C02 - Ep. 44 - Vengeance in Vainia - Can I Get a Vitness?
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Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.

This is a Rooster Teeth production.

Compliments to all you kelpies! Swim on into the stinky dragon, guzzle our latest gulp, deep into the seaweeds. It's a mixture of drowned ginger, a grappling of lemon, faux faux nut milk, a slam of agave, and amphibious algae powder. Mmm, one drop of this dang drink, you'll see that all wood things moss come to an end. Hmph. No laughing.

Previously, our adventurers were frittering away on the floor of the Fangpick. They came upon a cornucopia of coffins, creeped into the capillary, and probed an imprisoned Papa Von Brath. Round of refreshment, let's resume this rank recollection.

Hello, everyone. I'm Gustavo Sorolla, the Dungeon Master of our future party. I'm going to hit our foreplay with an arrow. Not me. I grab Quiffly. I put him in front of me. He takes it right to the face. Not Quiffly. This week's role-playing warm-up question is, what is your favorite type of cheese and why?

I'll go first. Hello, I'm Barbara Dunkelman. I play Elga von Brass, the half-elf vampire barbarian. And a little known fact, Elga does not like cheese, any type of cheese. No. Because she is lactose intolerant. What else intolerant is she? What other intolerances? All food intolerant. Yeah.

Yeah, she don't like cheese. But, you know, if she had to pick one, she'd probably pick Swiss because the holes are kind of cool and she could... They're like fang holes. Yeah, exactly. It just makes a pretty kind of picture for her. I don't know. It's a very visually appealing cheese.

I'll go next. Hey, it's Blaine Gibson, and I play Chip Haney in Tiefling Rogue Level 7. And I like my cheese like I like my knives sharp. So I enjoy cheddar. And I also like Swiss because of the holes as like I like my victims. With holes. What about

What about curds? Oh, cheese curds are good. Oh, the cheese curds. Wisconsin cheese. Might be Matisse's favorite maybe for poutine. I don't know. Oh, no, Matisse's not French-Canadian. Not French-Canadian, it's true. But I am John Reisinger and I play Matisse Confucius, the Eric Cochran ghost monk. Picking your favorite cheese is like picking your favorite wine. Ha ha ha.

That was good. That was very good. You stole the words out of my mouth. Yes, it is. I cannot pick. They're all perfect. They're all so fantastic. I mean, obviously, like brie is fantastic with some honey and bread, but then

if you get some camembert or some monster, it's just all, it's perfect. All cheese. I feel like, you know, since Mateed says all cheese is perfect, I think Mateed would probably have a really, especially soft place in their heart for like craft American singles. The part of your art where hell is. That soft, squishy, hellish part of your heart. Craft American singles.

It's good. It's not bad. It's garbage, but it's good. I wouldn't classify it as like a fine cheese. They're okay. Like in a sandwich, like if you make a grilled cheese or something, but if you're just eating it on your own, I could shuffle a pack of like craft singles, like a deck of cards and just eat the entire day. Hit me. Oh,

I'm Chris Damaris and I play Barney Farney. I do enjoy several different cheeses. There's just cheese, which some people call monster cheese, but in this area it's just called cheese. Yeah, that's good. That's good. I like that. Oh, monster. But my personal favorite is a good aged Gouda. Mm.

Just because I think things always, you know, they get better with age. I agree, Barney. I agree. Yeah. Better with age. When you were young, Barney, there was just cheese, right? There weren't like different kinds. It was just generic. It was cheese and that was it. Exactly. I'm so happy to have been around during the

the invention of aged cheese. Did she used to make her own cheese, like, with a barrel and the butter and I don't know how they make cheese. Barbara's doing the butter churning motion and I'm realizing, don't think Elga knows how cheese is made. I have no idea. Neither does Barbara. I would help with it, with the cows, but Marnie was much better with cheese. Mmm.

And animals. Well, I'm pretty good with animals. I don't know if you remember Hoofer. Oh, I remember Hoofer. He's doing so good right now out on the farm. I need you to check up on him. I will do that post-aste. In the other plane. Yep.

I really wish y'all had left Hofer behind in that room and just had the door close behind you and then hear the fire kick on in the refusery. So close. I was so close to having it happen. Technically, that was the end result. We just didn't know. As you're looking around trying to figure that out, everyone roll me a dexterity saving throw.

18. 11. I rolled a 10. The whole ground starts shaking. Mateed, you're able to keep your feet, but everyone else, you know, falls down onto their knees onto the ground as the whole building itself seems to experience a violent tremor shaking the entire VAMS fire. The ceiling above you begins cracking and debris starts falling, heading straight for all of you.

I never want to be arrested, but if I were to be arrested, I do want to get locked into a completely silver cage with no door. Because it's just like, that's a bad dude. So like, I don't know what your dad did, but he's a bad dude. It's almost like a Hannibal Lecter thing with the straight jacket and the mask on. Hello, Helga. That way.

He's a bad dude. He's a cool guy. Look at this cool prison. Actually maybe he does eat people. I was gonna say what? That's exactly probably what he does. Alright everyone go ahead and roll me dexterity saving throws. Avoid all the debris falling raining down on you. What? Debris. 16. 11. 19.

I just woke up. Where did the debris come from? I thought we were just talking to our dad. Yeah, I know. They said at the end that rocks were falling. Everything started to shake. I already got hit. I already got hit in the head. What was your dexterity? It was 22. I give plus two to whoever had the two leads, but I think it was... Can you give it to yourself? I don't think I can.

I'm not seeing Matisse. Oh, you did it. Because I rolled a real dice. He's got the silencer equipped this week. Oh, wait, not 19, 26. Oh, that's when you roll a real die. You have to do your modifiers on your own. All right. So everyone does pretty good except for Barney. Maybe like Barney has a pause. He has a delayed reaction compared to everybody else as huge chunks of the ceiling and the building start falling down. Everyone's able to dive out of the way. Save. Well,

Well, except I shouldn't say save, except for Barney Farney. Who gets knocked in the noggin by a particularly large chunk of stone and takes seven points of bludgeoning damage. Oh, I remember everything. Count Von Brass says, hurry, we don't have much time. What's that?

Ah, plate tectonics. I'm very aware of these. You see, gang, underneath the Earth's crust, underneath the crust of the planet, there are these large plates, okay? And then they start to move around, and they separate, and then they run into each other. That's how you get mountains. You know what, Chip? That's how you get oceans. Chip does have a little bit of, like, Bill Nye energy. I'll say that. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, that'd be a good Bill Nye host. They called plate hectonics. Is stuff only collapsing here in this room? Or does it seem to be like, yeah, the whole building? I mean, you really can't tell since you're just in this room, but it seems like the shaking was rather larger than the room. I can say that. Did we figure out at the end of the last episode how to get to the belfry?

Yeah, I believe Count Von Brass just told he was in the northern portion of the Fangpick. You know Glurb was built on a giant snail? Is there any indicator that something is similar here at the Vamspire? Well, you all saw it from Vania. You know, when you approached Vania, you climbed up a mountain and then, you know, you were in town. You could see the Vamspire was surrounded by that mode of blood. You know, nothing necessarily stood out that it was on a dismal...

different surface than the rest of the town. So it was built like all around like Blackstone? Was that what it is? Bloodstone? Yes. Ignis. Ignis. Then there was that big well that led down to some place and also like... That's where we did the like ritual. The thing we had to do to get into to Vania. Well, and also the bad guys, they got that big old rock monster. You might be able to manipulate rock. The gems? The gems. Barney's gonna follow...

the gang but he's gonna start casting Lamont's tiny hut as a ritual he's gonna start cooking it up it takes it takes I just looked it up it takes a minute we just hear him going tiny hut it takes I think 10 minutes 10 minutes I think 10 minutes as a ritual so it doesn't take a spell slot oh got it but if we can you know if it's collapsing we could use it as a cover and

Okay, so Gustavo. That's me. When we entered the first triangular room, the one that had the opening on the southeast that went to the sepulcher. Nice pronunciation. Yeah, I learned from the best.

Your brother? I mean, I guess through you, yes. Are you admitting that your brother's the best? At saying sepulcher? Yeah. The best rising star. What else? You know, reaching high. There are things in me. Probably playing all instruments. Okay, that's not being a keeper. Yeah. So what did you... Okay, so when we came into this other triangular room that led us to like the...

bathtub room, the blood bath room, the chapel and all that, that was to the

southwest of that first triangle? You all entered one big triangle room. You entered like from the base at the south. Yeah. To the right. If you come in from there to the right in the southeast corner of that triangle is where the sepulcher was. To the north of there was like a triangle set within the triangle and that was the capillary. Okay. And then to the southwest corner, that's where the sylvern is. And we're in the sylvern right now. Correct. Correct.

And so he was saying go north, but north would be, unless there's a way to go north from the Silvern, we'd have to go back and go north towards where the capillary was. Correct. North past the capillary. So there's a way to get past the capillary. It's a triangle within the triangle. Okay. Gotcha. It's all the way down. It's like the Triforce, except not an upside down triangle in the middle. Like if they were both facing the same way. It's the Dollar Tree Triforce. It's the T-R-Y force. Father, if we leave you here, are you going to be okay? Or should we try to drag you with us?

It appears to be stable for now. Quick, put him in the bum bag. If nothing else, perhaps my confinement in this prison will protect me. Can Chip slap his hand against the silver and say, oh yeah, that's good craftsmanship right there. This thing, hey, Elga, this thing's not going anywhere. He just rattles in his ears. Okay, father, we will be back for you, I promise, and I'll be here to speak for you to make sure that you do not get prosecuted. I wish for nothing more. Okay, although if you did do something,

Did we ask why?

You're not really... Because they're not supposed to leave. We said it in the oath at the top. Right, but did we ask why he was so adamant that you were able to go to the... He had mentioned that Elga's mother had also left and wandered around, so he felt that maybe it would be a good thing for Elga to see the world as well, like her mother. And go to that peace parade on his behalf. It's like when Kermit left the swamp in the Muppet movie to see the world and meet friends, and he had to fight a guy who wanted to use him to sell frog legs. And it's because I didn't get Dracula's permission either, right? That's why...

Correct. And according to Count Von Broth, Dracula's been a little weird about the rules lately. What's your last name? Von Broth. Okay. He keeps saying Van Broth. No, I said Von Broth. And according to Count Von Broth. Okay. Maybe not. Maybe I'm hearing it. Am I okay? Van Broth is the Van Halen Campbell's Soup collaboration that they did back in the 80s.

I like how it's always so funny when you make up something. Like, I made up Von Brath as a last name because I thought it sounded cool. Yeah. And it's just like, people are like, what does it mean? I'm like, oh, it's just like letters I put together. Okay. Perhaps we should head towards the north of, head towards the capillary and get to the belfry. Oh, and actually, I want to stick my hand in one where it's like, do you need a snack, Mr. Von Brath?

Do you need a little snacky? He can't get away from you. You're really just getting on him. No, no, I'm good. Thank you. You sure? Yes, I'm sure. Okay, and then I give him a thumbs up while my hand's still in the cage. I wasn't good. I do, but he's pretty good. I worked out. I got clean eating over here, Mr. Vanbroth. I've had a little sip or two.

Take a nibble. Come on. Fine. Okay. I do. If you insist. You're going to become his battler right now. He takes a nibble of a... He takes a chip of chip. A dip of chip. How much damage? Well, I'll roll that. You just want to take that. Are you going to heckish rebuke him? No. Eight points of damage. Ow! Don't even think about it.

Just pings. I have a question. While he's doing that, you mentioned some silver chains. Are those attached to something? Can I take

take them? I thought you all took all of that stuff last episode. I didn't mention the chain specifically, but if there are chains, yeah. I'm going to double check, but I believe that they may be fixed to the ground as a means to restrain. Barney, are you going to be a little hell rider? Huh? Are you going to be a little Kratos? A little heck rider. Huh? Oh. He starts banging the floor and a vampire comes in and he rides him. So the links of chain, they're not attached to the floor.

Rather, they're attached to the surface of the table. Oh. Take the whole dang table. Well, can I just like...

Hit him out or something really quickly. Like with my, just like smash the table. How would you want to do that? Describe, paint me a picture, Chris. Yes, I will take my walker, which is very heavy metal, and I'll lift it up and just smash the table. Oh, so you're going to break the, okay, I see. That's smart. Break the table to free the chain. Yeah, sure. Why not? Yeah, you smash the wooden table. The surface here is terrible. And thereby freeing the chain so you can take it. Are there keys for it anywhere?

Like nearby? Make me an investigation check. Is it like handcuffs on chains or just chains? Just chains. Okay. I have a three. Is there someone named Allison? I want to use inspiration. Okay. You don't find it, but you get a divine calling that encourages you to look again. All right. That was better. 17. You do not find a key for these chains because they're not necessarily like they have a lock. Well, I guess they would. Yeah, they do have a lock. Otherwise, I made you do that for nothing. Yeah. No, you're not able to find a lock.

I think Gus made him do that for nothing. I'm going to help out Barney so that it doesn't look like, you know, this table was smashed by him. I put like one of the rocks that fell from the ceiling. I put it like on the table as if, as if like the avalanche is what destroyed the table. And took the chains away. Yeah, I don't know. We're just covering Barney's tracks. Cool.

Also, we're totally breaking the first rule about Vampire Fight Club, which is you don't bring silver into the Vampire Fight Club. Yeah, there's a rule specifically about it. Yeah, the rule about not turning my family into slaves. God, I'm Barney. I don't know if that was ever a rule. It's kind of what we do here. Oh, wee. How quickly Elka's reacting to the surroundings. Hey!

All right. Exactly. I'm just kidding. Mateen, we got a boogie. Where are we going next? You seem to be the maps person. We're going north. So we head towards the, past the capillary towards the belfry. To the north. The north? The north god. That's where Mateen's from. You exit the silver and take a left, making your way to the north, like Count Von Brath suggested you do. Or Van Broth. Or Van...

You're breaking my brain. And... You just say VB. VB. Count VB. And you come upon another door in the northern portion of the faint pick. Okay. Is it got a doorknob? Yeah. Does it have a lock?

No. Does it have a knocker? Yes. Does it have traps? It has a knocker? Yeah. I knock. Okay. The knocker appears to be like a bat that's carrying an animal, a goat. And the knocker part is the goat. So you lift the goat. That's fun. I love it. And bang it up against the door. I love the accents. How many times do you let it knock? Like three loud knocks? Give us a taste of that knock. 33 times. 33 knocks. Micah, add the 33 knocks. We will insert silence here. He's shaking his head. No, we don't need to do silence. We can talk over and just, hey, we can.

You really give that... You really like that knocker, don't you there, Mateen? It can also be like... There is no response. Okay, I've been very thoroughly checking if someone's on the other side of this door. Try 34. Oh, I do 34 more times. There's an additional 34 left. No!

For a total of 67 knocks. It's weird. The scene went missing during the edit. As you let out the 33rd and 34th knock, three Sferatu come walking up. Oh, it worked. From the south, from the capillary area. Oh, that's up from the door? Yeah. What are you doing? This level is off limits. I know, we're trying to level. Oh, the ceiling's falling. Yeah. Oh, I thought you said this guy. Yeah, I heard this guy. I heard this guy. Best guy. I will put more space.

Just need a hard K, not a soft G. Yes, we agree. You should leave immediately. Take the exit to the south. Then they point back where you came from. No, we took this exit. What? We're going to go this way. How many of them are there? Three.

Are these by any chance the ones who are playing hide and seek? Let me make a roll. Let's see. I forgot about that. I haven't started counting yet. You found me. All right. Go again. You allied and you go. These were not the ones who were playing hide and seek with. Would you guys be interested in playing hide and go seek? Seek. Seek.

How are you familiar with hide-and-seek? I am the guest of Elga. We love it. It's one of my favorite vampiric traditions. Are you dressed up like... Are you wearing a... I'm dressed like a Sviratu. I'm a Sviratu. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's right. Fellow Sviratu! Yes, of course I know what hide-and-seek is. Let's see. Make me a deception check. You've fallen right into my trap. These are all good. I hope I do. Oh, wait. I

I thought I had... ...exvanted some deception. WHOSE TRAP IS THIS?! You sounded like Gentleman Troll when you did that. Oh, I did! I did! "Whose trap is this, mmm?" Uh, that is a... 13.

Oh my god, I rolled a one. I rolled a one. Deceiving. I know a trap! We've somehow managed to deceive these Sfratu at every turn. I hate it. It's so good. They're not the brightest group of guards. Well, meant to be. So you are on patrol and playing hide and seek? No. No, we are proposing hide and seek. It's because me, Ilgir...

Yes. Oh. Yes, Mrs. Von Brath. Yes, madam. Madam. Lady. Well, she just found us. Now we're going to play another game. They're talking about her marriage status.

Oh, sorry. I misunderstood. When you said, when did that happen? I thought you were like, when did you start playing hide and go seek? No, no. He called her Mrs. Von Brath. All right. We are all going to go hide while Miss Elga counts. Are you ready? The three of them have a quick aside. One. And they start running. All right. Open the door.

I hate you guys so much. Yeah, you love us. They'll never find us in here. You open the door and you see an expansive ornate suite decorated with ornamental wooden floor, handcrafted furniture, and decadent decor. But it appears like it's all in utter disarray. That was sweet.

Yeah. Does this appear to be Dracula's, like, room? Potentially. It's very fancy. It's a very fancy suite. It's a fancy room, and everything is in disarray. Yes. Chip walks in carefully and says, Hello! We knocked 67 times! Hello? Make me a dexterity saving throw, Chip. With pleasure. He fell right into my trap. Who fell into whose trap?

That's a 12, but I have things that I can do. Some things. If I do, if I failed. Attack ships. I've seen attack ships. Shoulder of Orion. Uh,

Do I pass that? Are you allowed to know? He's got lucky. We'll know. I have the sneakers of the lost souls and I have this thing. These shoes have three charges and regain 1d3 expended charge daily at dawn when you fail a dexterity saving throw. You failed. While wearing it, you can use your reaction to expend one of its charges. So I'm

to succeed on that saving throw instead. So I just flat out. Yeah, you begin walking into the room and your foot, your sneakers, right? Yes. Your sneakers begin coming down on something and you stop at the last second. As you begin, you just ever so slightly begin crunching on some broken glass. Oh. And you stop at the last second. You realize you would have crushed the glass if you had continued stepping that way. You were almost walking on, walking on.

on broken glass. Is this one of those lost songs that I've never heard before? You've never heard? You've heard it. Who's this by? Did I just make a music reference that he didn't know? Walking on broken

Yeah! Where is this from? It's like an 80s music. Yeah? Who's the artist? Annie Lennox! He said it! Oh, I love Annie Lennox! Apparently not! Wait, wait, from Annie Lennox? From the Eurythmics. Eurythmics, why does he say Soft Cell? Soft Cell? Let's just move on! Wow, there's glass! Hey, guys! Okay, yeah, so, yeah, you see that there's broken glass in the doorway. Oh, yeah! Come on, everyone! Oh, yeah!

It's a great song. I'm just going to write in my diary that I made a reference. Blaine didn't know. Could I use... So I have climbing. Could I use that to kind of climb onto the wall so I'm not walking on the ground? Not walking on broken glass? Not walking on broken glass. Just to kind of get over that area? Yeah, of course. You're just like Evina. Look at you go. Which one is it? It's the room. I'm broken.

Is the room dark? Is that why Chip didn't see glass? Well, it's just hard to see if you're not looking. The room itself distracts you, right? People don't walk around normally looking at the ground directly in front of them. I do.

It's called anxiety, Gus. Have you heard it? Okay, so, yeah. Mateed would then also float into the room, because I can float, and could I... You said everything disarray, but did you give any specifics? I didn't. I was waiting for y'all to walk into the room. That's my job. I've climbed into the room. So, you know, amongst...

the disordered furnishings. You see velvet seating, a pool of blood, a disheveled desk, a dusty piano, a damaged painting, a roaring fireplace, and an iron vein rack. He kind of like cycled through a lot of things, but one of those things is a little bit more important than the other things. Like a pool of blood? Oh yeah, the roaring fireplace. Look into our living room. There's a couch. They gotta be careful. They could start a fire. A volunteer fire person like Chip could be very concerned. Can I go look at the painting? Yeah. Can I go look at the pool of

You can do what you want to do. Well, one will tell you something. One probably won't.

You walk up to the painting. So from when you walk in, you know, directly across on the north side of the room is where the fireplace is. And then the painting is just to the left of that or to the west. And you see it's a marred portrait of three people standing side by side. All three are wearing red suits of armor. The person on the left is a man with a rugged frame, weathered face, but a kind smile. The next has piercing red eyes and well-groomed dark hair, which clearly portrays Count Dracula. Oh.

And the third person's face has been clawed to shreds. Oh. Could I see what color hair that third person has? Make an investigation check. With advantage? They're all in red armor? Yes. Yeah, that's kind of cool. Like Praetorian guards from Star Wars. While she's doing that, could Barney try and mend the shredded...

Painting? Yeah, let me deal with her and then we'll get to that. If you have advantage, if you roll the same thing twice, that doesn't matter. No, that's it. So it's a 12. Oh, you get to actually combine the two numbers and you get about 24. 12. But if you do it three times in a row, you go to jail. Yeah. Straight to jail. You know, you look, you're not able to really determine that.

However, you do notice something in your investigation, Elga. When you're looking at the painting, beyond the foreground of the painting, you see that in the background there's mountains. But as you look closer, you realize that they're not mountains. They're dragons, or rather dragon carcasses lying lifeless in the background of the painting. Oh.

So this painting clearly depicts Dracula with two other men. Two other people. In armor. Okay, so it's not clearly... Yeah, you can't really tell. When you were describing it, I showed John what a kind smile looks like because I believe he has never seen one in his life. So I demonstrated a kind smile. You've met my mom.

That's true. She has the kindest smile. The person on the left is definitely a man. You said rugged, kind smile. And then there's Count Drackley and the third person you're not sure about. What if Elga like crosses her eyes and like kind of gets her nose really close to the painting and then starts pulling back? I never saw those. I didn't either. I hate them. I felt like it was a trick on me. I learned how to do it like...

last week. I'm not even kidding. Yeah. I never got to it. How did mending go though? I got headaches trying to get those things to work. So Barney, you cast mending on it. Yeah. And much to your surprise, the painting does mend. It all comes back together and you get a very clear look at the third person. Who is it? He's wearing a helmet. Oh.

Oh my God. That's good. But is it more clear if it's a man or a woman or like... It's possibly a man, but yeah, still not very clear. Is he wearing a name tag? No, no name tag. I had to ask. This isn't a Walmart. So you said red suits of armor. Yes. Speaking of which, there is a red suit of armor in here, in this room. Oh my God.

Go look at it. I want to go put it on. Do you want to go look at it? Yeah. When you first walk in, now that you're in the room and you turn back to the entrance you walked in from, you see that the entrance itself, you know, there's a long woolen rug that comes out from it. And right by the door where you came in from, that doorway is flanked by a cracked alabaster sculpture and a fallen suit of red armor. That's the two sides of the door? Yeah. Does it look like the armor went on the door?

Figure? You said there was a statue? Oh, right. There's an alabaster sculpture and a red suit of armor. It doesn't look like they're necessarily related. It doesn't seem like the armor necessarily went on the statue. What's the sculpture? What's that sculpture? Elga, you ask first. Make me an investigation check. With advantage. Because I'm looking so close. 13? It just seems to be a generic sculpture of a person. You're not sure if it's a sculpture.

Specific person if it is you're not sure who it is. I don't recognize it. I also investigate Yeah, could Barney look at see the armor and see if there's any sort of like notice anything magical about it He wears armor. So yeah, I got 21 on that investigation, by the way Yeah, it just seems no one you would know specifically ship and and what does that mean? Just so I'm clear What does that mean Chris? Well, I guess he's trying to determine is this like just basic red armor or is there any sort of magical abilities potentially?

potentially to it. But I mean, like, how would you do that? Like, are you just looking at it? I mean, is it something he could put on? You should try putting it on, yeah. So you take your armor off and then put this armor on? Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I don't know how long that takes. It'd just take a couple of minutes. I was just reading a Batman Superman comic where Lex Luthor said that he could smell magic. So can we smell it? Can Barney smell magic? How about now?

Or smell anything, like maybe if it's like a familiar scent. So Barney's like a dog sniffing at it? Yeah, I mean, it'll take a little while to take your armor off and put it on, but you can definitely try that. Hey, Barney, while you're naked, I do want to warn you, this is Dracula's armor. It might carry some weird sort of weight to it. We don't know.

if it's Dracula's armor necessarily. True, but it could have some sort of curse, you know? Just be careful because like Carol died because of that belt that attached to her. We don't know what's going on. So let's like really thoroughly look this thing over before you put it on there. Can I, yeah, maybe do an arcana like check on it to see if there's, I notice anything or feel any sort of energy. Yeah, make an arcana check.

That's a 10. It's hard to tell. There is a lot of magic everywhere, you know, in general around the VAM Spire. There's a lot of unexplained things. So it's hard to tell if this is emanating magic directly itself or if it's part of something else that's strong in the area. Your armor that you normally wear is heavy armor, right? Yeah, it is heavy.

And the reason I'm asking is specifically in the player's handbook. Thank you, Ben. Ben sent me the section. Putting on heavy armor takes about 10 minutes, just FYI. Whoa. That's if you take the time to fully do it. And then to take it off, it takes about five minutes. So you take five minutes, take it off, and then 10 minutes to put the next one on. Can we just maybe look at the armor and see, like, could I look at the helmet and see if there's like any hair stuck in it?

Like, you know how, like, if you put something on your head and you take it off, it might... Yeah. CSI Vamp Spire. Did his mom maybe write his name in the tag? Make an investigation check, Elka.

You know, you take a look through the helmet and really analyze it. And there are some dark hairs inside of it. Dark hairs. Okay. From a metagame perspective, put Chris out of his misery. Because I see an opportunity for an armor upgrade. Is this something that could even fit Barney? Is this something that we have the potential to acquire? It's human size. Sure. I think it'd be kind of cool if you were wearing red armor. If this is Dracula's armor and we find Dracula and Barney is wearing his armor, I'm not explaining.

explaining that to him. He's a cosplayer. It might also be helpful while going around the vampire. Oh, yeah. Everybody's like, oh, it's Dracula. Then you go, I am Dracula. I mean, it's kind of start by just putting on the helmet. I feel how that goes.

What does Dracula sound like Miss Piggy? So you don't normally wear a helmet, right? So you don't have to take anything off. It's just a matter of putting it on. Popping it on? Yeah. You pick up the helmet and put it on your head. Make me a dexterity check, Barney. The faceplate comes clanging down. Does it bump your nose? The nine? The helmet wrestles itself and fights against you trying to put it on to your head and then flies out of your hand back to the suit of armor. More than magic armors.

Okay, so I'm not supposed to put this on. Possibly not. But you said these things are knocked over by a door? Is that what you had mentioned? They didn't get knocked over by the door. It's knocked over next to the door. Next to the door. Next door we came in. Gotcha. Can I do a cool handshake with the armor? Sure.

Make a dexterity. I'll let you choose. Make a performance check for cool handshake. It's the first ever in D&D, I think. 18. Nice. Do you want to describe your cool handshake? Yeah, come in wide, grab it at the hand, pull it in. Then I pull it out, and then I do that clap on your palms, and then we fist bump, and then we go kapoo.

Explosion. You're like, do like, like jazz hands. Fa la la la la, yes. Yeah, the hand follows in perfect sync with you and then pulls away. This armor's chill, y'all. This armor's cool. It's chill. Do you know, are there any like windows or anything like that where you can see outside in this room? No windows. There's been no windows this entire building. I'm just wondering if like we know, because this is supposed to be at the very tippy top, right? That we're supposed to be going to. It's the direction your dad said. But like, can we tell? I don't know how we would tell if we're like at the top. Does anybody have a, what do they call those things that...

Elevation... An altimeter? Altometer. Altometer? That's the one. Altimeter? Whatever he says. I don't know. He's a pilot. Yeah, I was going to say. It's an altimeter.

Where's the blood pool? As far as you know, yes, for a couple of reasons. You all did not see a way to go any higher, and you've been, as far as you know, everywhere up here now. And who went out? Elga, you went out as a bat earlier. You know that at the very top of the Vamspire, there were chimneys and ways for the bats to come in and out of the Vamspire, as well as bells at the top of the Vamspire. So you assume you must be near the top, if not at the very top. Okay.

And our ears popped. There's my dear Dracula's room after all. And there's...

Keep looking around. Pool of blood. Yeah, what's near the pool of blood? When you come in, the pool of blood is off to your left, kind of in the southwest corner of the room. And you see an extensive pool of blood cascading between two wooden partitions. Oh, like an actual pool. Like not just like blood on the ground, like a pool of blood. Once past the partitions, there appears to be a golden tub that's overturned, presumably the source of the vast pool of blood. Oh. Oh.

And next to the tub is a cracked full-length mirror splattered with blood. So no one skinned their knee. This is a fountain of feature. This is a bathtub? Yes. That had blood, and the blood has spilled over because they know somebody. It's been overturned. Overturned. And then there's a mirror. That was cracked. That's cracked. And has a splatter of blood. Yes. The blood, is it, how congealed and, like, coagulated is it? Make an investigation check. Gross. Cool word.

I assume Barney's asking this leading, trying to figure out how long it's been here. Yeah, eight, so. It still seems to be fairly fresh, not super congealed. Can I just do something? Yeah. I got a little, you know, I hate it. Is it a hemo goblin? Is this a hemo? Can I check if this is a hemo goblin? Make me an investigation check, too. You're specifically checking for hemo goblin. Yes. And while he's doing that, can I go over to the mirror? Yeah. Nine. Nine.

It's not a hemogoblin. It's not a hemogoblin. Well, you only rolled a nine, so it could be. I know for a fact this is not the hemogoblin. Okay, that's it. Could I go look at the mirror? Yeah. Could I see, like, what kind of splatter is it? Like, does it look like someone bumped into it or, like... Maybe a bloody nose snot rocket. Or, like, a handprint kind of thing. I want to go full Dexter on it. Yeah. Yeah, you walk up. Analyzing the splatter. Make me an investigation check as well. That is a...

17. It's cracked and spidered all over the place. Almost like it fell and then was, you know, put upright again. Oh. Are there footprints anywhere? Like bloody footprints? Make an investigation check.

There must have been something very chaotic going on in here. I mean, there was an earthquake. Oh, that's true. But someone picked the mirror back up, though. Yeah. So someone must have been in here recently. You all should leave the investigation to Elga, apparently. Yeah, that's why I haven't done one. That's why I haven't done an investigation the entire time we've been in this room. I mean, you have a plus one. I have a plus zero, but I do have advantage. You have advantage. Yeah. My little glasses.

Yeah, you don't notice any footprints. So while you're looking at, I'm going to step back to Elga for a second. While you're looking at the mirror, you know, trying to figure out what happened here, you know, your eyes go back to the blood splatter and you see that the blood splatters actually has numbers written in it. What? The numbers 930. 930. Does that mean anything to Elga? Make me a wisdom check.

18. Oh, sorry, 19. You remember, Elga, your mother set those numbers. Did she? She asked for Quiffly to bring the 930. Oh, so wine. What? They were offering us the party wines, and we were like, oh, it's a red, it's a Merlot, and you were like, oh, that's all. Yeah, I'm saying, what? Why is the wine number on this broken mirror? Well, because, you know, when you're in the wine business, you date it, so it's like, I want the

No, I'm asking why it's written in blood. Why is it written in blood on this mirror? On the mirror. Because maybe that's the, maybe the blood that's on the ground is the wine. And so it was like, rest in peace, the 930. You know, when someone has a question, you could just say, I don't know, John. No, he refuses. Zip. The improv's not about just lying to me.

I kind of find it kind of strange that Dracula has a mirror right next to his bathtub.

That is a little strange, isn't it? That's a weird placement. I guess he likes to watch himself take a bath. I can't remember. Do we have a reflection? Yes. Yeah, I think so. I think so. Yeah, I think we established that. So it's 930 written in blood, like on the mirror. Yes. Like, yeah. And it's like, does it look like it's like someone did it with their finger or like, how does it look?

look like it's written. Yeah. So you look at it again to try to figure out how it's written on here. And yeah, it looks like someone traced it out. Potentially, it could be traced out with a finger. Oh, really quick. I close the door. Oh, okay. Screw your Sephirotus. Make me a dexterity saving throw.

Oh, the glass. Eat my butt. I'm floating. Wouldn't they know it's there already, though? 17. Okay, yeah, you're floating over there, and then you remember at the last second about the glass and float over it and close the door. I'm floating this entire time. Can I vibe with the mirror and see if there's anything magic about it? I want to talk to it. It could be a magic mirror. Let's talk to it, then.

Mirror mirror on the floor who's up who just went and closed that door if it says Mateed then we know it's magic

You almost made his day, Gus. Oh, no. I made my day, though. Can Barney check out the fireplace? Yeah, why not? Can Mateed ponder kicking Barney into the fireplace? No. Just ponder.

There's nothing wrong with pondering. We aren't our thoughts. We are our actions. Thoughts sometimes can be kept in your head. Call it a void. But in an audio podcast, I got to let people know that Mateed's thinking about- Whenever Mateed is thinking, just have an echo-y sound effect. Oh, yeah. I wonder if I should keep barning. What?

So everyone's looking at the mirror and, you know, like a typical old man, Barney's cold. So he begins walking over to the fireplace to warm up a little bit. It's a white marble fireplace that's blazing with scarlet fire. I'm not getting colder as I get older, but that just might be because I live in Austin, Texas. You're also not old enough yet. Scarlet, does it, I mean, I think it fires typically is more like orange and yellow. Is it like- Yeah, there is sometimes red in fire, but this one definitely is redder than normal. Okay.

And is there a lot of heat coming from it? Like... Yeah, good amount of heat. Feels nice on your old bones. Does this look like a normal fireplace to you, Bartney? No. It's...

This is not a normal fire. It's gotta be a portal, right? Jump in. You're fire resistant. I am fire resistant. Yeah, try sticking your... Just full sand flying squirrel it. I dare you. He won't do it. He's a coward. I dare you. Oh, you guys, I'm gonna do it now. Is it burning on wood? It's so easy. I can see the space he wants to. That's stupid. Ha ha ha.

Do it. Do it. I'll pay you an emo piece. I'm going to go join Barney to help him investigate this fire thing. Is it burning on wood? Like, what's it? Yeah, there's wood in the fireplace. Can I dip my tail into the fire? That's your temp check of everything. Yeah. That's my tail. I don't need it. Are you asking them or are you asking me? I was asking you. I don't need that permission. I mean, yeah, you can totally put your... See, I'm going to talk to Mateed. Your tail in there. Oh, yeah, you dip your tail into the fire. I mean, there's no saving throw for that. You're putting yourself right in it.

The intense heat does burn you. However, you are fire resistant, so you take three points of fire damage. So I take one point of fire damage. No, no, no. You take three. I rolled a seven, so you take three. I have a thaumaturgy, and I can cause flames to flicker, brighten, dim, or change color. Can I try and dim the flames and see? Because I imagine if they're like normal fire, I would be able to do it. If it's magical, I may not. Doesn't thaumaturgy also work on magical fire? I don't know.

I assume it does. It's just any fire. Barney's setting the mood lighting. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you can try it. You want to do that? Yeah. Yeah, you caused the flames to dim significantly, Barney. Make me a perception check, Barney. Dracula's in the fire. 12. You know, as you're staring at it, you're watching it diminish and get smaller. You swear you can see, like, the fire almost go out. Like, it really flickers as if it's hit by, like, an intense gust of air, and then it, you know, it regains itself. A gust of air from what direction? Maybe from the west? Yeah.

Could I... Grab the little girl that has special investigative abilities for things up close. Hold my eyes up to it. Guides her face. There's something, maybe an opening to the west. Can I take a look? Yeah, just to the west of the fireplace is that painting you were investigating earlier, Elga. Oh...

Opens a painting. Okay, yeah. Let's try looking around, see if it, like, comes off at all. Opens. Oh, like pulling at it? Yeah, or like any check around. Like a secret door? Yeah. Make me a perception check, both Elga and Barney, since you're right there looking at it. They found a gust of wind. 24. Yeah.

I know it's a bad joke when Gus goes, hey. It's true. So Barney, as you're looking, both Barney and Elga, you're pulling at it, trying to like shove the painting around. It doesn't seem to budge at all. However, Barney, you notice a little corner of the canvas rippling in the air, like as if it's being hit by wind. And as you're looking at it, a sheet of paper floats by.

Barney finish. Wait, so the painting itself is rippling, and then a sheet of paper, like... Yeah, floated by on the wind. Yeah. Like a four-stone situation. Yeah, you pick it up, and it's a piece of sheet music. Okay. Maybe you play piano? No, you play piano. Here you go. What's on the music? Is it labeled? Yeah, does it have, like, a title? Yeah, it's titled Sonata of Sacred Lips by Bram S. Van Helsing. Oh. Oh.

Van Helsing. That was the guy that was trying to, they like let us pass because they said it was Van Helsing earlier. That's you. Wink, wink. Wink, wink, wink, wink, wink. Oh yeah, you wrote this. Blink, blink. Is there an organ or a musical instrument around? Yeah, it's a dirty piano. Yeah, it's a dusty piano. Can I play it? Yeah. You walk over to it. The dusty piano is just a little to the west from the painting. So it's in the center on the north wall is the fireplace. To the west of that's the painting and to the west of that's the piano. And so it's a dusty piano and all of its keys are painted black.

I play the sheet music. Yeah, make me an investigation check. A sonata of sacred lips? Yes. Knowing that Blaine doesn't actually read sheet music, I would love to have Blaine hand a sheet music and then just have him take just a wild guess. And go. 20. At what it is. I could sing it. I used to be in choir. Oh, did you do sight reading? Yeah. Uh-uh.

You want to try that again with more confidence? Yeah. Okay, there you go. 20. You sure did. Dirty 20, as Barbara would say. 30.

Yeah, you're looking at the piano and at the sheet music, and you notice some of the keys aren't dusty like the rest of it. And what's more, they're wet, but not with blood. The liquid is transparent and salty to the taste. It is! Ew! Why did I test the taste? Gus, is this someone with some sweaty palms like you and me? It could be. Sweaty high five. Yay!

Just eroding the keys. Because I know sheet music, Chepainy. Does the keys that are still kind of like wet correlate to the sheet music at all? Yeah, the keys that are wet and not dusty are the E, G sharp, A, and B flat. Of course, my favorites.

I think you did say a chord a while. What chord did you say? B. B minor. That's what you said. B minor. You said A and B flat? That is B flat, right? Did I say that right? Okay, yeah. Sorry, I'm not a music person either. While Chip's looking at the piano, could Barney light a candle and then try and follow the wind to find the source of it? Yeah, do you have a candle? Yeah. Okay, yeah. And we have fire. And when I light it with that fire, is it still red like that or is it normal colored? Yeah.

It appears to be normal colored, like the candle. What was the sheet music? I slacked Blaine the sheet music if he wants to perform it for us. Here it comes. Yes, yes, yes. Sonata of Sacred Lips performed by Chip Haney. Okay. Choir time for Blaine. Ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting. F1, a 2, a 1, 2, 3. You didn't send the sheet music. You just sent the notes. I sent the notes. Okay.

A, A, B, A, G, E, B, A, A, B. Wait, wait, I can do this. Here, I'll help you out. Ready? Oh, do you have a piano on your phone? Yeah, I do. Oh. Moolala. Great. Yeah. Everything's coming together. I'm going to give you the first key. Okay. And then you'll go from that, okay? Yeah. Okay. Maybe if you do this, something will open.

I think so. While you're setting that up, Barney, you do light the candle and follow it, and it appears to be coming from the painting itself, from the corner of the painting. The painting is blowing air. Yeah. It seems to be emanating from the painting somehow. Here's your starting pitch. All right, give me the piano. It has all the keys on it. Yeah, ready? Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo!

Inspiration Dive. Yes. Micah, I can't wait to hear what song that will be. I'm the biggest fan of playing Gibson. Let it be known. What was it again, actually? Yeah. I can actually play it since we have it. Show it. Show it to John and let him play it. It's... Nope, wrong one. That sounded cool. Wait, I'm doing it wrong. I'm not used to playing on like this little tiny thing right here. Phone keyboard. And then it's...

And with that, you hear a loud gong and a large bell resonates to the north and shakes the room. The portrait on the northern wall slides behind the fireplace, revealing a secret chamber. Yeah. Is that where the wind was?

Um... Okay.

It worked. Yay. First try. I'm going to pack away the sheet music and the bum bag. And then, I mean, does this correlate with what Barney was doing with the candle? The candle was determined that the painting itself was blowing the wind. So then there was indeed a door behind it. Yeah. A door or a magical painting of some kind. Cool. Is there anything else in this room that we want to close it behind us? If we can, yeah. Well, maybe.

Well, maybe we should go inside first. I go through the opening. Okay. I follow. Okay. Barney, Matid? I'm following. Sorry, I totally disassociated there for about a second. Did you see me? I was not here for about 10 seconds there. I don't know where I went. I think that that music that Mike has sent was like John's active music. Winter Soldier. Barney will go through it. Okay.

And I guess what do we see on the other side? Yeah, you enter a towering torch-lit hall housing three massive bells hanging in the rafters in a triangle. At the far northern end of the room is a pale man draped in a black cloak, unmoving. Uh-oh.

Could I recognize that this is Dracula? Yeah, you do recognize this, Elga. It appears to be Dracula. And sorry, he's hanging upside down. What? No. He never said that. He said he's a pale man draped in a cloak, unmoving. Yeah. I heard draped. I heard like my

My brain went upside down. Like drapes upside down. Yeah, he's dressed. Are your drapes upside down? I don't know. How do you? That's just a stereotype of vampires. So from here, you can't see too much. He's on the other side of the room, but he's lying motionless on the ground. Could I run up to him? Yeah. You run up across the room and you see, as you get closer, you can tell it definitely is Dracula. It's a pale man with well-groomed hair.

dressed in a black cloak that glistens red on the inside as if trickling with blood. His eyes are closed and he's lying motionless on the ground. One hand is holding an empty vein bottle. Vein bottle? What's the vein thing? Does it have the number 930 on it? Make me an investigation check. Maybe it's poison. Maybe it's Maybelline. Eleven. I think we have to kiss now. Yeah, it does have a very fancy label that says 930.

Can I determine if he's dead? Like dead dead? Make a medicine check? Question mark?

Yeah. Because if he has no pulse, we're like, oh, thank God, he's still Dracula. Right. Oh, no, his heart's beating. That's 15. And here's what I could do if I don't determine anything normally. I have a piece of silver and I could like press it lightly up against it. I mean, that just drains their energy. Well, wouldn't it like hurt? Yeah. Does it just drain their energy or would it like burn them? It would hurt. However, your medicine check was sufficient. You know, Dracula is not dead, dead, re-dead. Not actual dead. Yeah.

If he's on his last limb, maybe we should not do the silver. Is he laying down, like face down? No, on his back. Do we have any potions or something that would help with this? Were we ever given? I think

I think I might have a healing potion. Wouldn't Dracula want blood, though? Is there any chance that Chip Haney would have, you know, because it's such a pivotal, like, core moment in his life, would have memorized the smell of that poison that was in...

Carol's thing. Well, I mean, Chip worked for many years as an assassin, so he would have intimate knowledge of all of this stuff. So I would say he would definitely remember that. Check the butter for the same poison. Okay.

Oh, yeah, and you tasted it. Who are you pointing at? You're pointing at someone. Elga, because you tried to suck it out of Carol. Oh, right. Nice bit of Elga. And you had to do like a check. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I felt a little gross, but that was fine. All right, let's figure this out. Is this the poison? Is this Eddie? Make an investigation check for me, Chip. Okay. We'll deal with that first, and then if necessary, we'll deal with Elga. It's a 13. No, you do not smell any poison in this bottle. You said he has wounds of some sort? Nope. Nope. No wounds.

He said he's holding the bottle. He's not upside down. All the blood and stuff. I was like, and he's... He doesn't have any blood on him. He doesn't have any blood. So, Gus, he's wearing orange parachute pants and holding a trident made of jello. You know, Dracula stuff. So here's what I'm confused about amongst many things. He's holding this bottle. It says 930, which is the bottle that Elga's mother asked Quiffly to get.

And it's also written on that mirror. So it's like, was... She has to get it for who? For us. Yeah. To like celebrate. Your mommy's bad. Was she bad? But also, I'm curious, like who would write it on the mirror? Dracula? Like, is he trying to give us a clue? Is someone trying to say like... He might've like swigged it, known that it's poison, tried to do the little thingy there to like let someone know so I did it. And then he stumbled into his secret room. Can I check Dracula's... This is a theory. Can I drag Dracula's fingers for blood from figure painting time? It sounded like you said Dracula.

said Drekchakulus fingers. I'm just very excited. Yeah, make an investigation check. Why not? What's the button I have to push to see investigation view so I can see all the fingerprints on the ground? Nice. It's a right bumper. Thank you. You see some on his hand, but it seems like it's not just on one finger. It's on all four. And on his palm. He's got a lot on his hand. Does this match any of the

from the piano? Has he been crying? Are his eyes pumping? Well, no, it wasn't blood on the piano. It was tears. It was not blood. What would happen if perhaps you gave him some blood? Yeah, sure. I still have my sippy cup of satiation. Oh, there you go. Before... Or if you... Could Barney take his chains and wrap them around Dracula? Dracula might give you cocaine? Because I don't... Is...

It's pastel form. He's not going to hurt us. Maybe if he wakes up. Are you going to, like, put it around his body, around his hands? Like, give me, paint me a picture. Well, put it around his body, and I'd use one of those nails and, like, bend the nail so that it, like, keeps it from, yeah. Yeah, you kind of, like, put a bend into it. Yeah. Yeah, you start, you know, messing around, you know, trying to put this stuff on Dracula, and as you're doing that, he very quickly shoots up and sits up. Oh.

Uh, and screamed, "Aha! You've come for another bout, you behemoth of scales!" And he lashes out at you with a weapon he had hidden. Okay. Hitting AC 29. Yeah, that's gonna hit. Yeah. Uh... He hits you, uh, with his pipe, Barney.

Doing? Is he drunk? We'll address that in a second, huh? We all assumed it was poison, but he could have just drank it. He just had it. He was having a night. He's like, note to self, by the 930. 16 points of piercing damage. This is good. 16? 16. Yeah. 60? 16. And all of you make a charisma saving throw. Charisma? Okay. Charisma saving throw. I will

I rolled an 11 on that. I also rolled an 11. I rolled... Not 11. A 7. I rolled a 13. And I might have some sort of thing that can help me. I don't... No, I don't. Go on. He lashes out with a pike that he had on his person. He has a fish! So as he strikes at you, Barney, the pike lets out a really loud shriek of supersonic energy that hurts all of your heads.

It is a fish. It's a screaming fish. And then everyone takes seven points of damage. Seven points of what damage? Supersonic damage. You stop it. Thunder damage. I had seven tenth HP, which now is gone. That's addition to the... Correct. Okay. I await you.

Ah, he's drunk. Dracula? More like Drunkula. I'm all right, everybody. Inspiration die. I have uncanny dodge when an attacker you can see hits you with an attack. You can use the reaction to half the attack's damage. It doesn't hit. It's like an area of effect. It's not like a targeted thing. I'm sorry. I'm trying to be Max. It's annoying. I've impaled you once, you fanged fire breather. And I shall do it again. Dragoon.

Oh, he's like having like flashbacks. I think you are thinking we are someone else and we are not the person who you thought before. He turns away from you. Come now, Bram. Show yourself and aid me once more. Let's send them all back into the ground. As Van Helsing. Bram, what did you do with Bram?

Bram? Bram Van Helsing. Van Helsing. Yeah, I'll double check the sheet music. That's Bram Van Helsing was the name, right? Was it Bram Helsing or Van Helsing? Bram Van Helsing. Yeah, what was on the sheet music? Could you look at it, Chip? Yes, that's what it was. Bram S. Van Helsing. Bram S. Van Helsing. He writes wonderful lullabies. Maybe they were lovers. Then he turns back and faces you all somehow a little unsteady on his feet. So he's drunk. Why is he drunk? Do you guys get drunk?

What are you doing here? To find you. Well, here I am. I thought you've been acting kind of weird. You're acting weird. This is fantastic. Okay, well, I don't know how to do this. We finally found the guy we need to talk to, and he has inebriated out his butt. You're inebriated out of your butt. Does anyone have anything that could, like... Is there a cold shower close by?

Maybe some bread. Do you have any coffee? Oh, no. I think I stole that from Micah from an earlier intro. Where's mud when you need it? There's something in my inventory called Boutour de Mint. Wait, we're in like the room with a bunch of bells? Yeah.

Don't do it. Don't do it. I go up and kick the bells a bunch. What? I don't know. I'm just trying stuff. Yeah. So they're massive bells yoked high in the rafters arranged in a triangle. They appear to be crafted with bronzed wastes.

Blackened clappers and red lips and dangling from each bell are silk ropes. Maybe pulleys? Yeah, I pull bell number two, bell number one, and then bell number three. Okay, the bell tower begins resonating with the sounds of the bells ringing. Everyone. I start yelling, sanctuary. Wait, but you said something was a lip. What does that mean in this situation? It's like the rim around the edge. Is that sacred lips? Could be this ring.

Oh. These are sacred lips. Wait, how many notes were on your thing? No, it was more than three notes. Yeah, yeah. Well, it opened the room to the sacred lips. Oh, that's smart. Inspiration dice department. She already had one. I just gave her one. I'll give you another one. Everyone make me a constitution save. Me? Yeah, everyone. 16. 16. Use your dice. Use your dice like a big boy. Oh, yeah, thank you. I just need to see my modifier. Seven. However, I have a constitution thingy that helps me be constitutive.

You're also drunk. I'm not drunk. Matide, take it to the pottle. Maybe I don't. The pottle? I know I have something on my sheet that says constitution, but whatever. What happens? The sound is so loud, it like shakes you to your core. It makes you unable to concentrate or think for a little while. Okay. You weren't thinking straight anyways, Matide. I like bells. Does that happen to just Matide? Yeah, everyone else rolled well enough. Dracula's covering his ears with his hands and like,

squeezing his eyes really close, really tight. He still seems a little unsure on his feet. Could I take my sippy cup of satiation and stick the straw in his mouth and give him some sips? Yeah, why not? You know, his eyes are closed and he's covering his ears, so you stick the straw from the sippy cup in his mouth. He instinctively begins drinking. And this should regain 4d4 plus 4 hit points for him. Yeah, go ahead and roll that for me. He's becoming more powerful.

So that's going to be nine plus four. So that will be 13 HP. Okay. Yeah, it seems to have a restorative effect. He seems a little more sure-footed, doesn't swing as much on his feet. Then his eyes open and looks at all of you all and says, Oh, I'm so sorry. Were you celebrating, Dracula? You've been hitting the bottle a little bit there. I've much on my mind. Plenty regrets.

And he looks at you all, each of you directly in the eyes. Bonjour, my name is Mati Conficis. We are here on behalf of Monsieur Von Brath, who is currently incarcerated in your sylveon. I am his esteemed counsel. I forgot. Barney doesn't say anything. And that's Barney. He probably won't talk to you. He's got a bit of an attitude towards vampires for many reasons. You hate to understand.

It was over a thousand years ago and we were all delirious when we arrived. Back then it was Adrian Van Ripper, Imhotep, Dr. Frank Victor and his brother Stein, the Blob, Nessie, the Wolfman, myself, and of course my half-brother Hugo. - Let's go into the peace treaty? - Yes, of course.

It was difficult. None of us could recall our lives from before, just vague impressions and details. We were all scrambling for answers, nearly at each other's throats with threats. That's when we came upon a man, a human man, and his family at the edge of some farmland. I tried asking the man where we were and how we had arrived here, but he wouldn't say.

In retrospect, it was simple miscommunication, but tensions were high. Yuko, my half-brother, flew off the handle and took the man's family as ransom. I think he thought this would motivate the man to loosen his tongue, but it had the opposite effect. The man did nothing. He stood frozen and didn't follow after us. I don't think I ever saw the man again.

Until today. Dracula looks straight at you, Barney. Sorry doesn't begin to express my guilt and regret for not stepping in. I could have stopped Hugo, but blood is thicker than water. As I understand it, they're all still here. Hugo kept them for himself, put them to use. I wanted no part in it.

I was more focused on searching for meaning in this world. I found faith in something bigger than me. I became a devoted believer in the Great Maw. I now know it was what we now call "thonoloc". That's also where I met the man who inspired me with such devotion and fierce fervor like I had never witnessed before. Abraham Stoker Van Helsing.

Or as I called him, Brahm. He was a man of unfathomable faith and persistent passion. I couldn't help but fall in love with him. But it wasn't just our spirituality behind it going. We were both skilled warriors. Between Hugo, Brahm and myself, there wasn't a beast alive or undead that could match our power and passion.

But none of us were ever satisfied, each in our own ways. It wasn't until later that I learned that the root of Bram's passionate faith was an unhealthy obsession with a way out of this world, a life beyond this one. He hoped, or rather was convinced, that his faith would free him from this world. A world plagued with monstrosities and bloodshed.

He was unshaken with the belief that if he baptized himself in Groteth's sacred lake, Loxasenus, then he would be rewarded with a world beyond this one. For weeks I tried to dissuade him, thinking it was going to change his mind. But I couldn't stop him. He took the plunge and... we never found his body.

Not only did my love die that day, but so did my faith and hope for this world. Now I leave it to those who are still devoted, like this feratu. As for my half-brother, well, he couldn't outrun his paste of misdeeds.

His ravening's caught up to him and none of you will ever have to worry about Hugo again. I only wish I had done something sooner.

Barney pulls up a crossbow and aims it right at his chest. You express regret? Oh, very much. But you've done nothing? You're complicit. Sounds like you didn't do anything either, Barney. Barney gives the most... It looks at you like he's never looked at you before. Could I grab the crossbow out of his hand? You can make a strength check to see if you're able to grab it. And then, Barney, if you want to hold on to it, you could also make a strength check as well. Eighteen.

I share a very uncomfortable look with Mateed. The party's fighting. 17. Yeah, Elga very quickly, Elga's really super strong. She's able to grab it quickly out of your hand, Barney, before you have time to think. And Dracula says, I wouldn't blame you.

I did not perform the actions myself, however I waited too long to carry out justice. You did nothing! I wish I had done something sooner. You did nothing! But I am trying to rectify my past mistakes now.

Wait a second. You're saying that you and your friends, or you and your companions... That's like half-brother and then... Well, no, I'm going way back. All the people, like the blob and all of that, you don't remember how you came to this land? No, we don't.

That is interesting. Very, very vague recollections. Is there anything to do with the Ma and the Pa? Wait, what is the Ma? I do not know what this Ma is. He's a deity of some kind? I believe that the Ma provides order and provides a way to better ourselves.

Did you meet Zama? No. Then what inspired you to make a treaty together from Zama? How did you discover Zama? Who told you about it? Did some nice people in white shirts and ties come and talk to you about it with a book? Did they knock on your door? They came on bicycles. Yeah, they came on bicycles. We learned from those who were here before us. The dragons. Oh.

Ah, did you kill the dragons? Well, they're no longer here. That was yet another mistake in a line of many. Okay. I also am assuming the painting we saw was of Dracula, Bram, and Hugo. Oh, ask him. The painting in your room, Dracula, is that you, Bram, and Hugo? Yes. Okay. There we go. Bram himself.

With that, you start to hear footsteps and about 10 Sviratu rush into the room. What would have included them in to come here into this room where the bells are? Maybe all the ringing of bells. We would never know. Is Hugo's last name Vixie by any chance? Before you get a chance to get an answer to that, the Sviratu address you all. And you hear a loud voice booming throughout all of Fangpick. The tribunal is about to commence.

Those wishing to provide testimony should proceed to the capillary at once. Dracula, you need to help me. They're going to prosecute my father. Prosecute? Oh, I'm sorry. Prosecute. Oh, you're... Oh, prosecute, prosecute. Suddenly you care about family? Oh, shut up, Barney. The bells have rung. It must begin. You should come and provide testimony. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

I go up and I'm still up there. I ring the bells again. Does that negate? We must proceed with double time. I do it again. Quadruple time. There's got to be a... I thought this was the next morning, though, that they were going to do that. It hasn't been like a whole... I think I expedited it. The bells have been rung. Amongst all the chaos, I pull Barney to the side and say, I know, pal, this is a real complicated mess, my friend. Leave

We'll get your family, Barney. They are here. Barney looks at you and says, if you get between me and my family again, we're... How have I ever gotten between you and your family? What you just did. From stopping you from killing Dracula? I didn't kill...

Okay.

I mean, Ma. Great Ma. The Sephirot to kind of put some space between you. A couple of Sephirot to stand between you and begin guiding you all to the doors that you had just entered from. Dracula, can you come with us to help?

Well, yes. I must oversee the tribunal. But like, can you like, you know, go in favor of Count Van Braff because he's a good dude. Judgment will be passed against the accused on the side of justice. I go in for a handshake with Dracula and when he takes his hand back, there's a emo piece in his hand. Ooh, big spender. And I wink at him. Left or right eye? Left.

Left. Oh. The best one. Okay. Yeah, Dracula. What do I roll to see if I fixed everything? Make a persuasion check. I rolled a two. Modifier of 18. Persuasion plus two, so four. You did it. Do you advise me to use my inspiration dice for this moment? He puts the hemo piece back in your hand and says, Justice cannot be spayed.

And he's escorted out of the room by the Sfraatu. I just want to remind you, Barney, they also did not kill your family. They are here. You have seen them with your own two eyes. Turned them into slaves. They stole them and turned them into slaves. Well, he did, and Dracula did, and he said Hugo did. Yeah. Remember? He was there.

You were also there. Barney, there's been a lot of mistakes that were made. And, you know, like, is he super innocent? No. But he's also not, like, the sole person that's responsible and is guilty. But I understand the emotions are high. This is a super stinky situation. But I do think right now we need to gear Dracula to work in our favor. And then, you know, we can pass judgment if the time comes to that. But for now, I think we got to just...

Play it cool. Don't make any brash sudden movements, decisions. Okay. I'm going to leave. Okay. Bye-bye, gang. Do you head to the capillary then, Chip? Yeah, I'm going to head that way. And everyone? Okay. Y'all walk out, you know, to the south and the iron door to the capillary is open wide and you enter that same wide antechamber with a font of blood in the center. You notice as the other counts enter, they dip two fingers in the blood and touch their fangs.

Beyond the font, you pass through an archway into a long triangular hall with barbed columns, rows of pews, stone coffins along the wall, and several red-hot graziers. Bloodstone tiles run northward down the center of the room. And you all are free to sit wherever you like here. I think, Mateed, you might have a favorite seat already in mind. I sit back next to my friend. Is he still there? Is he still there? Yes, still the same spot. I sit next to him and I go, DJ, am I right?

What did you say it was? Thank goodness it's Fangpick. Yeah. Yeah, so you can sit wherever you want, but I assume you all are going to want to sit in that main room. I'll sit next to my client, Mr. Van Broth.

If you don't want me to do this. So you would have to sit up close to the front end of the northern end of the room. I am his legal counsel. I would seem so. I think so. Elga and Barney, do you have any specifications for where in the room you would want to be sitting? Is there something that or some place that Elga should sit or stand if she's the one like defending him? You imagine that you will probably be called upon for that. Okay, so I'll sit somewhere that's easy for me to get up. On the way there, Barney would...

I hold your hands up to him. I say, "Okay, just don't point it at anybody who might be able to help us, okay? That's not the way to get answers here." Don't tell me what to do. I just did. As you find your seats, you see a raised dais with black seats arranged in a V, and at the peak, a large bloodstone throne where Count Dracula sits with his head in his hands.

You hear another loud gong, force brought to come marching in from the southern archway down the center aisle. On their shoulders is a silver coffin that gleams in the red firelight. As they reach the steps of the dais, they lay the coffin down, fasten it to silver chains attached to the ground, and take their seats alongside Dracula. The tribunal for Count Von Brecht has now commenced.

An anonymous informant has come forth and accused Count von Breth of breaking the Vanian vows. He has granted a foreigner entry into the Vamp Spire without permission, smuggled a vampire outside of Vania without permission, and trafficked silver into Vania.

"What does the accused have to say for themselves?" A small trapdoor opens at the head of the coffin and a voice calls out from it. "Not guilty! My actions have been wildly misconstrued. You all know my stirring reputation!" Dracula eyes the coffin with raised eyebrows for a moment, then proceeds. "Very well. We will now proceed with testimonies."

Does anyone wish to come forth and testify on behalf of Count von Breith's character or actions? I do. Everyone turns and looks at you, Elga. Dracula says, We recognize Elga von Breith.

Okay, where do I go? I just stand up here. Please step forward. And he points up front, close to the dais. Okay, so I'm like an open book. Just feel free to ask me any questions. I'll be happy to answer them. What experiences do you have to testify to the character of the accused? Oh, where do I begin? So,

This is exactly how a child would testify. And he gives us light-line snaps.

snacks and let's just watch TV late at night in the early morning, should I say. And, you know, he only wanted me to go to, you know, explore the world and also to do, you know, check out the Peace Parade, which I think is good research for us here in Viennia to know, you know, how the other cultures and people are living. You know, important things.

The man of culture. Thank you, Miss Von Brath. You're welcome. Thank you, ma'am. My father now. One father, please. We await further testimony from Countess Von Brath. Countess Von Brath steps forward, but as she's walking forward to where, like how you were at the front of the room, you hear your sister Avena shout out. Lunacris! You know my father.

He bravely fought in the Tarkonic Discord. He has been a faithful Count in Vania for hundreds of years and no one has contributed more to the Vamps' architecture and infrastructure than him. He should be released

Yeah. The true culprit of these crimes is in this very room. Someone who left the vamp spire and just so happens to arrive back in Vania on the day my father is accused and apprehended. I stand up with the guy next to me and go, yes, he's right there. I got him. I got him. He's right there. I love it as that thing where she's like looking all around her because surely she cannot be talking about her. Well, like you, Liam just whispers and shifty eyes furtively passing around the room. My own son!

That twist! The whole room erupts into gasps and scoffs and everyone make me a perception check. This is getting juicy. 21 for Elga. 24. 23!

Eighteen. Those are all really good. Yeah, we're all perceiving. As everyone's, you know, gasping and scoffing at these accusations, all four of you notice something in the corner of your eye. Uh-oh. You see a battler come in late to the proceedings and sit down in the northeast corner of the room. What? Avena continues. She has always been jealous of my father and simply wants him out of the picture.

Order! Order! That is enough! Miss Von Breth, that is a serious accusation. But if you have no evidence to back up such a claim, I will ask you to return to your seat.

Does anyone else wish to testify? Naveena once again sits down and a sneer widens across her face. She and the Countess immediately start quietly going at each other with sharp whispers. A familiar battler steps forward to the dais. So the same, uh, the way they came in late? Yes. Count Von Brath has been nothing but kind to me ever since we first met. He welcomed me into his home, offered me a job, and I believe he should be free!

The battler lunges at the coffin and with a ker-chunk the lid opens. The radiance around the casket subsides and out steps a pale man with blonde curly hair wearing a top hat, black suit and a red ascot. Count Von Braath addresses you all. Oh, such hospitality. Why, thank you, Eddie.

And with a swoosh, the battler's robes billow and swirl, transforming into a skinless figure with green veins, green eyes, and a grin of jagged teeth. Don't mention it, Hugo! Barbra's face! Barbra's face! Ah!

So this is awkward. I let him suck my finger. I want my butt back. Find out if Chip gets his blood back on the next episode of Tales from the Stinky Tractor. My dad is Hugo! Your dad is Hugo! Oh.

Well, find out what happens on the next episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. There are many ways little stinkers can support the show. Commenting on social media, rating us on podcast services, interacting with us in Discord, or telling friends about the show by word of mouth. Stinkers like Sticky underscore Charles, Demonic Turtle, Travioli98, Watermelon,

and Buggy52. These people are directly supporting the show and they get access to more great content like Second Wind, interacting with us on our subscriber-only Discord channels and events and more. Again, we can't thank you enough for your support that lets us make this show. Want to give a quick shout out to a couple of our friends that voiced NPCs in this episode. Voices like Count Dracula, voiced by Andre Ouellette at Andre Krat, K-R-E-T. Count Von Brath, voiced by Trevor Collins at underscore Trevor C. Avena Von Brath, voiced by Kristen Nelson at

Kristen Alin, Eddie, voiced by Andrew Rosas, at Mr. Andrew Rosas, and Sfratu, voiced by David Saunier, at David underscore Saunier. The Stinky Dragon Channel is managed by Ben Ernst. This episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon was produced by Kai Cooke, written, edited, and composed by Michael Reisinger, with additional editing work by David Saunier. Tune in next time for another thrilling episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon.

Yeah, I could eat like a f***. Let me take it. Wow. Gus gets talking about cheese and all the explicits come out. I dare you.