C01 - Ep. 84 - Lost Dianasty - Ethereal Plan of Action
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This podcast is supported by FX's English Teacher, a new comedy from executive producers of What We Do in the Shadows and Baskets. English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job, while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

Best wishes to all you Bodaks. Wilt your way into the stinky dragon imbibe our latest bev, Null and Devoid. It's a mixture of Voivka, Witherberry schnapps, Annihilation Lycora, and topped with a fistful of expired punch. One gulp of this grog's enough to leave you navel-gazing at your tanless tummy for eternity. Previously, our adventurers went toe-to-toe with a titanic trio of taunting tetragogs.

After combating Quadron with cows, assaulting Sludge with salt, and imprisoning Enku, the Ynfanites were shell-shocked by a sonorous sleek, shadowy spectral, and soaring Smarsh. The party escaped from an army of Anarchs into an otherworldly, ethereal plain. Pluck yourself a potation, let's proceed with his pungent potboiler.

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little floaters and pieces of the fruit, like little fruit chunkies that have gone rotten. Mike has never drank alcohol, has he? This is just wine. Maybe that's just wine. Expired punch could just be wine, huh? Oh,

I don't know if I'd call it expired. What if Mike has been cryptically giving a recipe for a nuclear bomb through all these recipes? He just slips in the recipe for anthrax in there somewhere and we just miss it. Uranium 238.

Suddenly, a scarlet triangular portal opens in front of you all with a vroom. You hear a chorus of voices in unison saying, We are Anarchs. A horde of crackling Anarchs emerge from the portal and starts charging straight for you all. But you hear the distant strum of a lute and the Anarchs freeze. Their red eyes dart around in panic as they're suspended in midair. The strumming gets closer and three words get increasingly louder. Smash this team!

Soaring through the air like a sailboat train is a colossal purple worm. Boom! As he blurs past you, you think you hear someone shout over the music. The purple worm collides with the portal and the cluster of Anarchs explode into red dust. Smarsh laughs hysterically. Oh!

As he goes into a free fall, a vortex of swirling blue and purple opens up below him and swallows him up. Another vortex opens up right next to you all and out pops Smarsh's huge purple head. Riding on top of him is a half-orc wearing black boots and an amulet. And in front of him is a bearded dwarf holding an emerald lute. Hi, Borg. Did you see me? Did you see? That's pretty cool, Slink. It's really good to have you back, bud. Slink, that was awesome!

You're alive, and you're best friends with Smarsh. The hat lord replies to Sleek's, All of phase us are, Austin. It's hard to miss a huge purple worm flying through the air. Leonard! Come on, you gotta admit that was pretty hardcore. We are at our...

Anarch begins to split and multiply over and over again. Spectral rolls his eyes and holds out his hands. You all better come with us. He motions for you all to get up on top of Smarch with him. Bart hops on. I hop on with my ring of jump. Yeah, I join.

Paralite says, I'll catch up with you all later. I'm going to double back to check on Brink and Sorda. Wait, don't let her go. She's done so much to help you guys. You all enter the vortex and the dark viscosity consumes everything, leaving you in a hazy mist rippling through shades of deep blue and purple. A voice on your right whispers, Welcome back to the ethereal plane. And another voice on your left whispers, So, Gaiborg, did you miss me?

Who is it? It's Sleek. I'm very sure it's Sleek. I already talked to him at the end of the last episode. You're going to make me talk to him again? You're going to make me do this again? You guys got to catch up. Yeah, it's a recap. We take the one that's the best of the two. I put my arm on his shoulder and I say, you did great, Sleek. So happy to see you're alive. You sounded more sincere last time. This time you don't sound sincere at all about it. You're making me say it again. All right, guys. Yeah. Oh, man, you have to perform? Oh, man.

You have to maintain that character growth. It can't just be a one-time thing. Sleek. And then I go in for a big wet kiss. And then Lin-Manuel appears.

Ooh, kinky. Uh-uh-uh. The haze around you settles into murky shapes of the floating islands you just left, but everything is still a bit nebulous and translucent with a tinge of blue and purple. Just for fun, everyone go ahead and roll me a dexterity check. Dexterity. Dexterity checks are never for fun. That's a 10. All the checks are fun. Nope. 12. 13. Dexterity checks are, did you fall? Yeah. Four. Whoa. Gum gum fell. That's wild. I don't see...

see gum gums. Does everyone else see gum gums? I don't see gum gums. Okay. I mean, 20. If I was going to lie about it...

- No, just making sure in case there's a problem. Okay, wow, that's not great. Gum Gum with a four, Bark with a 10, Mud with a 12, and Kyborg with a 13. So we'll start with Gum Gum. You feel a strange sensation as your body begins floating. You're no longer bound to the ground. You can float in the air, but it's very difficult to control. You're not used to this. Your brain's having trouble wrapping its head around this new type of movement. So you can only move 10 feet in any direction.

You're kind of tumbling, not really moving so much. It's just like tumbling in place. The rest of you, you get a little more mastery over it than Gum-Gum, but still not great. Each of you can float up to half of your normal speed in any direction. And we're in the ethereal plane?

Yeah, it looks very similar to the material plane you just left. You can still see the shapes of the floating islands, but it's all very hazy and murky. Didn't we have like a floaty problem last time we were in the ethereal plane when we entered it? Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of its thing. Yeah, yeah. It's a consistent issue. I'm just trying to remember, like, am I remembering this correctly? And last time we were here, like, I think last time we were here also Gum-Gum was floating and like couldn't get his bearings. Gum-Gum was good at it last time. Okay. Okay.

Do my Veronian goggles help me see it all through this? I know it's not weather, but it is kind of like foggy. Yeah, it's not like a traditional fog. It's more like the overlapping and the collision and the edge between two planes intersecting. Okay. Mutt sees this as an opportunity to do a prank and cast Gust to push himself in the direction at Kaibort.

Ooh, make a dexterity save, Kyborg. Okay. We're doing Dragon Ball Z anime fighting right now? Oh, no. I'm doing goofs. That's a nine. You try to dodge out of the way, but you're not dexterous enough. You haven't mastered this floating movement, and mud collides straight into you. He calls out, Catch me, Kyborg. He knocked the wind out of me.

It's like in a sci-fi movie where you're no longer tethered to the space station and you're floating off forever. Bye. All right. See you later. We can't see anything, right? Our vision's kind of poor and we're just floating. Right. You can kind of still see the outlines of the islands. Like you can see that much. But as far as like specific detail, not so much. Imagine if you were wearing like really dirty smudged up glasses. Okay.

Okay. Is Sleek and Smarsh and Spectral still here? Yeah, yeah. Before I get to them, though, I was going to say, at this point, if you wanted to, you have the ability to take a short rest here if that's something you all are interested in. Oh, absolutely. Sure. But not a long rest? Not a long rest. Dang. I'm just going to nap right here in the air.

While you all are taking a load off and resting, Sleek, you know, very excitedly starts talking to you all and says, Do you remember back in the Elder Pines when we were all the way up in Elderling Village? We were split off from each other, and that's when Leonard suddenly stabbed me with his Aether Blades. That was the first clue that something was amiss.

So getting stabbed, that was your big clue, huh, Sleek? Yeah, Spectral chimes in rather sheepishly and says, Sorry about that, old chap. No sweat, Leonard. You weren't yourself. Anyways, I passed out from blood loss, and when I came to, I could barely hobble my way around. By the skin of my teeth, I arrived in the nick of time, immobilizing that explosion from blasting you all to smithereens. Again, I do apologize for that, everyone. Eh, we're all still here. Plus, it makes for an inspiring story.

Anyways, there I was, bleeding out, strumming my lute, fiery fragments frozen in midair, and then kaboom! Next thing I know, I wake up here, in the ethereal plane. Yes, it would seem at the last moment, Paralyte released me from her mind control. So, being of sound mind, I leapt into action and transported Austin and I to safety inside. The ethereal plane, Blaine.

Bart starts cheering. Oh, and did I mention? I lost three more fingers! Sleek thrusts his hand into Kyborg's face, revealing stumped appendages. He smirks and raises his eyebrows multiple times. Nearly lost my arm that day. Sleek.

Spectral leans in behind Sleek, shaking his head at you all, silently mouths, "Not even close." He wants to be like you, Qyborg. To a morbid degree. You don't want this, and I'm like holding up my broken arm. I sacrificed everything that day, but it was worth it. Anything for my best friend. Sleek puts his nearly fingerless hand on Qyborg's shoulder. That's gangrenous, Sleek. You need to get that checked out stat. We need to get to Dr. Him.

And here I am, yet again, doing the same thing. Putting it all on the line for my elf from another shelf, my pal from another locale, my bro from another... Okay, I'm gonna fast forward the story a bit here. We've been helping Goddess Andi with protecting Viking Knife and the Balrossians from the Anarchs by hiding them in the Ethereal Plane. But we have an even bigger issue at hand and we don't have much time.

Right. We need to rescue Dr. Ahem and the other prisoners inside the farmhouse. So the Anarchs are literally everywhere now. Oh, everywhere. They've overrun Phaser. But not the ethereal plane. No. Wait, so the Valrazians are here in the ethereal plane? Yes, we've been hiding them in the ethereal plane. Oh, so like peace was secured and lasting between them and the polar bear people. Called? Peace.

The Naboo. I can't remember. I don't know. The Ishbjorn. Ishbjorn. Ishbjorn. You said Dr. Ahem's trapped in the farmhouse. Who's trapping him? Who's got hold of him? We were unable to tell in the material plane because we couldn't approach it. So now that we're here in the ethereal plane, maybe we could find out.

Could we just, like, teleport in from the ethereal plane, like, right there, or do we need to, like, go back into the material plane and then continue the journey? We can head up to the front door of the farmhouse here via the ethereal plane and then just...

Oh, okay. Okay. Classic crash and grab. Here we go. Perfect. Easy peasy. All right, so let's go save Dr. Ahim. Seems like an easy job. Yeah. Is there anyone else there at all? Hmm.

However, here in the Ethereal Plane, we should be able to get much closer. I'm sorry, but it reminds me, what farmhouse are we talking about? Why am I not remembering what farmhouse you're talking about? It was the one where you heard the clanging coming from, and that's where... Oh! Antropa went. Antropa. Wait, so Antropa and Dr. Ahim are here, but in that house we heard the clanking happening. Yeah. We think that's the case. Oh, okay. Okay.

So, do we have any locations on Hugh Manor? Or, I'm noticing Meld's not here either. We're unsure. We're hoping we can get more answers in the farmhouse. Meld might be in there as well. Like trapped in there or trapping Dr. Ahem?

Well, Mel's our friend, right? Well, as far as we know. Supposedly. Okay, is that how good friends change? The thing that's strange is the farmhouse shouldn't look like this in the Ethereal Plane. It should look more decayed. But here in the Ethereal Plane, it looks like it's been renovated, which is really bizarre. Ooh.

Wow. I think it looks nice. Yeah, resale value went way up. Do you have a question? When we pop out of Ethereal Plane, do we have to all plop out at once or could we be

Secret. You mean sneaky? Sneaky. I need to go with everyone as they change from one plane to another, so it's all or nothing. Oh, so you can't, like, drop, like, me up on the roof as a sniper, and then Mud and Bart as the entry team, and then Gum-Gum as the...

Distraction. I think Tybrus went poopy in his pants. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Unfortunately, Smarsh is a little too big to fit in the farmhouse, but we can have him cover our exit.

Big perimeter. Smarsh is king, after all. Yes, Smarsh is king. Then maybe we should surround the house. Hold on. I can't get over the fact that you said the house looks nicer in the ethereal plane than it does in real life. It looks nicer in the ethereal plane than it should compared to the material plane. Could changes be made in the ethereal plane that don't reflect the material plane? It must be possible since the farmhouse has this facade that doesn't match the material plane, but it is unusual.

I'm confused. Have you ever seen anything like this before? No. This might be related to the unknown magic that surrounds the farmhouse in the material plane. It's not Contra Counter, is it? We don't know enough about magics to be able to answer that. I'm more of a stab, stab, stabby stab kind of person. Yeah. Infinite, huh? I know a lot about magic. Let me see. Show me it. That's it.

Well, one, you're not close enough. I think detect magic only works 30 feet. And two, I don't know that detect magic goes between planes. Oh, hey, GumGum, I've got an idea. You clearly have a super powerful wand that will for sure cast a spell that you'll need right now to tell what's going on. So I feel like you should utilize that. Yeah, it makes cows. So you want cows? Yeah, I'd love a cow right now. Okay. Got milk?

Cow. Sometimes it's delayed. So do we get to choose an entrance? Like, can we like scout out the barn in the ethereal plane, even though it looks different to like, see if there's any like places we can enter or like,

you're trying to be strategic, you know? It's not very often that you get a two-scale version of the building you're about to enter, you know? Yeah. Does everyone want to get closer, or how do you all want to approach this? Is there only one door in the front? I would say you all might have to get closer to be able to see that. I feel like as soon as we get close, it's going to suck us into the imperial plane. I cast Gust and pushed Kyborg closer to the house. Whee! Ha ha ha!

Yeah, you get closer and it appears that there's only one entrance, the front door, kind of like a main door. Okay. Can I try my magic detection now? Oh, you want to go close? Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were moving forward. I misheard you. You can go closer. Okay. I'll go closer. All right. Fine. Good. This will be really helpful, I'm sure. So you get closer and then do what? Go.

Gum-Gum tries to be sneaky and by that it's like what he thinks like the cartoon version of sneaky is it's like You're also floating 10 feet at a time. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I forgot about that Hmm. Yeah, so gum gum slowly makes his way over to the farmhouse like an awkward baby seal in the sky Same thing happened. Did I hear anything?

What did you do? You just got closer? Yeah, I'm just getting close enough to where I can like... We're still in the ethereal plane. So the material plane version of this, we can't see and it's different. Yeah, but Gum-Gum's much more attuned to magics and clearly should be able to tell what's going on now. Okay, make a perception check, Gum-Gum. Do you know?

Wow. Oh, my God. Perfect. I love it. I love it. The farmhouse disappeared. It's not there anymore. Oh, no. You're too powerful. What did you do? I think I used my wand wrong. I didn't make a cow. I made the house disappear. For the record, everyone else, you all still see the farmhouse. It's just Gum-Gum can no longer see the farmhouse. Is his hat down?

No, his hat is fine in place. You realize that Gum-Gum was trying to be so sneaky, he closed his eyes to be even more sneaky. And he can no longer see anything. If I can't see them, they can't see me. That's logic. Am I able to use my sending stone from the ethereal plane? I don't remember if we said that works across planes. You can try. I guess like if we're going to try to contact Dr. Ahem...

Maybe, like, get some inside information. Yeah, say, you up. Yeah. Where you at? Could I try using it and say... By the way, listeners, whenever Barbara does this, she has to count with her fingers in the air to make sure she gets the right amount. 25 words. It's very cute. Coming to save you, how many enemies...

Where in house are you? 12. 13 more. Let's make small talk. Going to Starbucks. What do you want? What? I need to pick us up anything. Should we bring weapons? Or magic? 20. 20.

Dang it. How do I end? 25. 25. There you go. How do I? You send off your missive via the sending stone. And after just a very short while, you hear... He's underwater. Sounds like he's at a cattle auction. Guys, I think it's a trap. So nothing, basically. Yeah, I feel like we're not going to get much more information and we should just...

At this point, go ahead and approach the farmhouse and do what we do best, which is see what happens. Smash and grab, boys. Do one of those things where you get to the front door and you put your fist up and then you point and go, go, go, go. Go, go, go, go. Oh, wait, wait, I have an idea. Real fast, Gum-Gum, the farmhouse has reappeared for you. You see it again. I found it. I have an idea once we get into the material plane. Okay, I got to do this in character. So, what if...

We get to the material plane, and I approach the door, but I look like Hugh Manor. It's good. I like this. I like this. And try to see if that can get the jump on, whatever happened inside the farmhouse. Okay. All right. And me and Kyborg have rings of jump. Right, which is very necessary for getting a jump on the situation.

Yeah. Because, you know, human are always jumping everywhere. Yes. Or his friends around him are always jumping. Do we want to do that? I mean, we might as well head over. I mean, we got to do what we got to do. Let's go. What do the rest of us do? I'm going to cast invisibility if that's okay before we pop back into existence. If that's okay, I guess. Yeah, yeah.

I'll cast polymorph on both Kyborg and Gum Gum and turn them into... What do you guys want to be? What beast? I don't know. Maybe a dad. No, I need to... What? I think we need to have a kid. Well, I can make you a dad animal. Oh, okay. What dad animal do you want to be?

I think a kitty cat. No, dog. All right. A dog. All right. A daddy dog. I'm going to go for something really stealthy, but also really powerful. I'm thinking like a lion or a panther. That's really good to sell. Maybe a Bengal tiger because they can blend in good with like the weeds and stuff. I'm going to go with Bengal tiger. All right.

All right. I'm pretty sure there's a tiger I can turn him into. I can also be a horsey. You got to pick something, Gum Gum. I need to decide what I'm doing with you. Okay, I'll be a doggy. I'll be a doggy. All right. I'll tell you what, Kyborg. I'll plus up you. I turn Kyborg into a saber-toothed tiger. Yeah!

With a robot arm. Nope. And I can't do that. Ooh, a dinosaur. What kind of dinosaur? A T-Rex. I don't think I can do that. You should go as an ancient dragon. I can't turn him into a dragon. Gotta be an animal. A Demogorgon. Pick an animal. Uh.

A hippopotamus. I don't think there's bloody hippopotamuses. Elder Titan. Beasts. Beasts. Prismatic dragon. Beasts. A werewolf. Real fast. I know we're loving this conversation. I turn him into a dog. Are we? I just want to throw this out. Polymorph is a concentration spell. Okay. Then I turn Kyborg into a saber tooth tiger.

And Gum Gum, you're on your own. Am I doggy? No, you're not. You're Gum Gum. What is your plan to be sneaky? Oh my God. You don't get to change your beast. No, I just, I have something that I might actually make myself useful for something once. What is it? With reconnaissance. Uh,

I'm looking it up right now, but a while ago we got to that arrow. No, we got, we got a bunch of different little items and stuff. And I had this little cute little, it's called the Jade cat, a playful spirit. Once prolonged rest, the little Jade cat statue turns into a green cat spirit named pocket. Um,

That becomes, you're familiar for four minutes, and it can do simple tasks like carrying 10 pounds. It's got a 10-foot range. You're able to see through the cat's eyes. So I could, like, send it in through a crack in the barn. It's like our little drone. You know Rainbow Six Siege when you send in little drones? That's me, but with a cat. Just real fast, it's a farmhouse, not a barn. Farmhouse. Yeah, you keep calling it a barn. Ah.

Farmhouse. Think of the Kent's house. Yeah, but they have windows on those, though. Is there a window? Oftentimes, Gus, those are made on piers, all right? So then you can go underneath the house and, like, listen and see through the cracks. No windows. I have a potion that could turn me into a dragon, but I was saving it for my friend the taboo. Don't turn into a dragon. You're saving it for your wedding night? No, for the taboo. All right, we can finalize this. Bart is going to be invisible.

Okay. Kyborg is going to be a saber-toothed tiger. Rawr. Gum-Gum, you're going to do what to prepare yourself for a surprise. Do you have anything? I could try and use my wand and turn myself into something. Okay. That's really good. Really, really great. Great plan. Turn me into something useful. Oh.

I rolled it. 65. Oh, he did his magic. The D100 thing. What'd it do? I cast Wall of Force. What was that? So Gum-Gum gets really excited and caught up in the moment. And not knowing what else to do, he points the Wand of the Wise Art at himself. And an invisible Wall of Force springs into existence right in front of him. It's huge, I guess. It's 10, 10 foot by 10 foot force panels. Nothing can pass through it.

It's like a tactical shield. So he leads the way. Here, I hand Gum-Gum my immovable rod. You can't. You're on the other side of the wall. Jesus Christ. I'm good. I'm in this. All right. So can we, how do we proceed now, Gus? Gum-Gum needs to make the wall go away. Does he know how to do that? Wall go away.

Okay, the wall goes away. Okay, I give Gum-Gum my immovable rod. Gum-Gum, Gum-Gum, use your immovable rod, teleport yourself above the farmhouse, and then use the immovable rod to suspend yourself in the air. Ooh. Okay. So you will literally be in a position to get the drop on the situation. Yeah. All right. Agreed? So we can proceed with this bloody story? Yeah. Okay, we proceed.

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Okay, you all come up with this plan. You turn around to look at the farmhouse and the front door, you know, that you all have been planning in front of. I assume you all were right by the front door planning this, right? Sure. Yeah. Yes. In the ethereal plane. Let's go with that. Yes, in the ethereal plane. The front door itself is made of solid stone. Now that you're ready to execute your plan, you realize there's no door handles.

But in the center of the door is a set of stone jaws in the shape of an open mouth. Etched into the stonework above the jaws is written, never take yourself for granite. Granite? Granite. Like the material granite? Yeah, like the stone. Is it a puzzle? Sounds like it is. A door puzzle. Gus, if you knew there was a puzzle ahead and you knew how long it takes us to do puzzles, why did you let us do that entire conversation?

I was having fun listening to it. You're terrible. You're terrible. Fired. Immediately fired. There's an opening in the shape of a mouth. Is that correct? Yeah, it's like a set of stone jaws in the shape of an open mouth. And how big of an opening is the jaws? Could I put something in it to go through the other side?

Yeah, it's pretty big. It's not like you could walk through, but I mean, it's maybe, let's say it's a foot, a little over a foot. Can I put my jade cat of playful spirit through? Because then I can see through on the other side and see what's going on. So you want to put your jade cat into the jaws to try to see through the door and look through to the other side.

Yeah, it's my familiar for four minutes, and it can do simple tasks and carry up to 10 pounds in its little stone mouth. It's about to eat your familiar. That's okay, because I think I'll get it back. Okay, yeah, you put the jade cat into the jaws that are etched into the door, and nothing seems to happen. Okay, I can see through the cat's eyes by saying the following words...

Who's a good kitty? And then I proceed into the door. I want to see what's on the other side through this cat's eyes. Nothing happened. Can it see through walls and stuff? No, like it's a cat that I'm controlling and I was going to go as the cat through the stone mouth. Yeah, but Gus is saying that it is a open gaping stone mouth that is not, that is impassable.

Right. It's not like it's a hole through the door. It's just there's stone there. Can someone yeet my cat over the wall? Oh, wait, no, it's a barn door. It's a farmhouse door. Think of it as just a home. It's a home. Yep. Should we try putting some rocks in the mouth or something? Yeah, it says granite, so I'm thinking we got to do something with granite. Have we got a hand grenade? Are there any rocks on the ground? That's a good question. I'll say yes, but like the islands themselves, they're kind of malleable.

and hard to focus on, like they're shifting. Are we back in the... Are we still in the Aetherial plane or have we entered the material? You're still in the Aetherial plane. Oh, we should get out of this and go to the material. Yeah, should we not go to the material? I imagine it might change the situation. That's probably good, though. I don't know if we can get in this way. Spectral says, I'm afraid if we were to transport to the material plane still outside of the farmhouse, we may be overrun with Anarchs.

So we got to solve it from here. So it's an open mouth. It has, I want to say something to take for granted. Don't take yourself. Never take yourself for granted. Bart, make me an investigation check because it seems like you're like looking for rocks and whatnot. Yeah. Yikes. 10. While you're looking around, you're looking at the inscription and, you know, trying to focus on these rocks. You notice like some dried red liquid in the jaws. In the jaws. Yeah.

Yeah. Could I tell if it's blood? You think it might be. So it's dried. Dried. Yes. So is the indication here that someone maybe tried to stick a limb or part of their body in this and it maybe chomped down? What's like the splatter effect? Can we do a little Dexter here? Is there any...

criminology investigation here. Did anyone take any proficiency in forensics? Can we do like a survival check thing on it to smell it and taste it and whatever? Smell it and taste it? I don't know. I feel like that's survival skills. Gum gum is being gross again. Chris saw one episode of CSI where they put the cocaine in their mouth and was like...

Do you follow tracks, hunt wild game, look for identify signs of creatures and stuff? I don't know. I feel like that's blood, maybe. So what I gather from this is that either someone put their appendage in here and it ended badly, or you're supposed to put an appendage in here and make a blood sacrifice of some kind to get the door to open. Don't take yourself seriously.

for granted. Guys, I think I have an idea. Sleek, be there? Yeah, of course. What do you need, best friend? Okay, you want to be like me, right? Oh, no, no. You like my cool metal arm? I mean, yeah, it's like 50-50, right? You want to be like me, I want to be like you. It goes both ways, because that's what best friends do. Right, right, right. 100%, 100%, best friend. Stick your arm that has the missing fingers into that dragon's mouth. Okay, if you say so. Okay, I do. You're a bad friend. Ha ha ha.

So much for that character growth, huh? Yeah.

Sleek sticks his hand into the jaws and, like, with lightning-fast speed, they close and bite down on his hand. Then as he yells in pain, he disappears. Okay. How do you feel right now, Kaveri? How do you feel? How do you feel about that decision? All right, well, there's that problem taken care of. Wait, is Leonard still with us, too? Yeah. Could we ask him if he knows what that did, if that took him somewhere? That's puzzling.

It could be that it took him to somewhere else in the ethereal plane. I've never seen anything like that before. What's the head made out of? Can we tell what material it's made out of? There's nothing more to the head. It's just jaws, like a mouth and teeth. Okay, but do we know what it's made out of? Uh, it's stone. Okay. Rock and stone. Are there any plants near this doorway?

No, there's no vegetation you see up here. I have two ideas. I have an idea as well. Okay, go, Chris. Go, Gum-Gum. So it just ate an arm. It ate a whole sleek. What if we used some metal or rocks or immovable rod to keep the jaws from shutting? And then we can crawl through. Well, you can't.

crawl through this is not like an opening right this isn't like an opening to the door think of like the mouth of a statue oh okay i see two options here one mud you turn into an octopus and put one of your mini arms into that and if you lose it you just turn back into your humanoid form if we didn't lose an iron we lost a whole person okay well then the other option is i take a leap of faith i stick my metal arm in uh worst case scenario it teleports me but i don't like

have physical damage because it's a metal arm. Of the two options, I wholly support you sacrificing yourself. Okay. I feel bad. I need to make up for sacrificing Sleek. He didn't just save us. Okay. Bart, Gum Gum, any complaints with that? It says don't take yourself for granted. But it's myself. It's like a self-sacrifice, I feel like, is what it's calling for. I know. I'm trying to figure out what the riddle is here like.

Why granite in particular? Don't take yourself for granite. Spectral chimes in and says, Well, I'm in favor of this plan. I don't want to leave Snake alone for too long, wherever he is. Yeah, I stick my metal arm in. You stick your metal arm in, and again, the jaws clamp down on your arm, and from everyone else's perspective, Kyborg disappears.

What is Fiber Key? Well, I can't tell you that. Do you want to hop into another room and we can communicate? No, I do not want that. I am befuddled. Spectral follows suit and sticks an arm in and the same thing happens. Bart sticks his foot in because he can't risk injuring his loot playing fingers. It's a good call. Oh, smart. Yeah, the jaws clamp down on which foot? Your left foot or your right foot?

Left foot. They clamp down on Bart's left foot. You yelp out in pain, and then from Mud and Gum-Gum's perspective, you disappear. Well, I guess it's just me and you, bud. Yep. How do you want to do this? I guess we'll just jump in, put your arm in. You know what no one's tried yet, Gum-Gum? Their head. Maybe try that. Mm-hmm.

Okay. Okay. That's a good idea, Mud. I think so, too. Okay. You're really using your head. Gum-Gum starts putting his head into the hole. Okay, the jaws clamp down on your head, Gum-Gum, and you disappear, leaving Mud by himself. Finally, a moment of peace. Anyway, that's it for this episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Mud takes a long rest.

Mutt thinks it over for a second and then places his plump buttocks into the mouth. Nice. Oh. And he just whispers, bite me. They chomp down on you and you disappear. And you now see the same thing everyone else sees. By the way, I got to roll something real fast. Is it death? Death.

Who comes out without a limb? Everyone takes 37 points of necrotic damage from the jaws biting them. Okay. Are we sure about that? Yeah, my metal arm? Yep, necrotic. Did you roll any dice for your short rest? Yeah, it gave me three extra HP. You can roll up to like...

like 12 dice. Really? Yeah, 14. Mud, now that you let the jaws take a bite out of your rear end, you see the same thing everyone else sees. You all have entered an ornate dining hall with a roaring fire to the west, a long table down the center, and a large harpsichord to the north playing a wistful tune.

Along the long table are several empty silver platters and chairs. In order to deal with this, we're going to go ahead and give everyone turns to act, and we're going to go by everyone's dex score to determine initiative.

So the order is going to be Kyborg, Bart, Mud, and Gum-Gum. At the lowest dex of them. Yeah, I was shocked too. So, Kyborg, you notice at the table, you see your mother sitting down, and she looks rather cross with you. Am I like in a miniature version, or is this like me experiencing this? You look at your arms, and you see one metal arm and one natural arm, so you look as you expect yourself to look. Okay. Okay.

I say, what's up, dream mama? I know you're not real. Whatever you're about to do to hurt me, it's not going to work because I got the jump on you. All right. That's what I say to my anxiety every day. Khyber, go ahead and roll me an insight check as well. Okay. 13. Okay. Yeah, you do feel how you said earlier. She says, it's that classic bravado that keeps you from improving your marksmanship. I

I should take away all of your bows. You are not using them nearly as efficiently as you could. No, I'm good. I'm the best there is. You're not real. My mom wouldn't say that to me. Really? I've been watching you ever since those things that happened to me back home, and I've been nothing but disappointed in the choices you've made that have led you here.

Well, I'm going to act like this is opposite day. All right. So my mom would be being like, hey, I'm so proud of you. You're so wicked cool. You're not getting in my head. Cyborg's brain is an impenetrable fortress and you're not getting in here. Fake mom.

Okay, we're going to go ahead and go to the next in the initiative order. I like that Kyborg thinks that he's, like, rebuttaling this whole situation, but he became a child upon seeing his mom. I'm rubber, you're glue. What God's got me sticks to you. Hey, hey, you got to not let the demons take over in the head. That's what my therapist says.

- Kyborg has a therapist in canon. - Sucked her in him. - No, I thought it was sleek. Bart, you see Omar and Sim soon.

sitting across from each other at the table and they don't notice you. They're having a very heated argument with each other. - No, don't get a divorce. - No, sorry Bart, it's already done. We've decided. We're going to split up. You just sit aside. We'll figure out who gets to keep you and who gets to keep your loot. - How old am I in this vision?

You look at yourself and you look how you expect yourself to look. This isn't real. This isn't real. I refuse to believe it. You guys are figments of my imagination. My fathers love each other very much and their love will prevail all. I've known them for all of five minutes.

Roll me an insight check, Bart. I rolled a 25. I actually have advantage. We'll roll that one more time. Yeah. Okay. I got a 25 again. So yeah, you know, like you're saying right now that this doesn't seem right to you. Mud, you see Clay sitting at the table. He looks at you and says, Mud, but you weren't real. You were an illusion that was created and planted in my memories. No.

No. I am pretty sure I'm the real deal and you're the fake one. Got him. No, that's not right. You're an illusion and you shouldn't have that badger. That's my badger. Give me gumbo. I will fight you to the death right now if you like. Go ahead and make me an insight check. Try to steal my bloody badger. Oh, I rolled a seven. Ha ha.

He says, you shouldn't be here. This will just cause confusion. I'm the true heir of the Bramblecrack throne, and that badger is mine. And Mud, you're very confused about all of this. It's not making sense to you. You're pretty sure that Clay was the illusion, but what he's saying kind of makes sense to you. I don't like this game. I

I hold a gumbo tighter. Okay. Gum-Gum, you see an elderly orcish wizard who seems to be shriveling up and dying sitting at the table. Oh my goodness. He says, Gum-Gum, I'm running out of magic.

Give me magic so that I may live. Okay. I pull out the wand and point it and roll. Can I do that? Yes. Roll a D100. 35. Do me a favor. Gum Gum, roll me another D100. Another D100? Yeah, the first D100 has options that you need to roll for. Okay. 94. You point the wand at him and activate it, and a rat appears next to the old man. And he says, better.

That doesn't help me, Gum-Gum. Here, give me the wand. Give me all your magic items. Put them close to me so I may live. Okay, I know the perfect way to do that. And I go and I hug him? Okay, yeah, that's good. Make me...

insight check gum gum 19 wow okay you go up and give him a hug but something feels wrong about the hug maybe it's because he's shriveled up but the hug doesn't feel like you're really not wrapping your arms around a person like he's not real or smaller than he should be just like something feels wrong about it and then the the rat hops up and begins giving you a hug

Like the rat does? Yeah. Is this a little rat? It's a regular sized rat. I don't know if it's little or big. Regular size. Are you telling me the truth? The rat hops on your head and begins pulling at your hair. Uh...

In what direction? In the direction to give a more firm hug. I squeeze tighter. I'll say at this point, we'll go back around to the top. Kyborg, roll me one more insight check just for fun. Insight. It's an eight. Hmm. Should I lucky that? Is that worth it? Feels like no. That's up to you. I'm going to go with no. My boss told me no. Okay.

I'm just your boss. Lame. We're looking at probably a bit of an encounter for the rest of this, uh, this whole episode and proceeding beyond that. So maybe we save our superpower that lets us reroll really important dice. Okay. Okay. No luck. You roll. It's an eight. Was that Troy Aikman? It was, wasn't it? Yeah, it was. We never make sports references here. Why are you making a sports reference out of nowhere? Cause it's a 90s sports reference.

Spoits? Spoits. Spoits. You're conflicted. On one hand, you feel like you're very confident your mother would never do this. But on the other hand, hearing these things kind of triggers old feelings of insecurity from being a child and being separated from your mother and wanting to have her around and to impress her. So you feel very conflicted about what's going on. Bart, go ahead and make me an insight check as well. Sure.

- Okay. - You're better than me. - I got a 12, but it's plus 13. I'll do it again 'cause I got advantage. My second roll was a three, so 12 plus 13 is 25. - Yeah, this is entirely wrong. Nothing about this is right. You feel very confident that this is not what's really happening.

Bart yells out, "You're not my real dad." What happens if I try to touch somebody, like Omar or Simsoon on the arm? Oh, you want to try that? Which one do you want to touch? Oh, just for reference, if you don't remember, Omar was the halfling and Simsoon was the dragonborn. I'll try Simsoon. Okay, yeah, you reach out your hand to touch Simsoon, and both he and Omar disappear.

What's left? What you see in its place is almost like a bluish skeletal apparition, and it makes a laughing noise. And at this point, the things, the visions that everyone was seeing, they all disappear. And all the people you were seeing are replaced by these bluish skeletal apparitions that all begin laughing in a very creepy manner. I start laughing as well. I say, ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I knew it! And I say, "I knew my dads weren't getting a divorce." That wasn't very nice. And I squeeze so hard that I try and crack him. Skeleton? Yeah. Skellington? You can't get a grasp on it. It's like, I would say ethereal, but you're in the ethereal plane. It's, you know, non-corporeal. Like ghostly? Yeah. But the rat is there, and it gets scared, and it runs away. Nooooo!

Should we just follow the plot line as rat for the rest of the episode? I've just been thinking about Rakakuni from Everything Everywhere All at Once a lot lately. Oh, yeah. To the far north, you see a man with his back to you, seated at the harpsichord, playing a wistful tune. He's wearing a tattered top hat, black suit, and a red ascot.

Without turning around, he says, Welcome, welcome. Oh, I do love visitors. Please don't be shy. Come in and take a seat. Dinner will be along shortly. Who is it? Is it Hugh? It's gotta be Hugh. Do you recognize the voice? You recognize the voice and the trappings of Hugh Manor. Hugh recognize the voice? Hey. Can I take a shot? Are we all back together? If you want. Yeah.

Yeah. You all see each other. As well as, you realize now when you were seeing your visions, you didn't see each other, but now you all see each other as well as spectral and sleep. I turn to Bart and I go, I'm real, right? Bart tries to hug Mud.

Yeah, you hug him and you put your arms around him. Do I have to make an animal handling role for that? I'm not an animal. I'm a fear bug. He's in fearbolic form right now. Gum Gum joins the group hug because he feels pretty crappy about his last hug. I'm taking a shot with the longer bow crystalline just to make sure that that's really human or ha ha ha ha. You know, you reach for your longbow, bring it out, aim it, but you realize your longbow crystalline is not there. It's missing.

I didn't even give it to him. What the heck? It's gone. I smack Fart's butt and give him guidance. Thank you. Well, a happy opportunity with a hug.

It's a little more than a hug. My kind of hug. The blue ghost-like beings, the skeletal beings that you saw, are pointing at the chairs at the table. They're like pointing at you and then point at the chairs. I pointed them. Do you want us to sit in the chairs, creepy skeleton men? Do you want us to hit you with a chair? The one you're addressing bark nods. What's your plan, Hugh Manor? I take that as he wants me to hit him with a chair. I pick up a chair and hit him with it.

You pick up the chair and take a swing at it, but it phases like almost out of existence as the chair connects with it and then fades back in. And it puts its hand in front of you and waggles a finger in a disapproving manner. These things, we can't touch them. I think we have established that. No, I know. I was just thinking about them.

Mud decides to play along to see this through and sits down at the chair. Bart also sits down. I take the chair, I flip it around, cool teacher style, and that's how I sit in the chair. I'm really attitudey about this. In my head, the chair was like one of those tall, back, ornate chairs, and so it's just kind of we're turning around, a chair that's taller than him, and just facing a chair back. Let's wrap.

It is. It's a very fancy chair and a very fancy table. It's very high-backed. And it's also like, if you've ever tried to do that with the chairs that have like the armrests that connect to the chair, so like feeding your legs through those holes, like it's not cool. Yeah. It's also ornately carved, so Kyborg is staring at like the face of a dragon that's carved into the back of the chair. I never realized how much more I like Kyborg when I can't see his face. Can I punch the top of the chair to make it to where I can see over it?

Yeah. Roll a d20. Do like an unarmed strike. 19 with my modifier. Oh, okay. Yeah. You connect very solidly with the chair and punch it and do a good amount of damage. It doesn't break, but you feel very good about it. Turn your buddy's hair around. Gum-Gum sees this, thinks now we're attacking the chairs and takes his axe and just slices a chair down the middle. Yeah. You reach for your axe to pull it out and slice the chair, but you realize your axe is also missing. Oh, okay.

Okay, after my little teenager fit, I spin my chair around and sit there properly. But I put my feet on the table. What does Gum-Gum do? Gum-Gum's like, okay, and sits down. All right. Hugh finishes his song, stands, and turns around to take a bow while tipping his hat. Thank you. Thank you. You're too kind.

First of all, what a pleasure it is to have you all back for another soiree. I appreciate you all making time to come in on such short notice. You all hear a little bell ringing in the distance. Ah, that must be our first course. Suddenly sizzling meats appear on silver platters along the table. What a spread! This is far too large a feast for us. We need more guests.

Oh no.

All three people seem to be chained to their seats, but they appear wispy and transparent as if they're ghosts. So it's Marge, Doctor, him, and Meld? Now, isn't that better? Allow me to introduce to you Captain Margerine Oiel, Doctor Acutarius H. Emeritusian, and Meld Manor. Of course, my daughter. Come, come. Let's not let the food get cold.

Dig in. No, it's gum gum. Captain Marge begins to weep and Hugh begins stroking his Van Dyke beard and smiles. Pay her no mind. You must be famished. Go ahead. Try our delicious meats.

Is it human? This guy's a cannibal, right? Yeah. It's human. What are we eating? I'm very picky. Bart's on a diet. Can't you tell? And he slaps his big fat stomach. He makes a little beat with it. My little chub. Let's just say this is some of the finest food from the ocean. Wait, that doesn't give us the details. When you serve someone food, just tell them what you're serving them. Wait, are these our crewmates?

From the Jebediah? Hugh can't answer. He's shoveling huge globs of meat into his mouth and chewy with juices running down his chin. I have a feeling these are sailors. Can I throw some of the meat at Hugh and say, food fight! Ha!

Yeah, if you want to. I do want to. Okay, make a dexterity check to see if you can hit him with it. I rolled a seven. You pick up a fistful of meat and toss it at Hugh Manor, but it goes a little wide and does not connect with him. He barely gives it a glance as it flies past him. What do you want from us other than us to eat people? I just want you all to be good guests and enjoy the fine spread I've prepared for you.

This is horrifying. Yeah, what's your game here, you psycho? You're weird, man. Hugh tucks a napkin into his collar, violently rips off another piece of meat from a nearby platter. His yellowish teeth tear into sinew and juices dribble down his bearded chin. Mmm, mmm, mmm, delectable.

But what's a dinner party without a conversation? Bart, I recently heard rumors that Captain Marge had several unexpected vacancies in her crew roster. Do you know anything about this? You know, Hugh, somehow I think I do. You're a monster, and you should be ashamed of yourself. Well, I heard they simply couldn't make ends...

All right. Now, I'm a fan of a pun myself, good sir, but not in this capacity. Hugh takes another bite of the grizzly meat before him. Captain Marge bursts into tears. Gum-Gum. Yeah. I trust you finally uncovered the truth about your parents, right? No. You did, Gum-Gum. You remember your dad's... Your dad has a name now. We know the name. Yeah, but I don't know where he is. Oh. I can see you require...

Simple explanations. Okay. So listen closely. Yeah. They didn't want you. Isn't that right, Meld? Haven't you been searching for your mother, Sadate, all this time? And where is she, hmm? And here I am, your father after all, providing for you, keeping you safe. Where's my thanks?

Why don't you unchain me and I'll show you my thanks, you murderous psychopath! Yeah, get 'em, Melt! Yeah! Now, now, family is important. Isn't that right, Kyborg? If only you knew who the real villain of your story was. Isn't that right, Doctor? Sorry, what? Kyborg, I don't know if you can hear me, but it's not what it sounds! Mud, I'm

Is he holding like a utensil of any kind? Sure, he's got a fork in his hand. I cast Heat Metal on it. Nice.

Yeah. You cast Heat Metal on the fork, and he very quickly puts it down. He's like, ooh, ouchie. Gumbo sticks his tongue out at you, Manor. Yeah.

Well, let's just say I'm feeling generous today. I'm willing to give you a second chance, Mudd. Everyone's surroundings blur with blue and purple mist, and the dining hall around you suddenly appears decayed and run down. Captain Marge, Dr. M, and Melt look at you, and you realize that you're back in the material plane. Convince me, Mudd.

Of what? Convince me not to kill Dr. Ahem right here. After all, I've never tasted kobold before. Hugh grabs the shackled doctor from behind and lifts him out of his chair with one hand. With his other hand, Hugh unsheathes his sword and holds it to Dr. Ahem's torso. It's alright, Mud. Everything will be- Silence, old man! It's Mud's turn to talk!

I'm waiting! Alright, listen. I get that everybody has their own little kinks and quirks and I'm not here to yuck anybody's yump. But I feel like there's a better way to go about trying to find different cuisine than to just go gallivanting around this entire land eating people.

I mean, do you seriously want to be the guy that is the people eater? Like, is that what you really want to be? Or is that just like the story that you're stuck with right now? It's not good PR. I agree. It ain't too far gone to just turn this around and like maybe not be the cannibal, which seems like that should be an easy choice. Could be a vegan. Make me a persuasion check, Mud. I have an idea. Persuasion check.

I'm using my inspiration die. That was an 11. Can I smack my butt too? Am I allowed to do that? Maybe act like you heard something funny and do a knee slapping. I know it's after the fact, so you can say no. No, no, no. Okay. Ah, much better. 20. Yeehaw. Hugh Manor seems to really consider your words. Hmm. Hmm.

I suppose the doctor's not exactly in his prime. Perhaps I should go for someone younger. Dr. Ahem grapples with the blade, but a sword thrusts into his stomach. The kobold grunts with pain as his waistcoat slowly reddens. Should have stuck with your cat. Dr. Ahem plunges the blade even further and Hugh cries out. Dr. Ahem collapses to the ground and Hugh looks down to see a pool of blood staining his own shirt. You stabbed me! You

The front door slams open and a blade flies out from a gloved hand and pierces Hugh squarely in the throat. Hugh falls to the floor gagging as blood spurts from his neck. Paralite steps through the doorway. Joke on that, you monster. Bart stands up in his chair and starts applauding. Queen! My queen!

I get up and make sure that I like hold down Hugh and make sure that he's not going anywhere. Yeah, he seems like he's not really protesting. He's reaching at his neck like he's trying to press on the hole that now exists in it. Does this hurt? Does it hurt when I do this? And I poke at the knife and I wiggle it and be like, do you need this out? Does this need to go out?

God. My follow-up is quickly, did Dr. Ahem stab himself and then Hugh? Right. He, like, pulled the sword further through so that it went through and also sliced it to Hugh as well. Was he maybe, like, mind-bended or something? No, that was his way of stabbing Hugh as well. It was a sacrifice. Yeah. Unless y'all have a healing thing, I'm going to do something. I'd love to see you heal. I go up and I have the Boon of Recovery pen.

From, like, episode, like, three. Yeah, so I can use that. What does it do? You can use a bonus action to regain a number of hit points equal to half your hit point maximum. Once you use the spoon, you can't use it again. It's really good. That's my best healing item. I want to save Dr. M, yeah. I have a mass cure wounds. Is the phrasing that you can use it on someone else? It says you can use a bonus action to regain a number of hit points equal to half your hit points. It seems like self. Oh.

Luz... Luz... Paralyte dashes over to Dr. M and leans down by his side. You came back. I'm here. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for so many things. How much I hurt you. How much I took away from you. How much I never said. You lost your way, Luz. But you're here now.

A tear trickles down Paralite's face as she looks up at you all. Is there anything we can do? Yes. Yeah, I mean, I...

I cast Wither and Bloom. What's that? Wither and Bloom. You invoke both death and life upon a 10-foot radius sphere centered on a point within range. Each creature within your choice in the area must make a constitution. That's the negative parts. In addition, one creature of your choice in the area can spend and roll one of its unspent hit dice and regain a number of hit points equal to the roll plus your spellcasting modifier. Okay. And at higher levels, the number of hit dice that can be spent and added to the healing roll increased by one for each slot above second. Ah.

Cast it at five. So four hit die. Does that work? Yeah. So I rolled a hit die then. Yes. Okay. And then could I also cure wounds? He also takes 22 necrotic damage. Yes.

Yes, you can, Bart. And you said it was five? Yeah. Okay. It seems to ease his pain. He seems to be a little more comfortable. And you wanted to do something as well, Bart? Yeah, could I run over to him and hold him and go, it's going to be all right. And then I cast Cure Wounds on him, which is 4d8 plus 4 healing. Yeah, I think you rolled that one. Yes. All right. That is 22 healing points. Okay. And both Bart and Mud, each of you roll, let's say an Arcana check. 11. 8. 5.

Mud, since, you know, you just cast Wither and Bloom, that's kind of like a combination necromancy and life spell, you know, it kind of encompasses all of it. That kind of opens up your senses to that. And you realize that the sword that Hugh Manor was using is some kind of magic sword from the Shadowmane that wields necromancy power. And you see that black veins are starting to show up all around the wound on Dr. Ahem's body.

Okay, I think we gotta say our goodbyes. Mud? Mud, my, how much you've grown, both as a druid and a fearbolg. You truly are fearless and even more fierce a friend. Look after them, Mud. Your friends need you now more than ever.

I've got to look after these guys now. Is this what you're going to put on me on your deathbed here, mate? Wait, he's dying? Yeah, go, go. He's dying. But... Doctor? You may not have grown quite as much. I'm not his deathbed. He's got a short joke. No, he's got some zingers. But your family certainly has...

Bart, your majestic music and tender hearts inspire us all every day. We all look up to you, Bart. Thank you, Doctor. Captain Marge approaches and starts patting you on the shoulder, Bart. Aye, aye.

I didn't know where my real parents were, but you've been like a father to me, Doctor Ahem. Kaiborg? I'm mindlessly playing with the knife that's still in Humana and I'm like, "Yes, Doctor, yes!" Kaidelius, there's so much I want to say to you. First, you should know that he was cast aside. We both were. Our parents didn't want us.

In their eyes, we weren't Draconic. I tried my best to be a brother and a father to him. I wanted to build a life for him. But if I had known the vengeance that was still in his heart, I never would have built Guardarius those arms. Guardarius? I... I'm sorry, Qyborg.

I was too late and I'm sorry. I hope someday you'll forgive me.

That sucks to hear. Who's Quadarius? Quadarius is Quadrin. He made Quadrin. You should forgive him. I recognize that he's passing, and I don't want him to die with him thinking I hate him. So I say in Draconic, rest in peace, my friend. Bart sheds a tear.

Gum-Gum? Yeah? Are you there? I'm right here. Gum-Gum, everywhere you go, you see friends waiting to happen. You bring people together, particularly with hugs. The truth is, you don't need all that other stuff. Wands, nor potions, nor whistles.

You are magical, just as you... No, no, no, no. Stay with us. Please, don't go. Hansel, don't go. And with that, Dr. Accutarius Hansel Emeritusian breathes his last breath.

Gum Gum's crying and hugging him. I hugged Gumbo. And it's an ugly cry. Do we hear that? I close Dr. Ham's eyes and then I walk back over to Hugh and I just kind of give him a couple of kicks.

I'm pretty upset. I just found out that Dr. Ham made Quadrant. That really sucks. He didn't mean to make him bad. I know. I'm making it about me, but, uh... Yeah, you are. Yeah, I know. Meld chimes in at this point. Look, I wish we had more time to grieve, but I'm afraid this is the 11th hour. Entropa forced the doctor and I to work separately so neither of us would know what we were constructing.

He threatened the lives of all the people we ever knew and loved. We had to build it. I'm sorry. What'd you do? What'd you build? Clang. Clang. The back wall of the room explodes open and shrapnel flies in every direction, nearly knocking you all to your knees. Gum-Gum, you look down and amongst the splinters you notice familiar toys at your feet. Plush flowers and stuffed fruit now torn and shredded on the ground.

You raise your eyes and see fluffy clouds quickly brushing across the night sky. Before you are rows and rows of radiant flowers, vines, and other plants, but at the far end of the garden stands a dark figure with bloodshot eyes. The time is nigh infinite. Behold, your true savior has arrived.

I will wipe the world of its arcane bondage and once again restore freedom to the far corners of Faiza. The figure steps forward from the shadows. You see Entropa, his entire body gleaming in crimson red armor. Each plate of armor shimmers with a unique diagem. Red, orange, yellow, green, blue. He raises a crimson crown onto his head and it glints with the indigo diagem in the center.

If you simply bow before me, I will offer mercy to you and those you hold dear. If not, just say the magic word. Please?

I don't know any other magic words. Where are we supposed to know the magic word? I don't know. Maybe I say instead I'll bow to you and I draw my longer bow. You still don't have your bow, but you do see it. It's near the harpsichord that Hugh Manor was sitting at previously.

So are we gonna fight this guy? I think we should fight this guy. So wait, who all is in the room? Just Entropa? We're out now. Well, you're still in the room, it's just the back wall has exploded and you can kind of see beyond the farmhouse as well. Mud pushes everybody back and says, I got this. He walks forward, he approaches Entropa with an open hand out forward and does like kind of a fake little kneel, but then comes back up and says, get bent.

Eat a cow, man. What do you want from us besides the bow? Either bow or say the magic word. Any clue what the magic word might be? Alakazam. We are failing miserably at this word game. Why doesn't everyone roll initiative?

Oh, I guess we don't know the last score. That's a three. 24. 13. 21. How did you roll a three, John? I rolled a one. Is your initiative just plus two? Yep. Wow. All right. Entropa would actually be first.

but just seems to be standing there watching almost like with a smug attitude. So that means Kyborg, you're up and then gum gum. Okay. So we're actually fighting him. This is, you're not going to do like an episode break where it's like, find out next time. We still have time. Okay. All right. I take a shot with my hand cannon. I say, is the magic words, pull my finger. And then my hand falls down and then a bullet flies out. That's pretty good. All right. Yeah. Go ahead and make that attack.

Okay. Ooh, 17 plus five, 22. Yeah, that would hit. The lead cannonball fires out directly at Entropa, striking Entropa, doing... 46 bludgeoning and 46 fire, so... Eight and 10, 18. All right. Yeah, the cannonball strikes true, doing 18 points of damage to Entropa. He needs to do a DC 16 strength saving throw or be knocked prone. All right, saved. Okay, okay.

And then I move to my longbow to go gather that. It's not too far away. You're able to quickly close that distance and gather your belongings. Okay. And then once I get that, I say, Forever Winter! And now Entropa is my mortal enemy. Okay. What a twist. So I have advantage on him, and I have cold damage, so I'm going to roll that. And that's a 25 and a 27. Hit. Hit.

Okay, here's the piercing. 11 plus I do 46 cold damage. Not bad. 18. The arrow strikes Entropa and gets, you know, lodged in the armor that Entropa's wearing, and you see it kind of frost over just a little bit from that cold damage. Okay, and then I don't know if... Oh, we did a short rest, so I have arcane arrows. So I'm going to do a...

I'm going to do a grasping arrow on this one. A creature hit by the stair takes 2d6 poison damage. Its speed is reduced by 10 feet and it takes 2d6 slashing damage every time it moves one foot or more. So I'm going to do the initial attack. It's a 23 and a 21, 23. Yeah, that hits. Okay, here's the piercing. You have good modifiers to your attack rolls. Nine plus 4d6.

All right, that's 22 for cold damage. Hell yeah. That's good. 2d6 for poison damage. Four. Okay. And then, yeah, once again, that was a grasping arrow, so... Do I need to make a save on that? The brambles last for one minute until you use this option again or until any creature uses an action to remove them with an athletics check, DC 12. Okay, so the brambles are just there. Yeah. Okay.

That's my three attacks. That's record timing. Can I use whatever range or time that I have left in remaining movement to move away, or is that going to... Yeah, you can move away. You're not in any sort of attack of opportunity range. Okay. I'm going to put as much distance as I can with the remaining speed that I have left. All right. Yeah, so you put some distance between yourself and Entropa just to be on the safe side of things.

That means it is Gum-Gum's turn and then Bart. So how did they seem to react to everything? You know, the cannonball hit, the arrows hit, the armor. It seems like it's doing some damage, but Entropa largely seems unfazed so far. And the die gems, where are they in relation to Entropa? Each individual armor piece. Right. It's like each of the pieces of armor has different die gems in them. And the crown on Entropa's head has one as well.

Sorry to cut in. Is this Dr. Ahem's armor that he was building? That was like, we powered it with a Shaman Seuss's thing. It's hard to say. It might be, it's a similar design, but you don't know if that's because it's that same one or because maybe Dr. Ahem had a hand in making this as well. Understood. Which of the die gems on him would be the most readily accessible? Just the purple ones on the crown, isn't it? Indigo, but yeah, purple. Well,

- Well, I'm gonna start. Wait, do I have my stuff or I need to go grab that too? - You can grab it. It's not too far away. - Okay. I'll grab my stuff and I'll rage. That's a three and a five. I can either summon a flump or forceful rebuke. Hmm. I guess I'll do forceful rebuke. Whenever a creature hits me, they get 1d6 force damage.

And then I want to recklessly attack, but I really want to try and grab his crown. Or if you'd let me use the immovable rod to teleport right next to him and grab his crown. Well, yeah. How do you want to approach it? Well, can I do that with my action? Like use immovable rod and then just grab it? Like, so I'm like right where he wouldn't expect me and I'd just be able to grab it.

-Yeah, you can give that a try. What's the range on the M-Moveable? I don't remember. -It's far. -You teleport 40 feet. -40 feet, yeah. -Yeah, you might have to use some of your movement to get a little closer, but you should be able to try that. -That's fine. -Okay. -What's your aim here with it? -I'm taking his powerful stone things. -He's trying to teleport near Entropa's head to grab at the Crimson Crown. -Diagem. -Right, and the one that has the Indigo Diagem in it. -Got you. -All right, you blink out of existence and reappear in the air near Entropa's head.

Make a dexterity check to see if you can reach out and grab the crown. Okay. And I want to do this recklessly. Can you do that with like a touch? If it's an attack, then I can first attack in my turn. You can decide to attack recklessly. Okay. Don't do reckless touches. Ask for consent. I will say it gives you advantage on melee weapon attack rolls. Okay. Yeah, I would say it doesn't apply to like touching something like this.

So that's 17. Okay. Yeah. You pop into existence right by Entropa's head, reach out and grab at the crown. But as you do, Entropa itself disappears as well and then teleports back into the position where you were previously, Gum-Gum. And just wags a finger back and forth as if to tell you no. And that's specifically when he tried to grab the crown. Right.

Or I guess it's like when Gum-Gum disappeared and then reappeared. So is Entropa like next to us now? Uh, yeah, Entropa's much closer, like in the midst of all of you, since that's where Gum-Gum was. Great, great, great, cool. Ha ha ha!

Do I have another attack then? Does that count as one attack or what? Reaching out to try to grab at it. We'll just call that a bonus action. Okay. Well, then I'm going to run this time to him and recklessly attack with my axe. All right. Sure. Yeah. Go for it. Can I aim at wherever the die gems are? The other ones? Called shot? Normally we don't do called shots. So I'll say no. Just

just 'cause that's a whole other kind of worms. - Okay. Gum Gum has worms. - I rolled a 29 and a 22. - So we'll take the 29 because it's reckless. So yeah, that does hit. So yeah, go ahead and roll your damage. - That's 17 points of slashing damage.

- And I'll do it once again. - All right. - Kill, Gum-Gum, kill. - That's a 15 to hit. - For this attack, it misses. Entropa sees this one coming and just very quickly steps out of the way and your swing goes wide, missing. - Okay. - That's okay, Gum-Gum. - Okay.

Sorry. And that's it. Okay, we got Bart and then Mud. So is he, he's actually taking the damage when he gets hit, right? You think so. It's hard to tell, but it seems like, you know, armor's getting scraped or, you know, arrows are sticking and it seems like, yes. Okay. There's no way to know for sure. But specifically when Gumman went for the crown, he did that little teleportation trick. Yes. Yes.

Do I have my daggers on me? You do not, but you can retrieve them from the same cache where everyone's items were over by the harpsichord. Yeah, can I just grab my items out of there? Yeah. Shredo, want to play on the harpsichord really quick for us? As he's picking up his items, he does a little strum. Just to hear some music. May I'm a bard. What do you think a harpsichord is, Blaine? I was thinking of like a cool guitar or something. Nope, not a harpsichord. Nope.

Never mind. Think of the old timey. Well, angels. No, it's a piano that doesn't sustain any of its sound. So it's that like very think of a Victorian sounding piano. Old. Does anything happen when Bart plays an instrument? Oh, you actually do it? Yeah.

Yeah. Sorry, I thought you were just goofing around. You make some beautiful music. Play a little scale, but no, nothing seems to happen beyond. And we all get 50 temporary HP points. That's crazy, guys. He didn't even tap his toe. He didn't even tap his toe. Entropa says, not music, my one weakness. No. We did it. Finally, my time to shine. Yeah.

Could I attack Entropa with my dagger? Yeah. Yes. Ooh, some melee action from Bart here. Can I reroll that? Yeah. Have I cast a spell since we had a hug and I patted his butt? I did. I did Wither and Bloom. Yeah. Dang it. So that was a 12 from Bart. Bart was maybe a little overly excited. The emotions ran high. He charges in with his dagger and misses his strike at Entropa. Charging.

Trips over human or his corpse. Right. So it didn't connect. Do you have a cool bonus action you could do? There was. I was going to do a bonus action based off me hitting someone with a ranged attack or sorry, with a melee. Yeah. So I guess I will do my mantle of inspiration. Okay. So as a bonus action, I spend one use of bardic inspiration to grant everyone 11 temp HP. Thank you. Thank you. And I can give it to four creatures. So could I give it to meld? Absolutely. Absolutely.

Okay, I'm gonna give that to meld as well. And then you guys could also immediately use your reaction to move up to your speed without provoking opportunity attacks if you want. Paralyte chimes in and says, Thanks. Oh. You're strong.

Only killed a bad guy. Yeah. How far is Entropa from me? Really close, like 5, 10 feet. Because after Entropa teleported and swapped spots with Gum-Gum. I'm not moving. Is that it for you, Bart? Yeah, I can't do anything else, so... You did a lot. The healing helps. For movement, can Kyborg move to the outside through the wall that Entropa broke? Yeah, you absolutely can do that. Okay.

I'm going to do that. Just get some distance. Mud looks at Entropa and looks at Bart and sees that Bart tried his hardest and really went in there for a dagger hit and then gave us some temp HP and turns to Bart and goes, Bart, let me give you a boost. I don't know. I don't know what good that'll do right now. It's not my turn. Mud casts summon draconic spirit and makes a metallic dragon appear underneath Bart in a way that Bart is now riding the dragon.

Cool. Would you say that this dragon is worth... Would you say it's a statuette of a dragon worth at least 500 gold pieces? Well, I used my statuette of a dragon worth 500 gold pieces to summon it, but it is a metallic dragon, which some might say that's a statue. No. Okay. Okay.

Anyways, he summons the Draconic spirit and makes a dragon appear underneath Bart because we need more dragons in this story. Kyborg and Draconic says, holy moly. Mawah!

So now this dragon's my friend and Bart's friend, and like my other summon creatures, gets to take its turn after me. But I'm not done with my turn. Since I am right on top of Entropa, I actually get right in Entropa's space, and Mud does a trick that Mud's never done before, which is uses a power called Elemental Wild Shape. Ooh.

I can expend two uses of Wild Shape. I assume it's a bonus action and I can expend them both at the same time. Yes, Gus? That sounds like it to me. Okay. And turns into a Fire Elemental. Ooh. And the great thing about a Fire Elemental is that I can occupy the same space as an enemy and immediately do damage just by being in their space without an action.

Hmm. Like fire damage from the elemental aspect? Yeah. The elemental can enter a hostile creature space and stop there the first time it enters a creature space on a turn. That creature takes 1d10 fire damage,

and catches fire. Until someone takes an action to douse the fire, the creature takes 1d10 fire damage at the start of each of its turns. Nice. I'm going to roll 1d10 for fire damage. All right. That's a one. Cool. Not the best. But now Entropa's on fire. Yes. And at the start of every of Entropa's turns, there will be an additional d10 damage. Correct. Okay. Plus he's in those brambles.

Um, do you want me to resolve my dragon now? Yes. For reference, he teleported out of Brambles, remember? Dragon gets to take a multi-attack. The dragon makes a number of rend attacks equal to half the spell's level, and it uses breath weapon. So I take three rend attacks. Okay. And then dragon breath. Rend is, uh, it's a melee weapon attack, your spell attack modifier to hit, and it takes 1d6 plus 4 plus the spell's level piercing damage. So I'm gonna roll for attack...

I rolled a nine. Your spell attack modifier, which is plus 10, so 19. That is a miss. Whoa. A 19's a miss? Mm-hmm. That's not fun. All right. I'm going to roll it two more times. That's a 20. That's a miss? No, that's a 21. That's a hit. I found it. I found it, everybody. Way to go, guys.

And then I'm just gonna roll since I've already got my hand over the d20 for the next rend. That's a 17. Miss. Miss. Dang it. So then, uh, 1d6 plus 4 plus the spell's level, which is 7th level spell. 1d6. 6. 10. Oh, that's better. 17 damage. Okay.

And then my last thing he gets to do is he gets to do Breath Weapon. The dragon exhales destructive energy in a 30-foot cone. Each creature in that area must make a dexterity saving throw against your spell. The dex save is 18. Creature takes 2d6 damage of a type this dragon has resistance to. Your choice on a failed save or half as much. I rolled a 14 plus my modifier. I made the save.

Okay. I guess we don't know what this guy... He's wearing a suit. I'll go fire. Keep going fire. 2d6. Oh, bad roll. Five. Okay. So what's half of that? Two. So two. I was actually saying what's half of that while I was looking to see if there's any more pluses to add to it. Okay. Got it.

A valiant assault, Infinites. Well, I wonder, what can you offer me when I take away your precious Arcana? And I will know.

A red shockwave blasts from Entropa and all at once you feel power drain from your body. Colors seem to fade, flowers seem to wilt, and you feel it. That extra spark of life just isn't there anymore. Entropa offers you a crooked smile. Now it's my turn. Entropa opens his mouth, creating a dark void around Mud. Mud, you become petrified and take 112 cold damage.

Let's down. Entropa tears a rift in space with his finger. He summons raw energies from another plane and conjures a kinetic energy weapon in the shape of a giant greataxe. He swings it in a great arc, hitting Kyborg, doing 152 points of damage. What the heck? What kind of damage? It is force. Give to the Kermax. Shoot! Entropa just looks at you, Bart, and just says, and you fall to the ground.

Entropa looks at you, Gum-Gum, and says, Last words, mortal. I don't say anything. I go over and run to Bart and try and give him a heal potion. I just ignore him. As you begin running, you're not sure what happens, but Gum-Gum, you fall to your knees. The last thing you hear is Entropa howling with laughter.

Everything around you fades to white. After a brief moment of blindness, your eyes start to make out blurry shapes around you. Gum-Gum, you feel overwhelmed, but safe and warm. You see a mountain with seven plateaus in the distance, and you notice your body isn't physically here, only your spirit. You know you've been here before. It's Mount Celestia. And a familiar voice echoes around you.

- A brilliant array of rainbow colored showers before you like a waterfall of light. Your eyes slowly adjust to the dazzling display and words seem to fail what you see. The best you can muster is a celestial deity more beautiful than a field of flowers and more radiant than a thousand sunsets. Her skin shimmers between colors like a kaleidoscope. Her hair blazes like never ending flame and her eyes glimmer like a pair of full moons. - I am Seren Dino. - Ah, yeah. - Architect of Arcana.

Unifier of lands, queen of all of Facebook, and proud mother of you, my son. I mean, I didn't hear that, but... What? My dear boy, I can only imagine the myriad of questions you must have, so I will try to explain as much as I can.

But I'm afraid time is against us, and a crucial decision must be made. It was many, many moons ago when Phaser was one land, its people united under my kingdom. My love for Phaser was so great that I bequeathed the world a gift, the gift of Arcana, in the form of six magical cores. You know them as Diagets.

There was one phaeson that stood amongst the rest. An orc with world-renowned wisdom and a spirit freer than any in the land. Gerador Arr. I spent many years with Gerador, and each day we fell more and more in love with another. As a gift, I crafted him a wondrous wand. The same wand you now possess. The Wand of the Wise Arr.

Geridor traveled throughout Vesa and eagerly taught the various schools of magic to anyone willing to learn. But soon his excitement turned to interpretation. Geridor began to hear stories and bear witness to people manipulating magic to control others, wielding spells as weapons, all in an effort to gain power. Meanwhile, we had both built a life for ourselves in Vesa, including a home and even conceiving a child of our own.

We named you after your father's father, Galindo. But I always fancied calling you by your nickname, Gum-Gum. Over time, your father's heart became encumbered with bitterness and resentment. He regretted teaching people the ways of magic and was convinced that I needed to withdraw magic from the world that people weren't ready for. In his eyes, it was all a mistake.

I felt Faiza needed more time, mentorship and guidance. Unfortunately, Garridor just couldn't see it. It wasn't long before we went our separate ways and I continued to lurk after you on Dynasti Island. But Garridor, he was never able to let it go. His bitterness grew to rage and that rage all but consumed him. One night, he somehow managed to lure you outside our home, away from our protection.

He used you as a bargaining chip, threatening to take your life. In exchange, he wanted my crown that housed Diagems. This crown. Dia reaches up to her blazing hair and a brilliant white crown appears around her head. She takes it off and holds it out. This is yours, Gangong. You are the rightful heir of the Diadem of Diagems. But that night, I gave Eridore the crown to spare your life.

Once he wore the diadem, Gerador nearly matched my own celestial power. A relentless battle waged until we were both exhausted. In the end, I finally managed to imprison him, but at a great cost to you, to Faiza, and to myself. It took every last bit of my strength to save your life, but it meant Faiza would fall apart, the diadems would be scattered, and I would have to depart to the material plane. But now you're here.

Which means your father has returned. And he has the means to eradicate magic from Faiza. And so my dear Gum-Gum, you have a choice. You can choose to stay here and take your rightful place amongst celestial deities and spend all of eternity with me, your mother. Or you can take this diadem, return to the material plane as a mortal, save your friends, and stop your father in trouble.

The choice is yours. No big deal. He just got Darth Vader'd. Oh, no. Find out what Gum-Gum's choice is in the next episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Your dad's Entropa. That's messed up, bro. Chris, give us a, that's not true. That's impossible. I don't know what anything is anymore. That's so much information for little Gum-Gum.

Yoink. Here's a quick shout out to folks that interacted with us on social media recently. Here's some NPCs named after them in this episode. Of course, there's Smarsh, the purple worm king named after at Smarsh show. Well, I also want to give a special thanks to some friends who provided VO for characters in this episode, like Sleek, who's voiced by Ben Ernst, Spectral voiced by Christian Young, Hugh Manor voiced by Trevor Collins,

Dr. Ahem, voiced by Micah Reisinger. Of course, you know him, our writer, editor, and composer. Meld Manor, voiced by Griff Milton. Captain Marge, voiced by Zoe Terhune. Paralite, voiced by Hannah McCarthy. And Entropa, voiced by Armando Torres. Thank you for listening. Be sure to tune in next time for the two-part finale of this campaign. Don't worry, this is not the end of the show because we have plenty more tales to tell at The Steaky Dragon. ♪