C01 - Ep. 76 - Of Life & Breath - With Barted Breath
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This podcast is supported by FX's English Teacher, a new comedy from executive producers of What We Do in the Shadows and Baskets. English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job, while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

This is a Rooster Teeth production.

Good day to all you Tao. Glide on in to the Stinky Dragon, drink up our latest tram, the Glitz and Blitz. It's a mixture of burrowing bling bourbon, smoked maple malt, 24 karat gold juice, and topped with a twist of tarragon leaves. One mouthful of this elemental moonshine, you'll be melting down like your favorite metal. Previously, our adventurers traveled from province to province in search of the elders at Tatora.

First, they faced the fire in Ashiko and found Elder Estream. Next, they were stupefied in the Tsunam province while searching for Elder Shizu. Then they surveyed a darkened Sora province, scouting for Elder Wanabe. But in the end, with a stroke of drum luck, they were struck by monolithic lightning. Latch onto a libation and proceed with this pungent potboiler.

Gun to my head. I don't remember anything of what we've been doing. We were going to get the elders and then we're going to take them to the mountain. To summon...

A dragon? A good dragon. A good dragon. To fight the bad dragon. To fight the bad dragon. Because we got shot by that bad dragon. Bad dragon was in the shadow realm. With Inku, the bad person, who is from a Studio Ghibli movie. Ghibli or Ghibli? Ghibli. Oh, God. Ghibli. And then we'd gotten a drum and banged it. Correct. Concurrently with...

something else and i think there was lightning you saved a little boy's rabbit yeah old lady from the well yeah we don't know did we leave her are we still in town you know what's funny is i remember her like like you've now all just said everything we were doing i'm like i don't recall almost any of this but the old lady in the well i remember

Remember her. It's been a few weeks. Thanksgiving was it. We filmed this early November and now it's almost December. Yeah, pulling back the curtain for the listeners. I think it's been four weeks since we recorded an episode. Maybe three weeks. Maybe three. But yeah, that's why we're maybe a little hazy. Even though I'm sure there's many people listening to this episode right after the last episode.

Right, they're like, what are they talking about? I feel like I have to point that out because we get some people who do binge listen. Which is great. And I need them to know, like, why don't they remember this stuff? It's because it's not the same for us. We're all so old. But, like, it would...

align with the, we had an RTX episode that was released and then a Between the Tales and then like- Been working on puppet videos. That was that time period. The delayed version of us taking a break was like three. And Gus is huge on Thanksgiving so he wanted to take ample time off because he loves Thanksgiving and everything it represents. Oh, absolutely. No, no, no, no. Colonization! Manifest destiny. Jesus.

So where are we right now? As you blow into the instrument and beat the drum, thunder roars overhead louder and louder and crack! A flash of lightning strikes the drum and boom! The drum turns a shade of deep blue and transforms into a large sapphire monolith. The brilliant blue tower starts crackling with energy and before you can take another breath, ka-chow! Bolts of blue lightning surge from the spikes striking each of you in your chests.

Ow! It's a new gem. Ow. Hey, man. Who's it gonna go to? Is it gonna be Gum-Gum or Bart? It feels good. It's so tingly. It's gonna go to Bart. I want two. I want two. It's mine. It's mine. Well, who's powerful like Thanos who could actually handle the gems? Me! I have the Infinity Gauntlet. It's my... Oh, that's true. It's my hand. A feminine voice echoes in your head, one you've heard before. It would not be wise to hold one's breath awaiting Candace Corwin.

Ferocious fronts that filled with fear when faced with friends and foe. Silver tongues for silver chains while simply soft with swaying. It is clear that crystal shines most bright when swallowed songs are played.

Micah, when will you learn? We hate these puzzles. No, I love these puzzles. I just hate not typing fast enough to get all the words down. I only got Spotlit songs. I got Crystal songs. There were Silver Tongues and Silver Chains. Something about swaying. Start swaying, Kyborg. Kyborg does the wave.

Ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Do the wave. Do we recognize this? You said we recognize his voice. Is it Andi? Do we know who it was? Andi's the one that we met at. She's the tree lady that we met in with the walrus people. Everyone make up her wisdom check. I am the Eggman. Cuckoo Cachoo?

Wisdom check coming in. Oh, God. We're all so rusty. 19. I got a 17. 9. 6. I know who Andy is. Mud and Bart. You recognize the voice, but you can't seem to put a name to it. What are you eating? Those are really good. We're recording later than normal, so if I get hungry, I'm going to be a real cranky jerk later. Who was the deity that I met in my little dream? That was...

Oh, she was fun. You guys had a, what's it called? Banter. Repartee. You guys had, what's it called? Banter. What was that? Your dream. What dream were you talking about? When I went into, when I got my gem. Oh, oh, oh, right, right, right. Yeah, you went and that was the water spirit, Amphibolus.

Oh, that's right. Okay, what are we seeing right now? We're struck by lightning. We heard a voice. Oh, what are you seeing? That's great. I was going to ask what they see. You look around and you realize you're not in the same place you were before. You're no longer in that courtyard striking the drum and blowing on the musical instrument. You realize you're in an outdoor corridor in front of a large open gate that appears to lead into the corner of a courtyard. Is this like the ethereal plane or is this like a location that we're familiar with?

It's not a location you've been to before. But we're like physically there, not like dream state. Or can we not tell? Yeah. As far as you know.

I look at my feet. You've got feet! Okay. Hey, hey. Mud, show feet. When I look at the skybox, is it like a normal day or are we talking like purple, oozy, uh, we're in some sort of alternate dimension? Yeah, you look up and you see blue clouds reaching as far as the eye can see. Blue clouds, wow. I walk through the gate. Blue clouds. Okay, yeah. I'll follow. You walk through the gate and... Gum-Gum follows. Mud walks through the gate and Gum-Gum follows and...

Yeah, you're like in the out in an outdoor courtyard maybe like for a school or a monastery. Ooh. Are there any other humanoids or any creatures around? Do you walk in as well? Yes. Okay, Bart also walks in. So like I said, there's buildings surrounding the courtyard. They're all made out of stone. They've got tiled roof, tiled roofs, sorry.

And yeah, in this corner or in this part of the courtyard, you see like some wooden benches, some shrubbery, a picnic table, a gazebo, a small wooden archway, and like the corner of a fountain. There's a fountain in the center of the courtyard and like in the very center of the courtyard and you know, part of it comes into the corner you all are in. In the gazebo, you do see someone sitting under the gazebo, I should say. Is it possible that I recognize this as the orphanage?

that Gum Gum and I were at. Make a wisdom check. 15. It does not look familiar to you. You do not remember the orphanage looking like this. This is way too fancy. Kyborg also enters because I was outside. Can I approach the Mr. Belvita? Can I approach the gazebo? Mr. Belvita. You caught me right as I took a bite. Kyborg, you enter. And as soon as you enter, the gate slams shut and turns into solid stone.

I made a boo-boo. Music starts playing. What if you just stayed out there the whole time while we did the whole quest inside? You were supposed to hold the gate open. Sorry. Hodor. And a deafening chime rings out overhead. Everyone go ahead and make a charisma saving throw. Saving throw? Oh, no. Oh, goody.

Nat 20 for 22. 26. 15. 1. Is it really a 1? 3 minus 2. Mud is for some reason repulsed by Kyborg. Kyborg? Yeah. We're getting the ick from Kyborg. Guys, you ever have a crush on your mom?

And he pees himself a little bit. Kyborg, go ahead and take one level of exhaustion. You can add it to your character sheet under conditions. Really? Oh, wow. This is new. All right. I call out to the person in the gazebo and just say, Hello, my name is Mud. What's your name? You're still a little distance away. Not too far. Hello, my name is Mud. What's your name?

Toby! The figure sitting under the gazebo doesn't seem to acknowledge you. Can I go up to them? Yeah. Sit down? Yeah. The figure is sitting on a bench under the gazebo. Is it Keanu Reeves? Oh, he's sad. Sad Keanu Reeves on a bench. Can I pull out some snacks? I'm gum gum. You want some snacks? Yes.

Yeah, you do that. And as you're getting closer and as you sit down, you realize that it's a young emerald dragon wormling. He looks at you almost kind of startled and says, oh, hello, Gum Gum. I'm Rinesu. Rinesu. So what kind of creature was it? A wormling. A young emerald dragon wormling. Did you want snacks? I got crackers.

Elvita. For some reason, gum gum sounds creepy. Do you really have crackers? I don't know. He says, I love crackers. Okay. My uncle died choking on a cracker once.

You're like the energy vampire from what we do in the shadows. Look, I'm exhausted and I'm uncharismatic. I'm looking for a spell to make Kybert shut up. Yeah, can I show you the characters and be like, so what's this place that you live? Do you live here? He has a slightly puzzled look on his face and says, yeah, I like it here. What is it? What's here? He says, this is just where I spend my time. Can I approach? Yeah.

Hello. I don't know if you heard me earlier, but my name is Maud. We were playing a drum and found ourselves here now. Do you know where we are now? We were in another place and now we're here. Just curious if you have any insight.

Ooh, that sounds confusing. Yeah, it is. You know what else is confusing? What's that? Riddles. Do you like riddles? No. Bart runs over. I love riddles. You love riddles? As long as you say it to me really slowly. I'm really good at riddles. Bart just comes up with like an audio recorder. He's like, can you speak into this?

Yeah, can we add an audio recorder to Barth's inventory? I like to think since it's like in the D&D lore, it's like a little imp or something. A little parrot. Yeah, a little parrot. That's good. Say it to him loudly in the ear. He says, oh, this is going to be fun. You breathe out. I breathe in. You let go. I breathe out.

What am I? A balloon. Ooh, very good. I approach and I want to say, hey, it's Kyborg. And I approach with my left hand. And then I realize, and then I, when he reaches out with his left hand, I reach out with my right hand. And then I give up on that really quick. And then I go in for a really long hug. March.

shutters. He's not with us. Gum Gum thinks Kyborg's dancing and starts doing the same. Like, left arm, right arm. Do the Kyborg! Everybody's doing it. The Emerald Dragon Wormling is also not intending to dance along with you, but kind of dancing along because he's reaching his left arm out than right arm. Could Bart cast invisibility on Kyborg? No.

Oh my god. Mud conjures eight crows to swarms of crows to cover his... To just like lift you away and take you out of this awkward situation. Was that right? Balloon? Yes, very good. Bart high fives Kyborg. He looks at you, Bart, and says, your friend is very smart. I miss and slap you in the face. Your friend is very smart, not very... Likeable. Likeable, yeah. Not very charismatic, but... He grows on you, kind of like a fungus. Yeah.

Okay, I've got another one. I can see that you're very good at this, so I need to up the difficulty here. Eh, what if you didn't? Alive as you, but without breath. As cold in my life as in my death. Never a thirst, though I always drink. Dressed in a mail, but I never clink. What am I?

Dressed in a male? Is this a suit of armor? No. A statue? Oh, it's a... He's alive. It's a... It's like a... Can you say it again? Could you say it again? Why don't you think about it a little bit first? I don't remember it anymore. I don't know what to think about. Something about he's alive but doesn't breathe. He's as cold as he is dead when he's alive.

And is in mail, but doesn't clink. Did I miss anything? Yeah, that's pretty much the top level points. Are you metal? You tell me. Doesn't clink. It's something that's alive. But it's cold. But doesn't breathe. And it's cold. I mean, I asked Gumbo if he knows.

Alive but doesn't breathe. It's cold as you are and it doesn't clink. But it's got mail. It's got mail. Mail. A mailbox. Mail like is gender or mail is in like... That's what I'm wondering. Like post office? Could I roll for intelligence or wisdom to see if I could get a clue? Hmm.

You could say no. It's okay. No. Okay. Not yet. Maybe later, but I don't know. Maybe not. Something like a plant? That's what I think. A tree-ish type thing. It's cold, though. It'll be cold. Yeah. The Wyrmling seems to be smiling very happy that you all are... Is it snow? Struggling. Snow. He says, no. Oh, ice. Ice. Ice. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

Stop it. You're even more exhausted now. He says, is ice alive? I mean, it's water, which some might argue is... You're frosty the snowman. That's what you are. It's not snowman. It's a...

Do you think it's like cold-blooded creatures? Do you think that would count? Like a snake? It doesn't breathe. A lizard, a dragon. It doesn't. A lizard. It doesn't breathe. I love the build of excitement with Gum-Gum there. It doesn't breathe. You guys are suggesting. It doesn't breathe. It doesn't breathe. So then it's like a fish. Oh, look at your smart friend.

I put my hands together and I do the... Oh, metal scales. A fish. Hey! The Wyrmling seems a little frustrated. He furrows his brow a little bit. You're too good at this. Shouldn't you be happy about that? I like seeing people really use their brain and have to think about it. You're like me. No, I think you won't like gum gum.

This Wyrmling's one of those I'm actually guys, you can tell. He's got some very strong opinions about the Star Wars franchise. Everyone make a, let's say a perception check. 22. 10. 15. 7. Good thing you guys have me in Mudd today. I'm rolling bad. Yeah, Bart and Mudd really goats in this episode. I'm pulling my weight. I just want to point out a little more, and Bart and Mudd, you're the two who noticed this.

In addition to this gazebo and this bench where the wormling is, there's also, I don't know if I said all this earlier, there's also like a small wooden archway in the corner of the fountain. I know I did mention that. I just wanted to make sure I had covered all of that. Wooden benches, shrubbery, picnic table, gazebo, archway, and a corner of the fountain. And all this stuff is nearby him? He's sitting on a bench under the gazebo. So he's under the gazebo. We see a corner of the fountain, which means there's more fountain to be seen if we were to approach it.

Like, is this like shrouded in then like, kind of like a fog of war type thing? Like we're not able to see the other stuff? - Yeah, so I guess another thing that I should have re-emphasized there is that after you walk through and the gate closed, then, you know, like blue clouds kind of formed a wall, restricting you into this corner of the courtyard. - Smurf. - And so in this corner we see the bench, all this stuff. - Correct, and that's why you only see like a portion of the fountain. Like the fountain's in the center,

Divide it up into four. Has anything happened as we're answering these questions correctly? Make another perception check, Bart. Ooh, 14. Nothing that you can tell. Can I approach one of the blue clouds? Yeah. Yeah, I just want to walk through it. In which direction? Like, from where you are, you're like in the northwest corner of... Left. Well, so you're in the northwest corner, so you can either go east or south. Shoot. Just turn a direction. Northwest. South. East. East.

So the southeast corner would be where the fountain is. Because the fountain's in the center of the courtyard. You should probably go look at the fountain. I'm just going to go left, wherever that's going to be. So when you walk in from the northwest corner gate, to your left would be east. I go east. Okay. You walk off to the east, and like I said, there is that wall of blue cloud there. Do you try to walk through it?

Sure. I throw an arrow in. I just toss, like, a little arrow in. Just one of my arrows from my quill. You toss an arrow, and it bounces off the cloud and, like, pretty far goes back behind you. Uh, I think it's gonna shoot me back, but... Ha, what the heck? I touch the cloud with my hand. No, no, dive in. Yeah, I, uh, I, uh... Oh, God. I, uh,

Blue skidoo, we can too. You dive in, like head first, swan dive into the blue cloud. Almost like a cartoon, like Wile E. Coyote or something. You bounce back in the opposite direction, 10 feet away from the cloud and you take three points of damage. What damage is it going to take? So we only see sort of corner of the fountain. Could Bart go up to the fountain to look at it? Yeah. Before I address that real fast. The,

The dragon warmly sees you do that, kyborg. Uh-huh. And he begins laughing uncontrollably like a little kid. Hey, your riddles are easy. And says, oh, you're so silly. The only way to get through is to answer my riddles. I'm already answering two of them. Well, then why are you doing that, dum-dum? No, I'm dumb. He sees dum-dum.

I'm sorry, Bart. You said you wanted to go look at the fountain? Yes, please. Yeah, the fountain is like very finely crafted out of various metals and gemstones. It's not currently spraying any water, any liquid, I should say. The liquid in it does not appear to be water. It's shimmering from color to color. And it's just like inside. It's not actually spouting, you said? Correct. It's like, you know,

Like, you know how like fountains have like a big pool at the bottom and maybe like a spire in the middle where, you know, water or whatever liquid comes out. There's no liquid coming out of it. There's just liquid in the pool around the base. It's rainbow colored. It's shimmering. Yeah. Color to color. Could I reach in? Yes. Can I touch the water? The liquid. Can I touch the liquid? Might be an oil spill. Yeah. You reach into like the base of the fountain and touch the liquid. It

It seems almost kind of like slippery in your hands. It's not an oil slick. It's not oil, but you can tell it's definitely not water. Does it do anything to my skin? Does it smell any sort of way? Shell gas company's been here. BP. Make a perception check. 21. No, it's just kind of shimmering in Bart's hands, just like any other liquid. You know, it just kind of rolls down your hand and, you know, falls back into the fountain.

So, what's another riddle? Well, don't drink from that fountain. Anybody have a quarter? I give Bart a coin. What kind of coin? Silver. Whoa. Big spender. Bart tosses it in. You got it. First try. That's a hard word to say. Tosses. Tosses. Tosses. Saying tosses it. Try it. Tosses it. Okay.

We all have our troubles. He flips that coin right into the fountain and makes a little wish. Is Bart going to share his wish? No. Oh. He wants to die, Jim. Anything happen? Even wishes don't come true if you share them. It's true. You toss your silver into the fountain and it looks like it starts changing a color. It becomes like almost like yellowish orange and then

bursts into a flame. Oh, dear. And then it sinks into the liquid. But it had no effect on my skin. Hey, Kyborg, put your arm in there. I want to see what happens. It's just simply in the name of science. Hey, Kyborg, do not put your arm in here. Okay, I forgot to mention, when you all were transported, I keep forgetting, Duncan is with you. And Duncan also got transported as well. Where are you coming from? You turn around and there's just Duncan sitting there drinking a big cup of coffee. Hey, Duncan. Can I run and throw in, like,

Five silvers? Yeah. You run and throw it in. Literally burning money. Why? I don't know. Gum Gum would be excited at what happened. Guys, quit giving me all of your wealth. Gum Gum, you run up very excitedly for some reason and throw your five pieces of silver in. But this time, instead of igniting and turning yellowish orange, it looks like they're covered in frost and then they freeze over. It's shifting between different elements. Okay.

Looks like. Five wishes for me. What did you wish for, Gum-Gum? I'm not going to tell you. I kind of want to dip a weapon in to see if it'll give it powers, but I also don't want to burn a weapon. Like your arm. No. Should we go back and see if this guy has any more riddles? Yeah, I figured let's solve the riddles. You come back and he says, are you all done playing with the fountain? Yeah. Are you done with your stupid riddles? No.

Well, you are the one who asked him. I hate that. Give me more. He says, you're just wasting your time playing with that fountain. What does that fountain do? Like, what's so special about it? It's in the middle of the garden. I didn't think anything is a waste of time if you're having a good time. It's actually beautiful, Gum-Gum. Yeah. As we're talking to this guy, Bart's just going to face the fountain so he could watch it. Okay. You're almost like you're back to the Wyrmling and the party, but you're just facing the fountain. Yes. Arms crossed. Arms crossed. Okay. Okay.

Actually, no. He's making binoculars with his hands, but he's not holding binoculars. Just looking at it. The Wormling looks at Kyborg and says, okay, I have one for you. Shoot. Sorry, I'm exhausted. I eat, I live.

I breathe, I live. I drink, I die. What am I? Fire! Oh! That's good. Wow. Do I see anything happen? Make a perception check. All of us, or? No, just Bart. 24. No, nothing seems to happen. I'm pulled mud to the side. I'm like, hey, this guy's... These riddles are pretty amateur. We've had harder than this. Do you have any more riddles? I should have Kyborg away from me. Or more crackers. You gave him your crackers.

Why are you asking him for more crackers? How about we continue with these riddles and see what happens? So nothing happens with the fountain, but you did notice something else, Bart. Okay. You do notice that on top of the picnic table, there's gardening tools. Ooh. There's a rake, some shears, and a shovel. Do you want to go garden with us, Mr. Rainsu? Bart saw it. Bart saw it. Yeah, Rainsu is starting to look kind of upset.

He says, okay, fine. When I burst of anger, my tears scald the earth and my breath. Volcano. I was about to say the same thing. God, I wish the audience could see Gus's look. I wish. I mean, it doesn't. I've never seen this man more disappointed in my life. I'm so disappointed. The fact that there was also just a volcano.

Oh man. That's so funny. I also imagine Micah right now is facepalming as well. I don't know. Got all these riddles ready. At the very least, we're actually answering them as opposed to previous times where we've just been failing constantly. Yeah. Rhyne Sue stands up on the bench and says, okay, you think you're so smart? Yes.

And he lets out a deep breath. Everyone make an intelligence check. Oh. I'm sorry, intelligence saving throw. He might get me on this one. Oh, thank gosh. 19. 21. 16. Zero.

I can't believe you have a negative three on your intelligence. I have plus five. Wow, you are the smartest one. Only on saving throws. So someone has to attack me with intelligence. Yeah. They have to be viciously intelligent. They have to surprise me with their intelligence. They have to throw a book at you. So Gum Gum, you take 15 points of psychic damage.

I think it actually doubles because I think he's weak Everyone else takes half because everyone else made a good save seven. So we'll take seven Oh gum gum good. Ah, and then like falls backwards and like my head hurts. Did you do that? This guy's attacking us He says oh sometimes when I get angry things happen. Oh, that's uh, that's okay We've all worked through anger management before do you want to talk about it? Yeah, do you need a therapist? no

No, no, I need you guys to play by the rules. Okay. When I get angry sometimes weird things happen too and sometimes I can't control it but it's okay because even if bad things happen your friends will help you out. You got any friends? We can be your friends. What's he talking about? I'm talking about my rage. I never really know. I just nod and say yes. This is Ryan Sue asking. Your friends are a little weird. Yeah.

Okay, fine. What did we break the rules? You're answering my riddles. Oh. You're doing too good. Oh, do you want us to be wrong? Would that be more fun for you, angry man? Well, if you're wrong, then you spend more time here and we can play more riddles. Oh, he's lonely. He's alone. He has no friends. I say this audibly enough to him. Oh, no. Kidding. He's right behind you.

Okay, this is a good one. Okay. It speaks with a hard tongue. It cannot breathe, for it has no lung. What is it? A shoe? It's a whip. No, no. It has no tongue. Oh, it has no tongue. I thought it said hard tongue. Hard tongue. Oh, is it a bell? Man, he, uh...

Rainsu... Rainsu looks at you and says, you all are no fun. I'm sorry. I'm enjoying myself if that helps at all. He gets off the bench, stands on the ground under the gazebo, and very quickly burrows under the ground. Oh, don't be like that. Because he's a wormling. I send Gumbo after him. You send Gumbo after him? How fast does Gumbo burrow? He's a badger. Skeleton of a badger pops back out of the fire.

Couldn't he follow the hole? That's what I mean. It's almost like the ground swallows up Ryan Sue. Oh, he's like a baby Smarsh. I'm looking up.

How many times have I looked up a badger in D&D here? I have a tab open on my phone at all times. That's the badger page for D&D. Yeah. Gumbo begins digging underground very quickly behind Rhyne Sue. Does he find him? How do you communicate with Gumbo? With my ring of familiar bond. Like, I mean, how does that work is what I mean. Isn't it psychic? Yeah. Answer me that question. I'm just curious as to the mechanic of like... Gus is so tired of Gumbo. He's about to change the rules on how we work with Gumbo.

You can communicate with it telepathically. Ooh. My ring of familiar bond. Does it have a range on it? No. Okay. I guess he's not here anymore, so I can't ask him. So you said we saw the shovel, the rake, and you said a hoe? It was a rake, shears, and shovel. Shears. Okay. Do they look used? Yeah, sure. I have to think about that.

I will say after you send gumbo down, Rhinestu pops back out with gumbo right behind him and says, no, no, don't follow me. And then he burrows back down.

Chase me, chase me situation. I'm very familiar. I don't know what it is. I think it might be a don't follow me situation. Do I send Gumbo again or do we try to call out to him? I don't know. It's like I can't. This guy like wants company but doesn't want company. I feel like we got to get something out of him though. Do you want to go like investigate the gardening stuff? Yeah, probably. Okay. Why don't you lead the way? Okay. Bart's going to go look at the gardening stuff.

Okay. As you begin making your way over to the gardening stuff, Gumbo communicates with you, Mud, that he has burrowed under the blue clouds and is in the other corner of the courtyard. Oh, we could go underground to get around this place. We should probably get that shovel then. Yeah. I would say, Bart, if you want to take the shovel, I can take the shears because I'm sure those will come in handy later. I have a suggestion. I can make Gumbo get big.

If Gumbo gets big and burrows, could he burrow a hole for us to use to get to the next corridor? How big can you make him? That's part of the... I can enlarge him. I can use the enlarge spell, which makes him medium. Would medium be enough for us to crawl through? You all are medium-sized creatures. Well, then Gumbo is going to make us a little path.

Really quick, I want to give him a hug before he digs away, because, I mean, it's a giant badger. It's like a Totoro-type creature. How often do you get to hug a giant badger? Exactly. He mauls skyborg. Okay, so you enlarge Gumbo with the enlarge spell and have him begin burrowing a tunnel from here to the other side where he was before, off to the east. And you all follow him through? Yeah. I mean, I do. Could I grab the shovel? Sure. I'll grab the other two shears and the...

- The rake. - The rake. - Rake, yeah. - Okay, yeah, you all begin, you know, crawling through the tunnel. It's big enough for you all. It's not like huge, maybe for Bardic. - Yeah, it's definitely big enough for me. - You have to kind of crawl to get through there, but you're able to get through. Partway through the tunnel as you're crawling through, you realize that the gardening tools disappear from your hands.

Could I go back the way we came and see if they appeared back on that table? Yeah, they're back on the picnic table. Whoa. I guess maybe you can't take anything physically through the clouds. Noted. Although none of our stuff, though, is... Just those things. The things that exist in one corridor can't exist in another. I guess I'll go with Bart back.

Back to check and then is there anything around the picnic table like plants that look like they need cleaning up or any gardening? No, there was some shrubbery like I mentioned before, but I mean, it's not terribly disheveled or anything. It doesn't look like it has to be gardened. Complete this task. It has to be gardened. It wasn't. Yeah. It was disheveled. There's a plant somewhere.

Have you gardened your plants today? I can't keep things alive, so no. No. So we mudded the railings, ghosted the tunnel, and what do I see? Only mud has gone through? I go back in. I'll follow. I'll follow. Okay, so everyone has come through to the other corner, correct? Okay. You all pop out, and this courtyard looks very similar to the one you were just in. You know, more wooden benches, shrubbery, a picnic table.

An even bigger gazebo, the corner of a fountain, but this corner also has a large pile of skulls. That's less accommodating. Interesting decoration choice. Human skulls? Okay. Before I answer that, a deafening chime rings out overhead. Everyone make a charisma saving throw. So bad at this. 24. 8. That's a 1. That's a 1.

High five. We intentionally missed. I smacked Kyborg in the face. And then you miss and hit yourself in the balls. I hit myself in the balls. That's a low five. Hang in low. That's a low two. Gum gum, Kyborg, and mud. You all take one level of exhaustion. You're tired now, Kyborg. This is fun, guys. And I assume nothing happens to Bart. No, Bart's good.

And just for any, you know, listeners or anyone who is not familiar with exhaustion. Yeah, for those who are unfamiliar. Oh, you want to explain it? I was going to explain it, but you can if you want. Go ahead, go ahead. No, okay. I don't have the handbook in front of me. Should he have had disadvantage on ability checks? Yeah, that's one of the reasons I'm bringing it back. Well, he rolled a one, so I don't know how much more disadvantage he could get on that. Well, that's a saving throw, so a saving throw is different than an ability check. But if you have one level of exhaustion, you have disadvantage on ability checks.

Now your speed is halved too. If you have two levels of exhaustion, your speed is halved. Three levels of exhaustion, you have disadvantage on attacks and saving throws. Four levels of exhaustion, hit point maximum is halved.

Five levels of exhaustion, your speed is reduced to zero, and six levels of exhaustion is death. Okay, I just remembered something. Oh my god. And I understand, I understand if it's too late because I now know the repercussions of me failing that thing, but I have a thing called Indomitable where I can re-roll a saving throw that I fail. I must use the new roll. You can use this one time for long rest. Can I use that? Yeah, if you have one, you can re-do it right now. To avoid this potential second point of exhaustion. Yeah, buddy! Alright.

Read it. Read it. Read out loud for everybody. As a reminder, his first roll was a one. As a reminder. Zero.

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He rolled a 2 with his modifier of -2 and it came out to 0. There was a 90% chance he would have had a better roll.

It was only 5% you would roll worse. Dude. And you did it. Did you break the headphones? No, I didn't break the headphones. They're fine. And they only have that once per long rest, too. I like the idea of, like, Kyborg trying to spiffy himself up to make himself more charismatic. Like, he's got a piece of parsley between his teeth. I don't know. Like, he's just failing miserably. He's got something on his face. And he's like, hold on, hold on. And then he turns around, like, reshovels himself, tries again, and somehow makes himself look worse when he turns back around. Oh, my God. And he farts audibly. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

He's scrolling through his abilities, trying to see. Just deal with it. I have no luck. He's got nothing. He'll just take it. So if you want in the future, don't forget Bart has bardic inspiration that you could use before knowing the results. Oh, I could? Is Rinesu here? No, you do not see Rinesu here. Oh, and then to answer the earlier question that Bart had before the chime went off, it is...

is various kinds of skulls. - Anything else? - Various kinds of skulls, okay. - Yeah. So yeah, like I said, it's very similar. Wooden benches, shrubbery, picnic table, gazebo, the corner of the fountain, pile of skulls. And there is also a figure sitting on the bench under the gazebo. - And things are scaled up or it's just a larger gazebo? - It's just a larger gazebo. - Okay. - Is the person sitting on the bench, Rai Su? - No. This figure appears to be bigger than Rai Su was. Rai Su was pretty small.

I have bad charisma. You guys go ahead. Before we go over, can I toss another silver into the fountain of this side? Oh, yeah, you could. Before we do anything. Do you want to just peek in first? See what it looks like? Let him toss his money. Well, I mean, does it look the same? Yeah, it looks the same. Okay.

Uh, yeah, you toss, what, one silver? Yeah. You toss one silver in, and it seems to have, like, a green color to it that kind of sizzles a little bit. Acid. Yeah. Approach the figure. Hello, my name is Mud. Uh, do you like riddles? Uh, Ryan's who sent you. Hello, my name is Mud. Do you want to know how I got these scars? You begin walking up to the gazebo to approach the figure under there.

But before you can get too close, he says, no, no, no, don't get too close. Oh, why? What's wrong? He says, any creature who gets near to me will meet an awful fate. And he points at the pile of skulls. Oh, that's terribly sad. I'm sorry. Is that like your choice or is this some sort of curse that you carry? Or is he threatening? Yeah, are you threatening us right now? Are you threatening us? You're fronting up, bro? Oh, no, this is for your own good. So you're cursed. Rawr.

Wait, I can't get a read on this guy. I wasn't sold before, but the roar sold it. Okay. Yeah. Can I go investigate the skulls? Yeah. Oh, my handiwork. Yeah. I'm going to investigate these things. Are you proud of your murdering spree? Are these real? Make a... What do you think? Perception or investigation? I get advantage down investigation. Yeah. Make an investigation check. That was...

That was a 19, a 20. Beautiful. Hell yeah. Or a 10 or a seven. God, I don't know how to read numbers. That'd be a 20. Yeah. Yeah, they appear to be real skulls. Is the pile just, oops, all skulls? Or is there something underneath the pile? Can I move a little bit and see if it continues to be skulls? Or is it like...

You know. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Is there like. Something hidden underneath. Or like something making the pile look bigger. Yeah. Under it. Right. Yeah. I got other bones. It's just skulls. No, it's skulls all the way down. Could Barko grab one of the skulls and try to go back down the tunnel to the other side? Sure. Why not? You want to test, see if it disappears? Yeah. You grab one of the skulls. Yoink. And go back down through the.

passageway that Gumbo had made. Called a gunnel. When you're going back through, the blue cloud now extends all the way down through the tunnel. So we can't go back through. There is no going back. Oh, wow. Gabor grabs a skull and starts reciting Shakespeare. Go for it.

Oh, make a performance check. That was the- that's word for word. I know, I'm impressed. Bart hears it from within the tunnel and just starts applauding. Thank you. That was great.

Thank you. I'm throwing you my panties. Oh, I don't want them. Thank you. Uh, eight. Yeah. Uh, do you have an inspiration die? I sure don't. Yeah, you get an inspiration die. Nice. Um, you know what? I approach the figure. He stands up, you know, from the bench and, uh, you know, begins backing away. Uh, I warn you, don't get too close. It's for your own good.

What's gonna happen? Ask him what he's gonna do. Ask the skulls. What's gonna happen? I ask my skull. Like this. Yeah. Just puppeting it. He says, platform.

I keep walking towards him. This guy's all talk. I slowly keep walking towards him. He just burst into flames. I hope not. Watch out! He puts a hand out, and the floor becomes slippery with water under you. I cast Shape Water and turn it into ice. It's getting more slippery. Oh, no, I destroy the water. Sorry, I'll cast Destroy Water. I destroy it. Oh, he seems a little taken aback by that. I keep walking towards him. Nice.

Listen, not everyone's love language is words of affirmation or physical touch. Maybe he's an acts of service kind of guy. I'm calling this guy's bluff. This is how Mudd dies. Maybe. He seems to, like, kind of make a hiccup and a yellow wave of energy comes out in front of him. Make a constitution saving throw, Mudd. Don't stand, don't stand.

18. 18. All right. You feel like almost like a weakening inside your body mud as the wave of yellow washes over you and you take 12 points of damage. See, I warned you. Don't get too close. Could Bart approach, comes out of the tunnel, puts the skull back on the table and approach and goes, do you not want us close to you or is it just something you can't control? He says, I don't know. It just happens sometimes that people get hurt.

Can I keep walking towards him? Yeah, sure. We'll say at this point you get close. Maybe he needs one of Gum Gum's hugs. That's what I was going to try to give him a little hug if I got close enough. Mud can relate to this guy. He doesn't like people close to him. Yeah, you get close within... We'll say you get close within hugging range. Hug him. Your skin burns off your bones.

He kind of like the posture he was carrying, the bravado, I would say. Sure. Like the facade seems to break a little bit. Oh. And says, it's been so long since I've had a hug.

- Aw, that's real sad. - Gumbo gives him a hug too and he's big. - Can Gumgo hug both of them? - Sure, why not? - I go in for a hug. - Careful, don't everyone get too close. You're gonna get hurt. - It's okay. Sometimes it's worth it. - I go in for a hug, but I trip on the gazebo steps. - And eat floorboard. - Your head goes directly into his crotch. - You hear him say, "Oh, it's been so long since Dark Crestus had a hug." - What? - Dark Crestus. - Dark Christmas.

Dark Crest. What kind of creature is Dark Crest? It's like a young Topaz dragon. Oh, goodwill hunting him. Just be like, it's not your fault, son.

Yeah. Who do you think was in the middle of hunting? Yeah, but you meant, it's not your fault, son. I thought it was like a Sean Connery. Ask him his name. Oh, what's your name? Well, Darkcrest, of course. Darkcrest? Crest. Crest. Why are you here? Do you know? I can minimize hurting people if I stay here.

But are you not hurting yourself by staying alone? It's better that way. It's for the better of many. Do you happen to know...

any other creatures that live here? Like perhaps a wormling? Maybe somewhere else. I always stay right here. Okay, my question is to you guys. Gumbo was trying to follow where Rhyne Sue went and it brought us here. Correct. And Rhyne Sue's not here. Correct. And this guy didn't see Rhyne Sue. Correct. Is Rhyne Sue still underground? You did not see Rhyne Sue when you came through the passageway. Can I perceive if there are any like tools or anything like that in this area? Similar to the

guarding tools in the last area? Um, no. I think it's just the skulls, right? Correct. The skulls, everything else, you know, benches, shrubbery, picnic table. Can I try something? Oh, I'm sorry. There is something I forgot. Oh. On top of the picnic table here, there's a small stack of like little portrait drawings. Uh, Darkcrest, did you make those little portrait drawings over there? He looks at them and says, I prefer not to think about them. Are those the skulls? Yes.

You've drawn all the people you've killed? Yes. He does not look very happy about this. I go look at the little portrait drawings and I see like the kind of folks that he killed. Yeah, it's just like an assortment of different people. Like no, not like any one specific person.

class or race or anything. It's just all different kinds. How good is the art? How good is it? It's pretty crudely drawing. Okay. These look great. Dark Crest. Yeah, you're so talented. Make a deception check. Gum Gum thinks they are really good for the record. Wow. He doesn't have to actually deceive. Those are really good. 13. Oh, wait. Am I at disadvantage? Yeah. 8.

He goes, "Oh, you're just saying that." "No, I want to put one on my, uh, refrigerator. What's the fantasy refrigerator?" "Icebox." "A crest of your fireplace." "Yes." "Mental." "Well, I don't know if I want to put it down there."

How big is the mound of skulls? We'll say it's about five or six feet tall. Oh, big. Skulls? Could I cast Gust on the skull pile skulls? Sure. You create a small blast of air capable of moving... I guess it's not big enough for this. No more than five pounds. Yeah, it might dislodge a couple of skulls and move them around, but it's not going to get rid of the entire pile. Then, instead of that, Gumbo and I approach the skull pile and try to push it all aside to see if there might be something underneath it all. I thought we did that.

I checked to see if it was skulls all the way down. I want to see if the ground underneath the skulls perhaps is any sign of anything. Yeah. Make a perception check. I'm looking for a crystal skull. I'm trying to take it back. An investigation check because you're actively like looking here. I hope you never find a crystal skull. 17 or a 2. So 17. No, it's just like ground under there. You know, the grass is a little yellowed under there. Okay. From being under the skull. We have to go to all four quadrants basically. Sorry. All right. For that word.

To like essentially like meet each other. Yeah. Dark Crest asks, well, you've helped me feel better about what's happening here. You know, we're friends now, right? Yeah. Absolutely. Well, friends help each other, right? Like you help me and maybe I can help you. Yeah. Scratching backs, et cetera. From a distance, if you prefer. Kind of tries to reach. I scratch his back. Oh, okay. He was trying to figure out how to scratch his back. Does his leg start twitching? Oh, that's nice.

Well, maybe I can help you. It looks like you're trying to proceed, right? You're trying to move on to the next area? Yeah, I was trying to see the whole area. Yeah, something like that. He says, maybe I can try to use my breath to punch a hole through the cloud for you to move on to the next area. Sure. Does fire make holes in these clouds? His breath really wasn't fiery. It was kind of like a yellow wave. Yeah, like you just ate a meatball sub. Spicy, not fire, but spicy.

pungent, garlicky. Yeah, garlicky, yeah. He gets off the bench, moves over kind of by the blue cloud heading to the south, inhales and lets out a big breath. It punches a hole through the blue cloud. He said, oh, well, look at that. You could have done that any time. I give him a pat on the back. I hand him my toothbrush and then I walk through.

He says, "Oh, thank you. I'm gonna draw all of you." And he goes over to the bench and picks up some paper. Uh, maybe don't draw it. It seems like a bad omen, somewhat. I'm gonna do my best work ever. Thank you. Mudd walks through the hall. Bye-bye, Dark Crest. I'll never forget you. Mark follows Mudd. And follows. Okay. Who's that guy?

Kyborg, you follow as well? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I went through. Okay. A deafening chime rings out overhead. Everyone make a charisma saving throw. 23. And am I at disadvantage on this now? No, you're at disadvantage on ability checks. Can I do my bardic inspiration to add a d10 to everyone's rolls? Yeah, is it a d10? Oh, look at you. Wow, thank you. So it's a bonus action, a creature within 60 feet that can hear you. A creature? Yeah, a creature. Well, I'll give it to Kyborg.

kyborg and i'll do another one for mud oh you can cast it 18 so you can use it i have four per short rest yeah this is an unusual i just want to point out this is an unusual ability because this is one of the rare abilities you can add after you see the roll but before knowing the outcome lots of times i say you can't do that because you already rolled this is one where you can actually do it after the roll so it's like it's intended almost like when you see a bad roll to be like oh here let me

Help you out with that. Would she be able to do it to two different people? Yeah, could I do it twice in a row? If she burned two of it? It's supposed to be a bonus action. Yeah, that's what I'm asking. Which would be typically one a round. Okay. So I would say pick one. I'll give it to Kyborg. Sorry, guys. He's too down. All right. So then you can roll a d10 and add that Kyborg. Yeah, I rolled a nine and then I rolled a nine. Oh, I see. 18, right? I'm going to re-roll it. Inspirationing? Yeah, I'm inspirationing.

I'm a 23. Kyborg's an 18. And then Mud, I guess, is a 9. No. An 8. And GumGum's a 13. Okay. Everyone except for Bart takes a level of exhaustion. Even Kyborg? Even Kyborg. What? I just passed it. So what are you now? You're now... Three. Disadvantage on attack rolls and saving throws. We not.

You better start doing better, Kyborg. I rolled an 18. So I guess you need a 20 or higher. Maybe it's increasing in difficulty as we progress. Yeah. So this corner of the courtyard, again, looks similar. More wooden benches, shrubbery, and this time an even bigger gazebo than before. A corner of the fountain and the

Picnic table in this corner has a massive mound of gold on it. I go take a nap on the mound of gold. I'm so exhausted. And there's also a figure sitting on a bench under the gazebo. Does any sort of healing potions or spells cure exhaustion? I believe there are some you can undo exhaustion with. Okay. But other than that, it's a long rest. What about cure wounds?

I don't think... Cure Wounds is just hit points. Yeah, it has to call out status effects. Right. It has to specifically say it undoes exhaustion. Yeah, typically it's a long rest, but I believe there are some potions and some magic spells that can undo exhaustion, but it has to specifically say that it does exhaustion. Did we go and approach the figure? Yeah, Mud makes a big sigh. It just goes...

Hello, my name is Mud. Do you like riddles? Do you breed garlic bread? What's your deal? I'm good. On the bench is an adult moonstone dragon. She regards you and says, Well, hello. Pleasure to meet you.

And she, like, nods her head in your direction. And as she does so, you see that she has a blue key on a silver chain hanging around her neck. She speaking draconic? No, she's speaking common at this point. Y'all got this under control. I'm going to nap here. Have we seen any other keys? Like...

- Ever like this? - Not that you can recall, no. I don't know if I mentioned it, the pile of- - Gold. - Of treasure, I should call it a pile of treasure. It's actually not just gold, it's like a small mound of riches. Seems to be glowing with like blue lights twinkling. - Does it seem like we could approach her safely? - Yeah, she doesn't seem hostile to you. - What are you doing here? - I'm collecting. - Oh, what are you collecting, treasure? Is that your treasure? - I collect other people's treasures.

Oh. Oh, so you're a thief. No, heavens no. People like to trade things sometimes. Oh. Oh, trade. What you trade for? I like to acquire things that people value. Sorry, I'll clarify. What do you trade? That's open to discussion. And she gestures over to the treasure on the picnic table. Yeah, it's really pretty. Cyborg's snoring on it, by the way. The key around her neck, what is that? What's that for? It's very beautiful. Oh.

Thank you. This is a personal treasure of mine. Personal treasure? What does it open? That which is locked. Interesting. What would one have to do to take that off your hands? Or should I say neck? Oh, this? Hmm. I don't know. What does a young halfling like you value? Gum gum's life. Don't trade that. No, do it, do it. I could trade it for your friend. He seems very into this now.

She's eyeing up gum gum. My friend here is not for sale, madam. Or trade. Or trade. I mean, it depends how long you want it for. I'll be your friend. Forever? Yeah, I'm always friends forever. Unless you're mean. Your concept of forever is so cute. I don't know what that means. I'll give you a jar and jump and jab if you let us leave. Get the key. Get the key. Guy with the key. Leave with the key.

You're jumping, Jav? Yeah. I assume you're holding it out, like, up at her? Yeah, while laying down. I'm still, like, my arms are closed. So you're really laying on the treasure? Yes. Yeah, I'm exhausted. I'm level three exhausted. Oh, right. She looks at it and then, like, regards you, Kyborg. I'm sure you have something you value more than that. What about this instrument of illusions that I have? That's...

Fine. It's a wondrous item. It's no half-orc wizard. I don't think she's going to let us go until we sacrifice something. I mean, using the instrument of illusions, you could create your own half-orc wizard for yourself anytime you want. I can already create illusions anytime I want anyway. What do I need an instrument for? You want one of my favorite things? What are your favorite things, my pet?

Gross. Gum-Gum reluctantly pulls around and holds up his rat blanket cape. Oh, wow. That is actually pretty important. Whoa. Gum-Gum, are you sure about that? No. It's so important to him. Look at the tears in his eyes. It's my magic cape. What's magic about it? It just is magic. That's how magic works. Love in every scene. Yeah. It's made of rats.

Where did you get this again? I got it from whenever we were exploring the dinosaur area. No, the dinosaur area. And I found it. I think there's a campsite and I found it. And it was like, I think it was just a blanket. And I made it a cape. Right. As you're saying this, you know, Kyborg's talking to you. And you realize that Kyborg is also now glowing blue on top of the mound of treasure. I'm a smurf.

That's not good. I like to think that you're, like, sleep drunk. You're like, bro, I'm a smurf. I don't care why. I'm a dark elf now. Then Murr, you know, moves her head close in to the cloak and begins smelling it. Takes a big, like, inhale.

It smells good, doesn't it? That'll do. Place it on the pile. And now the key. Oh, tuck me in. Tuck me in. And what will everyone else be giving me? Oh, dang it. I thought it was one for one, lady. No, it's value for value. I have this longbow. It was my first longbow that I used in my adventuring. I'm not giving the longbow to Krystalyn. I'm going to give it to the longbow. I know, but the longbow of triumph. No, it's a different longbow. It's the other longbow. It's the longbow that I've had for the longest.

It's my longest bow. Oh, well, I just deserve that. Go ahead and put it on the pile. What? I just put it on top of myself. I'm still sleeping on this pile of treasure. You should just give it to me. I mean, that obviously was intended for me. If you say so. Can I have that key? He looks at you laying on the pile there with your bow and with Gum-Gum's blanket. Hmm.

Trade accepted. Okay, so she gives the key. Next. Everyone must give. All right, Bart. Sorry, I cut you off earlier. Go ahead. I don't know if I have anything that she's going to want. Gum gum. What if the thing that I'm offering you is a kiss from gum gum? You don't own that, though. I'll get it.

Well, I'll take that. Okay. What about a kiss from me? And he snaps his suspenders a-paggling. Oh, so that gives you advantage on what, like a persuasion check? Uh-huh. Go ahead and roll it. That is a 17 and a 18. 18.

That's intriguing, but let's sweeten the deal a little. All of your future kisses are mine. From now on, all of your kisses belong to Lynne Murr. What if I'm not physically near you, though? You can only give them to me. They are all mine to do with as I please.

That's a bridge too far, my lady. It seems so arbitrary, but also creepy as hell. Very creepy. That is a commitment. You're getting married right now, Bart. Apparently. Could I instead...

What about a song? A special song. I like how she wanted all of my kisses forever, but maybe a song instead. Give her rights to your song. I was saying you composed one. What if I wrote you, Lin-Man, a song? And you can collect all royalties from it. Personalized for you. You could record it and everything.

I find your music tiring. Aw, dang it. Make her sleep. No, don't do that. No, we still have the key. There are things I could cast on her, but I don't know if we want to do that. Yeah, I don't know if I want to cross that bridge. All right, all right, all right. What about my wand of magic detection? I think that could come pretty in handy for you. You use that every episode, pretty much. Every day. That's what we call our days. Episode. Hmm.

Hmm. It's important to you? Very. It's important to our team. It's very, very important to know when magic lies ahead. Keeps us safe. The wand and two kisses. You got it. Hershey or... Hands over the wand. I guess I remove it from my inventory. Yes. Fuck her up. Do I have to roll anything for the kisses? No, she extends her right cheek to you. And then she turns her head for the left cheek.

Jeez, that's not... For the audience, Micah is not putting any Foley right now. That's all real. That also tickled the inside of my leg. He puckered. European style. Lin-Manuel says... Magnificent. Magnifique.

And for the final one? She turns her attention to mud. What of your friend there? She looks at Gumbo. You can jump off a cliff right now. Over my dead body. They'll go so well with your friend. She looks at Kyborg.

It's hard to enjoy a badger when you're dead. Oh, you can find out very quickly if you like. Yeah, let's go. No, I have a proposal for my trade. Congratulations. Kiss exclusivity. How about I give you a piece of my soul? Oh my god.

Oh. She seems very intrigued. Go on. You get a piece of my soul. It's for you for forever. You get a part of it. That is for you to deal with as you wish. Hmm. That's an intriguing offer. What part of your soul? Let's call it a percentage. What percentage? 10% of my soul. That's a pretty good offer, lady. That's a lot. That's a pretty good offer. Your soul, you only got one of them. Hmm. How about...

30%. Oh my goodness. It's like a Shark Tank deal. 25. Deal. All right. Quarter of your soul. You got the quarter of my soul. She seems very, very happy about this, actually. Okay. I will trade you the key. And she lowers her head and the necklace slides off from around her neck and lands at your feet, Bart. Bart picks it up.

I'm done with you three. You can leave. Three. They think it's I'm the gift. No, no. The bow is the deal, not me. Silence, treasure. No. Stop it.

I picture this like Melisandre from Game of Thrones. A bit, a bit. He was not part of the deal agreed upon, if I recall correctly. Oh, he offered himself willingly. Look at him laying there on the treasure. I get off the treasure ship. No, no, no. Treasure stays on the picnic table. You said bow offer accepted. You get my special bow. No kyborgs. Bart.

Casts invisibility on Kyborg. Cyber Monday's over. You cast invisibility on Kyborg. Yes. And when you look around, pleased with yourself, Lin-Manuel is no longer there. Is Kyborg? You hear a disembodied voice say, Parlor tricks are so fun, aren't they? I don't like this lady. Yeah, this is creepy. Although I'm a little...

With the removal of the key, has there been any sign of anything like maybe in the blue clouds to put it in? No. Or anything with a lock nearby that we could see? You hear a disembodied voice say, Kyborg, you can give me all your kisses. Yes.

Hey, Lin-Myr, where do we use the bloody key? Oh, well, it sounds to me like the deal is being renegotiated. No, you said it was for something. What's it for? Is treasure staying or is treasure leaving? Lin-Myr, tell me about yourself. Maybe this will work out. You know, how does she look? Well, you can trade me something if you want your friend back.

What do you have in mind for this trade? Here you go. This is what a Moonstone dragon looks like. Oh, she's hot. Not really Catworks type. It's a dragon. I do speak Draconic, but, you know. Hmm. You could give me that. My ability to speak Draconic? No, it's one of my favorite languages. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

It's so grating when it comes from your mouth. Yeah. You don't want it. That's what's gonna be around you 24/7 if you keep them. I have something. Go on. Another 25% of your soul. I will give you something that's very important to me, that has been with me for a very long time. I will give you my ability to turn into a camel, the first animal I learned to turn into. Oh my god.

You don't see it. She's thinking about it, though. She pops back into form. You can once again see Lin-Mir. It's part of my history. I do enjoy history. You would know that, considering you have a quarter. Yeah. I'll counter your offer. How about a re-gift from the treasure? Pardon? How about he gives me a gift? I gift you a gift? Is that what's being offered? Explain what you mean.

I know your friend has been blessed with a gift. He could give it to me instead. What gift? What gift do you have? I don't know. Gift of the Chromatic Dragon? Absolutely not. Over my dead body. I will roll for initiative. You want to take on this dragon? With three levels of exhaustion. I don't have to be so fearsome looking. She begins transforming in front of your eyes into a very shapely elf. Ah!

How many kisses did you want? All of them. Ah.

What does that entail? So say like I leave here, right? Five years down the road, meet somebody, you know. Going for the first kiss. The night is going well. We touch hands while watching a projection. Hand. Hand. I only have the one hand. We touch hand. And then I go in for the kiss. Then what happens, Lin-Mir? It's mine. How does that, so then does it land on their face or do you suddenly appear and then you get the kiss? Yeah, like do you swoop in or? Yeah. I guess time will tell, won't it?

I feel like we're not leaving this place until you give this dragon kisses. Are you a blue elf? Because it's cool if you are. I'm into that.

It's difficult to place because she begins transforming seemingly randomly between every iteration of possible elves. I say you go for it, my dude. I mean, she's pretty hot, you know? I say go for it. You might not find somebody else. I mean, you're not wrong. Okay. Gum gum, guys, I'm going to leave for some kisses here. Well, no, I'm just like...

I don't think we're leaving without something from you. Yeah. I don't know if you want to give up love. It's just kisses. I'm not asking for his love. I'm just asking for his kisses. Kisses. Could also mean Hershey kisses.

Oh yeah, yeah, I do have like Hershey kisses in my inventory. Like doll hairs. Yeah, yeah, there you go. Don't- we're going to be here for forever if you don't play this game. What if we actually meet someone that Kyborg falls in love with? Then you deal with the consequences later. We're stuck in this blue cloud realm. It's gonna be a freeze up. And you lay down on the treasure and you have to deal with this. Take away my ability to fart. It's one of my most treasured abilities.

If you take that from me, I'm a fraction of the man I was before. How about your barrel rolls? Give the kisses. Kisses or barrel rolls? Kisses or barrel rolls? Barrel rolls are side to side, right? Yeah. She's saying it in the context that you use it. Guys, I don't know what to do. I mean, it's...

Here's the thing. This is all fantasy, right? It's not real. But, you know, anything else that you could possibly want? Is there anything else on the table that you're interested in? And this is just for her to tell us what the key does, right? Can it come from me? Or do you need Kyborg? Well, now I'm kind of invested in this deal. She looks at Kyborg. Well, okay, it depends. Kyborg, maybe you should stop flexing. Maybe that'll get her off your scent.

Oh, I see. I just imagined that. Are you going to be like, what form are you going to be in when you get my kisses? You'd be pretty, pretty, pretty lady? Yes.

Half my kisses? No. All the kisses. All? Yeah, sure. Take all my kisses. Splendid. And once again, where's the bloody key go to? I'm done with you four. For now. Not catwalk. For now. For now. She gestures off to the wall to the west. Simply walk that way. And that's where the key goes? It will open a path for you.

Okay, let's walk through the wall. Yeah, I leave before I get... Yeah, you begin walking towards the wall, and as you approach it, the blue cloud, like, widens up and opens a passageway for you all to pass through. What about the key? You still have the key. I do. It's the key, from a metagaming perspective, it's the key that creates the passageway that allows you to leave. So we don't have to physically unlock anything? Just having it does it? Correct. You can think of it as looking like a key. It's a fob!

I like how you probably didn't have to do that deal. We could have just tried to walk through and this would have been... I don't know. It might have resulted in combat with this very magically powerful creature. It is an incredibly powerful creature. I got the vibe. I didn't want my wand of magic to touch it. Be a hot shapeshifter. Guess I got a new wife. Do you want to test this out?

Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to kiss Gumbo? Oh, you can send him that photo if you want, Ben. I'll take that. It's a win-to-win. It's a win-to-win, boys. Put that with the... What's that beast called?

Oh, the Oryx? Oryx. Yeah, new fanfic right there. I pick up Gumbo and put it towards Kyber's face. Yeah, once you make it safely on the other side, I try to go in for a Gumbo kiss. What? You're trying to kiss Gumbo? Yeah. I want to test what happens. Yeah, let's see what happens. I miss my wife. Let's kick these tires. I miss Lin-Man. My wife. You go to kiss Gumbo, and as you get close and pucker your lips, Gumbo's face transforms into Lin-Man's, and she puckers out and steals the kiss very quickly. Oh, my God.

What's up, Lin-Man? Long time no see. You just kissed that animal on the mouth. Well, that was fast. Thank you. I'm just excited to see you. I'm very excited about our new partnership. I hope you bring this up like...

20 episodes from now. Kyberg's gonna want to kiss everything and then it's gonna be Lin-Burr. The weirdest telephone ever. I hope you get a recurring voice actress for Lin-Burr. No, we'll just fully a kiss sound. That's it. Alright, you all pass through the wall to the west and a deafening chime rings out overhead. Everyone make a charisma saving throw. Okay, before I do, I want to use my bolstering magic on myself.

Could I also like pat my butt as I walk through? Sure, why not? Okay. I rolled a 20. You wanna pat me? Nice. I can only do one. I have one more. It's only a D3, but I can give it to you. I have another bardic. I want more bardic inspiration. If you're comfortable, I'll give you my D3. Roll first, and then we'll see what happens. Okay, all right. It's not gonna be enough, because this thing's gonna be like the highest level. Oh, God. I rolled a 2, and then I'm at disadvantage. I rolled a 1. Wow. Forget it. Don't save it. Save it.

So I have a 15. I'll take it because if you have one, I could maybe get above 20. Could I give a bardic inspiration to Gum-Gum? Sure. So you roll a d10 to add to that. I'm at 13. At least I got a hot dragon wife before I died. 23. So just for clarity, can I get everyone to say what their final rolls are after everything? One. 23. 20. 13.

All right. Everyone go ahead and take one level of exhaustion. Even me with my 20? It was escalating. This is going to be inevitable. I'm so sorry. How do you do that? Under conditions on D&D Beyond, you should see exhaustion. I now have disadvantage on attack rolls and saving throws. Kyberg now has his hit point maximum halved. Good Lord. Does that mean that I take 53 points of damage? It's not that you take the damage.

It's your maximum hit points are halved. But to make that occur on his character sheet, he's going to damage. Oh, override max HP. Correct, yeah. I'm going to switch it to, what is that, 62? Yeah. So when you enable the exhaustion in D&D Beyond, it takes care of all the math and the behind-the-scenes stuff. Oh, uh-oh. Oh. Okay. So this corner of the courtyard looks different from the rest. Let me guess. Big, big gazebo. No. What? What?

There are wooden benches, shrubbery in the corner of a fountain, but there's also a wooden stage beneath a tall tree and a statue. Statue is where? On the stage? No, kind of off to the side of the stage. Statue is what? The statue's shimmering brilliantly. It looks to be made of crystal. It's a huge statue of a dragon. Does this dragon look familiar? Think about Lin-Manuel. I should call her.

No, it does not look familiar. Do you go try to kiss the statue? Are the benches in front of the stage like they would be an audience? The benches are off to the side, like along the western and southern portion of the shrubs. Well, Mud recognizes the stage and just looks at Bart. Yeah. I just associate you with stages. There's no chance that the dragon, the statue, is either...

Estream, Shizu, or Winabe. No. You do not believe you have seen whatever the statue is depicting in the past. Is there anything written on the statue or on the stage or anything? Make an investigation check. This will go well. Minus one.

Wow, some rules this episode are so bad. As Gum-Gum walks back towards the other area we were in, I- No, you don't notice anything out of the ordinary. It's a statue and a stage. Mud gets on the stage. You get up on the stage and you notice that when you're standing on it, there's like fallen leaves and some dull dragon scales on the stage. Bart sits in the audience. Well, there's- Oh, it's on the floor? Yeah. Okay.

Anything happen? Not that you can tell. And there's no creature around, is there? Make a perception check. I'm on a stage. I'm taking, I'm looking around too. And I have to take disadvantage, right? Yeah, because ability, yeah. Okay, well it's going to be an 11.

Mine is 14. No, you don't notice any creatures around. Is there any stuff on the picnic table thing? Benches. Benches. There is no picnic table here. Is there any props, any things, any gimmicky things? Gimmicky things? You know, like a pile of treasure. There will be cushions. A bunch of gardening crud. No, there's nothing that you can see.

Okay. Is the bench blue and glowing, haunted in any way? I can pull out Boomba and see if there's magic. No, the bench is not glowing or anything. All right, I lay on the bench. You want to resolve detect magic, or what is yours called? Yeah, it's basically detect magic. So you pull out Boomba, and you begin focusing.

I was waiting for it. I need to hear the gum gum channeling. It's like Marge. You actually do detect very strong transmutation magic. Where? Coming from the statue. I think that statue was transformed. Maybe it's a real dragon. Do we maybe have to free it? The statue begins moving. You notice that its eyes open and the wings flex out. Oh, it's one of those street performers.

And it looks at you all, sees you, and then begins blinking. Overhead, the day turns to night. And the courtyard here is filled with dancing lights, and the fountain explodes to life, spraying liquid everywhere. Everyone make a dexterity saving throw. That's disadvantage for me and Kyborg. And me. All right.

Are you on level two? I'm on three. Three, I mean. 18 for Bart. But I also have advantage on that, so that just evens out. Evens out. So 18 for Bart. 11. 18. Oh, seven. So seven for Mud. Disadvantage sucks. 11 for Kyborg, 18 for Gum Gum, and 18 for Bart. Correct. Okay. Some of the liquid lands on Kyborg and Mud.

from the fountain. And y'all take a little bit of damage from that. Hopefully it doesn't land on your arm. I'm just scrolling high. I touched it and nothing happened to me. When did you touch it? Oh, it was on your hand. You were lucky. Both of you take 17 points of damage.

That's not good for me. The liquid somehow at the same time feels like it's burning, it's freezing, and it's just like creating like electrical feelings all up and down you as it hits you. Guys, it's icy hot. Be careful. Can I cast Cure Wounds on Kyborg? Sure. Thank you. How bad are you? If we're looking at my overall quarter, last quarter full...

I will do it at the fifth level. Well, keep in mind my HP is halved, so I don't know how much. You're going to get 22 points of damage or healing. Yes. Oh, you hit damage. Cause wounds. Oh, no, you said the wrong word. Cause wounds.

Thank you. The dragon, like I said, regards you. Day turns to night, and he looks at you all and says, Oh, splendid visitors. It has been a long time. Hello, statue man. I'm Silas. What's your name? I'm Bart. I'm Gam Gam. Hello, my name is Mud. Kyborg. I roll off the bench, and then I roll under the bench in case there's another splash.

Is he also a dragon? Like, it's statue, but... Yes, it's Crystal's dragon. He's like a crystal dragon, correct. Silas. Yeah. It is a pleasure to meet you all. What brings you here? That's a good question. Are you here for a song? Are you here for a performance?

Always. We'll take one. Oh, it's been a long time. I've been asleep for what seems like ages, but I'm happy to sing a song and entertain all of you. Have you been put to sleep against your will or do you just, do you like this? Are you just kind of hibernating on your own?

Just kind of resting. When there's no one to share a song with, what's the point of being awake? Hey, there's nothing I like more than a song. Why don't you play us a ditty? What happened the last time you played a song for someone? Well, we all sing together. And then what happened then? They had a good time. And then they left? They're not here, so I guess so. Hey, do you have any, like, uh...

You know, like, Lin-Mirror, is there any, like, red flags I should be aware of? I just entered a long-term commitment with her. Oh, Lin-Mirror. Who can't I kiss now? What a weird question.

She's seeing other people, guys. Yeah. How about this? I cast Amphibolus Blessing and mold the earth to create little seats for us. Ooh. Silas looks impressed. That's a neat little spell. I think so, too. You create, like, I guess, seats, like, in front of the stage? Yeah. Okay. Splendid! He stretches a little bit, like, lets his neck out and, you know, turns it side to side. Then unfurls his wings and roars. Roar!

The brilliant light shoots out in all directions, illuminating the courtyard with dancing lights. They call me Silas, dragging a dance in Silas, hard romancing Silas, shimmering a thousand.

What's the line? A thousand lightning. Ah, yes. Shimmering a thousand lightning. My name is Silas Crystal Scaling. Silas presentilating. Silas singing from here to... From here to... Where am I singing from here to again? Lightning.

No, we use that one already. Is there any place lands that we've been to that ends with ing? Irbling? Irbling. Irbling. Yeah. Oh, I've never been there. I'll have to visit. Sounds great. You simply can't stop those claws of applause. Oh, the dropping of draconic jaws. You know when Silas comes to town, he's going to show you how to play.

Brown. Scars. Drown. He furrows his brow. You little Bart. It's a skill some of us need. Dance around. Dance around. Because he's silent, serpent of scanning, silent soul enchanting, silent voice that roars like... Enchanting. Ah, you can't rhyme enchanting with enchanting. Uh...

Oh, ranting. Chris is furiously Googling rhyming dictionaries. Decanting. Decanting. Chanting. Enchanting with chanting? That's a different word. That's weak. That's weak. With a voice that roars like chanting. Hmm. That voice that roars like...

Outstanding. Outstanding. Voice that roars like outstanding? Here, let's try it again. Because he's Silas, serpent of scatting. Silas, soul enchanting. Silas, a voice that roars like...

Everlasting. Everlasting? Yeah, you keep, it just roars forever. This is the riddle. This is the riddle. It's rhyme and we are failing. Roars like... It's on the tip of my tongue. What was it? Birds flapping. Birds flapping. Roars like...

Lion's mating. Oh! Ah! Lion's mating, that's it! Yeah! Let's bring it home, everybody! Okay. They call me Silas. Silas.

Okay, now that we know the words, let's all sing it together. All right. A one and a two and a one, two, three. They call me Silas Dragon Advancing, Silas Rock Brimacing, Silas Shimmering Thousand Lanes. Make a performance check. All of us? Bart, that was your line. Oh.

I'm still under the bench, by the way. I'm waiting for the oil spill thing to happen again. 14, right? 14. I don't know if I have to roll three times because I got the same one twice. Nah. 14. My name is Silas. Silas is my name. Silas is my name. Silas is my name. Silas is my name.

Whose line was that? That was Gum-Gum. I think it was Gum-Gum. I think it was a combination of both. I said Erbloom and then you went Erbling. Yeah, Gum-Gum, roll a performance check. This is a disadvantage. Yeah. Silas kind of furrows his nose a little bit. We can do better. We'll get it. Don't worry. We'll work on it. You simply can't stop those claws of a fly.

Dance around! Dance around! Make a performance check. Not frown. It's gonna be a six. It's our first run through Silas. Yeah, it'll be better on the day. We've had a long day. Yeah.

This might be the dumbest point of our campaign. Yeah, this is gold. Yeah, Mike is right. I said the exact same thing, Micah. All right, let's take it home. All we need is silence.

As searing beams of starlight shoot across the sky, a glittering array of sparks descend upon the courtyard like twinkling snowfall. With glistening tears in his eye, Silas turns to you all. That took my breath away. Me too. I make a rose and throw it to stage. Oh, beautiful.

Oh, thank God! Yay, wow! Can I lift exhaustion? I believe long rest does lift exhaustion. It does do that. Thanks, Rowlet. I think you have to just select it. Yeah.

In a flash, you all arrive back outside the Temple of Sora. Fading rays of sunlight are dipping behind the Tatoran horizon.

Boom! The brilliant blue monolith towering before you fades into a cloud and hovering in the air is a tear-shaped sapphire gemstone. It seems to be calling to you, Bart. Uh, Bart goes to reach up for it. It also kind of hovers over and floats towards you. And as you hold it in your hand, you don't notice any tear-shaped cavities appearing on your person like it did for Kyborg or Mud.

What? Instead, your musician's eye notices the shape of the gemstone is a perfect fit and size for something you've been missing all along. A pick? A plectrum. A guitar pick. You distrum your lute. The gemstone wraps around your thumb perfectly and you feel an influx of vitality fill your body from head to toe. But you feel a tingling sensation tickle the nape of your neck. The sky grows dim and darkness cascades across the temple. You all hear something you'd hope never to hear again. The cry of the Shadow Dragon.

Oh, I thought it was going to be Brink Tussler. Also another sound we don't want to hear. That's it for this episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Wow. All right, everybody. What a fun episode. One more round of Silas. His name is Silas.

We'll see you all next week. Please don't unsubscribe. We want to give a shout out to folks that interacted with us on social media recently. Here are some NPCs named after them in this episode. Ryan Su, the Emerald Dragon Wormling, named after at super underscore rhino. Dark Crest, the young Topaz dragon, named after user Julia Dark Crest. Hope I said that right. Lin Murr, the adult Moonstone dragon, named after at Chelsea Lin Murr.

Silas, the ancient crystal dragon named after user sit-stay. I also want to give a special thanks to some friends who provided voiceover for characters in this episode. The mysterious voice is BK from Achievement Hunter. Lin-Mir, the adult Moonstone dragon, is Lindsay Washburn from Funhaus. Also, a little bit of trivia, the voice of Goddess Andi. Come back next week for another episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon.