Tavern Tales - The Chosen One(s) Ep. 01- Will They Choose To Save The World?
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This podcast is supported by FX's English Teacher, a new comedy from executive producers of What We Do in the Shadows and Baskets. English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job, while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

All right, I'm gonna start. Yeah. No laughing. Keep that in. Tell that to the audience. Hey there, friend. Yeah, you. Yeah, you're my friend. And friends buy each other drinks, right? Yeah, I'll take a rat foot float. Easy on the rat foot. Thank you, friend. How about I return the favor with a drink for your ear holes? Fuck.

You ever heard the story of the chosen one? Eh? It's a good one. Worth at least four, five rat feet floats. Now settle down, get comfy. This is Stinky Dragon after all, and I've got a tale for you. Welcome to Tales of the Stinky Dragon. Woo!

Who the hell are you? Chris Diamaris. I will be guiding the story for the next five episodes. A little mini campaign. But I will not be telling it. The four of you will be telling it. He's actually talking to you, the audience, if you're with four people right now. Everyone say who you are and say hi. I'm John Reisinger. I'm Blaine Gibson. I'm Gustavo Sorolla. And he's

And I'm playing. I'm Barbara Dunkelman. I'm going to derail. I'm going to, I'm going to Chris this up. Oh gosh. The ultimate revenge. And for any new listeners who might be joining,

If you're new to D&D, it's really easy. My friends will each be playing a character with unique skills and abilities based on what they want to do in this world. I'll occasionally ask them to make a skill check. They roll the dice and what happens next depends on what they roll. Generally, the higher role, the better. That's all you need to know to get started as far as D&D goes. But

The rest of it is just fun storytelling. Yeah. Love it. I'm so excited. Good. Me too. I'm excited to be on this side of the screen. I know. It's like, ah, only one browser window open. But don't worry, you'll be back DMing after this mini campaign for our next big campaign. Well, if y'all are ready, we shall start. Sure. I can't do this. I can't do this. A woman in the throes of labor gasps in pain. Next.

I said not to laugh. A woman in the throes of labor gasps in pain. There is no amount of guessing that would have gotten me to that point after you said, I can't do this, I can't do this. Next to her, a very sweaty man takes her hand. You can do this, Sandra. We can do this.

Her husband takes a quick glance at what's hidden under the blanket between her legs and gives his wife a reassuring smile, then passes out cold onto the floor of the small wooden hut. The pregnant woman rolls her eyes, turns to the midwife at the foot of the bed, an elderly female centaur named Euthygenia. How do you say that? My name is Euthygenia. Euthygenia Faithburn. Yeah.

I can't do this. Oh, don't worry dear, I've done this a thousand times. We'll get that baby right out and we'll pop it on their head with a little hello. But I've only done it once and what if this is the thousandth time? That doesn't work. Well, that's more of your problem than mine, but we've got the blessings of the Lord on our side and a good day to have a baby.

Okay

And then bring it again. And then my husband, is he okay? Yeah, he's fine. Okay. Okay, but now, should something be happening? What race is this woman? She's human. Human, okay. I'm not very common. I know I've said I've delivered a thousand babies. Only two have been human. But no, we're fine, we're fine. They went well. I believe they lived. So, you just need to push. Huh?

Just- just Ted- just come on. Can you try it? Deity. Deity. This is your baby. No, it's not. You're mistaken. I'm here looking at what's happening in your body. Okay? Now push harder. And suddenly there's movement. The baby begins to, uh, be born. Crown. Crown. Crown is the word. Yeah, be born. Be born. Be born.

I love the single bachelor who has no children explaining this process. Euthygenia. Euthygenia. Roll an animal handling check. I like how small Chris's mouth gets when he says your character's name. Euthygenia. There's less room for error if it's small. Yeah, roll animal handling. 18. Nice. Pretty good. That is very good. The baby crowns. Shoot.

Shoots into the arms of you. I cannot wait for Micah to do the foley for this. It's the miracle of birth. Wow. Shoots into the loving hands of Euthygenia. Got it. And not only do you catch the baby and it begins to cry like it should, like a baby should cry, but also with your other hand, you nourish back the health of the husband. Oh, man. Oh, wow. I'm skilled. You're all over the place. I'm plumb this baby.

Later that night, Eithjaniah cleans up her small hut alone, and...

Describe what Euthygenia looks like now that she's not in the middle of delivering a baby. Yeah, I mean, she's a centaur. She's an older centaur, so she's kind of got gray hair all over. She is a larger woman, has put on just a little bit of pounds, but she's more, you could describe her more sturdy. Sturdy. Yeah, she's built strong and tall. How many hands tall?

Euthygenia is a midwife, but is a cleric as well.

Okay. Well, as she's cleaning up and preparing for bed, she hears a voice. Madam Eutigenia. Did I pronounce that correct? You did, dearie. Thank you so much. I require your services. Are you pregnant? No. Peering in from an open window is a lanky human in blue robes with an impressively patchy long gray beard. You might describe his general aesthetic as elegantly dusty. He smiles, focused. I am Asafi, the Great Wizard.

The great wizard of our time. And I need your help saving the world. That seems like a big task. Yes, it always is. You see, I had a vision. And you, Yutha Janai, are the chosen one.

The Great One from the prophecy. The only one strong enough to save us from the great evil that threatens our world. Feels like this should have been brought to my attention before I was in my later years. I was going to say before I was in my jammies. Surely, though, you've known that you're special, Yuta-chan. You know, I mean, everybody thinks they're special, but it's nice to hear someone say it for once. I love this. I'm so happy. No.

No, but surely things have happened, magical things. Things always seem to work out. I suppose. I do live in a world full of magic. I'm half human and half horse, so that seems a bit odd. But, I mean, maybe. I mean, I don't know. It's been a long and full life. Have you not ever wanted to be a hero to save the world? I have, to be honest. Not really.

I feel like it's Mr. Glass talking to Bruce Willis in Unbreakable right now. Have you ever been sick a day in your life? Like the old heroes from the legends, like the Infinites and others from the past. Have you never read those stories and wanted to be one? Well, yes, I've read the stories, but, you know, I've just always wanted to be a midwife, and I achieved that, and that's really been my goal, dear. Well, you're not just a midwife. You're the chosen one.

and I need your help to save the world. Okay, well, let me make a cup of tea first, and then we can talk about it. No, time is short. You can shut your trap right now. I'm gonna have tea, okay? You're in grave danger. Uh-oh, that's the worst kind. Time is short. Speak to no one about this. Now meet me in Old Bouldery in a fortnight, room three of the Smoking Barrel. If you drop there, there's really good loot, but it can be pretty crowded.

And then he flosses out the door. Yeah. Oh, okay. Fortnite. I could not figure out what the joke you were making. Oh, there's the joke. Yeah. I was confused, too. It sounded like coming from a mile away. And without another word, he's gone. Curtains billowing in the warm summer breeze. That was a weird encounter. I should go tell somebody. Hello, please.

Smudgy.

Durin, my boy, flowers don't kill themselves. I mean, how did you let this happen? Oh, I tried my best. I guess I must have just not been able to reach those and water those. I didn't see them in the back. My arms are so stubby. They're in the front! They're in the front garden! Yeah, but, you know, it's all about angles and soil. It's very, very technical. I guess I just didn't get to them.

You're the gardener. That's why I pay you to garden. Yeah, yeah, and I try my best. I'm getting better. Not all the flowers are dead anymore, right? Right? No, they're all dead pretty much. And the front ones are the most important. Well, perhaps we can have the guests come from the back entrance from now on. We have the canopy in the front. We've already set up the canopy for Miss Maggie's 55th and 1 8th year birthday celebration. Well, that sounds like a problem for the groundskeeper. Oh.

You're very, very correct, Durin. This does sound like a problem for the groundskeeper. And that is no longer your problem! What am I being promoted to? Perfect. I'm afraid to say, you're being promoted.

I'm actually afraid to say it. Just, you know what you're being. So how many groundskeepers will I be overseeing? Is it two or three? Effective immediately, Durin. You're fired. Now turn in your trowel and your badge. No, no, no, no. Come on. Durin, you've gone and made me late for first mid-afternoon tea. Before you go, clean up this mess of flowers. And I want to list on my desk a five potential replacement godness. But you already fired me. And they better be good. I like how he's making that face.

Your name is at stake here. My name? Not on the paper. Five other names, not your name, but your good name is at stake. These recommendations better be good. You think I have a good name? Okay. Just leave. And he exits, and Durn, you're left standing in the study. What do you do?

Steel stuff, steel stuff, steel stuff. I guess if I'm on my way out, where are the office supplies? Can I load up with staplers and printer paper? Is that what halflings are known for having? I was thinking about getting fired. Yeah, a big old treasure chest filled with paperclips. Well, I guess if I'm in the study before I go, I'm feeling pretty sentimental. I'm going to want to grab a couple books on the way out. Mm.

Okay. What category books are you looking for? The gilded category. Gilded? What does that mean? Like gold leaf pages. Oh, very fancy. Fancy looking books. First editions. Originals. What are those little kids books called? Little golden books? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But not real gold, though. Oh, gold back? And you're taking these? Yeah, why not? Can you do a sleight of hand check? Yeah. Let me do a little sleight of hand here for you. Boom. Is there no chicken soup for the halfling soul? I got a 17 on my sleight of hand. Wow.

Okay. All those years of working in the dirt, my little fingers are sticky. You deftly pull out several very expensive looking books and a gold bookmark. Ooh, like solid gold bookmark? Solid gold. Ooh, I'm adding that to my inventory. Yes, please do. And one of the books, Draconic for Dummies. It's very popular. What class were you in?

Yeah, and describe what your character looks like as he's stealing these books. Yeah, so one second. I'm just adding these into my inventory real fast for chronic for dummies. Professional D&D player over here with us now. He's going to remember to add things to his inventory. So my character is pretty small, three feet tall.

Male halfling's got a very impressive mustache. He looks uncomfortable at all times and is always kind of shifting around foot to foot, like a little fidgety. - Sweaty boy? - Yeah, a little sweaty boy. - And he's been a gardener? - Yeah, he's been, he's bounced around a little bit, but he really does love gardening. But on the side, he's been known to have some sticky fingers and have some roguish tendencies. - Oh. - He's not a rogue, he just has roguish tendencies. - Yeah, roguish tendencies.

And you take the books. Anything else you're looking for? Let me think. A study? No, I think the books and a bookmark would be good. Okay, as you slip them into your bag, a voice leans over your shoulder. Might I suggest an adventure's guide to being a hero? Ooh. Oh, yes, yes, that's a good one. And then a large human in blue robes with a...

long gray beard, picks up a book and hands it to you. Yes, here you go now. We should get out of here before he returns. Great. You go out the back door. I'll go out the front door. No, we'll both go out the back door. Oh, okay. You go in front of me. Yes, follow me. And then you quickly escape out the back door, noticing the flowers are very dead along the way. Well, that's someone else's problem now.

Yes. Now, I am Asafi. Asafi? A great wizard. The great wizard. The? The great wizard of our time. I can't believe I'm meeting someone I've never heard of. Durin? Yes? I need your help. Okay. Saving the world.

You are more than just a simple gardener. Wow. Durin, you are the chosen one. Me? You are the one destined to save this world. That sounds lucrative. Are you hearing this, Euthygenia? You are the one from the prophecy. The prophecy? What prophecy? The prophecy to save the world. To save the world? You are the chosen one. The chosen one? Did you not notice that you're special? I always thought so. Yes, the

that you're just magical and that things always work out for you. Magic? Yes. You just got fired. Listen. This is for the best. I know you may just be a simple gardener, but you're so much more than that, okay? Simple? You may just be a gardener, simple or not. Maybe you're complex. I don't know your emotions. Yeah. Now, Durin, will you take up the Chosen One's quest? Will you save the world? I assume there's a big pot of gold. Naturally.

There's always a Puddle Boss. Yes. Time is short, and you are in grave danger. Who? You! Me? Yes! Why? Because you're the chosen one!

Do you also have very short-term memory loss? Now speak to no one about this and meet me here in three days. And he shoves a piece of paper in your hand, written on it, an address in Old Boulderay. Old Boulderay? Old Boulderay. Boulderay. And a list of five replacement gardeners. Oh, thanks. These are quality applicants? They have a good resume? I mean...

You know them better than he does. Five assassins. Did you think that wizard sabotaged your garden to get you fired? Ooh. What? Good thing you didn't sabotage Euthygenia's birth. No, I was prepared for it to go wrong. Okay. Weird. Three days. Old boulder, eh? And he's gone. Oh, okay. As you look up from the list of names, he's gone. Okay. Well, I guess I need to go put these...

on my old boss's desk. He could have given me these inside. We went outside. Yeah, I just crumpled up the paper and put it on the ground. What do I care about that guy? He fired me. You should plant it.

Now, we're at the Drowning Cat Tavern. Oh, sad. Yeah. A human female in a stained apron rolls up her sleeves. She carries a drunk lizard man out the door. But Adeline, you're even more beautiful than my wife. Oh, honey, don't I know it, but it's Adeline for the last time, and you're not gonna grab anyone in my tavern. Now, scoot! No, no, there's still time to drink. It's only midnight. Midnight's when we close, dearie. Noted. Ha ha ha!

All right, I'll see you tomorrow, 7 a.m. sharp. He kind of tries to turn around and go back towards the bar. I give him a pat on the butt and say, oh, no, scoot now, Derek. Get on out of here. She touched my butt. Score. And then he starts heading for the door, and then right whenever he gets to the edge, he turns...

Did I tell you that you're more prettier than my wife? Yes, you did several times. Okay. But your wife is very much known to be kind of homely amongst this town. I know. She's back home and we're here. Well,

Maybe have her come visit me next time. But then where will I be? Maybe at home taking care of your kids, dear. Oh. It becomes clear he's not moving on his own. Could I use my mage hand to pick him up by the scruff of the neck and kind of shove him along outside? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's there? Who's there? And then he just trips and falls, and you're able to shut the door. Okay. And lock it. Going back up.

There's a bang at the door. That scared me. I nearly pooped myself. Uh, yes. She calls through behind the door, doesn't open it. Did I ever tell you that you're as pretty as my life? No prettier. No, actually. Thank you so much. Now get the hell out of here.

She cast charm person and asked him to head home. Blaine, can you make a check against that? Oh God, sure. The jerk's you. Because outside of the door was not the lizard man. It was your brother. What, what's my, what check? It's a wisdom save. A wisdom saving throw. Sorry, sorry. That's a 21. Okay.

And you're aware that she just cast the spell on you. Okay. You're now trying to get in. Okay. Oh, dear sister, it is just me, your brother Sawyer. I have already been charmed by your visage. There's no need to cast magic upon me.

Uh, sure. I'll do it here. Uh...

You're here to tell us about some bad news that happens. Okay. Describe your character. What do you look like? Sawyer is wearing a white suit, and he's got a lovely mustache. I love how you're describing your character in your character's voice. I'm still trying to navigate this voice. Listen, Kyborg had no accent, no voice, so this is... I'm trying to... I'm trying to territory. Sawyer is a lawyer, and he's also known to play a ditty from time to time. He's a bard. Oh!

A bar! That's right. A bar. That's "bard" in English. Uh, and he carries a cane. 'Cause he thinks it makes him look fancy. How many- how many secret seasons and spices does he use? Oh, that's a good one. Uh, I've come bearing bad news, my dear sister. Oh no! There has been a backwards development in my case, uh, to save the orphanage. Oh dear.

I know how hard you've been working on that. Yes, as you recall, uh, many years ago, my first case as a lawyer, Sawyer the lawyer, I lost a case against a big business, and they had to shut down the orphans, orphanage, and I lost it so bad that the orphans ended up having to pay the business all that they possessed, so I am still trying to reopen the orphanage and bring the orphans back to their home at the orphanage.

Wow. It's no surprise that you're one of those big fans of Laura's with the way you talk, brother. Ah, yes. He uses all the words. All of them. Adeline, can you describe yourself, too, and, like, what your relationship is with your brother? Yeah. Adeline Beauvant, she's a barmaid, works at a tavern, but she's also a...

sorcerer as well. She's a short, more rotund lady. She's about five foot three. She's a human. She has dark brown, curly hair, blue eyes,

Kind of like an olive complexion. Very kind eyes as well. Someone who you look at and you instantly like. I feel like she has a very good relationship with her brother. Very kind of motherly, even though they are the same age. And y'all are twins. We are twins. Yeah. The same kind of physical characteristics could be said for Sawyer. I just described his white suit. White. I also hear that Adeline's more beautiful than that lizard man's wife. Yes. But it's a low bar, honey. Okay.

Well, as you're consoling your brother, do you give him a drink or anything like that? Here, honey, I know what you like. She pours him an apple juice. With a straw. My most favorite beverage. The sweet nectar of the orchard. Aww.

It's your son. Oh, we have fully. Micah can put in a door knock. Is it that creepy man again who said you are more beautiful than his poor wife? You know, it's very possible. We have a couple regulars here who like to disturb the peace. The answer is a muffled explosion. Sparks shoot through the hinges of the door, and a second later, the heavy wooden door clatters to the ground.

You will be paying for my sister's door. I will not forgive these damages. Beyond the door is Ossifee the wizard. He rushes in. Hello, I'm Ossifee, a great wizard, the great wizard. I need your help to save the world. You are the chosen one from the great prophecy, and you are going to save the world from great evil. Sorry, one more time. I'm Ossifee the great wizard, the great wizard of the world. I need your help to save the world. You're the chosen one from the prophecy. I'm the chosen one?

He notices Saria for the first time. Both of you are the chosen ones. You're both the chosen ones. Now, there's a great danger. Have you never noticed anything special about both of you? I mean, we are. You're both very special. Lots of magic to you. All right, now, we don't have time here. Both are in great danger. Tell no one to leave immediately. And he...

Throws a couple of paper at you and runs off his legs flailing wildly from under his robes. See you tomorrow man I thought people had trouble understanding our accent That was one interesting gentleman. I would like to look at this paper. You uncouple the paper and paper it befuddles me What could be on this paper? We uncouple the paper. The game is afoot. A little of Benoit Blanc here. Yeah, I like it.

Address, Old Boulderay for the Smoking Barrel Inn. - Room three? - Yes. Now, at the Smoking Barrel Inn the next day, an inn atop the highest hill in Old Boulderay, Adeline? - Adeline. - Adeline and Sawyer knock on a door with a number three on it. - Would you say it's adorned? - Adorned with a number three. - Hold on, let me... - Very good knock, sister. - So bad. - I hurt my hand.

A gnome with a scowl on his face with no hair that looks not unlike a thumb opens the door. Smiley. Ray Cyrus? What? Smiley. Oh, Smiley! Smiley? Is that your name? Yeah. Oh, pleasure to meet you. Adeline Bowie.

I'm Beaumont here and this is my brother Sawyer. I'm Sawyer. You may call me Sawyer, the lawyer at your service. He's already gone. He's returned to the messy room where inside is Durin, the former gardener, and Euthygenia, the midwife. He returns to cooking beans at the stove. Delicious. Y'all are welcome to enter. Hello, good sir. Oh, hello. What is your name? I'm Durin. Oh, Durin. Do you need a good lawyer? Yeah.

Ooh, that's never a bad- do you have a card? I do! You know, he might need a lawyer after being fired without cause. It's, uh, never bad to be friends with a lawyer. Mmm, yes. Well, I'm a lawyer at your service! I put my hand out waiting for your card. Oh, here it is! Thank you. I'm gonna put it in my inventory. Madam!

How are you? I'm doing fine, dear. What are you two doing here? You know, we were visited by this old wizard, very fast-talking wizard, who said that we were the Chosen Ones? Yes, collectively, we are the Chosen One. Are you part of his team? Are you here to help us, guide us into figuring out what our purpose is?

Well, dear, I fear that we may have all been swindled by this wizard because I believe he might have given you the same pitch that he gave me and my new friend here, Durin. He might be giving us beans, too, though. No. Those are mine. I mean, maybe. Those are your beans? Unless he's the wizard in disguise. Oh, are you a wizard in disguise? Reveal yourself! What? Okay, he is just smiley.

As you're talking, an old lady in a stained floral dress enters and glances around the room. She checks the time. Where are the others? The others? This is it. This is it? You're not going to be able to maintain that voice very long. This is an audio podcast. Old woman, do you need assistance? I got some cough syrup in my back pocket. She puts her hands to her face and tears out a chunk of her hair. Oh!

I've got a dagger. I can end this real quick. Ah! Hairless Hutch would love this. Must we restrain this woman? I'm fixing to get out of here, y'all. Smiley backs away, too. He's like, oh. And then suddenly, she goes, poof, goes rigid and falls stiffly to the ground like a plank of wood. Oh!

Howling in pain. She's still making noise on the ground? Yep. Can I walk over and like close her, like put my hand over her mouth or like a cloth over her mouth to try to silence her? Yeah, but before you get to it, Smiley's like, no, no. And he grabs a blanket and gestures you to help cover her up. Okay, yeah, yeah, I'll do that. And you toss the blanket over her. She's screaming in pain. Smiley, can we do anything about the sound? About the noise? There's more than one way to skin a cat. What if you give her some of your beans?

While Azur's speaking, she suddenly goes silent. She's dead. I pull the blanket up to cover her head and her eyes. Someone call it. I have just witnessed an untimely death. Suddenly, Asafi springs from the tattered blanket and emerges from a pile of wrinkled skin and hair, still wearing the old lady's floral dress. Ha ha! Just a little parlor trick of mine, a simple spell to disguise oneself.

Truly a great wizard. As he speaks, a large flap of old lady skin still hangs from his nose. Thank you, thank you. I'll knock it off with a dagger.

I would like to congratulate you, Durin, for your keen eye in spotting me. You knew that I was not in danger and that it was purely a disguise. Here you go. Here's a little gift. It's a magic coin that always lands heads up. Oh, that's very handy. I'll take that. More very heady. As you look at the magic coin, you see it's Asafi's face on it, and both sides have his face on it.

Both sides are heads, so it's not that it always lands heads up. It always lands heads up. Got it. It has to land heads up. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit. That might come in handy later. Well, I must thank all of you for joining. You're welcome. What did we join exactly, dear? You're going to save the world. Right. From? A great evil. Right, right, right. And there's pay. Yeah.

I must apologize for the subterfuge as it was necessary. See, there are enemies everywhere and they wish for nothing else but to kill me, the great Asafi. I'm going to give Smiley a wary glance. Yeah, he gives it back.

So let me get this straight. The evil we're protecting the world from is because someone wants to kill you? Yes, they want to kill me for they know that I and my loyal squire Smiley are the only ones that stand in their way until now. It might ask why you must require a lawyer, a barmaid, a gardener, ex-gardener, and a wet nurse. Is that what you are? No. What do you think a wet nurse does?

nursing in the water. I don't know what it's gonna be called.

Wow, really? Handmaid? What school did you go to? Oh, yay. A birth lady. One more try. You got it. Midwife. There it is. This is quite a peculiar collection of heroes. Yes, yes. Peculiar, but also special. The five brave heroes. The fabulous five they will call you. The fabulous five who will save the world. There's four of us. I'm counting around. There's four. There's only four.

Smiley? Is he the other one? No, no, no, no, there's five. There's you, the old lady whose top half resembles my gran and whose bottom half resembles my donkey. The grubby one over there who likes dirt. The siblings who talk too much. And then the skinny blonde one in the corner. Yes, that's five. Adeline turns around. That's my broom.

The fabulous four! The fabulous four who will save the world. Can I take the broom? All right, she's coming with us. Smiley grabs the broom from you as if you're going to steal it. Can I make a strength check to take it away from him? Sure. Roll off, it's roll off. 11, that's a mighty 11.

Unfortunately, that's not strong enough. Smiley grabs it from your hands and then begins to sweep up the remains of the old lady skin on the floor. Now, the fabulous four, as you're called, we need a leader. Who among you shall be the leader? Any of you? I kind of shy away. If you are willing to pay my legal fees in my, uh,

No, not me. No. I mean, I'll do whatever you need me to do, honey. Well, I need you to save the world. That's what we're here for. Yes. I have a bit of a confession. One of you, as I said, is the Chosen One. I'm just not sure which of you is the Chosen One. Oh, so you gathered us all here today to murder us to find who the Chosen One is? No, no. Are we all going to fight each other? You see, magic...

It's not an exact science. In fact, it's not really science at all. It's magic. And in my seeing stone, I had a vision of the chosen one. But the vision was a bit blurry. Just like my vision. You saw your fifth companion, the broom, yes. Euthygenia looks at her hooved body and compares it to Durin and Halfling. And goes, how bad is your vision? Must have been a pretty blurry vision, that one. Just pixels on the screen. Yes, my eyesight is not the greatest, yes.

But, you know, with some clever soothsaying, I was able to narrow down the chosen one to only 56 out of everyone in Phasa. 56 out of everyone. That's decent. Yes, yes. And after subtracting the dead ones, that left only 43 chosen ones. Hmm.

Yes, and so I began my great search, my amazing search. What a great job I did, yes. I was able to find 22 of you, 22 of you chosen ones. And after cutting seven because they were annoying, that led to 15 chosen ones.

And three died on the way here. That leaves 12. And out of those 12, the four of you showed up. Wow. Are you sure you cut all the annoying ones? And she looked straight at Sawyer. My dear sister, you do cut to the whole soul of me. The four of you showed up. That's great news. Better odds. You each have a one in four chance of being the chosen one. Congratulations. Congratulations. One out of 56, right? Well, one out of four, because only four are here. Oh.

I like those odds. That's math. I don't do math very often. I did his math and it was incorrect. I don't think it's correct. No, it was not. I'm not a very smart halfling, but... Even I think Endura knows. He said 56 and more. You can't be the chosen one if you don't show up. That's how it works. I have a poster in my childhood bedroom that says the same thing.

Is there a picture of a cat hanging onto a pole? Indeed there is. Do you recall the one? I sure do. In due time, we will discover which of you is the chosen one. Until then, you'll just have to work together. And, I don't know, as far as the leadership goes, maybe meeny, meeny, miny, moe. I thought Adeline volunteered. Oh, Adeline, okay, you shall be the leader for now. And then, you know, when you get bored of it, you can, you know, trade off. Oh, I'm not afraid of keeping these folks in Adeline. No.

- Oh, the classic. - I picked up a few jokes, Bartan. - Smiley, ugh. - Was that a laugh? Was that a laugh? - I think he's offering you beans. - Adeline goes down and kneels closer to Smiley to see if she could hear what he's saying. - Yeah, these are my beans. - Okay. - All right. - All right, now, shall we get busy saving the world? - Let's get busy getting rich.

Pleasantries, my pungent pals. We've got some exciting announcements and puppet videos coming down the putrid pipeline. So make sure you and your friends are following us at StinkyDragonPod. We're on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok. Plus, if you post on social media using hashtag StinkyDragonPod, we might name an NPC in the show after you.

Now, tell me, have you ever heard of the Shadowmane? The Shadowmane? Shadowmane. Shadowmane. I heard legends of it. Yes. But I don't really know much about it. Well, the Shadowmane is a dark plane of existence that mirrors our own. Except while our world is mostly good, with some evil speckled about, the Shadowmane is the opposite. The lanky wizard takes a seat in Smiley's gnome-sized chair, his knees bent up to his forehead.

Somehow making it look comfortable, he takes a bite of food from the table and Smiley grumbles. See, our worlds are not unlike Smiley's cooking. See how one side of this bread is barely toasted and the other burnt to a crisp, covered in evil? It's exactly like our two realms. And our problem, he takes a sausage and shoves it through the toast. Is this a hot dog? Yes, essentially, a hot dog connecting our two worlds. Mm-hmm.

Hundreds of years ago, there was a gateway that connected our world, Faiza, with the Shadow Mane that allowed beings to travel back and forth. And once everyone in the Shadow Mane discovered this, they started trying to take over our half of the bread. I'm sorry, you said beans or beans? Beans. Beans. No, listen, paying attention, there are no beans in this plate. This is bread and sausage. They started sending conquerors to take over our world. Ooh.

We politely disagreed, and after some back and forth, an evil demigod of the Shadowmane, Vorgoth, gathered an unbeatable army to travel the sausage to our world. Conquer and enslave us, burn everything to the ground, yadda yadda yadda. I guess it didn't work because we're here. Yeah. Well, you know, it wasn't looking good for us, but...

But he suspends the bread over the oven using the sausage and it starts to smoke. Tell me, when you've got a losing hand, how do you win? You bluff. You cheat. Is that not the right answer? You eat the sausage? You murder your opponent? You pull out your two-headed coin and bet everything on heads. Very good. But in this instance, that's not what they did. Hundreds of years ago, they had a losing hand. They chose not to play.

Right before Vorgoth and his army crossed over, a family of heroes created a door for this gateway. Family. With a lock. Three of them. And it worked. Yay! Yeah!

That was very Jeb Bush, please clap energy. They locked the gateway to the Shadowmane, saving us from Vorkoth and his army. Still opened hot topics across Vesa. It makes you wonder, though, if they locked the Shadowmane door, what happened to the three Shadowmane keys? Why did they make three? Three locks is better than one. You say that.

Asaphi slips his hand in his robe and pulls out... Whoa, whoa. Sorry. He's got a gun! And pulls out a silver key. He spins it around, winks, and turns into the bathroom and shuts the door. Asaphi had a silver key. It was the key to the bathroom? Did he use the key to unlock the bathroom? What does the sausage represent? I...

I am quite confused. He opens the door. Are you going to follow? Oh, yes. Come on. I mean, you close the door behind you. Usually that doesn't say follow me. Follow me. To the bathroom? Yes. If you insist. Adeline follows him. As you enter, Asafi stands on the chamber pot and struggles to unlatch a trap door on the ceiling. For the record, this is just a key to this trap door in the bathroom. Oh, that's not the Vorgoth key? No, no, this is not. This is just a key. This is a normal key, just for dramatic effect. Ah.

Do you need help with that? The trapdoor clicks and a diagonal ladder falls forward and smacks him in the face. I've heard tales of the diagonal ladder. I've never seen a diagonal ladder before. It's just stairs.

Asafi picks himself up from the ground and climbs up. We're going into the attic? Okay. Do you perhaps have your entrance for centaurs? Is this because this seems to be a bit treacherous for me. I think centaurs can go upstairs. I can't come back down, dude. I can't come back down. I won't be trapped again.

We'll find a way back down there. If we gotta throw you down, we will. You'll be fine. Cats always lay on their feet, right? Yeah. Are you not a cat? As you climb up, you emerge on a circular rooftop overlooking the city. Despite several clouds of smoke wafting from the smoking barrel's many chimneys, the view is spectacular.

Asafi turns back to the party. The heroes that saved us from Vorgoth and his army took the three shadowing keys to the far corners of Faiza. Not that they expected anyone would ever want to open the gate. I mean, you would have to be crazy, right?

Have you ever read An Adventurer's Guide to Being a Hero? Yes. Then tell me, what does it say in there about an all-powerful evil force that tries to destroy the world? That they're bad. It said every time an all-powerful evil force tries to destroy the world, there's a cult for it. A cult? A cult. Naturally, there's a cult that worships Vorgoth and the Shadowmane. And lately, they've grown quite...

influential how so they have uh tax free uh status from the government i thought you're gonna say they have big tick tock let's just say they're becoming more powerful and gaining members past and they recently began hunting down the three shadowman keys it points down to the city see that heavily armed compound yes that's the church of the shadowman at least that's their local branch they're really kind of all over the place now that is

is the reason we're here. Somewhere in that compound is one of three keys. And before long, they'll have the other two, at which point they'll unlock the gate and bring about the end of the world. Except they won't, because me and the Chosen One will stop them. And the rest of you will help.

And when do we figure out who exactly is the chosen one? That is an ongoing process. Is it like a job interview? Is it a test? Do we play paper, rock, scissors? Are you paying my lunch per diem? We will know the chosen one when the chosen one is known. Fair enough. Right now, we have an advantage. We have the element of surprise. Because they have no idea that I know what I know. And now that you know...

What you know. And what is everyone's passive perception? Thirteen. Eleven. Fifteen. Why do we need passive perception? You perceive things passively. Minus twelve. Euthygenia, you notice something. Dark shadows slink onto the roof behind Asafi and creep closer, hidden behind the chimney smoke. Asafi continues. Because they don't know that I know that they already have the Shadowmane key, and they don't know that no one ever gets the upper hand on Asafi.

As the shadows draw closer, you can now see that there are two humanoids focused on Asafi. Oh, hello, dear. Are you here for the meeting as well? Asafi turns around, but as they do, they rear back and you see the glint of metal in their hands. No! Could Adeline cast Firebolt? No, but you can roll for initiative. Oh! Roll for initiative. Our first initiative. 13. 7. 19. 19.

That's a six. Yuta, Janiyah, with your passive perception, you're able to tell that they were focused on Asafi. Mm-hmm. And they have a goal. Mm-hmm. You can tell that they don't seem to be focused on y'all. Mm. Is their goal to unlock the shadow being? You don't know. I mean, they are shadows, so it stands to reason that they have shadowy intent. Ooh. I bet you know that beyond a shadow of a doubt. Ah, yes, I do, Your Honor. Ooh. Mm.

Durin, like, messes with his clothes, straightens them out. They have a surprise attack, and they're going to both throw... A party. Both throw daggers at Asafi. Got higher than a 19? Well, they have a surprise attack. Ah, I see. They throw two daggers and both hit Asafi in the behind. Ooh. The behind. And now it is your turn, Sawyer. Oh.

Good thing Osprey's caked up. Um... Uh... "Order! There must be order!" And I cast, uh... I cast Earth Trimmer at those two guys that just stabbed Mark and Patriot in the behind. You cast Earth Trimmer? Yeah! We're on a roof.

Can you read Earth Trimmer? You cause a tremor in the ground within range. Each creature other than you in that area must make a dexterity saving throw on a failed saving creature. Takes 1d6 bludgeon damage. It's not prone. The ground in that area is a loose earth or stone. It becomes difficult terrain until cleared. All right. The roof begins to shake. Oh, no. And everyone, everyone make a... Well, no, I cast it towards where they are. Yeah, but...

The earth underneath the building is shaking. The entire building would shake. It's an earthquake. Sorry to do this all the time when we were kids. Everyone make, I guess, a deck safe. 22. 22. Okay, you're fine. 13. You're fine. 16. 4.

You've got four legs. You should be sad. I told you, don't put a horse on a roof. That's what my mom always said. Don't put a horse on a roof. Yeah. We're right after Labor Day. Don't put a horse on a roof. Yeehaw, Euthygenia. That sounds like an old folksy saying. Well, Euthygenia, you are not prone, but also one of the assassins is as well.

Hip, hip, hooray. What about the damage on that? It's just to the assassins, right? Yeah. That is a...

Four. No, three. Wait, 1d6, three. Three damage. Okay. Numbers are hard. Three damage. I thought it was one plus 1d6. Let's see. Now it is their turn. The thug that fell down picks himself up and throws another dagger at Asafi. How does this one hit him, may I inquire? His feet. His Asafi? Yeah, it is true to his aim and hits him right in the back.

And then the other one that was not fallen also makes a throw at Asafi, and that also hits. Asafi has now four blades in his back. Good heavens. He looks a bit like a pincushion. One of them now turns and jumps off the roof where he came. Oh, like he's escaping. Yeah.

Would that open him up to attack of opportunity? No, he was too far away. But it is Durin's turn. All right. Well, I like this motif they're going with was throwing daggers. So I think Durin's going to try to emulate them and throw a dagger back at the one that is still standing on the roof. Okay. You want to roll for that?

11. Level 2 characters can't hit crap. Ooh. Wait, so if it's tied? It hits. It hits? Okay, it does hit. Oh, wow. Well done. Must also be a level 2 character. And you want to roll damage for that? Yeah, my dagger impacts him doing 5 points of damage. All right. Anything else for your turn? About how far away is he from me? I would say probably 15, 20 feet. Yeah, no, that's it for me. Okay. It is now Adeline's turn. Oh.

I don't like what you're doing to my friends. Your friends, do you? I make friends very quickly. Oh, we're friends. I'm going to use my firebolt and send that straight towards the thug. That is on the roof? Yeah.

Is the other one off or attempting to get off the roof? He jumped off. Okay, so he is off the roof. Yeah. Probably jumping to the next building over, but you haven't looked over there yet. Okay. Oh, man. 11. 11? That hits. Oh, nice. Does a 1D10, and I rolled a 1. Oh.

Sorry, I'm just so nervous. I kind of have a fear of heights, so my abilities are kind of weak right now. The thug, just after recovering from the dagger to the side, he's blasted on the toe with a fireball. Ouch. You know what they say, if one of your toe gets hurt, it affects your whole ability to walk and move. Now it is the lovely Euthygenia's turn. You get him clean. Thank you, deity.

So there's the guy that's still on the roof. All right. Euthygenia. Euthygenia steadies herself and gets up as she is prone. No more. And gathers her strength and casts Guiding Bolt on the remaining thug.

which is a spell attack that is a flash of light streaked towards a creature of your choice. Make a ranged spell attack, and on a hit, takes 4d6 radiant damage, and the next attack roll made against this target has advantage. All right. Lots of spell casting. Mm-hmm.

Why not make a ranged attack spell? Okay, then I'll just do... What's my spell modifier? Spell attacks plus five. That's a nat 20 plus five. 25. Nice. Wow. Our first nat 20. Yeah. That hits. You want to roll damage for it? Yeah, why not? 4d6. Plus another one at full damage, right? 15. Wow. What's the crit? You have something with 4d6 already? Yeah. Yeah.

That's a lot of damage. I have Guiding Bolt as well. Never mind. I just saw that I have it as well. It's just a first level spell. Yeah. And also, I guess, any further attacks until the end of your next turn have advantage on that target. Targets, any attacks against that target. The next attack. Yeah, that's what I mean. The next attack. We're going to do the same as we were doing in the previous one, where it's the bonus damage an entire bull die like Gus did in the previous campaign.

So normally it would be like full damage and then roll damage. So then this would be 15 plus 24 if you do it that way. So that would be 39. 39 damage? Yeah. Okay, then he explodes. Oh, God. I hope we did not need to learn any story details from that gentleman. Are we like covered in gore? You get a good little speckling of gore. Is my dagger still okay?

Yeah, it's still fine. Okay, good. What about my white suit? Your white suit is now speckled pink and red. Good Lord. Adeline takes out her little washcloth that she always has in her pocket and starts wiping her arms down. Y'all are now out of initiative. What do you do now? I'm going to run over and grab my dagger, make sure it's okay, and then peek over the side of the roof to see where the other guy went. You see the guy...

hopping from rooftop to rooftop in the distance, disappearing. Ooh, I begin chase. You begin chase? Yeah. How far away is he? He's at this point probably 50 feet. Can I cast a spell? I would say, Gus, you move first, so if you're going to do anything, you do it first. Okay, well, yeah, I'll double move, which is 50 for me, and try to close the distance to get closer to this person. Okay, make some athletics checks because you're jumping between buildings. All right.

How many? Yeah, how many do you want? You sure it's not acrobatics? That's what I meant. Okay. Acrobatics. Make two. First one is a... Eight. Oh, you... Have you ever seen Mission Impossible?

Yeah. You know how Tom Cruise, when he jumps across the building, he, like, hits his foot on the surface? Yeah. You do that. Oh. And bang up your ankle really good. Oh. And that ends your chase. Oh. And you take... Let me roll. You're in no... Ah! You take...

Six points of damage. Oh, my God. Good Lord. Did I pass your health? My foot. Does anyone else want to stay? How far is Durn from me? I mean, he's probably, like, ten feet. He didn't make it far. Could I run over and cast Pure Wounds on him? Is that...

- Can you do that by touch or can you do this thing? - Yes, touch. - He's on the other side of the building, so you'd have to jump. - Oh, he made it across. - He made it across, but like hit his foot on the roof. - How will we get him back to this rooftop? - Here, I'll do this. I cast command.

on the guy running away. You speak a one-word command to the creature who can see within range. Target must succeed in a wisdom saving throw or follow the command on its next turn. And I just say simply stop. What's the saving throw for that? 13. He doesn't stop. He keeps going. Bummer. Everyone roll a perception. Anyone roll or everyone roll a perception? Everyone roll a perception.

16. 13. That's 24. Six. You're just too focused on your white suit. Yeah. You're just like, get your hanky out. You're like medieval tide sticks. Yeah. And Duran, you notice that your foot really, really hurts. Oh.

And Euthygenia and Adeline, you hear a feeble... And you look at Asaphie on the ground. Could I cast Cure Wounds on Asaphie? Yeah. Okay. So I run over to him and go, Oh, wizard we just met who thinks we're the chosen one. Are you okay? Yeah, I'll be fine as long as the daggers aren't poisoned. He dips a finger into one of his wounds and brings it up to his mouth for a taste.

Oh, that's definitely poison. Okay, well, in that case, I won't waste my cure wound spell on you. And he collapses to the ground and passes out. Find out what happens next. Oh, wow. That just resolved.

Well, it didn't. Find out what happens on the next episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Find out if Durin survives his foot injury or not. If Durin's going to finish the movie. We come back next week and he's still going. But yeah, if you're new to the show, please subscribe and tell your friends. If you're returning, thank you for returning. We're going to continue this tale for another four episodes and then we'll start our big long campaign. Yeah.

big ol' campaign DM'd by Gustavo himself. Please tell your friends and share. Absolutely. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Will Sawyer make it to the laundromat on time? Find out next week.