Tavern Tales - The Chosen One(s) Ep. 04 - A Race to the End
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This podcast is supported by FX's English Teacher, a new comedy from executive producers of What We Do in the Shadows and Baskets. English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job, while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

This is a Rooster Teeth production. Hey friend, want to order me a whiskey howler? But not too loud, it's getting late.

Last time, Asafi chased after the dastardly Smiley to hopefully recover one key while the four chosen ones retrieved another. Our heroes traveled to a distant forest where they befriended a young golem. Their new friends knocked them into his village of golems. They eventually found the key of the Shadowmaid, but from the village elder learned that without the key's magic, the entire village would perish. But with the Cult of Shadow at their doorstep, the golems relinquished the key and the chosen ones escaped in the nick of time through a portal to an unknown location.

Take a seat and let's continue our tale.

We slammed that potion down. It took us somewhere. Killed all those golems. Oh, God. Wait, did you just confirm that we murdered all the golems? Well, we didn't murder them. We have the key. If we took the key away, they all crumble into rocks. He never confirmed or denied whether that would kill them permanently. It was a genocide. I don't think it killed them. I mean, he did say you got to bring it back. It was a gemicide. We did a war crime. Welcome to Tales from the Stinky Dragon. I'm Chris, your DM Maris.

You'll never get over that pun. It's really good. Yeah. And I'm joined by four heroes played by Barbara Dunkelman. Gustavo Sorolla. Do we ever do this? John Reisinger. Just roll with it, dude. Yes and. Yes and. There you go. This is the penultimate episode of this little campaign. Thank God. Oh, come on. Someone's going to die. John is in a mood today. Even before we started rolling. Now, let's get started.

Euthygenia, Durin, Adeline, and Sawyer shoot out of their Womb of Red and land in a tangle of limbs and tail onto the scorching desert sand. Wonderful, you're alive. All four of you, yay! Asafi the wizard stands from the shadow of a canyon and walks over, a dainty teacup in hand. Around you is nothing but the harsh desert and tall, winding canyons. The wizard takes another sip of his tea and helps the four of you to your feet slash hooves. I hate sand.

I've never seen sand before.

Zora, have you ever been on the beach? Uh, no, dear sister. Our parents did not take us out. They could not afford vacation. Well, I don't suppose you'll see much water here. This is a desert, but, uh... Pies Pass? Uh, it is, uh, yeah, a bit south of here, yes. Uh, speaking of knowing things, Prey, is the, uh, mission objective, was it a success? Yes, uh, we retrieved the, one of the keys to the Shadowmane. At a great cost, might I add. Yes, but we do, we, uh,

I don't know if there's a possibility of this, a great wizard, but once our task is complete, are we allowed to bring the key back? Is it refundable? Can we maybe make a copy? Is there a key copying place around here? I love that we promised them that we'd bring it back. I feel bad. Can we actually do this? What's the return policy on this, ya key? I hate the idea of a bunch of little baby rock golems all crumbled and dead. And the rock lobster.

Oh boy, Greg. I just got the B-52s out of my head yesterday. Well, if we're able to keep it safe from the cults of the shadows, then perhaps... I do not know at this moment. May I inspect the key? Yes. Can I do...

an insight to make sure this is Ossiphy or there's nothing so subterfuge going on? Durin is untrustable, therefore Durin doesn't trust anybody. That's right! That's a good character trait. Yes.

Oh, insight. My greatest skill. What's your negative on it? I rolled a four, which gives me a three. Wow. Hey, guys, it's Ophsophy. You think it is? Could I also do it? Sure. Insight check. Something's off about this version of Ophsophy. Ophsophy? Nice. Eleven? Eleven?

Not much. It also seems like the same person that you just talked to, you know, not long ago. I want to do it, but I don't want to. Yeah. I didn't have the idea. Well, since you guys seem to believe it's him, I'm going to go with you as well. I mean, you're a midwife. Do you want to maybe inspect him for any wounds that he would have had from the blade, the poison blade? Maybe make sure it's the same guy. As we put on their pants. Show this large woman your books. Where did you get stabbed again, Asphy?

In fact, all of us can show each other our buttocks. Except for you, sister. You gotta go to the corner. Durin dropped his pants. That's the spirit. My precious eyes. I've never seen a man's body before.

What? So about that key. I hand him the key. No! Did you have it? I don't know, but I just want to move forward. I think I had it, but having rolled that roll, I would have handed it to him. Asafi looks at the key and then pulls from his robes its sister and studies the two together. He takes a deep breath, exhaling with such relief that he seems to forget the four of you in the moment.

He looks up. Yes, Smiley is full of surprises, but not all of them for me. I found him exactly where he least expected I'd expect, and upon doing so, he was not entirely true to his namesake. He wasn't Smiley. Was he frowning? Was he grumpy, sleepy, sneezy? Several of the above. You see, Smiley indeed took the key to pursue his own self-interest.

Asaphye frowns, just remembering. Confronting those whom you've given your trust is a terribly painful business, for all parties involved. I do not wish it upon anyone, but alas, it is a necessity of the business at hand. Or in my case, hands.

Yuvijunai just looks at the ground and kind of pushes her, like, kicks the dirt a little bit. You still have two hands, right? I'm just... It's just the bad joke. Yeah. I know the burn of Smiley's sudden disappearance is not yet healed, but the keys will be safe now. I will give them to the person I've known longest and trust more than anyone in this world. Who's that? Aspi twirls the keys with his fingers and in an instant, they're both vanished. Me. Oh. Yes. Okay. Where'd you...

Can you do that again with something else? I like that magic trick. Oh, look, you have something in your ear. So are you seeing this? Do it to me, do it to me. He flips a coin to you. It's another one of his double-faced coins. Oh, do I get to keep it? Yeah. Excellent. It's worthless. So we never found Marcel the Magical. I believe he was not to be found. Some things aren't really meant to be found. If you find them, you probably don't want to find them because they probably are just...

Dead. Okay. Would have been useful to know that. He insinuated it last episode. No, no, no. I need clearly drawn out. My wisdom is eight.

Now to the task at hand. We are camped in Winder Canyon, a few miles from the resting place of the Third Key, an ancient temple that will no doubt be booby-trapped worse than a politician prone to extramarital affairs. The good news is that the Cult of Shadow has not yet discovered the location of this temple. Now...

We must set out soon. Are you ready? Or would you like some tea first? What kind of tea? Yeah, I'll have some tea. Yes, here, have your... I pull out my blueberry muffin and begin nibbling at it while drinking the tea. How are y'all feeling? Are you ready to set out or do you need a rest? We have time for a short rest. Okay, okay. Why not? And you all settle down in the shadow of the canyon and relax for a little bit. Everyone, roll Perception. Perception.

13 for Adeline. That's a nat 20, 25. 19 for me. 18. You open your eyes and it's dark and quite cold. The desert sun long since gone. In the distance, you spot the orange light of torches dancing across the canyon walls, drawing closer with each moment. Everyone else is asleep, including Asafi.

I start rustling them to wake them, to alert them and whispering. There seems to be some men coming this way with torches. Get up. Asavi's eyes snap open. I've overslept. Everyone roll perception. Eight. What the? Twelve. Thirteen. Sixteen. Oh, Euthygenia, killing it. Yep. Maybe it's your centaur eyes are better than everyone else's. Yeah, you're taller. I don't like that.

In the distance, you see a large company of the Cult of Shadow making their way towards you. That's not good. It's a limited liability corporation.

Thank you. Appreciate it. The Coast of the Shadows is here. They're coming to us. I thought you said that they didn't know where this place was. I thought so too, but you know, sometimes you don't know things that people know. It seems one of us must serve as a distraction while the other goes ahead to the key. We shall flip a coin. Tails, you four set out immediately for the temple. If it's heads, I can give you maybe an hour head start. Is it one of those double-sided coins? I'll flip the coin. Okay.

He shoves a blue potion into your hands as the coin flips into the air for when it's all over and he doesn't wait for it to land. I grab the coin. He just left already. I grab the coin. Okay. You grab the coin, but Possibly's already turned and bolted towards the cult of the shadow. He's taking a harder job. Oh, okay. Do we know what this blue potion is? I assume this is how we come back. Let's go steal stuff.

Okay, I start running. Durin's classic entrance. Let's go steal stuff. My fingers are sticky. How are y'all going about traveling? I will say time is of the essence. Should we just run? You are racing the Cult of Shadow. Perhaps we mount Euthygenon? Nope. Nope. That's silly. Durin.

Let's run. All right. Yeah, let's run. Y'all run. You race through the canyon running faster than you thought possible, though not as fast as you would have been if you'd been on... I'm actually pretty fast, so I'm running pretty fast. Yeah. I've got a pretty good distance. I think it's like 40. You continue through the canyon, and over time, it begins to narrow, and you suddenly find yourself at a dead end.

I think it's time to use this blue potion, maybe.

I think it's for the return. Is it one of those... I don't know. Blue was to... To go somewhere. Red was... Well, they all are to go somewhere. We went somewhere each time. He handed it to you and said it's for the return. While they investigate that or talk about that, can I investigate the area and see if I can find any sort of like perceiving... Yeah, go and investigate. Nine. Ahead of you, you see several large desert plants. Oh, wait, are they cacti? So we're in a dead end with a bunch of desert plants. When you say a bunch, is it just like...

Ton of them are we talking? Yes, I would say probably like maybe three or four desert plants kind of leaned up against the canyon wall Could I go look at the plants? Yeah, do you want to investigate? 18 with an 18 you see behind the plants for images carved into the canyon wall one of spring one of summer one of fall and one of winter below the images and inscription and

In order to bear fruit, the seeds of desire require the patience of the four seasons. I don't think I'm going to be much help. I usually stay at the Hilton.

Sorry, my eyes are a little blurry from all the running in the dust. What did it say? In order to bear fruit. In order to bear fruit, the seeds of desire require the patience of the four seasons. And then above that, the four images carved in the canyon wall are of spring, summer, fall, and winter. And this was behind several of the desert plants. Are they all the same plant? Are they different plants? They all appear to be the same plant. And they have some like...

flowers and seeds and leaves and stuff kind of branching out kind of like palm trees but like like a little more fantasy palm trees can i try to grab some seeds off of one of them hey be sure to send us some fan art of your fantasy palm trees yeah do you want to are you grabbing from the trees or from the ground oh i've done both i thought they were only on the trees um okay there's a couple seeds kind of like a fall into the ground i see um so there's some on the ground i'll try to pick one off of a plant

Okay. Go ahead and roll athletics because it's kind of high up for you. 11. I would say you get like most of the way there. And maybe if you had a boost. I try to play it off like I was stretching. Euthygenia boosts him up. All right. And then you're able to grab hold of the seed. Okay. How big is it? Is it like massive or small? It's about the size of a walnut. Okay. Can I try to crack open the seed? Can I pour a little bit of water on it?

Sure. That sounds smarter. Would you do it like in your hand or do you describe what you do? In Duren's hand. Yeah, in my little hand. Pour a little bit from my water skin. Maybe you want to put it in the ground somewhere? You pour water on the seed and it begins to sprout and the image of spring seems to glisten and glow. Ooh.

And the seed grows and sprouts. Oh, oh. And to the point where you have to set it down. Oh, that's pretty fast. Yeah, that's freaky. Duren wouldn't like that. Oh, wait, I'm a gardener. No. You would love that. Yeah, Duren digs a little hole. You're a bad gardener. You don't understand what's happening. Uses his gardening knowledge. Listen, is this what they do? I cast, it's on the ground now. I cast Sacred Flame on it.

On the plant? Near it, near it. Near it. Like, light it, yeah. Okay, and what does that do exactly? Can you describe it? It normally... Flame-like radiance descends on a creature that you can see within range. The target must succeed on a dexterous saving throw or take 1d8 radiant damage. Oh, it's radiant damage. Why are you lighting it on fire? I thought it was going to be more like a fire. I'm thinking that it's the seasons. We've got to do, like... It's kind of like a...

Fifth element rules. I just wonder, it says in order to bear fruit, they require patience. So I wonder if we need to let it grow and then pick something off. I would say let it, I think, well, because we just went through spring and spring lit up, I think we now need to go through summer, which would be like giving it sun. Okay. Simulating the year. Cause like maybe we can do like, I could do minor illusion. Could I create like a sun of some sort? If that other thing is like too intense. That's even better. Okay. So you're doing that instead of the. Yeah. Minor illusion. I'm going to do like a little sun.

Okay, the light lights up the little plant and it begins to like grow even more from a sprout even to a larger tree and almost to the point where it's like it's taller than Durin now. Okay. It's not a hard bar to cross. And then on the wall you see the summer light up and glisten. Okay.

So then in fall, should I take the sun away? We should. Make the sun lower? Euthygenia tries to fan it with her tail, hoping that some sort of gust of wind... And I move the sun further and lower away. Suddenly the leaves of the tree and the wind of your tail and then the autumn lights up on the canyon wall. Cool. How are we going to get winter? Ice? Anyone have any ice powers? Cold stuff? Hold on. Um...

Don't have anything that could do cold.

Earth tremors? Is that like a... Oh, yeah. A winter earthquake? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I have something called Toll the Dead, which dead people are cold. We're really reaching here. You can zombie to hug it. We're really reaching here for something. Could I just, like, blow cold air from my mouth on it? Yeah. Burn. Runs cold. Yeah. I do. You know, my hands are really cold. Bad circulation. Yeah.

It is a genetic disorder. Can I do like a minor illusion and do like snow? Yeah. I begin wrapping presents. What is that? Wrapping? Oh, Christmas? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you make cloud and snow kind of start raining down? Yeah. And then I go, oh, oh, oh. I cast my voice. As the imaginary snow, illusionary snow collects around the tree, the fourth season on the canyon wall glistens and...

There's a crack of rock splitting. The canyon slowly splits open, revealing the dark entrance to a temple. You know, I gotta be honest, I didn't think we'd be able to do that. I thought we might be here for a while. Well, we managed to do it, dude. Let's go. I run in there. Yeah, same. You make your way through the dark temple, and the walls narrow until you can barely squeeze through, just when you feel as if you may not fit one of you. Um, you...

Body shaming? Durin. Definitely Durin. You emerge into a large rectangular-shaped room with four walls of stone and no path forward. Ooh.

I'll investigate the walls for any like secret doors or I'll look for secret doors I should say Same The rule for investigation? 18 Youth of Janiyah rules as well Youth of Janiyah maybe it's because you saw so well outside it's too dark here and you're not really seeing anything Old eyes Yeah But Durin the walls look like they're moving Guys I'm tripping And now the floor looks to be moving as well

and you realize that it's not the wall and floor moving, it's hundreds of spiders crawling towards you. Okay. Hey, guys, a random question. Is anyone afraid of spiders? No? Okay. Well, there's hundreds of them running at us right now. I actually love spiders. Oh. Yeah. What's the opposite of arachnophobia? Arachnophilia? That's me. The spiders are now at this point coming towards you. Okay.

Anyone? I'm looking. I guess I'll try. Now I'll try, uh, casting. I'd like pick a spot in the middle of them and cast sacred flame. Um,

There you go. Which I guess only attacks a single spider if it really is how it works, but it causes a bright light and radiant damage to occur. Yeah, I'll say a swarm of spiders you can target. Oh, yeah, that's it. Or maybe they'll see what you did to the one spider and be like, oh, we should rethink this. Yeah, I target the biggest one.

bolts of warm light, radiant light, shoots from your hands and a group of spiders just like crumple up and curl their legs, curling up, dying. But it doesn't seem to make much of a dent, though the spiders do seem to like slow their movement towards you.

Can we see like the source of where they're coming from? Like, is there like a hole? They're everywhere. They're just like... They're coming from like all cracks and all places. They're just like... The entire... Basically, imagine the entire walls are made of... Are like covered in spiders. Can I take a... I have a flask of oil. Can I take it and then like...

douse it on the floor in the direction they're coming from and then use a fire starter to, like, start a fire to keep them at bay. Sure. Like a circle of oil? Yeah. Yeah, go ahead and just, like, I guess roll, slide a hand to make sure you, like, spill it correctly and don't get any on you. Fingers crossed. 25. Okay, great. Yeah, you do a perfect circle fire and you light it and it does seem to keep the spiders at bay. Well, we live here now. Can I look at one of the spiders and just, like, determine if it's, like,

poisonous or bad or something. By looking, do you mean, like, with your eyes, or do you, like, reach out and try and pick one up? Usually he looks with his eyes. I'm just saying, like, are you getting a closer look, like, or... Yeah, maybe, like, I have a club, so maybe I kind of, like, scoop one up, and you know how you kind of, like, when you're a kid, you have, like, a stick, and you're, like, letting a spider crawl around on that? So I'm just kind of looking at that. Okay. You're able to get one of the spiders, and it crawls towards you, and...

It doesn't seem poisonous. Roll animal, maybe nature. Nature.

Okay. That is a 12 plus 3, 15. Ooh, not bad. 15, you've seen this spider before in your house and in the tavern, and it's just a house spider. It's not poisonous. Well, everyone, I think we should just walk through them. Yeah, I think we should walk through them. Just close your eyes. Pertain, it's just little feathers touching you. Ooh. Yeah, it's like a... Imagine like a million billion tiny little misogynists all across your body. So is that what you'll do? You'll step over the fire? Sure. Spider.

Spiders, I come in peace. A big crush half of them as we're walking. I am your friend. My name is Sawyer. As you step forward, the spiders seem to kind of make way for it so that you don't step on them. And then once you step forward, they start moving towards you again. And as you all kind of step forward, they all begin to crawl up.

over your bodies and surround you. And now at this point, you're just covered in spiders. They're all crawling all over you. There are some very uncomfortable listeners right now. Massage. Massage. But you feel as if they're pulling you almost. Like up? No, just like guiding you.

You know, I would say do as the spiders say, everyone. Where are we going, tiny spiders? They're taking us to the big spider. Where is it you want us to go? Close your mouth, Sawyer. You didn't need to let them in. So you all follow this? Yeah, we'll follow their guiding. I don't think we have a choice. Following the spiders and not, you know, rushing, you kind of...

make your way forward without stepping on them and they kind of guide you towards one section of the wall and as you get closer the wall almost opens up and you realize that a small path forward existed the entire time but was obscured by thousands of spiders.

Those nasty little guys. You sneaky little spiders. You sneaky little fellas. And she starts tickling one of them. You guys are getting all in the way. This is one of the strangest security measures I've ever seen in my entire life. You know, I think it would work for most people. I suppose. As you make your way into the next chamber of the temple, the spiders begin to crawl off of you. And before long, they've all returned to the walls behind you. As you walk forward into another large stone room, you see several cacti along the wall. Make a dex saving throw.

All of us? Yes. Cool. Seven. Nineteen.

This is my good one. Four. Fourteen. At least I didn't Sawyer it. A dozen needles shoot from the cactuses. Cacti. A dozen needles shoot from the cacti towards you. From the plants. Derwin and Sawyer, I think you're still looking back at the spiders. You're like, wow, look at them go. And then you turn and get nailed in the face with a bunch of... Can I jump in front of Euthygenia and say, Euthygenia!

You're the ones who get hit. I'm fine. No, you already rolled your deck and you failed it. Right, so I'm saying, you're the Janiyah, no! He gets hit because he's saving you. No, that's not exactly how it plays out. What happens is you, the Janiyah, jumps out of the way.

Sawyer gets smacked in the face with a bunch of needles and then yells euthygenia and trips and falls on his face. And let me roll real quick. My brother always smoothies. Well, we had a tiny little baby massages and now we're doing acupuncture. This is an interesting spot. Let's hope there's not some hot rocks around the corner. Sawyer, you take three points of damage and Durin, you take one point of damage. That's right.

I wish the audience could see Gus's smile. He was so proud of that. After you recover from the attacks, one particularly large cacti turns... Cactus. One particularly large cactus turns its body towards you and a mouth opens up on its head. And then it clears its throat and a few needles shoot from it. And then it goes...

Sorry, one more time? Quick, make Chris do this voice as much as possible. One more time? Hello. Is he saying hello? Hello. Hello. Hello there. Friend. Okay. Characters? You can call me Osburn. Osburn. I'm going to call you Ozzy for short. I have a question. Ozzy Osburn? What kind of flowers are on your face?

irises. And he shoots needles at you. What? Uh, tulips. Mine was good too! That was good actually, that's very, very smart. But you got the needles. I think I actually did this when we, when you had the trivia one. I gave an answer that was still true but wasn't the one you wanted. That's right, that did happen. So here it is. Full circle! Darren, make a dexterity saving throw. That is a six. Great. Darren! No! You got a one!

You take another point of damage and then the cactus looks at you, Adeline, and seems to smile. Was that correct, Tulips? Yeah. I think this cactus is coming on to me. I think Osborne likes you. What tree grieves more than any other? We've been willow. Our parents educated us real good. Yes, sister. What kind of tree fits in your hand? Palm tree.

Oh, that's a good one. It's fun. I like these. I like these jokes. I'm gonna write these down. Keep going. Keep going. We're not in the rush. My eye is dark and my mane is yellow and I'm probably taller than you, fellow. He looks at Durin. What am I? I mean... Sunflower. Not a hard achievement being taller than Durin. Adeline, you keep bringing this up over and over. I'm sorry. I just think you're so cute. She like pinches his cheek and just shakes it. What animals can jump higher than a tree?

All of them? Yeah, because trees can't jump. Yes. Oh, tricky. Gustavo Sorolla. I've been on the other end of these before. Yeah. You were on the same website looking up all these dumb pun riddles. Why did the gardener plant a seed in his pond? Now he is just literally doing jokes. It isn't actually like a question. Why did the gardener plant a seed in his pond? Oh, I know the answer to this.

I don't know. Why did the gardener plant the seed in the pond? He shoots. Make it a saving throw. If you'll notice, that was in John's voice. Euthygenia didn't talk. Do it again in Euthygenia's voice, but you're still getting shot needles. John does the bad jokes. Euthygenia always has good things to say. That's a six. I think I know the answer. Euthygenia, no. Euthygenia, you take two.

two points of damage as needles shoot into your horse parts. Just say me. It's me. It's all me. Into your horse parts. Was he trying to plant a watermelon? Is that correct? Oh, wow. I don't remember the joke at this point. He's planting a seed in a pond. Ah, there we go. Thank you.

- He's making himself laugh. - He's now, he's actually just on that website right now. Picking new ones. Tell me I'm wrong. - We've gone past the rule of three. - Tell me you're not on the website. - We're on like number eight or nine. Should we move around and look for other things? - Let the record show Chris did not deny the accusation. - What did the nut say?

What did the nut say when it sneezed? Uh, cashew? Oh! Cashew? Yeah. It seems to clap. It's a little like... So it's like a saguara. Cactus hands. Yeah. The ones that are like... Yeah, they're funny.

I like these jokes a lot. You're fun too, Osborne. Yeah, Osborne, we like you a lot. You wanna come with us? I don't think I'm a bit planted. But you're welcome to go forward. Okay. By the way, Osborne, there's gonna be some people that come in after us and they said that they hate cactus. In fact, I saw them stampede and crush a bunch of cactus outside the caves. Just so you know. Just so you know.

Thank you. They also said that cacti have the worst jokes. Oh, yeah. We hate them. Yeah, they're awful. They're not good people. These weren't jokes. These were difficult riddles. No, they were. They hate those, too. I was just saying they also just hate jokes. Yeah. They have no sense of humor. There's just flavor for building their character. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Jesus and I walked by.

Bye-bye. During walk spike. You make your way past the cacti and follow a long, twisting hallway. You enter another large chamber with steps leading to a wooden door. At the base...

I'm not speaking well this morning. You keep that in the editor, I will fire you. At the base of the steps is a massive statue of a badger. Wait, are these steps going up? Steps going up. To a door at the top. To a door at the top with a large statue of a badger at the top. Wait, there's a door and a badger at the top? Yeah. Okay. Badger in front of the door. Yes. A statue of a badger.

At the top. And go ahead and roll perception really quick. Are there any mushrooms around by any chance? Nice. Badger, badger, badger. Six. 15. 20. Five. Adeline and Durin.

You're just taking in this... We're just singing, badger, badger, badger, mushroom. Euthygenia and Sawyer, behind you, you hear footsteps. It's hard to tell how far back they are. From where we came from. From where you came, sound of footsteps approaching. And Sawyer, only you notice this. Where you came from, like the dust seems to settle strangely.

Yeah, you definitely hear noises coming from that direction. Can Sawyer just jump in the air real quick? Just do a little hop? Yes.

Okay, what happens? Roll for jump. Yeah, let's just see. Let's go roll athletics. Oh, I did acrobatics. Sure, acrobatics. Four. You jump. Like, maybe you were trying to jump as high as you could. Uh-huh. So maybe you overexerted yourself, and you kind of, like, pull your muscle. Oh, my God. And then you kind of, like, trip on your landing and kind of stumble a little. Not completely fall on your face, but you definitely trip.

I-I wanna do a performance check and turn that into a breakdance. Look at me, Euthygenia! I'm hip! E-Euthygenia is-is ignoring the strange man next to her. Word! And is looking- What?!

You know, I'm really uncomfortable seeing my brother try to flirt. You got served. You think you're uncomfortable. Especially with an older woman. It's kind of like a show we would watch as kids. Gross. Yuzuru-chan looks down the hallway towards where she can hear someone approaching. Do you, like, walk forward or do you just listen or what do you... Let's say I've turned around and I'm...

Like readying a defense. Like ready to... Ready at the... At the... Wide of their eyes to throw a spell at them. You turned that way. Ready to fence. Nothing. But is it just continued sound of the steps or is silence? It's silence. All you hear is the howling of the wind through the cavern. Can I scramble up the steps? Yeah. While he's doing that, could I also do just one quick thing? Uh-huh. It turns back around away from the tunnel.

the passages came from. Uh-huh. That's all. Okay. Durin, as you scramble up the steps and approach closer to the statue, there's a crack of stone. The giant stone badger, the statue, begins to move. It turns to face you and growls. It's here to protect something. Roll for initiative.

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Uh, 15. I did a 9. 18. Uh, 3. Youth of Janiyah with an 18. Maybe it's because you turned around ready for battle, but you see this stone badger come to life and you are ready. Cool. I think I'm going to do a nice little cleric thing and buff a couple of my friends. I cast Shield of Faith.

It's a first level spell. Shimmering field appears and surrounds a creature of your choice. I thought it was multiple. One creature. Okay, then. Within range, granting it a plus two bonus to AC for the duration. And since Durin is right up closest to the... What's the range on it?

60 feet. I doubt he went 60 feet. Yeah, yeah. That's about the length of the entire chamber, so you're on the far end of it, though. Cool. He's got plus two AC. Yeah. Up to 10 minutes or it's concentration spell.

Sawyer angels. Euthygenia is going to hate our whole family after this. She's going to punish me. Durin, it is now your turn. A glow of magic surrounds you. Euthygenia raises her hands and then you take a breath. Take a breath. Take a breath and begin to do... The badger coming to life startles me, so I try to shiv it with my dagger.

Okay. That's your reaction to being startled. Yeah, stab. No one startled Darren. Yeah, go ahead and roll attack. That's an 18. It hits. Yay. Roll damage for that.

That is seven points of piercing damage. -Does it seem like your blade would be able to do damage to this stone, but you stab it forward and hit a narrow part of the rock and some of it chips off? -Ooh. -But the giant badger does not like this and it turns immediately and takes a bite at you. -What? That's rude. I was just trying to show it my dagger. -You just stabbed it. -Well, it scared me. -Here, look at my dagger with your face.

I'm just gonna hold my dagger out and swing it at him. You get in my way. It's your own fault. Adeline knows what I'm talking about.

But I guess it's because you were ready for it. You're able to pull your hand back just as it bites forward. And then it scratches with its stone talons though. And that comes and just scratches across your mid-side. That's not fair. Doing... The shield of faith is worthless. It gave you plus two AC. Yeah. Eventually the bite would have gotten you. And it's just this one badger, right? There's not like other stone creatures around? It's just the badger that you see. Okay.

Doing seven points of damage. Whoa! Oh, God. And then it kind of, like, snarls at you. I snarled back at it. And it is now Adeline's turn. How far away am I from it right now? You're kind of towards the back of the cave with... I can tell you're in dirt. Yes. So, yeah, you're probably, like, 30 feet away, 40, 30, 40 feet away. Could I cast Guiding Bolt at the badger? Mm-hmm. And you roll that? Yeah, it's 15 to hit.

Does not... The bolt shoots from your hands. It seems to like... 15 does not hit? No, it glances off the side of the badger and the bolt shoots up into the ceiling and then just dust rains down below you. Fireworks. Does it get in the badger's eyes? No, but it does look cool. Okay. Well, shoot. Sorry, my hands are a little sweaty. Okay.

I guess that's my turn. Yeah, you want to... Movement is the other option. I'll stay where I am. Yep. And now it is Sawyer's turn. Oh. Blaine busy reading the descriptions of his moves. Yeah. Okay, so I have Charm Person, but it's for humanoids. Would this be considered a humanoid? It's standing on two feet. It's a giant stone badger. Right. Okay.

Go for it. Go for it. That's good. Chris, yes, ending the dumb. I wanted to charm it. Your charms are ineffective against euthygenia. She's not even what I guess. I don't know. All right, well, then I'll just do a dissonant whispers.

Did you really pronunciate that? Whisper. Whisper? How do I do this? Spells. How do magic? How magic? You used to shoot bow all the time. I know how to roll damage, but I don't know how to roll the spell itself. You just hit cast. Well, with Dissonant Whisper, it's just a save. I think it's a wisdom saving throw. Which, what was the number for that? 13. 13.

Yeah, tell us what happens. I see that it tried to hurt my sister and that her attack was unsuccessful and I say, why you no good rotten vomit, all good or nothing. And I whisper a bunch of

Bad words that I can't say on this podcast. Oh. Naughty. There's a bunch of asterisks and pound signs and exclamation marks. That's going to be a lot of coins for the square jar. And then it takes 3d6 psychic damage. And then also it has to run away from you, correct? Yes.

So I'll do damage right now. I'm assuming it didn't save? No, it did not. It was not prepared for those bad words. Yeah. That's a nine for damage. And then I say, get back! Get back, Robin! Get! Get! Can I make it go down the hall towards the footsteps? It's on the stairs. Yeah, I mean, it would run through all of you. Oh, okay. So you could try that. Well, can I, like... I guess there's no way for me to, like, adjust myself to, like...

The base of the stairs? Nah, kind of just like... It pretty much just kind of runs back up towards the stairs. But it does like... It seems to be damaged and then like some flakes of stone fall from it as it runs away. Is it crumbling? I would say it's crumbling, but it seemed like the whispers were effective. Okay. Cool. And it is now Euthygenia's turn.

but still in our presence. It hasn't run away. Yeah, it's just kind of, it's what ran back up towards the stairs. Yeah, the top of the stairs. I think what Yuzunai would do with her turn is, where's the thing? It's preserve life. As an action, you can restore 10 HP, choose any creature within 30 feet of you and divide those hit points among them. So I do that to Durin. Ooh. I assume that takes you to top off? How much? 10. Oh, yeah. Good.

It's the Durin Show. One of us is... No, you did something wrong. And then with her movement action, I want you, Janaya, to turn around and cautiously, 10 to 20 feet, go down the hallway that we came towards whatever that sound was that was behind us. Okay. Yeah, you head back down that way. She's abandoning us. Get her. On the way, do a dex save. Do a dex save.

On the way, one of your hosts steps on a plate on the ground, something that you didn't see previously. Like a ceramic plate? No, no, like a... Oh, like a thurser plate. Yes, yeah, and it sinks down, and all of a sudden, arrows shoot out from the sides of the walls at you and do... Wait, okay, that's weird.

Do one point of damage. Okay. Give it a reversal. I'm kind of confused what to do with that information since it was... There was a trap that you hadn't stepped on, but on your retreat, you do step on it that time. I should not be going back that way. Any sign of what was making the sound prior? You don't see anything.

Do you hear anything? But you are, yeah, you are a good ways away from the badger at this point. Dern, it's now your turn. I don't want to get close to it again. Go stab it, Dern. It's on you. No, it ran back up the stairs. Oh, because of the snitch. Yeah, I'm scared, bitch. Oh, man, I'm scared. I'm going to do something new. Okay. I'm going to pull out my short bow and take a shot at it from a distance. All right. We'll see if it hits. Wait, is it a short bow?

It's a long bow for me. It's a long bow for me. It's all about perspective. 22. 22, yeah, that hits. The arrow flies through, striking it for eight points of damage. Yeah, that's great. You landed your spell. Yeah, you did more damage than me.

Yeah, but you look real cool doing that. Yeah, the arrow shoots towards the badger and it's, you know, at this point kind of turning around from its retreating up the stairs. And as it turns around, the arrow flings right towards it, hits it right in the stone eye. It looks really cool. Really, really cool. Pretty cool. Yeah. Did you see that, Sawyer? Is there anything else you want to do?

Just sorry, one second. I'm checking. Bonus actions. You want action, sir? You want to do a backflip? What do you want to do? He's not a... Nothing else. He's a rogue. No, no. That would be pretty cool. That would be pretty cool. I'll tell you what. Yeah, I will do a bonus action. All right. I'm going to hide. Ooh. Wait, is that a thing? Rogues can do that. And then we're going to... Like it's a...

Like a bonus action? A trait? Yeah, it's like a bonus action. How does it read that? I believe since I'm of a small size, I can hide behind any other creature that's one size bigger. So I can hide behind any medium creature. So who are you hiding behind? I'll hide behind Sawyer. So yeah, the way it would work is I make a stealth roll and then I have to beat the passive perception of any creature I'm trying to hide from. Okay, go ahead and roll that.

And it also can be contested by any perception from any creature that's actively searching for me. Okay. There it is.

Yeah, you are safely hidden. Okay. So your grips is conquered. The stone badger, it probably also helped that you hit it in the eye with the arrow. It's also a good stealth roll. Don't take that away from me. Yeah, I mean, I think it's all of the above. It's just all really cool actions all around it. Everything you did was super cool looking. Oh, so where's the hero? Doran's the hero. And the stone badger charges forward to where it thought you were and goes to Mawgat.

Maul Sawyer. This is the worst. You're welcome. It rolls. Comedy. But it does not hit. Oh, good. And then takes a swipe with its claw. Extra funny, the guy with the shield buff is hiding behind the bard. I'm also a rogue. I haven't been able to do any sneak attacks this entire campaign. I gotta hide to get my sneak attack off. And it connects with you.

Sawyer? Yeah, it connects. It's Claw slash at you and do six points of damage. And now it is Adaline's turn. All right, before I do my action, I realize that Durin is missing and I go, Durand, Durand? Where are you?

That's all Barb's been doing this entire time is trying to figure out exactly how to phrase this direct joke. And I would have it no other way, Barbara. Thank you. That's who I am. Checked down by Rio. No matter what character I'm playing, I'll always make dumb jokes. I would like to cast my mind sliver at

Badger, which is a disorienting spike of psychic energy into the mind of one creature I could see within range. Target must succeed on an intelligent saving throw or take 1d6 of psychic damage and subtract a d4 from your next saving throw as well, if you fail. Yeah, I wonder if there's an extra little, some bonus stuff. What was the saving throw? 12, intelligent saving throw. Yeah, that's gonna hit, so...

Describe what happens as you, what, shoot it with your mind? Mind bullets! I see this badger take a swipe. My dear brother. And I go, oh, badger, badger. That's not very nice. And she puts her hands on her temples and just shoots this mind sliver at this badger. This is such a dumb show. I mean, in the best way. It only does three damage, but it also has to subtract a D4 from its next saving throw. I like that. Yeah.

Oh, that actually sets me up for great success. Very nice. Sorry, I don't know why that came out. Very nice. Great success. Jesus. My name's Sawyer. My name is Sawyer. Yeah, it only does three points of damage, but that's enough. There's a burst of rocks that explode from the stone badger, and the air is filled with a cloud of dirt. We keep killing rocks. That's what you get when you mess with the bovon.

When the dust settles, you see that the badger has returned to its original resting place and appears once again to be normal, non-aggressive stone. Wait, so it exploded and then in the spot where it used to be? The entire cavern exploded with dust and dirt. And then when it settles, it's returned back to where it was. Yeah, so that's what I was going to say. So it's back where it was and the door is now open. We need to kill it again. The path forward is clear. Could we just do a quick...

check to make sure there's nothing on the ground. Like, did it drop anything? Did it have anything with it? Do an investigation. Just you or is there anyone else? I'll see how to do that and I'll want to join in. I'm going to use my inspiration die on that. Because I really, I do want to investigate. Didn't help much, but 11. 18 for Durin. I'm lower to the ground. It's easier for me. Yeah. Do you don't

see anything that it's left behind, but, Durin, you do notice several traps on the floor. Oh, that's no good. You're able to point them out. Yeah, I will not disarm them. I'll point them out to the party. That way we can leave them for anyone that might be following us. Okay. Good call.

and you don't see anything else besides the traps. Can I make, like, a quick note? Just scribble down more or less where they are. That way, if we have to come back through here, I'll remember. Yeah. I'm going to channel divinity and use preserve life again while we have a moment and restore my... Wait, who took... Did someone get hit hard? Oh, yeah, it was you. I was like, someone took more damage. I can cure my own wounds, though. I do it.

It costs nothing. Oh, okay. It is considered a class feature, and it's only helpful now while you're, like, low level because 10 HP ain't nothing later on. So I get 10 HP? Yeah. Thank you, my busty savior. As Euthygenia is kindly sending to her hero...

You hear, this time behind you, sounds of movement, and this is much more clear. It seems to be a lot more clear. Okay, so it's clearly, I think Giza Geni can come to the conclusion that it's the Cult of Shadow behind us. You don't know what it is. Before, something sounded like faint, you know, and this is like there's something approaching. Giza breached Osborne's defenses. Hurry to the door! Giza. Yeah, I come back through the hallway,

and try to shoo my party along quicker. There's summons on our rear. We need to go. Adeline picks up her skirt and starts scurrying. Badger, attack them. So you walk past the badger into the... Yes. Okay. I pat the badger on the head. Don't touch it. No, he goes...

It made a noise? You enter a large shrine with murals depicting battles against shadowy creatures. There's a stairway in the center leading up to a single pedestal, upon which rests the unmistakable shape of a single black key. Are these murals, like, painted on the wall, or are they, like, hanging? Can we, like, lift them? No, they're, like, painted on the walls, like curses. They're not something you can lift.

But this seems like a room that we should rush up towards that key with any checking. I don't know. Maybe we should look around a little bit first. Roll for investigation. I'll investigate as well.

Ten. Eighteen. That's a nine. Adeline and Durin, as you all are investigating, you hear footsteps. Coming from which direction? All the directions. Some walls open up around the chamber and coming up from behind you as well. Dozens of figures in cloaked white robes surround you from all sides. Weapons drawn. Arrows, swords, spears, and wands all aimed at you. These aren't the...

Cult people, right? Because those are black rogues, right? And they're moving to attack.

We mean you no harm. We're just looking around. They continue advancing to attack until a loud voice yells, Stop! The hooded figures freeze several blades inches away from you. Then several of the cloaked figures step aside to make a path as the smallest of the group slowly limps forward. As he pulls back his hood, you see the familiar face smiling, but bruised and swollen and one arm in a sling. Smiley. Uh...

Do you, stupid lot? I'll tell you now, you're not taking the key. Why? All of us are guardians of light. We are a society sworn to protect the keys to the Shadowmane.

We've guarded them over decades to keep them safe from any who might attempt to open the doors to the Shadowmane. Are you implying that Asafi's not a good dude? Because I know we don't like the Church of Shadows. I mean, let's be real. Wow, you said church. Church? Church. Church of Shadows! Sorry, that badger fight kicked up a lot of dust. You said Janiyah Pats him on the back. Church, church.

Interesting. I never trust that man anyways.

It's not come to surprise at all. What did he tell you of his intentions? Uh, I guess he didn't, did he? Well, what he said he wanted to do with the keys was wanted to protect them from being used to open up the door that they, uh, they had the locks to. Yeah, but now that you're saying it, it kind of sounds like he is, in fact, the villain. Yes, clearly. Yeah. Yeah, that's a lot of bologna and beans. Do you have any beans? I don't. Can't get them on the white robe.

If he wanted to protect the gateway to the Shadow Mane, then he wouldn't have taken the key from me. Wait, I thought you took the key from him. No, he took... We got the key. Okay. And then Asafi had it, and then so then Smiley took the key, and then Asafi got it back from Smiley. Oh. Well, he has two keys now. Yes. He's attempting to collect all three keys, something that should never be done.

My only suspicion is that he's collecting them to gain power. Now, I have a question for you, uh, Smiley, sir. Yes? Uh, if you guys are the sworn protectors of the key,

Why were we so easily able to get the other two? Oh, that's a good question. The first key was already stolen. So you took it from the cult of the Shadowmane. You're welcome, by the way. The second key has been long protected by the golems. And only recently have they been weakened to the point that the key was able to be taken. So do you guys have like an alliance with the golems? Yes. Oh, cool. Oh, so are we the bad guys?

Are we the baddies? We did not kill all of them. We're the bad guys. Are we the baddies in this situation? We definitely need that key back when we're done with all this. Where do we go from here, Smiley? Because Asaphie's got two keys. He has two of the keys. Where is he? He poofed. He disappeared. Well, to be clear, we left him to deter the cult of the shadow who was approaching our ear. Yeah, but Asaphie's kind of a coward. So for him to say, oh, I'm going to protect you. And then he runs over to the cult of shadows.

Do we not know that he's working for the cult? Can I make an insight check on what Smiley's saying just to see if I believe it? Sure. I do as well. 18. Yeah. 16. Oh, okay. Good roll. Smiley is not one to hide his emotions. If anything, he won't say anything, but he's saying things and everything he says, you believe to be true.

Making a lot of sense here. We have a potion that supposedly we can use that will take us back to him. You said he went to go distract. It's what he said he was going to do. The Trojans' shadows. Yeah, he ran out of the beach. The company that was approaching, we dispatched them not 15 minutes ago. There was no sign of Asafi. Maybe he went to Trojans' chicken to celebrate after. Delicious. Where else do you know of his location? We throw this potion, it'll take us to him. Yeah.

Well, then get on it because you're wasting our time and distracting us from dealing. We're trying to, we're being helpful. What's this tone? I don't like it. If we all cuddle together and we throw the blue potion down, we can all surprise him. You know, you could be there. Well, get on with throwing the potion because you're wasting our time and distracting us from dealing. What? What is it? Smiley's beady eyes widen in panic and he spins around. The pedestal, which was moments ago held the third key to the shadow main, is now barren.

You guys are doing a real poor job. Yeah. The key is gone. That's embarrassing. That wasn't us. That was not us. That was on you. You were looking at us the whole time. Find out what Asaphie wants. Will he open the door to the Shadowain? And why did he choose Euthygenia, Durin, Adeline, and Sawyer to help him? Because one of us is the Chosen One. Chosen One. Find out on the finale of the Chosen One campaign. Dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun.

Thanks to everyone that interacts with us on social media. Here are some NPCs in this episode named after folks that used hashtag StinkyDragonPod or just promoted the show. Osborne, the wisecracking cactus or cacti, whatever it was, was named after Andrew Osborne or at Andy underscore 04 on Twitter. Thanks for listening to Tales from the Stinky Dragon and be sure to tune in next time for the finale of our thrilling mini-adventure of The Chosen Ones. The Chosen Ones