C01 - Ep. 81 - Lost Dianasty - Here Today, Gone to Morrow
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This podcast is supported by FX's English Teacher, a new comedy from executive producers of What We Do in the Shadows and Baskets. English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job, while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

This is a Rooster Teeth production. Best wishes to all you be here. Slither on into the stinky dragon. Quaff our latest cocktail. Many hands make lightning work. It's a mixture of VOD contract, reptiloid room, and a squirt of electric true city soda. One swallow of this centipedal sauce is better than breathing lightning in a bottle.

Previously our adventurers caught up with their old frenemies Grizzly and Aleve. Next they delivered a set of quadruplets at the Orchard Niche where Bart and Gum Gum grew up. Then they learned more about their past from an elderly Papixie and some Deja Roots. But now Gum Gum can't seem to wake up from yesteryear. Grab a grog and let's continue on our aromatic adventure.

Doing that voice is weird in the afternoon. In the morning, my voice is still a little more gravelly, so it's easier to do. Doing it in the afternoon, it's like, oh, my vocal cords are too warmed up. They're too clean. I like how also we're recording this episode remotely. And so we could all see each other. We all have our webcams on. And seeing Gus's face while he does that. While he do his dance.

Normally, the way we record it, you're kind of faced away from me, aren't you? So you can't really see it. Yeah. I'm just sad that Chris and John aren't slapping distance of me for whenever they do something dumb. Or whenever John looks at me disappointed, whenever he catches me on my phone doing something that isn't Stinky Dragon, he'll just put a hand on my shoulder. Sorry, Father. Disappointed, Father. I'm also disappointed. I'm jealous of you. I have no free time to look at anything other than Stinky Dragon. All Stinky Dragon. All Stinky Dragon.

All the time. 81 episodes. Here we go. Quick recap here.

Without thinking, you crash through the window, uh, heading towards the puppy. You approach the scruffy little puppy, whimpering and struggling in the vines, and before you can help the poor thing, it starts growing. It rapidly gets larger and larger, matted and feral hair stretching out across its now beastly body. The vines easily snap off of it, its eyes turn a shade of crimson red, and the massive monster bares its teeth at you. You feel the fangs sink into your arm, and a mixture of sharp pain and drowsiness washes over you.

Ouchie.

- At first I was like, Chris is about to interrupt what these two words are. And then I forgot that it was ouchies. - He was prompted to give the words and that's what he came up with. - Can I jump on top of him and then unarmed strike him to try to wake him from his weird little fit? - Is that what you want to do? - Absolutely. I need to get him out of this. I need to help my friend. - Okay. Yeah. Like make a, like a touch attack to see if you're able to get him. - That's a nat 20.

Gum Gum, at the same time, I want you to roll your wild magic surge. Gum Gum raging?

I just rolled a 29. He did say his eyes were red, so I imagine there's some type of rage happening. I rolled an eight. Blinding bolt. A bolt of light shoots from my chest. Another creature of your choice that you can see within 30 feet of your seat on a constitution saving throw. Take 1d6 radiant damage and be blinded until the end of the next turn. You probably can't see him, can you? But I feel like someone on top of him would be just the direct path.

of that lightning bolt. You read my mind, John. Yeah, that effect lashes out without Gum-Gum really being able to focus it and strikes the person closest to him, which at this point would be Kyborg. So to recap... Simultaneously, Kyborg is jumping on top of Gum-Gum and as he's jumping on top of Gum-Gum to try to pin him down, this surge of energy, radiant energy, bursts out from Gum-Gum. It meets its...

like some kind of anime, like you're suspended in midair about to come down and punch him and this blinding light envelops and engulfs you. Doing how much damage, GumGum? You have to succeed on a saving throw or take 1d6 and be blinded. Oh, okay. So make that saving throw, Kyborg. We're going to kind of resolve this all at the same time. Would this be a...

What kind of saving throw are we talking here? Constitution? I believe that's what he said, yeah. Yeah. Constitution saving throw. 22. I think that makes it. Yeah, it would make it. So I rolled a nat 20 on my Unarmed Strike, and I didn't get a hit on Gum Gum, but he Shazammed me off of his body. You will. I just can't resolve all of these things at the same time. Oh, okay. All right. So he doesn't take any damage or has no effects? Yeah.

Okay, so you kind of sense it coming, Kyborg, and you close your eyes and shield it with your other arm and still manage to land your... I wouldn't say attack. Land your leap onto Gum-Gum. Yeah, my attack. Yeah, and you strike him, doing five points of damage. It seems like his eyes do flicker a little bit, red to brown, but then surge back to red. Mm.

Could I go up and hold GumGum's hand? Oh, okay. I just go, it's okay, buddy. It's okay. It's just a dream. It's just a bad dream. It's okay. Just wake up, GumGum. GumGum, wake up. Now hit him. Can I say anything? No, you aren't there mentally. Less so than normal. As opposed to the rest of this campaign.

I say, Bart, Mud, quick, grab his rock. You know, the rock that he's... And then we just start sticking the rock into his throat. A boomba? Yeah, chew on the boomba. Bart, you're trying to calm him down. What kind of role do you want to do? Like a persuasion there? What do you think? Animal handling. Um...

- I don't know, what would that be? Would that be medicine? - Yeah, sure, let's do medicine. - Man, okay. Oh, nat 20, 25. - Nice. - Oh, wow, nice. - I know, probably nat 20s already. - Yeah, maybe the combined power of Kyborg's brute force and Bart's gentle touch seem to begin having a soothing effect on Gum-Gum, and he slowly becomes still, and his eyes turn back to their normal state of brow. - Mud, your turn, you do something cool.

He seems to be all right. I think I'm just going to leave it there. Munch is watching this whole time. He's filing his nails. Yeah, I'm in the back just to have my own time. Hey, Gum-Gum, what happened there? Gum-Gum, you start to feel normal again, except you feel a stinging sensation on your arm. You look down to see crimson red bite marks clear as day, scarring your forearm. The stinging subsides, but a dull pain continues to linger. Wilhelm steps up and asks, Gum-Gum, are you okay?

I swear to you all, this has never happened to us before. What did you see in your visions? I saw a mean doggy who bit me on the arm. And then I felt a punch in the face. And I don't know where that one came from. Maybe an invisible mean doggy. It was also the dog. I'm pretty sure that was the dog too. Yeah, it was his tail. Very, very rough tail wagon. Dutch style. Yeah. Yeah.

Are there any haunted dogs in here? Do any of us have any physical markers from the visions we had or is it just gum gum? Make a perception check. Can you remind me what my vision was, Gus? 24. You were out in the wild and someone put dirt in your tea, your coffee. That's right. And someone was putting my arm on me. That's right. No, Bart. You don't notice any other physical markings on either yourself or any of your friends. What was mine again?

Yours was, I think, was it your first musical instrument or you were hearing someone play music for you? I think I was hearing a lute. You were on the deck of the Jebediah and you saw Marge and a mysterious figure talking. And a mysterious figure. Okay, okay. Now you all tell me what your vision was. Wilhelm asks, what did you all see in your visions? Wilhelm, I saw a memory of mine that involved the beginnings of when I discovered the glory of putting dirt in your coffee.

However, that was a memory that I experienced. Why would Gum-Gum get a physical change from his memories? Wilhelm furrows his furry brow. Have you heard of Contracana? Yeah, but maybe didn't explain it to everybody else. Gatborg wants to pipe up and say, Mud, I think you sound a little sick from that mud in your coffee. Is everything okay? Yeah.

For the listener at home, I'm sick, okay? Wilhelm says, well, Contra Cana has also been called anti-magic. I've only ever heard tales of such sorcery from long ago in ancient times of Faesa, but perhaps Gum-Gum has somehow been affected by it.

I may not know much about it, but the Taureans to the north are well-versed in all schools of Arcana. Some say they were among the first spellcasters. Contra-cana. Contra-cana. Anti-magic? Yeah. I swear, this is like the third time someone's told us that we have to go talk to these stupid Taureans. I really think we need to head up that way. Could Gum-Gum take his mouth up toward the...

bite mark and see how big it is in relation to his own mouth so he could see how big the doggy was. Yeah, you get it close enough to get an estimate. Make a nature check. I also have something I want to try on Gum Gum, but it won't be a punch to the face this time. That's a three. This dog was massive. Like, I mean, a bear. This dog would eat a bear. Can I take a silver piece out of my bag full of money and then just kind of

Press it on Gum-Gum's skin lightly and see if it has any reaction. Yeah. Gum-Gum, make a constitution saving throw. 24. Good rolls today. Yeah, real good rolls. Where do you press it onto him, Kyborg? Let's put it near the source of the bite. Okay. Yeah, you press the cool silver piece near where the bite marks on his arm are, and it doesn't seem to really have any reaction. Okay. Hmm.

I thought he was a werewolf. I think we're good. No werewolves. So far, yet. I want to try something. I pull out of my bag a ball that I've had with me this entire time, and I throw the ball. He's going to play with it regardless of what you throw. Gum-Gum catches it. Make a dexterity check, Gum-Gum. Oh, I hope you beam him in the head. Boink. 19. Oh, yeah, you catch it handily. It's a really good ball. I like this ball. Thank you, bud. You're welcome. And then I go, mmm.

Show me the magic. Why are you doing detect magic? Because I want to see what bit me. Oh. Well, I mean, there's lots of magic in Wilhelm's cabin. Of course, the usual caveat, all you guys and stuff you have. But I mean, various trinkets and boxes. There's a lot in Wilhelm's cabin. But if you're looking for anything out of the ordinary on yourself, I would say you do not currently sense anything. Okay. So like nothing around the bite? Nothing that you can detect. Okay.

Wilhelm. Yes. Why would this bite on Gum-Gum's arm make you think of Contra Cana? It seems to be a reaction to magics that we tried to use. And the only, I wouldn't call it a school of magic, but the only type of magic that would potentially have this kind of reaction would be some kind of Contra Cana. As far as I understand, the Taureans are much more well-versed in it.

So would people who typically go into these visions, like not receive any sort of danger to them, but Gum-Gum clearly got hurt in his vision. So something amiss is happening here.

Absolutely. Also, Wilhelm, does the appearance of a dark figure that seems to be shared in what our friends are telling us about their visions, is that significant to you? Does this dark figure sound recognizable to you? No, but perhaps this dark figure has the answers that you are looking for to the questions that you were asking me earlier. There was a mysterious figure with Marge in my vision, too. Yeah, someone was doing stuff in my arms. Maybe it's all connected.

Maybe we're all destined to be best friends. Whoa. Or maybe it's Entropa. That's crazy. My vision told me that I have to kill Kyborg or else the world will end. So I guess we're going to have to follow through with all this. And just kind of blink it. Barter Muddy.

All right, well, I guess we should go find them to talk to them and get those answers. Yeah. Yeah, Wilhelm says, once you leave the cabin here, make sure you head north. You'll come to a hedged path that will lead you to the mystical meadows of Moro, where the Torians live. But again, remember, don't forget the Anarchs have cut us off, so you may run into some Anarchs along the way. I hope we do. Do you have any tips on how to fight those in a way where they don't spread out so quickly and powerfully?

Their strength is in numbers, as you can tell based on what you're saying. Just try to deal with them as quickly and efficiently as you can. You got it, dude. All right, let's head out. Okay. Really quick, Gum-Gum, are you okay? How are you on health and stuff? I feel good, yeah. And Gum-Gum runs out of the room and right through the day job violence.

Oh, no. I feel good. Let's go. Wilhelm puts his head in his hands and just shakes his head a little bit. And then the silvery mist envelops all of you, even Gum-Gum. And you all appear on the other side of the Deja Violets away from the cabin. That was a quick way to get out. It was the only way to get out. Gum-Gum, what happened? You were just in the cabin. I don't know. I think your flowers are broken.

Oh my god, come come, there's something on your arm! What happened? Oh my goodness! Mud just starts walking north. Yeah, I join Mud. You all exit the cabin and begin trekking northward across the charred roots of Reminisce. Several minutes pass and eventually you seem to reach the end of the sprawling roots and come upon greener pastures once more. In fact, the grass is quite wild and tall in this area. Everyone go ahead and roll a perception check. Ugh, eight.

Wow, I rolled a two. Twelve. I rolled a twelve too. Yikey. Thirteen. Wow, you jinxed it, Barbara. You were commenting on everyone else having good rolls. Great rolls! Yeah, normally perception is, uh, y'all's strength. Kyborg, you feel a bit preoccupied with your thoughts. You keep thinking about what you saw in your vision and what it all means.

The rest of you, Mud, Bart, and Gum-Gum, you notice for the first time since you landed at Embry Oak Woods that you see clouds in the sky and distant rolling of thunder. You look a bit further ahead of you and you think you spot some stepping stones amidst the wild grass. You all press on through the grass and come upon flat cobblestones that seem to form a winding path.

You follow the path and eventually reach a tall hedgerow to your left and to your right, and in the center is an archway made of shrubbery. You look through the archway and the path seems to split off in a few directions, each shrouded in red mist. Ugh, Anarchs.

So wait, there's multiple directions we could go? Yeah, it's almost like you're at the entrance to like a maze. Oh, interesting. And beyond the archway, you can see there's a path to the left, a path that goes straight in front of you, and a path that deadens very quickly to the right. Mud, are you able to like turn into a flying creature and maybe scout like up ahead if it's a maze of which direction we should go? I'll do you one better. And I throw gumbo up in the air. Hey!

He doesn't come down. And Gumbo comes down and tells me what? Gumbo opens his mouth to speak to you, but pink bubbles float out of his mouth. What? Pink bubbles? Yeah. Is there some rosé up there or something? Every time he tries to open his mouth to talk, just pink bubbles come out and stuff. Throw me up next. Throw me up next. Okay. I throw Kyborg up. What happens? Make a strength check. Strength check.

It's only a seven. You go to try to pick Kyborg up, but he's just way too beefy. You cannot get him into the air. Sorry, I've been working on it a lot. All right. It looks like we're going to have to decide a direction without much information. So anybody got an opinion on which direction we go? Left. Sorry, left.

I wonder if the gods of this land knew you were going to say left and have decided something specifically for it. I think we should go straight, maybe. Split the party. I'm curious as to what's on the right path then. Like you say it dead ends, but I'm curious if there's anything there for us to look at. Do you want to go look? I do. Yeah. Okay. I'll go with part two. All right. You go saunter off. Like I said, it's not very far. 10, 15 feet off to the right. It just dead ends. It's just like a hedgerow there.

that goes and then like kind of doubles back to your left and then makes one of the walls to the path that was straight out in front of you. What kind of dead end is it? Like, is it walls? It's like just a hedgerow, like a hedge maze. You know, you ever see those? Yeah, just bushes. Can I poke my head through the bushes? Yeah. You stick your head into the bushes and as you do so, your eyes feel itchy, like there's something scratching them. And you realize it's because your eyebrows have grown rapidly out of control and are obscuring your vision. Ha ha.

And it only happened when I poked my head through the hedges. Yes, you are now blinded. Oh my God. Okay. Blinded with eyebrows? With eyebrow hair. Yep. Because they're just covering my eyes. But you look so wise. And it's just my eyebrows hair. My eyebrows. Okay. That's a funny visual. Nice bangs, I guess. I don't know. I'm trying a new look. Do you have a hair clip?

I'm getting old, fellas. How do I change my stat to blind again? There should be a status effect under conditions. I think you can add an active condition right there, like right under your hit points. I'll find it. You want a haircut? He pulls out his axe. I have a whittling knife. He thinks that there's magic afoot and that we need to do this hedge maze without touching the walls and without trying to look over them. Oh.

What's that minotaur thing? Is that old story? You just keep touching the left side of a thing and then eventually you find the exit. Yeah. While you guys are talking, could I try to take my dagger out and cut my eyebrow hairs? Sure. It's a lot to cut. It'll take you just a little while. Not too long. Okay.

Okay, well, let's go left. Someone's gonna have to hold Bart's hand for at least a little while, by the way, because he can't see. You wanna go up east? Could I, instead of going up east, could I grab onto Gum-Gum's leg and sit on his foot like a little kid would do on their parent? Yeah. Sweet. All right, so you all are going left? Yeah, why not? Yay. You go down the left path for a little bit, then it makes a 90-degree turn to the right and continues going in that direction. So at this point now, you're going north. Okay.

I assume y'all continue going that way. Yeah, sure. Yeah, and then you keep going, and then after a while, it then turns to the right, which is now to the east, and then the path kind of widens out a little bit, and it appears to be a dead end, and in the corner of this dead end is a wooden ladder leaning up against a shrub. Ooh.

Like a shrub that's like part of the wall of the hedge maze or a shrub that's in the middle of this dead end space? A shrub that's kind of in the middle of the dead end. It's not part of the hedge maze. We should probably go investigate that shrub. Might be able to see above everything. I'll go up the ladder. I volunteer gum gum. With me on your leg?

I will support the ladder's weight as per OSHA compliance. At this point, Bart, you've had enough time to work back your eyebrows, so you're no longer blinded. Yay. I leave my hair as breadcrumbs as we're going, by the way. Oh, that's a good idea. That's smart. I wanted to just point that out. Kyborg's like, I'll support this staircase. It's OSHA. Diagonal stairs. Oh, I just got it. I did, too. So did Blaine.

So, Gum-Gum, you're going to go up the ladder, and Kyber, you're going to hold it and secure it? Yes. All right. Gum-Gum, you go to, you know, begin climbing up the ladder, and then the ladder starts giggling and flying around, trying to stay out of your touch. Make a dexterity check. Oh, no! There's a one for a total of three. One of the legs of the ladder hits you in the forehead as it flies by, doing one point of damage. Oh!

And the ladder just continues to fly around just out of your reach. I had a hand on it before because I was trying to support it. Am I able to pull it down at all? Make a dexterity check to try to wrangle it. Okay. All right. 14. You get a hand on it, but then it, like, flies at a 90-degree angle opposite to what you're expecting and just...

stays out of your reach. How about we surround the ladder and try to give a pincer movement to get it? Is that an option, Gustavo? Yeah, sure. It's D&D. While we go into it, can I also set my hunting trap and lay it down below it so we're surrounding it? I put my hunting trap. Is

Does that work? I thought you said haunting trap. Yeah, yeah. Be very quiet. I will remind you, it is flying. It is not like touching the ground. Oh, it's flying. Okay, sorry, never mind. It's flying around. So yeah, who's doing this pincer maneuver? I think all four of us. Yeah. Oh, all four of you. Okay, so I guess, yeah, you all try to fan out and approach it from all sides. So everyone go ahead and make a dexterity check. They smack my butt. Nat 20, 25. 13. 14. 15.

12. Okay. It doesn't seem very effective, but you all do manage to kind of corner the ladder a bit, and Kyborg is able to get two hands onto it and wrestle it under his control. And as he grabs it and pulls it down, bullhorns appear at the top of the ladder, and they explode with magical energy. Everyone needs to make a dexterity saving throw. Oh, God. Oh, boy.

- 22. - Seven, just bad rolls all day long. - 12. - However, I can re-roll a saving throw that I fail. So let me know if I failed that. - 13. - Kyborg, you failed that. - I'm indomitable. I shall not be bested by this ladder. Once more, I shall roll 14. - Is that your final answer? - I can roll it again. - Could you only re-roll once if you fail or is it like a definite? - It says you can re-roll a saving throw that you fail. You must use the new roll.

14. So you got to use 14. That's my final answer. Bart is the only one who makes the save. The rest of us are gored to death by this ladder. Everyone except for Bart takes 27 points of fire damage. Wow. Bart, you take half. You take 13. Oh, I still take it? Man. Can I try something? Yeah. Could I use my loot of laughable levity to cast calm emotions on the ladder? Yeah.

Also, Gus, Gift of the Chromatic Dragon. Reactive resistance. I'm going to half that fire damage. You also take 13 then. Okay. So the Loot of Laughable Levity. So you could use one charge as a bonus action to do Calm Emotions. And that's what you want to do here? Mm-hmm. So Calm Emotions...

it specifically says it targets humanoids. Oh, it does? Yeah. Man, okay. So I'm going to say you can do it and everyone feels nice about it. Everyone feels like, oh, nice and relaxed despite taking the fire damage. And Kyborg, you still do have your hands on the ladder. Just FYI. I wasn't sure if I was clear about that. Okay. Mr. Ladder, are you ticklish? Does the ladder respond? There's no answer.

Okay. It still has the bullhorns. Yes. Kyborg has a hold on it. Yes. Kyborg can put it against the shrub. Absolutely. You put it up against the, well, you tell me. Yeah, I'll try to wrangle it and then put it up against that shrub, but I'll still keep my hands on it. Okay. And then you'll go up the ladder? Sure, yeah. I'll go to those horns that exploded just earlier. Okay.

All right, Kyborg, you begin climbing up the ladder, and when you're about halfway up, before you're able to see over the top of it, your arms start to tingle, and they suddenly go limp as noodles. Even my mechanical one? Yes. Oh.

Can I try and catch Kyborg as he falls? Well, he's standing. At the moment, he stopped, and he's standing on a ladder. So it's like, imagine standing halfway up a ladder, unable to use your arms. I could still climb that ladder. I'll lean into one of the sides of the rungs, you know, the struts going upwards. I'm going to keep climbing. I'm going to keep climbing. You keep climbing, and as you're climbing, your eyes start itching because they're being scratched by your eyebrows, which have rapidly grown out of control. I don't need my eyes to climb this ladder. I'm going to keep climbing the ladder.

Cut the chatter. Let's climb this ladder. All right. Yeah. You keep climbing. You won't be able to tell us what you see. Guy, boy. Guy, boy. Guy, boy. Whoa!

Make a wisdom check, Kyborg. He goes, who's saying that? 17. Okay, luckily you paid attention to how tall the ladder was and you do stop before just walking off the top of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, make a dexterity check because you're doing this with no arms. Not a save, a check. Oh, uh... Don't matter, don't matter. Shh.

No, you don't get to roll again. 11. I'll take the reroll just because it fails also. Great. Indomitable. It's not a saving throw. It's a check. Can you do it on checks? Curses. Yeah. You keep climbing the ladder, but since you're not able to use your arms, your foot gets caught on one of the rungs, and you trip and fall off of the ladder. Tell me, Gus, how bad is it? Do I rack myself? Fabric, you're not looking so good. I just...

Like limp arms, eyebrow hairs covering his eyes, tripped off a ladder. And you take eight points of falling damage. And in classic, like, Blaine fashion, I played off like, did that thing happen? I tried to get up without the use of my arms with these giant eyebrows on. I'm like, weird ladder.

So how does that go? Do you even stand up or do you just push yourself further into the dirt? Oh, Blaine is acting us out. You going to try to get up without your arms? He's trying to get up. He's just worming. Oh, he rolled over and stood up. He did it. He rolled onto his back. He has strong legs. He wiggled. That's impressive. Gum Gum's impressed. Wow. I have a question. Yeah, Bart. And you don't have to answer this, but...

Last time I got the green epipple of invulnerability, which is, it gives me a magical resistance when consumed and also resistance to all damage. Did y'all intend us to use those now? Or is that like more like we should save that for something real crazy? I don't want to like burn this. Hey, items are always at your discretion. I'm going to take my green epipple of invulnerability. You have resistance to all damage for one minute. And magical resistance, right? Yeah.

Yeah, it's a magical resistance that gives you resistance to all damage for one minute. Okay, could I try climbing the ladder? Yes, but just to be clear, it's not magic resistance. It's magical resistance to all damage. So if you were to get damaged, it would just halve the damage. Bart, I think there's still time. If you gag yourself, you can throw up that thing and we can still use it in battle. Okay, yeah, I'm going to undo that. I'm going to not do that. I just thought I wouldn't have like effects of the magic damage.

No, no. Like, I'm not trying to dissuade you. I'm just trying to be clear about what it does. It is a magical resistance to damage. So canonically, Bart vomits the thing back into the vial then. Yes. Great. Could I lasso the ladder? I don't think it's a problem with us catching the ladder. It's that if we touch the ladder, it is going to do magical things to us. Yeah, I was just going to take it with us. I want to shoot the ladder with my bow and arrow using my feet.

Let's go one at a time, boys. One stupid thing at a time. I want to see how this plays out. Go ahead, Kyborg. Make me...

A dexterity check with disadvantage to see if you're able to even hold the bow with your feet. Okay. I feel like you would have because you went so long without an arm. Ten. Don't defend him, Chris. No, you just can't quite. The bow's so big you can't get it, like, between your toes. You can't hold it, like, the wooden part of the bow. Can I hold it with one hand? Yes.

I appreciate the yes ending. I think we need to move on. I'm so sorry. Here's what Gum-Gum does is Gum-Gum holds the bow and then what Kyborg can do is use his teeth to pull the string back and the arrow and they will fire together and fire an arrow at this magical ladder that is a distraction. I was just going to ask you if I could try to cast sleep on it just to...

If we want to take this thing and not... You absolutely can. I could use a binding arrow, right? A grasping arrow? Yeah, you do whatever you want. All right, I give up on this. Sorry. One thing I wanted to try, because there's specific terminology on this item, is I use my wand of secrets. And if there's a secret door or trap...

Within 30 feet, it tells me it. What's the definition of a trap? I don't know, Gus. You tell me. Is this ladder a trap? You tell me. It's not a trap. It's a tarp. No, it does not detect anything. Okay, well, I address the group.

All right. I think this ladder is just a distraction. We're clearly in a dead end area and I think we need to retrace our steps and go the straight path that was at the beginning of the hedge maze. Okay. Does anybody disagree with that notion? Who said that?

Was there anything past this ladder? This is a dead end. Okay. Is it okay if I take the ladder with me? I'd love to leave this ladder that is actively trying to do bad things to us here. Okay. It exploded magical hurty hurt on us, and I don't want to bring it anywhere with us. Yeah, but I think it needs a friend. I think you need a friend, and we'll find one later on in the hedge maze. All right.

All right. Mr. Ladder or Mrs. Ladder, I hope you find whatever you're looking for and you learn to be nice to people who want to be your friend. Bye-bye. Don't let anyone ever call you stairs. Yeah.

While we leave this area, could I hop on Kyborg's back and start braiding his eyebrow hairs? Oh, yeah. Just so like they connect in the back with like the rest of his hair. That sounds really cool. Yeah. Make a slight hand check just to see because it's difficult because it's, you know, it's eyebrows.

Yeah, you get to work at it. Kyborg, it hurts a little bit. You're getting some of your eyebrow hairs pulled out. Eyebrow day. Got it. I just want them to connect to his hair. Bart, while you're doing this, you could also be ratatouille-ing him since he can't see. Like to guide him which direction to walk. Ishwani, finyapa.

I'm running really fast, so my arms are just flailing at the sides because I have no control over them. You're like a fast zombie. All right, we head back to the entrance and then take the straightforward path.

Okay, it goes straight forward for a little bit, not too far, 20, 30 feet, and then curves off to the right. And then it goes a little ways to the right, and then you see an intersection where you can either turn to your left or continue to go straight. And you see also, if you go straight, there's another turn to the right up ahead as well. Left? Or keep going straight? No, I'm open to suggestions. We go left. Okay. Sure. Always trust the quarter link. I'm not a compass. Okay, yeah. You are lucky, though.

Okay, yeah, so you all go left and you go up for a little ways and there's like a little staircase that goes down to your left or you can continue to your right.

The staircase that goes down to your left leads to like a grassy area. Whereas if you go off to the right, it's on cobblestones. Staircase upwards or staircase downwards? Down. I shouldn't say staircase. It's just a couple of steps, like two or three steps. Okay. While we're like wandering around and stuff, could I maybe see if I hear any voices or anything like that? Like of where people might be to help guide us in the right direction? Make a perception check. That

The ten. No, you don't hear anything out of the ordinary. Okay, thank you. Can I look for, like, tracks or anything, like, in the ground, or, like, let's put my ear against it, like, I'm listening. Yeah, make a survival check. Yes. Fourteen. The only tracks you see are the ones that you and your party have been leaving so far. I trip over gum gum. So what's following us?

Alright, so there are the two or three steps down to your left or you can continue on the cobblestone path to your right. I'm curious about the grass, so I go down the steps. Yeah, I'll follow. I'll follow as well. You go down and there's like a curved head row in front of you and to your left it immediately ends after about five feet and then it arcs around to the right. Then if you go to the right, it either continues arcing to the left or you can take a path off to the right.

Should we be drawing this? I know. Is this going to be a picture? This would be hard to remember everything you're saying from your verbal storytelling. Yeah, let's just recount real quick. We walked into the maze. We went left, right? And that's where the ladder was. And there was no other place to go. Correct. You went left and then you turned right to the north. Yeah. And then you turned right again to the east.

And then down to the south from there is where the ladder was. Is this right so far? Yeah. Blaine has a little drawing. We went left on that little branching out. That's down the stairs. So, oh, hold on. We went left and then we turned to the right, which would be going north. Yes. And that's where we met the ladder. Then you went to the right, which is east just a little bit.

And then down south from there is where the ladder was. And then did we just recount our footsteps all the way back to the start? Correct. And there was no other place to go from where that was. Remember you went to the dead end where you tried to stick your head? Well, that was all the way to the right, was it not? Correct. Yeah, correct. And really quick, so on this...

that we just went to our left is where the stairs are, right? You went down the stairs, correct. Okay, and then to the left is a dead end after five feet. Yes. And then to the right is just like a lower area filled with more grass or what's more grass and it continues either in like a curved path to the left or you can take a right

turn. Let's keep using that lefty. Is everyone ready to go? Everyone caught up with their maps? Yes, thank you. Are we going like into the grass or is it like... Yeah, y'all are still in the grass. Since Bart's ran out of eyebrow hair, can I make a flower every once in a while? Oh, for the leaving our daisy chains. Oh, yeah. Like daisy chaining.

Also, by the way, Bart is done braiding Kyborg's eyebrow hair. He can see again. And his arms seem to be fully functional once again as well. Nice. I do some karate chocks. Did you say karate chocks? Yeah, he did. No, you did.

We go left. Yeah, you hug that hedgerow to your left and it's like a semi-circular path. You go in like a circle to the left and the path dead ends into a hedgerow. Okay. It's another dead end? Yes. Do we see anything there other than just the dead end? Make an investigation check. I might roll a 10. I rolled a 10. Oh, you're investigating as well? Lots of grass and hedgerows. Hmm.

Okay, so then let's go back. Do you guys not want to investigate? We didn't roll very well, so there could be something. Sure, I'll investigate. 18. 18. The master detective Kyborg investigates and is only able to find hedgerow and grass. All righty. Guys, I've discovered that my eyebrows are beautiful. You're welcome. I want to light up my incense and cast augury.

to ask for guidance. You receive an omen from an otherworldly entity about the results of a specific course of action that you plan to take within the next 30 minutes. Wow. So what is the specific course of action that you plan to take within the next 30 minutes that you want to ask about? Should we follow left every way?

Is that the best way? That's what passed. Yeah, it's not that specific. I think it has to be more broad, like how Gum Gum is phrasing it. Nothing. Nothing happens. I mean, you know the trick for finding your way out of the maze. You just keep one hand on one wall the whole time.

That's what I was saying. Yeah, let's retrace our steps and take that other route, the other path we could take. So if we go back down the semicircle, there was a straight path that we haven't explored yet. So we're currently over here. Like off to the right, just to the north of the steps that you went down. Correct. Yeah, you go there. It's also kind of semicircle. You turn ever so slightly to the northwest.

and you see that there's a path to your right, which is the northeast, and this, the path you're on, continues for just like 10 more feet, and then dead ends. Okay, so if we go to the path to our right, wouldn't that connect us to the original path that went straight up and down? Maybe, but there's more back in that direction over there that you didn't investigate. I say we go that path. Okay, do it.

So you kind of come out and go to the right to kind of try to finish investigating out to the northeast where you would have gone the other way, just so I'm clear? Yeah, so we see that if we keep going down the semicircle wall to the northwest, it's going to go dead end. I want to go down to the path to the right that we can't see where it takes us. You could either go left or right.

And then if you go right, that goes back over to the northeast where you all would have gone if you'd stayed on the original path. Oh, so it reconnects to that path. In theory. You don't know what's back over there, but it's in that same direction.

Okay. And then if we go to the right going south, then that's a dead end. Feel free at home to draw your own version of this map and tweet it at us at StinkyDragonPod and let us know if you have any idea where we are in the hedge maze right now. This looks like some sort of like rune. It kind of does. I could see that. Okay.

Okay, so we're currently here in this little path next to the main path. I don't know. Why are you calling that the main path, by the way? Because so far, this straight up and down has been the best thing that we've had. It's straight off to this little circle staircase thing, and then it kept going up, which means it's the longest stretch of path that we have.

- I'm gonna guess that whatever Gus is saying is that it's not the main path, it was just the path we were on and then it led off to these little offshoots. - Pepe Silvia. - Exactly. - It's not like one long streak of middle path that goes off on sides. - Correct. - Northeast path, let's go northeast path.

While we're walking, can I look at Kyborg's map and keep my eye out for anything that looks similarly shaped? What do you mean similarly shaped? You're saying it kind of looks like a room. Just keep an eye out for anything that looks similar. That makes sense. I want to compare notes after this. Yeah, this is going to be crazy. Preemptively, GumGum, make me an intelligence check. No, I'm sorry. Wisdom, wisdom, wisdom for that.

Dumb. Puts the dumb in wisdom. Am I right? Five. Okay, that's just for you to passively be keeping an eye out for anything that looks similar. I feel confident. So you take that right. There's a wrought iron gate across the way. I check it to see if it's open. It is unlocked.

Who'd have thought? Only took 81 episodes. You can finally defeat doors. This is a gate, not a door. Does anything happen when we touch the gate? Anybody get like really long pubes or anything like that?

The gate is unlocked and you look up and you can see on the other side of the gate is a gorgeous garden of flowers with gnomes that are gagged and tied up on the ground. They're looking at you with pleading eyes and mumbling, trying to get your attention. I take out an arrow and start trying to cut their ties within the arrowhead. Yeah. How many are there? There's three. What if these are bad?

I'll talk to one of them. Are they bound and gagged or just gagged? Both, bound and gagged. Okay, I will take off the gags first and ask them, like, what's going on here? Who are you guys? Okay, you all approach the gnomes and Kyborg kneels down to start trying to un-gag, de-gag, remove the gag from the gnomes. And the gnomes fade from existence and the flowers spit forth a cloud of spores. Everyone make a wisdom saving throw. What?

Oh, is this like a figment of our imagination or something? Maybe. Kyborg, what'd you do to those gnomes? 17. 12. 9. 9. Is this a frighten or poison by any chance? No.

All right. So just to recap, Kyborg got a 12, Mud got a 17, Gum Gum got a 9, and Bart got a 9? Yeah. I also have a question. I have a feature called Alert, or it's a feat rather. I can't be surprised while I'm conscious and other creatures don't gain advantage on attack rolls against you as a result of being unseen by you. Does that have any impact on this kind of thing? No. Okay. Surprise is like there's like people waiting behind a corner and they're going to shoot you or something like that.

It's not like these were hidden or unseen enemies. - Okay. - So Kaiborg, you drop everything you're holding because you wholeheartedly disagree with Gum-Gum and you need to convince him that bow and arrow is way superior to any melee type of weapon.

What? You cannot do anything. You have dropped everything. This is the most important thing in the world to you right now. You must convince Gum-Gum that ranged attacks are far superior to melee attacks. Is this a result of me failing? Could I do an indomitable or are we past that point? I want to hear your argument. You should have told me right away. All right, wait. So I drop my bow and arrow to then argue that bow and arrows are way better? Yeah, you need to use your hands to make this argument.

You have to talk with your hands. Tell me more, Kaiborg. You know in Billy Madison when he grabs that little kindergartner and says, Stay in school for as long as you can. I do that to Gum-Gum. I say, bows and arrows are the best weapons. Gum-Gum, on the other hand, you drop everything you're holding. It is now the most important thing in the world to you to convince Kaiborg that he is entirely wrong, that getting up in melee attacks are absolutely the best thing in the world. Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight. Can I change that based upon what Gum-Gum actually believes? No. No.

You're wrong, Kaiborg. Because you know what? A bow and arrow is just a melee close weapon that you shoot from far away. Bart, you're really paranoid. You feel like a hypochondriac, like all those spores got on you. As fast as you can, you need to consume every single healing supply and healing potion you have in your inventory. No! No! Mud?

It is the most important thing in the world to you to slap everything out of Bart's hands right now. Okay, I do that. I like mine. Bart's trying to like suckle at one of the potions. No. And Mutt's just like knocking them out. I'm using my big boy hands to knock them out. Is Gumbo just watching all of this? Yeah, Gumbo's very confused. Watch how much an arrow hurts up close. Do I actually consume any of my healing potions or does he manage to knock them out? I'll say you all are at an impasse now. I want to start throwing rocks at...

And Gungum's saying, "Range attack! Range attack! Range attack! Range attack!" Those aren't range attacks. They're just close-up attacks that you hit from far away.

- I really do. Is there anything to like dispel the magic? - I decide that the best way to keep Bart from consuming all of his potions is to grab him and pin his arms to the side of him and then lift him up so that he can't get to his potions anymore. - Throw him, ranged attack! - Yeah, let go of me, you big oaf.

After a couple of minutes of arguing and wrestling and trying to consume all of your healing items, these feelings that were compelling you seem to pass, and you all get the better of your wits back again. I just imagine we all pick up our things and kind of dust ourselves off, and we're just like, tell no one about this. And then I'm like, please take the arrow out of my chest.

So we're at another dead end now. There's another wrought iron gate leaving this area, or you can go back through the original wrought iron gate that you came in from. New gate, new gate, new gate. That's my favorite kind of, yeah, I was thinking new gate. New gate. New gate.

Pleasantries to all you palpable pals. Thank you for supporting us and spreading the word. Get all the latest noxious news at StinkyDragonPod, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, and you can join the affable and artistic StinkyDragon subreddit. Plus, if you post on social media using hashtag StinkyDragonPod, we might name an NPC in the show after you. Then other friends will be like, what? You're a gargantuan golden gargoyle that greedily guards his gathering of gold.

Dang, Gary, well done. I'm so jealous. By the way, here's the $20. You deserve it. You know, it might be like that. I'm not guaranteeing it, but it might. We recently dropped the third Stinky Dragons soundtrack, White Winter. You can listen to it on all your favorite music streaming platforms. It features 12 tracks of ethereal and tribalistic themes, plus the beloved pirate song Bartholomew the Bard. On top of that, we've included encounter music to use in your own D&D sessions with your friends. Some tracks are even 50 minutes long. Check it out wherever you stream music.

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Uh, yeah, you, uh, exit this other gate, which kind of goes off to the northwest and then curves back almost 180 degrees to the east, and then continues going back down south, and you almost end up all the way back off to the right to the west. You can see those steps you walked down earlier, and then straight ahead in front of you, you see a little alcove in the shrubbery.

We just did a figure eight. According to my maps... It pretty much is. It pretty much is. Mud heads to the alcove. In the alcove, on the floor of this little dead end, is a single copper coin. Should one of us pick it up? Nobody touch the bloody coin. Is it heads up or down? Art touches the coin. Can I look at the coin and go...

Show me the magic. Yes, to answer Kyborg's question real fast first, it is currently heads up. And yes, you do detect magic emanating from the coin. What kind? Luck magic. I think Bart already said that they wanted to pick it up, so. Oh, did you say that, Bart? I didn't hear you. Yeah, everyone said stuff at the same time. I understand it was. We're very excitable. Muffled up.

Divination magic and Bart, yeah, you pick up the coin and like a sensation comes over you when you touch the coin. You feel like the coin can offer you direction. Like a compass. However, you must flip the coin first. What does it need to land on? Do I know? You do not know. I flipped a coin.

All right. Do you flip it whenever you need to ask it what direction to go? You just flip it once and then that determines whether or not it will help you or not. That's up to you. Bart, I think that this is a logic question. So I think that we say something to it like land heads up if you're a copper coin. And if it does, then that's confirming yes. And if it doesn't, then if it's tails, then that's yes. All right. Before I flip the coin, I say, is my name Bart? And then I flip the coin. Okay.

Well, I will say, you know, like when you touched it, you got that sensation. It doesn't answer questions like that. It offers direction.

It doesn't answer like fact, true or false. It can offer you direction. Gum Gum's like, yes it is. Thanks, Gum Gum. Thank you for confirming. Yes. So should I just try to flip it? Flip it. Flip it. Flip it real good. Maybe it flies in the direction you need to go. I don't know. Roll me a D4, Bart. Evens or heads, odds or tails? It's a three. That's an odds. That's tail. From the stinky dragon. Hey. Tails. Tails.

Roll me a d6, please, Bart. Three. Once again, go ahead and roll me a constitution saving throw. I might need to re-roll that. It's a five. I'm going to use my inspiration die. All right. Mother... Eight.

All right. Is that your final answer? It tilted over from a 16 to a six, you moe. Yeah, I can't really do anything else. All right. You flip the coin and it lands tail side up and you have like a feeling of despair. You feel like you're going to the top of the roller coaster and your stomach kind of drops. You feel like a panic in the pit of your stomach and you see something fall on the ground in front of you. Could I go look at what it was? Yeah, you look at it and it's a piece of skin. Oh.

To everyone's horror around you, Bart's flesh appears to be decaying and just slopping off. Oh my god. Everyone sees this? I'm so embarrassed. This is like an entire body circumcision. Okay. It's all so hairy. Help, guys. Help me. I quickly, promptly start braiding the hair on that skin. Okay.

You guys are trying to just like keep it on me by like lifting up all the little pieces. Is it like, it's just my skin is falling off of me? Yeah, it's like decaying and just like falling, you know, in large chunks off. That is nasty. Is it causing damage? It doesn't seem to hurt you, Bart. Well, you know, now I'm even more nakey. Can I maybe like get some rope and try and keep it from falling off?

What? Like wrap around or like... You could, but it's like lots of little pieces. What if I flip the coin again? Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot to mention. As you saw the coin land on tails, it vanished. God damn it. Sorry, guys. Bad news. Lost the coin and I'm shedding. No, it's good enough. My game. Make another constitution saving throw, Bart.

Oh, yeah. You're not looking good. It looks disgusting. So as a recap, since we've diverged from that straight north path, is there any other paths that we have not investigated? Yes, there is. Like further south past this alcove, there's like another little twisty turn in the path over there. Or you can double back to where you saw the gnomes or you can go back down the steps to that grassy area. Twisty path. All right. And I pat...

Bart on his head and say, it'll be okay. It's okay, little leper. Some of Bart's hair comes off and is stuck between your fingers. Oh no. Bart, make another constitution saving throw. I swear I'm rerolling that because it was a one. Halflings can reroll the one there. My God, 11. Why does it not want to let me stop? On the bright side, Bart, it doesn't hurt. It's just really disgusting. Okay. So do y'all want to follow Mud to that other twisty windy path to the south? Yeah, I'm going to slug behind Mud.

I'm gonna follow behind Bart and pick up his pieces. Okay, that's really nice of you. Gum gum. We'll get you back together.

Yeah, you head to the south and there's kind of a windy path that turns to the east and continues south and to the west and south and west, then eventually back up to the north. And you see a little courtyard. What do we see? What's in the courtyard? You enter the courtyard and as you're walking and approaching the courtyard, the path behind you becomes blocked by a wall of thorns that grows.

In this courtyard, you see very familiar looking axes and arrows appear in the air all around you. And they all begin flying at you. Everyone make a dexterity saving throw. Lord. It looks like your weapons. Well, that's just a six. 15. 27. But I'm, I have no skin on my bones. So I don't know if that matters.

Could have been a dex saving throw for my skin shit. 18. Let me know if I failed that, I guess. All right, so 18 for Gum Gum, 15 for Kyborg, 27 for Bart, and 6 for Mud. Is that correct? Yeah. Kyborg, that's a failure. All right. I'm indomitable. I shall reroll. Dexterity, was it? Dexterity safe. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Fudge. 13. Was that a fail? Yes. Okay. So Bart and Gum-Gum, you successfully make the save. Mud and Kyborg, you do not. All of the weapons seem to fall out of the air and hit you and everything around you. If you fail the save, you take 43 points of damage. If you made the save, you take 21. Okay.

Give to the Chromatic Dragon weapons. Yeah, and as the weapons are hitting you, you realize it's all of your weapons. They've just been duplicated in like large numbers and they're just falling and flying through the air all at you and around you. Kydborg, I'm seeing your point.

I like how Wilhelm warned us about the Anarchs, but not about this maze that was going to rock our stuff. Yep. Wow. So we're in the courtyard, and that's all we're seeing is a bunch of these weapons flying around and attacking us? Yes, and then the path you walked in through got covered up by a wall of thorns. I'd like to equip my shield at this point. Okay. Is it...

also seem like it's a dead end beyond the weapons? Yes. Could Bart run to where the Wall of Thorns are and, like, taunt the weapons to come get him and then duck? Ooh, interesting. Yeah, why not? Yeah, you do that. Make a performance check to try to get their attention, I guess. Were you rolling that? Because it was a one. Bart, what do you say or do to perform? 32. I go...

Dagger, dagger, dagger. A bow and arrow, bow and arrow, bow and arrow. Gidgigidgigoo. Gidgigidgigoo. Yeah, like a cartoon, all the weapons kind of stop in midair and they turn and point at you, Bart, and they begin flying in your direction. Make a dexterity save to see if you're able to dodge out of the way. You can do it.

Believe in yourself, Bart. 68. Oh, you made it. Yeah, they shave up not only the Wall of Thorns, but other parts of the hedgerow around you and cut open a path.

A path back in the direction we came from? There's both the path in the direction you came from and also in the opposite direction. Are the weapons still flying, trying to attack? Yes, the air is thick with weapons. I break out. I just sprint to that path that they just cleared. Through the vines or through the patch? The opposite side. Yeah, that they just cut the path through. Okay. While they all run, I stay where I am and I start dancing. I'm like, come get me. I want to fight. I want to fight. I want to fight. Come, come. No! I like it.

But yeah, before they're able to recover, it's actually probably not necessary, Gum-Gum. You all are able to quickly escape through the new path before the weapons are able to recover and make another attack. That's some quick thinking, Bart. Yeah, that was great. Yeah, I liked it. You pass through that cutout area and you enter into a different small courtyard. And in this courtyard is a floating translucent red right hand.

Below the hand in the center of the courtyard, there's four colored tiles. Red, blue, green, and yellow. The hand turns and sticks out five fingers in your direction, and then it begins counting down. Four fingers, three fingers, two fingers, one, and then you hear, and then it points at Bart.

Hello? Bart summons his mage hand and has it also point back to the hand with one finger. The red hand wags like, no, and then it points at you again, Bart, and you hear... Bart takes out his lute and strums the same note. The red hand gives a thumbs up in Bart's direction. Oh...

It points at Kyborg. Oh, um, I take my bowstring from my bow and arrow and I also go, wing, at the same note. The finger wags at you, no, and punches you. Oh, you got to do both. Both, I think. Oh, oh, oh. You take 21 points of damage. Not having a good time. Oh, no. You hear, and now it points at Mud. Mud, the hum's back. The hand gives you a thumbs up.

And the hand points at Gum-Gum. Gum-Gum with his drum. And singing goes, bum, bum, bum. You get a thumbs up from the hand. And the hand points at Bart. Bart strums on his lute. Bum, bum, bum, bum. You get a thumbs up. And it points at Gum-Gum. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.

You get a thumbs up. Generous. And it points at Mud. Mud has figured out how to get the right sounds out of Gumbo if he, like, squeezes him in certain spots. So he gets them to go... You get a real big thumbs up from the hand.

And it points at Kyborg. I flinch and recoil. I'm like, ah! And then I bring out my bow and I say, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. You get a thumbs up. It gives you a little pat on the back. I like the idea of him going, bum, bum, bum. And it points at Bart. Brings out that loot again. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. You get a thumbs up.

And it points at Mud again. Thumbs up. And it points at Kyborg. And I flinch again. And then I go... It punches you. You gotta be close to death rolling. You take 30 points of damage. Oh.

coughing up blood. I'm 10%. Could I just hand Kyborg a potion of healing? Sure, why not? As you're handing the potion over to Kyborg, you hear... And it points at Gum-Gum.

Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Oh, yeah. The red hand goes around and starts patting everyone on the back. And it points through to the other side of the courtyard, continuing through the maze. Blaine, don't make a face like you got that right. You did not get it right. You've missed a whole note. I'm openly weeping. Yeah, you missed one. I'm openly weeping. Also, take your potion of healing, which is 2d4 plus 2. 2d4 plus 2. Thank you. I left the longest pause. You missed one. The last one was like, oh. Yeah.

Uh, yeah. The red hand begins like shoving you all through the, to leave its courtyard to continue on the maze. Can I high five it? Uh, yeah, it high fives you back. Nice. Can I also really quick do, uh, Oh my God. I don't think I've ever used this before, at least not in combat. It's a healing thing. I don't even know what it's called because I don't use it. Second wind once per short rest, you can use a bonus action to regain one D 10 plus 14 HP. Yeah. You used to use that. Didn't you? Uh,

I got too powerful, and then I got cocky, and then I got my butt kicked by a giant floating hand. Yeah, absolutely you can do that. What's 14 plus 8? 26. That's a level 1 fighter ability, dude. Listen, alright, I'm

I'm sorry. I'm not good at music. I'm good at many things, but not music. It knocked the goofy out of me. Okay, yeah. You all continue on the path, and on the other side of this courtyard is more steps going down, leading back to a grassy area, like you saw earlier. But they don't really appear to be any other branching areas. It's just all straight ahead, and it kind of curves to the left. Do I still not have any skin? Oh, make me a constitution save. I don't think I'm ever going to get my skin back. It's a seven. No, your skin is still not in a good condition, Barton.

No, you'll get it back. It's all in this sack. My epidermis. I wanted to see Gum-Gum hold up a sack that just says Bart's skin. I was like, ew. I'm just eye sockets and teeth. Sorry about the melanoma there, Bart. Can I use Mudd's Totem of Restoration and use it to cast Mudd's Healing Spirit, which calls forth a nature spirit to soothe the wounded? You can cause the spirit to restore 1d6 hit points to creatures that are at its vicinity.

They can do that once every, like, action. It lasts for about a minute. So last time we did this, you let me just do it for, like, we hung around for a minute and did it six times. Yeah, it should be ten times, but yeah. Should we roll a 10d6 or 6d6? Ten. Oh, yeah, ten. 10d6. All of us? Yeah, anybody within, he appears in a space that has five-foot cubic feet within range. Whenever you are a creature, you can see moves into the spirit's space. That's when you can proc it.

So everyone can do it. Bless you, my child. Thank you, thank you. And that's to heal? Yeah, 10d6 of healing. Oh, my God. I rolled five ones within that. The bag of skin, has it started reforming into a smaller bark at this point? No, it is not. It is just loose skin. Are you sure? It's not healing? No. No.

If everyone's done rolling, I'm going to read something. Yeah, I think so. I've healed. Thank you, Mud.

Like I said, this pathway doesn't really branch off or anything. It's a pretty straight shot. You walk down these couple steps into a grassy path that bends and zigzags for a bit. And as you reach the end or like further down on this path, Gum Gum, you go into a trance again and you have a brief vision, but everything appears to be hazy and muted for you.

Making me a wisdom check, GumGum. Three. You look down and see your own body through your own eyes, but it feels like you're somewhere else. You fall to your knees and look up to see your friends are all around you, but they're not moving. They're sprawled out of the ground on a bloodstained battlefield. And all you hear is someone laughing in the distance.

As this is going on, everyone's still walking. Gum-Gum's still walking, just he's having this vision as he's plodding through the path. And finally, as you all continue on this path, you reach a circular wooden floor hedged in on every side. As you step into the circle, the high hedges around you start shrinking in size, and the circle beneath you starts spinning faster and faster and faster. Everyone roll a dexterity saving throw. Gross. 17. 18. 6. Thanks, buddy.

All day. It's been rough. It's been rough. A good start and then rough, yeah. Yeah. It's a 14. Bart, also make me a constitution saving throw again. God!

- His skin is like... - My skin does not want to return. - Kyborg, you're able to keep your footing a bit. You brace yourself and hold onto the wooden circle. It makes you dizzy, but it doesn't do anything else. Everyone else is flung off of the circle into a random direction and takes... 10 points of bludgeoning damage.

Finally, the wooden circle stops spinning and begins to expand and branch out, growing taller and taller into a tree. A tree larger than any tower you've seen, and at the base of the trunk, hanging on a branch is a glowing wooden bullhorn. Where there were once hedgerows has now flattened into a shimmering meadow of stones and shrubs.

Roll initiative.

Oh man, those are Anarchs? Yes. I guess it could be anything. Glad I healed us. 19. Yes, thank you. Yeah, thank you. 25. 19. 15. Kyborg, I see me have higher dexterity than Mud.

Yeah, it's going to be higher. I'm also unequipping my shield from before because I have my longbow. Thank you for saying that. There's how many of them and where are they exactly? There's three of them total. They're all standing at the base of the tree. Two of them appear to be half human, half horse. The other is a humanoid bull. While Gus is doing math, can you guys remember what kind of damage seemed to be effective against them? I think it was... Ice? I think any of it was...

I think they just split once before you would smash them again. The order's gonna be Bart, you're up first, then one of them, then Kaiborg. Cool. Okay. I know that ice did damage at least, 'cause I did my ice attack, but I don't know if other stuff didn't work. And Bart, you're up. Well, first I'm gonna do bonus action and cast Mantle of Inspiration. Okay. And give everyone 11 temp HP.

And then you guys could also move if you wanted to. I'm going to just try to get distance from the three Anarchs. Anarchs. How far away are they from me? I'd say they're probably 10, 15 feet. Pretty close. Okay. I'll just kind of loop around and get in front of them. Okay. So I'm kind of like between them and everyone else. Okay. You get right up in front of them and everyone else is behind you. Everyone else is probably about 15 feet behind you.

How close are they together? They're maybe 10 feet apart from each. So it's like there's the centaur looking one on the left, 10 feet, the minotaur one in the middle, then 10 feet and another centaur looking one on the right. Could I cast... Oh, no, wait, I can't use it. Right. You reminded me last time. There's some of my like seventh level spells that I need things for in order to cast. Correct. Which I completely forgot about. Yeah. Yeah.

So if at any point you want to hit us with a ruby dust. Next time we're like in a big city, remind me, Barbara, or like in a big settlement, you might have that stuff. If there's a statuette of a dragon worth 500 gold pieces as well, it would be nice. You can also commission that if need be when we're somewhere. How big is the bullhorn? It's like two feet across, let's say. Do you think it's 10 pounds or more?

That's a good question. I'll say... Man, I would say it's like right around 10 pounds. So I'm not sure of what you're getting at. It would be close to 10 pounds. It could be just under or just over depending on what you need. Okay. Could I try to use my Mage Hand to go grab the horn? Yeah, I think it would probably work. Okay. So you cast Mage Hand?

Yes. What's the range on Mage Hand? Like 30 feet or something? It's 30 feet, yeah. Yeah, you cast Mage Hand and it appears to struggle a little bit, but it's able to begin lifting up that wooden bullhorn. Yay, Mage Hand. You've been working out. Okay, does anything happen when the Mage Hand picks it up? Like do the three Anarchs notice? It seems like they don't take notice because they're all looking at the party.

Okay, I guess I'll stay where I am to get the horn to me from the Mage Hand. Alright, yeah, so I guess you then have the Mage Hand come back towards you with the Bullhorn? Yes. Okay. He said he could use it to retrieve an item. Yeah, you can move the hand up to 30 feet each time you use it. So then you could cast it there, and then it would grab the Bullhorn and then move back to you. Yeah. So then, yeah, it would drop the Bullhorn off with you. Cool. So yeah, it drops it into your hands.

Yes, and I'm holding it. Okay. When the bullhorn drops into your hands, the creatures in front of you, it looks like panic overcomes their eyes when they see what you're holding. And out from them leap anarchs.

three different Anarchs, which scream and then run away. Like they leap from them as in like they were behind them or like leap from their like bodies. Right, leap out of their bodies. But those, the three creatures are still standing there alive in front of us. Yes, and the one in the center, the Minotaur looking one, like the humanoid bull kind of shakes his head a little bit and looks at you all and looks directly at you, Bart, and says, thank you, Bart. I appreciate the assistance. No problem.

buddy. He gives you a second puzzle look and says, are you okay? Make a constitution save. Are you talking about my skin? Do you know this minotaur? It rolled

It's 11. No, yeah, you're still not feeling good. The Minotaur looks over at you and says, I know all of you, Mud. Oh, yeah? Why? I am Brandohorn the Minotaurian. I have foreseen this moment. Brandohorn. Hi, Brandohorn. My name's Thomas. Oh, Kyborg. Always the jokester. Ah!

Ah, he's good. Or should I say, Kaidelius. Whoa! Whoa, you really do know everything about us. So, what did you foresee happening next? I know that you are here to take hold of the sacred relic that Bart now holds. Oh. The Horn of Wunik. Of Wunik? Wait a minute. It will take you anywhere in the world that you desire. That's what...

That's what Dr. Ahem was saying on the sending stone. He was saying woonique. Woonique. You just made Micah so happy that you recalled that.

Because my instinct was like to shoot the horn. I was just going to shoot the horn. So good job, Bart. So how does it work? Do we blow it and it takes us anywhere we want? Or like one person at a time? What's the rules of this guy? All you have to do is hold it in your hands and call out your desired location and it will summon the great unicorn to transport you there. Unicorn.

And the song that we play, does it go... We are farmers. I'm sorry. Care to share more why you foresaw this, why you know us? We haven't met you, have we? No, this is our first meeting, but I knew you all would come here. We all have waited patiently for this day.

And why were the fiery, uh, mean guys afraid of this horn? And why were they inside of you? The Anarchs are a meddlesome creatures. Uh-huh. They possess other creatures and enact chaos to break the order of things. Anarchy, some might say?

Do they not like music or just not like the horn? They know the horn will bring order. So does the horn have multiple purposes then? Like you say we could use it to get to any place we think of, but is it also able to like scare off creatures like the Anarchs? The Anarchs feel what it represents.

But if they have enough numbers, they may overcome that fear. Is this guy wearing a cloak or anything? No. Okay. Does he look like maybe a mysterious figure of any sort? Yeah, yeah. Can I put my cloak on him and just kind of step back and look at him? Maybe a certain light from a certain angle. Hmm.

No, he's very proud and holds himself tall for all to see. And what about you two? The centaurs. The other two people with him? These are my friends. We were waiting here to meet you all, but the Anarchs got the best of us first. Yeah. What is this tree? This is a sacred tree, the center of our land. That sounds like I was trying to make a centaur joke. Um...

This is the Wunik tree, the center of our Marl Meadow. This is what I first saw this day. Is this where the Taurians are, too? Yeah. Are you the Taurians? Precisely. We are the Taurians. Hey, do you know anything about Kana? Chantakana? Chantakana and mean dogs that bite me when I'm sleeping and I show up my wound? Hmm. Chantakana. Yeah, that's what I said.

Yes, Contra Khana is a long-forgotten dark form of magic that is powerful but rarely practiced these days. It acts in opposition to traditional magic, canceling incantations, or even nullifying the presence of magic. Have you met my dragon wife, Leemurr? And then I kissed the air. What's her name? Murr. Lin-Murr. Lin-Murr.

Lemur. This relationship is based off physical attraction. That's his pet name. That's his pet name. Yeah, yeah. Oh, the Lin-Manuel Lemur. You do that and Lin-Manuel's face appears. That kisses mom. And yeah, Brando horn furrows his brow and says, that is quite unsettling. That's my wife. That's my wife you're talking. That's my wife you're talking about. Now in a Borat voice. Yeah. There you go.

Inspiration die, please. Do you know of, uh, Garidor Ark? You know, he's like kind of a... I think he's a really maybe magic guy. Powerful orc? Garidor, yes, of course. Uh-huh. We Taureans have passed down stories of Garidor for generations. Oh, yeah? Legend says that long ago, Garidor Ard was blessed with a gift from Dia herself. The gift of Arcana, the blessing of magic.

Garidor did not keep this magic to himself, but rather spent years and years of his life teaching the people of Faiza. Those aren't the kind of stories I was hoping they'd tell. I'd be like, yeah, Garidor pooped his pants over in the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the... the

The wise-ard. I'm sorry. Wizard. What? Our people were also bequeathed another gift, the horn of Wunik, a horn crafted from this sacred tree that would grant us transportation to the wise-ard's home, Dynasty Island. My God. All right, how big and stupid is Gum-Gum's smile right now, knowing his dad is a magic-using wise-ard?

Also, why does Wysard sound like kind of a slur? Like he'd call a magic-using nerd? Oh, you Wysard. He was the Wysard. But after the fracture of Phaser, we lost contact with Garidor and never saw him again. Out of respect for the Wysard, we now guard this sacred horn and have waited ages for the true heroes destined to take hold of it.

You. Have you ever tried to use the horn of Wulik to find Garidor? No, it is not our place. The prophecy foretells it is up to the heroes to take hold of the horn. So what's the limit of the horn? Like, does it have unlimited use? Is it like once per day? Could I say like take us to Entropa's base and then we could like have an army with us? What are the limitations?

You can call out the destination of a place you desire to go, and the Woonicorn will take you there. It can take as many people that are touching the horn at the time of its summoning.

Okay, well, if we stack the right amount of people, we could have a whole little crew. Problem is, we don't know where Entropa's base is. What if we just sit in Entropa's house? We don't know where that is. It's like saying the North Pole. You just say Santa's house. But the North Pole is a location. That's a location. Can I try? Maybe we should discuss before we actually activate the horn.

And Bart kind of like holds it back away from Gum-Gum. She's being overcome and possessed by the power of the horn. Gum-Gum would take it and just be like, take me to Dairy Queen. I want ice cream.

Bart, make a constitution save. Please, for the love of... How much skin does the little quarterling have left? 14. Fail. Yeah, she failed it. You're still not feeling very good, Bart. Can I cast... Can I cast... Hold on. You look like one of the titans, you know? Can I cast Guardian of Nature and become a great tree where I have advantage on constitution saving throws? Uh...

Sure, you have guardian. Oh, there it is. Guardian of nature. I remember that. That doesn't also turn you into a tree man, right? Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah, I got barky skin. Yeah, go for it. Okay. So bark becomes very frustrated and turns into a tree. What bit of your flesh remains turns barky and leaves sprout from your hair. Go ahead and make another constitution saving throw with advantage. That's a 16. Okay.

Brando Horn chuckles. It says, classic Bart, am I right? 13, so 16 is my highest one. You're a tree now, so you can't tell, but you do feel a bit better. Can someone please make fan art of Bart in barky tree form with his teeth still full on display because his lips have fallen off? Just like, ah! It's

And my eyeballs. Yes. Can I take some grease from my sack of clumsy dust and try and stick some of Bart's skin back onto Bart's tree body? Sure. Why not? Here you go, Bart. You're looking better.

Bart, you smell like hell. You got barky skin and rotting flesh being attached to you. Don't make me leave you guys. I have the horn. So just to recap, we can use this horn to go to the home of Gerdor, correct? Or Entropa's base. I'm addressing the Minotaur.

Yes, of course. Dynasty Island. I also want to point out that we should probably go save Dr. Ahem. Who is where? Isn't he in Erbloom? Do we think? He was chasing Hugh Manor. Oh. Yeah. Remember we tried to get there in the Anarchs? We're like creating that wall, essentially. To get to Erbloom.

Yeah, so essentially we were not able to get there. Well, I mean, that's up to discussion. Do we prefer to try to save Dr. Ahem from Humana or do we first go to Dianasty Island? Dianasty. Maybe we should also rest if possible. Yeah, we should rest. Can I sleep here, Mr. Minotaur, Mr. Jacked Minotaur? Sleep here.

Under the shade of our sacred tree? This giant tree, yeah. Or in the tree, if there's more comfortable sleeping arrangements in there. Yeah, just keep that musical hand away from me. If aid is what you seek, please allow me to assist. And Brando Horn approaches each of you and touches you on the forehead. And you all feel the effects of a long rest. Magic food, wow. Whoa.

Magic food god. It feels so good. I also use the cloak of the secluded garden.

and check on my tree. Oh, it's growing real good. Has it got any fruit yet? Not yet, but you think that it's imminent. It's like soon, soon. Jesus, Jesus. Being in the presence of this great tree, did you get like tree envy? You were like hoping it'd be like this. It reminded me, it reminded me. All right, well, I'll put our hands on and say where we're going to go and I'm just going to trust you to go where you're supposed to go. I thought it was one person blowing it. Oh, is that what it is? Yeah. To clarify,

It's not a horn you play. It's like bull horns. Oh. Oh. I thought it was like one of those things where it's like, everyone to your battle station. You know, like. Yeah, yeah. But did it bark blowing it? No. Oh, it just grabbed it. Yeah. I think we should be real go-getters and just take in Troopa head on, you know?

No one else is laughing, but I cast polymorph and turned Kyborg into a fly. Thank you. Thank you. Buzz off. Do you hold him in your hand? Yeah. Do you want to go? Yep. Touch the horn. I touch the horn. I buzz under the horn. Brando Horn says, don't forget. Now you must call out your desired destination. We should all say it at once. Okay. On three.

One, two, three. Dianesti! Entropa's dead borders. The horn jolts from your hands and begins flying through the air. You hear the sound of a horse name, and beneath the horn, a glittering white horse with golden hair materializes, gallops around the meadow. It turns and charges straight for you, but then suddenly stops short of where you stand.

Brando Horn exclaims, Behold, the Woonicorn! When you are ready, climb atop the Woonicorn and we'll take you to your destination. I climb on. Art climbs on. It seems to, like, defy any logic, but as you climb on, it almost seems like the Woonicorn gets longer and everyone's able to ride on it all at the same time. Like a Rainicorn in Adventure Time. Oh, yeah. Or a really messed up looking dachshund. I'll get on.

And the horse whinnies and faster than you can blink, the runicorn takes off in blinding speed. And your surroundings whiz past you in a blur of vibrant colors and light. In a matter of seconds, the horse comes to a stop. And before any of you can blink, the horned horse whinnies hysterically and kicks high into the air.

All four of you fall to the ground in a clattering heat, and the Woonicorn takes off, vanishing into thin air. Do we still have the horn? No, you don't have the horn of Woonique anymore. Okay. Well... Yeah, one-time use. You all feel your heads still spinning from the lightning-fast ride, but slowly the world around you comes into focus. A pale figure with pointed ears approaches and leans down to you all. With gloved hands, they pick something off of the floor.

You rub your eyes and see an elf with blue spiked hair holding a long, thick, tear-shaped rock. Uh, how does that Saiyan go? Finders keepers, losers weepers! Brink hurls Boomba high into the air and launches a beam of crackling energy straight into it. Kaboom! The rock explodes into a shower of fragments crepering the ground all around you. His elven face twitches as he looks down at you, and behind thin-framed spectacles, you see his eyes are crimson red.

Brink takes a few steps back and his hands start to glow with crackling energy. Who dares approach the great and powerful Brink Tussler? I'm going to kill this guy. He broke?

Why would you do that? You guys said I was crazy. I told you all along that this dude was crap. He stinks. I think we all knew. Well, find out what's happening in the next episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. My God. Gum-Gum starts tearing up a little. I'm going to say that. Poor Gum-Gum. Gum-Gum's on the verge of tears. Guybor, Guybor, I can't wait to kill this guy. Oh, I can't wait. It's going to be so much fun. Maybe he's possessed. Good. Give me a legitimate excuse to commit murder.

Here's a quick shout out to folks that interacted with us on social media recently. Here's an NPC that was named after one in this episode, Brando Horn, the Minotaurian, named after user BigBrando1840. We also want to give a special thanks to some friends who provided voiceover for characters in this episode.

Speaking of Brown to Horn the Minotaurian, that was voiced by Rick Creos, Kurt Ritchie, Lynn Murr, the adult Moonstone Dragon, is Lindsay Washburn from Funhaus, and Brink Tussler, of course, voiced by Eric Bedore. Tune in next time for another gripping episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. ♪