C02 - Ep. 20 - Gems of Glrrb - Blrrble Grrble Glrrb
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Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.

This is a Rooster Teeth production.

Good evening to all you auto-melodrin. Fall into the stinky drag and throw back our latest thirst quencher, Harvested Interest. It's a mixture of chaff and chaff, freshly brewed expressions of goodwill, honeycomb cocoa, revivified vanilla topped with chocolate bark shavings. One gulp of this guzzler you'll feel finer than fae stepping into foliage.

Previously our adventurers were expelled to the plain of Pyroa without a plan. After meeting Mags, they perambulated through the plains of Ignis and encountered an imprisoned Ifriti named Daffy. They freed the Ifriti from a fiery fate and were plain shifted back to the Pyramid of Antique. Nab some nectar, nestle in for our noxious narrative. Friti, didi, friti, friti, friti, didi, friti, didi, didi, didi, didi, didi. I mean, blah,

After that tongue twister, can anyone tell me the name of the Afridi?

Didi. Didi. I just said it. Didi. Didi. Am I close? He's going to keep going. Something along the Freedy Didi Didi. Dafi. I was there. And we said that somewhere in there. No, you did it. Hello, everyone. I'm Gustavo Sorolla, the dungeon master of our putrid party. I'm going to hit our four players with an arrow. No! This week's role-playing warm-up question is,

Your character's home is on fire. They can only save three things. What would they be? One of them's a rabbit, right? Stop. Nice reference. Nice callback. Thank you. Thank you. That's campaign one. I'll start. Well, hello. I'm Barbara Zonkelman and I am playing the character of Elga Von Brath, the female half-elf, vampire, barbarian, level five as well.

As John closes Blaine's laptop. I want to see if Blaine can introduce himself today. Because you did the thing where you looked at your thing. And I was like, can Blaine do it without looking at his thing? Yeah, yeah. Just looks right at it. Sorry, Barbara. No, thanks.

And I think if Elga needs to save three things, obviously, number one would be her teddy bear. Oh, Elga has a teddy bear? It's not like a different stuffed animal? No, it's an actual teddy bear. Oh, okay. Yeah, a classic teddy bear that she was given when she was a child many hundreds of years ago. Oh, this must be a little raggedy. A little raggedy, indeed. Like, it's just the paw. The eye is hanging out. Yeah.

And then I think she'd also save the photo of her and her sister that she has on her night table. Her and her twin sister. And then last but certainly not least, she'd take her axe. I'm like, really? You have a twin sister? Yes, she does. I think she's mentioned that a long time ago. My Elgalore dropped previously. On previous Elgalore. I like reminders. I like reminders. Does your teddy bear have a name? I hate to put you on the spot. Oh, gosh. His name is...

What? Boris. Boris. I like it. That's a good name. Boris the teddy bear. Boris the bear. Now I have to write that down. See, there was some lore that just dropped. Yeah. Yeah, lore and bore is. That's funny. Who's next? I'll go. I'm Chris Damaris and I play the human priest Barney Farney. Priest? Cleric. Yeah.

I would pay money to have a video of Chris's face right there. Barbara just broke his brain. It was the best. I was like, did something change when he leveled up last night? Hey, inspiration dice to Barbara for catching that, right? The three things. One, sing them for us, Barney.

Barney Monsaint. My pocket watch. And then all my cleric supplies. Which are? Your sin box? And then, you know, the stuff for fighting undead and, you know, all the cleric stuff. Clearly you're an expert on that. And then, of course, my dentures. Wait, Barney O's dentures?

Those aren't your real teeth? Well, they're my real teeth now. No, he actually has real teeth and puts a pair of dentures on top of that. Okay, he looks like a Bee Gees band member. Of course those are dentures. He's very teethy. They are very straight and white and have no spaces in between them. It's just a solid tooth on the top and a solid tooth on the bottom.

Matty, why don't you go ahead? I'll take mine last. Okay. I'm John Reisner. I play Matty Confucius, who's the era-cochran ghost monk. If the house was on fire, I'm not very attached to earthly things, which is part of having passed. But I do have my favorite spatula, as any chef should have, as any baker. Is it the good luck spatula? Yes. What is your spatula's name? Oh!

It cannot be Boris. That name's taken. Cloris. Dratula? Dratula? I would take, obviously, my recipe books that I have gathered for many, many years. They're just full of many secret recipes that I adore and love.

And then I would, the house is on fire, so I would have to grab Jacques. Jacques is a necessity at this point. I've grown very much attached to this cat. Interesting. Something that's come along so lately is now like in your top three most important. Yeah, yeah. Like I said, I'm not very attached to earthly things, but this cat rocks. Earthly things? I love the idea of Matisse saying this cat rocks because it's so not in their like vocabulary, it seems.

Gus, briefly reset the question up again one more time. Your character's home is on fire. They can only say three things. What would they be? Okay. This year's situation, it's a bunch of Garbo. All right. This wouldn't happen to Chip Haney. All right. He is a volunteer firefighter. So he's got all of the up-to-date smoke-detecting magic equipment in every 10-foot area of his home. It would never catch on fire. And if it did... Lightning strike.

What? Oh, no, the house is on fire. Who could have seen that? Well, of course, I'd protect, not to objectify my wife, but I would protect and take Carol if she was in the home, which she is not. Oh, you have a wife? Because she's missing. I had no idea. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Chip Lord. I would take Skipper, obviously. He's a...

What kind of bird? Cockatoo. Cockatoo. Cockatoo. Did you say cop to two? Yeah. He's got a little mustache. And then lastly, bird would have a mustache. I wear my fanny pack at all times. So I don't know if that counts.

Maybe just a fire extinguisher. You would save a fire extinguisher from your house that's on fire? Because I don't want the fire to spread to my neighbor's house. Can you imagine if I lit Bill's house on fire? Oh, goodness. Here's what Chip should actually do. Yeah? Is that you brought up your escape route for saving everything. What?

Your fanny pack. It's infinite holding. It's an infinite bag of holding now. Just start throwing everything into your fanny pack. I thought you were saying jump into the fanny pack and the fanny pack won't catch on fire. No, you're just like literally putting your arm on your bookshelf and just pouring everything in. I guess in that case, the question would be what would the first three things you throw in be just to make sure you get them. Honey, get the silverware. Hurry. Jump.

into the bag holding it. Get in the bag. Woman, get in there. I love you so much. Sorry to call you a woman. I like how before the podcast we'd like adjust levels to make sure that we're going to be good and then you guys are immediately like I blow right through. Also, I am Chipainy. I am a tiefling rogue. He looked at it. He was staring straight at it. Well, look what happens when you don't. I am a priest. And I'm Rabbi Barbara. Mazel tov. Thank you.

The sprinkling of sparks melts into thin air and you find yourselves back at the top of the pyramid of Antique. But the entire throne room is empty and silent save for the whistling of wind. You look up and feel the warmth of the dawning sun pouring down through the glass ceiling now shattered into jagged fragments. To the north you find a stairway that leads up to the roof and you see a lifeless hand stretched out at the top of the stairs. You quickly climb the stairs and find the mummy lying on the rooftop with one hand pointing to the southwest. Before you look you can already smell it.

It's an odor you smelled the entire time you were in Piroa. Fire. You turn your gaze to the southwest and a mountainous column of black smoke fills the sky. I thought I told it. That's what the smell was. Yes, fire indeed. Your farts smell like fire? I am a tiefling. Tiefling farts, yeah. Is that true? Are you messing with me?

That's a new chip lore. Do you need me to light a candle for you? I'm in. I'm like one of them there Charmanders that the kids are always talking about. It's a D&D creature. So there's no one else here but the lifeless body of the mummy? Appears to be. Mateed Charmander.

What do you check on a mummy for life? Just make an investigation check and we'll figure it out. Okay. Wait a second. While you do that, I thought that these mummies came back to life because I killed a bunch because it was guaranteed that they'd come back to life. Unless some sort of real bad magic hitter. I rolled a two. Oh. Yeah, you think that's the mummy. You're not entirely sure. Mummy, let me check on you.

Elga leans down to check on the mummy. Yeah, you can make an investigation check as well if you want. And is this with advantage since she's up close? Oh, yeah. Yeah, this would be. May I also? Yeah, if you want. Well, good thing I have advantage. You rolled a one. I rolled a one firstly, and then for my second roll, an 18. Oh, so 19 for Chip and an 18 for Elga. Yes.

While Mateed is scratching their head, looking at the corpse before you, befuddled. Mateed is doing that thing that birds do when they're just like turning their head. You know? Chip and Elga. Yeah, you do know that this is the mummy and the mummy appears to be dead. Her body burnt to a crisp. Her hands holding her scimitars.

Oh, no. There are paw prints nearby and the ground is just scorched and the paw prints head off towards the southwest. Paw prints? The trail seems to vanish at the edge of the pyramid. Not my friend, the mummy. Oh, no. I'm going to loot her. I... I have mummy issues and I have bigger mummy issues and whoever did this will pay. Hmm.

Mommy and mummy issues. The city seems to be on fire. What do we do about that? I will run into the depths of the fire to avenge my mummy. As you all are investigating the mummy's corpse and trying to figure out what to do. And looting her. Ethereal sands rise from the charred corpse and swirl into a spectral figure resembling Ryder Rajad.

I'm sorry, my friends. I fought with Pharaoh Hadi and was nearly able to strike down the heathen with my blades. But this phoenix came to his aid and it cost me my life.

The reward I promised you is downstairs behind where the throne once stood. Now I go to be with my ancestors, the Antique. The spectral sands swirl once again, soar with the wind westward, away from the rising sun vanishing from sight. It's the circle of life! Well, Fuzz,

So she said the reward for us is downstairs. Where the throne once stood. I have a question. Yeah. You were describing a general like setting of what we're looking out to, which is the city on fire. Is there by any chance there is like a clear plan

path of the fire. So you see, you're asking if there's like a clear view of the fire? Yeah, if it's clearly like this phoenix was, is the source of this, is there, that seems to be like that's the problem to solve is this phoenix. Is there a path that we can see like this phoenix is going or is it just rampant mayhem? Oh, like they like went down and scorched a lane on their journey away. Sure, but there were paw prints. That's what led me to believe like into the city. Okay.

Let me clarify. It's not Carcasuc itself that's on fire. It seems like it's something else, but it is in the direction that the paw prints are heading off of the pyramid. Okay. So there's a direction we could go. Southwest. How big are these paw prints?

Big. So there's a Phoenix Pop Prince. Probably. Okay. Mateed heads down to the throne. Belga follows. Barney will follow. Chip looks in the dust to see if there's any weapons because I'm not too happy about my Kopesh from the Desert Tripest. Why aren't you happy with that Kopesh? It's just, you know, I feel like I could do something better, you know?

In my days in Dagger, I had some pretty powerful and cool weapons. Where'd they go? Yeah, why don't you have them anymore? I put them away in a chest and buried them under cement in the basement of my house. With your gold coins and... Yes, to never come back to that life again, now that I had my wife, Carol. The entire corpse and everything it was holding all transformed into sand. Okay. Okay.

Pocket sand. You can take some mummy pocket sand if you want. I'm going to take some pocket sand. Okay. I'm going to put it in my fading bag. So I know Elga said she was heading downstairs. Mateed, did you say you were also following? Mateed went first. Oh, Mateed went first. Oh, okay. And Barney came. I guess she's planning to say it.

I'm done making sandcastles with the corpse. I'm going to come with you. Yeah, you head downstairs to the throne room. And I guess I don't want to make any presumptions. You're going to check where the mummy said. Yes.

Behind where the golden throne once stood is indeed, like the mummy said, there is a mountain of treasure there. Quite a bit of coin. 700 copper pieces, 600 silver pieces, 900 gold pieces, and 100 platinum pieces. Oh my goodness. All right. So 25 platinum each, eh? Yep. Okay. That's easy. Well, are you with us too, Chip? Oh,

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Tell us the mind's eye. What would happen if I wasn't? Oh, you know, I was thinking we would just put it in our pockets to bring up to you at some point, you know, if it's fair and square. Oh, yeah? Better split three ways than four. 175 copper, 150 silver, 225 gold, 25 platinum. And 25 pee-pees? Yep. Is that what it is? 25 platinum, yeah. Pee-pee. One more time, what was that gold? Gold was 225 each. 225 each. That's a good amount. D&D Beyond, they're pee-pees.

They are. That's what the acronym is. They are. He's correct. But why is that the only one you say? Why don't you say GP or SP? Well, because I knew what gold pieces were. I didn't know what, I had never heard of PP's before. So what is, what, what do those, what does those stand for? Well, gold piece and. No, no, no. The ones you keep saying. PP. Yeah. What is that? Platinum piece. There you go. Yeah. He just looked it up. Besides all of the coin, there are also a couple of gems. There's two black pearls.

And 16 bloodstones. This is a payday, guys. I'm not the person to be doing this, but I constantly do investigations. Can I look to see if...

There's anything special about these stones? Those are very, like, unique descriptions of, like, weird gems, like black pearls and bloodstones. Yeah. You don't have, like, a jeweler's loop or anything, right? Just, like, a casual with your naked bird eyes looking at it? Birds like shiny things. They use it. They gather them all for their nests. So I just have a really big interest in these things. And people they like. Wink. You go and make an investigation check, Mateed.

Okay. I say I shouldn't do investigation checks, but I'm the one who constantly says it because I'm plus zero on investigation. But I don't know if any of us are super... Well, y'all are a brainy party. 18! Yay! Don't need no modifiers! They just seem to be particularly well cut, particularly well developed.

pearls and stones. And you would estimate each of the black pearls is worth about 500 gold each. And there's two of them. Golly! And there's 16 bloodstones, which are worth about 50 gold pieces each. I'd say four bloodstones for each. Well, what's the math? We have to split these up by stones, not by gold, I assume. Sure. You can also pay each other gold if you want to, like,

Even it out. I'll hold on to one of the dark stones. Black pearls? Black pearls or bloodstones. Maybe we do a championship bracket. It's you two are going to rock, paper, scissors, and me and Barney rock, paper, scissors, and the winner of each gets double our stone. How about we have an arm wrestle competition?

Oh, yeah? Yeah. Oh, yeah? Not in real life here in the podcast room, but in the game. I like that that was in Elka's voice. Elka said not here in the podcast room. No, not here in the podcast room. Elka just broke the fourth wall. Let's do it. Oh, my God. Elka's in the room. Is she in the room with you now? Is the Elka in the room?

So who do you want to arm wrestle? I want one of the black stones. I do as well. Do you want to arm wrestle for it? Black pearl. We could do a roll off. The one that was 500 gold? Yeah. Mati just fine not taking the black pearls. I would take one, but if you really want it, you can have it.

Barney? How about this? How about this? I just take all of them. It seems that the tiefling and the not vampire, they want the black pearls. Barney, you seem to be a bit complacent about it, so why don't I give my share of the black pearl to Elga, and Barney, you give your share of the black pearl to Chip. If you need a loan down the road, 250 gold pieces on the house. Uh,

I am nervous that this could be the curse of the black pearl. You can take this black pearl. Okay. Was that just inventory black pearl? Yeah. It's worth 500 gold pieces. And there's also 16 bloodstones that are worth about 50 gold pieces each. So four of those to each of us. Four each. Wow. Wait, should we not divide a few more bloodstones to those without black pearls? They're 50 each. There's 16. 16. You guys need to take eight. 800.

You know what? Like I said, Mati does not really care that much about, again, earthly things. Irbani, you can have my bloodstones. So you get eight bloodstones. Oh, my goodness. Hey, don't blow those all in one place. Who gets the other eight?

Then it's four and four between Chip and Elga. Four bloodstones. Thank you so much. Your bardy seems super grateful. Bardy, you can add those bloodstones to your kidney stones, which are their own kind of bloodstone. In addition, there are also two spell scrolls and three potions. Goodness gracious. Could Mati tell us what they are? What?

With my 18 investigation check. Since they are the one looking. I'll just give it to you since you rolled well, Mateed. The two spell scrolls, one is of guidance and the other one is alarm. I don't know what alarm is. What does alarm do? It's what you would expect. You set an alarm against unwanted intrusion like...

a door, a window, an area. Oh, I do know that. Yeah. And as long as the spell's active, whenever a creature touches or enters the area, it sets off the alarm. Yeah. Oh, that's a good distraction. It's something like you set and then go away, and if something, like, procs it, you will be notified. Yeah. That's cool.

I only have interest in a potion. If I could just have a potion, that's all I want. What are the potions? Potions are healing. There's three of them. Oh, nice. I think you three should take it. Elgar has probably the highest HP out of all of us. Sure, that sounds fine. Humble brag. Real talk, Mateed is very squishy. Yeah, no, Mateed should take some then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mateed, since you're, you know, kind of, you investigated these things well, why don't you make me a perception check as well? I would gladly do that. You say the spell scrolls? The spell scrolls.

The spell scrolls? Yeah, who do we rely on to use those? Probably Barney for... I have zero intelligence. If it's intelligence, if it's wisdom, I have five. Do we know what the spell scrolls? What was the scroll check? It was like a D4. So we kind of homebrewed some rules as far as using scrolls.

just so that it would be easier and more accessible. It's basically, you're going to roll a check. It's like a DC 10 plus spell level and you get a modifier based on it. You should absolutely take this one. Yeah, my spell level is pretty high. I think Barney should take them. No offense, you all are a party of dum-dums. I think you'll all have more or less the same chance of making these checks. No, that's season one. Gum-gum, you're confusing us.

I rolled a 10 of perception. You hear what you think might be like mumbling or a shuffling noise coming from beyond the mound of treasure, like somewhere along the back wall. Is it like shrouded in like darkness or something? Or is it coming from behind something? You don't see the source of it. It's just you can hear some kind of noise coming from back there. Matide meanders that direction. Someone's doing the Cupid shuffle and they don't know the words. The what? I don't know what the Cupid shuffle is. I don't know what the Cupid shuffle is either.

How do you guys not know what the Cupid Shuffle is? It's played five times at every wedding in the last 12, 15 years. How does it go? Is that the one that was... Take it back now, y'all. I'm also being sarcastic. I have no idea what the Cupid Shuffle is. Are you talking about the Casper Slide? Wait, is that the... Hold on.

cupid shuffle is a song by cupid from his 2007. i think you're thinking of the casper slide the one that's does anybody in the room know what a cupid shuffle is like we're being made to feel like we're dumb for not knowing this i don't think there's any such thing as a cupid are you talking about the chicken dance oh oh to the left to the left yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but that's a different song than the one you were saying okay they don't know that i don't know the lyrics i am also mumbling and maybe you're maybe it's chip who knows how much coffee have you had today blaine

I'm not talking about it. I gotta poop real bad. Mateed meanders that direction and says nothing. Says to the right, to the right. Oh my God. Yeah, make me an investigation. Check, Mateed. 17. It sounds like whatever the noise is is coming from the wall itself. And as you're investigating it, you find what appears to be a latch that kind of embedded in the wall. Oh, it's wall friend.

There wasn't a latch when it was wall friend. Yeah, but maybe this is their exit. We weren't supposed to learn this. If you listen to our bonus show, Second Wind... How do you listen to that? You listen to that by joining us as a first member, which is our patronage model for this show. Where? Roosterteeth.com. You can go there and become a first member, and you can have access to our bonus show where we talk about the show, and we talk about answering questions, and we go over things like that. It's really fun. And in one of the episodes...

Gus, it was in that episode, right? Where Gus was like, honestly, the wall was nothing. The wall that talked, like he didn't even really talk. It just kind of mumbled. Yeah, and it was just like you read the description from Micah's module and it was just one of those things where it's like, I think Micah writes in things just to bait us sometimes. And guess what? It worked. I don't believe you. Do you want to roll a check on that? That wall was something.

Also want to point out that Second Wind is a video show. Oh, yeah, video. If you want to be able to see our beautiful, lovely faces after we've just recorded D&D for two hours, you get to see it there. I find it weird that people might not know what we look like from Richie's content because they found us through Sneaky Dragon. So that would be like a face reveal, and they're like, that's what Barney sounds like. Is that why you have a mustache today?

What do you mean? He's becoming Chip. I finally grew it back after shaving it off doing drag at RTX. I'm happy it's back. I like your mustache. You're just saying, I don't. I like your mustache. So, there is a latch hidden in the wall. I... Okay, so my investigation check revealed that. Correct. You know what? C'est la vie. I pull the latch. You pull the latch and it clicks and opens a secret door embedded in the wall. We'll find our friend. Whole friend. Okay.

After you, Barney. Okay. You step in, Barney? Yes, I step in. Are you here? What's your constitution? No, no. Good. It's 15. Okay. Not bad. Yeah, you step inside the secret door, and it's a triangular-shaped tomb that smells of saffron, cinnamon, honey, and myrrh.

The center of the room contains three golden sarcophagi. Jesus was here. And at the far end of the room is another door. And the three kings. Can I knock on the sarcophagi? Mr. Guy! No, it's sarcophagi.

The teed is watching as our cleric knocks on the sarcophagi and yelling at the people inside of it. Which one do you want to knock on? There's one in the left, one in the middle, one on the right. I got the middle. It's probably closest. Sure. Give us a taste of what that knock sounds like. You hear a... Do we really? Oh, does he really? Yes. What does Barney do? Oh, I guess we should leave. Do you need help? No.

Is anybody there? That's a yes, let's hope I'm not. Said something about the Cupid shuffle. He's telling you to move the lid of it to the right. To the right. To the right.

Can I look if there's a latch? Yeah, make an investigation check. I also realized in me writing notes from this moment, I have no idea how to spell sarcophagus. S-A-R-C-O-P-H-A-G-U-S. I know how to spell it because of Pokemon. Not even close. Nine. It seems like there is a latch to open it. However, it does not seem to be unlocked. Could I come in to try? Yeah, sure. It seems to be...

Do I have to also roll a constitution? No, no. I was just messing with Barney. You come in and you see Barney trying to open up this middle sarcophagus, but he seems to be struggling with it. Could I try to, like, strength my way through opening it?

Yeah. Can I strength my way? I don't know how to like... Strengthen my way downtown. Walk it to the right. Make an athletics check and see if you can force it open. Okay. That's always smart to force open sarcophagus and not worry about any curses or anything. He did the knock. Yeah, we tried. Yeah. Two somethings in a shave. I rolled a 22.

Okay, yeah. With Barney staring, probably wide-eyed and slack-jawed, Elga just lifts and rips open the sarcophagus. Can we say canonically it was one-handed? Sure, one-handed. With one hand behind her back, Elga opens up the sarcophagus. As she's holding Barney. Yeah, no, like staring at Barney as she did, not even looking at the sarcophagus, just pulling it up. You open it up, and then very quickly, the alchemist shoots up, sitting upright. It's an alchemist!

Oh, thank you. I feared I was going to meet my end in that sarcophagus. How do you spell that?

E-N-D. Quick. Your friends. Are these your friends? Barney points to the other two sarcophaguses. No, I don't believe so. I need to find my family. I think they're nearby. Oh, me too. After the incident on the train, I was taken here as a prisoner by Eddie. He wanted to know everything he could about the other clan leaders of Grotel and about you four. Eddie brought you here? Yes. Yeah, he's the Hadid. Oh, right.

He tortured me for some time, but I gave him nothing. That is, until he brought my family here and threatened their lives as leverage.

And then what'd you give him? Does that include Francesca? Yes. And his son named Henry. Eddie now has my notebook, which carries all of my notes about my clients and, unfortunately, some information about you four. Probably got some pretty embarrassing journal entries in there too, huh? But yes, Francesca and Henry are nearby.

I believe they're hidden in the next room over. What sort of notes were you taking of us? Oh, just observations. Like what? What'd you write about me, Doc? Looking for Carol. True. Stuff to help me remember. Things that are important about you. Is that just a weird practice to do, writing about the people you meet? I have a lot on my mind. I want to make sure I keep everything straight. Dear diary, toom day I met a bird ghost. Very good at baking.

Love the Alkabot. Is that how you write your diaries where you end it with love? It's all about self-love. It's very good. If my journal was here, I could show you. Farnu S. Densha's Elga's teddy bears named Boris. How did you know? I never told this

That's what the questions have been at the beginning of the episode the entire time. Just alchemist information. That's pretty good. Wait, so do we hear anything in these other two Sargophagus guys? Make an investigation check. All right. That's a 13. How do you check? Do you do like a knock or are you just like listening or what's your approach here? Michael, what's it called? The two something haircut barber? Shaving a haircut. Shaving a haircut.

Two bits. And then I wait. On which one do you do that on? One on the left. Okay. You knock on the left one and you do not hear any reply. They're suffocated! I want to open it. You throw open the sarcophagus and inside you see a well-preserved carcassook body dressed in fine linens and its eyes adored with golden coins. Can I put the lid back on?

I'm so sorry to wake you. Go back to bed. Mateed turns and just sees Chip, like, give a little kiss to the mummy and then puts the lid back on. Take it back, y'all.

Barney, you knock on the sarcophagus on the right and you hear no reply. Well, I try and open just in case. Yeah, you throw it open. This one is not locked. It opens very easily. And much like the other one that Chip opened, there is a well-preserved carcass of body. Oh, my goodness. With gold coins on the ice. Bye-bye.

I close it. There was a door at the end of this room? Well, yeah, the alchemist did say that his family might be in the room next door. Correct. And yes, there is a door leading out as well. The other direction from where you all entered. Do you think your family might be in that direction? And Elka points to that door. Most likely, yes. Okay, well, I think we all know what to do. And we all walk the opposite direction of that door. Okay.

Could Elga help the alchemist out of the sarcophagus? Yes, thank you, Elga, for being so nice. You're welcome. That came from a real place from Gus as an old guy who needs help. You're almost as old as me. Is he in rough shape, or is he okay? He looks like he's been worked over a little bit. He did say he was tortured. Elga helps him out. Okay. Thank you, Elga. She lifts him up from under the armpits.

- Up east. - And Mati wanders towards that other door. - Yeah, you walk up to it, it's closed. I presume you try to open it.

Yes. Yeah, you open it and it's unlocked. It opens easily. And beyond the back door is another triangular room mirroring the tomb. But this one contains shelves of organs, embalming fluids, and medical tools. In the back is a chest and another door. And on the floor are two mummified bodies wrapped tightly in linen strips. On the floor? Yes. Oh, no. Oh, no. Can I... I'm going to distract the alchemist while you guys check this box. By doing? I'll go kind of...

Do that dance you know! *laughing* Now kick, now kick, now kick. *laughing* Over here, duck! *laughing* I love Barney yelling "Do that dance you know!" *laughing*

That's actually how Chip puts Barney to bed at night as he does the dance for him. I imagine it's like someone's grandfather's like, oh, now show me that dance, you know. Hello, when you do nothing. You're so talented.

Down, down, do your dance, do your dance. Elga goes over to one of the rapt people. Matide heads to the other one. One of them appears to be a medium-sized humanoid, and the other one's rather small. As you approach them and begin touching them, they begin wriggling. Oh. Is that you, Henry? I don't know if you remember me from the college days.

But I was talking to you through the door just like I am talking to you through your cloth right now. Yes, it's me, Henry. It's just Elga two inches from this rabbit. Wait, wait. Did we ever get confirmation that Henry is in fact a little boy, not a man? He just said it. We should not question whether people are really young when they're small.

I want to do something cool, but I hope it turns out cool and not bad. Mateed is going to attack the linens with their claws. Nice. And do a really cool way of letting them free by getting them out without hurting them. So you're going to like attack...

the linen but not the people in the linen yes make an attack roll oh no if you crit on this then you might kill them before you roll uh who are you trying to do this on francesca i presume because uh belga was talking to henry sure assuming francesca is in the other one 19. you uh very deftly and carefully strike at the linens wrapping up francesca and free her as she uh comes free from the linens she takes a deep breath and looks at you and says where's henry i think

I think he's right over here. Let me take off his ribbons too. I don't know why I said ribbons. And then could Elgo just like unwrap him? Yeah, you unwrap him and you're greeted by Henry, you know, the small boy wearing his usual red bow tie. He does, however, look a little paler than the last time you saw him. It looks like he maybe doesn't feel well. I tell the alchemist, seeing that his family's out, and I say, okay, you can go in there. I'm glad to say you do not have to

Now walk it by yourself. Now walk it by yourself. Were you looking up the lyrics? He's reading his laptop. Your family's alive! Was it the kind of thing where you had him turn his back to the room and you're like dancing in the other direction so he's not looking over there and you can see what's going on? I assumed that they were dead. I assumed the worst, but I'm glad they're not. So go see your family. That's the way to distract somebody from the death of their family. Dancing. Ha ha, look at me! Henry, you do not look so good. Are you okay? Did someone feed you something you didn't like? Oh...

My memory's kind of fuzzy. Make a perception check, Elga. Check his neck for bites. No. 15. As he's talking, you see that he has like an unusual cut across his chest. Oh no. With green veins now sprawling from the wound up his torso and neck. Who did this to you? I don't remember. The last thing I remember is going on a trip in

What kind of laughter? Can you give us a taste of it? Like, what did it sound like? That's not a good laugh.

You know who else used to laugh? Mateus smacks Chip over the head for being rude to this dying child. You know who else used to laugh like that? Eddie. Can I do like a medicine check or something to see if there's anything I can do to help or what organs might be missing? Organs might be, yeah, you can make a medicine check. While you're doing that, the alchemist of course also comes in, you know, having been freed by Chip and

You know, rushes in. He's also investigating Henry as well. I rolled an 11. All his organs seem to be there. You're not missing any organs. That tracks because I think you're just looking on the outside of someone's body to determine what organs they're missing. So he was at a hotel. Yes, at Hotel Fantum. Fantum. In Parish. In Parish. In Parish. He's taking a trip. Yeah. And he heard a laughter and then had the scar all of a sudden. He felt pain in his chest.

I was traveling with Freak from clan to clan to learn the customs of each land in Groteth and pick up on some languages. It was for school, you know.

Educational. Was it on like a magic school bus? And was DeFrizz there? School bus? Never mind, never mind. You said in this room there was also what, a chest in the back and another door? Correct.

Could I walk over and check on the chest? Yeah. I presume that means you open it? I check it for traps. Okay, yeah, make an investigation check. That's a four, my dude. Nope, no traps. Need some help over there, Mateed. I think I have to commit to this because I did the investigation and I didn't find any traps, so I'm going to open the chest. The chest is unlocked and springs open. Info.

Inside, you see what appears to be some school books, a couple of letters, and some alchemical supplies. Is this any of your stuff? I say to the alchemist and the family. Francesca runs over. Yes. She gets the books for Henry, picks up the letters, and then delivers the alchemical supplies to the alchemist. Thank you so much. The alchemist begins preparing a concoction for Henry, mixing together various alchemical ingredients. Is the alchemist's journal in that box? No. I

I think Eddie probably has it, or Huddy has it. Well, all right, let's go. I don't know. We have anything else here? I was trying to give people an opportunity to do something else. I go check the door. Well, I want to walk up on the alchemist talking to his wife and be like, what's this feel like? To be reunited with your wife. How is this going for you guys?

You guys look so lovely together. I'm so sad you got separated. That must have been real tough. Cool alchemist from Francesca. So you walk towards the back door there, Mateed? Yeah, there's another door. The alchemist and his family join you and begin walking towards that door as well. Oh. The alchemist, you know, super thankful. It's so great to be reunited with my family. Good, good. Best feeling in the world, absolutely. Oh, yeah, sure. We need to get Henry back to the lab in Atro City to figure out a cure for his ailment.

I will warn Weezer of Eddie's plans for the clan leaders and help clear your name once and for all. You all need to stay on the trail of Eddie and find out what his endgame is. He seemed particularly interested in Glurb out in the southwest. Francesca takes a piece of parchment and hands it to you, Mateed, I guess since you were walking out first. Here, take this. This magical piece of parchment will help you stay in contact with Robert. What is it? You can write on it and the alchemist will receive it. Oh.

Cool. Is there like a word limit on it? You can write a short letter. It must be 25 words or less. A sending stone. When you're done writing your letter, put it in the envelope here and the message will automatically be sent. Is this a one-time use thing? Is it like once per long rest? The magic needs time to reset once you use it. Metagame, take a short rest. Short rest. Yeah, short or long rest. These phones are getting shorter and shorter, smaller and...

thinner and fit. Let's go. Guys, I think Chip is a he maybe have the same ailment as Henry. Chip, are you okay? Mateed looks for something to put between Chip's teeth because he's clearly half-fit. Can Elga smack him around just a little bit? Elga can do whatever she wants. Elga slaps Chip around a little bit and says,

Okay. The item name for the parchment is Cartas de Haya, a.k.a. Yonder Letters. I could put it in my pack of, like, at the fanny pack if you want. Would you like the Cartas de Haya? I just, you know, I got carrying capacity. What the heck? I want to hear you say the name of the item. Let me type real quick. Paper is heavy. It is. Ah, si, Cartas de Haya. Yeah. Yeah, very good. Oui.

See we. As Francesca is handing that over, I guess to you, Chip, you're the one taking it. Sure. The alchemist says, oh, one final thing. Mm-hmm. You haven't happened to have seen my cane, have you? Well, yes, I have. It's right here. It's quite handy. Can I keep it or borrow it? Can I keep your cane?

Well, I do need it. What, you want my walker instead? Oh, that's a fair trade. That looks pretty good. I thought your walker's your weapon. Your walker's your weapon, isn't it? Barney, why don't you give Elk a missus can? He's been through so much. He was asleep in the sarcophagus for so long and he was probably so lonely and hungry and was thinking about eating and drinking. Yeah, I apologize for being rude. Here's your cane.

So the Estebans head out the back door and I presume, Mati, you said you were also heading towards the back door. So that's what this door is, is it is an exit door? It seems so, yes. Okay. Do you think we should go back upstairs and try to follow where those tracks lead? I think this is the way to get out of the pyramid to follow those tracks. Yeah, the tracks seem to go to the edge of the pyramid and then stop. It goes to the edge and then no more.

Okay. And connecting the dots, this phoenix did have wings. Right. Okay. So it probably flew, landed. Yeah. And that's why I was asking if there's like a path of flame. Gotcha. Because you said things are on fire. So is there like a trajectory? Yeah, you could get there, but it doesn't seem like there are things on fire on the way. It just seems like something in the distance is on fire. Then I think we have a thing to do. We must go find this phoenix. Yes.

Felicitations, my foul-smelling friends. I often get asked, what's the best way to support Tales from the Stinky Dragon? So to help explain, I brought my good friend, John, along to chat with me about it. Yeah, so the best way you can support us is by one, I mean, obviously just being yourself. That's what that would support me is just knowing that you're being your true self. Me too. And knowing that will help us. But beyond that,

It's by becoming a first member on roosterteeth.com, which is essentially our patron model for people who want to support the show in a financial way. And so if you go to roosterteeth.com and become a first member, it's only $5.99 a month. And basically, if you either become a first member or even just watch our content on roosterteeth.com, we get the most

value out of it, which we then can turn the most value possible into even more stinky content. And on top of just supporting us from an altruistic standpoint, you also get stuff out of it too, right? Like you can listen to our episodes ad free, for example. I hate ads. You could take up a hobby with all the time you save not listening to ads.

Maybe you could make your own dice for your own Dungeons and Dragons campaign. Your hobby could be that you join us on our official Discord, which is only for our first members on our Rooster Teeth Discord, where we're posting exclusive content. Today that we're recording this, I posted some behind the scenes photos from our Stinky Dragon Adventures production that just went into production this week. Well,

You know, it's... Man, you set me up for the perfect segue there, John. On top of that bonus stuff, you also get access to Second Wind, which is our bonus show for Tales from the Stinky Dragon. It's pronounced Second Whind. Second Whind. Yep. Where, you know, we do a dive into that week's episode. We talk about things that

what's going on, you know, maybe avenues that were left unexplored, where the party is, what the plans are, what you all messed up. Sometimes either myself or Michael will be there to help give more information. I've never messed up on this show before in my life. Everything has been strategically planned. Sure. We'll find out the rationale behind John when you listen to Second Wind. As a Rooster Teeth First member, again, just $5.99 a month, you get tons of bonus stuff. You get a discount on the Rooster Teeth store, get no ads in Tales from the Stinky Dragon, background play, offline viewing on mobile apps. Check it out.

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I presume everyone else also leaves along with Matee? Uh, yes. Bye-bye. I look back at the elk and it's reuniting with its family and I... I miss my wife, Carol! Alright, so you all pass through the door and descend a stairway that zigs and zags for a while until you start to hear the rushing of water. You reach the bottom of the stairs and you find yourself back outside in the morning sun. You look to your right and spot the Esteban family riding off on camels into a sea of sand. Okay, now I sigh. What?

Now Mateed sighs as well. Before you is the Kaharian Canal, which seems to snake off to the southwest into a larger river. Docked in the river is a small steamboat with the name SS Better Prize inscribed on the hull. SS Better Prize? Yeah. Blurble, gerbil.

KADUNK! KADUNK! KADUNK! Out from the boat you see an oozy humanoid wearing a yellow uniform with shoulder fringes. Surprisingly he seems to have a peg leg and scuttling behind him is a tiny colorful splotch of goo that croaks happily as it approaches. I'm Captain Kurg of the SSBetaprise. Jesus Christ. And this... This is my second in command, Spork.

He points down at the splotch. You four look like you may be in need of transportation down river. I have a six cents of these things.

That's how we talk. It's dramatic talking. Do you think we'll get William Shatner to do this? Yeah, we're going to. Let's pause down real quick. William Shatner actually canonically hates Gus. Yeah. He blocked me on Twitter. Did you figure out why? Yeah. It's a long story. I'm going to say it some other time. It wasn't my fault. Can provide passage for 10 silver each. Okay. I don't think... I think we can find another way. Okay.

Nice to meet you. Hold on. Before you go, this is no ordinary steamboat. Uh-huh. We've explored the many frontiers of Grotef on my five-year journey sailing.

And in that time, I have collected rare curios and learned cultural crafting techniques for purchase or trade on board. Well, beam me up. That sounds like some fun. Oh, he's a shop. Shopping montage. Shopping montage. May the force be with you.

Be with you. Mateed grabs Elga and they both fly off together down the canal. May the odds be ever in your favor. Come aboard, explorers. We shall boldly go downriver to my hometown of Glurb. It should be lovely.

This time of year Can I give you How much is 10 silver in copper 100 Here's 100 copper I will give that as well We just gave him a buttload of pennies I give him 10 silver Thank you

And it all shakes out in the end. You all make your way onto the SS Better Prize and hear steam blow from the stacks like whistling chimneys. The stir wheel comes to life and begins paddling water, propelling the ship downriver. Spock will get us to my hometown of Glob faster than you can say. Fasser.

Fascinating. In the meantime, we're there. I interest you all in perusing some of my Cheerios for sale or trade. I love Cheerios. I also might be able to offer upgrades to existing items. Come with me upstairs.

Let's get

I'm waiting for him to say one more phrase. He turns around and walks. He begins walking up the stairs to the second level. Now I follow. So this guy is an ooze, I imagine. Make me a wisdom check, Elka. All right. He's an ooze and he's got a peg leg. That's interesting. It is actually weird. Ten. You know, having lived in Grotef your whole life, you know that Kerg, and actually he said it, is a Glurbian. So yeah, he is an ooze type creature. And is Spork as well. Spork is some kind of toad.

I also, I was writing these down quickly when you were saying them. And I know that you made a joke about like something that sounded like Spock. Spork. But I know it was Spork now, but when I first wrote it down, I wrote Splock. Because I was like, I think that was what he said. Good enough. That's what happens when you just drop a bunch of jam on the floor. And he was a...

Some kind of toad. Glarb- Glarb- Globian? Glurbian. Glurbian. Glurbian. It's the blurb-le-gurbl, it's the introduction of these people. And he- and Spork was a tar- Spork is a tar toad, specifically. Tar? Yeah. Like, he's made of tar? Yeah, kinda. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I guess we all head to, uh, the Curios. Kurg leads the way up to the boiler deck, which is the second story of the ship. Double doors lead into a steamy shop filled with weapons, ammunition, and magical baubles.

Behind a railing is a blazing forge connected to the exterior stacks. And you know, as he mentioned, he can also, if you want, perform upgrades to some items if you're curious about that. Interesting. He's going to get a sense of what the items are first. He probably has a lot. Is there like a list we could look through somewhere? Oh yeah.

Or like what's the easiest way to do this, I guess? You look in the case and in the display with all the different items that are available there and you see various baubles and magic items. You see emblems, amulets, horns, a cloak, a cup, medals, sling bullets, and dragon hide belt. Could Elga look at the cloak? Yeah. To you, young one, I have special items that may interest. Oh.

Okay. Do the rest of the Glarbs talk like you? Well, Captain, I would love to see your items. Our first four-hour episode. Kirk pulls out two items specifically and places them in front of you, Elka. The first one, sippy cup of...

Satiation. I somehow feel targeted. You look like a kid. Sippy cup of satiation. I'll read this DM voice. You already heard the word. I sure did. This bloodstained sippy cup is the perfect vessel for vampiric imbibation. Pour fresh blood into this cup and sip, sip, sip away, regaining 4d4 plus 4 hit points. Once

Once the sippy cup has restored hit points, it can't do so again until the next midnight. How much do you need to fill it? What is the ounces or whatever measurement they use here? However much available. Okay. No. Minimum required. I shall take it. I don't even need to know what the other item is. I already know I'm buying this one. Add to cart. Two...

150 gold. That's an expensive cup. It sure is. Keep in mind that we have things to trade. Blood agates and all that stuff. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nope. Blood. Stones. Stones. Also, metal of the horizon. Back.

Medal of the Horizon back. When you would be hit by an attack, you can use your reaction to increase your armor class by five until the start of your next turn, including against the triggering attack. You must be wearing the medal and be able to see the creature that made the triggering attack to use it. Once used, it can't be used again, and the medal becomes non-magical. So it's a one-time use. Correct. Period. Okay. How much is this one? 75 gold. Okay. Well, do you also, I know you're selling these things, but do you also buy things from people?

Yes, of course. Okay. Could I sell him my Bloodstone and Black Pearl? That'd be 550. No, it'd be... Well, I have four Bloodstones. Oh, you have four Bloodstones. So 700. Let me sell him my Black Pearl. You said it was 250 and 70? 250 and 75. That'd be 325 total. Yeah. I see you also have a barely used Great Eye. Barely used Great Eye?

Perhaps it needs an upgrade.

Oh, that is a great idea. I thought you were going to take it from me and then we would have words. What can you do to it? He can enchant it to increase your bonus to attack and damage with this weapon to a plus two. And whenever you critically hit a creature, the steel of this axe turns bright red for a moment and you regain a number of hit points equal to your constitution modifier plus three. Ooh, that's vampiric. Cool, yeah. And how much does that cost? Very...

rare materials to make this act 700 days. 700? Okay, actually, you know, that's pretty doable. Now that we have these stones, we could sell. Do

Do we know if like the... He's talking like him too. The bloodstones or the whatever pearl. Black pearls. Do they have any utility outside of just selling? Oh, like are they material components or something else? Not really. I mean, obviously later on there are some spells that are like requires a gemstone worth 500 gold or requires a gemstone worth 50 gold. Like in that sense, yes, but not specifically for anything. Is it 700? Ain't no magic in Elga's future. So it'd be 1,025. Was that? For all three? All three. Correct.

Okay, so I'll give him all my bloodstones and the black pearl, which would be a total of 700. Okay. And then an extra 325 of my own gold. Good doing. Business. Business.

With you. So you can add Sippy Cup of Satiation, Medal of the Horizon back, and if you look, your new axe should be called Great Axe of Gaining. Helga's got gains. Okay, pleasure doing business with you. You shake his hand, you just stick it into the sludge. Anybody else? No.

Sure. Wish to trick. Oh, yeah. Who wants to go? I guess Barney said sure. You're welcome. I will say that because I have the pearl that we're probably going to split the costs on, both of you guys will have money owed to you. I don't need any money. You don't even know what he has. It's okay. I'd be okay. No, no, no. I insist. They eat first. I have everything I need. I have the cat. I have my muffins that I can throw. You got a best friend.

Where is my best friend? It's Kirk. Captain Kirk. No, we know it would be Spork. Let me go first. Let me see what he has and then how much I have remaining. That way, if you need a loan, I can help you. Oh, hey. Let's go. Farewell, Matt.

What's Star Trek line? Peace. Peace. Peace. Be with you. No one help them. No one help them. Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper. Yeah, that's it. You guys have to take back your nerd cards. Come on. They're Star Wars boys. I'm a Star Wars man. You can tell the guy who wrote this, though, was raised in a Star Trek family. Oh, how rude. Cutting in front of your...

friend. No, you see, like, we got a money situation where I'm gonna lend him money, so I need to see, like, how much I can give him, so if we can clear up my... It makes sense. We're good friends. I'm a good guy. Hi, Chip Hater. Chip Hater, nice to meet you. Blurble Gerble to you. Yeah, yes, Blurble Gerble. For a fine tiefling like you. He's gonna fine me. To either.

Okay. Horn of silent alarm and cloaks.

of displacement. Oh, a cloak. What do those do? Mateed whispers to Chip, you need to curtsy as you say that as well. Oh, I blurble a garble and I curtsy at the lowest I can possibly curtsy. As close to the ground as you can get. I fan out the ends of my shouldy. You see, this is a shouldy. It's a shirt and a hoodie. You know, whenever I put it on, I say shouldy where it's shouldy not. Clever.

Thank you. The horn of silent alarm has four charges. When you use an action to blow it, one creature of your choice can hear the horns blare, provided the creature is within 600 feet and not deafened. No other creature hears the sound coming from the horn. It regains 1d4 expended charges at dawn. So, uh, Captain... It's, uh, Kerg. Sir Kerg. Captain Kerg, will you... What did you call me? Captain Kerg. Nope. Kerg. Captain Kerg. Nope. Kerg.

Captain Kirk. First try. Yes, Captain Kirk, first try. What's a situation where you can use something like this? When stealth is required. It is, most of the time. To alert your friends. Uh-huh. Silently.

Okay. Blaine's not impressed by this item. It's fine. What's the cloak do? Metagame-wise, cloak of displacement. When you wear this cloak, it projects an illusion that makes you appear to be standing in a place near your actual location, causing any creature to have disadvantage on attack rolls against you. I want that. If you take damage, the property ceases to function until the start of your next turn. This property is suppressed when you're incapacitated, restrained, or otherwise unable to move. Say I do this and I try to disengage and go into stealth. Does that impact that ability? No, no, no.

I think it's more like, think of the What's-His-Face from Apex Legends. He sends out hollows of himself, and so you don't know which one to attack. I do like that character. Yeah. Okay. It's a very rare item.

700 gold. How about we talk about what I could get as an upgrade, and then we, you know, see if we could get, like, a buy one, get one situation and try to bring you down, you know? How about the arm blade of blurbing? I'm listening. Ha ha!

Chip has now moved an inch from Captain Kirk. It's an upgrade to an arm blade that coats the blade in acrid slime. You gain a plus one bonus to attack rolls you make with this weapon, and it deals an extra 1d4 acid damage. That's good. In addition, when you're the target of a ranged weapon attack, you can use your reaction to attempt to absorb the projectile's damage into the weapon. Ooh.

The projectile could be any ranged ammunition, but does not include AOE. You make a melee attack roll with the weapon. If your attack roll is equal to or greater than the attack roll made against you, you absorb the projectile. Just swallow an arrow that comes at me. Yeah, basically you like engulf like whatever the arrow or whatever in like the acid from the blade and it dissolves. And you can use that feature twice per long rest. That's cool. It's like a laser going at a lightsaber.

My favorite. Star Trek. Set your phasers to fun. Okay. All right, Captain Gerk. Nope. Nope. Try again. Try again. Captain Gerk. What? What?

Spell that for me. He's now just yelling it in hopes that it sounds better. Kirk. Kirk. Kirk. Kirk. Kirk. Captain Kirk. Yay! Let's talk about how much we could bundle these together in doing some trades. Together? Mm-hmm. Two items. Yeah.

1100 gold. All right, well. You're rich. You're a rich boy. Okay, I have a bloodstone and a black pearl together. That is 700 gold. So there's that. And then. Need 400. Didn't you get a bunch of coin as well?

But it's supposed to be silver. So, okay. I think I have 130. So that'd be... Okay. All right. Blaine is sweating. I have 1,000... I'm wearing a sweater. I have 1,300 silver. So that's 130 gold. Yes. Are you writing all this down? This is gonna be impossible to keep track of in your head. No, no, no. I got it all up here. So I have 130 gold plus the 7...

700 from the bloodstone combined with the black pearl so that's 830 and then i have gold which would oh i got the platinum as well remember how we talked about how dnd is basically improv and math yes this is this is it this is heavily math portion of them but then i take so he pays you the 400 gold somehow end of statement right and then i got 170 gold so i'm gonna give you how much

How about 900? Oh, he's haggling. Oh. Do you have suspenders for that? Make a persuasion check. You'll never meet a more persuasive person than I. 26. How do you have a plus 10 on that? Because I'm a charismatic guy. I got the reasons that kids say. It's the rogue. Haven't you been playing Baldur's Gate? True. 1.

Thousand. That's a deal. I rolled a 26. He came down on the price. What was it originally? 1100. Oh, I forgot about that. I was looking for a thousand. Now I'm back to where...

950. Make a persuasion roll. Oh, gosh. 22. 975. Fine. 25. That's like... Jesus. Now I got to do all the math all over. Okay. All right. Here's a black pearl. Here's a bloodstone. And money. And money. There you go. A scout's honor. You're going to do that math right. 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Matee turns and notices that Barney has fallen asleep and stirs him away. Are we there? This is your time to show up.

Hi, I'm Barney. You look... You look... I love your ship. I'm so glad it ended with ship. Thank you. It can do warp eight. Wow. For a priest slash cleric as yourself. Two special items. Guardian emblem.

An amulet of the devout. And what do those do? The guardian emblem is the symbol of a deity or spiritual tradition. As an action, you can attach the emblem to a suit of armor or shield or remove it. It has three charges. When you or a creature you see within 30 feet of you suffers a critical hit while you're wearing the armor or wielding the shield with the emblem. You can use your reaction to expend one charge to turn the critical hit into a normal hit instead. That's big. It regains all expended charges daily at dawn.

Basically, it undoes three crits per long rest. And that extends to people around him? Within 30 feet. Nice. That's a good, that's like an aura. Because I was doing math, I missed all that. I'm very excited for you to bring that out in combat and be like, where'd you get that? Amulet of the Devout. It's an amulet that bears a symbol of a deity inlaid with precious stones or metals. When you wear the holy symbol, you gain a bonus to spell attack rolls and the saving throw DCs of your spells. The bonus is determined by the...

Amulet's rarity? In this case, it's a plus two. When you wear the amulet, you can use your channel divinity feature without expending one of the feature's uses. Once the property is used, it can't be used again until the next dawn. That's good, too. Yo. And then... Did Barney just say yo? No, he said yo. He said yo. Okay. All I heard was you just saying yo. Yo.

I can also tinker with your watch to make it more accurate. And what does that do? Pocket watch.

with predictability. This is an upgrade made to an existing pocket watch, adding a third hand to the clock. When you make an attack roll while bearing the pocket watch, you can forego rolling a d20 to get a 10 on the die. This feature can be used twice per long rest. So it's like that's probably good if you have a high modifier. You're not going to impact anything else with the watch? You're just gonna add the other hand? Correcto mundo. Okay.

And how much is all that is? All three? Yeah, I guess individually. Pocket watch, only 75 gold. Guardian emblem, 200 gold. Amulet of the devoured, 5 gold.

Go. 775. Okay. Do you think you could do me a kindness and go anywhere closer to 500? Oh, he's an old man. Do me a kindness. How could you say no to that? Come on, Glirk. Look at him. Make a persuasion check. Wrong again. Glirk? Yeah.

That's actually the like the one red flag of chip is that he's like mean just to us like serving staff So it's a 13 on the persuasion 725 that is a kindness, okay

Yeah, I'll figure out the gold and stuff. Do you need more? I don't know. No, I'll be okay. I guess I'll just... Can I just get rid of some of my... Like, I'll sell you some of my stuff and we don't need to go through it. Sure, why not? Scout's honor, as long as you add it up right. I don't want to go back in and double check everyone's math. It's just Barney. I'll get you on the back end. I'm going for it. I'm going for it. I'm going for it, man, please. If you buy me a cheeseburger today... Oh, gosh.

Anyone remember that character's name? Hamburglar. No. Yes, that's correct. The Hamburglar. Was that not the Hamburglar? No, it wasn't. It was the Popeye's character. It's a character from Popeye. Wimpy? Wimpy. Yeah. I'm old. As for Mateed and Jacques Walloping, Sling, Bullet, Dragone, Hyde, Pelt, and possibly Anne,

upgrade to your cook's utensils to make them a spear. Oh, that's pretty cheap. With a bunch of duct tape. Can you upgrade his cat? So the walloping sling bullets, it's ammunition for sling, obviously. Which sling? Any creature hit by the bullet must succeed on a DC 10 saving throw or be knocked prone.

Oh. I just realized that that's a sling. I thought that was like a thing you were casting all along. No, a sling. Huh. Like good old David. And then the Dragonhide belt? It's a finely detailed belt made of Dragonhide. While wearing it, you gain a bonus to the saving throw DCs of your key features. In addition, you can use an action to regain key points equal to a roll of your martial arts die. You can't use this action again until next dog. And it would give you a bonus of plus two to your saving throw DCs. Oh.

That's very good. And then what can you do to my cooking utensils? Be very careful. They can be upgraded, arcanely assembled into a single spear that sorts the wheat from the chaff in battle. Which utensil is at the tip of the spear? Is it the whisk?

It's most likely a spoon. So imagine trying to like cook with all of your utensils melted into one thing. One giant one. Like, oh, my rolling pin's four. Just holding a giant spear over my head, stirring with it. Yeah.

With this spear, you would gain plus two bonus to attack rolls and damage. With the spear, I do thee wed. You can use an action to speak a command word and stick or throw the spear into the ground. Gold-hued arcane spikes resembling wheat briefly shoot up from the ground in a 15-foot radius around the spear. All creatures of your choice have to make a dexterity saving throw. Or get a gluten allergy. Ha ha ha!

On a fail save, they take 3d6 piercing damage. On a successful save, they take half, and you can use it twice per long rest. Evil wheat. Alternatively, as part of an attack or bonus action, you can call back the spear to your open hand from up to 100 feet away. The spear shimmers, dissipates into chaff, and then reappears in your hand. Oh, that's neat. That's very cool. You should buy that.

Let's buy that. Should I buy such? Yeah, we will. Do you need to borrow anything since you let us have those things? I do not know. What would be the sum of all three of these? 1,100 gold. That's not 100. What you got? I got 750. Okay. Don't forget you have platinum. Oh, no, that's total. I have 650 monies and I still have a gemstone that's worth 100. That's 750 total. 350 short.

Okay. I don't know if I said it. By the way, it's the Spear of the Superior Baker is the name of the spear. Oh, you did not say that. I'll give you 120 gold. Okay. So you still need... I'll be at 750, so 870. And so I need another 230. I mean, I could cover him with my platinum piece, but if anybody else wants to chip in. I could have... It's okay. Actually, if... I can give you something.

You sure? Yeah. Are you sure you want to give me your money? Yes, you know, you let me have those stones and that was really gracious of you. Yeah, but it's... I am fine not getting one of these. It's not a big deal to me. No, we are a team and if you... High water raises all the ship... Anyways...

I will give you... Is 100 gold good for you? 150? That would be plenty. Thank you very much. I'll give Matit 150 gold. Okay. So then that brings you down to 120 that you need left? So I have... What is it? 1,020? And you need... Then you just need 1,000... 1,100 gold.

So he's going to need 80. I have, this is what I have and I show Kirk how much I have. Would this be enough maybe for today? They're a very friendly bird. Go ahead and make a persuasion check. I would gladly do that. Could Elga help make a persuasion check by doing puppy dog eyes? Sure, you can roll to assist. Please.

Please. Mathias here is such a good person. I need some help. I think that you should give them eggs. Oh, gosh. I rolled a 10. I rolled a 3. Great. Sorry, I wasn't looking at the right person. You were looking at a spork. I was looking at a spork. I can give you a frequent buyer discount. Ah, since all my friends have bought dolls your other wares. Yes.

This will suffice. Okay, thank you very much. I appreciate that. Kirk, you're a good dude. Blob. Kirk. Blarg. Blarg. We got the question right. Outside, you hear the clanging of a roof bell. Captain Kirk turns to you all with wrinkled ooze face. That can't

be good. He rushes out the double doors and you immediately hear the flapping of wings and unusual quacking fill in the air. We're under attack by flockers.

Gooselings. Everyone go ahead and roll initiative. Oh, no. Oh, no. They were my favorite 80s band, too. Gooselings. What the fuck is Gooselings? Seven. I don't think I have to explain it. Fifteen. Thirteen. Twelve. This is a very sad question. Do I still have those rags that we bought, I assume, from Carcassou? Sure. Why not? I don't think you ever do anything to get rid of them. Okay.

So you all run outside. In the air, you see jelly-like birds flapping around, attacking the ship. So based on initiative, it looks like Chip's going first, then Mateed and Barney. There's a handful of these jelly-like birds flapping around. So they're up in the air. Yes. Okay.

Okay. Is there any sails or I guess this is a steam powered ship. But is there any like crow's nest or anything like that? There's the steam stack, but it's hot. I am a tiefling after all, you know. So if I climb the stair, theoretically, if I climb the steam stack, would it bring me up to the level with the birds? I mean, they're pretty low. They're like swooping, you know, at person level. So then if I climb the steam stack, I'd be above the birds. Yes. Okay.

I like that. Can I do that in my combat? In my movement? Sure. And just for clarification, I think tiefling just gives you resistance to fire damage. I'm pretty sure he's immune to it. We've kind of said that a few times now. Yeah, if it's hot, I like the hot.

I don't know that a steam stack is fire damage. Wait, well, what's at the bottom? What's causing the steam? Fire. Yeah, you're not at the bottom, dude. Yeah, I know, but I'm at the top. So it's like it's even weaker than the fire. All right, let's do it. We'll figure out the damage as we go. No. I can always tell what's frustrated with Blaine when he calls him dude. That's what I know. I've got to cross that line. Yeah. Yeah, go for it. Yeah, dude, go for it. Okay.

What could happen bad, dude? I want to do it because I want to be the petulant child. Do it. What? What? Can I perceive if it's going to hurt me? You never want to do that. Can I perceive if it's going to hurt me? What, you like to put your hand on it? Yeah. Make a... Let's call it a... Make a constitution statement with advantage. 19. You think you can handle it? Okay. All right. Well, I'm going to climb this steam stack to get on top of these birds. Be right back, gang. I just want to tell the audience that Blaine is playing with his back to Gus.

And can't see Gus's reactions, his face. Oh, no. It's probably for the best. All right, I climb on top of the steam stack. Okay, yeah, you shimmy your way up to the top of the stack. Where's he going? I mean, you wouldn't be able to move your full movement range. Let's say you get about 15, 20 feet. Oh, the steam feels great on my skin. What a great, great use of my time. And then I want to jump on top of one of the birds and on the way down...

splash at it with my arm blade of blurring blurbling blurbling yeah blurbling given to you by Captain Kirk yeah go ahead and make your attack roll okay 21 oh yeah that easily hits you come down land on one of the gooselings

And then I do five points of arm blade damage. Okay. And then in addition to the slashing damage that I just did, I think I also get the acid damage. Yes. Which is one to four acid. So I'm going to roll for that. That is a four. Nine total. Nine total. Yeah. You jump down onto this gooseling and slice it into two little piles of ooze that fall to the deck.

Cool. And then after that, I'm going to use my cunning action to slink away. Okay. Is that it for you? That's it for me. All right. Matid, then Barney. Do we have a number of how many of these slinks? It looks like at this point, there's probably, if you had to guess...

Five, six, somewhere around there. Okay. Matide attunes their spear by having Jacques kiss it. Aw, cute. And then now it's ours. Does the spear of the superior baker become attuned by having like biscuits made on it? Yeah.

That woke up Chris. I'm going to go ahead and actually, what I'm going to do is I'm going to take the bullets of walloping and I'm going to put them inside the crusty muffins because I still want to throw muffins. Okay, so I'm bonusing my muffins. You're buffing your muffins. I'm buffing my muffins. I'm buffing my muffins. Inspiration dice, guys. And

And I want to use my sling of sandstorms. And I want to attack one of these blue slings. I am not a slimy bird of the ocean. Well, in your heart you are. Okay, apparently. Roll for attack. 19. Oh, yeah, that hits. 19.

And then I do the attack roll at seven damage. And then... No need to roll for the walloping bullets because the gooseling does go down, unmoving in a pile of ooze. And then Jock pounces on it to make sure it's dead. Okay. And then I want to follow that up. I'm going to use a ki point and do, since I use flurry of blows, and I'm going to take two unarmed strikes as a bonus action towards the closest gooseling as well. Ooh, okay.

That's a 12? That hits. Okay. With 8 damage. Yeah, you punch right through it and make you explode it. Kick, kick. You kick right through it and explode it. These hands are meant for baking. And that's what they'll do. Canonically, is that what it's for? Yeah. Is that what it is? Yeah. The feet are for the killing. The hands are for the needing. I do it again. All right.

That one's a nine. That actually does not hit. Okay, then I miss on that one. Is that it for Mateed? Yeah, I'm done. Okay, Barney, you're up. How many are left and what area are they around? We'll say there's roughly three. There's probably two around you and one around Elka. Is there a way I can get all three within a 15-foot radius of me? Probably not. You can get two of them. Okay, I'll do that. I'll cast...

spirit guardians. Which ghost? You call forth spirits to protect you. They fit around you a distance of 15 feet for the duration. When you cast a spell, you can designate any number of creatures you can see to be unaffected by it. I'm going to choose all of the friendly passengers aboard, including my party. And who are the two crew people? Spork and Blurg. Oh, he almost got it. You didn't even know. The look on your face. The look on your face. Captain Kurg. Kurg. Kurg.

Blaine made a face when he said the name of just like, is that right? Spork and Kirk. Yeah. I knew that. I knew that too. Yeah.

Defeat. Hey, Blaine. Hey, Blaine. Never change. Okay, okay. Perfect the way you are. I promise to you. So, they're unaffected. An affected creature's speed is halved in the area, and when the creature enters the area for the first time or starts its turn there, it must make a wisdom saving throw. If it fails, then it takes 3d8 radiant damage. Basically, you've got, like, some spirits around you that'll attack if someone comes in range of them. Or starts their turn in it. Barney's got a gang. Yeah, of spirits.

Priests. Yeah. So I do that. So on the start of their turn, they need to make a wisdom saving throw. Yeah. Don't worry about the ones here. And I point to the two that are in my area. And then... Your spell save DC is 17, it looks like, too. I'll just do that. I'll call that. And I'm done. Okay. As luck would have it, those two by you are the ones that act next.

So they need to both make wisdom saving throws. DC 17. Their wisdom save is minus three. So they both need a 20 if they want to make this. You got this, guys. First one, 14. Second one, four. I'm going to use that inspiration die John gave me and re-roll that. That's what it's there for. 17. Didn't make it. You're close. All right. So they both fail. So they both take 3d8 radiant damage. You want to go ahead and roll that? Oh my God. That's

That's so much damage. 88, wow. Did you put your sunblock on? 14 damage. I have resistance to UV radiation. So yeah, the two closest to you explode into a blinding pillars of radiant damage and just disappear altogether. And the boat is on fire. Neat. So that was their turn, dying. Elga, it's your turn and there's only one goozling left and it's by you. Use your two actions on it.

Well... At the same time. Is it close enough to use a melee attack to me? Yeah. Okay, I'm going to try to use my new Great Axe of Gaining to swipe at it. I think you're going to need both your actions against this thing. They're very high HP. Slashing damage. Great Axe of Gaining is a 16. That hits, believe it or not. Okay. And then doing my damage on it, that is an 8. You slash at it and cut it in half and it falls to the ground, unmoving. Gross. What were you going to do with your other action?

I say. And that's all, folks. Classic Elga. Classic. What's the role for that, Gus? Performance. You successfully dispatch all of the gooselings. So you all get inspiration dice.

or five temporary hit points. - This is where Captain Kirk tells them that Gooselings are actually an endangered species and we just decimated half the population of Gooseland. - I was so confused at first too because just instinctively I equipped all the things I just bought before including the medal of Horizonback, but that adds five to my armor class. And I was like, how did my AC become 20? And I was like, oh, I should probably take that off until I'm actually using it. - That's funny.

As the crescent sun reaches high noon, you notice a shift in scenery from the surrounding shores and beyond. What was once a desolate desert scape is now a countryside of grassy knolls and mushroom fields.

All the while, the column of black smoke has only grown larger and now fills the foreground. It takes you a moment to fully appreciate what you see. It appears to be a town, but it's slowly moving. Here at the edge of the river, you can make out a massive dribbling trail of slime leading up to a mountain-sized slug with neighborhoods of homes, businesses, and even roads constructed on its back. It would all be mesmerizing, if not for one detail. It's all on fire. No!

Wait, so it's on a giant moving slug? Yeah, on a mountain-sized slug. It slugs all the way down. Everywhere I go, there's fire. I'm a perpetual firefighter. You have not done your duties. We need to get in there and save those people. And you are immune to that as well. That's right. Very good. I don't mention that often, but I'm glad you picked up on that detail. I think it's the most interesting thing about you. Find out what the slug is all about on the next episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon.

Until next time, Burble Gerbil. Burble Gerbil. This episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon was produced by Ben Ernst, written, edited, and composed by Micah Reisinger with additional editing work by David Saunier. I want to give a special shout out to some first members over on Rooster Teeth, Oak and Mermaid, and

Johan Lofdal, Johan Lofdal, how do you say that? Tyreking, Seagirl96, and Rowdy13. As first members, they're directly supporting this show. If you're interested, you can sign up for first over at RoosterTeeth.com. This week's arrow question was submitted by MissDustStorm on Reddit.

Speaking of socials, Gus, where can people find us on the social networks? People can find us at StinkyDragonPod on all social platforms. Even the YouTube URL included at StinkyDragonPod. Super easy to find. We believe in consistency. Here's a quick shout out to some folks who interacted with us on social media recently. Here's some NPCs named after them in this episode. Ryder Rajad, aka The Mummy, named after user Ryder7s on Reddit.

Captain Kirk, the sailing sales ooze, named after at CaptainKirk30 on Twitter or at Captain underscore Kirk030 on Twitter. Got to make sure I get it right. Also want to give a special thanks to some friends who provided VO for characters in this episode, like the mummy voiced by Hannah McCarthy at HiHello underscore Hannah, the alchemist voiced by BlizzBear at BlizzBear, Francesca Esteban voiced by Jessica Vasami at Jessica Vasami, Henry Esteban voiced by Ash Hildreth,

at Luminoso Ash, Captain Kirk, voiced by Armando Torres, at Mondo Does Stuff. Tune in next time for another thrilling episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Pocket watch of predictacalability. Predictacal. Predictacal.

Predictability. Predictability. Party watch off. Predictability. No, we're using the first. Predictability, even though this isn't it. Lots of L's, lots of vertical lines in there.