C01 - Ep. 72 - Of Life & Breath - Young at Bart
01:26:22 Share

This podcast is supported by FX's English Teacher, a new comedy from executive producers of What We Do in the Shadows and Baskets. English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job, while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

This is a Rooster Teeth production.

Bonjour to all you jackal-y, slither on in to the stinky dragon partaking our latest potable. There's a snake in my booze. It's a mixture of basilisky and bourbon, bite berry bitters topped with lunging lime liqueur. One sip of this serpentine sauce, you'll be slicker than a flying snake oil salesman. Previously, our adventurers met a lucid Lord Lomish, sprinkled salt across Swampland, and boated back to Boulderay.

But the entire town was draped in darkness and subjugated by shadowy assassins. Now it seems Inku, the queen of the Shadow Mane, has invited the Infinites to Tatora and teased to Bart that his parents are trapped in the Shadow Mane. Cobble a cocktail, let's fall back into this fragrant fable.

Inku sounds like a Ghibli villain. Like we're about to enter like a Ghibli type. Ghibli? Ghibli? Can it go both ways? I've heard it both ways. There's one that's right, though. I just don't know which one it is. I've been to the Ghibli museum. Ghibli. Just say that. Did you have a sign for Dijonese while you were there? That's a separate conversation for a separate time. But Dijonese does sound right. No, it does not. Dijonese.

Dijon Nays sounds so dumb. You just made that up. Okay, so we're good is what I'm gathering here. They both sound like names of a dog breed. They do. We pick up our story with Bart. Hello. But not where we last saw him. What? Flashback. Bart, roll a perception check. Okay. Perceiving.

with my eyes. It feels like you're snuggled up in a nice warm blanket. You open up your eyes and you see rays of sunshine cascading through a nearby window.

You notice your body is shorter and less dense than usual, and your surroundings don't look like boulder race. Less dense. You're in a long, colorful room lined with small beds. Is this the orphanage you grew up in? It's the orphanage. You spot several windows around the room offering an idyllic view of a wooded pasture outside, and you see a single door at the southern end of the room. Bart's about to sing The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow. Could I go towards that door? It's our nightlife. Tomorrow.

Yeah, you walk up to the door and it appears to be unlocked. And as you're approaching the door, you hear the sound of a baby crying and fussing. If you need sound effects for that, by the way, I could do a baby. Let's get some Foley. Oh, she's good. That's I hate it. There you go. We're so good at that. That's his ovaries have dried up. You hear that? And then I realized it's coming from me.

from me um where do i hear the baby coming from it's somewhere on the other side of the door you can't tell okay uh let's go through the door yeah you'll the door's unlocked it opens up it leads out into a hallway kick it gently you stub your toe you take a one point of damage no no no no you're done it's past damage yeah you open up the door and you're able to pinpoint the sound a lot more precisely it seems like the crying's coming from the next room over all right

There's also a closed door there. Okay. Could I just quickly perceive if there's anything in this room that would give me like context for what's going on? In the room that you are currently in? That's what you rolled the perception check for. That's where you saw the windows and the little beds and everything. Oh, let's keep following the crying.

Yeah. I assume you want to open this door? Yes, please. Okay. This door is also unlocked. It opens up to a long room filled with tree stump cribs. Oddly enough, they don't look like they're constructed. It looks like it's natural. Very cute. Every other crib seems to have a baby humanoid or creature sleeping soundly inside. And way at the far northern end of the room is where the crying is coming from. Let's go to the far northern end of the room. You get closer and you see that the crying seems to be coming from a crying baby half-orc.

with green skin and patchy black hair. It's horrifying. It's the ugliest thing you've ever seen in your whole life. He's wearing a pointed hat that doesn't fit his head, and he looks like he's distraught. Do I see if there is a name anywhere by the bed? No. Okay. Well, I have a theory.

obviously of who this is, but, um, let's find out. Let's find out. Um, sorry. You said he was crying, has a wearing hat. Yeah. It's like a pointed hat. That seems to be much too big for him. Okay. Can I pick him up? Uh,

Yeah, why not? Let's make a strength check. You are pretty small. Am I smaller than the baby? That's where Bart drops the baby and then explains a lot. 13? Yeah, he's very heavy for you, but you're able to pick him up. Make a perception check.

As you pick him up and, you know, you're struggling to hold him, it looks like he's looking past you at the ground. Oh, let me look down. What's on the ground? On the ground, you see a long, thick rock that he seems to be reaching towards. Boomba.

Let me pick it up and hand it to the little baby. Sure. What would the baby do here? Yeah, what would this mysterious baby do in this situation? Are you asking the group? I think someone in particular. Put the wand in his mouth. It's not a wand. The rock. Put the rock in his mouth. That's cute. What do you think about that, Bart? Uh...

I let it happen because Bart knows nothing about how to properly parent a baby. So he just goes, yeah, that seems appropriate. Well, he seems like the crying subsided once you gave him the rock and he now has it firmly in his mouth for some reason. I just, I pull it out for just a second to make sure it's not hurting his teeth. If he has teeth, I don't know. Oh no, he's still, his mouth is just has gum gums in it. Oh, perfect. Okay. Uh,

I kind of like gently pat him on the head and I go, good crying baby. Thank you for not crying anymore. Do you start crying again, Gum Gum? Maybe a cry of happiness. What does that sound like? You should soothe the baby. I thought he is being soothed. I shove the rock back in his mouth. Okay.

Yeah, you put the rock back in his mouth. And as you do that, you know, his hat slips down and you see a little slip of paper tucked into the brim. Let me take the paper out and see what's on it. Yeah, you pull the paper out and it says gum gum. Oh, gum gum. I feel like that's a fitting name because that's all you're going to have after sucking on this rock for the next couple of years. Going to need some braces, braces. Yeah. Make me actually make me a... Let's go on another perception check. 20...

You see nearby on one of the windowsills that there's a toy recorder that's been left out. It's similar to the one that you've been practicing with in your free time. All right, let's go investigate this thing. I put the, make sure the baby's in the crib, not about to fall out. Yeah, the cribs are very specifically molded so that they hold the baby very securely. Okay.

I wanna go check out this recorder. Yeah, it seems like it's a cheaply made recorder that's stamped out, probably made, you know, in large batches for use by children to learn how to play instruments. You don't know if you've ever used this particular one, you know that there's a bunch around the orphanage. But, you know, Gum-Gum looks like he's getting pretty sleepy. Do you think maybe, uh, do you want to play him a song or a lullaby or anything? Yeah, uh, what time of day is it? It's, uh, afternoon. Okay.

I guess babies do take naps. So, yeah, let me play him a little ditty on this recorder. I'll cross buns, I assume, because that's what every kid learns. Gum, gum, gum, gum. There goes the sun. Gum, gum.

Father sweet Gum-Gum. Never heard a baby snore. This is the first song that Bart's ever written and sung to someone else. It's a Bart original. Original. As you are singing the song and Gum-Gum begins creepily snoring for some reason, a small budding flower begins to slowly grow out of the crib. Its petals form the shape of a heart. Aww. Aww.

And Bart goes, wow, is that for me? Bart, you rub your eyes because you can't believe what you're seeing. And then you wake up. You see you're lying at the bottom bunk of your bed in your shared quarters with Gum-Gum at the Infinite Headquarters. What? Gum-Gum, I just remember the first time we met. Well, Gum-Gum's not in here at the moment. Never mind, I'm talking to myself again.

You do sit up in bed and see everything as it should be. The sectional, the big screen televisage, a mural of you as a prince, and Gum Gum's table of magical artifacts and maps. Oh, man, I forgot that we made this room. And, of course, the little performer area of the room, right? Yes. A little stage. Okay, excellent. Exactly as you left it. Yes. Because we haven't been back.

You all have been busy. So is this present day? Yeah, you think so. The memories start coming back to you. You remember encountering the Inku and the Shadrau just yesterday. You feel like it's the day after. Okay. In fact, all of you are waking up. It's morning. It's the day after. You all are in your respective rooms at Infinite Headquarters. Long rest. Except for Gum-Gum. No, not Gum-Gum. He's not there. Gum-Gum, you're outside.

I can't see anything. You woke up early. I woke up early? Yeah. So we're back at the headquarters. Yeah. I guess this place is not, like, shrouded in darkness? Well, didn't we take care of those guys at the end of the last one? No, we got captured. I think the darkness still exists, does it not? No, the darkness is now gone. You remember that after giving you their ultimatum, the Shadrach disappeared and the darkness disappeared with them. Actually, everyone go ahead and make a perception check.

You got it. Me too? Everyone. Yeah, yeah, sorry, everyone. I rolled a 15. 8. 21.

19. Okay. It's because Gum-Gum's outside. Gum-Gum, the reason you're outside is the source of what everyone else is hearing at this point. Everyone hears the sounds of like banging of hammers and wood and saws. And it sounds like construction is going on. It's what stirred you from your sleep, Gum-Gum. I heard bang bangs. Mud casts the dwarven stone of bread and casts darkness and goes back to back.

You have darkness? That bread thing that casts darkness in like an area.

And yeah, it's just an item I have. It also makes the smell of bread emanate wherever it is. Everyone smells fresh baked bread emanating from Mudd's room. Good, I just farted. I need something to mask it. Could I go looking for Gum-Gum? Sure. You open up the door to your quarters and there's, you know, remember there's that common room where all the quarters branch off of and that's where Gum-Gum is standing. So yeah, you'll find him pretty quick. Gum-Gum, I just had the craziest dream. I remember the first time we met. Yeah, what was it?

I don't remember. You probably don't remember because you were very small, but it was at the orphanage. Yeah. And I made sure you had your boomba so you could fall back asleep. That's nice. You still do that. And you still suck on it. Gum Gum has a boomba in his mouth when you come out. His teeth are just really ragged. Kyborg comes out and then he says, has anybody seen Doctor Ahem or any other Boulderians around? Boulder.

You all have not seen Dr. Ahem since the previous day. Since the previous day. Mm-hmm.

Mud gets up and goes towards the noise that he's hearing outside and investigates what's making all that noise. Mud's awake now. Because no one has addressed it and Mud's upset he's not sleeping, so he goes outside. A very cranky Mud shoves his way past you. What's all that racket? Who's hammering this early in the morning? In my swamp. That's about the same direction. Well, you make your way up to the ground. I think just yelling Scottishness now just sounds like Mike Myers. Yeah.

You make your way up to the ground floor and head outside to find Bolderay in shambles. You see Dr. Ahem and Meld are talking to each other right outside the headquarters. You see them both nod, and Dr. Ahem says, "Then it's settled. We'll get started right away." And he turns to Siwa. "Ah, perfect timing. Good morning, Infinites. As you can see, Hinku's assassins, the Shadrow, left us in quite the wake of destruction.

Fortunately, Mayor Brink is leading the charge in repairs with his construction company. What a good guy. Yeah, what a solid guy. Real friend to the Infinite. Stop that, stop that. He has a construction company and he's the mayor. He's profiting while still in office. We should hold him accountable for...

Impeach Brink Tussler! He got elected on the platform of building the Boulder Way. Remember the Boulder Way? I didn't realize I was voting for him. This was his big infrastructure improvement platform. The Boulder Way wanted this. I didn't know that he owned the construction company. He made it very clear in his campaign. Brink doesn't know this, but Kaibark actually has a head of cabbage in his room that he thinks will last longer than Brink Tussler. That's right. It's a British politics joke. Thank you for pointing it out. Meld chimes in.

Yes, we're very lucky no one was seriously injured. But I'm afraid there is more bad news. Just before you all arrived yesterday... Tell us the good news first!

I didn't say there wasn't any good news. Just make up good news right now. Go, go, go. The good news is that no one was seriously injured. Oh. All right, tell us the bad news, Doctor. Meld. The bad news is just before you all arrived yesterday, I received a report from Meld Beta back in Urbloom via the sending stone. Hugh Manor, my father...

has escaped from his prison cell. Did he not get eaten? I thought he was dead. Remember, there was a separate timeline with Mel. That's why she said she was talking to Mel's beta. What happened to the T-Rex? T-Rex was in a separate timeline. You're correct. Oh, no. They killed the T-Rex? They're extinct? Well, for many years now. Oh, no. Oh, no. But shockingly, my father, Hugh Maynard, has escaped from his prison cell. Evidently, he didn't break out, per se.

The guards just said he vanished into thin air. He brink out. Vanished? Dr. Ahem continues. Yes, yes. That's most distressing. Therefore, with the attack on the town, the looming threat of Enku, and Hugh Manor on the loose, I have called for assistance from friends across Phaser. And that's where you all come in. Are we not your friends? Of course we're friends, Bart. But we need help. Oh.

Oh. And that's why I have jobs for you. Wait, are there Infinites, but from, like, other areas? Like, other versions of Infinites? Well, there's the Evergards, but surely you don't want to call them. No. Are they good? No, we fought them. Oh.

So yeah, Dr. Ahem starts addressing each of you individually. Guy Borg? The most handsome of the group. Yes, go ahead. I need you to head to the southern gate and offer reception to a much needed friend and help Brink with some repairs around town. I'm a receptionist now? And I'm helping Brink? It's a very

special VIP whose help we need. I'm a bodyguard. So we're sending our most charismatic individual to go meet him. No, no, no. He's saying I'm a bodyguard. Is this right? No, you're a reception. You're receiving someone new. Tell me I'm a bodyguard and I'll do it. You are welcoming them to... And I won't second guess it. Oh, good God. Can you sing a Whitney Houston song for me? He did not get that reference at all. There's a blank look on Blaine's face. I think he's just trying to think of a Whitney Houston song. How about...

There it is. Mikey, you can keep that in. There's no way we'll get copyright on that. We'll deal with these one at a time. Sure, Kaipo. You're a bodyguard. Yes. Okay, cool. Cool. I accept.

And I noticed that Dr. Ahem rolls his eyes as he says that. All right. So I assume you rushed down to the southern gate to guard some bodies? I wanted to hear what everybody else is doing. The only way to do these is one at a time. Okay. Go do your job. Fine. Fine. I leave. I kick him on the butt. Yeah. You dodge it? Yes. Let's go.

Dexterity? Just roll a d20, add your proficiency and your strength modifier. Is this a saving throw that I'm making? Just a dexterity check. 18. I think mud gets you. Yeah, mud kicks your butt. Yep! With a little extra speed, courtesy of mud, you make your way down to the southern gate and find it closed in front of you. Oh, so we're just continuing on with me for a bit. I keep saying this! Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

Uh, slide of hand. Door. Slide of hand. No, no. I open the door. There you go. There you go. You open the gate. Yeah. Micah's head is on the table. I open the gate. You open the gate to find a gargantuan purple worm sitting, uh, outside the gate. How gargantuan is it? Smarsh! Yeah, you know, you recognize your old friend Smarsh, who says, uh, Smarsh, help! Yes, Smarsh, uh, we gotta protect someone. Uh,

We're bodyguards now. Maybe you're protecting Smarsh. Wait, are you? Do I protect you, Smarsh? I'm just going to point out, guys, he didn't hear a single thing you said about the job. Apparently not. Apparently not. All he heard was you said something and he yelled, do I get to be a bodyguard? And that's all that's gone through his little head. Who are you talking about?

Brink walks up to you and says, Oh, good. You found each other. Make yourself useful and help get some lumber for the boulder ray repairs. I'll do it, but it's only because I get to hang out with Smarsh and I want to bond with him, not because he told me to, BrinkTesla. Smarsh, help! Yeah! All right, that's the spirit. Okay, I mount Smarsh and then we go off to get wood. Yeah, how do you think, how would you and Smarsh best accomplish that, do you think?

Gathering lumber? Yeah. Is it already cut or do we need to do it ourselves? No, you gotta do it yourself. You gotta go out to the woods to the southwest and cut some trees down. Smarsh is like... Well, he's subterranean so I think he could just go beneath and cut the roots and then the trees would fall over. Yeah. And then he'll do that and then that's it. What are you gonna do to help? Then how are you gonna gather them up? Then we got a bunch of trees falling over?

Let me look at my skills. I have a... Yes? How are you whispering into his headphones? Makes it so they bind all together. Something about binding together is all I heard on that. It was like out of a cartoon, like that. Binding together. Pepsi. No.

Yeah, I like grasping arrow and I got a rope. I could like probably... I also got seeking arrow. You like shoot an arrow and like gather them up and let Smarsh pull them or something? Yeah, maybe I shoot... Okay, so I establish a zone in which we're going to take down the trees in said zone. First of all, I go around, I knock on each tree, right? I'm yelling, I'm making sure all the squirrels and all the birds are out.

And I want to make sure that Fred didn't get out and that Dr. M has been taking care of him. Yeah, yeah. Okay. That would have been established. They're in the stable. Once we make a bunch of hooting and hollering and clearing out all the little wildlifes, then I go and I check to make sure there's any bird's nests. And if there are, I, by hand, relocate them to other trees. Make a perception check. Okay.

Perception check. That is 18. Oh, yeah. I was hoping you rolled a one. I was going to tell you there were no birds in this forest. Um.

Yeah, you find plenty of birds nests and move them yourself manually. Does he perhaps find a bat that sounds like Robin Williams? No, there are no bats that sound like Robin Williams. Okay, just curious. While he's cutting down trees in this forest, just want to make sure. Don't get that reference. Anyways, once the wildlife is cleared, then I, with my old, you know, I was like a wood elf, right? So I wrap a rope. You were a wood elf. I was. I was raised in the woods. So I tie a knot and then I just get a ton of rope and...

And I basically like in the area that we're going to be cutting down, tie the trees together. That way when Smarsh drops them, they can all fall and stay together, grouped together. Nice.

And then I'm going to just kind of wrangle Smarsh to help me bundle them. Make an animal handling check to see if you're able to wrangle Smarsh successfully. Smarsh, I should have advantage on this, right? 17. Oh, yeah, it's no problem. Smarsh seems to grasp what you're doing and is very enthusiastic about it and helps. It seems like it would be a ton of work, but luckily with Smarsh's help, you make very quick work of it and get it all done. Smarsh does help. Yeah, Smarsh helps. Smarsh helps. Smarsh help. Smarsh help.

And then, and then I go around and I plant seeds where the trees once were. Where do you get the seeds from? The trees that I just downed. They have acorns and such, right? Yeah, I just dump all those in all the holes. I've played Minecraft. They drop seeds sometimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Look at you. Very true to form. A sustainable clearing of the forest here. He used to be a wood elf. What are you now? Castle elf. Oh. Sea elf. Sea elf.

He's describing elves like an indoor-outdoor pet. My house elf. I watch out for Santa. No one give him a sock. Okay, yeah. Make a nature check for me. Okay. Ooh. 17. Okay, yeah. You managed to successfully plant the seeds and do it all correctly. You are still in touch with your wood elf origins. You gather up all the wood and make sure that more than an equal amount of trees are replanted to replenish the forest. Yes.

And none of the animals are mad at you because you rolled very well. And I speak to them in their language and I go, they don't understand anything he's saying. Let me handle this. That's terribly offensive. Yeah. He's just swearing at them. He doesn't realize it. It's like that scene in Emperor's New Groove. Oh, yeah. All right. Do you head back to town with this?

I mean, is there anything else out there? Do I perceive any like, while I'm out there, I might as well bolster the defenses of the Infini HQ. I mean, do I see any like holes in the... I mean, yeah, there are, you know, plenty of holes. The town is messed up, but you know, there is active construction happening, trying to make all of these repairs. I make a mental note to, and then I want to relay this to Dr. Ahem later. That way we have all of our spaces sorted.

Sure. And then I head back with Smarsh. Yeah, you come back with your bountiful amount of lumber. And Brink seems very happy to see Smarsh and you. Oh, welcome back. Yeah, this will definitely help. Smarsh, I'm giving you a promotion. You are now Boulder Ray's town guard. You're going to be in charge of patrolling and protecting the borders of Boulder Ray. Smarsh, guard!

I give Smarsh a nice big pat. Well done. You deserved it. I know that Brink's hustle is trying to give me a rise out of me, but I'm so proud of you, bro. Smarsh, you grew up so big. Papers. What? He wants your papers. What does that mean? He's guarding. He's guarding. He's working as guard. He's the guard saying, papers, please. I hope he didn't bring any foreign fruit into this place. Have you touched livestock? Smarsh, what? Smarsh.

All right, yeah, excellent job. Smarsh begins his job as town guard very, very happily. I like the mental image of Smarsh somehow delicately holding a tiny little stamp in his mouth so that he can approve. While all this is going on at the same time. But will you please head to the northern gates and receive Captain Marge? She's here? Indeed. The Jebediah should be docked at the northern shores. Oh.

All right, I'm on the mission. And I head north. Okay, yeah, you head north to the northern gates, and yeah, you find Captain Marge there. Ah, Barty Boy! Uh, so formal, you usually call me Bucko Bart. Bucko Bart! Oh. Barty Boy's formal? Captain? I'm here to report we recently visited New Valros. It was under attack by ruthless creatures we've never seen before. Ah, we've seen them. Have you? Maybe. Maybe.

What did you see? We've been to New Balross before. Sure. Yeah, you actually met Captain March there. She's the one who gave you a ride back over to Bouldery. Are there new creatures attacking? Oh, yes. Oh, what kind of creatures? These creatures call themselves the Anarchs. They feel red and misty, constantly twisting and flailing about.

Must be hard to fight them. Oh, it is very. And we did our best. But every time we employed a new strategy, they changed tactics on us. What seemed to do the job if you did manage to take any of them down? What kind of... Oh, we didn't. Oh. Naive and goddess Andi has to lead the Valrosians and Ishpion into the ethereal plane. It's not a permanent solution, but it's keeping them safe for now. We barely escaped the shores before the entire city was decimated. That's when we received words of regrouping.

Mmm. Oh, you don't want to know. Ah!

They weren't red and misty, but they were yellow and blobby. Ew. Yeah, the amnusias. Ah, yes. You heard of those before? Never encountered them, but have heard of them. Probably have to ask you questions every now and then just to make sure you're not one of them. Don't take it personally. Oh, they can impersonate? Yeah. Just do a secret handshake, Bart. All right, here we go. A one and a two and a one, two, three. Up high, down low, in the middle, too slow.

Lift. Great. Jazz hands. Money shot. Don't leave me hanging. Eat my shorts. That's our secret signal. Yeah. Well, I'm glad you guys made it out of there, you know, mostly unscathed. Yeah, it was tough, but we did it. We're a hearty crew.

What are they doing here? What the heck happened? I thought we were winning. Seems like everyone's under attack and like everything that we've done is being undone. We don't have all the gems and there's still that, uh, the, the big bad guy and, uh, and Tropa. There you go. Yeah. We're in Tropa. Well, what are you, uh, what are you guys doing back here then? We answered the call from Dr. Raham to regroup here and figure out how to counterattack and get back to New Valros. I'm glad you're here. Glad to be part of the crew once again. Ah!

He salutes. What was your job on the ship again? I think I was the helmsman. All I remember is what I did. I don't remember. I was the rope doctor. I was the real doctor. That's right. Yeah, I think I was like. You were the helmsman. I think I was the helmsman. Yeah. You were steering and stuff. You work hard. You play hard. Yeah, I was the helmsman. She tosses you a silver piece. Hey. Thanks, mom. Money, please. Is Marge mom? I'm not.

I mean, I guess not technically. Okay, because the people that came and attacked said that your parents aren't Junko. But Marge isn't actually like a biological mama. I essentially like grew up on this pirate ship. Okay, that's what I thought. Pseudomom. It's my favorite Pokemon. Do you have anything else you want to ask Marge about or talk about?

How's the weather out there? How big of a crew are you coming with? Oh, we have a full complement. The Jebediah is packed and ready to go. Excellent. We need all the help we could get. All right. Well, I guess so.

Do I guess do I bring Captain Marge and the crew back? Yeah, you take Captain Marge back to see Dr. Hamm. Okay. Yeah. While Bart is off heading to the northern gates, the cyborg is heading to the southern gates. Mud, I need you to make your way to the bouldery brig.

which is formerly the Immerse Gateway. You need to find Sorto. He's been spending a lot of time there lately. You should talk to him about the Bramble Box. I think he will find it intriguing, maybe even hopeful.

God, what was the Bramble Box? The thing that you could build that would trap souls inside of it. It's what Sludge was trapped in until he got released. Maybe that's a version of what Sludge was in. Well, the Bramble Box... No, Bramble Box of the Briar Orb. The Briar Orb is what he was trapped in. Bramble Box is different. Do you want to remind them, John, if you have it in front of you? A wooden box made from briar wood with a needle-covered tree carved into it can only be opened by the Bramble Crack Bloodline. Buttline. The Bramble Crack Bloodline. Oh, so Clay can open it. Uh-oh, uh-oh.

Oh, it's got a white seed and a small scroll inside of it with instructions to plant and cultivate into a briarwood tree. And the seed will eventually sprout and grow direct under the moonlight. Oh, it drops. It drops the orbs. Yes. Okay. So I need, I need a plant. I want to plant the tree. So I go down to the brig and I bring gumbo. Mud and gumbo. You head over to the brig, which was, like I said, formerly the Immerse Gateway. And?

And the air doesn't feel moist like it once did. The circular room is filled with jail cells, each unique from the other. One is open with frigid air pouring out. You see Sordo inside. It looks like he's next to someone that's laying down. He's in a jail cell that's got cold air flowing out of it? Yeah, the door's open. Yeah, there's cold air flowing. And there's someone on the ground? I investigate who's on the ground.

It's his dwarven body. What? That's on ice. Is Archie? Yeah, it's the body of Archie. That's on ice in the cell. He's preserving it. And across in one of the other cells, you spy Paralite. And her cell is glowing with purple sangria night. Wait, like the real Paralite?

Gumbo starts growling. You all caught her and brought her back. I didn't realize she was right here. What is he allergic to? It's like holding Superman in a kryptonite prison. Oh, okay. Still like, here's your cancer cell, I guess. I don't know. He's a bad guy. The Geneva Convention might have something to say about it, but that's in a different plane. Yeah. What? Okay. I approach Sordo. He seems a little startled, like, oh, okay.

Oh, oh, hello, Mud. Uh, hey, Sorthro. Um... Sorthro? Sorthro. Um... Hey, Sorthro. Uh, have we quite figured out how to get you into your body yet? Not yet, but I've been sitting here trying to analyze all the possibilities, and I still haven't yet come up with a solution. Do you even recall how you got into the orb that you're in right now? I was placed here through magics by Entropa.

That's right. And Dr. Ahem has not figured out how to reverse that, I assume. Correct. That's a bummer. Yeah, I really miss my body. It's worse right there. Let's take a look. You already have an inspiration. I was going to give you one. That's really funny.

Sure.

Says John distrusting Gus. Yeah, I pull out the bramble box and open it up and show him the seed. Interesting. Perhaps we should try playing it together. I think we should. It's got a few specific instructions on who to plant it and I am not stalling at all while I find the instructions. I've got them in front of me. Step one, speak to the seed in its native tongue.

which I have. Whisper words of encouragement and nourishment. I go up to it and I go, you're the baddest bitch ever. But we bleep out what I said. Okay. And then I carefully plant the seed in loamy soil. Hey, Sarto, do you know what loamy soil is? It's like a rich, fertile soil. Yes, all right. Second question. Do you happen to know when the next full moon is, perhaps? Not for a while. It's definitely a couple weeks away.

Don't you have access to a demiplane where a full moon... I'm really appreciating how much you know my inventory more than me. Have I ever said that, Sorto? Yes, I in fact have the thing that I knew at the time was where I was going to plant it. Would you like to go, me too? Yes, I would love to go. We're going to my... What is it? Cloak of Secluded Garden. This is what happens when you give me too many items in one arc. All right, you all heard it. No more items for anyone. You ruined it for the whole class.

If you need a spare hand, Parallite's happy to help. Yeah. It's like the one kid in class being like, Teacher, you left the map up on the board during this geography test. One time when we were in third grade, the bell rang and our teacher wasn't there and there was no substitute. And I went to the office to tell them we didn't have a teacher. And everyone in the class tried to stop me. So if you're ever curious if I've ever been a stick in the mud my entire life, your answer's right there. I went to the office and I was like,

Um, excuse me, principal, we don't have a teacher. Excuse me. I remember... Um, actually... I got really good at asking questions at the end of class so that the teacher would get distracted and not assign homework. And, like, kids would be like, do the thing! And I'd be like, okay. Do the thing. Okay, yeah. So you open up your cloak, you activate it. Yes. Trying to find something that would be fun to, uh...

Okay, yeah. I was trying to figure out something. Because there's an instruction here that says I have to... There's a command that I have to have with it. And so I say my command. Ça c'est bon. I don't know what that is. It means that's good. Oh.

And yeah, so we go in there and we're in there. Okay. The space is not huge, about 50 by 50 feet, but it's comfortable. It's not like it's tight or anything. How do you set? So the light, the temperature, humidity, it's all altered by you. Like what, how do you want this environment to be? I want to mimic the bayou as much as possible. You know, humid, humid.

Humid. Humid, damp, muggy. Just ripe for greenery. It really does feel just like home. And the soil is magical. It seems very rich in minerals. Not like minerals you could mine, but like minerals that help plants grow. I look at Gumbo and I go, all right, dig.

and I make Gumbo make a little hole for the seed. Gumbo begins digging. He digs past multiple truffles, tossing them to the side. I take him and eat him. And yeah, you have a pretty good sized hole very quickly. All right. I plant the seed. Was there anything else I had to do? Let me look. Was there any more instructions? Carefully plant the seed in loamy soil under a full moon. I make sure it's a full moon in my thing. And I have to dampen the soil with a mixture of water and ground. Oh, coffee berries, basically. Arabica.

I don't know if I have. Hey, Soto, where do we hold out the coffee? I think you were given coffee. Yeah, you have coffee. I think you do. It was when we were stealing it from Pius Pass. Yeah, and don't you have like special coffee that's like a... No, I have the special salt, but I do have coffee. Yeah, you were given coffee. I remember that. Okay, then I do that. Oh, Soto, would you mind watching the tree for me? If you don't mind watching my body. Deal. Okay.

All right. Can I just bring the body in here? Well, that's not an ice though. Could I make a part of the place on ice? I think the... Does it have to be the whole place? I think it all has to be the entire thing. Yeah, it has to be the entire place. Okay. I'll watch the body. Okay. Come, come. Okay. Cast some dumb ice wizard spell. Okay. Yeah, you plant the seed. And as you're talking with Sordo, you know, you work all this out and you turn back and look at it and you see that a small sapling has already started to grow. Yay!

Oh, wow. That was rather quick, wasn't it? It's a bit quick. I wonder if it's supposed to be that quick. Yeah, it's like three times the speed of normal growth. It is? It will grow up to birds, trees, blossoms, leaves will appear, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It doesn't say that. I think you're talking about the dimension that you're in. Yeah, the dimension. Is that sort of his new body? Are we talking like Ant-Man quantum level? Yeah.

I was thinking more Dragon Ball Z, but... No, it doesn't say that. It doesn't say that? No. Dragon Ball Z. Yeah. All right. Where did I get that from? Oh, oh, oh. The soil in this space is magical and rich in minerals, which causes plants and trees to grow three times as fast. I knew there was a three times. Yeah, that's what it was. Did it say that in the description? I think I even said that. I just forgot. I had to send me the message. I remembered it. Or a piece of it, at least. Yeah. There it is. Sorry. I glossed over it. Also.

Also Dragon Ball Z. Yeah. Also Dragon Ball Z. Obviously. Dragon, Dragon Ball. My favorite D&D campaign. Okay. So you only leave Sordo in here, not Gumbo. You take Gumbo with you? Yeah, I take Gumbo. Okay. Yeah, you exit your personal space. You exit your secluded garden and you're back in the icy jail cell. I say, ça c'est bon, and bring the cloak back to my cell. Is Sordo trapped in there? Mud, as you speak your command word and the cloak turns back to normal, Sordo's spear shoots out of the cloak and hits the jail cell wall.

Well, I guess I can't stay in there after all. I'm just going to take a little nap here. From across the way, Paralyte asks. So, did you kill him? Shut up. No talking, prisoner. What's your problem? Well, you went in there with Sordo and came back by yourself. It's going to come as a surprise to you, I'm sure, but not all of us want to kill each other constantly. She just stares at you with deep black eyes. I stare back. Hmm.

She begins rubbing the disfigured half of her face. Ew. I giggle.

So what's going on in the world? Everything's fine. Everything's under control, and you've caused nothing. Sounds like a lot of construction out there. Yes, they're building up the city. Up? Hmm. Because it is doing so well, and the economy is in such a good place that business is booming. Make a deception. And I billow my cloak. Make a deception check. Billow your cloak. Quack, quack, quack, quack.

But it's a charisma check, right? Yeah, it is. So I get advantage because I build my cloak. Oh, you and your cloak of many colors. 11. 12. 12. She rolls a 19 on her insight. Dang. Yeah, that doesn't sound very likely. But then Gumbo rolls for deception. And he says, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's adorable. Well, don't forget, if you need any help with whatever's going on, I can clean up any messes you left. Um...

Mudd's read a lot of folklore books that are illustrated and knows that it never works out when you team up with the villain to do things. She says, that's why I didn't team up with you. I didn't say that. Oh, okay. That's my internal monologue. Shots fired. And Gumbo starts chuffing at her. Ooh, how does that sound? Gumbo. Yeah, I'm like pseudo holding him back and just letting him like that. Like, ah, ah, ah.

All right. Is there anything else you need to get done down here? I make a hand gesture that is only offensive to the Bramblecrack people. I won't describe it right now for our audience, but it's a hand gesture to show her how I feel when I leave. Incredibly offensive. Can you show it to us because we can see it? Yeah, yeah. No, we won't describe it. That's a secret for the Bramblecrack people. Whoa, I can't believe you did that. Wow. Both hands are getting used to it. Yikes. Whoa.

Hail and well met, Stinky Dragon patrons. Just a reminder to head over to at StinkyDragonPod on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok, where you can watch animatic videos, puppet videos, and other fun D&D content. Plus, the first two soundtracks of the show are now available on your favorite music streaming platforms, composed by Micah Reisinger, which include the character songs for Mud and Gum Gum. Also want to give a shout out to our Stinky Dragon subreddit and Discord community for all the work they've been doing on building a wiki page for the show. You can find it at

stinky dragon dot fandom dot com it's folks like these that post on social media using hashtag stinky dragon pod that we name NPCs in the show after them what kind of NPCs you might be asking well Lizard the gnoll witherlings named after at Eliz tat Melkins the gnoll witherling named after at Maddie the giant Talon the prick up named after at Talon Tardis Maddie the prick up named after at magical Madoka and Val the prick up named after at V Stymack

The holidays are right around the corner. One of the first things that comes to mind for me is holiday shopping. I'm sure it probably comes to mind for you too. Most of the time it's fun, but when it comes to shopping for folks like, you know, my parents, it's such a struggle to find a meaningful gift they'll actually love. And I mean, I mean, they're my parents. I'm sure you feel the same way, right? The least you can do is get them a nice gift. Well, our new sponsor, Aura Frames, has just about the perfect solution for holiday gift giving this year. If you're anything like me, you probably take about a million photos only to let them sit on your phone or get lost in your files.

With Aura Frames, you can put all your photos from the random camera roll pics to high-res wedding photos onto one beautiful frame. Named the best digital picture frame by Wirecutter, The Strategist and more, Aura is nothing like the digital frame from a decade ago. Every Aura Frame is thoughtfully designed to fit any decor style with stunning HD display, unlimited storage and super easy setup and no fees.

All you have to do is connect your Aura Frame to Wi-Fi, use the free Aura app to add endless pics and videos from anywhere in the world. The whole process just takes a couple of minutes. It was actually super fast to set up. Aura Frames make easy, meaningful holiday gifts, especially for hard to shop folks in your life. Give yourself the gift of time. Check off a few of those names on your list a little early. From now through Black Friday and Cyber Monday, our listeners get up to $50 off Aura's best-selling Carver Matte Frames. Just go

just go to auraframes.com/tails. That's A-U-R-A frames dot com slash tails. These are Aura's lowest prices ever, so get yours now before they sell out. Terms and conditions apply. Again, that's auraframes.com/tails.

All right. While all of that is going on, Gum-Gum, you're also assigned a task. Hi. Gum-Gum, I require assistance from you with something in my lab. We're trying to split an atom. I have these coloring books and they need to be filled. Do I need you at the mall? What?

We are meeting up with Meld, Atten, and Dant for a special assignment. Would you mind accompanying me to my lab now? Yes, sir. Okay, and I start walking up north. So, Gum-Gum, you and Dr. Ahem begin making your way to the lab. And when you enter the lab, in the center of the stone room is Meld and Atten and Dant, just like Dr. Ahem said.

and they're tinkering with none other than the valet. Remember valet, Dr. Ahem's automaton assistant that you all fought once when you were first doing your training? Hi. Who do you say hi to? I guess valet and the others. Hi, hi, hi, hi. Mildad and Dan all seem a little startled, but valet does not move. Dr. Ahem says, We've been working on a project to convert valet into something more useful.

An armored suit that will protect me and offer additional mobility. Cool. Oh, neater. Mecha, Doctor, ahem. But we need your help, Gum-Gum. Uh-huh. We need to secure a power source for the suit. Mmm, power.

Yes, Gum-Gum, power. Do you have any ideas for something that could continually power the suit? Continually power the suit. You have Iron Man's heart somewhere in there. Any spare arc reactors? Let me think. They have that, because she's in a cell down there with it. What kind of power does it, like, where does the power go? Does it, like, eat it? No, it just continually draws from it. Coloring book. Perfect.

Something that continually generates power that can be harnessed. Boom was just a rock. Don't tell Gum Gum that. Is Dr. Ahem involved in a doctorate shoe when he's like, get out. Kyborg falls over, dead. Struck down. He takes 120 points of hit damage. 121 HP. What do you got?

I don't know. I'm looking at what I got. He's on page 3 of 85 on his inventory. I can guide you. I was just curious to see what you came up with. If you came up with anything. I was looking. I think the only thing I have is one of my staffs. Javelin of Lightning, my Rainbringer staff, or my... Javelin of Lightning sounds like it could have some energy. It's only once per long rest.

Is that not okay to use right now? Well, they said they need something that continually provides power. Perhaps some broken arcane magic that you have recently acquired? I know what you're talking about, Gum-Gum doesn't. I don't know what you're talking about. Do you have any powerful stones on you? Do you want to be able to make flowers?

No, we need to make magical energies. Okay, I have a wand that can do that. I'm not gonna make this. I call it Boomba. Oh, Boomba. I'm not gonna make this easy on you guys.

No, no, not that. No? Too powerful? Yes, that's it. That would overload our suit. Oh, yeah. Here, why don't I have a look? Okay. Let me figure this out for you. Here I have some... Here's a pillow that I found in a cave. No, that powers you, Gum-Gum. Okay. Here's a whistle that doesn't work. Uh.

I don't know. Sorry. Here, let me just get rid of this staff that's broken. Wait, wait. What about that? That broken staff? That's magic staff. That's it. Perhaps we can harness this energy to power the suit. Okay. I was going to turn it into a magic staff, but okay. Okay. There's like an open slot in the suit for magic.

For clarification, this is Zeus' broken staff. Yeah, the broken staff. Dr. M hands the broken staff fragments over to Meld, Atten, and Dent. They quickly fuse the fragments together and place them inside a small cavity in the center of the suit.

Now, to turn it on for the first time, we need a jump start from a powerful wizard. I can jump. No, not an actual jump, Gum-Gum. We need a powerful burst of electricity courtesy of a powerful wizard. Okay, I can do that with my magic javelin of lightning. Oh. It's magic. Are you a powerful enough wizard to use that, Gum-Gum? Yes, I am. Lightning. Lightning.

Lightning. I want that to be a text tone. And then I try and light lightning it? Or is that ready? Yeah. The bolt of lightning strikes the suit and it begins whirring, lighting up. Eureka! We've done it! Yes! Excellent work, Gum-Gum. Here, as a token of my appreciation, let me give you this. He gives you a small vial and says...

This, my friend, is draconic decoction. Oh, my goodness. Don't worry, don't worry. It has been reverse engineered to transform the drinker into a dragon. Oh, it's the... What's the taboo? Tabooians. Yeah. The tabooian stuff, yeah. So, is there enough for all of them? Oh, no. I'm afraid there's only enough for one use. Can you make more? We can. It just takes a long time. Okay, how...

How do we go about that? We wait, Gum-Gum. Okay. Bye-bye. This is for you. Bye-bye. A fair warning, Gum-Gum. It's not a permanent transformation. It's a very limited window, so make sure the time is right when you want to use it. Hello. It's hard to say. It depends. Anywhere from 10 to 20 minutes. And it only works to my friends that...

The Booleans? No, it can work on you. Oh. It can work on anyone who drinks it. Yeah. We're working out the magics and reverse engineering it. I didn't even think about that, that a flying snake, if you add arms and legs, is just basically a dragon. Trogdor. Yeah. Trogdor, yeah. All right. Bye-bye.

I like to imagine GumGum says bye-bye then runs off. Okay, bye-bye. Like Naruto runs? Yeah. Nope, that was it. Bye-bye. He got valet started. And I jump out. Jump out of the lab? Well, I guess I'll run out the door and then jump. Don't jump out any windows again. Remember what happened last time. I jump start. Oh, gotcha. You jump start. Okay, it's fresh in your mind. I was like, yo, Captain Marge. All right, cool. Come down with me.

Yeah, you all reconvene at the town square. Tremendous work, everyone. Now, if you're all finished, we should head to the dock straight away. And is Dr. Ham wearing this mech suit now? They're working on getting him into it now. Like as you leave there, you know, still tinkering with it, getting final preparations done. Is he going to be able to walk when he wears this? I don't know. We'll find out. Dr. Ham is a robot now.

A lot of people don't know this, but Tales of the Stinky Dragon is actually just the origin story of Master Chief. So you guys head north as a high noon sun peeks through some clouds overhead. You pass the gates and Captain Marge leads you down a path toward the shoreline. As you near the water, you recognize Bart's old ship, the Jebediah, being restocked.

Y'all make your way aboard and notice the ship's complement is fuller than usual. You look around and see some familiar faces beyond the normal crew, such as Meld, Duncan, Besler, Dr. Ahem, who shows up suited up in his new armor. There you go. Is he walking? Yes. Dr. Ahem turns to Captain Marge and she gives him a nod. Are you going to add some, like,

I'm walking around. We got it. I'm just providing all the sound effects today for you. Walk up to Dr. Hone and say, what's the matter? Baldur has you pushing doody pencils. And then I take my robot arm and I clasp it onto his robot arm in like a high five kind of manly situation. And there's a close up of it. Dylan. Yeah. Yeah. You know, you know what I'm talking about. Yeah. He says, you son of a witch. Yeah.

Dr. Ahem clears his throat. If I could have everyone's attention. You're on brand. He feels very on brand. Yeah. Here is the plan. We set sail for the land of Tetera. Once there, the goal is to do everything we can to get the Infinites past the border.

We will most likely be met with resistance, as they only allow people with draconic blood inside. That's why Duncan and I are here. We were both born in Tetra, but...

Duncan has spent more time there than I. We will disguise the Infinites and Duncan will go with them as a cultural guide. Ooh. Once inside, the Infinites will search for Inku and put a stop to whatever she's doing in Tetra. We don't know if her claim about Bart's parents is true or not, so you will need to investigate that as well. We had hoped to take Soto with us, but no one seems to know where he is. Hmm.

See something? See something? Just whistling and twiddling my foot. While the five of you are in Tetera, the rest of us will be heading northward to Erblum to find and capture Hugh Manor. I believe it is no coincidence that he escaped prison at such a time as this, and he is too dangerous to be ignored. Both teams will stay in contact via Sending Stone and will regroup once our missions are complete.

Any questions? Question. Yes, Kyborg. Hey, Kyborg here. Who's watching Paralyte? The bouldery gods. The unnamed city guards. What about Smarsh? Yes, the bouldery gods are led by Smarsh. Okay. Next question before we leave. Can I say goodbye to Smarsh? Absolutely, Kyborg. Okay. All right. I leave the group really quick. All right. You run back up. Smarsh sees you approaching the town and says,

Who goes there? It's me, it's Kyborg, it's your best friend Smarsh! Let's do our secret handshake. Okay! He's a worm. Everyone's gonna have secret handshakes. Yeah. Uh, give him good pets. He can deal with his tongue. How about you just like chest bump him? Yeah, a chest bump him. Oh, okay. How much damage does Kyborg get by flying through there? Make a strength check. Alright.

13? Yeah, Smarsh is very solid, but you managed to land on your feet. You avoid getting knocked on your butt. You felt like you... Smarsh is so powerful, you almost got knocked all the way to Totora. That's cool. All right, catch you later. Be safe. Then Smarsh gets back to circling the town. That's awesome. Oh.

Are there any other questions? I think so, yeah. We're going to sneak in. We need dragons. No, we're going to be smuggled in by Duncan. Oh, I speak Draconic, so I'll be actually useful on this mission. Oh, that's true. Sweet.

Sweet. We'll see if we can make the checks. Besler chimes up and says, In the meantime, you four need to follow me. And Besler starts making his way down to the lower deck of the ship. Besler, buddy. We follow. Good old buddy, buddy. He's not in disguise? No. Oh, okay. Wow. He's become more comfortable around us. Good. I cast Polymorph and make him look like something else.

Who's this? GumGum hasn't seen him since in non-disguise since episode one. I am GumGum. What's your name? It's me, Bezler. We met. Oh, hi. I helped you fix your wagon when your wheel fell off. Bard stole my tool. Yeah, but I gave it back. It'd be really cool to see that in puppets. To see that story in puppets' form. Yeah, just a little shout out. We did that clip

as a puppet version. So we released that on at StinkyDragonPod on all of our social channels. What a plug. Someone actually sent a pretty good suggestion via Twitter for another one. And so I'm saying we're open to suggestions for other spots in the story or audio clips that you think would be good for puppets. Anything you want us to recreate in Puppet

Yeah, I think good like one minute kind of clips or that could be cut down to like a tight one minute If you don't give us good suggestions, we'll just puppet this very clip that we're Almost like I had Bart and Marge do a handshake All right, so you all follow Bessler, yeah, okay Yeah, you all follow Bessler down to the cargo hold and he stops at a large crate and opens it up. Oh

No pretense this time. I've had a change in heart or whatever. He looks down at his feet. You have a heart? Anyway, I'm retiring from my less than legal practices and now walking the path of the straight and narrow. Cool. So I brought my last stash of supplies and I can upgrade your gear again.

Who wants to go first? Do we have any... Has Doctor and him given us any, like, pay in a bit? It's been a while since we've gotten pay. Oh, this is all on the house. Oh, dang! Oh, my goodness. We must go to the roof. Mud opens up his garden and just shoves everything into the garden.

It's not quite like that. This is upgrades for some of your items. Yeah. All right. Who has to go first? Mud's going first. And he's definitely the first person we said who should go first. So Mud, you have the options to upgrade your shield to a shield of Fortifana. Yeah. Your signet ring can be upgraded to a ring of familiar bond, or you can also upgrade your signet ring instead to a ring of cheeky guidance. Oh.

Oh, man, I was actually going to go with the Ring of Cheeky Guidance because it gives the guidance a plus two to it. It's also a funny name. It is. For how you approach this. But I just reread the things that you can do with the Ring of Familiar Bond, the charges, and I like the idea of making a large gumbo. Am I reading that correctly? Yeah. Okay, then I'm going to go with the Ring of Familiar Bond and upgrade my signet ring.

which will allow me to perform the bind familiar ritual because now Gumbo and I will have matching rings. Yeah. It's adorable. Yeah. His is more like a bracelet. And basically, my familiar will... I mean, he already based my commands, but he can take part in combat and I can telepathically... Wait. He can take part in combat as a bonus action on your turn. Yeah, he's a bonus action. I can communicate with him telepathically and then the ring has three charges and...

that I can expend one charge, do one of the following as a bonus action. I can sense through my familiar senses until my next turn. I can grant my familiar 10 temporary hit points for one minute, or I can use enlarge and enlarge or reduce, use the spell on the familiar. Yeah, you can only use the enlarge portion of the spell. Oh, okay, cool. You cannot use the reduce portion. Yeah.

It would double his size in all dimensions and multiply his weight by eight. I've been wanting to let Gumbo participate in combat more, but I've been scared to have him participate in combat because Gus is blood, you know? Yeah, he's bloodthirsty. But this allowed me to let Gumbo kind of fight and be a little less scared. So I like that. Okay, so I'm gonna take the Ring of Familiar Bond.

All right, sounds good. Bart, do you know what you want? I sure do. So Bart has the options of upgrading the Ring of Truth telling to a Ring of Truth zone, an upgrade to the Wand of Magic detection to become a Wand of Magical Means, or an upgrade for your loot to make it a Loot of Laughable Levity. I'm going to do the loot. Ooh. I'm going to get the Loot of Laughable Levity.

And what does that do for you? Now I could expend one charge as a bonus action to play the instrument and cast the following spells. Calm Emotions, Levitate, and a new one, Gaff of Gaggery, which is when you cast the spell, you eloquently remold the memories of listeners in your immediate vicinity so that each creature of your choice within five feet of you forgets everything you or an ally just said within the last six seconds and replace it with a joke or punchline of your choosing. It's a men in black thing.

The joke or punchline is the verbal component of the spell. Well, you need to attune this to yourself, Bart. Uh-huh.

In order to attune yourself for this upgrade, you must play the loot while telling a joke that gets someone to laugh. Can I do that right now? If you want to do it right now, you can. All right, everybody. Bart's telling us a joke. I'm going to specifically tell this one to Gum Gum. Yeah, easiest crowd. What does a baby computer call his father? Data. I don't get it. It is now attuned and yours. Bling!

Alright, Lude of Lackable Levity. Alright, Mud and Bart are done. Who wants to go next? I'll go next. Alright, Kyborg, you can upgrade Elven Eye Rose. You can upgrade your Arm Cannon of Everwinter. Oh.

or you can upgrade your long bow of crystallina to a longer bow of crystallina. Lame. Uh, so, with the elven arrows, I'll let the crew know this so that they can kind of make a decision for me, with me, if they would like to chip in. Uh, one of them is, like, I get plus two bonus attack with the special arrows. I get three charges, so I get three of these arrows per long rest.

And then it also reveals a 30-foot sphere. It's the Hanzo arrows from Overwatch. Oh, cool. So that's that. Our arm cannon of Everwinter just gives, like, what? 3d6 bludgeoning damage, 3d6 cold damage. Yeah, 3d10 cold damage. Yeah, 3d10, and it doesn't require ammunition, but it does require its one charge for long rest. And the longbow of Kristalina, it's upgraded because I can now change who my sworn enemy is. Clarification on that. So if someone doesn't...

If they become your sworn enemy, but don't die. Right. Do I still have disadvantage on all the other enemies? Yeah, once you've chose a sworn enemy, you have disadvantage when attacking anyone else, but as a bonus action, you can change who your sworn enemy is. That's the whole point, is that now you can change it. Also new, while my sworn enemy lives, it has advantage on attack rolls against me.

So it's kind of like reckless attack for a barbarian. Yeah. As long as you're fighting from a distance, you're fine. Yeah. Unless they're at a distance too. What are you gonna do? Uh, I don't know. Which one of you guys thinks that that sounds cool? Who's thinking what sounds cool? I'm leaning towards the longbow. Do the longbow. I do feel bad that I don't use my mom's longbow. So I'm gonna use, I'm gonna, I'm gonna upgrade the longbow.

All right. It is now a longer bow of crystallina. Okay. And then in order to attune it, I must be a blood relative of crystallina. Check. And I must cut a lock of one's hair off and braid it into the bow. And I do that. I take my long sword and I snip a little part out and then I just do arts and crafts. All right. Do you seem like down at the bottom?

Maybe into the handle? I don't know. I tell Gumbo to grab the hair. Stop it. He's like a cat with a thing, like a piece of cloth. But then you enlarge him. He takes the bow away from Kyborg. Yeah. All right, Gum Gum, you're up. You can upgrade your battle axe to become a balancing axe. You can upgrade your staff of flowers to a staff of friendly flowers, or you can upgrade your friendship bracelets to BFF bracelets.

I'm thinking either the Staff of Flowers so I can cast Friends once for a long rest or the Balancing Axe which I think is better than the Friendly Axe of Kindness because I can... This just seems like more useful or procs more often at least because it's on every hit. I do want Friendly Flowers though. This is the last one, huh?

This is your upgrade. This is the last one from Bezler. Take your upgrade. I guess I'll do the balancing axe. Okay. And I ask Bezler, is there a way to make this axe bigger? The balancing axe? Yeah, like a balancing axe that's like my old big axe. He scratches his head and says, yeah, perhaps if we find the blacksmith who can elongate and maintain the arcane energies of the axe, that's possible. Like melt?

Oh, perhaps. Is she a blacksmith? Yes. She's on the boat, too. But there's no smith on the boat. But we have a smith. I thought Meld was a woodworker. She does both. Oh, okay. She was like a general crafts person who tried to learn all the different crafts. Convenient. Hmm.

All right, I guess I'll do the balancing axe. I think that's pretty cool. I'm so excited to ruin you guys' day with something I just discovered with my attack. You're not going to ruin our day, though, right? No, I'm going to ruin Micah and Gus' day. You're going to ruin our day all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Though in order to attune yourself to this axe, Gum-Gum, you need to walk on your tiptoes for 24 hours. It's going to be very difficult on a boat. I will do my best. I hope you have your seat toes. Your calves are going to be busting at the end of this. Busting. Yeah.

And of course, on top of the upgrades, you're welcome to any consumables as well that Bezler has with him. For frees? Since Bezler is retiring, he's offering each of you one or two items from his stash for free, but the rest is being used for the mission in Urbloom. Oh, well, that changes everything. I didn't even bother looking at the list because I had no money. Can I just go ahead and call out the two items I'd like? Absolutely.

Okay. If no one's got a problem with this, I'd love to take the Eggless of Equipping, which is a Druid item, so I doubt any of you really wants it. This is from NovaRogue13. Thank you very much. You submitted it on the RT site. And it's a little wooden necklace that's in the shape of an egg. While I'm in wild shape, the necklace remains on my neck.

And as a bonus action, I can actually recall one of the items for my equipment because when I turn into an animal, I don't have access. So that's kind of nice. And then it's good for once for long rest. Yeah. Yeah. So doing that. And then I'm also, since everyone is reading through stuff right now and I can just say whatever I want.

I'm going to take the waste of time, which is a tattered belt that once for long rest grants the user automatic success on a skill check with the best possible outcome. However, this check cannot advance the plot. You want to do some flirting? You want to perform some acrobatics? Sure, why not? As long as it wastes everyone else's time. As long as we have fun along the way. Which I think was supposed to be a dig at Kyborg, but I'm taking this. And this is from...

Jordo AIG from Twitter. Thank you so much, Jordo. And I'm taking these to my equipment now. Nice. Those are good items. I like them. Anybody else? I see Chris and Barb, you both have some stuff selected. Yeah, Chris, if you want to go next. Okay. Can I get the cock-a-doodle-do collar? Once for a long rest, a character can blow into this gilded bone horn. A magical chicken appears in a location of their choosing within 30 feet of the user. All hostile creatures within 10 feet of the chicken must succeed on a DC 15 wisdom save or be inexplicably frightened of it for one minute.

That sounds like a Chris item. That sounds like a gum gum item. Very cool.

And then the other one, the Laz Reverse Elixir of Reversal, when consumed, allows the players to swap their highest and lowest modifiers. The player must consider the consequences as these effects last until the player's next long rest, once use only. So this Laz Reverse Elixir of Reversal, what would that do to me?

Swaps your highest and lowest modifier. Let's see. So they just make me really dumb? Probably make you really smart. Swap your intelligence and either your strength or constitution. So your strength will get low and your intelligence will get high. I don't know. I think it'd make me dumb.

Maybe. Take it, take it quick so you can understand. All right, I'll get that. All right, it's one use only. And that's from at Usher Adam. Barb, I see you got someone here. Yeah, so I'm looking at this key mimic. Seems like it could be pretty handy for the team to have. It's kept in a sturdy jar. This tiny key mimic takes the shape of a brass key.

If used on a lock, the key mimic will attempt to devour the insides of the lock, creating a loud noise audible up to 90 feet away. If the DC of the lock is less than 15 after 1d6 minutes,

The lock will be destroyed and the key mimic can be returned to the jar. If the DC is 15 or higher, roll a d20. On the 10 or less, the key mimic fails to destroy the lock, bites the user for 1d10 damage and runs away. Say goodbye to kyborg being the only person who can endorse. There you go. Or chests. And I don't know if I'm allowed to get two. Yeah, I just want to give a quick shout out. That was submitted by Mike Kondras.

Mike Kern. Yeah. That's a funny item. I like that item. It's a great item. Yeah, I love it. All right, what else you got? And then I would like to get the basket of Arcana mana. Did you want that? No, no, no, no. I was worried there was something else you were going to go for. Okay. It's a basket of three slices of multicolored glowing bread that grants the consumer to cast any second level spell they already know for free without using a spell slot. Each slice could be shared with the different members of the party.

However, due to the mass amount of magic, preservatives, and gluten in the bread, they are weighed down and sluggish and must take disadvantage on any role involving movement. So acrobatics, stealth, etc.

For the next hour while it gets digested. And then butter and jam are not included. And there's only three uses of it. So from my understanding, I just want to make sure. I do still want this, but each slice can be shared with everybody? Or is it like, is there a maximum amount of people that could share the slice? I think each person eats one slice. So you could pass out. When you use it, it creates three slices. So it's not like I have three slices, one slice to share amongst the four, and then two slices left. It's like...

One slice per person? Correct. It's like a total of three slices and then you divvy up as you see fit. And I assume I don't have to use all of them at once. It's not like, okay, cool. Cool. Yep. My basket of Arcana Mana. But you can't keep them for too long. They will go stale.

And that's from Daniel Schultz. Daniel Schultz, yes. All right, Kyborg. Kyborg's ready. All right, first one. Gift of the Traumatic Flagon. Traumatic. I knew you would take it. Did I say traumatic? You said traumatic. Traumatic. Yeah, I meant traumatic. Sorry, trauma. What is it again? Gift of the Dramatic Flagon. There we go. A gaudy flagon encrusted in sapphire. Any creature that takes a swig of liquid courage, beverage, or choice from this flagon grants an additional 1d8 to any charisma-based check. I need this really bad.

If the roll fails, the consumer immediately vomits, taking 1d4 alcohol poisoning damage and 1d4 stage fright slash psychic damage once for a long rest.

This is submitted by Barksky on Twitter. At Barksky. Ooh, sounds like this is something that's going to end up being pretty fun at one point. Yeah. Hopefully it works because I need it. The other one that I wanted to get was Jade Cat of Playful Spirit. I'm surprised none of you idiots got it because this thing's awesome. I wanted it, but I was like, it seems like it'd be better for someone else. Kick rocks. Once per long rest, this little Jade Cat statue turns into a green cat spirit named Popsicle.

pocket or whatever the user would like to name it. Oh, I should name that for one of my cats. Uh, that becomes your familiar for four minutes, able to do simple tasks and carry up to 10 pounds in its little stone mouth. Uh, lastly, in a 10 foot range, you were able to see through the cat's eyes by saying the following words,

Who's a good kitty? Uh, to tune the little jade cat, the user must act like a cat for five minutes. Uh, once per long rest. Hold on, hold on, hold on. How many minutes? Wait, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, wait. Once per long rest. Uh, this is submitted by MagicalMadoka on Twitter slash, uh, BBBflat on Reddit. I guess it's the same person, they just have different usernames. Do you want to, uh... Let's test it out now. Do you want to tune yourself? Yeah.

Okay, the timer has started. Taboo, where are you on the ground? I scratch, come, come, and scratch him. I get down on the ground and play too. Hey. Oh, God. Bezler looks up at you all, and you swear there's a tear in his eye. What? I want you all to know that you're not that bad. I know we haven't exactly gotten along all the time, but I guess...

Well, I guess it's nice that the Infinites actually turned out to be good people like you. I'm going for a hug. I've always liked you, Bessler. Anyway, this is probably the last time you'll see me. What? Like, seriously, no disguises or no fake accents. This is it. Someone helped me realize that it's finally time for me to settle down.

Oh! Yes, dear! Just finished up. Aw, they're together?

Can I give Embezzler a big hug? Sure. Okay. I guess, you know, the same opposites attract. Yeah. Well, they were like, did they meet for the first time at the cart in episode one? Yeah. Oh, sweet. We had Oof driving the cart and then Embezzler came up. You were there when they first met. Wow. It's because of us. Yeah. I'll officiate your wedding if you want. Yeah. Unless you guys are already married. I don't know.

We give them a good rate? Yeah. 600 gold pieces. And you're like, snap your suspenders. 700!

Marrying a lawyer. Wow. Your parents must be so happy. Oh, yeah. Oaf does chime in. Yes, I finally did finish my studies and have earned my law degree. You passed the bar? Yeah. I was trying to think of a joke. Yeah. Yes, I can officially practice law. Wow.

Wow. Easy practice makes perfect. And going to be moving to the land of Feroz and open a law practice there. Wow, okay. Sounds like a spin-off show. It does. It does. All right, who's going to be playing Bezler? Who's going to be playing? The familiar voice of Deadman Dreffel calls out overhead, Land ho! Oof and Bezler hold hands, offer you a nod, and head up to the main deck. I was going to steal from Bezler, but I decided against it in the end.

Can we join them up on the deck? Yeah. When you reach the main deck, on the horizon you see an island surrounded by a towering wall along its border. The wall blocks most of your view of the island, but you do manage to catch a glimpse of a massive volcano in the center of the isle. Sail ho! Captain Marge says, "Arrgh! Enfrites and Duncan looks like a scout ship be approaching! You best be getting ready!" Hey, can I borrow your, uh, immovable rod? I gotta balance. Sure, sure, you can have it for a bit. Are you on your toes? Yeah.

That's really smart. Duncan asks, Does anyone need help with a disguise? I mean, we need to look draconic, right? Yes, we need to try to pass their test to get in. Let me think here. I mean, yeah. I mean, I do have a disguise kit and I'm pretty crafty myself, but I could always use help. Sure.

Sure. Yeah, Duncan is more than willing to help offer assistance. How do you want to look? Like what kind of dragon? Is there a specific color you're looking for? I would like to be kind of like a orangey-red color. And are you looking to be like a dragonborn, a kobold, some other kind of dragonkin? Dragonborn. Dovahkiin, as some say. So like a reddish-orange dragonborn. Yeah. Ooh, nice. Nice.

What about everyone else? Bart tries to blow fire and he can't. Mud uses disguise self and recalls an old movie that he saw once about a Scottish dragon. He was the last of his dragons. But he had a friend that was a little human. It was a cute little story. Kind of a Dennis type. Dennis Quaid type.

Was it Quaid? Was it Quaid? I think it was. I think you're right. It was. It was him doing a gruff voice the entire film. Yeah, so I look like that. Okay. He's going to look like a guy named Draco. Draco. One of his heroes. Gum gum cyborg? I'll just be a kind of a dragon with wings. A big giant dragon. Oh, 30 feet big. 30 feet big? Yeah. You're supposed to disguise yourself as a... Make yourself much bigger. Oh, okay. Okay.

I guess, uh, how big am I? However that big is. Okay, you want to be that big? Okay. Duncan says... I believe Dr. Ahem also gave you something you can use to make yourself draconic for a little while. Well...

You could say that. Okay. It makes him draconic, not a dragon. Potato, potato. So what is the effects of it? Or just a disguise as a dragon? Okay. Let's be very clear. It turns him in, transforms him into a dragon. Into a copper dragon for 15 minutes. Yeah. I can say this for special dragon occasions. So yeah. So Gum-Gum's just going to ask for disguise help. So you're not drinking it. You're going to go with a disguise. Just to be clear. Okay. Okay.

Kyborg, do we get to you? Nope. I need help. I can speak Draconic. Actually, I want to say to... Who's helping us? Duncan? Duncan. Duncan. I say to him in Draconic, make me into a dragon, dude. You don't meow it? Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. And then I indicate to my face, and then I make dragon...

Describe it for our audio listeners. I'm putting my hands up and I'm like making claws with my hands and I'm going... This is all in cat though. Duncan turns to the rest of the party and says, Is he okay? Did something happen I'm not aware of? Meow, meow, meow. He got assigned some homework that he has to work on. And so if you could just while he's doing that, turn him into a dragon. The timer's actually up. I'm just trying. I'm being a little difficult. You...

No. I do have the cloak of manifolds, but that's only like I can transform my cloak. So I can make it like scaly looking, but I don't think that that's going to suffice.

Okay. Yeah, that sounds good. Everyone happy with their disguises and they know what they look like and what they're doing here. Yeah. Do I look good, Bart? Let me see. Give me a spin. 360. Oh, yeah. You better work. I'm a dragon. Scary. A small scout ship draws close and you hear a voice call out. Halt. Prepare to be boarded. Okay. Common or draconic? Incommon. Okay.

Two silver dragonborn scouts board the Jebediah, begin walking around. First one says, I'm Nikotimad, this is Gyupo. We're going to be making sure everything is above boards here. Mud's nervous and salutes. I've just now connected the dots. This is where the Tabulians were outcast from. So these guys are kind of like racist. Nikotimad sees your salute and says to you, Mud, what business do you have in Tatoran waters? Pleasure.

Your business is pleasure? Yes, sir. Vacation. Okay. Yeah, and Gyupo addresses the group at large and asks, are any of you of draconic blood? If so, please step to this side. And he indicates the starboard side of the ship. I walk over there like a drill dragon-like.

Make a performance check. Okay, alright. Why did you have to add spice? Seven. Oh no! Oops! Are you crawling like a kitty still? No, like a dragon. He starts trying to slither like a snake. Yeah, the Nikotima and Gyupo both watch you as you walk across the starboard side. Does anyone else go over there? I will go. Okay, and

And Dr. Ham and Duncan make their way to the starboard side as well. They might as well. Okay. Bart, you too, I assume? Of course. Should I do a performance check? If you walk like a dragon. I'm walking like a dragon. All right. Let's see it. He's going to show up. Tyborg. 14.

Not the best, but okay, better than Kaibor. It seems like they don't notice you because they're so fixated on watching Kaibor. I literally rolled a 2, and I still had a 14. What?! Yeah, I have a plus 12 to my performance. Oh my god! That is insane, bud. Yeah, which is why I was just like, eh, I'm not gonna fail it. Nikotima addresses the entire boat and says, Is there anyone else requesting entry into Tatora, or is it only this group here?

No one else seems to come forward. And Gyupo is going up to Ichi and asking, What items are you bringing with you? Just my personal belongings, sir. I just awkwardly hold up Gumbo in two hands in front of me. Lunch.

Uh, a fresh snack. Very well. Bess, now kiss him. Gumbo. Gumbo. Gumbo. Okay. Okay. That's a very confused look on his face. Yes, I asked him in this land. You know, it's like when you go to Europe, you do little kisses on the cheek. That's why I do that with Guppo. Yeah, you know, you go up, you show your passport, you do a kiss. Thank you. Welcome to Germany.

Niko-Tiime begins rummaging through his pack and says, "I will be administering the Draconic Blood Test to all of you seeking entry into the borders of Totora. I will require a blood sample from each of you." He goes up to Duncan and pricks his finger and drops a little drop of blood into a vial of dragon scales and nothing seems to happen.

I says, very well, you pass. He goes up next to, I'm going to roll, see. What's the thing that happens that shows this person that we're passing? Like, is it like a thing? You're seeing the thing? Make an intelligence check for me.

15? It didn't look like there was any reaction at all when the blood hit the vial of dragon scales. Okay. You suspect that no reaction is a passing reaction. Gotcha. Because you rolled a 15. You used your thinker box and figured it out. Nico, Timae goes up to Bart next and asks you to put your finger out so he can prick it.

I put my finger out, but at the same time, I cast Minor Illusion to make it seem like nothing happens. When he does the test. When he does the test. Okay, so you still let him prick your finger. You let the blood go into the vial, and you try to just make it seem like all good. Yeah. Yeah, that's interesting. Trying to think how this would play. Okay, first of all, make a slider hand check. I want to reroll that. I'm using my inspiration deck. Okay. All right, 17. Okay.

Okay, yeah. You use your Minor Illusion to make the vial appear like nothing happens, and the blood touches the dragon scales and it seems like nothing happens, and Nikotame looks at it strangely and says, "Hmm, this vial is very warm." And looks at you. I'm warm-blooded. Wait, no. We're not. We're cold-blooded, right? We're reptiles? We had a very spicy lunch. Yes.

Tabasco sauce on everything. Yes. I say, Dragon Mike. All right. He goes up next to Gum Gum. Hi. Please extend your finger so we can administer the test. I do it. I am Lump Lump, the great flower dragon wizard. Oh.

Okay. And I hold out my finger. Okay. He pricks your finger and a little drop of blood comes out and falls into the vial onto the scales and it immediately bursts into flames. Ah, I told you it would happen. I am a great wizard. Of flowers. Of flowers. Not fire. No. Gupo and Nikotiba look at each other and says,

An imposter! What? Where? Seize him! Gyupo pulls out a war horn and blows it, letting out a loud bellowing. I go to, I quickly go to stuff my hand into the war horn. Make a dexterity check. Yeah, I'm using literally my waste of time right now. Is he? Oh, okay. I am taking that war horn and grabbing it. It's a very muffled sound, you know, when you're trying to like blow a horn and it's stuff. Yeah. Yeah.

We're on a ship, right? Yeah. But there's another ship. The scout ship had pulled up. Okay. So he's the only one from that ship on our ship. There's two of them. Nikotima and Gyupo. Right, right, right. Can I just run and jump off the side of the ship? No, get them. Yeah, I mean, yeah, you could jump off the side of the ship if you want. What would that accomplish? I run and jump off the side of the ship. While I do it, can I try and do my, attach my friendship bracelets to something against the ship or something? Oh, I got it.

I attach my friendship bracelet using the immovable rod to this edge of the ship. Why not just hold on to the rod? I guess that would work too. I was going to... Yeah, I'll do that. Okay, I'll tell you what. At the very least, the Kotee Man and Gyopo pull out their weapons, even though their horn did not sound. They arm themselves with silvery blades. Everyone go ahead and roll initiative. Okay.

I had a whole plan with everything in my mechanical arm. Well, we're going to hear about it in the next episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Sorry, I'm not dragon. Nat, 20 initiative roll. Oh, now I got to remember these? You said roll for initiative. They'll be in the log. Oh, that's true. I rolled a 14 in case you want to write. All right. Well, find out what everyone rolled in the next episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

I have to point out that I realized something. I was re-listening to an episode to try to, I've been trying to track down my inventory and I was listening to an episode and Micah, who does the voice of Dr. Ahem, you chimed in and it merely struck me that you sounded, this is going to be such a deep dive, but if you go Google this, you will know exactly what I'm talking about. He sounds like the animatronic Berserk

from Knott's Berry Farm in the time travel dinosaur ride. As you walked into the ride... It's a deep cut. It is, but I could play it right now for you guys so you guys can hear it. I've never been to Knott's Berry Farm. It's Kingdom of the Dinosaurs. I have not. It's Kingdom of the Dinosaurs. I already had it pulled up. Yeah, I already had it pulled up. Here's the intro of the ride. Wait for it. They're walking in. Did you hear? Stop!

Interesting. Yeah, I could. Yeah, absolutely. We went on to that theme park so much as kids. And I love that ride because I love dinosaurs as most little boys did. Yeah. And as soon as it just took me back, you said exactly like that. I'm still working on my time machine.