C02 - Ep. 13 - Karcasuuk Coup - Mummy's the Word
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Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.

if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. This is a Rooster Teeth production.

Best wishes to all you bone claws. Shadow jump your jawbone into the stinky dragon, knock back our latest bev, go off without a lich. It's a mixture of scar de mom seeds, sliced cold brew, topped with skewered pain apple chunks and cherries. One nip of the snosh is enough to scratch that itch to be a lich. Previously our adventurers were deserted in the desert with nothing but a caboose to their name.

After scavenging supplies and traversing scorching sands, they finally found their first signs of civilization. A pyramid. Latch onto a libation. Let's leap into this accruedulant lore. ♪

Hello, everyone. My name is Gustavo Sorolla. I'm your dungeon master for our putrid party. I'm going to hit up our four players with an arrow. It's a little role-playing warm-up question. This week's question is, what profession did your character want to be as a kid? As a kid...

You mean currently, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if you don't mind introducing yourself, your character, and then answering the question for your character, please. Oh, man, I have to go first. I need to think about this. Well, I'm Barbara Dunkelman. I voice Elga Von Brath, who is a female half-elf vampire barbarian. And as a kid, so long ago, for Elga, she wanted to be, you know,

You know, Elga wanted to do so many things. I'm sorry. I feel like almost Elga, when she was young, it was so long ago that she wanted to be something that isn't a contemporary occupation anymore. Like, it's come and gone. Elga, I think when I was younger, I wanted to work at the morgue. Because, you know, it seems peaceful and quiet. And, you know, you get to learn about the human body, which as a young girl, I was very curious about.

My brain finished your sentence for you before you did it. And my brain says like Elga wanted to work at the mall. She wanted to work at the NPMs. Or what was it called? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great. God, I want a cinnamon pretzel now.

Hey, it's me, Blaine Gibson. I play Chip Haney in Tiefling Rogue. Burble garble, everyone. Burble garble. Burble garble. Burble garble to you. And a fine burble garble to you. I think Chip wanted to be a pizza cook. He wanted to make the pizza. He loves eating pizza. He always brings a smile to his face. And he wanted to see smiles on other people's faces. He wanted to be a pizza maker. Chip would look great on a pizza box. I

I think so too. Like holding up a little. Yeah. We had an old podcast shirt with Gus and he was like doing the like, mama Mia symbol. Is he okay? Well, I would say it's the okay sign, not the mama Mia symbol. Yeah. Well, it's the mama Mia symbol. I feel it should be canonical now that chip also has a pizza cutter in his like fanny pack arsenal. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

it's good for slitting throats you just like roll it right across we got somebody who can enchant chip's fanny pack so that it's like mary poppins bag and just forever reaching down in hey there's a bag of holding you did you had the last campaign didn't you fingers crossed we'll put the bag of holding in your fanny pack and so when you reach in it's like a double bag there can barney remember what he wanted to be when he was a kid well i'm

Chris Damaris and played Barney Farney. Herbal, herbal. Reputation precedes me. Human cleric. And I think Barney, as a kid, wanted to be a hero. Wow. What kind? When did Barney give up on that dream? Oh, no.

I don't know, but just a hero. I mean, there's heroes everywhere. Bus drivers, teachers, janitors, you know, they come in all shapes and sizes. That's true. It's very true. Even the guy listening right now at subway, who's making a sandwich. Who's making a hero sandwich.

Oh, nice. That's my one joke I get for the whole episode. I wasn't giving inspiration to die, but you already have one. Dang it. I'll take it.

I always do that. I never, I'm not the jokester. I'm not the funny man of the group. And whenever I do actually make one, I already got an inspiration dice. John, you're very funny. I'm John, by the way, the very funny guy who plays Matty Confucius, who's an era Corcoran ghost monk. And Matty, when Matty was a petit bébé. Fledgling. Petit bébé. Bébé. I thought it would be very helpful and interesting to be a librarian.

I've always loved reading and learning and teaching myself everything that I can. And so it seems like easy access to all the information is a quiet place. It's a reflective place. You know, so I love the library. You like the quietness, Mathieu. Do you like partying with us every day, every time?

Let's just not start this adventure with some negativity. Okay, the four of you travel for several hours across countless sand dunes. Your joints are aching, your clothes are caked with sand and sweat. You peer across the horizon for any sign of progress, but all you see is more... Wait, that wasn't there before, was it? Something stands tall above the dunes, piercing the skyline with a sharp point. Is that a pyramid?

Oh, right. After some deliberation, y'all decide to make camp for the evening before proceeding any further so everyone can take a long rest. Yay. I don't think I need one, but I'll do it. Actually, if I don't need to take a long rest and I don't actually have to sleep, can I use that time for whatever I want? Yeah. It's Matid time. Okay. Matid time.

Give us a taste of that. What's Matide time like? Honestly, in character, Matide's getting a little suspicious of some of you. Oh, really? Matide is not necessarily immediately trusting of everybody. And we've only been together for a short while. So I'm, you know. There's nothing to be suspicious of. Nothing that anyone's hiding from each other or anything that anybody did in private.

What does that entail? What's your investigation involved? What are you looking for? What are you looking for? You're asleep, old man. You're asleep. I need Chris to be method. Go to sleep right now. Don't tempt me, John. Oh my God, I have hellish rebuke. Sorry. I was curious about my own character and what John could find out about me.

Maybe Mateed found out that I have hell's rebuke. I think at this point, not to completely go into, you know, to break everyone's, you know, privacy, I think Mateed would just stay awake and would just watch over them and see what they might dream about. You know, see if there's anything you could tell from like sleep talking or their sleeping habits or

Does Matide see any peak of fangs coming out of Elga's mouth? Yes. Matide has been around for a while. Between the two of us who have been around longer than these other mortals, yeah, Matide wasn't born yesterday. Understands what a vampire is, but loves the facade. Definitely was not born yesterday, let me tell you.

No. Is there any flavor text you guys could give me on any like dreams and any sleep talking that might occur? Okay, I'm going to give you a little bit of taste. Chip, big smile. He's sleeping like a baby, you know, like hands together as if in prayer, cupped up to his cheek. He's having a great time. He's just dreaming of murder. Nothing but stabbing people. All the people that he's assassinated in his past life. That's all he's thinking about. How does that sound? I mean, you can, if you look into his face, he's just...

But inside his brain, it's just...

I like it. Elga, of course, sleeps on her back with her arms crossed over her chest. As all little girls do. As all little girls do. To protect, you know, herself from things that might come. I like the idea that in the desert, you have actually buried yourself in the sand as well. Mummified. And she is probably just doing like the phantom bites and going, pet, pet, pet.

And dreaming of flying. Is Elga a drooler? Like, does the little fangs keep her lips from sealing? So she got like a little bit of drool coming out the side of the mouth. Elga is 100% a drooler. Because she's sleeping on her back, it comes out both sides. She's just salivating thinking about... Is her drool a little red? That's weird. No. Barney, what's your sleep like? Barney, 70% of the time...

snoring loudly, perfectly content and happy, and then occasionally he'll look really sad or upset, and then he'll be really happy. So he's kind of waffling. Okay. Like a dog that's having a dream. Does Barney's back leg, does one of his legs start kicking a little bit? They do kick. Yeah, they kick like he's running. I'm surprised he doesn't have a magic CPAP machine or something. Is he also making little like...

Like the little dog squeals. All right. So what'd you glean from that, Mateed? I've made notes. Okay. We can proceed. Sorry. That was a total detour, but I thought that was fun. I like it. That's fun. It's necessary. Everyone go ahead and make me a perception check.

- 16. - 17, nine, 16 for Barney. - Oh, two 16s, a 17 and a nine, wow. Mateed, we'll start with you. Perhaps you spend a little bit more time than expected studying everyone. So you're not really looking around, paying attention to the surroundings. You're just kind of focused, maybe processing all that you've learned throughout the night. Then the other three of you wake up to the faint sound of someone yelling in the distance. You open your eyes and realize it's daybreak.

You squint past a few dunes to see three stiff figures in a huddle. And as you empty the sand from your ears, you're able to make out the cries. Untie me at once. Is anyone out there? Please, help.

What was that? Barney, was that you? No. Did anyone else hear a voice crying out for us to untie them? Yes. Oh, okay. We should untie them. Where are you? Which direction is the pyramid to us? From where you are, it's kind of off to the north. But these cries are kind of coming from that same direction, a little maybe north, northwest. All right. Now, gang, there's a possibility that this here could be a trap. All right. Mid-sentence, Matit flies straight up in the air. Okay.

Okay, goodbye, Mateed. Every time they do that, I just assume that's the last time we'll ever see Mateed. Well, they do know a lot more about us, maybe, so maybe they're scared. You're like a dog with separation anxiety. Anytime Mateed leaves, you're like, oh no, object permanence. Mateed's gone forever. Yeah, I go up and look the direction that that sound's coming from. You said we see three figures?

Yeah, like past some of the dunes to the north, you see three figures kind of in a huddle. And I assume that's what Matide kind of focuses in when they take to the air. And in that area, you get like a little bit of a better view. Maybe, you know, the sand's not blowing as much once you get up into the air a bit, Matide. But you can see three figures appear to be wearing a fourth figure in the sand.

Oh, I come back down and I relay that information to the group if they're not aware of it thus far. There seems to be a bit of a party going on to the north. One person might be not enjoying the party as the others. I think we should do like some sort of you guys distract them while a couple of others go behind. We can do just like, you know, a little bit of a pincer maneuver. I mean, we could just walk over and see what's going on, because if they're afraid.

doing something without consent is not appropriate and they should know that this is not a way to treat their friends. We could be a shining example of how four friends act together all the time, trusting each other, one another. Mateed would not be able to stifle completely a little chuckle to that. I sense by your chuckle that you agree, Mateed. Thank you. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Big endorsement. So we're going to go in fisticuffs raised. I want to hide. I just want to sneak through the sand like a bit of a sandworm, shimmy my way through just in case things get dirty and I got the jump on them. With Chip saying that, is there any change in the planar height of anything between us and them? Or is it just flat sand between us and them? No, there's dunes along the way. It's not totally flat. But yeah, there are dunes that rise and fall between you and there, which may be another reason you're able to get a better view when you were up in the air.

Okay, I like it. I was really hoping it was completely flat and we would just see Chip like army crawling across the sand. Snithering through like a snake. I don't know if I had said this earlier, but I just wanted to say it just for a sense of clarification. There's also some like ruins, like some dilapidated falling apart buildings as well between you and there. Cover. Oh, whatever I was pretends to be a ghost. Yes, pretends. Mateed looks at Chip. Oogie boogie.

Oh, that is very, that's not nice of you to do that. We are not like that. That's very stereotypical of you to do that. Oh, so sorry. Maybe we should just walk over. Chip, if you want to be sneaky, you go for it. You know, you do you, boo.

But I think maybe we should just, you know, calmly walk over there and see what the trouble is. Okay, let's go. I'll follow you guys' lead. Elga, you're team commander, all right? Okay. So does that mean Elga's taking point since she's commander? Let's establish a marching order here. Elga first. And then Barney come up behind acting as a ghost. What does that mean? Does that mean Barney's second or does that mean Barney's fourth? Second. Okay. Okay.

Matide? Matide takes the rear. Okay. I'm going to go lone wolf. I'm going to go around, but I'm going to wait on Elga's call. You give me the signal, Elga, and then I run away without establishing a signal. Who like an owl? He's already gone. He can't hear what the signal is going to be. He's just going to have to guess. All right. So, Elga, you begin casually walking over in that direction, leading your party minus Chip, who's flanking off somewhere waiting for a signal. Yeah. And Elga's version of trying to be casual is she's just like...

strolling over pretending to chew gum and like whistle and look around like that.

And Barney goes, ooh. As he approaches. Elgar, do you also have your hands in your pockets? Mm-hmm. Real casual-like. So casual. Just happened to be out for a stroll in this desert when we came upon him. Do you have one hand in your pocket? And the other one is somewhere in there. Giving a peace sign, I believe, is the lyric. Okay, I didn't know the lyrics. You know what? You picked up on what I was laying down, and I appreciate it, Barbara Dunkelman. Hey.

Yeah, as you, you know, close the distance between you and the figures, you hear what appears to be some groaning. Oh.

And you also hear maybe what might be the person being covered up with sand, the sand getting into their mouth and they're making a sound like burble, gerble. Oh, what a great sound. Oh, they're friendly. Can we tell who the three people bearing this person are, like what they look like, what they have on? Make a perception check for me, Elga. I'm looking too. 22. 20. The three figures who are huddled up appear to be very sad.

Like they're not moving very smoothly at all. And they're kind of dressed in fine linen with their head and their shoulders covered like in a scarf of some kind. I relay that information to Barney. Yeah. Okay. Oh.

Like a mummy? I mean, yeah, wrapped up. Maybe, perhaps. And can we see the fourth person being buried or are they too much under the sand for us to see them? At this point, they're mostly buried in the sand. Looks like it's someone bound by rope struggling as sand is getting poured on top of them. Oh dear. Uh, it's

desert hangout people here in the desert with us also hanging out here. Barney gives a head nod. Yes, you're doing it, Elga. What are you guys doing to that person? They seem to not enjoy being buried in the sand. It seems almost like you maybe startled them. The three of them turned around with a grrrr sound. All three of them point a finger in Matide's direction. You go, grrrr!

And everyone go ahead and roll initiative. Oh! Chip is still Chip! Chip!

Chip! Chip! 15. 18. 18. That one I didn't know, John. I had to look at that one. Yeah. I'm teaching. I'm a teacher. All right, Mateet, you have a 21 on initiative, so you're going first. What's their distance to me? From where you are, we'll say they're 20 feet or so. Okay. It's three of them? Yes. Okay. I charge in and I cast Arms of the Astral Self. Ah!

And that summon causes anybody within 10 feet of me, if I'm like 10 feet from them, they must succeed on a deck saving throw or take 2d4 force damage. And so I'm going to do that. What save do they have to roll? Like how, what's the number they're looking for? 13. They have a minus one on their save, so they need a 14 or higher. Okay. I'm rolling for all three of them because they're all pretty bunched up. And all three of them fail with a 13, eight, and one. Woo!

Lovely. I'm going to roll for damage on that, which is a fatty six force damage. Nice. So you just go in with like astral arms wailing? They're wings. They're wings. Thank you. Thank you. Don't you have wings and arms? Yeah, but I want wings when these come out. Yeah. Why are you being so difficult with me? I want wings. No, I don't have arms and wings. Do I?

Yeah. Well, how are you holding things? I thought I had... I thought it was like a... Yeah, you do. In my head, sometimes I think I'm more like a Zelda bird. A...

What are they, Rito? Is that what they're called? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that. But yeah, you're right. I think I have arms. God, I should know. I should really change my avatar to look like that so it's not croissants. So, okay. Anyways, it's wings. So your astral wings flutter about knocking these figures to and from for six points of damage. Yes, and that's a bonus action. And I'm going to stay 10 feet from them when I do that so that the force damage happens, but they're not within melee range of me. Okay. Okay.

Okay, so I am going to, since I have 10 feet reach for melee damage, I'm going to do a nice little melee attack using the Arms the Astral Self. And I'm going to do that, I guess, to like pick a dude. Gus and I attack that dude. Roll me a d6. One and two is the first one. Three and four is the second one. Five and six is the third one. That's a one. Okay, that's the first one. The one on the left.

That's an eight. Nothing happens. Nothing happens. I just... Believe it or not, that hits. What? Whoa. These people must be real weak. I thought I was just going to like fan them. A gust of wind from your wind. Just cooling them off.

Their AC is actually eight. So that is the exact number you needed. Rolling for damage. Five damage. Okay, yeah. You kind of use one of your arms of the astral self. It lashes out at it. You're not particularly confident in the attack, but it connects, hitting it right in the face and knocking it to the ground where it is no longer moving. Oh, wow. All right, I go up. And then Mateed takes off.

Top Gun style. Have at them. Is this where they go to get milk from the convenience store and never come back? There they go. I think they're going to the danger zone.

I want to like a French, like accordion version of Highway to the Danger Zone to play while I sleep. The Danger Zone. Yeah. If they put that into the movie Amelie, that's what I want that to sound like. All right, Barney, you're up. Then after Barney is Elka. Barney casts Guiding Bolt on one of the mummies. The remaining two? Yeah.

Yeah. Whatever it is. The tattered individuals. Which one? The one in the center or the one on the right? Whichever one looks the least damaged. They've all taken the same amount of damage except for the one that's down. Then the one in the middle. Okay. That's a 22. That hits. And does 11. This one also falls to the ground unmoving from your guiding bolt. I showed him or her or them.

Is there anything else Barney wants to do? Barney's a legit old man. I think Barney's actually falling asleep right now. That's it.

- That's it for Barney? Oh, Barney, efficient. Okay. - Wow. - Elga, you're up. Then the creature that's tied up, then Chip. - How much distance between the creature, sorry, the last standing thing and the person who's in the sand? - Not too far. I think let's call it 15 feet. - Okay. I mean, I'm just gonna go and swing my greataxe at the last standing figure. - All right. Go ahead and make that attack roll.

I can't wait to find out these guys were coming up to Mateed for an autograph. 100% they're going to be good guys. You know it. That's a 15. That hits. Damage is only a five. Lucky for you, he did not have very many hit points left. So that drops him and he also falls to the court. It also falls to the ground, unmoving. And then I don't know if I have more, but I would like to go over to the person who's being buried in the sand and help pull them out. Sure, why not?

Are we out of combat? Yeah, you're out of combat at that point, but I'll let Elga go and continue that. Chip, you can come out now! You hear a voice from across the dune say, Did you send the signal yet, Elga? Can I come out? Can I attack? You know, why don't you just stay where you are for now, you know, just in case. You see a purple thumbs up come from over the dune. You got it!

- I'm just kidding, you come, come join the party. - I sled down the dune. - Face first. - Ow. - Elga, you walk up to the hole and you find someone who's mostly buried bound by rope, struggling to free themself. - Can I pull them out? - Make a strength check just to pull them out. Just for fun. - That's a 14.

Elga's pretty strong. You managed to pull the figure out and you recognize her pretty immediately. You saw her not that long ago. It's the mummy. Like from the parade? The, the, correct. Yeah, the, not a mummy, the mummy. Thank you so much.

I really appreciate it. I thought I was done for. Oh, you're very welcome, mummy. Mum, mummy, mum. I mean, mummy. I mean, I mean. Chip approaches, pulls out his arm blade, holds it up to her face threateningly, then smiles and cuts off the restraints. There you go, boyo, let's get you up. He pats her off the dust and the sand and, oh, you're good as new. Oh, there you go.

As you're doing that, your hand kind of brushes up against her hair. But yeah, as it brushes, you realize that it's very strange hair. It's like shifting and it almost moves like snakes, like cobras. They're very bizarre. Oh, what have you been doing to your hair? Those locks are so luxurious and nice. What do you, what's your routine? Chip and Elga, the two of you, since you're up close to the mummy, why don't both of you make a perception check? Is it the leave-in conditioner or something that you're using? I do it too.

This is accurate because men don't know how to take care of their hair. What does Chip do? I do a two. I do a two. Chip is very cat-like. He sees a lot of sand, knows that he can go. I rolled an 18. Elga, you were much more perceptive than Chip over there. It's because Chip went face first down a dune and now just has sand all on his eyes.

The mummy appears to be a decaying woman wrapped in linen strips. Her rotting face is tattooed all over and her hair shifts and slithers like cobras. Since the last time you saw her, it appears that she's missing her golden headdress. She's also missing her double-bladed scimitar. Matide lands. Why were those individuals burying you in the sand? It's a long story. Pleased to meet you, by the way.

My name is Raida Rajad. Bonjour, je m'appelle Matin. Can you spell that out for us? R-A-I-D-A-R-A-J-A-D. My name's Chip Haney. Pleasure to meet you. Yes, you as well. I was betrayed by my priests, the lectors. Specifically, High Lector Mishnomar.

My headdress of the antique was stolen by someone else who was calling themselves the true pharaoh. Then I was unceremoniously let out here to this fate. Sounds like a bunch of Judas priests. That's right, I know rock and roll. I'm a bit of a metalhead on the weekends. I think you need it again. Okay.

Okay. So did they, I noticed that you are missing your headdress and your sword. Did they take those as well? Yes. My headdress was stolen by the imposter Hadee, who was claiming to be the new pharaoh. And I was left without it. My headdress is very important to me. And I would like to get that.

Why is it important? It's a source of power and an acknowledgement of my status. So is it stolen? Yes.

It was stolen. He just told us it was stolen. So what's like the governing body here? Is this like a monarchy, a democracy? Like how were you put into the higher up position? Obviously it's a matriarchy if they're a mummy. True. But like, is this like a royalty thing? Like, did you, you know? Due to my work to help the people of this area, I was granted...

This elevated position. I don't really see that many people in this area. Who exactly are you referring to? Karkasuk, of course. The city behind me in the dunes. Wait, you're telling me that that big pyramid's a city like a Bass Pro Shop? Is that what you're telling me? Is there people in there? Not just the pyramid.

The city at the base of the pyramid. Oh, I didn't see that. Okay. Everyone knows that. So obvious. You had described there were ruins between us and them. Right. Are they pointing at something that is towards that pyramid and at the base of it, but far enough away? Correct. Correct. My devotion to the Antique helps guide the city and its citizens are grateful for it. Who is Antique?

The Antique are the ancients. The whole city is devoted to the Antique. We perform sacred rituals and offerings regularly to the Antique. You said there was this true pharaoh who usurped you. Did you get a good look at who this was? They were difficult to see. They were wrapped up and wore a cloak. They were like tall, short...

Muscular, skinny. Seemed to be a muscular humanoid. Did you catch any green veins? Big smiles? Dead? Maybe, Smiley. They had a lot of teeth. Yes. Smiley.

We're very familiar with those who are smiley. Elgo looks at ship. Yeah. Big smile. You know, it is very unfair when people take what belongs to you. And this does not make me very happy. So I think... And Elgo looks back to her team. We should help, right? We should help Mami find her crown and her swords. Oh, yeah, yeah. Did you call her Mami? I mean, the Mami, uh...

Mommy, sorry. Mommy, sorry. What's the situation we're going to be walking into here? Like, is this you've been outcast and like you're like an enemy of the state or do you still have allies? Like, what's the scale of this here coup? It's going to be difficult. Whoever wears the headdress of Antique can awaken the citizens of Carcasuc.

and command them as a legion. So, if this imposter is wielding the headdress of Antique, we could find quite a bit of resistance within the city. What makes them the imposter and not you? Because I am devout to the Antique, and they are not. They just showed up.

So like, say we, you know, kind of like your three friends here that weren't your friends. Cause they were trying to kill you. Say we take them down and kill them. Are

Are these like brainwashed citizens and we're doing a bad thing or would they come back because, you know, it's like an undead kind of situation? Every citizen of Carcasuk who serves the Antique is essentially given everlasting life. So that is not something you need to be worried about.

Okay, so safety's off. Got it. You can identify a Karkasukin easily with this ceremonial tattoo. She walks over to some of those three figures that you all were in combat with and points out a tattoo that's on them. It looks like a brown sigil. It's like a double-bladed scimitar with an eye on each blade.

Cool. Where's the tattoo? It's right above their, it's on their tailbone, right? Right on their lower back there. Like a stamp of some sort? Yeah. It's not in a consistent place between the three of them. Two of them are on the arm and another one is on the leg. Okay. Chip, make a history check. Oh, okay. There is a 14. You feel like

this tattoo reminds you of something. It's hard to place, but it's like waking from a dream and like as you try to focus on it, you can't grab it. It's like it's just on the periphery of your mind.

I just see in the dialogue underneath the screen saying, Chip will remember that. I have a question. When we approach these individuals who are burying you, they seem to be a bit enthusiastic about approaching me particularly. Would you have any insight as to why they were so interested in me? Most likely, it's your feline friend. Oh! Oh!

Jacques! You mean Jacques. My un petit chat. Talk of the town. The Hordoum are frightened of felines.

Because they're largely viewed as keepers of the undead. Oh. So these three people, they were not Karkasuk? Yes, they were Karkasukans. However, they served in the Hordum army, who are awakened and commanded by the headdress of Antique. Okay, so they were being controlled by the headdress to attack you and to bury you. Exactly. Exactly.

So they were chasing the kitty because they were scared of it. They wanted to be rid of it. Oh, goodness. I

I pet Jacques. We better put that kitty away. Jacques and Matide both give a glare at Barney. I like this animosity between Barney and Matide. I just want to try and take care of the kitty. Matide still has their rings of astral self and just flaps them up and looks as big as possible, looming over Barney and just goes, not going to happen, little man. Okay, if your kitty dies...

I guess it's gotta eat more lives. Don't you dare touch that kitty, Barney. There will be hell to pay. Why do you think I'm gonna hurt the kitty? Because of everything you said. I say, hey, let's do a quick little icebreaker. Zip! Zip zap! No, your name is Chip.

What is there? Not that we are opposed to helping along the way when its opportunity arises, but hopefully there is something good that can come out of it for us. Perhaps something that we could get out of this in exchange. I'd be happy to reward you with riches. The one catch is that they're located at the Pyramid of Antique.

which is what you see off in the distance to the northeast but you're welcome to anything once you help me recover the headdress of antique and my scimitars

Hey, full disclosure, we were just on the run because people thought, no, Matee's giving me some shrugs. Matee takes all six wings and muffles Chip. She's like, why? Why give information out? You know, maybe he sees me.

an illusion out here in the desert, you know, Mirage, and maybe he's thinking things and seeing things. Listen, life, friendship is one big trust fall, all right? And I don't want any surprises as the mummy is coming into our arms,

So I was just gonna lay it out on the table. Is this is this a bad thing? Yes. Okay. I'm still muffling you I'm still like aren't like all wings around you Jacques is like ready to swipe at you. I think we operate on a need-to-know basis Okay, you know, maybe if mommy asks us we could be honest, but until then we do not give up information Okay

I catch the hint. I'm really bad at having these asides out of earshot. You just do some stage whispering. What I meant to say was full disclosure. I got a lot of sand in my shoes. These are my sneakers. Let's get going to the city. Let's go to the antique roadshow, whatever it was called. What was it called? The city of antique pyramid of antique. There it is. All right, good.

Bonus die. It's Brayden. Here we go. Bonus die. What's a bonus die? That's the one. I'm down to get going. I mean, if I, do you feel like we've adequately questioned and, you know. Well, have we talked about what the mummy will do for us if we help? Riches. Just riches? That's so ambiguous. What would you prefer, Elka? Oh,

Oh, you know, maybe a signed poster of Dracula, if you happen to have one. I know you and him are close. I was saying if they're on like the council, you know, like the big, you know, they're like one of the big guys that was in their parade. Like if we let them know our situation, they scratch our backs. We, we, we scratch their backs. They scratch our backs. Nailed it. There is a way in order to convey that without having to give all the information out.

I'm treating this like a first date with my wife, Carol, for instance, when I first met her, I said, Hey, full disclosure, I'm a murderer for hire. I'm not going to do that for you. I'm not going to kill you, but you need to know that I come with a little bit of luggage and it's not the fancy Samsonite to me kind of stuff. It's the, the Walmart store bought

luggage. It's dirty. If I know anything about women, you want to on first date say, I'm not going to murder you. That really makes them feel comfortable. So comfortable. It's good to specify. She thought it was a turn on. She thought it was hot. And then we got married and now she's missing. I didn't murder my wife. The more you tell us you didn't murder your wife, the more I think you actually might have potentially murdered your wife.

You know me, look at this face. It's a face you can trust. Oh, you know what? I actually do trust you. Yeah, so that works for us. We can proceed. Perhaps also, if you are trying to reconnect with some missing friends, we'll find them on the way. We have friends? Are we trying to reconnect with alchemists? Yeah, they're alchemists.

And the other one. Who was? I'm going to look at my notes. Frankenstein. Was Frankenstein with us? Weezer went with you as well. Oh, yeah. Hey, don't forget. I forgot. You guys have a rug. You got a flying rug. Oh, yeah. Chip has that, right? Yeah. And we got the glass orb.

And then the blue crystal earring, I think, is Elga has that. Elga had that. And then Barney has his ear horn. And a walking cane. And a cane. The alchemist's cane, right? Yeah. So you get ready to go and the mummy stops you for just a second and says, You all would stand out a little too easily among Karkusukans.

Perhaps the first order of business should be to travel to Bohniche Bazaar to get the tattoos, obviously temporary ones, and any necessary equipment. That way you don't stand out as much.

And it will allow you to move about more easily. That's a good call. And can we get any of these linens from the fellows down there that we heard? Use those? Are those helpful? You probably want your own from Banish. Fresh ones. Exactly. I got a roll of teepee paper. You carry that on you at all times? All the time. Right here in the old fanny pack. There.

Finny for the Finny. You don't want to get caught out in the field with a mud butt. I'll tell you that much. It's mud with two Ds. Ha ha ha.

Felicitations, my foul-smelling friends. Did you know Stinky Dragon has a soundtrack you can listen to right now? Go listen to it anywhere you listen to music. I guarantee it's on there. Just search for Tales from the Stinky Dragon. You can jam along to the music we use in our episodes. Great news, stinkers. The Stinky Dragon dice will be available on August 4th to everyone in the Rooster Teeth store. These sold out super quick at RTX, so get them while you can August 4th at store.roosterteeth.com.

All right. So you all are going to need to travel through the crowded city, but you need to, you know, try to keep a low profile while you do that on your way to Bonita Bazaar. So, you know, we need to do like a group check to see if you all are able to successfully navigate without being discovered. I want to point out that Chip has a disguise kit. So if that offers any sort of advantage or... Yeah, you'll get advantage on that check then. Okay. So I guess...

Everyone make a deception check. Chip, you get it at advantage. That's a 20. 21. 23. All right, Barney, your turn. Five. 20, 21, 23, five. I think collectively we pass. He said, yeah, disadvantage sucks. Well, no, it's deception, so he doesn't have disadvantage. That was just his regular role. He has disadvantage on stealth.

-Ah. -After your experience in Atro City, having to move discreetly, y'all are getting better at it. So you're able to navigate the city, you know, using guidance from the mummy. You make your way past the sandstone ruins and pass through an archway into the sprawling city of Kharkasuk. Every sandy street is congested with locals dressed in linen garb going about their day.

As you pass through a neighborhood, you take note that there don't seem to be any children running through the streets. The mummy chimes in, "There is no need for offspring in our city. After all, Karkasuken lives span many, many years before they pass on to the afterlife." You continue onward, crossing a sandstone bridge across a wide flowing canal.

The wide open landscape narrows partially into a canyon. You notice a sign that reads, "Bohniche Bazaar." Everyone roll a perception check. Elga, you probably stand out a little bit in this here crowd.

- Maybe I'm just a very short older person. - Seven. - 16. - 22. - 21. - Chip, a gentle breeze drifts by and you are immediately bombarded with a myriad of aromas. Saffron, cinnamon, honey, and myrrh. - Who farted? - They're lovely, but it's really starting to give you a little bit of a headache. - Somebody toted.

Mateed, your ears are filled with the constant chatter of haggling and commotion of footsteps echoing off the canyon walls. You survey your surroundings and see stall after stall of vendors peddling their wares from weapons to clothing to knickknacks. Barney and Elga, amongst the markets you spot a booth offering tattoos. You wonder if maybe they offer temporary tattoos. Furthermore, as you're considering which market to visit first, you hear something odd.

A cough. You know, not unusual to most folks, but to amongst folks with everlasting life, it's kind of an oddity. Hmm. Is the cough coming from someone inside the store? Yeah, they're in the market. In the market, sorry. Yeah. I want to make sure you're picturing, like, it's kind of an open market. You're not, like, in one specific, like, store. Open-air market kind of. Yeah. Lots of different stalls, you know, selling various things. What do you guys want to do? Maybe.

Maybe we should first get those tattoos, you know, have them on right away so that if people question us, we could just show them that we belong. Maybe they practice the art of henna. It's like a permanent semi. It's like, well, it's temporary, but it's more permanent than usual temporary. That was good. That was good. That was good, Blaine. Just a word sniff. Yeah.

Yeah Okay Uh could I go walk up to the tattoo person section?

Yeah, there's a sign at the tattoo stall that reads ESO's ink. It's ISO. ESO reeks of rosemary and brimstone. That's a lovely smell. Welcome. You smell so good. Oh, thank you. It's a custom fragrance I made myself. So I hear that you give the tattoos that people in the city have, but, you know...

I'm so indecisive that I'm trying to figure out what a nice place is. Me and my friends, you know, we're all indecisive. Is there a way you could do like a temporary one so we could try it out for a little bit to see in case we want to permanently put it there? Make a charisma check. Oh, no. Elga's got the Riz. Nope, Eldica does not. I think it's you. You're the one who's the Riz of the party. I am the Riz. I rolled an 18. You did. 18 is a good roll. That's Rizzy. I only have a plus one on that, so...

I think we can accommodate that. We have a couple of different tattoos I can offer. Either an illuminator's tattoo or a masquerade tattoo. I could potentially make it so it's temporary. I'm specifically looking for like a tattoo that's brown and it's a sigil with like two swords and an eye on it. Oh, of course. Everyone knows that tattoo around here. Yes.

But I can make it any design you want. Well, that one I think is the one that we all have our eye on.

I'm not mistaken. You know, it's a bachelor party and we're all just wanting to get matching tattoos. We're feeling a little goofy. Had a couple drinks. You don't want a butterfly. Are you sure? No, although I am interested in another tattoo. Separate, permanent. This is Carol as a heart. We can talk about that later. A pizza cutter. She does love the pizza.

Pizza. Info checking to make sure I understood you correctly, Gus, when you were giving this information. The double-sided scimitar is a symbol of... What was it exactly again? The citizenship. The carcassic? It is citizenship? Okay. Yeah, the citizenship, the carcassic, yeah. Okay, well, where do people typically get it? There's no one common place. I've tattooed arms, legs, backs, foreheads.

Second foreheads? Maybe just the arm. I'll get mine on the back of my hand. That way, whenever someone says, are you sure you know this place? And I can say, oh, I know it like the back of my hand. And then I say, whoa, whoa, who put that there? I have a question. Yeah? I got a few barriers of entry for tattoos. Nah. One, I'm feathered. And two, I'm a ghost. What?

They go to tattoo you and it just goes right through you. I mean, I am, you know, corporeal to a degree, but do I have pores? Can you do it on your beak or something? Oh, there are special inks that apply magic tattoos. Okay. Can you tattoo a cat? What do you want, like your driver's license number?

No, I was thinking about Jacques. Jacques needs to blend in as well. I feel like Jacques is going to have to lay low for this mission. Matide has an overhead scarf. Jacques is in the little hood of the scarf on my shoulder, crouching and kind of hiding. That's often where Jacques likes to hang. Crouching Matide, hidden Jacques? Yep. Is he giving you like a little back neck massage? Yeah, he's making biscuits back there. He's making biscuits back there. It's the best. Okay, so Chip, you wanted it on the back of one of your hands. Which hand, left or right? Oh, we'll go with the left hand.

Elga, I don't know if you ever said where you wanted it. I'll get it on my forearm, on the inside of my forearm. Which arm? The right one. Okay. It's not trick questions, by the way. I'm just like curious so we know. Just for details, yeah. Yeah, for flavor text. Like where is it going? Barney or Mateed? I guess like back of forearm. The inside of your forearm? Yeah, the inside. Chip, if you don't mind grabbing one end of my... Pulling the skin. It's a lot of skin.

I pull his sleeve up and realize he is completely tatted up. Like Barney's got a full sleeve. I don't remember getting those. That's very good. Just to verify, I think you were holding up your left hand, Chris, for Barney? Okay. Yeah.

Okay. Is that where the other ones had it? The two of... I think I said it was on their right arm, and I was thinking like their upper arm. I'll do my right arm then. Okay. Yeah. Mateed goes for... I like the backs of your palm thing, so Mateed mimics Chip. Same hand as well as Chip? Opposite. I'm a trinciter. 20 silver each.

Oh. Yikes. It's okay, guys. It's my bachelor party, wink. Tattoos are on the house. Oh, nice. What's copper to silver? They're on you. How much? So one silver is 10 copper. I have so much copper. So that was 20 each, 80. 800. 800 copper. Would that be right? Yeah. Okay. Oh, you're so sweet, Chip. You pay for a tattoo?

Yeah, yeah gang. Yeah your friends so sweet paying in all copper. Thank you Yeah, I was gonna say it's all pennies. Hey, here's a little tip for you, and then I give him one additional copper piece Necessarily even the custom here, you know, I'm a big shot. What can I say? Thanks, big spender. No, my name's chip. So we get our tattoos. Yeah, I

Okay. You each get temporary tattoo. Everyone said temporary, right? Everyone gets a temporary tattoo. Yeah. And you're still out and about in Bownish Bazaar. Where was that cough coming from? Make a

- Perception check. - D to D to D to 16. - It seems like it was coming from a customer at one of the stalls, like three stalls over from where you are. - I walk over and stand next to them as though I'm browsing next to them and do a little bit of side-eye. - Okay. Just seems to be a citizen. That doesn't look too different from one of the people that you were fighting who were trying to bury the mummy earlier, you know, wrapped up kind of stiff humanoid. - But aren't those the bad people? - Possibly.

The Hordum. Why would they be the Hordum? If they look like the people that were burying the mummy. But they are coughing. Yeah. I cough next to them. People don't really seem to take too much note of it. Okay. Welcome to Jade's Jars. How may I help you? The vendor of this stall has locked eyes with you, Mateed, smiling a big smile at you with teeth made out of various metals. Cool. Pretty cool.

Cool wings you got there, friend. Jesus, this guy is a bit aggressive. What wares am I seeing in front of me? By the way, if you want to make me uncomfortable in public and you're like a worker at a place, do this. Don't acknowledge my existence when I'm shopping. It makes me want to jump into a hole. What can I help you with? Everything's 20% off today. And if you go in the back, there's a sale rack.

Can I help you, lady? You look strong enough to save a child's life. Do you want to sign up for this thing? John, you and I, I think, are the same at this. I just want to be invisible. In front of Jaid, you see various jars laid out. I've got various blessings that can be available to you for low, low prices. Are they jars of clay? No, you look at them, and they're jars, and they each appear to have, like, a different...

that's on the top, like a stopper for the jars. You got peanut butter and or jelly? Oh, you're there too, Chip?

This is just Chip poking out from behind Matit's wings. I'll sign up for whatever you want. One of them's a crocodile, there's a jackal, there's a falcon, and there's a baboon. You can buy them or you can trade. Let's make a deal. What do they do? Each of these babies has a different purpose. The crocodile here, if you open or break this, you receive a blessing of the crocodile. Metagame perspective, it would give you advantage on strength-based checks. Ooh.

This baby here is the jar of the jackal. If you open or break this, you get a blessing of the jackal. Which would increase your AC by three for a minute. For a minute? Yeah, that's like 10 rounds of combat. Is there a blessing of a donkey in there? You also don't need food or drink to sustain yourself. Are you here also talking to him, Chip? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Oh, he locks eyes with you and says, where'd you get that? Get what? He's pointing at the rug. That's my rug.

That's part of my missing shipment. You need to give me that back. Did you steal that? Dip, you just had this out in the open.

Disengage. I want to leave. I want to leave. No, no, no. Where are you going? That's my rug. You need to give that back. Nothing says innocence like running away after an accusation. I don't see your name on it. This is my rug. I bought it back in Groteth. Oh, Chip is lying. Yeah, I am. I'm going to roll this dice. Yeah, make a deception check. That is a...

What'd you roll? What was the base number before modifiers? What was it? What was it, Chip? Was that a one? Was that a one? That was a critical fail. Look at the tag on that rug. It says property of J.E. Don't it? Gee willikers, it does say that. Here you go. I am so sorry. Oh my gosh, what an oopsie daisy. It seems that our friend was able to return your rug. It is so fortuitous. Perhaps you could give him one of the jars. Yeah!

- Yeah, I appreciate that. Thank you for being such an upright person. Despite that face you have, you are welcome to take any jar you want. - All right, so there's Jackal, Crocodile. - I also have the Jar of the Falcon, which gives you the blessing of the Falcon.

It cures you of poisons, disease, and curses, and gives you resistance against poison damage. Lastly, we have the Jar of the Baboon, which gives you the Blessing of the Baboon. And increases your movement speed by 20 feet, and you gain a climbing speed of 20 feet as well. I want the Baboon one. Does it make my butt red? Here you go, friend. A fair trade for an honest devil like you. All right.

Isn't Chip like bright, like pink already? He's purple. Purple. I'm purple. Blessing of the baboon. It's the jar of the baboon. Burning around there. If you join up with him. And I am relinquishing my magic carpet. All right. All right.

Honestly, I'm glad to get rid of it because it was stressing me out knowing like it was like on me somehow, but not in like a good looking way. And like, I don't know. I think you're the only person in D&D history to care what you look like while carrying a very useful item. Just a big old carpet. What am I doing to this thing? I'm a stealth guy. That allows you to fly.

Yeah, you know, I am interested in the jackal. Ooh, what do you have for trade? I hold out my orb of direction and I go, is this of any interest to you? Ooh, orb of direction. A very sought after device. Yes, I'll gladly trade you for the jar of the jackal. I'm suspicious that he was so keen to take that immediately without any haggling by my friend Gustavo Sorolla.

What do you mean? He just wants to make a deal. No, I don't trust when Gus is like, yeah, totally. Out of curiosity, how much for just a monetary exchange for these jars? Jar of the Jackal. I can let that go for 10 gold.

Jesus. That rug must have been very valuable to him. It was a flying rug, yeah. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I'm gonna buy it. I'm gonna buy it. Ten gold? Yeah. Alright. Ten gold, and you get to keep your orb of direction. Yeah, I'm gonna keep my orb of direction. I have a question. Is there perhaps a stall here who could... I could turn in some precious stones for money, perhaps? No place like that, because most vendors will trade with you directly for the gems if that's what you're keen on. Understood. Okay.

I will take ten gold out of my inventory and add me a jar of Jackal. Yep. How about a weapons guy? Any weapons dudes here? Oh, you want to talk to Nina and Alexandra. Okay.

Jaiid points across the walkway there to another stall that's just across. Can I hold up my jar in the direction of the person who coughed and try to get a better look at this person? I'm just like, they coughed. You said they don't cough in a place where people are immortal. I'm curious about this individual, and I want a better look as I look like I'm looking at my jar. That's smart. I'll say while you were engaged with Jaiid talking about the jar and the orb, that person moved on and is no longer standing at that stall.

Where are they headed? Yeah, could you see where they went? Could Matiz see? No, they just disappeared into the throng of people walking in the marketplace. You guys, I'm worried that this is a bad person amongst the crowd who might try to stir up some bad things. Is there a D&D version of Craigslist Missed Connections? Can we do something like that?

Believe me, I tried it with Carol and it ain't working so good. I was large Eric Corcoran with smelled like croissants. You were coughing. I was your tiefling husband. Your name is Carol. I miss you dearly. Please come back to my arms. I miss you.

You want to go there? Yeah. Are all four of you going over there? Yeah, I'll go. All four of you walk over to Nina and Alexandra's armory. There's two shopkeepers, Alexandra and Nina, obviously. They both have scars all over their bodies, and they have an array of weapons laid out in front of them. Yeah. What do you want? Oh, Nina and Alexandra, good to... Oh, your reputation precedes you. The best arms dealer in this side of the pyramid. What do we got for us? What do you got, huh? Hmm.

- Mm-hmm. - Laid out in front of them, you see an ax, a scimitar, a staff, and a sling. - Ooh. - Could we see if the scimitar looks at all like the one that is missing from the mummy? - The gold one? - The mummy, you know, is with you and does not seem interested. This does not catch her eye. So you don't think it's the same one. - Are these magical or enchanted in any way? - Each of these items has their own special use.

Can you elaborate? Depends. Which one are you asking about? Do I have to go through the whole menu for you? Yeah, sure. I'd like a tasting menu.

Here we go. It's going to be one of those days, hmm? Okay, here we go. We got the Axe of the Scarab here, a well-known axe that helps improve your martial prowess. It makes unhittable foes easier to hit. Elga's eyes widen. Also, if you let the axe fly, you can recall it to your hand. Oh, like a boomer axe.

Elga, Elga, you get that. Is it called Yorn Bjorn? Additionally, if you're the target of a spell, you may use your reaction to counter that spell with the axe. Dang. How much is this axe? For a pretty girl like you, I'm sure we can come up with a deal, whether it's money or a trade of some kind. Oh. Oh, maybe a trade. What are you willing to take for it? Well, what could be of interest to us?

Oh, well, so many things. May I offer you two hand axes? Two for the price of one? These aren't just any two hand axes. These are the hand axes of the blood spire. Oh, they're so powerful. They're the most powerful. Yes, many generations they have been passed down and have done very...

Aggressive damage to many foes. Yeah, I've seen this small innocent looking child wield these things. Entire armies fall into her feet. Oh, the humanity. Chip, make a deception check. I got you, Elga. That's an 18. That's my boy, Chip. Elga, you make a persuasion check. Okay.

So good. These axes. 15. God, y'all actually rolled nothing. 15, 18. How's this going to work out, Gus? Alexandra, you know, picks up the axes and, you know, kind of runs her finger over the blade, like testing the sharpness and says, These don't look necessarily of higher quality, but you say these are axes of the blood spire? Yes.

Yas, yeah. Blood spire. Blood, oh, that's the one. And they've been passed down through your family for generations? So many generations, yes. We lost track of the generations. Hundreds and thousands of years. Fine, it's a deal.

Fantastic. Okay, so I will remove both hand axes from my inventory. Careful, those are dangerous. I know, one false move and I could take down the whole bazaar. Yeah, and you can add axe of the scarab, Elka. All right, Nina and Alexandra, tell us what else you got. I want to hear the rest of these. We also have the Kopesh of the Desert Tempest. This is the weapon that looks like a scimitar, by the way. This...

Kopesh is stormforged, so it helps you strike at difficult-to-hit enemies. Additionally, it is imbued with the power of lightning as well. When you score an exceptional hit with this weapon, your foes have a chance of becoming stunned. Is the lightning loud when you hit it, or could it be like stealth lightning? Ha ha ha!

I don't think it's really stealthy. What if I traded you one axe of the scarab for that? The lightning isn't very loud, but it's a very bright flash, so it's difficult to contain that. Sure. One would almost think that following the lightning might come a thunderous sound after using it. Maybe that's the scabbard. Is the scabbard a thunder? You gonna buy this?

Nope, I'm looking at the sling. I'm looking at the sling as well, I'm curious. We have the Staff of Candor. It's a magical staff, of course. While holding it, you get improvements on your spell. If you're a spellcaster, you get a bonus for your checks to determine whether or not someone's attempting to deceive you. Additionally, if you're pure of heart, you can use a spell zone of truth once per long rest.

Oh, that sounds like a fun little stick. Gross. How much for that? It would go great with your kind eyes, old man. Well, that's very nice of you to say. Do you want to trade or buy it? How much money would it be?

Alexandra and Nina, you know, whisper for a little bit back and forth. We can let that go for 15 gold. 15 gold, okay. And what if I threw in a limited edition, a scroll of a dragon's body? No, not the scroll of the dragon's body. That's, it passed down from generation to generation. No, not just that. I also have this I Survived Teanex shirt.

Oh, the ancient ice servant teenage shirt. The one that's so valuable, you can sell it for so many gold on eBay. Oh. The three of you not counting Mateed make deception checks.

Mateed is not participating, although you kind of wish Mateed was because Mateed's got pretty good modifiers for deception. That's a nine. Sorry, Bernie. Eight. Oh, all single digits. All single digits. I rolled a one plus three is four. You used up all your good juju by getting that axe. That's okay. It's affordable. If Bernie needs help, I can offer a loan. This...

was overprinted. I think they're being used as insulation for housing now in Atro City. Well, it's certainly hot here. They don't know what they're missing. Well, I also have this gemstone that's worth at least 50 or 60 gold. Ooh.

Ooh, perhaps we can make a trade with that. You might even end up with a little extra coin in your pocket. That sounds lovely. Yeah, if you want to trade that, then just take the balance in gold and you can add that to your inventory. Oh, there you go. So it was 15? Yeah. So if it's worth 50, then you get 35 gold as well from the exchange. And it's called the Staff of Candor, C-A-N-D-O-R. The Sling! Lastly here, we have the Sling of Sandstorms.

It's enchanted with a desert's eye, which helps you hit difficult to hit foes. It can activate certain charges as well as allow you to either increase some of your force damage or potentially create a whirlwind of course and around you. This causes your foes to struggle to stay on their feet. I like this. If your foes fall, they become blinded and take damage. Blame me likey.

I know. Ah, Mateed, and it's got like a whole wind thing that just fits your vibe. It would go great with your scarf, which is very, very fetching, by the way. Oh, merci beaucoup. Yes, I'm interested in this thing. How much for it in just pure gold? Just gold? Hmm. We can let this go for 15. Okay. Okay.

I also have a very... Do you have something passed down from generations that's very valuable? No, I do not. So many generations. Nope, that's not what we are doing right now. Thousands of years they have searched for what Matilda has. Just a hand comes over Elga's face and just gets pushed back into the sand. Don't do that again!

I have also a valuable gemstone that I would like to exchange for, and if you could give me back the remainder, that would be wonderful. Absolutely. We're happy to trade in gems here. Great. Mine's worth 100 gold. Ooh. Okay, yeah. Then you can trade that in. You get the item and 85 gold back. And it was called the Sling of Derudo Sandstorm. Okay.

I'm feeling a little bit of envy here. Everyone's got these cool new toys and you got a jar. Did you get a jar? I got a jar, but it's not, it's not a weapon. And I am the probably least, uh, damage dealing member of this team, but I'm glad for everyone. I'm happy. The sling was obviously a perfect fit for my deed. Do you got any like stealthy weapons? Like any, like, Oh, the knife, uh,

of a thousand silent sorrows. The knife of how to find my wife. Oh, yes. The compass of finding my loved one. My knife. Very nice. There it is. We found it. We found the joke. Surely you have a back room with your most precious and coolest weapons, huh? Unfortunately, all we have is what you see in front of you. Wish we had something you like, sir.

Chip, it seems like there are two hand axes up there that are very rare. I am not strong enough to deal the blood spires. So the scimitar, what is the scimitar? Just real quick, run me through the scimitar and like the meta stats. There's a lightning one.

It's a plus one bonus to attack rolls. On a hit, you deal an additional 1d4 lightning damage. If you score a critical hit, your target makes a constitution saving throw. If they fail, they're stunned until the end of their next turn. So what's the damage? 1d6 slashing plus 1d4 lightning. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know. Maybe I should do that because my arm blade is 1d8 plus 2. So it's like, it's pretty close. I don't know. Gang, what do you think? Do you think I should go? Get it? This one also does, like I said, have a plus 1 to attack rolls as well, which I don't think your arm blade has currently.

No. I don't know, gang. Get it. I mean, I always go by the classic phrase, offrez-vous, which is often translated as treat yourself. All right, well, as my feathered friend here said, vavlebleu! Hey, let's make a trade. I think you just said something very offensive in my language. Oh, shit.

Forgiveness. Okay, so in my many journeys across the land, I've discovered crazy things. Crazy things. Things you wouldn't believe. Oh, are we trading a story? Somehow everything has gone dark and there's a spotlight on Chip. Visiting the scary area. It was area 52 or 15? 15.

Matit stands behind Chip and starts gusting up some wind to make it all mysterious. The wretched land of Area 15. I came across a food so horrifying and powerful. I am one of the only ones to take it with me on my travels. May I present to you the green screaming lollipops. I have three of them. Very rare item. Barney runs off afraid.

I forgot you had those. Three lollipops. We don't get to see those very often around here. You may never see them unless you visit Theria 15. You know, we could trade those and some gold. We could discount the price a little bit with these. You could trade these and 10 gold.

Yeah, what the heck? That sounds like a fair deal. What's copper to gold? It says it in D&D Beyond. Okay, so you said 10. So, okay, here we go. Here's 700 copper. So that takes care of seven gold. And then silver, so 30 silver? I offer 300 copper. Okay.

I want this all copper. I offer 300 copper. Okay. Oh, thanks, I guess. Be careful with those lollipops. Heed my warning. Alexandra scribbles a sign that says scary lollipops and puts them...

On the table. For 400 gold. What's the thing called again? The scimitar? It's the Khopesh of the Desert Tempest. It's K-H-O-P-E-S-H. We all got new weapons. Shopping montage. Hey, hey, you guys, come over here. Come shop over here. Who's saying that? The vendor at the next stall over is pointing at you, trying to wave you all over with kind of a mangled hand.

I'll walk over. Welcome to Rin's Rags. We can outfit you with really high-quality guts. Oh, we need rags. I know the place is called Rin's Rags, but these are high-quality vestments. It's an insult to call them merely rags. And why did you name your shop Rin's Rags if you didn't want us to call them rags? Oh, it's alliteration, you know? People like that. Oh, yeah.

Oh yeah. Yeah, but the PR, let's talk about that, you know. Like I said, he waved you over with kind of a mangled hand. It looks like it was crushed at some point and just never amputated. It's kind of gross looking. And he's got a few different items laid out in front of him. Boy, do we know someone who could fix that hand up and replace it with another one.

Are you making a reference to kyborg? No, how we... Frankenstein. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who is kyborg? He sounds cool. He sounds kooky and fun. I killed him in a past life. Oh. Okay.

Is the hand, like, can I try and mend it? I think mend is for non-biological items. Yeah, I don't know, but, like, it's not, I don't know. Yeah, mending's for, like John said, like inanimate objects. It's like Hermione casting Oculus Reparo. Well, if you ever need a new hand, there's a whole, like, little place with the water, and then there's some hands in there that I think are up for grabs, no pun intended. Oh, this thing? Oh.

I forget about it all the time. We should stop fixating on this person's disability. Do we need rags to, like, blend in, right? Yes. We are actually in the market for some new apparel. This is perfect. How much for a full outfit to make us look, like, as beautiful as the locals? Run-of-the-mill outfit like that is a five copper.

Oh. Oh. Wow. That is the bulk of Rin's Rags business. However, we do have some special merchandise if you're looking for anything else. Oh, dang. We got more time for shopping? If you want. All right. What is the specialist of the merchandise you offer, Rin? Okay, I'll show you my four most special items. You're going to love them.

- Four, perfect. The perfect number. - I have here the wrappings of the antique. - They look like wrappings that you put around your hand. - While wearing these, you become stronger against necrotic damage and you age half as fast as normal. - Oh, I might need that.

If you attack while wearing these, you can use an action to attempt to wrap one creature near you with them by making an unarmed strike. If you're successful, your target is grappled. Until the grapple ends, your target is restrained. Additionally, you can use a bonus action to drain a creature you grappled, and any damage you do, you regain its life. I like this. That's cool. Let's see what's the rest. Let's just get the whole package. Spill the beans there. Let's taste it all. Ha ha ha!

I also have the Robe of Serpents. It's a stylish silk garment, very popular amongst the wealthy nobles and retired assassins. This robe is emblazoned with stylized serpents, all of which are brightly colored. You can transform one of the robe's serpents into a giant poisonous snake.

The snake falls from the robe, slithers an axe alongside you, it can identify your friends from your foes, and it attacks your foes for ya. Amazing, right? By the way, Chip has perked up like a meerkat. Unfortunately, once a snake has detached from the robe, it can't really return to the robe. It will dismiss into a harmless puff of smoke in about, you know, an hour.

Is it like once per long rest that I get it? How many snakes are on it? There are... Tell me there's not a finite amount of snakes. Seven snakes on it. Are you kidding me? What? There's ammo? Oh my gosh. How do I refill my snakes? Once they're gone, they're gone. No way to refill them.

I mean, who needs more than seven giant poisonous snakes anyways? An assassin! A guy that kills for a living, who's on a desperate search for his wife. That could be anybody, though. Not necessarily anyone here that you're talking to in the moment. Yeah, I don't know why I'm getting all riled up. You're right, Matita, or Elga. I'm so sorry. Continue. I also have Eyes of Minuteseed.

These are crystal lenses that can fit over your eyes. While wearing them, you can see much better than normal, out to a range of about one foot, and you have advantage on investigation checks that rely on sight while scanning an area or studying an object.

That's cool. Some people here could use help with investigation. Okay, lastly I have the Scarf of the Sightless. You can put the scarf over your eyes to gain tremor sense out to 15 feet. While the scarf is worn this way, you are deaf and blind with irregard to your other senses.

What is tremor state? Tremor sense is like you can pinpoint the origin of vibrations within, in this case, 15 feet. It's like kind of a way to see and identify things within 15 feet of you. So say we were like in a situation where none of us can see, I guess. Yeah, it's a...

Like Daredevil. Or if you're blind. If you're blind and deaf, maybe. It's Daredevil. Because we've gotten blinded before. This would be on purpose. How much for the hand wraps? The wrappings of Antique are 15 gold. If that is all right with the rest of you, I would love to buy these items. Yes, go for it. I was not... I did not have my eye on this one.

If that's the case, what I'm looking at. Mateed already has like a nice little wrapping kind of a motif going on with some of their fashion. So this kind of just works with it. Well, it's also like you're a monk, right? Yeah. So it's like, yeah, it's like fisticuffs. Rin turns his focus back to you, Chip, and says, perhaps you could find a mage somewhere in the world who could re-imbue the road with serpents?

I don't know about these things, but I know it's possible. It's as if a higher power just told you that and you're now implementing this change on the go. Interesting. Buy them. How much are the snake boxers? It's a robe. It's not boxers. But what if I like my shouldy? It's a shirt and a hoodie. You know, should he wear it? Should he not? 15 gold.

How about trades? You guys like to trade. Mmm, I love trades. What do you have? Oh, oh. Come with me on a journey, if you will, to a scary land filled with dragon bones. Dragon bones. Oh, it's so scary. Trees, twisted and wretched and evil looking. Very sticky. So, so sticky. Very sticky, yes.

Here is a jar of treacle sap. Oh, be careful. You have the weirdest stuff in your inventory. Yeah, I always think of Chris as being the one who collects all the weird things in the campaign, but really it's Chip apparently. The screaming lollipops were going to be a distraction, but, you know, whatever, didn't get to that. And then the treacle sap is to make someone stick in place during combat, but this is all like homebrew crap. Use it, use it.

The treacle sap. Parentheses sticky. Treacle sap. It can be difficult to acquire treacle sap. There is some value in this. Rin seems to be somewhat familiar with it. I can give you, let's say, 10 gold worth of credit for this treacle sap.

Oh, only 10 gold. I suppose so. I can part ways with it. Talk about treacle sap. You didn't hear that. You didn't hear me say that. Okay. So I pay five gold left? Yeah, and get rid of that sap. I do wonder if there's ever a time the sap would have come in handy for us to climb something that we need to do. Nah. Nah. Nah.

And then 50 silver is five gold, right? Yes. Okay. I'm so sorry. I ran out of copper, so I'm going to have to give you silver. That's okay. That's fine. Spins just the same. That's a lot of coins. Anybody else want anything? I would like the lenses.

for the eyes unless you Barney wanted this no no we could share I don't think breaking them in half would be any good yeah that's true you get one I get one just do that little heterochromia 15 gold if that's something that interests you how about 10 she's just flat out bartering now I love it make a persuasion check you know I

I think 15 actually sounds pretty good. What'd you roll? A one. Plus? Plus one. Yeah. 15 is as low as I can go on.

Okay. I also, in my inventory, I forget if I changed these into money already, but in my inventory, I have two gemstones worth 50 gold pieces. I don't think you did. Okay. So I'll give one of those and then get the... 35. This is not turning out too bad. I like this town. It's a good town. Yeah. Got the robe of serpents. Yeah. And I'm going to turn them into boxers. I guess I'll get this...

What was the fourth item? Scarf of the Sightless. I'll take the blind man's scarf. Oh, yeah. Quality item. Scarf of the Sightless could be yours for 15 gold. Would you accept 12? Make a persuasion check. 14. Let's see what Rin's roll is. Bad roll. Bad roll. 19. That's a good roll. No, I have to be pretty firm on the price at 15.

50. Okay. Bye-bye. Do you walk away? Did Barney just leave? Yeah, as if you're not buying it. No, no, I bought it. Sorry. He didn't say bye-bye. Like, I'm walking from the deal. Or unless he's saying bye-bye, like... Oh, yeah. That was a good tactic, though. If he just kind of walks away, it's what you do, you know? 15 gold.

Scarf of the Silas. Okay. What color is the scarf? It's modeled. It's like got purple and blue and green colors on it. Ooh, very fetching. We also have to get like regular garments too. Oh yeah. Yeah. I think y'all were going to, Rin offered them for five copper a piece. Yeah. Yeah. Green, silk,

Because I'm purple, so I want to look like one Barney the Dinosaur or Unit 1 from Evangelion. Well, they're not silk. They're linen and green. Yeah, I've got some green linen. Neato. I'll take it. Five copper. Here you go. Five copper. Thank you. Oh, God. Are you okay? Suddenly, you hear someone to your left start to hack and wheeze uncontrollably.

Then another person to your right screams at the sight of their arms and legs swelling with warts and boils. One after another, more people in the crowd start to either cough or swell until... Spilling out of people's throats are cankered frogs riddled with warts and boils. One after another, diseased frogs leap forth from people's mouths and quickly grow in numbers. One hops near your feet, and with one final croak, it explodes. Boom!

Find out what happens on the next episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. The plague.

Thanks for listening, everybody. We'll be back next week with another episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon, maybe with frogs. Ribbit. This episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon was produced by Ben Ernst, written, edited, and composed by Micah Reisinger, with additional editing work by David Saunier. This week's Arrow question was submitted by Odin's Keeper on Reddit. Thanks, Odin's Keeper. Here's a quick shout-out for folks that interacted with us on social media recently. Here's some NPCs named after them in this very episode. Ryder Rajad, aka The Mummy, named after user Ryda7s on Reddit.

HiLectorMishNomer, named after at Mr. UnderscoreMishNomer on Twitter. JaidTheJarMaker, named after at GraceJaid on Twitter. NinaAndAlexandraTheKindArmorers, named after at LilaKlupin630 on Twitter. RinTheRagMaker, named after at J10Shanu2Konoko on Instagram. Get a shorter name, at J10Shanu2Konoko. And IsoTheInkArtist, named after user Izotope8.

3 6 on reddit also want to give a special thanks to some friends who provided voiceover for characters in this episode writer rajad voiced by hannah mccarthy at hi hello underscore hannah jayet the jar maker voiced by cameron hay at cameron hay films nina and alexandra the kind armorers voiced by sarah weems at sarah k weems rin the rag maker voiced by cody hawkins at hot hand hawkins

iso the ink artist voiced by braylon calhoun at bray calhoun tune in next time for another thrilling episode of tales from the stinky dragon