[One Shot] Apparition of the Aria! - LIVE @ RTX 2023
01:39:42 Share

Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.

Welcome to the Tales from the Stinky Dragon podcast panel. We've got our four players with us today. Of course, as always, leading the pack coming out here, we got Barbara Dunkelman, followed, of course, by Blaine Gibson, Mr. Chris Damaris.

And finally, of course, John Reisinger. This is fancy. This is nice out here. It's very nice. Yeah. Yeah. I like how we've got physical character sheets and we don't trust that the internet's actually going to work. Chris was in a panic trying to get onto the Wi-Fi because he doesn't trust his own math. So he's like, I need to get on D&D Beyond. We need to extend the panel by five minutes so Chris can get here. It's a great bit. It reminds me of...

It reminds me of... Anyone here last year for the Stinky Dragon panel? I had to hobble up on stage in my little Bartlet. Oh, yeah. That took a while. Of course, I am your dungeon master, Gustavo Sorolla, but... Yeah! I...

I do not do this job alone by any stretch of the imagination. We've got Micah Reisinger somewhere out there. I don't know where. And Ben. Ben's back. Oh, there's Micah over there. Hey, stand up. Stand up. Yeah. Oh, and this is Ben bringing us pens. Ben. Ben. Ben. Thank you, Ben.

All right. It's going to take me a second here to finish getting settled, get my stuff open. So this is tough. Don't have one monitor. You know, I always complain about how many monitors I have and how big they are. So this is a this is going to be a tough one. I've got six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11 open right now.

I like how you still have the screen, though. I didn't know we were going to have this. This is cool. Yeah. I feel like I'm in middle school again. Now, Chris, this is called a player's handbook. Normally, when you play Dungeons & Dragons, you have one of these. Did I sign this? Oh, never mind.

The rules that you like to break are right in here, Chris. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool. Good to know. I'm such a bad producer. I didn't know we were doing grotesque characters. Oh, really? I was like, I got it easy. I can do mud any day. And then when you guys were like, we're doing grotesque, I was like, I got to do my tea today. Okay. In front of a live audience. Yeah, sure. So. Well, don't worry. Micah wrote plenty of NPCs with interesting accents for me to do. Thank you, Micah.

You got to work for it. Yeah, I got to work. Let's see how my Italian accent plays out. Here in a little bit. Let's see. Hey, if Chris Pratt can do it, you can do it. You can do an Italian accent. He did a little one. It's a me, Mario. Yeah. Hey, it's me, Mario. That's great. I like that. Thank you. All right. Well, let's go ahead and get things underway.

Good day to all you gadabouts. Hover your way into the Stinky Dragon and buy our latest brew, all in a flutter float. It's a mixture of Butterfly's Cream, Nourish Nosh Syrup, Cold Branch Brew, Whipped Wing Cream sprinkled with air. One mouthful from this moth-eaten mug, you'll be ready to take anyone under your wing.

Now, without further ado, I introduce you all to the party from the gothic world of Groteth, your adventuring party. First, this old man never makes mistakes, just clerical errors. It's Barney Farny. Hello! Second, this tiefling puts the can back in Thieves' Cant. It's Chip Haney. Hey there!

I'm going to go around and shake everyone's hand individually. Here I go. Keep going. Hi there, Chip. Pleasure to meet you. Yes, chapstick for all of you. Third, this little girl always has veins on her brawny brain. It's Helga Von Bratt. Hi there, Chip. Hey there. Hell, I know you two. Hey, good to see you. Oh, wow. God, gee, good to see you. Hey there. And finally, this Arakrokan monk rarely lies. Otherwise, you'd see right through them. It's Matee Contisius.

Bonjour. Good to see you. Oh, hey. Is there any way we could... Oh, that's awful. That's great. All right. I volunteer. Now, nab some nectar. Let's nestle in because it's time for a noxious narrative. By the way, you did that in one take. Yeah, those were takes.

I say that because you don't normally do it in one take. I rehearsed. They're also hearing it without the voice filter over it, too. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, that's how I like my Gus. Raw. Raw. Raw dogging Gus.

So, yeah, normally I'm not as worried when we're recording. It's like if it takes me a couple takes, we're just going to do the best one. Here it's like, oh, we're live. They're going to see me if I mess up. So I need to be on top of it. You don't get to see the bowling that takes place behind the scenes. All right, everyone. So, you know, if you were here last year, like I think Barbara asked, you know that we try to get a little bit of audience participation when we have an audience like this.

So for this story, this will make more sense as we get into the story, but whenever anyone says apparition or aria, the audience must sing three notes in their best operatic voice. Can we practice that? Well, it's the audience. Do you all want to practice? That's what I mean. So whenever anyone says apparition, and then after they do that, the party must sing anything they say for the next 30 seconds. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

It's like we make them do something, but then we have to do something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Correct. Anytime I say, you know, we're talking and I say, which sounds like, we're going to call upon a random audience member to provide the sound effect. Oh, live foley. Like that. Do we want to get a couple people lined up at the mics? We have mics that are going to be roving around. Awesome, awesome. Stop producing. We also, we just toyed with a last minute idea here. We were talking about it this morning.

Oh, I got you, Micah. We're testing it out this morning. We're going to do something we call audience-piration. Oh. Which is whenever one of you rolls a d20 check or attack or saving throw, if you don't like the roll, you can elect to defer to the audience, and someone from the audience will randomly roll for you in its place. How many times can we do that? Once per this recording. Oh, okay. And the audience roll is the one that... You have to take that one. Copy that. Yes. All right. Who's got good luck hands?

All right. Are you all loaded up up here? Everyone good to go? What are we doing? All right. Well, everyone, right off the bat, make me a perception check. Sure. Oh, we're off to a good start today. Oh, no. I've got a mixture of in-person and D&D Beyond. This is hell. 18. 18. 18. I'm looking for my... Play D&D yesterday. Sir. I rolled an 11.

What do I see? Once Barney tells me what his role is, I'll be able to tell you. Ten. Are you sure? Are you a plus zero on perception? I'm looking. It's in front of you. On the piece of paper. Underneath your chin. Perception. Plus four. So that is 14. There you go. Thank you. Everyone applaud Christopher's math.

Chris, your nose is bleeding from that. The sheer exertion. Elga and Barney, you wake up on a red velvet carpet in a candlelit room decorated with stone statues and dramatic poses. Kinky. I'm a child! You're 400 years old. What? Chip and Mateed, both of you notice that down the hall there's two stairways heading east and west and there's a set of double doors heading north.

East and West Stairways, door North. Yeah, the last thing you all can remember is... The last thing you all can remember is you were hired by someone by the name of Major Arschloch to investigate a missing persons case. Arschloch. Arschloch? Why did he come to the two foremost criminally, like, you know...

This takes place after we get obviously, you know, vindicated and released on... For the murder of Wolfman. Yeah. Okay, all right. This is a time skip. My cloak is broken. Major Arschloch wanted you to investigate a missing person, his fiancée by the name of Casey Daltz in the town of Castrupe. Now, is Major with us in the hallway?

I'll get to that in a moment. Kastupe is populated by squidwars, which we're all very familiar with. I don't like sponge boobs. Or partricks. They're humanoids whose upper half is dwarf and lower half is squid. Is it? No. While you were following up on leads near the Aria Theater, you all heard an alluring song.

Ow, my ears hurt. Hi. It's beautiful over here. Wow, look at this hallway. What interior design are those wood floors? He sounds like a newsie. That's my cigar. You steal another. They didn't say apparition. Is it aria? That's both, right? Oh, they didn't

You sang as Bart. That's very true. Different character. Different character. You heard an alluring song, probably sang by the audience, that drew you into the doors. And the next thing you knew, you were waking up in here. We enter a room and don't remember what happened. Yeah, it's kind of hazy. And now you're waking up in this room that you're in. I need my muscle cream.

All right, whose turn is it to put on Barney's muscle cream? It is not mine at all. I refuse to do it. No, you skipped out the last four times, Mateed. It gets all over my face. Yeah, well, that's part of being part of this party, all right? Yeah. Mateed takes it and puts the cream on their beak and just is rubbing him. There you go. Like a toucan against a branch. You missed a spot down by the buttocks. Lower. Lower.

I wrote the fan fiction like this one year. Mateed gets up, stretches their wings, and tries to look around, see is there any sign of how we ended up here? Is there anything on the floor? Did anybody pee themselves? No comment. I don't like the accusation. Yeah, what do you think? Let's call it make an investigation check. Yeah, I love that. All right. I...

Make your bird investigation. 17. Oh, good. That's a really good one. Good rolls today, John. Who? My feed. So you look around for anything out of the ordinary. Yeah. And you realize, you know, you'd examine the room a little more closely and it looks like it could be the foyer for a theater.

It's a candlelit room that's decorated with stone statues in dramatic poses. All right. Down the hall are stairways leading up to the east and the west, as you previously saw, and a set of double doors to the north. There's a single door to the south that you suspect maybe that's where you came in from. So it sounds to me like we're in... It sounds like you're trying to describe a theater kind of setting? Yeah, kind of like a foyer where you first enter. And the stairs would be like...

like mezzanine that kind of thing exactly interesting four ways to go and four of us i think you should go as a south wind and uh because your investigation was so high you do notice that each uh uh stone statue of a different squid war is uh conveying a different emotion oh how many wait sorry how many are there four there's four oh uh could i go look at what emotions they're all portraying yeah roll me a d4

D4 is the pyramid. Jesus, that didn't help at all. We have this. Uh, three. Three. You walk up to the first one closest to you and it looks like a very sad squid wharf. Okay. Could I make also a sad face in front of him and I say, I feel you. Like I stop sometimes. Elga, why are you so blue? What's the matter there, kiddo? Am I choking? No.

No, you're not choking. You know, I have a theory. I think that I'm going to try that door just for the heck of it. Which one? Which one? There's a set of double doors to the north and a single door to the south. Oh, the double doors because we came in through the south, I'm guessing. Yes. And if it's locked, I bet it has to do with these statues. These statues are suspicious. So can I go try the door? No, it's sad. Thank you, Barney. Yeah, so you walk up to the double doors and try to open them. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, you open a, you walk up to the doors and open them. What's your armor class? And there's 13.

13. Okay, yeah. You open up the doors and it opens into a large room. And you see rows of upholstered seats facing an elevated stage and a shallow orchestra pit beneath it. Okay. I close the doors and I say, uh, opera. I don't know. Big room. Opera? Orchestras. Is it the Aria Theater? I think I hear opera! Opera!

You know, as luck would have it, I think it is. I mean, I think it is. Ha-cha-cha-cha. Jazz hands. What do you guys want to do? You want to mimic these statues for the heck of it? Did anything happen when Elga made the sad face to the statue? Make a perception check. While she's doing that, I'd like to go to another statue. Sure, roll me a d4. Actually, roll me a d6, sorry. A 15. Nothing out of the ordinary seems to catch your eye. A 3. A 3.

You walk up to one and it is depicting anger. It's a very angry looking squid wharf. I realize that I'm a Eric Cochran and displaying emotions is hard with a beak.

and I try to do an angry bird face. Oh, that's funny. The red one or the yellow one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, I try, yeah, I try to mimic it as well. All of a sudden, a pig busts down the door. Oh no! Breaks through the wall. Uh, make me a performance check. A performance. Lovely. That is, uh, 16. Wow. Uh,

Yeah, it's really, you know, you channel your anger. All of your compatriots get scared of you very briefly, but nothing seems to happen with the statue. Perhaps you two should also go over and find a statue to mimic. Okie dokie. Mimic. Mimic. Elders first. You go ahead, Barney. It makes sense you're playing a child. You have the humor of one. Burned. Thank you. I rolled a one at that moment.

Oh, thank you. You're on top of the game there. You walk up to one, and it's depicting the emotion of happiness. Oh! I think there's a friendly-looking fellow up there. We should go say hi. Why don't you smile at him, Bernie, see if anything happens? Yeah, Bernie, smile more, huh? Yes, you should smile more. You're so pretty. Come on, baby cakes. No, no. Whoa. Yeah, no. Whoa.

Make a performance check. Oh, I'd be happy to. If we're, like, performing emotions. Yeah, well, I mean, if you're not actually that emotion, you're performing it. 12. Acting. Yeah. 12. Yeah, you give your best crooked smile to the squid wharf. Nothing seems to happen. Oh, Bell's palsy back, I see. Two yards. All right, I go to the last statue. You walk up to the last statue, the last squid wharf. Let me guess. Yes.

laughing hilarious you want a recap of what we've done well we've got we got anger from a deed we got sadness oh from Ilga and we got happiness from Bernie happiness constipation that is a classic fourth emotion yes constipation saving throat 19 shit your pants no swearing PG show it's a surprise oh

You do a performance roll? Do a performance check. Voila! Come on! Shhh, plus four. Can I also go... What did you roll first? A four. Roll again with advantage because Barney scared you. There's a 20. Not a nat, just a 16 plus four. Don't get excited, not right yet. Not yet. No, nothing seems to happen.

So we're all for making those expressions and nothing seems to happen. Correct. Okay. Great job. Well, there goes five minutes of our lives. I don't have much left. Major Arschloch says... Major what? Major Arschloch stirs and says, Mama Mia, what are we doing here? Oh.

No, no. That's the only try I'm going to give this entire episode. Let's keep investigating. Why are the hands every time? That's it. That's how you know it's Major Arschloch if you see the hands. Okay, well, at least let's remember the four emotions. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's smart. Matide nods and heads into the theater area. Actually, no. I want to go up the stairs. Do you want to head to the east or to the west? Let's just go to the east.

Does everyone else follow or are you all splitting up? First of all, I want to salute the major. Congratulate him on his, uh... Service. Yeah. Congratulate him on his service. Congratulations, you're serving. Congratulations. For something. Yeah, he's wearing a Napoleon-esque blue short jacket that has epaulettes on it. Uh-huh, you must like my deed. French. No? Okay. Okay.

He's already up the stairs at this point. Well, I put a quick hand on him and I say, listen, I know that your fiancé is missing and I myself have a missing wife and it's not a good look. You know, you're going to get a lot of people thinking you murdered her, but I believe you didn't and I know I didn't murder my wife, Carol. This can't bite you in the butt at all. This can't. He chimes and says, actually, not, you know, it's... Your accent seems... You may or may not know this. LAUGHTER

But we were recently married, eh? We eloped. Oh, eh? I feel like when there is a missing persons case, it's often the person closest to them. Mamma mia! Oh, no. Your mom?

Oh, God. Well, hopefully the till death do us part part doesn't come into play here, but... Oh, no. Oh, no, yeah. We're going to try to find her. Don't you worry, Major. Okay, I think it's going to be offensive if I keep doing that. I've got to dial it back a little.

I met a bunch of Canadians. They're all fine with it. Right, Barbara? You're good. He's being Italian. I know, but I'm saying we can do accents. It's fun. Go ahead, guys. The Canadian said it's okay. The Canadian said it's okay to do an Italian accent. I got friends that are Canadian. There's two right there. We're good. So I'm sorry, but it's Canadian Italians. Did you say you were going up the east?

I didn't have the new stairs. Does everyone else follow? Elga follows. Elga follows. Barney, are you doing your four directions for party members idea? I'll go. Yes. I'll go. I'll follow. Okay. I'll follow along as well. You climb. Except Barney gets in a little chair that goes up the stairs. Me. Me.

Okay, yeah, you climb up a very short set of... If I pause, it's because I'm trying to tab between my 11 different windows. It's because you're bad at DMing. I'm bad at DMing. Normally all that gets edited out from the final episode. Thank you, Michael. You walk up a small set of stairs, and you come up upon a marble hall that leads to a row of private boxes on this balcony. Each of them has a number on the door.

Wait, what? Private? Like private seating. Oh, oh, oh, seating boxes. Like for an opera where there's like boxes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, box seats. Careful, everyone. Honest Abe met his untimely end in one of these boxes. Classic D&D character. If I could have put money on you making an Abe Lincoln joke, I would have put all my money on it. It was a tragedy. Gone too soon. How many of the boxes were there? There's six. They're numbered one through six. Numbered one through six.

I go up to just number one. It's the one closest to you. Thank you. And I check the door, like do a little bit of listening. Birds have great ears. Okay. Make a perception check. Yeah, why not? That's a beefy five. No, you don't hear anything. Okay. I try now. Hello. Is anyone in there? Do you have any cardboard boxes?

Four score and seven. It's a box seat. No. You get no reply, Elga. No reply? No reply. Do you listen in? Oh, yeah. Make a perception check. Nat 20, 23. Nat 20. Nat 20.

We should have made a rule. Anytime we get a nat 20, everybody in the audience has to do a backflip. Oh, no. Our insurance can't handle that. We've been one really cool try. No, you don't hear anything from the other side of the door. Okay. Are they open? When Matee goes to push the door open. Yeah, it opens up. No problem.

I was just trying to investigate before we went into a closed room. Could Elga run down the hall and just push on each of the doors just to see if all of them are open? Yeah, sure. Why not? Elga disappears from sight as she runs down the hallway. Get back here. Opening all of the doors. No, they are all unlocked. Okay. Okay.

So the way it's positioned, just to give you a little bit of clarity, it's the first five are kind of at a diagonal like this, and then there's like a slight turn in the hallway, and the number six is at the end. Just because of the shape of the room. The theater. Okay. So you're number one? We were at number one. Yeah, I...

I want to, uh... Okay, the door's open. I'm looking into it. Yeah, it's like a red velvet lined box. It's about eight feet tall on the inside and it has a very good view overlooking the stage. You presume someone well-to-do probably occupies this box, typically. No one's in it? No, there is nobody inside of it. I cautiously take one step forward.

I love how scared you are. Yep. Okay. Yeah. It's a theater. They're spooky. Okay. You step in carefully. Nothing seems to happen. Okay. How many seats are in there? There are four seats.

Do any of these boxes, like box seat rooms, look different than the others? Oh, yeah, because you ran through them all. The one at the very end looks a little different. It's kind of like around the corner. Roll me a perception check, Elga. Smart question. 20. Good roll. Not Nat, but 20. I am so...

perceptive I see everything don't ask me to investigate though another situation you do notice that number six is different like I said it is around the corner so it's a little bit bigger and it you also notice that by the door going into it in ornate script is the name Major Arschloch can I go into number six well she's the one who found it so you don't even know yet oh okay

Just letting the person who investigated take their take. Mateed is halfway into box one, and Elga noticed that over on box six.

Did you want to do something about that? Yeah, I'll come out and tell everybody. Guys, I think we should go to number six. Major, I believe it is your box seat, is it not? Major says, oh, yes, indeed. I've watched many wonderful performances from there. That's actually an Italian accent, just the hands. It's a regional dialect. When did your wife, you said?

Yes. When did she go missing? Was it during an opera performance where you may be occupying the box seats when it happened? No, it was shortly after we eloped. We were not at the theater at that time, though. Do you like going to the theater? Does she like going to the theater? Or is it both of you? Oh, we're both patrons of the art. Oh, my God.

Matide enters the sixth box. Okay. And sits in a chair. So you're following. Matide said they were going in first. So I will say, you do notice, Matide, that when you walk into box six, the air feels a little chilly. Even though they're a ghost? I feel things. Don't be mean. Wow. I thought you make air chilly. Yeah, yeah. I can still feel it.

Yeah, I sit in the seat. You go to sit in the seat, and as you're about to sit down, you notice that there is a body occupying the seat. Oh! Oh! We found her! It's the decaying body of a male squid wharf. Oh. I jump in and I say, Aha, it is I, John Wilkes Booth, bang bang! Are there other bodies? No, just this one. Just the one in there. Okay. I'll check the pulse.

You check the pulse? Okay, Barney goes in to make a... What is it? Show me where Barney checks the pulse. We'll see what the roll is. Yeah, okay. Chris, I'm the body. Show us how Barney touches the body. It's a weird court case. He goes...

-15. -15? He's a terrible cleric. Barney goes up to check the pulse of the decaying male squid wharf, and its eyes suddenly open. -Oh, no! -It locks eyes with you, Barney, and shouts, "Do you hear the music?" Make a grapple check as it tries to grapple you. -Oh, no! -I said a crackle check. -Athletics? -Bird. Athletics or strength?

Is this like a humanoid type creature? This is a squid, squidwarp. Half squid, half dwarf. Half squid, okay. By any chance, when they do it, is a chandelier lower from the ceiling? You hear organ music. No. Dang it. 15. 20.

the squid wharf firmly grasps you, once again screams, do you hear the music? And then explodes into dust. Oh! He's all gonna be okay. Never mind. Hey, you, listener. Did you know the best way to support Tales from the Stinky Dragon is to support us through a first membership

You can directly support us. And on top of that, you get something. You get ad-free episodes. Yeah, it's only $5.99 a month and you get access to all the Stinky Dragons stuff, including Second Win, our bonus show where we go deep dives into like the week's episode. You get like behind the DM information. You get insider knowledge from Micah, the world builder. It's great. If you want to find out more information, head over to stinkydragonpod.com slash first. Get more information and hey, sign up today. Do it.

Want to get your hands on some Stinky Dragon merch? Head over to store.roosterteeth.com. Check out Tales from the Stinky Dragon merch, like our grotesque player character apparel, blurble gerbil mugs, and shirts, and much more. Again, store.roosterteeth.com. Hey, you stinkies, you can't get enough of that stinky soundtrack? Well, head on over to Spotify or wherever you stream your music, where you can find all the music written and composed and performed by my brother, Micah.

Several of the albums include epic encounter music to use in your own D&D campaigns, or you can make your daily commute or chores that much better or that much more tense. Roll a D20 for traffic. Go listen to the music right now wherever you stream music from. Well, hey there, Chip Haney here. Salutations, my stinky supporters. Are you selling a little?

or a lot, Shopify helps you do your thing however you cha-ching. In case you don't already know, the Shopify is the global commerce platform that helps you sell at every stage of your business. From the launch of your online shop stage to the first real life store stage, all the way to did we just hit a million dollar stage?

Shopify is there to help you grow. And no matter where you're selling, Shopify has you covered from their all-in-one e-commerce platform to their in-person POS system. They also help you turn your browsers into buyers with the internet's best converting checkout. 36% better on average compared to other leading commerce platforms.

It's great for any business. It's easy to use. Are you selling magical or non-magical weapons? Doesn't matter. It's perfect for you. Plus, Shopify powers 10% of all e-commerce in the US, as well as millions of other entrepreneurs of

It doesn't feel very good, Mr. Stark.

Do not breathe in, bunny. When he exploded, did any blood happen to him? Ew, that's like dead blood. No, it was very decayed and turned into dust. Can I bring the major in? I'm going to have him under my arm and say, Hey there, Major. Dead guy here in your booth. My word. What's up with that?

I don't know. I don't know who this man was. I don't know who this person was. Do you recognize this dust? Can I see if he's lying? Make an insight check. Oh.

Oh, that's not good. That is a four. You could always use audience inspiration if you want. Oh, yeah. Audience inspiration. What do I do? How do we do this? I think Ben is on it. Yeah. Do you want a dice? I got some dice for him here. I'll throw dice at Ben. I have to roll for athletics running through the crowd. All right. Yeah, Ben said he's going to roll for athletics as he runs through the crowd. Oh, thank you.

They told me my back chair leg is broken and they don't want me to fall backwards. Oh, no. It'd be funny, though. Make a constant security check. All right, Ben is finding someone to roll that audience-piration. Oh, no, he's getting a mic. What's your modifier? For inside? What was it? Inside. It's like a minus one. Minus one. Minus one modifier. Are we got someone ready? They're wearing a smart shirt, so let's make this good. Smart shirt's king. 11. So 10. 10. Thank you. It's better than a four. Yeah.

You do not think that the major is trying to mislead you about this. Okay, this man did not kill his wife. No way. I mean, that was not his wife, I think. I'm just saying, he's a straight shooter. Not a murderer. I leave in check five. All right, you walk out, and as...

Chip and the Major are having a conversation, telling old war stories. You leave Box 6 and walk over to Box 5, which is, you know, pretty close, right around the corner. Make a... Actually, you walk in, and this one is a little smaller than Box 6 was, but it's still very nicely decorated overall. And you walk in, and you look, and there's a... You see on one of the seats a playbill. Oh, okay.

What's on the playbill? Cats. The worst play. It's a playbill for a... It outlines the three acts of a play called Triangulo Amoroso. What's the three... What are the three acts? They just act one, act two, act three, or they have names? Canzone, Copione, and Spada. I'm hungry for Italian food. Canzone... What? Copione. Copione...

and Spada Calzone Spada? Yeah Spada Could I listen for music? And I'll pull up my new ear horn Wait, I don't have that yet Y'all don't know about that That's not canon Erase that from your memories You all What? I don't know what you're talking about So you just want to try to listen for music? Yeah Yeah Make a Make a Perception check

By the way, do any of you speak Dwarvish? I do. I thought you were asking the audience. And that's a 14. Anybody out there? I think I do. Yiddish? Nope. Looking for Dwarvish. Dwarvish. Oh, is it? So, no, you don't hear any music. I'm going to finish seeing if anyone else. I do not. I'm going to guess no. Is that a no for you too, Blaine? No. No.

I don't know why I'm looking. I really don't think that Elga speaks Dwarvish. You never know. You might have just randomly tapped it. It's under your features and traits. Right up here. Elvish Goblin Common. Nope. Yeah. Okay. You don't speak it, but you notice that the playbill also has some Dwarvish script on it as well. Mr. Major. Nope.

Si? What do they say? Yes? Si? Could you come here for a second? Oui. Si. Oh, you are bilingual. So interesting. By any chance, could you read this playbill? It's back to us. Then what's the dwarver's part?

Oh, I don't read Dwarvish. Oh, I thought he... What kind of creature is he? He's a... Squidward. He can read Dwarvish. You can read Dwarvish? Yeah. Ask Barney what it says. I... What? I've...

What does it say, Barney? Okay, I'll read it. What does it say? I didn't hear that Barney said... In Dwarvish, it translates to love triangle. One is song, two is script, three is sword. Song. Sword. Script. Script. And then sword.

Okay. Mr. Major, did your new wife have another lover that you know about at any point? Oh, how dare you? Oh, did you?

How dare you? Hey! I checked for insight on that one. Yeah. Make an insight check. I just want to say how dare you is not yes or no. By the way, Barney, you start sneezing a little bit. You let out a sneeze. Gross. 16. Gross old man sneeze. You feel like he may have been evading the question a little bit. Yeah, he was. How dare you? Yeah.

He wasn't just indignant. Let's go to four. Can I ask a major question? Yeah. Are you familiar with the play that is on this playbill? You frequent the theater. Oh, Triangulo Amoroso. Love Triangle.

Right, that's not an answer to the question I just asked. Yes, see. You seem to be evading all the questions that we are giving you. Yes, see, he knew the name. What do you want? I asked, are you familiar with it? Is there something that we should know about this play? What's the story about? Give us the spark notes. Okay, don't look too much into this.

All right. Aren't we investigating your wife's missing person? Also, did you... My wife wrote this play. Oh. You're going to think it means a lot, but she's a very accomplished local playwright. Okay. Are you telling us metagaming not to look too much into this detail, or are you major to tell us not to look? No, I mean, it's like you're going to blow it up, like it's something when it's not. Someone said they were going to check the next one. Yeah, I go to fourth. Yeah. Yeah.

So... All right, you go over to four. So on. Barney starts sneezing again. I'm sure. It is... Can I check to see what he... What's making him sneeze? What's making him sneeze? Probably all that dead dust. Is that what... Okay. I just didn't know if it was... You know, sometimes you write in things that are like, you know, it's like, oh, there's a clue. Yeah. He's sneezing because there's a virus in the building. It was after he read...

The translation of the Dwarvish that he starts. Yeah. Yeah, but I think it's because he inhaled dust. Metagaming, I forgot about it. Okay. That's Gus's way of saying, like, move on. Don't worry. You don't need to focus on that. All right, four. Yes. You walk into four. Make a... Let's call it a investigation check. Okay. You get an investigating? Apparently. That's not bad. Thirteen.

A bloody top hat. Ooh. I'll stop with the Abe Lincoln jokes. That's three. You find, uh... In this booth, we find Steven Spielberg. Ah! There's something hidden in the corner. A potion. Oh. Well, I take it and down it in one go. Ah, what the heck? I'll drink it. I'm parched. We've been going all around this theater, singing, investigating, thinking about my missing wife.

Making faces at statues? Making silly faces at statues? I'll drink it. Did anyone else go in with you to that box, or was it just you by yourself? I think he's the only one who said he went in there. Just me. But I did proclaim, for... Oh, that's true. You drink it and nothing seems to happen. Maybe it was just water. Maybe it was stale. Could we get some Foley on that? Well, yeah. What does him drinking sound like? He's got a good drinking sound. I want to hear it.

Just like everybody's just doing now. How about that? On three, do your best drinking sound. One, two, three. That was a terrible sound. It was a mixture between people going glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, and other people going... It sounded like a bunch of snakes getting drowned. I feel like a toilet line or something is going to break. Yeah, no, you really don't feel like anything happened. Must have been nothing. Could Elga come into the same room and look at Chip? Yeah, you walk into the same box. Chip's gone.

But wait. Okay. You don't know where he went. Elga! Elga! His voice is coming from right in front of you. Oh. Elga starts smashing. Oh, slap fight. Okay, here we go. I walk into four and see what's happening. Elga slap fighting something that's not there. It's Chip, I swear. He's right here. Are you okay? It appears that Chip has turned invisible.

Do I know this? What's your intelligence? In real life? It is 12. Yeah, you're pretty sure you know. Okay. Well, gang, I got thirsty and I found a potion, didn't read what it was, took a chance, and I'm invisible. Could Elga take her cape off and put it on Chip so she knows where he is at all times? Yeah, make a... Call it a perception check to try to guess where he is. Okay. Okay.

She just throws her robe over the balcony and just goes out into the theater. 14. 14. I don't resist. Yeah, you're able to get it pretty precisely onto him. And then I go, oh, look at me. I'm Mateed. Ah, wee, wee, ha, ha, ha. I go grab Barney and point him at Mateed. I'm going to miss the show. Point him at Mateed? Yeah, and at Chip. Oh, okay. Okay.

And try to shake him to make him sneeze. I go, look, he's cosplaying as Doctor Strange's cape. Thank you. Yeah, Barney sneezes again. No dust is coming out. You may have caught some old man cold. I don't know. We'll find out in two to three days. Great. Fun. Thanks.

I want to do something a little different. Okay. Across, we're on one side of the theater. What do we see on the other side? On the other side, you see almost like a mirror image of boxes, of box seats on the other side. Okay, so six box seats. Over on the other side is a Mateed, an Elga, and there's a whole chip. That'd be freaky. Is there, down in the theater, is there anything from this higher vantage point that we can see? Like anything in the seats or... Corpses, you know. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, you know, you see those rows of seats. Well, I guess only Chip saw this earlier, but, you know, you can get a better vantage point on those rows of upholstered seats facing the stage. The curtain's lowered. There are two massive chandeliers hanging beside the stage from the 40-foot high ceilings, and they seem to be illuminating four spots, four different seats in the, what do you call it, in the seating? In the auditorium. There you go.

Could I... Orchestra seating would be what it is. Could I do a quick little fly around those four seats? Kind of speed this up a little bit. Ah. Ooh. The bird in the theater. Oh. Someone let it out. It's sad when you see that. Yeah, you hop out and do a little aerial reconnaissance, and you see that the four seats that are being illuminated are occupied by four lifeless bodies. Uh-oh. Oh.

I've got a problem here in this theater. This must have been a really boring show. Yeah. Good. Do I, are they all squid dwarfs? Squid dwarfs. Squid dwarfs. What dwarfs is this? Warbs, dwarfs, squid dwarfs.

Yeah, um, yes, they are. They all appear to be for Squidward. Okay, and then while I'm doing a little circle, can I also do just a pass of the other six box seats that are on the other side and just see what I can just kind of quickly... They look very much like a mirror image of the ones you're in, where five are on one side and then the six that kind of hang hooks around off to the side. Any bodies? No, you don't see any bodies. You... Sorry, one second, loading. Um...

Yeah, there are no bodies on that side. And then I can I just, I'm finishing up, I'm sorry, I'm just commentating this entire thing. I'm just gonna come back around paths by one through three and check those as well as I land in four. You take a quick peek into one through three and nothing out of the ordinary, there's no bodies or if that's what you're looking for. Nothing exceptional catches your eye actually. Okay, sure. Any other delicious potions?

delicious potions that you'll drink without questioning anything. No, Mati does not spy any of that. Okay. How long do, I assume, invisibility potions last? Make an arcana check. Forever. Thirteen. You think in your knowledge of them, they typically last about an hour. Okay. Oh.

You have a plus one on Arcana. Negative one. Oh, you have a negative one? I thought I saw a plus. Sorry. Oh, let's go see the play. Yeah. Yes, there seems to be bodies down there as well as illuminated by the sand. Hey, Matin, can you give me a ride down to one of the bodies? I kick him off. Just a cave flying down. You see a cape, a sentient cape.

It's an opportunity for you to do some really cool athletics. Yeah. I unarm strike him. And then I try to guide down like one of those bats. Or like a sugar glider. Yeah. You're going face first. Yeah. If he becomes a bat before I do, I'm going to have words. Make a dexterity saving throw. All right. That's a 10.

No audio inspiration left for you, huh? That's not allowed? You did it once already. You only had one. You do your best attempt at flying like a sugar glider or a flying squirrel, but you land face first into a row of chairs. Oh, the play's starting. Down below, and you take six points of damage. Oh, God. Okay. I come back up with a missing tooth and be like, dang it. This happened at hockey practice. Shoot.

Make an investigation check. Yeah, you're down there now. Okay. I'm invisible. That's a 20. Not Nat. 17 plus three. Okay. Maybe it's because you came down face first into the chairs. But you see...

You discover a small fingernail covered in blood and signs of a struggle. Hey gang, I found a fingernail covered in blood and I have a concussion. Did you say blood? Elga jumps down. Elga does flying squirrel down. Save some for me. Do you want me to attempt to catch you? Sure. All right, I try to catch Elga. Aim for the thing you can't see. The robe. Make a...

You make a strength check chip. Elga, you make a dexterity check. All right. Okay. That's 16. Coming in. I think I tripped on the rails. Oh, that's not a good one. It's a four. Four. Do you want to use your audience-piration? Sure.

Ben, can we get an audience inspiration? Can you save Elga? Make me jump. If you don't, it's your fault. Oh, we got Andrew here. Hey, Andrew. This is the guy that makes your thumbnails. Oh, nice. He, like, designed our characters. Yeah. Yeah, so, yeah, all of our... A lot of the art is all done by Andrew. Oh, 20? There you go. Did you not have a dice with you? It's a... Don't mess it up. What?

18. 18! Plus. Thank you, sir. What's your strength? It's a plus one. 19. Elga, you trip a little bit. All right, now, Barbara, jump off the stage. You trip a little bit, but you recover with your bat-like reflexes and manage to right yourself, and Chip catches you very gracefully. And I had the time of my life. And then...

I'll give it up to you. That's so cute. Now give me the fingernail. Okay, there you go. And then I put it up to her. There's the fingernail. Investigate. Just start sucking on it like a sunflower seed. I would, except I think we need it probably. You're like dibs afterwards. Yeah. I float down as well. Okay. I'll... Break a hip? I'll walk around. I'll walk with the major and be like...

So your wife wrote this play? Did you know any of the actors or actresses? Well, it's a standard stage company. They're always here. Yes, so yes. Oh, were you friends with any of them? Friends? No, no. Oh, more than friends? No, no, no, no, not at all. Okay.

So while we wait for an hour for Barney to get down... Can I also just mention first, I don't know if it was mentioned when you introduced us, Elga's a vampire. I just want to say that in case people here don't know that and why I'm obsessed with blood. Elga's a vampire, two humans, one ghost. Teethling. Sorry, humanoids. How dare you? Don't you see the horns? Yeah. Yeah.

So there's a, you know, this fingernail was covered in blood and like I said, there's signs of a struggle. It's like tentacle marks on the ground leading up to the stage and seemingly leading backstage. Oh. Squid dwarfs have arms on top and then squid. Bottom squids. Correct. Okay. So then they would have fingernails. Correct. And when they walk, they would leave tentacle marks. Oh. Is, is,

Is there one of the illuminated bodies close to us? Yes. They're all spread out throughout this room, but yeah, there's one fairly close. Okay, I will go and check on one. What do you mean, check on one? What does that mean? I don't know, go look at it. Yeah, it's a dead...

Squidwarf just laying, sitting there in the chair, and the air feels cold around it. I stand as far back as you can and just, like, touch it with a feather to see what happens. Its eyes open, and it runs at you, screaming, Do you hear the music? I dropkick it. Make an arm... Oh, yeah, make your attack roll. I was ready for that. That's a 23. Come at me, dead man. Woo-hoo!

Yeah, you hit it, and it explodes into a cloud of dust. That looks so cool, like a Mortal Kombat fatality. Finish him! The air fills with dust. Make a constitution saving throw. Remember, I step back, and I kick that guy. Yeah, but it charged at you. Yeah, but my legs are long. How long? What am I doing? Constitution saving throw. And it keeps saying, do you hear the music? Yes. Constitution saving throw. Just say nothing. It thinks you're doing it.

about it it's gone yeah it's dust now oh that's only a nine yeah uh you get dust all in your nose and you begin sneezing too you and barney are sneeze brothers can we try something out they keep chasing you when you wake him up chased him first chased him chased you they can see you all right

I'm invisible. Oh. Let's wake one up, you guys go away, and then I'll see what it does. Maybe it, you know, goes to its day job. Maybe, give me back my cloak. Oh, yeah, yeah, here's your cloak. Perhaps you could go and investigate one of the other ones over there. Yeah. And I do that. Okay, so you all, like, go back and let Chip do his magic. How are you going to disturb this body? May I? Oh, go ahead.

A little slap on the face. Bless you, Chris. He didn't know what he was agreeing to. He didn't know what he was agreeing to. Did you see the look of surprise on his face? Yeah, you give it a little slap on the face, and its eyes shoot open. And once again, it exclaims, Do you hear the music? And then looks around wildly.

I hold still. And then explodes into a cloud of dust. Make a constitution saving throw. Okay. That's a nat 20. Oh, okay. Okay. I wish we always had people cheering for a nat 20. Yeah, it feels good. Have we made it down? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Can I ask about the fingernail? Oh, yes. Let me take a look. Oh, so you were sucking on it? What would that sound like?

Of what? Sucking on a fingernail? All these wet noises. One, two, three. Sucking on chili dogs outside the taste freeze. What was that? Does this look like your wife's fingernail? Yes, and there's blood on it, see? Well, she had blood.

Oh, but did she have her nails painted or anything? In blood. Yeah, were they painted? I don't know if this is her nail or not. I don't know how I would tell. I don't know. Nail polish, perhaps? No. You never went on a spa day with your wife? Did she have long fingernails? No. Okay. I remember Carol's fingernails.

Making love at night. Mateen. Mateen immediately starts heading. Okay, all right. Starts heading along those tracks towards the stage. Okay, yeah, they, um...

They wind down past the orchestra pit up onto stage and then lead behind the curtain backstage. Like I said, the curtain was down. Okay. While this is happening, Elga runs up to the front of the stage in one of the seats and sits in it, pretends to pass out, and goes, Now wake me up. Who's going to do it? I'll do it. I'll do it. You wake her up? Do you hear the people sing?

I didn't know where you were going with that. I hop up on the stage. Okay. Do you just stay here in front of the curtain or do you peek behind it? I do a quick little soft shuffle. You hear a lone clap from the audience. Yay! I'm your biggest fan. A bow. Encore, encore.

Is it... Were the tracks leading to, like, a side of the stage or in through the center, like, through curtains that would split in the middle? Through the center. Okay. Perhaps Zapati would like to join me on the stage and we could investigate what is going on up here. I'll join him. Okay. Me too. Okay. Yeah. I dramatically...

throw the curtains open? You open up the curtains dramatically. Arrows fly at us. And, you know, backstage, you know, it's a very short little platform that then has stairs that go down to the side, on both sides of the backstage. Okay. Anything on stage?

No. Anything backstage where you look around? Sets? Yeah, costumes, people? After the, no people, but as the stairs go down to the left and to the right, you see that there are doors on either side. There's like a little complex. Does it seem to go to the same back? They kind of wrap around. Before we go, did we want to wake up the other dead guys or do we kind of know? Does that mean after you?

I'll quickly run around and high-five the last dead guys. The remaining two? Yeah. Similar things happen. Make me two more constitution saving throws. That's... Six.

Sorry, the math is hard. In 12. Six and 12? Yeah. Yeah, you're also a sneezy boy. Okay. Elga, you're the only one not afflicted with this sneezing fit. It's because I'm so young and so spry. So healthy. It's your daily regimen of eating bloody fingernails. Let's go. If they go inside, we'll circle them around. Yeah. Which direction would you like to go? Yeah, do you go west or east? East. Okay. While we're heading east, I want to look up.

Okay, yeah. Make a perception check. I would love to. That is a 17. You see up in the rafters hanging high in them, there are like cloth sacks hanging from the rafters. Sandbags. Sandbags.

These don't look like sandbags. They're like counterweights? They don't like sandbags. No, they're weirdly shaped. I fly up and investigate. You fly up and take a look, and you see that there's an entire orchestra's worth of musical instruments wrapped up in cloths hanging precariously from the rafters above. Like in just multiple bags? Yeah. Oh, that's where the music is heard. Heard? Played. Or played. Maybe we should play some music. Oh.

Oh, yeah. I say, heads up, and I slash all the things. You barely have to touch them. They're very precariously hanging. And all of the orchestral instruments that are dangling above fall to the ground below. Luckily, Matide warned you. Otherwise, you all would be taking a lot of damage right now. I want to grab a tuber. Wait, which an entire orchestra... Like a potato? No, a tuber. Big old tuber. A potato. Yeah, yeah. I was going to say an entire orchestra of instruments falling to the ground would sound like...

I want to say probably. That's pretty good. That was good. I don't know if throwing the water bottle down on purpose was intentional, but it worked. That was good. Can I get one lone trumpet? That's great. Okay. All the musical instruments are down on the backstage. I'll take a tuber. A potato? A tuber, a big old potato. A skeleton. A skeleton.

What other instruments are there? There's violins, a harp, some drums. Drums? You call them. You got them. Clarinets. I heard that the Squidwars enjoy clarinets. No, they're really big into oboes. Piccolo. All right, so y'all were going east? Is that what we're doing? Well, they were going to grab instruments. Are you going to grab one? I'll grab one. Okay. Are you going to play something, all of you? A harp.

Yeah, a harp, a tuba, and a drum. That's all you need for a band. Classic. Oh. Yeah. You know harps are big and heavy, right? Yeah. Okay. Can we try playing them?

Yeah, make a performance check. Everybody? I don't like how you keep looking over at Micah. Oh, no, no, I'm looking at you, Barbara. Micah just happens to be, like, in that eyesight. I usually can't see him because you're blocking him. You said performance? You guys roll performance? Oh, sure. You're playing. A one and a two and a one. What'd you roll? Three. Six. You wish it sounded like that. It's just...

Seven. We are terrible. Look, here are the muses. Look over and Barney's just chewing on the strings of the harp. Is this how you do it? He's flossing. Yeah. Is this what the kids are talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does that do anything? No, nothing happens. Okay. We head east.

I land and walk with Barney. You all head to the east, and as you know, there's a couple of doors. There's one to your left and one to your right. So you exit the stage to the east, and then you have to turn to your left, and there's like a small hallway. There's a door to your left, a door to your right, and it seems like the hallway curves further up ahead around to the left. Oh, okay.

And so that would... So kind of like leading into the back of the backseat. Correct. Okay. Check out these here doors. Let's check the doors. Open the one to the left. Okay, there you go. Thank you. I will simultaneously open the one on the right. Okay. You open the one. I'll do him real fast, then I'll come to you. You open the door to your left, and it appears to be a dressing room of some kind. There's hanging costumes, mirrors, and a row of vanities. What's... There's one large mirror in this dressing room that's covered in a web of cracks. Okay. Oh. Uh...

Well, I'm invisible, but can I see myself? Uh, yeah. You look into the mirror, and even though you're invisible, you see your own face, your own reflection. But it's like a horror-- an even more horrifying, distorted version of yourself. I was just rude. You hear-- You hear a scream come from nowhere. It seems like it's disembodied, and the mirror shatters. I'm not that ugly, you know?

I was up for prom king back in high school. I didn't win it, but I'm not that ugly, you know? Make a dexterity saving throw. Oh, okay. Chip would be somebody who peaked in high school. You shush. Uh, that is a 14. Okay. Uh, we're gonna pause you and we're gonna go over here. Okay. To the other room.

You know, while Chip is opening up that other door, at the same time, you open up this door that's to the right. And this seems to be some kind of prop closet. You find furniture, some painted scenery and construction material. And there's a clipboard hanging by the door. I checked the clipboard. There is a sign-out sheet for props. Any names I recognize? Make an investigation check.

If the murderer signed out the murder weapon, this guy deserves to get caught. Giant machete. 16. Yeah, the last item signed out was a ring of petrification, but the name next to it's hard to read. It's a really awful handwriting. It's something like Madame Aardvark. As you're looking at the clipboard, you hear a scream come from the room that Chip was just in. Oh, okay.

I grabbed the clipboard and turned to see what's going on in the dressing room. Barney and Elga, where are you two? What are you all doing at this point? I'm just outside the doors. When I hear the scream, I think I'd go with... Would you head over there too? I'll stay out here for protection.

Yours. No, yours. The two of you who head over to the dressing room that Chip was in, you see Chip is gone. And there is a... The wood flooring appears to have given away. And now there's a pit seems to go into a space, an area below. So I fell down once the glass shattered? Yes. We're going to hold the details on that until everyone gets caught up. Elgo comes in and starts slopping. Windmilling.

And so the vanities are both, or there's two vanities that are broken now? There was just one large mirror that was covered in cracks, which is, you wouldn't know that actually, but it's broken. You see where a large mirror was and it's broken now. Does, look down into the hole. Yeah, you see Chip down there. He's a...

Oh, no, you don't see. You don't see anything down in the hole. I'm sorry. Dang it. You see a perfect dust silhouette of a man. It's just... Call for him or something. Uh, Chippa, you down there. Ow! How far did he fall? Probably about 20 feet. Okay. Oh, and he takes. Oh, sorry. Teacher, you forgot the homework. Six points of damage. Jeez, you have taken some damage. Yaw.

Elga comes in the room and goes, What do you see down there, Chip? My pride. No, that's up here. Oh. Along with your dignity. I look around. I have dark vision. Okay. The musty smell of damp earth fills the air. You look around and see cavern walls lined with skulls and bones. You feel the tingling of goosebumps tickle your spines. To the north past some dilapidated columns, you notice...

- Yeah, that's what you see for now. I'll keep reading the rest if more people come down. So you're in a cavern with walls that are lined with skulls and bones. - Okay. Lots and lots of skellingtons, bones, skulls, hip bones, jaw bones, finger bones, kneecaps. - Pokey pokey. - Femurs. - I dropped down directly where the sound is coming from. - Toxics.

Okay, so Matide is down there as well? Yeah. What other types of bones do you see? Oh my god. Funny bone. Okay. Hot ribs. Hot baby back. Uh-huh. Do you see any stinky dragon dice? Unfortunately, they're sold out at RTX, but they're going to be at store.roosterchief.com on August 3rd. Ayo! Shameless plugs. Love those. Elga jumps down. Barney?

Is there any other way? 20 foot drop. The major says, I can lower some rope for you. Okay, you are 100% trustworthy. Yes, I hired you.

The Major, you know, pulls out some rope and ties it around a support column. - Here we go. - Yeah, all right. You begin the way down and he starts following you down the rope as well. - All right, we're all in there. - All right. You all come down and you see the same thing Chip described, the damp earth smell filling the air. You see the cavern walls lined with skulls and bones.

However, to the north, now that you're all here, you notice a cloaked figure kneeling atop a dais near a stone statue. Spooky. Oh, hello there. The effigy appears out of a squid wharf with an eternal expression of shock and horror. The cloaked figure rises, and beneath their mantle, you see the glint of armor and a steely blade. Who dares approach the apparition of the Aria? Whoa!

Oh, it's Barney Barney and I'm here for the Army of Investigation. Barney, you have a beautiful voice. Can you sing "Oh"?

Here's my friend. It's a little girl. That song. That song. I'm gonna leave now.

Did that song do anything to the guy? He's gone. He's just looking at you with a perplexed look. He's covering his ears. He says, I see. I am Broderick Wagle, brody to my companions, a gifted and accomplished opera performer for the Aria Theater. And then down. Oh, my God.

Many moons ago, I fell in love.

with a local playwright by the name of Casey Dulse, and the feeling was mutual. Oh, no. But Casey's family had arranged for them to be married to a local militiaman and forbade me from seeing them. Can Major hear any of this? Make a perception check. Oh, he's supposed to have come down with us. That's a 14 plus minus one. 13. He's not here. Oh, no. Where's your best friend? Who's innocent? Uh...

So he lowered you down and then that was the last one. He came down. He started. Oh, he started. That was your phrase. I made sure Barney went down first. Okay, so he might be after the Phantom of the Aria. I look back to see. Phantom of the what? Higher! And then down. Good. Good. Now what we should do is go high, middle,

I was trying to do a different... That's good. Little harmonies. Good. Singing? I'm trying... I don't have anything to say. Oh, you were saying... Are you dead? Are you asking him or me? You looked right at me when you did it. I'm just realizing it's the first time that Mattia... I was asking the... You have to sing it. Are you dead? Um...

I have a lot of details to get through. I'm trying to figure out how to... He's just trying to think of what he wants to sing. No, I don't have to sing it. 30 seconds. Over time, my mortal flesh diminished, but the song of my soul remained stalwart, and I shall never depart from my Casey side until her petrification is lifted and our love reunited in harmony. Was Casey by any chance the wife of Major Arshlar? She was. Casey Dulcey.

Indeed. Our star-crossed love could not be kept apart. We met under the shroud of night at the Aria Theater. Why is it in the middle of the line? Where we spent many hours conversing, making sweet music.

and watching the rising of sublime sunrises. Uh, can... Where is your, uh, your... Casey? She's a statue! Oh! One of the statues! Oh! The one right here. Oh. She's right here. There's a statue in here? Yeah. Okay, there you go. After weeks of euphoric affection, Casey and I decided to flee this town. That's a long time. And start our own traveling theater troupe. As always, we plan to meet here at the Aria Theater...

But Casey never showed up. I searched and searched for my lover until I found her body here, petrified in the catacombs. Oh. Does Elga, could Elga see if the statue of Casey looks like the statues that were outside the theater? Uh, make a... Squidward. They could have all been petrified people. Yeah. Yeah, make a, let's call it a wisdom check. Well, Elga's doing that. I'd like to look at the statue's hands.

Is there something specifically you're looking for? A ring. Or a fingernail. The statue is wearing a ring. Seven. Seven. I mean, I guess. The squid wars, they all, I don't know, they're kind of weird. Elka's not one for the arts. I, could I, is the ring in a position that I can take it off?

Maybe. It's kind of an awkward position because you're still kind of far, Brody's, between you and the statue. Where's the statue in the room? It's kind of behind Brody. Oh, that's horrible.

As your chip says while invisible. As you're looking at this and thinking about it and looking at the statues, there's a loud crash. Oh no. As a trio of decaying squidwars fall through the ceiling overhead and land surrounding you. As the dust clears, you spot Major Arshlock land near the base of the dais, and he draws his sword. Aha! You have been caught at the scene of the crime, you foul phantom!

Fret not, sweet KC, I shall avenge you. Come now, my friends, let us send this evil apparition back to the ether where they belong. - They remembered. ♪ Everyone roll initiative ♪ - Oh. - While Thriller starts playing. - That's a 18 plus two, 20. - I have a 15. - 11. - 18. - Okay, now I'm gonna roll for the Major and for Brody.

Your two good friends. How are we supposed to know which of these lovers killed the woman? What we could do is we could kill both of them. Stakes are low, you know, it's a one-off. Barney, what's your dexterity? My dexterity? Let's see. Okay. All right, so Chip, you're up first, followed by Barney. Okay. I'm invisible, so therefore I have...

I guess advantage, I have the assassinate thing, which is the advantage on attack rolls against any creature that hasn't taken a turn in combat yet, so that would be Major. And any hit you score against a creature that is surprised is a critical hit. So I think I'm going to move to Major and shank him with my arm blade. Oh, I see. You've taken your side. Yeah, no, I like this Phantom of the...

that we're in. Phantom of the Song? That's the one. And, uh... What's the name of the theater? Say it! Phantom of the Aria! Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba!

I'm also, I have sneak attack, which is once per turn you can deal an extra 2d6 damage to one creature you hit with an attack with a finesse or ranged weapon. If you have advantage on the attack roll. Yeah, so I'm just going to use my iron blade.

So you wanna roll that? Yeah, go for it. Okay, here we go. And we're attacking Brody, right? He is. No, he's attacking Major. That was a seven. But I have advantage, correct? Because I'm invisible? Correct. Please give me something. That's a nat 20. Ooh! Ooh!

So I got a 1d4. That's a 2. Then we're going to add a 4 to that because it's your max added. So that'll be 2 plus 2 plus 4. So that's 8. And then I have sneak attack, which is extra 2d6 damage. Yeah, I'm just messing this fool up. 3, 6. That's 9 additional. 17 total. Yeah. That's a good hit.

Is it my... Am I done? Yeah. You're not Kyber. You don't get to go, like, five times. I played him yesterday, and I was like, okay, my boy. All right, so 17? Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool. And then also, I want to use my movement to stay put. Never mind.

Maybe go up behind the Major. - You're gonna jog in place. - Okay. Yeah, keep my heart rate up there. - All right, yeah, you unleash a flurry of attacks, really doing a lot of damage to the Major. He screams in pain, "Mamma mia!" - Oh, you can do better than that. - "Mamma mia!" Is that better? - It's meant pain. - Oh! - Barney, I'm sorry, was that it for you, Chip?

I have another one. Yeah, let's call it for now. I don't want to hog the limelight here. Are you being real? I'm being real. I'm sorry. All right, Barney, you're up, followed by Brody, then Elga. So...

Oh, hide. I'm gonna, I'm just cutting action. Hide. Hide. You're already invisible, but okay, got it. So what's the layout of everyone around? He turns around. Um, you all, you know, are still kind of where you landed for the most part. And then a little to the north of you is that statue and Brody and the Major. The Major's north of us too? Yeah, he kind of landed and just engaged. And his little buddies that landed with him? They're splattered, or they're kind of between, you know, roughly between you and, um...

The north. Okay. And the buddies, what's their deal? They're just like those dead squidworts. They're dead? Like you saw up above. But they're moving. Yeah. Up above. Okay. And how close are they to me? I'd say probably within 10, 15 feet. I...

Okay, Barney just fell. Barney's dead. Ooh. His ankle again. As an action, you present your holy symbol and speak a prayer. Each undead that can see or hear you within 30 feet must make a wisdom saving throw. If the creature fails its saving throw, it is turned for one minute or until it takes any damage. The turned creature must spend its turn trying to move as far away from you as it can, and it can't willingly move to space within 30 feet of you. It also can't take reactions. First action, it can only use...

The dash actually to try to escape from an effect that they're removing. Okay, so they have to make a DC 14 wisdom saving throw, it looks like. What is Barney's holy symbol? It's his little clock. Oh, that's right. It's the monster logo. Oh. For energy drinks. Not sponsored. All right, 15, 15, 15. They all make it. Mateet, what's your saving throw? Dang it. DC 14 wisdom.

Now Barney didn't know you were undead. Neither did Chris. Son of a... I want audience. I rolled a 10. Audience-spiration. Can I get an audience? Just grab anybody. On hands. It's plus three. Eight. Plus three.

You did not help. Way to go, Andrew. Get another one. Get a different audience-piration. Oh, I got double inspiration. That would have been nice for me. Someone roll? A 20. Oh! Come up here, Mr. 20. Come over here. Oh, nice! For rolling a 20, I'm going to give you our final stinky dragon die that we have. Thank you.

Fun fact about those dice, Gus licked every single one of them. That's right. They were lovingly warmed in my crotch for the last hour I sat here.

Not even a joke. They've just been sitting out there. Can you smell the warmth? Are you trying to hatch them like eggs? All right, so Matit makes their saving throw. What does saving do for me? You're just unaffected by it. Unaffected by it. I give a sharp look at that old man. What? I glare at him. It didn't work. The squidwars were unaffected as well.

- Okay. - They all rolled 15s. - Also made-- - All three of them. - I made an observation that the three plays, the act, it was song, script, and sword. That's who the characters are. It was--the Phantom was the song, and then she was the scriptwriter, and then he's the sword. - Oh. - Oh. - You just made Micah so happy. - Yeah. - One of us got that. - And now I'm going back into-- - Micah's got his hands up.

I'd say on average 85% of his references that we just don't even know this whatsoever. Way too smart for us. Yeah. We're idiots. What else do you want to do, Barney? Well, that went so well. You want to mess me up some more? Come at me, old man. I'll drop you.

I want you guys to fight in real life. You can do it. For my bonus action... If he sets the saddest fight ever, me and Chris. I want to use my bonus action to cast Spiritual Weapon. Would I create a floating spectral weapon? Which is? The monster logo. Uh...

It's gonna be an angry old man fist. Okay, a wrinkly fist appears. And who do you channel it at? At the mage. Okay. And make a melee attack against a creature within five feet of the weapon. Takes force damage equal to 1d8 plus my spellcasting ability. Make your attack first. Let's see how that goes. Was the Turning the Undead like a bonus action? The spiritual weapon's a bonus action. Oh, okay. That's 18. Oh, that hits.

- Ooh. - Ooh. Eight plus four, 12. - Very good. - Yeah, your old man, spectral old man fist appears. - Just get off my lawn! - And smashes the major, doing 12 points of damage. - That's a pretty good amount. - That's a good amount. He's staggering a little bit. Is that it for you, Barney? - And that's it. - All right, it's Brody's turn. - Oh, Brody. - Very much so. - Only to his friends.

Brody unsheathes a long sword and takes a couple of swipes at the Major. Oh, right, they're fighting each other. Yeah. You were, like, preparing. Yeah. And does he hit, or do they hit? A two and a six, those are both misses. Okay. Oh.

Stick to singing, phantom. Make a-- that's a really good point. Make a perception check. Okay. That's a 15 minus 14. Do you have any positive modifiers? I am very charismatic. Okay. You think that Brody's fighting with a prop sword. That's embarrassing. What a theater kid move. Elga, you're up, then Mateed. All right, well, I'm gonna rage.

How's that look like? So angry! What does Elga think about to get angry? I think about... Nones! Onion rings! Onion rings! Wait, garlic? Garlic? Onion rings! I think about... So gross! Okay. So gross! Onion rings! Sorry, I thought garlic. I'm sorry.

- But Barbara just went with it. Barbara didn't check it at all. - You know rings at the restaurant, they sometimes too much batter to onion, not enough onion to batter ratio. - Although I like the idea of the lore of our vampires, onions, not garlic. - Okay, yeah, so your age? - And then I want to try to do my bite of sucking on... - Let's all be adults here. - On a major. - Okay.

Do you have to... What's your roll for that? Actually, let me actually use my greataxe on him instead. Okay. That's an upgrade? Yeah. I want to do my greataxe. I'll take your attack roll. Plus six. Yeah. Okay. Can we fly? Did you say, can we fly? I just looked at me. Barney, you have flying speed? What's your flying speed? 60. You have the carpet. Does that come out yet? Oh, no, you...

You don't, you don't. Okay. Don't tell anyone. It was a nat 20 for 26. Nice. Do a back flip. Doing... Oh my gosh. Hold on. We are do... Okay. 18 points of damage. Whoa. See, it already added your 12 in there. Whoa. Yep. I guess do I add also because I'm raging? Like a two?

Sorry, I'm used to-- plus two melee damage. So 20. 20. 20 points of damage. Is this dude alive still? The Major is severely staggering on his feet, barely staying upright. But he's like still trying to fight. He's still got his dukes up. Finish it. And they go, "You were going to tell us the truth, Major." Now she's just making fun of this man. Mamma mia!

That's all you can do, right, Elgin? Okay. Mateed, it's your turn. Then it's the Major. Could I get to the statue? Yeah, sure. Why not? I go to the statue, and I try to yank the ring off. You said that it was in a position I could pull it off, right? Yeah, you think you could. Okay, I go and do that. There. There.

What happens? I'm trying to think what kind of check you get. Make a... Let's call it like a dexterity check, just because you have to kind of be dexterous to try to get it off. Lovely. That's 12. It's like a little stuck. Like the stone isn't as pliable as flesh. So it seems like it's not... You don't know how it got on there because you can't quite get it over the knuckle. Oh, okay. Okay. Would that count as like my action? We'll call that a bonus. Call that a bonus? Okay.

Then could I actually-- Then can I try again? If that's my bonus, can I take an action and try to remove it again? Sure, why not? Okay, I'd like to do that. I'm stuck on this. No, it's stuck on her. Correct. 14? Did that do anything for you? So close. I have an actual inspiration. Can I use it? Yes. Okay, I'm gonna use my actual inspiration. Oh, wait. Audience? No, I already used audience. I got it twice because I'm the good kid. Uh...

- What does that make me? - God, I am just, I can't do this. 11. So a total of... Okay, so all you guys see is Misty fly over there and just messing with a ring. Yeah.

Awkward. It's like, have you ever seen like when like birds are like holding onto something and flapping as they're like trying to do it? You hear a lot of that. Like you can't get it. Yeah, yeah. Just like holding on. What does a bird flapping sound like? Oh yeah, big flaps. One, two, three. But with the squawking. Oh yeah. One, two, three. Sounds like the tiki room. Anything else, Mateed? Um...

- I know, that's action, that's, um, no, I'm good. - Okay. - That's my turn, I'm fine with that. - It's the Major's turn. - Uh-oh. - He says, "Oh, I no feel so good. I think I'm a going to die." - I really hope you are dead.

This is sad. This is very sad. I found my missing wife. Let the records show Mateed has not attacked this man. Then Major Arschloch falls to the ground and appears to pass away from his wounds. Brody cries out in sadness.

Wait, what? My wife is gone and I'm alone. Brody's the guy with the sword who's the singer. It's your wife. Not my wife, sorry. My beloved is gone and now I'm alone. They weren't going in love goals. Oh, it's the boys.

Wait a second here. He explained all this earlier. I think it was what they call a couple. But he wanted to attack him, though. He drew the sword at... He's upset that Casey is petrified. Oh, no.

- Oh, oh, oh. - Yeah, sorry, I see there was a mistake. - Okay. - Yeah, okay. - My beloved is-- - I thought we hate crime, Tim. - I thought we hate crime, you know? - Yeah. - And now I'm alone. - I thought they were all in-- - Sorry. - Yeah, yeah. - My apologies. - 'Cause you had said her name, and now I was like, wait, did we get that whole thing wrong? - No, no, no, that's me. - While he's still singing, I just kind of close his eyes. Oh, rest in peace, oh, shoot. - So he's sad that she's still petrified. - Right. - Can I-- - There's no way to bring her back. - Can I run to the major?

Who's dead? Yeah, well, is he dead? Because I can do an aid. Wait, hearing? I think we are trying to un-petrify.

He's going to the Major, though. Major, I cast Aid, which brings, regains five hit points to... Gotta wrap it up in your tool. Maybe we should get that ring off the statue like Mateed was trying. With all of our powers combined, let's pull off... With Aid, I cast Aid to pull this ring off. Yeah. We all go and pull the ring. Yeah. Yeah, you're able to pull it off, and you notice that it's a ring of petrification, which could be used to lift Casey's petrified state.

Okay. Wait, that, I have to use the ring to lift it? Yeah. Okay, I put it on, and I un-Medusa this chick. Uh, Casey regains her flesh form, and you reunite Brody and Casey together. Um, and it's, uh, the two embrace happily being reunited. Hey, we killed your husband. Sorry, I'm invisible. You can't see me, but I'm here.

Oh, um, we were never married. He kidnapped me. Oh. You're looking in the wrong direction. I'm the other way around. Oh, there you are. Yeah. Uh, thank you. Our families and the town will learn from archaic ways. We'll abolish these, uh, these, uh, forced marriages and dismantle this unnecessary militia, and we will welcome people from all walks of life. Can I go to one of the, uh, the undead guys and be like, I'm, I'm fine.

I would, but we're out of time. Uh, Casey is so inspired that I will write an opera in honor of your heroism called The Apparition of the Aria. I... You got any more of those bloody figures? I have a surprise. Oh, you do? Is that the end of the story? Yeah, it's the end of the story. Okay. You guys want to sneak peek at something? They haven't even seen these yet. Yeah, I have no idea. What? Okay. You guys want to see the next puppets? Oh! What?!

- I had no idea this was here. - Yeah. - I just saw my mom last weekend and she handed them to me. - Oh, wow. - So I figured you guys would like this. Okay, so first we have... - You wanna dab? - No.

It opens? Be careful. You're gonna want to open it right now. Look at this little stinker. Open that up. What's it got? Open it up. You're gonna want to see what's in there. Those thighs. Is that a thing for-- Beautiful. She might have sealed it, 'cause there he goes. What's in there? A zipper? Toilet paper. No, unfurl it. Okay. A note? Oh, wow.

What's it say? To Chip from Carol, with much love in every stitch, I made this for you, etc. We've all heard the podcast. She transcribed the entire thing. Your poor mother. It looks like she was writing on a piece of rice. Little Elga. With her battle axe. She's so cute. With her hair up.

Look at her eyes, there she is. Look at her. Aww, look at the little tooths. It's so cute. Very cute. And then Barney. Whoa. Look at him. Look at him. Oh my god. Oh wait, I forgot. He also comes with an optional hat. There you go. His little helmet. He's good. Okay. And then last but surely not least is Matide.

This is Matide. Beautiful. And Matide comes with a little basket full of baguettes and pretzels and pan and pies. Is there one additional character in there? There's actually one more additional character. There's two versions of this character. There is a Jacques. Oh. And there is a Jacques. Oh. Okay. And those are all made by our mother. Thank you. Ours, me and my daddy. Not theirs. Thank you.

And they're flashing, please wrap up at us. Yep, we're good. We gotta go. Thank you everyone for coming out. Thank you for all your support for Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Thank you guys. Well, hey there. Chip Haney here. Salutations, my stinky supporters. Did you know that you can directly support the show and interact with us by subscribing at stinkydragonpod.com slash first. Cool, talented, amazing first stinkers like HoldDoll85,

Vash the Stamp, MagicSW5, Ethel Lube, or Casbriels. They're all directly supporting the show and they get access to more great content like Second Wind. They interact with us on our subscriber-only Discord channels and more. Again, that's StinkyDragonPod.com slash first. What?

This episode of Tales from the Sneaky Dragon was produced by Ben Ernst, written, edited, and composed by Micah Reisinger with additional editing work by David Saunier. Here's a quick shout out to folks that interact with us on social media recently. Here are some NPCs named after them in this episode. Broderick Brody Wagle, the apparition of the Aria, was named after Broadway Ghoul on Instagram.

Casey Dulce, the playwright, was named after sugar syringes on Twitter. Major Arschloch was named after Major Arschloch on Twitter. Hey, you should go follow us on Sneaky Dragon Pod. We're on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, and YouTube.

Interact with the community over on our subreddit, r slash StinkyDragonPodcast, or on the Rooster Teeth Discord. For access to the Discord, go to StinkyDragon.com, and on the left side there of the page, click on Community, then Discord, right underneath it. See you there! Oh, don't forget to tune in next time for another thrilling episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Has anybody seen my wife, Carol?