C02 - Ep. 01 - Arrested in Attro City - The Arrest Is History
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This podcast is supported by FX's English Teacher, a new comedy from executive producers of What We Do in the Shadows and Baskets. English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job, while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

This is a Rooster Teeth production. Good evening, all you Aboleths. Swim on into the stinky dragon. Drink up our latest java. Black forecast coffee. It's a mixture of freshly brewed trench roast coffee, choc-cloud syrup,

Charmed cherry juice topped with tail whipped cream and chalk cloud shavings. One swig of the psychical swill, you'll find the telepath of least resistance in no time. Now, bring over a brew and buckle up because it's time for us to begin this beastly bedtime tale. Ha!

Gus, are you okay? Yeah. What's going on? When I was a little kid. He wants to suck our blood. I was scared of the Vincent Price monologue in Thriller. Yeah. It's creepy. I would have to like cover my ears or skip it because it was like, it was just, it was too scary for me as a little kid. That laugh too. Oh my God. The laugh. Like it would give me nightmares. I have no idea what you guys are talking about. Vincent Price was a very famous old actor and he, uh, he had a very recognizable voice, did a lot of horror stuff, was known for that genre.

You know, I am legend. Yeah. He was in a movie that was...

The original I Am Legends. But not a Mega Man. That helps. Because that was Charlton Heston. I thought you were going to tell me something about the actual I Am Legends. Anyways. Anyway, if you listen to thrillers, there's a spooky monologue in it, and that was Vincent Price. Vincent Price is like Will Smith, but from the 40s. Yep. No? No? No. Okay. I was going to say, Gus, someone's going to listen to you do that monologue and think that you are just as scary. You're going to be someone's nightmares. Yeah. Another one. So we're doing, this is the kickoff for our new campaign. Premiere. Woo!

We're recording from the red carpet! Click, click, click, click. As such, we would like to have all of you, our four players, introduce yourselves and your character. Like, you know, just what your name is and who you're playing. Are we in like a wagon or are we just talking into the void? This is meta. Meta. This is the opening graphics of a Pokemon game. Hi, what's your name? Are you a boy or a girl?

What's your name? Oh, you're going for me. Oh, yeah. What is his name? Your name. Your name. Oh, wait, like my character's name or me? Both. Oh. Do both. Is this your first podcast? This is the first podcast Blaine has ever done. I'm Blaine. Gibson, do you want my middle name? Yeah. Mark.

No. No. No. That's what dads do. What is your middle name? No, don't give middle names. Go on. No, I can't. That's like security questions. How did you mess this up, Lane? I don't know. Do we want to restart? Yeah.

Okay. Hi, I'm Blaine Gibson. Last season, I played Kyborg the Mighty, but this season I'm switching it up and I'm going to go with a very chipper tiefling. His name's Chip Haney. He's just a righteous dude. Very friendly. The nicest guy yet ever did meet. Do you want to know his backstory or do you want that delivered in the universe? No, no, no. We'll worry about it. We'll get to that as the campaign goes. I think what you said...

uh will suffice okay now if anybody else wants to do that and take like a quarter of the time that would be great uh sure my name is john reisinger and i will be playing uh matty confucius say what have fun first name is matty and uh they are an aracocra monk what's an aracocra about 450 oh

I hate you. Big bird. I like missed Gus DMing, but I also did not miss Gus DMing. Now he has like authority. You know, it's the worst. I'm Chris Damaris and my character is named Barney.

And he is, I need a voice. We've all given voices. No, this is his voice. I'm working on it. And it sounds like, I am. I'm Bernie. There you go. I think you have to do the Yoda clearing throat to find your voice. And he's a human male and he's very old. He's like,

He's like definitely a senior citizen. In the class you'll be playing as Chris. He's a cleric. There you go. Okay. I have no idea what a cleric is. A holy man. Yeah. Do we not? I don't think you guys mentioned your classes. You didn't? Oh, I thought you did. I said monk. Yeah, you did. I said tiefling rogue. Tiefling rogue. Oh, yeah. Okay.

And I am Barbara Dunkelman, and I will be playing Elga von Brath. She is a female half-elf vampire barbarian. That is a mouthful. It's so terrible. Half-elf vampire barbarian. And just like Barney, she is also very old.

But looks very young. Are we allowed to ask how old? A lady never tells her age. It's a little rude. But she looks like she's 11. Hey, audience, keep in mind, our whole voice is going to change by episode four. We'll have our voices locked in for you. If you remember the way the Infinite campaign started, nobody had found their character. And Blaine will just drop his voice at episode four.

I also want to point out, if you are just joining us for the first time in Tales from the Stinky Dragon, this is the premiere of our new campaign. But we do have a previous campaign we did, which is about 85 episodes long, give or take. I think it was 86. 86? Yeah, right around there. About the tale of the Infinites. So if you...

Want to catch up on that one too? It is all available for you to listen to as well as a mini campaign we did in between that one and this one hosted by Chris Damaris. So if you're walking from the Atlantic to the Pacific coast and you need something to pass the time, listen to all 85 plus the five mini episodes. If you're here, you don't need to listen to the others. You can start. Unrelated. This is fresh. Speaking of passing the time. Yeah. I have here a list of 100 questions that were submitted online via the Stinky Dragon subreddit and Discord. And a few were added by Micah, our writer. He's sitting right over there.

They're kind of role-playing warm-up questions designed to peel back the onion of the party's characters for the audience. So each week, you know, before we dive into the tavernly tale, someone in the party will roll a D100. We'll take turns every week. And then I'll read y'all a question and everyone takes turns providing a quick answer. Let's just break the ice, huh? Yeah. So who wants to roll first? I'll roll. Yeah, roll me a D100. D100. Let's learn about Elga. Or everyone.

No, this is just you answering. No, it's everyone answering. Oh, I thought you said, no, no, no. So it's a 10 and a 3? 13. We have a question here from TinyHomoSapien on Discord who asks, what is your character's most hated smell?

I feel like I'm being targeted for that. Your character, your character. Yeah, I'll just make up stuff then. John doesn't know what smells. I think it's an obvious one. Being a vampire, I hate the smell of garlic. I actually didn't know where you were going to go there. I was like, what's the opposite of blood? Garlic, obviously. I guess so. I like that. Barney, you want to answer that? No.

I think my most hated smell.

I guess it's dead things. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got that. All right. That's a you and I differ. Chip, what about you? Oh, Chip hates the smell of bleach. It's a necessary part of the job when you're a rogue and you're doing murder and you got to do a cleanup. But it makes me, oh, it makes me want to gag. Does Chip have a pretty bad gag reflex? Oh, he's got the worst. Mati?

I would have to say that the worst smell there is, is obviously burnt bread.

As a baker myself, working at the boulangerie, I hate that smell. It's wasted, wasted potential. It is, it is a failure. Well, greetings from the world of Groteth, a dark domain ruled by what some would call monsters. Groteth is a single continent once fiercely fought over by seven monster clans. For decades, each clan took turns laying siege to the other's empire in an attempt to lay claim to the whole realm as the rightful ruler.

After nearly a century of monster blood soaking the soil, one leader arose to propose a new idea. A leader known as the Wolfmen, the Wolfmen proffered a peace treaty that would divide the land evenly into pieces amongst the seven clans, establishing settlements, borders, and trade. Unprecedented, all seven heads of the clan gathered at the center of Groteth to sign the peace treaty, thus establishing a tentative but lasting peace.

The heads of the clans were Dracula, Frankenstein, the Mummy, Blob, Nessie, the Headless Horseman, The soccer player? And of course, the Wolfman.

Fast forward to today, 113 years later, at the center of Groteth. Wait, so is this Frankenstein or Frankenstein's monster we're talking about here? Maybe we'll find out. Okay. That means he doesn't know and he's trying to cover it. Dracula, Frankenstein, Mummy, Blob, Wolfman. And who are the other two? Nessie. Nessie and the Headless Horseman. Oh, Nessie. I'm so sorry. So quick to judge. Everyone, let's go ahead and get this party started. Everyone go ahead and roll me a perception check. Okay.

Four. Fifteen. Eighteen. Oh, three. Some good ones in there. And then there's also Chip and Mateet. Chip and Mateet, your heads are swimming and you can taste dried blood on your lips. You try to open your eyes but find it difficult to see. One of your eyes feels swollen shut.

Oh, jeez. That's not you. That's not you. You're Barney. Oh, sorry. Your aching body... Barney? I forgot your own name. Your aching body stirs on what feels like a coal stone floor. You hear the clinking of metal and peer down to see your hands and feet are manacled. They're daisy-chained to three other prisoners on the floor next to you. An Elga...

You are able to gather your bearings and have a look around. You appear to be in a tall, circular stone room. You look up and see a tiny barred window high above you, trickling with water and a solid iron door to the south. You notice a few other individuals also wearing manacles in the room with you. A good thing we're not wearing monocles, you know, because then our vision would be blurry. Hi, I'm Chip Haney. Good to meet you. Was that...

Was that an attempt at a joke? Oh yeah, yeah, I'm full of jokes. Thank you! What's your name, Mr. Laughing Man? I'm Barney. Oh, Barney. Good to meet you, Chipaney. Nice to meet you. Put her there. How'd we end up here? I don't know, must have been a heck of a bender.

Uh, Matty, uh, uh, can I get up? Yeah, you go ahead and stand up. Will you four keep it down? Who said that? Keep what down? Uh, you look around and realize that there are, uh, three other prisoners in this holding cell along with you. Oh. Uh, speaking to you right now is a

You know it's an Abralean, but it's like a bulbous floating brain with a wide sharp beak and no eyes and long tentacles with sharp barbs on the tips. Never met an Australian before.

Crying. Why? Hi. Hello. Some of us are trying to rest here. Okay. Do you know how you got here? I don't remember showing up in this cell. I remember how I got here. I don't know how about you? Describe. There's two other people? Uh, yes. Can we see them? Uh.

The other two prisoners appear to be also shackled up to this one. They are both gnomes, and they seem to be talking amongst themselves, kind of trying to ignore you. Can I approach them? Or the Australian, can I approach them? The Beryllian? Yeah. He sees you approaching Matit and asks, Who are you? Hello, my name is Matit. I was wondering, sir, do you know where we are right now?

so we're in jail right now that's precisely i appreciate the as the obvious answer but any chance that you know what particular jail or city we are in right now we're in the wolfham officer four station uh sorry your nasal voice made it very hard to understand wolf wolfman wolfman wolfham officer four station also known as the wafts

You know that, presumably. Right, right. Thank you very much. What was your name again there, sir? I'm Quill. What about you? What's your name? Ah, Chipainy. Hey, how you doing? You can call me Chip off the old block because we're into clink, you know, the cell block. What are you in here for, Chip? I have no idea. I must have killed someone. That's...

That's a leap. Let's see, you know, I have a history. Do you kill so many people you don't remember? Oh, yeah. All the time. You killed someone recently? Oh, I've racked up quite the head count, yeah. I used to be an assassin. Yeah. Did we... Do you know if we came in together or if we came in separately? You all came in together. Oh. Oh.

We must be pals. Do you all know each other? I don't think so. No, we do. Never met these individuals in my life. What about you? What's your name? He points at you, Elga. My name is Elga Von Brath. Nice to meet you. What did you eat for breakfast today, Elga? Blood.

That's a good answer. Very fast. I mean, it's going to be the answer every time someone asks me what I ate. It's easy. Is there any chance that Matit can check on the door? Is it like a typical iron door, like wrought iron door, or is it like a wooden door with locks on it? It's a solid iron door. It has no handle. It seems like it has a small eye slot that is currently closed. Okay, so no way of looking out.

do I happen to have, uh, hi there, Chip Haney. Pleasure to see you. Hi, Chip. What do your feet smell like? Oh, my feet? Uh, they smell like, uh, well, I wear these special shoes, right? Cause I like to, to scooch around all quiet like, and I call them sneakers. Uh,

And they smell real bad because these are my recreational shoes. Can I smell them? Absolutely. Go right ahead there, partner. This is a very weird individual. Hey, I'm not going to yuck his yum. He puts his wide beak down near your feet. Give it a good hoof there. Oh, yeah. Disgusting. Thank you.

That means that's the smell of hard work. Do I happen to have any of my tools? I have like a small little pack that I put on my waist. I call it my fanny pack. It's got thieves tools in it. He can't leave the accent. Why? He can't leave the accent while he's talking to Gus, the DM.

I'm just talking out loud, yeah. So, are you asking the DM or are you asking the Abrelion? Call him A, call him B. Shut up. The Abrelion looks around your body, looks you up and down, and looks around your waist. Looks around your body? Yeah, like, hmm. You don't appear to have anything on you. Uh-huh.

You said there's two gnomes? Yeah. And they're trying to ignore us? Well, one of them's very angrily talking to the other. You guys okay? Oh. One of them turns around and pulls out a little shiv and points at you, Barney. Oh, yeah, stay back. Okay. Oh, I'm gonna stay back. Oh.

Is there a reason why? There's no need to get aggressive, fellas. Cool your jets. Yo, stay over there. Okay. Turns around and begins talking to the other gnome again. What language are they speaking? Gnomish. That wasn't very nice. Can I talk to... Does Barney say that? Yeah. The other gnome who's being yelled at says...

Yeah. Hey, is he always like this? Yeah. What's wrong? He just kind of shrugs his shoulders. Maybe he's just a little bit sensitive and not very happy to be in here. We all have bad days. Do you guys need anything? Yeah. I need you to stay back over there. Okay. I do not believe we got your names easier. Do you have names? Little gnomes? The second one that was being yelled at says, I'm Jack. That's Jahartan.

Jack and Jahardin. Pleasure to meet ya! Um, Mateet, make me a perception check. That's a nat 20/23. You notice that Jack is munching on some popcorn right now. And as you're watching him eat the popcorn, you realize that Jack and Jahardin look very identical. Like, really, really identical? Yeah, like, they might be twins? You don't know. I've been to the Twin Cities once or twice.

Oh man, I love it. Oh, that's great. Inspiration die right there. First one of this campaign. Uh, Jacques, is by any chance a YouTube Braziers? Oh yeah. He's munching on popcorn. That's a bit... Where did you get the popcorn? He points up at the window at the top of the cell. I'll look up at the window at the top of the cell.

Make, uh, make me, make me another perception check. We're at 23 already? And you said there was water coming in from that window, right? Correct. Yeah, and the first perception check was for the gnomes. 20. 20. Don't test me, Sorola. You're so perceptive. You don't see anything, but you can hear the bustling sound of footsteps, wagons, and various muffled conversations, uh,

coming in through the window. Could I try to climb up there? Yeah, it's about 30 feet high, but you can give it a try. You are currently manacled to these other three fine individuals. Oh, I am. So everyone would have to try to go up there together. Elga, you need a boost? Ugh.

I don't like being attached to these. Could I try to unlock myself from them? Yeah. You just want to try to, like, is there anything specific you want to do? You just want to try to, like, pull the manacles off? Well, I'm also so small that I imagine the manacles they have probably wouldn't be for children. So I imagine I could maybe wiggle my wrists out of there? Yeah, you can give it a try. Why not? I mean, make me a, if you want to wiggle, make a, like, a dexterity check. We have all of our items on us? No. Okay. That's a 20. Oh.

You know how to make your hands really small to try to get out of the manacle. But you think there's something special about it. It seems like it is...

perfectly suited for your wrist size, even though you are small in stature. A child. You're not sure if these are children's manacles or if there's something about them that allows them to shrink down to be the appropriate size for your wrist. This place is kind of messed up if they have manacles for children. I agree. Bespoke manacles for little baby hands. Any chance I can pass through them? What do you mean? I'm a ghost.

Oh, I see what you're saying. I don't think I've said that yet. I don't think you have, yeah. Sorry. That's a ghost. There's a ghost. It's okay, Barney. She's a nice ghost.

You're seeing Patrick Swayze making pattery. Pattery? Pattery. So because there's something special about these manacles, I wasn't able to escape from them. You're not able to slip them off, no. You try to slip through them, you know, with your non-corporeal essence. But there, again, there's something about these manacles that keep you...

stuck in that position, unable to pass through them. Magic manacles. What if we all act like someone passed out or died, maybe got shivved by one of the gnomes, and we all raise a fuss, and then the guard comes in, and when he does, we jump him and take his keys. Or we could take a little nap.

We could take a nap, Bernie. That is valid. At this point, Quill comes over to you, Chip. Hi there, Quill. You want another sniff? Where's home? What? Where's your home? My home? Yeah. Oh, I come from the land of Wisconsin. Wisconsin? Yeah, that's right. A lot of wizards out in Wisconsin. Oh, yeah. It's up in the north. Do you miss it?

I miss my parents, you know? Tell me about them. Okay. Well, my parents are Mike and Linda Haney. Good people. Both educators, all right? You know? Great teachers. My dad coaches hockey, fantasy hockey. Hockey?

Hockey, that's right, and football. Football? Couple state championships under his belt. He's a good at his job. Do they smell bad? They smell great. My parents are delightful people. Even though the ball is made of feet? No. I am not familiar with this language. What's that? Is this, what is this that you speak?

English base common common I never heard these words before why you're speaking them right now. Look at you. You're a miracle child Well that I know already. Thank you. Did you want a boost?

Yeah, I- I- Matit would also like to try and help, uh, if- if Elga- Maybe we can all stick on top of each other. Oh yeah! I'll be the base, I- I do a lot of squats. Squats. What- what order are we in? Is it like- Yeah, I guess manacles, we'd go up and down that way. Matit is on one end, followed by Chip, followed by Barney, followed by Elga on the other end. Okay. Okay.

He says 30 high. Yeah, it's about 30 feet high more or less. Is it looking like all four would need to be stacked or just three of us? Well, we're all attached, so I think we have to. Yeah, we need to go all the way up. You probably would. All right. I suppose that's what we're going to do. So, yeah, everyone's in agreement of this? Yeah? Oh, yeah. Okay. Matias, can I hop up on your shoulders there?

Uh, wait. Oh, thank you. Give me a little piggyback ride. All right, Barney, your turn. Okay, what do I do? Oh, you gotta hop on my back there, pal. Okay, here I go. All right, here you go. Do you need some help up there, old man? I, okay. Okay, here, a one and a two and a three. Oh, we're going on three? And a four and a five. Can I try and climb up? Yeah, so you're trying to stack or climb? Yeah, yeah, trying to climb up. I guess it's like two people high.

A bunch of chips back there. Yeah, go ahead. And if you're trying to climb and stack up like that, make... I'm trying to think. I think it's more like acrobatics. Make an acrobatics check. Feels acrobatic. Oh, no. I am a team. I got horns. So if you need some footholds or something, but also you could get stabbed by them. So...

Barney, you start, you know, clambering on and trying to crawl up. And as you do so, you know, some of the rocks come loose in the side of the wall. And you're able to maintain and hold yourself. But the rocks fall out near Jahardin, who jumps up angrily again with a shiv. I told you to stay away. Get down from there. I'm sorry. Get back down here. Okay. We went to some of the...

We are looking for the street popcorn that's come from the window up here. Sharing is caring. You realize now that there is something different about these two. Even though they look very similar physically, Jack, while he's sitting there munching on popcorn, has a giant tattoo on his chest of what looks like a map with a red X on it. I see something from up here that I didn't see from below.

My old human eyes just needed to get up high. Are you farsighted? I'm just sighted. What do you see up there, old man? He's got a map. Where? I think on his... Is that a map where your chest should be? I think his chest is still there. I think it's just a tattoo. Perhaps it is on his... Yeah. Hey, cool ink there, brother. I said chip down.

Since it seems like... Oh, wait, but you're still up top. Yeah, he didn't climb all the way up. He's still on the wall, but Jahardin is glowering at him very angrily with a little shiv out in his hand. Don't, don't, don't. You get off that wall. I'm not on the wall. I'm on my friend Chip. Hi. Get off your friend. Okay.

And I'll climb back down. I approach Jawharden and I say, hey there, pal. He's still up. He's pointing his shiv at you. Excellent craftsmanship on that shiv there. I've made a couple shivs in my day and that's a good one. Yo, Roy! Yeah, yeah. So anyways, anywho, we all want to get out of here and I'm sure you and Jack there want to as well. Is that map? Is that...

Is that the map of this here prison? Jahardin looks over at Jack. No. Oh, okay. What is it a map of? Yes, what is it? It would have been very smart to get a map of the prison tattoo. Very specific, though. Wow. A very specific prison tattoo. In between munches of popcorn, Jack looks down at his chest and goes, Huh? Where'd that come from? You don't remember getting this? It seems as though you would. It would hurt a lot. A lot of very fine needle pointing in your chest. Yeah.

Yeah. Jahartin, where did I get this from? Yeah, Jahartin kind of looks puzzled at Jack for just a second. Too many questions. Could I go over and look at it closer? Yeah, sure. While pulling you guys with me. He's dragging Barney. You look at it. It's a little hard to get a look at because Jack is also looking down at it, seemingly like he's looking at it for the first time. He's also examining it. It's not an area you recognize, but you are easily distracted because there are

various hares and moles in the way. And you're not sure, are they part of the map? Or is it parts of his body? Or is it intended to be integrated into the map? It's really confusing. There's a lot going on there. Is it, like, what perspective of the map is it? Is it, like, land or a city? Or, like, how... Can we tell what... A blueprint? Yeah, like, how... What's the scale? Any major freeways on it?

It's a bunch of trails, it seems like. Do we recognize that this is from Groteth? It doesn't seem like it's from the city. I'll say that. Is this a treasure map? No. Just south of the nipple there, you get the highway. At that point, the little, what do you call it? The little viewport on the door opens up and you see a pair of eyes glowering in. Hello. All right, all of yourself.

Okay. I sit down. I pop a squat. Why? Oh. Sick! That's not an answer to my question. You see the eyes look away off to the side, presumably at another person standing out there that you can't see. And then you hear, like, keys begin clanging and opening up the door for the cell. Well, thank you. You four! Get out of here! Come on! Let's go! Oh. I'll see you guys later. Jack, Jahard, uh, sss.

Quill. Quill. Nice to see you. You guys have a good one. Tell your parents to say hello. Okay. We'll remember you. As a reminder to our listeners, all of these NPC names come from audience members, and sometimes we gift audience members characters like Quill, the feet smeller. Whoever that is, thanks for your patronage.

He's just curious about the world. Listen, he interacts with the world differently than the rest of us interact with the world. You don't get upset at a dog for sniffing butts. Right. That's just how they get around. It's just a different experience of the world. That's all. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Howdy, my unhygienic hearers. Have you seen the latest Stinky Dragon puppet video? You deserve some laughs in your life. Go check it out on social media at Stinky Dragon Pod, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok. While you're there, go follow us as well. Plus, if you post on social media using hashtag Stinky Dragon Pod, we might name an NPC in the show after you.

Did you know Stinky Dragon has a soundtrack you can listen to? We just dropped the latest album, Paralites Poison. It's available on all your favorite music streaming platforms. Turn back the clock and relive the origins of the original Infinites and Paralites. Plus, we've included encounter music to use in your own sessions of D&D with your friends. Check it out wherever you stream music.

RTX is coming up soon here in Austin, July 7th to 9th. This year's RTX is going to be a little different with more to do and more to explore at the RTX campgrounds. I'm sure you've heard tons of people from the community talk about their experiences at RTX over the past years. Why don't you come down and make your own experiences with us, whether or not it's seeing something new premiere or attending a panel, maybe even one for like this podcast you're listening to right now. You'll be able to see all these things and meet people and have

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Did you know it's Rooster Teeth's 20th anniversary? Every Friday, we're releasing new surprise episodes to celebrate and thank viewers for 20 years of support. We've got a bunch of surprises. We're not even halfway through. We have so many more videos coming out every Friday, something new over at roosterteeth.com. So head on over, check it out. Maybe something that you haven't seen in a while. We just had a Master and Apprentice episode come out. By the time you're hearing this, who knows what new things have come out. So head on over and check out some of that sweet anniversary content as a thank you for 20 years of support.

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Since Mateet and Elga are on the ends, which of you goes out first and which of you goes out last? I'll go first. So Elga's leading the way, followed by Barney. Barney will go last. No. We can't tell with you. That is a Chris thing you would say. So Elga, Barney, Chip, Mateet. Chip Haney, pleasure to meet you. Allons-y.

So there's two constables who are keeping an eye on you. One of them's leading the way in front of Elga and then the other one is bringing up the rear behind Mateek. Hi, I'm Barney. Back in line! Take going! I didn't get out. I like how both you and Chip are essentially Pokemon. Just saying your name. Barney, Barney! Chip, Chip! So good.

What race and build are these guards? One of them is a thick-horned reddish tiefling. Oh. And the other one is a pale-moustached halfling. Oh, this tiefling's got to stick together, huh? He slaps you. Can we see where we're heading? You're walking out of that door in that same direction, seemingly down a long corridor with jail cells on either side, onto your left and to your right down this corridor. There's

three prisoners scattered throughout these various jail cells. All of them have hair. I was going to say, anyone like to eat hair? All three of them are watching, well, I should say two of them are watching you. One of them seems to be asleep. Can I try to address the guard in the rear? Yeah, we'll say the one in the rear is...

You were at the rear, so we'll say the tiefling is the one at the rear. Yeah. Sir, I do not know if you have this information, but my new friends here, we do not know how we got here. Is there any way you could pass that information on to us? We'll be talking about that soon. Where are we going right now? You would be talking to the other one, who is the halfling. Okay.

I hope we get answers to some questions as well. I did. Chip's got a question for Tiefling.

Mm-hmm. Hater pal, your horns are looking magnificent. How do you keep those things in shape, huh? Johnson's horn salve, of course. Oh, Johnson's horn salve. I'm going to write that down. I'm going to write that down, too. Yeah. Oh, thank you, Bernie. If you need salve for your horns, make it Johnson's. Okay. Johnson's horn salve. I'll remember that. I never forget a thing. Elga, since you're at the front, make me a perception check. Perception is not great. I rolled a six.

Uh, maybe because you're, uh, distracted talking with the, um, the guard that's leading the way, you're not quite paying attention to where you're walking, and, uh, you stumble, uh, into a pile of boxes and barrels, uh, at the end of the corridor here. Oh no. Uh, you stub your toe. Ugh, this is a smart spot. Ugh.

Anyways, where are we going? This way. The halfling pulls on your manacles and turns you to the left. Before he pulls me, could I just quickly glance at the boxes and see if there's anything about them or in them? Ooh. You mean Johnson's horn style? That's where they keep them, the storage. You look down, and the box you stubbed your toe on, like, the lid kind of came off of it, and you see it's a bunch of...

uh, manacles that seem to be like unassembled and unlocked. Do they look to be the same type that we were wearing? Yeah, it does seem like it. Okay, could I grab one with my hand and throw it in front of the guard?

and say, "Haha, I'm free!" Uh, yeah, uh, make like a... Well, first off, to grab it, make like a sleight of hand check to see if you're able to, like, get down there and grab it. 21. Ooh, that's really good, yeah. And, uh, make me a deception check as well to see if you're able to fool the guard. Well... Okay. Um, the halfling looks over at the manacles you've thrown in front of him and seems very panicked.

and turns around and says SLIGHTLY GETTA QUICK RUN okay it's just a prank bro Barney turns and runs back the other direction Barney turns and runs? yeah make me a dexterity check

We are manacled together. Yeah. Is Chris just playing old gum gum? No. Uh, 8. You turn to run, briefly forgetting that you're manacled, and trip and fall on the ground. Does that take... I'm sorry.

Does that take Elga and Jim? Leave me alone. Go on without me. I'll say you all are able to maintain your footing, but the guard seems less concerned now. Oh. Oh. Looks around and realizes what you've done. Very good. That's a very good one. Oh, thank you. Do you think it was so good that you would let us free? Huh? Oh.

Oh yeah, how about we take you out right now? I don't like the tone that he is giving us right now. I think I said some sarcasm. We're gonna take you to meet the mayor. The mayor? Yeah, you're gonna have his job. Wow. Wow, apparently a trick was really good. Congratulations. You all make that turn. The guard tugs on your manacles and keeps leading you forward to the left, which would be the east,

and there's another corridor with additional jail cells. And down this corridor, there are five jail cells and three of them are occupied. In the middle of this passage is a table with a few other officers who are sitting down. Is there any chance that, I guess, I want to check for anybody holding keys, like on a belt or something or anything like that. Oh, make a perception check. 13. That's pretty good.

You can't tell if anyone has keys necessarily because you're a little distracted because the officers who are, I should say the constables who are sitting at the table here seem to be playing some kind of gambling game and they have a large stack of coins in the middle of the table. Oh, in the middle of the table. Do I recognize what game they're playing? Seems to be a game of dice called Zigzag Hag.

Do we all recognize this? Matit was the one looking. Do you want to try to see if you see the game, Chris? Can I see if I see the game? Yeah. Make me a perception check. That's a 17. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You know Zig Zag Hag. They're definitely right in the middle of a game. There's a large stack of coins in the center of the table. This must be a high stakes game.

What is going on over here? Zigzag hag. Zigzag hag? Zigzag hag? Zigzag hag? The constables look up with concern at Barney.

Our friend here forgot to take his medication this morning, Grandpa is okay. I love zigzag hag. The constables look at the two who are leading you and says, "You all worked that one over too good. Hit him a little too hard in the head." Yeah, they did. Did you turn the dice over?

they look confused at each other and say, yes, we did. - Oh, smart. - Hey there boys, can I buy in, huh? What's the pad at right now? - It's just under 23 gold. - Okay, I check my pockets.

Do I- I'm assuming all my stuff is gold. They laugh with each other. That's a good one. It's your gold. Oh, no, that's my gold. This guy's getting a hoot and a holler. The guards who are leading you pull on Elga's manacles again and keep walking you down the road. I am a delicate child. Why do you pull so hard like this?

This is the longest hallway I've ever done seen. I feel like there's more we should be like exploring this, but I don't know what else is valuable. Well, there's five prisoners. We can say howdy ho to them. There's three. Well, you passed three and now there's another three in these jail cells. And these three are watching you. Okay. Hi, Chipaney. Pleasure to meet you. Hi. Hi, Barney. There's a, one of them's a dwarf, one of them's a human, and another one is an Abralion. Does any one of them look to be like

looking extra intensely at us like as if they recognize us or they know something no they just seem to be trying to regard you um maybe sizing you up as to whether you're a threat or not but they're in their cell right yeah all three of them are in their cells i regard them back how i don't know give them a tip of the hat where'd my hat go what are you guys in for uh the abraelian says person i'm innocent what'd you do oh i didn't do anything hurt my wagon

I think they're trying to fill a quota Yeah, but what they don't know is I was robbing a bank. That's why I was double parked. You were robbing a bank? It's her rubbery limbs to reach out through the cell to try to quiet you. But what they don't know is I stashed the goods before they found me.

where'd you stash them huh well in a place where nobody can find i tattooed the treasure map on a stupid gnome how did you come about the time to to tattoo on a gnome here in the prison yeah we were put together in holding locked up for a little while together what'd you use for a tattoo and how did you knock him out so he doesn't remember getting it well he doesn't have quite enough bats in the bell for you that one

Maybe you know what I mean. I don't. Looks like this one, too. What exactly is included in the goods that you've stolen? The abrillion seems to sour a little bit. Why would you want to know that? Well, just, I mean, you're telling us an anecdote already. Regards! Regards! She robbed the bank. I don't have your money.

the guards who were... - It was a blood bank! - Who were escorting you pound on... - That's a way better joke. - They pound on the bars where the Abrelion is. - Hey, back up Lizzie, leave her alone.

Ah, Lizzy. And they begin pulling on you again, Elga. And you make your way to the end of this hallway. It was a pleasure to meet you, Lizzy. It appears the hallway turns to the north, but that's not where they're taking you. There's a door at the end of the hallway on the east side.

and they open up the door and shove you in there. An open room? Yeah. What do we see? All four of us, I assume? Yeah. Inside this room, there's a slatted table with leather straps in the northeast corner. Off to the side is a tray with a horse riding whip, a branding iron, and a billy club with nails pierced in the end. Well, would you look at that? We just made it to the torture chamber. And there's also a cistern of water with bloody hairs floating at the top in the northwest corner.

and a small wood-burning stove to the south. Don't drink that, Barney. And to the north is a passageway to another room. To the north is another passageway? Yeah. Any other individuals in here? Yeah, Slightly and the other constable, whose name you don't know yet, are both in the room with you. And Dadamax was the halfling or the tiefling? The tiefling. They pull you very quickly through this room, through the passage to the north, where there's another room. Any chance they take us by the...

the table of like instruments? - No, they make sure to steer you clear from that table. I think it's not their first time in the torture room.

A classic saying. And they take you through the passage to the other room to the north. And in this room, in the center of the room is a long table with a few chairs on either side. And on the northern end of this room is a mirror. There's a locked iron door to the west. Ah, interrogation room. You four, sit here! Okay. They point at the table on the side of the table facing the mirror. Hey, can I have my, uh...

How do you say? My phone call? But the fantasy version? What is the fantasy version of a phone call? Tell me. Sending Stone? Can I get a Sending Stone or a Carrier Pigeon? I just need to contact my lawyer. Sorry, I don't want to talk to the boys in blue without my guy here representing me. Is your lawyer Sawyer by any chance? He's a good lawyer. His name's Sawyer. I have some bad news. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

I'm really sorry you have to find out. The two constables sit down on the northern end of the table across from you. Oh, my goodness. I've gotten old. What? He's looking in the mirror, right? Yeah. Oh, oh, oh. Well, you're not always this age. I don't think so. Is there just no reflection for Elga? Just.

Just floating manacles? Hello? Uh, yeah, there is no reflection for Helga, just, uh, just floating manacles there. I'm used to it, it's okay. Helga, that's a heck of a magic trick. Can you just describe in detail what I look like? You are such a nice young woman.

Thank you, old man. Just Helga going, I will drain you last. The tiefling clears his throat. My name is Slightly. My friend here is Datamax, and we will be running your interrogation today. Okay. Datamax slams his hands down onto the table and looks at Chip. You want to do this the easy way or the hard way? I lean over to Mathilde and say, good cop, bad cop, this is going to be fun.

Well, listen here copper. I ain't saying nothing. COFFER! What? COFF- COFFER! Not copper! I'm coughing! Calm it down Barney. I pat Barney on the back. City Officer Force! C O F COFF! Okay.

Cool acronym. Is this the point where you finally tell us why we are here? Slightly looks at you and says, Can we send you a survey after the interrogation? Customer service is our top priority. I am a person of patience, but I'm getting tired of asking the same question and not getting the answer I'm hoping for. Hmm.

I think they're doing the interrogation. Somehow I think you do not want to make them mad. What is your full name, for the record? Looking at you, Mati. I have been incarcerated without you having my information, prayer? It's for the record. Mati Conficius. M-A-T-I-L-D-E.

E-C-W-N-F-A-S-S-R-E-U-S

Close enough. There's so many vowels in there. Datomax points a finger very close to your face, Elga. Who do you really work for? I just work for myself. There's this, you know, it's hard being alone a lot of the time, and I don't like listening to authority very much, so I tend to work for myself. Yeah. Promise. Cross my heart. Oh, no, never mind. No cross. No.

And I'm already dead. Hope to die again and again and again.

Will not make a difference. And Barney! Anything you want to confess? Well, earlier, I... They're both leaning in very excitedly. I don't remember how I got here. None of us do, Barney. Okay. Why'd you do it? I don't know. Why'd you do it? Why? You tell me right now! I'm sorry. Hey, stop yelling at Barney. Lower your voice. He's a friendly old dude. Is Barney going to confess to crying? I did it! I did it!

I'm sorry. Slightly interjects and places himself between Barney and Datamax. Barney, how likely is it you recommend being interrogated to a friend? Scale of one to ten. One being the worst, ten being the best.

It turns to kind of look at Chip and nods like, "Yeah, I would say it's very, very highly recommended." Oh, excellent. So 10 out of 10? I'm just definitely. Ooh, the bosses are going to like this. Interesting feedback. This is really great. Sorry to interrupt. No, no, it's my pleasure. Slightly stares at Datamax. Are you done? Is that enough? Can we continue? You, Chip!

Yeah. What's your profession? Uh, gonna plead the fifth on that one there, officer.

I don't like the way you're not answering our questions. Let's just say that I'm a bit of a home husband, all right? And I like gardening. Sometimes I work with the youths, the local youths. Oh, I am a tiefling, so I am resistant to fire. So I use the, I'm in the volunteer fire brigade. Oh, well, that's very nice, actually. Thank you. Yeah. I lean over to Matilda. I'm actually an SASN. Retired. Retired.

But I'm not gonna tell these guys that. I'm so sorry I got all of you into this mess. Don't worry about it, Barney. I can see you chaps are professionals. You're not gonna sell out anyone unless you're motivated to do so. Ain't that right? But don't worry. We know how to motivate professionals like you. You gonna give us a speech? That guy gussed. That guy gussed.

Constable Datamax steps into the next room. You hear the crackling of a fire, and a moment later, the mustached halfling re-enters the room holding a sizzling red branding iron. Right! Who'd like to be motivated first, hmm?

Oh, pick me, pick me. I'm resistant to fire this one. No, I did it. No. There's no point in suffering for my crime. You did it. It was you? Yes. Constable Datamax leans in towards Barney, holding the glowing iron inches from your face.

Yes, yes, I did do it and I was working for-- Who do you think I might have been working for? Well, I imagine. Is it one of you?

Hmm...

Nah, that's rubbish. Suddenly Datamax grabs your head from behind and pinches his fingers around your lips, Barney. Ow! Right. Well, let's see if we can't loosen your tongue a little. Oh no. Boom! The whole building shakes and rumbles. Everyone make a dexterity saving throw. 17. 10. 19. 18. Everyone except for Barney makes it. Ow.

- The three of you who did successfully make that saving throw, you're able to keep your balance and avoid falling rubble. Barney, however, maybe it's because Datamax is holding your lips and you're not able to just squirm around in your chair effectively. Some falling rubble does come down and hit you doing four points of bludgeoning damage.

- Ouch. - And it knocks you down prone to the ground. Constable Datamex is knocked to the floor and is unconscious. A large chunk of stone hits him in the head. And that red hot iron that he was holding is loose on the ground next to a set of keys. Now you see that maybe they were in his pocket.

I grab the keys and the poker. Slightly also fell to the ground, but he is conscious and he sees you looking at the keys and the poker and his eyes dark to them as well. Let's do contesting dexterity checks to see who's able to get there first. Since I'm next in line, can I do anything to help? Let's see how this one goes. Okay, not good. Not well. That's a one, so four. Think you could beat that? I did.

Nine. By a ton. You both dive for the stuff, and you blindly reach out, and you mistakenly grab the hot end of the iron and burn your hand, taking two points of damage. Slightly, however, is able to quickly grab the keys. What did you want to do, Chip? I will assist in any way I can. I'm going to grab slightly by his tiefling horns. Oh, boy. Buck and Bronco. He's only...

Is he prone still? Yeah, he's still like on the ground. He dove out for that. Make a athletics check to see if you can grab him.

16. Yeah, you're able to grab onto him. Oh, there, pal. We're going to grab them keys and be on our way, all right? Take the bull by the horns. While I have him, because my leg is longer than his arm, I kick the keys over to Matid. Oh. Yeah, the keys come sliding across or clattering across the uneven stone floor in your direction. Fly past me as I'm on the ground. I grab them and quickly unmanacle all of us. Ooh, as you're getting the manacles off Helga, the final person,

The door to the west explodes off its hinges and slams into the table. Am I still on the ground? You're up at this point. Yeah, you get unmanicled and you're able to get up. Thank you. Sprinting past the door appears to be several prisoners, one after the other heading north. Lizzie looks at you briefly, Elka, and gives a motion of a tentacle across her throat and points at you.

Yes, I am very hungry now that you mention it. The doorway's silhouetted by a man wearing a gray top hat, woolen gray coat, striped waistcoat, and a white shirt. He holds up a cane and points at you all. You four, you don't belong here either, do you? The well-dressed stranger pulls out a set of keys. Oh, you all already freed yourself. He would have freed you all. I see you've already taken care of it.

We don't have much time. My diversion will occupy the cofs for only so long. Follow me. We must grab your belongings and escape while we can. The man begins hobbling with his cane down the corridor northward.

Thank you for the assistance. What is your name? He's already hobbling down the corridor northward. Can I follow and ask? Yeah, I wasn't sure. Is everyone going to follow? Yeah. Are we walking by the test with the money and all of our stuff? Your stuff wasn't there. It was just money. No, you're going down the other direction. You hadn't gone northward. You follow the gray suited man down the corridor past a few doors.

until he stops at a room with a barred window next to an iron door. He pulls from his coat a small vial and hurls it at the door, and green bubbling liquid sizzles around the doorknob, and the melted metal falls to the ground, and he pushes the door open. Inside are several lockers. Your personal belongings should be in here.

Neato. Which one? There's a lot of lockers and there's only four of us. Luckily for you, they're all labeled and they've got names on them. You can very quickly find your locker. Does anyone see Barney, Farney? That's your last name? Yes. Farney. Farney. Your parents are very evil people. Right this way, Barney. Here's your locker. Thank you. Do you need help? Thank you very much. I can get it from here. Okay. Elga goes over to her locker. Same for Matty. Yeah.

Chip gets his. He gets his fanny pack. And he gets his weapons. His thieves tools. And he's got some knee pads and some elbow pads. They're scurrying around on the ground. All stealth-like. Scurrying around on that ground. Barney gets a bunch of, like...

Chainmail that's way too big for him and, like, puts it on. Can I help? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, oh, yeah. Is there anything else other than our belongings in the lockers? That's a good question. I'm going to answer that in just a moment. Chip, you're not really familiar with chainmail, so make me an intelligence check here real fast. Okay. Eleven. Since you're kind of unfamiliar with chainmail, you don't realize that you're helping Barney put his chainmail on backwards. Oh, no. All right. Yeah, and just...

Right through there. All right. Those things are uncomfortable if you don't get them the right way. Yeah. It feels like maybe you're choking a little bit, Barney. Maybe your neck got a little wider while you were in here. I must have grown. Elka, you were asking if there were... Yeah, I mean, there's many other lockers with many different names. Is there a Lizzie locker? Yes, there is a Lizzie locker. Popping it open. Yeah, sure. You pop it open. Great. Inside. Good choices. Was not expecting that, so let me scroll back up to find it.

You didn't think about the lifelong feud that I was going to have with Lizzie? Well, I didn't anticipate creating a feud. Lizzie's going to be the big bad at the end. You see a couple jars of slime and you see a

A dagger. A dagger. No, a dagger and a vial of ink. Could I take everything? Yeah, sure. It's all yours. As you're grabbing it, you start to hear the distant whistles being blown, but they sound like wolves and footsteps coming down the corridor. That slime's going to be in your inventory for the entire campaign. Hurry! We must leave at once. Follow me. Okay. The gray-suited man hobbles with his cane out of the room and up a set of stairs to the north. Follow. I assist Barney up the stairs. Now I've got my walker.

Oh, you're in there too? Yeah. I'm still bringing up the rear. Just a little faster and better. You follow the gray-suited man and begin climbing the stairs, whistling wolves and the clattering of footsteps not far behind you. Your feet start to splash on wet steps as you climb higher and higher. You finally reach the top where the gray man stands at a door. He slowly opens the door, revealing a thunderstorm downpouring outside. Lightning flashes behind the man as he turns around to you all and says, By the way,

Allow me to introduce myself. I am the Alchemist. Bonjour. Is that your legal name or? Scene. Is that first episode? That is the first episode. Oh, dang. I want to keep going. Of Tales from the Stinky Dragon.

This is fun. I like these cast of characters. It's a good dynamic we have going on here. Got Inspiration Die episode one. Did you? Doing good. Yeah. His Twin Cities joke. Yeah. Top tier. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks for listening, everybody. We'll be back next week with another episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. And as we always say, give us a follow on social media at StinkyDragonPod.

Tell your friends. Maybe you'll be in a future episode. Perfect time to jump in. Yeah. Here's a quick shout out to folks that interacted with us on social media recently. Here's some NPCs named after them in this episode.

Quill, the nosy Ibralian prisoner named after at Quillock on Discord. Jahardin, the small-nosed gnome prisoner named after, you guessed it, Jahardin on Discord. Constable Datamax, the cough interrogator named after at Datamax on Discord. Constable Slightly, the cough interrogator named after at Slightly Frustrated on TikTok. And Prisoner Limber Lizzy named after at Lizzy Lindlin on Instagram.

Also want to give a special thanks to some friends who provided VO for characters in this episode. Go follow them on socials and podcasts for more hilarious content. Prisoner Quill, voiced by Funhouse's Ryan Haley at Ryan Game Show. Prisoner Jahardin, voiced by Horror Virgin Podcast and Romancing the Pods. Todd Awesome at Todd J. Awesome on socials.

So tune in next time for another thrilling episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon.