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Welcome back.
To... Emergency intercom. I was going to say to a new episode of Emergency Intercom. Oh, and I wasn't going to let you. I was not going to let you say, welcome back to this episode. You weren't going to let me say what I want to say. No, because as a man, that's my place on this earth is to not let women speak at all. You know, usually I would argue with you, but like I can appreciate the fact that like five seconds in, you were just like speaking your truth and you're letting it be known what you believe in. Thank you. Thank you.
Actually, thank you. I know. As a woman... As a woman, that's your place to thank me. Yeah. And as a woman, I just believe that men should speak over me. And I just... I don't believe in... You know what? I'm done. You're done talking? Cool. Okay. Well, let's jump right into this episode. My first topic is...
of discussion that i wanted to bring up is we need to bring back manly men i thought you were gonna say what you walked into my room and said yesterday um oh fuck oh i literally forgot about that um let me not chew gum into the mic i feel like i've done that before but when i do it it's like sweet because it's like oh my my little mouth at work you feel me
That is disgusting. It fell into the dust pile. It's like literally just dust gum now. Where did it go? No, it's like right here. It's between... No, it fell. Now it's dust gum. Sorry, we're playing with Drew's chewed up gum right now. Anything's possible on this podcast. Anything is really possible. Oh my God. I like... Okay, so... One day I'm going to come... I was about to say I'm going to come to set with a weapon.
I wanted to come to set with a bomb, but one time somebody was like, not them calling their kitchen a set. It is a set. We had to move our dining room table. We set it up every day. We have sacrificed having a cute corner of the kitchen for this. We very well could make this a pleasing thing to look at, but if I'm being honest...
I think we're giving y'all what you deserve visually. Do y'all want us to upgrade the visuals? Is that something you'd like? Or is this kind of a vibe? I have a feeling if we upgraded, people would be like, I miss the old set. Yeah, me too. I miss the old set. Yeah, I actually do. Um...
okay what did i walk into your room and say this fucking idiot came into my room like i'm working hard as fuck cleaning my closet like taking on a task i've been thinking about forever i'm finally home like i'm like okay it's time to like settle back in and drew just comes into my room and interrupts me mid-thought first of all i was in my closet putting things away and he just peeks his head around and then i was like why'd you do that he goes oh to make sure you weren't naked it's like
if I was naked you fully and I was like being weird and secretive about it for some reason like I didn't want you to catch me peeking but like I should have just announced my presence but I like peeked over the door and you're like why did you do that and you're like oh I just want to make sure you weren't naked and it didn't cross my mind as weird until this very moment like I had not given it a second thought um and then he was like I think I finally like I I know what I'm gonna talk about on the next episode and like I need to just like
I need to dispel like everything. And I was like, what are you talking about? And then he just says he needs to talk about Kanye West and like set everything straight publicly. And that's where I stopped him because I was like, whatever the fuck you're going to say, at least say it on camera so I can roll my eyes at you. It will change the way you think.
about everything forever. Like it might change the trajectory of the world. Though, like what am I about to say? Is this the big thing or no, this isn't even the big thing? No, this isn't even the big thing.
Okay. This is just... The big thing coming is the next performer at the Super Bowl is going to die. That's the big thing coming. I'm predicting it now. That's what's going to happen. You're like one of those tweet accounts that just says any single possibility on planet Earth so that someone can clip it at some point. I'm an AI-generated bot, and it's just constantly spewing big things that are bound to happen eventually. Yeah, so that people can be like...
No one listened to it. Time Traveler is Drew a Time Traveler? Yes. But yeah, I just... We've already talked about it, though, is the thing. It is like we got into a conversation about it naturally yesterday. But I was like, I think Kanye West is a marketing genius. And every single time he's about to drop an album...
He gets into the biggest controversy of his life. And it's been the last three, maybe even four album cycles where he goes... The last three were on Twitter, where he goes on those Twitter rampages and everybody's like, he needs to be on medicine, like Medicaid Kanye, like come on, get back on your medicine. He likes to stir the pot. He likes to stir the pot right when he's about to drop an album. And
I fall for it every time and then I like catch myself and I'm like, oh my god, like he's just, cause then I saw he's like 2-2, 2-22-22, Donda 2 is coming out. Like, of fucking course he's getting in all this drama right now because he has an album to promote.
Every time stuff like this happens, I do like to know and take pride in the fact that I don't like... This is publicly talking about it. We're feeding into it. But I had a take that I said to a friend and they were like, you gotta post that. And I was like, no. Because I cannot be another screenshotting a screenshot that's getting capsized and fucking thrown around on IG stories. Also, there's a gnat that I keep
catching and I like... It's those damn dishes. I don't... Okay. Okay. Oh, sue me. It's those damn dishes. Oh, take me to court. Oh, sue me, sue me, lock me up. I threw away our sponge. Fun fact, our sponge was fucking disgusting. Like, our sponge probably had black mold in it and we've been washing dishes with it for like four months. I literally...
I think the lack of black mold in the air is making me anxious because something switched recently in the past week and I'm scared of everything. So at first you didn't like the black mold because you thought it was making you anxious. I think it was just dumbing me down. I think it was like turning my brain off to like a point where like... And now you think you need black mold to like reignite your senses. Yes, I need the spores back into my lungs because...
I need to be dumbed down. I need to like be back living present, not thinking into the future. I need that. I was talking to Kai about this. I literally also I didn't even finish the anyway. I threw away our dish soap sponge, whatever the fuck, because I was like, oh, I'm just going to buy a new one. But I'm one of those people who I'm like, yeah, I'm going to do this. I'm going to get this thing and I need to get it. And like weeks go by and it doesn't happen. So now four days have passed where I just keep piling up dishes because I'm like,
fuck, I don't have a sponge to wash this shit with. And I've been reusing my coffee cup and like it has weird grooves that hurt. But when I put my hand in it and like wash around with my hand, it literally is like jabbing against the walls of the cup and it hurts. I've used this mason jar for two weeks now without washing it. You also told me that you've been using a reusable face mask for like months.
And that is fucking disgusting. Oh, my COVID mask? Yeah.
I don't give a shit. Like, take them fucking muzzle off. Get the muzzle off of me. I'll obey, but I'm not going to do it. Okay, you did point this out that the new Batman, like, ads are literally anti-mask propaganda. It says unmask at the top corner of every Batman. And that movie's dropping on my birthday. Are they saying on my birthday they're going to lift the mask mandate? No, on your birthday, we will unveil the mask. Like, we will take it off. Like, I will unveil myself of the mask. Okay.
Guys, we're kidding. We're kidding. We're kidding. YouTube. YouTube, we're kidding. Yeah, no, YouTube. We're joking. This is a fucking joke. We got a video taken down and they reinstated it like a month later. And it was just up. And they were like, yeah, sorry, we did. Our robots did make a mistake. Okay. Well, you are actively fucking with my money. Actively fucking with my bread. Yes.
Dude, what were you saying right before this, Kai? Kanye West drama. Kanye West drama. You said something about me. You were like, oh, I was talking to Kai about this. Oh, yeah. Oh, I was talking to Kai about how I have monkey brain. That just showed it because I don't believe in thinking. Girl, that's just unmedicated ADD. No, it's not. Like, it's.
No, it's not. It's like I could just forget things immediately and move on and live life in the moment. And in the moment, I can enjoy life because it's just off. It's like, oh, you have a task to do. No, you don't. Keep going. Yes, that's my vibe too. Sorry, I'm looking out our window and thinking about everything but this moment. It's crazy. It's actually crazy. It's crazy how quickly my brain can just shut off whatever I'm fucking doing and
What is it? Think, overthink. I mean, I do that too, but like, am I the only one who like I lay in my bed at night to go to sleep and my brain is just like swamped with things and I just like stay up all night and I feel like that one picture of Bart Simpson up at 4 a.m. That's true. Like at the edge of his bed, just like thinking. Okay. I do have this idea and I know you're going to say like, shut the fuck up. It's stupid, but it's a genuine idea.
don't slow blink at me i just okay so at night like right like i'm sorry i know it's gonna sound okay um i just feel like i can't speak my mind because i've been shut down so much so at night we should let me i wrote it down because i was like okay this is actually kind of a good idea so let me just read it verbatim um okay okay um
We should do this thing at night, I don't have a name for it yet, where we close our eyes and our mind and body shuts off and shuts down for like eight hours and we like rejuvenate and our brain can even fill with spinal fluid and wash out all the junk from the day before. You're actually going to break me. I'm going to start crying. You are the worst person on earth. Why? Why?
Why? Sleep. It's called fucking sleep. What is that? So annoying because for a fucking second, I was like, you know what? I feel bad. I feel so mean that Drew feels like he can't just like say certain things. I knew it. I knew it. And it's, you always do this. You're like, you're a fucking evil man. No, I'm just an actor. I'm just an actor. I can turn it on anytime I want. And that's all I do. I act.
I think you should get a lobotomy. Do you know what that is? Yes. You should try one. I bet there's a doctor out there that if you post it on IG, they'll do it for free. Literally, free lobotomy services if you tweet it out. If you tweet it out before you get it. Yeah. I hate that you got me with that. And like it fucking destroyed my... Train of thought. My train of thought. But I do want to bring up something that I was thinking about.
Because I know a lot of you know we dabble in plane crash and lightning storms and hurricane videos. All the bad stuff that we probably shouldn't consume, we do. We consume it because we're only human. Yeah. Because I'm only human. Has anybody ever done that? Are you hearing this fucking remix I'm making? Because I'm only human.
Wait, that's a nightcore remix. Wait, we should start a festival where it's acapella EDM. Acapella EDM remixes are just like the worst songs. What's the... You know what needs... You know what needs... I've been thinking about this a lot.
Why is it, why are people not tired of hearing paper planes by MIA?
In the club. Granted, that is a fantastic fucking song. But literally, anytime I'm in a club environment, that fucking song plays and everybody loses their goddamn mind. You know what it is? It's because at this point, it's not in rotation. Like, it's not in, like, the average person's playlist rotation. So it always feels off guard. Yeah. Like, it always is like, oh my God, like, I can't believe this is playing right now. I just saw someone's story and it was pointless.
laying in their story and I was like come on do you need help no I don't because that'll tickle and then you know what I'll make them bleed oh um
But yeah, I was watching some of the stories and it was at like a club and Paper Planes played and I was like, I don't think there's been like a single moment in my life where I've gone out and haven't heard that song. Again, fantastic song. M.I.A. is probably top 10 musician of our generation, period. Like easily like revolutionized everything.
See, I could talk about it for hours, but I'm not going to subject you to it. You're just that kind of girl. You like that kind of stuff. Yeah, I'm different. But yeah, it just freaked me out. It freaked me out. Because then I was like, there's so many songs that are played over. Like the song that you were like, what's the song that white people like? And Kai was like, Mr. Brightside. Dude, that song? Dude, wait. Can you sing that? No, that's... How does that song sound? Mr. Blue Sky.
Is it Mr. Brightside or Mr. Blue Scott? No, I'm thinking of orchestra. Yeah, what is... How does that sound, Mr. Brightside? It's like... They're doing just fine. Gotta, gotta get twisted. Yeah, I was thinking of the Mr. Brightside.
That's a different song. Gotta get twisted and I'm losing my mind. No, there's also another song that like David Dobrik uses a lot in his videos. And that is like another song where I'm like, I associate this with like a room full of white people who like cannot believe this shit is playing. But I cannot fucking think of it. It's such a like. It's probably ABBA. Anything ABBA. No, it's not Dancing Queen. It's not Dancing Queen. Da da da da.
That's Neil Diamond. Yes, that is it. That is it. Wait, what's the lyrics of that song? Neil Diamond. I think it's Neil...
Oh, yes. Sweet Caroline. Is that Neil Diamond? Dude, when that comes on in a club in LA, like, I wish, I need to put a GoPro on my head, go into a club, orchestrate for that to play, and then go back to Miami and play that in a club in Miami. And watch the difference. And just watch the difference of, like, people being like, why is this shit playing right now? Like, why is this on? Fun fact about Neil Diamond is my mamaw was on.
obsessed with Neil Diamond is obsessed with Neil Diamond and like I think if she could have been a Neil Diamond groupie actually I don't know enough about her she might have been a Neil Diamond groupie and I'm not just saying that like I'm gonna get fact-checked by my mother and I'll report back to y'all next week but she is obsessed with Neil Diamond and that's that she had a cat named Neil Diamond and
That's a long cat name. I think it just recently died. Or maybe it's still alive and it's on its deathbed. But my grandma also... My granddad and grandma, like... They took care of, like, the neighborhood raccoons. And they, like, would just put out piles and piles of cat food in their backyard. And they would attract the raccoons. This is exactly what Peepaw and Meemaw would be doing. You saying my...
Granddad and mamaw. Mamaw and granddad. My mamaw takes care of raccoons. Yeah, she does. And I think she let them in her house recently. That's honestly beautiful. She let them in her house recently. But yeah.
I have a I have a bunch of photos with like raccoons as a baby like just like feeding them out of my hands oh that's fucking awesome I don't have actually not a bunch probably like three or four there is like an insane difference between LA and Miami that I always think about every time I go back to Miami is like I feel like you notice that the amount of stray cats in Miami is like insane versus like LA I just feel like I don't see them as much maybe because they get
fucking tore up by coyotes. But no, but even in like Koreatown and stuff, like there aren't coyotes like in that area. And I just don't see cats like that. We need more stray cats. Like, am I the only one who feels like that? Yeah, I agree.
But to go back to what I was literally trying to say, like probably five topics ago is something I've been thinking about is I genuinely believe humans were not meant to get this far. Like, like something went wrong. Like we are just so bad at reading signs of evolution and when to stop. Like there's just so much danger in front of us. Like even on like a, like normal, everybody's like, like,
Like, sense. But just as a whole, we are so bad at it because I, like, kind of told you this thought. We've gone too far. We've actually... Absolutely, I fully agree. As humans, we've gone too far. We've gone too far and there's, like, almost, like, too much to partake in. Like, there's, like, too many things for you to be doing at once because I...
The reason I brought up the cruise ship or the plane crashes and stuff is because I randomly got recommended a real-time syncing video of the Titanic. And you know I had to click that. You know I had to click that. It was in my recommended too, but I opted for... You know I had to waste three hours of my night watching that shit. You watched all three hours of it? I was skimming through it because like...
There were moments because it was like in real time, like saying what was happening. So like probably in the moments of just like pure hysteria and panic, like there was no reporting happening on the ship because everybody was like freaking out. That movie was one of the first movies that made me horny as fuck. Like that movie. Yeah, that movie was the first movie that made me had to pee my little pants. Like I was like, damn, I am about to piss all over the sofa right now. No, no, no.
No way. That, like, the... Why? No, why were they boning in the car? We're on the boat. Why are you boning in the car? Wait, what? Isn't there a car on the ship that they bone in? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And as a kid, I was like, I need that. Me at eight, I'm like, I need. Need. Need. I see Leonardo DiCaprio, I'm like, need. Need. But...
What the fuck was I saying other than being horny? Oh, but yeah, I like whatever. I was like watching that. The real event where like thousands of people died. Yeah, not the fun movie. Not the horny one. Not the horny movie.
I was watching that and like, whatever. I finished it. Like, I was about to fall asleep and I was like, I should put my phone down and go to sleep resting on like watching this like terrific accident. But I'm going to keep ingesting. Oh, I said terrific. Well, don't make terrifying. This celebration. This beautiful party. This sacrifice. This IG post worthy party. But yeah.
How long ago was that? It was probably like... It was literally in 18-fucking-42 or some shit. Oh, okay. That's a lie. It was probably in, I think it was like 1912. 1920 or some shit. Let's find out. When did the Titanic sink? Like, are people still alive? There's no way, right? No, because I looked it up because I was like, I need to hear one of these bitches talk right now. And it literally happened in like butt-fuck forever ago. And I was like, there's no way anybody's lived. The Titanic. Oh, it only happened in 1997. Oh, what the fuck? No, not 19.
So the movie was a documentary? The movie was just happening in real time. Wait. Like, it was just like a couple of friends got together and went on a cruise and wanted to like film each other and make a vlog. Guy who thinks the movie Titanic is just a vlog of Titanic.
Wait, so you're telling me that didn't happen? No, it did. All of it happened, but they didn't know they were going to get it on video. And that's why it's three hours long, because it's like, how could you cut? It was the newest jackass movie. They sung, today we're going to crash this fucking cruise ship into an iceberg. Um...
Yeah, it happened in 1912. But yeah, so I was watching that. And then like I was watching all these videos about like cruise ships and like things that go wrong and like blah, blah, blah. Like as time has gone on, there's so many precautions that it's like rare. Obviously, it's like with flight. It's like more as time goes on, it's more and more rare for it to happen. Yeah. But I was thinking about it. I was like, humans are so funny for choosing this like as like.
like a thing that you spend a lot of money to partake in because the way of evolution of travel like i don't know if i have this out of order i might be wrong in terms of like my thought of this evolution but like okay when we started like whatever when humans were starting out they were like fuck walking is hard as fuck running is like not viable okay cool we can get on these horses and we can like travel around should have stopped there we should have never gotten the fucking horse we should have sat
down boned and died I get the connection like horse girls have to horses because like after riding a couple horses in my life like they're alive in there like they're really and like also they're alive in there they also like ushered in just humanity they like helped us and like we grew together like we're just like
A little duo. Horses and humans. Well, now they're so fucking irrelevant to our life. It's actually sad. Yeah, it is really sad. The only connection I had to horses is at the park I went to. There was like a horse like riding thing as a kid. And every time we had to walk by, I'm like, oh my God, it's going to smell like shit.
And that's my only connection in memory to horses. Horses are awesome. And then I rode a horse in Honduras. I would like to do something like that again. Like go to like Costa Rica or something. Go to Missouri. Actually, I do. I am going to Missouri this summer. Like without a doubt. Anyways, anyways, anyways. So yeah, that's... But that's for our world tour when we go to Missouri. So like evolution, whatever. We have horses and we're like, okay, this like...
isn't viable if we want to cross water like horses can't fucking swim like that like we need to figure something out and they're like okay yeah boats but then obviously there was like plagues and like insane like mass deaths and fucking like pirates and like it was vitamin c deficiency yeah literally it was just like
Insane. And humans were like, okay, fuck. We have to figure out another way to cross this like big thing of water because so many people die on this travel. So then we had planes and then we had cars and like whatever. That's not the right order. Oh, I just thought about like how recently the world is like hyper connected. Like we can just go across the world and that's like a new thing. No, you can get on your iPhone and plan a whole like trip to the other side of the world right now. And that's like new. Yeah. Yeah.
When we were younger, you even had to go into travel agencies. Like what is, how old is like commercial travel? I'm going to say probably since 1912, since the Titanic. I'm kidding. Um,
But basically what I'm saying is like the fact that we we we evolutionized past having to be on boats. Everyone made the decision that like, OK, boats traveling that far is not good. Like, we don't like that. But one of those motherfuckers was like, OK, wait, but if we put a bar, a pool, a strip club, a slip and slide on this damn boat.
pay thousands of dollars to get on it yep if you put a bed a slip and slide and some tequila on that boat i'm getting have you been on a cruise no but cruises scare me also i don't come from cruise money it is kind of awesome cruises are kind of awesome have you been on one i remember that oh i only knew one kid growing up who had been on a cruise and she was like the girl my whole life
I doubt there was that big of a financial difference between us growing up, but because she had done things like get on a cruise and her godmom drove a Toyota Camry from 2011 in 2013, I was like, I want to be you so fucking bad. I was like, she's living. Yeah. I went on a cruise, a Disney cruise to Disney Island. What the fuck is Disney Island? I don't think it's Disney Island. Soon there's going to be Amazon Island. There's literally going to be Jeff Bezos Island. Girl,
Listen to this. Okay. I'm airing my own shit out right now, but let me get the number real quick. Speaking of Jeff Bezos, let's move on to Elon Musk. Did you know that Jeff Bezos was actually Latin? His last name means... Bezos? Yeah, it means kiss. Jeff Kiss? Jeff Kisses? That's actually really cute. Yeah. Um...
15 of the 23 monkeys that Elon Musk put the Neuralink in died. They're dead. How I feel? Yeah, um...
That devastated me, honestly. I was like, damn. So now you're not getting the Neuralink. No, I'm going to get it when it drops, but it's not as near as I thought it was going to be. Can we talk about how Elon Musk literally kind of actually sucks? He hasn't done really anything. He is the ultimate scammer. All he's done is pollute the fucking atmosphere. He got a few things done and people were just like, this man is going to change the world. This y'all's Tony Stark. This y'all's Iron Man.
I've literally never seen Elon Musk being held captive and make a new heart, though. I can recognize...
The Elon Musk hate and I do hate the man, but I still want that goddamn Neuralink. Real recognizes real and that's how you are with Elon Musk. Yeah, real. I'm real and I recognize it when I see it. Put that guy, Elon Musk, please put the Neuralink in my brain. I am literally putting myself on a platter. Like you can kill me. I don't care. I won't sue you. My family won't sue you. Please put it in me and see what happens. So two things. I broke my New Year's resolution. What was that?
to vape and i've i've quit have you seen me with a vape in my hand since mexico mexico yes i did fucking see you with a vape in your hand in mexico no since mexico okay also i'm gonna air you out we i was driving us back from tepolozan where we filmed the last episode and we were driving back and like everyone fell asleep except jester and like me and jester were just like chatting it up and then i'm like
what the fuck is that smell? Because it started smelling like the most artificial, like, lead-infused scent I've ever smelled in my goddamn life. And I was like, what the fuck is that scent? What is that smell? And Jester was like, I don't know. And then Jester was like, I think it might be the vape. Like, it might be the puff. And I was like, no, the fuck it's not. I'm like, it...
what like what's happening and i'm driving in the pitch dark so i can't look back and then drew wakes up like moaning and growing i'm pissed i'm livid okay i fell asleep like this and you describe it for the list or non-visual okay i fall asleep
between knees bent down like he's prepping for a plane crash. And I have the puff bar in my hand. Which is disgusting. Like, why is that a comfort? It's like my little passy. It's my little passy. I gotta fall asleep with it. It's like, I always have to have it on deck like in the
emergency that I need to hit it again. So I fell asleep with it in my hands and I guess like my body heat or like there was like maybe like suction somewhere in there because I was like folded over like a fucking lawn chair that like it was just constantly ripping and leaking and spraying juice all over my body and I woke up so
so fucking angry because I'm not joking my entire body was covered in vape juice like my hands my legs my face even had it on it because I fell asleep with it next to my face also what's like comical about it like to me was we were in the middle of the mountain so it was there was no shoulder to pull over on or like anything but I just hear Drew being like can we pull
over and I was like we literally can't I'm going like 70 miles an hour down a fucking mountain right now like it was so awful and then like me and Kai switched seats because I was in the middle seat that's what y'all get for putting me in the fucking middle seat I didn't put you anywhere and he like held the water bottle out of the window and I like washed my hands and it was spraying all over my hands and all over my body and I was not only did it not work but I was soaking wet because all the water sprayed inside off of me I'll never forget how miserably
I actually wanted to die. I actually, like, in that moment, I would have embraced death fully. And then also, like, the nearest gas station was just as far. It was further away from the Airbnb. I was begging. I was like, please, can we go to the gas station? Go so I can wash my hands. Please. Please. Um...
Is that why you are done vaping? Well, it's sad to hear you already gave up on your New Year's resolution. Well, no, I literally think it ruins my life. I think when I have the vape, it ruins me. But I just need a vice. I need something because if I don't have that, then I'm going to turn to drugs. Your vice should be overly caring for yourself and self-care. Aw, you're my vice. Come here. Because I'm really bad for you. You're bad for me, but I can't get rid of you. Can't get rid of you. Help.
I'm sure a lot of y'all have noticed we don't have many ads anymore and you're probably thinking, wow, oh my God, I feel so bad for them. They deserve ads. But we're doing our job. You're not doing your job. You need to fucking subscribe and engage with me or I will never do my job again. I like, I can't believe I miss reading ads. I like, I miss the taste. Have you ever fucking say some shit like that? Like publicly ever again? I'm going to fucking step back. I can't hear you. Um,
I have this written down. Wait, before you go, this is so fucked up, but while you were talking about the vape, I thought about how I used to play Call of Duty World at War 2 or whatever the fuck it is on the Wii because my dad really didn't want us to have it and my uncle got us a copy for the Wii because my dad thought it was only for Xbox and like PS whatever the fuck. So I had it on Wii and one time I was texting my crush and I think I've told this story, but
I was texting my crush and playing Call of Duty and my phone fell between my legs and vibrated from attacks and I literally couldn't believe it. I literally couldn't believe it. But I just thought about that because every time we film, I put my phone between my legs because I don't want it on camera and it vibrated and I did squirt a little. I do that sometimes too. I am sitting in a little puddle right now. That's like how in the car I sit with it like that. It feels nice. Hooray for a telemarketer to call me.
And call me twice Because I don't answer So they So it vibrates Call me twice And then leave a voicemail On the second one So that after a minute When I'm like Okay I'm done It gives me one last One last little shock
Ew, your fucking feet. My slippers. Let me contort my body in peace, please. Yes. No, they're my little house shoes. I got little house shoes because my feet are cold because it's a cold 60 degree day and I put on my house shoes. It does get belligerently cold in this house. It's fucked up. It is.
I forgot that I'm literally sitting on a pile of liposuction. It's just become everybody's normal and everybody's just accepted it. But I forget. I actually think I've...
morphed my ass into like this like lumpy like gross mass now you haven't morphed your ass but the heat and pressure from your ass and body have fully morphed the chair so that there's now like a true concave for you to sit in yeah yeah it's not bad anymore but i do like think it is kind of fucking with my spine like i i know there's like this thing where if like
like men normally typically have their like wallets in their back pocket so when they sit on it it like has them sitting like one ass cheek up one down and it fucks with their spine this has definitely like given me scoliosis like my body has like cause like if you look at how I'm sitting right now like one ass cheek is on it and one is just like levitating above it
It's just not good. I put my wallet in my back pocket, but that's because sometimes I like the way it makes it look like I have an ass. And then when I have to take out my wallet, there's just that big open space from the denim being stretched out. And it makes me really sad. And now I'm just stretched out. But that's why I got a BBL while I was in Mexico. Oh, bitch. This is exciting. This is really exciting.
I am 10 days sober from TikTok. Yeah, 10 days. Can I get a little celebration? The funny thing is when I kept talking about not having TikTok, literally no one batted an eye at me. Like I was the weirdo and now that everyone's like following Sue and following behind me, like I guess...
It's like to be the martyr of a cause is like you just have to take that fall. You're the tastemaker and the trendsetter. You don't get the recognition, but I will. I will. Guys. How do you feel? I feel like a fucking dinosaur. I don't know anything that's going on anymore. Like I just found out today that Russia's invading Ukraine or whatever. I don't fucking know anymore, which I feel like I would have found out a long time ago on TikTok.
I would have never known that because my TikTok timeline was only pretty girls and then toxic girls talking about how toxic they could be in relationships. That's awesome. And then people being mean to me on my timeline. But I got... Do you know why I got rid of it? Why? It's because I saw myself too much on it and it was freaking me out. It was making you a little existential? Mm-hmm. And I saw people, like, for the first time, like, discussing my life in comments, which, like, I don't give a shit. It's funny to me. But, like...
It was kind of scary. Wait, that one comment thread you read was so fucking funny. Let me find it. It's actually... Basically how it went was someone... It was like me talking about like relationship or something. And someone was like, has Drew ever dated anyone? And someone responded to the comment and was like...
Yeah, he talked about dating someone and then they broke his heart, so he went on a camping trip and then his brother died. That string of events is actually the funniest thing I've ever read in my life. Okay, first of all, you could have ended at the first scenario. You could have just said that. But I guess they were trying to protect you. They were like, listen, don't talk about relationships. But it did. The comments ate, so that's all I care about. As long as...
I'm being talked about and the comments are eating. It's all good. Um, what? I've decided that, um,
I'm going to jerk you off tonight. No, you're not. No, you're not. No, you're not. Yes, I am. I literally, I just, I already decided it. I didn't say like, oh, can I? Like, will you be like free later? I like, it's in my Google calendar. Like I have to. It is in mine too. Yeah, I know. That's what I'm saying. And we have a connected Google calendar. So anything I put in there, you're doing girl. Like we've made that. Honestly. Yeah. I'm honestly done. Yeah. Okay.
good it could be a vibe i was feeling like a deep sear of rejection for a minute but like it's good to know that you like i'm literally playing with my gum right now like fucking playtime i actually have lost i'm not kidding i this is something i do all the time is after i have a piece of gum i put it on like a cup or something that i have and people find that disgusting but it's not that disgusting yeah i just tried to do that yeah i do it all the time i put it on like coffee cups from your book oh my god
I think I took that page from your book. I don't have a book. What the fuck are you talking about? I literally don't have a book. What is that? It's not the book of your life. Like, what you do. Do you have a book of my life? Oh, my God. She's a psychopath. What is he talking about? Am I like, oh, I'm the freak. You're talking about taking pictures. You're talking about taking pictures. You're talking about taking pictures from my fucking book. I wrote, what is it? A biopic about you. Biopic. Biopic is a fucking movie. I wrote one about you.
I wrote an autobiography about you. I think autobiography is when you write it, right? So it's a biography. You don't know shit. Y'all are so annoying. I can't be myself around you two. I'm just saying. I say one thing and it's got to be a conversation to be corrected. It's always got to be corrected. My life always has to be corrected. I'm the guy to correct, it seems.
just spiraling for like five minutes it seems um well what the hell else is there to talk about i could talk about the worst airport experience in my life actually we don't have to talk about that i think i was cursed you were cursed drew literally i actually think i have a curse i think there is a curse on me
And our friend said that I need to, there is like this, like, who said this to you? Joyce. Joyce was like, oh, like when I was younger, my, I forget if it was her grandma or what, but someone was like, oh, we need to see if there's like bad juju around you. Let's, there's like this thing where they rub an egg. You do the egg thing. And then when you crack the egg, you see what happens to the yolk. It's like a tea reading, tea leaf reading. Yeah.
But you rub an egg all over your body. And I unironically want to do that. Why don't you just go and get red to filth? Because I could do that. I could do that. But I could also do the egg thing. I think you just want a reason to rub eggs on yourself, which sounds very... Balls all over my body. No, I actually do think I have a curse, though, because...
literally everything that has been able to go wrong has gone wrong. No, I think you just, when you go like a month without any inconveniences in life, like you literally said it. I beg for chaos. I beg for chaos and then I get it and then it happens. And also it's like the most minor chaos ever. It's like things that are like, okay, yeah, like. I hyper fixate and I spiral on the little, little things. I'm going to spiral my ass onto your wiener.
But yeah, I've just been, yeah, I've been cursed and I need it lifted. Okay, I'm going to be honest. I put a hex on you. What the fuck? Are you serious? Yes, I'm sorry. Why would you do that? You pissed me off.
What did I do? I don't... Well, that's a part of the hex. If I say it out loud, you'll ask for forgiveness and then the hex will be lifted and I don't want that yet. You're just making up rules. I'm not. That's what they told me. You don't know what I did. You just did it out of spite. You just were jealous of me. Oh, yeah. I'm jealous of you. All the tail that I've been getting. You have been having hella sex. Also, fun fact, Kai actually isn't here. He found that girl in Mexico and stayed with her. So Kai's living in Mexico now. And we've just been calling our fill-in Kai...
I thought you said we're calling our villain Kai and I was like... No, our fill-in until we find our new Kai. Dan, we're calling him Kai. Yeah. Sorry. Say hi to Dan. Yeah, it's a new guy. It's Dan. It's a new white dude. It's Dan. Guys, it's so me. We also have a voice changer. We got an impersonator. So we have two new employees, Dan and Phil. Yeah.
Yes, that Dan and Phil. We flew them out from London. They're here. They're working. Come on, speak British. Speak British. Oh my God. Okay, Phil. Why didn't you carry on, bro? How did your face get so... I gotta go to the bathroom real quick. Phil, take over. It's your funny Lucy.
I feel like a little kid watching their parent like be human for the first time. What did I lose? What did I miss? What did I miss? I don't know why it's actually freaking me out. You're literally scaring me. You know what's... Our British employees are scaring you? Yikes, that sounds like a mass cancellation. Profiling British people.
Oh fuck. Oh my god, I forgot what I was gonna say.
But I don't know why that just me saying like, I feel like a kid watching a parent like be a human for the first time is it's so funny as kids, like parents are not supposed to be human. They can't do anything wrong. That's like what's like trained for like society. And like as a kid watching your parents do anything, you're like, oh, you're so fucking stupid. And then when you're coming into adulthood, you're like, oh my God, I am so fucking stupid. And like, it doesn't seem like it's going to get any better. Like it does. No, I've peaked. My projection of intelligence is like baseless.
Barely moving. Like, I'm moving very slowly. I did this really nerdy thing the other day. What? Speaking of intelligence. You took an IQ test? No, no, no, no. I signed up and I am now paying five bucks a month for this, like, online, like...
I don't even know how to describe it. It's like learning math because I feel like I don't know math anymore. You are so fucking weird with what you choose to spend your money on. It was a seven day free trial and then I just kept it and I have it for a month, but I'm going to cancel it because it kind of sucks. You're going to cancel them? I'm going to cancel the entire company unless they fucking pay us on the podcast. I swear to God, I'm not mentioning them by name.
like actively i'm not doing that because y'all are not getting yeah god forbid it fucks with our other ad reads we have hella not even that it's just like no free promo but god like like anybody here would be like yeah i'm gonna go learn math god has smiled on me yes he has that is that has been my vibe lately god wait there's another one it's like
Today, today, today, today, thank you God for a very good day.
Oh, fuck. You know what I'm referencing. I know what you're referencing, but all I can think about is... Have you, hope you have a very good day. The sun is out and I'm feeling okay. That's not, that has nothing to do with God. I hope you have a very good day. That was making me think of the Vine where the guy's like in bed and his head is like propped up against a window and he has like a smiling cup behind his head and he's like, every morning I wake up, I reach for my smiling face. You have Folgers in my cup.
He's getting head in bed. He's head in bed. Can I see your morning wood tomorrow? Yes. Yes. Unironically, yeah. Dude, one time... I know what you're referencing. One time, me, Orion, and Inya, like...
We're all sleeping in a bed together. We were just like slumber party. And like, I, we all woke up at like the same time randomly. And Orion actually traumatized me for life. And she was like, I felt like your morning wood on my thigh this morning. You were excited. And I like,
I was like, oh my fucking God. Are you serious? Are you serious? Like I freaked out and was like apologizing and I was so scared. And she's like, I'm fucking with you. Like that did not happen. And I swear to God, it scarred me for life. And I always sleep facing the other way if I share a bed with someone now. Just, just in case. And I don't move when I sleep. The funny thing is. I fall asleep like this and I don't fucking move. Yeah, Drew falls asleep like a little mummy. Like, oops, whoo.
Oh my god. Drew wants to go to Egypt, but we literally can't. I want to go to Egypt really bad. I've become obsessed with the pyramids again. I did see a National Geographic magazine, but because I didn't have any cash on me, I couldn't buy it. But I was going to buy them for you this morning. Thank you. It's a thought that counts. It's my big fucking tits that count. Yes, yes, yes. Every time, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. But I've become obsessed with...
Boobs and big boobs in my face. No, I mean, I'm obsessed with the Mayan pyramids as well. Like the, I watched a documentary last night about them. There were two, there were two cradles, not just one, but there were millions cradles.
Holy shit. They've started using LIDAR scanning to scan the floor so we can see through the trees. And they've been discovering, like, so many, like, unknown, like, villages and pyramids and sacrificial places and holy places for, like, the Mayan people. And.
And it's crazy. It's unreal. Like this entire, I think entire rainforest is just covered. So the civilization was way fucking bigger than we've ever even imagined. We thought it was like, oh, like 100,000 people. It's millions and millions of people like rivaling with like the Egypt. But Egypt was like a thousand years earlier, I think, or something like that.
I have no idea what you're talking about, but like I can respect that. We can cut that. We can cut that. Y'all don't need to hear my nerdy shit. It's sweet because I was going to say someone on Patreon did ask like, oh, what are your like current like obsessions and what are you into? You're into that. I'm into religious paraphernalia. Bongs, religious cross bongs. Yeah. Searching for God in my bong water.
Holy water inside the cross bong. I'm back to taking photos, which is fun. I'm back to like using my point and shoot my medium format. That's been fun. That's been a, it's been a key. It's been a sleigh. It's been a surf. Um, and those are my obsession. Yeah. This is my obsession. I'm trying to think if I have, um, I'm obsessed with like Egypt, um,
Mayan... Culture. History. Yeah, history. And then... I just thought of you saying that. This is not funny, but when I said culture, I was like, imagine Drew just started culturally appropriating Egyptian and Mayan culture. Like Trisha Paytas. She is honestly...
She's pregnant. She's having a baby. No, she's not. No, she is not. Is she? Her and Moses are having a baby. That's sweet, though. I know. I love the like. Was she struggling with, like, having a baby? I love the like on it. I was like, you get your truth. You live your life. You get your truth. We make mistakes, and we just get to continue to grow. And I love. And I do actually think she will be able to turn off this, like, facade that she has on the internet where it's like,
like doing every problematic thing possible just to get a rise out of people i think she will be a good mother yeah that's my that's my take as a man thank you but i think i think most i i again that's why i believe in just like human shit because i'm like i feel like at any point like not anybody can be a mother because obviously that would be like but legitimate for me to say but like genuinely i that i am kind of like with that idea where i'm like
I think it's like so animalistic to like turn it on and off. But I also am like very understanding that that's like not the case most times. I've had another obsession recently, but I can't remember what it was. It's probably me. It's not really an obsession when I watch you sleep at night. Like that's not an obsession. I didn't know that's what you're... What? No, I was joking about like me being your obsession.
Okay, well, I was joking too. I do not climb a ladder and look through your windows at night. Like, I don't prop up a ladder and just like look in. Like, that's weird. I would actually never do that. So...
You sound dumb now. It sounds like it's something you do and you're like backtracking heavily. Were you singing Usher by... This is my confession. Confession. He has an obsession song too. I don't think so. Yeah, let's not quote me on that because I'm not good at this. You have never known a lyric in your life. Yeah, it is confession. I don't know. Oh, that's not Usher. Confessions part two. Oh, that is Usher. Confessions.
Oh wait, he does have a song, Obsession. No, he does not. He has Confessions. This is us.
I'm not kidding. Do not play with me like that. This is going to be fun. YouTube took down our one video. Wait, that's a new meme format. I'm at the studio, man. No, it fully has been a meme format. For real, don't play with me like that. That's us. That is my worst fucking trailer. I've said it before. I could be watching absolutely fucking anything and say, that's me. We were watching the Super Bowl and I was like, that's me, Drew, Josie, and Kai. That's me and Drew.
And it was, what was it? Will.i.am and Black Eyed Peas performing at the Super Bowl. Oh, that's something that we've been doing a lot recently. Even previous to the Super Bowl. You know what I'm obsessed with is
Michael Jackson lore. Like, not Michael Jackson as a person, but, like, Michael Jackson as an entity. As an entertainer. As an entertainer entity. Like, how was he able to do that? No, actually, I'm just... How was he able to take over the world and do literally everything? I'm obsessed with, like, entertainers in general. Like, it is comical to me the fact that, like, again, this is just proof that...
that like evolution has gone to like we should have stopped when it was obvious we were supposed to stop because why are we like packing stadiums and this is like from the dawn of time like even in like ancient greek this was like a thing like packing stadiums and watching performers but like the fact that there's video of like michael jackson jackson like blasting from the core of the earth and like stomping on stage and then like hilarious soaking in 10 minutes of like unadulterated love like the the
There was a point where he actually could have taken over the world. I genuinely think that he was like, he was a kill for me. Everyone would have killed for him. I really do think that. That's what I'm obsessed with is just like his relationship with his fans, I guess. Or like, just how big he got. Like how like, like literally bigger than Christ. He was bigger than Jesus Christ. I don't know. He was, but Drake is bigger than the Beatles. But I don't know how. I don't know.
Right now, yes. I think so. Drake is more important than the Beatles. And I'll stop there. Period. Period. We don't have to argue about it. We literally don't have to argue about it. You're freaking me out. Unironically, though, I believe that. Yeah, same. I'm not kidding. The Beatles did absolutely nothing for my slay life. But I'll let the people have it. They put some water and pennies on a drum and hit it. And they revolutionized music forever. Bitch, they were high as balls. They were on acid. Fuck. What the fuck was I going to say?
Oh my god, I lost it. I lost it. I fucking lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. Okay. You're at an hour. Wait, why was I going to say you're at an hour? Dan, you're at an hour. Sorry, the Kai impersonator is going a little too far. He's pushing boundaries that we don't even do. Your stomach is making noises. I was trying to catch it. I'm trying to catch you when you fall. And I'll be here for you always.
Have fallen. Fuck, I'm so sad I was going to say something. Whatever. Maybe that's a sign to shut the fuck up and the episode is over and we're going to talk about media now. Media for my balls. I watched Spencer and that movie is so fucking good. There's nothing better than being a woman in despair, shame, anger, erotica, serve, eat your pearls.
If you've just seen it, you'll know what I'm saying. Eat your heart out, Tonya Harding. Oh, yeah. God, that was such a fucking good movie. Kristen Stewart slays the house down. Boots every day serving tea, wig, water. Cunt. Giving it. Giving it all. And then for music, for book, I started The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath because I'm going to hell. Like, we all know that. Like, I'm going to hell. We know. And that's really good.
And then for music, I'm going to have to say He Got the Girl by Marine Girls. My Truth, Cocktail Twins. Snake Man Freestyle by Baby Father. And I think I said I'm Getting Used to You by Selena the last episode, but I'm going to say Ride the Dragon by FKA Twigs. You've been listening to a lot of FKA Twigs. Well, I've already kind of discussed my media.
um like egypt documentaries are really cool right now and not the like aliens built the pyramids like no like like the people did yeah the cool shit about it like them having batteries and like yeah them having batteries look it up it's crazy i think another i watched
Eternal Spotlight of the Sun. Oh, my God. Why do I do that every time? Dude, it's just the longest name in the world and it's like a tongue twister. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I watched that again recently and that is a great movie. However, the soundtrack has been in my rotation. I wake up in the morning and I put the soundtrack on a little bit and I cry.
It's so evil. I think it's evil because I tie it to things happening in the movie. There is actually... I think there's one thing in that movie that may be the funniest piece of cinema I've ever seen in my entire life. And it's when she's on her side and he's having one of those...
memory erase, spoiler alert, memory eraser moments and she like, they're on the floor and she slides away on her side and I burst out laughing in the theater and people, I've ruined that because it's a very serious moment. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. And I've ruined it probably for everybody and like I,
I laughed like that. And it was not true. We have the worst sense of humor ever that like actually ruins everybody's life a day because literally like I know I can picture in my head. I know that scene and I also probably would have laughed. Yeah, it cracked me up. It just caught me off guard. I forgot it happened. But that soundtrack is amazing. Listen to that soundtrack. And then for what were you going to say though? I was going to say that's one of those movies that I haven't watched in a long time because like
movies like make me sob like you've seen it we talked about it before like and that's one of those movies that I like can't rewatch because I remember how like fucking
heartbreaking and heart-wrenching it was to watch. But it's always been in my watch list where I'm like, oh, I need to put on a movie right now where I'm like, I need to re-watch this. But I can't do it because I'm usually in a good mood and I'm like, ugh, that's going to ruin my life. That's like, I refuse to watch Blue Valentine because I've always been told it's just such a fucking sad movie for the sake of a real sad story. And if I watch that, we don't have to talk about what happens next.
I'm so fucked up right now. I'm literally so fucked up right now. Okay, so my music. And then I want to talk about this next little thing. Real Love Baby by Father John Misty. Such a cute song. That song holds so much sweetness and love in my brain for 2020. I have a really sweet... Sorry. No, you're good. I have a really sweet memory. I think that might have been the song. I'm pretty sure. But me and Orion went like...
This is like, man, no one was there. But when we have this like really sweet memory together that like it's one of my favorite memories with her was like during like the summer of 2020 when like Chateau was like closed down, we got invited to go hang out with literally like four other people there. And it was just like barren and empty. And we were like listening to music and like drinking and like talking and like sitting there. And then that came on and like we like started dancing in the
hallways of like the chateau and like holding each other's arms and like spinning around and like running after each other um and it's very that's cute and i wasn't there so oh because you were you were off having fun me my brother being dead is not me having fun
Well, when you phrase it like that, it sounds like awful. Okay, The Game Goes On by DJ Screw, K-Rhino, and Z Rock. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, I've been listening to that song a lot. Sorry, guys. I'm literally fucked up right now. And then this song is in my new video, Lambent Rag by Clark. I love a good piano riff. I love it. Slays my life. And...
I just love throwing y'all for a loop on my YouTube channel. And nothing feels better than being in complete and utter fucking despair. Sorry. I'm sorry. I just... What did y'all think of my new video? Be honest. Oh, when this comes out, it'll be out? Yeah. All the comments are probably gonna be like, oh, that sucked. That sucked. Like, you should like... Should I continue that series? I don't know.
I'm gonna if you don't continue I'm just gonna hijack it and do it I'm gonna hire Dan to impersonate you Oh word Yeah He's really good at that shit Dan would you do that? Phil Phil is the impersonator No Dan is the Sorry he's fucking up your name Dan is the impersonator Phil is the one actually filling in and like doing the work Oh no no I messed it up Oh my god I'm so sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry
Oh, it's me. It's so kind. Oh, my God. You're really committed to the role. I can give you that. You're committed to your job. Come on. That $3 an hour is really going far. Don't tell them that. Oh, sorry. Well, it's like $50 an hour in British money. Yeah.
Okay. I really want to watch this movie called The Art of Self-Defense. Oh, my God. Should we? Wait, there was a movie we're going to watch tonight or a couple nights ago. Being John Malkovich. Yes. Because that's a movie that I never finished. Yeah. Okay. That's the end of this episode. If you got to the end of this episode, you'll know if you know.
Next episode, we could talk about the movie and just watch it so that we can have an open discussion about it and there be no spoilers. New little emergency intercom segment is a watch party. Watching a movie. Watch a movie with us. All right. Well, not with us because you're not here, but you're watching it in your own home and then you come back at the end of the week and we just discuss it together. If we were friends, I wouldn't let you over at my house. It's us discussing it and then y'all are just there. Talk to you.
your screen i know you but just be talking to your screen i know y'all start talking um
