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Welcome to this episode of Emergencia. Intercom. I don't know how to say that. I don't know how to say that word. Do you want to let the people know where we are?
I don't know where we are. We are in Teposlan. I always say it wrong. I say it different every single time. We are in Teposlan, Mexico right now. I needed to say it with all the accents because I know one of you bitches would say something dirty about me if I didn't. Yeah. We just ran away because we feel like American people don't understand us. They don't get us. Never have, never will. I've found my people. Literally Christopher Columbus. Me on my colonizer vibe.
Drew did say he's going to come here. No, I saw a plot of land about an hour outside of Mexico City, and I was like, I'm going to buy that plot of land and make Drewtopia. The thing is, Kai just knocked you to the camera, but that's okay. We'll just ignore it. Kai gets a pass because I've been too mean to him this trip, so I can't be mean to him joking on camera. Anya has been actually mean to Kai. Actually mean. Also, wait, before we pass over it, we're literally less than a minute into this episode, and you're already talking about colonizing Mexico. Yeah.
I literally listened to it. It's in my fucking blood. It's in my DNA. I literally can't help it. I'm sorry. I just want to openly admit to the public and apologize to the public because I feel so evil. I was really mean to Kai yesterday because I was just... To be fair, I've been mean to Elisa too. I've just not been a nice girl. I have not been a nice girl. It's been a rough trip for you, I feel. You know, thank you for validating me. Thank you for validating me. It's been fun. You've just been our translator the whole time. It's just been... I've been serving...
Mommy vibes. Bitch, they're shooting. Oh, what was that? Was it a firework? It was a salute, a firework. But yeah, we... What time is it? It probably marked the hour. Yeah, it's a... Okay, at 544 every day in Tepistan, it bombs.
Okay, wait, actually, I'm like all over the place because I'm very like overwhelmed and I have had half a margarita and I had to stop myself for the other half because I was like, I'm going to be belligerently drunk on the podcast. And I was like, which might be fun. I already just slip up and say, I don't say bad things, but I already say things where I'm like, I should not have said that. I shouldn't be saying that to the public. But to explain why we're in Mexico.
We are staying in Mexico City, but Jester is a fucking freak of nature. And somehow convinced us to cross the border. Yeah, somehow convinced us to go international. To go to another country. For their birthday, which was over a week ago. Yes. So there's like no... So their birthday was a week ago and we're still celebrating it here. But I...
Love it here. Yeah, it really is amazing. For those of you who don't know, I'm Honduran. And I haven't been to Honduras since I was literally a little baby. I don't think I've been back since I was seven. And this is the closest thing I could get to it because my family has fear-mongered me to stay out of Honduras. But yeah, this place is beautiful. I've literally been here for 24 hours and I leave tomorrow. I flew in.
Inya, Lisa, and Jester shopped all day and I followed them around with Kai all day long. And then we kind of are leaving the next day. Like we, we, oh, this is the, this is the craziest part is we planned on getting here hella early. This area, we wanted to shop around. We wanted to have a blast of a time. We wanted a good time. Like get some micheladas or micheladas. How do you say it? Yeah. Get some of those, um,
get a little drunk, listen to the bombs go off, just taking the scenery. But Enya drove us literally two hours away. She drove us two hours away from where we were supposed to be and we pulled up-- - No, to be fair, it was an extra hour past where we were supposed to be, so I didn't get us two hours away from where we were supposed to be, 'cause it only took 30 minutes to get here. So technically, how much time did I really waste? Like an hour? - Yeah, like an hour and a half. - Maybe not even though.
No, no, not even. Because there was still traffic to get out of the city. But basically, I fucked up very hard. And now I don't get to go through the markets like I wanted to. Because my one wish was to come and get a nice rosary. Because I have been looking to repurpose a rosary. I know there's a body in there. Bitch, you're thinking of GTL LA. Cecil Hotel. Your body is about to be in here if you don't shut the fuck up. Oh, my God.
But yeah, I fucked up and I was so mad. I've just been so fucking irritable this trip. Like, we don't even have topics to talk about because we were like, let's talk about the trip. But the trip, like, it feels like we've been here forever. Not even for me. It feels like I've been here for eight minutes total because I've been yelled at the entire time. You know what it was? Okay, I've never had to, like, go anywhere into Spanish-speaking territory and had to, like, translate for people. And I've never had to, like, go anywhere into Spanish-speaking territory and had to, like, translate for people.
and i know one of you bitches is gonna be like oh but like talk spanish now we want to hear how your spanish is no because you're gonna bully me you um my spanish is
My mom only speaks Spanish and all of my family only speaks Spanish, but my dad speaks English, so I grew up speaking English and Spanish. And obviously, my English is Slaytonic. Like, I make up Slaytonic. I make up new words in English. Yeah, that's true. I can't do that for Spanish. Un piojo en mi culo. So, yeah, I've been translating for these dumb fucks. And I didn't know it would be hard work, you know? Yeah, you've been saying that you're not ready for children. Yeah, I am.
Just the sheer amount of questions and pointing to things and asking for what it means like not okay It's just too many questions like which grant I was thinking I was like damn I never want to go anywhere where like I'm burdening somebody with the language barrier like does that make sense like But I don't know any other country that are no one in our group speaks any other language like it's not like anybody in the groups Be like French I've been
on Duolingo practicing Swahili so you drew in 2018 in 2018 four years ago he tried to learn Swahili for literally three days on Duolingo and he brings it up twice a month like he I'm just better than that I'm better than everybody else a little bit of it no why not I don't know
I just feel like we're in Mexico. So you shouldn't, like, mix. Yeah. But you're here, so we're already mixing. What's been your favorite part? Oh, Drew went out without me last night because he hates me because everyone was mad at me. No, not everyone was mad at you. You were mad at everybody else and Miss Complainer. My tummy hoided. My tummy really hoided. She got a tummy ache and...
Took it out on everybody else. And me and Kyle were begging y'all to come with us. We were literally begging y'all. I am pizza bae. Like, I just need some pizza in my hole and that I'm a nice girl. And I'll do a little dance. But if I'm hungry, you don't want to see me when I'm hungry and without a coffee. So tell us about the night. Like, what did you get up to?
Like, was it the most fun you've ever had because you didn't have, like, your girlfriend hounding you? No, it was absolutely a fucking blast. I went, too. It was the night to remember, I think, of the entire trip. I don't think it actually got any better than that moment. No, but it'll get better tonight because we're all... Everyone in the crew is going to get really drunk and have sloppy sex. I really don't think that's going to happen. I think last night was peak, right? Except, you know...
okay yeah maybe it won't be it because I will say like I know I offered sex but you know when we were coming across the border and you had to like declare things they like looked down and they were like oh that big that big that big ass coochie has to be declared before you come to the country and yeah my hooters and coochie and when I was crossing they like they like weighed it and they were like oh it's too heavy and voluptuous and like
I get that all the time on airplanes. They were like, oh, why is it so wet? Do you have, like, an alcohol or substance you're trying to, like, bring over? And I was like, no, no, no, no, no. Like, that's just me. That's just my body part. Like, I can't really stop it. And they did make me leave my coochie in the U.S. Damn, they did the same thing to me with my heavy wiener. With your big boner? Yeah, you know how they weigh the bags? Yeah. Well, like, I...
Well, what they don't tell you is that the 3D scan chamber is the radiation den, as I call it. They give you insane amounts of radiation. It's also a scale for male genitalia, weaners. And I...
Unfortunately, this time for some reason did not pass. And I almost didn't make it. It's probably because you stuffed it. You wanted it to seem heavier. Because I don't believe you. How can you get on a plane anywhere else but you didn't get to come to Mexico with your big wiener? With your big honking wiener? I've been trying to have sex the entire time I've been here. All of y'all are
All of y'all are fucking fake. All of y'all are like, I'm trying to bone. I want to bone. Bone what? Oh my God. Kai is so horny. He literally somehow put holograms in our head of a woman and she didn't exist. I'm convinced she did not fucking exist. Oh, I forgot about that. Literally mass hallucination. Mass hallucination event.
We went to this, like, bar restaurant thing called Jinjin. It was a classic. That's a certified Mexico City classic. Next time you hear it, go. Because the drinks are literally insane. Maybe it was something in the hookah also. Like, they literally probably dosed us with fucking...
hallucinogens in her hookah. I was chiefing. It's the most foreigner shit you've ever said. Maybe it was something in the hookah. I was chiefing that hookah all night fucking long. Oh, okay. No, actually, we got, we ordered a hookah thing, which I don't fuck with hookah. I think it's, like, funny. But we ordered it, and tell me why Kai and Drew hit the fucking tip raw. Like, they were putting on
replacement tips for every table, obviously, because it's like wood and I don't think you can necessarily disinfect wood very well. And literally, you're a fiend because the second they put it in your hand, you fucking suck the shit out of it. I need the nicotine. I need the deluxe. The waiter looked at us like we were literally on meth. He ran across the restaurant and was like, hold the fuck on. Like, chill. Freakazoids. So yeah, so we went to this like hookah bar place
Like, alcohol bar. Whatever. And Kai was like...
like oddly like silent. So I was sitting next to him and there was a table behind us or behind me and apparently there is this girl looking at Kai constantly like they would like lock eyes or whatever and I was like yeah yeah right like that's not happening you're making this up like this is a hallucination you need help so I moved spots and I switched over and I did see
Love in the air. There was a connection there. I'm convinced she was literally jerking the boy off next to her because her hand was under the table for way too long. That was not a straight man. That was not a straight man. Yeah, I couldn't really tell. It was like three girls with three guys. Yeah, I don't think it was a straight man. But they were locking eyes like crazy. It was actually kind of beautiful to see a couple times. I was like, wow, like I may find love.
Actually, you know what? It wasn't real. None of it happened. That's what I'm saying. I come back to the table. I'm like, why did you move to Drew? And Drew literally said to me, he was like, Kai said this girl's looking at him, but I haven't seen her look over here once. So then we are cracking up and whatever. We get the bill. We leave. And Kai's like spazzing. He's like,
I should have went and said something to her. I should have went and said something to her. And all of us were like pretty drunk. So I was like, okay, do you have a pen? Like, just go, like, I was like, I'm going to give her my number, but I don't have a pen. I was like, I'll get us a pen. So I went back into the restaurant, went to the hostess and explained. And I was like, do you have a pen? Because my friend wants to give someone his number. So I won't take your pen. I just need to borrow it. And she was like smiling. She was like, oh my God, like 4th of July or 4th of July.
February 4th. Valentine's Day. Damn. Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is coming up. Like, of course. Valentine's Day. And gave me the pen. Kai was too fucking nervous to even write his damn number. I had to write the number. And... I followed in there as Intel. I was back up first, Intel second to see if he actually...
um did it and we went in and literally she was gone she vanished into thin fucking air like it wasn't even like she was there like her chair was pushed in there was no jacket in the chair like it was literally like she never existed you know what it was she was scared of shit she wasn't looking at the pink man the pink man wants me the killer the pink killer killer is here like she didn't
see love she was like oh my god this scary white dude is literally gonna fucking chase after me murder me not us following her not us seeing if the bat if she was up in the bathroom area like we ran up there she was literally in the stall shaking for her fucking life she's like do you think he's coming i hear his footsteps he's coming she felt the way we did it that home alone game literally she felt like she was playing a horror game simulator on oculus um but
I commend Kai on going back in there and being brave enough to speak to a woman because I'm scared of women. And so is Kai. Audio technician, is everything good? All right, cool. That was good exposure therapy. Yep. I don't know if y'all heard it, but Kai just considered what we did exposure therapy. That's what this podcast is. Anytime we go out, it's exposure therapy, I think.
Not me. I'm literally living, laughing, loving. I'm fucking slaying the world here. I spoke to a man from Amsterdam last night who is staying in a hostel and was... A hospital. A hostel. And his four friends that he was with disappeared, apparently. He was like, I don't know where they went. And I was like, can you describe them? And he was like, tall man with a beard. And I was like, so sexy. And then he...
You're literally hornier than ever. You start sniffing, you're like...
You asked for his hand. You're like, when's the last time you touched him? He's like, maybe five minutes ago. And you smell the hand. And then I was like, why don't you go look for him inside? And because he was outside and he was like, I don't know. Like I was walking downstairs to go look and I knocked the glass and it exploded. And then this like Brazilian girl came up to me and gave me Molly. And so I took the Molly and I'm also like on my,
C word, I don't know if I'm allowed to say any of this shit. Coke?
And then he was like but like it's okay because like when I get home to the Airbnb I'm gonna take Valium to go to sleep and I was like you need to fucking chill is what you need to do You need to leave He didn't have friends. He doesn't have a hostel. He's hallucinating. It was actually horrifying The way he was behaving is very erratic and then a more conversation happened and
some things that I don't want to talk about happened on the podcast. And we went back down there to see if we could find his homies for him.
He like went in and followed him in and he like freaked out like he tweaked out He was like I can't go in there. I can't go in there We were like why dude and he was like I just can't I can't can't and then he like was like I'm going to the bar and so me and Kyra like okay I'm literally running away. This is like Luca. McNatta. He's gonna try to fucking kill us like he's literally the killer Well, I got asked to do a wire transfer when I told someone I didn't have any cash. Oh
A man tried to sing to me and I told him to stop because I didn't have any more cash because I had just bought cash. I just bought chocolates off the sweetest kids in the fucking world. And then I told him I didn't have any more cash and he literally looked me dead in the eyes and said, I take transfer. Like, I take wire transfer. That was insane. It was pretty... Okay. It is fireworks though, I saw it. Me as if it was going to be anything else. Okay, what time is it now? Ya mama.
No, what time is it on your phone? Oh, it's 6.
See, okay, and that was six explosions for six o'clock. See, I might be a fucking genius. My IQ is... I don't know if that's how that works. I think people are just having fun. That did scare the living ball sacks out of me. Also, it's just so beautiful here. Look how fucking pretty this view is. I hope the camera's picking it up. I honestly feel very disruptive by being here and talking about cock and balls on top of, like, this roof. Also, we asked somebody if we could sit on the roof of a hotel, so that's where we are. We're not staying at this hotel. We just asked him, um...
And he let us. Honestly, probably because I'm really sexy. Yeah. You know what it is? Also, I don't get hit on in L.A. And I get hit on and looked at here. And I'm like. I get cat called here, too. We were walking out of Jinjin. A man just looked me in the eyes and said, oy, mujer. And like yelled that in my face. And usually I'd be really fucking annoyed. But I was feeling myself. And I was like, yes, I am woman. I am woman. I am woman. I am baby.
I am sexy. I'm divine. Also, I like, I hope nothing I'm saying sounds like very like ignorant and annoying of me, but I have been so terrified of getting the cacas from the water here. It's like the one thing on my mind, like everywhere I go, I'm like, don't please don't give me ice.
Please don't give me a cup of water. I didn't tell you this, but I did accidentally swish water around in my mouth when I was brushing my teeth because I forgot. But that was the first night. And that's why I think my stomach hurt so bad yesterday because I did have rumbly guts like I haven't before. Like, it was a usual stomachache where I'm, like, bloated and something hurt. But my fucking colons...
We're literally vibrating. Like, if I put my colon to my clit, I would have... It would have been a mess. Whoa. Because they were vibrating. Do you get it? Yes. Like a vibrator. Yes, we got it. Do you think I should get a vibrator while I'm here? A little wing bot? A little wing bot junior? A little turkey wing? Um... What else can we fucking talk about? Like, this shit's boring. This podcast is fucking boring. It's taking time out of my fucking day. Um...
Driving here is also pretty crazy. It's fucking awesome. I have so much fun doing it. The merging is like comical to me. Like, again, I hope nothing I like. I don't know if it's like ignorant. It definitely is just culture shock. It's just culture shock. But like the driving was cracking me up. Like we were. There's just no lanes in the road. Yeah. Some of the roads literally have zero lanes and you have to stay in your own lane.
You have to be an aggressor here, which I am because I fear no fucking man. I've said it once. I'll say it again. Like, only I can take me out. You've said it 36,000 times. You can say it. I'm just letting the world know. Like, y'all be manifesting, like, good health and, like, slay. I'm manifesting that I will be the one to take me out. I'm almost in my physical fighting era. Like, I'm almost to the point where, like, I want to get in a brawl, like a physical brawl. Why? What's pushing you there? I don't know. I just, like, felt it. I'm rubbing off on you. Like...
Low key. Like I'm just feeling like I need to be in a fight and have my ass beat and be humbled at the end of the day. See, that's, that's where we're different. Cause I don't want to be humbled. I want to beat the shit out of someone, but I would, I do think some like blunt force trauma to the head would help me a little bit. Like I've thought about that. I'm like, I need a bit of like a dome reset, like where,
Where, like, it feels like a nuke went off in my brain or, like, a flashbang from Call of Duty. Like, that's kind of the feeling I want in my brain a little bit. Wait, the way, I'm not even joking, last night we hung out with... Bella Hadid. No, we hung out with the Spanish dub cast of Euphoria. They were all there.
They were all there and we hung out with all of them. How'd you find that out? Like, did they just like... They brought it up. Really? Yeah. I would ride that shit too. Wait, the whole cast? The Spanish dub. So it was like 13 of a crew? It was not rolling 13 deep. It was like three people. So who was it? Like, Rue? See, it's not for the fucking minutes, dumb boy. Yeah, him.
but you're not like going deeper on that. Like, what do you mean? Did they like, how did they prove that? Like, how did, like, I don't understand. They showed themselves in the recording booths. They showed, they could have been in any single recording booth on planet earth. Did it have like euphoria watermarks on it? They showed them reading, um,
What's his name? Jacob Elardi's lines. But you can find those on the internet now. Okay. Wait, did they show you the episode that's coming out soon? They were like 50 pesos for a photo and we gave them the money and took pictures with them.
You got scammed. No, we got pictures with the cast of Euphoria. No, I think you got scammed, Drew. Like, there's no... Can I see the picture? Me getting scammed. Can I see the picture? Did they also take it on their phone? Me getting scammed. Yeah, right. Are you actually about to show me a photo? Yeah. Kai's laughing really hard. So, like, is this a planned bit? Yeah. Yeah.
That's literally me in Euphoria cast. Am I wrong? No, you're literally showing like early signs of Alzheimer's right now. I don't know what you want me to say to that. Like I need that on screen so people know that I'm not being a cunt. I just don't know what to say to that. I am woman. You know what's really annoying is maybe I should have gotten drunk. Wait, how does it go? Yes. No. Fuck, wait. You're really fucking bad.
I'm a little nasally. You're like toned up. My chirping voice is really bad. Well, no, I'm singing in my head voice and I don't have a head voice. I can sing in my chest. No, let's hear it. Let's hear it. Like... Yep, yep. See, that was good. Fuck me, man. You want me to... Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Because I can't get my gravity to like... But we did go to this really cool club that just had a bunch of people dancing. I know. I will say I am really jealous. Like, we have to go out tonight because I just ruined my night. Well, we do have an event to go to tonight. It's called Pervert Dress Code. It's called Pervert Dress Code. It's bondage. Are you trolling? I'm not trolling. It's bondage recommended.
But not required. But I think we go to a sex shop, all dressed up in bondage, get really close and personal with each other, really, like, explore each other's bodies and see us for what we truly are. Like, us explore each other's bodies? Yes. I can see who you are without touching you. You also stink. You haven't showered. Like, you literally went out last night, didn't fucking shower, and in the car today was like, every now and then I get a whiff of rotten cabbage. I'm sorry.
And all of us are like, "We don't smell that, you're smelling yourself!" No, there's like a scent of sauerkraut following me everywhere I go. And it's not my balls. It's literally your fucking upper lip and your balls. No, I swear to God, Kai knows what I'm talking about. No, I think Kai might have smelled you last night. No, see? But did you smell it in the car?
I did smell it. It was Drew. It's still Drew. Do you like the smell, kinda? It does smell good. It does smell good. It gets me... It's my... Talk about the thing where people were dancing in the circles. Yeah, that's what you just showed me. They were having the most human experience I've ever seen in my entire life. It was pure... What is the word? Euphoria. Pure euphoria. It was like pure innocence. Really just...
The only way I can describe it is just like humans. It was the least pretentious expression of happiness and celebration I've ever seen. It was beautiful. The least pretentious celebration of happiness. Why are you repeating? I think he was hurt. He's 18 miles away. I'm boosting his voice. You need to let our white men have his voice heard. You're speaking over white men voices. No, we fucking don't. Do not snap.
We do not need another white voice. Look at you. I'm the white voice. I'm the white voice in this podcast. I am also the white voice. I'm the female white voice. You're the male white voice. We need to be heard. I need to be seen. I need to be loved. I need to be fondled with a little bit. Like my butt piece. I see the type of person that you are. You're looking through me.
I feel bad this episode isn't really, I don't know what we've talked about. We're literally just talking. I think it's a miracle that we even got this spot because, um, like I said, I've just been so fucking, Elisa, do you think Elisa would be mad if I say what happened to her? Uh,
I'm sure a lot of y'all have noticed we don't have many ads anymore and you're probably thinking, wow, oh my God, I feel so bad for them. They deserve ads. But we're doing our job. You're not doing your job. You need to fucking subscribe and engage with me or I will never do my job again. I like, I can't believe I miss reading ads. I like, I miss the taste.
If anything, we'll cut it. Yeah, it's not even that big of a deal. Okay, so, I feel bad because, no, this is the second episode in a row where I'm airing Alisa's shit out, like, and she listens to these, literally. Wait, Alisa- No, she got a DM saying, like, I don't care that you choose loud. No, she got a comment. Someone publicly was like, you're so hot, I don't care if you choose loud as fuck. Like, um, and she hasn't watched that episode yet, so she was like, what is that-
Why are they saying that to me? But I'm going to air her out again because that's my girl and that's what I do. Even though I've been so mean to her. She's been asking me a lot of questions because her phone's been broken. And I feel so bad. I literally, like, she'll ask me something and then at this point I'd just be lying and saying exactly what she doesn't want to hear. Like, she was like, what did she ask? Oh, she asked if we were going 140 miles an hour. Yeah.
No, the fucking rinky dinky ass car, fucking gadget, baby clown, pioso fucking car we have does not go 140 miles per hour. It starts shaking when we hit 40 miles per hour. We were going 140 kilometers an hour.
Or per meter. I don't know. I don't know what the fucking thing is here. Like, I don't understand it. But on the dash, it said 140. And I was like, I need to slow down because the speed limit is 90 and I'm doing 180. Or 140. And she was like, are we actually going 140 miles an hour? We're not going light speed right now, Lisa. No.
And I got, like, upset. And it's the way that she's literally the smartest person I know. I know. She asked that. I was like, really? And so I got upset, and I was like, yeah, actually, we're going 140. I'm going to see if I can get 160. Like, I just, like, start answering her like that. That's how I answer you when you're, like, should we be walking in the middle of the road while there's a car trying to go? And I'm like, yeah, like, I think we should be. It's, like, really fun, and I want to get run over. Sometimes I say it because I don't want to be like, get out of the road.
Yeah. So I say it because I don't want anybody to feel like I'm bossing them around, specifically men. Yeah, because I do have a problem with female authority. No, you have a problem with authority, period. But specifically with me because it's on some brother-sister shit and you don't want to be told what to do from me. It really is. And I'm boss baby. I am baby boss. You're giving Pizza Bay boss baby. I am.
I am. I'm giving angry boss baby. Pizza Bay boss baby with a mustache tattoo on their finger. I'm giving, I'm giving like... Galaxy tights pizza bay. Nobody wants to make a decision because nobody wants to say what they want. So then I just make the decision and then I feel like some people are mad at me. So then I get mad at everyone else. What was I saying about Elisa? Oh, sorry. I don't think... Ow.
I literally just scratched myself way too fucking hard. That literally hurt so bad. Speak. I don't even remember what the fuck I was saying. Because I was talking about making decisions and people being mad at me. What decision did you make that people are mad at you over? No, just in general. I'll be like, we're doing this. We're doing this. Go here, then we do this. I think people... I mean, personally, I like being told where to go and where to be. But like...
Yeah, I don't know. I literally was just like, I don't have a problem with authority. And now I'm like, please boss me around. See, I'm a walking conundrum. We need to get, you know what we should get here? Tram it all from the pharmacy? Yeah, no, we shouldn't. Should we do that? You keep saying that. I don't know what that is. You don't want to know.
Oh, ew. You should grow up because it's actually really gross that you want those things. I would never. But airing Elisa out. So Elisa's allergic to alcohol. But we all went out to drink and she had a drink. And then she had another one. And like she usually gets like red and like very hot and like has an allergic reaction to it. But she wasn't. So she was like, fuck it. I'm going to keep going. But the drinks were like...
getting us all like drunk as alcohol does and she got really really drunk and like literally was stumbling in the streets of Mexico City it was crazy I've never seen her drunk yeah I've never seen her drunk either and then we got back to the crib and I remember right before we went to sleep me and Alisa are sharing a room right before we went to sleep she was like oh I'm really worried that I wake up with a headache tomorrow and then like I'm like I feel sick and I don't want to go out and like goes like shopping and stuff and I was like girl you
If anything, you'll wake up with a little headache from a small hangover. We'll pop a fucking croissant in your ass and you'll keep it pushing. The thing is, every time I speak, Drew sings over me. No, it's like beautiful background vocals. It's adding to the story. It literally is. It's adding ambience. No, it's because you have a defect in your brain where you need attention on you at all waking moments. No, it's literally not even that. I guess this was literally Lisa's euphoria moment. Yeah, exactly. So she got all fucked up. We went to a rave. It was fucking awesome.
And she was, like... But she was, like, shaking before we went to bed. And then I just went to sleep and I woke up. Also, for more context, you're so annoying, Jared. For more context, our bathroom, there's a window in it. And every time you open and close the door, it slams the window. And I, like, just kept hearing that. And I heard Aliza walking back and forth in the room to her bed and back to the bathroom. And I just woke up at, like, 5. And it sounded like she had shoes on. Oh, my God. I forgot. Literally, I...
You, like, actually traumatized me. Okay, let me finish. Let me get there, and then you can tell that part. So, I, like, just woke up, and I was like, are you wearing shoes, like, inside right now? Wait, I know it's annoying for me to interrupt, but actually, like, just look behind you at the mountains. It's, like, legitimately the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my entire life. Like, that over there does not look real. It's literally... I mean, like, you say that, but you're sitting right in front of me. Ignore that.
That was like God saying run away from you immediately. It was God trying to feed you from the love I have to give you. But now I forgot what I was fucking saying. Elisa in the bathroom. Oh, yeah. She was literally... I woke up and I was like, are you wearing shoes? And she was like, no, I feel really sick. And I like opened my eyes and look. And she's like basic borderline butt naked shaking like hard as shit. Also, for more context is like...
I have this too, but I'm very sure Elisa has it worse than me. Like a fear of throwing up and hearing people throw up. So I thought she was shaking from being so scared to throw up, but I felt so bad. And I called Drew to eat that.
The worst meal? No, it was the best shit I've eaten this whole trip. No, it was fucking delicious. Like, it was the most delicious thing I've ever put in my fucking hole in my life. Oh, look over here. This is what Drew's looking at. It's a plate of beans and eggs. It was delicious, but it's so funny looking. Um, anyway, okay, and then I call Drew. I really can't live in the moment, can I? Okay.
Are you looking back literally yesterday and being like, that was a dream? That was such a good day. I wish today was that good. I wish I could experience yesterday today. Okay, so I call you because also the place we're staying in, the rooms are separated. Like, you have to go outside and then, like, go to other rooms. So I was calling Drew to ask for help. And...
This was... What was it? 4.30 in the morning? No, this was like 5 a.m. It was the scariest moment of my life. Like, I get a call from Enya and it...
Also, for some reason, my phone vibrated, which I don't know why it was vibrating. I had the ringer on, and it was such a weird vibrate that, like, I'm in a bunk bed, and my phone somehow got on the wood floor, and it literally vibrated my entire fucking bed and my whole... And it was, like, so fucking scary. It felt good, though? Yeah, no, it, like, stimulated me. That's good. And...
I woke up and I was already having a nightmare. I do not remember the nightmare at all, but I was already having like a horrific dream. And my phone woke up and I was like, oh my God, like this is, that was so scary. Like, who is it? And I looked and it was Inya calling me and I was like, why the fuck is Inya calling me at 4.30 in the morning? Like something is going on. And I answer it and I hear literally like tape, like cassette tape, like crackling and like,
Like, kind of like a... What is it called? Vinyl... Yes, like vinyl album... Oh, my fucking God. Like, vinyl album, like, cracking. And it...
I'm like, hello? I like him yelling at Annie. I'm like, hello? And I don't get an answer. From my side, I also hear nothing, but I'm saying nothing anyways. Like, I'm just like, I called him to wake him up because I texted him. I was like, he's definitely dead asleep. A call will wake him up. And that's why I called him. So I'm a fucking genius and it worked. But I was literally like, hello? Annie?
And I'm like, oh, fuck. And I say hello again, like, even more angry. And I'm like, why the fuck is she not answering? And then in my, like, sleep-deprived, like, half-awake, half-asleep brain, I was like, oh, my God, Inya got, like, taken. And, like, this is her, like, last, like, moments. Like, her last hurrah to get, like, her location out there. So I, like, stayed on the phone for literally 14 seconds because I heard somewhere that, like, if you stay on the phone for 14 seconds, like, they can track your location. Yeah.
And I stayed on the call for 21 seconds. 21 seconds.
Because I was like, okay, like, I need this so they can triangulate her location. And then I, like, she blew up my phone and texted me. I was like, okay, she's alive. Yeah, I was just trying to see if we could go get her anti-nausea medicine. Because I felt so bad. Girl, I was not getting out of that fucking bed. Like, you could not have convinced me. I kept telling her, I was like, what do you feel? And she was basically just saying what you feel when you have too much alcohol. And in my head, I was like, I know what she needs is to, like, throw up and then get a good meal in the morning and walk.
So I went and got water from Drew and gave her water and I was like I'll give it five minutes because I know damn well I'm gonna go get in that fucking car to drive the 25 minutes to the only pharmacy open and she's gonna throw up while I'm gone and I just watched her hobble back and forth shaking and then she ended up throwing up and she felt fine and I went back to sleep. I had a really horny dream but then I woke up and it was my reality.
No, I had a really sad dream last night, though. Dude, I had a fucked up dream. And I explained it to Kai, and Kai literally had zero reaction to it. And I was like, fuck you. Oh, I think I told you. Well, it's because in his time, he's heard a lot of dreams. Drake literally was in my dream. Like, one, he was, like, hitting on me. He was, like, in love with me. It was a PTSD-ridden dream. No, it was, like, sexy hot, like Drake. Wait, but you've had...
I thought you had sex with Drake. I did. That's why I'm saying I'm dreaming. Oh, yeah. It was like good. And then he was like filming me on like a video tape recorder. And then there was like a hole in the ground. Oh, my God. I literally almost pissed myself in my dream. Like, well, I did pee in my dream, but I had to.
If you see one of these, do not use that motherfucker. Do not use that motherfucker in the dream. And it was like a urinal, like this big on the ground. And I had to like lift up a piece of carpet because it was also surrounded by carpet. And I missed a little and pissed into the carpet. And I like started peeing in the hole. And I was like, then my like, oh, I don't even know. Like my reality brain was like, wait, like we're pissing in a dream right now. We need to wake up. So I woke up. Yeah, that's my life.
I had a dream that I was dating someone and that they were being really mean to me. And it scared me. And I woke up and I was like, that's it. That's all I'll give. That's the only context I'll give. That made you really horny. Ew, did you say uck? Fuck. All right, well. How much time are we at, Kai?
Oh my god, literally time does... We've been talking for five minutes? It's like the kilometers, the pesos to USD, the kilometers to miles per hour. Should I twerk on you for the rest of the episode? Minutes are slower here. I'm gonna twerk on Drew. Technically, we're three years old on Saturn, right? There's no way your mom didn't do meth with you in her stomach. There's like actually no way.
Where the fuck did that come from? I really want to know. I know, like, the conversation we had about it in the car. That was Kai's, like, bar, I think. I don't even remember anymore. I don't even, like, literally...
We all are minors on Saturn. If you think about the orbit of it around the sun, we are all minors. The thing is, am I really only 16? Well, actually, I literally am a minor. I am a minor. I'm turning 16 in March. I keep forgetting that. I'm only 15. Guys, I'm literally only 15. I'm so traveled for a 15-year-old. Yeah, you're fucking turned out. Neurodivergent.
In Kai's dream. Okay, the only note I have already talked about. I was trying to tell Drew how to translate things. I'm trying to think of anything else that's happened on this trip, but that's kind of been it. I've just found out that I'm like sexy as fuck here. That's a lie. I literally haven't been hit on like that, which is like really sad because I am very sexy. No, I get hit on a bunch. You know what it is? It's because I'm with y'all.
It's probably because I'm with Jester and people think me and Jester are like dating slay. That's a lie. That is not the fact. That is not the fact of the matter. That's actually Jester is my long lost cousin.
That's my prima. No, that's my prim. It's so funny at the table. Also, for context, Jester's our non-binary homie. And we were sitting at the table and Jester kept saying who we all were to them. So they were like, pointed to me, it was like, hermana. And like, pointed to Lisa, it was like, mija. And to Drew, it was like, mijo. And then to Drew, it was like, papa.
It was like, or Takai. It was like, Papa. And then, like, the waiter came with the horchata and was like, who's this for? He was like, Papa. And, like, pointed to Kai. And then Drew tried to do the same thing and pointed to me and said, Mija. And then pointed to Justin and went, me. Me.
Me. Because how do you get... I don't know how to get around that. If anybody has any... Tips. Any tips. Me X. It's so fucking pretty out here. I'm about to pull my fucking coochie out. What? Wait, should I give my... Should I pull my coochie out and give it a big rub it up? Give her a little look. No, give her a look. Give her a taste. Give her a look. She wants to see. Oh my God, I'm wearing Abercrombie and... This is gross. I'm wearing Abercrombie and Fitch shorts and literally my big fucking papaya is like...
Like, pushing. Like, I feel like I'm crowning. I'm literally, my coochie is crowning at my knees. No, you're chafing the insides. I know. My coochie is, like, grabbing all the fabric and sucking it up like a little vortex. But that's enough about my coochie. Oh, also, I will give an update. I don't have a UTI. I don't know what was up with my coochie, but, like, for two days, like, she was just not, like, not on her best behavior. You, one, I think you said that before. Two. No, I did not. There's no way I said that.
I probably said it. No, go ahead. Fucking say it. No, I said it in public. I didn't say it on the... Well, this is public. I didn't say it on the podcast. No, go. Go for it. No, no, no, no, no. It's not even my joke. No, but say it. You just took up a 30 second. Say it. What if Elon Musk is an alien trying to get back to his home planet?
She's gonna impale me on these fucking spikes and she's gonna put my head on it. Like, I can't believe the things, like, you only get so many words in your lifetime to say and the ones you choose to put out are insane. Or the best fucking words. Ever. Point blank period. The best words. I don't know. There's no competition. Don't do that. You're gonna fuck up the mics. I mean, I like, I am freaking the fuck out because I am literally withdrawing from alcohol. Like...
No, the alcohol here, like, they see me and they're like, okay, you're a little too drunk. We're going to give you reverse alcohol. And they give you a shot of, like, something that tastes like alcohol but absorbs all your drunkness. It happened to me twice. I will say, whatever was in our drinks yesterday, I had half of mine and I was like, no. You know, also, I realized because when we were at lunch just now and I had half of my margarita, this is going to sound so stupid and obvious because alcohol is...
technically it dehydrates you but that's why my contacts were getting so fucking dry was because i was drinking that margarita my contacts were already dry when i got to the table so i just kept drinking and like being like oh if i get past the sleepy stages like i'll get drunk and i can go out but as i kept drinking my contacts just kept drying and drying and drying and that's what i just figured out is that the things you put in your body do have effects i haven't found that with wiener
Penis. Can I have a penis calada, please? Un penis calada. Un penis culo, please. He said, oh my god, un penis culito, please. That's good. Gracias. That's not good. Gracias. Un pina culito, please.
Un pezón en mi culo. That doesn't... That means nipple. Like, we already went over this. No, I know. I just like saying it. Okay, well, I think that's it for this episode because we literally have nothing else to talk about. We are so brain dead. No, no media this week. Sorry, guys. Peace and love. No media. I've just been off my phone because I've been living life. I have also been off my phone. I'm going to give y'all...
I want to stand up to go get my phone, but my whole coochie will be out because I definitely have a big fat camel toe right now. Okay. How do you say the new Echo song? Why are you looking? Oh my God. Kai was literally just looking. No, he did not. He was. And Miss Camel. What was the other thing? Oh, when I was sitting on the couch and he looked at my butt and he was like, you're going to fart on me. And he literally looked at my fucking hole right in the eye. He did. It was crazy. Kai wants to.
wants to get eye contact with my holes it's crazy actually the the looking hole that's what he threw the looking glass through the looking glass can you give me my phone from over there um behind you in my bag okay well i am gonna say i've already said all these song the new blade and echo song is really sick amy is that the one i think you can do that oh kai's wearing different pants today i kinda
I lied to me and when we were at the airport cuz we were at the airport alone together for a minute cuz you had to like I had to go somewhere else to drink my bag and he came with me yes during TSA they had to pat him down and I was like no I'll do it and I did pat Kai down but your mom I put a bunch of painkillers into my brother's soup when I was 14 years old and he overdosed wait a second I'm gonna end my life
The fucking reservation. Good thing we had an arcane. The reservation Finn got me, he got it on February 5th instead of March 5th. So I just got a text from Carbone saying, you're running an hour late. I'll text him. That's awful. But the new Blade song is really nice. Oh, by Ciara.
It's really nice. That's what Kai told me. Kai was like, he had a new shirt on and I was like, oh my god, finally, like, new shirt. Like, did you bring new shirts? And he lied to me and he said he had new shirts for every day he was here. Oh yeah, he was like, I got a new fit every fucking... Oh my god, man. This is so beautiful. I just can't get enough of it. It's making me really horny. It's fucking beautiful out here.
My songs of the week. I think I already said this in the last episode. I don't even remember. I didn't even finish. Oh, my God. He had so long. Am I tripping? No, because you literally talked over me for like 30 fucking minutes just now. How does it feel? It does not. You literally talk over me every fucking time I speak. Literally, when I... Fuck you, bitch. When I speak, Drew literally is like...
But it adds to the ambience. Like, yours just cuts me off viciously. Yours confuses me and makes it hard for me to focus. Um, this is romance Tommy Dorsey. I'm not kidding. I'm staying in Mexico. I'm not going back to LA. Find someone else to do the podcast. Girl, okay, cut. Actually, the podcast is mine. Cut. You go start another. Actually, that's another thing. They started a podcast without me. I went into the room and they were filming something without me. No. And they had their clothes on, so it wasn't sex again. We...
We did five episodes, they're all a minute long each. We're testing out a new format of podcasts. We'll play one here. Kai, there's beetles under the bed. Okay, uh, mic check. Kai, there's beetles under the bed. Episode one of Drew and Kai's competing podcast to Emergency Intercom, which is all about guy stuff. I tried to kill myself last week. Do you know why? I really wanted this to be, like, a fun one. Do you want to know why? Do you want to know how? How or why? How and why? You can choose one. Why? Why?
I woke up in the middle of the night. Okay. I walked into the kitchen and I saw what I thought was a ghost, but it was an intruder. And the intruder looked at me and spoke in tongue or binary or I couldn't describe it, but it was almost like a Morse code. Okay. Like clicking. And the clicks for some reason resonated with me. And they said, kill your family or kill yourself. Choose one.
So I tried to kill myself and it didn't work. And I later learned that it was a schizophrenic delusion. And now I am on antipsychotics. Okay, cool. Have you ever tried to kill yourself? I did. Yeah, I did attempt.
Alright guys, thanks for tuning in. You have to dive in. Please, please, please. There's only a minute. Please dive in. On the next episode. Oh my god. It just so happens that you always go first. What's the opposite of emergency intercom? Like, calm vibes. Thanks again guys for tuning in to Chill Out.
Quiet announcement. Let me know what you think. Actually, we probably won't put it on there. Stop it because I know there's going to be comments who are like, I would watch a podcast with just you two and I will kill myself. I will actually commit suicide. I will kill myself. And that is a threat to all of you. And I'm not kidding.
Girl, I would never leave you. I would never cheat on you. You know this. You would cheat on me. You're my only one. I swear to God. You're a slut. You would cheat on me. No, look at me in the eyes. I swear I would never ever do that to you. You look away. Why did you look away? You're a slut. Because I'm scared of eye contact with pretty women. I would never cheat on you.
I swear on my entire life. You're looking through me. I'm not. I'm looking at your beautiful brown eyes. My eyes are blue. Imagine. I would never cheat on you. Ew. True. You're scaring me. I think I said this last episode, but...
I'm getting used to you by Selena. I thought the camera said something. I was like, if we're not recording, I actually will jump off this building. I will literally jump onto the tower roof. I would go right out to the fucking cobblestone. I would know. The thing I would do is I would get on the next level up and dive. And then jump. Dive into the pool head first. I'm getting used to you by Selena. Unhappy by OutKast. I don't want to play around by Ace Spectrum. And for the hungry boy, Johnny Greenwood. Nice. And I have not watched...
Anything. I've just been, I've been watching this. That's what I said earlier. Like, why do we need entertainment? You kiss my fingers and they were all over this grubby ass floor. Um, I said this earlier, like, why do we need entertainment and movie and TV shows when our eyes are the television and what we see is the show and we should just absorb all the content around us. No, how the fuck do our eyes work? Like actually, like genuinely, like that does not make sense. Like,
Well, it's because after we got iPhones, we put them in our heads. No, it does not make fucking sense. Like, at all. Alright, well, thank you guys so much for watching. We'll be back next episode. They have Bluetooth towers here. I mean, 5G towers here. Okay, I'll see you guys next week. You can't escape it. I'll see you next week if I decide to go back to LA. Um, if I die young. No, if... When I die young, bury me in silence. Oh, satin, satin.
No, no. Bury me in satin, lay me down in a bed of satin. On a bed of roses. Fucker, motherfucker. I don't fucking know. I was singing it right. That's the thing. Girl. Okay. I know, I keep getting closer and closer to the edge. It's my fucking secret. I have to fix my big coochie. Maybe we just do a moment like this where we look over. My ass looks really flat in these because they're kids' shorts. Don't look. Kai is looking at my butt again. Keep going. Life...
is like a movie. Life is like a box of chocolates. Life is like a box of chocolates. Life can be whatever you want it to be. Wait, I wonder where the chapel is. We didn't get to see it. Life can be in imagination. Caca-poop-poop-peep-peep-toot-dooh.
Damn, it's really pretty out here. It actually is fucking beautiful. I lucky wish we had an extra day because then we could have just stayed in like this hotel. Girl, I'm literally changing my flight. I'm like not even joking. I think you should. I'm not kidding. Really? Actually? Yeah. Say one more day. But I couldn't get back to the airport. How the fuck would I get back to the airport? You were there. Actually, yeah. But I guess technically Kai would probably want to stay too. Kai, would you stay another day? But then how would we extend the car? I think typically you could keep the car for a day and just take it back. Yeah.
I mean, that's much... A lot to think about. Lots to think... Yeah, why not leave tomorrow night? Low-key vibe. Like, if anything, see if you can change your flight to later. Alright. I want to go...
and climb that mountain. I want to get to the top of it. You see that cross up there? You watch Free Solo once and you think you're going to do that. I could Free Solo these fucking mountains. I swear to God, I could. I'm not even joking. You think that guy could Free Solo these? He would look at these and scoff. He would be like, these are the easiest fucking mountains. He'd be like, I'm getting up there in two minutes. Yeah. No, I actually think I could. That's not even a joke. No, you couldn't. I could get up there. No, I swear to God, I could get up to the top if I wanted to.
That's, I'm not even saying that. But you want to and you're not doing it. That's the funny part. Well, that's, there's a difference between want and can. Like, I can. There's a difference between what you want and you need. And I need you. He needs me. He needs me. She needs me. He needs me.
Look, you see that thing right there? The pool? No, that's not a pool. It's like to wash your clothes. But my grandma had one that was like cemented in the ground in Honduras. And I used to get in it and I would call it like a piscina because I thought it was a pool. And I'd be like, can I please get in it? And I would get in it all the time. And then I got too big and she'd be like, stop fucking around with me. You're going to break my shit.
You're gonna break my balls. You've been busting my balls recently. You've been busting my fucking balls. I'll bust you balls again. My wife. Are you gonna buy me something nice at the market or what? I've got a thousand more pesos to spend. Are you gonna spend them on me? We'll see. If you're nice. What are you gonna give me tonight? I can give you something. What are you gonna give me tonight? I can give you something today.
This is probably such a strange vibe. The thing is, for a second, I forgot we were like... I literally just like called and he was talking. After I said the imagination thing, like I forgot I was on camera. Like actually. All right. Imagine all the... Wait, I have this idea. Okay, so you know how COVID is like happening? What if me, you, and all of our influencer friends sang...
the song Imagine. Imagine all the people. And we put it out on the internet. And we were like, we're all, look, look, look, I may be a celebrity, but we are in this together. We're just people. We're people too. I will say. Our life is affected just as much as yours. No, I'm going to be honest. I think I'm better than most people. Okay, sorry, sue me, sue me. I'm not kidding. Like,
Okay, you're going to tell me that I'm not better than most people. I agree. I really am. Like, look at me. I'm on camera right now. I do what I want. I live how I... I'm sorry, guys. Like, I'm better than you. Especially Kai. I'm better than Kai. Sorry. He can fucking hear you. No, he can't. He literally... We're in his head. If I screamed right now, it'd be over. Okay, should we both scream? Wait, should we... I don't know if we should because... No, yeah, we won't because there's other people. No!
Bottle flip challenge. Let's get out of here. Dingy card challenge. Thank you guys so much for watching. Sorry about this. Next time you see us, we'll be in Brazil. Wait, someone commented and was like, Drew's low-key been giving Jesus recently, slowly transforming into Jesus. And someone was like, no, he's quickly becoming Jesus. And then someone was like, you know it's... Drew's fucking...
And then someone was like, it's crazy. He's making them up. And then someone was like, it's crazy because the next episode he'll probably be recording in front of a lake or something. Oh, someone did say that, but there is no lake. It's just mountains. Yeah. We're in the most beautiful place on earth. I thought you were going to try and bottle challenge that over my head. Okay, bye guys. Imagine I just lost it and I just pushed.
And I recorded all the way down, and I was like, and yeah, why would you do this to me? No, he swings the mic cable and, like, lassoes me and, like, grabs me. And it slingshots me back up, and I'm like, don't fuck with me, bitch. No, but, like, the mic... Don't fuck with me. The mic cable is still on me, and you give me a chance, and you pull me up, and you're like, don't fuck with me, and then you push me back down. And then I, what is it, uh...
PJ you in Spider-Man. What's your name, PJ? No, what the fuck? You BJ me. No, what's the girl? MJ. I MJ you. By Andrew Garfield type beat? Yeah, but instead of it being spider web, it's cable and you like snap at the bottom. But I still hit my head and I die. No, but you wake up in another reality. Okay, no. Bye, guys. Bye. Bye. Bye.
