C02 - Ep. 15 - Karcasuuk Coup - Red Letter Day
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Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.

if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. This is a Rooster Teeth production. Salutations, all you space eels. Slither your way into the stinky dragon. Partake in our latest potation. Flotsam Blossom.

It's a mixture of teeth toffee bar, vanilla spine cream, and cold detachinated coffee. One sip of this snake sauce is enough to cool your jetsun. Previously, our adventurers bolted from Bohnish Bazaar, barreled into a bone-chilling butchery. However, things heated up quickly when hellfire hail hurled high from the sky.

Luckily, the party boarded a boat and began a cruise to Carrion Canals. Now it seems they are taking on more than water. A flood of blood. Roundup a refreshment. Let's resume this rank recollection.

Hello, everyone. My name is Gustavo Sorolla. I'm the dungeon master of our putrid party. I'm going to hit our four players with an arrow. This week's role-playing warm-up question. Thank you, Barbara. This week's role-playing warm-up question is, if your character had a catchphrase, what would it be? Don't forget to introduce yourself when you answer it. That's a good one. I like that question.

Oh, I'll go first. I got one. Okay, go for it. Okay, if I had a catchphrase. Introduce yourself. Hey, it's Blaine. Hey, J there. Hey, it's Chip Haney. Blaine Gibson. Oh, God, I'm all out of words. Tiefling Rogue. And if I had a catchphrase. You had to look at your phone for that. That's what you needed. Yeah.

I had a catchphrase back during my assassin days. I'd sneak up on someone real sneaky like and then I'd whisper in their ear, looks like you got a chip on your shoulder. Stab, stab, stab, stab. That's good. That's really good. The very vital part of someone's body, the shoulder. They'd laugh until the blood filled their throat and they'd...

That's a good one, Chip. I like that. I hope you never say it to me. Hello, I'm Barbara Dunkelman. I play Elga Von Brass, the half-elf vampire barbarian. And her catchphrase would be, Get in my way, Elga will make you pay.

These sound more like the Desperate Housewives little like... Lower thirds. The character select menu in Mortal Kombat where they say like... Touch my man and you won't have a hand anymore. There's a lot of similarities between Street Fighter and Desperate Housewives shows. I would say so, yeah. Very similar costuming. I

I am Chris Damaris and I play Barney Farney. I had a couple catchphrases. I'm going to go with full, full, full. Perfect. No notes. Full me once. Shame on you.

Fool me twice. Yeah. Well, you can't get fooled again. A classic Bushism. I got it. I got it. Did you say that? Oh, yeah. Yeah. His famously flubbed it is great. That's incredible. My name is John Reisinger. I play Matty Confucius, the Eric Cochran ghost monk and I'm

I'm trying to think of like what Matide would have a catchphrase of and the best I could come up with is just something along the lines of Je ne parle pas anglais. Just to get people not to talk to them anymore. I don't speak English. I thought it would be something like Matide rises to the occasion. No, I don't like that. Matide has no interest in being like quippy like that with people. Matide is just like

Matisse just very aloof. Yeah. That's good. That's good. Hey, inspiration dice to you guys. Thank you. Thank you. Immoral Combat and Matisse would just go. Actually, I really liked your catchphrase, Chip. Why don't you give yourself an inspiration die? It was really good. Thank you. That was excellent. Not denigrating anybody else's catchphrase. That was genuinely funny for once from Blaine. Took me to...

Took me a second to figure the inspiration dice. I was trying to think of a pun with like hell and Elga. Like there'll be Elga to pay. But then I was like, that's a weird thing to say. I like it.

Splash. Splash.

Roll, roll, roll your boat. Chip me down the stream. Elga looks at Chip. Merrily, merrily! For the first time since you entered the desert, you notice your sore feet feel cool. In fact, they feel wet. You look down and realize that your boat is taking on water. Uh-oh. Faster and faster, the boats flood with water, and before you know it, you are sinking into the canal. You struggle to swim to shore, but the water feels thicker.

Your breathing becomes hurried and you can't seem to stay afloat. That's when you notice the color of the water has turned crimson red. That's a nightmare. Yeah, speaking of nightmares, everyone go ahead and make a strength saving throw.

I'll do the strange saving throw if you want me to, but genuinely at the feeling of water on their feet, Mateed would have gone straight to the sky. Neckies, make a dexterity saving throw just to see how quickly you're able to react. That was an 18 for Chip. I'll do a 25 for Elga. My saving throw is the same as mine, so it was 18. One day we'll get them right. I know.

14. 14, yeah. We'll say you're able to dart up into the air very quickly. So strength save, Chip, 18. Barney, 18. Elga, 25. Look at you. Everyone's pretty strong today. Used to be back on the rowing team in college. What college did you go to? What was Chip's major? And there's where the improv died. I had all this written down. Yamford.

YAMFERD! Oh yeah! Yeah! Go Yams! Sorry I stepped on what you were saying, Mark. No, no, that's great. Those fighting yams. I really want to, we need a shirt. Just a shirt. The bam, the yamfered yams. Yeah. The fighting yams. We need that. I'm just imagining the mascot at the games. Does

It doesn't have any face hole, it's just a jam. Not even, it's just a body in a big sweet potato costume that rolls around. Oh, that's funny. Oh, that's sweet potato. And I majored in communications. You know, you're a very good communicator. Why, thank you. What?

So yeah, everyone made their saving throw successfully, as did the mummy. So you all, I assume, take the opportunity to swim directly to shore, which is not honestly too far away from where you are. The mummy's just dry bones. What happens if she gets wet?

She like fall apart? It's like toilet paper getting wet. Yeah. Oh no, she'll dry out. What do you think happens to a mummy when they get wet? Probably not good things. I feel like if you poured some water on King Tut, he wouldn't look so good. The whole process of mummification is drying out the body. Right. How is Elga swimming through all this? Open mouth. That's what I was wondering. Just like a Jaws shark coming in for the kill.

I mean, this isn't, it's just blood, right? Is it human blood? Is it any type of blood? You're the connoisseur. You tell us. I'm sensing some humanness.

Is it actually blood? So are you actually drinking some of it then, Elga? Yeah, absolutely. What's your constitution? Uh-oh. My constitution is 16. Hmm, that's pretty good. A hearty little vampire. So you open up your mouth and, you know, take a gulp or two of the, in air quotes, water. But yeah, it does seem to be blood. You're not sure specifically what kind of blood, but it is definitely blood. Do I have any, like, empty vials with me that I could... I don't know. What's in your inventory? Do you have a flask? Uh,

I believe I do. You could, you don't, well, I'm not gonna tell you what to do, but you might have a flask. As Mateed looks down to you guys arriving to the shore, one of the party looks like a blueberry just blown up in huge size. I don't think I do actually have a flask. I feel like we had potions that we've emptied out. Yeah, we never keep track of keeping those bottles. True, but we don't, we recycle. True.

Stample you in your sleep. They're going to have a chip on their shoulder real soon. I don't sleep. I'm a ghost. Come at me. Everyone reaches the shore and the mummy looks up and down the canal. I don't understand. First, deceased amphibians. Then, fire from the sky. And now, water turned to blood. It's as if a curse has fallen upon me. Ah!

You see a throng of locals running down the street toward you. You overhear some people on the street. I can't believe I just drank blood. I know, we gotta get out of the city. I know, I can't believe

I can't believe we drank blood! I hear Glurb is nice this time of year. The crowd of people brush past you all. In fact, one person bumps into Chip and they knock you over, but they just keep going and quickly round a nearby corner, disappearing from view. Well, excuse me. Golly. Did any of us see who that was? No, it was just very quickly in the throng of people. I check myself to see if anything got stolen. Yeah, make a perception check, I guess. All right. Or like play stuff. What's the counter to a sleight of hand check?

Perception. Okay, learn something today. 13. No, you, I mean all your weapons, everything that's important to you, checked out. No, the only thing that's important is I checked that the photo of my wife, Carol, is still intact. It is intact. Oh, thank goodness. Oh, it looks rose-tinted. Oh no, Carol! The mummy reaches out to lift you back up. Please, excuse my people. They are normally more hospitable than this.

Yes.

Cleaned up from all this gross blood. Yucky. Go ahead and everyone roll a perception check. I rolled an 18. 18. That's a nice roll. 23. I don't know what I rolled. Matide a four. Thank you. I rolled a nat 20, but minus one. We'll start with Matide. You choke on something and panic as you start coughing up blood. I flew. But then you remember it.

It's not yours. Oh, you flew. You panic. Try again. Try again. You panic as you see many people on the street coughing up blood. Okay. But you calm down. And then you start coughing on bugs that you coughed when you flew up in the air. Mouth open. Yep. Ah, and then bugs. That's perfect. Hey, Blaine, high five. Hey, D&D is collaborative storytelling. High five, you sissy boy.

Dylan. What happened is with the two of the most sad high fives ever. We laced fingers on that last one. Elga and Chip, you look around and see this part of Carcassouk is built amongst channels and canals that weave between buildings and bridges. But every waterway appears to be filled with blood and three buildings stand out amongst the rest. Two have gold domed roofs and a third is a large establishment built into a rocky hillside to the north. Bill.

Barney, every now and then you think you see a pair of eyes staring at you from the canal, but it's probably just the sun reflecting off the liquid. Oh. Or is it? It's going sun crazy. Elga looks around and goes, I think someone's been reading my diary. It's like someone sees your dreams. Yeah. So you're like on the, you know, where this canal is and this channel, it's like on the southern end of this district of the city. This district kind of

sprawls out to the north from here. And that rocky hillside I mentioned is like on the far north end of this district. Hey there, mummy. What's that? The gold donned buildings. What are those? Those are various businesses here in the district.

I don't remember specifically what their wares are though. And the canal. Is this just a... What's the purpose of the canal? It helps with shipping goods and moving quickly around the city. Are there typically creatures in it? All kinds of fish and wildlife. I just feel like someone's looking at us. With all this here blood in the canal, would you call this an eerie canal?

Can I kick Chip into the canal? You absolutely can. I kick Chip into the canal. Like a Spartan 300. I don't resist. I don't resist. I knew this would day was come. It's just Chip open arms going, yeah, I call. I deserve it.

Elga jumps in to save Chibs. Any opportunity. Elga's going to end up being real, like, loaded up, like, logged down with all this liquid. When you drink so much water and you move and you can hear it slush in your stomach. Yeah, you can have a distended belly. These buildings that have the gold domes, did they have anything, like, discerning about their markings, like, that showed what kind of a shop they were, if maybe something? Or the signage? Or a barker outside of it going, hey, come here and clean yourself. Yeah.

One of them's relatively close to you. The other gold dome building is a little further away, more in the center of the district. Matit approaches that building. Okay. I assume you're just looking at it from the outside. Yeah. It's a fairly nondescript building that looks largely like a lot of the other buildings around it, with the exception that it has a gold domed ceiling on top of it.

Is there a door? Yeah, of course. Is it open? There's no door per se. It's more like beads. Okay. Oh, cool. I walk in. I conga line in past with Mateed. Cha-cha-cha-cha-cha. Why are you conga-ing? Because conga is like re...

What is that called? Conga Line? Yeah, but for a reason. I'm just excited having a great time with my friends. Can you do a two-person conga line? Yeah, you got to start somewhere. Got to have a third. It's the most awkward conga line ever. Fourth. Two points is the minimum you need for a line. I'm adjusting my glasses. So yeah, you enter and it's a small circular room, probably, if you had to estimate, 40 feet or so in diameter with the gold domed ceiling. The center is a marble fountain that you think usually greets customers with the soothing sounds of trickling water.

There's mirrors and shelves of mineral-based wellness products all around. Is this water water or is it blood? Currently, there is blood spewing from the fountain right now. So would you say it's less of a trick than more like a blurb-a-gurble? Oh, a blurb-a-gurble! Yeah, if you were to stick your head in it, you would definitely have a blurb-a-gurble day. Okay, and is there anybody... Circular room, fountain in the middle, people? There's a few chairs here set up in the room. One second, let me roll something. You know, if you guys just wanted to leave me here...

I'd be okay with it. She's just in the fountain. Are you okay? Are you okay? The place just seems so nice and peaceful and has everything Elga needs. There are a few chairs as well, and you look around and you notice there's four people in this room who appear to be currently stuck in their seats or pinned up against the wall. What? Pinned in place by globs of blood. Do you need help?

there? Are you inside too? Yeah. Oh yeah. Konga lined in. Did you not recall? Oh right. Yeah. You're Konga lined in. Wait. They're like being like gelatinously pinned. Yeah. It's really thick viscous blood. Like if someone came in here and was like doing a splatter you know what's that called when you go in for like

When it's like a splatter. Oh, like a splatter test or something. What is that called? The Dexter thing. There's a term for that. Anyways, if I went there, what did it look like? It all came from the fountain. Yes. As Chip asks, do you all need help there? A glob of blood fires off in Chip's direction. Chip, make a dexterity saving throw. Oh, shucks. Mr. President.

I just got it. Delayed reaction. 20. 16 plus 4. Oh, yeah. You see it coming in. You probably incorporate it into your conga dance and you duck and dodge out of the way of the viscous blood. I actually want to use my tail to connect to the back of my head and make a hoop that it goes through and I say, two points! Both the two of you, Chip and Mateed, make perception checks. That's... I miss being mud. 17. What?

I got rolled a seven. I remember when we did perception checks, I was like 24, 28. I'm just like seven. Mati has no use for the rest of the world. Chip, you notice that there is someone behind the counter who seems to be trying to wave you over. Oh, okay. I cha-cha over real smooth. I follow the...

the cha-chaing man who's followed me in here. It's a dancing man. What do you think they're doing in there, Barney? I don't know. Looking for snacks. Oh, snacks. Did you all swap places in the conga line? We come in here. Yes, but I am not conging. Okay. At least Elga wants to come in. Yeah, Barney follows. Yeah, you see the scene that I described where there's blood spewing out of this fountain. People seem to be pinned to the walls and chairs. Oh, my God. You see... The horror. The horror.

Chippa Mateed making their way to a counter with someone crouched hiding behind it. Are you still Kongo-ing? No, I'm Cha-Cha-ing. Cha-Cha real smooth. I slid to the left. Slid to the right. Criss-cross. And then I go up to him and I say, Everybody clap your hands! What's going on? I'm Chipainy. Hi, I'm Emix. Can you help me? I don't know what happened. I found...

My fountain went haywire and it's pinned all my customers. Can you help free them? Why are you whispering? Elga, make a dexterity saving throw. Oh. With advantage because I could see it, right? Yes. First one's a 12. Second one is a 10. 12's good enough. As you ask why Amex is...

whispering, a glob of blood launches at you, but you, with your danger sense, you sense it coming and deftly step out of the way just in time. This is the first time I've avoided blood in my whole life. Intentionally. Since it's like congealed, it's like pudding to Elga. Yeah. Oh, yuck.

Does anybody have like a, oh, oh, oh, oh, remember that there ice knife you got? I ducked down behind the desk, by the way. My Fang Frost? Yeah. Why don't you like stab the blood and then make it freeze? Chip, make a dexterity saving throw. I know if I don't say it, you're going to do stuff like that. He's saying it in the voice. I know my DM. Nine. As you're suggesting Frost Fang to Elga, a glob of blood catches you from the blind side and pins you up against the counter. Nine.

Is my mouth closed? Uh, no. Oh, good. Uh-oh. Gross. Can I try to use my Fang Frost on that glob that just trapped Chip? Does the Fang Frost have, like, a freezing effect? You could just throw out the whole fountain itself? I...

No. That's what I was kind of thinking. I'll test it on this first, maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And see what happens. You want to, like, cut him out from the blood? Yeah. Okay. You're fairly careful. You're adept with daggers, and you're able to, you know, cut away some of the viscous blood and free chip. Does the fang have any effect on...

the blood does it seem? No, just cutting it? No, it doesn't seem to have any effect. If anything maybe I would say as you're cutting it, it solidifies a little bit but not to the point where it's you know ice or anything. It's just a little more a little thicker. So we probably need to make this fountain stop spewing, huh? Yeah. Does it is it coming from like all angles of the fountain? Is there like one point it seems to be coming out of? Yeah, there is like a central point where all the liquid comes out on the fountain and that's the origin of everything. This fountain is

This is where the Big Bang happened? The origin of everything? Mm-hmm. Wow. The MX guy, can you remind me what he whispered again? MX asked for help getting their customers freed and out of harm's way. Yeah, Matisse is still sitting behind the desk. Are you behind there with MX? Yeah. Hey, how are you? My name's MX. Bonjour. My name is Matisse.

Good to meet you. What sort of establishment is this when it is not being assaulted by blood? Oh, this is a mineral salon. A mineral salon? Oh, what sort of minerals do you procure? We have various cosmetics and treatments for people to help make them feel better. Oh, do you get a lot of business in this area? Yeah, it's pretty good. Maybe that's why I should

Listeners I fully like snitched on Hit her with the blood

Everyone come, maybe? You could also intentionally fail the save if you wanted to, just throwing that out there. Nah. Okay. Well, you rolled a 15, so the blood fires at you, and you managed to definitely dodge out of the way. Why don't you go up there and freeze it with your sticky? We just tried that, Mario. It didn't work. Well, did you cast the cold on it? It does that automatically when you use it. It does the cold damage. No, no, no. Well, I don't know this, so I can't say. Should we go up there and try and fight it?

Sorry, there's an element of this thing where you could use freezing ferocity while holding it. So maybe I'll try that. Is that what you meant? Yeah, yeah. Okay. But you don't know that. Yeah, I don't know that. My great idea. Make another dexterity saving throw, Elga. Oh, come on. Oh.

You have advantage and you still got a five. Maybe you're overconfident by how easy it was to dodge the blood before, but as you address Barney, a glob of the blood hits you from behind and also pins you up against the wall. MX, this is my cat, Jacques. He's a very, very nice kitty. Would you like to say hello to Jacques? No, no, I'm okay. The cat's weirded me out a little bit. Oh, why is that? The whole undead connection with cats. Oh.

Oh, thank you for the reminder. They're not very calm to see around Carcassook. Make a dexterity check, but no advantage. Like just a normal dexterity check. Eleven. You're already restrained, so it can't restrain you anymore. The blood hits near you, but does not do anything further. Goodbye.

Is Barney trying to, like, cut her free or pull her free? How do you want to do that? I guess. Just like, just give me your hands. I'll give it a pull. Are my hands free? No. What about my feet? Sure. Okay, grab my ankle. She looks like a blood cocoon. You slide me out of this blood goop and I keep my mouth open just in case for breathing. Okay. Not swallowing. Definitely not eating. It's a normal sentence a human says. Yes.

Okay. Make a strength check, Barney. I'm envisioning that you look like our friend Jeremy when they duct tape him to the wall. Ten? You give a mighty pull, but Elga does not seem to budge. You might have to stay here.

Uh-oh. MX. MX. Hey. Yeah, I'm MX. What's your name? Hey, there's me. It's Japani. I already introduced you, but it's okay. Did we? Mm-hmm. Pretty sure that's like the first thing I do whenever I meet someone. Oh, sorry. The cat's weirding me out. It's okay. Jack is nice. He's very nice. Mew, mew. I'll take your word for it. Mew, mew. Mew, mew. Is there like a power source to that there fountain? Some sort of...

Pneumatic system. Pneumatic? Did you go to Hanford? Yeah, go fight against.

No, it's just pressure from the water that pushes it out. Normally it's water, not blood. Yeah, you gotta think of very rudimentary technology. Yeah. Kind of just figure out the source of the blood. If you could just free the customers, that would be helpful. I would be willing to reward you. What dissolves blood? Elga, you seem to be an expert. For some odd reason. I can't hear you from over here. Elga's up against the pin. Yeah. Blood. What about it? What dissolves blood?

Well, usually I do. There's four people pinned. Salt. He uses a mineral store and puts salt on it. Put salt on the wound. It's not ice. That's what you do to its blood. I don't know. Go try something. Hey, I'm stuck against the wall. Oh, you're stuck against the wall as well? Maybe try freeing me so I could use my freezing power. Have you tried a strength check against it? I want to try a strength check against this blood.

Oh, yeah. Are we allowed to try to wiggle ourselves out? Yeah, sure. Why not? Isn't there a condition that would describe what they are? Are they... Restrained. Restrained. Okay. Can I help Elga while she wiggles? Yeah. If you help Elga, then I say, Elga, you can make that check with advantage. Mateed. Mateed. Mateed sighs. Bernie's helping Elga. Help me. Mateed just sighs and does that like, okay, and gets up.

and very just like slowly walks towards you. You never purposefully get this close to me.

This is nice, is it not? Is the consistency of what is pinning him to the wall something that Mateev would think that slashing it might help? Is it that thick? Yeah. Okay, then I'd like to do a talent strike on it. Also, I rolled a 16. Oh, okay, yeah. You're able to wiggle your way free from it. You're not sure if it's your own brute strength or Barney helping you out, but you're able to free yourself and you're mobile once again. We did it! We make a dexterity saving throw. Seven.

Yeah, now a glob flies out and pins him to the wall right next to where Elga was a moment before. Such a funny visual. You're free. What would you like me to do for a... Do you want me to do an unarmed strike? Yeah, exactly. I'll do strength. And yeah, you make a strength check.

I don't know what you'd be so good at. Zeti's at 20. Yeah, you're pinned really tightly, Chip, but Matide is able to slash and weaken the blood that's holding you up against the wall, and you're able to burst free. Can it be like you weakly couldn't do it, but I slash it, just palm your head and pull you out from the wall? With your talons? Yeah, yeah, yeah. One foot slashes the other, and it just grabs the little man. Still holding him in the air. Yeah.

I go back to behind the desk. Okay. Could I go try to save Barney? Yeah. Could I try stabbing that little blood thing and using the freezing ferocity on it? You're trying to stab the blood that's pinning him to the wall? Mm-hmm. You can absolutely do that. I will say... Is that only one use? It's one until long rest. So it might be a better thing to use. You can just mimic what I just did, basically. Yeah, never mind. Sorry, I didn't see the once per long rest. Also, just so you know, that effect...

isn't just on one thing. It's a 60-foot cone. Gotcha. So it would affect a lot. This doesn't say 60 feet on that, but that's good to know. Yeah, because you're casting Cone of Cold. Then you have to look up Cone of Cold, and then that's where the information on that is. Okay, I would like to just pull...

Pull Barney out. Okay. Both of you make strength checks then. 22. 17. Oh, yeah. I mean, Barney, you pop out so easily. Elga, you like rip him off the wall. Barney like leaps forward free from all of that. Now we stay very quiet because for some reason I think the blood can hear us. I can make a distraction. I wanted to revise what I said. I don't go back to behind the desk. I forgot. We just need to get to this objective. So I... Mateed...

same like energy just slowly plods to the next to like the people i'll go to a person as well and it tries the same thing can i do thaumaturgy against like a back wall just to distract it where i make noise it's not bad yeah yeah you could try that and i'll make i'll go and it's a place that no one is i assume yeah yeah so i'd like just do like a back wall making noises okay yeah that's

That's a really good idea. So while you do that, at the same time, Mateed and Chip are going to try to pull people off the wall? Oh, yeah. The fountain that's in, I assume, the middle of the room? Yeah. Is there a way to put a 60-foot cone on it without it...

affecting anyone else or is this room too small? Is there any directions that doesn't hit anybody? The room is a 40 foot diameter. There's four people. We'll say they're all up against the same wall. So yeah, if you turn it to the opposite wall, you could do that. Okay, I'm going to do that. Okay, so two people are being pulled off the wall. Thaumaturgy is distracting the fountain and Konakola is going off all at the same time. A coordinated triple threat.

The two Chip and Mateed make strength checks. Oh, I thought I was doing an arm strike. Oh, that's what you're doing? Yeah, yeah. Sorry, I thought you were pulling. Okay, yeah. Approach the person and say, Hi there, Chipainy. I'm here to help you out of this here thing of blood. I'm just going to take your hand, give you a little yoink, and 13. All right.

The two of you manage to peel people off of the wall. I guess, Chip, you peel a person off the wall. Mateed, you slash and allow that person to fall free. Right as Barney casts his Thaumaturgy and a glob of blood flies in the unoccupied space, distracting the fountain, and Elga unleashes a cone of cold onto the

Go ahead and roll the damage for that. It's like a cone of cold air shoots out from the dagger in a huge cone that envelops the entire fountain and the entire side of the business. So go ahead and roll your cold damage for that. Would it be from the Fang Frost? So the damage is like 1d4 plus 4? You're proccing the... Spell? Yeah, the spell, the Cone of Cold. What's the spell's damage? So that's 8d8. 8d8.

Whoa! I shield my person. 34. Dang. The fountain very quickly ices over and no longer is burbling or gurbling. Oh, no. Burble, garble. Seeing that the fountain is frozen over, MX peeks their head up from behind the counter and says, Is it safe? Check! Test! Oh!

My ear. Nothing seems to happen. Okay, yeah, it's good. Emix comes out and says, thank you so much. Could you possibly free my other two customers? Sure. I'll go help the other guy. Can I help as well? Maybe you'll have to- You don't have to make a check or anything. The two of you are able to get to freedom just fine. I pulled my guy out by the right hand, and then he pulled him into a handshake, and I say, Chip Haney, pleasure to meet you.

Here, you all deserve some kind of reward. Take these. Here, here, no charge. On the house. What are they? There are two items in Emix's hand, one of which appears to be a soap, and the other is some kind of charcoal-colored powder. This is a concealer of unsightliness, and this is a soap of solace. What does a soap of solace do? The soap of solace refreshes and rejuvenates you and cures any exhaustion, diseases, or poisons you're feeling.

So basically, yeah, someone gets poisoned, diseased, or exhausted? Yeah. Charcoal powder. Concealer of unsightliness. Charcoal is unsightly. No. Just one. Get your start and get to the end.

Pneumatic. Concealer of unsightliness? Yeah. Is that makeup? It's a charcoal colored powder, like I said, but it kind of shimmers with some other dust in it. When you apply this to your face, it makes you invisible. Oh my goodness. All right, who wants what? And it's just one of each? Yes. I wouldn't mind the salve because my knees hurt in the morning. Only if you remember what it's called. I don't remember what it's called.

Soap of Solace. Yes. Make sure you put that into your notes section in D&D Beyond. That way you have it and you can remember. And they're like one-use items, just FYI. Who's got a not good stealth? I think I'm going to pass on this here, Charcoal. I only have a plus one to stealth. Okay. They're actual items you can add to your inventory, by the way. Sorry, I have plus five. Okay. I put it in my hand and... You know, maybe I take this.

the concealer of unsightliness? Oh, yeah. I think you look like a nice young woman. Not for long. First time Elga uses it, puts a little domino mask on and just goes, bet! But you just don't see her eyes, though, because it's... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So these are actual items you said? Yeah. So they're like probably... Other than Mateed, our party is quite dirty still. Probably. Because it just got all congealed up. Okay, well, I'm getting out of here. Thank you all for your help in freeing my customers. But before you go, I...

I just want to be friendly and, you know, a good customer servant. So I'm going to introduce myself to all four of your customers. And I want to hear their names and their specific. They're already gone. They left immediately as soon as you cut them down. I just see on the corner of my eye, Micah furiously writing. Yeah. Pulling up Twitter names. To do four different voices. Yeah. No, no, no.

Thanks, bye. And with that, Emix leaves and runs out the door. Matit follows. Okay. Yeah, let's go to that other, their gold-domed building. Could I just look around and see if there's anything else in this building? Like in this room? Like on any shelves? Just steal while the owner has left. Nobody's here. Maybe there's more soap of solace or anything else. That was all he had left. It seems like this shop has been turned over and wrecked.

probably a combination of panicked people and the fountain there doesn't seem to be really anything of value left in here what about like i know it's not a value but what about a like a like a salt lamp like a large piece of salt have we entered the looting portion of uh i got plenty of money i was gonna leave it on the register i just wanted to get a nice little uh gift from my wife carol and you

I want to collect things from every place so that way I can show her all the adventures. Sure. Yeah, there's a magnet like a normal person. There's a salt lamp or shot glass on my cell phone. Yeah, there's a shot glass, a salt lamp. Sure. A salt lamp. All right. I give him how much does this value that?

Matin has gone to the other building. Two silver. All right. There you go, MX. I wanted you to be like 400 gold. See how much Blaine was committed to this bit.

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How far away is the other building? It's kind of in the middle of the district. You can see it easily. There's a straight path. Well, a mostly straight path that leads you there. While we go out, can I also check the... Could Barney check the... What would you call it? The water thing? The fountain? No, the... Canal. Canal. Canal.

Because I noticed some eyes. Yeah, make a perception check. It takes a few times of you saying some of the words these places for me to get the pun that Micah was going for. But the carry-on canal. Yeah. I see you, Micah. What's the carry-on? Carry-on is a term for death. Oh. 21. You look into the canal and you only see your face somewhat reflecting back in the blood.

Oh! I don't like that. An undead creature! There's an old man in the way in the blood! Save him! You say there's someone trapped in the blood? Do they need it? That would never be getting cleaned. The years go by so fast. Yeah, we're probably all bloody, right? Yeah, you guys are all still pretty bloody. Maybe that other building will have like baths. The gold dome building.

the one that you can see in the distance your friend Mateed is walking towards. Yes. Yeah, I better hurry. Okay, we follow. Yeah. You approach it, and this building seems bigger than the previous one that you were just in, like significantly bigger. You're just looking at it from the outside, right? Yeah, is there anything like, is the same like,

bead door. This one actually has a door unlike the previous building. This one's actually a little bigger. This one's like a significantly bigger. It seems almost like this is a focal point like in the center part of the district. Like a government building or a religious center. It's a main main building. Yeah, like it definitely stands out a bit. We're at the mall. That's where we're at. We're at the mall. Yeah, you're at Spencer's. And there's a sign above the door that says Debbie's Drafts.

Drafts? Like a pub. No wonder it's the biggest building in town. That's the focal point of towns like this. Drafts could be something else. Yeah, we're at the army. I go try the door. Or like a lot of wind. It's just fans. Come get your wind. Those like really cool ones you flick out.

It looks a little cold in there. I try the door. Yeah, door's open. I go in. I go in. I go in. I guess I'm cool. You walk in and it's a large circular room. This one's probably about 80 feet in diameter with a gold dome ceiling. The center is a four-sided island bar top with what appears to be a humanoid person passed out in the middle. Flowing around the bar is an indoor river streaming clockwise around the room carrying floating tables and benches. That's a cool design. In a current of

Oh, normally a cool gimmick. Can I hurdle the little river to go to the barkeep? Yeah, just for fun, for giggles, because we're playing a game. Make a dexterity check. This is a game? Because Barney goes well. 16. Yeah, make a dexterity check as well. Chip, you very easily and deftly hop over the river. Oh, here we go. Four.

Face first. There it is. It just loaded for me. Four. Barney, maybe you're focused on Chip too much, but you, yeah, you go face first into the stream. Gotta try to catch him or grab his hand before he floats off too quick. Make a dexterity check.

10. Bye, Barney! Yeah, Barney's caught in the current and floating now clockwise around the room. It's a lazy river. Strong current or lazy current? It's pretty lazy. You're fine. Enjoy your time, old man. Take a little retirement. Can I try to swim to the nearest thing? Maybe a chair? Yeah, make a strength check. While Barney is floating down the Mississippi, can Matee take a look around the room and see if there's anybody other than that single person in the center? Sure.

Let me resolve this real fast. No, Barney, you can't. You rolled a six. Even this weak, lazy current is too much for you. Can anybody see where Barney went? Mateed, you look around the room and you notice that there are three groups of customers who appear to be frightened and hiding. Not on the river. They're on the outside perimeter of it? Correct. Okay.

Can I, like, you know... You've hopped the river. What are you doing? Atreides battle talk language with, uh, Mateed to see if, like, are they afraid of this here, fella? Why would you, like, make weird signs to Mateed? Because, like...

I guess I wouldn't know that you would hate the first people. I don't know. I guess what I'm worried about is, like, I'm afraid that they're afraid of the barkeep that I'm about to waken up, and then he's going to be like, I'm a demon. Then maybe you can mouth something to them. Okay. Why me?

You're flying. I'm not flying. I'm in the room. I did fly. What are you guys talking about over there? I'm gonna wake up this here guy. Shut up, Barney.

I'm gonna go up to the barkeep. I'm gonna tap him on the head with my tail and give him a couple of little- Just FYI, her. I did not, um, clarify that. Sorry, every time I go into a bar and I hear that there's a barkeep, I imagine the guy from A New Hope. The one that Luke Skywalker tugs his shirt. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I picked your Gus. They're fine. I ain't welcoming you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I give him a couple of pitter-patters on the face. Her.

I give... Did I say them or her? You said him. Okay. I give her... Actually, I... A little bit gentler. I poke them on the shoulder. Her. I said them! I poke her on the shoulder with my tail. First try. Nailed it. Yeah, you do that. And as you're tapping her...

on the shoulder. - What was the lookness? - Sorry, guess. The lookness. - You notice that there's a little devil-like creature prancing around near her feet behind the bar. - A little imp? It's like you got horns. It's like a little you. - Hey, hey, you. Hey, I'm like you. What's your name? I'm Chip Haney.

That's how I approach cats. We just a couple little demon guys hanging out? I want this thing to like just jump on you and start biting. It's gonna digivolve into a giant. It goes...

It jumps at you. It does. I knew it was going to. I'm trying to bludgeon you. Hitting AC. Is it like a raccoon size just going at his face? It rolled a one. It misses. Can I catch it? It falls into the river. It jumps at your face, claws extended, but misses you entirely, misjudging the jump. But it rolled a one, so can I catch this thing? I mean, it failed. Sure. Okay. And I hold it out at arm's length like it's a baby. You catch it, but it's made of blood.

So it like drips all right through your hands. Okay. Well, that's fine. It's not a solid being. Correct. Like a little grimer. I don't know what a grimer is. It's a Pokemon. Okay. Okay.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. You do, yeah. All right, well, I'm just going to just slash at this thing with the Kopesh of the Desert Tempest, which has a lightning damage. It has slipped through your hands and you're attacking it on the floor. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm going to roll that. That's an AC 16. That hits. All right. And then I do seven, I think, bludgeoning plus 1d4 lightning. Lightning. That'd be...

Ka-chow. A four. It's blood genie? It's not slashing damage? I'm sorry. It might have been slashing. That's good because it was probably immune to blood genie. Yeah, type slashing. Yes. Nice. Thank you, guys. Yeah, you slash at it and the weapon, you know, unleashes lightning and the little devil-looking creature explodes into droplets of blood everywhere. Okay. Is that it or does it do like a T-1000 and it reforms?

into a beast even powerful than the last. Well, so it explodes into a burst of sticky blood. So go ahead and make a dexterity saving throw. Okay, 23. Okay, yeah. Like a ball of viscous blood, not unlike the blood you saw at the fountain, flies in your direction and you sidestep it and it harmlessly falls into the canal. Was that the end of it then? I don't know. Okay, well, hey, JNR team! Ah!

I met a guy. I met a little guy. He's a demon, and he's made of blood. I slashed him with the lightning, and he go kablooey. I walk over to the closest patron who's cowering. And I would like to save Barney. The patrons are no longer cowering. They all saw the little demon explode. They say, oh, thank you. Thank you so much. We were terrified of that thing. Oh, I did nothing to help you. I was just wondering. You and your friends.

You're so kind. Hi there. Titles like that I do not prefer. What happened to Zabar Keep in the middle? Were they attacked by that little creature? Is that why they are unconscious? Oh, I think she just drank too much.

That seems like not a good thing to be with your bartender. Uh, anyway, we have to go. We don't want to give you our name or backstory. Mati doesn't ask or stop them from going. Hi, I'm Chip Haney! Actually, no, Mati shoos them away faster. Where are they off to?

I want to wake up the barkeep, but I think we need to resolve Barney. Yeah. Elgar said she was saving him. Save Barney, yeah. How do you want to do that? Do you want to jump in? Do you want to try to pull him out? What's your plan? I'll try to pull him out. You hop over to where the area next to the river where Barney's lazily floating by. And you reach down to try to grab him. Go ahead and make a strength check. Bye.

Barney will get you out of here no problem. 14. You're able to pull him up, no problem. You pull him like up to the point where he's like standing. You pull him like so high and so hard that he's standing on the ground next to you. Do I need to give him sedation? No, no, I'm okay. Everyone be careful. The river is pulling you in. I imagine, you know when a kid goes into the pool and he comes back out and there's all that water pool in his pants? Yeah. That's just Barney. And you have to like squeeze it. Yeah, it just goes...

None of us have ever

That's what I'm trying to point out. The whole bar is a really cool concept. You know, now that you're taking your time and really looking around, it's not just the blood that's flowing around in the river. There's actually, like, flow...

floating tables and benches that also are in this current floating around. Could it all be just like decoratively themed and there's animatronics of like desert animals and... No animatronics. No? Okay. Does it seem like they were like they fell into the water and are spinning around or like that's how people enjoy their time at the bar? Like there's a pre-existing structure. Yeah. It seems like that's as it's intended. As it's intended.

You know I bet that this here water isn't much dirtier than it was when the blood hit because I bet this is just filled with liquor and pee I did no such thing. No, it wasn't I wasn't saying nothing in Barney's defense a lot of his urine is blood these days Uncommon you didn't need to do that joke No, just I mean like I said these cables and benches in the current as well as I mean It's a bar fully stocked bar

Ernie, when you were in the Blood River, what was your nationality? Was it European?

Mateed has walked out of that room because pubs aren't my place and don't seem to give interest here. But not saying you have to. That's just Mateed in character. Personally, I just want to live in this space because it took a lot of effort to write it. And it's a very cool concept. By all means. I'm just so sad that we got to burn it in five minutes. And then that's it. That's it. We should invest. You guys already checked on the bartender. I was going to check on the bartender. Since you love this place so much, you surely remember the name of it.

Check on the bartender. Check on the bartender. Is the bartender's name Debbie? I don't know. Maybe y'all should ask her when she wakes up. You poke at her. I gently, oh, hey there. Hey, sorry to disturb your rest. It's me. It's Chipaney. She begins stirring. She's wearing an ombre wig and she starts, you know, parting it in front of her face. She looks up at you and says, uh, Chip?

Yeah, hi, I'm Devi. Hey there Devi, uh, you got a demon? Where is it? Oh, it's dead. I killed it. Thank goodness. Thank goodness, yeah. It was holding your host- your friend- your, uh, people hostage, so I, you know, they're gone. Just making sure you're okay before we move on. Thank you so much. Can I get you guys something on the house? I can't say no to a drink. Do you have a milk?

You got a milk? Do you want the warm, the warm? How about some of our special drinks? I could get you a ginny and tonic or a footloose and fancy a frady. You fradies. If you give me a footloose and fancy frady with a little umbrella...

Follow us in fancy phrase. Francie was in there. That just about make my day. You got it. She begins pouring copious amounts of liquor into her mouth and then begins making you a drink. What kind of creature is she? You know, she's a carcasucan, so it's hard to tell. She is covered up in scarves. Okay. And you said she had a wig on. Yeah, an ombre wig that's like peeking out. I love your hair. Could I ask like...

Why? That's it. Just why. Well, because I like it too. Okay. You know, you do

Almost supportive. She pushes forward a drink and says, Here you go. Felicia and Fancy Freedy. What's the damage? What do I owe you? Oh, no. On the house for helping out my establishment. Ah, here's two silver for a tip. Here you go. Oh, thank you. Is tipping a custom in this town, in this place? Sure. I feel like Chip would no matter what. The drink is...

Sweet yet spicy, very citrusy. It's garnished with an orange slice and a sprig of basil. Drinking this beverage, you can regain one of the following now. A spell slot, a key point, a charge for a magic item, or some kind of special feature or character ability that you may have expended. You burned anything you want to turn back on? I don't... The Kopesh? Am I allowed to drink this? I am definitely old enough.

If you can order it, you can drink it. Well, it's on the house, so yes, I can order it. What are you ordering? Can I have the same thing that you're doing? Yeah, you gotta turn your ice thing back on. I would like that to be back on, yes. Good call. I need to use Hellish Rebuke. If you don't have any milk, can I have one? Same thing? Footloose and Fancy Afriti? I suppose so. She begins shaking together two more Footloose and Fancy Afritis and shoves them in front of both of you. Here you go.

Thank you very much. Could Elga like wring out some of the blood from her shirt into the glass? Gross. Are you trying to do it discreetly or? Yeah. I want to get another one and I want to do a toast. Another one? Yeah, can I have another one and do a toast? Yeah, but the effects don't stack. That's fine. I symbolically want one so I can do a toast with my friends. You're not getting one? Mateed has walked out.

Here you go. Okay. Tumateed. Tumateed. Tumateed. Debbie picks up a bottle and... She has no idea who Mateed is. Yeah, but she... It's an excuse to drink. Is she actually drunk, though? Can we do, like, a medicine show? He said she poured copious alcohol in her mouth as she was doing this. All right.

Hey, uh, thanks for the drinks, Bevy. Hope you're okay. Bevy! Go get some not-bloody water. I'll get right on that. I restored my, uh, cone of cold. Sure. I followed my teed. I got a spell slot. Bye-bye! Yeah, y'all have a good one! Thank you for the drafts. We never found out what the other drink did.

And no one will. It's a shame. It's a really nice establishment. It turns out Micah was up all night trying to figure out what that last one could do. It spins. It spins. He was writing wrong. I need to figure out what the second drink is. Just out of curiosity, why did you all pick the Felucent Fancy Afridia? Why did no one pick the Ginny and Tonic? I don't think they remembered the Ginny and Tonic. I only picked that one because I heard what the effects were on shit. Oh, yeah. I just like the name and I don't like gin and tonics. I'll say it. I don't like, like, hard...

I like slurping on candy things with fruits and umbrellas. What the... Can we know what the Jenny and Tonic did? Tiki mug. It would have granted you a luck point. Ooh, that's cool. Son of a gun. I know. Blaine misses having luck. That's okay. I needed spell slots. Yeah. Is the third establishment close? The third establishment is... Yeah, it's like at the northern end of the district and it's kind of built into the face of the hill. Nice. I approach it.

What do I see? Everyone else approaches as well, I assume. Oh yeah, I catch up because Matide is hustling. This is a large stone building built into the face of a hill with wooden frames and palm leaf roofs. There's a sign outside that reads, "Wellsprings of Kahurigan." Is it a door? Yes. Okay. When is a door not a door? When it's a jar. I open the jar. You open it up and it looks like it leads into a lobby of sorts. And like a little front desk. Okay.

I walk in? I follow. I'll follow. I do as well. There's like a little front desk with a call bell and a pot of tea, and the room appears to be vacant. There's two open doorways, one to the east and one to the west. Can I see if the pot of tea is warm or cold? Yeah, you check it, and the pot of tea has gone cold. Is it clear that we're in like a hotel lobby is what we're at? Is there like slots for keys behind the desk? No, you don't see that, no. Okay. Okay.

But there's east and west places to go? Yes. Anything discerning about the different ones? I mean, different directions? They look pretty much the same from your point of view. I'm going to go approach the west entrance and see if I get a better view. Okay, I'll follow. Try ringing the bell. I'm afraid that we're going to trigger something if we ring the bell. I just want to get a lay of the land there first. But Barney, you're your own free spirit. You do what you want. Well, last time I almost drowned in a river. Sure did.

West door. No, no, I won't. All right, so the entire party goes up to the west door? Yes. And you open it and proceed through? I just want to look inside. So open the door, but not proceed in. Take a gander, yeah. Yeah, so it's not a door per se. It's more like a curtain. So you, you know, you peek through the curtain, and you can feel a wave of cool, damp air washing over you. There's a soft bed of grass ahead that expands out into an extensive stone cavern. This seems like a resort.

Like you go here and you pay to go soak in the pools. Oh, like a spa. Yeah. Like stepping stones laid on a grassy hill, you see a handful of well springs leading up to a roaring waterfall in the distance. Is there blood? It would all be idyllic if not for the gurgling of scarlet ichor filling each pool. Blurble, blurble. In the distance, you hear a silky voice calling out from the waterfall. I'll be right with you. That's weird.

Okay! Mateed passes through the curtain and walks down the stone steps. Okay. Mind you, as I pass the curtain, Jacques plays with it. Oh, okay. The grass is actually really soft. As you're walking down, a small silhouette appears behind the waterfall. Welcome, travelers, to the wellsprings of Kaharien. You must be exhausted from the sweltering heat. How about a refreshing dip in one of the pools? Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello,

- Aww, another satisfied customer. I do love that sound. - Out from the Crimson Waterfall emerges a horrendous horned creature made of swirling blood. Come now. Who would like to take a plunge with the emo goblin? - Now that's a Spider-Man character. - That's great.

Are we rolling for initiative? Before we do, is this Kentucky bluegrass? What you got here? This is great stuff. How do you mow in here? You must be the only person on earth who knows the different types of grass. Dude, the clippings, like how do you put them in a bag? How do they not get into the pool? You think that maybe this isn't the normal proprietor of this establishment? Oh, you're a faker. Okay. Can I do Vigilant Blessing on myself? It gives you the advantage on initiative. You can, and then yeah, everyone go and roll initiative. Ah, shoots. Oh, you...

I didn't mean that as an attack action. 13. 9. 19. 22. Ooh, the mummy got an 18. Hey, you remember the mummies here. Yeah, good for me. I always forget about the NPCs. Micah, didn't you have to remind me this time? Barney, you are up first. You know, before you see this really awful view with these springs filled with blood and the hemogoblin. Actually, make me a perception check, Barney, before you do anything else.

Ooh, 22. You feel like you get a glimpse of, like, a mustache inside the hemogoblin's body. Like, maybe there's something trapped inside of him. Oh. Oh.

Okay. How far away is it from me? What's like our... It's pretty far from where you are. It's at the end. Like there's various wellsprings along the way. There's probably like eight wellsprings between you and the Hema Goblin. And they're back at the end. It's a couple hundred feet maybe to close. Maybe not a couple hundred. Let's say 100, 150 feet. It's pretty far. Do you want to know something pretty interesting?

A hemoglobin is a protein in red blood cells that carries oxygen. Did you Google that right now? I spelled hemogoblin wrong. You have stumbled upon the origins of why Micah named it this. So you said that like 100? 100, 150 feet, something like that. And like, it's a mixture between idyllic and horrific. There's like soft grass, little pathways, springs that are

filled with blood, all, you know, and some trees all leading up to there. A little pagoda, maybe. It's hordillic. Okay. Hordillic. No making up words. Kyren. We're not allowed to make up words. Yeah. I want to cast Bless. Oh, bless your heart. And then cast Bless on my party.

Which does what? Up to three creatures of your choice within range. Whenever a target makes an attack roll or saving throw before the spell ends, the target can roll a d4 and add the number roll to attack roll or saving throw. So I'll do that, and then... Is that a bonus action or anything, or is that just a regular action? That's just a regular spell. Okay.

And then can I go as far close to this little demon thing as I can, which would be 40 feet? That was as far close. As far close. And I got increased walking because of that cane. Yeah, you begin closing that distance. You know, it's going to take you kind of by the first pool that's closest to you. Can I peek in? Yeah, as you do so, a bloody, demonic-looking creature, similar to the one from the bar that you saw earlier, jumps out. Oh, no. No!

and attacks you. Okay. Hitting a C8 with its bludgeoning blow. That does not hit. That does not hit. Little fella just got bad rolls. I want to use my bonus action to cast Spiritual Weapon. Ooh. I create a floating spectral weapon within range that lasts for the duration or until you cast a spell again, and when you cast a spell, you can make melee spell attack against a creature within five feet of the weapon. On a hit, the creature takes force damage equal to 1d8 plus your spell casting ability modifier.

I'm going to make the form of... I can see they're bloody. What's a good...

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Like a thing. What do doctors use? What do they use? There's a lot of things they use. There's a lot of things. A scalpel? A scalpel. A scalpel. He was making slashing motions, I had to infer. He was just moving his wrist. There was a lot of stuff. You know when you go see your doctor and he brings a bus out the scalpel every time. Yeah, just like chopping it at you. A scalpel for making precision cuts. Yeah. And it's a big scalpel, and I want it to like slash at this little creature attack.

Okay, go ahead and make your rolls. 26. That hits. And I did 12 damage. You slice this little devil in twain and it falls. But it explodes into a burst of sticky blood. Make a dexterity saving throw. Are we worried at all about hurting the person inside this goblin? Four. That's why I got a scalpel.

A gooey glob of blood flies out and hits you and pins you to the ground. You are now restrained until your next turn. Oh, no. That was good. Sorry. Oh, no.

Bonnie. It's split in twain, so what happens? It's dead. It perishes. Oh, that was like final death. Yeah. The explosion. The mummy says... Those look like mephits, but I have never seen one made of blood before. What are mephits? They're elemental creatures normally comprised of ice or fire.

seeing the maid of blood is very unusual did like the mustache fall the buffett is different from the human goblin oh yeah you saw the mustache in the hemo goblin at the other end this is a method that popped out of like a little spring yeah he's a little baby enemies this is what happens i thought it popped out of the hemo god i was trying to read how to use my sling of sandstorms i missed that so how many uh methods are there you don't see anymore okay okay they might

They might pop out of the pool. That makes a lot more sense because I was like, we already beat the demon problem? Well, Mateed, you're up about 30 feet, 30, 40 feet in front of you. You saw Barney get attacked by a mephit that popped out of that spring and Barney is now...

pinned to the ground by viscous blood. How much distance between Barney and the Hema Goblin? From there, maybe another 100 feet or so. Oh, okay, so far away. And so then between me and that, is there another Mifit? You don't see any, but there are two other pools. Ah.

There's a total of three between you and the Hema Goblin. What's the height of this room? It's a pretty tall room. This entire building, remember you walked into like the face of the cliff. So it's all, you presume this is all carved out inside of that cliff face. So this room is pretty cavernous. It's pretty tall. 80 to 100 feet or so. Okay. I'm going to go up, let's say like 30 feet via flight. And then I'm going to use my sling weapon.

of Don't Do the Song and use... Well, I actually have to say it. I'm going to use Sandstorm. And it says you can use an action to expend three charges to create a whirlwind of coarse sand in a 20-foot sphere. Oh, never mind. Centered on you. Okay. Then instead, I'm just going to use Ancient Sands and I'm going to do a long-range attack with the Sling of Sandstorms, which has a range of up to 120 feet. So it's 30 feet slash 120 feet.

30 feet is normal. Is it past 30? Right, it's that disadvantage. And then past 120 is that you can't do that at all. Correct. Okay, then can I instead go, let's say, oh, I can't get close. Oh, I could, I could, because I am a monk and I shall use Step of the Wind. So I'm going to go up, let's say 20 feet, and

and then go directly towards the Hema Goblin, which would give me a remaining of... What's my flight? My flight is like 60, so they give me another 40 that way, and then I can use my Step of the Wind as a bonus action and dash. So then you would get your movement again, which is another 60. Yeah, so I get... Which would close the distance. Close the distance, and now I can use Ancient Sands. But...

It doesn't quite work that way. So I'm going to do an attack roll and I have to say, I'm going to use three charges. Okay. On a successful attack, the damage is increased by 1d4 force damage for each charge you expend. So you make your attack, do your damage, and then do an extra 3d4 force damage on top of that. And I get plus two to my attack rolls, which does not do enough.

Well, it's an 11. Plus two, though. Do I have to know if it's 11 total? Because it is, or it already works into the thing. Do I have to use inspiration dice before I find out if it worked? I think you have to use it before, but let me double check. I think we've done it the other way before. Yeah, you do have to use it before you know. 11's pretty low. I'm going to try it again and use my dice. That's much better. 18.

-11 would have missed. -Good. -Oh, good. -I think I really wanted to do it again because I really want to hit this because I'm spending charges. -Right. -Yeah, that makes sense. -I'm going to roll for damage, and then I will roll for the Ancient Sands bonus.

Okay, that's only six. One D4 per charge. That's three D4. So six plus whatever my first thing is because I can't see. Six. So 12 of six force, six bludgeoning to be specific. Yeah, you have the attention of the hemo goblin who's staring at you flying in the air. Okay, I can't do anything else because I already did a bonus action. Just land over it. Just hovering. Just giving it a little... Fly by kiss? Yeah, just staring at it. Just look. Yeah, that's right.

It's the mummy's turn. After the mummy will be Elga, then Chip. The mummy will dash forward and kneel by you, Barney, and ask, Do you require assistance? Yes, please. Okay, the mummy pulls out an instrument of some kind and begins hacking at the blood that's pinning you down, freeing you so you're no longer restrained. Thank you very much. You hack up blood. Mm-hmm. Hey, Elga, you're up. Okay.

What is the lay of the land right now? You're pretty far away from the Hema Goblin. Yeah. But there's those pools that the little Mithits could have come out of that are in your way. Yeah, and the mummy and Barney are both about 30, 40 feet in front of you by one of the pools. Wait a minute, when the mummy approached Barney, it didn't proc anything out of those other pools? They're still by that first pool, but no, nothing else. There's enough distance between them. Well, I'm going to rage first. Smart. Just in case.

Yeah, do it. I don't want to hurt the thing that's inside of the Hema Goblin. You're not going to be able to get to the Hema Goblin at this point. It's still like a hundred, 150 feet away. 150. Wow. Okay. And the little pools that these things are spawning from. Is there like a, I want to save my cone of cold for this thing.

Yeah, maybe save that for the big baddie. Yeah. Probably just go and like, I don't know. Get closer, I guess. Yeah, get to those pools and see what happens. Yeah, I'm going to go towards the Hema Goblin. So you're just making your way downtown? Downtown. Can I do a double walk, double speed? Yeah, so a double move, so you move 60 feet? Yeah. Yeah, that would put you kind of by the second pool. Okay. So you do that and yeah, a Mephit pops out of it. Of course. And lashes out with a bludgeoning blow. What noise does the Mephit make? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

He was so quick to that. I said it's bludgeoning. Well, that's what it's called. It's a bludgeoning blow and it lashes out hitting AC 13. Oh, that misses. Oh, yeah. Those poor little guys, they can't get a hit. Yeah, they're not great. Do you think I'm scared of blood? I eat blood for breakfast. Lunch and dinner. Midnight snack too. Eat the meffit. Eat the blood meffit.

Like Kirby, this guy. I'm out of actions. So I can't. So Elga ends her turn with mouth open. Oh no, it would be terrible if the method jumped in my mouth. Oh no. Elga smiles and just shows all the blood that's all over her mouth and teeth. Just messy like a kid on their like birthday. Feral.

Chip, you're up. Hey there. Who you say that to? God. Hey there, God. It's me, Chip. It's me, Chip. It's me, Chip. Remind me again how, forgive my ignorance, how dash works. That's just additional that you're walking. You could use a bonus action, yeah, to then move your movement speed again. Sorry, that is definitely got to be your biography's title. Hey there, God. It's me, Chip. Hey there, God. It's me, Chip. Okay. Okay.

I do a couple little stretches, you know those like side things where you stretch out the obliques and I start power walking and I want to do a walk speed 30 feet and then I want to double my walk speed by not taking an action an additional 30 feet and then I want to use a bonus action for cutting action to do dash 90 feet So you walk past Elga who's fighting the mephit then?

And they're like, hey there, Elga! And then I'm just like boogieing. Again, power walking. One foot is completely on the ground at a time. It really needs the glutes. And I got my arms tucked in tight so I'm not, you know, perfect movement speed. He's pulled out two and a half pound weights out of his fanny pack. Yeah, that puts you by the third pool and a blood mephit jumps out of there.

Oh, hey there. It's, oh, hey, little brother. Hey, it's your demon just like me. Let's team up. Really quick, 90 feet. How far does that put me away from the hemogoblin? You're pretty close at this point. I mean, you'd be able to get there on your next turn. Okay, groovy. The method appears confused when you call it brother, cousin. Hey, little guy, I look just like you. Look, the horns. It's like it's touching its horns. And I am purple and you are red. We're...

We are one in the same. It looks like it might have gas. It burps. And as it burps, a large blob of blood comes out in your direction. Chip, make a dexterity saving throw. Mr. President! I can't wait till you guys recreate this whole scene with the puppets. Not right now. That was a 14. It was a check. Forgive me. I'm sorry. My finger was already on it. So it would be plus two. Do you want me to roll it again? It's the same. Yeah, you make it regardless, even with your other modifier. You got it. Okay. Yeah, you dodge out of the way.

How rude. I don't want this to be like in a reaction, but can I like pat him on the back? It's like, it's okay there, little brother. This wet Miffit? Yeah. All right, is that it for your turn, Chip? Yeah, that's all I got. All right, well, it's the Hemogoblin's turn. It's not happy with Mateed because Mateed did some damage to it. What's it going to do about that? Go talk to its therapist about it.

It like slashes its arm in your direction. Obviously, you're not within melee range of it. Nope. But like a bit of blood flings off from its body and flies in your direction. Hitting AC 16. That is my AC, but I use deflect missile because it hits me, right? Yeah, it would hit if it hits. What does that do? You can cause your reaction to deflect or catch the missile when you are hit by a ranged weapon attack. When you do so, the damage you take from the attack is reduced by 1d10 plus 6.

If I reduce it down to zero and have a free hand, I can spend a key point to make a ranged attack. Well, let me, so you reduce it 1d10 plus six. You catching bullets? Yeah, blood bullets. I'm going to roll the damage and we'll see if you're able to reduce it, okay? It does 15 points of damage. All I got to do is roll almost up

Perfect 10. Here we go. Here comes a 9 or a 10, everybody. Is that a saving throw or what? No, it's a reaction. Monk ability. And so I reduce it by 9. So you take 5 points of damage. Yeah. I don't like being so squishy. I need to have health. The Hemogoblin says...

Now, take your medicine. And fires another one off at you. Gross. Can I do another reaction? You only get one per round, but it doesn't matter because this one misses anyway. I dodge it. Yeah. Like a very graceful bird. Okay. That's it for the Hemogoblins' turn. Barney, then Matit. So...

How far away am I from this thing? And what is it? From the Hemogoblin? Yeah. You're pretty far. You're still like 100 feet away. You barely started going and then you immediately got stopped by a method. You're right. I'd say roughly 100 feet away if you're asking for a spellcasting purposes. Okay. Well, I will cast Guiding Bolt on the Hemogoblin. That's how far? 120 feet. Ooh. So the flash of light leaps out from your hand and streaks towards the Hemogoblin. That's a 23. That hits.

hits. Rolling for damage. It's a 14 damage. That's radiant damage, right? Radiant damage. Alright. And

And then how far am I from the other thing that was attacking the other goblin? There's a method that is in front of Elgo. Try to fight me. It's about 30 feet in front of you. Okay, I have a question. Elgo wouldn't call this a fight. As a bonus action, I can move my virtual weapon up to 20 feet. So if I cast it before, was it five feet in front of me when I originally cast it? Right. Okay, so then I want to move it 20 feet and then it can still attack within five feet, which would be able to attack the one that is in front of Elgo. Okay, sure. And I go...

You sound like a Mephit. And that was an attack of nine, so I don't know if that hit. That actually does hit. Wow. Really? They're very squishy. The little blood things have been low AC this whole time. It's a five. But Hemo has a little bit more. The Mephit explodes into a fountain of blood. Elga, make a dexterity saving throw. Elga? It's the one by you. Do I have advantage? Yes. It's a 10 and then 8. 8.

Yeah, the viscous blood hits you and then pins you to the ground. Oh, man. And then how far away is Elga? About 30 feet. Well, I guess I'll go to Elga. I've already used my bonus action and my action, so I probably can't help. I could probably wiggle myself out if you want to go somewhere else.

Still got to go that direction. Yeah, still has to go that way. I'll just stay here to potentially help if I can do anything. Is that it for Barney? Yes. Okay, we got Mateed, then the Mummy, then Elga. I don't want to get close to this thing, so I will continue to pelt it.

I will use, eh, why not? I'll use my remaining two charges and do a Sling of Sandstorms Ancient Sands attack. That's a 26, my dude. Ooh, that hits. All right. So roll for damage first. The bludgeoning is six bludgeoning damage. Oh. Plus. I feel like the Sling of the Sandstorm is this campaign's Dissonant Whispers. Yeah, that's true. Five force damage. And.

And that's all I want to do right now. Okay. I don't think there's anything else bonus that I can do that I'd want to do because I don't want to do astral self because I would like to hit it with the proc that happens with that, which needs 10 foot radius. Yeah. And the other stuff is like close combat stuff. I can do flurry of blows, but I don't want to get close to it. So if you did, it might help me though. What?

Do what? If you got within five feet of it, it might help me. How would it help you? Because I have a move that if people are within five feet of it, but also if you don't want to. No, Mateed stays a distance away. Fair, fair. Mateed, yeah. Mateed is more precautious. Self-preservation, top priority. I think they're more precaution. That's a good one. Yeah, that's all I'm going to do.

Okay, it's the mummy's turn. The mummy runs up following Barney over to Elga, kneels down and asks, "Do you require assistance?" -It's a total NPC energy. -"Well, what a helpful character you are, mummy." -"Well, I have a lot I can do, but this is the most pressing need at the moment." -"Yes, I would love some assistance." The mummy quickly manages to cut you free from the blood that's restraining you. -"Thank you."

Blood. Gross. Yuck. I know, right? So nasty. Elga, it's your turn. And then after Elga's chip. How far away am I from now? You're closer. I did double movement, so I was 60. You're probably 60 feet away or so. Am I able to use my axe of the scarab? The range says 20 feet out of 60 feet. That's if you throw it. Yeah. So...

20 feet is a normal attack. Beyond 20 up to 60 is at disadvantage because it's at like a far range. It says you gain a plus two bonus to attack rolls you make with this weapon. Yeah, you would still roll with disadvantage, but you would get plus two on each of them. Cool. And plus bless. And you would be throwing it, so you wouldn't be able to like attack with it again. Oh, wait. Well, it says that I could use as part of my attack, you could make the axe fly back to your empty hands. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So I would do that if it, you know. Gotcha.

And then because I'm raging as well, would that also? That would increase your damage. But that's only with a melee weapon. If you're throwing it, I don't think it counts. So it's not melee because I'm throwing. Correct. You only get that damage bonus if you're actually like, if it's in your hands and you're attacking something. Okay, well, I'm going to use it. Nice axe throw. Axe throw, 27. Wow. I imagine that hits. It's at disadvantage because it's beyond that range. 24. Ooh, cool.

I hate Olga. Yeah, that hits. The barbarian's supposed to do one thing, hit things with axe. Smashy smashy. Yeah, yeah. All right, yeah. Your axe of the scarab hits the hemogoblin. It does. 12 plus two, so that would be 14 damage. Why the plus two? You gain a plus two bonus to attack rolls you make with this weapon. Oh, plus rage.

Rage only counts in melee. She's throwing it. This axe has sun touch, so it says you gain plus two bonus. So that's attack rolls. That's damage rolls. Okay. Nevermind. Sorry. No, 12. So it's a 12. Numbers, numbers, numbers. My brain's like business, business. And then I also want it to fly back to my hand as well. Okay. That's pretty cool.

Wow. I'm glad I bought that. The Hemogoblin roars as the axe of the scarab hits him, then flies back to your hand, Elga. Who knew that my axe would become a bat before I did? Is there anything else you can do? Did you move? Can you move? You can move. Yeah, let me move closer. Yeah, you would be able to move up to where Chip is. Chip's up at the next pool. Okay, I'll go up to where he is. I have to warn you, I'm facing off against a little guy. I will go 10 feet behind Chip. Ha ha ha.

From a metagame perspective, it already attacked, so it wouldn't be able to attack you again until its next turn. But if you want to maintain that distance, you're more than welcome to. You can come up here. I just want to let you know I got a little guy. I'll go five feet behind Chip. Okay. Is that it for you, Elga? Yes. Okay, Chip, it's your turn. All right. So Matide is not within five feet of the Hemogoblin. No. Okay. Where is the Hemogoblin currently looking? Probably at me. Well, no. It's currently looking at Elga because Elga threw the axe. So I don't have the ability to do a sneak attack. Nope.

We're in a hallway. Okey-dokey. Well, now shucks. I'm just going to run up to that ding-dang thing, and I'm going to use the old Kopesh of the Desert Tempest. Did you already deal with the Mephit? No, but I'm going to disengage. Okay, there you go. Cutting action. All right. So you disengage from the Mephit, and you run up to... Before I go, I say, hey there, little guy. You have a good day. Stay safe. Be good. Make us demons proud.

Bye-bye. Make good choices. It's like a Lilo and Stitch situation here. Yeah. All right, so you disengage and you run up to the Hemogoblin. And what do you do again? Use the Kopesh of the Desert Tempest. All right. That's a five.

I'm gonna use my inspiration die though. Okay. That's a 2 plus 3. 6 plus 3 plus 3. Plus a d4, right? Because I got bless. Bless this mess. It's not gonna be enough. That's a 1. 7. No, that's not enough. Because an 11 would have missed. I don't think I've got anything else.

It's so sad when you're playing with roles that you just you know you do your magic and it doesn't hit nothing happens This is a Blaine move where he's like just going through inventory I want to make sure that I didn't use my bonus action. I think was used. Yes, okay All right

I tried. You're standing in front of him. And I put my hands on my hip and I say, your move. I love this visual. Okay. Well, it is the emo goblins move. Bring it. I dare you. Come on. Okay. Show me what you got. I think that

Just pointing at Chip. I am your enemy. Holding your axe behind your back, but not fully obscuring it. Face me. It unfurls a whip made of blood. Yeah? What is that all you got? And lashes out at you. Uh-huh. Hitting AC 12. Ha-ha!

No, I'm a 13. Nice. The seems to like roar with anger. And it's almost like it's getting bigger. Okay. It begins expanding a little bit. Like it's really getting uncomfortably close to you, Chip. I puff out my chest. I go. Oh, that's perfect. Because it like absorbs. It's going to swallow you, dumb man. And begins absorbing you. Oh, no. Make a strength saving throw. It's already got a

man's mustache inside. It's collecting mustaches. Strength saving throw. He didn't get it at all. He leaned right into it. Nine. I've seen the movie Blob. I know you don't do that. It starts like pummeling you as it's pulling you in closer. What about the bless? Yeah. Do bless. What's the bless? Does that add to your save? Yeah. Saving throw. Plus four. Oh, yeah. Or you gotta roll for it. A d4.

Uh, two. No, 11. Nope. That's okay. I didn't want to anyways. What are you going to do about it? Well, what it does initially is it gives you 13 points of bludgeoning damage. Oh, okay.

He's losing his team, everybody. That's it? That's all you got? You are now grappled within the Hemogobbler. Oh, that's a darn shame. You fell right into my trap. Can you breathe blood? I don't know, but I can use Hellish Rebuke, which is a reaction which you take in response to being damaged by a creature within 60 feet. How are we doing on sound levels? I feel like we're yelling a lot. You catch that, right? Yeah.

You point your finger and the creature that damaged you is momentarily surrounded by hellish flames. The creature must make a dexterity saving throw. Yeah. DC 14. Oh, you just said earlier that you need to be using hellish rebuke. I sure did. It's all part of the plan. It's all part of the plan.

I rolled a 13. So it's a fail save. Uh-oh. You got rebuked. That's a 3D 10, 13. You just stumbled into a really cool moment, Blaine. I didn't stumble. There's a reason I was clearing the distance to get up to him. Do I get to bless? That's just for if he drops. Yeah, you're right. Stupid. I know. Dumb, dumb. Stop. Stop.

All right, so you... You child. You cast your Hellish Rebuke as you're being absorbed. Like, I guess... He's just going in. Just your head is sticking out and you cast Hellish Rebuke. That's the Taco Bell. And the Hema Goblin roars in agony. Fortune favors even the foolish now and then.

But mark my words, next time, I'm going for the jugular. And with a splash, the Gema Goblin vanishes into the waterfall, and just like that, every wellspring turns back to fresh water. I want to catch whatever body was inside it. Nothing falls out of it. However, after a second, you hear hacking and wheezing, and someone emerges from behind the waterfall. You all recognize him. It's Weezer. Chief Inspector Weezer? Chief Inspector Weezer. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I pat the chief inspector on the back to help him get the butt out. Thank you. That was a nice trick, by the way. Thank you, Scott. That was my first time using it. Chief inspector

What's he doing inside that hemogoblin? He seems to be struggling for his breath. He's like retching up, coughing up blood. He's like pointing out, giving like a wait sign. He's turning one of the blood methods. You all look down and notice your clothes are no longer drenched in blood, but damp with water. We were baptized. What is this? As you're wringing out your vestments and drying off, Chip, you notice your fanny pack zipper is open.

What the heck? You check inside to make sure nothing has fallen out, but the opposite is true. You find a note. On the outside is familiar floral penmanship that reads, To Chip, from Carol. My wife!

What does it say? We're going to find out next week. Oh, my God. Why did you kill me? So that person that bumped me must have been Carol. Oh. Oh. Or delivering a note from Carol. Oh, I knew I got the butterflies for some reason. Maybe we'll get some answers next time. Oh, shoot. All right. Well, thanks for listening, everybody. Oh, wait. Do we want to talk about that thing that happened on RTX? Oh, so, you know, we had our event RTX a couple of weeks ago at this point.

and we asked every single person who came by to this Tales from the Stinky Dragon autograph signing who their favorite character was. Now I know why Blaine wants us to bring it up. From campaign one. I asked every single person, and I kept Tali in secret. I didn't show the people who were voting, and I didn't show anyone else the Tali until we were done. This is from campaign one. From campaign one. Kyborg won by one vote. Every other character was tied in second place with the same number of votes. Kyborg had one more vote than everyone else. And it was like...

150 people or something. It was so close. I can't believe how it ended up. I think Blaine took a picture of it, so maybe we can post that on social. Yeah, and everyone gave their answer just how they felt, and it just happened to line up that way, which is really cool. Zero intimidation or intimidating eye contact whatsoever. Yeah.

But yeah, anyway, thanks for listening, everybody. We'll be back next week with another episode. This episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon was produced by Ben Ernst, written, edited, and composed by Micah Reisinger with additional editing work by David Sanier. This week's Arrow question was submitted by atrainbow on Discord. Here's a quick shout out to folks that interacted with us on social media recently. Here's some NPCs named after them in this episode. Ryder Rajad, aka The Mummy, named after user Ryda7s on Reddit.

MXTheEsthetician named after @MXDustStorm on Instagram. DebiTheDraftMaker named after @DendyLeo0 on Instagram. ChiefInspectorWeezer named after user CarlWeezer567 on Reddit.

Also want to give a special thanks to some friends who provided voiceover for characters in this episode. Ryder Rajad, aka The Mummy, voiced by Hannah McCarthy, at hihello__hannah. Emix, the esthetician, voiced by Hector Gonzalez, at hbag22. Debbie, the draftmaker, voiced by Lindsay Washburn, at linsbot__. And Hemogoblin, the blood elemental, voiced by Mikey Spandex, at MikeySpandex1992. Tune in next time for another thrilling episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon.

Dash is an action. Is that a bonus action? We're clarifying here. What? Maybe don't get too close. Also on mine.

It says what? It's a dash action. A cunning action. You can take a bonus action on each of your turns to take the dash disengage your hide action. So you're saying that's cunning action. Okay, yeah, yeah, correct. Cunning action is the bonus. Which if you listen back, I did say that, but it's okay. It's fine. We're just checking. No, I know. I appreciate you. So how far do you move in total? We're all about following the rules to a T here. Cunning action. That's what we're known for. Yeah.

Real Rules Stiklers. You can learn exactly how to play this game correctly. If you want a fun podcast, go somewhere else. We are the Hardcore Rules Podcast. That's our next shirt. This is our show, Tales from the Stiklers Dragon.