C02 - Ep. 46 - Finale in Faunaloch - Tempoor Unfortunate Souls
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Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.

Good afternoon, all you Angotras. I animate into the stinky dragon and buy my newest brood.

sight until the bitter end. It's a mixture of ancestral almond milk, burial butter, bound brown sugar, vanilla spirit extract, and a cloth full of scabrous cinnamon. One gulp of this gazing guzzler will take you from entombed to exhumed in no time. Give or take,

ten years. Previously, our adventurers vamoosed out of the violently vibrating vamp spire. While inside the tumbling tower, the party revived their rogue, recovered the countess, mended Eddie, saved Benicia's bacon, extracted Quiffly, heisted some hemo pieces, and freed the Farney family. Lastly, they leaped aboard the grotesque express with

with an enigmatic elf. Bring over a brew. Let's buckle up for this bedtime tale. Hello, everyone. I'm Gustavo Sorolla, the Dungeon Master of our disgusting putrid party. I'm going to hit our four players with an arrow. I grab it and break it in half. This week's roleplay and warm-up question is, which of the following is most important to your character? Health, wealth, or happiness?

I'll go first. Go for it. Hey there, it's Chip Haney, voiced by this guy, Blaine Gibson. I am a level nine tiefling rogue, volunteer fighter, fighter, ex-assassin, and widower. And I say that the most important thing is health, because you can't have wealth or the other thing that I forgot. Happiness. Happiness without it. You got to be mentally strong. You got to be...

physically strong. Cause how are you going to make your bank? I take two ready. And how are you going to make your bank? If you can't lift it, how are you going to get your money? If you can't cut it, honey, honey, please go to someone else. I think it's actually very apt that chip would say health because it's actually a statistical fact that widowers are

survive shorter than widows. Oh, really? Yeah. That's really sad. Wow. What an inadvertent dig at Chip. Like in many ways. You're going to die sooner. Don't worry, Chip. You won't be alone that long. That's the worst statistic I think I can hear today. Hi, I'm Chris Damaris and I play Barney Farney, the level nine human cleric. And

Health, wealth, or happiness. It's happiness because, well, I don't care much for money. The only thing I'd use money for is to make the people I care about happy. Wow. And then health, well, I think it's okay. Just someone cannot be healthy.

As long as they're happy, then that's okay. That's beautiful. So you're fine being poor and sick as long as you have a smile on your face. Sounds like it. Yeah. As long as I'm happy with the people that make me happy. Okay. Yeah.

I'll go next. Me, Barbara Dunkelman, the voice of Elga Von Brath, the female half-elf vampire barbarian level nine. It sounded like it was all cut together. Maybe it was. Maybe you guys are using snippets of my voice to make this speech pattern. Maybe I'm not here. Barbara couldn't be here today, so we asked ChatGPT to play us her. Just a soundboard that has Barb thing just saying like, bet, bet.

I just speak randomly during the episode. And you know, Elga thinks all these things are very important. Some might think that she would value wealth based on where she was living. Because she's a nepo baby? No. But ultimately, I think Elga agrees with Barney that happiness is the most important. Ah, father-daughter. Because...

Because no matter what else you have... Happiness is just all you need. Because you could be in any situation... But as long as you have a smile on your face... It's okay. Okay. I feel like...

this whole discovery and like going to Elga's home, it's like being a little kid and you like go to your friend's house for the first time. You're like, oh, wow, my friend's rich. I had no idea. I'm imagining the movie Richie Rich where they all come over and it's like he's got a water slide and McDonald's in his house and like all this stuff. That's Elga. I had a few friends like that growing up. I was like,

Whoa, your pool is a saltwater pool that has like a beach kind of gradation into it and a waterfall alcove with LED lighting. We got a Nintendo at home. But N64 is out already. I had a friend who they had every snack imaginable. Every dessert is like a grocery store. And so, you know, I

As a little kid, it was amazing. So I would like, like my friend, I would take stuff home. No, my friend would be like, here, you can have some. And then I'd take some home with me. Chris has been filling his bags with candy and chocolate ever since he was a kid. Is this where your hoarding began? No, no. But then I also like sooner my little brother, I was like, I was like, what do you want? I'll get, you know? And so I was like getting, going back with all these snacks and my mom found out and she was mortified. I bet. She was like, yeah, I would be too if I was, if I was the parent. Yeah.

It's like, you cannot be taking like, I was like, but they have the best. All you're trying to do as a parent is not like, not all you're trying to do, but what you're trying to, one of the things you're trying to do as a parent is like your kids, not to completely embarrass you in front of other parents, because you know that you're a bad parent because every parent thinks that, and then you just need your kids not to confront you.

Affirm it. Also, I just want to point out the irony of Elga saying happiness is most important when she's a barbarian and is full of rage. Well, maybe that's what makes Elga happy. That's true. Killing. The juxtaposition. Murder. Yeah. Bonjour. My name is John Reisinger and I play Matide Conficis. He is an air cockering ghost monk and...

I pick option four, chocolate. Chocolate. Which also is happiness, by the way. Yes, it is. Chocolate. But honestly, if I were to answer the question, like, I'll take the money. I can figure out the rest elsewhere. But if you want to give me the money right now, I'll take it. Is it, is it a... This makes sense based on how Matide responded to the chest of chemo pieces on the floor in the last episode. Listen, I am a small

business owner and it is a aggressive economy out there right now and Atro City is just not working out as well as I want to right now and so I'm hoping to franchise very soon. So a nice little loan would work out Mr. Arrow. That's his name? Mr. Arrow? I don't know. Whoever this gentleman that's in this booth with me that's asking this question. Mr. Arrow. Micah says that it's actually the economy in Groteth. That's not bad. Get out.

Yeah, it's very apparent. There's not enough rogues in this party if only one person said money or wealth. Is that a dig at me? Just saying. Just saying. Not enough. Listen, you can't. You literally can't have the other things if you don't have health. I'll fight this to the grave. To the death? To the death. It's true. Health is very important. Health is very important. Go take care of yourself. Go for a walk if you're listening at home. And maybe you'll find some hemo pieces out on the ground as you're walking around as our friend Matit did.

As everyone catches their breath, the Countess opens the train car door and urges all of you inside with a nod of her head.

The Countess closes the door and you find yourselves in a train car stacked with luggage and box supplies. She sets down on a nearby crate. As I was trying to explain earlier, I'm not really a Countess. I'm an agent of a covert organization called SHIEF. We are protectors of a great secret that must be guarded at all costs. That's why we're headed to Fonolok. My name is not von Braath. It's Tempur. Sedate Tempur.

Have we heard that name before? This has been eating me up. Make a wisdom check. Okay. Well, like, if you think about, like, the Latin, like, what is it? Sedate, tempers, time. So, like, sleepy time. I don't know. A 16 on that wisdom check. You can't recall ever having heard this name before. Okay. It's a mystery. Elga, you know her as mom. Oh, okay.

Do I? Yes, you do. Well, she left a long time ago. After an exhausting, traumatizing day, you all decide to rest for the night in the sleeper car. Oh, we'll take it. So everyone can take a long rest. Yay! This is our first one in what feels like... I don't think we did a long rest in Vania. You're just always running. Do I recover my exhaustion level? Yes, after a long rest you do. Okay. And you all decide to rendezvous in the morning in the dining car for a little brekkie. Brekkie?

For our Australian listeners. I could use a second breakfast right now. Are we in a place where we can openly talk about private matters? Well, I would say that you walk into the dining car, Chip, and you see your compatriots sitting down and... First of all, this is completely inaccurate, impossible. Chip would be the first one there waiting 20 minutes before everyone else would get there. Okay, in that case, Chip, you're sitting alone in the dining car. The only other...

The only other person in the dining car is a brawny disgruntled orc train conductor with ferocious eyebrows wearing a blue vest with a name tag. I know that guy. You recognize him as Disp. He's slowly cleaning up, wiping the counters down, giving you a glance every now and then. I just want to point out, this is hilarious, that Blaine had the opportunity for us all to be there, but now he's alone in a train car with the conductor and he doesn't have a ticket.

*laughs* She just knows me. *laughs*

I'd be forthright with this. Disf- I don't have a ticket, but I'm happy to help. You seem to be cleaning up, and as a train conductor, you have bigger matters to go to. So let me hear you. Shoo shoo! It's fine. It's my last day on the job anyway. What?! That's sad. I can't- Where are you going? Oh, I'm finally realizing my dream. Gonna become a professor at Lofton College in Natural City. Oh! Yep. Gonna be teaching transmutation.

Is that like a subversion of transportation? Because you know you're so good at that with the trains. As Disp kind of sighs, letting out a gust of air, your compatriots walk in. It must be opening time for the dining car because the rest of your party walks in. I walk in and I address Chip and I go, finally you're here. I was here earlier and you were here so I left for a bit. Okay, okay.

As you're waiting there, Zuzu Top also walks in. Oh, we've been traveling across Groteth to get away from the riots in Atro City along with my cousin Lizzie. She's still asleep, though. Wait, riots because why? Oh, those ordees think the Abraleans are behind the Wolfman's murder. Still? And so they're...

Because there's not a lot of Abrilians in Atro City, are there? No, not a ton. So they're just rioting by themselves? They are rioting in Area 15, trying to get us out of there. Just blame us. That's what I tried to do. Tell you what.

Why don't we all have a round of soda pop in honor of the Wolfman? It's the morning. What are you doing? That's the perfect time for soda pop. When do you drink yours? I don't. I... Monsieur, d'oeufs un café, s'il vous plaît. I'll take...

Mateeds. Disp starts making one cafe for Mateed. And Zuzu starts popping open some bottles of soda pop. Two for Barney, apparently. Nice. Elga or Chip, y'all want one? Sure, I'll take one. I'll break a cake, you know. A little sugary for my, you know, I prefer health over happiness and wealth, but what the heck. To be fair, fun fact, my girlfriend, one of her favorite beverages to have with a bowl of cereal is a Coke.

It actually kind of works. We should talk to her about that. I will refrain from commenting because I like your girlfriend. So Zuzu pours out four soda pops, one for Chip, one for Elga, two for Barney. And you see it and you remember, I think Barney, you may have had one before. It's a fizzing blue viscous liquid with squishy chunks floating inside of it. Zuzu pours one for himself as well, raises it and says, to the Wolfman! And then downs it in one big gulp. To the Wolfman! To the Wolfman! Oh!

Elga does the thing where she like puts her finger in and like licks it. Oh, I forgot. It's about blood. Sorry.

Barney do you drink both at the same time? No, I think you drink one and then like hold out the other one in case anyone wants seconds Chip do you just sip at yours or do you down the whole thing at once? I want to check if there's anything in it. Just just a little brat Yeah, there's like squishy chunks floating in it. I know but it's like a poison. Am I gonna die? You can check it. You just saw him open in front of you But if you want to check it for poison you can yeah, I'll do it. What do I do? We're all

Make an Arcana check on him. How are you checking it for poison? I'm just curious. I don't know. As an assassin, I think I'd recognize the sense. I think Chip has experience with poison, so I think he would know with an Arcana check. Arcana. That's a 22. You don't think it's poison, but you don't think it would be something good for you to drink. Okay. I do that thing where I purse my lips and I don't like liquid pass. It just kind of catches caught in my mustache. In that case, only Barney makes a constitution saving throw.

All right. Oh, 10. Barney, you down it. I think Barney would actually probably like it. It tastes like black licorice and artichoke. Ew. Yum. That means you're going to poop. Barney, you know, downs it, looks around, smiling at everybody. And as you all are looking at him, in the middle of his forehead, a third eyeball opens up. On Barney? Yeah. Barney. What? And at the same time, both of his ears fall off the side of his head down onto the table. You've never looked better. Can't you still?

without your ears? What do you mean? I can't hear you. What are you talking about? I don't notice a difference with Barney. What? I would say you still have limited hearing. It's like you still have the ear holes in the side of your head. You just don't have the ear lobes to funnel sound in. Is he looking more like an abrillion? He looks unusual, for sure. What do you say about my hearing? So you look...

And Elga does the thing where she like nods to everyone and points. Like, right, everyone? Doesn't Barney look great? Yeah. He looks the same. I think you all look great too. And I've never seen you. You look so crisp and clear. Would an extra eye give him like advantage on anything? It would give him disadvantage on the three stooges I poke. Yeah, because he's got three to defend now. Advantage on intimidating children. I think like perception maybe.

Advantage on 3D movies. There you go. 4D. I think he would see more colors. He'd have more colors. He only sees the auras in the third eye, though. In the back of the car is Sedate pacing back and forth by an empty booth. Could I go up and talk to her? Yeah, she's, like we said before, she's an elvish woman with dark features, black hair. Right now she's wearing a navy cloak and matching double-breasted tunic, eggplant pants, leather boots, and around her neck is a red ascot.

That must smell. Eggplant pants. This pants made out of eggplant. Yeah, she sees you approaching and, you know, stops pacing for a moment to look at you, Elga. Hello, Mother. I mean, Miss Templar. Oh. You said you're from Sheath. Have you been following us at all, or do you know what we've been...

Chip's gonna walk up. He was gonna give you guys distance because I know you probably had some things to say about your mom, but if we're talking about Carol. So were you guys like partners? Did you guys like know each other back in the day? Yeah.

However, I didn't spend a lot of time with her. She was recruited as a double agent to gather information about Eddie and what he was up to. I have so many questions. When did I first come to Vania? Well, that's a long story. I was sent by Sheath to go undercover and get close to Hugo. I needed to find out what he knew about Sheath and what we were doing.

In order to avoid suspicion, I had to play the long game, and it took decades before he was able to trust me. Then he asked me to marry him and become a countess. Not long after we were married, I became pregnant with a child, and nine months later, I was giving birth. During that process, I was given an elixir which helped with the pain but lessened my faculties.

Next thing I know, I'm being given two twin baby girls. But something felt wrong. Hugo was acting strange, even more so than usual, always looking at me curiously. And in my stupor, I must have said something to blow my cover. He never left me alone again. Huh. So you gave birth to me?

No, your sister. I think you've been... She was fooled. Yeah, she was fooled. Most likely. So what's Sheath's position on Dagger? I can't say too much about Sheath. Well, too much specifically, unless the director gives me approval. I'm hoping that we can speak to the director by infiltrating Fonolok to reach the secret entrance of the headquarters, which is where we're going now.

So why would someone give you Elga? Hugo held many secrets. Some I was able to ascertain and get information on, and some he never fully divulged to me. And is it true that Elga is my calliope? When I was first given Elga, I was very out of it.

Hugo never told me anything other than that she was my daughter that I gave birth to. And that was just a baby? Yes. You were a small baby at the time. Well, Elga, if it's true, I'm sorry. Well, Barnard, I mean, I guess, Dad, I don't really...

I don't really know what to call you. You... I'm not... I don't feel like I deserve to be your dad because I wasn't there for you and I know you already have a dad and I know I don't care for him much because he is... He did do not a great stuff but I... I haven't been... I haven't been around so I don't think... I don't know.

That makes two of us who are not a big fan of my previous dad. Sadate says, I'd like to join in on that too. And I really wish we had successfully drained his bank account. That would have been extra. So I know that there's a lot. Hey, from one secret assassin agent person to another, there's not a lot of stuff that you can share. But if we're going to be helping each other out, then we need to have a little give and take. So have we encountered any other sheath agents other than Carol?

I don't have exact details on your adventures.

As far as I know, there were no others. But if you find out otherwise, I'm not deceiving you. I genuinely don't know. Okay. And Dewey, can you tell us who the director is? I can't divulge that unless I have express approval. Do we remember if we've ever seen someone else with eggplant pants? Because you describing eggplant pants sounds familiar. Eggplant pants. Make me a wisdom check, Barbara. Or Elga. Barbara. Elga. Elga.

I'm talking to Barbara. We're trying to figure out Elga's memories. 16. You don't recall seeing eggplant pants in the past, or you can't place ever having seen anything like that. This is confusing. So if Ugo was... Ugo. Ugo. Yes. Juice. Ugo is there. That is his name.

If that gentleman, who I will not say his name again so that Gustavo does not laugh at me again. Sorry, Mateed. He was in the coffin of the jail because he had let you, Elga, go to Atrocity.

Why did he let you go to Atro City if he's such like a villainous man? And he then got himself absconded by the authorities. It seems like maybe he was playing the long game of wanting to get locked up so that everyone would be gathered in the same place, all the important people, and Eddie would free him and then they would recap.

Why did the spire fall? Did we figure that out? It's probably something to do with all the lakes and the rivers drying up. And then also, going off of what Elga's assumption is, if it seemed like Dracula was kind of, like, hidden away because he was remorseful for his actions and his, you know, partnership with Ugo...

You know, a trial could be a way of bringing him out of hiding. He was in his room. He wasn't hiding very well. Do you know anything about me or my family or why, like, how he came to be here? I know that Hugo was a cruel person, and he often extracted cruelty as punishment on people.

Could be your family crossed him and this was his way of exacting revenge. But he also killed D-Dragon's? As far as I know, but that was before my time. Because I know a D-Dragon, I think, and I don't know why.

We've met a couple I think We met that one guy There's one That one that came From my watch We also Didn't we go down Into like a dragon belly Or something like that Yeah there was like A dragon broden graveyard We were searching For something We fought a guy But then Eddie Got involved And then

Because Phoenix was... No, Phoenix wasn't there. Phoenix was later. Wait, what was the thing about your watch? He made the lost is gone, the time of twilight, whatever his thing he said. Whenever we were fighting the... Phoenix. Phoenix.

But they knew.

Newbie and my family. Okay, so here's the thing. One of Carol's dying wishes was that I complete her mission. And I know that I'm not officially inducted into Sheath, but...

It seems like whatever Carol was doing has to do with whatever you're doing. You know, she has one collective mission for the greater good, I'm assuming. You're going to have to fill us in on things that we don't know about. So what else is left on the table that you haven't told us? Because I'm here to complete my wife's mission. To flesh it out just a little bit more, it's not much, but when I learned of Carol's death and that Eddie and Hugo were responsible, that was what motivated me to return to Vania.

no matter what the personal risks were, which is when you all encountered me at the triclinium. I knew I was in danger because in the past one night, Hugo came home blood drunken, which was not unusual for him, but he was also in an insatiable rage going on and on about how the clans had ruined his plans. When I inquired, he lost it, and I knew my mission was compromised and my life was in danger.

That's when I tried to take Elga and Avena with me, but I was no match for a ravenous and enraged vampire. So I ran for my life and returned to Sheath headquarters. Time passed, and then that's when I returned to Vania. I have a question too. So, I assume at some point, Avena was pretty normal, but she's acting very weird.

This past couple days. Do you know what happened to her or why she's like this? That was not the Avena I remember. No, me neither. So it has nothing to do with the stuff that you were taking that kind of drugged you up during the pregnancy? That's not some sort of like super soldier serum? I don't think so. Avena, she's not a vampire, but Elga is. How does that work?

Especially if, you know, hundreds of years have passed. How is, I mean, I know that Avena is an elf, but elves don't just stay still in time during their youths. You know, they grow up and then they kind of, you know, this doesn't make sense. Why is she still a little girl? There may be other magics at play that occurred during my absence that would explain that. You know what would be super helpful, gang, is if we had like a map of who the enemies are. So we know Hugh goes up there. We know Eddie for sure. Is Avena in league with them?

I mean, it seemed like she was fighting with him. She appeared to be. Okay. But that is not really her. I don't know. That book we found with the ancient writings and everything like that, maybe she got into some funny business and kind of, you know, influenced the way she was thinking. Choo-choo!

Next stop, Sonolok. Next stop, Sonolok. Dis we're talking! Hey, go back to your studies! Outside the windows you see lush trees, both broadleaf and coniferous, whizzing past the train, and you feel the momentum of the train beginning to decelerate. Those trees eat meat. Okay, well, are there any other enemies that we need to be aware of? Oh, yes, we. On your little board, can we put Miss Lofty Bottom on zero? I agree.

Sheath's number one public enemy. Getting through Fonolock will be difficult, but we'll deal with those situations as they pop up. In Fonolock, what are we trying to stop Hugo from doing what? We are going to Sheath headquarters. Then hopefully the director will give me approval and I can divulge further information on what's happening. One last question for you, Mother-ish.

Do you know anything about Benicia Wolfman, why she was locked up in the VAMS fire? Who could have done that? That seems like something that Hugo did. I wouldn't put it past him, but I don't know. I had just arrived at the VAMS fire and had started my investigation when everything happened.

There might have been a Vena working under or Eddie working for Hugo because he was incarcerated at the time. I'm just wondering why they would take her daughter. Like maybe it's some type of blackmail or like... Yeah. The train comes to a stop at Fauna Lock Station. Wait, really quick. Where's the alchemist and is he a sheath agent? The alchemist is most likely asleep with Francesca on the train. Ah, Francesca. Hmm. Well...

You guys want to go to Sheath's headquarters? Because we got a lot of... We got to keep pulling this yarn. Just do it. Does Barney know where, like, Marnie... Marnie would be on the train, too. I assume you left her in the, like, the sleeping cart. Well, because I don't think Barney would just get off the train and leave them. Yeah. So, I...

On a meta level. No, I was going to make a joke about that's what you did last time. But I did it. I did it. We heard it though. I know. Well, technically I think they were taken from him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They left. So Barney wants to go talk with his family before we go. Barney, you journey down the train until you find the sleeper car your family's in. Upon entering, Barney and your two boys look up at you with smiles. Barney, boys, boys.

I'm sorry, but I have to go. What? But we just found each other! It's just for a little while, I promise. You see, Elga, I mean Calliope, she has some unfinished business. And that means, well, I do too. Because as much as I want to stay here with you and the boys where it's safe, well, Calliope, Chip, and Mateed, they'll be in danger.

And I'm not wasting a minute more of my life being safe while the people I love need me. Barney, Barney, you make sure she comes back to us. Both of you. I promise. And Stinker, you stay here. Look after them. And Barney embraces his family one last time and then leaves. Barney, as you leave the train car, Sadate approaches and says, They'll be safe on the train.

We will return to them after meeting with the director Chip puts his hand on Barney and says uh Barney I know that if I had a chance to be with Carol again I'd take it in a heartbeat Are you sure this is what you want? I-I but I can't I don't want to leave Elga

Or you. Well... The bird I'm okay with. Oh, my God. I could go either way with the bird. Palpable. Matide's just drinking their coffee and enjoying their time. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Matide is not. Matide is enjoying their coffee and enjoying their time. Barney, it's okay. They'll be safe on this train, and you, Mitch, and Matide, all best friends, will go... Right, Matide? ...will go to discover the sheath situation. No one's casting Zone of Truth right now, right? Ha ha ha ha ha.

Because I have to we have to find out what you know help I'll go with her family and we're a family as well Elga and and chip with our pet bird I'm just I'm just kidding up my teeth. No the barn is families back Martin is all full of the chuckles I do

genuinely care deeply for you and the fact that you've come and helped me save my family means more to me than anything I could say. That's a very sincere sentiment from Barney. Wow. Matit smiles. Yeah. Alright, so everyone's getting off the train? Yes. And, you know, this kind of reminds me, you know, it was a flawed movie for many reasons, but I thought one of the interesting things about The Eternals was the Kumail Nanjiani character at the end of the movie, just like

Like, I'm not going to fight. I'm not going to take part in this. Yeah. And that's kind of like where, like, the inflection point Barney's at, right? Barney just stays on the train while the three of us go. That's why I kind of, you know, presented the choice a little bit. Yeah, I mean, I think he would in some ways, but because Elga. Yeah. No, it makes sense. All right, you all get off of the train, and everyone make me a perception check. Percepting.

Sixteen. Thirteen. Nineteen. Eleven. So, eleven Barney, thirteen Chip, sixteen Elga, and was that a nineteen Mateed? Bleh. Both Barney and Chip. The two of you get off the train, and you manage to avoid the steam cloud and take in your surroundings. Nary but a few streams of sunlight pierce the dense canopy of trees that now surround you.

The balmy forest floor is carpeted with twinkling toadstools, flamboyant flowers, and moist moss. Elga and Mateed, there's no noticeable trail or path headed in any particular direction. However, to the south you hear a tree falling. Sadate turns to you four and says, Sheath HQ is located in the hub of Fonalok, which is to the south. But we should tread carefully. The forest is protected by all manner of beasts and natural defenses. Which direction did the tree sound from? South.

So that's the direction that... I guess we were in the forest when a tree fell and we heard it. Solved that problem. So if like Dracula is to Vania, what is... Is Nessie the Fonolok kind of head on show? Yeah, who's the ruler of Fonolok? They showed up at the festival. Yes, that is correct. Okay.

So this is like forest, but also like there's going to be a big body of water, I'm assuming. Oh, look, there's a giant statue of a wonderful looking fear bog. Yes, loxessness would be the giant body of water you're referring to here. Cessness. Loxessness.

And that's what we were probably supposed to come over in that big ship, but all the water was dried out. Yeah, look at you. Correct? Yeah. Lock says this, not like landlocked. It's not a lock. Is all the water dried up here too? You're not by a body of water. You're not by the lock at the moment. I think Sedate is just hearing Chip talk about and speculate and confirming his suspicions about a big body of water. Hey, since I heard a tree fall...

Could I take a little fly up and see if I see anything else, like more trees falling or a hole? Yeah, you can get only so high because the canopy is very thick. But you can take a little bit of a peek, I should say. Sure. Yeah, you fly up and you see down to the south, like just more, well, in every direction, you see lots of trees of various types. But specifically to the south, you see a bunch of coniferous trees surrounding one large tree in the center. Ah.

Oh, this is where they have the unobtainium. What's coniferous? What does that mean? It's a type of tree. It's like pine cones. Yeah. Someone else went to primary school in Texas, I see. Oh, no. I like this place. This is nice. Yeah. Mateed would proceed south. All right. What's the weather? The weather. It's really humid and hot.

Chances of rain? Humid and hot. Yeah. Yeah, those are... Have you ever been to Florida or Texas? Yeah, but this is... Balmy. Is that better? Yeah, no, I'm just confused because that's not what I would have expected this place to feel like. It's almost like rainforest-ish. Oh, again, not what I would have expected. Do I see a cafe? No, the cafe's rolling way down the train tracks. Oh, is Jus fleeting? Oh, yeah, Jus is gone on the train. Bye, Jus! Good luck at...

That's a college. It's not Yampford. It's the other one. Guys, the college. He's getting a job as a professor. He's getting away. Lofton College. Teaching what? Transmutation. Oh, yeah. Look at that. Inspiration diaper chip. Oh, my God. Did it.

It's like the first inspiration I got. It wasn't a joke. For bonus points, what's the mascot of Lofton College? No, it wasn't a potato. I'm thinking of the yam for yams. The Lofton tubers. A tiger. Inspiration die for Elga. That was a good guess, Barbara. Are you kidding? Was it? I don't think we had said what it was. I was about to say, wow. Canonically, you just created it. Yay!

Also, Chris remembered Lofton College. I don't know if we want to... Yeah, he did, but I made my decision. I'm giving that one to Blaine. Fair enough. All right, yeah. So you've reached the forested northern border of Faunalok, which obviously that's why you're heading south.

Sedate says, there are magical natural hazards here, as well as some creatures we'll need to avoid as much as possible. Like what? Air roamers and defilins. I'll point them out when we see them, but hopefully we can avoid them. Efilums and woozles? Yeah.

Okay. Air roams and... Air roamers and defilins. Air roamers. That's Pokemon. Defilins must be like zeppelins, but they're like... Definitely zeppelins. Living, yeah. Let's all travel as quietly as possible. Oh. So everyone go ahead and make me a stealth check. Okay. Also, who's part of our gang? Is it just us and... It's you four and Sadate. Sadate. And not the alchemist and Francesca? No. Okay. They stayed. 14. 25. 29. 29.

At disadvantage, I got a 17. Wow. I didn't say this in our last episode, but with leveling up, I was able to add ability score modifiers. And so now Mateed has a 20 in dexterity and 18 in wisdom. Wow. And because of my, what item does it? Oh my God, you have pluses in everything. Because of my, I haven't, what item is it? I don't remember, but I have also, I'm 20 on constitution. That's cool.

But just so you know, Gus, still a plus one on intelligence. Oh. That's all. I wouldn't have my party any other way. Yeah. Next campaign, I'm going to be so smart. Yeah. So weak, just like just a little brain. Just a brain creature. Yeah, you all travel rather stealthily to the south, and you come upon a copse of coniferous trees surrounding a large broadleaf tree in the center. And at the base of the tree appears to be someone taking a nap. This is where they make the cookies.

What does the person or the creature look like? It's a baker, actually. It's actually true. A word I should have used. Without getting closer, it's hard to see exactly, but it looks to be like a smaller dwarf-sized humanoid.

Hey, Barney, you should do that like classic Barney whisper to wake them up. It's the most comforting way to awaken. Do you want to get into combat? Oh, is this this is a combat thing? No, I'm just saying waking somebody in that way. But it clearly puts them on the edge. I pointed to Dante and say, bad guy. She looks at it from a distance and like kind of narrows her eyes. It's hard to tell from here.

Bad guy. The tree, we're at the base of a, we are approaching that large tree that I saw. Correct. You're like at the border of a circular opening and the large tree is in the middle. How big? How large are we talking? Are we talking like there's a city in there or like, man, that's an old tree. Like a redwood? Old tree. It's probably, you know, looking at the trunk, it's

It's huge. You know, the trunk's probably seven or eight feet. Could Link have an adventure inside this tree? No, not that big. I'd say the trunk's probably eight to ten feet across, but the canopy itself is probably at the biggest...

50 to 60 feet. Okay. So just an impressive tree. Barney, go over, take a sit next to the tree and start whittling some wood like next to the person and like kind of loudly so they like might just kind of awaken the monkey. Yeah. I got to say, if I was taking a nap in the forest and I woke up to an old man whittling next to me with a knife, I would pee myself. Yeah.

Yeah, you walk over and sit down and start whittling. Is there any specific you want to whittle or anything you want to make? A knife, perhaps.

No. Oh, shit. Just like a little mushroom figurine. Yeah, Barney, you start whittling. Make some kind of check. Make a... I don't know what that is. I feel like there would be something better. While he's doing that, could I see what kind of clothes this person's wearing? Yeah, let me figure out his check and then I'll answer that. Make a dex check with proficiency, Barney. Make an unarmed strike versus this wilt.

So how does the proficiency work with decks? So just roll your deck check and then add your proficiency bonus, which is plus four. Okay. So that's 11 plus four would be 15. Yeah, you start really carving out a nice looking mushroom. Elga, make an investigation check. Am I close enough to do it with advantage? If you get close, I think so far Barney's the only one who said he's walked up. You're still at the edge of the clearing. I want to, sorry, I want to walk up. Okay. Very quietly. Okay.

12. I just got perplexed by a word that I found in D&D Beyond recently. Dice. No. I had a moment recently in a DM moment where I didn't know what kind of check to do for a hand-like thing, and I thought sleight of hand would make sense, but it didn't feel right. So a dex check for this kind of thing feels right, but on D&D Beyond, you can click on each of these checks and see the description of what they should be for.

However, there's a word in sleight of hand I've never heard before. And it says, whenever you attempt an act of leisure domain. Leisure domain. Leisure domain. Liger domain. Liger domain or manual trickery. I've never heard that word. That's such a fun word. I've never heard that either. Okay. It is a skillful use of one's hand when performing conjuring tricks is leisure domain. Okay.

Okay, cool. Fun word. Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt for learning good words. Word of the day. Yeah, pleasure to me. So, Elga, you had a 12-hour investigation. Yes. You know, you're looking, you know, Barney walks over, plops down, begins whittling a mushroom. And as you're looking, you see that, you know, like I said earlier, it's a smaller dwarf-sized humanoid. However, you notice the body's actually singed to a crisp and its hands are clutching onto a small metal box.

Barney just sat down next to a corpse. Is this person... Is this person dead? Most likely, yes. Could Barney not know this? I figured Barney doesn't know. Barney was so focused on whittling. Barney's sitting there whittling like, Hello there, stranger. Barney. Good morning. I have some awkward

awkward news to share with you, Barney. The person you're sitting next to is... Is a new friend! I can't wait to meet him. Well, you might be waiting a long time. His name is Bernie. We're going to have a weekend at his house. Could I go up and see what the box this person's holding? Yeah, both Elga and Barney, both of you make perception checks for me. Eighteen. Eight. I still think they're alive. Elga, the little hairs on the back of your neck begin standing straight up.

Okay. Danger sense? Chip and Mateed, you're watching this. You know, Barney's sitting down whittling a mushroom. Elga's, you know, looking at this small dwarf-sized humanoid when all of a sudden leaves begin falling down from the tree and lightning seems to form very quickly under the tree and then strike down the ground around it at the base.

Both Barney and Elga make me dexterity saving throws. This is a weird forest. We just got struck by lightning, essentially. Yes. Dexterity saving? Yeah. So you're saying you're thunderstruck? Got a nat 20, 22. That's a 12. Is that your... Is that you? Sandstorm? Yeah, did you make that? Is that you? Making that sandstorm? Sandstorm? Oh, the storm. It's not sand, it's lightning, Jip. Oh.

I'm just trying to make a call back. I'm just trying to say I know some of your combat moves because we are friends and I'm trying to make a joke. Lightning the moon because there's a dead guy and Barney's trying to make friends with him. And we're getting struck by lightning. Elgar, you dodge out of the way of the lightning leaves, but a couple of them fall on Barney and impact. How does that conduct with his metal armor? Not very great.

And so very well. Am I dexterous enough to also have pushed him out of the way? I'm going to say no, there wasn't enough time. Okay. Ooh, that's a lot. I finally just looked at the damage for this tree. Sorry. I got it. I got a lot of stuff to roll. And it seems to only have hit like in the vicinity of the tree, right? Correct. Like right under it. Wow. I hope that wasn't damage. Yeah. Uh,

a couple of the leaves fall on Barney. Lightning strikes. There's a loud thunderous boom and the tree or the lightning does 53 points of damage on Barney. Holy moly. Well, Barney, look at the bright side. You won't get struck twice. Elga grabs Barney by the like neck collar of his armor and pulls him out from away from the tree. We can't leave them.

It's not worth it. All of Elga's hairs are standing out on top of her head as she touches Barney. Barney uses, while he's being pulled away, he uses telekinetic reach to like pull the, what he thinks is that other person away from the tree. Yeah, you reach out and pull the person and their head falls off and their skull rolls around on the ground. And you pull the body still holding the box alongside with you.

Mateen and I are still just watching this. Just absolutely horrified. I mean, just a bad situation just keeps getting worse.

Could Elga look at the box? Yeah, it's a small metal box, which strangely appears to be intact. Could I pick it up and open it? What's in that box? If there's any symbols on it? Yeah, it's a plain metal box. Nothing's etched into it. You pick it up and... Marnie's head. Oh, no. No. I just watched that through for the first time recently. It's a good movie. It's a good movie. It's very good. I just realized I just hadn't watched that David Fincher one. Why did you roll 3D10, Gus? Oh, because you find 20 gold pieces. Oh!

Oh. And a picture inside of a dwarven man holding hands with a tender old Abralian. A tender old Abralian? Tender old. Oh, I thought you said like a 10-year-old Abralian. I was like, who's he holding hands with? I'm sorry, who was the other person in the picture? It's a picture of a dwarven man with a tender old Abralian.

He was dwarven. We should name him Bacon. And it was how many gold you said? 20 gold pieces. Sadate says, I should have recognized that. There are many dangers in Fonolok. Don't say.

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Oh, Barney's just literally burnt to a crisp with his hair. Just like, it's like a cartoon. Yeah. It's like smoking and every hair is standing straight up. The little hair that he has, it's all just like, yeah. Guys, you're probably going to say no to this, but I, cause you just brought this up, but I'm going to ask is on the train, Mateed would have looked for an exchange area. Is there a place that would have been exchange area for pieces?

That's an interesting question. I was thinking these trains are clearly international. I would think that would be not on the train, but at the train depot or at the train station. You didn't have time to look on the way there because you were barely able to jump onto the caboose, but you could have potentially looked for one here when you got to Faunalok. You want to let me have a retcon? How many human pieces you got? 32. Yeah, there's a travel hex kiosk here that will exchange...

32 hemo pieces for... I mean, that's half a life. Well, it depends on the level. What level I was at, that was half a life. Yeah, you can exchange 32 hemo pieces for 32 gold pieces. I will take it because you're being kind. It's not a great exchange rate, but that's what you get at Travel Hex. I'll take it. Thank you. Sorry to derail it for trying to get my monies. All good. I had some too, but I can't remember how much it was. Whatever. Yeah, if you do find and you have some, feel free to go ahead and just

Exchange them one-to-one. Okay. Sorry. So, Crispy Barney, don't go near that tree. The metal box had a picture? A picture of, yeah. And a brilliant. A brilliant and probably this dwarf. And they were holding hands, he said? Yeah. Well, tendril in hand. Sedate, you know, points out off to the side, off to the southern edge of the clearing. There appears to be a trail there. We can take that to continue to Sheath headquarters. Eh?

Is there any good way to protect ourselves from, like, especially those lightning leaves? Now that we see it, let's keep an eye out for more dragon leaf trees and steer clear of them. I'm going to float. Okay. All of you make me a perception check. Okay. As we're walking down? Yeah. Very clear. 17. 18. 3.

I guess it'd be a saving throw if he was really about to do something to me, probably. I'm fine. Elga and Mateed, you know, the two of you are keeping especially close watch on the tree to make sure you keep a distance from it. And, you know, as you're looking at it, you can see that the leaves that have fallen on the ground and the leaves on this tree actually still are shaped like dragon heads. Oh.

Dragon head leaves that caused... The leaves were the source of the lightning damage. Yeah, lightning leaves. Lightning leaves shaped like dragon heads. Yeah. And is the bark of the tree or the tree trunk shaped in anything? Oh, the tree's bark is scaly. Oh. Is the tree... I almost asked the dumbest question ever. I was about to ask, is the tree alive? Yes, it is. It's almost like all plants are. Does...

I don't know. Does Matide have any history of knowing these kinds of trees? Trees probably are important to Eric Cochran's. I don't think Matide has ever seen a dragon leaf tree like this. Wish I had established earlier on this campaign that I can talk to birds because I'd like to ask a bird a question, but that's not how. Hey, Sadate, is there any way to weaponize these leaves? They seem very powerful. I mean, just look at Barney. Okay.

Unfortunately, once they fall in make contact with an object, their magic and arcana are expended. You want to go get one real quick?

I'm good. I think I might go get one. Zidate, you know, moves some branches aside and says, Come. The trail's right here. I want to get one of the leaves. Before it falls and hits the ground? I can help you get one. I want to get one. Okay. But one of the inert ones. I just want to get it. Yeah. I go get one. While he's doing that, could Barney take a short rest? That's up to the party. How long is the short rest? We'd probably say 30 minutes. He's

He's old. I mean, I can also just heal myself. Yeah, but then you're going to blow your spell slots for, you know. I can totally just heal myself. Healing chip later. Tree points. Yeah. Do I get one of the leaves? Yeah, I'll say you very quickly dart out and get it and come back. Okay. I give Barney a...

If you have to go to sleep for 30 minutes, can I give him like a little piggyback ride so he can sleep on my back? Do that. Yeah, that's up to you guys. All right, come here. Barney. Yeah. Nap time. Okay. Okay. Gus set a timer for 30 minutes. Chris has to be asleep for that one. Chris, close your eyes. Just go sit in the corner. Sounds so good right now. A little nap. That does sound pretty nice. I love some naps. And everyone go ahead and make me another stealth check. Okay. Do I need to... If I'm on his back... Yeah, you do. Okay. Okay.

16. 28. 23. What's your modifier? I'm sorry. Plus 9 on stealth. It's a 5. I'm proficient. Everyone rolled pretty good, though. Yeah, you all managed to continue making your way further south, and you come upon this winding trail beneath a dense canopy of coniferous trees, and it's really difficult to see more than 10 feet ahead because of all the trees, the thickets, fallen logs, and a few stumps. Oh, we're in final log? Fallen logs. Oh, okay.

Burn. I'm not laughing at your next joke. That's not nice. You know I will. We're just waiting for the joke. I'm working on it. As you all are walking along...

Everyone make a perception check for me. Perceiving. Now, if I'm trying to nap, do I? Yeah, not you though. Nine. 16. 19. Elga and Matee. God, y'all are really on fire. Y'all are really good with these perception checks. I'm also proficient in perception checks. That's my two. That's one of my proficiencies. I have a plus five.

You know, as you all are walking, you see in the trees animals hopping around. And there's like this weird hybrid, almost like a squirrel-like lemur, jumping treetop to treetop, eating the leaves in the canopy. I turn to Sadate and I go, is that an air roamer or a dolphin? He looks at you and looks up and then stops her movement and whispers. That's an air roamer.

Are they dangerous? Not directly, but avoid getting their attention. Probably for the best that Barney's sleeping, he would definitely want to adopt that pet. Don't want to sweep. So they're above us? Yeah. Okay. And what do they look like? They're like squirrel-like lemurs. Okay.

Lemur's a monkey, right? Yes. Similar size and everything like that. Yeah, smallish. Just before anyone gets mad, I don't think a lemur's a monkey. Before any listener gets mad. Is it related to them? I don't know. I don't think so. Are they marsupials? I believe so. That makes more sense. What's a marsupial? Oh, no. Lemurs are primates. I had no idea. I thought they were primates. I mean, they're very closely in the description. They're wet-nosed primates. Huh. Did you see... What's the movie?

With the King Lemur? Seven? No. What? What's the jungle one with Chris Rock as a zebra? Madagascar. Madagascar. Oh, yeah.

Good God, look at their little bulgy eyes. Very cute. Fun fact, my cousin worked on a movie called Into the Wild. Oh, yeah. That came out the same time. That one got buried. As Madagascar, because it was very similar. Twin movies. That was the ants to bugs life. Yeah. Yeah. So that's just a big old squirrel. So go check out Into the Wild to support my cousin. John, you get a bonus die for teaching me about lemurs today. I said they're monkeys. An inspiration die. I'll take it. Okay.

Okay, they're above us. We did a perception check. We did a stealth check, so can we just pass these? Yeah, you just have to move very stealthily through. Well, I'm floating, so I'm not going to step on any twigs. I'll be very stealthy quiet. As long as Barney doesn't let out one of them old man farts. Stop provoking him. You're going to be just fine. Do you want me to maybe carry you, Elga? No, I'm okay. Okay. I'm okay.

I might be strong, but I'm very light on my feet. Okay. Crunch, crunch. The sound of your axes clanging against each other. Clanging. Five axes dragging in the dirt. You are a TSA agent's nightmare. Also, I want to stay close to...

Okay. All four of you make me one more stealth check here. 24. 9. So you don't want me to carry you? 23. 16 at disadvantage. That's not bad. Andy's seeping. I think that's why I did so well. Barney's not walking.

As you all are walking, you know, you're looking around very carefully. You notice that Elga is glowing very dimly in a blue color. Uh-oh. I wonder what Arimer's favorite color is. The monkeys. Elga, are you feeling down? Hurry, create some great art. You're in your blue period. Listen, I'm trying here. They all can't be winners. Shh.

Right over my head. Sorry, art student year. Do I feel anything? No. You feel great. I'm just glowing blue? Yeah. Is she growing in size as well? Mr. Tempura, what is happening to me? Sadate looks at you and says, uh-oh. Uh-oh, that's a bad thing. Sadate does not have good bedside manner. Oh, I mean, you're fine. Yeah. Nah, you said uh-oh.

I heard it. Turns to Mateus like, we need to get her to a hospital right now. She begins like patting you down, looking all over you, Elga. One moment. Oh, you have money cursed? Did you take cursed money? Was it the box? I don't know. But also she had the worst. I had the lowest stealth check. Okay. Yeah.

Oh, that's creepy looking. Oh, good. No, it's just a picture of what the Aramers look like. It's not exactly what I had pictured in my mind. They look like flying squirrel lemurs. They look like lemurs, but with skin between their front legs and their back legs. What's his face from Momo? Airbender? I don't know what that is. I know what you're talking about. It's Gus. It's your favorite film from Shyamalan. That must not have been in the movie, which is the only thing that exists to me. Oh.

On the back of your leg, Sedate sees something. She pulls out a little dart from your left calf. A dart? Yeah. Good lord. Okay. And then the glowing around you begins diminishing and you lose it altogether. Did somebody shoot this into me or did I step on something? Sometimes the air roamers will do this. This little monkey lemur guy?

Monkeys have guns. They have like... Squirrel lemurs? They got like tiny little weapons or they like... They have little blowguns. That is the most cutest and horrifying thing I've heard today. And is it painful? Like what does it do? It just makes you grow? They're doing it to help the deafolent. Oh, they're working together for prey. Yes. So it's like they target them and then...

Wow. So they make us glow so that the other things could see us easily. Can I perceive if there are any Deflins around? Yeah, make a perception check. Do you know what they look like yet? Why did I use the word perception? I'm curious to hear how this goes. Sometimes you just say, yes, Barbara, and then you see what happens. I see a bee. I see a nat 20. So you're looking, you know, Chip, you stop, you decide to go ahead and look around for Deflins. Describe to us what you're looking for. I guess anything that would have eyes. You got to break apart the...

The words. Okay. What? You know, it's like defilins is probably some sort of amalgamation of Latin words or prefixes or something. Then it's probably some sort of balloon-like creature. I'm just going to see if anything that stands out as organic that isn't a tree. So you're looking for something... Fauna. An animal. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. You look around, trying to find all the defilins you can with your many years of experience looking for defilins. And yeah, make a, yeah, let's call it a survival check. Why not? Okay. Wait, is that the spelling of faunalock? Is it like fauna?

Like F-A-U-N-A? Oh, okay. That's fun. 16. Yeah, you don't see any defilins. Oh, yeah. The only fauna you see are the aramurs. Let me know when I can wake up. Okay, we'll give you just a little bit longer and then you'll wake up. Gus just wants a little bit longer. Okay.

All right. So you all continue. And I'll say this time, everyone but Barney makes self-checks. You're deep in REM sleep right now, Barney. Yeah. 21. The key moment. I can't let you wake up at this time. Otherwise, you'll have sleep lag or whatever they call it. Sorry. 22.

25. Talking about train lag? What? No, no, no. You know when you like break an REM cycle and you wake up and you feel worse than you did when you initially took the sleep? I hate that. Yeah, it's awful. It wouldn't be train lag because we don't say plane lag. We say jet lag. So what would be like? Well, jets are kinds of planes. Well, but it's like the jet on the plane we're doing. I'm just trying to think of like what would be on a train? What's the locomotion of the train?

Weelag. Coalag. Coalag. Coalag is when your blood gets all solid. Did I get a stealth check from you, Elga? I don't know if I did. You did not. My bad. Steamlag. That's a good one. Steamlag. Oh, yeah. I like that. I like that. No, that's one of the summer sale hits, and I... Oh, yeah.

That's when you miss the sail. Yeah. Rolled a six. Six. Okay, so it's a six for Elga. Was that a 25 for Chip? Yeah. She's now just super aware of these little darts. I look at Elga and it's just like... It's just that scene from Ace Venture. Yeah, darts all over. And all of a sudden it's like, you know, when you're watching Dune and it goes from super dark to super light and your eyes are like...

I did have moments like that. What was your stealth check, Matit? 22. Okay. Yeah, you all did good. Yes, all of us. You'll start stirring at this point. You all come upon a grove of trees with enormous trunks, toadstools, and sizable stones. In the center of the grove is a wagon. I put Barney down very carefully, not to, like, jostle him too awake. And I say, hey, Barney. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, now we're in the faunal lock, right? Yeah. And there's these tiny little squirrel monkeys. Yeah. And they'll shoot you. Uh-huh. And if you do that, then you'll glow really bright. Uh-huh. And then we're assuming you then get bombed by what we think is a zeppelin-type creature. Okay. Okay. You glow bright.

What color? You don't want to glow bright. You don't want to glow bright. It's not fun. Yeah. What color? Well, so far we've seen blue. We don't know if that's the only color. Okay. Okay. Am I glowing blue right now? No.

So you see mushrooms and just all sorts of like stones and a wagon. Yeah. And the wagons in like the center of the grove. Can I sneak up on that wagon? Investigate? Make a, well, if you're sneaking up, make a stealth check first. The T takes 10 steps back. 18. Okay. And then, yeah, you, you know, make sure your sneakers are good to go and you slowly make your way over to the wagon and make an investigation check on it.

That's a 17. As you're approaching, you can see it's a broken down covered wagon that's missing a wheel. And as you get closer and closer, you're picking up more and more of the smell of vanilla. And from the outside, as you get close, there appears to be something shiny glinting inside. And, you know, as you finally you get close enough to be able to peek inside and see what it is. And...

you see a glittering dagger inside along on top of an open chest of gold coins. You know, since you were low and sneaking up, you notice an abundance of orange fungus growing on the undercarriage of the wagon. Seems tempting. I do like knives. I'm a bit of a knife guy. I'm just picturing right now Tom Hardy in Mad Max just going, that's a trap. Can I investigate for traps? Can I see if there's any traps?

Investigate for traps. Yeah. Why not? Isn't check for traps like a good rogue thing? Yeah. Yeah. In fact, I think I should get like advantage on it. Yeah, I think so. I used to have a candle that helped. Oh, that's true. Make a perception check. You obviously would make the worst. Well, I'm looking. I had to look it up. It used to be something you could do. Now it's just you do a perception check. 17. Okay.

He had the most smug grin as he crossed his arms and said that. He's so proud. You investigate. Before you touch anything, you're kind of like Indiana Jones when he's looking at the gold idol in Raiders of the Lost Ark. He wiggles his fingers and wipes the sweat away. Yeah, you run your hand across your...

Your mouth, yeah. Oh, is Chip going to take an indigenous people's rare artifact away? I look back at Mateen with a glare. You know, as you're looking, you don't find a trap per se on it, but you realize that this whole grove appears to be dusty. It's like everything is covered in an orange like pollen. This is like every movie has taught me, do not trust mushrooms. I'm going to hold my breath in.

and I think I'm going to head back to the group. I'm not going to touch the knife. I think I'm going to head back. It's a knife.

Knife on top of some gold coins. Gold coins. And you're not taking it? Spores in the air. Should I? You know what? You should. If you want, I could get it far away and I could use my telekinetic thing to grab it. Or magent. To grab what? That's what I mean. Telekinetic is like a different type of magent. To grab what? The dagger. You mean this dagger? And I pick it up. Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

That's Mateed in character. Yes. You did it. You got it. Something lashes out at you doing 100 points of damage. As you are walking back to the group...

Out from under, um... He just looks like a mushroom as he walks back to us. Guys, we gotta find Princess Toadstool. Except he sounds like he's screaming now. Guys! What's wrong? Out from under two of the trees pounce two what appear to be like ethereal looking lions. Are those the deaf ones? Deaf-a-lions? Definitely. Oh.

Lions! Why did I think Zeppelin? I was thinking I was going to find a balloon, not a lion. Everyone roll me initiative. Oh no! Kitties! Is the knife cool at least? What knife? I picked it up, the dagger.

16. What knife? What dagger? Oh, no. It was an illusion. These are spectral. I have clothes made of this thing. 16, Elga. What? Thank you. 18, Barney. I did 18. I didn't do my double initiative because I didn't specify. You didn't specify. All right.

I have advantage on mine, which is why I roll twice. All right. They're like, are they displacers? No. Oh. Are they in the displacer family? No. Like, you know, the lion, like panther. Okay. All right. No. No. I like Blaze. Like, Gus, I don't think you heard me. Are they displacers? No.

What if we keep getting into the nitty gritty on this? I rolled a nine. I rolled a ten. All right, Barney. From your perspective, you see Chip walk up to the wagon and then with a big dumb grin on his face, turn around and start walking back to the rest of the party. And as he does so, two ethereal-ish lions dash out from under trees and charge at him. Okay. And I'm up first? Yes. All right. Sorry, after Barney is Elga, then one of them, then Matita. I want to cast...

fairy fire. Okay. Each object in a 20-foot cube within range is outlined in blue, green, or violet light. Violet light? Violet. Oh, okay. Any creature in the area when the spell is cast also outline the light. If it fails, a dexterity saving throw. For the duration, objects and affected creatures shed dim light in a 10-foot radius. So I want to cast that...

Is there a way I can cast? How far is Chip from the lion things? They're closing quickly from two different sides. It's almost like they had coordinated their attack. One's coming from the east, one's coming from the west. They're both about 20 feet away from him. They're both about 20 feet away. Is there a way I could target a 20-foot cube and not have Chip in it? Chip's just standing there.

Not getting both lines because one's 20 foot west of him, one's 20 foot east of him. Okay, which one's closer to Chip? The one coming from the east. Okay, I want to target a 20 foot cube that encompasses the line on the west and everything around it except for Chip. Got it. Okay, I'm riding very far. Okay. I've just imagined this whole thing playing out in slow motion. Chip's just walking back really happy. He hasn't noticed yet. He sees like Barney like...

pointing his finger to cast something. He's like, what's going on? So, and I would pick blue light. Okay. And that one line has to make a dex 18 save. All right. Now, is that a new one? No. I just haven't had a use for it. 12 plus 315. That's a fail. Okay. So that line and everything in the area is now...

glowing blue light. It looks exactly like the blue you were covered in. Yeah. Is the idea that you trick it into attacking the other one? That's cool. And then as my bonus action, I want to do telekinetic shove and pull Chip towards the party.

Okay, and is there a weight limit on that? No. Well, as a bonus action, you can try to telekinetically shove one creature you can see within 30 feet of you. When you do so, the target must succeed on a strength saving throw, DC 17, or be moved 5 feet toward or away from you. The creature can willingly fail the save. So it would willingly fail. Okay, so then, yeah, you pull him, and he moves 10 feet closer to the rest of the party. 5 out of the path of the creature. Okay.

If you'd done this in the reverse order where you shoved me, then you could have cast the thing. And theoretically, I could have done it away. So if you wanted to hit both of them. Well, no, because they're not within 20 feet of each other. One's 20 feet west of you. One's 20 feet east of you. I'm sorry. My ears? I need to open them. Nah. Keep them closed. Who said that? Oh, Barney, your eye has closed and your ears have grown back.

Thank goodness. I forgot. Did it happen during his short rest? Yeah, he woke up refreshed and back to his normal Barney self. The other eyeballs on my arm though. And then I guess I'll kind of move Barney like up a little so he's like within range to attack both of them but not like in their path. Does that make sense? I don't know where I am in relation to them exactly. You're north of them because you all were to the north. Chip went south to the wagon and then

From his position, they're west and east of that. It's like a big T, an upside-down T. Okay, and then I want to say the part, if this works, we can try and run away. Sounds good. All right, and then that's my turn. At what point do I start calling you dad instead of Barney? I don't know. It's weird to me still. That's up to you to decide. You can just call me Barney. Okay, Barney. Papa Barney.

I grab my teeth. It's so sweet. Okay, so Duffy's going to go after you, Elka. Healthy conversation. Oh, I thought you meant she's going to go after me. No, no, no. And I was like, wait, what? In initiative order. Wow, what a turn. I got you. Mom, too. She becomes a lion as well.

Elga, you're up. Okay. And then after Elga, Sedate, Adephalin, and then Matee. Is there one close to Chip right now? They're both equidistant from Chip. I guess I said the one to the east is a little closer. Okay, let me run up to the one at the east. Okay. And I'm going to rage. Okay. And I'm going to use my Great Axe of Gaining to strike at it. And that is a 27. That hits. Doing 20 points of damage. Ow! Ow!

I don't like that. That's a big hit. That's a big hit. Raging. 17 plus 3. Okay. And I will do it again. Yeah. 22. Act so nice. That hits. She sings it twice. That hits. Doing 21 points of damage. Wow. Elka's so strong. You leave my friendship alone.

I don't know what you're called. Death-a-lion. Death-a-lin. I don't know that. When you say friendship, it sounds like friendship. My friendship alone. Double entendre. Okay, and then?

That should be it. Okay. Did you take your form with your rage? I did not specify. I will take the form of a tail. Yeah. Reaction. Gives you a reaction. Okay. It's Sedate's turn after Sedate's. The defilin, the one that you attacked, Elga. So I would think Sedate would run up right next to you, Elga, to also be up in the face of that defilin. And as she's running up, she pulls out an intricately carved bow.

And then from point blank range, pulls back the string and unleashes two quick arrows at the Deflink. Does she rush up to do that? She's an elf. Probably just comes a little closer. I think metagame-wise, she wants to help protect Elga. Okay. And try to... I figure there's a reason. Yeah, present another target for the Deflink so that Elga doesn't necessarily get hurt. Okay. Such a mama bear. Yeah. I mean, this woman did raise Elga essentially from baby. Yeah.

That's a 24 and a 13. The 24 hits. She fires one of the arrows, hits doing eight points of damage, and it impacts into the ground through the defilin's tail and kind of pins it in place and holds holding it to the ground. Whoa, wow. It is that defilin's turn. It is unhappy about now being restrained, and you see a puff of gray smoke, and it disappears from the spot it was at.

Spectral lions. I wonder if this is, are there two of them? Yes. Or is this just one that's making noise? Oh, oh, oh. Okay, Mateed, it's your turn. Could I, the lion's not within visualization? The one that we attacked? Is the lion in the room with us? You do not see it. Okay. Deflon. Right? Yeah.

I check to see if I see it. Yeah, sure. Make me an Arcana check. That's a nine. Yeah, you do not see it. You do not know where it went. Okay. Yeah, I guess I'll go for the other one. Okay, the one to the west that is glowing blue. Actually, which one did you cast Fairy Fire on? That's the one that's left to the west. Perfect. Can I go up to Sadate? Yeah. Madam, do you still have that docked? No, I threw it on the ground. Okay.

Well, just ruined my plan. They're worthless normally. Okay, then I'll go attack this other defilion. Defilion. Defilion. Defilion. Defilions and woozles. Frankesca. Yeah, I want to use... Actually, how far is Chip from that one? He got pulled a little bit by Barney, so I'd say like 25 feet. Perfect! I go right up on that lion, and I use... Defilion. Defilion.

It's just the name of the creature. I go right up on the defilin. Yeah. Words are important. And I use my sling of the sandstorm, and I use sandstorm, and I can expend three charges to create a whirlwind of coarse sand in a 20-foot sphere. Ooh. Sventered. Sventered on me. Sventered. Some might call it centered. All creatures of your choice in the area have to make a deck-saving throw, and it's 12 plus my proficiency.

So 16. 16. I've got plus three on that. The DC save is 16. Well, I rolled a four. Lovely little damage. 21. 21 points of damage? What are you, Elga? Slashing damage. And they're blinded until the end of their next turn. Let it be.

All right. And if they're blinded, do I get like advantage on anything? Well, you already have advantage on your attack rolls because of the fairy fire. Oh, cool, cool, cool. Then I'm going to go ahead and stab this cat with the spear of the superior baker. 18. That hits. And that is another D8. 7 plus 7 is 14. All right. And with my muffin of stardust...

When I make a successful attack, I can choose to take advantage on a roll before the end of my next turn. Okay. So I'm going to proc that or just remember that I have that because I've forgotten I've had that since you gave me that muffin. And then since I have a bonus action still, I'll just do Flurry of Blows. That's a quick and easy. All right. That's an easy dirty hit. That's 16. That hits. Okay. Okay.

D6 or plus 5 is 9. All right. And that is for 21. Is that 21 points? Is that 21 to hit? 21 to hit. Yeah, that hits. And I rolled a 6 plus 5. 11. That is a lot of damage. What was that, like 55 points or something? Yeah. Yeah.

I've learned to say yes to Gus math. It was 55. Trust in the Gus. He's like a calculator. And I'm done. I used to do academic competitions when I was in elementary school where you just did math without a calculator and no scratch paper. You could only write answers down on the paper. That is impressive. Just beating the dates off with a stick, right? I used to be okay at doing long...

like multiplication and stuff in my head. There were like tricks to it. I don't, I can't do it anymore. It's terrible. Cool. Chip, you're up. Okay. Anyway, enough about that nerd stuff. Let's play some D&D. More math, more math. So Matita's within, would you say Matita's within five feet? Yeah, I'm on, I went to melee range for the spear. Okay, then I'm going to run up and use my Arbon Blade of Blurbling.

And because Mateed is within five feet, then that gives me... Yeah, you ability to use sneak die? Question, teacher. Yeah. Oh, you can use sneak die if I'm close, you don't need to go hide? As long as someone else is within five feet, yeah, you have a sneak die prop. Cool. Then there. Just want to make sure you're using your sneak die. Good. So I get advantage on that, so that's a 21. 21.

That hits. Okay. And then I do the... Big stab. That's 10 piercing. And then I do an additional 1d4 acid damage. This is an arm blade. Yeah. And that's two. So that's 12 total? 12 total. So far. Yeah. And then... How much sneak die you got? 5d6. Wow. You want to roll a little one? Sure. Okay. Here you go. Okay. Here we go. Here you go. Have fun. All right. That's a four. Four.

Plus six, that's 10. Plus three, that's 13. Plus six, that's 19. Plus two, that's 21. That was five. Was that five? Yeah. 24. Wait, what? How many D6 was it?

Wait five wait. Oh, she's saying the two was a how many d6 it's 24 You're at 24 5d 6. Okay, you got to 21 at 5 rolls. Okay 21 21. Okay 21 additional damage. Wow Uh, how's it looking? That's pretty beat up. It's not looking good. Okay, and then i'm gonna use my bonus to go into hiding i'm gonna use counting action Okay, so roll for stealth. Yep. Okay

That's an advantage. That's a 27 and a 24. 27. Okay. Yeah, you're real sneaky. Okay. All right. It's that Deffalyn's turn. Who's he going to attack? Typical humanoid harassment. I would never expect any more from your kind. And it disappears with a puff of smoke. Oh, my God. I feel terrible.

not? Yeah, but like he's talking. He's a talking Deflin. He's so cute. He's crying too. Deflin, if you can hear me, I am so sorry. You did you know, attack us first, but like Did they? Yeah. Well, they were running at us. Well, he told us to roll initiative. So this is Gus's fault. Yeah. We can all agree on that. Okay, it's Gus's fault. If you can hear us, Deflin, this is

I wasn't trying to attack you. I was trying to make you attack each other. Well, I hope you all are happy with yourselves. Yeah, I hope you're happy. I'm not. All right. So Sedate just kind of like shakes her head. Don't listen to those steflins. But they talk. I think they're just manipulating us. It's working. They're difficult. Come on. Let's continue. Okay. All right.

After a bit more trekking through trees and thick thickets, you all start to hear the soothing sounds of water lapping on shore. You also notice more gnarly roots cropping up from the soil in this part of the forest. Sadate holds up a closed fist with one hand, and then a single finger to her lips. Everyone roll a perception check. Oh. She wants us to be glad.

17. 16. 16 as well. Seven. Just subtract nine from everybody else's. Ten from Chris's. There's a lot of per checks. Persuasion, perception, performance. Chip, it's taking everything in your body not to make a sound. You're thinking of a funny joke you heard earlier.

Hold that fart in. For some reason, it's just like really tickling you right now. The other three of you just pass some trees up ahead. You hear footsteps and you can make out two voices chatting to each other. It sounds like one of them mentioned something called corner cops?

And the other says, Ma, have mercy on us. And a moment later, Sadate lowers her hand. It sounds like we're in the clear. There were a couple of faunal lotions nearby, and we don't exactly fit in with the locals. Faunal lotions? Yes, the locals. Are faunal lotions kind of like the same thing as Nessie? Like kind of aqua...

Faring creatures. Yeah, what's a Vanillacian? Not always necessarily. They're more bestial looking creatures. Bestializing, like they're furry. They can be. And a cornucop, is that like... That's what we thought they might be saying. Yeah, they might be saying it. Oh, they might be saying it.

Yeah, why do we need to sneak into this town? The Fondalotians aren't fond of humanoids. We're going to have to deal with some more racist people. The Fondalotians aren't fond. Oh.

We are currently sitting a few hundred feet from the shores of Loch Cessnas, and headquarters is due southeast at the shoreline. But there are potentially several dozen locals between us and our destination. We need to find a way to sneak through town unnoticed or blend in with the faunal oceans. Usually I am alone and well-stocked with the resources from sheath, but I'm afraid we are on our own until we sync up with HQ.

Any ideas? How do we blend in with them if we don't know what they look like? Well, we just don't want to be noticed. You said we were approaching water. Is loxessness along the shore? This water is loxessness. And there is water, right? Like it's not dried up? Correct. And you all heard the sounds of, you know, water lapping or hitting the shore. Well, that's what I'm asking. Is this a city that is on the land or is this a city that is on the water or under the water? On the land. Okay. Yeah.

I realize in D&D you have to ask those kinds of questions. Perhaps we could re-approach it via the water? Like swim across? We can try that. I wouldn't recommend that, though. There are many hazards in the water. It would be more difficult. Okay. Is there anything we could maybe do?

do it to ourselves, our person, to make us blend in and not seem like humanoids? If you have anything that helps disguise yourself. I mean, I have some concealer of unsightliness. I'm not familiar with that, but we can try that or we can try sneaking. What's the concealer of unsightliness do? Does it give it a zits? It...

It turns you invisible along with anything you are wearing or carrying on your person lasts for one hour. Oh, dang. That does sound like that would work very well then. Yes. But that's got like one use. I'm assuming it's just one use. So that would cover one of us. Another one of us has a visibility powers.

Well, I can go invisible for one minute and... Can you just keep casting it over and over? No, because it's a fourth level spell. Do you have like a disguise kit or anything like that? I have a disguise kit. She hears you, Barney, and says... You could try sneaking along in the trees to close as much distance as possible and then use your ability for the final minute to run through the clearing to get to the entrance to Sheath headquarters. Can I look up and see what's the light? He wants to know if he can float. Yeah, is it dim? Yeah.

Sure, because of all the trees, I'll say sure. Yeah, I could fly. I'll put on my concealer. Chip is going to disguise himself, and then I assume Matit and Barney are going to fly. Who is Chip? And you look, and Chip has already disguised himself. I am Carl from Fonolock. Another human name. Pleasure to meet you. I think you're like Jean Parmesan in Arrested Development. He's got a crappy disguise on.

All right. Everyone make me stealth checks, but I'll tell you what. Everyone have advantage except for you, Barney. Just make a normal one since you're normally disadvantaged. And I'm flying up. Mm-hmm. Just because you all came up with some creative solutions here. I did a 15. Nat 20. 30. 23. I rolled a 1. I critically failed. I think a 30 is the highest chance.

check I think I've ever gotten. Yeah, that's pretty good. That's really impressive. And that was a one, Barney? Yeah. Well, luckily for you, this is a group check, so everyone manages to do okay. You all make your way, sneaking and trying your best to avoid the locals, and eventually you come upon an isolated copse of shady trees where you find a lonely stump covered in lichen. Sadate looks around for a moment, then furtively steps forward. She brushes off some moss from the trunk and you see it, the sigil of sheath hidden in the grain of the bark. Oh.

Sadate reaches out into the air and grabs something just above the stump. Then she lowers her arm into the stump and you all hear the soft sheathing of a blade. The stump twists and lowers into the ground, revealing a spiral staircase beneath the earth. Quickly now! Everyone inside! Okay, here I come! You all make your way down the staircase into humid darkness until you finally reach the floor of a vague room veiled in shadow.

The stump and staircase twist back into place above you, thus extinguishing the last bit of light from the room. A voice echoes in the chamber. I wondered when you all would find your way down here. I was beginning to think you were getting cold feet. You hear the striking of a match and a small flickering flame illuminates the face of a plump mustachioed man wearing a blue coat with a high collar. Welcome, detectives. I'm Director Carl Weiser of Sheath. ♪

What? The Weezer. I knew he'd come back. Did we have a Columbo incident here? Yeah, it seems so. Find out who Columbo is on the next episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. I knew it. I knew we'd see Carl Weezer again. Oh, yeah. He was going to be in your stipend. You had to see him. He's going to pay you. Give me my money. Get your money. Next episode. Bye. Thanks for listening, everybody.

So long.

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Again, that's patreon.com slash stinky dragon. We can't thank you enough for your support that lets us make this show. Listeners that interacted with us on social media and Discord had NPCs named after them this episode, like Zuzu Top was named after the animal overlord. Also want to thank some friends who provided voiceover for characters in this episode, like Zidati Timpur, voiced by Patty Reisinger, Zuzu Top, the mentalist, voiced by Alfredo Diaz at AlfredoPlays, and Weezer, voiced by Micah Reisinger at Micah Reisinger.

This episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon was produced by Ben Ernst and written, edited, and composed by Micah Reisinger. Head over to patreon.com slash stinky dragon for all things stinky. Tune in next time for another thrilling episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. I can't get over he just said ancestral milk. I feel like you can get more fresh milk than ancestral almond milk. Yeah. But it's a heritage. Mmm. Milk. I have no idea what that means. Blaine looked around to see if anybody else had a reaction.