see.
Because I saw you. And then I was like, I never want to see anything like that ever again. Take my eyes. They took my eyes. Well, for me...
The killers. The killers took my eye. We were literally serving the killer. Why were we going through the hills? We were actually the killers. We were going through the hills and we swore we fucking saw the house from Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. And we went into this cul-de-sac and I just did a turn and then sat on the street while we tried to figure it out. And I was like, we look like murderers. We look like the killers. The entire time we felt like I was on killer mode. I am the killer. I killed the person.
What? What did you say? I didn't say anything. Oh, okay. I just wanted you to share because I got worried. Cut that. Yeah, he said he killed a person. I heard it because I have the headphones. On your birthday, you're going to prison? Y'all are next. Y'all are next. I'm not kidding. Y'all are next. It's just going to be me next time. I'm not kidding. Next episode is going to be me. It's going to be me on a boat in the middle of the ocean.
Nothing beats the fear of like waking up and genuinely being like concerned that you killed someone. I've had so many dreams. No, I've had so many dreams where... There's so many things that beat that. No. Because I've never experienced that. Dude, if you've ever had like a very realistic dream where you like committed a crime or like did something crazy and then you wake up and it like...
You know when you like, I'm trying to think. So say something bad happened to me today and I'm like really sad about it. It's like, okay, I just want to go to sleep and get it over with. But you know that the next day the worst feeling is going to be like when you wake up and you're like, that was real and that sad thing happened. And like, I'm still in this reality where it happened. Sometimes I have really- Me with my dead brother and grandpa and bug. The next morning after waking up, after finding out they were all dead was the harshest reality of my life. You paint it like it was a triple like-
The harshest reality of my life. I woke up the next morning and I didn't know what to do with myself. You played Fortnite. I popped onto Fortnite and Call of Duty and nothing was wrong. When you get onto me for playing video games, it's kind of fucked up because that's me repressing all of the scary thoughts. I'm not getting onto you. I'm just speaking a fact and you're reading it wrong.
Does it frustrate you a little bit when I'm playing my video games? Just a little bit? Literally not at all. Have you ever been like, bro, we have shit to do? No. Because if anything, I'm the one who avoids work heavier. And I'm like, bro, we have shit to do. I was supposed to turn something in this morning. You lied to me. Yeah. No, no, no. Okay. So there's two instances. So we had an early call time. We had to be on this set. No.
We had to be on this set. Like, no big deal. Don't worry about it. Like, it's top secret information. You'll probably hear about it within a week or something. But it's... Big things are coming. Big things are coming. We had to be on set. Like, ugh. Early call times. You're, like, going on and on and on. But...
There were two call times on the call sheet that we were sent. There was one at 1130 and one at noon. And I took the liberty of telling Inya that call time was at 11 because I knew if I said that we would have gotten there at noon.
Because Enya's late to everything. And I played a little mind game with you this morning. You know what's funny? Is the way you read being late is different from me. Because I read us being late together. Like late to the party like Kacey Musgraves. I can't. And you read it so foul. But my thing is it doesn't matter where I'm going. If I'm late and I'm with my bae, I'm good. And you read it in this very awful way. Late to the party with you.
Oh, who needs a cry when you're having just a party of two?
And then this morning, I took the liberty to... Kai was looking at us and he was contemplating his entire existence. He was like, these people, I work with these people. These don't look like people you trust the next two, three years of your career with. I saw it in his eyes. He was like, wait, I made a mistake. But this morning, I took the liberty to...
Put a little pep in your step to I attacked your pride. That's what I did. Yeah, I'm like, bitch, I'm gonna slap you in the fucking face. I attacked your pride and I and I'm sorry, I do apologize. But Inya at 950 something was still in bed and I walked into her room and I was like, girl, like, we're shooting at 1030 this morning. Like, we got to go. We got to get going.
And then she was like, I don't even have to, I don't have to do anything. All I have to do is put on clothes. And I was like, I mean, we're probably going to be shooting at 11, like no big deal. And I just knew it would get under her skin enough to put a little pep in her steps. So then she would be ready by 1030. So she could say, told you so. And she did not do any of that. And my plan was foiled. Also, 1030 hit, Kai wasn't at the door. Yeah, Kai was late. I was like, everyone is late. Kai is late.
That's the thing is Kai is late a lot and we put up with it. Kai, you're a late bloomer. You still haven't hit puberty yet too, right? Yeah, I've hit puberty. I have. That was a while ago. It was like 20 years ago. You knew when you said that. You were like, fuck. Fuck. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming.
Drew! But yeah, Drew Reddaw does need to come into my room, my fucking space of peace and tranquility. Your domicile. And look at me and go, it's 1015 when it was 955.
As if I like hadn't looked at my phone all morning. Like I just woke up and like sat there. Look, I have my ways of getting people to do things that I want because everybody in my life is a pawn and I use y'all as such. You shouldn't be admitting that to the public. Like they're going to like take it. And I will sacrifice you if I have to. Like I'm doing the podcast alone next week on a boat in the middle of the ocean. You would not survive on a boat in the middle of the ocean. You would have a freak out.
You'll see. You'd have a freak out or we'd see that you've posted like 80 memes in one day. The water turns black at night. The water turns black at night. No, yeah. Me stranded on the jet ski in the middle of the ocean. Still updating your meme account. You're like, no, he's still alive. Like, I swear. Like, this is y'all. Okay, scene. This is y'all talking to the police force. No, I swear. God. God shut that shit down immediately. God has smiled on me.
This is y'all talking to the police force the next day. Can I be one? He's alive, I swear. How do you know? Let me be me. No, I'm you. You're the officer. I know where you're going. You're the cop. You're the cop, bitch. You're the cop. Hello Kitty literally does say ACAB. I am not a cop. I'm the missing persons, like the head of the department of missing persons. That's who I am. And I'm you. I'm the
What? I'm HP... HPV, bitch. I'm a head of missing persons. You're giving HPV. Yeah, positive. Human papillomavirus. Okay, you start it off. No, no, I'll start it off. No, I swear, I swear, I swear he's alive.
We can't find his body. You guys gave us like the last location you saw him. We can't find the boat. We can't find the body. Like, I'm afraid he's gone. No, look, he's posted 63 memes on his meme account in the last four days. We have no way of verifying that's him. We have no way of verifying that's him. And scene. That's where it would end. We would just give up. It'd be like so true. That's what I would want to happen. I wouldn't want y'all to dwell on me.
I wouldn't want y'all to be worried about me if I was missing. Just like go on with your life. Like I probably wanted to disappear. I literally will go on with my life. People will be like, damn, she's like really moving on. And I replace you on the podcast immediately. I come back next week and it's just Josh sitting in the chair and we like keep going and say nothing about it.
Wow. I mean, you get the things you ask for when you have friends who love you. I'm like serious, though, about this death hoax thing. I want to see how far. No, this is asking for like really naughty shit. Yeah, because I'm like your fucking meemaw. Poor. Grandma Janita. Yeah, I was going to say Janita. Poor Janita is going to be like literally have a heart attack because she's going to be like true.
Dude, no. Actually, I just want to... I think we could get it. Okay, this is how I'm getting verified. Dude, there are a million other ways to get attention. You don't have... It doesn't have to be a dead post. This is how I'm getting verified on IG since they won't fucking verify me. IG, I'm going to blow up your server room if you don't verify me. Literally...
Wait, wait, wait. Before we get into it, what I'm going to do is I'm going to have all of you guys start a Death Hooks about me because part of the verification process is you need two articles written about you.
Oh, wait, no. This is bad because they can shut down my IG for being a dead person. Yeah, they're going to put the thing where it's like this is a memorial space. Do not do any of this. I'm still alive. Do not start a death hoax. But to get verified, you have to have two articles written about you. Why don't you do something good and then maybe someone will write something about you? No one gives a fuck about any of the good I do. So you're done being good. I'm done. It's me, the Joker. Joker! Joker!
He sounds like someone illegally made a game about Batman and they hired you to do the voice of the Joker. Joker! That was like Harley Quinn and Joker mix. Yeah, that's what I'm going for. It's like a... A new character? Yeah, it's like a thing that I've been working on. Demi Lovato tweets. No, just tweet. Once upon a time, Demi Lovato tweeted, I'm going to put this airline on blast. And it was on 9-11. Yeah, I know.
It's just like all the times like tweets just like get made out of like, this is why Twitter was like so bad because it was the one spot where it was like, it was, it was like, what's it called? Like favored to just say what was at the top of your mind. Like that's how like that app worked. And like, no one should be saying publicly everything that's at the top of their mind. And so many times, like it just like circles back and isn't good. Are you okay?
- True. - I'm looking at my subjects, the viewers. - Oh. - All of you. - It's not like, you don't have to go like this. They're not like in a stadium somewhere. - I control you. - Wait, we didn't talk about that also. One of the Monster Jam guys was so into being a public figure. - It was sick. - He literally was like,
I'm so happy you guys are here. Thank you guys for coming. And if you're excited, let me hear you scream. And he moved his hand like this and I cracked the fuck up because he literally felt like Michael Jackson in that moment. He was like, this stadium is going fucking crazy. And it was dead silent. You could hear the dirt crumble. Your left eye kind of looks a little swollen. It hurts really fucking bad. It looks like a little... Here, make sure big.
no i don't see it oh my god and y'all i'm sorry you just called me ugly no i didn't like okay it doesn't look like that as much but there was like a split second where it looked a little swollen and it like concerned me but you're fine holy shit y'all fuck you guys for letting me get this haircut i swear to god i asked him i was like i was like bro like
Should I just go short and just cut it off get the James Charles look that you know the infamous like James Charles mullet look that he has going on in TikTok and y'all were all like run it run that shit and they fucked me up. And it looks good no it looks good it looks really good. Does it actually? It's just you're not used to seeing yourself like that and you'll wake up tomorrow. Does it actually look good? Yes it does. Look at me in the eyes and tell me it looks good. It looks good. No into my eyes not through my eyes look at me in my eyes. It looks good. Yeah.
Kai, look at me in my eyes and tell me it looks good. Into my eyes. It looks good. It looks awesome. It's the best haircut I've ever seen in my life. Why are you pulling it? I like the pain. Dude, The Weeknd tweeting, let's go! Let's go!
And then literally Russia is actively invading Ukraine in that moment. And then his next tweet is, actually, guys, I'm so sorry. Like, I just saw the news because it was literally the night everything started. He's like, I just saw the news. Like, yeah, I didn't mean, like, let's go to Russia invading Ukraine. Like, dude, it just is so funny. Also, because, like, the tweet is still up. So, like, let's go.
go. He was saying let's go because he has like new music coming out. He had a single or something coming out the next day. And it's just, I just love like tweet mishaps where it's just like, there's got to be more. To the world. Yeah. There's got to be more to this life. You know what I'm saying? That's literally Aladdin. He has like a song about that.
And Aladdin. Aladdin was my favorite Disney movie. That shit sucks. No, Jasmine Sirs, Robin Williams, The Voice of the Genie. Beat, whack, next. Next Disney movie. Monsters, Inc. and Finding Nemo are coming to say hello. What?
sometimes i don't think you do that on purpose that was not on purpose where was that going you just shut me down and then took a moment of silence and said monsters akandibo are coming to visit like no i meant like they're coming to say hi like like has something to say threads where it was like eight
sneaky diss facts to like to girls who deserve it and it's like a picture like the two most random pictures ever and then it's a thread sunflowers um it's like uh euphoria job or whatever the the big comeback tweets drew tried to read a joke about euphoria the other day and it was like um euphoria this euphoria that like why don't euphoria job
No, it was a little. Why don't you start looking for your job? Yeah, that's what it was. And the way Drew read it was like, he was like, euphoria this, euphoria that. Why don't you go looking for your job?
And he was not doing it in a funny way. He literally could not read it. Yeah, let's make fun of me because I never learned how to read. Well, you're like 25. You should learn. Bitch, I'm six fucking teen. Today, I'm six fucking teen. Bitch. And I'm learning. I'm going to fucking get in my car for the first time and run your ass over. You're going to be my first victim. That's the thing. When I get my license, it's over. I'm taking souls. I'm going to run people over.
I don't care. That's the thing about me. Drew, you're not 16. You're not 16. You're like, you're just not. You're 24. Today you were 24. No, I'm serious. We're cutting that out. We're not saying that. We're not saying that. You're not 16. You're just, you're an adult. You're a grown ass adult and you've been an adult for a very long time. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
Look at me. You look 16 years if you've been in prison for 16 years. I'm giving 16. You've been incarcerated for 16 years. I'm looking giving virgin suicides recently. Like in a youthful way? Yeah. You do look like the, what's his name? The main guy from Virgin Suicides. I don't know. The one who smokes weed and bones.
That sounds like me, though. That does sound a lot like me. That does sound like you. But you're 16. You haven't smoked weed yet. I smoke weed. What? I toke. I toke. That's not legal, and I'm actually going to have to tell somebody. Snitch. I get on the golf cart, get a blowtorch, roll up a little blunt, and I smoke that shit on the golf course. And then you drive back inebriated? Yeah. And then I'll take a couple shots when I get home.
to put you to sleep or like to get this to just balance me out i'm so stressed i'm growing up yo turning 16 really like um it like opened me up to the world like in all the evils yeah around you started you started to finally realize why your parents are so stressed yeah it's because i just realized that like we're just all humans you know like
And like our parents, like they don't know what the fuck is going on ever. Yeah. No one in all the adults in your life. They're so lost. And the thing is, we're all lost. We're all lost souls. And we're just like, we're like this small, like, like literally like look between my fingers. Like you can't even see the space between that because that's how small. Did you know if you no matter how hard you press your fingers together, they're never actually touching. There's always a micro space in between it. And that's that's the truth with literally everything.
You can't actually touch something with... So I'm actually technically a virgin.
I mean, yes. By that, I'm a virgin. Guys, I hope I lose my virginity this year. I'm a born again virgin. You're only 16. You are probably just a virgin. I was a total slag. A total fucking slag. I was a total slag in middle school. Dude, the way your face moves when you do that is like really fucked up. It's all in the like micro movements. It's like, it's like.
You know what I'm saying? Like when I'm an actress. I'm looking at you and I like can't believe you're a human. Like your body radiates heat. You're like alive. Yeah, that's the truth. I look at you sometimes and I think the same thing. And I have to look away. I'm like, okay, this is getting too real. I know, I like can't break contact for me right now and it's freaking me out. I see you. You know what I'm saying? Like I see you.
Girl, it's still the year of realizing things. It's still the year of realizing things. It's been the year of realizing things since 2016. Damn. We haven't had another 2016 yet. Fuck, it's been the year of realizing things since I was like, what, like 10 years old? Wait, when was I born? What year? Why don't you know your birth year? Oh, 96. 97. Because I was high as fuck. When you were born? No, like 9, 10, 11. Oh, so you just started forgetting things at a rapid rate? No, actually, what year was I born in?
Why are you looking up what year you were born? Today's literally your birthday. Fuck, okay. 4-26-2000... 2006? No. 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17. Oh yeah, 2006. Kai, can you fact check that? 2006, yeah. Yeah, damn. 06, baby. Okay.
Damn, 16-year-olds are fucking... Babies from 06. Are 16? What did you just say? Because I thought you were going to say a sentence and I tried to help you finish it. No, you did. You finished my thought. But why did you elongate the sentence by saying are 16? Okay, that's it. That's it. No, girl, we haven't even been on for 30 minutes. Don't fucking green me out like that. If we've been talking for only like 20 minutes, I would actually pass away.
Kai. Don't throw up. Go to the fucking bathroom. Kai, how long have we been on? 55 minutes. Ew. Fair. Damn, so we started right at 11? Yeah. Oh my god, it's 11-11, make a wish. It's literally 11-55. No, it's 11-11. You are actually fucking freaking out.
Don't believe me. One day I'm going to say something so serious and no one's going to believe me. It's going to be too late. It's going to be way too late. What are you insinuating? I don't know. I'm insinuating that you should start believing in me. That's me every fucking day to both of y'all. You're a fucking chronological liar and you're going to hell. Chronological liar? Dude, as I said it, I was like, this is the wrong word and they're going to say something. A chronological liar. So I lie in order. Okay.
I lie in order to get my way. You lie in order to survive, so. See, if y'all actually had sympathy for me in my little white lies, like, you would be able to read beneath the surface and see that I have to lie based off childhood traumas. Oh, see, now you're abusing me. Sure. Yeah, go ahead. I have to lie. No, go ahead. Keep pushing me. You have no idea how close I am to the edge. Keep pushing me.
It's like that one meme where it's like, keep digging. Keep digging, hit the diamond. If you stop... The way you just moved your arms. You know what I'm referencing? Are you talking about Minecraft? What the fuck are you talking about? I have no idea. Oh, wait. Yeah. It's like if you stop digging. Yeah. But it's the complete opposite if you're cave diving. This is just a little... Oh, are you saying when you're digging for diamonds, just when you think you're not about to hit something? There's one right on the other side. So just keep going. But if you're in a cave... And if you're
Do not keep going. You should not keep going because it could get very dangerous. Motherfucker, you're stealing my thing. What? I didn't know that was the cave diving thing you were going to say. There's so many. I just thought there were so many facts and I didn't know that. It's just, no. If you're cave diving and you feel like you're going the wrong way. You have to turn around unless you have a rope with you because it's very hard to get back the other way. Not a rope. No. It's just turn around, go back to where you came from and get out of that fucking cave. Yeah.
Get out of my fucking cave. Literally you when you hang out with my parents this week. Get out of my cave. Go back to where you came from. It's me referencing. It's a reference to America. My songs of this week. I think I've said literally half of these already and I don't care. The first one is The Room of Ancillary Dreams by Harold Budd.
Doesn't really matter. Janet Jackson, but it has to be the Nutty Professor version with that cover. And then I Would Die For You, Prince, and King Florence and the Machine. I think I've said literally all of those already, but I literally don't care. I Would Die For You by Prince is literally one of the best songs on planet Earth. What were you doing? Absolutely nothing. Okay, my song is Camino del Sol by Antenna. Outside featuring Young Thug, Yeet. Yeet.
The new Yeet album. Yup. And Party featuring Andre 3000, Beyonce. And also, for extra credit work, go listen to Beyonce's Coachella album.
That shit is so fucking good. I'm not joking. May be one of the best live performances of our lifetime. Beyonce's low-key underrated as fuck. No, the way that when you say that as a joke, I genuinely believe that. I genuinely think that now only because it's getting to the point where our stars aren't the girl stars now.
The girls have Doja Cat and Dua Lipa now, so they've moved on. And our generation had Beyonce, Rihanna, Nicki. There was someone else who was at the top of my head. Oh, Lady Gert-Gert. Lady Gert-Gert. Yeah, they'll forever be relevant, but they just won't be...
What they were to us to them. Yeah. It's not like they were... Gen Z... We were watching their videos on MTV. Emergency... Wait, listen to this. You're gonna say... Emergency intercom should start its own country. And we should all move to our own country. That's illegal. Like, that's actually, like, not legal. Like, you can't... Like, we cannot do that. We could have, like, um... The Squirt Squad City Town Center...
The Cream Team The Cream Team Temple See it's happening It's like skater vibes We put railing on every stairs We have like skater vibes And no of the little bumps to stop you And um Like Sunflower Town And that song's always playing In the circle In Sunflower Circle We should start Emergency Intercom Minecraft Server
I'm actually so down. It was fun as fuck. I just need someone to run it because I don't know how to do any of that shit. Do we have any movies? I haven't seen anything, I don't think. I've been watching so much Futurama. That show is a classic.
like a literal class i refuse to watch it because of how much i watched it as a kid like i'm not kidding you i didn't watch like i rarely watched family guy or like even south park or anything it was futurama and that is where i thought it was okay to pick up the very toxic trait of always talking about killing myself from fucking bender is i'm i'm genuinely like so sure that's where it came from because interesting i watched that so much in my youth that i thought um claiming my own death and suicide was the funniest thing ever i was like you know what i
will do it it is like actually the funniest thing ever but i've been watching so much and it it holds up can you turn off this camera and just make out i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry keep going no i'm sorry i like i actually cut you off like about futurama no i'm used to being like talked over you actually can't say that because motherfuckers swear i do that
In the group in general, like Kai talks over me. No, I don't. I'm just, I just haven't been heard recently. Like I haven't been like, like people haven't been hearing me and what I have to give. If someone could just make a compilations of all the times I gave Drew the floor to say something and the things he decided to say to me. I just feel I'm just cut off. I'm not referencing. Actually, I'm cutting you off because you're hella toxic for me and I'm cutting you off.
Like, I am cutting you. I'm cutting you like James Charles cut that ribbon at the Morphe opening in 2017. I'm about to serenade. I'm cutting you like James Charles cut his pubes and gave himself razor burn. The bumps. I don't know. I don't know if I'm allowed to say that. All right. Yeah, that's it. I really don't think I have a... Oh, my God. We're getting demonetized. There goes your fucking chat. That's coming off of your chat. Oh, my God.
Did we watch any movies? No, I'm really- I just watched that Alpine Lakes documentary. There's literally icebergs in lakes in the Swiss Alps. It's so random. And then there's this scene where these newts come out, and I fucking love newts. I think they're my new little pet obsessions. Also, I really badly want a coral reef, and I think I'm going to get into rare succulents. That's just all me. That's all media. Rare succulents sound like a vibe.
I plan on doing nothing and taking a vow of silence and next week I'm not saying anything. Girl, you're not going to be there next week. Yes, I am. Oh, because you're going to kill me? No, no, no, no. It's just going to be... Oh, well, maybe. We'll see. Yeah, because why are you going to... I thought the whole thing was you're going to be on the boat because you killed us.
I'm going to be escaping. We still have not watched Being John Malkovich. Yeah, we lied. Listen, we just teach you that in life you can't expect anything from anybody. Because you can't trust other people. Just cut yourself off. Block yourself off. Trust nobody. Oh my god. Oh, I'm so excited for Summer. Oh, fuck you guys. I'm done. I'm like actually done. No, I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. Seriously, this shit's like over. Thank you for watching. You guys are awesome. You're so awesome.
You're all stars to my heart. Okay, you heard that. You heard that. You just said absolutely nothing to the rhythm of like Willy Wonka song. And you'll see. The pure imagination.
Stop. You're actually not allowed. Bye!
