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Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.
This is a Rooster Teeth production.
Top of the morning to all you Maroots. Slam your way into the Stinky Dragon. Sip on our latest libation. Plane shift to sea. It's a mixture of screw brew blend coffee, golden contract cocoa, inevitable device cream topped with shining stun berries. One taste of this metallic tonic is enough to see that everything is absolutely up to
to code in our tavern. Yeah, no lawbreakers here. Wanna see my ID? No? Oh. Okay. Uh, anyway, previously our adventurers lollygagged over to the Lahum's library in search of the Book of Evenfall, but their investigation gave way to an infestation of gruesome grubs and paper-eating pests. Can the party come up with a novel idea before the chapter closes on this moth-eaten magnum opus?
Cobble a cup of coffee, let's get on with this olfactive fable.
Hello everyone, I'm Gustavo Sorolla, your dungeon master for our putrid party. I'm gonna hit our four players with an arrow. This week's role-playing warm-up question is, if your character were the ruler of a small island nation, what laws would they impose? Well, I'll start, as I always do. I'm Barbara Donkelman and I voice Elga von Brath, the half-elf barbarian vampire. And if Elga ruled her own...
Nation. Nation. Island nation. And world. Elga thinks big. I think she would make everybody have tree houses. Everyone live in the trees.
And everyone sleep during the day and be awake at night for no particular reason. At first I thought Elga was demanding you wouldn't have three houses. I was like, why would you? That's a weird rule. That too. That sounds like a fantastic idea. Three tree houses. Yes, exactly. And daily blood donors. Well, of course. Everyone always does that. It had to be stocked. The blood banks.
I guess I'll go next. Oh, everyone's looking. Hey there, it's Chipaney at Tiefling Rogue. Let me see if I had my own island nation. Well, first of all, true wordsmith. Oh my God, I just lost the word. Sorry, I woke up late today. Blurble gerbil, everyone. Blurble gerbil. Whatever you throw trash on the ground. No littering. It's a punishable crime by littering.
Littering or loitering. We really upped the stakes with no littering and everyone's required to do two hours of exercise every day because it's good for the heart and the mind and everyone drinks pickle juice because pickle juice helps stop the cramps and sometimes you wake up in the morning and you get a muscle cramp like a, you know, some sort of a Charlie horse and then it ruins the rest of your day and you wake, show up late for work and then you splutter your way through a
conversation in the morning. And every woman is named Carol. No, no one can match Carol. No one can be named Carol except for the one. There can only be one Carol. There can only be one. I'm Chris Damaris and I play Barney Farney, the old man human cleric. And I think Barney's rule would be that
Every day, everyone has to gather at the end of the evening in the town square and tell stories. That's a long, long evening. Imagine like 80, or how many people are on your island? A lot. Is it all old people?
It's an old folks' retirement island. The island of old folks. Like a leper colony, but just geriatrics. Yeah. That's an island name. Geriatrics. Island of lost toys, but it's just old people abandoned by their children. Bonjour. Je m'appelle Jean Reisinger. I play Mathis Conficis, an Aarakoc-Ringos monk.
And without a thought, the very first law that Matide would put into place if Matide was put in charge of an island nation is I am no longer the ruler of this island nation. I'm sorry.
I'm sensing a lot of similarities between you and Mateed right now, John. 100% abducation from it. Has no desire to rule, work in politics, government, be involved in an entire nation's lives. A lot of pressure. Hear an entire nation's issues. No, no, no, no, no, no.
The life of a baker. That's for Matide. Eye contact is also illegal on your island? Eye contact's fine. I got no problem. Matide's got no problem with that. I would think Matide would want to reap all the benefits, like monetarily, of maybe leading a nation. Probably. Yeah. But none of the responsibility or like attention from it. If Matide had like, if it was a very small island nation, like maybe one other resident. Yeah.
You and your partner. On the other side of the island. Yeah. I feel like it'd be good with like a 30 to 40 group. In a landmass the size of Australia. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But he also brings back the guillotine though, right? Yes. Everyone gets cake before it happens though. As you approach the doorway, you hear the crumpling of paper and you notice the door is cracked. Before you peek inside, a waft of dust fills your noses and beak. Everyone make a constitution saving throw.
Uh-oh. I really appreciate how inclusive you are with that kind of speech. 10, 15, 7, 25. I think Elga made it. With a nat 20. Yeah, I would hope so. That was funny. Elga and Chip, you feel a tickle in your nose, but you're able to stifle it.
However, Mateed and Barney, you can't help but release a thunderous sneeze. Achoo! Both of you fall into the door, slamming it into the wall and tumbling into the room. It appears to be an office completely coated in a peculiar dust. In the center of the room is a disheveled desk with an office chair that quickly settles around. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.
Oh no! An immense insectoid with wings stands tall from the chair, its mandibles furiously chewing, your eyes disbelieving what they see. A massive Mothman is devouring the pages of a tome entitled "Book of Evenfall." Oh no!
You son of a... You know what? I wouldn't accuse you, Gus, of anything of this nature except for just keep doing it. But I think you're really leaning into ghost erasure here. Because you're like, yeah, the ghost sneezed because ghosts have to breathe. And dust would be like an allergen issue for a ghost. Are you not a ghost ally, Gus? I just feel like... Do you not understand about ghosts? Ghosts have allergies. They do not. Yeah, why do you think they're always saying boo?
That's how they sneeze. Is that how you sneeze, Gus? No, I'm not a ghost, John. That's really insensitive. A ghost sneezes boo. He really turned the table. Ah, boo. So, Barney goes achoo and Mateed goes aboo.
And I go, where? He's my favorite character. They bust down through the door. I want to shoot an arrow at it from my crossbow. Let's roll some initiative. See how that goes. Oh, shoot. I was hoping I'd get ahead of that and then he'd let me do it. He thinks if he talks before you, Gus, he gets to go before you. It's happened before where he's like, all right, you do a surprise. I mean, yeah, I would say sometimes, but the Mothman clearly heard the sound, swiveled in the chair, stood up and saw you and was reacting. Give me a taste of the Mothman noises. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.
What did the moth sound like? You'd have to ask a Red Web podcast. It's true. They know about the mothman. Oh, actually, the mothman sounds like screeches, like a train breaking. Oh, is that actually canonically? Yeah, that's like what legend says. Okay. I rolled a 13. 16, I think. 18 for Elga. I rolled a 7. The dread mothman will go first, followed by Elga, Chip, Mateed, something else, and then Barney.
Just to set the stage a little bit here for this office, I don't think, you know, you all just kind of stumbled into it right now. This is an office with a desk and a chair in the center of it. There is also an indoor pond that appears to be skirting the edge of the room. This is the weirdest library ever. When you say skirting the edge, like around the perimeter? It's like wraps around the outer perimeter. Yeah. Weird office. Like a moat?
We came in from the north? Correct. You all came in from the north facing south. The water does not go across the northern end. It skirts around the west, south, and east portions of the office. Yeah, kind of like a big U. Okay. The center of the room, like I said, is this dusty desk with a chair, and there is also a chest in the corner of the room. Oh. Which corner? The northwest corner. Hmm.
So I just want to make sure you get a full picture of the room. All that being said, the Mothman stands up seeing you, lets out a screech, not unlike a railroad, jumps up on top of the desk and lets out this big puff of dust seems to emanate from the Mothman all around you guys. Everyone go ahead and roll Constitution saving throws. Oh boy.
Getting into it. Saving throw. Nine for Barney. 20. 20, so 23. 18. Ooh, you all rolled really well. Way to go, team. Except for Barney. Yeah. Barney, the dust gets in your nose and you begin sneezing uncontrollably and you fall prone onto the ground. Is your hip okay? Yeah, it's okay. My hip? Okay. It's...
He got knocked prone from sneezing. Yeah. Oh, what an old man thing to do. Oh, actually, now that I think about it, both you and Mateed would be prone anyway because you sneezed coming in the door. Double prone. A chew and a boo, as we covered earlier. The look that John is giving Gus right now, I am like, I just feel like you don't even care about my crafting and my character. I just feel like...
Okay, so then that being said, the Dread Mothman is going to seize upon this opportunity and jump on one of the two people who is down. One and two is Barney. Three and four is Matee. Hold my hands. Good luck, boys. Barney! Oh! The Mothman takes advantage of Barney being down and jumps on Barney, claws first, lashing out at him, hitting AC 22. Oh, that's going to hit. Hey!
Elder abuse! No! Mothman's got claws? Yeah. I don't know much about this cryptid. Doing nine points of piercing damage. It's also been called the Big Hoot because some people think that he's actually an owl. Why do you know so much about the Mothman? I just got done with the last podcast and left. They redid the Mothman series. Gotcha. He's just a wealth of knowledge. Yeah. The Mothman jumps on you, clawing at you ferociously, Barney. And his face gets really close up to yours.
and he makes like a hissing sound and his proboscis begins slowly coming out towards your face. - Oh, back away. - Striking a face AC of, oh, eight. Oh, it's a roll to one. - Face C? What is that? You rolled a one, what happened? Anything happen? - His proboscis, instead of hitting your, oh wait, you're prone, so he has advantage. - Oh.
Even on a second attack like that? Yeah. All attacks are with advantage when someone is prone. Oh, wow. So that is the proboscis. He struggles with it for a second, but then he remembers how to use it. Hits AC 20. That hits. Doing an additional 10 points of piercing damage. Wait, 10? Yeah. I don't think we can take this here, Mothman. Barney's out.
Oh, 10? Yeah. Plus what was earlier, nine? Yeah, that takes by. The Mothman lets out a laugh. What does that sound like? And Barney lets out a... Oh, God. Elga, the Mothman is eating Barney. What are you going to do? Well, I...
Well, I was going to offer him sugar and water before, but... Sugar. But I don't like this. You know, Barney, I've grown quite fond of Barney over... You know, I don't know. Maybe I need father figure. Grandfather figure. She rolled a dice at the beginning of the campaign. Am I still raging? I don't think so, right? No, you're not, because you need to...
attack or take damage every round, which is six seconds. So more than six seconds would have passed. Okay. Well, I'm going to rage first of all. And then how far away is Barney and the Mothman? They're all pretty close. You all, you know, came through the door together. So it's all pretty close quarters. You probably don't have to move very far if you wanted to melee attack. Actually, I would say you probably don't have to move at all if you want to melee attack. That's a really good band name. Barney and the Mothman. Barney and the Mothman. I just got to point it out. That's great. But it's got to be the dinosaur. I can't do two bonus actions, can I? No. Okay. Okay.
What? Where did that come from? I don't know. Just for fun. Not I'd ask. Just not I'd ask. Elga's taking over Barbara now. Yeah. Well, I'm going to go run up to him and use my axe of the scarab to try to hit Mothman. Okay. So not throwing, but melee attack. Melee attack. That is a 19. Yeah, that hits. Cool. And so that does... Oh, man. Seven points, but it's plus...
You rage. I believe it's plus two. Plus two, so nine points of damage on him. Sickly-looking, sticky green blood starts oozing out from him, dripping all over Barney. So that means he's dead, yeah? No.
He's bleeding. He's wounded, but he is not dead. Okay. I think that's all I could do then. Okay. But you did what you could. I did what I could. Up next is Chip, and Mateed is on deck. Hey there, Chipainty here. I got a quick question on cunning action. I feel like we need to, like, firm this rule up so that I don't have to ask it going forward. I can take a bonus action on each of my turns to take the dash, disengage, or hide action. So, like...
say that this dude... This moth man. This moth dude. This dude. I mean, does he see me? Like, because I'm trying to proc the... On the assassination...
I can take advantage on attack rolls against any creature that hasn't taken a turn in combat yet, which does not apply to Mothman. But it also says, and any hit you score against a creature that is surprised is a critical hit. Is that only in reference to I've taken the first attack and they're surprised by that? Or does that mean just in general, if they don't know that I'm there, I can do the assassinate thing? In general, if they don't know you're there. Okay. Okay.
So let's say I use cunning action to hide from the Mothman, sneak around him, and then took an attack. Would that hit the assassination thing? I think that it means like it's almost like a surprise. Like if the enemy is not in combat, like let's say it's a guard on patrol or something like that. Like this enemy is in combat, so it's aware. It would not be a surprise. Okay. That's why I asked because going forward, I won't have to ask that dumb question.
Not dumb. And you guys won't roll your eyes at me. Wish that I wasn't on the show. All right, well, in that case... Blaine, no one is saying these things about you. Blaine, your insecurities are showing. Okay, well, then I can use sneak attack then. So if my bonus action is cunning action, I was going to, like, kind of disengage hide.
And then I wanted to like sneak around him. So it's once per turn you can deal an extra 2d6 damage to one creature you hit with an attack with the finesse or ranged weapon if you have advantage on that attack roll. So like would I be able to set that up? I would say if you keep reading it says you don't need advantage on the attack roll if another enemy of the target is within five feet of it. So Elga's already there. Well, he's on top of Barney. Well, Barney doesn't count because Barney is incapacitated. But Elga is there. True, okay.
Hey, you know what? Reading is great. I should have read. Uh, well, in that case, I'm just gonna use the Kopech of the Desert Storm. I'm gonna say, Get off my elderly friend, you...
And I'm gonna slash at him. Nailed it. Oh. It's a very good thing for a stealth attack to scream like that. That's a 13. That actually does hit. Oh, thank God. A little bit of a glass cannon, this Mothman. Gonna roll damage. Mothman. That there is a seven. And then with the Kopech of the Desert Storm, Desert Tempest. Sorry, I was thinking about the war. I also get an additional 1d4 lightning damage.
So in addition to that, I'll roll a d4. That doesn't arc out and hit your friends or anything, right? D4. No. Four. That's 11 points of damage. Okay, and then I also wanted to use sneak attack because that's a 2d6 extra damage because I got friends that are within five feet. So I'll roll the additional d6. We also have that chest in the corner, too. Oh, that's right. Oh, yeah, in the corner. Northwest. That there's a seven.
I'll get it. Take that, Mothman. Barney, stay down. You just army crawl across the floor. Wow, what was that? 14, 18 points of damage? Is that correct? Dang. Maybe. I don't know. That's pretty good. Oh, thank you. That's good. He's surely dead now, right? No, no, no. The Mothman is still chittering. You think he starts eating the book even faster to try to recover. Maybe it recovers health for him or something. Nom, nom, nom, nom. He's still got the book as he's attacking Barney. Mothman has lots of arms. I say drop it.
Drop it, and I try to go for his mouth. Where was the proboscis going then? The proboscis is an addition to the mouth. Okay. I don't like this biology. I tried slapping his back. That's a bonus action to kind of slap his back and kind of get him to stop. No, no, bad. Drop it. All right, that was it for Chip, I assume? It didn't work. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good job, good job. Should I move? Where? To the chest?
Can you move? You'd probably open yourself up for an attack, right? Yeah, if you're that close. Well, I haven't done a... Yeah, you did. Oh, yeah, I already did the bonus. Yeah, okay. Why did y'all dissuade him? I wanted that attack of opportunity. I'm trying to get my teammates not to kill themselves, okay? I would've used disengage, but I already used cunning action to, like... Oh, no, I didn't use cunning action. Are GMs trying to kill us? Well, the guy that just did 18 points of damage, I want to keep that one around and do another 18 points of damage. I'm a baby. I get hurt real easy. That's fine. You're doing damage, though. Everyone just stand
Stand behind me. I shall take care of this. Did I use cutting action? Go back to the recording. Yes, you did. Didn't he? He said he was going to. Did he end up not? I don't know if I needed to. I don't think he needed to. He did not. Disengage! I'm running. I'm power walking over to their chest. With your chest. Yeah, chest forward. Chest forward. It's not too far from where you are. It's 10, 15 feet maybe. So you'd be able to get there. I don't like... Gus is looking at me...
This chest is haunted. I'm talking to you. Something's wrong with this chest. Do you want to sit where I'm sitting so you don't have to make eye contact with him? Is that why you sit there? No, it's because no one else will. I'll switch. Next time I'll go there. Okay, so then I can't do anything with the chest, though. I just walk into it. No, because you use your bonus action and everything. So yeah, you walk to it and you're in front of it. All right. Actually, the rules do say you can kiss the chest. I kiss the chest. Okay.
There's no rules that say a chess can't play basketball. There's no rules that say you can't kiss in D&D. Okay, that's my turn. All right, Mateed, you're up, then an enemy, and then Barney. So I'm going to do something very out of character for me, John Reiser. I'm going to recall an item you gave me a while back. Wait, John's using an item?
I got boldness. Potion of boldness. So what's our ruling on? What does taking a potion utilize in your turn? We'll say it's a bonus action. Well, son of a biscuit. Let's eat. Family friendly. The drinker can roll a D4 and add the number roll to every attack roll and saving throw they make for the next minute. But if I use up my bonus action, I can't do... We also have those scrolls. I know. We don't.
That's why I was looking at John. I was saying, we don't know. Barney, you're dead. Shut up. Yay.
Why not just do that for the funsies, which gives me D4 to attack and saving rolls for one minute. I can add a D4. That uses up my bonus action. Dang it. Everything has a bonus action. The extra stuff you can do as a monk. Flurry of blows. All the bonus stuff? Use a bonus action to take multiple attacks. Don't cut it. Stuff like that. Patient defense. Use a bonus action to dodge.
This is stupid. I guess I just attack. All right. Mateed steps up and attacks the Mothman. What did the Mothman do to you? Nothing. Nothing at all because it's not his turn. Attacked his best friend there. Barney, Mateed's best friend. Yeah, we know Barney and Mateed get along like chalk and cheese. Barney and Mateed, the original band before Barney and the Mothman. I imagine I don't need my D4 on that because I just rolled a 19 on attack. Yeah, that hits. Okay. Oh, this actually does more damage. I'm going to do that.
I'm using the Sling of Sandstorms. What am I going to do? Wow. No. No thought. No thought. Pavlovian reaction. Yep. Nine. When they use the Sling of Sandstorms, does that like propel a bullet? Like some kind of rock or like iron shot?
It's bludgeoning damage, so it must be something like a... Yeah, I'm asking you, like in your headcanon, what is it that Mateed loads into these? Really, really stale muffins. Like, as a ghost who's been around for quite a while, these muffins have been with me through thick and thin. I've saved them for a moment like this. To throw at a moth. To put in a sling and fling them at a moth. Yeah. Yeah.
Well, you know, fin is end, so muffin. Muffin. It's end. Le muff. Yeah, the stale muffin flies through, striking the mothman in the head who gets a quizzical look at being struck by a muffin and takes, you know, nine points of damage.
How far is the Mothman from me? Y'all are really close. It's really tight quarters. Well, give me five or ten feet. I'll say ten. Okay. Because you used the sling, which I see was the range, yeah. How high is this room? The ceiling will say 30 feet. It's a pretty high ceiling. Wow. I go to the ceiling. Okay. Because I'm far enough away it can't attack me, and I like to not be within melee range. It's fun. Matty, the Mothman also has wings! I know, but at least I won't be in, like, an immediate proximity. Okay! It's okay. I hold him down. Okay.
Thank you, baby. I grab one of his little feathers and I hold him. Wings? Yeah. Exactly. Elga doesn't know the difference between feathers and wings or anything like that. Or maybe it's their little antennae are almost feather-like and you've got that. Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, I want to ride the Mothman. It's Falcor. Like Falcor. Yeah. Is that it for your turn, Mateed? Yeah, Dunsies. All right. Who's going to come out and attack us? Who's a surprise? Probably this treasure chest that I'm standing right next to. It's a mimic. It's a mimic. Is it really? No. Oh, maybe. We haven't gotten to that yet. Out from the Dread Mothman emerges a swarm of tiny Dread Moths. Elga, you recognize them. It's like the ones that you fought earlier by the books. Oh, I remember. I remember.
However, they seem to disregard you and they fly straight up at Mateed. Okay. Uh-oh. They begin like swarming all around you. It's like this little tiny swarm of moths like trying to bite at you. So these little bugs are attacking a bird? This will go well. No.
They totally should have. It should go at me like this. When John spits in the face of God. Well, no, it's just like Pokemon. They bite. It's true. And hit AC 20. Oh, yeah, that hits. These little guys suck. Yeah, you've been through this. Yeah. They do. They took like 18 of my HP. Don't worry. I've got 19. They do 10 points of biting damage. Oh, man.
What are you guys doing to us? We had taken that third long rest. And that is it for them, which means it is Barney's turn. But Barney can't do very much. Barney, I guess you can roll to stabilize. Mm-hmm. Try to stabilize. I rolled a 20. Hey! So that means he's stabilized, right? You got one hit point of HP with a 20. I'm back!
He springs up. Yeah, your eyes open and the Mothman is still right in your face, pinning you down to the ground. What a way to wake up. Time over. So that's all you can do. You wake up with one hit point.
Just in time to die again. That's great. One is better than none. Is it? Because it's the Dread Mothman's turn now. Then after that is Elga. Why don't you pick on someone your own size? Yeah! Over here by the treasure chest. I'm gonna touch your treasure. You already kissed it.
What you gonna do, Gus? I'm trying to think. Open yourself up to an attack of opportunity. I'm right here. Yeah, it's gonna try to use the proboscis on Barney again. We tried. You sure it doesn't want to go for Elgo? Once it kills Barney, it'll go to Elgo. Good lord, I'm so sorry.
It hits AC 19. Oh, it hits. Yeah. It has a plus seven? It's going to do at least one point of damage. Barney, you're down. Oh. Oh. That's actually like an advantageous use of the Mothman's attack for us because the Mothman, instead of doing like,
Ten points to someone else. It's just one point to Barney. Only one point. Yeah. And so then absorbs one of those attacks. That's true. Barney goes, I'm up. So Barney can just keep doing that. Add infinite item and just be a pain sponge. Oh, yeah. Great. Roll another 20. Keep it up. The Mothman jumps to its feet and then lashes out with its claws at Elga. Hello. Who is thankfully raging. Hitting. I rolled a three. Hitting AC 10.
Absolutely not. Nice. Bats eat moths. That's it for Shred Mothman. We got Elga, then Chip, then Mateed. All right. I'm going to do my Form of the Beast bite. I'm going to bite at this guy. Okay. Form of the Beast. The Beast bite. That's going to hit for 24. That does hit. Okay. Doing 10 plus...
It is a piercing, which I believe I get to also add my plus two damage to. So that would be 12 points of damage. Ow. And she like gnaws at him. Ha ha ha.
Because he doesn't want to like actually suck his blood because it's gross and green. She just wants to like make bite nards. So is he one big moth or made up of a lot of little moths? One big. One big dread moth. And then, oh, I was actually going to do something before that as a bonus action. Retcon. But I could always just do it now. What are you going to do? I was going to cast Hunter's Mark. Yeah.
It's up to you. Which you choose a creature you can see within range and mystically mark it as your quarry. Until the spell ends, you deal an extra 1d6 of damage to the target whenever you hit it with a weapon attack. I don't think this was a weapon attack, though, because I bit it. Correct? Correct. He's buying an unarmed strike? Yeah, I'm going to say it's not a weapon attack. But it's on it now. But could I still cast it? Yeah, of course. I'm going to cast Hunter's Mark. Oh!
I'm the Mothman. All right. Anything else for you, Olga? Nope. All right. Dread Mothman looking a little roughed up. Chip, what are you going to do? We're in the same room as Mike and Gus, and they shared a slight little smile earlier during Barbara's turn. Oh, he just made a joke. Uh-huh. We'll see. It's because they enjoyed what I was doing so much. I see. I see.
Let's move this screen over here so they can't see us. All right, I'm right by this here treasure chest. Let's see what's inside. I hope it's a super anti-Mothman weapon. I love treasure chest. Treasure chest. I heard that too. Open. If I open this up, can it be a bonus action or what would that be? Yeah, we'll say it's a bonus action. Okay. All right, I'll use my bonus action. All right, you go ahead and open it up without checking for traps. Without checking for traps. La-di-da. And it's locked. There's a combination lock on.
lock on it. Hey there, Mothman, what's the combo? What's your birthday? You can try to force it open if you want. Yeah, that's like a strength. It would be an athletics check, but yeah. Okay. Athletes are really good at busting locks. They are. Hold on, hold on. I'm a rogue, so I have lock picking. Yeah, I've got the... Oh, you want to try to pick the lock? That'll be an action instead of like a bonus action, but you're more than welcome to. Oh my god.
Do it. Do it. Yeah. Why not? We're in the middle of a Mothman thing and Barney's dying. Should I wait? How's the Mothman looking? When is Barney not dying? He's looking pretty roughed up. Did you just go attack him? You do you, boo. Okay. Ah, what the heck? I'll use my thieves tools and I'll try to get this thing open. Let's see what's inside. It could have stuff that helps us. Yeah, who knows? It could be like a big old fly swatter. Yeah, go ahead and roll your sleight of hand check.
What's the D&D version of like a Mario invincibility star? Could that come out of this chest? I was going to ask if there was maybe a giant fly swatter in there. Well, interesting that there's a one. Best rogue ever. Best rogue ever. Plus five. You pull out your thieves tools and try to pick at the lock and figure out the correct sequence of tumblers for the combination lock. Also, when I'm doing this, my knees are locked. So I'm just like bending straight down and my butt is just like completely like, well, a little
Nothing at all. Really presenting. Yeah. While you're doing that, your thieves tools do snap off and burn. They're broke. Is there a way we could utilize that water that's going around the perimeter? I'm on it. So we push Barney into the water. All right, now float around. So I guess I use my bonus action to try to open it, and then I use my action to... You can still move. Yeah, we're moving.
Is there anything else around the room? Is there cover? There's a desk and water. Yeah. I'll just stay here and hide behind the chest and just act. I'll just be embarrassed and poke my fingers together. Ooh, indeed. Mateed, that was so embarrassing. Did you see what Chip just did? No, there's too many dang moths around my head. They're covered in moths. You're surrounded by moths. What are you going to do? I'm going to cast Arms of the Astral Self.
which starts off with a lovely little AOE effect. When you do so, everything within you that you want, that you can see, everything you want, everything you want. I love that A24 movie. Everything you want around you, everything you can see, everybody you can see that you choose, 10 feet, you must succeed on a dexterity saving throw or take force damage equal to two rolls of your martial arts dice, which is AD4. So dexterity saving throw, correct? Yeah.
Yeah. What's the save I need to make? 13. All right. So what's my modifier on this? My modifier on this is not good. That is plus one. All right. So I need to roll a 12 or better. Yeah. 20. Stop celebrating. Butt crack. They all just put their thumbs up. I hate this. I'm shooting finger guns. Okay. Boom.
Well then, mister, I rolled a 20. I'm going to use my arms of the astral self. When you make an unarmed strike with the arms in your turn, your reach is plus five and unarmed strikes you make with the arms, you can use wisdom modifier. Then I'm just going to do, I guess, a melee attack on these guys. All right. Two. So,
So seven. You can't see them. They're just moving around so quickly. They're in your eyes. Am I close? Yeah, they're like occupying your space. Am I close with a seven? If you're asking if a D4 would get you there, it would not. Okay, then I don't roll the D4. It's a good use of that potion. Yeah. Yeah. Really like inspire me to use my items more. I'll say if you'd rolled an eight, you might've been able to hit it with the D4. You're looking for a 12. Hey, Chip. High five. Useless turns. Mateed, I see you're struggling up there. I am too. It's not so bad. No.
Shut up, Barney. It's okay, everyone.
- We're in a situation, everyone just relax. - Way to go, Alga. Is that it for Mateed? - Yeah. - That means it's Dread Moth time. - Boo. - Oh man. They're gonna take Mateed down. - They continue swarming, attacking, biting. They hit AC six, which I assume is a miss. - It doesn't hit, it's babies. - Yeah, they try to bite at you, miss. Very, very, very embarrassing of them. - It's okay, I miss them too, twice. - Barney, go ahead and roll to see if you stabilize.
that's a 16 that is a stabilization yay go barney and you need three of those yeah okay barney you're bleeding less you're looking good dude after barney oh the dread moth man who took a swing at elga yeah he's gonna do it again he missed right he did yeah he doesn't like that he's
He's going to swing at you with his claws once again. 14. Strike. My AC is 14. That's a hit then. Could I then use my form of the beast tail as a reaction? What does that do? If a creature you can see within 10 feet of you hits you with an attack roll, you can use your reaction to swipe your tail and roll a D8, applying a bonus to your AC equal to the number of rolls potentially causing the attack to miss you. What? What?
You have a tail? I sure do. Wow, Elka, you're just like me, for real, for real, on God. That's what the kids are saying. That's my deed. Super cool. Yeah. News to me. So I roll a D8. Wait, you said that it adds AC? Yeah. Applying a bonus to my AC equals the number rolled. Gus, can I have that action, that cool tail thing?
I'm just trying to figure this out because it says like on one page it says it deals piercing damage. But then on this other page it says... It's a reaction and an action. I see. Yeah, so I also have it as a reaction. For every action there is a reaction. In Dungeons & Dragons only. I just have a... Yeah, you can absolutely do this. I just like moving forward in the future. I'm curious. I don't know if anybody else knows.
When Elga rages, does she have to call which form at the beginning or can she call them at will like this?
Oh, is this like an aspect of your rage? I mean, it seems like when I'm raging, I just have all these different beast abilities. Yeah, okay, so when you enter your rage, you can transform, revealing the bestial power within you. Until the rage ends, you manifest a natural weapon. It counts as a simple melee weapon for you. Add strength modifier to the attack and damage rolls when you attack with it as normal. You choose the weapon's form each time you rage. If you have the tail, you use it as a reaction.
This is our first time doing it. We're figuring out. I'll let you do it right now. Okay, okay. I'll know for next time. Yeah, in the future when you raid, you pick one and then that's the one you have for that raid. Because last time I used the bite, so technically the bite is what I would have picked. Oh, the tail would have been cool. Yeah. Okay, well. But yeah, now we know. We're just, we're figuring this out.
Okay. Yeah, we're super hardcore, super strict by the rules by the book D&D here. Yeah, there's like a page about freebies. I think so, yeah, yeah. So you roll and add it to your AC, right? You could even roll a one because I rolled a 14. I rolled a two, so my AC would be 16 now. So yeah, the Mothman, you know, was going to strike out with its claws, but then Elga lashes the tail up in like a defensive posture, knocking the Mothman's claw attack away. Just this one time. Ouch.
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for 50% off when you sign up for the Dash Pass student plan. Subjects change, terms apply. There's these cool little guys in Elden Ring. I think they're Crucible Knights, and they don't have tails, but then every once in a while, they'll manifest these gold tails that are made of energy, and they swipe people with it, and that's what I'm imagining Elga looks like right now. That's very cool. Yeah, except now she's got a Dread Mothman with a proboscis. Oh, God. Launching at her. Hitting AC 19. Oh, yes.
Okay, but only one hit because the other one didn't hit. That's true. That's true. Doing... We've managed to negate one of their attacks each round. Hate it. Six points of piercing damage. And it's piercing and I'm raging. Yeah, so you take half. So you take three. So three points. Nice.
I'm reading Barbara's character sheet because we were talking about it. You have undead sensitivity. You can be healed normally, but it feels like burning under your skin. I avoided healing spells because I didn't think I could heal you undead. Well, you could. It would just hurt me, I think. Well, I've been using other types of healing things to heal you all because I didn't think I could heal you. Anyway, I just had to. So you can be healed, just it feels like a burning sensation. You don't actually take damage. Oh, that's not so bad. Yeah. Okay.
Like putting Bengay over your whole body. Yeah. Or Icy Hot between your legs. Ilga.
Yes. It's your turn. Okay. I really didn't like that interaction I just had with the moth. Neither did the mothman. I'm going to try to hit him with my axe of the scarab again. He doesn't like that either. Oh, man. It was on a 20. It rolled over. It's only a 10. A 10. That actually misses. Yeah, I know. Why would you say it like that? What's wrong with you? I know. Because the mothman's AC is 12. Because in his head, we're all worried about the mothman. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Got it. Got it. Man. Okay.
Don't worry, Elga missed her, guys, okay? You all have been on a bad roll. Chip broke Thief's Tools, Mateed missed the Swarm, and now Elga missed the Dread Mothman. And the Mothman missed one round. Yeah, right before that, Barney died. This has not been a good turn for everyone. Is there anything else you can do, Elga, or is that it? I think that's it, unfortunately. But you're tanking, and I don't want to appreciate it. All right, Chip, what are you going to do to mess up this round? Uh, oh.
That's a challenge. Keep in mind, I am between... The treasure chest is between me and the Mothman. So I'm kind of behind half cover. Totally hiding. Totally hiding. Cowering. Listen, I say this... How big is the chest? Is it like a single key chest in Zelda? Or is it the big boss key? It's pretty big, it's like a boss key. Okay. I'm mostly establishing this because if this is a monster, I want it to be in front of me so it doesn't have some sort of a surprise...
feature. Is that a thing? Anyways. Did you get attacked by moths as a kid or something? I don't want to talk about it. Alright, I'm going to use that there crossbow, but I'm also, that's going to have a sneak attack effect because Elga is within five feet of it. Alright. So here we go. Pull it out. Popping out from behind a chest. Close one eyelid. I stick up my tongue to make sure I can aim it and... Wind correction. What am I doing? Did
Did you roll bad? Yeah, I rolled a 10. God. This is genuinely Anakin and Dooku. No, Anakin and Obi-Wan fighting and just the lightsabers going around each other. No one's hitting anybody. We're all posturing and swinging. What's frustrating to me is you all are so close to being done with this encounter. If someone would just land a hit. Maybe if you let us do a... If you give us an inspiration die. Okay, so that was...
The attack. And now you do. I got a bonus action that I could use. I wonder. Sure those these tools are broken. There's nothing I can like. You rolled a one. You rolled a one. What is there any sort of bonus action that I can make that can reattempt opening this chest? You could try like a athletics check to try to like force it open. Okay. I'm going to do an athletics check to try to force it open. 20, 20, 20, 20, 20.
You know, you give it your all and try to force the chest open, but it just doesn't seem to budge.
Yay! If it didn't make me go into half prone or prone, I'd sit down crisscross applesauce and defeat. That's what I would do. If this battle starts off with like battle music, at some point it should just go to like crickets. It's just like how sad. It just slows down and the tone goes down. It'd just be like, this is pathetic. Everybody, the attackers as well. There are enough bugs in here. We don't need more crickets. Hey!
Matide. Let's raise the energy of this combat. And I come to save the day.
Mateed uses step of the wind to disengage from the Dreadmoth swarm flies away from them still within range of the Mothman and uses sling of sandstorms And I'm gonna use my sling of sandstorms and use ancient sands. That's an 18 I hit that the Dreadmoth man. Yeah, okay. Yeah that does hit
And I have some charges left, so I'm going to use the two char- I'm just gonna do everything I can to try to drop this.
Yeah, with a hard muffin. Okay, let me roll for damage. That is eight plus 1d4 force damage for each charge dice. I got two left. Six. So 14 damage. Nice. All right. You propel this muffin with so much anger at the Mothman that it pierces through him, leaving a muffin-shaped hole in his torso. Oh, my God. Absolutely.
I absolutely love that we've ended this boss battle with a hard pastry. He looks down at the hole and it just appears, poof, into a cloud of dust. So good. The dumbest fight ever ending in the dumbest way. The swarm of dread moths simultaneously also poof out and turn into dust floating down all around.
All right, gang, we don't have to tell anybody about this fight, all right? Everyone make dexterity saving throws. Sure. Do I need to? Oh, no, you don't have to, Barney. Not Constitution? I'm sorry, you're right. What did I say? 16. It should have been Constitution. Oh, sorry, I already rolled it. Yeah, that's my bad. 20. 13. All the dust gets in your nose, Elga, and you begin sneezing, and you fall to the ground. Oh. Hey,
This dude's got to do cardio more. I had good constitution, but I just rolled bad. Yeah, Barney is still down. Someone should stabilize him. I imagine I say, bless you to Elgad. She's like, bursts into flames. Uh...
What's that noise? Mateed, uh, heads to the chest, but others can do what they want. Okay. I'm already over here, so I say, "Hiya Mateed, welcome to my- to the chest!" There's a reason why I head to the chest. Oh? I have thieves' tools. But if someone wants to resolve getting the other man up... And me.
Oh, you're just prone. You're not like, oh, get up. Oh, okay, okay. What's your bonus of sleight of hand? Are you trying to see if you're the good rogue in this group or not? Maybe. My sleight of hand is plus three. Okay.
I have plus four. So if you want to hand it to me, I'll hold on to them for safekeeping, you know? Yeah, because Mateed historically just hands over stuff. You're dead! That was out of character. What were you going to say, Barbara? I don't care. That was still funny for Blaine. Is Barney bleeding at all? Yes.
I'm glad someone's going to help Barney. Yeah, I don't know what I could do to really help reasons Basically in D&D you can just go over and you can stabilize. Yeah. Yeah, where's he bleeding from?
Everywhere. It's very specific. He got slashed. He's got some cuts on his chest and the proboscis hit him. He's bleeding from his forehead as well. Kiss his boo-boo. Yeah, can I try to kiss his forehead as boo-boo, but take a little bit of blood? He probably really likes head wounds because they bleed the most. Exactly. Oh, no, Barney, let me help you.
Oh, my God. Oh, it sounds like my cat cleaning itself. And then I want to, I guess, assist him. Do I have to roll anything for that? Yeah, make a medicine check. Where's that wisdom modifier? Ten. Ten? That is what you need. You stabilize Barney. Oh.
Oh, Barney, it's okay. Just drip your blood into my palm right here. I hold it all for you, and I put it back in your body at some point for you if you need it. How was the battle? It went great. We killed him in, like, two hits. You went down, and then he was just, oh, we pummeled him. Yeah, you helped. Yeah, yeah. Happy to. Yeah, yeah. So I have no health, though, right? I have zero health, right? I'm just stable? Correct. Can I, like, use a healing potion? Sure. Okay.
Remind me, if we don't use it as a bonus action, do we get the full healing? Correct. All right. Well, then that will put me 2d4. So that's eight. That's 10. Yeah. Well, that's great. You're so strong, Barty. That's great. You got any quick healing spells you can give yourself? Well, I could do bonus, but the other spell I have is to heal other people. It increases everyone else's health, but not mine. Mm-hmm.
Okay. Might as well, you know. I mean, I can. Nah, I'm fine. Elgin might need it. No. The chest has a combination lock on it? Correct. Oh, oh, we need to look at the book. Yeah. How many numbers? I'm going to go to the desk, actually. Four numbers. Four numbers. I want to check the state of their book. Yeah, it's a slightly nod on Book of Evenfall. And there's also a key on the Mothman's body. Oh. Can I go to the book and start mending it to clean up the bites and stuff? Okay.
Sure, why not? Oh, also for successfully defeating the Dread Moth Man, you all get inspiration die or five temporary hit points. Your choice, what you want. Inspiration for sure. I didn't have to make a joke to get that one.
So does the key fit the chest? It's a combination. Oh, it's a combination. Is there a lock at the desk? So the way that the lock is structured, there is a keyhole as well as a combination. That's why Chip was able to try to use thieves' tools. Hey, Barney. Yeah? Do you mind mending my thieves' tools? During the battle, they just happened to get hit.
And they blocked a blow. I'd be happy to. I think while all this is going on, I believe Barbara said she was going to check the desk as well, right? I did. Oh, you did? Okay. And Matit said that? All right. Just because we've dealt with that for a bit, I'm also going to deal with the desk. And Barney said the book? I'm mending the book. Barney's mending the book. The desk is pretty much in the center of the room, and it's blanketed in that moth dust. I use my wings and get it all off.
Everyone roll constitution saving throws. I knew that was going to happen. Everyone? That is 100% on purpose. I want that in the books.
18. 16. 12. Oh, you too, Mateed. That blew it away from me. Thank you very much. No, no, go ahead. No, no, you're going... I blew it away from me. You might go aboo. Because I got it. I got it. Reaching over to your iPad. 18. Okay, Barney, as you're trying to mend the e-book, you fall down, sneezing and prone. Have you failed every one of these? Yes.
Your old man lungs can't handle it. What's your constitution modifier on there? Plus two. Spandrels. After you blow away all of the dust on the desk, you find four numbers etched into the desk, Matid. What are the numbers? Two, three, four, seven. Okay, really quick. That's someone's pin code, and they heard those numbers, and they just went... That's right, James. We know your pin code. It's two, three, four, seven. Uh...
Someone got really freaked out listening to this episode. I go and input the numbers. You input 2347 onto the chest and the lock pops open. I open the chest, but I check for traps as I do it. Please tell me it's not my wife Carol in a box. What's in the box? Roll an investigation check. 11. You don't detect any traps as you input the number and pop the chest open. And inside is stacks and stacks of brand new unused library cards. Oh my goodness. Wait.
Are we still in the library? Yeah, we're in the office. Upstairs. Yeah, you're all upstairs in the library. Those library cards beg, borrow, but never steal. Yes.
What is the point of a chest full of library cards? Everyone to get one. Yeah. Everybody get one. They have to have library cards to give out to people who come to the library. Yeah. Probably if we take anything out of the library without a library card, we get something. Cursed or something. I pick one up and show it to my face, and I show one to Jacques' face, too. He needs one. Oh.
Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. He reads picture books.
I've never had an ID before. I throw one to Elga. It says Elga Von Brath, but no picture appears. I was going to say. Oh, that's funny. Is that true? No photo? No, no, no. Your photo. So Barney already has one. I go and grab one as well. Oh, I thought you had the one from before. Didn't you take it from him? I think you took one. I think I showed it to him and then. Yeah, I wanted to test if it popped my picture up, but I assumed that I just gave it back to Barney. So Barney has the original one and Chip takes a brand new one. Yeah. Could I take a lap around the room and look and check out the pond?
It feels like that's an odd thing. The pond is relatively shallow, maybe only 18 to 24 inches deep. Sorry for our metric listeners. And it's filled with fish that are swimming about in it. It's a weird office. Fancy. Is there a name on the desk? No. Is anything different about any of the fish? Like is one glowing or something? No.
Make a... investigation check. I really need to stop doing investigation checks. I don't need to be... Stop asking questions. ...the investigative one. I'll look. I got an idea for what we need. I have a plus zero. That's why I say. I have, like, I got 13. Yeah, all the fish look the same. Okay. Can I turn to Mummy and say, hey there, Mummy. Oh, yeah, Mummy's here. Yeah. Glad you were in combat. Good job out there. You could have reminded me when I was rolling initiative. I forgot. Good work out there, Mummy. We got the Book of Evenfall.
What should we do next? I mean, we got this here book. Can I hold it up and look at it? Yeah, let's look at the book. I also want to do Vigilant Blessing before I forget. It gives me advantage on initiative. How long does that last? Until I roll initiative. Oh, okay. Nice. And I want to mend your thieves' tools. Thank you. Gus, let the record show that Barney healed my thieves' tools.
Is that just a counter? They are a shield. Thank you, Barney. The book appears very old, like some kind of ancient tome. It's made of faded silver, and the cover has a circular keyhole engraved with the setting sun. Oh.
Put the key in the book. Get their key. Why are we listening? I guess it is a library. Who has the key from the mothman? I mean, I think I was holding it. The key? Yeah. From the mothman? Yeah. Doesn't seem to fit. However, that being said, it does look very familiar to you, Barney, since you're holding it in your hands. The key or the book? The lock on the book. The keyhole is engraved with a setting sun on it. Like, you've seen this. Setting sun. Can I...
See if I remember it for anything, like history. Yeah, make a wisdom check. Wisdom? Even better. Barney lore. My favorite, favorite. Oh, it's an eight. Well, luckily you didn't need a very high roll on this. You feel like time is really passing by quickly, isn't it, Barney? Yes.
Do you want to pull out your pocket watch and check the time? Oh, my pocket watch. Can I pull out my pocket watch? Yeah, your pocket watch also has an emblem of a setting sun on it that appears very similar to the emblem on the cover of the book. Wow, two matching pictures of a setting sun. What does it mean, Barney? Let's just be coincidence. Anyway, it's
What else have we been looking at in this room? I wonder if this is my book. Can you make him kiss? Okay. Make the pocket watch and the book kiss. Do they do anything when they kiss? Yeah, you make the pocket watch and book kiss. And when they do, the pocket watch kind of slides into this lock like it fits perfectly. The book unlocks and it begins shooting.
It's shimmering. It splits open with a golden light. Ah, it's just like me and Carol. Your dumb suggestion worked. Yeah. You didn't think that pocket watch would be a key? I know, but I thought keyhole pocket watch, not the same size, and so just kissing them. I always think of those old journals you'd have as a little kid where a little circular thing would fit into that little key. Oh, yeah, yeah. I think of the classic film The Mummy with Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz, and then he sticks the thing in and it goes, cluck, cluck, cluck.
Okay, it opens up. Yeah, Barney, you can see it reveals a list of spells and a ritual, and they seem to draw their power from dust. Dust? Not dust, considering this room? A list of spells? Yeah. Can I read what spells? Yeah, you read, and the spells are Lesser Restoration, Appeal of Alleviation, and Greater Restoration. Do I know these, or did I just recognize this?
Like, what do I gain from this? Anything other than just the knowledge of them? Yeah, I mean, you can add the book. You can use them. Like, the book can be used to channel and cast these. Almost like a scroll. It has charges to it, and it regains these charges at sunset. Ooh, it's an item he's going to add to his inventory. Right. Cool. Hey, Barney, what kind of spell do you know? Hey, Chip, do you know any spells? Do you get any scrolls? Huh? I got a book. That's cool. Hehehehe.
You got a library card, okay? That's all the books. Learning is cool. There's also a ritual of some sort in there. It doesn't make much sense to you. It's summon Vespervein. Summon Vespervein? I do that when I'm lifting weights real hard or yelling at the neighborhood kids to get off my lawn.
Is that the vein in your forehead? Is there anything about this ritual that like what's required of it? You feel like it doesn't make sense at the moment. You feel like maybe as you continue your investigation, more will begin to make sense.
Is there anything in this room that looks like those brass rings in the main library area? Oh, like the globe? Oh, no. No, nothing like that. Like the galaxy map, wasn't it? Yeah. Really quick. Barney, where'd you get that locket? Huh? Oh, I've had it for a very long time. Do you know its origin or anything? Well, it's mine. Do you have a picture in that there locket? No. I don't.
I've lost the picture, I think. Oh, Barneylore. I applaud you. It's good tries. Good tries. Getting that Barneylore. I attack one of the fish. Okay, make an attack roll. I'm a bird. What am I going to do? Oh, sure. You're hungry. I get it. I don't need it, actually. Make one of those fish patries that you get in Japan. 22. As you're flipping through the book and reading, Mateed, standing by the pond, lashes out and grabs a fish, successfully striking it.
I gave it to Jacques. Oh, that's sweet. Yeah. Jacques begins eating the fish. I feed my pets, Gus. Yeah. I'm playing D&D and I feed my pets. Okay, feed your pets. I just want everybody to know I still haven't forgotten the time that Gus took a griffin from me. Gumbo ate all the time, right? Gumbo did.
I fed Gumbo all the time, actually. We all remember all those times. Gumbo, God, so many episodes. I feed Jacques. Jacques begins to eat a delicious fish. Meow. Let us make haste to the Pyramid of Antique. Okay. Okie dokie. Could I also just look in the water real quick just to see if I see anything? Yeah, make an investigation check. I have advantage. Thank you.
That's a 15 and a 14, so 15. I'm getting inkwell vibes right about this koi pond, okay? I just remember we saw eyes in the canal earlier, so I don't know. I think that was Barney. Maybe he should check it. Yeah, nothing stands out to you, Elga. It just appears to be a pond with fresh water and fish. This library loves its water features. It's weird. I wonder if this was blood before. Barney, you're covered in dust and blood. Do you want to go just clean yourself up? I do. Okay. Okay.
Uh, yeah, I guess go and clean myself up. Yeah, what do you mean? Like, you get in the pond and, like, splash them? Oh, I get, you know, put my hands in, wipe myself, you know, a pond bath. You know. I know. I know.
You want to get like a neti pot clean out your nose No job for the amoebas And I say hi to the fish hello fishies, okay, yeah, you can clean yourself off. Oh, can I feed the fish? What are you gonna feed them? I don't know. I got some food. I'm sure plenty of time and I'm the mummy's not trying to rush you or anything You throw crackers at the fish they begin eating it how many fish are there 11
That's a lot of fish. There's 11 fish. This is a funky office. Bye-bye, fish.
Mateed follows the mummy out. Yeah, me too. Yeah, you all walk back out the direction you came from, right back out the lobby onto the streets. You exit the library through revolving glass panels into the streets of Carcassonne. The light of day has diminished to a golden hazed horizon. The nearly night sky above is a soothing shade of indigo and slowly starting to twinkle with stars. The keyhole on the Book of Evenfall begins to pulsate with golden light. Now that we have the Book of Evenfall,
Like I said, we must hasten to the Pyramid of Antique, but I must warn you all that it is guarded day and night. If y'all want, you can take a short rest here. I think I'm out of dice. Yeah, I'm at the point where a long rest or no rest. Yeah, no rest till Pyramid. Nailed it.
And he said the key to the book is glowing gold? Sundown right now. Yeah, the keyhole where Barney put his pocket watch. Is the pocket watch still in it? That's up to Barney. Okay. I guess so. Does it do anything if I take it off? The book locks again. Oh. So I have to do that to open it? Yeah, exactly. And use it? Oh, neato. Yeah, so I can heal some people. Oh.
a little bit. So if anyone needs a heal. Yes. Yeah. We do a group huddle. You could give it to them if you want, because I'm doing pretty okay. I don't really need it, honestly. If this is a spell slot or something, then I'm below half. Okay. Yeah, I can. It's this new spell book thing. I can do a peel of elite.
Alleviate. Alleviation. There we go. Alleviate. So 1d6 plus 4, so... Healing? Yeah, to two people. I mean, I really don't need it. I'm like 4. Oh, I do. Then... Oh, great. You and Mateen. Yeah, that's awesome. Go team. Me and Elga, we're playing patty cakes. That's 8. Patty cake, patty cake, baker's man. I got 5. Bake me a cake. Oh, I think I rolled it. He rolled it. I rolled it. So you get the 8. You get the 8, yeah. Cool.
All right. You all are going to need to, once again, move discreetly through the streets to get to the Pyramid of Antique. So group stealth check. Deception checks. Deception. Group stealth check. 17. 19. 18. And Barney.
Luckily, everyone else's rolls are so good that the party is able to discreetly navigate. You all journey through sandy side streets and stairways. All the while, the mountainous pyramid grows larger in the backdrop of the city. Eventually, you come upon a sandstone bridge just as night falls. As you reach the end of the bridge, the mummy quickly pulls you over behind an empty cart. She holds a finger to her lips.
and points to the north beyond the cart. Everyone roll a perception check. One. I give her a cross-eyed look back. 13, 22.
12. Chip, you look way too high to properly take in your surroundings. Oh, but you see a shooting star. Oh. Make a wish. What do you wish? I wish my wife Carol would come back to me. No one hears that. It's always the same thing with you. Elga and Barney, you peer around the cart and see a massive stone fortress flanked by steep cliffs on either side blocking your way to the pyramid. The main entrance is a wooden portcullis with an armed guard on the outside. Just one guard? That you see, yes. Okay. Okay.
Matide, with your eagle eyes, from this angle you're able to see three towers each with one guard armed with a bow. They seem to be patrolling the battlements. And you can see ahead from a few angles and count three more guards patrolling the perimeter. That adds up to a total of seven guards that you see so far. Three at the front, two on the sides, two in the back. That's a lot of people we wouldn't have noticed if we'd just gone off the other perception check. Yeah. There's only one guard. Let's go. The entrance to the pyramid is due north beyond this fortress.
The good news is we have the cover of night on our side. But if my suspicions are correct, the bad news is we need to get inside the pyramid before dawn. Do any of you have any ideas? So that gives us what, the 12 hours? How many hours till dawn? The sun just set, so it'll probably be 10 hours until dawn.
So I just have to kill one guard every 10 hours. That should be doable. Every hour. Well, I only see one. How many guards are there? Anyone else know? Matide gently takes Elga's head in their hands and just points Elga at each of the other guards. So Elga sees all the other guards. Wow. I was just looking one way.
Does anybody have a stealthy approach that they might be able to accomplish? I am a bit of a stealthy little rogue. I don't know. I mean, I wonder if it creates some sort of diversion and maybe you airdrop one of us in because you had the flying ability and you could carry. He uses Android. I might have a couple things that could help us. Bad joke.
Oh, you do? So I have Concealer of Unsightliness, which I think when I'm wearing it, I'm invisible. But I also have some of these scrolls
One of which is blur. One is silence. And one is hallucinatory terrain, which I don't imagine will help us very much here. But maybe silence might? How does silence work? I don't know. What's the sound of silence? Hello, darkness, my old friend. So silence is a spell, and for the duration, no sound can be created within or pass through the 20-foot radius sphere centered on the point chosen by the spell. Any creature or object inside the sphere is immune to thunder damage, and creatures are deafened while inside of it. Oh.
Oh, interesting. But you could still be seen, though. Yeah, it creates a sphere where there is no sound at all. Hmm. All right. I also have an elixir of swiftness, but that just makes your walking speed faster. I take the rogue, and I airdrop the rogue into the fortress. And then what do you do? Well, I got a potion of climbing and a jar of the baboon, so it helps me with skittering around all sneaky-like.
Are there any doors in front of us that I could like maybe go in, unlock, and then let them in? Or is it all guarded? Well, there's this portcullis right now, right? With one guard on the outside. That's the one that Elga saw initially. So if we think we could get through the portcullis, we could probably get. I kind of want to assassinate this guy. What? Okay. We use the silence thing on something around us to make us all quiet, and
And then I'll make a loud noise with the amaterji far away, 30 feet away. Far away. And then they'll look the other way, and then I cast leap on the guard. You see that door? That's 30 feet away. Yeah, but if I made it the opposite direction. He's saying it's not far. No, I'm telling you physically, that's how far away approximately 30 feet is. That's like 20 feet. There you go.
Okay, well then... 30 feet is way further. Well, then if you have another way of making a noise, then we can do that. I also have thought about you, but I don't know if we want to call attention out immediately. I feel like we've got to do this as soon as possible. What if I... Actually, this might be better to do... Well, no, this might be better to do with the rogue. If I were able to get you...
perhaps behind the archers. Could you take out each of the archers? Absolutely. Okay, with the way that the archers are set up on these towers, could I foreseeably fly to a certain height, get behind them, and be able to drop the stealthy little tiefling behind them for him to do little attacks? You could try it.
I don't see why not. Okay. What would stop you? I don't think anything would stop you. I guess this is me going, I can't see what I'm seeing. So if Mateed saw this, would Mateed think this is doable? Right. Yeah, absolutely. The thing you would have to be worried about is, of course, like trying to do it statistically.
stealthily in order they don't see you flying up carrying Chip and doing this. If we go high enough. And if you were silenced. And worse comes to worse. Barney, you know I have a ball that's been missing that I could have been playing with where we could be innocent and try to convince the guards to let us in to find the ball.
That's plan B. Plan ball. Plan ball. B for ball. Okay, let's try this. Also, like, are they up on, like, is it like a guard tower type thing, or are they up on the catwalks or anything? So there's three towers, and on top of each of the towers is one guard armed with a bow, and there are battlements connecting them that seem to have patrols as well. Because I have a potion of climbing that lasts for an hour, so I could just be skittering along the edges.
And then, like, that's how I get around without having to, like, be seen. We can Assassin's Creed this, is what I'm saying. Sure. You want to do that? Do you want to have...
The scroll of silence on you so that- The scroll of silence, just to be very clear, stays on a spot. No, no, wherever you cast it. No, I know, but she picks a spot. You pick a spot and it stays there. Oh, oh, it doesn't- Okay, sorry, I misunderstood. I'd also prefer to have my hearing in it. It's also, we don't know if it'll work because when we use those scrolls, we have to- You roll. Roll. So it's not a guarantee. All right, let's let the rogue do what the rogue does. I'm gonna rogue. Everyone, give him space. He's roguing. He's roguing. Hold him back, everyone. I'm gonna pop this potion of climbing.
And are they within 90 feet of where we might be? Because I could ready a sleep spell. Oh, that's an interesting question. So, you know, you're a distance away from the portcullis, then they are also above that and going to the sides. I'm going to say they're probably not within 90 feet just because they're horizontally far and then vertically far as well. You're dealing with that darn hypotenuse. Curse you, Pythagoras. If they get alerted, what's our backup plan? The ball. I mean, we watch what they do to the rogue.
Pull him apart limb by limb. I won't say nothing. I've been to the clink before. I know how it goes.
All right, so I took the potion of climbing, so I would say take me to the furthest tower. I'll stab that guy. Are you going to start from the left or are you going to start from the right? And then I'll just like, I'll get down on the ledge and then I'll work my way down slowly, stabbing, lowering, climbing, stabbing, lowering, climbing. Hopefully these guys have no HP. At all. We're going to find out. We're going to find out. All right, so make a stealth check.
Come on, Rogue. This is to close the distance between you and the wall undetected. Between like where we are with the cart and just the portcullis. What's that distance? Because aren't there guards in front of the portcullis? There's like two there and there's two behind it. Three at the front, two on the sides, two in the back. That's a lot of guards. You said there were seven total. Three, two, two. And then archers were on top of that? Oh, you were saying there were seven guards and then archers. Yeah.
So 10 people that we need to get around. Yeah. So the distance you're asking for where you are to the portcullis, right? Yeah. We'll say that that is... What's a portcullis? Big wooden door. You know, in like medieval times, you see like the gate kind of drops down. It looks like latticework. I got the rose. We'll say it's about 50 feet. Okay, thank you. So are we cool with this? Just going up from high? Yeah, let's do it. All right. Okay.
No, I'm just saying, like, I also have that Concealer of Insightliness if you need me to at some point. You are our next plan. When this totally fails. No, this is going to go great. These are my old stomping grounds. Have you rolled that stealth check yet or not? Oh, this is you crossing the portcullis, closing the distance, getting up to the wall before you even start climbing. Yeah, that's pretty good. You're able to dart shadow to shadow, concealing your way going up to there. Just for fun, I'm going to roll a Perception check here.
Oh, yeah. You're able to close the distance and get to the base of the wall. All right. Step one complete. Good. All right. Only 10 left. So I climb up. I'm going to climb up that first tower and then take out that archer. Yeah. Okay. I'm going to do it, but I'm going to make it to where I, when I reach the top of the tower, I'm at his back, you know, so that like he doesn't, I'm not just like popping up in front of him like, hey, there. He's gone around the tower. How are you going to determine when he's not looking your direction? I'll just like pick up there. Just kind of like just go.
Let's get a stealth check for that. Okay, all right. Good check, good check. Yeah, if you're looking up at him. Good check. He might even be able to look down. That's why we're rolling here. 18. Oh, yeah. Check. Let's see what the other perception check is. Stop rolling perception checks. It's bad for your health. Oh, one. That guy fell on his own. The guard is looking around and realizes his shoe is untied. He puts down his bow and begins tying his shoe. Oh, perfect. Perfect.
Okay, so then I'm going to approach. Just for like flower text, if you look down, you see the rest of us behind the cart just looking up. I give a baited breath. I give a silent wave and I'm like, I'm pointing
I'm going to kill this guy. And then because he doesn't know that I'm there and he hasn't taken any sort of action, I have the assassinate. What was that feature? Finally get to do it. Yeah. Which is you have advantage on attack rolls against any creature that hasn't taken a turn in combat yet. And any hit you score against a creature that is surprised is a
is a critical hit. This one's definitely surprised. Yes. How often can you do that? Is that just any time you do that? Just any time. Okay, cool. Yeah, and because the Kopesh of the Desert Tempest has, like, lightning stuff and I don't want to do this, I'm going to go back to the alarm blade. Don't forget, lightning is independent of thunder. It's still flashy. Don't try to talk me into giving away my position. What are you doing here? All right, so I pull out the alarm blade and I give him a little step-step.
But I also have advantage, because good lord, that was a 7. And a 23. Okay, believe it or not, a 23 hits. And it's a critical hit. Yes.
So it's 1d8 plus 2. So do I just do it? Do I just roll a 2? No, because it rolled a 1d8 plus 2 and then you add a d8 to it because it's critical. It's a 5. And then you add 8. So 13. 13. And then I also have sneak attack, which is once per turn you can deal an extra 2d6 damage to one creature you hit with an attack with a finesse or ranged weapon if you have advantage on the attack roll. And I'm assuming I have advantage on this. Yes.
So, yeah, I'm gonna roll an additional 2d6. Looks like you got a chip on your shoulder. That's an additional 10. -Oh, yeah, that's your cash freeze. -As the guard is leaning over to tie their shoe, you reach up with your arm blade and quickly make Swiss cheese of him. And he falls to the ground, silent. -Oh, you know what? He silently falls down because I catch his body and I lower it down, making sure not to, like, raise any alarms.
And then I pop back up and I look at my team and I give them two thumbs up and I go, this is a good death. Mateet points at their fictitious watch on their hand that we're on the clock here. And I do like a wacky waving and flailing two-man thing. All right, and then I drop down onto the ledge and then I scurry over to the next guard. All right, go ahead. And I assume you're going to do the same peeking thing. So make a stealth check to see if they spot you while you're peeking at them. Is there a better way to do that? I wonder that Gus is searching for here.
No. What am I searching for? It is your advantage. It is your... 20. There you go. Yes. You are a plus six on the stealth checks. You peek up right as the guard is turning around to look in the other direction. Maybe there's a noise that he heard and turned to investigate. Okay. Going to go through the exact same motions. Arm blade, assassinate. So I get the advantage 12 and a 10. Yeah, that's a hit. Okay. So I'm going to roll the damage on that.
No, but it's... But then you add eight. Yeah. Three plus eight, so it's 11. And then I'm also going to roll the 2d6 for sneak attack. Oh, six. No, 17. That's the math. I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that's right, kids. Don't anyone tell you ever need to use math when you're an adult at your job. Yeah, this guard also lets out like you can hear like the sound of air leaving his lungs as you pierce him with your arm blade. A silent scream is unable to escape his lips. Suck in that last breath. Suck a breath. That's good stuff.
I'm back at it. And then I lower him down again. Also, keep in mind, these are carcassukes, so this isn't just straight murder. They're going to come back. I want to establish that. Okay. Yeah. These are the Hordum guards. But also, it doesn't matter because, you know, I'm an assassin. Okay. Well, go do it again. And then I point at the team and I'm like...
Number two. Number two. He's down. He's dead. I turn to Elgin and it's like, I think he pooed himself. Yeah, that sounds on brand for him. All right. And then I hop down on the ledge and then I scurry over to the next guard slash archer. How many does that make? That's two down. How many of those? Three archers total. Oh, okay. Last but not least. But then there's seven guards. Yeah, but we're taking out the big important guys that would spot us. Clearing the overwatch. Yeah, go ahead. And I assume you're doing the same thing. You're making a stealth check to see if they spot you or not. That's right. That's a...
Oh, no, that's an eight. But I have an inspiration knife, so I'm going to use it. All right. Twelve. Is that your stealth? That's stealth. Stealth check. Can I do something? You're a good distance away, but you have what? Could I make, use the amateurity to make an instantaneous sound of a large raven, like off in the distance going, at the same time? There's like a range of 30 feet? Yeah, 30 feet. So it'd be like the opposite.
Would that be weird to them to hear it right in there? Just a bird? I mean, you can. I'll tell you. That's not a local bird! The reason I don't think that's a good idea is from where you are 30 feet away, it's still going to be drawing their attention in your direction, which is where Chip is kind of coming from. There's no way to do it. Because the portcullis, like we said, is at least 50 feet away. So that sound is going to originate from the direction that you are, which is going to...
I shift my weight to one arm and I look down at Bernie and I give him that "Don't do it, Bernie!" "Don't do it, Bernie!" RIP. Low perception check, Gus. Making my perception: 5. Yes! Yes! Nothing to see here. The guard does not spot you. Okay, same thing. Arm blade at advantage. That's an 18 and a 7.
So I get to take the 18. Is that it? Yes. Okay. And then I roll damage plus the crit. So seven plus eight. And then I'm going to roll the additional 2d6 for sneak attack. Eight. You also very quickly dispatch this archer as well. Okay. And then I have the same motions. Take him, gently lower his body down. And then I stand up.
And then I start moonwalking. And moving my arms and I'm like, I killed him. Alright. And your sneakers make those squeaky sounds when someone tries to do it. No, the sneakers. That's why they don't do that. The extent of the plan has been completed. Now there's seven guards. One in the front. Yeah. There's some up top. Walking around in the battlements. How many are there? Two.
There's two up there, and then there's a bunch on the ground behind the fortress. And the one in front of the fortress. As I said, yeah. I think Chip needs to figure this out. He can't communicate. Matide does the little, like, look at me motion. I'll talk to the audience. This is an audio podcast. I know, but I'm going to talk to the audience through what I'm thinking. You make the motions, John. And I will translate. Okay. All right. Look at me. Eyes on bird.
Pointing at two different archers and he's slitting his throat. So he wants me to kill them. Two different archers wants me to kill them. Okay, confirmed. Got it. All right. So then I guess I'm going to go through the same motions. Are these guys up higher than the archers or they're slightly lower? The battlements connect the towers. Okay. Then I'm going to make a move to the first battlement that's closest to me and then go through the same motions really quickly. All right. Make a stealth check. 15.
I'm going to work my perception check. Oh, he rolls a 20. Well, that's great. Makes direct eye contact with him. He locks eyes with you. This guard walking on the ballot points, and you feel like he begins reaching for a horn of some kind to sound the alarm. As that happens, you hear the whistle of an arrow fly. And kaboom!
A deafening explosion erupts in the fortress. You look around to see the source of the inferno, blazing wooden shrapnel showering the ground all around. But you also notice the night sky is moving. It looks like shooting stars streaking across the sky. Oh, I wish for Carol. I wish for Carol. I wish for Carol. A shadowy figure rises, silhouetted by a pillar of flame and smoke. They toss something on the ground and you hear the shattering of glass. And boom! Darkness swallows you whole. Wait, Chip or everyone? All of us. What? Find out.
On the next episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Every time. All right. Well, thanks for listening, everybody. That was really rad. I'm glad we got to see a little bit of stabby stab from Chip there. I'm also happy, too, because I've been like amping up. Yeah, he's a master assassin. There are times he's like farted on himself. Or broken his these tools. Yeah. Finally, we're doing something. It was a lot of fun. Thanks, everyone. This episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon was produced by Ben Ernst. Written, edited, and composed by Micah Reisinger with additional editing work by David Saunier. This week's arrow question was submitted by...
Micah Reisinger, get out of here, Micah. You write too much already. Here's a quick shout out to folks that interacted with us on social media recently. Here's some NPCs named after them in this episode. Ryder Rajad, aka The Mummy, named after user Ryda7s on Reddit. Also want to give a special thanks to friends who provided voiceover for characters in this episode, like Ryder Rajad, aka The Mummy, voiced by Hannah McCarthy at hihello underscore Hannah. Tune in next time for another thrilling episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon.
Real quick break in the fourth wall. We just took a bathroom break. I was up at the urinal and John pushed me and my hands were engaged in combat. So my head just hit the wall in front of me. Man. And then I farted a bunch of times. Cut all this. No, leave it in. It was magical. People need to know the real you.
